Husband doesn't want to spend time with me anymore

Divorcebusting.com

Hi,

My husband recently told me that he doesn't want to feel "obligated" to spend time with me. He wants me to be all happy and supportive whenever he avoids me by doing whatever else he would rather be doing - hobbies, other friends, mowing the lawn, etc.

I have tried my best to comply with his request. But I am sad and lonely. We have a 9 month old daughter and have barely spent any time together since she was born. Everything is about the baby, and about family commitments. I do laundry and clean and take care of the baby and work full time. He is a very involved Dad, but at the end of the day when we get to take off our Mommy and Daddy hats, he is too tired to even carry on a conversation with me.

When he first told me he wanted me to give him space, I was miserable. But I have been trying to pretend it is OK because it is what he says he wants. I don't see how this can help our relationship, but I bite my tongue. Now he's not happy because he "can tell" that I still want to spend time with him. Today I half jokingly said, "What would you like me to do? Get a frontal lobotomy, so I can completely erase my feelings of lonliness, so you won't know they are there anymore??"

If he doesn't want to be with me, baby or no baby, I WILL NOT stay when someone doesn't want me. I would rather be living my own life with my daughter than be forced to live with someone who would rather do ANYTHING than hold a conversation with me. I'm a nice person, and I do nice things for my husband ALL THE TIME, hoping he will be inspired to reciprocate. He rarely does. I am also interested in sex, and he barely is. I think someone else might actually ENJOY a few hours of my company a day. But sadly, my husband doesn't seem to feel that.

Z

What are some of the "nice things" you do for your H all the time? Are you sure that he thinks they are nice things? I guess what I'm trying to get at is maybe what you think are "nice things" aren't the type of nice things he wants. Just a thought to consider.

Quote:

We have a 9 month old daughter and have barely spent any time together since she was born.

Can I please ask, how was your relationship before the baby was born? Did you get the attension you required, did he seem happier?

I will hold my comments until the answer. I have 5 kids from my 1st marriage that led to divorce and I might be able to shed some light on his behavior.

zymergy, I'm in no position to give you advice, but I feel your pain and lonliness. Are you all still living together?

Does he want his space as in separation or does he want "alone" time?

alamogirl

Z:
You must be very tired, with the baby, working full-time and taking care of household duties. Is it possible that you are not really "there" for him when he is available? I know that you want to spend time with him and talk, but are there other things he would like to do with you? Also, it sounds like he is very tired. Is it possible for him to find a more relaxed atmosphere at home? Don't give up too quickly, especially with a nine month daughter together. Your daughter wants both her mom and her dad...together. Try to be supportive of him, positive towards him, without complaints. Even though you may have every right to do so from your perspective.
Hope this helps
porscheman

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hold up don�t do anything rash, he just could be stressed out and taking out on you! Is it fair? No! but don�t jump the gun! You two need alone time drop the kids off somewhere safe (grandparents) and make a dinner for him and feed him in your sexiest outfit! Don�t go out stay home! If that doesn�t work you may want to do some investigating! When my wife said the �space thing� to me she was having an EA this might be the case. Don�t yell or confront him talk about his feelings, LISTEN AND VALIDATE THEM! Deal with yours later! Just be there for him! This may sound weird but think about how his life might look from his perspective, it might seem rosy to you but it may be hell for him find out talk to him! DON�T NAG!!

This sounds like my story, right down to the baby and the baby's age. I also work FT and am exhausted, and would love to have a break to go on a date, but i don't think he wants me any more.

I would be interested in hearing others' stories.

Hey zym...just a question and please don't take this the wrong way.....my now XW was more than likely feeling the same way as you are now....my question is this:

Do you get compliments from the opposite sex? Do you feel you are getting more *eye* attention from others instead of you H?

One last one:

Do you really want to work on your M...try to figure out what the hell is going on????

Zy, I don't know how you'd respond to FA, but I'd say Yes to both questions. FA, please explain?

What I am getting at is...the woman may start to feel that she is not getting the attention that she wants or deserves and this may start to bring up issues about the M. This may be what starts to drive a woman to start shutting out the H and not want to work on the M. Everyone likes to be complimented and unfortunately, us men become *comfortable* with the few compliments we give to our W's and don't realize that they need it a lot more than we do. I think my XW was getting and hearing what she wanted from others ..including her female classmates and thought..."You know what? I don't needthis guy in my life." There is more out there than what I have at home. She starts to wear nicer clothes...changes hair styles...it goes on and on with no real notice taken by the H except he likes sex...but, when it is too late in the WAS's mind...then she notices things about him...all negative. "Why is he always calling me...he never did before" He's jealous now..."He is always wanting to know where I'm going"...he's suspicious now......for you the woman...you don't want this crap. He's acting immature now and this is just about it....now, on the other hand...maybe you didn't do any of the above to yourself. Maybe he is getting the attention and he likes it. Maybe he has started to wear new clothes...now he is feeling like you are acting immature and rather than talking about it or maybe going away for the weekend to possibly reconnect..."I'll just leave".

I'd like to type more but I'm in the middle of cooking dinner. Sorry it's spotty posting to ya!

zymergy..... i thought i was reading about my own husband! Same scenario but without the baby. I am so lonely for him....for conversation, a meal together, etc. and yet I try to do what you have been doing....act like it's ok, and find ways to keep myself occupied away from him, when he is here. I cannot describe the feelings of rejection. How many men would turn down loving from a woman who was willing? I try to hold his hand and he says he doesn't "feel" like it.