DB Coach, Vernetta really helped - 11/25/02 09:42 PM
This from Amy - about her consultation with DB Coach, Vernetta.
~~~~~~
I have had two telephone consultations. I get great advice almost daily here, but I always refer back to my notes from my phone consults when I am getting really confused.
They will want to know what your goals for the session are. They will ask you how they can help you or what you want help with. They will focus on you, so be ready for that.
I was able to ask some specific questions relating to divorce rates, things the WAS does during this phase, etc. and they had accurate answers for me.
I really am happy with my two sessions. There were times when I didn't like the answers given. I would question her reason for those particular answers, and then it dawned on me....thats why I called a coach!! They know their stuff.
I would suggest really trying to figure out a few specific things you want the coach to help you with. H/She will want to know a run down of your sit., and then the specific questions/goals you have for the consultation.
My most recent thread is "Things Worked, but H filed for D. HELP!" Or something similar to that. (*SEE BELOW) Run through it because one of my posts has a summary of my most recent consultation. It may help you see what she was able to do for me.
Vernetta was my coach. I loved her. She is also a Christian Marriage and Family Counselor aside from being a DB coach for Michele. She was great. Good luck!
Amy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to summarize for others what the DB coach, Vernetta, advised me on today. I know all situations are different, but the general advice is usually the same. By the way, Vernetta was GREAT!!
My Questions to Vernetta:
1. How do I act when I move home?
Take it slow, no pressure. Keep it superficial and simple. NO expectations. Rebuild the friendship. Show him you need things from him in a good way (not by begging, clinging, etc.). Decorate, put a feminine touch on the home you haven't been in for so long.
2. Do I publicise to my church, etc. that I am home? My H's big deal is he would like no one to know our business. My church had told me they wanted to throw a party for me when I moved home.
Don't publicise, but when asked, give an honest answer. Possibly say "yes, I am home for now", or "Yes, for a while". I would rather just say yes and leave it at that.
Ask H what he thinks about the party/reception thing. If it is going to make him feel uncomfortable, politely decline any sort of welcome home party. It doesn't hurt to ask him though, because it validates that I respect and can honor his wishes (whew, that is a 180 based on how I FEEL right now ).
3. How do I react to questions like the W/D purchase, etc. How do I react if he decides to move out?
Vernetta said it sounded to her like he does have moving out on his mind. She suggested that I GIVE him the w/d instead of keeping it or selling it to him ( ). She said, "you have two sets...why do you need two sets?" You would probably do it for a friend. She mentioned that it seemed that money was a power struggle between us and I probably made H feel somewhat emasculated from all my money talks ("I'm the head of the household" "you don't pay any of the bills", "I do it all"). Paying for the w/d is just another way of bringing the money into it. As hard as it is to swallow, she is right (thats why I wanted a DB coach!!). What I will have to do, though, is not make it sound like I have pity on him. That would't work. I probably need to just say "you know, I have two and I can't use but one. You can have one". I will have to use tact, etc. The way this works in my favor is that I can't give them to him until Feb., so he will still have to suffer for a while if he moves out. I guess she would probably tell me he should be able to use mine if he does move out. Not sure about that one.
As far as him moving out. I could simply say to him "If you would like, why don't you just stay here. I'm not going to be around all the time, I have things I am doing" or something to that effect. Be friendly and upbeat.
4. Do I spend time at home during leisure time or do I go out?
Yes, go out with friends and reconnect. Don't do anything that could get back to him in a negative way (like getting drunk, etc.). Weigh the times you should stay around. If he offers something, don't be so quick to leave. Just don't be there waiting for him to make a move. Choose my times carefully.
5. What about intimacy?
It is a good line of communication to keep open if you can (this doesn't mean it would be in all situations, but in mine it seems ok). Use ways to put some romance back into it if possible. She felt there was a connection there.
6. Can I tell him I love him since it has been so long since I have? (My mom thought it might be time)
Probably would not be in my best interest. He knows. It could cause guilt feelings, and he doesn't need to feel those right now. Show him love through actions. She asked me if I knew about the 5 Love Languages. She said I should try to see which one of these I think my H receives the best. I actually think it is words of afformation. They are not just through ILU, they are more. Ex. You did a great job! You worked so hard on that and it is perfect! You look great! Etc. I have to be careful and not throw a lot at him at once, and find the right time to do them.
General stuff:
Just like with a OW/OM, I cannot control the relationship between H and his brother (who I think plays a HUGE role in our troubles). All I can do is attempt to influence H through my actions. He may be feeling like he needs the freedom that his brother has. I need to show him the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
If he begins to talk about anything, even if it is the hardest thing for me to listen to, I need to validate his feelings. Listen without trying to analyze or argue. Ask "what is that like for you"? Sound familiar, Cara?
I need to help my H have a smooth ride back to me. I need to give him as much power as possible in the decision making in our home (if he stays!). For example: I need to ask him if he would like for me to help him get health insurance since he won't have any after my last day at work). This is a kind gesture and it still lets him be in control of the outcome. He may say no, and then I will have to accept that answer and go on.
Bart's parents feel the way they do and I can't do anything about it. Sadly, he probably doesn't hear anything they are saying to him just like he doesn't hear me. It is like he is in a haze, or on drugs. You almost have to treat them like that. It is kind of like "love the sinner, hate the sin". They need to let him know he is loved and they realize he is going through a very hard time, and they want to help him through it if he will let them. My question here was "so are you saying that they should be ok with whatever he wants to do?" Vernetta said no, they don't have to agree at all with what he is doing, but if he thinks the world is against him totally, he is only going to run more. Makes sense...
Also, she mentioned that if my H is the type who needs words of affirmation to feel loved (I think he does because his father hasn't ever and will not give him any praise for the work he does on their farm and he gets so upset about this), then nagging and griping (something I excelled in)makes them REALLY run. Again, makes sense.
Sorry so long, I needed to journal this myself, but hope it helps anyone else who could be reading. Thanks again to my great DB friends. I think I will try to check on y'all now!
Amy....taking a slight load off her shoulders.
~~~~~~
I have had two telephone consultations. I get great advice almost daily here, but I always refer back to my notes from my phone consults when I am getting really confused.
They will want to know what your goals for the session are. They will ask you how they can help you or what you want help with. They will focus on you, so be ready for that.
I was able to ask some specific questions relating to divorce rates, things the WAS does during this phase, etc. and they had accurate answers for me.
I really am happy with my two sessions. There were times when I didn't like the answers given. I would question her reason for those particular answers, and then it dawned on me....thats why I called a coach!! They know their stuff.
I would suggest really trying to figure out a few specific things you want the coach to help you with. H/She will want to know a run down of your sit., and then the specific questions/goals you have for the consultation.
My most recent thread is "Things Worked, but H filed for D. HELP!" Or something similar to that. (*SEE BELOW) Run through it because one of my posts has a summary of my most recent consultation. It may help you see what she was able to do for me.
Vernetta was my coach. I loved her. She is also a Christian Marriage and Family Counselor aside from being a DB coach for Michele. She was great. Good luck!
Amy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to summarize for others what the DB coach, Vernetta, advised me on today. I know all situations are different, but the general advice is usually the same. By the way, Vernetta was GREAT!!
My Questions to Vernetta:
1. How do I act when I move home?
Take it slow, no pressure. Keep it superficial and simple. NO expectations. Rebuild the friendship. Show him you need things from him in a good way (not by begging, clinging, etc.). Decorate, put a feminine touch on the home you haven't been in for so long.
2. Do I publicise to my church, etc. that I am home? My H's big deal is he would like no one to know our business. My church had told me they wanted to throw a party for me when I moved home.
Don't publicise, but when asked, give an honest answer. Possibly say "yes, I am home for now", or "Yes, for a while". I would rather just say yes and leave it at that.
Ask H what he thinks about the party/reception thing. If it is going to make him feel uncomfortable, politely decline any sort of welcome home party. It doesn't hurt to ask him though, because it validates that I respect and can honor his wishes (whew, that is a 180 based on how I FEEL right now ).
3. How do I react to questions like the W/D purchase, etc. How do I react if he decides to move out?
Vernetta said it sounded to her like he does have moving out on his mind. She suggested that I GIVE him the w/d instead of keeping it or selling it to him ( ). She said, "you have two sets...why do you need two sets?" You would probably do it for a friend. She mentioned that it seemed that money was a power struggle between us and I probably made H feel somewhat emasculated from all my money talks ("I'm the head of the household" "you don't pay any of the bills", "I do it all"). Paying for the w/d is just another way of bringing the money into it. As hard as it is to swallow, she is right (thats why I wanted a DB coach!!). What I will have to do, though, is not make it sound like I have pity on him. That would't work. I probably need to just say "you know, I have two and I can't use but one. You can have one". I will have to use tact, etc. The way this works in my favor is that I can't give them to him until Feb., so he will still have to suffer for a while if he moves out. I guess she would probably tell me he should be able to use mine if he does move out. Not sure about that one.
As far as him moving out. I could simply say to him "If you would like, why don't you just stay here. I'm not going to be around all the time, I have things I am doing" or something to that effect. Be friendly and upbeat.
4. Do I spend time at home during leisure time or do I go out?
Yes, go out with friends and reconnect. Don't do anything that could get back to him in a negative way (like getting drunk, etc.). Weigh the times you should stay around. If he offers something, don't be so quick to leave. Just don't be there waiting for him to make a move. Choose my times carefully.
5. What about intimacy?
It is a good line of communication to keep open if you can (this doesn't mean it would be in all situations, but in mine it seems ok). Use ways to put some romance back into it if possible. She felt there was a connection there.
6. Can I tell him I love him since it has been so long since I have? (My mom thought it might be time)
Probably would not be in my best interest. He knows. It could cause guilt feelings, and he doesn't need to feel those right now. Show him love through actions. She asked me if I knew about the 5 Love Languages. She said I should try to see which one of these I think my H receives the best. I actually think it is words of afformation. They are not just through ILU, they are more. Ex. You did a great job! You worked so hard on that and it is perfect! You look great! Etc. I have to be careful and not throw a lot at him at once, and find the right time to do them.
General stuff:
Just like with a OW/OM, I cannot control the relationship between H and his brother (who I think plays a HUGE role in our troubles). All I can do is attempt to influence H through my actions. He may be feeling like he needs the freedom that his brother has. I need to show him the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
If he begins to talk about anything, even if it is the hardest thing for me to listen to, I need to validate his feelings. Listen without trying to analyze or argue. Ask "what is that like for you"? Sound familiar, Cara?
I need to help my H have a smooth ride back to me. I need to give him as much power as possible in the decision making in our home (if he stays!). For example: I need to ask him if he would like for me to help him get health insurance since he won't have any after my last day at work). This is a kind gesture and it still lets him be in control of the outcome. He may say no, and then I will have to accept that answer and go on.
Bart's parents feel the way they do and I can't do anything about it. Sadly, he probably doesn't hear anything they are saying to him just like he doesn't hear me. It is like he is in a haze, or on drugs. You almost have to treat them like that. It is kind of like "love the sinner, hate the sin". They need to let him know he is loved and they realize he is going through a very hard time, and they want to help him through it if he will let them. My question here was "so are you saying that they should be ok with whatever he wants to do?" Vernetta said no, they don't have to agree at all with what he is doing, but if he thinks the world is against him totally, he is only going to run more. Makes sense...
Also, she mentioned that if my H is the type who needs words of affirmation to feel loved (I think he does because his father hasn't ever and will not give him any praise for the work he does on their farm and he gets so upset about this), then nagging and griping (something I excelled in)makes them REALLY run. Again, makes sense.
Sorry so long, I needed to journal this myself, but hope it helps anyone else who could be reading. Thanks again to my great DB friends. I think I will try to check on y'all now!
Amy....taking a slight load off her shoulders.