Hello Everyone,
I have been divorced for two years. Had left my husband because we lived in a marriage in name only.He finally moved into the other bedroom after an argument over our son.
After a year of him living like that and, anger building up in us I left one day.
After three years of not hearing a word from him I filed for divorce. Before the court date I tried talking to him he was just so disconnected.
He would not stay in the same room that I would be in. When we were at my daughter's house he followed her around so that he would not be in same room with me alone.
After we broke up he went to live with an old man that he took care of for rent.Since then the man has passed away and, he told his daughter to let my x stay in the house.Now this woman does so much for my x even letting my daughter live there too. My daughter does pay rent. Well, I have the feeling that she is interested in my x. For I feel that she does too much for him. Even giving him the airplane ticket for him to go do a temporary job in Florida.
There was also another woman that was interested in him but, he paid no mind to her.
I have always felt love for him but, I also had a lot of peace and was in prayer for my marriageso, I have been waiting for him to make the first move since I was always the one running things. At first he just went along then he responded with anger.
Now with this woman showing so much attention to him I am worried. Everyone tells me they have nothing going on but friendship even my daugher says that.
He now is friendlier towards me. Sometimes I will be at my daughters babysitting and he and I will be alone. He will start a conversation with me now. He has never been a romantic so he will talk about maybe his medical conditions or my car.I also have a hard time. I would like to flirt with him but, am afraid that he may not accept it.
For a while I wanted to smile at him which I do now. What else can I do that will not be so obvious that I am trying to flirt with him.
In all the time that we have been separated plus divorced neither one of us has been involved with anyone else.
I feel that he still loves me.
Hi Ash, I'm glad you found this forum. Of course, I'm not familiar with your story so your description above was great insight.
There should be others come along to help you through this.
I do not know if you classify yourself as the WAS. Based on what you've mentioned, though... I would say take your time.
Although a lot of time has passed and he may be trying to move on with his life, you mention he is attempting to connect with you and is friendlier with you.
Be slow and cautious, no matter how much you would like to rekindle your R. Anything that might seem like pressure or pursuing from you, might scare him off and make him go dark, again.
I wish you well in this.
Dress well. If you know you will see him, a light amount of perfume... BE confident. Be warm and open. LISTEN to him and validate him, without smothering him.
Do you have any latent anger or resentment left from your past M that you might want to look at so you aren't triggered if he says or does something you feel is negative?
Hi Kaffe,
I was the was now I feel I could have of course handled things different which was hard in the state we were in.
He is now friendlier with me and, maybe feeling more comfortable around me because I have changed. When he talks about something that I was against before I just don't say anything. He always told me that I didn't let him make descisions and that I didn't let him talk.So, now I let him.
I do still hold some things against him I don't tell him but, when I think about those things I don't want to go back with him. But, I do love him. I don't know if he has changed about those things.
But, I do know that lately I have seen a change in him in that he does talk to me now.
It sounds like you have a really good perspective.
I also get that there is conflict within you, regarding his current positives and his past negatives.
Are these things that you still "holding against him" what you would consider "deal breakers?" IOW, were those things why you left the R?
Also, do you feel he is being cautious, or does it feel to you like his guard is down? Do you get any feeling that he might be thinking about getting into a new R with you?
As you see positive change in him, do you feel he couldn't or wouldn't (or didn't) change those negative things? Are you afraid he didn't or wouldn't?
While you are considering a deeper, more connected R with him, are you prepared for the possibility that he may just want to be friends, even if he's changed the negative things?
Hey Ash, I thought I would also suggest some reading:
+ first, have you read Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis? It's the basis for all the support and recommendations on this board
Also, I believe the following two threads are great examples that you may find useful to understand the mind of an LBS who also has taken the time to reflect and has not given up, yet.
+ In this thread below, starting on the second page, there is great reflection by MAL:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2207398#Post2207398+ Also, the following thread by ANS:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2207281#Post2207281Maybe they won't help. I wanted to help provide examples of where the LBS is in a reflective mode. Perhaps there are things in there that can help answer questions you might have on how your X might be feeling.
Thanks, I will read the links.
My x is hard to get through to. Someone suggested that maybe he suffers from Aspergers Syndrome. I read about it and, it sure sounds like him.
I am sure that he cares about me still but, won't make an effort.While we were married towards the end he told me that he wasn't sure if he loved me or not and, moved into that room.
It has been five years since I left he hasn't made one single call to me not even in beginning.
While in the marriage I had to make all the decisions. Later when people asked him why we divorced he would say cause she wanted it and, that I was just too bossy.
Thanks, for your wise words.
Hi Mal,
I have been reading your posts and, looking forward to what happens next.
I have been divorced two years with five years total since I left. I have been praying and waiting all this time. Now, there is a lady doing a lot for my x and, it has triggered emotions.I need to find out what else I can do since my x lately has been more friendly towards me.
I have been more friendly towards him but, I don't think that he will make a move.
One thing that he had done was friend me on Facebook which I later deleted. I will now ask him to be friends again. what do you think?
I pray that it works out for you.
Merry Christmas
No problem, Ash.
I'm hoping a poster by the name of Sandi2 finds her way over here. She may be able to provide you with some support. Her words can be strong at times, although her heart is full of awesome intention.
I also want to offer my sincere gratitude that you are posting here. I appreciate that your feelings of wanting to reconnect and yet not finding it easy are likely painful. I want to let you know that you being here is likely to bring a HUGE sense of hope to the LBS who are here.
I hope you won't be offended if an LBS finds their way over to your thread and asks you questions about your past. If you are open to it, your responses might be another fantastic insight to help support the LBS here.
If you are not comfortable with that, please feel free to express that. If you are comfortable with it, I would encourage you to participate in other conversations, especially in the newbies area. You could support them and others in turn may help support you.
Cheers!
Oh my the post I left for Mal showed up over here! I did something wrong.
I will wait till tomorrow I have a bad sinus headache right now.
Thanks, Kaffe for your words of wisdom. Yes I hope Sandi2 helps me out.
I will look at the newcomers also.
lol. no prob.
Get better from your sinus headache and if you need a bit of tech help for posting in the
proper threads, just let me know and I'll help...
Have a good night!
Hi Ashyah,
I was just cruising around the boards and decided to drop in on your thread.
I have an autistic son (Aspergers is on the autism spectrum). I wouldn't put any weight behind someone speculating that your X has Aspergers. Believe me, Aspergers is more than just being a little aloof. It is debilitating.
If I understand your posts correctly, you were a WAS, and things kinda flipped into you feeling more like the LBS. You feel that he still loves you, and you feel the same.
Sounds like a pretty tough place to be.
Here's a another link that you may find helpful. I'm sure you can relate to them from the perspective of the WAS, and now the LBS. Maybe it'll give you some insight as to why you pulled away from hour X and why your X behaves the way he does.
For Spouses of Walkaways Nicky was very much in the same place as you. She was the WAS, and then changed her mind. Maybe you can relate to what she had to say.
Of course, if I'm way off base, then maybe this won't speak to you. Just dropping it here in case it might be of some help.
Good luck, Ash.
Hello Ans,
Thank you for your information.
I do see my x responding to things when he feels comfortable with it.
He is very dedicated to our daughter. They live together and, he does a lot of things with her.
I know that some of the problems I was to blame also. I have had to work on some things.
I will read that post
Ashyah
Another thing...yesterday I ran out of gas I called him for a gas can since he was nearby.First he said that he didn't have a can then he called back and, said he found one. We met at the gas station he bought gas and, went back with me to my car and , filled it up. I said thank you and got in the car.
I used to work hard at smiling at him which I do now. I used to hug him then stopped. Now I find it hard to hug him. Before I hugged him to get him to hug me back and, it didn't come from the heart.
Ash
have you read the books that form the basis of this site? They're crucial for you to read. Either read the first one "Div Busting" or read "The Divorce Remedy" (I prefer the latter).
If you do not read these books you won't get nearly as much from this site as you could.
So,
You left him. How old are you and how old is he?
And how long were you married?
What is your goal in coming here? Do you want to reconcile? Why?
Also since you left him some time ago, why do you care if other women are interested in him?
I mean, do you see how he could feel it's none of your business? Is it possible that you broke his heart?
We can better help you if we know what the real issues are in your relationship. A lot of what you say sounds vague to me.
Why'd you leave him? Did you want to punish him, get him to change or did you want to divorce him?
What has changed your mind, if anything?
How have YOU changed since leaving him?
Do you understand that You only control YOU?