Hey guys,
I was posting here many many months ago, and it was extremely helpful in navigating through the dark waters that most of us are struggling through.
So helpful in fact that I kind of got caught up in "getting a life" and lost track of this community. For which I'm sorry, because I would like to make a point to extend my support to other people who are having marital problems. But in any event I needed a place to vent a little and I thought coming back to the fold was a good idea.
Most old thread is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1924441&page=1The update is that after about 2
years of mulling around, my W finally grew a pair and decided to pursue her divorce that she claimed to want so bad so long ago.
The kicker is that the courts have very ironic timing. I'm going to be standing up in my friends' wedding today and am supposed to give a toast about marriage. So it's getting to me a little that I had to wake up on THIS day to a legal courrier about this. I'm not as sad or devestated by this as I would have been a year ago (a LOT has happened to sour me more to her, but maybe I can get into that in a later post). Still kind of stings. At least I get to go party at a wedding as a single person though, right?
Well yesterday was rough, but I think I held myself together pretty well for the sake of my friends who were getting married. My speech was a big hit, and I definately enjoyed myself, but in kind of a weird detached way. What matters is I didn't tell anyone what was going on until the drive home, because I just didn't want to make the evening about me. Thier wedding and thier marriage is going to be a totally different animal, and I really have a feeling for them it'll be the real deal. They are both very mature with strong moral convictions and have been responsibly planning thier future for about 8 years now as she finished her higher education.
Now I guess I have to start thinking about two things...
-Getting legal advice on this summons (It doesn't look complicated, but I guess you never know)
-Getting Health Insurance
Feeling okay so far today. I think I'm going to try to get back into the habit of posting something on DB regularly, even if it's in another person's thread. I need to remind myself about all the people out there who have it just as bad as me, or worse with thier relationships and marriages. It's not the end of the world that mine didn't work out, in fact it might in the long run end up being the most important thing that happened to me. I feel like I see the world more for what it really is now, and I'm not seeing a horrible place, just a more realistic one.
Things I'm doing this summer to enjoy life:
-Self-publishing a compilation of scary stories
-Taking a road trip (even though it might get a little expensive, I'm only going to be single and 28 once, right?)
I'm continuing to try to handle things as stoically as possible. My family is now fully aware that this is becoming final and I think they're secretly popping champaign bottles behind my back (which honestly I wouldn't blame them for). But they've been very nice. My dad was very reassuring to me that I shouldn't worry about attorney fees, and if they became a problem he could help out. Hopefully it won't be that complicated and I should be able to handle the expense no problem.
I got a recommendation from my uncle who is an attorney for a good divorce lawyer, made an appointment for next week and things are moving along. Even spent a little time looking over insurance plans the other day. So it's all getting a lot less scary.
Also daydreaming about taking my road trip this summer. I hope to hit up a good chunk of the 50 states I've never been to. Anybody know of any fun places I should consider visiting in KY, TN, GA, AL, MS, LA, AK, MO? My vague plan is to make a little ring around those states. I have very good friends just outside Nashville and a cousin who works for Disney in Orlando.
Not much to report. I think I'm starting to feel a little weird and detached about the whole divorce thing. I have the appointment to meet with the attorney this Thursday and I feel like it's going to sneak up on me.
I'd like to get out more and do more fun social things, but money is really tight right now. But I am planning to have friends over Friday night, going out of town to visit college friends over the weekend. So I guess I've got my distractions lined up.
Meeting with an attorney this morning. Fingers crossed that this will not be too expensive. Wish me luck!
-Michael
Michael,
Hope all goes well today for you. This is a very painful process and although there are no words that can take that away, find comfort in knowing that it is in God's hands and He knows your pain. I am not super religious, but it has gotton me through the last few years. I am sure people are going to say a lot of things to you that they think will comfort you such as "at least you found out quick and are so young, no kids, etc." But, that does not take away the love you have/had for that woman and that you were married and committed to her for life. Your dreams are going to have to change and what you thought your future was going to be is so different now. I still feel like I live in the twilight zone almost everyday and it has been 2 years exactly since the D was final and almost 3 years since he left us. It would take me pages and pages to tell you my whole stroy. Just know that regardless of what other people say or think, you need to take your time to heal and come out stronger on the other side. Hang in there and I am praying for you!
A
Thank you very much for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words Augtan.
I think you're right. I sense a lot of repressed but respectful jubilation from some of the people in my lives about this. My parents I think are probably thrilled. And it is true that I'm young, and we have no kids.
But in some respects I will always be haunted by what could have been. Even though the formal marriage didn't last very long, she was a huge part of my life for a decade as a friend and lover. I've been trying to use the time we have been seperated to heal as best I can, and I think in the grand scheme of things I've been doing well. I'm not sure how this is all going to feel in the long run, but I am sure that it doesn't make me happy or excited really. But I don't feel devastated or sad either. It's just something that I've been really anticipating and expecting for a long time. But not something I was willing to innitiate based on the fact that SHE left, and I would do whatever I could to leave reconciliation on the table. Even if ultimately the best thing I could do was patiently wait for 2 years.
The meeting with the attorney went okay I guess. Seems like a nice guy (a friend of my uncle's which is nice) and he waived the retainer fee as a professional courtesy. I just hope defending myself doesn't get too pricey. It really should be a very clean cut case.
Not much to say. Had a good weekend. Had fun with friends and took a little trip out of town. Looking forward to different writing projects I have planned. But the divorce is definately still on my mind. Riding in my car reminded me just how many songs there are out there that remind me of my W and everything that's happened between us over the past 10 years. I need to start developing some strong positive new memories in the second half of 2011.
Got some paperwork in the mail from my attorney. It sounds like the response they prepared is indicating that I might want my W to pay my attorney fees/possible supplement me financially. This is not stuff I went over with them in detail so I'm going to get in touch with them before I sign.
Kind of wondering how to proceed on those issues. I definately think she deserves to pay for the attorney fees, but I'm unsure about going "after her" for money or support. I wonder if this is all part of the "song and dance" of divorce and the attorney knows what he's up to?
the attorneys ususally know best - they have no emotional investment - gave a lot to my ex and regretted it years later - they just want more.
I think that's kind of where I'm at christienick. My plan is to talk to the paralegal tomorrow with the attitude that I hired legal counsel and I'm going to follow thier lead. I don't want any of my wife's money... but this is HER divorce, not mine. So maybe she SHOULD be paying for the whole thing?
the attorneys ususally know best - they have no emotional investment - gave a lot to my ex and regretted it years later - they just want more.
I agree. My D will be final three years in July. We used one attorney (house was sold and daughter was out of college), and while she did take half of the credit card debt and give me back the engagement diamond (it was in the family), I still had to take on other bills and split the sttorney fees. It took me about two years and I do not know if things would have been different had I gotten my own counsel, but for the past nine months or so it has been a regret. It just burns me that someone can have multiple affairs, put me at risk for STD and I get stuck with the majority of the bills because I make more money.
Anyway, I would listen to your attorney as they have seen this before and are removed emotionally from the scene.
Thanks JMC. Good advice. The more I think about it, the more I do in fact want her to pay for the whole thing. It is HER divorce after all. She's very well off with an inheritance from her grandparents, and I'm just scraping by with a part time job these days.
Got my disclosure statement in the mail today. Yikes! This is like the financial equivilent of A Tale of Two Cities! Fortunately I have until June 17 to figure it out, so I'm going to not worry about it for one weekend and enjoy my memorial day weekend trip to Nashville.
Heard from my attorney today. He talked to W's attorney who agreed that our case was/should be very simple and drew up a settlement agreement that I'm going to get in the mail soon. My fingers are crossed that this agreement is going to be VERY reasonable and I can get this all over and done with painlessly and move on with my summer and my life.
I'll take any thoughts and prayers that my W is in a sane/resonable frame of mind about this divorce! Even if I end up paying attorney fees out of my own pocket, it's worth it if this document can put a big fat nail in this coffin once and for all.
Just read over the settlement. In a nutshell seems like...
My stuff is still my stuff.
Her stuff is still her stuff.
We're each responsible for our attorney fees.
I wouldn't call it justice but I can live with it. Feeling kind of relieved about the whole thing. Now I just need to get some cheapo medical coverage and hopefully I can start really enjoying my summer.
Sounds like you came out alright. Better than I.
Thanks guys! There's still a chance she might not agree to the terms (I guess her attorney drew it up but hadn't shown it to her yet) though I can't see why she wouldn't want this. She has a lot more to lose than I do.
In a lot of ways I'm lucky (given the situation I'm already in at least.) We have no kids, no joint bank accounts, and no shared property. It's really cut and dry. Honestly even if I ever do have a serious relationship or marriage again at this point, I doubt I'll ever trust anyone to the point where I'd share my savings with them. Lesson learned.
Well I've been meaning to come back here, but I've been pretty busy/distracted. I have a date to finalize the divorce (according to those reasonable terms from above) THIS Thursday morning. I'm really nervous. But the very next day I'm going on a big long fun road trip, so I've been filling my week with distractions in preparation for that.
I also just applied for a new health insurance/dental plan out of pocket so I'm on the ball about everything I need to be.
How am I supposed to dress for divorce court???
Wish me luck folks. The next time I check this thread it'll all be over.