I feel like I am at crossroads of trying to figure out what is important in a relationship. Is it that important to have intimacy or just companionship as we get older. I want to do everything that I can to get as much out of life and enjoy life as much as I can and do what I can to stay as young as I can.
There is a lot of overlap here with my wife's stance. This is what my MC explained to me: everyone enjoys a different amount of distance in their relationship. If you were to plot a 10 point scale where 10 is extreme intimacy and 1 is roommates passing like ships in the night, everyone is going to occupy a range on that scale at different points during the day/week/month/year.
The point is, you may be comfortable between 6 and 8. If your wife is comfortable between 5 and 7, there is enough overlap that the intimacy difference probably won't bother either of you. When you're at 8 and she's at 5 there will be tension, but the majority of the time you will overlap.
As relationships evolve and people age, your position on the scale may change. If you have stayed at 6-8 but your wife has now slid down to 3-4, that is a recipe for frustration on both your parts. You will never feel you're getting what you need, and your wife will feel that no matter what she does it's never enough. Neither position is comfortable.
Therefore, you have 3 options: (1) leave, (2) encourage your wife to work with you to come up the scale to meet you, or (3) decide if you can tolerate the gap. It is generally not reasonable for you to try to come down the scale, though she may be able to move up it if she's motivated to do so.
If she gives you a "take it or leave it" ultimatum, which it sounds like, then you're stuck with (1) or (3).
My MC suggested this exercise: At the end of each day, ask yourself "If every day for the rest of my life was like today, would that be okay with me?". If the answer is "Yes" write a 1 on a unique page in a notebook. If the answer is "No" write a 0. You're supposed to use a new page for each mark so you're not influenced by looking at the trend.
After 6 months, (or some other period meaningful to you) go back and tabulate your responses. This will prevent you from fooling yourself into thinking you're "okay" when you're not, and protect you from making a rash decision during a low period when overall you're feeling okay.
That's the best my MC could offer.
The other advice I got was to think of your marriage like a project that you and your wife are co-managing. You have come to a place where you have different goals for your marriage. That being the case, you cannot possibly succeed in satisfying your objectives mutually because you are pursuing divergent goals.
When she says you won't like the answers, I think you have to push her to share them anyway (that's intimacy right?)
HOWEVER, you have to be prepared for the fact that she will speak as if her state of mind is permanent, and you have to be prepared not to take that personally.
She didn't feel this way when she married you, so that by itself is proof that feelings can change over time.
Is it just me and wanting to much?
I agonized over this -- were my expectations and desires reasonable?
Chances are you already know if what you want is reasonable. For me, I discussed it with an IC, an MC, and a DB coach, as well as my peers on this board. They without exception assured me that my expectations were completely reasonable, but that W was not interested in meeting them. That seems to be where you are.
Therefore, unless you feel you're overly needy, go with the assumption that what you want and need are reasonable.
Acc