She says she's Not Attracted to me - 01/05/03 03:00 PM
Michele
I read over the chapter you posted here. This issue is one that I am very concerned about. I believe that it is a key point in saving my M. I'd like to post a little about my concern on this issue, and hope that perhaps you or one of the moderaters may be able to comment.
In the beginning of our R, my W and I had the best sex life ever. We had tons of passion. I could not believe it. As it usually goes in new R's, after the first few months it leveled out (we weren't like rabbits anymore). Not that I wouldn't have liked the pace, but she began to tell me that I was just wanting to much, and that I was smothering her a bit.
Over time, issues developed in our M. I am unsure of what happened to our sex life, but it seems that we have spent almost our entire M of me always wanting to initiate, her rarely ever initiating, and me trying not to pressure her about it.
We've been married for about 6 years, but for at least the last 3 or more, our sex life has been down to about once a year. I tried not to make it an issue, but I once sat with her and told her that I was concerned about our M because of this - and she told me that she was just not interested in sex, and didn't know why. But, that I should not worry about it, that she loved me and our M was okay.
There are several factors that I thought might have caused it, we had both gained weight, we were under a lot of financial stress, and I could tell that we had some issues that needed to be addressed.
We last had sex in November of 2001. She initiated it. Later the same night we got into an arguement at a party, and two days later she said she wanted out of the M. I asked her how she could have sex with me one day and two days later want out of the M. She said she had done it for me... that she had been trying to work on the M. But, that it just wasn't working. She also said that I had backed off the issue so she had felt like initiating (to try again) but then I just moved back in with my smothering behavior and pressured her away again.
She decided to stay and work on the M at that point, but moved to the other bedroom. I wish that I had found DR then, but I didn't. We live in separate rooms until May of 2002. I had no idea of how to handle the sitch and I handled it all wrong. I ended up pushing her to the edge and in May she said that was it - she dropped the bomb.
The bomb got dropped in May as a direct result of my confronting her about her not being attracted to me. I asked her, and she said that she was not attracted to me any more and hadn't been for a long time. She said that she is interested in sex - just not with me.
I asked her what was wrong with me - I feel that I'm physically attractive... She said it wasn't that. It was how I made her feel. Not only had she resented me for a lot for smothering and controlling her, but she had begun to look at me more as a parent type instead of as a partner because she said that was how I had treated her.
I got the feeling for some time in our M that she had not been quite ready to commit to a lasting R, but that she tried because she did love me. However, I think she wanted out - or felt like she did (for whatever reasons) for a long time. Apparently she was not happy for a very long time.
I think the only reason she stayed was because she did love me, whether she felt attracted to me or not. I think she felt she tried everything to make it work, and then decided that it just wouldn't.
Over the past several months, I have made a lot of positive changes in myself (changes in behavior, lost weight, etc..), and she has commented on those changes but seems skeptical. She has also lost weight (so that isn't a factor for her anymore). I know she doesn't want to be in the same rut again. But, she keeps going back to her not being attracted to me - she brought it up again just the other day. She does not say that she loves me, she says she "cares for me". Sometimes I think she wishes that it would work, but that she just doesn't feel like she will be attracted to me again. After all, from what she says, she hasn't been for such a long time.
She has told me more than once over the past several months (and again just the other day) that she does not want to be in a R with anyone. She wants to be able to do as she pleases and not answer to anyone. That she wouldn't mind finding someone she could just hang out and have sex with occasionally - with no strings attached. The last time she said this to me she was angry, so I am not sure if she was serious. But, she has said it before.
So, with all that being said. I am concerned with her not being attracted to me, and the length of time that this has been going on. I would like to believe that the attraction will return once we work through our issues and have stated as much to her when we have discussed it. But, I am afraid that she is unable or unwilling to get past it. Is it possible that she is unable to feel that attraction again due to all this time? Or, is it just that she is unwilling? If she were willing.. if she still cares for me, can the feelings of attraction return after all this time?
Do you have any comments on this?.. or any examples of R's that have suffered such a similar problem for that has drawn out this long?
Thank you... I know my post was long, but I wanted to make sure I provided enough information for a good assessment.
I read over the chapter you posted here. This issue is one that I am very concerned about. I believe that it is a key point in saving my M. I'd like to post a little about my concern on this issue, and hope that perhaps you or one of the moderaters may be able to comment.
In the beginning of our R, my W and I had the best sex life ever. We had tons of passion. I could not believe it. As it usually goes in new R's, after the first few months it leveled out (we weren't like rabbits anymore). Not that I wouldn't have liked the pace, but she began to tell me that I was just wanting to much, and that I was smothering her a bit.
Over time, issues developed in our M. I am unsure of what happened to our sex life, but it seems that we have spent almost our entire M of me always wanting to initiate, her rarely ever initiating, and me trying not to pressure her about it.
We've been married for about 6 years, but for at least the last 3 or more, our sex life has been down to about once a year. I tried not to make it an issue, but I once sat with her and told her that I was concerned about our M because of this - and she told me that she was just not interested in sex, and didn't know why. But, that I should not worry about it, that she loved me and our M was okay.
There are several factors that I thought might have caused it, we had both gained weight, we were under a lot of financial stress, and I could tell that we had some issues that needed to be addressed.
We last had sex in November of 2001. She initiated it. Later the same night we got into an arguement at a party, and two days later she said she wanted out of the M. I asked her how she could have sex with me one day and two days later want out of the M. She said she had done it for me... that she had been trying to work on the M. But, that it just wasn't working. She also said that I had backed off the issue so she had felt like initiating (to try again) but then I just moved back in with my smothering behavior and pressured her away again.
She decided to stay and work on the M at that point, but moved to the other bedroom. I wish that I had found DR then, but I didn't. We live in separate rooms until May of 2002. I had no idea of how to handle the sitch and I handled it all wrong. I ended up pushing her to the edge and in May she said that was it - she dropped the bomb.
The bomb got dropped in May as a direct result of my confronting her about her not being attracted to me. I asked her, and she said that she was not attracted to me any more and hadn't been for a long time. She said that she is interested in sex - just not with me.
I asked her what was wrong with me - I feel that I'm physically attractive... She said it wasn't that. It was how I made her feel. Not only had she resented me for a lot for smothering and controlling her, but she had begun to look at me more as a parent type instead of as a partner because she said that was how I had treated her.
I got the feeling for some time in our M that she had not been quite ready to commit to a lasting R, but that she tried because she did love me. However, I think she wanted out - or felt like she did (for whatever reasons) for a long time. Apparently she was not happy for a very long time.
I think the only reason she stayed was because she did love me, whether she felt attracted to me or not. I think she felt she tried everything to make it work, and then decided that it just wouldn't.
Over the past several months, I have made a lot of positive changes in myself (changes in behavior, lost weight, etc..), and she has commented on those changes but seems skeptical. She has also lost weight (so that isn't a factor for her anymore). I know she doesn't want to be in the same rut again. But, she keeps going back to her not being attracted to me - she brought it up again just the other day. She does not say that she loves me, she says she "cares for me". Sometimes I think she wishes that it would work, but that she just doesn't feel like she will be attracted to me again. After all, from what she says, she hasn't been for such a long time.
She has told me more than once over the past several months (and again just the other day) that she does not want to be in a R with anyone. She wants to be able to do as she pleases and not answer to anyone. That she wouldn't mind finding someone she could just hang out and have sex with occasionally - with no strings attached. The last time she said this to me she was angry, so I am not sure if she was serious. But, she has said it before.
So, with all that being said. I am concerned with her not being attracted to me, and the length of time that this has been going on. I would like to believe that the attraction will return once we work through our issues and have stated as much to her when we have discussed it. But, I am afraid that she is unable or unwilling to get past it. Is it possible that she is unable to feel that attraction again due to all this time? Or, is it just that she is unwilling? If she were willing.. if she still cares for me, can the feelings of attraction return after all this time?
Do you have any comments on this?.. or any examples of R's that have suffered such a similar problem for that has drawn out this long?
Thank you... I know my post was long, but I wanted to make sure I provided enough information for a good assessment.