....all I see is someone who came back to me because the ow didn't want him.
...He expects me to "win" him back and act as if nothing happened,
...Looks like I will have to commit to wanting to work on things, meanin Ill have to do whatever he wants and hope he'll do the same. I'm still not ready to give ip on him and I guess I should give it my best try for now and see how things progress, but it's very difficult to get started.
....I got offended because he lied again, I got offended that he still chooses her after everything he'd said, so I decided be it, I don't care what he does, who he does it with...
.. He started changing a bit and I gave in to try working on it... How long to wait and see though? A year? A few months?
I wish some others would chime in and give you some alternate points of view, especially women.
From my perspective, if I were in your shoes, based on your opening comments (and assuming you really want the marriage to work and can forgive him), I would tell him that he really needs to make a choice in his life as to if he wants the marriage with you work or not. I would tell him that you are willing to forgive him and commit to making the marriage work (based on what you posted), but that there are some conditions that need to be met for you to try to improve the marriage and work on saving it.
I would tell him that you understand that you have hurt him and are sorry and will work hard to never do that again. However, you have some conditions that he needs to respect:
- that he will forgive you for the pain you have caused him;
- prior to having sex with him, you want the both of you to be tested for STD's and share the written test results with each other (you will not allow yourself to be infected by him and want to be absolutely certain that he hasn't done that to you already);
- you want the two of you to jointly go to marriage counseling;
- you want him to commit to working on the marriage for the next 6 months and that means no unchaperoned physical contact with the OW;
- in 6 months you and he will sit down with your marriage councelor and discuss whether you feel the marriage is still capable of being saved, until then you will assume it can be and devote yourself to saving it;
- If he can't agree to all of the above, then you want a divorce (if that is what you want) and an agreement to part as friends and not enemies.
Again, you need to figure out what you want for your life.
I really strongly disagree with your statement that you need to do "whatever he wants." However, you also need to understand that most people rationalize what they do so they don't feel that they are evil. He has convinced himself that having an affair was reasonable and appropriate based on the circumstance. While such thinking is crazy, look at people like John Edwards, Elliot Spitzer, Arnold Schwartzenager, Bill Clinton, etc. They convinced themselves that the didn't need to be faithful, that they were special, they were entitled and that what they were doing was not a problem or weakness on their part. Your husband is probably not that much different in his thinking (or lack of thinking).
I would also read every relationship book you can find and figure out what you want from life and a marriage. Read the most appropriate MWD book and read other relationship books to figure out what you did wrong, and what you feel your husband needs to do differently so that things get better. Most importantly work on getting a life program. MWD and other often say that 180's and GAL are the backbone of saving a marriage. A GAL program is focused on improving you through exercise and learning new things. It along with 180's forces your H to change how he interacts with you and that just might allow him to start treating you the way you should be treated and save your marriage.
As to you question of "how long?" He has done a few things that indicates he maybe wants to save the marriage. For that (if it were me) I would give him 6 months if he agrees to actively work on saving the marriage. For that 6 months I would force myself to forgive him. If at the end of 6 months he really hasn't made an effort at saving the marriage or he won't commit to any of your conditions, then I would tell myself that I tried and end the marriage and move on. If he does work at things, I would give him another 6 months, but would probably find out long before then that he really does want the marriage to last.
If he refuses to your conditions (and I would make them minimal and only if you are willng to divorce him over them), I would give myself 3 to 4 months to work on my GAL program so I was a better person and more able to stand the pressure associated with the changes that divorce cause.
Again, please remember that as much as he has hurt you, imagine how much he has hurt himself. To most men their ego is important to have been dumped by the OW and crawled back to the wife has to be something that he has had to deal with in all kinds of strange ways. I am sure that he has convinced himself that "up is down" and "left of right" just so he can look at himself in the mirror.
To expect him to immediately own-up to what he has done wrong is beyond what most humans are use to doing. It will require a lot of strength on his part just to agree to counseling where he has to confess what has happened and explain what he did out loud to a stranger. Part of why it will take strength is because he will know what he has done is very wrong and will know what a jerk he will look like. Your apologizing for what you did, will help, but ultimately he will know what he did was worse.
The STD testing will make him realize that sex with others is risky business and can have significant health consequences. It could be a real wake-up call and an explanation for why you aren't throwing yourself at him.
The marriage counseling is your way of helping to really make the marriage work. If he objects to the cost, tell him that it is a lot cheaper than hiring two divorce attorneys and that is his other option.
As to the his commitment to not be with the other woman by himself, I would tell him that you will trust him for the next 6 months, but you don't trust the OW and this will provide you with the peace of mind you need to focus on rebuilding your marriage with him.
As to the 6-month progress review, tell him that many marriages don't survive an infidelity and that you want to try to make things work, but you also want to be realistic and not promise him something that you might not be able to keep, nor do you want him to promise you something he might not be able to keep, but that both of you should be able to handle 6 months.
Good luck to you. If you have a minister or can find a good marriage councelor, you might want to figure out your own personal strategy and go over it with them prior to sitting down with your husband. I am sure they would be able to provide you with other thoughts and options.