What is a 180.....?
A complete OPPOSITE of
your MORE OF THE SAME behaviors
your partner's stereotype of you
the things that irritate your partner about you
We discussed the More of the Same behaviors in a different thread....what would be THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of that?
What are your partner's stereotypes of you.....and what could you do to completely blow that stereotype?
What about you irritates your partner? What can you do that is the opposite of that?
Challenge each other on your own threads.
If you need clarification...ask questions here.
sg,I have a question for you, my W thinks that all of the work I am doing to help myself is to save the marriage. As in her terms she believes that I will do anything to WIN. This is my nature as I do hate to lose, of course as I have tried to tell her, this is not about winning and losing, this is my family that we are messing with. Can you tell me what a complete 180 would be for someone in my situation. I have no idea what to do as she has made this comment plenty of times, "you will do what you can to come home and then everything will go right back to where it once was." Please help.
IMO you have to do the 180s because you want to better yourself. Saving your marriage/family is the planned byproduct of that. You can't 180 things just for the other person. The 180s I have done make me a better person, regardless of what my marital status is. These are the changes we make for ourselves that benefit others, too.
For instance, I'm not the neatest person. Since my H and I were dating, I never made the bed daily and usually used the chair for my laundry hamper. I know that being messy was a problem for him. I'm still myself, but I make the bed every day when I get up and I put my clothes right into the laundry. You know what? Am I doing this just for him? Perhaps it started that way, but I realize that taking the little extra time to be neater is actually better and now I do it for me. Trust me, he's noticed.
Thanks cw, I am doing these things for me to become a better person as I know they are needed. My question is how do you do a 180 on being someone who always wants to win and your W believes that the only reason you are making these changes are to save the R and in other words WIN. This is tough for me to come up with a 180 to do this with. Do you have any insight of what type of 180 I would need to do for this type of situation? Thanks.
You have to do some 180s that benefit you and only you.
For instance, among other things, I've taken to doing the crossword puzzle in the newspaper every morning just because it's something I've never done before and I thought I'd enjoy it. (I mostly do though not knowing all the answers drives me up the wall!) A side benefit is that having hobbies is attractive. I'm enjoying doing new things and I have a feeling that my H is enjoying me doing new things. This is a good DB move because you're blowing their expectations of you. The person I was before was an unsuccessful spouse, regardless of whether or not I believe my H was "more" responsible for the demise of our marriage. I don't want to be that person I was before, I want to be better.
GAL. You don't GAL to win, you GAL to GAL.
[quote=cw68]You have to do some 180s that benefit you and only you.
For instance, among other things, I've taken to doing the crossword puzzle in the newspaper every morning just because it's something I've never done before and I thought I'd enjoy it. (I mostly do though not knowing all the answers drives me up the wall!) A side benefit is that having hobbies is attractive. I'm enjoying doing new things and I have a feeling that my H is enjoying me doing new things. This is a good DB move because you're blowing their expectations of you. The person I was before was an unsuccessful spouse, regardless of whether or not I believe my H was "more" responsible for the demise of our marriage. I don't want to be that person I was before, I want to be better.
You are exactly right on you GAL for yourself which is what I am doing. The problem is my with believes this is my way of winning. How do you get a WAW to see this is not the case? If someone has always strived to win, what is a 180 that goes against that?
Doing 180s that benefit you personally, not because it's something that your W wants. Did my H want me to start doing crossword puzzles? No. Did my H want me to start lifting weights? No, he just thought I should go to the gym regularly for my health. The weight lifting benefits ME. Pick up some hobbies that scream PING1!
GAL isn't about her, it's about you. As long as you keep thinking that GAL is just for your marriage, she will think it's about winning and she'll be right.
Hi Ping,
Ditto to cw68's remarks above. In addition, I think your W's comments likely reflect another way of saying "I'm noticing the changes you are making but I am scared that it won't last or that it is not for real. I like what I am seeing but don't want to trust right now." So, if that is true, part of it is you need to sustain those changes for quite a long time--they need to become part of your lifestyle vs. a technique--and then you may find that the guard comes down a little bit more.
My $0.02.
Purr
I agree with what the others are saying.
I also think she's not seeing the 'real giving' part yet. It's not just about GAL.
There's something about the 180 that says....I really care about YOU the things that were hurting you or putting you off. The 180 about how you handle your interpersonal interactions. When THOSE things change...in my experience.....it becomes 'real' or 'meaningful' to the other person.
I can totally relate to this "winning/losing" dynamic you're describing. Interestingly, some of my GAL moves are things my husband seems to be enjoying. I don't pester him about his whereabouts, so he feels free to move and groove. I don't ask him who he's with much anymore, either, and don't really get into too much detail with him about his day.
I also see that my husband sees me doing the GAL thing, and getting busier, happier and less needy and available to him morning, noon and night as a retaliatory act for his checked-out demeanor at home and his frequent business trips. He's said he feels like he's losing my attention, as if I'm trying to hurt him.
I'm trying to be really true to myself, to do the GAL thing in the right spirit - so that I'm actually making myself feel happier, not just trying to manipulate the situation or turn t the screws. And it's working, but it sure isn't comfortable. There are many times a day when I have to remind myself not to obsess about him and refocus on my own initiatives and plans. I've reminded him that in the past, me not being busy with my own life has been a problem for our relationship, and he acknowledges that. But it's definitely taking him out of his comfy spot to not have me at his beckon call.
As one friend said, "it's the bad behavior that feels comfortable,the good behavior is more of a stretch." Call me Gumby!
Question:
At the moment I am refusing to agree to a D. This is making my H angry and now has no communication with me at all (despite having 3 children together).
It would be the 180 of a lifetime for me to change my mind and agree. I love my H very much and don't ever want to fall out of love with him BUT this animosity is affecting my children adversely. I'm beginning to feel that I would rather have some sort of R with my H (albeit as his X and mother of his children) than no R at all.
What are other's opinions?
ping...i'm in the same boat...i HATE to lose..and my WAW knows that. She still feels that I'm doing many of these GAL changes to attract her back. I'm not sure how to make her believe that I'm doing it for myself, not to try and win her back (which would be a great offshoot of this)
For instance...I bought a bike earlier this week, and someone saw me riding down the street on it and said something ot her. She didn't believe it was me until she asked me about it..and I said yeah, it was me. She got mad (allegedly) because I joined the gym...something about how it must be nice ot have the money to do that.....
sg,I have a question for you, my W thinks that all of the work I am doing to help myself is to save the marriage. As in her terms she believes that I will do anything to WIN. This is my nature as I do hate to lose, of course as I have tried to tell her, this is not about winning and losing, this is my family that we are messing with. Can you tell me what a complete 180 would be for someone in my situation. I have no idea what to do as she has made this comment plenty of times, "you will do what you can to come home and then everything will go right back to where it once was." Please help.
I am the same way..
but i am working out every night, trying new things..i am working on fixing ME.. i think i am doing a fine job..
I've sat here and have read all of your stories with a renewed interest in GAL with some sort of 180 turn. My usual, which is what I'm doing now, is waiting for H at the kitchen table to come home from work, dinner ready, me web surfing. He walks in to this everyday and it's at this time that my night with him starts. I wait for him...wait...wait....wait.....
Would a 180 for me to be: Him walking in to dinner made, on stove, kitchen lights off and me gone....out taking a walk or maybe for a bike ride?
And what if he doesn't care that I'm gone? What if he likes it? LOL Believe me...sometimes I need to be led by the hand...true story!
Oh gosh...I know I need to GAL...I am starting to annoy myself!
hugs,
Bliss
Here's my 180, and I didn't even realize it until I just read this thread.
I AM MOVING BACK HOME! (for me) YA (jumping for joy).
I guess I'm doing a 180...but it's also really a Last Resort. My W told me about a month ago that she doesn't know what she wants. I spents some time crying, pleading and blaming myself. But the fact is my W is deeply depressed has a dependency on Rx drugs and I think has a drinking problem. I am happy at least that's she's agree to go for individual therapy and I am doing the same. I need to GAL...but I also want to spend as much time as I can with my kids (8 and 11).
We're still living together and on some level we're becioming friends again but we don't talk about rweal issues yet (maybe it's too soon) and it's not clear if she'll agree to marriage counseling yet.
ACJ,
not agreeing to D here as well. making W angry. tells me "have fun waiting 2 years. as soon as we're divorced i'm marrying OM"
note: here in NJ (same elsewhere?) I have 2 years to NOT grant a D until the court steps in and gives it to her.
the complete 180 for me would be to grant a divorce. however I don't agree with saying "sure you can marry another man honey! it's ok!"
My 180 is putting me first for a change...
ann
I've done some--actually, many--180's that have worked. When H and I first had a big fight and he decided he didn't want to be together anymore, the first thing I did was panic. Luckily I stumbled upon an e-book that gave me some ideas. This led to finding more sources of advice which led to more ideas, and now we are at a much better place. There is still work to be done but I am thankful for what has transpired between us. Here are some things I did that worked:
Moving out of the house and pretty much ignoring him. I was only gone for 2-3 days, but after I had kept my distance for a week or two, he approached me asking for the reasons I wanted to stay together, and whether it was just for financial or social reasons. I asked him for some time alone and came back with a list of my reasons. I think that was the beginning of our reconciliation; I'm lucky things never got so far as having an affair or actually moving out permanently.
Starting to do my fair share of the work around the house--throughout our M, H had issues with me because he thought I wasn't doing my fair share and I thought he was being controlling and trying to use me as a maid. I had to own up to the fact that he was probably right, which took a lot of growing up on my part, but it worked; he started to feel more taken care of.
Stopped asking for sex indirectly and just came downstairs naked one day. That definitely got his attention. It had been 2 months with no contact and I wanted to reignite things but was not sure how to proceed. It didn't bring about the complete reconciliation that I hoped for, and we agreed afterwards that we weren't going to be intimate while he was not committed to staying, but I learned quite a few things from it.
Stopped the cycle of stuffing down my feelings and then letting the resentment explode all over him. Instead, now every time I have a feeling that upsets me, I decide whether or not it needs to be expressed to him, and if it does, I do it simply and directly, and tell him what I want. This is terrifying and might not work for everyone, but it has been working like a charm for me.
Stopped caring whether or not we stayed married, and simply started focusing on being the best, happiest, most peaceful me I could be. Now obviously I do still want to stay married, but it is a preference now, not a desperate need. I don't know if this has had an effect on him or not, but I certainly feel a hell of a lot more relaxed and peaceful as a result, and other people--friends, my MIL--are definitely picking up on it.
In response to the original post:
What is a 180.....?
A complete OPPOSITE of
your MORE OF THE SAME behaviors
your partner's stereotype of you
the things that irritate your partner about you
We discussed the More of the Same behaviors in a different thread....what would be THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of that?
What are your partner's stereotypes of you.....and what could you do to completely blow that stereotype?
What about you irritates your partner? What can you do that is the opposite of that?
Well we are apart at the moment, have been for nearly one month, but still in contact by IM nearly every day. So, here are the 180s that I have been trying, remains to be seen if they will work, but some have been noticed, as he has mentioned some of them on a joint DB session:
H says I gave no space--now I don't initiate contact, even forwarding emails unless he does first that day. I also chose to work in another country for a couple of months, to ensure there would be distance. (H mentioned on the coaching call that I am giving space)
H thinks I am controlling--now I don't ask what he has been doing, validate when he says he has gone out with the guys, and furthermore have offered to come and pet-sit for him to go on an extended guys trip.
H thinks I never listened to him and to what he wanted and needed. I have offered to move somewhere for his job (he has moved twice for me), have apologized for pressuring him about moving to a specific location (this was a massive issue for him), and I have validated his feelings during counseling sessions and individual conversations, have not shared my own feelings or wants and needs. (on the coaching call mentioned that he appreciated my flexibility in terms of moving for him, and that I have come a long way--even though he doesn't trust it yet)
H thinks we fight all the time about the same things. We have not had one fight during the last 5 weeks, and when he starts getting frustrated, I just validate and remain calm.
I have been pressuring him about when I get back home from working abroad and he has said to quit saying "when I get back". I am now not saying this, and have not brought up joint trips, or times to meet in the last 2 weeks. He thinks 3 months apart won't be enough for everything to be fixed, and he thinks I am putting that pressure on. In the next coaching session I will say that there is no timeline on things getting fixed.
My H is planning on moving the end of this month to furnished apt. We work together. H said we grew apart, and IANH and does not want to work on marriage. Feel it is full blown MLC. He also cheated and has OW these past months. It has been totally depressing. At beginning I guilted, yelled, cried and drove H away more.
One 180 is my GAL here. Goes for daily walks on the beach and don't invite H. H has started to notice
My biggest 180 today was when talking to H today he said once he leaves we will see how it goes. I told H, even though I told you I want you back, I do not know if I will change and if you decide to come home I might not want that. You might have to consider that. I think I shocked him. Then I said bye and walked away.
It is tough every day and every day I try to do opposite of what I normally do.
_______________________
M 52
H 49
D15
D28
bomb INILWY 7/27/08
moving to apt 10/1/08
My 180 at the moment is to have no contact.
I have been available, working , pestering H.
I have not contacted in 5 days except for a letter that outlined my boundries , which included no contact.
I feel sick with worry as I do not know consequenses . What I do know is that what I was doing was not working. I just hope that i have not over looked another option.
God I wish this was over
More of the Same: kindness, patience, reliable, responsible, good natured, giving, family oriented, charming, home body
Stereotype: no real social life, stay home, no excitement, nice, caring, supportive, under achiever, always tired
Things that irritate: Ask questions, expect emotional bond, apologize, thinks relationship deters his having his own friends.
He felt guilty that he would want to spend time with friends and he didn't have his own independence He began to neglect me and go out with friends, but found me home when he got there. rrrr!
So, if he ever calls me again ... be really busy.
I'm trying to go back to school and get a new job. I would like to lose about 15 lbs. that I put on in this emotional year. Try to enjoy life. (depression gets to me because of all of this) I'd like to be sure of myself and confident.
Hi. I'm attempting a 180 from the behavior that my wife has seen over the past several years. She decided she didn't want to be married to that guy. He didn't participate in the family. He didn't help with housework. He didn't understand how to build intimacy.
I think I understand what behaviors need to change, but making those behaviors stick will be tough. I'm committed to making the changes; however, I also aware that the changes make me seem less stable to my wife. She's not used to seeing me like this, and I'm not sure she really trusts me in this state.
How have other spouses dealt with 180s by their spouses?
Thanks.
My 180 at the moment is no contact as well. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I keep telling my H that I will not call him, but then I do. I say only text and email and then we talk, email, and text..excessively. So I have put an end to it these past couple of days.
I think the hardest thing is not knowing whether or not this will make any impact at all, and if it does when.
He has already filed for divorce because of all the other more of the same behaviors.
Does anyone have any great tips for keeping the 180s going???
I know GAL is the first thing to do..and I have begun working on that. But how do you stay upbeat and positive when you feel like your world is falling apart??
I want to know at what point during your 180 do you or can you give in. For example if my 180 is no contact because all I was doing was pursuing when is it okay to make contact? Do I wait to see if he contacts me or at what point do I let my guard down and call or text again?
It has been 5 days since I have had any contact and that is HUGE for me. But I don't want to look like I am caving either. I said I was going to make changes and I need to. But it is getting really hard. Esp today.
Any suggestions?????
I think the hardest thing is not knowing whether or not this will make any impact at all
You are in good company there as this is the hardest thing for all of us
Unfortuately that's a bit like asking how long is a piece of string. For some spouses your sudden change in behaviour makes them sit up and take notice, for others it unfortunately changes nothing
The person the no contact should really be for is YOU. I found this very hard as I felt I needed to retain that contact in order to have a chance at rebuilding my M. However as time went on my H just used that contact to hurt me more and more and be particularly spiteful. I didn't need that and he didn't want me pestering him. Now there is virtually no contact between us, in fact he goes out of his way to ensure that there isn't. Does that bother me? Hell yes. My H was my best friend in whom I confided everything. Do I feel better for it? Actually yes b/c it takes away the drama that MLCers in particular like to create. Did it save my M? Not yet and the way things are going it isn't likely to. Did it save me? YEs Yes Yes!
I want to know at what point during your 180 do you or can you give in
If anyone could answer that question for you we would charge you a fortune and all be milliionaires by now. There is no answer. Only you will know when you are done.
In the grand scheme of things you have not been here very long and 5 days (although it may seem like a life time) is not really sufficient time to make a spouse take notice (especially if they are really engrossed in thier new lives right now).
The biggest advice that I think anyone should give here is that you need to learn patience and ,more importantly, the value of YOU
the 180s ive used are working, but when do we deal with our issues (trust, communication, healing from the hurt, reasons for our troubles)? not talking about them and being friends again is good, but not addressing real issues is not good in the long run. i want the improvements to last, but not at the expense of sweeping real issues under the rug.
tb5, start a thread in newcomers, people dont check these very often, if you want answers start a thread and tell your story, its what people need to give advice. And if you truly make changes, you might be surprised how many of your issues evaporate.
Well, let's see, i think my wife's stereotype of me is that i will wait around forever for her, and she enjoys having me there b/c i am so completely reliable all the time. I guess the 180 would be to let her know I'm ready to move on? Maybe start seeing other people. She's indicated she is going to be seeing other people. It makes me really sick, actually...
maybe your 180 is to not be reliable.
you don't have to see other people.
just don't make her a priority.
you have to remember that in times like these, your w will say stuff to push your buttons.
let it go.
don't react until it has happened. no point in being nauseated now.
dumped.
Jeff, I was thinking that an effective 180 is when you can believe in the changes. I am hoping that you realize that putting a boundary on her behavior of seeing other people is not being unreliable.
Being reliable is part of WHO YOU ARE! I am faithful to a fault, and it's not something I want to change. But what obligates you to be reliable to a person who takes advantage of you? Nothing.
I am doing a 180 by not pursuing him and by pretty much letting him know that I will be ok without him, even though that is not what I want. I have stopped calling him while he is away at work and have started telling him when he communicates to me that I accept that he wants to leave and that I just want to be civil at this point...he is very confused by this! I put in a job app for him (he works away but was looking for closer to home work and this fits the bill) and he texted and asked if I had done that..I said yes,but he needed to get online if interested and fill out more of the profile and app, as I had just sent in his resume for him..then he called and asked a few more things but I broke it off and said, I was busy and hoped he did well with it, but that I had to go.
He texted tonight again asking questions about the app. I looked at it for him and then sent him this email:
All it shows me is that you are currently being considered for the position. I would give their HR a call tomorrow if I were you and just state your interest and tell them when you will be home how you can be reached and ask if you need to do anything more..explain you applied via your phone as your laptop was not available to you. Best I can figure...
Hope it works out for you. No need for us to be uncivil, as I said. Have a good night and please give me a heads up as to what your plans are..I have work Fri, Sat, Sun...scheduling carts tomorrow, have a lot on my plate right now, so don't need any stress...
D (my 19yearoldson) is going to move in full time if he indeed gets the job on the rig, and can pay rent so that is a relief...He is interested in taking the upstairs, and says he will help me do the flooring and carpet downstairs so I have the other bedroom...
Have some cash coming so I will be ok for a bit..and don't think my taxes will be as bad as I thought..may owe a few grand, but I can pull that out of my exxon check if it comes or 401k if need be from my cash funds there...so I will be ok. Don't worry, you don't owe me a thing, and I don't owe you a thing..so we're good. Do whatever you want and be happy...I mean that. Good night...Have a good day tomorrow! I'm going to
do my best to do the same.
Any thoughts?
We have been together for over 2 years..he had major issues with multiple ow in beginning, stopped, but
[quote=cw68]You have to do some 180s that benefit you and only you.
For instance, among other things, I've taken to doing the crossword puzzle in the newspaper every morning just because it's something I've never done before and I thought I'd enjoy it. (I mostly do though not knowing all the answers drives me up the wall!) A side benefit is that having hobbies is attractive. I'm enjoying doing new things and I have a feeling that my H is enjoying me doing new things. This is a good DB move because you're blowing their expectations of you. The person I was before was an unsuccessful spouse, regardless of whether or not I believe my H was "more" responsible for the demise of our marriage. I don't want to be that person I was before, I want to be better.
You are exactly right on you GAL for yourself which is what I am doing. The problem is my with believes this is my way of winning. How do you get a WAW to see this is not the case? If someone has always strived to win, what is a 180 that goes against that?
I also think so.
My husband and I are still living together but he wants me out at the end of the month. I am actually known to be unreliable and too sexually available. He has mentioned we used to talk often. Does that mean I should text him more as my 180? Can we still have sex if he initiates? Should I reject all advances? I'm still so confused. Please advise.
soulfrag -
There is probably a whole lot more going on with your situation than in those few lines.
What lead to things turning sour, what are you and your husband doing differently than when you were first in love?
Hang in there, there is still hope, even if you have already moved out.
Hi, I am in a familiar predicament as ping1. I started to GAL, going to the gym, going back to church, spending more time with my boys. Me and W has separated for 2 months, she is seeing somone else.
We have not stopped seeing each other or being intimate once in a while. She constantly remains me that she sees the changes I have done, but that only gets her angry because now I have time for my self and when we were together I was never available to do anything. She feels cheated and also that I am going thru a phase just to win her back.
I doing the GAL for myself, otherwise I would have gone crazy already just thinking about her. But that has made her angry, I do not want to stop doing what I am doing for my self, but I also do not want to keep hurting my W. Please, help.
Question: How can 180s work if you and your spouse already living separately and rarely communicate?
Still struggling at times with the same question as LeftCoastLBH. I also have a time limit of leaving the country town I am in at the end of the year to go back to our proper home (1000km away). The W at this stage doesn't want to go back to the proper home.
Question: How can 180s work if you and your spouse already living separately and rarely communicate?
The 180's that are meaningful and consistently applied will stick. And the rare occasion when you see or communicate with your spouse, it will be evident that some change has occurred. And the interest will grow. And that is how they work. But, remember the 180's are really for you and not your spouse. Do them because they are the right thing to do to make you a better person. The added benefit is if your spouse finds the changes appealing and believable.
Make sense?
I am the more HD spouse and tried to do a 180 of not initiating sex for a while. For my H, that did NOT result in him initiating more frequently.
However, I did learn of a 180 yesterday that H's therapist asked me to do. H is depressed and had a breakdown the other night due to pressures at work & lack of direction for his career. I tried to console him but was too solution-oriented, like I was trying to fix everything (which I know I cannot). H says after discussing the breakdown with his therapist, next time I should try just holding him and telling him I will be there for him no matter what. Not sure if that will help next time, but I will try it.
What 180 do anyone recommend when I have been the cold and distant one in the marriage before W decides it over?
Can't seem to find the right words when she's hardly interested to talk and has avoided me whenever she can.
The logical 180 would be 'being available' but that seems to make her frustrated.
IMO you have to do the 180s because you want to better yourself. Saving your marriage/family is the planned byproduct of that. You can't 180 things just for the other person. The 180s I have done make me a better person, regardless of what my marital status is. These are the changes we make for ourselves that benefit others, too.
For instance, I'm not the neatest person. Since my H and I were dating, I never made the bed daily and usually used the chair for my laundry hamper. I know that being messy was a problem for him. I'm still myself, but I make the bed every day when I get up and I put my clothes right into the laundry. You know what? Am I doing this just for him? Perhaps it started that way, but I realize that taking the little extra time to be neater is actually better and now I do it for me. Trust me, he's noticed.
I can relate to this. My H is going through a MLC and today he told one of my friends that he left me because the house was always a mess. He says that he is much happier living on his own and his flat is immaculate.
This is definitely a GAL that I need to be working on
I'll try and think along the lines of I'm doing it for me, but I know that'll be hard! I think once the house is "immaculate" then it'll make me feel better as well!
Hi TTD180
One of my H complaints is I clean too much so now I'm trying to be less finicky. Seems like we can't win.
LCLBH I had the same question. My coach also mentioned that, yes we do it for ourselves and I'm finding the kids responding, but PRAYING that this info spills out and H will eventually see the changes
Hope it works for the both of us
Hey Whiterose, what was it that LCLBH said, I can't find the thread
Hi TTD180
Sorry, I don't know how to copy what people said yet....it's this thread January 28......just a few posts before this one
Asking about how a 180 works when living separately and rarely communicate
ahh right got it
My H has recently stopped communicating as much as he used to because I have! He seems to be the one who initiates contact with me when he's not heard from me for a while. I sometimes cave in and phone him when I've got a reason to. I was going to send him an email today about a link, but then I thought no I won't bother
tTD180 mine called this am, been a week, called to see if the boys were home but they weren't , not sure why he didn't call their cells first, I answered very cheerfully, no, they're at the deli, pause, H "ok" me "ok bye!" And hung up. Trying to go dark but not sure if I should engage him on the phone a little or just answer his questions and leave it at that?
I'm confused as to what is too cool and too much
TTD180
How long have you not been engaging him? Are you feeling its time to start?
Whiterose, you make me laugh in a good way
I wish I had the guts to say to my H, ok bye, lol. I break sandi's rules every time, I always engage in chit chat with my H.
The only time I feel it's time to start engaging properly with him is when he says I want to come home! Even then I want to take it slowly this time, let him date me again, talk a lot and find out what his issues are!
I've not been engaging with him as much when he announced he wanted a D, which was about a month ago! He's been gone 3 months now and for the first 2 months I didn't know about DB or DR or I would've started to disengage sooner
As it was, I thought that we were getting closer, he came round for meals, I let him have a bath as he's only got a shower at his, I even gave him a massage when his back was sore. Then a week later he tells me he wants a D! I felt like I'd been hit with a brick! I asked him if he'd delay the D until I'd finished my college course, he said no because he'd arranged to meet the lawyer that week. He went for a job interview on the monday and expected me to ring him to see how he had got on. Because I didn't ring him, he came round on Weds to tell me he's delayed it for a month as he thought I wasn't talking to him. Too right mate! He's not mentioned D since and I've not brought it up, so it's back to being a mind reader again!
Great job, tryingToDo180. Keep in mind that he wants the D, not you. Do not lift a finger or help him in any way regarding the D. Make him do it all by himself if he wants to. Do not accommodate the him and help him with the D. Just lovingly detach and let him know that a D is not what you want and that your choice is to keep your family together.
Great job again,
BKS
Well, TTD180, if I can make you laugh it's a good thing:)
I 100% agree do not lift a finger to help. My H has been gone just over three months and I told him a month later that if he wanted a D he would have to do it. His response? "Well, fine if you want me to be the [censored]!" (In my head REALLY BUDDY!?!?!")
He's come by to get past tax returns for his lawyer and the first time I tried talking to him, and although I know he heard me, he didn't seem to care. A few days later I got an email saying he grabbed the wrong stuff (which I knew because I saw what he grabbed) can he come by and can pull it? Ummmmmmmm yes and no. I told him I had been pretty clear I was not helping him destroy our family and our life.....he came by and as he was leaving under his breath said "I couldn't find what I needed" (in my head, YEAH cause this is the stuff I do and you've never touched!) and all I said was "have a good night H" and he just turned and walked away.
I think I read in one of the feeds that they do this back and forth thing where they seem to come closer and then get scared or the anger resurfaces and then they can sometimes slowly come back......do you think that's where he's at?
Take good care......you're doing great!
Great job, tryingToDo180. Keep in mind that he wants the D, not you. Do not lift a finger or help him in any way regarding the D. Make him do it all by himself if he wants to. Do not accommodate the him and help him with the D. Just lovingly detach and let him know that a D is not what you want and that your choice is to keep your family together.
Great job again,
BKS
Thanks BKS
I'm not going to contact a lawyer until I receive a letter from his solicitor and even then my one is through a charity so it won't be costing me a penny
I'm hoping he already knows that I don't want the D and I want our family back together. I have made that perfectly clear to him. The day he told me he wanted a D, I did everything that DB tells us not to do. I begged, pleaded, said I'd changed, etc. The only thing I didn't do is cry in front of him, I think I was too shocked to!
Well, TTD180, if I can make you laugh it's a good thing:)
I 100% agree do not lift a finger to help. My H has been gone just over three months and I told him a month later that if he wanted a D he would have to do it. His response? "Well, fine if you want me to be the *********!" (In my head REALLY BUDDY!?!?!")
He's come by to get past tax returns for his lawyer and the first time I tried talking to him, and although I know he heard me, he didn't seem to care. A few days later I got an email saying he grabbed the wrong stuff (which I knew because I saw what he grabbed) can he come by and can pull it? Ummmmmmmm yes and no. I told him I had been pretty clear I was not helping him destroy our family and our life.....he came by and as he was leaving under his breath said "I couldn't find what I needed" (in my head, YEAH cause this is the stuff I do and you've never touched!) and all I said was "have a good night H" and he just turned and walked away.
I think I read in one of the feeds that they do this back and forth thing where they seem to come closer and then get scared or the anger resurfaces and then they can sometimes slowly come back......do you think that's where he's at?
Take good care......you're doing great!
Thanks Whiterose
I don't know where my H is at because he confuses me with what he is thinking. I don't know if he just wants to be friends or he is starting to get close again.
He does get a bit closer then distances himself again. I just remain 180ing.
I don't think I would've mentioned the D to your H at all. Do you have to D after 3 months of living apart where you live? I've never mentioned D to my H, he just brought it up out of the blue one day.
Hi
"I don't think I would've mentioned the D to your H at all. Do you have to D after 3 months of living apart where you live? I've never mentioned D to my H, he just brought it up out of the blue one"
No, we need to be separated one year before the divorce can go through, unless there is adultery or abuse then right away, I don't have to sign the final document though-a judge can do that on my behalf three months after the year. He has stared proceedings so that, I assume, he can finalize at one year
TTD180
I just had a thought.....do you think you're confused with his thoughts because he's not sure of what he wants? Since I'm so new here im doing a lot of reading through here and some posters mention that friends is a good place to start and he can begin to trust and eventually find his love for you again.
I think you're continuing to do 180 is great and hoping that he can find his way back
Thanks for your support Whiterose
I hope that if we still stay friends then we might get closer again. Who knows!
I rang him today as the conservatory roof was leaking. We had a flash flood this morning and he said to ring him if any water gets in. He answered the phone said hello and then the line went dead. I rang him back and it just rang and rang. I was unsure whether or not to phone him today, but I wish I hadn't now as it's just left me feeling cheesed off! When he has work, he leaves his phone in the car, he never ignores the phone on purpose he always rings me back. Trouble is he'll probably ring me back about 11pm and he can't do anything about the roof then!
All I've got to say is, it's a good job it wasn't a real emergency! It really annoys me when he doesn't have his phone with him. I think I'll have to ignore the phone if he rings after 11pm!!
Of course....we need to take care of each other.
I wouldn't answer after 11 either, that's me though, no good can come from a conversation when you're both exhausted, again my opinion.
I've tired s couple of times to get help with things, I leaky pipe in the ceiling, and a broken clothes dryer....both times he phoned our S18 and told him to fix it. There's been a few other things that our S will take on and call his dad for instructions and sometimes he's obliging and sometimes he gets a "that [censored], eh!" Wich really made me angry one time i said to S "your dad said that!!". Not a shining moment for me but i was really PO. I've started relying on my dad and brother in laws and a male tenant that lives here a few days a week......I guess they just don't care sometimes.
Hope you can figure out the leak though......can you call a repair man and send him the bill?
lol I like that one! send him the bill, good one
Unfortunately he's not got much money either. He works for himself and any money he earns goes straight onto bille, petrol, food etc. If only he'd just realise that he'd be better off living here! Well they don't do they? At the moment he's being very self centred, it's all about work. He's even cancelled on our son before now because of work.
Anyway, my problem is that I've no family living nearby that I can call on. I was going to speak to one of our neighbours as he's got a friend who's a builder. Even if it's only temporary until we can afford to get someone in to fix it.
well, worth a try! lol
I wish they all would realize that we've built our lives around supporting one family and home and it's impossible to create that in two separate places.
I would still call to get some quotes and let him know the cost of the repair to split OR he can come and do it himself. options are good, right?? Really, what other choice do you have? you cannot have a leaking roof....that will just be more of a disaster if left unattended. Maybe, you'll be really lucky and it's an easy fix....I'm crossing my fingers for you:)
I agree and thanks
I'm going to get someone round to put some tarpaulin up for me on the roof as a temporary measure. Still not heard from H, so I'm not bothering him again this week. I've just look at the text I sent him yesterday, it was very garbled and didn't even mention the water coming in lol.
You're right, maybe give it a couple of days. See if you can get it covered for now and you can feel proud you've figured this out! I'm definitely learning that things I've never had to deal with before I can deal with, not always perfect or how H would do it, but it's figured out and I did it
No more rain!! 😉
I unblocked a sink last week, I was really proud of myself
I sent him a text today as yesterday's one didn't make sense, so we'll see if he replies to it. I was hoping that I didn't have to contact him this week!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! That's fantastic.
You can say that you've kept him informed if he doesn't respond and you need to get work done. It's all you can do
I know! It's weird though how he's suddenly not responding to my messages. He always responds! Oh no! Here comes the rain again!
Could it be another stage he's going through? Withdrawal?
We need to get you instructions on a sun dance! Let me google that
Thanks Whiterose, lol. Are there stages? lol. Is that in the books? He probably is going through withdrawal, he's done this before. I an definitely NOT getting in touch with him today, I'm furious with him!
Is your H a WAS or MLC? Mine is MLC and I'm thinking stage three, replay, with a touch of stage four and five, depression and withdrawal.
My carbon monoxide detector has gone off, in the middle of them night three times now, and a friend of mine thinks it may be the hot water tank.....I don't have time, and definitely not the money, to deal with this either.......I feel your pain. I'm exhausted
You're entitled to a furious day that's for sure!
I think my H is both a WAS and a MLC if that makes sense! Definitely a MLC as he's living as if he is a teenager again.
I had an interesting talk today with a support worker. She said that maybe my H felt that I was moving on and leaving him behind when I started college and that if he didn't leave me then I would eventually leave him. The fact that I'm always out of the house and busy all the time just confirms to him that this is my intentions. It leaves me food for thought.
Whilst the support worker doesn't know about 180s, she said maybe I should tweak my life a bit. She said I should invite him out on family time, which I do but so far H has refused to come with us. She said maybe it's because it's something that I want to do rather than what he wants to do. I know we used to go to this stately home a bit when they had events on, but as I don't drive then it's hard to get there. Maybe I can come up with the excuse that there's an event happening there and I'd like to go but could he drive us there. I don't think he would just take us and then drive off.
Also I thought of spending more time in the house tidying it up and cleaning it. I'm always out doing things and the house gets neglected. I should really put some time aside each week to get on with some housework. Maybe schedule it into my diary as well.
I was talking before about tweaking my 180s and maybe this idea came along at the perfect time to do just that.
What do you think?
I was coming up on 40 and started working out and changing my hair and my business is getting busier and H used to ask who I was changing for.....I would get angry saying it was for me. I tried explaining many women do this at milestone birthdays. Huuuuuuge jelousy issues about our tentant, lives here a few days a week for work and has a wife and two kids at home and his first wife cheated and is a big sore spot for him and would NEVER cheat and H knew all this, as well as the fact i am dead set against cheating, but just would not get over it. THEN s18 got into college, husband never finished high school and he's always been upset about it, still blames his parents, and even though he signed up to get his GED and my sister, a teacher, offered to tutor him he never opened the books once. Anyway, I think that's the day the "light went out" for him. I now realize these were all depression/MLC signs that I completely missed and, I'm positive, did things to mak it worse.
Have you read the six stages of MLC here? There are also some great links that cadet posted to my posting with some great links if you wanted to read through some of those links.
I think, don't quote me, the idea of 180 is to hear what the spouse is complaining about and 180 those areas? Is the house something that bothers him? If so that may be a good place to start. Or if its you spending a lot of time doing stuff maybe finding activities around the house more? Games, gardening, etc What about you learning to drive? That's a 180 and gives you more freedom and he'll see you as making changes. Just ideas
Hi Whiterose, thanks for your advice
I will look up those threads you mentioned about MLC as I'm sure that is what my H is going through!
I'm going to work on the issues that I THINK H had a problem with - going out all the time and not doing enough around the house. I'll put aside a day that me and my son spend in the house doing housework (me obviously!) and having fun time in the afternoon
Hope you're having a great day too.
Good luck with the 180's!!!
My 180 is not to do everything material/financial from my WAW and allow her to sell the house and organise the breakup of the marital home and set the D in motion after 2 years because she tells me that I took control of everything.
My other 180 is to stop drinking because this is what caused the breakdown in the relationship. I am setting myself GAL goals that will remove the temptation to drinking.
My initial GALs are:
join AA
start yoga
continue with counselling (one session already)
do a charity parachute jump.
ALANON (Family & Friends of Alcoholics) has been a life saver for me and I know from listening to AA members that it helps. At some point see if she'll go to ALANON. Almost every S who comes to ALANON doesn't think h/s needs to be there, until h/s realizes that alcoholism is a family disease. It's a life changing experience for the entire family when the 12 step program is applied. Just like DBing, it only takes one person to make the difference.
You can change her beliefs. She'll believe what she will. If she thinks it's about winning, than she believes it's about winning. You can't change it, and you'll drive yourself nuts trying. You can "show" her by making the changes and being consistent with those changes
Doing 180s that benefit you personally, not because it's something that your W wants. Did my H want me to start doing crossword puzzles? No. Did my H want me to start lifting weights? No, he just thought I should go to the gym regularly for my health. The weight lifting benefits ME. Pick up some hobbies that scream PING1!
GAL isn't about her, it's about you. As long as you keep thinking that GAL is just for your marriage, she will think it's about winning and she'll be right.
I love this advice but I am so broken I just can't seem to see the forest for the trees. What's us a 180 for me? How do I decide? How do you find YOUR 180?
What's one thing you can do to start taking better care of yourself PureHrt? Even something small?
I feel like I'm following in some of your same footsteps! Not exactly, but close enough.
I needed to see this right now & keep hope that my H & I will take the next step in reconciliation as well... some day!
Hope things continue to improve for you!
He wants to he friends! Help... should I be a friend back? I want my husband back not a roomate/friend...
hmc,
Friends do not treat friends the way these people do. Friends to him is like friends w/benefits. He wants to come across to others as the good guy and be able to tell others that you are okay w/the way everything went down. He wants to keep the door open so that if he needs something, you'll drop what you are doing and accommodate his needs (whatever he wants or needs at the moment).
Sure, you can remain civil and/or friendly, but I hope he doesn't disappoint you w/his definition of being friends.
Something isn't clear to me. When we talk about 180, are we talking about changing personal behaviors to the opposite, or are we talking about "The 180" mentioned here?:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/If they are different it might not hurt to have a sticky in this forum explaining that because a lot of us may have come across "the 180" and think that this is what this forum is about.
Something isn't clear to me. When we talk about 180, are we talking about changing personal behaviors to the opposite, or are we talking about "The 180" mentioned here?:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/If they are different it might not hurt to have a sticky in this forum explaining that because a lot of us may have come across "the 180" and think that this is what this forum is about.
Hi 2Lady, I hope you are well.
I think they are a sticky but in newcomers under the title "Sandi's Rules".
Michele talks about the180 technique in Divorce Remedy. She describes it as doing the exact opposite of what you have been doing.
That list of points that you linked to is not in DR. I don't know if that list originated with Michele, or if it started as a reader's attempt to provide more details.
Certainly, for many of the people who come to this site, following the list is doing the opposite of what they've been doing.
I highly recommend reading Michele's books. Don't just read the forum.
2lady, did you actually read DB or DR? I know I've asked you before and it just seems like a lot of your posts ask about subjects described in detail in the books.