Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce

Hi guys,

If you have read some of my post, you already know my wife has already file for a divorce. However, I am not giving up yet.

I am reading the Divorce Remedy right now and I am at this part title: It takes one to tango.

In fact my wife have been staying with my in law since Jan 2012 till today. But from DR, I am asked not to be discourage and make the most out of the interaction we have. I would say our interaction is limited to SMS or whatsapp right now and it always the discussion of our 1 year old boy. I am also asked to feature the best possible light of myself in these communication.

As I have limited idea how to do these, I would like to seek advice here on how to do that? Hope you guys can give me more idea.

This is the exact information that your DB coach can give you. They are experts in helping you figure out the best thing to say and do when you have contact. You want to be sure that what you say and do gets a 'chink in the armor she has put up and that you don't push her any further away. There is a good deal on coaching now, so please call and I can get you in for Friday. Take care!

Hi KarenR,

I have try to call from Singapore but the number does not get through. How do I call from Singapore to Divorce Busting?

First of all, you have to stick to one thread. You keep opening up new posts and it's hard to follow you.

How much interaction do you have with your W? Going back to the original issue of you nagging her, maybe you need to learn how to show your concern a different way.

I understand that your intentions were okay, but she doesn't want to hear nagging. Have you read DR or DB? Learn to approach your W differently.

Hi MrBond,

Alright, I will stick to this thread, so sorry about that.

At the moment we have limited interaction. Once or twice a week and it is through Whatsapp or text messaging only. Discussion is always on our 1 year old boy. Example: if you bring him back in the weekend, what will you do? Remember to feed him milk and is time for him to sleep kind of things.

At this moment of time, I don't even have a chance to nag at her. I promise myself not to nag at her in future too. But the thing is our interaction is so limited and I do not know how to go on from here.

I am reading DR right now but it is hard to apply those strategy. As I read, the strategy looks to me that most of the time the trouble couple are still in contact. Things like cheerleading, focus on the problem free time etc. Without interaction, how do I proceed? I can't push the positive button when there is no interaction, even I make small changes how can she notice it?

I really hope to work towards reconciliation but I got to be enlighten somewhere. Hope you guys here can advise what should I do when I have minimum contact with her.

How often do you see your son? Is it possible for you two to do things together with him?

I only get to see my son on one day of the weekend.
She do not want face me and she do not want to do things together with me and my son. She prefer to bring our boy out herself and i take care of my boy myself.

Is it possible for you to see your son more than that? He needs a strong father figure right now. Stop feeling defenseless. Can you arrange for a 50/50 custody?

Originally Posted By: MrBond

Is it possible for you to see your son more than that? He needs a strong father figure right now. Stop feeling defenseless. Can you arrange for a 50/50 custody?

Hi MrBond,

Actually my spouse allow me to see him during the week day after office hour. That is to travel to her place and bring my boy down for a walk. The time limit is only an hour or so because by the time I off work, my boy is near sleeping time. I wish to go to her place too but my relationship with my father in law have turned sour.

I have asked her to let me bring him back on Friday night and bring him back on sat evening but she don't agree. He mention our boy is too young for me to handle alone. She do not want to come back and help up at our house too.

"I wish to go to her place too but my relationship with my father in law have turned sour."

So what? You're there to see your son. You can pick your son up and take him somewhere. It's your child, not his.

"I have asked her to let me bring him back on Friday night and bring him back on sat evening but she don't agree. He mention our boy is too young for me to handle alone."

Are you able to handle him alone? If so, then get the 50/50 time with your son. If she has an issue with it, get a lawyer involved to see what your rights are.

"She do not want to come back and help up at our house too."

That's her right. She doesn't need to help you and likewise you don't need her. Learn everything you can about parenting and children. Become the responsible parent.

Be the man that you want your son to become. Don't live in fear of your W.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

"I wish to go to her place too but my relationship with my father in law have turned sour."

So what? You're there to see your son. You can pick your son up and take him somewhere. It's your child, not his.

"I have asked her to let me bring him back on Friday night and bring him back on sat evening but she don't agree. He mention our boy is too young for me to handle alone."

Are you able to handle him alone? If so, then get the 50/50 time with your son. If she has an issue with it, get a lawyer involved to see what your rights are.

"She do not want to come back and help up at our house too."

That's her right. She doesn't need to help you and likewise you don't need her. Learn everything you can about parenting and children. Become the responsible parent.

Be the man that you want your son to become. Don't live in fear of your W.

But I am working towards reconcile. Does those thing you mention above help?

Those are only suggestions. But what will help is you stop being afraid of your W and start doing something.

You have to take control back. That's not to say you have to be mean or forceful, but you have to start establishing something to get your life back in order.

You can start by spending more time with your son. It doesn't matter if your W doesn't think you can take care of him. If you know and think you can, then do it. He's your son too. Not just hers.

So the strategy here is still try to be the best dad possible for Gareth.
How long do I have to do that and what are the sign I have to look out for to a possibility of reconciliation?

There is no real strategy. Only steps that you take that might get you to reconcile your M. Start by seeing your son more often.

You have to be very patient. It will take time. Did you really read DR? I know you want the quick version, but it doesn't work that way.

Yes I do read DR but I really don't know how to apply lot of strategy.
Doing LRT seem impossible because I have a boy that I would like to see.

Doing a 180 will never works again my wife stubborn head.

Do nothing? Easier done than said?

I just don't know where to start.

Originally Posted By: Use to be

So the strategy here is still try to be the best dad possible for Gareth.

if you want to call that a "strategy" for the purpose of this site, okay.

But I would hope being the best dad possible is actually a goal of yours in life.

That means spending time with him and learning to care for him WITHOUT his mother around. Surely you can learn to do that. You have to.

It is a turn on for a woman to see her child loved by his father, playing and interacting lovingly together.

IT's a turn on to see the father ENJOYING the company of their child, not just to "get her back" but b/c you want to be a loving father who enjoys time with his son

and b/c you want your son to know you, and to enjoy being around you...

So please don't let this just be a "tactic" to get her back. Then it isn't real and it won't last and she won't believe in the change.

She will sense it's just a "strategy"...and not a real change you are making b/c you want to become the best man you can become...

this is the time for you to

become a man only a fool would leave.

How long do I have to do that

the rest of your life.

Embrace the chance you have to become a good father and a more involved dad. And a good partner as a co=parent. Some men never get the chance.

and what are the sign I have to look out for to a possibility of reconciliation?

You may not get any. It may not happen. Worst case scenario you will simply become a much better father and partner for the future...
But I'm betting if you change, your wife is going to want to trust those changes b/c she would prefer having an intact family

but she will fear that the changes are just "strategies"...so it will take time. Be patient. Much more patient than you are being now.

So you first set some short terms goals. For instance, get way more time with your son. Bond is right. Stop acting helpless about this. You have rights as his father...assert them. You don't have to "ask HER" for more time, you are probably entitled to half time with him although I don't pretend to Know the law in Singapore.

Getting more time with your son won't make her mad

unless she thinks you are trying to take the boy away from her. Reassure her that you are not doing that.

But just wanting more than ONE day a week w/him, is going to show her that you are man enough to provide LOVE & ATTENTION for your son...you want to BOND with him and now is the time.

Show her that you are the kind of man who cares about being a good father-

not just writing a check once a month, but really helping to raise your son...

As long as she's not threatened, I would bet It's a turn ON for her to see you make an effort with the boy...

the next goal might be to increase HER ability to relax around you.

Start by NOT bringing up the relationship at all...OR the divorce. Try to be upbeat and light hearted. Maybe joke if that seems natural to you or talk about people she knows and cares about. Ask her open ended questions if you cannot think of something to say. (Open ended means not 'yes no' questions but more about how she feels or what she thinks about something).

Do not take the temperature of the relationship. leave that topic alone.

Learn to enjoy your son and let her see that. Then maybe you two can learn to enjoy him together.

You may end up inviting her to share some of YOUR "DAD time" w/her once you are comfortable enough with him alone, so that she won't be tempted to take over when she's there.

Ideally, you and your son may get used to the two of you going to the park and pushing him on a swing or eating breakfast at a child friendly place on the weekend...something just YOU TWO DO...and

then you might send her a picture of him having fun "just b/c you thought she'd like to see it"

So, NO PRESSURE there, just sharing the joy of having a child together.

Let her learn to be comfortable around you so that she does not flee when you are around.

That alone will be a sign of her warming up. It does NOT mean you act on it but at least it's a start for you.

Then we can work from there once you have established some sort of friendship with her. You can build on that.

What were you like when you two fell in love? Can you be more like that guy again?

And although I have not read your other threads, it's good to stay on just one so we have all the information in one place.

For instance, just reading HERE

I don't know what she has SAID bothered her in the marriage, or what she wants YOU to change. But thanks to Bond's comments,

I know she mentioned that she says you nag too much.

Okay so now you are not to give her ANY feedback unless it's positive.

Thank for her for every single thing she does or says that is positive. Yes, every single thing.

If she picks boy up on time, you thank her. If she offers you something, or gives you something, you thank her.

If she looks nice or healthy or has a new flattering outfit, you compliment her.

Do you know about a book called "The Five Love Languages"? It's a great book I suggest everyone read but read it AFTER you have read the divorce Remedy book

then read the one on Five Love Languages so you know how to "reach" your wife.

But please read the Divorce Remedy book. There are no "tricks" in it, but there is a lot of specific advice about how to behave in a new way to get your wife to believe marriage can be better with you.

And THIS SITE and the jargon we use here, will make much more sense to you after you have read the book.

Finally, please Understand this...

if she does not believe that marriage to you can be better/different

then she won't want to reconcile.

So YOU must show her that it can be better/different by

showing her that YOU can change.

Do the opposite of what you do that bothers her. (those are the "180s")

That's why I said instead of nagging her (which is a form of criticism)

you are to do the opposite which is to compliment her....it's the opposite of the trait she dislikes.

This way, you will contrast the bad things she believes w/positive things and you will undermine her negative images, and replace those bad images with positive ones.

Make sense?

This is all new to you so it's too early to give up of course.

Consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Hi 25yearsmlc

Thank you very much for your advise and I do appreciate because you reply do lead me somewhere.

But I have to let you all know this, I love my son and I am doing everything possible for him. I bring him to playground, buy him toys and t-shirt. I teach him read books. All these will never be done if I am using this only as a strategy. And because of my love to him, I am hoping her mother will be back too so we can have a family together.

Here is part of our problem which lead to why she want a divorce. In fact she did mention that she is like a single mum when we are together. I did not hear her complaint that time and I thought she have been doing well looking after our boy. Only to know that one of her reason for divorce is i have not been responsible for the kid.

Now the tricky part is my wife has since move out to in law place and my boy is there and been taken care of by my mother in law. And since she is not open up, i don't think she will see what I do and the hope of reconiliation is so limited.

Hope I can receive more advise from you, thank you

Hi, I just have a chat with my spouse through whatsapp. Below is our communication details

Me: I miss GR (our son) can I go over to see him later.

Spouse: u call my home first to see if they're around.

Me: .... Think i will go another day in that case

Spouse: u want me to help u call them?

Me: idk

Spouse: what do you want?

Me: I want to see him but i don't know what to do (I have a conflict with father in law)

Spouse: u need me to call home to see if they are home?

Me: never mind, I am not ready too.

Spouse: I am sorry. I know GR needs me and I miss him lot. But I dont know what to do.

............after a while..............

Me: I go town buy book or toys for him.

............few hours later..........

Me: Bought this toy giraffe for our son today ( I send her the picture)

Spouse: she send me a picture of a baby chair bought from ikea.

Me: from ikea? Be careful idea thing sometime not stable.

Spouse: we will always supervise him.

Me: ya be careful.

Me: I am thinking of buying him a playground toy from toys r us ( include picture), what do u think?

Spouse: this can be rent.

Me: I want to buy him as a gift. You think I should not buy?

Spouse: rent will be more practical. It takes up space. U going to bring it back to bedok in future (she is referring to after we divorce, we have to sell our house away. So I will be going back to my parent place to stay which is at bedok)

Me: I will buy our house down. In future GR will still be playing here.

Spouse: u got to also buy out what I have paid for the house for the past few years.

Me: we talk about that later, lawyer will settle it for us.

Me: I have one more thing that need to be discuss. By discuss we mean come to term and not argue. Hope you can respect. Do you want to discuss?

Spouse: go ahead

Me: I talk to my counsellor today. It abt this coming public holiday. When I am at your place yesterday, I was immediately being told GR will be going out that day to meet your relative.

Me: now the counsellor say what GR need is the bonding of his parent and he ask me to discuss with you what is right. He got no answer for that' and asked us to discuss.

So from my understanding, he is saying GR us spending less time with parent, dont you think that is the best time for him to be with either parent instead of meeting others?

Spouse: yup he will be with me the whole day

Me: ok

Me: I will get the playground once I get my pay. I am thinking of making one of the room here into his playground. He can at least enjoy until 6-7 years old

......... She did not continue the chat after this..........

So guy, from our chat what do you all see. Please enlighten me, thanks

I see that you're letting your W do whatever she wants and leaving you in the dirt.

Stop asking her what you should or should not do. You are the man in the relationship. If you have a problem with her parents, then speak up to them. Don't let that interfere with your relationship with your W.

Again, you need to take control of things and stop asking others on what you should or shouldn't do. Especially your W. Again he is your son, MAKE IT A POINT TO SEE HIM. If you disagree with what your W says, then speak up.

Mrbond,

Tks for your advice.

My spouse is someone who don't like people to be to harsh with her. That is part of the reason she cannot take it anymore and want a divorce.

About her parent, I have sit down and talk to him last Sunday. Even things have been said, I don't think it can be settle. That is not to my concern. I am working to reconcile my wife not them

"My spouse is someone who don't like people to be to harsh with her. "

No one said you had to be harsh with her. However you cannot let her dictate everything in your life. YOU don't ask for her permission to do something if you feel strongly about it. You don't yell or argue, you just say "this is what I am going to do..." and do it.

Like if you want to take your son out and your in-laws say 'no', then talk to a L to see what your rights are and do it.

"I am working to reconcile my wife not them"

This is true, however she will be getting advice from them and if they have an issue with you, they will go against you. You can talk to them and tell them, "I respect you as the parents of my W and the grandparents of my son. This is what I am going to do ..." "I'm sorry if you feel uncomfortable about this, I do also. Right now I have to do what is right for me and my son."

And that's it.

Hi MrBond,

Actually my text message with my spouse is a discussion. So from the discussion I am asking for respect for each other point of view.

As for the in law side, father in law is not open. He pushes blame on me. He even go to that extend to say I am like a mad dog. He himself is a barbarian without he himself noticing it.

One problem with my spouse is she never want to hear people advise. But that man always want to get involve and make things worst

by the way, I have texted her a message this morning at 5.31am (singapore time)

I am using this strategy, use the medium as message

my text message said:

"i hope you can give our relationship one more chance. Really hope we can go counseling together. I want to rebuild the relationship slowly but surely until you find both of us connected again. Love is sweeter the second time around. Look at the toy bear family I bought for GR, a family should be happy together."

She did not reply me.

Do you guys think i have done the correct thing?

I am planning to make breakfast for her and bring it to her office in the morning. She know I do not know how to cook so I will be learning how to and cook for her soon. What do you guys think?

"So from the discussion I am asking for respect for each other point of view."

You don't ask for someone's respect. They give it to you freely. Show her that you are a man who deserves respect. Don't ask again.

"As for the in law side, father in law is not open. He pushes blame on me. He even go to that extend to say I am like a mad dog."

Did he always feel that way about you? Did you do anything that made him feel that way?

"But that man always want to get involve and make things worst"

He's doing what he feels is right to protect his daughter.

"Do you guys think i have done the correct thing?"

NO. That was a terrible text to send her. You have to understand that you cannot get her to come back by making her feel guilty.

"I am planning to make breakfast for her and bring it to her office in the morning. She know I do not know how to cook so I will be learning how to and cook for her soon. What do you guys think?"

Another terrible idea. DON'T DO IT! You can't get her back by continuing to suck up to her. I think I've mentioned to you that you need to concentrate on your son first. But you haven't done that at all. Calm down and relax.

Concentrate on my son just does not works
During our chat yesterday she mention the house will be sold. I really do not want that to happen.

And if I want to concentrate on my son, i have limited time only

during the initial stage of the break up, I do bring a mcdonald burger down to her work place and I can sense she is touch. But she is trying to avoid me. She call her parent and ask when did they bring GR to? Then ask me to join them. But I do see smile on her face that time. I ask her when will you come home, her reply was i don't know yet.

I should have continue from there, but I never.

"Concentrate on my son just does not works"

First of all, you haven't even tried yet. We only recommended that you do this a couple of days ago and you haven't done it. Calm down.

Tell her that you will be taking care of your son on certain days and then stick with it. If she gives you a hard time, then speak to a L. She can't withhold your son from you.

"During our chat yesterday she mention the house will be sold."

These are only words. DON'T BE AFRAID OF WORDS AND THREATS.

"I really do not want that to happen."

Understand that it's what she wants to happen. It doesn't mean that you have to let her do it. Just validate her feeling that way and then don't bring it up.

"And if I want to concentrate on my son, i have limited time only"

Again, you have to start demanding more time. Come up with a schedule and give it to her. You're concentrating too much on how to get her back. Follow the steps first and be patient. Do something that will help calm you down. Meditate, do tai chi, anything to calm you down.

I still don't recommend getting her food. It usually makes the situation worse. In fact, one of the issues she had about you was that you were too pushy and overbearing. You're still acting that way.

When you were dating, how did you act around her? What did you do?

We meet each other online and started off as friend.

We chatted almost everyday. I do not know why but I always have things to talk to her. I made her laugh with little joke.

She was studying during that time so occassionally, I will wait for her outside the school and drive her home after that. She was not my Girlfriend yet during that time. But one day I tell myself I like this girl so i started off by buying her a bouquet of rose. I ask her whether she want to me my girl but she disagree. However she told me she like the flower.

I never give up of course and I have always asked her out. She told me she is thinking of cycling so I rented a bicycle and we went cycling together. we go for normal dating activites untill one day she finally accept me as her boyfriend.

During that time we do have argument about our different but our love did not break us off. I really do not know am I really that hard a person to be with? how can that be?

I would say I am someone who dont socialise and of course I seldom eat with colleague. So during lunch time, I will normally text her and chat. I told her colleague was never close to me and her reply during that time is I promise you, me and GR will never left you. But she left me.

MrBond, are you a counselor yourself or therapist that help in marriage? If you say I am pushy by making breakfast for her, can I don't do it so often? I really miss her and really hope the smile she gave me all the while. That was the smile which first attracted me to her.

MrBond,

By the way, my counselor has asked me to do the samething too. Be the best father to GR. I do it wholeheartedly because he is my son and not for the reason to want my wife back. But you know, everytime I bring GR back to her place my heart is aching. Everytime at her door step, tears drop and my 1 yr old boy does not know anything. I have been doing this since my first counselling session. I bring my boy back to our house once a week since 31 Mar.

But it does not seem to be working.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

"Concentrate on my son just does not works"

First of all, you haven't even tried yet. We only recommended that you do this a couple of days ago and you haven't done it. Calm down.

Tell her that you will be taking care of your son on certain days and then stick with it. If she gives you a hard time, then speak to a L. She can't withhold your son from you.

"During our chat yesterday she mention the house will be sold."

These are only words. DON'T BE AFRAID OF WORDS AND THREATS.

"I really do not want that to happen."

Understand that it's what she wants to happen. It doesn't mean that you have to let her do it. Just validate her feeling that way and then don't bring it up.

"And if I want to concentrate on my son, i have limited time only"

Again, you have to start demanding more time. Come up with a schedule and give it to her. You're concentrating too much on how to get her back. Follow the steps first and be patient. Do something that will help calm you down. Meditate, do tai chi, anything to calm you down.

And if these does not work, what do you guys think about this idea.

I am planning to engage a designer to design my boy's room. I would like to get my spouse involve. Do you think that is possible?

"I bring my boy back to our house once a week since 31 Mar.

But it does not seem to be working."

Stop doing it to get your W back. Start being a good dad and just concentrate on him. You need to get your mind off your W right now.

"And if these does not work, what do you guys think about this idea."

Stop and don't do any of those other ideas. They are terrible.

"I am planning to engage a designer to design my boy's room."

That's fine but only do it because you want to do something for your son. NOT because you want your W back. I don't think you get it. You cannot get your W back in all of those ways that you described. It will be worse.

If you want to do the room for your son. Fine, but DO NOT involve your W.

I have a talk with my wife yesterday because my lawyer ask me to do so. My lawyer tell me to tell her

"I would like to keep our family intact and so I have to take certain steps in court that will keep that possibility alive"

But she was so depress and she told me do you know that I am so scare of you? Even when I hear a car reverse parking sound, i will rush out to the window to see is it you who are here. Even I saw a red Honda Car, I really afraid that it is you.

I really do not know what I have done to make her so scare of me.

In my opinion that was a terrible thing to bring up to your W. Your L was totally wrong. It sounds like a threat. That's why she sounds afraid.

"I really do not know what I have done to make her so scare of me."

It could be because you're pushing yourself onto her so much. many of the people who walk away from their marriages will say that they were "afraid" of their spouses. What they're afraid of is their own actions, but they don't want to admit it to themselves.

That's why I've been saying you have to be a good dad and take care of your son first. If you can SHOW her that you can do that, maybe she'll start trusting you again.

MrBond,

I am so lost, I am really alone doing this battle and it seem to be a losing battle

"it seem to be a losing battle"

It's because YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. You are still scared and thinking every little thing is going to hopefully turn your W around. It doesn't work that way. Take a deep breath and follow the advice given here.

So what do you plan to do? Write out a list and post it here.

What changes have you made in your life? Write them here and we'll evaluate. It's the only way you have a choice of getting your W back.

But MrBond,

She told me yesterday don't make use of our boy. I am so disappointed. I love him wholeheartedly and she see it otherwise.

Yes I do hope she will be back too but my love to our boy is real. I told her yesterday that she have given me such a wonderful boy but she told me, no she is giving herself a wonderful boy.

MrBond would you be able to help? But I need to let you know, my spouse is someone who can't accept method that is too mean/haste

Talk to your L about what you can do to get more time with your son. Afterwards, tell your W that you are entitled to equal time with your son and it is illegal for her to keep him hostage. And that you don't want to get lawyers involved but will do so if she refuses to let you see your son.

Fight for your son.

Don't say it in an angry way, but in a 'matter of fact' kind of way. Be sure you talk to your L first so she doesn't accuse you of making things up. If she gives you a hard time, get legal representation.

Do you have family that can give you support right now? Brothers sisters mom or dad?

Originally Posted By: MrBond

So what do you plan to do? Write out a list and post it here.

What changes have you made in your life? Write them here and we'll evaluate. It's the only way you have a choice of getting your W back.

MrBond,

I will do these after i think through. Hope you can guide me along.

Hi, I just text my W. Maybe you can help me to evaluate

Me: Hi, If i want to see GR now over FaceTime possible? I am not able to go to your house because I am busy recently.

Spouse: Now? I am at work

Me: Actually I add your apple ID will do, so if your mum pick up the iPad and click facetime I can see him.

Spouse: You call my house to see if she know

Me: Is your apple id XXXXXX@gmail.com

Spouse: I never sync my apple id with iPad cos that iPad is a shared one, not mine.

Me: in that case can use your Iphone to facetime tonight when you are home?

Spouse: Maybe you go my house visit him?

Me: I am not able to go as I am busy with work. I also do not want to stay home alone for so many hours. You can't facetime?

Spouse: Don't think so as I am busy

Me: don't have to be today. Other day also can. Is that possible?

Spouse: See how

Me: ok

Me: U will not go watch Avengers with me right? (She promised to go with me before the break up)

Me: it ok if you don't want to. I am just asking to see is it possible

Spouse: Sorry not convenient, enjoy your movie

Me: thanks for your reply.

*Does she somehow soften her heart when she talk this way?

MrBond,

I don't have any idea what to do because you told me not to cook for her. But I do hope she can eat what I cook for her and I am thinking of getting someone to deliver it over since she do not want to see me.

I am hoping that she can go out with me soon. Because I miss her very much. I wish it could be like last time where the 3 of us go out together and I miss those days. My boy is growing up everyday and i am missing all those opportunity to be with her and my boy.

After changes, I tell myself not to nag anymore. I tell myself to give her the space she want. And I promise to help her up with housework if she will to come home.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

So what do you plan to do? Write out a list and post it here.

What changes have you made in your life? Write them here and we'll evaluate. It's the only way you have a choice of getting your W back.

"*Does she somehow soften her heart when she talk this way?"

No. Re-read your conversation. It's totally selfish. You are only thinking about what you want. The key is to really understand what SHE wants. BUT in the position you are in, you can't and she doesn't want you to give it to her. Which is why she's asking for space. I repeat...SPACE.

You can't give her space if you keep saying you're going to cook for her or bring her gifts. Act like the man you were when you first went out with her.

She even told you to take care of dealing with her parents yourself, but you didn't want to. Basically because you're scared of her parents and what they might do. Again, stop being scared. If you want to talk to your son on Facetime, do it. Talk to her parents. Leave her out of it. Tell her to tell her parents that you will be calling and that's it. Don't add so much detail.

"I am thinking of getting someone to deliver it over since she do not want to see me.:

NO! She doesn't want to see you, or hear from you, or even deal with you. She wants SPACE! Which means you completely leave her alone unless there is an issue that has to deal with your son.

"I am hoping that she can go out with me soon. Because I miss her very much. "

See how selfish this sounds? That's what YOU want. She doesn't. You have to understand this in order to come up with a plan.

"And I promise to help her up with housework if she will to come home."

No. You should have said "I promise to help her with housework." Period. No "if she will come home". That part is selfish.

You have to stop being selfish and become selfless if you want your W back. What if she has a boyfriend now? It's a possibility. The point is that you have to see that she doesn't want another whiny and complaining child which is how you're acting. She wants a man she can depend on and who can take charge without him needing to ask her what to do.

Right now you're not that man.

How about this. Tomorrow, just tell her that you want to Facetime your son so she needs to tell her parents that you will be calling them. Then call them and talk to your son.

Say things nicely and afterwards just hang up.

Next come up with a definite plan that lists when you will be seeing your son and give it to her. Just tell her (and this is important)... "These are the days I am planning to see GR. It's important for him to have a mother and father in his life and I plan to be the best one for him whether you are there or not." A

And that's it! Don't add anything else. Don't do anything else for her, just follow what I wrote. You can do it.

Hi MrBond,

Actually I don't get it. Why it seem like to win back my wife, I have to completely leave?

Another thing is, it difficult for me to see GR now because everything I do, her dad is thinking of me negatively. He is always giving her negative input.

"Why it seem like to win back my wife, I have to completely leave?"

1) Because she has told you time and time again that she want space. That means she doesn't want to see you.

2) You will never completely not be in contact with her because you have to communicate with her about your son. So if you show her how good of a father you are (without actually telling her you're a good father) she may see you in a better way. You can talk with her when you're with your son and slowly make your back in that way.

Go back and read DR again. Drill it into your head. How old are you and your W anyway?

"it difficult for me to see GR now because everything I do, her dad is thinking of me negatively. He is always giving her negative input."

Who's son is it? Yours or her father's? YOU ARE THE FATHER! Start acting like it and arrange to spend time with him. Forget about what her father will or will not say.

Let's face it, you've barely even tried. You think that everything has to be a strategy. But you're thinking so much that you end up not doing anything.

Stop thinking about trying to get your W back for now and concentrate on spending more time with your son. Your W will come around when she sees that you aren't paying her anymore attention. That's the way it works. When you don't pay attention to someone, they start paying attention to you. I don't know how much easier to put it to you.

Start doing something.

1) I really hope I can do it to give her space. I am forcing myself to do it.

2) I have always being good to GR, but she can't see it because I am always with GR alone. U may said I am using this as a strategy again. Maybe of the hope I am hoping for I still think of it as strategy but my love to my boy is real. How can she feel or see it if she wasn't around?

3) Arrange time with him is always what I want but my wife is always saying our boy is too young and I can't handle it. If I were to argue further, this make it worst. His dad can still tell me story of how his colleague son die because the father did not know how to take care of him. He always giving negative input to my spouse. Do you understand my difficulties?

4) When you don't pay attention to someone, they start paying attention to you.
It this really true?

Originally Posted By: MrBond

"Why it seem like to win back my wife, I have to completely leave?"

1) Because she has told you time and time again that she want space. That means she doesn't want to see you.

2) You will never completely not be in contact with her because you have to communicate with her about your son. So if you show her how good of a father you are (without actually telling her you're a good father) she may see you in a better way. You can talk with her when you're with your son and slowly make your back in that way.

Go back and read DR again. Drill it into your head. How old are you and your W anyway?

"it difficult for me to see GR now because everything I do, her dad is thinking of me negatively. He is always giving her negative input."

Who's son is it? Yours or her father's? YOU ARE THE FATHER! Start acting like it and arrange to spend time with him. Forget about what her father will or will not say.

Let's face it, you've barely even tried. You think that everything has to be a strategy. But you're thinking so much that you end up not doing anything.

Stop thinking about trying to get your W back for now and concentrate on spending more time with your son. Your W will come around when she sees that you aren't paying her anymore attention. That's the way it works. When you don't pay attention to someone, they start paying attention to you. I don't know how much easier to put it to you.

Start doing something.

1) I really hope I can do it to give her space. I am forcing myself to do it.

Good.

2) I have always being good to GR, but she can't see it because I am always with GR alone. U may said I am using this as a strategy again. Maybe of the hope I am hoping for I still think of it as strategy but my love to my boy is real. How can she feel or see it if she wasn't around?

This is where you are getting mixed up. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO SEE YOU BE A GOOD FATHER. JUST BE A GOOD FATHER. The love for your boy is real. That's good. You do this for yourself, she doesn't need to see it.

3) Arrange time with him is always what I want but my wife is always saying our boy is too young and I can't handle it. If I were to argue further, this make it worst. His dad can still tell me story of how his colleague son die because the father did not know how to take care of him. He always giving negative input to my spouse. Do you understand my difficulties?

Honestly I'm getting a little tired telling you this. Don't argue. Find out what your rights are and arrange the time to see your son. It doesn't matter what your father in law says. That's YOUR son NOT HIS!

My W took my kids when the youngest was barely one year old. I fought for them and now I'm the best dad around. Fight for your son. Don't do it to try and get your W back.

4) When you don't pay attention to someone, they start paying attention to you.
It this really true?

Your W isn't paying attention to you and now you're suddenly paying her alot of attention. You ignored her before and she tried to get your attention. You tell me if it's true. Seems like it is.

Listen, I will say this one more time. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE.

1) You have to change the behaviors that your W didn't like.

2) You have to stop being scared. It shows your lack of self-esteem. Be confident in yourself. It doesn't matter what others think (especially your Father In Law).

3) You have to learn patience and do things with a cool head. How old are you and your wife? It sounds like you're very young and a little immature at this. But that's okay. You can learn.

4) Do the right thing for your son. Be the man that you want your son to look up to. Do you want your son to see his father be afraid of his father in law?

I think you said that you are in Singapore. Are you Chinese? Did you ever see the movie "Once Upon a Time in China"? In the movie, Jet Li is the man of honesty and is always doing the right thing even though others were making fun of him. He knew that you couldn't change people from just talking. You have to act and be the good man. And he had alot of patience. You have to be that man.

Point 3) Are you a divorce too? How does your kids cope with it? I hope they finally get their mum and dad back together.

point 4)I ignore her before? When did I did it?

By the way I am 34 and my wife is 27 this year.

No I'm not divorced. Currently we are separated and we haven't reconciled yet. Thank you.

When you ordered her around and didn't think about her feelings. She tried talking to you about it and you didn't listen. So again, you ignored her and she tried getting your attention.

Thank you for your ages.

Sorry, this point I am not very sure. I order her around? Do you have an example?

"My spouse is someone who don't like people to be to harsh with her. That is part of the reason she cannot take it anymore and want a divorce."

This is what you said before. So were you too harsh with her? You also said that she told you she was afraid of you. It might not be true, but in her mind it is true.

Sorry MrBond maybe I am slow but what does these 2 point got to do with

when you don't pay attention to someone, they start paying attention to you?

You asked for examples of how you ordered her around. That's what I gave you.

I told you already about the paying attention part.

Here is your example: your wife is not paying attention to you so now you started paying attention to her. See?

Here is another example:
You ignored your wife and her needs before and if you look back, you ignored them. She told you about how she needed more help with your son before she said she wanted a divorce, but you ignored her. See? You stopped paying attention to her, so she paid more attention to you.

ANYWAY! It's just simple psychology and I'm not going to keep giving you examples.

The question is: Are you going to start doing what I and others have suggested? And, no I am not going to repeat myself again. You're going to have to read through what was posted before and truly understand.

You have to change before your wife can even think of coming back. It doesn't matter if she is there to see them or not. You make these changes for yourself. She will see those changes later.

But don't make changes and tell your wife "see I'm changing!" Because that's what you're doing and they are driving your wife away.

So what steps are you going to take next?

Steps?

Whenever i want to stop asking her to come back, I did it again.
I can't control myself.

Today even I know i should not do it, I text her during our conversion for her to give me a chance to date her again.

her reply, I am sorry but u have to find the courage to move on as this is something beyond anyone. I advise u to stop dweling as it do nobody any good

I see. So you want to give up?

YOu enjoy letting your wife do whatever she wants?

MrBond,

Today my boss told me I don't suit the job I am currently working as. She ask me whether I want to change my job. She know my family problem since Jan 2012 but she let me hold on to the job till today.

I am losing everything where I once have.

See? You are letting your wife affect everything you're doing. And it's not her fault. It's yours. You are allowing it to affect you.

That's why I say that you have to concentrate on something other than your wife. You can't keep coming up with schemes or plans to try and get her back. You must concentrate on your life now.

Without her in life, I can't be the person I used to be

Ok you have to stop thinking like that. I understand the depression and how you feel hopeless. But you have to shake that off.

How did you survive before you met your wife? And besides, your son needs you. Have you started doing any of the things I suggested? It's the only way you're going to get normal.

MrBond, really thanks you for your continue encouragement. I try to do what you ask me to do but I am never able to do everything. I see she is getting further and further away. When I lost my job last time, she give me support to look for a new job. But when I told her yesterday, she told me she is busy can't talk on the phone.

I fail and I do not know how to move on.

"I fail and I do not know how to move on."

Go back and read my last post. That's how you move on.

Do you want your son to remember you as helpless and cannot make decisions? Do you want your son to be raised by your father in law?

If you don't, then start doing something about i.

MrBond,

I think through over the weekend and see what you have wrote here, I do not want to give up. I do not want my son to be raised by the in law. (He is going to die in next 15 to 20 years time too so I could not be bother)

Now I want to go step by step into Michele DR.
I am at this stage of "Know what you want". So the goals must be solution oriented.

so this is my initial goals.

1. I want my wife to stay married
2. I want a better commumication between us
3. I want the family to be back again

In my situation, I do not know how to break this down into something that can be achievable within week or two. I need some guidance here.

Go back and read my posts. It details step by step what you need to do. What else do you need to know? It's time for you to stop running around and start concentrating.

But your post is asking me to work on my child.

I am asking guidance for my goals.
Or is there anyone here who can advice me?

In all my years of helping people here, I have NEVER met anyone as stubborn as you.

I'll say it again! If you work on getting your child back and being a good father, it will help you to get your wife back.

YOU CANNOT DO ANYTHING DIRECTLY TO YOUR WIFE TO GET HER BACK!

Show her that you have changed (And stop telling me that she can't see your changes!) by just being a good dad first and standing up for yourself.

Here is the hard reality. YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A WEAK, PUNY MAN AND SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU! WHAT SHE WANTS IS A STRONG DECISIVE FATHER WHO CAN LEAD!

Right now you are not like that but you can change into it. I have told you time and time again what to do, but you refuse to listen!

There are NO FAST WAYS TO GET YOUR WIFE BACK! You have to take things one step at a time.

STOP ASKING QUESTIONS AND JUST DO WHAT IS SUGGESTED! You haven't tried anything I've suggested, that's why you are in bad shape.

So the question is, are you going to start listening or are you going to keep losing your wife? The choice is yours.

Oh and by the way, everyone on this website will tell you the EXACT SAME THING!

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you really aren't understanding. That's okay. How about just doing it and then understanding later.

MrBond, it will be unfair for you to call me a stubborn and as you already know I am actually working on my child as what you and my counsellor in Singapore have suggested. In fact working on the child is not a strategy but necessary as my boy need a dad. I have love him wholeheartedly.

Now, the problem is I understand I CANNOT DO ANYTHING DIRECTLY TO GET MY WIFE BACK. So I am reading the DR to follow the step inside slowly. I am just asking for a suggestion about my goals, is there anything wrong in it?

DR has worked for many couple in the past and I am at the beginning state looking for help, isn't that what this forum is support to do? I don't understand why you keep thinking I am not working on the child as I have already done it. What I want to do next is follow DR method to save my marriage and I am here to ask for suggestion.

By the way, as I mentioned working on my boy I am doing it now and will continue doing it. And I understand it.

But I am seeking help on DIvorce remedy steps. That is the part on goal setting. Isn't this the forum to discuss when I face difficulties?

Originally Posted By: MrBond

Oh and by the way, everyone on this website will tell you the EXACT SAME THING!

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you really aren't understanding. That's okay. How about just doing it and then understanding later.

I think calling you stubborn is very appropriate because you want a quick list of things to do to get your wife back quickly. You have to understand that it will take alot of time and patience to do this.

I don't know how many times I can say this to you. You start being a good father and show your wife you are responsible and that will bring her back.

What you're looking for is someone telling you exactly what to do. No one can do that! Every situation is different but the thing that they all have in common is that you have to back off from your wife and give her space!

Okay, you want steps? Here they are:

1) Leave your wife alone
2) Start spending time with your son ALONE.
3) Write a list of all the things that your wife complained about you. A detailed list.
4) Then write a list of all the things that you will do to correct those things your wife complained about.
5) Get a new haircut and a change in clothes. You have to change both outside and inside.
6) While you are making your changes, don't tell your wife you are making these changes. These changes have to be for yourself. If you keep telling her you're changing and expecting her to notice, she won't believe that your changes are real.

So first things first.

Write your list here. What did your wife complain about you? Make it as detailed as possible.

Next, tell me exactly what you've done to spend more time with your son.

Then write down exactly what your latest interaction has been with your wife.

I really am trying to help you and if you haven't noticed, I think the other people who are on here are scared to answer you because you have to do what we suggest even though you don't understand it.

MrBond, thanks. I know that you are helping and that is why I am still in this thread.

As you have mentioned, she need space. I will try not to beg, plead, encourage talk to about our relationship anymore. I really need lot of support to do this.

Also thanks for giving me those "Steps" below are my reply.

1)I will try to leave her alone.

2)I am spending time with my boy during one of the weekend. I still can't do it alone because she don't allow me yet. She only let me bring him back when my mum accompany me.

3)Below is the list of her complaints about me
-She told me I am always nagging at her for her Job and don't allow her to work late.

-She say she was not even allow to watch VCD because I am always seeking for her attention.

-She complain that I don't allow her to go out with colleagues.

-She told me she feel like a single parent.

-She complain that I let her do most of the thing. Example keep track of our bills (I settle by paying some of it)

below are the complaints I got to know when she file for a divorce.

a) The plaintiff avers that the defendant's unreasonable behaviour began after the child of the marriage was born, in Feb 2011. The defendant failed and/or neglected to look after or be involved in the daily life of the child of the marriage, GR. He would not wake up for any of the night feeds and hardly paid attention to the needs of the child. The plaintiff avers that she alone manages the needs of the child including overseeing the child's medical appointments, health and general well being.

b) The plaintiff also avers that the defendant frequently priorities his own needs over the child's. The defendant refuses to wake earlier in the morning to look after the child and becomes upset when the child's crying wakes him from his sleep. This has caused the plaintiff much unhappiness as the defendant refuses to share the responsibility of looking after the child with her and she is left to look after the child without any support from the defendant.

c) There were also numerous disagreements between the plaintiff and the defendant over how the child should be cared for and the management of the household. In particular, the plaintiff and the defendant are unable to agree on the division of household chores, the frequency and method in which certain household chores should be done and the manner in which the child should be raised.

d) when the plaintiff return to work on 28 May 2011 after her maternity leave, the defendant would frequently scold the plaintiff for not spending enough time with him and he began to demand for more attention from the plaintiff,despite the fact that she had to look after a newborn baby while managing a heavy workload. The defendant would also frequently berate the plaintiff for not spending as much time with him as she did before the child was born.

e) The defendant would require the plaintiff keep herself free over the weekend to spend time with him. While the plaintiff acceded to the defendant's requests and keep herself available to spend time with the defendant over the weekend, the defendant would prefer to engage in his own activities such as watching soccer matches, surfing the internet or playing soccer on Saturady instead of spending time with the plaintiff.

f)The defendant would be unhappy when the plaintiff wanted to meet with her own friends once a month or so. He would become overly suspicious and require the names of the friends the plaintiff was meeting. the defendant would also demand that the plaintiff promise to return home early. Further, the defendant would be unhappy when the plaintiff spent time at work or with her colleagues.

To me, there are many misunderstanding above but I don't think I should discuss it here anymore since according to DR, I have to make changes so I will not argue on the above point.

4) As for the list I will have done:

- If she were to come back, the first 3 point on the list I will stop the nagging at her job. I may even make her hot beverage if she were to work late. She can go out with her colleague as long as she let me know that she is safe and she can watch all the VCD she want. I may even accompany her to watch certain show.

- on the part when she feel like a single parent. I am not involve previously for certain reason. But I know I am able to help up in raising the kid. So I will not let her feel like a single parent again.

- I take things for granted and let her keep track of all our bills. If she were to be back, I will track my personal bills

5) Do I really have to do that? Change the outside too?

6) I will not tell her that I have changed but since we are separated and she do not want to meet me at all, how can she notice the changes? I don't even have a slighter chance to see her because whenever I went to pick up my boy, she was never around.

Next I would like to tell you how have I spend my time with my boy.

As my boy is only 1 year old and have been taken care by my Mother in Law since birth, my wife never trust me in taking care of him.

After separation, since early march I was allow to bring my boy back on Sunday for few hours. (between 12pm - 6pm) I will spend about 5 plus hour with him

The time was fix this way because they prefer to let him have his meal before noon and I have to bring him back before dinner.

So during this few hours, my time spend with him will be.

-I bring him outside our house and let him play with his mini cooper battery operated car (I bought for him during his 1st birthday)

-I changes him and make him clean

-At home, I play toys with him and taught him how to read books. I also use my ipad to download kids education software and teach him along.

-I fed him milk around 2.30pm and make him sleep around 3pm.

- when he wakes up about 5pm, I will change him and prepare to bring him back to in law places.

My current plan is to ask for more time to be with GR. So I am thinking to ask my wife whether I can start cooking for him. If I know how to cook for him, GR can stay with me longer and may have a night stay with me. But these have to be plan properly else it may back fire (remember there is still my father in law who is always giving negative input?)

As for my last interaction with my wife, it is always about GR. It either what time will you bring GR to your place, what time you bring him back or it his feeding time. However there is once where i start the conversion and ask her if we can bring GR for a swim. She seem keen and we discuss what time to bring him there, buy the float for him and so on. But When I asked can we bring him there together, she keep quiet and avoid the topic.

Recently my boy grow some pimple like things on his forehead, so we have some discussion there to.

After your reply previously, I rework my goals and it has somewhat become something like that

Positively stated
1) Be the best dad for GR
2) Target to make her feel more relax about me
3) Stay in the married

Action oriental and break into smaller part
1) -I teach him read books, play and interact with him.
-target to cook for GR so I can spend longer time with him
-target to have at least a over night stay with GR

2) -I will let her know I am not taking the kid away from her but just want to spend more time with my boy.
- Not going to bring up relationship issue/ Divorce issue. (but I am defending against the divorce here and according to my lawyer, the case maybe take 5 - 8 mths)
-If there is time for jokes, I will share it with her.
-when ask question, try to be open ended.
- invite her for the "Dad time" if possible.
- Send her picture or video clip of me and GR having great time together.

3) On remain marriage
- I do not have any idea here how to proceed yet.

So MrBond, the above are my current plan.

Okay this is a very good list.

I'll try to take things point by point.

"I am not involve previously for certain reason."

What was the reason that you weren't involved before?

Thanks MrBond.

I just go to see my son during lunch time at in law place. I only spend 20min there. I see my son grow up bit by bit but I felt really miserable.

Also, are you the jealous type? Is that why you didn't allow her to go out with her friends? Do you have friends to go out with?

Ok since you asked, I will explain.

My wife is someone who love my boy too much that I can handle.
She buy things for him (toys/shirt/etc), she plan things for him (insurance)

What led me not to be involve is ok of her expectation. Our boy GR wakes up in the morning. First thing in the morning is to bring him to the toilet and let him "poo".

Then she will bath him. After let him play around, before 11am he will take a short nap and when he wakes up before 12pm, she will feed him. Then after we will bring him out for shopping. Before 3pm we have to bring him back because he needs a afternoon nap.

After nap, he wakes up, we play with him and he have his dinner at around 6pm. Follow by some activities with him and he go to sleep before 9pm.

In between the night, he will wake up for night feed.

I was never involve for 2 reason.
1)I dislike the routinue set.
2) If i do things wrongly (not her way)I will receive some nagging from her. I am trying to avoid the nagging too.

I know i take things for granted but I just hate the nag like she hate my too.

Just a few example which i see from my in law place.
1) She bought a baby spoon for her mother to feed GR but her mum forget and use the adult spoon to feed him, she was unhappy.

2) Whenever GR have Mosqito bite, she will scream at her mum. you must apply this for him before going anywhere.

these are just few example.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

"I am not involve previously for certain reason."

What was the reason that you weren't involved before?

No, I am not jealous type. That is the misunderstanding here. I never don't allow her to go out with her friends. I just hope that when she is out, she is safe. When she is out till past 12am, I get worry about her.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

Also, are you the jealous type? Is that why you didn't allow her to go out with her friends? Do you have friends to go out with?

No. In the court case it says that you didn't spend time with your son or help before.

Why didn't you do that before?

I would say, I do help but not that much as per what my reason have stated. Don't want to get nag or do wrong things and get blame

I spend time playing with him. I change his diaper sometime. At the beginning state of GR birth, I am also the one who suggest to start a saving account for him. That is why I say misunderstanding

No the only person that is misunderstanding is you.

When your son was born, it's obvious that your wife wanted you to take a more active part in the birth. She wanted you to wake up when she did. She wanted you to help feed and watch him. She wanted you to do alot more to help her. You didn't do that.
It's also the reason why she doesn't trust you with him. It's because she has never seen you do that.

Starting a savings account is great. But your wife wants a husband who is there for her. Who will take care of her. You talk about getting her a warm drink. She wants more than that. She wants a person who can see to all of her needs and whom she can trust and believe in.

And that's why I've been telling you over and over and over again that you need to spend more time with your son. You have to show her that you can be trusted with your son. When you have her trust, then she'll start having feelings for you again.

And yes you need to change your physical appearance. I feel like I'm telling you this over and over again. You have to show her that you're not the same person anymore. You have to show her that your not the same physically and that you are more responsible.

So start seeing your son alone without your mom. Get him overnight. If she gives you a problem about it, then talk to your lawyer.'

Do you have a lawyer?

And you never answered the question before. Do you get jealous when she spends time with other people?

I am working to get my son back and spend time with me alone. But till now it have not been successful.

I want to take care of him alone but I know her dad will give negative feedback and make her don't want to let me handle him.

Yes I do have a lawyer who is working with me to defend the divorce.

As for this question, it was answer in the previous post.
I am not a jealous type of person. As long as I know she is faithful to me I never get jeealous.

why I persuade her not to go out so often is because, she will be home late. I am worry about her safety.

Just make a request to her that I would like to spend more time with GR. I ask for GR overnight stay with me. She reject saying. OT at the moment.

Damn it, she call to tell me the reason why I can't bring GR back and I lost it again. Ask her why my fatherhood is so different from others. Tell her we got many misunderstanding

Calm down.

Tell your lawyer that you want to spend more time with your son and have him write up a legal document forcing your wife to give you more time.

"why I persuade her not to go out so often is because, she will be home late. I am worry about her safety."

This is very controlling. You can't talk to women this way.

At this stage, the lawyer is working towards defending the divorce. So the custody part will only be discuss with the lawyer if defend is not successful. In fact my lawyer did told me during the first stage I have to try to settle it peacefully else at second stage, I might face problem in custody because she might make it hard for me.

As for what I have said to her, what done cannot be undone now. From our conversion yesterday, she is much farther away from me now.

Can you write down exactly what you said?

Are you still able to see your son?

She called and tell me the reason why she don't allow me to bring GR back yet.
So I told her why my fatherhood is so different from other. I have just only become a dad. I said I can take care of him but she say no because before GR sleep he will always look for her mother (my in law). So I lost it, tell her if our misunderstanding can be clear, this will not have happen. Referring to the letter of divorce I mention we can solve those problem but she told me within the paper, she can only write that bit. If she were to write everything, she can write as thick as a dictionary.

In fact I am expecting this outcome. I know asking for a GR over night stay will make things worst but I try because of encouragement here

Okay. So how about taking it slow and asking for more time with your son. Not overnight, but more hours.

Tell her that you are the father and you have an equal right to be with your son. Tell her that you understand her concerns and that she is more than welcome to join you and him, but you are going to be spending more time with him because it's more important for him to spend time with his own father than with her parents.

If she gives you a hard time about it, then tell your lawyer to come up with an order to demand equal time.

Be sure that you speak very calmly and be very cool about this.

The thing is that your wife thinks you are very controlling. So be sure that when you talk to her, you do so in a very straight forward manner. That's why telling her that she can come along would help.

And remember to validate what she says.

I already know what is the outcome of doing so. And I believe you can judge by her character of the reply yesterday what is the outcome and that is why u ask me to seek lawyer help.

U know, I starting to think why has she become a person like that? The love, care that once she given to me are all gone. I am tired and very tired.

So you're ready to give up?

"U know, I starting to think why has she become a person like that?"

You still don't understand. You made her like that. The way you treated her. The way you didn't help her. YOU made her like that.

The reason why she doesn't want to give you any love or care is because she did it before and instead of loving her back, you controlled her life. You told her she couldn't go out. You didn't help her. You didn't do alot of things.

It doesn't matter that you're trying to do it now. She has already hit the point where she doesn't want to try any more. It doesn't mean that she can't change her mind. She can. But you have to prove it to her that you are a changed man.

So far I haven't seen you do anything to prove that you can change. You are still only thinking about yourself.

Do you want to be lonely and confused? Then do something. Follow the steps I've outlined. It's getting very frustrating when you don't do anything and yet you keep coming on here and asking why nothing's working. It's because you didn't do anything yet.

The process could take days, weeks, months or even years. If you can't handle it, then I would suggest you sign the divorce papers and let her be free so her and your son can be happy.

Is that what you want?

Being the best dad is what I am always doing now, since mid march till today I am still doing. I took leave today and bring GR out to have fun. My mother in law follow me too. But I am really piss off when her mother told me her dad told me not to go into her daughter room anymore. GR is sleeping in her room, I am just going in to see him sleep. Can u see the stress I am facing?

By the way MrBond, you said so far I have not being doing anything?
I thought working on my boy is what you have suggested?

Yes it is good that you are with your boy.

Now your goal is to spend time with him without your in laws watching.

Or if they are with you, make sure you're the best father there is. Maybe if they are with you, you let them play with you and your son to try and get them on your side. Be nice to them no matter how badly they treat you.

I am already spending time with him without my in law watching. Yesterday is just one time event only and I have been a loving dad infront of her.

But u know, my mother in law does try to talk to my wife before but she told her, if u ever bring out the issue again, she will shift out of her house so she dare not talk to her anymore

What else have you done to change?

I know my change involved not to control her and I know begging, tell her about the past just don't work. I need lot of patient but I always lost it.

Keep practicing that. You'll get better at it over time.

How about your physical changes?

MrBond, I am pushing her farther and further away. In fact wednesday is where she called me to talk about our boy but I screw it. Yes I would still want her to be back but my mind and heart don't speak the same langauage and it keep messing things up.

For physical changes, this might involve $$$ and as she do not want to see me yet I will have to do it later. I am about to go out of job soon

"Yes I would still want her to be back but my mind and heart don't speak the same langauage and it keep messing things up."

That's why you have to learn to be calm. What nationality are you if I may ask?

In terms of the physical changes, they don't need to include money. You can get a new haircut (you get one every month anyway right?). You can work out at a park, go running, do pushups, do things that make you healthy and stronger.

You need to get stronger in body and mind.

I am a chinese from Singapore so I am a Singaporean.
I used to play soccer every weekend.

Okay it helps me understand you better. I have alot of Chinese friends and some from Singapore, so I get it.

Good. Then start working out again. It will make you feel better. It will get you healthier. It will get your mind off of your wife. And you will start to look better.

But one of the reason why she left me is because I left her alone at home to look after our new born kid and I went for soccer.

You don't get it.

It's not that she didn't want you to go to soccer. She just didn't like being left alone with the baby. You don't understand that she needed help with the baby and you didn't give it to her. If you would have helped her more, you could've gone to soccer as many times as you want.

So since she doesn't live with you any more, go out and play soccer, but be sure to not let that interfere with your time with your son.

When you're with your son, how about taking a photo of him and you playing and just sending that to your wife? One photo only and no texts.

I did that. I send it to her.
So MrBond, I got to work on my physical and I got to work on being a good dad.

For my phyiscal, I am not fat but I do have small tummy.

"I did that. I send it to her."

That's good. Just one photo so that she sees you're having fun with him and that you're responsible. Don't send it with any messages.

The physical is to also help your mind get healthy.

MrBond you know my lawyer is fightting against the divorce, do you think I hurt her by doing this?

I messed up the whole once loving family. If only i have not done that.

Another thing I feel is, if I neglect to look after our new born that is the initial stage of the problem.

When the problem arise, my parents and her parents get involve and things got worst. Now my relationship with her dad is bad. I you ask me to apologise to him, yes I did and not one but twice. He just don't want to accept.

The last time I ask her to come back, she said now I have make the situation like that already, are you happy? How will I be able to go back again like that?

I am really really sad. I stay alone in the big big house we once have dream at but now I am the only one in there. I feel depress at time. I can't concentrate at work and I am always here during office hour looking for help

I know how nosy Chinese parents can be. Just remember that it's still your child and your wife and you life.

You apologized to her father which is good. If he doesn't accept it, that's his choice. In the end, you did the right thing.

You see, she's afraid that things will go back to the way they were just like I said. It will take time to get her trust back. That's why you have to show that you're a different man.

I'm sorry that you feel sad. But if you want to get your wife back, you have to shake that off and get your confidence back. The sports will help with that and the new physical look.

Alright I will try hard to change my physical. As for her dad I will try to ignore. But here the problem, my parent are damn angry with that stupid old man now

My mother keep telling me, you see you keep giving in and he is talking advantage of u. She ask me can u let go of her a not.

There will be friends and family who will tell you to give up. It's up to YOU what you want. As a man, you make a decision and stick with it no matter how hard.

Try not to get your family (and hers) involved. If they try to butt in, then tell them politely that you appreciate their advice and will be handling things yourself.

At this moment, what I want is to have the family intact. But everything seem so against my will.

Have you seen any story here that is as bad as me and manage to reconcile? I need some motivation.

I've seen worse. I've seen stories where the wife actually has the husband arrested and they got back together again. I've seen stories that took 4 years or more to get back together. There is hope.

The only difference between them and you is that they learned and really understood how to divorce bust. They learned to follow the advice of others and change so that they became better people.

I understand you want hope. But only you have the power to change yourself. The faster you learn to do that, the faster you can get your wife back.

CHANGE, that is the key but she never notice. She was never at home when I pick our son up every weekend. Today I was there to pick up my son again, I only see that sickening father of her.

I am really depress, really really depress.

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY!

LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY!

"CHANGE, that is the key but she never notice."

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE NOTICES! How many times do I have to tell you that? You have to change for you to be a better man. You have to change for your son so you are a better father. Eventually your wife will see. But you have to change for you and no one else first!

"I only see that sickening father of her."

Stop saying things like this. This shows you haven't changed. If you were a better man, her father wouldn't bother you so much. YOU have to be a better man. Like a superhero who always does the right thing even through other people don't like you. You keep changing for you.

If you become that man, you will stop being depressed.

Are you sure your wife isn't seeing somebody else?

I am not sure is she seeing someone else.

These few days I have been thinking, should I get out of this mess by being selfish?

I do not want the custody of our boy anymore, just let her mother handle everything since she is always thinking I am always not involve then let her be. I no longer want our boy and let her be the one that bring him up. Anyway I felt I have been used.

My boy is fated to be in a family with selfish parent. His mum who don't want to get him the family. His dad, who want to disown this son. Even I am involve with our child up bring, he will never even be close to me since he will eventually be bought up by them.

If you choose to abandon your son like that, you are worse than your wife. You are having him raised with no father. YOU not her.

I have no respect for someone like that. In fact, no other woman would ever respect a man who abandons his child.

If you do that, you are a worthless human being. So you plan to not even pay for your own son or recognize him? That's not selfish. That's evil.

Yes I am damn evil. The child is fated to be this way. His mum don't want to give him a family and I am being blame for? I am fighting for the family and she was not been blame. WTF

I get the blame, I get screw by ppl. All fault lied in me???
She is the one who don't want to give our child a chance

"The child is fated to be this way."

No he is not. You haven't even done any changing so it's YOU that is making his fate. You haven't taken any responsibility for what you have done. You are the one saying that you will abandon him. Not your wife. You keep saying that to yourself. So stop blaming your wife.

She didn't tell you to stay out of his life. You are saying that. And that makes you responsible.

"His mum don't want to give him a family and I am being blame for?"

Yes because you don't even understand what a family is. A family starts when a man and woman care for each other that they would do things to make the other one happy. You didn't do that. You didn't make your wife happy. So she left you. Simple as that.

You can't expect her to automatically go running back to you because you said you changed. She has no proof that you've changed. This takes time. A long time to correct the mistakes you made. It doesn't happen overnight.

But the biggest thing is your attitude. If you don't change that, you will lose everything. If your son fails it is because YOU, his father, didn't show him how to do the right thing because you threw him away like garbage. YOU not your wife.

I have not done any changing? You know what she told me, she said you use to not take care of our son, why are you doing it now? She ask me don't make use of the son.

I told her only last year that she has give birth to our son but she said that her son for herself.

If I have want to abandon him, I will have done it long ago but I have been continue being insulted by the bastard in her house. It his fate.

I did not care for her??? It is the care that I gave her that she cannot take it and left the family. I want to do thing to make both of us happy that time but she was never close and she never tell me what happen to discuss so changes can be made. When she is unhappy, she left me and I never know the reason until the lawyer letter have been serve.

I don't expect her to accept me immediately but she was never around and everytime I go to fetch my child, that bastard is there. He add negative things about me afterward. How can that help?

Now her dad is pointing finger at me saying I must be a difficult person to leave with. you mention my attitude. I know myself I have love her and I have treated her well. Things she want, I spend on her rather than myself. I get her one of the best hospital when she go for delivery of our child. I drive her to every gyne check out during those day. When she has a miscarriage, I am suffering as much as her. How can all of you point finger at me?

Now she want a divorce which mean spoilt GR family and she was happily working outside. She must have been enjoying life now. all according to her plan, and I am part of her plan to be used to take care of GR so she can still enjoy her life.

you never understand the torturing proceed i have to go through. I am sitting now with my lawyer last week. I asked my lawyer can we don't put this sentence in and he said you have to in order to defend the divorce. You know how hurt and stressful it is?

Whenever my boy see me, he smile and crawl toward me. He know i am bring him out and he is very happy. But do you know how I feel? This is not the kind of family he is support to be in.

Yes I know how you feel so stop asking. You make it sound like you're the only person who has ever been through this. Everyone on this site has gone through what you have. Many people here have had problems with their in-laws. Many people here have problems with their wives and husbands leaving them. All of the people who write here, had their husbands or wives tell them that they were no good even though they never told them what was wrong.

The difference between us and you is that you don't want to move on from being hurt. You read Divorce Busting but you don't understand it. You have to become a better person. It doesn't matter if your father-in-law hates you. Your only responsibility is to your wife and your son. But you let your hate overwhelm you. You tell me that you have it rough and that no one understands.

WTF. We all went through what you did. You complain, complain, complain.

I have 2 children affected by this. My youngest was just born when my wife left. And my wife cheated on me with her boss. And my mother-in-law hated me. And I had the police called on me for things that weren't true. And her boss tried to get me fired to try and cover up his affair.

I've had it worse than you. The difference is that I didn't let that hold me down. I waited 2 years before my wife started talking to me. It has now been 4 years and during this time I learned, I read, I grow, I understand. Today my wife and I are reconciling, my children are happy, and my life is happy.

I went through everything you went through. So don't say I don't understand. It's disgusting. You want to get your family back together? Learn to grow up. Go back and read divorce busting and really understand what it's all about. Go to a psychologist who will help you understand what you are going through and get healthy mentally and emotionally.

If you can't afford a psychologist, then go and speak to a priest or a monk to get advice.

You have to put all of your hurt feelings aside for now and get your wife back. There is plenty of time to deal with your emotions after you get back together. It's not easy.

So the question is, do you want your family together or not? If you do, then you have to do the work. If you don't, then sign the divorce papers and run away. You will be no better than your wife.

Have u already reconcile with your wife? I thought you say haven't the other day?

U know, talking about the divorce letter this is that one thing I hate most. I am defending against it and I doing the right thing?

Finally, in my heart I really do not want to abandon my boy. He is lovely but I don't know how long I can take up these stress

"He is lovely but I don't know how long I can take up these stress"

Why do you keep saying that you have to abandon him? Even if you divorce, he is still your son and you have a responsibility to take care of him.

WTF, are you a girl that your feelings are more important than your son's life?

MrBond, like today I have no mood to go and work so I took a leave. I wish to go down and see him but something just stop me from doing so

"something just stop me from doing so"

YOU are the "something". YOU stop yourself. YOU can overcome that.

I think I spend more time on your posts than anyone elses. And the biggest problem is that you don't do anything but complain.

I did go and see my son and play with him. How can u say I did nothing?

What are you talking about? You just said that you wished to see your son today but something stopped you.

All I did was answer you. I think you really need to start reading the posts carefully rather than complaining.

Remember this list you have given me.

1) Leave your wife alone
2) Start spending time with your son ALONE.
3) Write a list of all the things that your wife complained about you. A detailed list.
4) Then write a list of all the things that you will do to correct those things your wife complained about.
5) Get a new haircut and a change in clothes. You have to change both outside and inside.
6) While you are making your changes, don't tell your wife you are making these changes. These changes have to be for yourself. If you keep telling her you're changing and expecting her to notice, she won't believe that your changes are real.

I have already done step 1)

Step 2) I am not allow to spend time with him alone so I can only bring him back on the weekend and enjoy some past time with him.

Step 6) I am not in contact with her for about a week so I never tell her about the changes. I don't even text her when she text me last Sunday with regard to GR. am I doing this right?

I maybe stupid and I admit, please advice me

"I am not allow to spend time with him alone"

Why not? You're not a prisoner. You're his father. You have as much right to see him alone as your wife. Talk to your lawyer about this. You have a right to see him alone.

"I don't even text her when she text me last Sunday with regard to GR. am I doing this right?"

If there is something that has to deal with your son, then you talk to her. Talk to her about what the best way is for your son to feed, to change, etc. Show her that you are interested in being a good dad.

MrBond, I am sorry for keep complaining but I really miss her very much. I have not see her for months as she is avoiding me.

I miss those days when she was at home with me and my son.

Originally Posted By: Use to be

I miss those days when she was at home with me and my son.

BUT SHE DOESN'T!!!!

She wasn't happy because you were controlling and weren't helping with your son.

You need to stop thinking it's all about you, and start trying to see things from HER perspective.

Of course, that's just my opinion ....

Yes Drew,

I am careless and selfish those days causing her to leave me. How I wish I have waken up earlier.

Wake up now.

Yes and hope she can feel and see it

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're still not listening!!

Do it because it's the right thing to do.

Do it to be a better man.

Do it to be a better father.

If you do it only to win your wife back .......

You will fail.

Hi drew,

I am slow and sometime I don't understand or misunderstood what you guys said.
MrBond advice me all the way till he give up. But where is the part that I am not listening? Will u be able to highlight?

And you mention do it, maybe you guys can let me know what I did not do and what I do wrongly? Really I am very confuse what to do and what not to do.

Originally Posted By: Use to be

Yes and hope she can feel and see it

So what have you been doing?

MrBond, I am not feeling well this week so Sunday I did not go and see my boy. I do not want to spread the virus to him. Anyway is mother's day so I asked them to enjoy the day together.

Thanks for your concern

Are you still here?

MRBond,
I admire your standing tough in the face of adversity, and yes alot of us on this site have been down the same road. I have been seperated now for a year, and my wife filed in Jan 12 and I am still working slowly to prevent it...
The gentleman you are posting with needs to get some help, so that he can learn to set his emotions aside and allow time to work in his favor...
I must admit that your story of being apart for four years and now reconciling...wow...that is a long time...
Anyway, this is a good thread...