I am wondering if there are signs from my W that it will never work again. That We will never get back together. We have been separated for a week now, divorce is on the tip of her tongue.
A bit of my sitch, My W27 and me 29 have been married for 7 years. Got married young had our first child D7 right away. She found OM about three months ago. W moved out last week and continues to see OM. W has told me that she wants a divorce but I some how talked her out of it. She says that she wants to be happy and she cant do that with me. She tells my D that mommy is happier without me and that I am happier with out her(pffft). She says she isn't "In love with me any more"
I have been LRT, with marginal success. Mainly failures on my part for not biting my tongue. She came over last night and I told her that I am looking for a new job and I found one in Colorado Springs. I could tell by the look on her face she was upset. She said that she had no desire to go to colorado springs, that her life is here and that she wants to continue living up here. Which I find a bit weird because her entire family is down there. I know she didn't have a great childhood and maybe she just hates it down there. I'm thinking it has more to do with the OM and what she is developing with him.
She has left the kids with me and I am logging the time they spend with me. It seems though that she has no desire to spend a quality amount of time with them. I have stopped talking about the R and the M but I really want to do an intensive with Michelle but have no idea how to get my wife to do it as she is totally against going to a MC. But I am(woohoo!) I really want this to work out but my patience isn't very long right now. I keep praying that God opens her heart and that she will see what she is doing not just to me but to our kids. She has it in her mind that the kids are going to be okay but I have a hard time seeing things this way. I know I can't tell the future but My daughter wants us to be together but my W doesn't. Should I be giving up? Should I just say F it and move on? Am I kidding myself thinking that she will come back?
I seem to be rambling. What I really want to know is if there are signs that my cause is hopeless? I don't want to give up I don't want a divorce. I want us to be us. I want to have a whole family and have my D and S see both of us happy together.
Any advice would be awesome. Thanks
Wildaces81 -
Hi I am in a similar place mentally as you are. The only advice that I can give you (and it was given to me) is...
What do YOU want? If you are still not sure then I would not make a move. I think you want to be 100% positive that this is the move you want to make. Look you cannot change her but you can change you. Are you making this choice out of FEAR? If you expect that filing will scare her into changing her mind you mind find that the end result is not what you had hoped for.
Personally, I think you can hold out a little longer. Can you say to your child that you did everything possible to save this marriage? Only you can answer that question.
Honestly when I think about it I want my wife to be here with me and my kids. I want to work things out. I want to be the husband I know I can be. It is worth the heart ache and worth the knot in my stomach. I just want to show her that I can be what she needs me to be. I am resolved through God to make my marriage work. I don't want my kids to know what it is like to see mommy and daddy split up. Today is the day that I make my choice, and my choice is GOD. I choose to love him and have him help me love her through him. Because what is love with out God? Honestly I have realized it is nothing. It is pitiful and shallow. I want a deep love with my wife and my kids. I want her to see me change and change I shall.
Awesome Post. Although my situation is different, the first steps are almost always the same. "Love me some me." I found my love for myself but only after I revisited my faith. IM not a deeply religious person but I realize I am very spiritual.
However, there is one thing you need to change in your above post. You dont want her to see you change. You want to see YOU change. If you know what it is that is ailing your R, then go about fixing it. In my sitch, I realized I wasn't do enough for me. I also wasnt doing enough for anybody. I was depressed and I saw no way out. Sadly, it took my wife asking for space and asking me to move out for me to see what I have become.
Im sure you will feel the same way once you get going. It also sounds like you made an important first step.
koliver,
Thank you, and yes you are totally right I do want myself to change but damn it is hard. Sometimes I just want to lie in bed with a billion blankets and just curl into a ball. It really blows. I want to do my 180s I just really need to start. I'm going to be going to a college this week for a tour so hopefully I'll be able to start to changing for me.
It is hard to be 'dark' or 'dim' when you have nothing but love for the other person. Where is Doc Brown when you need him? lol
Wild - Remember you can only change YOU. YOU cannot make her Love you or stay with you but YOU can make the changes that you need to make for you but they must be for YOU. If you try and change to keep her she will see right thru it. God can help he can and he will but you will need to ask him what He want you to see in this journey. You may or may not like the answer but remember he knows what the future has in store for you. Trust him with all your heart and ask him to show you what you need to change to be closer to HIM.
I will pray for you tonight. Know that you are not alone.
eric, I intend to change for me. I've been working out. Eating....more. lol. And playing with my children most of all. There are other things that I need to start but I am making them for me. It is hard to let go of things to God when you have been holding them close to your chest for so long. But I am re-learning what it is like to have Faith and Trust in my Lord and Savior. I don't know but maybe this is all happening because he wanted me to turn back to him? I don't really know who could? But you are right so right. And I don't want to make superficial changes because if this does all turn really sour then I want to be able to stand on my own two feet with my head held high.
Thank you for the prayers, I need them.
Wild - YOU will be able to stand on your own two feet. This is going to be tough and I do believe that He has called to showed you things about yourself that He intends to change. The change though will take time so you need to be patient with yourself. What are the things that you feel u need to change and how do you plan on changing them?
The things I need to change are I need to be more out going. I used to be a person who would meet new people all the time. Now I'm a bit closed off. I don't approach people that much any more. I want to work more on my art and develope new skills and improve on the old ones. I really want to concentrate on my kids. I want to keep them busy as possible. Which now that it is getting warmer I will be able to keep them out side more and more. There are a ton of things I have been thinking about but I just don't want to bite off more than I can chew and then get lost on where to start. So right now I am working out more and I have been playing with my kids a lot. I really need to sit down and figure out some 180's because right now what I am doing isn't working. So really my goal today is to figure out those. I also have my next session with my C today.
Those sound like great goals...keep up the good work. Now that whatever happens you will survive and you will make it. Any goals or things that you do that are an attempt to get her back will not work. These must be the goals that you want. In this process you should become the man that YOU want to be not the one that you think may get her back. Keep saying that to yourself...keep saying it. You are doing good and I agree that you should not bite off more than you can choose. Be gentle on yourself. Remember Rome was not built in a day.
eric, thank you for your words of encouragement.
I am wondering, i know there is an OM i don't know how far the relationship is EA or PA. I have been reading other threads and I see that there are a lot of people who believe that giving boundries and such is a positive move. But with her I know she wants my children with her. And by that I mean she most likely will move to her home town where her entire family is which is two hours away. I don't want that to happen. She says divorce every once in a while. Mainly when we are arguing or something upsets her. I have no desire to let my kids be that far away from me. I have no desire to be a part time father.
If I start giving boundries with my wife (who says she is done and has no try left in her) I'm really sure she is going to serve me papers and then try and get full custody of my kids. I really just don't know where to go. I'm at a fork in the road. I want to tell her that I want to be friends but I don't want to be friends with someone who has been lying to me for the past 4 months, that I have no idea why I have put up with being treated the way she is treating me. I want to start taking a stand to start tipping the scales a bit in my favor but I don't know how to with out making my sitch worse than it already is.
Wild - I am in a similar sitch..my wife for all intensive purposes of done. I have three kids so I understand your concern. Look buddy your scared right now (so am I) but do not react based on your fear. Remember you cannot control what she does but you can control how you respond. In terms of the kids, you may want to do some research on the laws in your state as it relates to custody. In terms of confronting about the OM - thier are two thoughts...some will say confront other will say do not confront. If you decided to confront do you feel in your heart of hearts that you are ready for outcome of the confrontation. If not, then I would not confront. How old is your W? How old R the kids? Each sitch is a little different. You may want to talk to a DB coach to see what they think.
I know I know, that is what has stopped me from pretty much dressing her down with words FEAR. I care for my kids more than anything and having her take them from me would devestate me. I have done some research and it looks like CO is a 50 50 state unless you fight for full custody. Which I don't want to do because my kids need their mother as much as they need me. Confronting the other man crosses my mind a billion times a day and each time the outcome is my W just pushing further away. My wife is 27 im almost 29, the kids D7 and S2. we got married young and all of that. I want to talk to a DB but cant afford it right now.
Wild - a 50/50 is great (at least that is my feeling). You need to consider the kids before you make a determination on if you will confront. I would take some time for YOU and figure out what YOU really want. Keep your head up - you will survive. Find out who you are and what you want. A marriage should not define you. Keep your head up buddy.
I want a 50/50 but with what she is doing or going through I think the kids would be better off with me. They have their own rooms their own beds and a big back yard to play in. She is living with her friend from work sleeping on a couch. And if she does get joint physical custody I know she'll move back to her home town and take the kids with her which would make me either move down there or I would become a part time dad.
I'm keeping my head up. I had a great weekend this week. I was all smiles when ever she came around. I cant say I am doing the LRT but I am doing 180's which honestly feel great.
Actually had a good day with W and kids at the zoo, didn't really want to have her come but she hadnt seen the kids for two days. So I suggested we go to the zoo.
After the zoo we were sitting out side of my house smoking and she admitted to me that she needed to go on anti-anxiety meds again. She said she gets anxiety everytime she leaves my house and our kids, when she is at work, when she goes to her apartment. I just nodded and looked at her. I told her anxiety was probably one of the shittiest feelings ive had in these past months and left it at that.
I've been smart about what I talk about. I guess ignoring my feelings and wanting to get her to talk about our R is really helping me. Its making a difference for how I feel and react around her. So, one step forward hopefully a billion more to come!
Took a huge fracking backslide today. And I JUST READ ABOUT IT. MAN I COULD SHOOT MYSELF. We were out on the back porch and I started to talk to her about our R and ask her if I was stupid for loving her still? Really come on man. Some on slap me around. I could just go out side right now and yell at the moon. I talked about the R with OM and all of that I don't know why I just did. I told her that I don't like how she treated me and that I knew I made mistakes but at least I am owning up to mine. pretty much did a lot of things I shouldn't have. I'm an idiot.....
I don't see anything wrong with it. You were just getting stuff off your chest. Trust me, it's not going to be your first. What did she say?
I still have that problem. I'll be going along fine and then some R talk slips out of my mouth suddenly. It's not easy. Don't beat yourself up. Just get back on the horse for awhile.
I don't see anything wrong with it. You were just getting stuff off your chest. Trust me, it's not going to be your first. What did she say?
She told me that she left because I never took her out(sorry that I worked nights and weekends for 6months straight) I never took her to things that she wanted to do. She told me that this OM talked to her more, wanted to more about her. Well of fricken course he did, you just met you don't know each other and sorry. She said she wants me to just forget about her to let her go. I told her that I couldn't that I know I can still be the one that makes her happy. I told her I dont expect things to change in one night but I should be given another chance(ouch, I wish I stopped that from coming out of my mouth but it is in the past now) She said again that I should just forget about her, that she shouldn't come around as much because seeing her is making it harder for me. (well that is true but not seeing her is just as bad) I told her that How could I forget about her when I see her in everything, hear and smell her in everything.
well needless to say she left and went to her friends apartment. but showed up this morning. I took the right step and just said good morning and then left for work. I don't know if I should be doing a 180 and start taking her to the ballett or symphony which are things she wanted or if I should just totally ignore her. At least I got [censored] off my chest. Any advice?
Can you really do anything if OM is in the picture??
I effing hate all these sitches (mine included) everything that would make sense doesnt work and everything that does work is essentially psychological and mind games (so to speak).
She said "forget about her." No doubt some script, but also some truth...I say, work whatever 180's you can, but if she's involved w/ OM, I wouldn't take her anywhere. I would let that sitch crumble and just be a better person when and if she comes back.
I find I am happier not dealing w/ W- sure, i'm tempted to contact her, but I always end up hurt when I do.
OM is in the picture in my sitch so I'll let the two be scandelous infidels and i'll keep my side of the street clean.
Hate that you're in this sitch.
best
maynard, I just read some of your first post from a while ago. Man what you are saying in your first two post is exactly what I am going through. I'm going to go back and read more of it. I feel as though everything I do wether it be hardcore DB or just going with my gut is wrong. I'm trying to mix everything I can. And see or hope that it works. I dunno. Apparently she and OM have stopped talking but she has been lying to me since DEC so how can I trust what she is saying now.
I can tell you that I have made a huge flip and that is for me to just have a better attitude towards all aspects of my life. I've stopped resisting God and his will and I'm trying slowly but surely to trust and have more Faith in him. My attitude is improving and right now I can honestly say that I don't feel like someone is sitting on my chest any more. My stomach isn't in knots. We'll see what happens
OMG this post is AWESOOOOME!! I think i will be reading it on a day to day basis cause man it not only motivates but it makes me realize i'm not making as many mistakes as I thought.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=75771#Post75771
So I'm wondering about 180's my W says that we never went out, that she always wanted to go to the ballett or a symphony or something like that. Is it a valid 180 to take her to it or is that going against. "Do not make dates" This is where I am confused. I seem to be doing better with not talking about our relationship. She actually said she missed me yesterday. But I'm taking it with a grain of salt.
Other than that I have been feeling great. Reading the Prayers section really helps.
The light at the end of my tunnel is getting brighter. Right now I am feeling good and I don't want it to stop. I find that when I work out and I let out all my emotion while doing it. I am in a better mood when my W comes over, and I'm less likely to talk about the R and M.
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue to fight on...."
Why don't YOU start going out alone and make it be known that you ARE going out and changing your lifestyle. Start doing the things she supposedly ALWAYS wanted to do on your own.
While not inviting her, in a few weeks when she mentions your new active, single and alone social and cultural schedule (resentfully, which she will), drop the hint that she's free to join you and leave it up to her. You'll be going regardless with your male friends, relatives, and alone. Thus, it's not "about her" but implies that it could be.
I'm not sure. But this is just one idea.
rr22, Awesome. Lets get er done!!
rr22 -
Why don't YOU start going out alone and make it be known that you ARE going out and changing your lifestyle. Start doing the things she supposedly ALWAYS wanted to do on your own.
While not inviting her, in a few weeks when she mentions your new active, single and alone social and cultural schedule (resentfully, which she will), drop the hint that she's free to join you and leave it up to her. You'll be going regardless with your male friends, relatives, and alone. Thus, it's not "about her" but implies that it could be.
Great Advise!
I agree as well- plus it's just a good habbit to get into...
maynard, eric and rr. thank you for your advice. Now I need help on something else. My W text me yesterday asking for sex. Of course I want to but I want to because i'm still in love with her. My C suggested that I don't because it is me abusing myself, and letting her cake eat. She has told me that the R with OM is over but again I don't believe her. She says she hasn't had sex with OM but I don't believe her. But I like sex, with her. I have no intention of going outside my marriage and never have. Do I have sex with her or don't I? I know it will hurt maybe not right away but I know that I am going to ultimately hope that it brings us back together. Which I don't know if it will. It was satisfying not giving into her yesterday.
Wild -
She has told me that the R with OM is over but again I don't believe her. She says she hasn't had sex with OM but I don't believe her.
Can you ever get to a point where you can believe her? This is the question that you will need to ask yourself.
know it will hurt maybe not right away but I know that I am going to ultimately hope that it brings us back together. Which I don't know if it will
.
I guess if it was me I would ask myself could you do it KNOWING that it may not lead to anything.
Personally, this is a tough one to answer I really think it is your choice. Sorry dude.
I'm female, and I don't know about this one. Tell her you'll consider it. Then consider it. That's neither no (rejection) or yes (cake eating). You don't have to listen to everything your C suggests either. What would it take for you to believe that the relationship with the OM is over?
Also, what does the sex mean to your W at this time? Is she committing to "date" you at least or is she just looking for sex but still stating an intention to D?
I guess what I'm getting at is what do you get in exchange for this "booty call"? More booty calls? Actual dating with a hope of working on M? If it's just a booty call, it would be good to know that is what it is so you do not read more into it. Then you can, like ericsant said, decide for yourself.
rr22 and eric, thank you for your advice. I honestly don't know what it means to her. I asked her and she didn't really say anything. My hope is that she will be willing to date, and hopefully we can start working on our marriage. I don't want to feel like I'm being used. I don't want to just be a "booty call" But I do like sex with her. I do want more of it but I don't want our relationship to be brought back together on the basis of sex, I want it to be communication.
Eh, who knows. I know I can't bring her back by anything I really do. It has to be her that wants to come back. Patience is a bitch.
Wild - keep reading the DR or DB books. Keep DBing and keep coming here for perspective and insight. Your doing fine buddy.
Eric
I'm just going to point out what I've read before- from Sandi-
Your W's R w OM caved...who knows what happened, maybe he rejected her...she could be using the sex as a way to control you and make her feel better.
I would follow rrs advice and only consider it...I think its a bad idea to follow through.
I've had sex twice w/ W back in Novemeber--UGGGHHH...I do regret it b/c OM was in the picture, and b/c it showed that I was readily available to W...I don't regret it b/c it may have been the last time I was intimate w/ W...before that was Sept.
Just be wary...other posters had diff experiences, I think Robx was having sex w/ his W pretty regularly then nixed it b/c he wanted something more...a female WAW poster said that her having sex w/ her LBH actually helped their sitch...
Again, every sitch is different...for now, only consider...
Maynard said:
I've had sex twice w/ W back in Novemeber--UGGGHHH...I do regret it b/c OM was in the picture, and b/c it showed that I was readily available to W...I don't regret it b/c it may have been the last time I was intimate w/ W...before that was Sept.
This is an interesting point. Maybe you could keep control of the sitch by saying, "Okay. But only once." And hint that you would reconsider in the future depending on her behavior. And then stick to it when she tests you over the next month or so. If you have the stomach to do all that, say it like you mean it, and follow through with the holdout afterwards. Then you can see what happens. Keeps you in the driver's seat if you stick to your stated plan. Others on this board will possibly disagree. I don't know. Depends on your sitch.
Well, we ended up having sex. I honestly don't know how to feel, besides confused. She went out to a bar on saturday and then came over to the house. I told her she could sleep in the bed and one thing led to another and we had sex. Afterwards she told me that I could say "no" to her. And then also said that she knows she can be selfish. I don't know what to make of how she has been acting right now. She comes over to my house after dropping off a girlfriend of hers and said that she didn't want to have to drive all the way to the place she was staying.
Sometimes I think she isn't commited to leaving like she says she is. Or maybe the small changes I've been making are opening her eyes(i know that this is probably not the case). I just want to keep driving on. I want to get to the point where I don't feel like a limb has been severed off everytime she leaves. Sometimes I wish I could read her mind. lol.
All of you have been a great help, you have been keeping my spirits high and I thank God for that. Please don't stop giving me advice or just words of encouragement I need it. I also realize I need to do the same for you. Even though i'm not as wise in the ways of DBing
its all about learning from your mistakes...
maynard, the thing is I don't know if it is a mistake or not. Yea I don't feel real good about the sleeping together. I don't want to be used. But if it is helping her to connect to me is it a bad thing? I know by saying that it is going back on "i don't want sex to be the reason we work things out, i want communcation" grrrr this is so damn confusing.
I do know that I have been making changes for myself and that I have been doing better. I need to get out more on my own though and when I do I'll be able to keep my mind off of her and our R. It is hard to resist not being around her. Especially when she says I never took her out. I want to do things with her. I want to show her that If this is what you are wanting I want to do it for you. But with all the DBing I shouldn't be doing that. I should limit our contact to when she comes to watch our kids in the morning and to when she sees them at night but I don't know how this is going to help me. It is tough. and Lame that I have to play mind games with a person I have loved for 7 years. lol I say that and then think of other people on here that have been married for 3 or 4 decades. How pitiful I must sound.
its an emotional thing and no one likes the instability or uncertainty...think about when your walking w/ a cup full of coffee...if you focus on the coffee and really try not to spill it, it becomes harder to do...if you walk casually and are not too concerned about it, it's easier...
jasper, to true. I honestly want to have sex with her and I just want to enjoy it for what it is. I'm tired of the way she is acting but I'm praying that she either gets burnt out or burned by all these young people she is hanging out with. She didn't even come over last night to see the kids, which pissed me off. Then i snooped a bit and saw she went to a bar. Honestly I am realizing that she is wanting the life she missed because she got pregnant so young (20). I want to ask her if dating is an option for us but I think it may be too soon. doing more things as a couple would be a huge step. And hopefully will end up with us becoming better friends and then us getting back together.
Wild -
I want to ask her if dating is an option for us
IMO asking this question comes off as needy. I would not broach the question. Do you think you are really ready to handle if she says sure why not i'd like to date quite a few people. Think dude - think.
Honestly I am realizing that she is wanting the life she missed because she got pregnant so young (20).
Sounds like you are justifing her actions. You may need to do this for yourself but realize she controls her own actions as you control yours.
And hopefully will end up with us becoming better friends and then us getting back together.
Keep your expectations low that is not to say that thier is no hope but work on yourself - find out who you are. What are you likes and dislike outside of your M. This is where you energy should be focused - not on her right now. The time MAY come when you can focus on her right now focus on YOU.
God Bless
Eric
Eric, you are right I cannot deny it. I don't want to justify her actions and I guess I can't help doing it. I really don't know what she wants. Other than being a crappy person right now. I'm trying to focus on me but it is hard. I am backsliding right now I guess. I really need to read DB and read the parts on backsliding. I am trying to keep my expectations low but again that is so hard when I see her everyday. All i want to do is grab her and hug her and smell her hair. It drives me nuts. I really feel uncomfortable around my parents and I know it makes them worry but being at their house for an extended amount of time makes me feel like they are looking at me through a microscope. I wish I had the ability to just bust out of this low, I was feeling so good last week and I honestly don't know why I was, especially with how I feel right now. I wish doing things kept my mind off of things but really all it does is make me think of her more and how much I want to be with her. I want her to wake the f up and stop acting so different.
God give me patience and ability to follow your will, not mine. Send your spirit to fill my heart and shine through me. Make me a better person.
Wild -
I really don't know what she wants.
She may not know either so STOP pushing!
Other than being a crappy person right now.
Are U saying that she is a crappy person or are you. In either case neither of you are crappy people. Keep your thoughts positive. Positive.
I'm trying to focus on me but it is hard.
Yes it is hard but YOU can do it. Stop thinking of the future and take it ONE day at a time. One day at a time.
I am trying to keep my expectations low but again that is so hard when I see her everyday.
Maybe you should try and look at it from a different perspective. Maybe you should consider that she does see you everyday and so you have a chance to SHOW her your changes. This sounds a little more positive don't ya think?
I really feel uncomfortable around my parents and I know it makes them worry but being at their house for an extended amount of time makes me feel like they are looking at me through a microscope.
Then stop trying to be someone else - don't worry about what they think - do YOU like your changes? Your really the only one that matters at this point. Stop trying to live for everyone else and live for yourself. May sound a little selfish but it is not. Just work on YOU - what do YOU want that does not involve your W? Look deep you will find the answer.
I wish I had the ability to just bust out of this low, I was feeling so good last week and I honestly don't know why I was, especially with how I feel right now.
Look dude your human - be gentle on yourself - cut yourself a little slack man. Your gonna have those up and downs but you need to find a way to control them. Pray, go for a walk, work out do something. But PLEASE>>> be gentle on yourself just don't let her see you struggling.
I wish doing things kept my mind off of things but really all it does is make me think of her more and how much I want to be with her.
Once again you are normal - you've just experienced major shock - cut your self some slack. Now let me ask you a question....would you prefer to wallon in sorrow or pick yourself up like the man that you are and move forward? Which one is it Wild - I know the answer do you?
I want her to wake the f up and stop acting so different.
You cannot make her wake up by begging and pleading but you MAY wake her up by being the man that you want to be. Your actions need to be consistent.
Keep your head up dude - you can make it and you WILL make it. Just know this.
If you want...look me up on the alt.
God Bless,
Eric
She may not know either so STOP pushing!
Your right, I haven't really been pushing, i don't talk about our relationship. I haven't asked her to make dates for now or for the future. The only time we have spent together is as a family with our kids
Are U saying that she is a crappy person or are you. In either case neither of you are crappy people. Keep your thoughts positive. Positive.
I'm saying she is a crappy person. Because of what she has done and what she is doing. she is more interested in hanging out with people that are 4 to 5 years younger, that have no children and getting to go out and party.
Yes it is hard but YOU can do it. Stop thinking of the future and take it ONE day at a time. One day at a time.
I was doing this, but Monday seemed to be the wrong side of the bed and it has carried into today. I honestly have always been someone who has thought of the future and regretted the past. This is one of my goals. To live for the day, through God and for God, not for me.
Maybe you should try and look at it from a different perspective. Maybe you should consider that she does see you everyday and so you have a chance to SHOW her your changes. This sounds a little more positive don't ya think?
Yes it does sound more positive and I need someone like you eric to point it out to me. Its a good thing I found this site because I would be absolutely lost with out it and people like you, rr22, and maynard.
Then stop trying to be someone else - don't worry about what they think - do YOU like your changes? Your really the only one that matters at this point. Stop trying to live for everyone else and live for yourself. May sound a little selfish but it is not. Just work on YOU - what do YOU want that does not involve your W? Look deep you will find the answer.
I do like the changes I have made but they are tiny and i just need to keep a PMA and be motivated to do them more. I have actually kept the majority of my house clean for the past week and a half. Which is a miracle when two children are concerned.
Look dude your human - be gentle on yourself - cut yourself a little slack man. Your gonna have those up and downs but you need to find a way to control them. Pray, go for a walk, work out do something. But PLEASE>>> be gentle on yourself just don't let her see you struggling.
Thank you for the punches eric, I need them. I need to stay positive. I just let that worm of doubt sneak in all to often.
Once again you are normal - you've just experienced major shock - cut your self some slack. Now let me ask you a question....would you prefer to wallon in sorrow or pick yourself up like the man that you are and move forward? Which one is it Wild - I know the answer do you?
I want to move forward. I want to stand tall and be better than I was. I don't want to be where I am at right now. I want to be a good man, and an awesome father.
You cannot make her wake up by begging and pleading but you MAY wake her up by being the man that you want to be. Your actions need to be consistent.
I know I can be consistent, I just wish I knew what was working for me.
If you want...look me up on the alt.
Whats the alt?
Thank you eric.
Aces.
The only thing I can add to this is it would be helpful for you to EXPECT the rollercoaster so it won't slam you so hard every day. During this time when things are up in the air, you can go up and down every day and it feels awful. And then the next day you feel totally different. It is a very jarring and scary experience at times. That's why people here say they are working on "detaching" from their spouse's drama. They can still love their spouse and decide to be open to working on themselves and their marriages for a certain amount of time, but they have to try to get off the rollercoaster as best they can. Just knowing it is a rollercoaster can help with that. You are not crazy. It is normal. You will be angry one day, sad the next, happy the next, bitter the next, hopeful the next, and then the whole cycle repeats. !!!! Which means tomorrow always might be a happy and hopeful day. Or a bitter one. LOL.
I agree- look you read a ton of sitches- thats one of my biggest mistakes at the beginning...start to view your sitch as someone elses whom you advise...it should really help...
When I needed the most help here, I quit posting...I was running strictly on emotions...everything I did practicly sealed the fate of my M.
Its hard but like he said know what you're up against- know that you're GOING TO DO 99% of the work...pretend that you're paired up w/ the laziest most neg person at work or school for a project...dont get pissy, do the work the best you can and just get along...but work your 180s!!!
rr22, jasper. I have no intention of leaving this site even if we do not get back together. I do realize that I am on a roller coaster. I just need to make sure I keep my trap shut. Tonight however........ooooooooooohhhhh can anyone say BACKSLIDE!!!!! WOOOHOOOO Aces makes a fool of himself. Wow, did I put my entire foot in my mouth with my W. I just dove right in and started talking about our R. Honestly because she asked. But man did I take a head dive into some nice hard pavement. It's also nice that she just seems soooo happy. GRRRR.
There is no reasoning with her and I thought I had realized that but nope, nope Sure like to beat my head against a wall over and over again. I'm sure my sanity is lacking a bit. Anyways, tomorrow is a new day and I think going dim will be my best bet. I wish I could go dark but when she has to come over in the morning to watch my kids it sure makes it hard. But I will make damn sure I just keep doing my 180s and I have to get out of my damn house more often. This place is starting to close in on me. I hate this.......I would rather have a hot poker stuck against my side than endure this any longer.
Wild -
I have no intention of leaving this site even if we do not get back together.
That's good dude! Always let other know of the mistakes that you make so that they do not commit the seam ones.
Wow, did I put my entire foot in my mouth with my W. I just dove right in and started talking about our R.
Wild - I'll give some advise that someone once gave me. When W is around pour yourself a big glass of STFU!
Honestly because she asked.
So then I guess she CONTROLS you - huh...or do you really want to control yourself?
But man did I take a head dive into some nice hard pavement
Well now you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and learn from your mistake. Do not beat yourself up for this just make sure you DO NOT do it again...
It's also nice that she just seems soooo happy.
They always seem that way - but if you work on yourself you too will be happy. Trust me - you will.
There is no reasoning with her
You are right so stop trying to. Your actions will speak louder than your words.
But I will make damn sure I just keep doing my 180s
Yes keep them up and stick with them! These should also be 180s for YOU!
I have to get out of my damn house more often.
I live on the east coast if you want to go for a long drive
LMAO - kidding dude...kidding. Yes get out do something go enjoy yourself. Give yourself a little break dude.
I would rather have a hot poker stuck against my side than endure this any longer.
He will not give you more than you can bear. You can do this dude. Suck it up - man up - you can do this.
By the way the alt is facebook.
God Bless,
Eric
A big glass of STFU, Yea i need some of that does it come in powder form so I can make it where ever I go? I sometimes want to just pick my kids up and take the F off. Get away, but then I would have the long arm of the law after me.
Its funny because she doesn't see how it affects them but Jesus be with me because it is affecting my D more than we both probably realize.
She controls me? Yes, to a point she has been and that is the sad thing. I need to hike up the skirt(no offence to any ladies out there) and just man the F up. I have been visualizing the STOP sign and that funny but it works. I don't know man right now I just want to be able to detach from the sitch and be down right happy.
Please pray for me. It sunk it that W doesn't care about me anymore. Got surgery yesterday and she left upset because of R talk. Acutally I got upset and accused her of being a pitiful person who pretty much closes off and runs away when things get hard. Don't know if it was the Valum(sp) that was talking from the surgery but it more than likely wasn't. Asked her to come back to help me with our kids mainly our S2 who I cannot pick up because of the surgery.
Need to actually write down goals and things I want to see done with me. I think that is my main prob, i haven't really commited to anything but working out and keeping my kids busy. Which is next to impossible because they have the combined energy of a supernova.
Going DARK.......pray I stick to my guns.
Wild
I will dude - know that you are not alone man...you are not alone. He is always with you. Look up at Him and stop looking at her!
It sunk it that W doesn't care about me anymore.
Maybe - maybe NOT - R u in her head? Probably not so stop thinking you know what she is thinking. Ever heard of positive thinking?
Got surgery yesterday and she left upset because of R talk.
DB 101 - stop having R talk! You are shooting yourself in the foot dude - stop it.
I got upset and accused her of being a pitiful person who pretty much closes off and runs away when things get hard.
Now can you tell me how this is suppose to help your sitch?
Don't know if it was the Valum(sp) that was talking from the surgery
Yeah...blame it on the drugs...I'm sure that looks really attractive to her.
Need to actually write down goals and things I want to see done with me.
Yep - do this soon. Make them about YOU not about HER.
I think that is my main prob, i haven't really commited to anything but working out and keeping my kids busy
I did the same thing. From the kids perspective this is good but you also need to have some time for yourself. Take a day a week and have dinner with friends or just hang out with some buddies - try not to let this consume you.
Going DARK.......pray I stick to my guns.
You can do it buddy.
God Bless,
Eric
Talked to DB Coach today. Wow, it was good. Even with my backslide she said that I am doing awesome. Yes I know I have shot myself in the foot and she said what you said eric. STOP. And I will. It was great to talk to her. She was very encouraging and insightful. Hopefully I'll be going to the Nuggets game tonight so WOOOHOOO I'll actually be able to get out of the house and do something for me! And I haven't been to a nuggets game since I was in the seventh grade.
Things are looking up. Actually had non R talk with wife and we both laughed. I made her laugh a lot and it felt good. I wasn't even tempted to talk about R.
Seriously though anyone who is on the fence about calling a DB coach don't be. Just call and set that appointment. There is no way you can regret it.
Also bought the Divorce Remedy so I'm pumped about reading it.
Seriously feel good right now. Amazing how not pounding your head into pavement makes your PMA so much easier.
Going out tonight!!!!!!!!!
Hope all of you have had great weekends so far. Mine has been eh. ;-) But tonight seems like it is going to be a good one.
Last night was good. Had a great time with friends and it was much needed. To bad I didn't get any sleep last night because of my damn cold and having to wake up at 530 lol.
Today is up and down but not so up or so down. Going to the UFC fight later on. I'm rambling.
My kids had no contact with their mother yesterday. Really hurts when she does it. Didn't even call to talk to them or text to see how they were. I hope that I can be outwardly happy when I see her today. Pray that I do.
Had a conversation with W last night after we went to the fight together. Yes we went together and it was so much fun. I'm trying not to get my hopes up just taking it a day at a time.
Last night I kissed her and she said just because you took me out and spent money on me doesn't mean your getting some.
I backed away from her and I told her that I have never tried to buy her love and I never will. I know that is what it might have looked like but it wasn't what was in my mind.
she then looked at me when I sat down and she said that I was a good man. I told her not to say that, that it isn't true. She looks at me and asks why. I said because if I was a good man you would have stayed with me. Left it at that....
She then said again that I was a good man that I always have done the right thing and have always had the right intentions. I said nothing.
She then said that she was a bad person that she was F'ed up and that she doesn't know where she is in life. That she has been messed up for a long time.
I told her that Im sorry that she is feeling like that and that she is going through it alone. but that I have never wanted to change her that I never expected anything from her but love in return. That no matter what I accept her for who she is, that I am always going to be there.
It ended well...no yelling, no tears on my part. Just quiet responses and a lot of nodding.
Felt like a step in the right direction. Now what? I know that I can stay on the path and be patient. I know that my two backslides were big but it let things out that I have been bottling up. I know I am moving forward I just want to be moving for me. Not for us. I feel like if I am going to be moving forward for me ultimately the 'Us' will come along but I am trying not to make that a priority.
Getting out this entire weekend was awesome. It felt good and I have found new friends, who have been there the entire time but I just never realized it.
I honestly that I can one day post a story in the success section. I hope that you guys will continue to give me that gold like advice and encourage me to be positive and patient. I seriously have been blessed by finding this forum.
Aces.....
All I know is that I want my wife back in my life. Full time. I want her to be in the same bed as me. i want her to help me with our kids. I want to see her trying to be a better mom. It sucks because it looks as though she is fine with being a part time mom. Which for the life of me I would never be able to be a part time parent. I guess her new friends and OM are more important...
The fight night sounded good...remember baby steps, and the coaster...its not the easiest thing in the world...what she's considering is the easiest thing in the world- so you are NO DOUBT a GOOD man.
Keep PMA and doing what works...she is not all powerful and cannot determine your happiness or mood- she let you do that to her and look where she is!!
Be a great dad, and take care of yourself...
Jasper, guess i was feeling sorry for myself. It didn't help that I snooped and well saw that she made a comment on his FB page talking about a new photo of him. BLECH. Dude is douche.
I really need to stop snooping. I made a huge step today and deleted the key logger that I have on my comp and I mean deleted it. I don't even have the install file any more. I am tired of abusing myself. My patience has waned(sp) a bit this past week. I dont know why I abuse myself like that. I could make a manner of excuses but I know it is really just to torture myself. GRRRRR. Some one slap me!
I have been keeping busy with art though, I have started to sketch more and more and a friend has asked me to do some logo designs for her clothing line. Which I will get paid for. WOOOHOOO my first paying job art-wise.
Wild - stop snooping...Stop...Stop...trust me YOU ARE ONLY hurting yourself. Stop...stop...stop....
God Bless,
Eric
I know, that is why I deleted my stupid key logger. Thing has been a curse never a blessing. I happen to be really confused right now. I really want to just to go back to normal. This is a struggle and I really don't know what to do. I'm reading DR and it all sounds well and good but doing it is where I feel like I may be giving room to the OM. I don't know what to do.
God I'm in the middle of a huge F ing breakdown at work. I keep reading the DR book and I turned to the end of the book where people have written letters to M-WD and all I want is that. I so badly want my life come back together. I want to change and I want to be strong but I so desperately want my wife to be apart of it. I will never give up, I know I wont, all i can ever see is us together. I don't care about the OM I don't care about what she has done, i just want to work it out with her. I want her back. I want my family whole. I am [censored] crying at work right now all i want to do is crawl under my damn desk. Please God help me. Give me the patience to follow your will. Help me become a better man. I know I am a good man, husband and father. Open Jessica's heart to you and have her see the mistake she is making.
Right now you really just need to focus on you dude. You really cannot control anything that she does. Become someone that you would never want to leave. Become that man. I know you can do it. If you stop focusing on her and focus on you you will become this person. Do not make the mistake that I made by confronting her. You do not want her back this way - you want her to love you for you. Now go be the best guy you can be.
God Bless,
Eric
I already feel like I was that man, yes I made the mistake of not taking her out enough. But I was a good father, I am a strong willed person, and driven. I know what I want but I know I have to pay my dues to get where I want to be professionally. Right now, I'm low and I dont know if it is because I read the success stories(which before today were helping) or if I just need to step off this bound for hell ride.
I have no intention of confronting her. I know it wont work. My glass of STFU has been drained and refilled these past 7 days. Since our last confrontation. Eric I just see her and all I want is to be able to touch her and hold her. It is killing me. My daughters 7th birthday was yesterday and during singing Happy B-day to you to her I almost cried because I got it in my head that it could be the last birthday she has with my wife and I. I tried faking being happy but she saw right through it and she asked me what was wrong but I just kept my mouth shut. But she knew something was wrong, and asked me what was wrong multiple times.
.....
I did the same thing at Christmas, W begged to have a nice Christmas...I went outside and saw all the families to together, saw generations of a family walking around the block w/ strollers, and I broke down...begged and cried and ruined Christmas- possibly the last one I would have w/ W...
You are a good man...remember everything from here is opposite of what you think/feel you should do...keep having faith, but like Eric said, save yourself- you are thinking clearly, W is not...you are the rock- be the man she will regret leaving if she does...good job deleting the keylogger-
Wild
I just need to step off this bound for hell ride.
Yes step off - detach. Trust me it is hard and quite honestly I am no where near where I need to be but keep at it. Keep at it.
I have no intention of confronting her. I know it wont work.
No it won't work. Trust me I did it and did it the wrong way. Stick with the STFU approach. You will save yourself a lot of grief.
Eric I just see her and all I want is to be able to touch her and hold her. It is killing me.
I go thru the same thing buddy. It kills me too but when I was able to detach for a day or two I did feel better. By the way it may feel like it is killing you know but what does not kill you makes you STRONGER - just remember that.
I tried faking being happy but she saw right through it and she asked me what was wrong but I just kept my mouth shut. But she knew something was wrong, and asked me what was wrong multiple times
I've done and still do the same so I get it buddy. All you can do IMO is try and find things that make YOU truly happy. You cannot control what she does but you can control you.
Keep your head up man - you will get thru this.
God Bless,
Eric
Jasper and Eric, I am doing better today. With both of you giving me advice and going to see my C it is all getting better. I'm digging myself out of the hole I stepped in. I am keeping my head up and I just have to keep telling myself that I am a good man I am a good husband and father. This sitch I'm in isn't all my fault and I'm not the one that has walked away from it. I know that I can have the patience that is required and then some. It helps that I am here and letting some steam go. I cant thank you two enough the support you have given me is more than I can ask.
Thank you thank you thank you
Wild Cat:
Those two dude were giving you sage advice. I feel exactly how you do and experienced the birthday thing and thought the exact thing for my 10 year old and when she asked what was the matter i thought are you insane , you know exactly whats the matter if you had any heart at all- I have been going thorough this for 3 months and when you detach, it helps you and keeps her curious.
`Stop torturing yourself about what she is doing , that will drive you nuts and gives her power. I used to try and invision her with an OM so that if does happen i will be desensitized but that is not a good strategy. The best is to focus on yourself and children. I went on a trip with my kids for the march break and we had a blast and she called every day and had a meltdown towards the end of the week because she felt left out.
Hang in there man! Time is the doctor
Thing is there is OM so that just pisses me off. All I can hope is that he proves to be the douche bag he is and she realizes she is down a path that is not only destructive to her but our children. But here I go hoping that she'll change. Effing stupid grrrr roar....pffft.... I've been doing fine. I will do fine. And I will continue down my path without her. I know my children will always have me to look up to. I know that I am becoming better than I was each and every day and I know that she will see what I become and regret it. Because I am fricken awesome!!!
I will get to all of my goals and I will make sure my kids are fed, healthy, and taken care of.
I will always be there for my W. I will always love her. Unfortunatly she knows this and it is BS. I can't help how I feel. I know love is a choice but I choose to love her. Not love her through me but through God because his love is perfect. And if she can't see it than I just feel sorry for her.
I'm done
Aces
I hear you loud and clear- I dont know why my love for W hasn't been depleted yet...it seems as though I love her more than I love myself and that's just wrong.
I know that we LBS's tend to romanticize the R and that we also blame ourselves for a lot- so thats the key- to understand that yes we know our parts and are willing to address them w/ or w/o WAS.
It is effing tough, especially w/ OM in the pic.
He will prove himself to be a douche.
I have to share this...
I am not exaggerating this- since high school I've had 3 LT R's...each one, after we broke up- M'd the next person they were w/...there was also one short term R where that happened as well.
Two of the four are miserable w/ their H's...
I thought my luck had changed when I M'd- I thought that there would be second chances and TIME...
You are not alone, there is alot of ugliness out there, and OP are often highly selfish.
Be the better man, the better option...you are fortunate b/c you have a child w/ W...you are forever in her life- and being the best you can be for you is essential, but being the best Dad you can be is going to help you more than anything else.
Hope my story doesnt rub you he wrong way- obv that's what I fear in my sitch- I should not project, but I am 4 for 4...
jasper, didn't rub me in the wrong way at all. My R with W is the longest relationship I've ever been in. She says she wants to be single and not have to have someone ask "where are you" when are you coming home" "how much money did you spend"
Yea I was like that but not until the end. Basically she wants to be selfish as hell and just do what she wants. She says what are you going to do when I meet someone else. I tell her that she doesn't know that I could be that someone else. That her and I will end up together. She says it irriates her that I am so confident that we will get back together. I say I'm sorry but I know I'll never give up. That it isn't just about her and I but about our kids and how they deserve the best. She says how is it good that if we stay together and one of us is happy but the other isn't. that the kids will notice. I say things change and I know that I can make you happy.....long story short we talked about the R. but i didn't bring it up she did. And I kept most of my answers short. There were somethings I could have not said, but mostly I just listened to her.
I know that I will fight for her, I know that it will take time. I know that during this whole game, I can make myself a better man and if this doesn't work out I will be better, but man I would love to be better with her next to me as my wife.
Wild
She says she wants to be single and not have to have someone ask "where are you" when are you coming home" "how much money did you spend"
Mine has said some similiar things. Realize what she IS saying and make sure that you do not do the things that piss her off.
I tell her that she doesn't know that I could be that someone else. That her and I will end up together.
Maybe you should stop saying these things to her. Why...
She says it irriates her that I am so confident that we will get back together.
You see you are pissing her off. Give her the space she needs and just back off.
can make myself a better man
Yes you can. Do not make the same mistakes I made buddy. Do not push...do not push...
Your doing pretty good Wild.
God Bless,
Eric
Mine has said some similiar things. Realize what she IS saying and make sure that you do not do the things that piss her off.
Yea I don't, I don't even ask about if she has been paying her bills or how much money she spends. I dont ask where she went on the weekend. I've even gone as far as not even asking what plans she has. Mainly cause I already know. Wednesday, go to the bar, Friday, go the club, Saturday, go to the club.....lol what a booring life.
I really haven't asked her anything unless she offers it up herself.
yea after yestderday I have decided that since I know that her and I will eventually end up together anyways. I don't need to let her know. It just confuses me because she says I'm a good man, I am a good husband and father than why is she planning on meeting someone else? Makes me want to smack her on the back of the head. "Everything I tell you is a lie. Every question I ask is a trick. You will find no truth in me."
I really need to sit down and figure out what is working for me and what isn't. I just don't know. It seems like she wants to come over and be with us, but then she still leaves. I have no idea what I should be doing. Going dim, doing LRT, I have been GALing I've been doing 180s. but she seems so determined to not to be married. I just want to protect my kids. I don't want them to be hurt and I know they already are.
BAH I SAY BAH!!!
Jasper,
I know that we LBS's tend to romanticize the R and that we also blame ourselves for a lot- so thats the key- to understand that yes we know our parts and are willing to address them w/ or w/o WAS.
I have stopped blamming myself. I know what I did, but I also know that I am a good man. Im done feeling sorry for myself and I don't want her to feel sorry for me either. It doesn't help that I am a hopeless romantic. That I pretty much see us working through all things together and not divorcing. I like the steps I've made for myself so far. I just need to make sure my PMA is up everyday. It has been hard. especially when she leaves, it really affects me. And she knows it.
Any of you have any ideas for goals? Or what to do to find out what is working? I'm at a loss
Or what to do to find out what is working? I'm at a loss
When you can wake up in the morning, be confident in your shoes and with the reflection staring you back in the mirror and say with pride, "I've done all that I can do to change the situation and can do no more", that's when you know it's working.
I agree w/ the above.
I also agree w/ Eric- I know that your saying "i know we'll end up together" is confident, but remember, she doesn't want that right now- you're only reminding her of that.
It's OK to say that stuff while happily looking into the mirror...but WAS is a diff story...you say things like that and she'll feel the cage getting smaller.
I kinda feel the same way in my sitch- I'm embarrassed to say- I just prayed to W's late father and brother- to bring W back to the M, to let her "want" it again...
The LBS in me fights me and says, "what if W will be happier w/ OM, what if this is fate and she escaped a bad M to find true happiness?"
UGH- can you tell that I hate myself a little...or that I LOVE self fulfilling prophecies?
Anyway- that's my advice as to what doesn't work- like Eric said- listen to her...we always here dont believe anything they say, but similarly, when she says what irritates her- LISTEN to THAT.
Confidence is good- but you need to confidently display a sense of loss to WAW- not self-assured I have you forever...that will push her further away- she is flighty, negative, and selfishly seeking freedom.
Counter intuative, but the name of the game
Thank you Jasper, dday and eric. I don't want to push but dammit it is frustrating.
I really don't know what to do when she says "I want to be single" but then mentions meeting other people in the next sentence.
Anyways, a steady PMA is my goal for today. That and my kids start swimming lessons today!!!
Wild
First off, thank you for your prayers. I truly needed them. It has been pretty dark for me the past few days.
Enough about me...let's get to you buddy.
I have stopped blamming myself.
Good! You could do this until the cows come home but it will do no good.
I really don't know what to do when she says "I want to be single"
Give her exactly that then. Let her have a taste of that life she thinks is so great. Seems like a crap-shoot, yes, but as the saying goes, if you love something, set it free, it it loves you, it will come back. Then you know.
Dday, she is already free, she lives with a girl friend. She goes out when ever she wants, and spends her money on herself. do you think I should just file for divorce and just be done with it? This is where I come at an impass. I don't believe in divorce, I don't think it is the right choice but I go back and forth with it in my head endlessly. I dont want to be divorced. I don't want to be single. I know what she wants but how far should I go to give it to her?
Eric, the prayers will always come man. I have a lot of them to give. I read your thread and I truly don't know how you muster the ability to give me advice when you are treading in deeper water than me. You are a good man eric. I am blessed to have you take the time to give me advice
No, I am not proposing you file. Let her be, as hard as it may be to do. The goal right now is for you to achieve stability in YOUR life. There's nothing you can do about hers. You can't figure it out for her and you can't change where she's gotten herself at the moment.
You know like any other perplexing, puzzling task: the more you dauntly try to solve it, the more frustrated and less focused you become. Then you walk away from it for a bit, look again, and the answer was right there the whole time.
The bonus is, you go about your life to the best of your ability without (as hard as it may be) waisintg all your time and energy on this. Your W will see that and question, why does he get to happy? Why aren't I?
Wild
I dont want to be divorced. I don't want to be single.
If YOU feel this way..why then would you consider...
should just file for divorce
The reality is that you may believe deep down inside you that by filing you will "wake her up". Look deep down in you and you will see why you are considering filing..I've made this mistake buddy. I pushed and boy did it come back and bite me in the as*. Stop looking at her - stop it! Look at your kids...look at you - really work on you and I mean really work on you. You can only do this once you stop looking at her. Let her sail in the wind buddy. You cannot control her so don't try.
how far should I go to give it to her
How far would she give you? You expect her to see changes and accept you NOW but R u willing to give her the time she needs?
You don't want to file - you believe that you are going to get back together, then why file. Be kind, be gentle, control your emotions. Pray, but my friend do not file. Your not ready yet. You'll know when the time is right. Please DO NOT make the same mistakes I have made.
God bless,
Eric
The bonus is, you go about your life to the best of your ability without (as hard as it may be) waisintg all your time and energy on this. Your W will see that and question, why does he get to happy? Why aren't I?
dday, seriously you couldn't have picked better words. Because as of right now I see my W and ask why does she get to be happy?
This is tough being honest with myself. But I have been lying to myself before this. yes I have been working on myself and I have been doing things to keep my occupide but I'm not happy. I curled into a ball on the couch last night crying and asking God to just bring her back to me. I felt pathetic but it was true words and emotion, it wasn't me keeping anything in. I was truly asking for what I wanted. I feel better today but i am still digging out of the hole I created for myself.
Leaving her alone is easier said then done but i'm sure I can figure out what to do in order to make it easier on myself. I really do need to start being absent when she comes to the house on the weekends.
Its crappy because when i was in the military I went overseas for months at a time and my love and fondness for her never deminished, and it doesn't seem to be now. Even though she is being a crappy and selfish person.
I need prayer. lol
Eric, wow thank you
You don't want to file - you believe that you are going to get back together, then why file. Be kind, be gentle, control your emotions. Pray, but my friend do not file. Your not ready yet. You'll know when the time is right. Please DO NOT make the same mistakes I have made.
I don't want to file. I never had. Even when she was at her worst drinking every night and popping pills I never wanted her to leave. yeah I may have said things to myself like I wish she would just take off but honestly never ment them.
One thing that always got me through the hard times and through bad arguments(which were few) is that I would imagine the last thing I said to her and then what if I or her got into a car accident do i really want the last thing I said to her be what I remember. I never wanted to leave bad feelings between us. I was always I fixer, that is one that I truly need to just back off from. GOD I love her and it drives me nuts. But eric thank you. I truly don't want to file. I just need to really back off and give her the space she needs.
Thank you,
Aces..
Wild
With this space that you are willing to give I would take some time to think about some of the issues that you brought to the M. More often than not, we think we changed them in a few months but the reality is that change takes time. Take this time. Give her this time. You will be alright buddy. I really believe that you have a shot here. A couple of pointer that I cannot stress enough...
1) Do not push
2) Think before you speak
3) Change how you look at things
4) Don't pull out the crystal ball and think you know what the future holds cause ya don't.
5) Keep drinking the big glass of STFU
6) Keep your realtionship with God tight
7) Keep your emotions in check. You may feel one way today but another way tomorrow.
8) Enjoy your kids
9) Be gentle on yourself
10) Find something that you really want to do for YOU and do it.
Finally, you want...friend me on the alt (FB).
FTR - your doing really well my friend.. really well.
God Bless,
Eric
You can find me on the alt as well...
Everything Eric said is spot on...I too thought I should just file- I will not though, b/c all avenues have not yet been exhausted...I would only file IF we went to Retrou, had a serious committment from W w/ intensive FT and books, etc...and after 1 year it didn't work...maybe I would file...
In the meantime- I am getting used to meeting my own needs, I am slowly turning the other way...it's been 7 days NC- W called this morning and I did not answer nor return her call.
I am not waiting on her...
But somedays I am...
Eric stressed your R w/ God- I dont know your history- I for one am Jewish, but went to Catholic school years ago...I Googled, prayers for the wayward spouse and printed them...I will say them day and night and know that the rest is up to God...
My love for W means something to me- I have NEVER felt this way before, nor have I ever been so selfless...it HAS to mean something.
And even if it doesnt turn out the way I would like- I have made the ultimate sacrifice- putting my needs aside and loving despite the hurt I have been shown...UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
I know you have the same...hang in there and be the best dad you can be.
We are all here for you
Jasper and eric,
Thank you for both or your posts I really need the boost. I ask God every night to have me love her through him. I do not want a divorce. I want to be able to say that I have tried everything in order to keep us together. It is impossible for us to have no contact but I know that I can do other things in order to work on myself.
It is crazy because last night we were all eating dinner. I've started to cook more because I want my kids and I to eat together and not in front of a tv. I've started to set the table for four, and if my W wants to eat with us she can but if she doesn't she doesn't. Anyways, after dinner and then watching the kids play outside for a while my W says she is going to leave, I say ok have a good night. We hug and then she backs away and says I love you, with no hesitation or anything. To me it was like getting hit with cold water. I backed away a bit futher and asked but do you mean it like I mean it. She says in a whisper that it slipped.....WTF? I didn't know what to do. I feel like I should have just said it back but I know that if I did it would have just hurt me. I'm trying to take it slowly. I don't know if this is a good sign or if she was just testing me. I don't want to read into it .
On the awesome side my kids started swimming lessons and I think I'll have two little fishes on my hands. Which is cool because I'm going to have them out at a pool this entire summer.
My PMA is doing good. I'm not pushing and I'll just have to continue to keep going along the lines of detaching. I would like to know what it is like when i can go out with my kids or myself and not think about her at all. I really just want to be happy.
Cant find you guys on alt...I guess i'm a rutard
I have to say to you guys that it is truly a blessing that I found this board. I would be a complete and utter mess if I didn't. I'm so thankful to God that he shoved me in this direction and put you guys in my life.
Though things can be up and down and I wont have a great day or even a good day most of the time. I can rejoice in the fact that I have people that care about me, that I care about them and that we are all there for eachother.
Wild
Remember take kindness for just that kindness. Do not look too much into things. You guys have kids so you will need to communicate on some level. You will probably always love her but right now you just need to stay focused on detaching. Why? Cause no one call tell you what she is going to do. No one.
The one thing that you do have are your kids. Enjoy this time with them. Let your W be as she is...just enjoy the kids.
"Though things can be up and down and I wont have a great day or even a good day most of the time."
Work on having a good day most of the time. It's probably going to take some time but just keep working at it.
I'm glad that Jasper and I have been able to help. We are all in this together buddy. Your not alone.
In terms of the alt, you can find me under first name Eric second name Sant.
God Bless,
Eric
Eric,
I am trying to take kindness for kindness, I just sorta flubbed it yesterday. I should have just said it back and left it at that but I decided to go into it and ask her if it ment the same thing to her as it does to me. Anyways moving on from it. I know what to do know if it happens again. I just didn't ever expect it ya know?
The crystal ball is being shelved...lol I hope it gathers dust and quickly.
I know that I can anticipate certian events and how to handle them, i just need to not dwell on them happening or not.
I'm working on have good days. I just need to take it a day at a time instead of self-fulfilling each days days ahead. I got so many things that I want to do I just need to take one down each day instead of trying to do them all at once or say that I am going to because then i don't end up doing any thing.
Do you think I should stop doing the dinner thing? Or should I just not set a place for her and have dinner made and the kids and I eating when she shows up after work?
Wild
I just sorta flubbed it yesterday
It happens dude - so don't beat yourself up about it. Try and learn from it and make sure you do not keep repeating the same mistakes.
The crystal ball is being shelved
Good it really does not good to keep it out in the open.
I just need to take one down each day instead of trying to do them all at once or say that I am going to because then i don't end up doing any thing.
Very Good buddy - very good.
Do you think I should stop doing the dinner thing? Or should I just not set a place for her and have dinner made and the kids and I eating when she shows up after work?
I am not sure I should tell you what to do so I'll tell you what I would do instead...Since I want to be a very nice and kind person I would continue to set out the plate for her just do not expect anything from her. This is gonna be hard but you can do it. If she sits down and eats - great - if not - great. Another opition could be to set aside a plate for her and eat when you and the kids feel like it. Just remember...think of how she may interpret your actions. She may look at this as some sort of guilt treatment or preasure.
Your doing good buddy.
Eric
I am not sure I should tell you what to do so I'll tell you what I would do instead...Since I want to be a very nice and kind person I would continue to set out the plate for her just do not expect anything from her. This is gonna be hard but you can do it. If she sits down and eats - great - if not - great. Another opition could be to set aside a plate for her and eat when you and the kids feel like it. Just remember...think of how she may interpret your actions. She may look at this as some sort of guilt treatment or preasure.
Thanks for your insight. And I have the right mindset since I decided that I was going to be come more active and cook each night. I have it that I don't expect anything from her. I do hope that she'll at least sit down and talk to the kids. I just need to make sure that I am active in the conversation and not looking like my dog got run over. I've been doing good at it so far.
Now I just need my glass of STFU and I'll be good for today.
Thanks Eric, i feel like I'm on a healthy but wobbly path.
Aces.
ecpectations of a WAS, is the root of all evil to a LBS.
dday
"Everything I tell you is a lie. Every question I ask is a trick. You will find no truth in me."
Pretty much the out look that I have when she talks to me. Or lack there of. Because I still end up talking more than her. Another goal of mine.
lol...funny how we all know the way of the sitch, but have such difficulty navigating our own...
I know I'm guilty!
Its easier to not have emotion envolved when it is another persons sitch. At least that is the was I feel. It would be nice to be able to have no emotion and completely detach, but almost impossible because you still have love or some type of feelings towards your spouse.
I can see why people have said they would rather shite razor wire than ever get divorced again.
Wish my wife was feeling an ounce of what I am. It would be nice if the tables shifted for just one day. Alas I know that isn't going to happen.
Going to IC tomorrow hopefully i will be able to get a lot off of my chest and get some insight as to how to detach. I'm fricken tired. Just plain and simple tired. Tomorrow is Friday for me though woohooo!!!!
I'm going to rant.....it could get lengthy dont mind me I just type faster than I write and I have no other outlet right now.....
I honestly dont feel good right now. I've been keeping busy and doing things that I want to do but each time I see her I feel as though my heart is being ripped out. I'm dying inside and I see how my daughter is being affected by this. She stole the neighbors puppy yesterday!!! I don't know what to do any more. I wish I could just pick the f up and get away. I want to be away from her I want her to just leave me and my kids alone for a while. I love her more than I can express but if that doesn't matter how will it ever? If she sees no value in us(i mean our entire family) how will she ever? I'm so unbelievably tired. My son has started to not sleep through the night, my daughter is becoming a clepto and I'm just a wreck. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm doing a good job and that I am on the right track but I don't even see a track I just see a sinking hole. I feel as though everything is being ripped from my hands and soul and I just dont know what to do.
I want my heart to be free of these bonds that have it so tightly wrapped. I want to be happy. I don't want to be lonely anymore. The worst time for me is when I put my kids down for the night. I usually stay up for about another hour or so but that hour is defined by utter loss and grief.
I'm tired of being closed up and not being able to say what I want to say. I want to destroy every picture I have of us together and just get rid of everything that will remind me of her, then at the same time I don't.
I've felt loss and felt grief, anger, frustration everything. I just didn't know I had the capacity to feel all of them at the same time.
I wish none of us were here.
Wild
My friend it is okay to rant - just do not rant at her or internalize it. You need to let it out...so keep ranting..
I honestly dont feel good right now.
So then what can you do to feel better. Better about you and your kids.
but each time I see her I feel as though my heart is being ripped out.
I spent a few days not looking at her - literally, I did not even look at her body or her face. I actually felt better after I did that. Try it maybe it will work. Or better yet - think about how God must feel when he looks at us. I am not saying that you need to be Him but maybe try and look at her with some compassion. Why? so that YOU can feel better.
I want my heart to be free of these bonds that have it so tightly wrapped.
Then let go of her...let her go buddy. She just may come back if you let go.
Alright so after a quick prayer which I sorta paused I am feeling a little bit better. I stepped off the coaster and I'm a little more grounded, and not so overwhelmed.
Wife avoided us last night, had to call her because of my D's theft, trying to get her to take some responsibility, other than taking them to the mall to play at the park and visit OM at his workplace. LOL who the hell steals a puppy? Man I don't know what is going on but the more I think about it, it is just comical. I'm sure people walk by me and see that I'm just ready to explode.
I'm going to go rent mystery men tonight. Mr. Enferno is awesome.
Then let go of her...let her go buddy. She just may come back if you let go.
How when she is, was everything to me. Man, if I don't come out of this stronger then there is something seriously wrong with me.
How do you let go of something that you promised your life to?
I picture myself as a raccoon that found a piece of metal stuck in a tree. Its so shiny and dammit I want it so I wont let it go and I end up getting trapped. Help me out of this trap.
Brace for impact.
[How when she is, was everything to me.
So you were absolutely NOTHING before her? Attractive, how did you manage to get the woman's attention then? Let alone want to marry a Mr. Nothing?
How do you let go of something that you promised your life to?
I think I finally attained this when I decided my wife was dead. Essentially, she was, emotionally dead. If someone is on the verge of death are you one of those types who makes them suffer on life support for your own greed of keeping them around?
I picture myself as a raccoon that found a piece of metal stuck in a tree. Its so shiny and dammit I want it so I wont let it go and I end up getting trapped. Help me out of this trap.
Bad analogy, a racoon is a crafty and determined little critter and will back off when approached, yet return when the situation is more promissing.
dday- I like what you say about being on life support- that is a good way to look at it...sadly- at this point I do selfishly want to keep W around...
I'm sure that will change- again good point about them being emotionally dead...def the way to look at it.
My dad tells me to think of W as being dead, that that's the only way to go about healing...it is hard though, knowing that she's not and that I may see her on the ave. or at a red light...
Hard to fathom someone just being a ghost- a living memory...but that is the reality.
I thank you for that analogy, hopefully I can trick myself into believing it.
dday, I said she is everything to me I didn't mean she defines who I am. Though I think I see where you're coming from. It was a lofty 6x6 I'm chewing on it. It is hard to imagine her being dead but again you make an excelent point.
I don't really know what else to say right now I need to think about what you said for a while.
LOL, sorry, 2x4 are not what they used to be so I go beefier.
I prefer the 'dead' approach versus the whole "my WAS is an alien" hub-bub. Although a WAS is not thinking clearly, it's not fair to flat out insult and decimate them as such.
Wild / Jasper
I too have finally accpeted that the women I fell in love with is dead. She died. I now must grieve and then move forward.
The key is to accept that the old M is really dead. Kaptuz - over. That does not mean that you cannot start a new M or R with your W but want you need to do is let her go. Let go of the damn leash. She knows you love her - trust me she does..right now she is not sure how she feel about you. So if you let go and let God you just may have an opportunity to win her back but no one except God know if that will happen.
Have you thought that maybe you may Idolize your W too much...
refer to paslm 24 3 - 4
In short, who can ascend to the hill of the Lord? Thos with a clean heart and hand and who do not WORSHIP IDOLS !
God Bless,
Eric
ericmsant2,
Sometimes this is what it is. You may end up with a new relationship with your spouse, but she may have grew into someone who cannot like you and you cannot like them.
This happens. I hope it works out.
Thinking of my wife as dead, yeah i'm not there right now and probably wont be for a while. I can however remain upbeat and act as if.
I've given it all to God. It is out of my hands. I know how to act now. I've read about 10 different books, all of them saying the same thing just in a different way. I'm working on myself and taking care of my kids. I want my marriage to work out, and I know I can trust that Gods path for me will be one that I am going to be healthy and happy. I know I will always love my wife and I will always want to take care of her. But I'm what is important right now. I want to be a better person for my two kids.
Dammit I had a good weekend. I took my wife out to dinner and for the first time since we split up I felt like she was actually Talking to me. I felt like she had opened up to me and I have been thanking God for it every moment it pops into my head.
She still thinks that she did nothing wrong by getting involved with OM, but honestly I don't even care about it. I just want us to be together. I'm not vindictive I don't have the ability to hold a grudge against her.
I get all kinds of mixed emotions but now I know what to expect from them and I can step off from it and concentrate on something that will put a smile on my face(like my daughter stealing the neighbors puppy).
One of the things that bothers me is that I can be fine when she is gone. I do think of her but I don't have the heart ache for her, or it isn't as strong. But when she comes over I just want to be near her. I want to touch her and hold her. Kiss her.
Reading and reading. seems like that is all I do.
I went to the school I want to apply for and toured it. I want to go there. It looks like I could learn alot from there and I can develop my skills as an artist and an illustrator. I hope that I'll be able to find a job that will work with schedule. Having the kids is great, but I never imagined what life would be like as a single parent, I wish that my W would help me more with them its almost like she is a glorified babysitter. I'm lucky to have my parents around to take them every once and a while because there are times where i just have to go into my room and close the door.
Read 5 love languages. Was really bummed out about it. But got over it quicker because now I know what to do.
W has been flirting with me more and more. Don't know if it is because OM is out. Yeah she realized he is a huge douche. I wanted to be like I told ya. But i just validated and listened.
Good things good things
Father in heaven thank you for the tiniest of steps forward. Let me continue to trust in you and have faith in your plan for me.
Amen
Wild / Jasper
I too have finally accpeted that the women I fell in love with is dead. She died. I now must grieve and then move forward.
The key is to accept that the old M is really dead. Kaptuz - over. That does not mean that you cannot start a new M or R with your W but want you need to do is let her go. Let go of the damn leash. She knows you love her - trust me she does..right now she is not sure how she feel about you. So if you let go and let God you just may have an opportunity to win her back but no one except God know if that will happen.
Eric, one of the things that I have realized weeks ago is that my old marriage is dead. And why would I want to go back to it anyways? I would be crazy. I was misarable. Thinking my wife is dead on the other hand is tougher because we are getting along. Yes, I know that if we do get into an argument at it turns out bad things could get way worse. It has been my stand point since she left that I will make every effort for her to feel safe and comfortable in my house. The hardest thing for anyone is to admit that they were wrong and to change what they have done. I know what I did wrong I am making my changes. I have asked God to forgive me for my sins. Do I still get feelings of guilt and sorrow? yes I'm human but at least I'm no longer dwelling on it. I'm not living in the past, just today. For the rest of my life today.
Gods plan for me is one where I'll never be able to see the whole picture. But with faith in him I know that I'll be more open to the nudges, hints, and glimpses he sends my way.
I'm growing for my children because I want to be the supreme example for them. I want them to know about my mistakes and what do to to prevent them.
Aces.....
Wild -
God Bless you...from your post you are sounding GREAT!
one of the things that I have realized weeks ago is that my old marriage is dead
This is good. When I refer to my wife as being dead I am talking about the M and about some of the great qualities that she had or still has but are covered with her MLC crisis. I do not believe that she as a person has died but our M and some of her quality no longer exist. But yes I still love her and still stand for my M.
Yes, I know that if we do get into an argument at it turns out bad things could get way worse.
Hopefully you are not getting in R arguments since you should not be bring up your R. Right
The hardest thing for anyone is to admit that they were wrong and to change what they have done.
yes hard especially for an MLCer but NOT impossible so keep up the hope.
I know what I did wrong I am making my changes.
This is a good place to be right now...
I have asked God to forgive me for my sins.
He is just and able to forgive us of all of our sins buddy.
Do I still get feelings of guilt and sorrow? yes I'm human but at least I'm no longer dwelling on it. I'm not living in the past, just today. For the rest of my life today.
Another good place to be. You may find that the guilt and sorrow returns from time to time but DO NOT beat yourself up. Try thought stopping. Once the thought comes into your mind - change your thoughts to something positive. If you are feeling angry though find a way to let it out just not at her. Trust me I've made that mistake more than once.
I'm growing for my children
and for yourself...
because I want to be the supreme example for them.
and to yourself! And to other people who will look at you and say WOW - what a man of character!
You are doing really well man...really well.. Keep it up...
God Bless,
Eric
Hopefully you are not getting in R arguments since you should not be bring up your R. Right
Exactly right. I haven't brought up our R in a long time. Since we got into it after my surgery. She did bring it up or rather her R with OM and how it is over. I honestly don't like going down the path of our R. because I know her answer is going to be I need time. Fine then time you'll get you selfish, apahdfiaopwh!!!
Another good place to be. You may find that the guilt and sorrow returns from time to time but DO NOT beat yourself up. Try thought stopping. Once the thought comes into your mind - change your thoughts to something positive. If you are feeling angry though find a way to let it out just not at her. Trust me I've made that mistake more than once.
I have been thought stopping like a mad man. I have a lot to focus on now, and that is me getting back into school. So thought stopping is coming easier to me.
All in all I'm doing good. I don't know what tomorrow holds for me and I find that I'm not worried about it. God has given me an incredible gift and that is one to speak softly and listen. I've been like that since I was 16 years old. So whatever may come from my W. I know I can deal with it accordingly.
"Today is the best day to live"
ACES!!!!!
Wild
BTW how old are you, the kids, W?
Fine then time you'll get you selfish, apahdfiaopwh!!
LMAO! I'm trying to do the same dude. At least you get some degree of honesty. I get lies...actually now that I think about it I think the honesty would hurt just as much.
Look buddy you are getting time with her right now. Use this time to show her the man that you have become.
God Bless,
Eric
Look buddy you are getting time with her right now. Use this time to show her the man that you have become.
Eric, I know this, I so know this. I ask her to go to dinner and do things she does, so maybe "the wall" isn't as tough as she puts off. I get to be my funny charming self and I soak it up. Patience is my answer and I'm using it to my full ability. It helps that i have friends who want me to succed and have been pushing me in other areas of my life. I also soak that up. Nothing can destroy yourself worth more than wife walking away. I'm just lucky I found this site when i did and quickly started to put hard work into it.
Reading books and getting out and GALing is truly the key. It helps that my daughter is probably the coolest kid on earth and gives me the best hugs ever(even though she has sticky fingers and likes to steal live animals) lol
Thanks eric
Aces
Eric,
Didn't notice your first question till now...
I'm 29, W27 D7 and S2
29 starting to feel like 23 again, now that Im working out. HEHE
Eric tried to find you on alt....there is like 5 of you....are you a clone? lol
Wasnt sure which one so can ya help me out?
Wild -
Look for ericm sant on the alt. You will see a profile picture of me and my D. Orange shirt I believe.
God Bless,
Eric
Alright, Hows things going Eric?
Wild,
Things are going pretty good. I am sitting back right now and just trying to help others. Leaving everything in God's hands, working on healing, totally focused on detaching, doing some more self reflection. I feel good dude. I know that nothing I do will change Her. I know that I cannot control another human being, I know that only God can fix this, I know that I love her but must let her go, I know that whatever happens I will be okay, I know that everything I am feeling is normal, I KNOW that one day she will come back and at a minimum appologize. So I am in a good place. I take any positive interaction as just that a positive interaction. I accept the things that I cannot change and change the things that I can.
I am enjoying my kids so life is good. Do I get lonely sometimes? Yep, but God has been faithful to me. Amen for that.
God Bless,
Eric
I am enjoying my kids so life is good. Do I get lonely sometimes? Yep, but God has been faithful to me. Amen for that.
Sounds like me man, looks like you have gotten to a better place. Amen to that.
I KNOW that one day she will come back and at a minimum appologize.
When the time comes, which I'm sure it will. Please with all of your heart forgive her. Let God be the judge, but you can forgive. I know that right now it is probably impossible for you to do so, which is good. But when the time comes be ready to accept the apology.
Eric you are a good man, God will be taking care of you. I pray for you and your family, and will start doing so on a regular basis.
Went to C last night. Told her about my weekend, dinner with W. And then a club with friends. Then I went into how I snooped(I know I know) I shouldn't have and my C says that I am trying to sabatouge myself. Which when thinking about it I am, I really am. I feel like I have been working over time. Getting myself right, being with the kids, and then DBing and all sorts of other crap. So I snoop and I read these emails and I find myself saying that I'm ready to be done, I want her to just dissappear.
Good thing I went to C. She set me straight, helped me to
re-realize that what I did was only hurting myself.
Anyways, back on the wagon or off on new tracks...lol Ready to not be an idiot.
Pray for me, I need it
Wild
Thanks for the words of encourgement. In terms of forgivness - I actually do forgive her (cause He forgives me) and continue to work on "true forgivness".
Then I went into how I snooped(I know I know) I shouldn't have and my C says that I am trying to sabatouge myself.
Dude I cannot stress how important it is NOT to snoop. Trust me buddy - no good will come of this. NONE. Assuming you get caught you will be percived as controlling and maniplulative - so please stop it NOW. Read my threads...you'll see the pain that I caused myself snooping, you'll see the consequences of snooping - please buddy stop...please.
I
read these emails and I find myself saying that I'm ready to be done, I want her to just dissappear
Yep - you snoop and then you think that you are done when you really are not. Another fallout of snooping. Oh...did I say stop snooping yet
I pray for you and a few others every night.
Keep your head...keep doing what is working...and please....stop snooping!
God Bless,
Eric
Keeping my head, not listening to my heart which tells me to snoop every damn second.
Thanks for the Prayers
Aces
Wife asked me tonight if I ever felt like giving up...I say no, and if the thought enters my head I pray about it. I then ask her if she ever feels like coming back....treading water right here.....she says yes, when she is lonely but that she doesn't want to come back because of a reason like that but because she...wait for it...."feels" in love with me. Damnit, I wish she would understand that love isn't a effing feeling. Anyways I left it at that we chilled. She left at 7 like normal.
TRUCKIN ON!!!!!!
My C, feels like I should be actively asking my wife out on dates, she says this because a week ago my wife and i were sitting down on the couch and she had a migrane(sp) and i was rubbing the space between her thumb and first finger, it is supposed to relieve pressure on your head. Anyways after words she gets up to leave and she says I love you, no hesitation just I love you but I fumbled the ball and didn't say it back, i didn't dwell on it too much just moved on. My C says that this is a sign or signal that she wants me to presue her. Where as here with a WAW we are told that we shouldn't persue the W, that it will only make them move further away. I know each sitch is in its most basic form are the same, but with me I seem to be getting a postive reaction from taking her out and filling her love tank, which is quality time.
I just don't know if maybe my patience is wearing thin. we have been seperated since Feb 18th. I want to do things with her but with out pressuring her. Which I don't bring up our R or M, I just talk about our kids and other everyday things.
Can anyone give me advice as to what I can to do not rush it but show her that I have interest, that I want us to work but I am willing to give her the time and space. Sandi, Prairie Girl?
Anyone who can give me some smidge of advice, or insight as to where her head is at?
I don't want to doubt my C, because well she is good but I am getting conflicting advice.
HELP
Wild -
These are just my opinions so I would definately wait until you hear back from a few of the other wise dber's.
First off, from your post you have been trying to give her the space that she needs and it looks like it is working (since she is saying that she loves you). Personally I would stick with whatever it is that is working. Having said this, IMO it does not hurt to say I love you back to her. Just don't go overboard. A simple reply back with an "I love you too" should not do too much damage. What you may want to avoid is going overboard...you know...saying you have changed, asking her to come back, etc. Take it slow buddy but I would say I love you back to her.
In terms of dating...why not try and offer to do something with the kids together and they try and feel her out a bit. Maybe after doing something with the kids you could offer to go for coffee or dinner. I suggest that you prepare and have some talking points handy. Maybe discuss things that SHE is interest in..
In terms of where her head is at...who knows...but take the positives as just that positives.
Whatever you decide to do take it SLOW...this did not break overnight and will not fix itself overnight. MANAGE your emotions.
Good luck and God Bless,
Eric
BTY you have adorable kids dude!
Eric, thanks,
Whatever you decide to do take it SLOW...this did not break overnight and will not fix itself overnight. MANAGE your emotions.
I know this, I really don't know how I feel right now, I guess it is impatience. I don't want to push but when we do go out we have a good time.
I just wish I could get a little more from her ya know....Like hey, I really like what you are doing keep doing it....LOL I know that is totally out of the question but it would be nice to be thrown a fricken bone ya know.
Yeah I'm impatient. I would like opinions from Sandi2 or someone that is or was a WAW.
Eric, your wise sage my friend.
BTY you have adorable kids dude!
Thanks bro, I love em to death.
sad thing happened last night though. My daughter was in bed and I hear crying. So I go in there and she starts to tell me that she is really missing her mommy and that she wants her to come back and live with us forever. So I just wrap her in my arms and tell her I know, I'm sorry she feels this way. I miss mommy too, all we can do is pray for mommy and let mommy know that we love her....My daughter then goes on to tell me....My heart is starting to hurt daddy, effing A man I wanted to squeeze her to death man. It was so heart breaking.
sad thing happened last night though. My daughter was in bed and I hear crying. So I go in there and she starts to tell me that she is really missing her mommy and that she wants her to come back and live with us forever. So I just wrap her in my arms and tell her I know, I'm sorry she feels this way. I miss mommy too, all we can do is pray for mommy and let mommy know that we love her.....
Situation handled VERY well!
dday, thank you, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. My wife is so blind to it. It hurts that my kids are hurting. I don't know what to do other than what I said to my daughter last night. Which it seems like it is occuring more frequently now.
Keeping on and keeping strong for my kids
Aces
Hi there Aces,
First - your W said she left the OM (or he left her). This is a great sign. She wants sex. Again, great sign. She acknowledges issues and you do to - excellent!
Could I ask you some questions:
1. Do you think her anxiety issue is getting dealt with?
2. Do you think the OM is gone?
3. Does she know you understand your M problems let her feel the OM met her needs more than you in a moment of bad (very bad/evil) judgement?
4. Does she know that the door to your H is her house and she is welcome back?
5. Would she try going to Retrouvaille to see if it might spark some love?
6. Dates, including sex, might lead to love. Have you read, "His needs, Her needs"?
7. Deep down, do you believe she was having sex with the OM? If so, are you sure you are OK with it?
____________
Some ideas to consider right away:
*You're doing great, keep working on your own issues.
*If you lose it, apologize.
*Touch if it feels right. If she asked for sex, she wants your touch.
*Make sure you always remember that while IDLY might feel terrible, it can't be argued off. Emotions are never right or wrong.
I never loved my wife. Probably, my 'love bank' for her had a low balance throughout our M. Now, I feel a lot more for her. If the theory holds true, my 'love bank' for her is much more full. It is so full that her love has influence and impact on me each day. I can imagine if your W feels nothing but she used to, then meeting her emotional needs may help her love again.
And time. Things take time.
Onthemountaintop, thanks so much for your reply.
Hi there Aces,
First - your W said she left the OM (or he left her). This is a great sign. She wants sex. Again, great sign. She acknowledges issues and you do to - excellent!
Could I ask you some questions:
1. Do you think her anxiety issue is getting dealt with?
2. Do you think the OM is gone?
3. Does she know you understand your M problems let her feel the OM met her needs more than you in a moment of bad (very bad/evil) judgement?
4. Does she know that the door to your H is her house and she is welcome back?
5. Would she try going to Retrouvaille to see if it might spark some love?
6. Dates, including sex, might lead to love. Have you read, "His needs, Her needs"?
7. Deep down, do you believe she was having sex with the OM? If so, are you sure you are OK with it?
____________
Some ideas to consider right away:
*You're doing great, keep working on your own issues.
*If you lose it, apologize.
*Touch if it feels right. If she asked for sex, she wants your touch.
*Make sure you always remember that while IDLY might feel terrible, it can't be argued off. Emotions are never right or wrong.
I never loved my wife. Probably, my 'love bank' for her had a low balance throughout our M. Now, I feel a lot more for her. If the theory holds true, my 'love bank' for her is much more full. It is so full that her love has influence and impact on me each day. I can imagine if your W feels nothing but she used to, then meeting her emotional needs may help her love again.
And time. Things take time.
Yes she says that she left him, but I remember that you should only believe half of what they say and do. So can I be one hundred percent sure? No, do I want to believe her yes I do.
To answer your questions
1. No I do not think her anxiety is gone. She recently told me she had anxiety and that she wish it would go away.
She is also not doing anything about her depression. She says she needs to "fix" herself but isn't taking the steps to do so.
2. I think he could be, she says she deleted him off of FB and also that she has been ignoring his texts. But I also think there is another guy. With my stupidity I snooped when she left her cell up stairs and I looked. There was a guy telling her how fine he thinks she is. This could mean nothing and I treated it like so.
3. She has said that he would "talk" to her. And also told her he wanted to do things with her. Like take her to museums and the like. I really dont know if they did all of this stuff. The whole talking thing bothers me because I would try to get her to open up to me but she wouldn't or if she did she was half truths. I don't think she sees it as bad judgement because she believes we are not married any more. So in her eyes it is okay...
4. Yes she does know that the door is always open. That I am willing to do everything to get us to be a H and W again, and a whole family.
5. I don't know if she would try Retrouvaille. She is completely against MC so I don't think she would do this. Also she says she needs time. So I'm not pushing her into anything. I ask her out to dinner and the like but I do not push our R or M talk on her. I just want to give her a good time with no incentive of sex or anything else. I want to show her that I can love her with out expecting anything back.
6. I have not read it I plan on picking it up this weekend or next. I have read the 5 love languages, and I am also currently reading Hope for the seperated by Gary Chapman.
7. Deep down I do believe she had sex with OM, No, I'm not okay with it but I am also not vindictive nor do I plan on holding a grudge. I do, if we reconcile, want to address it and then move on. I haven't been a person to shove things back into her face, ever. I believe I am capable of forgiveness.
All in all I feel like I'm in limbo. I feel as though she has no idea what she want(yes mind reading I know) but that is how I feel.
She says she needs to fix herself but hasn't taken any steps to self improvement. She constantly goes out to bars and clubs. And has also been smoking up alot(her words) because of her back pain(her words) One of her "roommates" has a license to grow medicinal pot and she smokes once a night.
I'll post more. I think this is long.
Throughout the 7 years we have been married she has said things like "Why are you with me", "I'm not a good person", "I don't deserve you".
Also throughout our marriage I feel like I have been battling her own demons that she has gathered from her childhood and teenage years. But I have never held it against her. I have always accepted her for who she is.
My mistake is that I became depressed and selfloathing because I didn't get a job in my field after I graduated. I worked graveyard at my job and didn't have weekends off, so taking her out was really hard. So I know my mistake. I now work days, I have weekends off, and inspite of what is happening in our M I can say that I'm no longer depressed I have my goals in mind. I'm going to go back to school. And I want to take her out as much as I can(180) to show her that I can be what she wants.
I'm GALing as much as I can. and I have made new friends that support me and want me to do what is right.
My trust in God is coming back. I know he has never abandoned me and I am thankful.
Please I know there is a lot of people on her but Sandi2 or anyone else that can help I would appreciate it.
Aces
sounds like she needs an IC. Do you think you could touch her on the arm, tell her you love her for giving your M another try, and that you'd support her if she wants an IC to deal with past issues and to realize all the good things you see in her? (or whatever works)
An IC can make things worse, too. But if you can't take the emotions, what other options are there for deling with many old issues? You might be able to counsel her, or she may do it on her own, but I wonder if she'd need a more neutral person.
The fact that you can love her and welcome her despite the cra* you had to take tells me that she has many good reasons to love you. She probably wants to feel that your love isn't pity or some weird thing.
Be patient. I know I have to remind myself of that, but it is always important.
As far as Retrou, it isn't MC. It is very different. It deals with building empathy so, for example, forgiveness can be fully realized. It also helps with getting more shared values and plans over time. Think of it like skill building in making a R survivable. Another way to look at it is like helping you rebuild instead of repair the R. There may be other similar options, but this is the only one I know of.
Good to hear you are planning on the book. I think it would help you understand her and why she acts like she does a lot.
You can learn many skills, but understanding someone helps you want to use them, even when you are in pain.
Onthemountiantop,
She does need IC, she is stubborn though. I could touch her and tell her I love her. But I know these are things she doesn't want to hear. She doesn't want to work on our marriage because for some reason she feels as though she needs to be free or something like that.
I know that I was controlling when it came to money. I never felt like we had money to go and do things, when things got bad between us(mainly me finding out about OM) I started to ask where she was and when she was going to be home a lot more. Again I know my mistakes and I know I can correct them.
She does know that she is always welcome back, will it remain to be like that. I don't know I wish I did. But as of right now I'm not giving up. I have the want to work things out even if she doesn't. If that means I have to back away and become unavailable to her I will. I know the goal is to make myself better for ME. but ultimately we all want our spouses back.
Be patient. I know I have to remind myself of that, but it is always important.
I know so do I. I pray for it every day.
The Retrou, sounds like a good idea but I'm sure as of right now she wouldn't be willing to go. We have been seperated for 3 months, so my patience might be lacking a bit.
She constantly tells me she is sorry for hurting me. Honestly I'm tired of hearing it. I know your sorry but if you truly are wouldn't you do more than say it. Wouldn't you want to show it? I guess she really has by leaving.
It sucks that she had to go to these measures to wake me up but at least I did wake up. I go to IC every week, I have been reading books like crazy. I know that if she does end up filing I will be prepaired to be a better man and father. I don't know if I will ever give up on her. I love her dearly. It is my hope that she will see this inspite of how she feels someday. I hope that her not feeling deserving of me(her words) is something she'll get over and see that it isn't just me that wants her to be around but our kids. They miss her so much. And only seeing her in the morning is starting to wear on my daughter. It is heart breaking.
I have learned a lot of skills, and yes you are right I can use them even when I am in pain. I just want to learn more of them. I want to be better for me and my kids. I don't want them to grow up with the flight tendency that my wife has. I want them to believe that things can be worked out as long as you are willing to try.
Sorry this is long but I could go on forever.
Again Sandi2 or PrairieGirl if you could give me insight I would appreciate it.
Onthemountaintop and Eric thank you for all your words.
God bless,
Aces
I could touch her and tell her I love her. But I know these are things she doesn't want to hear.
I'm going to go out on a limb to say it sounds like your fear, too. Touch her and show her that you love her, or at least want her. ILY is a phrase that you may not need to say (or shouldn't say) right now. Show your love.
I get the money thing. For me, I tried to teach her how to be frugal by comparing prices, but the message she got was 'don't spend money'. This was consistent with her initial view when she came to Canada - that the money was 'mine'. It is too bad that money became a bigger issue during the OM times. One more battle, but you're up for it, right?!
Keep letting her know, not begging or pursing, that you want her back and you want her happy. IC is for everyone on D row - parole comes for those who do it. Either freedom in a happy M or freedom in a new R, but the IC at some point is needed to vent/get help.
She's left the OM. Now is the time to plan and act carefully. She is missing him. If you aren't there either, doesn't that leave her alone and more depressed than ever? If you can't or won't be patient enough, then you it will be many more months before things work out. If you aren't in control of your emotions, anger, feeling of failure/hurt/rejection, then how can she be expected to deal with her issues and you at the same time? You can figure out a solution if you want it badly enough.
Wouldn't you want to show it? I guess she really has by leaving.
She's messed up right now. She misses the OM and you, but she doesn't want to go back to a situation that she hated before she left, either. Then, there are the issues that may need an IC...
I'm very impressed that your are making your commitment into action. Your daughter may be young now, but I'll guess she'll be very proud of you later regardless of what happens.
I'm going to go out on a limb to say it sounds like your fear, too. Touch her and show her that you love her, or at least want her. ILY is a phrase that you may not need to say (or shouldn't say) right now. Show your love.
Sorry I didn't explain that good enough. I don't say I love you, but I do touch her, I hug her all the time. And not some lame ass hug I HUUG her. Just like I always have. My fear holds me back from saying things to her but it doesn't stop me from touching her.
One more battle, but you're up for it, right?!
Damn right I am. I will fight and keep on fighting.
She is worth it to me. I haven't been begging her to come back I just let her know that I am here waiting. Maybe this is the problem though. I tried to go dark or dim but that wasn't working at all. I will just have to keep trying different things. I know all those tunnels aren't cheeseless...
She did actually show interest in what I was doing today. Which is something she hasn't done since she left the house.
I came out and asked her last night what she is looking for in life and in general. I asked her if leaving has really made her happy.
She replied with a no, that her life sucks. Mainly because she doesn't see our kids as much. This is where I went into I want you to be happy. Our house is always open to you. I want you to work on yourself.
I really do hope that she will look into IC. Because I know she needs to be working on things she just pushes it down and keeps doing it. She has been her entire life.
I really do hope that my daughter and my son will see that I have fought for them to have a complete family. My daughter has started to break down more and more. She says how much she misses her mom, and how much she wants us to be married. She drew a picture of my W and I in a tux and a wedding dress yesterday.
My W is really short with my daughter and tells her to not ask her to come back and to not cry. To be tough and hold it all in.
Grr it really upsets me. I am doing my best I really am.
Aces
I tried to go dark or dim but that wasn't working at all.
Going dark is overrated. Imagine, she misses you, had an OM and left him (or was left). Going dark would make her (in theory) want you back. Add on her depression (or whatever), now to you going dark. What would happen?
Cheeseless tunnels are cheeseless because they are the things that never worked in the past. Could you make a list of the things that you've done in the past that
didn't work? Things that made fights bigger, your anger fiercer, and her actions farther from meeting your emotional needs? These would be the tunnels to avoid.
I came out and asked her last night what she is looking for in life and in general. I asked her if leaving has really made her happy.....
This is where I went into I want you to be happy. Our house is always open to you. I want you to work on yourself.
And the result was that she showed interest in what you did this morning. So that was not a cheeseless tunnel! Congrats! You're a happy mouse
Through the various stages of W and my separation/divorce/reconciliations/etc, both of us have been short with our kids. You may have been, too. I find it so much harder to forgive my W when she injures our kids than when I do. Why? I know WHY I did it, so I can justify my action. For her, I can't and sometimes don't want to justify her bad action. Now more than ever, try even harder, Aces.
Aces
I am also going thru the same issues with my kids. My H seems clueless, when it comes to how his behavior is affecting our kids. Our 3 yr old, somedays will talk to H on the phone and other days he wont. And after he talks to H or doesn't talk to him he gets all sad and depressed. My H will attempt to call maybe 2 or 3 days a week. My 3 yr old talks about his daddy constantly and it breaks my heart to hear it. Those are the days when I get very upset with my H for putting us thru this. Our 1 yr old, lights up when he hears my H voice on the phone. My H left when he was 6 mnths old.
I want more than anything to put my family back together. All kids deserve for their parents to be together, I just wish my husband could get his head out of the fog and realize that too.
Good luck to you!
Yeah, I feel as though going dark is overrated. I guess it works for some but I never felt like it was right in my situation.
I'm figuring out what is going on with us. I want to keep my same path I'm just feeling as though right now she sees that my house is always open to her so she isn't going to come back because of that reason. She knows I love her and knows I want her to be with me. So she is staying away. I dunno, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Trial and error is a bitch though. lol
jtish, everything you said is exactly what I see with my kids and my W. This past week my S2 woke up in the middle of the night crying asking for his mommy. It was heart breaking. My D is really missing her also. I just gotta keep my head up and be strong for both of them.
Wild
Sorry I have not responded sooner – I have been doing a fair amount of self reflection and took a few days off.
I just wish I could get a little more from her ya know....Like hey, I really like what you are doing keep doing it....
Re the above quote…we all wish this. Keep your spirits up and hope that one day this will happen. Remember it could happen. Every situation is different and only YOU know the specifics of how or what to expect from your W. Keep hoping and keep working on yourself.
So I just wrap her in my arms and tell her I know, I'm sorry she feels this way. I miss mommy too, all we can do is pray for mommy and let mommy know that we love her.
The way handled this was a sign of the man you ARE! I don’t think you could handled it any better.
My heart is starting to hurt daddy, effing A man I wanted to squeeze her to death man. It was so heart breaking.
I can only imagine how painful this was. Look up and give the hurt to HIM. This is His battle to fight for you.
I’ve read your thread and as always I think you doing very well. Keep hoping and do not give up.
God Bless,
Eric
Eric, thank you for the words of encouragement. I seriously feel like giving up...this fight is wearing me thing and she just seems like she wants to continue being away from me. I guess the grass is really green around her right now. I find myself hoping that she will never find happiness and that she will always get screwed over by everyone she ever meets. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this but I need to get it off my chest. I want to be happy and when she is around or when she talks about our kids it really just pisses me off. I see her and I want her around but when she is around she is always on her phone and smiling like this is the best kept secret around. I just don't know how what I did was that bad? Was it so bad?
I did have a good weekend with my kids. But she ended up going to the mall and my daughter told me they went and said hi to mommies "friend" the one she said she wasn't going to talk to any more. She is so confusing to me. I'm find myself wondering if she is worth my time. I know that I can try for a long time but do I want to be wasting my energy when I could be expending it on other things?
I'm just confused and frustrated....
Aces, you made a decision to love her and work on your marriage. Use that decision to get past this hurdle. You can talk to your W about meeting the OM, but remember that she might be fragile now...handle with care.
Wild
I seriously feel like giving up...this fight is wearing me thing and she just seems like she wants to continue being away from me.
First off, how you feel is normal. This stuff is tough buddy. It is really tough. You have to realize that right now she probably does want to be away from you but this does not mean that you will feel this way in the future. You see, you still may be thinking that you can do something to "snap" her out of it. The realty is that you cannot. You can only do things to make it worse. This is why you detach my friend...you detach so that your emotion do not take over your thoughts and mouth.
Although you feel this way...realize that is it a FEELING. You may feel differently tomorrow. If you change your thoughts you can change your feelings.
I guess the grass is really green around her right now.
That is what they all think. It is only when they begin to realize the there issue is there issue and not your or mine or there friend.
I find myself hoping that she will never find happiness and that she will always get screwed over by everyone she ever meets.
This looks like you have hit the anger stage. Once again, normal. You need to find a way to release the anger but you CANNOT release it on HER. Pick up a punching bag, go outside and scream, go for a walk, go to the gym. Take this anger and make it make YOU BETTER and STRONGER so that you can keep going. Just remember buddy - this will pass. The faster you "face" it the faster you will be able to deal and move on from it. Do nothing and it will fester.
I see her and I want her around but when she is around she is always on her phone and smiling like this is the best kept secret around.
You know what I call this? Running. She is running from her issues. She may seem happy and actually may really be happy but at the end of the day she will need to face her issues. When? Only God knows buddy. Your job is to keep focused on you and your kids.
I just don't know how what I did was that bad?
Have you written down a list of the issues that you did bring to the M? Have you figured out what changes you need to make? I mean really change...you have indicated that you were controlling? Other than finances were you controlling? Did you value her input into the things? Did you give her the freedom to make mistakes? Think about buddy.
I know that I can try for a long time but do I want to be wasting my energy when I could be expending it on other things?
If you are making changes to make YOURSELF a better person then what "other things" could you be doing? If you are making changes to get her back then trust me, these will not stick.
I'm just confused and frustrated....
Stop looking at her and her issues and really and I mean really focus on your issues. Once you do, you will not be as confused and fustrated. Right now, you are trying to figure her out - you can't - STOP. You can figure YOU out though. Someone once told me that the answers to my issues are in ME. That person was right...so I tell you - look at YOU. Make this whole ordeal about YOU and YOUR kids. Maybe she will come and join you at some point.
Keep your head up dude - you CAN do this.
God Bless,
Eric
I guess the grass is really green around her right now. \
And in that should be your silver lining to your survival through this. We all know the grass around her is certainly not green (not even grass), she just doesn't know it yet.
Hey wild- I am feeling all of things you are feeling. I am just so irritated and have decided that my h is extremely selfish. My h has decided to leave our m and be a high schooler again and live with his mom. He has left everything for me to take care of. We don't have kids, so I really can't even begin to understand how much harder this is for you. We have a dog and it has been extremely rough on our dog....I can't even immagine how your kids feel. The dog can't stop wagging his tail and trying to climb on the h when he comes by. Kuddos to you though for being the mature one in the relationship. Way to step up to the plate....your w doesn't realize it now but she will one day and she will kick herself for being so selfish.
I personally have decided yet again to go dark and not initiate contact with my h. Easier to do when there are no kids. Me not contacting my h seems to panic him....he'll text me and tell me he is confused and doesn't know what to do. I like an idiot will always respond and validate how he feels and then tell him I don't believe in divorce. Well I am sure this just reasures him that I am still in the "game" and he can continue doing what he is doing. Well new inning, I am now going to tell him next time I am not so sure what it is I want.... The h usually wants to know where I am and who I was with....interesting. I am contemplating tellling him that j am going to start dating because I don't know what it is I want. Turn the table a little on him.....put some fear in him. Or maybe he won't care. I don't know.
Sorry to rant on your thread. Just wanted you to know you aren't the only one going through the different emotions and feelings. The grass is never greener on the other side
yesterday and last night was not a good night at all. I honestly just feel plain and simple sadness. I didn't talk to my W at all when she first came over after work. Then she comes outside with me while I'm having a smoke and she asks me if I'm upset, why aren't you talking to me, she says. And thats when I just let it all go. I tell her her I am sad, that I don't want to talk because there is no way to say anything to her because I'll break down. I tell her that I don't deserve this that I miss her that I love her. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'm just sad, i don't know what else to do.
Have you written down a list of the issues that you did bring to the M? Have you figured out what changes you need to make? I mean really change...you have indicated that you were controlling? Other than finances were you controlling? Did you value her input into the things? Did you give her the freedom to make mistakes? Think about buddy.
I have written down what I brought to the M. I know what changes I need to make and I really can. Yes I valued her input in all things. Yes I gave her freedom to make mistakes, I gave to her more than I probably should have and that is why I am missing her so much. I put alot of my heart into our R and M. And I just never felt like I was getting the same in return. Did it make me love her any less? No it didn't. I just tried harder but i never spoke to her LL. Never is strong I didn't speak to her LL as much as she wanted.
But it is two people, a give and take. I want her back.....
Another thing that is making it worse is that as time goes by I just want her back more. Is that weird? Am I crazy? I feel as though my love for her grows stronger.
She says she wishes that I was like her, that I should harden my heart against her. I should just let her go. HOW HOW THE F do I do that when I just feel as though I love her more and more. I wish she was like me, but if she was then we probably wouldn't be in this mess. Effing stupid bs crap.
First of all, I think you two need a breather from each other.
Second, I think you need to go back to square one an dre-read your thread(s) from day one, see where you've been, what you've accomplished, and what you are failing to do.
The only thing I can see myself failing to do is detach. But how? Other than what I am doing with myself I still feel sad, angry, and I feel guilt for not keeping my marriage together. I can do the most amazing thing and I still cant get her out of my mind. I still cannot get rid of the longing I have for her.
If you're trying, you aren't failing.
Why should you get her out of your mind? You love her and want to stay with her.
Detatching is about controling your emotions, not about getting rid of them.
When she complains that you are crying/sad, do you think she's saying, "be a man", or is she saying, "I feel guilty about your sadness"?
Then I guess:
Third, pound the serenity prayer in your head.
Control what you can, accept what you can not. And have the wisdom to know the difference.
Wild
Let me first start off by saying that you are NORMAL. You are hurt, you are fustrated and all of these feelings are NORMAL. You have experience a severe blow to thing you more than likely valued more than anything - your marriage. So you are entitled to feel pain. You are entitled to feel upset and angry. BUT what will you do with this anger? That is the question that you need to ask yourself. What my friend will you do with this anger? Will you internalize it and become depressed, will you remain angry and hurt for the rest of your life OR will YOU take this time to GROW, HEAL, and really become the type of person that YOU would never want to leave. I think I know your answer.
So how do you do this you are probably wondering? Well my friend you do this by going THROUGH the pain, you do this by focusing on YOU and YOUR kids, you do this by reflecting on you, you do this by FINALLY realizing that YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU. You do this by accepting that true love is the ability to LET GO. That's right, LET GO. You see, a lot of time WE Want people to change to fit our mold, we want them to be the people we want them to be BUT this is somewhat controlling my friend. IMO, true love lets go and lets God. True love understands that I cannot change another but can change myself, true love does not HOLD on to anger and hurt - it forgives, it encourages.
Am I saying that you do not have true love - NO. You do! You are struggling with the realization that this is really happening to you. You are realizing that YOU really do not have control over her or her actions. You are realizing that the pain will not go away in a few months. All of this is normal and from this YOU WILL GROW. You will learn to love her unconditionally. Think about that unconditionally. NO CONDITIONS. Not a condition that she return, not a condition that she does the things that you want her to do. No just love her....Love her from a distance. That my friend is detaching.
Detach and you will gain clarity and peace. Detach and things do not hurt as much. Yeah you will have pain, detaching does not happen over night. It is a process, a process just like the process of trying and save your marraige.
Promise yourself this today - today I will NOT give up on my M. Today I will not give up on ME. Today I will not give up on my family. Today I will accept that I cannot control things. Today I give this to HIM.
Wild - you are good man and one hell of a father. Take comfort in this and cut yourself a little slack buddy. Cry, but not in front of her or your kids. Scream out to God to heal you and your W. Pray like you have never prayed before. Hug your kids (they are so cute) and then my friend....GIVE IT TO GOD. Let this be a battle that He fights for you. Then start the process of healing.
I will try and reach out to you tonight. I am on the east coast (CT to be exact).
You say you did not speak her LL enough...why not just leave her be and let her come to the realization on HER time of what she has. What she has my friend is ONE HELL of a MAN.
God Bless,
Eric
Wild
One other thing....have you ever consider that maybe just maybe she will appreciate and respect you for the TIME that you are giving her to deal with HER issues. Just something to think about my friend.
Please do not loose hope. You were doing so well and I believe...f that! I know that you can do this buddy.
Eric
When she complains that you are crying/sad, do you think she's saying, "be a man", or is she saying, "I feel guilty about your sadness"?
I feel guilty about your sadness. She says she doesn't want to hurt me or that she hates how she is hurting me. Well the [censored] stop and come back and work [censored] out dont run away!
Eric, thanks for the encouragement, same to you OTMT and dday I got to read them a few more times before I respond in full. I'm sorta on my heels right now. Yeah, thanks though...I just need time to think.
Aces...
Eric,
One other thing....have you ever consider that maybe just maybe she will appreciate and respect you for the TIME that you are giving her to deal with HER issues. Just something to think about my friend.
No, I haven't considered it. If I have it was in passing or that I'm going to try and just give her absolute space, but never follow through. It is hard to stop doing what you have been doing, and learn what you should have been doing and not do it any more.
Will you internalize it and become depressed, will you remain angry and hurt for the rest of your life OR will YOU take this time to GROW, HEAL, and really become the type of person that YOU would never want to leave. I think I know your answer.
I dont want to internalize at all. I'm used to letting my feelings out. I've always been a person who was honest with his family and friends, maybe even bruttally so. I want to GROW, I want to HEAL, but each time i see her my emotional scar is ripped wide open again, it makes me want to go to my knees.
GALing is all good, I have plenty of things that I can do to find a Life. But honestly nothing seems worth my time. I don't have motivation to do much other than work out.
You will learn to love her unconditionally
I already do. I think about what she does or has done, and all I can think of is I forgive you. I don't care, just come back to me, we can work this out, we can grow and start a new M and a new R. I dont want my old one. I want to be WHOLE AGAIN. IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!
I promised my life to her, I'm extreamly loyal to those who I give trust in. yes i know she has broken that trust but I have given myself to her. I know no one else but her. She is my first for everything. She is truly the one I loved first, truly loved. And all she is doing is hurting me. And I have no idea why? Its like someone giving you something then when you reach for it they beat you for reaching for it. All you can do is ask why, why are you doing this to me? I don't deserve it, I am a good man, I am a good husband, and I am a good father. I don't deserve to be treated this way. But if you just talk to me and walk with me we can learn. If you would just choose to love rather than wait for the feeling you would be different. If you would just do the right thing rather than listen to your heart you would know what it is you should do. If I can make the descision to change why cant you? If I can make the right choices why is it so hard for you? Why do you run away rather than fight for what is worth fighting for?
No just love her....Love her from a distance. That my friend is detaching.
Detach and you will gain clarity and peace. Detach and things do not hurt as much. Yeah you will have pain, detaching does not happen over night. It is a process, a process just like the process of trying and save your marraige
There-in lies my problem. I don't know how to detach
Promise yourself this today - today I will NOT give up on my M. Today I will not give up on ME. Today I will not give up on my family. Today I will accept that I cannot control things. Today I give this to HIM.
I have done this already, 7 years ago when put that RING on her finger. I made my promise to God and I made my promise to myself and her. I don't want to control anything I just want to be happy. I just want to wake up and feel like myself again. I used to be a goofy guy someone who would joke around and not take life seriously. Now all I do is wake up and feel like my skin isn't mine. I am torn in two and I'm trying to rebuild myself.
Eric, thank you. I still need to read over what you have wrote a few more times. The thing is I'm not on a rollercoaster any more. I'm just coming to realize and be honest with how I feel.
You can call me any time today after 2 so 4 your time. I got to my IC at 8.
Wild
You need to be patient with yourself and with her. This is hard man but patient is the ONLY way to get through this IMO.
If I have it was in passing or that I'm going to try and just give her absolute space, but never follow through. It is hard to stop doing what you have been doing, and learn what you should have been doing and not do it any more.
This is one area of growth that I am talking about. Accepting that YOU cannot control another. Accepting that things happen for a reason. Accepting that God has control over everything. Accepting that although we think we have control what we really have is a false sense of control. Acceptance my friend is not easy. Guess what is comes with PAIN but the pain brings with it growth if YOU let it.
I don't have motivation to do much other than work out.
I suspect that you may not have the motivation to do anything cause you are so focused on her comming back. I do the same thing sometimes so we both must learn to really focus on ourselves. Look man... you were born alone. An individual with your own likes and dislikes - your qualities and likes are YOURS not hers they should not be tied to anything that she does. I would suspect that before you were M you were a fun loving and great guy. Well guess what buddy... it is time to find that guy again. Time to find that person that is really in YOU.
I already do. I think about what she does or has done, and all I can think of is I forgive you.
Is the forgivness for you or for her? Answer this one please.
I don't care, just come back to me,
we can grow and start a new M and a new R
These are all valid feeling and just go to show how much you love your W. The only issue that I see it that if you say these things to her it is pursuing her. It is a form of preasure. Right now you need to be patient and sit back, detach and wait to see what happens.
I want to be WHOLE AGAIN.
Does WHOLE AGAIN have to include another person? Have you thought about becoming whole again AND then trying to work on your M.
This shi* will drive you crazy but you are NOT - remember she is the one that is not facing her issues. Keep saying this to yourself.
I don't know how to detach
IMO no one knows how to detach. You learn this thru trial and error. Read the link on detachment that OP provided. Read it several times. Allow it to reallly sink in. The detaching has been the hardest thing in this process for me but the most helpful. You see once you let go and detach you can begin to really heal and grow. Why? Because you are no longer allowing your emotions to be driven by her actions or lack of actions. You see you really begin to accept that you have no control over her. It is hard buddy but based on your post I am sure that you can do it.
Keep your head up...stay the course...stay focused on what YOU want.
Good Bless,
Eric
Eric,
Is the forgivness for you or for her? Answer this one please.
For her, it is me forgiving her. But also me not dwelling on the fact that she has done what she has done. It is me letting go of something that I could turn into a huge ball of hate.
I want to be WHOLE AGAIN.
Does WHOLE AGAIN have to include another person? Have you thought about becoming whole again AND then trying to work on your M.
No, not until now.
IMO no one knows how to detach. You learn this thru trial and error. Read the link on detachment that OP provided. Read it several times. Allow it to reallly sink in. The detaching has been the hardest thing in this process for me but the most helpful. You see once you let go and detach you can begin to really heal and grow. Why? Because you are no longer allowing your emotions to be driven by her actions or lack of actions. You see you really begin to accept that you have no control over her. It is hard buddy but based on your post I am sure that you can do it.
I'm learning this as each day goes by. My IC says that I'm doing fine. And as you said yesterday I just need to cut myself some slack. I've put 100% of myself into the DBing thing and I'm expecting results right away. I really just need to remind myself that I'm going to make mistakes no matter what. That even though the wisest of the wisest could give me the best advice and I could follow it to a T and still screw up. There really is no correct way to do this and that is what I have to realize. DBing is about saving ourselves ultimately and that should be my goal.
Thanks for everything Eric, dday, OTMT
I'll be taking a little bit of a break from here. I just need to regroup and rest. I'm exhausted because I've really only done this for the past 3 months. I have had no focus for anything else.
Aces....
Wild
I hope you are having a better day today.
That even though the wisest of the wisest could give me the best advice and I could follow it to a T and still screw up.
Dude - take each "screw up" as an opportunity to learn. Learn more about yourself, about why you screw up. Just remember to accept that a mistake is just that a mistake. We ALL learn from our mistakes. In some cases, it really is the ONLY way to learn.
I'll be taking a little bit of a break from here. I just need to regroup and rest.
Rest is good dude. This stuff is hard and sometimes you need to take a step back and regroup. Know that WE are here for you man. You are not alone.
God Bless,
Eric
Wild- sorry its been a while...taking a break from here can be a good thing...
I found that spending a lot of time writing about my sitch and reading all the other sitches could be overwhelming at times.
Eric gives great advice- esp about being whole...it is possible, and remember, you are doing the work and dealing...W is not.
You are going to be in a better place, believe me...
As for the detaching- it can be done, and when done correctly- W will notice- not that that's your goal, but still something that will happen as well.
Hang in there...BTW- you have the energy to work out, that's AWESOME! A huge plus and def something to continue doing...
Action precedes motivation...remember that
Had my 29th birthday on saturday. Man I got wasted. It was a good time though.
Sucks that you cant change people. I love my wife but the person she is becoming or honestly probably always was, isn't someone that I want to be around me.
I didn't see or call her pretty much this entire weekend unless it had to do with my kids. Her attitude towards me has really soured and I am done with trying. I just don't want to do it any more. I am tired of putting on a face around her and I really just want to avoid her when she is around.
I took my wedding ring off for the first time on friday. I felt like I was holding on to an idea that no longer exsisted. I felt done. plain and simple done.
My main problem is that I am just down. And I don't want to be any more. For the sake of my daughter. I don't want her moods to be linked to mine especially if my mood is going to be one dark cloud. Lol
I want to wake up and make everyday a good one for my kids. I said it a while back but I realize I was saying it for the wrong reasons. I WANT to live for my kids. I want to be better for them. I want to be happy for them and not to bring my wife back. I don't want to bring her back any more. I want to live my life. Not feel like I am in waist deep muck treading slowly and carefully. I no longer want to live like that.
I don't know where I am going but I feel for once i'm taking a correct step and I'm doing it for me, not another person
So you are thinking that a D would be clear enough that you wouldn't feel down?
I don't think so. I'd guess that once it really hit, you'd be possibly more down than now because you decided to give up.
Aces, give it some time. If you decide not to, I understand cause I've been in that feeling many a time. Just be sure because giving up won't give you a feeling of success...
No, I don't want a D. But I look at her and I don't want her. I love her but I love the person she used to be not who she is now. Something happened to her and if running away is her answer what can I do but sit tight. Which is what I am doing. I'm not going to go after her. I'm not going to ask her to do things together. I will only talk to her about our children. I cannot keep running into the same wall. And I feel like I have been doing that for the past year. How can I continue to be with someone that expects me to change but isn't willing to change with me?
Pursuing her may not help, you're right.
Keeping your heart open and trying to better understand/improve will help. It will also help you show your D that you didn't give up. Your W may notice, and may not. But if you've truly given in/up, your face will show it.
Show a smile, hope, love. That doesn't mean pursing or hiding your hurt when you're hurt. It means over all, be a good, happy person. Enjoy the good things in your life, like your D for now. Later on, your W will see that even if she can't/won't today.
Pursuing her isn't going to work.
My heart is open. I'm not giving up, but for my own sanity how to I keep going on like I have been? I don't want my D to think I gave up and she wont. I would rather show my D that you can forgive if the other party is willing to be repentant. But if they aren't do you just sit there and wait? I dont' want my D or my S to see that people can walk all over you, take off, then come back whenever they want.
I'm not God, I cannot wait forever. And I know that there have been people that have been seperated for years and reconciled. I just don't want to wait that long.
I know a D is going to hurt, but sitting here watching her go down this distructive path and expecting her to wake up "some day" just isn't something I feel like I can or want to do. I feel as though if I take her back i'm more foolish than beleving that she hasn't slept with other people by now.
I don't give up easily. I don't like to loose. I wasn't raised that way. I do want to be happy, I don't want my children to be unhappy because they see me suffer cause their mom is a physco.
I feel in my heart that I have done enough. That although I made mistakes, it gives her no excuse to ditch me when I was at my worst(which wasn't that bad), and cheat on me, then justify it by saying "in my mind we aren't married" I love her still but it isn't the same.
Show a smile, hope, love. That doesn't mean pursing or hiding your hurt when you're hurt. It means over all, be a good, happy person. Enjoy the good things in your life, like your D for now. Later on, your W will see that even if she can't/won't today.
I have been doing this, because honestly on Saturday I realized that I don't want what I wanted two weeks or a month ago. I look at my wife, the lies she has told her family, the way she talks to my daughter. Her shortness with both of my children and I no longer want that around me or our kids. Whatever is going on with her I don't want to be apart of it. I want to move on with my life. If I can't even come up with one positive quality besides she is beautiful isn't that some kind of sign. My heart isnt 100% in this any more. Is it normal to feel like this? Is it just a phase and I'll go back to wanting to be with her. That is the thing I don't know how I feel. I don't know if I want to continue DBing. The last few days where I have felt like I was done trying I have felt relaxed and happy. I don't effing know....
Hi Wild,
Gosh I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough few days. I'm sorry, I've only read a few pages of your sitch so far, but I just wanted to stop and say my heart goes out to you today, before I proceeded to read more. My only thought off the top of my head, is to be very careful not to make any big decisions if you're still wondering if your feelings (wanting to leave) are just a phase.
From what I've understood here, and from my friends who've left their marriages, the point at which they were ready to go was very clear. They didn't have a lot of lingering doubts any more. From what they've said, there was a point at which they 'just knew' they were done, and there was nothing in the world at that point that could have changed their minds.
PS - I'd told you once that I don't pray much these days, and so you so very kindly said one for me. Now, I don't know if He'll take much stock in me praying at this point, but I will try for you anyways. Again, my heart goes out to you today. PG.
My heart isnt 100% in this any more. Is it normal to feel like this? Is it just a phase and I'll go back to wanting to be with her. That is the thing I don't know how I feel. I don't know if I want to continue DBing.
Again, YES, it is a phase, and you have a long long way to go, and many more to follow.
PG, thanks for the reply. I understand what you are saying and my doubts aren't many, but i do have them. I know that filing will not releave any pain or give me any sense of peace but I will know that I am moving on.
Thank you for the prayer, and no matter who you are, sinner or saint he takes stock in our prayers. He listens, it us who aren't patient enough to wait or listen to what he says.
Dday, okay its a phase, but I don't want to be in it any more. I have no intention of having a knee jerk reaction and going out and filing. All I feel is is nothing, it might be some anger and it might be other things but I have been feeling this way for a while now and the more I feel this way the better and more relaxed I have been. I'm going to my IC and I'll be talking to her about it. I know the whole point is to save my marriage but the person that I married isn't there any more and it doesn't look as though she would take the step to change. I feel as though my only reason not to get divorced is the fact that financially it will kill me, and who doesn't feel that? But that isn't a reason to not get divorced. She is a person who runs from major problems and has all of her life and really I don't want my kids to learn that, and they will whether we stay together or not.
and on a sadder note, a friend of mine died this week and I just found out about it. the hits just keep on coming.
Father, be with me. I know this isn't your doing. You gave us free will and with it we can choose to do the right or wrong thing. Unfortunately the wrong thing is usually the easiest and better feeling choice. Father Nick passed away this week, I'm thankful that he is with you now but saddened because he was such an awesome person. He truly will be missed. Be with his family as the struggle with the loss of their son, their brother.
Amen
My sympathies Wild, I'm so sorry you lost your friend...
Wild
First, I am sorry to hear about your friend.My prayers go out to the family.
The feelings you have right now are normal. IMO you are not at point where you FINALLY realize that nothing YOU do can "snap" her out of it. Nope. You finally have realized that this is really happening. You want this pain and emptyness to go away. I know buddy...I know... you want your M back.
You are right the person that you married is no longer the same. She is gone. She is now trying to find herself/address her issues whatever you want to call it. Guess what...you are now on a similar path. You need to find Wild. You need to make Wild happy. You need to be the best dad for your D. The key word is YOU.
I understand about the finacial aspect dude- trust me I do. Why then do you feel the need to file? Why are you going to give up already? Why not stop feeling crap*y about the sitch and really and I mean really look at yourself. Stand up, man up, and say F** It. I am gonna do what I want to do. Do you really think that filing will fix this? Do you really think that filing will allow you to move forward? IMO - YOU decided when you move forward. YOU decide what Wild wants! You buddy make the choice in your life.
Stop looking at her. Stop worry about what she thinks and does. Stop... actually maybe you should STOP everything and just take some time for you. By everything I mean the thoughts of D. Maybe you should take the time you need to heal.
Now I may be way off base here but you sound a lot like I did when I thought i was "done". Guess what - your not. Do you know why? Think about it and then post your reasons.
Keep your head up - keep your eyes on your kids - keep your eyes on what you want and what you need in your future. Keep your eyes UP.
FYI...tonight I have the kids but will try and reach out.
God Bless,
Eric
Why then do you feel the need to file? Why are you going to give up already? Why not stop feeling crap*y about the sitch and really and I mean really look at yourself. Stand up, man up, and say F** It. I am gonna do what I want to do. Do you really think that filing will fix this? Do you really think that filing will allow you to move forward? IMO - YOU decided when you move forward. YOU decide what Wild wants! You buddy make the choice in your life.
I feel like filing because I don't want her any more. I don't want anything other than a hello and a goodbye from her. I feel as though I am done. I want to move on. And I cannot do that while I wait for her to file. I know if you read through my sitch you will see me say how much I love her and how much I want to work this out but when someone not only cheats on you, not once, not twice but three times. Don't you think it is time to move the hell on? She isn't going to change. She has made me feel like I was the one that always needed to change. Why? I told her I loved her everyday. I told her how much I think she is beautiful and how much appreciate her. Yes I did make mistakes, yes I did become depressed because of my professional life. But that give no one NO ONE the right to cheat, or treat the other person like they dont matter. I haven't filed yet. I have other things that are more important to do right now like get back into art school. But I have been feeling this way for a while now. I am tired of being treated like crap. I am tired of the doom and dispare. So I have decided to move the hell on. I'm not filing yet though. I have to think about it. I know it is a huge decision. But when someone tells you flat out that they aren't going to come back that they aren't going to change. That they "need to work on myself" yet do nothing to improve on themselves other than go out and drink Wednesday night to Saturday night. I know that I am fighting a lost cause. I see it. I know I do.
I feel like filing because I don't want her any more.
Are you positive this isn't anger? Anger can be dealt with, I think repairing after the D is harder but obviously still an option. If you are sure, just consider keeping your heart open and stay away from ultimatums.
You believe she thinks you need some changing. Is it possible that she has some valid issues that you could deal with in the meanwhile?
Are you positive this isn't anger?
Yes, because when I see her I feel no anger. No anger at all. I feel....sorry for her. If she had valid issues with me she should have be adult enough to tell me when we were still together. If I could go to her and tell her my problems and she knew that she could come to me at anytime and tell me she had a problem but didn't take it that is her problem to change not mine. Was I in a funk? Yes I was, and again it doesn't allow for someone to cheat on me. I've looked at myself, I see what I did. And I am taking care of that. and not for her not any more. I have no want to work things out with her any more.
Wild
Dude - I'm not gonna tell you what to do. The only thing I can say to you is to make SURE that any anger and PRIDE is not getting in the way of your thought process. I know it did with me. I thought I was done, thought I was not angry and then BAM - it hits. It hits hard. Once you start down this path it is very hard to turn back. My suggestion is take the gift of time that you have. Filing does not "release" you...YOU release you. Go enjoy your life, let her do what she thinks she needs to do. When the time is right for YOU you will know what you need to do. Your kids will look at you and know that you stood like the man you are. Just my take buddy. Either way you go - just make sure that you are happy.
God Bless,
Eric
Eric, I can tell you that giving up has never been something I do or take lightly. I'm an ex army ranger man, it is in my blood to fight until I cannot any more. But I can also see a lost cause. I have no pride in this situation how can I? I have a little anger, but it isn't so much that I am letting it control my decisions. I know that what I have done is all that I can do. Her LL is quality time. How in Gods name do I fullfil that while detaching? How can I ever be happy while all I would be doing is wasting time and money on her? I know that filing will not release me, i have two children with her. I'm stuck with her for life. But I know that I wont be happy with her. I know this. I see it Bro. I know you don't want me to give up and I'm not giving up because if I was I would just effing kill myself. I'm moving on....will it hurt? yeah, but not as much as wasting time on her. I'm moving on, for myself, not to bring her back becaus that I all I wanted before that is all I did. My kids will see me being happy! And goofy like I used to be. I know they are going to wonder especially my son he is going to ask questions and wonder why her and I arent togther and I'll be able to look him in his eyes and tell him the truth with out a faultering voice. I just know that I will not be able to take her back when she isn't willing to change and never will be. I wish it was going down another way but I cannot keep going on like this.
Let me ask you all something. What is cheating to you? Is it sleeping with someone? Kissing them? Going out on a date? Giving your heart to them? I guess my definition is just old fashioned because I would say you cheat by thought word and deed.
Hi Wild, just checking in to see how you're doing. Don't have a lot of time at the moment but wanted to say hello and that I'm thinking of you.
PG, I'm doing good. My W and I talked today. Im at the end of my rope, I see that she really doesn't want to come back and I have to let her go, completely. Divorce is the only way I'll be able to move on and I cannot just stay seperated. I have no desire to hold on to something that has no want to be with me. It sucks, it will hurt but ultimately I know I'll be better off than than trying to hold on to her. I just feel as though she is running away from something and has been since before we met and I have to let her. I have to let her for my own good.
Wild
Only you know what is best for you and your family so I respect any choice that you make. One question - if after you filed and found the closure that you needed would you ever take her back if she showed signs of change. Would you ever ask yourself "what if I hung on for just a little longer"? Just wondering dude. I am not advocating that u stick this out. Just make sure that you are REALLY comfortable with your choices. If you are then please take a vacation
enjoy your kids and go live life to the fullest. You deserve it.
Eric
Really don't have a whole lot to say today. I'm doing good. Not a whole lot is going on. W still wants a divorce, and I am not really against it. I will be 100% sure that I want to do this before I go and do it.
Hi Wild, thinking good thoughts for you today. Glad to hear your doing ok, and that you're going to make sure of your feelings before you take any action to file.
Wild -
Good place to be dude...sit tight...work on your healing..take a break from this sh*t and then figure out what you need to do. Get off the emotional rollercoaster for a while and just sit back and enjoy your kids man. Life will lead you in the direction that you need to go. Remember you don't have to try and control everything.
God Bless,
Eric
We all come here with the hope of saving our marriages, but ultimately ourselves. I'm glad I found this fourm because I would be a wreck with out it. If I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster it is a pretty booring, which is good. My highs arent super high and lows arent super low. I am doing good even with the out-come more than likely being D. I thought I could do this for years but I know I cannot. The damage has been done, i'm not saying it cannot be repaired but it isn't going to be me who takes those steps, I feel as though I have laid a foundation and she needs to be the first to lay down a brick. I'm a good man, and she will be missing out on a great life as a family. I hope with whatever the out-come being that she stops running and becomes a better person. I hope my journey helps me to become a better person and I feel as though I have taken the right direction since this all started. I'm full of knowledge that I wish I had 7 years ago. I can go on knowing that I will more than likely get remarried, who knows it could be to her.
My goal now is to focus on my future. I plan on going back to school in order to become a better artist, and make a living doing art. I will not file right now, if anything I will go for legal seperation. Talking to her though she has her mind set on not being married to me. lol, yet calls me a good man, and good father want to be divorced but is dating OM2 now. I dunno, I just can't care too much about it. She is doing what she feels is right.
I will post more later, I just want to thank all of you for your advice and encouragement. I really don't know if there is a set time line for DBing but mine didn't seem to last to long. Though I don't know what is going to happen.
Aces....
Another day another dollar, W didn't come over to see the kids after work last night. D7 is really starting to verbalize how much she misses her. Don't really know what to say to her except to pray for mommy and show her that you love her.
I apply for school today, I just hope that my portfolio is decent enough for me to get in. I really really really want to go back to school. If I had a choice I would be a career student. lol
Not much else going on, just focusing on the kids, and art work.
Wild
First good luck with school - I'm sure your portfolio is good enough to get you in.
You sound really good my friend. I am glad to see that you will not file yet. Good move. Keep the focus on you and the kids and everything should be fine. Will you hurt some days - yes - This pain though is normal and must be felt in order for you to grow and learn from this sitch.
What your daughter is going thru is normal dude. Just remember that she needs you NOW. You are the positive influence in her life. Focus on you and your kids.
God Bless,
Eric
I'm tired. I'm am just taxed the f out about this. I need a break but it doesn't seem to help when I do take one. I just have no desire to continue on doing this. Some random person texted me today demanding that I give my DW a message. When asked to identify themselves they wouldn't and told me to do as I'm told. WTF? Are you serious? I told said mystery person that i'm not their messanger boy, i suggested they effe off and told them to come to my house and talk to me face to face. Yeah probably not the best reaction, but I hate being told what to do especially by a complete stranger who is too rude to identify themselves. I really have no idea what I'm doing any more. I really just seem to be waking up going to work and then going home. There is a lot going on inbetween all of that but I just don't feel it. Its like I'm on autopilot. Taking a bit of a backslide I guess. I've been drawing so that I can beef up my portfolio. Didn't get to apply because of the application fee, so I have to wait to get paid to apply or ask my parents for it, which i'm going to do tonight. But yeah I'm on auto pilot.
Found out that it was W new OM texting me today. I'm pissed, i need a smoke and I want to take my computer screen and throw it across the room. Why does it have to happen like this man? Why do people feel the need to cross lines they don't need to cross? Is the [censored] testing me to see how I would react well he knows now. I'm pissed. Please pray for me. I'm too [censored] tired to do this anymore. I'm just done, I'm done I'm done I'm done. How do you put up with this for years? I don't know how to do it, maybe i'm just too young or something or I just don't want to be dragged into the mud. GRRRR
Ohhhh my friend I feel for you as all of us are going through some kind of crap as well.
No matter what, tomorrow will be another day and you will feel a bit better.
I have been through all of this for over 2 years and about a month ago I stopped initiating contact with my WAW. It has been much better for me now with NC.
It will get better for you, I promise.
Focus on your awesome kids and good luck on art school !!
Don't sweat the portfolio. I am sure it's great. I went to art college and all they are looking for in a portfolio is that you are really eager and into it. You don't have to be a star artist, just be motivated.
Dear God.
It's me again and I'm here to say a prayer for my friend Wild. Please be with him tonight, and soothe his heart - he is hurting and sad and I think he feels overwhelmed and exhausted. Please fill him with the strength he needs to rise above the pain he's in; fill him with a sense of renewed purpose and energy to create so that he may stay focused on his dream of working as an artist. Please show him something, anything tomorrow like a bird singing or the pretty colors in the sky as it sets, to show him that there are still beautiful moments in the world and that this awful time of trial will be temporary. Thanks God. I appreciate you listening.
Take care Wild, thinking of you. PG.
whitneypinch and PG thank you for your words. PG that prayer couldn't have come at a better time for me last night. I got good rest and feel much better today. Keeping my head up. Writing down goals for today to hopefully kep me focused on important things rather than on my situation. I have taken a step back, a few steps back, rather than driving on.
ty you both
Aces..
Good morning Aces, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better today, and got some sleep last night. And good for you for writing down those goals! I never used to do things like that until lately, and continue to be surprised at how writing them down makes a difference. Good luck with finding the application fee for college... I'm sure it will come together for you somehow. Things like this always work themselves out. Take care, and keep posting.
Wild
Dude this sh*t does really suck but YOU need to take a step back and realize that YOU are not the problem. You need to stop letting this stuff get to you. I know it is hard - I do but really you need to distance yourself from this garbage. Remember YOU are in control of your reaction to things. So here is my advice...instead of focusing on the anger and fustration..ask yourself what can you learn from this. One thought I have is that you should now know how to deal with these type of text messages, which is ignore them and delete them. Take back your POWER dude - take back the control over YOUR emotions. She does not control you man - you control you - cause you are a fu*king ex ranger - you are the f*cking MAN! Now take back your POWER. This rollercoaster will be over when YOU say it is over.
Go enjoy your kids and let her reap the results of her actions.
God Bless,
Eric
oh...you know how to reach me when you feel this way buddy. Anytime...day or night...I'm here.
Wild
Dude this sh*t does really suck but YOU need to take a step back and realize that YOU are not the problem. You need to stop letting this stuff get to you. I know it is hard - I do but really you need to distance yourself from this garbage. Remember YOU are in control of your reaction to things. So here is my advice...instead of focusing on the anger and fustration..ask yourself what can you learn from this. One thought I have is that you should now know how to deal with these type of text messages, which is ignore them and delete them. Take back your POWER dude - take back the control over YOUR emotions. She does not control you man - you control you - cause you are a fu*king ex ranger - you are the f*cking MAN! Now take back your POWER. This rollercoaster will be over when YOU say it is over.
Go enjoy your kids and let her reap the results of her actions.
God Bless,
Eric
oh...you know how to reach me when you feel this way buddy. Anytime...day or night...I'm here.
Hey Eric, my main problem is I sorta want justice right now. I want her to be reaping and feeling the affects of what she has done RIGHT NOW!. Lol it is lame. But it is how I feel. I know God works on his own time and I am starting to realize that my W whoever she has become isn't that great of a person. I honestly think that she is biding time for the divorce till she can move in with now OM2 or is just waiting till her lease is up at her friends apartment(yeah she signed a lease to sleep on a couch.) I'm trying to not let what she does affect me and in a perfect world I would be ignoring her completely. NC is working with becoming un-attached. She is the one that contacts me and I usually keep it short when she does so. When the whole text message thing went down, I told her about it, it really did piss me off. I told her that if she ever calls me from someone elses phone to delete my number. She said that what OM did wasn't like him that he is a nice guy, I pretty much scoffed. I told her that she doesn't know him and that I shouldn't have to deal with someone texting me and treating me like I'm a messanger boy. I've let it go. From now on I'm not going to get sucked into it. I'm just going to delete or not answer calls from people I do not know. It just sucks that I'm now in this world where I'm going to have to deal with someone that probably thinks they have the right to do whatever they want because they are involved in my kids lives and my WAS's life. I'm driving the effe on. I am not going to let this bring me down any more. I know that I can control what I do and I'm going to do that. I just have to become more cognizant of my emotions. Protecting my children is the most important thing, I will be careful who I introduce them to and make sure that whoever does come into their lives they will not hurt by them.
All in all, the feeling of loneliness isn't going away. Even being around family and friends, loneliness is the one thing that I cannot shake. I know my friends can see it on my face and it sucks. I'm trying to let it go or move on from this feeling but that is the one that I am having a hard time with. I really miss getting to be affectionate with another person. Just to the point of getting to walk with them and hold their hand. Anger, sadness, grief not really feeling these. Anger does come but I usually get rid of it quickly or if I cannot I go out and beat the [censored] out of my heavy bag. I don't want to interalize anger, I do not want to become bitter about this and I certianly dont want to be damaged to the point where I can no longer trust or develope abandonment issues.
Sorry this is long winded but it has been a while since I really said anything about how I am feeling, I haven't ranted and it felt good to do so. You guys are a lot of help, I just wish I knew where I was going in this sitch. I don't really see any hope of reconciliation, but that might be because I don't want it.
Aces...
Wild
You say that you are letting go of the anger but this....
I sorta want justice right now. I want her to be reaping and feeling the affects of what she has done RIGHT NOW!.
is the anger that is NORMAL dude. It looks like you are letting it go. The key IMO is to try and avoid cycling.. I think the anger will come and go for some time. Just remember that you can control when you finally release it. You will release it when you feel ready to do so.
I'm trying to not let what she does affect me and in a perfect world I would be ignoring her completely.
Dude I know how hard this one is....Personally, I find that I need to remind myself that her actions are hers. I've said this to you before, you need to cut yourself a little slack dude. Once you get to a point of true detachment and acceptance that NOTHING you do will generate the result that RIGHT now you want..you will begin to distance yourself from this and then begin the process of piecing together the LIFE that YOU want. The life that YOU will control on YOUR terms.
I told her that she doesn't know him and that I shouldn't have to deal with someone texting me and treating me like I'm a messanger boy
So you've laid down a boundary - good. Now you need to stick to it. Next call that comes over that you do not recognize - don't answer.
All in all, the feeling of loneliness isn't going away.
Yep - Let me ask you a question.....What was YOUR LIFE like BEFORE you were M? What did you do to combat these feelings? Have you consider doing these things again.
I don't really see any hope of reconciliation, but that might be because I don't want it.
Hope is not based on anything you see, hear or feel - remember that. The feeling of not wanting it is the pain of rejection taht you are probably going thru right now. Just remember one key thing dude - YOU control your life. You do. You decide when you are done - only you.
God Bless,
Eric
Yep - Let me ask you a question.....What was YOUR LIFE like BEFORE you were M? What did you do to combat these feelings? Have you consider doing these things again.
I didn't have those feeling before I was married. I was either to busy or just didn't care, i got married at 21, i honestly cant tell you if I felt lonely, I was surrounded by people that had a common interest, I was in the army and didn't give a [censored] about anything, other than what I was doing that day, where we were going to go drink that night, and if my weapon was functioning properly. I know there are codependency issues and that is what I have to deal with. Some how I'll figure out what it is that defines me and I know I lost that by sacrificing the things that I loved to be with her. I'm gaining my confidence in my artwork and going back to school will help me gain more. Getting into school is my goal.
It just sucks to see her and know that for some reason this new guy is giving her something that I didn't have the chance to give her. It pisses me off that she is so willing to give up on me but I never gave up on her through her issues. It is crap man. There are so many things I want to say out of anger but I don't. I am setting boundries finnally and I need to set more. I dont' like the situation that I'm in because she is coming over every morning to watch our kids for a short amount of time before my D goes to school and then she takes my S to the day care she works at. I don't like her coming over every morning and I wish I could work it out to where she didn't have to, but with work this is the only way it will work out and I'm not going to have my children stay with her sleeping on the floor. It sucks that she really seems happier with out me and I wish I knew why. It is bad but in my heart of hearts I want her to be miserable(i know i know I cannot control this and I know it is far from detaching or forgiving). I'm venting. I know I can only control myself, what I really need is to stop wanting, do I really need to want. Wants and needs are so different, a need you cannot survive with out a want is something I desire and shouldn't in turn ask for because I do not need it.
I dunno, i'm bleh right now. Mainly because I just don't feel as though I deserve this. I felt as though for 7 years I poured my heart and soul into our M and for her to give up is lame, it comes down to her being bored with me and not having the will to help me like I helped her. For someone who not even a year ago wanted to re-new our vows to change her mind is what boggles my mind. It makes no sense, it just doesn't. She says she isn't influenced by the people around her but I feel as though it is a lie.
blah blah blah blah. I'm tired of hearing myself like this. lol It is driving me nuts. I just don't how to step out of this circle I'm going around and think of other things. Its like my brain will not shut off. Every moment I have to myself I am thinking about the crap she has put me through and the fact that she says she doesn't like to hurt me but yet she still does.
Sorry again just venting.
blah blah blah blah. I'm tired of hearing myself like this. lol It is driving me nuts. .... Sorry again just venting.
Better to vent here that at someone! I know what you mean - when I got M I was feeling differently and much fewer life problems. But, then i remind myself that I was still a "child" then - now I have kids.
My W has done a number on me, but I have to her, too. Do you think it is fair to say that in the first few years of M you also effected your W in some hard ways? Of course, an affair changes everything for you. It must be a hard time, but when you were in the military you (I presume) were taught about hard times. Consider this the most emotional but important challenge you have. Choose a direction and keep working at it.
Reading over my posts I realize I have no selfworth. Man that is a hole that I don't want to be in. How could I have let someone do this to me? Or better how could I have let myself dig my own grave? I need to find a way out by myself and I'm not sure I am ready to do that. I am scared...
I feel as though I have no helping hand, no way to see or seek out happiness. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I don't want to be here any more. I will find my way, I will be happy, I will be strong, I will not let her actions determine my behavior, I will not let what she is doing affect my ability to live. I will be strong I will be strong I will be strong. God help me.
blah blah blah blah. I'm tired of hearing myself like this. lol It is driving me nuts. .... Sorry again just venting.
Better to vent here that at someone! I know what you mean - when I got M I was feeling differently and much fewer life problems. But, then i remind myself that I was still a "child" then - now I have kids.
My W has done a number on me, but I have to her, too. Do you think it is fair to say that in the first few years of M you also effected your W in some hard ways? Of course, an affair changes everything for you. It must be a hard time, but when you were in the military you (I presume) were taught about hard times. Consider this the most emotional but important challenge you have. Choose a direction and keep working at it.
OTMT
Yes I'm sure me leaving overseas affected her in a hard way. Not knowing if I was going to come home. Or even being home and just training, wondering if I was going to die in an accident. This is a challenge but how do I stop from just giving up on myself? I am being hard on myself I know but right now I am just so fed up with the emotions that I have that I want to give up. I want to run away and unfortunately I want to run from everything
Everything. Never have I been destroyed like this before. I know that I need to be broken down to be rebuilt, that I need to work on myself in order to become the man that I need to be but shhit I feel as though I am taking on more than I can handle.
I totally get the desire to run away. Your W may have noticed this, too without realizing that she is part of the reason you feel that way.
Has your IC suggested a way to balance your feelings (reality vs self-blame?) You're going through a lot of tough emotions so your feelings are quite natural - getting down on yourself or giving up to avoid pain might not be helpful.
Good luck, man. Get through today and make it the happiest you can honestly do. There's an Islamic belief that God never gives a trial to someone greater than they can bear. Think about it this way...if you are going through this trial or 'punishment' for past sins, you CAN bear it. You ARE strong enough.
I totally get the desire to run away. Your W may have noticed this, too without realizing that she is part of the reason you feel that way.
Has your IC suggested a way to balance your feelings (reality vs self-blame?) You're going through a lot of tough emotions so your feelings are quite natural - getting down on yourself or giving up to avoid pain might not be helpful.
Good luck, man. Get through today and make it the happiest you can honestly do. There's an Islamic belief that God never gives a trial to someone greater than they can bear. Think about it this way...if you are going through this trial or 'punishment' for past sins, you CAN bear it. You ARE strong enough.
I don't think she has noticed, I tend to play it calm whenever she is around and I don't talk to her about anything other than the kids(if she asks about them) or mundane things. Those feelings of running away are just that feelings and I can choose not to feel them, it has just been overwhelming to the point that I can't stop right now.
I haven't been to IC in two weeks, but when I make my next appointment I will ask her.
I know God will not give me more than I can bare but damn he is laying it on pretty heavy right now.
thanks OTMT
Aces
Those feelings of running away are just that feelings and I can choose not to feel them, it has just been overwhelming to the point that I can't stop right now.
Hey Aces, umm... I'm gonna get girlie and talk 'feelings' on you here... sorry but I wanted to share this. Be careful about trying to stuff or 'think' feelings away. I tried to do that in my marriage for years - trust me - it doesn't work. I found, and my IC agrees, that trying to think them away tends to just make them come at you with a vengance. Ironically, I think the best thing to do if you want them to go away is to simply notice them. Feelings exist for a purpose; they're trying to tell you something - maybe not something literal, but there's likely a message there. Write about them. Just let them be there, take a moment to be still and quiet, and observe them. See what comes to your mind when you 'confront' them like that.
PG, talking 'feelings' isn't something I shy away from. I don't want to supress my feelings at all, I just know that I can choose to be sad or happy. I do recognize them and I have been facing them head on. Just lately I want to run, and fast. I will take your advice and sit down and just write, if anything it may help me to see things i'm not seeing about myself.
My situation however isn't getting better. My w threatened me last night by saying that she is going to move to her home town(which is two hours away) and that the kids will be going with her. I asked what makes her think that the kids will go with her, which her reply was Colorado is a Pro mother state so unless you can prove that I'm an unfit mother they will be with me. Well Colorado isn't, it is a 50/50 state and seeing as how my kids have been with me since we split up, that she made the choice to leave, I am not to afraid of her taking my kids from me. When this all started she said that she will stay close to where I live and that we will have 50/50, man how time changes things. I am going to be talking to a lawyer today to see what my rights are. I will fight for my kids and I think she knows that I will. I'm not willing to move from my job which is decent right now. What I am afraid of is that she is going to go into the court and lie her ass off so that she can take my kids and then I will become a true part-time parent. I have no desire to keep them from her I dont see why she would do the same to me.
Any advice about lawyers? I cannot afford to have a lawyer in the court room with me but can I talk to one for a small fee or for free?
Wild
I am so sorry that W has made these statements. Personally, I would say to tread lightly here. DO NOT TELL her that you are going to see a L. Begin to write down the things you do with the kids. DO NOT speak to the kids about this. This is really between you and her. In my sitch I just found out this morning that W is NOT willing to give me the kids 50% of the time - so I will need to fight this.
Your W may have made these statement because she is hurt and scared. As hard as that is to believe right now, she really is scared and hurt. She probably refuses to face her own issues and uses the comfort of OM to do this so you need to understand that you are NOT to blame for all of this. Do you have some fault or role in this - YES. It does take two to tango.
As for the kids, I would set up a consulation with an L to find out what YOU need to do to position yourself to have 50/50 with the kids. You may not need to file, you may not need to do anything but I do suggest that you find out what your rights are. Pay close attention to what the L tells you.
As hard as this is...as hard as it will be speaking to an L - you are still in control of YOU. You still decide what is right for YOU and your kids. No one here can tell what the right answer is - only you what you need to do. As I said earlier just make sure that you do not have regrets. I believe that you will do what is right.
God Bless,
Eric
Eric, Thank you for helping me not make mistakes and guiding me in this difficult time. A chapter in my life is at a close and I know that as hard as it will be to start writing a new one it will be for the better. I know that my children will know someday that I fought for something that was worth while. I don't know what the future holds for my w and I but I do know that letting her go completely is the right thing to do. She is in a place that I'm not welcome any more. I will grow from this and if I ever meet another I will be damn sure I do not repeat the mistakes I made. I will not compromise myself to make another happy. The sad thing is that my daughter and my son will not get to have the same experiances that I had growing up. I wish that my w was thinking of things like this but I know she cannot or will not.(mind reading I know)
Regrets regrets regrets, something that I do more than I like to admit. Praying to God asking him to let me just step back a few months or years to fix this, wow how I do not want to live like this any more. I think this is why Bruce Almighty is one of my favorite movies. Here is a man that has it great that if he just stop wanting and realized that he has all that he needs he would be happy. I'm Bruce, I would want and want, and never be truly thankful for what God blessed me with. Am I being punished? No I don't think so because we all have free will. She chose her path, I'm going to start my own, one that isn't nicely lit and easy. I'm going to start living for today. I will not regret that I didn't do today what I could have done yesterday. I will just do. How stupid I have been but my eyes are opened. I lost something I treasured beyond compair and the sad thing is she doesn't know how much I do love her. My heart isn't closed off to her, i dont think that I am capable of doing so. I just cant continue being married to someone that only has her interest at heart. I cannot fight for it any more.
Wild
A chapter in my life is at a close and I know that as hard as it will be to start writing a new one it will be for the better.
It is only CLOSED when YOU DECIDE to close it.
I know that my children will know someday that I fought for something that was worth while.
Yes they will and you will be able to stand as a MAN who did what was right!
You sound good man. Keep it up!
Eric
I had a...decent weekend. Took the kids to see a movie on friday, spent the entire day with them. Went to a family's house for a birthday and had a blast. Aside from the fact that stbxw called and tried to make me feel guilty for not going to the emergency room with her. Though she procrastinated for four days about going. I don't know, I had a good weekend.
Found out that she has an infection that has spread to her kedneys. Pretty much just makes me see that she isn't taking care of herself at all. It kills me because I want to help her and I want to be there for her, but it will result in nothing. I'll help her she will reap the benefits of me doing so and she'll still move on. I'll just be left feeling like I did all this for nothing.
Talking to my brother yesterday, and he said that he knows that I'm a person that doesn't like to be alone. That I want someone in my life that I can care for, and then said that I need to learn to live without it. Which is what I am doing. It is just hard. The feeling of loneliness is at times overwhelming. I guess this is where I need to GAL. I just need to do things without expecting another to be there.
Ouch. Sounds like a fair dose of passive-aggressiveness there hey? (for putting off going to the doctor then laying a guilt trip on your for not going to ER with her). That's a tough personality type to have to work around. I'm glad you didn't get sucked into the pattern, that's important for your boundaries and to protect your sense of self (believe me I've been there). And managed to have a good weekend with your kids - that's great to hear - and great for your kids too.
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely right now. Yes I think GAL will be really important. Do you have some activities you enjoy doing? I made a list of mine when I needed it, so I remembered to schedule time in for them through the week.
Ouch. Sounds like a fair dose of passive-aggressiveness there hey? (for putting off going to the doctor then laying a guilt trip on your for not going to ER with her). That's a tough personality type to have to work around. I'm glad you didn't get sucked into the pattern, that's important for your boundaries and to protect your sense of self (believe me I've been there). And managed to have a good weekend with your kids - that's great to hear - and great for your kids too.
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely right now. Yes I think GAL will be really important. Do you have some activities you enjoy doing? I made a list of mine when I needed it, so I remembered to schedule time in for them through the week.
Yeah it all felt pretty crappy, luckily i was surrounded by family and friends and when I left to blow off steam they didn't let me get to far, didn't let me be upset and pretty much made me realize that I shouldn't have to deal with it.
She also took my kids up to the mountians with OM2, called me on his phone and then expected me to wait for her to get home around 4 or 5. So I text her telling her that I wouldn't be there hoping that since it was mothers day she would maybe spend more than 3 hours with them on the weekend. No, no I was wrong. She got upset with me because I wasn't there, then dropped my kids off at my parents lying to them telling them that she was going to the hospital. She calls me tells me that she dropped them off and I hear someone in the back ground ask what time they are going to see a movie. I was like WOW really. Anyways I didn't let it bother me, I just let it go and went and picked my kids up, read them a story and sang a song to them.
I do have activities, honestly PG I just need to get over feeling sorry for myself and get motivated. I went through a funk and I'm just seeing that wanting and wanting and wanting is doing me no good. That I have what I need and should just be happy for it. I have goals I just need to do it. I need to write them down.
Anywho, I'm doing good today. Not feeling sorry for myself. Strength...
How is it my W can justify her actions? I don't understand it. I'm bloody confused as to how someone can treat another like she treats me. Expecting everything and yet returning nothing. Does it matter? Does any of this really matter? If someone can state with out a waiver in their voice and look me in the eye and tell me that someone else is taking better care of them what do I do? I have no desire to suffer any more. Honestly it isn't me that is suffering it is my children. Can one be so blind and bound to themselves that they don't see it. I'm tired of hearing "their children they'll bounce back" I don't care they shouldn't have to go through it at all.
W came over late last night and ended up crashing at the house. Said that she wasn't feeling good because of her kedney infection so she didn't want to have to wake up at 4 am to come to my house. So my kids think that since mommy is at the house that they can get away with not going to sleep and they keep crying. Well I stick to my guns and just keep sending them back to bed and making sure they stay in bed. I dont get upset I just stay adament about them keeping to their routine. Well W gets defensive and says that I don't have to be so 'angry' that since I(w) haven't been here that is why the kids are acting out. Well I say that just because you stay here one night doesn't mean that they should have their routine screwed up, that I have been doing it alone for four months and that they are going to sleep in their own beds and they will sleep. She goes on the defensive and says that I'm making her feel bad and that she is their mother and that I shouldn't make her feel that way. Well I stopped her there and told her that I'm not making her feel any way that if she feels bad or upset it is because of her not me. That I am just doing what I have been doing and it isn't going stop.
So I get little to no fricken sleep last night because she comes into my room and honestly I should have just told her not to. Every conversation we had last night went no where. She is moving out of her friends apartment some time soon and moving into another friends. Though I honestly think she is going to move in with OM.
I'm still being manipulated and controlled by what she does and says. Sad thing is she knows it. It is really hard to detach from someone that you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with.
Wildaces, I just read your post and couldn't help but comment. No, children do not bounce back from divorce so well. It leaves scars for the rest of their lives. That's just something WAS tell themselves to try and relieve their guilt or to justify what they have done. Except in cases of abuse children do not fare better in broken homes. Not only have I read this, I see it every day when I go to work at school.
Your W sounds like she is experiencing a lot of guilt. Let her spew roll off your back. Giving your children a set routine and sticking to it gives them security and at least one parent they can trust. You sound like you're doing a great job in a difficult situation.
Take care of yourself, too. Detach further, you can't reason with your W at this time so don't even try. Validate where you can and let the rest go.
You have far more control over the sitch than you realize and I know that's hard to see when you're right in the middle of it.
Take care.
seeking, I totally agree with you that my w is experiencing a lot of guilt. I don't let it bother me when she gets angry and pretty much I just roll with the punches, the only punch I cannot roll with is her taking the kids from me.
It really doesn't seem like I have any control most of the time. I just really do what I feel is right. Which is protecting my kids.
Wife admitted that this was all her fault last night, don't really know if she was trying to pull me into something but I told her that this situation was caused by both of us. She then goes on to say that she is the one that will be at fault because she walked away. I didn't really know how to validate what she was saying. I told her that we have/had our faults and that if she had just been honest and open with me I would have made the changes. It really pisses me off when someone says people don't change.
Anywhoo, I found out about a new job, which will give me just over a 6 dollar pay raise. So I'm going to be going out there to apply today.
Keep your heads up people, thanks for everything.
Had a phone consultation with a L, pretty much told me nothing that I didn't already know, and my only concern was my wife taking my kids to her home town and me becoming a 72hr dad. Wish I could afford to retain one but I cannot. My only fear is that she will go in there and lie her ass off but at least I know that I will be telling the truth. I have no idea what to do other than make this as easy as possible. We have no assets, I don't own a house, and my only car that I do own is standard which she cannot drive any ways. But it does seem like she is getting everything she wants. Should I care? I know that I do to the extent of splitting time with the kids, but as far as material things I don't care, well except my computer which i use for art. But other than that I don't care.
My situation crumbled beneath me fast. But I think about her and I do love her but how can I hold onto her when she has been clawing her way out of my life. How do I do this? She seems to be thinking more about what she has done but still really shows no remorse as to how she treated me. She says she is sorry for hurting me but I don't think she will ever appologize for cheating on me(which she still says she hasn't). One day I hope that she can forgive herself. I do feel as though I am on the path to forgiving her but it is a long path. I think about it and I still feel burned.
What I am wondering is should I still be asking her to do things with as a family in order to give my children a sense of stability? To show her that I am willing to put aside the hurt and have a good time with our kids together? I feel that I should be but I dn't know if she is willing.
I want to rant but honestly don't know what to rant about. A lot has happened to me today mainly finding out that w and OM2 have been sleeping together for a while now. Yay!!
I got a new job, and i'm looking forward to it.
I will be gone for a while, i feel as though I have nothing left to do other than completely detach and just work on me(which I should have been doing from the beginning). I love every single one of you and the advice you have given me.
I'll see you around
Aces
Good luck. Remember that her mental stability explains some of her behaviour - so DON'T BLAME YOURSELF for everything. It isn't your fault she went to that sin...
Patience and time. Things change.