I started last week after finding this site to back off. After reading the book, I really did a 180 and started doing things for myself and GAL. Well, I can already see the signs....
Last night I was leaving the house to take my D to basketball practice when my W pulled up. I waved and started to get in the truck. Instead of going on in the house like she usually does, she came over to the truck, so I stopped and talked. I could tell something was different. We talked for just a short time and I left telling her we needed to get to practice. (ending the conversation before she did). When we got home, she had dinner ready and we all ate. She commented on how good the bedroom looked (I had done some cleaning) and left to get a few things at the store. When she got back, the kids and I were folding laundry, so she helped. I got the impression all evening that she really was having second thoughts. Just the way she acted.. I just watched tv, took a shower and went to be. I told her the normal good night and that was it.
This morning, she came in the bedroom to the masterbath and started her water. Then, she got in bed for a few min while the water ran. I held her for a few seconds and then rolled over, not to give too much. This is the first time she has gotten in bed with me in over two weeks!!!!! I didn't say anything and just kept my normal conversation the rest of the morning. She said bye to me 3 times before she left. Very good signs!
The point is, I changed my attitude and my approach toward her. Its working, so I am keeping with it and watching my goals to adjust as needed. Just had to tell someone!!!
Keep up the work guys and galls its worth it!!!!
That is awesome! It it amazing when you see how little changes in what we usually do can make a difference. Don't get discouraged if there is any backslide...cause that can happen too! Remember, the Divorce Busting coaches are available to help support you and figure out the best techniques to use in getting your marriage back on track. Take care.
Karen
I am expecting that there will be setbacks, but I am prepared for them! I have my confidence back now and I am not going back!
Thanks for the support!!!
Update - Setback...
Well, it happened quicker than I thought, but I am not too discouraged... See, right now she gets upset when our friends talk to me about stuff. I am not sure why but she has this, your friend/my friend syndrome instead of our friends. So she got upset last night and this morning because our friends had talked to me about some things instead of talking to her. Again, the fog talking. But instead of getting into it with her and going back and forth, I just told her that I had text him and he was returning my question and left it at that. She tried to prod me a couple times during the morning, but I ignored it. I have learned that if I let her alone, she usually cools off. We'll see how it goes tonight.... Small steps!
Update # 2 - No going as good...
Well, last night she wanted to talk, so we did. I stayed calm the entire time!! She basically tried to hurt me as much as possible, saying that she didn't love me and never would, wished she had left a long time ago, etc. We discussed my MLC and of course she said that she wasn't going through that. She did admit that she was depressed a lot, but that she could not be happy with me.
But here is the main thing I wanted to share and get input on.
First, she says that I have turned her freinds against her. We have mutual friends that were divorced and are now getting back together. They have been very supportive of us over this time. She started talking to them about us first and then I did too. Nice to have someone that you can vent and ask questions of. Basically, since they are both telling her that she should work on the M, then they are taking my side and therefore I have turned them against her. I told her that maybe they know first hand how it works and are telling her what they thing is in our best interest... She didn't buy it.
Second, she tells me that for 15 years that I was not the husband I should have been and didn't have her as my high prioritty. I agreed because that is accurate. Then she tells me that for the past year and a half I have been the husband that I should have always been and that she always wanted. She actually said that! Now she is mad at me and mad at herself I guess for putting up with me for 15 years. But she won't just enjoy the change and work on our M together. She did say that a leopard never changes and that I would go back. I said that I wouldn't, that it had been 19 months now and that I had made some life altering changes that would stick this time.
I stopped the discussion by saying that our friends and I care a lot about her and are here for her when she is ready. This morning she seemed to be in a good mood and I complemented her on how she looked. She said thank you. Small steps! But they go both ways I guess.
right now she gets upset when our friends talk to me about stuff...She tried to prod me a couple times during the morning, but I ignored it. I have learned that if I let her alone, she usually cools off.
It might be that she doesn't want you talking about her with others. Regardless, I am sure completely ignoring it is not going to be your answer. She was definitely bothered by it because it was on her mind the next morning. If you are going to talk to people about "stuff" find someone that is not a mutual friend. It justs sets you back. She will end up pushing those friends away because they invalidate her and her feelings. Perhaps, just post/vent here. Might want to reread well-meaning friends section in DR book. You get some bad advice. They just don't know you and your sitch, no matter how much you tell them and how much they know. They are not qualified.
I told her that maybe they know first hand how it works and are telling her what they thing is in our best interest... She didn't buy it.
sounds pursuing and invalidates her feelings. The friends my WAW had before separation she never contacts now. Think about it for a second, a friend, family member whatever is going to convince her to do something different...I just don't believe it.
Now she is mad at me and mad at herself I guess for putting up with me for 15 years...She did say that a leopard never changes and that I would go back. I said that I wouldn't, that it had been 19 months now and that I had made some life altering changes that would stick this time.
My WAW is mad like that for seeing my changes, acknowledges them, blah blah, she has said that in 5-10 years she'll have to be there for 5D when I go back to whatever. All of that is to say you wife is not convinced. You just need to be consistent and patient. In 19 months, you undoubtly made some changes, were you consistent? Doesn't sound like she is convinced. Also, "would stick this time"...sounds like you've tried before and dropped the ball on something important to you and her also.
saying that our friends and I care a lot about her and are here for her when she is ready.
be careful how you say things, it could really feel like "we care about you while you are not well"...lot of pressure
I have stopped talking about us with those friends. That all happened before I found this site.
The reason I say that it will stick this time, is that we had a really good year when our youngest was born. That was, even in my mind, one of our best years. I have used that to look back at what I did differently during that time. However, I think that the pregnancy caused that temp change and of course it didn't last.
I do think your exactly right. She needs time to be convinced. I have never in the past had this type of change. I didn't think I needed to in the past. Man was I wrong! I have made a lot of strides in the last 18 months, but this book has shown me that there are still things that I need to work on.
I can see now how that sounded... That is not what I meant, but that is probably what she heard... (Dang it!)
My plan is to be consistant, give her the distance she needs, but be there for her and love on her when I can.
Thanks for the input.
My plan is to be consistant, give her the distance she needs, but be there for her and love on her when I can.
even it is what she heard, she knows you are there and that is important. Don't repeat it. She heard it once. Now you can do it with your actions
whenshe reaches out. You can only do your 180's, GAL, etc...let her see the new you do more of them if need be. Just make sure you are doing them for you. And give her space she needs. Hounding her will just push her further.
I agree. Its been a really hard couple days. The problem I have is that I am so attracted to her and we had any affectionate moments in about 3 weeks. I am trying to be strong, but my desire for her is stronger!
Know how that goes...just got to have strength...give her what she needs and wants...3 weeks is not long compared to eternity. Be strong and keep up your changes(180's).
I am sure there are a lot of people on these boards that have the same problem. I just try to treat her as if I am courting her again, with not expectations. I dream everynight for that day when she comes back to me....
I just try to treat her as if I am courting her
at the moment, it would be nice to just to be able to talk to my friend again.
I feel the exact same way. Its like my best freind and the love of my life has died and I didn't even get to say goodbye...
Hey jmw123. I looked back at your early posts and it seems like we are in similar sitch. What is the update on yours? Have you posted one lately???
Sdog I've been posting under my
Solution Journal...I am trying really hard to set 3 good DB goals and a set of subgoals - almost guidelines - to achieve those goals.
Very short version update as you asked
Sdog- I showed her 5D dance videos off my cell yesterday and we were as closes as two people can be without touching...except for our fingers grazing several times while holding/watching cell...So, that's that...no holding hands, no contacts - unless like "business", about 3 weeks of positive interactions with no negatives and no D talk for 4 weeks.
I just read your SJ and am impressed. I tried to pm you but it would not send for some reason. I understand the grazing thing, that has happened a few times in the last few days and its a great thing!! I am lucky that my W is still in the house at this point. She has talked about leaving, but nothing yet. Seems like this week has been good. We have great conversations, we laugh and spend time with the kids, but nothing physical at all. Small steps!!!
why? I don't understand.
I think you can only PM moderators...just post away in my solution journal...it's not like a private diary, lmao...i just post way more there b/c it's got my name on it...rofl.
Small steps...that's exactly it...be consistent and patient. Keep up the hard work and your 180's. It does make a difference.
I am lucky that my W is still in the house at this point.
you are. If I had known then what I do now...well...a lot of us would not be here. You have a great opportunity with the contact u2 have...gl in all you do.
gl2uall
I am just impressed with the progress you have made and your dedication to your marriage.
Well, I have to honest. I am just about at my breaking point. Right now I am not sure if being in the same house is the best thing or not.... She has been so mean and hurtful to me this weekend! I know I have made mistakes in our relationship, but no one deserves to be treated like she has treated me over the past few months. (ofcourse we all know that she has not been the perfect angel in our relationship either, it takes two)
I have bent over backwards for her, I have given her space and time, I have been here for her and its not good enough. I could handle her being distant and trying to figure things out, but to go out of her way to just belittle and be mean, I just don't know how much I can deal with anymore. I can feel me slipping farther away from wanting this to work out and that kind of scares me a little. I deserve better treatment.
Keep strong. It'll be worth it. My WAW was angry for at least 3 months maybe 4. She is hurt now and that is why she treats you like that. Be strong. GAL. Don't be available for the opportunity for her to be ugly.
I have bent over backwards for her, I have given her space and time, I have been here for her and its not good enough.
perhaps you are working to hard. You say time and space but then say there for her. Seems conflicting/contradicting.
It's worth it and you know it. Don't give up. She won't be able to be mean to you forever if you are consistent and patient.
gl2u
I went through stages... I tried to be there for her and ended up coming off smothering and all that. So for the last several weeks I have kept my distance and tried not to ask any questions of her and just stay out of her way. While, for the most part, that has made things better, this weekend was horrible. She was so mean and hateful. I am better now, but it was really bad. I know down deep that its worth it, but that doubt is creeping in.
Thanks for the support. I am trying! I am just tired of the constant depression and crap. Its hard to GAL when she is still right there, rubbing it in my face all the time. I think that she is trying to hurt me because she has been hurt. I don't know. Still working!!!!!!
So for the last several weeks...
give your methods time...sounds like a new approach. Be consistent and patient. Things will not change on your timetable...but hers.
That is what I am struggling with. I know that in my mind, but my heart has other ideas! I don't have to tell you how hard it is, but beeing close to her and not being able to be close to her is killing me.
The big problem is that many times in the past I have taken her for granted and not given her the attention that she needs. Now that I understand that and have changed my priorities, giving her space seems like going back to the old me. I don't like the old me!
Thank you for the continued help, jmw128. I appreciate all your input!
I know that in my mind, but my heart has other ideas! I don't have to tell you how hard it is, but beeing close to her and not being able to be close to her is killing me.
I understand...but you should take that as a positive. I don't get to be near my WAW. I get to talk with her little. Build from where you are. Don't focus on what you
want. Give her what she needs. Show her your 180's. I understand your big problem paragraph. But you can still show your 180's... I didn't like the old me either. Give time for yourself and her while being consistent and patient. You can do it.
Being consistent is pretty easy, because the changes are permanent. I have really come around to what is important. Its the patience that I have trouble with, but I am doing better. The last few days have been really good. I am hoping the steps keep coming. I am not expecting much, I have two goals that I am hoping in the next two weeks to achieve and then I will go from there.
How is your sitch going???
I think things are slowly changing for the better. Thanks for asking. Patience is hard...but you must adhere to your goals and for me the subgoals that allow you to attain your goals. Like for me no unnecessary calling or something like that...sometimes it is really really hard when you get in a funk, but you have to lean somewhere else. Don't ruin your efforts by backsliding around them.
Consistency, patience, and time...it's worth it...you know it is.
gl2u
I have just been trying to give her space and not bug her about who she's texting or where she's going or whatever. I do pretty well with that. I have continued to have an interest in her as far as her work and that kind of thing. The problem is I am not sure if just doing the 180's in this area is good enough or if I should be doing the last restort. For a couple weeks I pretty much backed off completely and have now started easing back in showing a little affection when the time feels right. If it doesn't, then I back off. (if it doesn't work, etc) Is that the right approach?
We had an old friend in this last week and she and W talked a lot. She seemed to think that I was going to be ok, that W still loved me but was guarding her heart and was mad at me right now. She said that I had to be patient, but as long as I stayed consistent with my attitude toward my W, she felt it would be ok. That was good news coming from her!!
The thing is, It's like I can see her letting her guard down sometimes and then before you know it, she is back to keeping me at a distance. That is a good sign I know, but its just so hard to see that and not be able to act on it. I have some goals set for the next two weeks. I just can't screw this up!!!
be patient, but as long as I stayed consistent with my attitude toward my W, she felt it would be ok.
that's what we said yesterday or day before...be patient and consistent. it's going to take time. No rush. In contrast to the rest of your life, this brief period to give to your WAW is nothing.
Your right and I know I keep repeating myself, but it really helps to come on here and do that for some reason. I need that release and support I guess.
jmw128, thanks for all the help and input. I hope I can repay the same sometime...
Anytime...feel free to input all your want on my current or solution journal threads.
goals set for the next two weeks.
you've said this a number of times. You haven't said what they are. And I wonder if in two weeks are those goals done and you have different ones. I am trying to be positive but unsure what you are thinking when you say goals. Just want you to consider that and above all
Be consistent. Hate to be a repeating mess but you have to be consistent, otherwise you send different messages...my goals are goals that I would want to continue and then to enhance...are yours?
You have such a great opportunity to show your 180's b/c of not being separated. You must be consistent with them. I do think you need to be careful showing affection. Be careful, you'd don't want to send pursuing messages...let her take the lead, you follow. I am not talking about any bedroom type issues...just be consistent and patient. I know it is hard, but it could be worse.
but it really helps to come on here and do that...
I know how you feel. I believe that's why they say writing a journal is therapeutic. It does help collect your thoughts. And the bonus is that you get to vent/grief/share joy here and not blunder, backslide, etc. with the WA.
gl2u
My current goals are as follows:
1. Have fun and interesting conversations without talking about us, family, etc. - This is working very well right now.
2. For her to start sleeping in the bedroom with me again.
3. For us to increase physical contact. We have been touching more and more over the past weeks and I want that to continue. I have started giving her a kiss on the head at night when I go to bed.
As these are completed, I eventually want her to put her ring back on, and then work on peicing. At some point in the distant future, I want to be able to talk with her about R to set goals together for the future. I know this will take a lot of time...
I have set my affection as this. I am still not calling, texting or emailing right now. I only show affection in the morning and before bed. (good morning and good night) I want her to feel like I am giving her space but at the same time show some affection at those good moments. If she is willing, I am sure ready! I am basically taking what she gives and not expecting much. Its like we are dating again, I try some things and she lets me do what she is willing to.
If she does come back to bed, my plan is to sleep on the opposite side and not touch her for the first week or so. We always used to cuddle and she could not sleep without touching me. We will have to build back up to that.
If you think I am off line with any of this, please tell me!
Ask yourself when making goals "what do you want more of in your relationship." Now having stole that from another post...I can safely say that I am far from giving goal advice but I can ask the following...
regarding #2) What would it take before that happens?
#1 - fun and interesting can be vague...what do you mean by this? You say it is working so what is it about the conversations that is working? I feel like I know what you mean but I was asked the same question when I said I want meaningful conversations with my WAW. It is vague. Be specific.
#3 increase physical contact - vague, you are touching, so what do you want. perhaps increased or maybe her to initiate a kiss or something. I think physical contact is vague. If you are touching that is physical contact. So, I think you need to be more specific and I am not talking bedroom...I had this goal once, but changed it b/c I think a lot more needs to happen first, but I specifically said things like hold hands...
I am not good a goals, so as a suggestion, you might want to notify a moderator - you can do this by clicking notify on your post and leaving them a message and why. They can give you some help...way more than I can.
You do want action oriented and positive and I would wonder if changing "for us" to "for her". Your subject in each one changes, #1 is nobody but implied you two, #2 is her and #3 is specific "us". I imagine it'd be helpful to state those as either her or you.
You mention a good bit after your goals...I'd put all those on the shelve. Pick two or three goals - refine them. Then set your sights on JUST THOSE. If need be make a list of ways to achieve those goals. I have a long list like for example - talk less, listen more, avoid awkward topics, blah blah. By doing that you set your sights on just the most important things. Obviously my goal is to get home, but a lot needs to happen before. So that is not one of my three goals. I hope that helps clarify what I mean.
Have you tried a DB coach session? I imagine they could give you tremendous insight/advice on your sitch. Pricey, I know, but it's worth it...
p.s. I notified moderator to look at your goals and assist you. I just feel they would point you clearer.
I am not the best at goals either, as you can tell.
#1) What I mean is just to have non relationship talks about life. The great thing is, we have been doing that a lot lately. Just her talking to me about what is important to her. We used to be best friends and I think we are getting back to that....
#2) She has to get confortable with me again and get rid of some of her anger and resentment. Update at the bottom....
3) That is vague... We do have physical contact quite a bit. The ultimate goal is kissing, but I think holding hands would be a good start.
UPDATE: Well, last week my W got the chance to talk and let some things out with a 3rd party. This is something I thought she needed, but she would not do. Since that time, I have noticed a big difference. She seems to be trying to open up some. We had a GREAT weekend together. We talked, we danced, and she even talked about the future again. She even slept in the bed again on night. I am so excited, but I am trying not to show it around her.
Last night, she slept on the couch again, but I think that will take time to stick. I have offered a kiss each night before bed and she accepts it on the forehead. I am of course hoping for a real kiss soon, but I am taking what I can get. No I love you, no kisses yet, but I can see her wanting to try more. I am just sitting back and letting it happen. I think she can see that I am not pushing even when she gives a little, so its making it easier for her.
It has been very hard to not be excited! When she left this morning I wanted a kiss, but she didn't open up to it, so I just told her bye. It bothered me a little, but we have made so many steps this weekend... I am very happy with what I am seeing. Maybe tonight she will open up a little more. She wants to start walking at night and wants me to join her!!!!
Good things happening in my world. Just hoping the backslide is not too bad....
backslide is not too bad....
that's kind of negative...do you anticipate blundering into your old ways?
Her pace...kind of seems like you are working hard...just enjoy the ride...
happy for you...it sounds like you are headed the right direction.
gl2uall
No, but I fear that she will give some and then pull back. That is not a fun thing at all. Its like me seeing those good things and then having the bad come back....
I am trying. So far so good....
Thank you so much! I hope we continue to get better.
No, but I fear that she will give some and then pull back.
that is not a backslide...that's just her yo-yoing/roller-coaster ride for you whatever...backslide is a screw-up, like you doing your "old ways...
That I am not worried about! I don't ever want to be that person again!!!
Ditto that...perhaps mine will see that one day...
Mine too. She is still not convinced... Things are better, but she is still not ready to work on it yet. We are getting a long great, but there is still doubt in her mind. Time is on my side I think.....
We are getting a long great...
hang your hat on that...Be happy with all you get to do with her. Forget about all that other, especially reading her doubtful mind... BTW, time is with us all, use it wisely...
Well, last night was horrible. She was cold and mean and hateful. She brought up moving to a different town without us again even. I stayed positive and just let her be last night. She fell asleep on the couch so I took her a pillow and took off her glasses for her. Of course I didn't get a thank you or anything, but she was better with me today.
I asked her last night if she wanted to rent a movie and watch something together tonight. Just a nice quiet night at home... We have a big long weekend out of town coming up. Anyway, she said that she might go to a make-up party tonight and even acted like she didn't want to tell me where it was.
I don't know... It's just not a good deal again. I am going to leave her a lone today and see what happens... This lonelyness is getting old.
last night was horrible. She was cold and mean and hateful. She brought up moving to a different town without us again even.
do you ever get a clue when you should back up and do something different...sounds like that you got the message quickly that she was cold, but then were available for her to proceeded with negatives of that moving conversation and other "mean and hateful" things...just a thought. You can "as if", 180, GAL, etc...but I don't see the point in provoking/feeding the negative. You seem very available - available for movie time and yet negative time...try some GAL things - for you and you only.
...took off her glasses for her. Of course I didn't get a thank you or anything
you are expecting to much...preacher talked about real love the other day. He had several points but here's one that applies to us - Real Love is loving and expecting nothing in return. Feels good when you show love this way...don't be hurt that she didn't say thank you. Feel good because you did it for her...the end.
We have a big long weekend out of town coming up.
that's vague...what's up. together plans?
Anyway, she said that she might go to a make-up party tonight and even acted like she didn't want to tell me where it was.
she told you. she is sharing be happy with that...are you prying? or controlling? I ask because you say "acted like she didn't want to tell me where it was"...kind of sounds like she mentioned it and you asked more about it.
I don't know... It's just not a good deal again. I am going to leave her a lone today and see what happens...
things change, you sound like you are working too hard. Also, one day...that is not long.
I was thinking the same thing today. I need to watch for that and just make myself scarce! Very good advice.
I didn't expect anything from what I did, but it would have been nice. That is a good point.
Well, we will be with our D at a basketball tournament this weekend. Good bonding time if she is in a better mood. I will be "as if" and see how it goes.
I did ask about where it was. I guess I should not have done that. Getting too close again and I need to back off. I have not contacted her today at all. I was just easing back into it as she let me because things were getting better the last couple of weeks. premature of me!
I think I may be working too hard. The lonelyness is getting to me a little. I just saw us doing better and thought I took bigger steps than I should have.
I really appreciate you keeping me grounded. Don't know what I would do without this forumn.
that's a great way to be.
I was just easing back into it as she let me because things were getting better the last couple of weeks. premature of me!
don't be so hard on yourself...you are doing good. It's easy for me to see b/c I don't get the communication you do.
The lonelyness is getting to me a little. I just saw us doing better and thought I took bigger steps than I should have.
two thoughts here...I have hear you say lonely like several times lately. You need to go find something to do GAL. Go fish, bowl, movie, I don't know something just go do something. Don't sit and be lonely, that is miserable and definitely not attractive...sounds sad puppy dogish. Been there done that. Point two. This is her journey, you are lucky to be at home, or maybe as an analogy in the car with her. Be glad you are in the passenger seat or maybe even the trailer behind the truck...but make this clear, she is driving...you are following. She will speed up or slow down as she sees fit. You have zero control over that. Just do your 180's, GAL, etc...and just be glad you are there.
I am GAL. I stay really really busy. I have started playing Guitar at church again, hanging with the guys, working on projects, etc.... The lonelyness is just something that I have to contend with. I have always been a very affectionate guy... Some think that is sissy or gay, but thats just the way I am. So having her there, but not getting any of that right now has been really hard. I am dealing, but no matter how much I do, I still have that to deal with.
Thanks! I means a lot for someone who is going through similar stuff to say how good I am doing. I just had a bad day. Its just one day out of many....
I will post on Monday again some good news from the weekend!!
You have a great one too. Hope you are able to take a few steps this weekend!
The lonelyness is just something that I have to contend with.
I know...it's that non-occupied time. Not a lot to do about that...GAL for the rest but there is going to be that other time. Perhaps, and this isn't from what I do, reflect on your GAL time, maybe that will help.
I hope you have a great weekend...I am pulling for you... Proverbs 3:5-6.
gl2u
Well, things kind of came to a head last week. I finally just told her that she had to make a decision.
I took her out to eat and we talked. I told her where I was coming from and that if she chose to try and trust me again, I would not let her down. I told her I would fight to the end with her if thats what she chose, however, if she just felt like she didn't want to, then that was fine and that I was ready to move on with my life if that is really what she wanted. This past weekend was GREAT! Things still are not 100%, but we are working. She has come back to bed and we are peicing things back. There are still times when I feel very insecure, but I fight those times. She has not put on her ring yet, but I am not going to push that for a while. I am hoping that she just does that on her own soon.
Keep praying for me, but things are better.
How are things with you?
Sounds like you went with the "Hope for the Separated" by G Chapman approach. I've thought of doing that before. In my sitch, I don't think I'd get the response I would want at this time. I think at some point I would get to a place where I would do this and be ready for either choice she makes. I guess if you draw a line in the sand, you better be ready to live with it.
Things are slightly different for me over the last months, but not in Stage 2 yet. She is friendlier but not "friends again" yet. I am taking it very slow and not contacting her at all unless I have to, which seems to come up to often...like taxes coming up requires it. You get the point. You can read all you want in my journal...post there if you like...
congrats on your decision and things working better - keep working - it always a work in progress - seek improvement...gl2u
I will take a look soon. I have been so busy lately, I have not had a chance too. I am glad things are still progressing for you. I hope that stage 2 comes sooner than later!
how r u doing? any updates?
Its just confusing... She has been talking about taking a job in a new town and living with a friend. She would make more money there... Then the next day she is talking like she doesn't want to rush into D, but she doesn't know what she wants. Then the next day she cuddles with me and holds my hand during church...
Thanks for asking.
This is just crazy. We went out of town this last week with our D to a sports event she was in. We had an amazing week with the event and just spending time together with her. The thing is that my W and I had an amazing week too.
Before we left, we discussed our situation and I had decided that I really wanted her to be happy and she wasn't with me anymore, so we had decided that when we got back yesterday that we were going to stop living together and that I was going to get information about starting the paperwork. I am horribly upset at what I had done to her in the past and the thought of her being miserable in that house with me was more that I could stand, so I decided to give her what she wants and let her go find happiness. Well, we discussed this and she agreed to split up, but did not want to rush into the D because of the kids. She stated that she really didn't know what she wanted yet.... I just said that we would talk about it when we returned and go from there.
Well, this last week was amazing. She held my hand, we kissed, we cuddled, and we enjoyed each other again! All of this was her starting it for the most part. She even told me that she loved me again!!!!
The problem is that last night, once we got back home, she kind of slipped back again... But this morning was pretty good again. I am just hoping that we are back on the road to piecing! I think she still has some issues with the past, but it seems like she wants to work on this... I just don't know, I still have a lot of doubts..... I am very insecure!
You are pushing the issue to much, in my opinion...people on here will talk about yo-yoing or the rollercoaster all the time. You have a great time, be glad about it, don't expect all to be solved just b/c you show each other affection. Yo-yoing = great time then a bit later, recoil back to mess. You have to live with it. Keep your PMA up, yet try not to ride every wave with her. Be there, but you cannot live up and down all the time. It will wreck you.
I certainly would not be pushing splitting. That is not going to get you where you want to go. It is much harder to show your changes when you don't have ample opportunities.
You can give her space w/o leaving. This isn't something you want, so once again, I would not be pushing the envelope. You've said what you have had to say twice...I wouldn't again. Let her bring up R/M stuff and if she does, validate, understand, listen and say less. By her saying she did not want to rush D, tells me she is unsure. So, be happy with that and as I've said several times, don't push. This is her journey, you are the passenger...if you want to get kicked out of the car, start driving...
just my thoughts...gl2u
I think your exactly right, but I want her to be happy so much! At that time, I really thought that it would be best if I just let her go and do what she wants so she would be happy again. Luckily I was wrong! She has started opening up to me more. We kiss, we cuddle and she has even started saying I love you again!!!! I almost cried the first time she said it.... We were almost intimate a couple nights ago because it was my birthday. She was going to ML for my birthday, but we talked first. We agree that we are making steps and I told her that I didn't want to rush anything and mess that up. I could wait until she was ready, so we didn't. That was the hardest thing I have done in a long time!
She says that she just doesn't want it but that when she does that she will want it with me.... I just wish she would to see someone that she could talk to. She has some issues that I can't help her with. All I can do is give her time! Its really hard, but this forum is really helping!
Thanks!
I want her to be happy so much! At that time, I really thought that it would be best if I just let her go and do what she wants so she would be happy again.
I understand, but you leaving is not the answer. Some, perhaps more than you know, is just about her, not you. You are focused a lot on yourself and how it effects her. Just enjoy your time together.
She has some issues that I can't help her with.
"issues" sounds negative. Be supportive. This thought helps me...real love is loving and expecting nothing in return. Love her. don't think issues, make it seem like it's just her problem.
be patient, I think that'll help you a lot...don't push so hard and be patient.
You have no idea how much you help me! I was thinking the exact thing today. I am really enjoying my time getting to hold her and kiss her again. Why should I want any more than that???
Thanks for keeping me grounded!
NP...easy to see from my not there yet perspective...u r doing fine...just be patient...and for goodness sake don't push so much. holding each other, kissing, this is fantastic...u r doing great...keep it up
remember she is driving the car. you are the passenger. she is in control. don't rock the boat...blah blah
gl2u
Thanks again... It is good!
Well, she was down last night... We sat next to each other on the couch and text to each other for about an hour. She said she was thinking about stuff. I just offered her an ear if she wanted it. I have tried to not push, but at the same time make myself available to her. I told her that I was here for her and that nothing she could say or do would make me lover her any less. She said that she didn't want to talk about it, she just needed time to think about her feelings. I told her that was ok and that if she wanted to talk I was here to listen or offer a big hug. She seemed better this morning and told me she loved me when she left. Like you said, its her trip, I am just a passenger....
I think she is just so scared of getting hurt again by me and that she has major doubts sometimes. We had such a great week and weekend and now shes down again. I wish there was more I could do for her....
She said that she didn't want to talk about it, she just needed time to think about her feelings.
it just sounds to me like you are pushing to hard. She will talk about things when she wants to. You can be understanding and be there for her by doing. Once again, you've told her, so now you don't need to repeat it. Just show her by your actions now.
...hurt again by me and that she has major doubts...
two thoughts. 1) BY ME...this isn't all about you. You can only work on yourself by GAL, 180's, etc. You cannot control her. But this in no way is just about you. That took me forever to learn. You cannot blame yourself. You can see your mistakes and work on them, but quitting is their fault. Furthermore, they are not perfect either...it's both spouses responsibility to make it work. 2) you are very much worried about her especially when you say major...that sounds very negative. You need to realize that you are doing fine. You just need to relax. Enjoy the time you spend together and stop pushing so hard. You didn't get into this mess in one day, and you aren't getting out in one either.
gtg...gl...u r doing fine
Your right, its not all about me, but all I see right now is my failures and my problems. I am working on them and that is all I can do. I have turned my life over to God and I want to get back on the path that He has for me!
We talked last night and we very honest with each other. She wants to feel the way she should, but she doesn't. She asked for time alone to think about things and I told her that was fine. She spent last night at her sisters. I don't think she knows what she wants, but she is just not happy with herself right now. Like you said, a lot of this is about her, not me. I have made changes and now she has to decide what she is going to do. You and I both know that if she leaves without addressing those issues, she will still not be happy. I am just going to let her go for now and just be there and really GAL and keep my distance. I am going to be ok now. I still worry about her, but its out of my hands. I have myself and the kids to work on and that will keep me busy for the summer!
Hope all is well with you and thank you so much!
She wants you around with the affection, etc... you just need to not push. Be there. But not always there so to speak. Do GAL but I wouldn't go out of my way of not being there. You are right you can work on yourself and put God first.
Me, well not nearly as good as you...after hour and 20 minute somewhat positive phone conversation last night, W completely changed topic and said, "I am happy for you. It really bothers me you are still wearing your ring. You need to let go." I responded after a long pause, "I am sorry you feel that way. I did not call to talk about us. I called for blah blah..." So, I don't know how to take it. My response is a 180. My DB coach says I am teetering on stage 2 - Friendship...I just don't know when she brings up ring stuff...at least no D or get stuff talk - no opportunity with my response and then ending the call first. I posted some of it in my current and will put the long version in solution journal later. If you'd like to chime, feel free...I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts.
gl2u
I wish I could say something that would help, but you are way better at this than I am right now. It sounds to me like you are already doing all you can. I had a friend tell me that I was being way more undestanding than most men would and I think the same thing could be said about you. You are an inspiration.
...I was being way more undestanding than most men would...
be careful listening to your well intentioned "friends". They do not want to see you get hurt anymore. But they invalidate your desire to healing your R/M and tell you to move on. Just like friend of mine. Said give up after 3 months or something, said the same thing about way more understanding, tried as hard as you could, no one will think, blah blah...
gl2u
I have been giving her time to think.... That's what she asked for. I asked her last night if she was getting plenty of time to think and she said yes and it was helping. We are going out on a "date" night Friday so we will see. I am honestly getting worn down by all this, but I am trying to stay strong!
How are you doing?
ummm...I personally am doing well. I think sitch is getting friendlier. I feel as if we are getting closer to stage 2 of friendship if not right on the cusp of it. Coach said teetering 3 weeks ago. Now cusp, in my opinion. I think her calling for no reason will be the tell tale sign. I also feel she pulled back last week, but back on the up swing this week. Posted a bit in my current, going to work on the novel in the journal later if you want to chime in...
I asked her last night if she was getting plenty of time to think...
It sounded like you are bringing up R stuff. Like I said before, don't bring R or M up unless she does. It sounds like you are doing well but you say you are "worn out by this". That tells me that you are mostly focused on sitch. Which is good, however, you should do some things for yourself. GAL, do you have kids? Do something with them. Yes, you are striving to save things, but part of saving things will be to make yourself feel better. This is something you can do by yourself. Find happiness in yourself. Do something different. Sing some church songs, go visit someone, go contact lost friend. Do something that your focus is not primarily on your sitch...you'll feel good about things and simultaneously be giving her the space she asks for.
Also, you have a date Friday...this is great. Be "as if" and enjoy your time, remember she is in charge. So, don't push for what "you" want. Just enjoy your time. Just be apart of it.
gl2u
I will check that out.
To be honest, I have GAL and have been trying to get things settled and to get me back where I need to be. Now that I have done that, it just seems like we are spinning our wheels. She has told me that she is going to work here again next year, but I have found out that she has made an application at a school over an hour and a half away. She talked about doing that early on, but has since changed her mind, or so I thought. It just seems like she is "playing me" until school is out and she is able to do something else. That really upsets me, but I have not said anything to her about it. I am just trying to be here without pushing like we have talked about. The problem is that I feel like I have given a lot the past 8 months and she has done nothing but be cold and hatefull. How much further do I have to go before I say enough is enough???
I am trying to stay strong, but its getting harder and harder. Its just hard to live with someone that you love and are so attracted to only to know they don't want you. Its like its rubbed in my face every night.
I know I am supposed to love her unconditionally, but its just getting harder to do with each passing day. I think my heart is getting hard toward her and I don't like it.
Now that I have done that, it just seems like we
so you are done with yourself? I think you just are feeling better about yourself. I am almost 8 months into this, and still doing to better myself. I feel better and I have thought many times I am "healed now". Always work in progress. "we"...you need to remember she is "driving the car"
She has told me that she is going to work here again next year, but I have found out that she has made an application at a school over an hour and a half away. She talked about doing that early on, but has since changed her mind, or so I thought.
two thoughts, this may be her confusion. It also sounds like spying. Doesn't help you to know this information. It makes you feel differently about her. And then you talk about upset, playing me, done lots, her cold, hateful, been there done all of that...you have to let all of that anger go and love her anyhow.
You have to get off the rollercoaster and by that I mean you cannot let her actions dictate how you are feeling that "day".
Its just hard to live with someone that you love and are so attracted to only to know they don't want you.
umm...you have it a whale of a lot better than most on here, you should really be able to illustrate 180's, etc while at home. If you think it is hard to live with, try living without, I imagine you'll prefer your sitch. Further positive for you. If she didn't want you at all, I guarantee one of you would already have drawn that line.
Time, patience, and consistency, it took a long time to get where you are. You will not fix this in a day. It will take a long time to get it straight. Just settle down and enjoy your good times, avoid awkwardness...
gl2u
how r u doing?
I know I am supposed to love her unconditionally, but its just getting harder to do with each passing day. I think my heart is getting hard toward her and I don't like it.
no your heart is not getting hard toward her. You are just hurt and building a bit of defenses. Try not to think of the entire picture but just the small portion you are painting now.
gl2u
I am going to try really hard the month of May to GAL and stay at arms length from her as much as possible. We have a family deal in June that I really enjoy going to (her extended family). My goal is to stop all R and D talk, affection, etc with her until then. At that point, we will see where we are.
I have a lot going on this month, so I should be pretty busy and that will help!
Thank you for the words of advice. I need them right now.
My goal is to stop all R and D talk, affection, etc with her until...
she brings it up...that's the answer. She is talking with you and showing you some affection...let her initiate. You don't have to 'pursue'...you will be fine...
try not to put 'deadlines' on your sitch. It's hard but your feeling won't change tomorrow, so don't say if she hasn't change by tomorrow then...I think you need to reflect on your progress prior to the entire month going by but don't just stew over it every day. Sounds like you have the right perspective.
gl2u
I hope your right. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do!
don't know what you mean...rely on yourself...I just try to be helpful. In no way, do I mean to proclaim to be right about it all. You can do it and you are doing well.
This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do!
worth it and you know it...
gl2u
Actually things have been better. I am just loving her unconditionally and not expecting anything in return. So far so good.
How are you???
ummm...I have no idea. Got fault papers couple Monday's back...that's not good, even if her claims are invalid. She is friendlier now then she was before. She shared about her day a couple nights back when I call for 5D schedule thing. That took like a minute, and she shared with me for like 25 minutes...who knows. We sit next to each other Saturday for 5D recital...only time will tell. In the solution journal if you want to chime in...
gl2u
Sounds like yours is just as confusing as mine sometimes... I think from what I can tell, you are doing as good or better a job handling this than most people do.
I wish you the best! I don't know, but it seems like to me that she is going to have a hard time finding anyone that is going to work harder for her than you already have......
Thanks...I appreciate it...nobody said this was going to be easy.
That's true, but it sure is worth it!!!
SDog - your sitch is/was very similar to mine. I was inspired by our efforts. I am just two weeks into GAL and 180. How was your summer? Things better?