My husband and I have been together for 17 years going on 14 married and we have three children. We separated for weeks ago after he finally confessed being in love with someone else. This woman was a friend and also going threw a bad marriage. We have had our problems, fighting, anger, rejection and he not helping out at home. He also blames me for the finance issue as well. Last year was the worst; I was depressed and wanted to leave. I slept on the couch for several weeks and he would ask me to come to bed and I just ignored him. Then I found out he was talking to this other women none stop from morning till the time he would get home. He said that he did not have
Feelings for her. We went to counseling and he became distant and wanted nothing to do with it. Things did not get better but we could talk and be nice to each other. He said he didn't have feelings fro me and was in love with when the started talking again in Nov...I felt like someone ripped my heart out. He also did not have any sex for 7 month and I said was he sleeping with her, he said no I am still having problems with that. I don't believe him. My mother in law said he is going threw a mid life crisis. I am so confused on all this. If anyone can help please do. Thanks
Hope, you and I are in the same boat. Alot of what you said, my H has said to me. My H is having an EA at work with old OW that he cheated on me with before we got married. My H doesn't want to fix things now but is scared of starting a new life without me. I am trying to be patient and pray that he will see the grass is not greener on the other side. Sex was always an issue between us; most recently actually but since he left, we've been having amazing sex so it was just a cover for the underlining issues. I'm not sure if my H is going through a MLC or not. He says he isn't but his dad just died in Oct so I believe that has something to do with it.
I would tell you to buy the books, read everything you can on this forum and then find sitchs that are similar to yours. Keep your chin up and don't dwell on the past but focus on yourself and make changes to yourself that you've always wanted to do. Keep me updated.
I have the book and have read it serveral times. My husband is coming over night to talk about things that we have issues with. I am angry and so is he, I just hope we can talk and not fight. I hate this he said we never talked and I said I did you never listened.I wish this was 6 months from now so at least all this hurt and anger would be gone. I am moving on with my life and what ever happens well that's up to God.It all seems hopeless for us and I am not sure how much more I can do to try and make it right. He keeps bringing up the past and I keep asking I can not change the past only make the future better.Please give any input anyone can.
Thanks
I know it seems hopeless but let me ask you one thing. Can you trust him right now? If not, then don't try. I can tell you one of our biggest mistakes was getting back together too soon after my H cheated on me. He as my fiance then though but it didn't matter. I pursued him and I think he came back to me out of guilt or so he says now.
Try and keep it calm and cool between you and him tonight. Listen and let him do all the talking. Who initiated the meeting? Validate everything he says; he's feelings, etc. Don't get angry or cry or anything. Try your best to act emotionless. You have to pull apart from that but it is so hard I know. Make this into the talk you guys never had before so that you walk away from it feeling closer than ever. If you don't, it will do more harm than good. good luck and keep me updated!
I asked him to come over after he called me this morning. He was angry about our 13 year old spending the night and she had asked if she could go to her friends I said we'll see. He is mad because she has only sayed one night with him in 5 weeks. I said I am not fighting with her to go and if you want her then you need to atke action. I said I did not appericate him jumping on me about this and that he has been rude to me and I have done nothing to deserve it. He then said last night at one of this board meeting people were asking all kind of question and knew things that they should not have. I said well then I guess your girl friend should not have called our friends stating that your are divorcing me and then you two will date,our marriage has been over for long time. I said that was news to me and they both said things about me and again he can't let go of the anger from the past. I'm not saying I wasn't unhappy but he makes it all sound unhappy. If walk away he will be sorry not I will never let him back in to hurt me and our three children. I know I deserve some of this because of how I was to him but I didn't get that way for no reason.He just never see his faults and I wonder if he will.I said to him what goes around comes around.
Thanks
Well it looks like it's hopeless. He wants a divorce and i'm all out out hope there's nothing else I can do or say.
hope, I'm sorry he said this. I'll be back later to talk some more. Keep your chin up and try to be strong. I was where you were 4 weeks ago so don't give up just yet if you don't want to.
I'm not sure what else I can do. I told him that I did't want a divorce and I wanted us to have a new love, he said he is done and there is nothing there to give. He wants this over and I think there is no miricale that will change his mind. I think there has been to much damage and he doesn't want it to work.He also said he loves this other women. I have no choice and I now have to accept this. Thanks
yes, you do have to accept it but realize that only time and patience will change things, whether you get back together or not. Read everything you can get your hands on about MLC, Affairs, etc. but most importantly, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! DO THINGS YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO! Have you felt unhappy too for some reason? It may take months to figure out why. I'm on week five and I still can't figure it out; the lightbulb hasn't come on yet but hopefully soon! Detach yourself from him. If he is going to be with OW, then he will and you can't control it. The first thing I did was I had to realize that I can't control his feelings or his actions right now and so you have to come to those terms in order to find some peace for you not to go crazy in the meantime. Sending you a great big HUG! This is going to be quite the rollercoaster ride but at my 5 weeks in, it does get better I can assure you.
yes, you do have to accept it but realize that only time and patience will change things, whether you get back together or not. Read everything you can get your hands on about MLC, Affairs, etc. but most importantly, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! DO THINGS YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO! Have you felt unhappy too for some reason? It may take months to figure out why. I'm on week five and I still can't figure it out; the lightbulb hasn't come on yet but hopefully soon! Detach yourself from him. If he is going to be with OW, then he will and you can't control it. The first thing I did was I had to realize that I can't control his feelings or his actions right now and so you have to come to those terms in order to find some peace for you not to go crazy in the meantime. Sending you a great big HUG! This is going to be quite the rollercoaster ride but at my 5 weeks in, it does get better I can assure you.
Listen to Rosy Times. She's right. Figure yourself out first. FOCUS ON YOU! This is very very important. Discover yourself and your dreams and know that you don't NEED H in your life. You are beauty, light, power, compassion yourself. Your heart and soul holds all of that! Find that person within you that is happy, confident and loving towards all. Flirt, be friendly to all those around you. H will not help but notice.
Become mysterious, strong and positive force to all those around you!
love and hugs
rainbowlove
------------------------
JG is coming back to me and we're going to have a family. Positive thinking!
I want to thank you so much for everything. I am trying so hard get through this but it seems every time I think is getting better i'm hit with another surpise. I really thought he would wait for a while but he is in a rush to get it over. How can we not mean anything to him, all those years and he said he was only there for the last couple of years because of this kids. Wow, and this has nothing to do with her. I feel like a old rag that there is no use for any more. Rainbowlove I hope everything works out for you and Rosy Time thanks you for responding to me. I hope thing work out how you want them too. I feel like i'm in a nightmare.
Hope,
Please read my story under "I need help" I am 8 wks into my seperation and my H is with OW...says there is no chance for us he is not in love with me anymore...been unhappy for 8 months. My issue is being able to accept the fact that he can dump me and the kids for OW that fast!! He is refusing to talk to me...I went to L just to know my rights...stupid me told him and now he is going on Thurs...I do not want him to file...meanwhile he only took enough clothes for work when he left and I still have control of all the finances...What kind of message is he sending to me??? I need advice on going dark because I don't think I am doing it right!
I wish you luck!
momof2girls,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only tell you what everyone tells me, BE STRONG. This is one of the hardest things to do but if you show you are moving on he will notice and think. My husband wants a divorce. I said no at first and then we talked I told him I still loved him but I can't make him stay with me and said ok. I however do have options and he went to see an L and I’m telling him I am also going to see a L. I can tell you he will not be expecting that. He thinks he is going to call all the shot and that is not happening anymore. I have had a wake up call and am taking me my life back. I don't know what is right and everyone is different. I seek help all the time so that I might still be able to save my marriage. I wish you luck too!
Thanks Hope,
I am really trying to be strong but my world is totally shattered. I do not deserve what is happening to me...blame, blame, blame
I really wish he would think straight as to what is at stake here...he's only thinking about himself and the OW...puts her before his children
You stay strong to your beliefs and fight for your own rights. Do you have any children?? I just keep trying to do what is best for them!
Hope.....yes your marriage can be saved....my story was very bleak....but after 2 years of DB I really feel that now we are going to make it after all...
Yes we had a long term marriage....yes he had an affair....yes he told me it was over.....told me he didn't love me anymore...even said he had not loved me for 10 years or longer!!!
So as bad as things look and as hard as they are going to be for a while...it doesn't mean it is over....read all you can here.... you will find the support you need and advice that works....
Sorry your here....but take care....Linda
inLIN
My husband doesn't live with me and he asked for a divorce. How can I save my marriage? He really just seems to want it over and I don't know how much longer I can go on. I haven't had any
companionship since last May. He was already talking to this OW for two months and and it went on till the being of July when I found out about it. We have three children together. They are 13,10 and 4 years old. They all have broken hearts over this,but he still is very involved with them. It's so hard seeing him everyday and see this OW just about everyday. Our daughters are the same age and are friends.They place sports together.I'm not sure how long a it takes getting a divorce started, but I know I am not ready yet. I want to make sure everything is good for the kids and myself first. I don't really care what he wants. I just want peace. Two years is a long time and I don't know if he deserves a second chance if it takes him two years to come around. Maybe I should just call it quits and give up.I'm not sure it's worth all the hurt and pain.
Thanks
Well my husband didn't live with me either....once he made the decision to go to the OW after having an EA for about 4 months previous to this....he walked out in the middle of the night so he didn't have to face the kids or my family....only me...
All I know is that in my case....things didn't look good....H was sure he never would live with me again....OW or not....he was done....
I can say that I am happy that I was able to stand the test of time so that when he did think about coming back and trying again I was still around....
Not to say I didn't hurt, suffer, and felt miserable for a long time....I greived the loss of my marriage....I worked on me being a better person and mom....and eventually I felt peace.... I don't think that would have come any sooner had I given totally up and divorced H or not....I think it was a necessary process that I needed to go through in order to heal and rebuild myself....
I really feel for you! Please read my situation under "I need Help" imLin gives great advice. I feel lonely and my H is involved with OW...I am hurting myself to try to figure out what he is doing at every moment. He is not being overly involved with my kids (D4. D11 months) I am also his 2nd wife...seems like he has fallen into the same patterns he has with his xW.
My H left on 12/15/06 we have fought, I have begged, pleaded, cried and now I am really trying to just talk to him when I have to with no anomosity in my voice. I feel like my life is falling apart...
I am here to support you anyway I can.
Hope,
Is your H still involved with OW?? Mine is...currently living with his parents and tells them he is not coming home at night...staying at a "friends"
Ladies, when you feel like you need to talk to them but are angry, etc., please back away from that urge and give them space and then give yourself some quality space. If your past arguments all were about arguing and a battle of wills, you won't get anywhere right now anyways. Please read some books on communicating with men and about seperations. A few that I've picked up are:
The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
The Five Ways to Apologize, Gary Chapman
Breaking the Communication Barrier,???
There are so many books out there. Please, also get the Divorce Remedy and the Divorce Busters books and read those too. They will help you gain insight as to what is happening and make you feel stronger and more prepared for when you do have those "talks" with your H's.
Hi Ladies, Let me tell you Hope, Rosey, Mom, etc. You all are so brave. My husband left me the beg. of Jan 2007. He has been talking a/ this bimbo who is 8 yrs younger than him, a 9th grade drop out, flips burgers @ Arby's, is a wh*re and she used to be his bestfriends fiance. We all used to hang out together till I found out the both were trouble makers w/ no lives and no goals. He says shes just a "friend" yeah right. He says she is just someone to talk to, yeah right. It KILLS me to know that my husband is possibly cheating on me. He has no where to stay right now, tells people he has no place to stay, and I offered him to live here but no ties and sleep in the other bedroom. He declines. I am in SO MUCH PAIN, SO MUCH HURT, I shake, I tremble, I hurt so bad for him to tell me he loves me. He TOO has told me I am not in love w/ you anymore, I can't stand you, It's over in 1 breathe and Im confused in another. He tells me this is why we are done with and never will be together again. Dear GOD I cry EVERY day.My poor kids are so hurt, I am so hurt, even my chihuahuas are hurt. When he comes here to see the kids everything is kind of OK, but he has the WORST and most JEALOUS "friends" putting crap in his head. I love this man w/ all my heart and soul. Our anniversary is in 3 days. Valentines is in 2 days. I HURT so BAD! HOOOOOOOOOOW do you make it STOP? How the heck do you get through this? I feel so betrayed and lost. But stupid me keeps initiating sex. DUMMY DUMMY DUMMY. I feel like my poor kids are going through this and there is nothing I can do. I hate myself.
cheri, don't hate yourself. I know it is hard not to but you wernen't the one who had the A and who left. You aren't the one who is doing all this to your family. However, you have to be strong and keep your chin up for your kids. H's always listen to the people they want to; the friends who say the grass is greener on the other side. He will not listen to people who he doesn't want to hear what they say. This rollercoaster is the toughest one you will ever ride on. Also, if you feel worse after the sex, don't do it. He wants his cake and eat it too and it will only make you feel worse after when he leaves. now, I need to listen to that advice too. Good luck and stay strong. Take care of yourself and DO NOT HATE YOURSELF!
How terrible is this though? I do not regret or hurt after having sex w/ him. Its hard to explain. What I hate is him not being here. Loving me. It hurts so bad. OMG this is the same pain I had when I gave birth to my stillborn son. I feel so empty, so alone, so lost. I do not know for a 100% fact that he did have an affair on me, but I do not let me guard or armour down that he isn't. I mean he is HOMELESS and lives out of his car, sleeping on his mothers couch. I offered him to stay here and no strings attached and he tells people "I need to find a place to live" WTF??? WHAT am I doing wrong? What on EARTH can I do to make him come back? Anyone can email me anytime they want, CheriBerry30@aol.com. Please someone help me
Cheri....first...take a few deep breaths....I know when I was in your state I was barely breathing!....
Then...give us a little more information....how old are you and H....how long together/married.....how many kids and how old....
Then this is the important part...keep reading here...you will find gems of wisdom....I know this place helped me survive the 18 months my H was gone....He didn't even want sex....he wanted nothing to do with me and in fact slept on his office floor and on friends couches until he found a place....
You need to read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy....but really just read as much as you can here....ask questions...vent here....this will help you defer your anger and hurt away from your H and your children....they see you hurting and this compounds their own hurt....I remember holding my daughter and sobbing in her arms....she was 18 and acted 40....but I had to remember she was hurting for me and the loss of her dad...
The good news is that no matter how bad things seem...they will get better....you might even save your marriage in the process...
But first....breathe....read....and work on building yourself up...your children need you like never before!
I am 30 yo. H is almost 32. My kids are 13 yo son (his stepson) 7 yo daughter *ours* and 1 1/2 yo son in heaven *ours* We have been friends for 12 years, together for 9 years and H/W for 6 years this Thursday. We had a family meeting tonight when he came over, things got a little hairy but eventually thinned the thick air out and he even asked me to sit at the table w/ him when I gave him a plate of dinner. He is so confused, so lost. I don't know how to take him anymore. My son asked him if he was ever coming back home in our meeting and he said I dont know maybe and maybe not but right now no. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
Oh....did I mention....patience....patience....patience???
I used to be the most impatient person....I learned very quickly that when dealing with a WAS or a H in MLC you had better learn to be patient and quick....
I started with my kids...less yelling and more listening...no matter how tired I was or how long my day had been (I drive a school bus so by the end of my day I am tired of "little" voices in my head, lol)
Then it was stranger....you know when someone cuts you off in traffic...be nice about it...if a waitress seems rude to you just figure her day must be crappier then yours....
Eventually a NEW YOU will begin to emerge....and this will help in your marriage....
LOL. I AM so impatient! I really am. That is a BIG problem of mine. BTW??? What is "WAS?" and "MLC?"
My kids are the reason I am getting through this right now. I dont yell at them. (I too work w/ kids. Grades 3-5, I am a computer Teacher) But I hear ya about the "little" voices, LOL. And BOY do I know about the traffic thing. This lady was going slow and I was SCREAMING at her, LOL. I am a catholic Italian NY woman, lets just say, um, I really need to break out the LARGE rosarie beads and attend confession a LOT this week, LOL. :X oops potty mouth. Its funny because I am always the one telling an unhappy person to smile, or someone upset to let me help them, etc... I am always the one saying .. maybe that person is having a bad day thats why they are sad or mad. And let me tell you, during THIS time, I so know who my friends are!!!!! TY for being so kind to me "imLIN"
WAS= Walk away spouse
MLC= Mid-life crisis.....don't let the title fool you....as this can occur earlier or later then ACTUAL mid-life
Italian NY....say no more as my neighbor growing up was an Italian NYorker....and I have several Italian friends....you can really use that to your advantage you know....because generally outspoken people really do have a golden heart....I am a Hienz 57 but tend to run on the emotional side....but my feelings get hurt when I find out I have hurt someone else's feelings....
So....Teach...your lesson for the rest of your life is PATIENCE!...you are going to shock everyone with your patience...you are going to become the most wonderul person for anyone to be around....so much so that everyone will want to be around you....maybe even H!
I hope one day he comes back. He is on such a roller coaster right now. I am so used to doing doing doing for him and he isn't here and doesn't want me doing for him. It hurts. But then like tonight. I knew he was hungry and I made him a plate and put a mouthful of the fork in his mouth and he gobbled it all up asking me to sit @ the table with him. 1 minute he is fine, the next he snaps! I really feel bad for him, but then again, I was brought up to make the world smile. I have been forgetting about myself.
Hold on to that hope....you will need it for this roaler coaster ride...
I was also a "doer" in the marriage....I couldn't even believe that he could exist without me to make his coffee, meals, do laundry, etc....how wrong I was....and how unhealthy that all was for us both...things are different this time around...I am learning that I do not have to be in control of everything and it is OK if I let someone make a mistake!
Sound familiar???
Hi Cheriberry,
sorry you are here with the rest of us! I know exactly how you feel...you are lost, lonely and blaming yourself for actions you can't control...I am right there with you. My H left the week before xmas by telling me he wasn't happy blah blah...admitted OW about 3 weeks later. Wants nothing to do with me and when he talks to me it is in a very crappy tone (works wonders for my self esteem! UGH)
In about the last two weeks (since finding this site) I have started to do a 180...only talk to him when I have to..pleasant but not overly forthcoming with information...since I have started doing this his tone has been much nicer to me...slightly more conversation and he has left messages twice this week...this is huge because he hasn't left a message in the 8 weeks he has been gone. My situation is under "We're seperated...What now?" then "I need help" I really feel your pain I am living it with you!
Unfortunately, when he is nice I get my hopes up! I know I shouldn't...I just can't help it...imLin you are wise...what do you think?
Hi momof2 and Cheriberry,
I am in the same "boat" only much longer, will be 5 years in July that H has lived with OW. We are still friendly, but not physical. No kids. He has 3 grown from first marriage, one of whom I am close to. There are 8 grandkids too.
We still give one another gifts, talk usually daily, see each other almost daily. He farms and has to come here in relation to that.
I suppose there is always hope, however, a little over a year ago, OW bought some land 8 miles from my home, built a house and they have lived there ever since. Use to live in another town. She met him as his cancer nurse when he had surgery 7 years ago. Admitedly, sensing something was going on with him (he had started sleeping in other room), I felt rejected and lonely and had a brief A that I ended abrubtly when he found out. Of course, his continued and he moved in with OW 4 months after I found out about her. He totally blames me for everything and says he could never again live with a wife who had been with another man. (very double standard). I went over 4 years with no one, not even a date. I do date someone now, but there is no future in it. Mainly out of lonliness and more friends than anything.
I still wonder if my marriage can be saved? My faith (Catholic) has helped sustain me more than anything else.
I still live in our home. He pays the taxes on it, keeps grass cut, pays my car insurance, etc. I am retired but work for his brother part time in his restaurant. so, am still very much connected to his family.
His mom, who is 92, likes me and we get along. My H does not get along with her at all.
Any thoughts on my sitch?
H 66
Me 55
Married 16 yrs.
Sep almost 5 yrs.
He said exactly the same thing, OW or not he was not coming back. Did he ask for a divorce? He asked me only after 4 weeks.
I asked god for a sign at church on Sunday if my marriage will be saved. He came to church to see our youngest in a event. When they sent the sign in sheet around he signed it his first and last name and family (5) and then stayed for they luncheon afterwards. I try not to read in to things. I just don't want to get hurt any more than I have. You do give me some hope. I just want him to come to senses and realize what he is doing. Thanks
come to his senses?? Isn't a wonder he ever had them?? When people go through MLC or OW they are not living in a reality world...I don't think they think about the ramifications for the future at all! My H isn't even putting the kids b/f OW...she is his world right now (makes me want to vomit)
My H told me he was not coming back the day he left. He goes to a L on Thurs but I think he is only going because I told him I talked to one just to know my rights with child support and marital assets...I am praying he will not file...I am getting nervous!
vampsmagnolia,
I give you credit...5 years and he lives with OW...I think I would be so occupied by that that I could not function in my everyday life...If you want your marriage you fight!! It sounds like he is not ready to break any connection with you!
My H really hasn't asked for D. Actually, says he isn't marrying again. Once in a while he'll rant and rave and say he isn't paying any lawyer, but we can settle up amongst ourselves. (not practical in our sitch as we own land and livestock and equipment together).
However, he has never really pushed for D and it has been almost 5 years.
Roller coaster right is RIGHT! And that is EXACTLY how I feel right now ... How is he surviving w/o me and why doesn't he need me. I feel so useless and empty. And I too feel like I have to be in control of everything or it will all fall apart, go wrong, it's not done right, etc. And if it wasn't done right or a mistake was made I would freak out. I have a problem w/ things that are unorganized, dirty, not clean. Not nec. OCD, but I like order and schedules. I guess I need to be more relaxed, it's ok to err, breathe and all. I am so glad I stumbled upon this message board thing. Ya'll are wonderful and it's so good (not saying this in a bad way, kinda sucks but...) to know I am not alone. Because I feel VERY alone, scared and forgotten.
LOL. I didnt notice there was a page 4... oops, LOL. My husband said to my kids last night (when they asked if he was every coming back) "Not right now, but maybe down the road, but for now this is for the best" He has been gone for 4 weeks. During fights he says he wants a D, but other times, says no, he is confused, needs space, etc. He too said he isn't paying a lawyer but wants to sit down and settle amoungst ourselves, but my house was bought by my parents so there is no house, etc. to settle on. We still have sex, its ALWAYS good between us. I don't regret it, he is my husband, I have needs, he is my booty call right now. I pray to GOD there is no other W, he swears up and down. I thought he knew I WAS on Effexor XR (anti depresant/anxiety med) but he didnt, last night I was talking about how his ins. is being ridiculous w/ $100. after 1st of year up front for meds for every person then they'll start covering. He said "Why are you on them again you didnt tell me" He said "Dont be on that stuff Cheri, everything is going to be ok" He was so sincere. I too get my hopes up when he is nice. Valentines Day tomorrow, our Anniversary Thursday. My kids and I are going on vacation for 5 days starting Thursday. I know its eatting at him, but I need a break from all this. I got him a card for 2/14 and our ann. His coworker, aka friend of mine said he told her he was getting me something for v-day. Just a NONmushy, happy vday, happy ann. cards. Basic, simple, to the point. I hate getting my hopes up. God do I hate it. But I have you guys to get me past and through it. <3 xoxoxoxo <3
You and I truly feel the same...I know there is OW and right now I wonder if he is spending v-day with her (YUCK) debating getting him a card from D's...I do every year and he does not get me one from D's. I am not getting him one from me...I think he is being such a jerk because of OW...
He has been nicer to me the past two days and I am getting to focused on hope! Why do I have to be so stupid!
No card for tomorrow from me is a good thing or not?? need advice.
momof2girls. Do you know for a FACT/100% sure there is OW? Or is it just your thought? This is MY opinion here so take it w/ a grain of salt, on your question about v-Day. Do not lower yourself to his level if he does not get you one from D's. This is what I was doing before his co-worker aka my friend told me my husband was getting me stuff for V-day. I got the kids each a card to give to him, I got him a basic card for v-day and our anniv. Something basic, to the point, here ya go. If you dont want to get him 1 from you, fine. But don't not get the kids something to give to him. Your only hurting them. My theory, you want to be a JERK flip off, but I will not be!
I say the SAME thing w/ the "hope" deal. 1 minute he is so nice, the next a JERK. Doesnt help his "friends" are so envious, jealous and want his life so bad, they would do anything to make sure he is miserable w/o me!
Oh yeah...its definite. he told me and my MIL tells me sometimes he sleeps there at night. I feel so hopeless...for example right now he is flying and I get nervous so I checked flight status which I got from MIL (not him) his flight has been cancelled so now I am worried. why? because I am stupid! It will be interesting to see if he calls to tell me!
I will get a card from the D's...your right makes me look good and act as if I normally would...makes me feel like he thinks I am ok with this!
momof2girls: I am sorry that it is deff. that there is OW. I don't doubt my husband has a "friend" but I don't think he does either. But I don't know. He swears up and down "no" and usually when he is lying he FREAKS out. But he didn't when I did ask him. I hope not. A lot of women (incl myself) would say "Oh hell no, if he is cheating on me its OVER" but you don't know until your IN that situation. I really pray to God that there is noone else. I pray to God he is telling me the truth. But I am NOT letting my guard down that there is a possibility. I just want a normal family. Well, no family is normal, but I want a loving, decent, caring, loving family. I want my life back the way it used to be. But I guess wish in 1 hand and crap in the other right. Remember this: You getting the kids something to give to their father makes YOU look good to them. "Mommy got us something to give to Daddy, but Daddy got us nothing to give to Mommy" And its a known fact, if you're not a deadbeat Mom, kids LOOOOOVE and need their Mommys!!! Mommy is #1!!!! So just makes dear ol' Dad look worse! And when a Daddy hurts a Mommy, kids do NOT like that. But they see Mommy being nice to Daddy, (shhhh between us girls) Daddy looks like an @$$!!!! ::evil laugh::
you are very funny and so so right! In the beginning my H told me OW was just a friend..however how may married men do you know that have co-ed sleepovers??(HA)
I did get him a card from D's. I also bought one for my stepson's from D's. Not sure if you read my entire situation but I am a 2nd wife...have two stepsons and two daughters. I want my family back too! Normal or not they are mine! My daughter will hopefully realize that daddy did not buy a V-day card for Mommy from her (she is almost 5) The baby (11 months) doesn't have a clue...everytime she sees him she laughs and smiles..thanks for the stab in the back kiddo! (Ha) How old are your children??
On a different note is it snowing where you are?? I am not sure where Marlboro NY is...I am in Rhode Island.
I am 30 yo w/ 3 kids. 13 yo son (H stepson) our 7 yo daughter & our 1 1/2 yo beautiful son who is an angel in heaven. My H will be 32 in April. Marlboro is a little town in NY. Inbetween Newburgh, Poughkeepsie area. I will be in RI this weekend @ The Christmas Tree Shops. I am going to visit my friend in Attleboro, Mass. Thurs through Mon. The sleet/hail/snow right now @ 1:AM in the morning is really really bad!!!! OMG Its pounding on the windows. They are calling for 12-20 inches. My H never called, never showed last night.
the girl who I am friends w/ that he works w/ said they were really really busy yesterday and he probably was there w/ the rest of them working late (she is a high risk preg. so he leaves at 5) But w/e. My friend that is my "therapist" said "So what. Let it go. Maybe 2 nights of a good thing was two too much. So you talk to him the next time" Well, its sleeting SO bad right now, calling for a TON of snow and we leave tomorrow. I doubt I will see him now. I'll just leave his "gifts" on the table.
darn. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I had to let some of it out. So Happy Valentines Day. ttyl
I stumbled upon this article. My God is it good: (Before you read it, I would like to pinpoint MY own problem and how this is SO right. This 1st sentence is EXACTLY what my husband said before he left "I've had it. I want to separate. There is noone else, Im just not happy and I think space will help. I dont want to lose you." Another problem, he insists w/o flipping his lid, there is no OW and I kept insisting and calling him, 1 time 138 times in 1 night!!!! he wouldnt answer the cell phone! I have stopped insisting and stopped calling him. Heres the article now:)
Surviving Separation ..He's had it. He wants to separate. He swears there isn't anyone else, but he's just not happy. He thinks time and some space might help. You didn't see this coming, and you are devastated, which is of course understandable. Your first thought is probably that you will become a statistic, but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Separation can sometimes be a positive thing, despite the fact that it is a painful and difficult process. If you and your spouse really want things to work out, a separation might actually work to your benefit. It may give the two of you a chance to miss one another and to appreciate each other more. It might provide enough distance to allow the two of you to engage in counseling, and be completely open and honest, without the anxiety of having to face the other person on the ride home or at home afterwards.Keep these things in mind, during this difficult time: Don't Berate, Blame, or Accuse
If he swears there isn't another woman, and there is no real evidence of an affair, give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't engage in screaming matches, no matter how hurt, angry, and upset you are. It will turn him off and he won't respond the way you want him to. Wait until you're calmer to try to talk and never attack or try to blame him for everything. When calm, ask how the two of you can work together to make things better. Find out is he's willing to try counseling. If you keep exchanges amicable, in time you might even suggest a date. Don't Act Like a Stalker Seriously. Don't follow your spouse to see if there really is another person involved. Don't call several times a day or at all hours. Don't read his mail. Don't just happen to show up as he's leaving work or as he's arriving at his favorite coffee shop. By all means, never harass or embarrass him at work. Neediness is not attractive, and if it crosses the line, it can actually be considered stalking. Always think things through before you act or react, and try not to make purely emotional decisions.Find Neutral Territory This means both location and subject matter. If you need to discuss bills, the kids, or other important issues, stick only to the imperative points, speak in factual terms, and arrive at a decision together. Keep the list to a minimum, so it doesn't feel like a list of demands or a bunch of excuses to monopolize his time. By finding a neutral location, especially a public place, you can help reduce tension as well as reducing the chance of heated arguments.Be Respectful but Expect the Same in Return Remember how much you love your spouse, and try to show respect and common courtesy. Remaining civil will help keep the two of you from building walls. You'll be more at ease with each other making it easier to discuss and sort out important issues. However, you should never allow your spouse to walk on you. You are deserving of respect and courtesy as well. If your spouse behaves hatefully, try not to react over-emotionally. Simply disengage and tell him you will speak to him another time when he can remain civil. Live Your Life This is what I was doing, but now I do not call him. Don't sit by the phone waiting for him to call, but don't always be immediately available either. Live your life. If he asks to talk or get together but you have other plans or obligations, say so. Don't drop everything every time he calls. Instead, offer another more convenient time if you do want to see him. Keep yourself busy and take good care of yourself. It's easy to slip into depression and it definitely shows. Instead, remind him just how attractive you are and that it's well worth the wait to see you.
Great article...helps with my mood today...it is all so true but yet so hard to carry out! I feel like if things don't work out between me and H that all these bottled up things that are upseting to me will only hurt me in the end. I know for now Ijust have to keep my mouth shut!
Cheri,
I used to work in Attleboro! FYI there is a BIG christmas tree shop in Attleboro now right by the Emerald square mall.
Have fun!
I LOVE THE CHRISTMAS TREE SHOP!!!!! We have one 45 min south of me in Spring Valley NY, Albany NY and Danbury CT. We are going to Xmas Tree shop this weekend!!!! My husband called this morning and said "Happy Valentines Day" to me I wanted to cry. He said he was bringing over pizza and wings tonight. I am so scared of him out there w/the bad weather. And I had a 40 min. conv. to him about things on my mind, he didnt hang up on me, shun me away, hurry me up, nothing, he listened to me. It was SO nice. Only 3 peeps @ work today, so FOOD FOR THOUGHT all day and we leave tomorrow for Attleboro and he'll have till Monday to do more thinking. GOD I hope I didnt screw things up more. But my friend told me GOOD FOR YOU. I was sincere and kind to him and he said "I am listening to every word you say" UUUGH! Calgon take me a freakin' WAY!
All
My separation is very different. I see him everyday, he is staying with his parents and they watch are three children. So we are both very attached to the kids. Last night we took the younger two sled riding. I was sledding with them and he watched. The kids and I and so much fun. Am I doing this wrong being at his family’s house? His mom wants me there and we are so close. I feel that I have been so negative in the past that his shows him I am not that way anymore. I now this OW doesn't see him as much as I do. I am moving slowly with moving on with my life, but I don't want to give either. My sister said that we are going right because the kids need to know we love them and I hope in this process he will see that we can love each other again too. This so crazy I just pray everyday to God for us to come back together soon. I just wonder if it meant anything at church when he wrote his name and family of 5. I wish I could read his mind.
My oldest daughter and I are going to start swimming laps at the school and my youngest said she wants to swim I said your dad will need to take you and he said he would. That was nice I thinks. All I can say to you that are going threw this being strong really does make difference and don't call him either unless you need to. I have had to call a couple of times and stopped. He sometimes still tells me when he has to do something and I say ok and drop it. I have the Divorce Busting book and it is great that book in the being in my life. I only wish I knew about it before all this happened. I say go back to when you met and fell in love, remember what you were like then find that person again for you not him. I am taking scuba diving lessons next month! I would not be doing that if he was here right now. Do things for you and ask God to help threw the difficult times and he does listen and help. I have put me faith in his hands and know his and a better life for me.
Please give your input on this .Thanks
Hi Hope,
My MIL also watches our kids. I am very close to her and she is beside herself that her son just up and left his 2nd family. I feel bad for her b/c H is spending nights at OW house and no of us know anything about her. His mother tries to talk to him and he doesn't answer. I am sick over this...H was at OW again last night and hasn't seen his kids in a week.
Your H sounds like a good dad. Right now the OW is the only focus my H has...I am sad and feel like the "getting along" is just letting him think he can do whatever he wants and that I am not bothered by it! It eats at me about OW...I have really been trying to GAL but I just can't.
He is a good dad, but he still isn't really thinking about his family or he would have given us a second chance instead of turning to another woman. She a piece of crap for putting my children threw this and she needs to focus on her own marriage ending before coming between a marriage having problems. I just hope he is thinking about everything and not just about being with her. I feel that he pulls away from me at time because he starts thinking about us and this might just be me thinking wrong.I don't want a divorce not yet and I know he is going to come back and want to proceed with it. What should I do?
God you sound like me. I do not want a divorce. Tomorrow (our 6 yr anniversary) will be 1 month since he left. 1 minute everything seems OK, not good, OK. And we laugh, talk, etc. Then the next (and I KNOW its loser friends influence) he is a JERK! I get sick to my stomach. I shake perfusely. Trembling, shaking, like after you have an epidural or when your REALLY REALLY cold. My whole body. I read that its a bodies way of dealing w/ stress. I am getting so mentally sick that my body is shutting down. Everyone says "you cant do this to yourself" Well frig off because until your in MY position, you have NO idea right!?!?!?! I am so sick of "you have to be there for the children and live for the children" and the infamous "well life goes on" OR "your better off w/o him" SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPP I say!
God you sound like me. I do not want a divorce. Tomorrow (our 6 yr anniversary) will be 1 month since he left. 1 minute everything seems OK, not good, OK. And we laugh, talk, etc. Then the next (and I KNOW its loser friends influence) he is a JERK! I get sick to my stomach. I shake perfusely. Trembling, shaking, like after you have an epidural or when your REALLY REALLY cold. My whole body. I read that its a bodies way of dealing w/ stress. I am getting so mentally sick that my body is shutting down. Everyone says "you cant do this to yourself" Well frig off because until your in MY position, you have NO idea right!?!?!?! I am so sick of "you have to be there for the children and live for the children" and the infamous "well life goes on" OR "your better off w/o him" SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPP I say!
oh and PS - I DO live for my children. I eat, breathe, live, etc. for my children. They are the only sane thing in my life right now and I do not deny them attention, Mom time, etc. Everything is the same when it comes to them. If it wasn't for them, I would of ran away a long time ago.
Our bodies are doing the same thing...My H will be out of house two months tomorrow...he probably doesn't even realize it! He was so nice for two days and now we haven't heard from him in two days.
Do you feel like you are forcing it, just going through the motions with your kids? I feel like that right now and it really is bothering me!
I will never tell you any of the things that you mentioned above...my best friend of 30 years says them to me on a daily basis and I know she means well but it kills me! Let them spend a day in our shoes!! I would not wish these feelings on my worst enemy!
Really!? You shake too? I will be FREEZING (and I am NEVER cold) and shake perfusely!!! I hate it! I just shake and shake! WTF? When you say "Do you feel like you are forcing it" I assume you mean to be w/ him??? If that is the idea, then yes, and I hate it. I want to scream poop or get off the pot already. But then I my friends tell me, then you're not giving him his space rushing it! I dont mean to rush things, but I am so afraid and scared being w/o him.
My best friend is EXACTLY like yours!!!! And I say the SAME exact thing "i wouldnt wish this on..."
And he got me nothing for V Day. He "meant" to but everything was closed but Target. He "meant" to get me flowers but everything was closed. In his defense, yes, w/ all the snow, things were closed. But whatever.
I think this is normal I get that way too. Have you seen your doctor about taking some thing? I take zoloft for anxiety. It really helps i'm not so emotional and think more clear. I was dead against meds but they help. I have one thing to be happy about he wasn't with the ow for V-day. I called his parents house to see if he could come over and help shovel the ice and snow he said yes and half hour later he was there. We didn't get much done because of the think ice but he came. He called me later twice, once to have me put salt on the ice and then to tell me he had a snow blower for me to have and that we would be over the next day to remove the ice and snow. I thought that was nice of him. I don't want to read to much into things and it not anything but him being nice. My heart hope he is really thinking about things and not rushing ending them.
OK...never heard from H yesterday at all! Thought he would call D4 to wish her a happy v-day...didn't even call to thank D's for his card.
in the past!
mad today because he never showed up to take D4 to preschool...she was very upset! Always picks her up!! I left 5 minutes after he usually comes giving him the benefit of the doubt...we all run late...you would think he would have called...my MIL lives not even a mile away...guess he wasn't there!
H is supposed to take kids tonight but I have no idea b/c I haven't spoken to him since Monday and he was sooo nice! I am supposed to go to dinner with friends...
Should I call him to find out the story or just let it go and wait for him to call me?? not sure if I am DBing or being a doormat! and not calling him on his wrongdoings. How can you disappoint your kids this way! This OW has a real hold on him...he is going to L today...I hope he thinks on his own! I am not going to ask him about it...wait and see right???
I don't have to be cold and I start to shake...are you trying to eat well?? very important...we need to keep our energy up...If you get sick who will take care of the kids??
your question to me about "forcing it?" I meant myself...I feel like I am taking no real joy in the D's...just going through the motions! It makes me feel awful.. I am on vacation next week and I am MAKING myself do fun things with them!! that is my most recent goal...
I am still not used to not calling H and telling him about our days! Still wait for him to walk in the door....UGH that is the worst...two months today
Hope,
agree, agree, agree...if H's were stand up family men...we would come first!! I believe everything needs a second chance...especially a family!! This thought hits me daily b/c I am a teacher and I see first hand the differences between kids from one parent homes and those who live with two parent families...WAIT...what I mean is I will never let my D's have a bad life...fight for them with every last breathe...but it is different we have to take on all the worry and nurturing by ourselves...the day to day stuff...My D is worrying about things a 4 year old shouldn't.
When we are alone we have to play both the mommy and daddy role...it is very difficult and I worry everyday I will screw up my kids!
Does anyone have thoughts about church and yesterday?
ladies, i had the going through the motions and the shakes. I'm in week 6 and I tell you those will go away or not be as often becuase I'm learning how to create my own happiness with my son. I think for so long, I depended on H to create happiness for us and I'm realizing how I can do it myself now and you know what, the results are much better! I've felt happier than I have in a long time! Seriously! Took my S3 sledding yesterday and while it was sad that H wasn't there, we had the best time!
So, look at this time as time for you and your children to focus on yourselves because when your H's see that, it makes you look so attractive! My H has said that to me and at the same time, it kills them to see how happy you can be without them and they wonder how and why and though it doesn't make sense, that is what can bring them back to you.
My H had a little of a turnaround this morning. He actually texted me that he still loves me and that is why he is so depressed and cries when he sees me. I'm not holding too much hope on this as I expect him to believe that we still need to get divorced to get through this but I'm taking baby steps and in the meantime, focusing on myself and my son. The rewards far outweigh the results!
the forcing feelings will give way to feelings that come so easily and that creates happiness!
I am 8 weeks in and the shock is starting to wear off..the hurt is much worse because I feel like I obsess about OW and H all day...eats away at me...very bad DBing I know!
please read about my day...cant type the novel again...its under I need help...
Sorry, its under we're seperated what now?
momof2girls
I was in the same place last year at this time and I also asked him if there was someone else he ask no. Then from March to end of June he was talking none stop to this OW who was a friend. Don't let your gaurd done and beleive everything he says. I did when he said she was someone to talk to because we are having problems and you wouldn't talk to me (this is what he said to me). Now look he says he loves her and was to divorce me. You really need to just start think about you and I know how hard this is! I tell myself everyday stop thinking about him HE LEFT YOU AND GAVE UP! He is weak and I am STRONG!! Every time I start to think about thenm I pray to god to help me threw it and he does.I wish we where all close by so we could get together and suport each other in person. I am taking suba classes next month
and taking the kids swimming every Monday. This is a start.
I agree...my H now seems very confused but I am just stepping back to see how things unfold..It is hard and my H went to L yesterday...has said nothing to me and I am not going to ask..I think he is in a very bad place right now...he lost his job b/c of OW...what a consequence of his actions!
Hello everyone. Well, I was SUPPOSE to be in Massachusettes from Thurs 2-15 to Monday 2-19. Drove 4 hrs out there Thurs AM. and had THE WORST stomach cramps and pains ever. It was coming out both ends w/ nothing in my stomach. It was SO bad! I wanted to go home the minute I got there! We emded up leaving 8:30AM Friday AM. On the MASS. TPK. I called my primary doctor hysterically crying. Telling her I shake, I tremble, I hurt, etc. She said "My dear, you are not only going through depression but you are having serious anxiety and panic attacks!" So now I am on LEXAPRO (AntiDepressant) AND CLONAZEPAM (Panic attack and seizure med) I swear by the clonazepam!!! Let me tell you. My body is so relaxed. I took 2 of these before my MRI last month. They are a generic Valium. And the Lexapro will help w/ the depression. Today my husband was being a JERK. Everyting (our daughter) this and (our daughter) that. He was being SO stupid. So I asked him to pick us up a pizza and he (at 1st) said no, he was busy, etc... So not 1/2 hr later my Nextel beeps. He wanted to know if he before he has to go change his clothes and help his friend w/ replacing a transmission, if he would like me to pick us up a pizza. I said sure! And he did. BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT. What did DUMMY me do. ::sigh::
OK ladies, beat me w/ the stick... I had sex w/ him. I showed him my new sexy lacy boy shorts and wowwowowowoowowie. Its always SO GOOD between us. And he said the possibly will come back later to spend the night, DOUBT IT, and we are going to breakfast together w/the kids. That might just happen. But we'll see. I am glad I came back home from MASS. Just too much, too fast and no ready for it. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE - she tells me they are building/bought a house in Colorado. Just wonderful. Husband left, best friend moving across the country. SIGH. WISH ME LUCK LADIES. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS I AM PRAYING FOR ALL OF YOU TO GET WHATEVER IT IS BACK YOU WANT!!!!!!!!!!
x x x x x x <<< LETS KEEP our fingers X'd. Off to Wal*Mart I go.
No beatings here...just be careful! remember you need to leave him wanting more and you don't want him to think that everytime he comes over something is going to happen. Did he end up coming
back to stay over?
I am glad you are physically feeling better! when you can jump over to my "I need help thread" were seperated...now what and read what happened to me this week! totally pissed!
Well my husband went to see another lawyer and he said it would cost no more than $600 to get a divorce in 90 days. He will sign a paper giving me owner ship of the house and the money to make the mortgage payments and that would be considered my child support. I said I am also going to talk to a lawyer and that I will not be signing any thing any time soon! I am not comfortable with all this and I need to make sure that the children and I are take care of. He was telling how he need to have a place to his own and he can't live on 500 a month, I said well not my problem and you should have thought about that before you did this! I said I do not care about you or her I am doing what's right by the kids and me. I am for the first time going what I feel and not what everyone else say I should do. This felt good to say this to him and I also said I did not like that he was bulling by saying do you want to spending $$ on lawyers if I did sign what he wanted. I don't have to do anything for 2 years and there nothing he can do about it.I do believe he was surprised by this. He thought I was just going to sign and say ok. NOT! He said he was getting a second job and I said what happened to that. He said he wasn't doing that until the weather was better.He doesn't want to work a second job and he knows it. I told him I don't trust me everything for the last 9 months has been one lie after another. He claims he is not sleeping with her because he still has issues in that department.
I said I don't believe you. Is this the end? Do I let him go at this point? Help please!
Ouch!! Tough conversation but I am glad you stood up for yourself and the kids! DON'T do anything you don't want too! If you want to wait two years than do it!!
It is not the end until we make it the end! My advice would be not to talk to him again until he initiates it! As far as OW (my major problem right now!!My H told me the other day he is sleeping with OW)) don't let it bother you...all the statistics show that it will not last!! Make your R your focus and if you decide you no longer want it, I will support any decisions you make.
This is not the end....you yourself stated that you don't have to do anything for 2 years....So what if he says he is done, doesn't want to be married to you anymore....ever....my H said the same thing....and within 2 years was home making it work!!!
2 years gives you a lot of time....I would also recommend not initiating conversation....if and when he does then be polite and to the point....if he asks again for a D....just state that you don't want one....that your focus is the FAMILY and right now you are not ready to let it all go in the toilet. He can do what he wants but you are staying right where you are until YOU are ready to do something different!
Lies are something that he will use for now...I know it seems impossible to trust again after such devistation.....but it is....I know because I am beginning to feel that trust return... I think it is in part because I never really lost the love I had for my husband....he is not exactly the same man I married but he is a much better man then he was in his MLC....and I am learning to feel comfortable with him...
imLIN
I am scared that this is the end and I really don't want it to be. Is this part of what they go threw? I try and take it one day at a time. I also am moving on making a better life for me and the kids. I hope and pray everyday to god that he will help my husband return to us. All I want is a second chance to make a new love,marriage and family life for us. I said this to him and I said he never gave us a second chance. He thinks he did but he didn't. He also said he thinks about the kids and I don't think that is true either. Can he change him mind? I know the book said no matter how dark you think it is there is still a chance. Do you believe I have one? I really hope so.Thanks
I can tell you that for along time I saw NO HOPE in my situation....at times I felt like giving up what HOPE I had....I am glad now that I didn't.....it takes time....a lot of time....for the MLC'er to figure things out....it is hard to tell what they really think about and what they just say they think about....I do know that my H has disclosed that he WAS NOT happy when he was gone....that he felt extreme guilt over the pain he was causing but he was caught in a mixture of emotions that he needed to sort out....ON HIS OWN
All I wanted was a second chance....in the beginning I didn't understand why I would have to wait so long for that chance....now I totally understand....and someday you will too...no matter what the outcome is....and you will handle things much differently then you would if given that chance now.....as cruel as it sounds and feels it really is best that the MLC'er stays away and works on themself....while the LBS's really really take the time to better themself as well...then when and if a reuniting takes place both are stronger and better able to work things out in a more positive way....
I learned so much about myself during this time....it was the first time in my life that I didn't live with my parents or my husband....It was me and the kids against the world....and we did it....this made me feel so much better then if H would have come home just because I NEEDED him to....I excepted him back because I WANTED to....this makes a huge difference...
This isn't all just a MLC is also from alot of fighting and rejection threw the last several years. Can he over come all of that and see we can have a new wonderful life and marriage again. We see other everyday because of the kids. You would never know there was anything wrong with us and I think that's why I have a hard time thinking he will come back. I even wonder
if he thinks about us at all. I really don't think he does,his focus his on her and move on with his life. This really hurts and his mom really isn't sure he will return either. So my marriage issues I feel are at the worse. Can he over come all the hurt and pain we both have done to our marriage. Please help.
Thanks!
All of that still plays into MLC...."normal" couples can have fights and rejections but then get over it....you said the last several years....this could still be in the time frame of when his MLC was beginning....the beginning isn't usually the "BOMB"...it starts way before that....
hope,
I understand...I feel like my situation is getting worse too. H is nice to me one minute and then I don't hear from him for days.
Supposed to take D's tonight but I haven't heard from him and I am not sure if I should call or just wait and see what happens??
HELP
My H really dropped the bomb...I had no idea we were having any problems at all...I almost wish I had seen it coming maybe it would be easier. All I can say to you is keep up the "as if" ...my mil is lost too, she has no idea what is going to happen in the beginning she thought this would blow over now she is not sure either...it hurts when even their own mother can't understand. My H doesn't even really talk to her about things he just "OK's" her to death...I am very anxious and frustrated today!
It is way too soon for either of you to really KNOW what your H's are going to do....
Also, if you really really look back you will see the "problems"....I know for the longest time I was in denial because none of it was worth leaving the family over....BUT...you combine this with the fact that they are having an internal crisis and all those "problems" get amplified to disproportionate size....and thus you enter MLC'ville....
And finally.....get used to UNRELIABILITY....they will miss dates, important events, things that even THEY arrange....all part of the "illness"....
Sorry to make it sound so gloomy....but the good news is that my H did all of this and more.....yet we are back together!!!
Look at my I need help part 2 thread...I really need help!
Hi,
I'm new and read a few posts...i don't know what all the abbrev mean...but I am here because I am curious. I have spent three yrs unhappy. Three kids..young...and counseling helped for basic communication...still areas need work. Right now, it is basically two people raising the kids in the ame house. Friends under the same roof. But the physical relationship mostly on my part...is gone. I wish it weren't...but I really don't know how to get it back. And it is getting worse. Every time I am asked to...I either give in or stand my ground. And both are torture. I don't want anything to ruin my children's lives..so I sit in my own misery and sometimes sink into depression. I workout 7 days a week and I truly the obsession is to feel good about myself....but the workouts are almost too much on my body.
Post deleted by Jamesjohn
Well I have read some of the messages...and the one true thing I see is that there are so many people out there to talk too and write too during this gray area of marriage. I really hope that I can find some fulfillment here because at times I just feel like I am so lost and empty. I try to be such a good mom and throw all my emotion into my kids...but in the end I feel that emptiness and realize that the other aspects of my family still seem to creep in and create that empty and sad feeling. I often feel I am a fraud going around like this happy person...being cheerful to everyone. Anyway, I hope I can gain some happiness and insight posting on this site. I think I will try to buy another copy of the Divorce Remedy and read Ch 5. Finding your best friend again. Had the book once...but i think H tossed it.
You sound a lot like my wife. She runs marathons and was lost and miserable, only didn't express herself until it was too late. Now she has a husband who loves her very much, is willing to forgive her affair if asked, and willing to change. She claims its too late...
So my advice to you is to put your issues on the table VERY CLEARLY. Tell him you are falling out of love and that you guys need to take drastic action immediately.
If that doesn't snap him out of it (it probably would've saved our marriage/family), nothing will and you can at least know that you tried before it was too late.