New thread time. I'm not actually much of a David Bowie fan, but it seemed appropriate. The last one only lasted a month but lots was discussed.
Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2851576&page=1The journey continues. Navigating life as a middle-aged guy in a new relationship with the obligatory crazy ex-wife. Or at least we assume she's crazy.
She must have been crazy to dump a guy who cooks and does his own laundry!!!!
And I will just say, re: B and whatever her retirement status is - she should make plans AS IF you might get hit by a bus and she has to figure it out on her own. She should be saving for her retirement if that is needed (sounds like it will be) and not assume you will always be there to help out (because you might not be).
Agree with kml. Your XW was absolutely insane to have walked away from you. I also agree re the finances. It won't matter who I end up with, if anybody, I will always have to look out for my own financial well-being.
Just like all of us, really.
Oh Andrew, you are so cute and you make me smile. You do NOT have the obligatory crazy ex-wife. I'm sure some others here could tell you some crazy ex-wife stories that would make your toes and your hair curl. You, my friend, have an ex-wife behaving pretty normally and a desire to know what she's thinking, doing, wondering.
Sounds like you and B are adjusting nicely and I'm so glad for both of you. Happy is a good place to be for sure.
^^^^what dawn said. Your ex wife luckily isn’t crazy. She does exactly what an ex wife should Sox stay away and not stir up trouble. M’s ex wife is seriously certifiable. I think M would give his left arm to have an ex W like yours.
Trying to get back on my old twice weekly posting cadence.
Things continue to be good with some bumps and wobbles. I am taking next week off to relax and get some stuff done around the house. There are some meetings at work that I perhaps should be attending and may get called in for but I think that I can safely skip them as I will be attending the earlier set this week.
I continue to struggle to define myself within the company now that we are more or less fully post reorganization. My direct boss is useless and provides no guidance other than wanting me to not participate in some strategic projects. The two company presidents have requested that I do so and they win - but the conflicting priorities are challenging.
As someone who essentially provided supporting IT services the company being 1/3 the size but with roughly the same size IT department makes it pretty obvious that I need to reimagine my role. I've been doing fairly well at that with our Sulphuric / Alkali business where I am now "in the room" where strategic decisions are being made and think that there is a possibility that my role may expand in to sales / account management. We lost our single salesman a few months ago and he's not been replaced and I am now involved with most of the meetings with our largest customer along with working with plant and production people on ensuring smooth flow of orders. For our Plastics business I'm not quite so involved but still work closely with them on supporting the sales cycle and production.
My brain knows that I'm undoubtedly fine but I can't help but have the feeling like I've had for the last couple of years that there is a lot of risk going on.
There is also some very clumsy politics being done by my colleagues who also feel this risk trying to make sure that they aren't left standing when the music stops. Rumours that my immediate boss is going to retire "any day now" continue to increase and I am at least in my own mind the obvious replacement but still .... Nothing is certain in this life.
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S24 is now the proud and somewhat nervous owner of a modest car loan cosigned by his mother. He did ask me to review the add-on services and warranty that the dealer tried to sell him as a matter of course and agreed with my suggestion that they weren't necessary. Had his mother requested that he ask me? Who knows. I expect a significant increase in her presence because now that he has a car he has to practice up for his licence. I'm presuming that he is on his mother's car insurance too.
I will confess that my primary feeling is one of relief that this financial burden wasn't placed on me. I would have accepted it but it's nice that she's stepping up. The "why" could certainly be debated but the results are ones that I am in favour of.
The car is I believe supposed to be available on Tuesday.
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Navigating co-habitation continues well with both expected and unexpected bumps. I'm not too surprised after my initial assessment of B based on her car that I do spend a bit of time going behind her closing cupboard doors etc. We joke about it but one of the cats did get shut in to a cupboard the other day. I think she's trying harder.
The Battle of The Kitchen continues. B has lived her entire adult life since the age of 19 being the sole possessor of "her" kitchen. While she expresses resentment that she was never helped and does appreciate my "help" I think it's just really really weird for her. As it is for me. Last night she took a break from doing dishes to have a cup of tea and I just automatically took the plates from dinner and started washing them. Her reaction was to insist that she would do that but I persisted. Things are migrating from the drawers where they lived for many years to other drawers as well.
Even though we joke about it, I am treating this as a very serious thing. I'm not going to give up my "rights" to cook and clean and enjoy myself in the kitchen and so am standing firm on these boundaries. B has also asked me to show her how I like doing the dusting which I think is much more thorough than she is used to. But she is also used to managing a household with 8 people and 2 dogs in it and in a much smaller house. Perhaps dust doesn't get as much chance to settle there.
The cats are joked about but are a definite source of irritantance for B. She talks regularly about S24 moving out to a place where he can take his cats with him. Completely understandable and also one of my own wishes. Her main argument is that pets tie a person down but she is used to dogs. Again, I stand firm on the fact that S24 can stay here as long as he wants and if he moves out and "the girls" are left behind that's fine with me.
TBH - The presence of B and her encouragement of S24 to be independent is undoubtedly a positive thing. As "dad" S24 can more easily dismiss what I say and yes - he's comfortable enough to sometimes be a bit rude. B, being someone "outside" the manners ingrained in to him oblige him to be cheerful and pleasant. B is well aware that this is tricky waters and I believe was one of her big worries in getting involved with me as S24 is a rather large and hairy set of baggage.
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B and I regularly talk about our former marriages which I find somewhat uncomfortable but does allow us to explore things about each other that might not have been obvious. One thing that B was confused about because it is so outside her experience for a man was the fact that I hung on to hope for so very long even after I knew about my wife's affair. I saw a change in her expression and understanding though in that I was someone who wouldn't easily give up on a person that they cared about which I think she likes.
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Sleep and "ahem" bedroom related activities are continuing to be navigated. I've redacted the two paragraphs I'd previously written but will just say that things are very very different for both of us. Especially me. B gets up at 4:00. We go to bed around 8:30, get to sleep an hour or so later, she comes over sometime between 2:00 and 3:00 for a half-hour cuddle and then the alarm. She gets home early and so has a nap from time to time but this old dog is dragging. She's away this weekend to the cottage with her girl-friends and I'm looking forward to being able to stretch out and get caught up on my sleep.
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Overall we're very happy still. Pretty much all of her stuff has been moved in and is mostly sitting in boxes in the laundry room. We're keeping our eyes open I think and doing the best we can.
It is hard to get used to having someone else in your space again. I have struggled with that a little as well and Sparky and I don't live together. We spend weekends together, but that is only 2 nights out of 7. Occasionally he will spend an extra night or 2 and if he has to work, it makes for an interesting morning routine, because he has to be AT work at 6:00 and I don't usually even get up until 6:00. Fortunately I'm a pretty heavy sleeper so after I am awakened by the alarm, I can typically go back to sleep quickly. The other thing is that he's a snoozer and I'm not. He sets his alarm then snoozes at least twice. I get up the first time my alarm goes off. When his starts going off somewhere after 4:30 and keeps going off until 5:15ish, that can be annoying.
Y'all will get it figured out. And, in the meantime, naps are good.
Well - I'm exhausted. I also think that I hurt my right shoulder while sleeping on Thursday night. Yesterday I couldn't lift my arm hardly at all which made the day difficult and painful. It's slightly better today but not a lot.
A bit disjointed and rambly today.
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B's having a good time on her girl's weekend. Both surprisingly and unsurprisingly she calls and texts through the day. She left mid-day Thursday and I expect her back sometime later this afternoon.
I had been hoping to have dinner with an old friend on Friday which I think made B nervous because this friend happens to be a single woman. My friend has been going through a very rough time lately and I thought an evening out would cheer her up. It fell through though as she never got back to me on if she was actually ok with going out.
So on Friday night I watched "The Man Who Killed Don Quixote" which I found fabulous. So many things woven together from the book in to the story. The editing etc on the movie wasn't all that good and so unless you are also a fan of The Knight of the Rueful Countenance I'd suggest giving it a pass.
There were some heavy duty meetings last Thursday and Friday at work where I learned more officially that my boss will indeed retire this year with some people saying September. The new project is expected to go until at least next summer so I pretty much have at least a year's worth of job security. That's a good thing.
I did ask S24 how he and B are getting along and he was very positive about it. I did remind him that he has seniority and if there are any problems to please let me know. He gets his car on Tuesday I believe and we've more or less sorted out the parking situation. I wasn't asked about financing or insurance so presumably his mother is dealing with all that which is a relief that it's not another thing on me. I'm bracing myself for potential interactions with my ex as I expect her to help S24 with his driving practice. I think it will go ok. It's almost a full 3 years now since she moved out following roughly 4 months of in-house separation h@ll. Other than one "coffee date" in late November 2016 and the lawyer meetings I've not passed any words with that woman since. Where I might have had things to say to her years ago I can't think of anything that I would care to hear or say.
I expect that my ex would be pretty annoyed though if B offers to help S24 with driving practice which she may well do as she's done work early afternoon most days.
I did have a reconciliation nightmare on Thursday night which was tough. First one of those that I've had in a while. It was also weird sleeping alone again. I thought that it would be nice to have the bed to myself but I did miss B being there.
I ordered a bouquet for B last week and it's waiting for her on the dresser. The flower shop did a nice job of it. I just gave some guidelines about colour (oranges and yellows) and budget ($40). I feel bad a bit because I can't help but look at FSL, or even CL who has re-emerged to a degree and think "what if". I am committed to making things work with B though so need to put those thoughts out of my head. Even though FSL didn't do the bouquet herself she highly approves of B's taste in colours.
Now that we're connected on social media I did notice that B's STBX seems to be clinging on, commenting on a fresh made pie "my favourite" and interacting with the girl's weekend postings. B normally doesn't post original content. It makes me feel awkward. Almost as if I am an OM - which by some definitions I am. And that does bother me. B and I have talked about it a few times but I don't push her to get her divorce moving. It is literally none of my business. It will happen when it happens and until then I'll feel awkward. B has a specific timeline that she's talked about and it's still well over a year out before she's going to push. Whether he initiates it or not is anyone's guess but being as his current affair partner of a few year's standing has made no moves to move to Canada (she's in the US) and in with him I can't see his moving out of his paralysis.
Having been in the position of stalking my wife's social media and interpreting and overthinking everything I do feel bad for him. But if he wouldn't have cheated on his wife multiple times and rubbed her nose in it, perhaps he wouldn't be where he is. There was one picture of a grandson with cheesies sticking out of his mouth taken in my kitchen that he commented on with a "love you grandson" message. I decided to block him so that I don't see his interactions and also so that he won't be lurking around on my profile either. Not that I have anything to hide, but I don't want him stalking me either even if only online.
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It was a very productive day yesterday - and exhausting. I was going solid from about 9:00 am on. Lots of laundry done, I picked up a sheet of 3/4" plywood to build some more blanket boxes that B said we need and shifted the boat and utility trailers around so that the boat is more accessible to be worked on. Not bad with a bum shoulder although I did have to adapt so that while I had lots of strength in that arm, that I didn't lift it much. Unavoidable when hanging out the wash.
I did notice while cutting the grass that the northern part of my lilacs are now out. What glorious thing to see and smell.
I did sit outside for a while. First while BBQing a small steak for my dinner and then later with a book, fire and a beer. B "of course" called me on video chat with the other girls and I was teased for sitting out with a beer. While I was on the phone with them, 20S called and updated me on her medical condition. The good news is that they have figured out what her issue is and it's treatable. The bad news is that it is a life-long condition that she will have to manage. She said that her boyfriend is being very good through everything which is nice.
B's youngest son is going to stop by this afternoon dropping off a couch that was surplus from B's daughter who is moving. S24 helped me shift the old futon that was doing duty as a couch and filling that empty spot in the living room where the couch used to live before my ex took it in the first purge she did of the house.
B messaged me early this morning concerned about a book that one of her girlfriends is reading. It's from a faith based healer and she wanted my opinion. I did do a quick browse around and among the "this book changed my life - 5 stars" was a review on bible dot org which seemed to be a good scholarly review that basically said that the author was twisting scripture for his own purposes. I let B know that it didn't appear to be on the up and up but that she needed to form her own opinion. B and the other girls did a bit of an intervention, reading through parts of the book themselves and pointing out that the idea that you could be cured of hypoglycemia by having a Godly husband seemed a bit absurd.
B is herself Catholic although not practicing for many years. Even though I'm not a person of faith myself I have told her that I would certainly be willing to attend Mass with her. I think that her past partners weren't supportive at all. On the other hand B also believes in psychics which I'm skeptical about but I think she was surprised when I didn't dismiss them just saying that there's a lot in the universe that I don't know.
Well - I think I'm going to soak my tired muscles in the tub for a while. No ironing today I think as I'll do it on one of the rainy days forecast for this week. I hope to get some bedding plants in to the flower beds and planter today.
I have a lamb shoulder thawed that I'm going to put in the slow cooker for Sunday supper. I also picked up a butternut squash that I'll cube and bake.
B regularly makes spelling mistakes and her first message said homey husband rather than Godly. I am pretty good at the homey part. It's so nice having someone to spoil that really appreciates it.
Flowers for your girlfriend when she comes home is out of a movie. I have never had a guy do something like that for me and B is really lucky. Hope you give her the chance to reciprocate as it seems like she likes to give as well.
B got home rather later than expected with GS2 and GS4 in tow (long story). She had called in advance and S24 and I did a quick sweep around the house to make sure that the child-proofing was prepared.
At the first sound of small boys the cats beat it to upstairs although Liz did come down and lay in the hallway - until someone got close to her and then she'd vanish again. The boys treated the cats with respect which B monitored closely and enforced. She is a really great mother but then again she's had a lot of practice. Both her own children and the grandkids that I've met all adore her even with her no-nonsense brand of parenting.
I fed everyone - B was busy supervising and we had a very simple dinner of roast lamb, cubed butternut squash and fresh biscuits. B had brought one of the rhubarb meringue pies she made for the cottage home so that was desert. I would have liked to have had more variety but no one left the table hungry even with minimal left-overs.
Dinner was a bit humorous because neither B nor the kids had ever eaten lamb before and in order to simplify things it was referred to as "chicken" for the boys. S24 was in a good humour - he loves small kids too and we teased the boys about eating up to "get big and strong and have hair on your chest" - something that S24 and I were well able to demonstrate which impressed the small boys.
The boys have gone through a lot for much of their lives and were noisy and clingy - awkward when Andrew is using large knives. Rules had to be established. Sitting on the table turned out to be acceptable but standing on it wasn't. You pick what hills are worth fighting for and from the table they could safely watch me cook. I spilled and GS2 who had only been in the laundry room once dashed in there to get me a broom and dustpan to clean up with. B assured me that he is very very observant.
After dinner we took them to the local park where they had a blast and we tired them out pretty much completely. After a while on the teeter-totters and swings, B and GS2 split off and went to the creek to look at the water and I stayed with GS4 who . When it got dark and the bugs started coming out, we went home, smelling every fresh lilac on the way, the boys tidied up their toys in to the box and we took them to their dad B's S39 (?) who was very exhausted himself. He did seem pleased to finally meet me. The boys were assured that they were more than welcome to come visit at Nona and Andrew's house again. B is - with prompting from me - more and more referring to this as "her" home too, not just as Andrew's place.
Flowers for your girlfriend when she comes home is out of a movie. I have never had a guy do something like that for me and B is really lucky. Hope you give her the chance to reciprocate as it seems like she likes to give as well.
B was so busy when she got home that she noticed that I had folded her shirts but not the flowers right next to them until we were getting ready for bed. When I finished getting ready she was laying in bed naked and without covers. Post menopausal hot flashes no doubt
I do think she quite liked the flowers.
A week's vacation for me now. I have a big list of things to get done around the house. Heavy rain has started for today and is forecast for later in the week. My sloop is getting a fairly good washing right now. Outside painting will happen tomorrow and I'm also planning on going up to the local large farmer's market. On Wednesday I hope that B and I will go out for dinner with my best friend and his wife after a CostCo run. B's not had enough chance to think yet to know if she'll be up for it or not. I may do the dusting and then perhaps get to cleaning and scrubbing the cupboards. I'm trying to decide what to make for dinner - B mentioned a stir fry and we have all the ingredients now as standard pantry fare.
I am nervous about the arrival of S24's car tomorrow. It marks the beginning of a new time in more ways than one. I do expect that OM will be involved as I can't think how else my ex will get the car from the dealership to here as S24 can't drive without someone else in the car. I'll probably be outside painting when this happens. Not looking forward to it - but divorce is the gift that keeps giving I suppose.
I have sent S24 a note suggesting that he and I (very specifically just the two of us) should do brunch on Father's Day this coming Sunday.
Glad you got to meet S39, even if it was brief. Grandkids are the best and I'm sure you will grow to love their appearances in your life and your space.
Happy vacation!
Wednesday! I'm stiff and sore and a bit sunburned but the front porch has a first coat of paint on it. Since I'm on vacation I've been getting up at 4:00am with B and sitting with her while she has her morning coffee then scampering back to bed for more sleep when she gets home from work.
This afternoon we're headed about an hour drive away to the local CostCo and to have dinner with some good friends of mine. The first "real" set that B will meet. I think she's a bit stressed about it.
I think that B is settling in here even to the degree that she's accepting the cats. On the couch this morning I had B on one side and Amy on the right and B was playing with her across my lap. Given the chaos and poor living conditions that I know that B has had for the last 2 years and the stress and drama of the couple of years before that, I think that she's finding it comforting and relaxing to be here. And certainly very very different.
B had to leave late afternoon after relaxing watching me paint the porch to deal with some S39 drama. By the time she got home an hour or so later, I had dinner just about on the table. Nothing fancy - comfort food. Creamy tomato soup, grilled cheese sandwiches and a couple of sausages to add some extra bulk and protien to what would normally be a lunch meal.
Since I'm on vacation this week I had a long list of things that I wanted to accomplish both inside and outside. Several of which I would have liked to have B involved with. Given a rainy day on Tuesday, I pulled everything out of the cupboards and scrubbed them down and the re-arranged. B was there for some of it and gave helpful input on where things could be moved to. A number of items are being purged either to donation or being sent to the cottage.
Since I'm also on vacation more than the usual amount of beer has been consumed. B teases me about it from time to time which I take both in good humour and also as a second incentive to cut back. She asked me if I'd ever been drunk since she moved in which I assured her that I had and that if I'd had more than I had on those occasions I would have fallen asleep. She was happy I think to say that she felt that I was a "happy drunk". She's said multiple times that she has no problems with driving if I want to have some extra. For me - I want to cut back for a variety of reasons the main one being health. It's not doing me a lot of harm other than the carbs but it's certainly not doing me much good.
S24's new car was put in to the garage yesterday when I was off to the farmer's market. I was a bit surprised as it would have required his mother to actually take time off work. He seems nervous about the whole thing as he is now making payments out of his savings. I did see from the forms he left sitting on the counter that his mother has put him on her insurance as well. All very good things. I did have to drive him "in to town" to go to the bank to pick up the auto-withdrawal permission forms but that was no big.
On a whim I did have a security camera running in the kitchen - the old tablet that normally is sitting on the counter. I felt a bit bad about that but was reassured and unsurprised by the fact that my ex was not visible nor heard inside the house. It was obvious that there was no one else home and so if there was a time that she would have been there - that would have been it. I still worry a bit about the arrangements for driving practice but by the sound of S24, that's a short term thing as he intends to get his next level of driver's license as soon as he practices up parallel parking and 3 point turns.
Well - the tea pot is empty - time to put on some sunscreen. Go across the street to the garden centre for some plants first and then get back to painting. I'd hoped for B to assist with the plant selection but she never really showed any interest.
A bien tot mes amis.
Struggling with an issue that probably isn't an issue.
My week's vacation is coming to an end. As usual I'm trying to stuff in as much stuff around the house as I can. B and I did get out on Wednesday night though for dinner with my best friend and his wife. I knew that it went well when I came back from using the 'loo and they were all chatting away animatedly.
One of the side effects is that I'm exhausted. B and I usually wake up around 3:30 - her alarm goes off at 4:00 and since I'm off I go down with her and we catch up on the news until she goes to work and I go back to bed for another couple of hours. I've been exhausted much of the week but a lot has gotten done.
Yesterday given a slightly inaccurate forecast of rain I decided to do one of the big inside projects and spent most of the day in the workshop making some new blanket boxes from a sheet 3/4" plywood. I have drawings that make one big and one small box out of one sheet. On a whim after I finished all the power tool work I suggested to S24 that he drive me in to town for a beer run. He was grateful for the practice, cheerful, we ran a couple of errands and he did a good job of parallel parking and eventually we got home and I started the assembly / glue up.
Later I was relaxing in front of the TV - something I rarely do - and a bit stressed / worried because B was a couple of hours over-due for getting home (she ran some extra errands). S24 comes in to the living room, requests that I turn off the TV and then proceeds to tell me off about wanting him to move out of the house and joking about it with friends - the whole "cooking with cheese" thing included. He mentioned 20S as well.
This baffled me. I said that yes I did want him to move out and be independent but that he was welcome to stay as well and that there was no pressure. Having said his piece, he turned on his heel and retreated back upstairs to his room leaving me baffled.
B eventually got home and I had actually accidentally timed supper almost exactly right. We had a chicken stir-fry - and I told her the story. She goes in to "fixer" mode both then and again this morning until I request that she back off on this and also her requests that I sit with a book today - which is undoubtedly something good but I do have so much that I want to get done.
I'm still struggling with the rant from S24, short and polite as it was. Where the heck did that come from right out of the blue with no warnings of any sort and about something that had been openly discussed since he moved home 2 years ago.
I do know that he's under a lot of stress having now gotten a car with payments. From his comments when we went for a drive it would appear that there is no solid plan from his mother to help him practice - no huge surprise that she did the shiny part but not the work - but certainly a disappointment.
Well - time I suppose to get more things moving along. Just wanted to get this off my chest.
Andrew,
I think you've accomplished quite a bit this week. Try to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day and all of those things that you want to do will get done in time. The weather has been all over the place and I have a feeling that some of your projects were out of doors and couldn't be done because of the weather. You got your boat ready, you've run errands, had dinner out w/Be and friends, gave the porch a fresh coat of paint, picked up some flowers to plant and made blanket boxes. So, it's time to sit down for just a wee bit and relax because come Monday morning, you'll be back at work once again. Take some time to smell the roses and just breathe!
As for your son, he may have been mulling over the moving out bit and if his job isn't working out, he could be feeling the pinch knowing he now has a car payment. Also, he may have been having some discussions w/his mother and she may have pointed out some things to him which he is working on in his mind. Whatever the reason, you need to have a nice chat w/him (again) and reassure him that he is welcome to stay. I do think you did the right thing by asking B to back off. This is an issue between you and your son and her stepping into the middle of it won't sit well.
As for the 20S, he may be more resentful of the fact that her stuff is still there and yet, he felt like you may have been more than happy for him to be out the door. BTW, since he brought this up, maybe it is time to have 20S come get her stuff. Your son moving out (on his own) may sit better w/him once her stuff is gone.
I am not surprised that his mother did the shiny part and not the hard work. Looks like you'll be having him drive you around until he takes his test. The more time he has behind the wheel, the better.
Just my two cents.
Just a thought about S24’s ‘rant’,
It could have emanated from a throw away remark from his mum. She may have said to him words along the lines of,
“Oh, now B has moved in, they want you out”. These words may have sat in his head for days making him stew a bit.
Just my tuppence worth.
Thanks job / Westo.
Yes - I think it's safe to say that I'll need to step up and get S24 out driving. I expect that he'll drive tomorrow morning when we go out for Father's Day. He has no specific plans but does have a plan to have a plan
Had a couple of interesting chats at the car dealer on Friday while I was waiting for my car to be serviced. My salesman who S24 and his mother dealt with said that she seemed nervous and even said that she was uncertain if he would do business with her as he and I were friends which he brushed off. The finance person (whose mother and mine were best of friends) said that my son was the spitting image of me at the same age. Engaged, personable and even sounded like me. She said that my ex was perky and cheerful - although she perhaps doesn't recall the relationship.
It does seem that some rules got stretched in getting S24 the financing as he is unemployed. Since I'm not the cosigner I'm not too worried about that.
The finance lady was happy to know that B has moved in and joked that her chances with me are shot now. In social media she shows as being with one of the mechanics from the shop but in chatting it was all about her challenges as a single mom of late teens.
One thing that did surprise me a bit was that OM was nowhere around although the salesman said he was mentioned once - presumably with the logistics of getting the car home as S24 requires a co-pilot.
Just a thought about S24’s ‘rant’,
It could have emanated from a throw away remark from his mum. She may have said to him words along the lines of,
“Oh, now B has moved in, they want you out”. These words may have sat in his head for days making him stew a bit.
Just my tuppence worth.
I think that I could give you a pound's worth of change on that tuppence Westo. None of us can actually know what is going on in his head nor his mother's.
B - in the brash outspoken way that she has - which she gets away with in part because she's not family - does ask S24 about his job hunting etc and where he might want to move to. She's also offered to help get him to interviews etc and I do expect that she'll offer to help him practice driving as she gets off work around the same time as his mother does in the early afternoon.
My ex was and presumably still is a very possessive and controlling woman. The general consensus is that she's pretty upset about things, but then again none of us can know. She cashed her monthly payment without comment as usual this morning so no changes there. Personally, if any of this makes her step up and take a more active role in her son's life and to encourage him to become independent and start living life more fully, I'm all in favour of it. I'd actually been waffling again about asking her to help when she did it on her own. Having S24 on his own two feet and established before winter is a good thing.
Well - off for my shower and errands. B has been out at the cottage with S39 and 5 of the grandkids and I need to pop out there this afternoon and be seen. And to also get a very missed hug and kiss.
Steak is planned for my solo dinner tonight and meatloaf for Sunday Supper. Let me know if you'll be by and I'll set out another plate and glass.
I am curious as to why S24 put the cart before the horse and bout the car before he got his license? And I would say without a job that the car is in his mothers name. She’s taking a big risk financing a car for someone who doesn’t have income.
I’m going to take a stab at this here. I think S24 had an outburst because This woman who just moved in is asking ( which is pressure) when he’s getting a job and moving out. Needs to be said, yes, but not by her. I probably wouldn’t take too kindly to a woman my dad just started dating and moved in asking me about that stuff. My dad should be doing that. Hey, I’m on the team if he needs a job and needs to become independent, but that would never be for me to say to him, right? The people that comes from should be the ones finding him to live as he is. I’m sure she has good intentions of wanting to see him succeed and grow up, but the source isn’t going to let him view it that way.
I was kind of concerned about the comment “which she gets away with because she’s not family” comment too. Was that meant affectionately or do you think she was out of line?
Thanks Ginger / JujuB
I have the facts on the outburst. S24 had been chatting with 20S when she perhaps teased him about us wanting him to move out. He over-reacted and confronted me.
We talked about it again this afternoon - both apologized - he knows that while I want him to be independent as he does too that he is also welcome here.
It's all good. Hurray for honest communication.
I was kind of concerned about the comment “which she gets away with because she’s not family” comment too. Was that meant affectionately or do you think she was out of line?
What I meant is that I'm so used to walking on eggshells both around S24's mother and to a lesser degree him that it's odd when someone like B - who is used to a loud family and who is an "everybody's mom" speaks up. It's generally taken in good humour all around.
Good Morning Andrew
Having lived through three boys telling me they are moving out, I will give my view.
I used the words “telling me” and not asking or discussing, because that is what they do. All my boys went through a stage where they messed up the nest, a precursor to actually leaving. Making things a bit worst, so leaving is a bit easier. And by a bit - yeah that is a relative term. At the time it was, what the ___ is going on? On the other side, it doesn’t look so bad - relativity, not just a space time thing.
Also they are growing up and realizing and accepting all that responsibility. Stepping out of the shadow of a parent is difficult. They push away. Don’y worry, they turn back around reasonably soon. They become adults and our relationship becomes more adult to adult than child to parent. That is probably harder on us than them.
I suspect S24’s rant is due to a variety of factors. Growing up, pushing away, his ‘Mom, his Dad, B, work, car payments, and so on - you know life and the pressures of it. He is grappling to find his way, and his place.
I wouldn’t get to hung up on why, focus more on how - like how can I help him through this. Realizing you can not control him; just inspire and gently steer.
Take him driving. The car is an awesome place for discussions. Let him control the car and the conversation, he will open up and let you know - when he is ready - just be sincere and listen. And you got that down pat, so no worries.
Besides, he will tell you the why eventually.
Well that’s my take on things. I am very glad to see that he “told you off”; he vented to who he sees as the safe and stable person in his life. Well done Andrew, even though it probably doesn’t feel like it right now - it gets better, honest.
Be prepared to listen and accept whatever he is feeling, the next time you won’t be caught off guard as much and it will be more productive.
I think kids rebel the most against the authority figure they respect the most.
Hoping you have a wonderful Father’s Day.
DnJ
I agree, perhaps 20 something was the last bit of pressure that blew the lid and he vented at his safe place, you.
I do really feel B perhaps should lay off. S24 knows she is willing to help which is great, so now he can go to her when he feels comfortable.
Does he have a hobby he enjoys? Maybe he can turn that into a career. Trades are often undervalued, college isn’t always the answer, but learning a trade at perhaps a trade school could give him purpose and a goal to work towards.
Does he date? Honestly, a woman he might be interested in might drive him one day to be independent . I think he knows women like men who can be independent. He may yearn for a lady one day and that will be his driving factor.
Thanks DnJ and Ginger
Does he have a hobby he enjoys? Maybe he can turn that into a career. Trades are often undervalued, college isn’t always the answer, but learning a trade at perhaps a trade school could give him purpose and a goal to work towards.
Does he date? Honestly, a woman he might be interested in might drive him one day to be independent . I think he knows women like men who can be independent. He may yearn for a lady one day and that will be his driving factor.
Well - I'm pretty sure he's straight and likes girls. He hasn't dated since he was 16 and really hasn't shown any interest that I can detect. I think he's actually fairly happy with the monastic life. He certainly had a good example from me I like to think that a man can be on his own and manage perfectly fine. The bulk of the girls his age are now married / in relationships / having babies too which reduces the available pool. He perhaps also knows that not making yourself vulnerable means that he won't get hurt. I do remember a very nice girl I dated back in University who was very firm on staying single her entire life as she didn't want to go through what her parents did in their divorce.
S24 and I were actually chatting as he was driving me home from the nice Father's Day brunch he took me out for and agreed with my comment that I was doing rather well on my own and that it is very very different with B around now.
As far as work goes S24 is actually a reasonably good chemist. He was attending University in a program oriented at medical lab work. He's not handy and has never shown any interest in the work shop or puttering around mechanically. He likes to cook and at one time considered that as a career when he was a lot younger. Despite not finishing his degree he is quite smart. He failed out more due to a lack of applying himself than inability to do the work. Even though he's an introvert he's quite personable and can be very charming. I actually think he would do well in sales. The original plan had been for him to do lab work for a few years and then start selling the lab equipment - cuz that's where the "real" money is. As a side note, after he failed out his mother chastised him for picking a career where good eyesight is an asset when he has poor vision even with his glasses. I wasn't happy about that.
We have talked multiple times about him going back to school. His opinion, which I support, is that without a specific goal in mind he would be, like a number of his friends, using up years of his life and money for no good purpose. This is an area where I could "really" use some constructive assistance from his mother as TBH I've really been stuck for the last 4 years on this. I "is" S24's thing to sort out I know but there are certainly times when I feel like I'm letting him and my "family" down by not providing stronger leadership on this.
Being more mobile will be good for him. He needs to set goals and work towards them.
Well - time to get the blankets out on the line and go for a walk around the village. I did my ironing yesterday after dinner which made for a very late night. One nice thing about B not being around these past two weekends is that it does allow me to fall back in to my old comfortable patterns for a while. I expect her home mid/late afternoon. She has to play taxi taking the various grandkids home from the cottage before she can come home herself.
The ground beef for the meatloaf is thawed and that's a fairly easy dinner for me to make. I'll maybe do some fresh biscuits, steamed vegetables and mashed potatoes to go with it.
Hi A., Happy belated Father's day. Glad you and s got to spend some alone time.
So - boys. I heard this once and it resonates ... with girls, you know about the guy they like six months before their first date. With boys, you're lucky if you learn about the female six months after they break up. Even more so with those introspective boys.
My son should have taken a gap year. Exh and I encouraged him but he insisted on going off to school ... and here we are. He paid his rent and phone bill Saturday, on our agreed upon date. I think, Andrew, that you are absolutely not letting anyone down here. As we all know, everyone is on their own path. We can only guide. We can't do it for them. You've given him a wonderful example of how to be steady in the face of adversity, how to re-build your life and do all the right things to get and stay on track after your village got nuked by the one person who should have been working with you to guard the perimeter.
He will find his way. Hold steady, which you do very well my friend.
xoxoxo
I have made no secret of the fact that I'm a huge advocate of lighting a fire under S24 and getting him out and on his own and independent, but I do NOT think that you are in any way letting him or your family down in any way. If he wants to go back to school, that is great, but that is a decision he has to make when he is ready for it and you can't make that decision for him. You are an awesome dad. You are trying to guide him as best you can when you know he has other influences that may or may not be complementary with yours. You know your son and we don't so it is easy for me to sit here and say, get him out when I don't really know all the ins and outs of the situation. I think what you are doing for your son is showing him how to be a man and handle his business. Whether he is around all the time or not, he sees you taking care of the house and your financial responsibilities and that is, undoubtedly, a lesson that will serve him well in his future. While I find it unusual that a young man is 24 and doesn't yet have a driver's license and now he's put himself in debt to get a car that he can't drive, at least he's showing ambition to gain his independence. You should be proud of that instead of thinking that you are somehow not holding up your end of the bargain. Even more to the point, though he still leaned on a parent for help, he went to his mother and asked for her help on his own and even that seems to be a step in the right direction.
As for his outburst toward you, there are any number of reasons that he might've come at you as he did. Several other posters before me have given some great ideas about that. One that came to my mind that I haven't noticed anyone else say is maybe he's a bit jealous of your finding B. I get that he's a grown man, but it has just been the 2 of you for awhile and now all of sudden, B is in the mix and in his personal space. Maybe he's pushing back a little against that whole situation, not necessarily because he doesn't like B or doesn't want you to be happy, but because it has disrupted his "normal". I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it is just a thought. Only he REALLY knows why he lashed out.
well, to go a bit further with Dawn's post - if someone had moved into my family home and was there for a very short time and started telling me what to do, I'd lay into my dad also - and my dad was - make no mistake about this - my favorite parent. love my mom to bits, but I was and always will be daddy's little girl ... so maybe son is irked about that.
xoxoxo
hope this helps.
D26 is now D27 - it was her birthday yesterday. I sent her flowers and a card. She missed the florist by about 10 minutes yesterday and so they were delivered today.
The peonies in the front flower bed were opening this morning. They looked lovely. Favourite flowers of both D27 and her mother. This bed was rescued from a neighbour who was renovating about 20 years ago. Perhaps more. My ex used to say that they always opened specially for her for her birthday which is Saturday. She'll be 54.
It was on her 50th birthday "girls weekend" with her sister when I personally think she was pushed along the first steps on the path towards infidelity.
Sometimes it all seems like just yesterday and others it seems like forever ago.
I did look at the peonies this morning though and wondered if she does perhaps have honest regrets. Not that would change the past nor even the future. She only lives 5 minutes away and so would pass by the house that was her home for about 1/2 her life from time to time. She really did love those flowers even more so than the ones from her grandmother's farm that will be blooming soon in the back garden. She loved that house as well despite it's crooked walls and floors. She even loved me.
I'll undoubtedly never know the truth. It does make me sad about the loss of what could have been for her, for me and for our family.
My own future is looking bright. I am with a woman who I love and who loves me with an intensity that I've never experienced before. My children have grown in to fine adults, albeit flawed but who isn't. My career for the present appears to be stable. My health is good. I have many good friends and still do, each and every day find some Joy to appreciate, no matter how small.
I am very blessed.
Here's an idea, perhaps for your son to give his mom - take cuttings from the peonies and plant them in a pot for her.
My own future is looking bright. I am with a woman who I love and who loves me with an intensity that I've never experienced before.
For those of us that were the pursuers and nurturers, it's refreshing to be in a relationship where that is returned in equal measure, isn't it?
Here's an idea, perhaps for your son to give his mom - take cuttings from the peonies and plant them in a pot for her.
LOL - Given that ants usually accompany peonies this might not be a popular move. But on the other hand ....... HMMMMM
While I can't know for sure, I'm pretty certain that his mother hasn't taken S24 out for driving practice as of yet. I do know that early on she texted both kids at least twice a day but have no idea what sort of contact nor at what frequency it may be. Literally none of my business though beyond the now complicated parking situation which is more or less sorted out.
I did send a message to S24 yesterday morning that we could go in "to town" at lunch time together but since he didn't emerge from his den until well after lunch that didn't work out.
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On a good news side, my solo trip for a week in Madrid has been booked for mid-September. Tickets for the Prado museum are going to be pre-ordered as well. I'm nervous but also excited. It's a mostly guided trip but with a couple of open days and I'm sure evenings etc. B I think is nervous about me going but she's broke and any conversations we have about taking trips etc have the base implication that we each pay our own way on such things.
I am thinking of doing another weekend getaway sometime reasonably soon. Niagara Falls is nice and not too far away and certainly romantic. One challenge is that the hotel that I would most likely pick is the same as the one where my ex and I spent our 25th wedding anniversary. Despite being modestly priced, it has nice views of the Falls (if you are lucky) and big two person tubs.
I've worked hard on not repeating things I did with my ex with B even down to pet names. B actually asked me the other day what pet name that my ex had for me and was rather surprised that it was Bunny (I can hear you giggling from here). There are no worries that she'll call me that. I've almost slipped a couple of times and called B the pet name I had for my ex which is based on her name. The places where my honeymoon was spent don't exist except for on hotel which isn't romantic at all so no worries there.
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I'm really struggling on being motivated at work -hence posting mid-afternoon on a Thursday. Rumours of my boss retiring continue to swirl. One of the company presidents (we have one for each division) told me that he had been given a date of September 10th. When I sent in my official vacation request my boss mentioned that he is planning on being in Italy around that time. When he leaves, there will be some shake-up around here. Hopefully for the good. What my own role will be remains uncertain.
I can't wait for the weekend - although what's happening is kinda up in the air. B's son has asked if we'll take two grandkids for the weekend. I've remained neutral on the subject but it would make the third weekend in a row that B has been occupied / away. And she was complaining to "me" that I'm too busy on weekends.
On the relationship front, things are going reasonably smoothly. It's still odd to have B around at times. Her son I think is struggling with having his two little ones (GS2, GS4) underfoot on his own and B has gone in fairly often to rescue. I stay out of it although he did ask if we would take the kids this weekend which I'm not really keen on as I've not gotten much "B time" for me and she looked after them all last weekend - along with 3 others. I may hint that she perhaps needs a break.
One unexpected thing that I have a bit of a struggle with is the fact that B is indeed still married. We can ignore the fact that she still does a certain amount of adulting for her STBX (when? We don't know but probably not for a year) Every now and then she refers to me jokingly as "Mr Magoo" as a pet name. The automatic but supressed response would be to refer to her as "Mrs" or even "Ms" whatever. But I don't. I sort of "feel" like a husband and presumably she feels rather wifely but there's that darned legal fact that she is indeed married to another man and that I am playing the part of Lothario in this drama.
Speaking of things matrimonial, I have done some reading and it turns out that in Ontario, Canada that a person can indeed have a legal married spouse and a common law one. Common law status begins after 3 years however for Canada Revenue, they consider Common Law to be one year. We do need to get our legal ducks in a row - ideally before I go away on my trip (you never know what may happen).
I honestly don't know what B's feelings are as far as re-marrying in the future. She's made the comment that she has no interest in it but I'm not certain how solid that feeling is in reality.
Andrew,
What I do when cutting peonies for my house is that I cut them the night before and place them in a vase outside. The next morning...the ants are gone. This has worked for me every time. Actually, you need the root/bulb in order to repot/transplant them. You can do this in the fall or early spring. You will need to select one of your peonies and then dig it up and separate the "roots" and them replant/repot the roots into a pot for his mom. I have done this with the plants at my parents' home and I have some beautiful peonies that are quite old and yet still going strong.
Why do you think that B is nervous about your trip to Spain? It's not like you are planning to hook up w/someone else. Do you think it's because she will be on her own in your home?
If I am out of line, please let me know, but doesn't B's son have siblings that could help out w/taking care of his children? Does he work on the weekends or is this his party time? Do you know if he shares custody w/the mother of his children? If so, they need to work out the care of the children. Unless you speak up, I see the little ones being at your home every weekend. As for you being busy every weekend...what about B? BTW, how can you be too busy on the weekends when you have little ones under foot unless she is hoping that you'll help take care of them.
She may make comments that she has no interest in remarrying, but I would put money on the bet that if she were legally free and you asked her....she would jump at that opportunity to say "yes". Why? Because you are a good man and no you do not look anything like Mr. Magoo.
Andrew,
What I do when cutting peonies for my house is that I cut them the night before and place them in a vase outside. The next morning...the ants are gone. This has worked for me every time. Actually, you need the root/bulb in order to repot/transplant them. You can do this in the fall or early spring. You will need to select one of your peonies and then dig it up and separate the "roots" and them replant/repot the roots into a pot for his mom. I have done this with the plants at my parents' home and I have some beautiful peonies that are quite old and yet still going strong.
I've split / moved the peonies a couple of times and yes - it is pretty straightforward. I have three different types but the ones in the front yard are particularly nice. Since his mother doesn't have a back yard I don't know if she'd have any place to transplant them to. Although she did dig up the rose bush from her grandmother's farm last spring - maybe it got planted at one of her siblings' homes.
I've not heard of that idea of cutting the peonies. I may try it as I do love how they look and smell. There are some common areas that are difficult for the cats to get to where I could display them in a bowl perhaps. An arrangement I got for B a couple of weeks ago is still going strong in the bedroom but it's a big house.
Why do you think that B is nervous about your trip to Spain? It's not like you are planning to hook up w/someone else. Do you think it's because she will be on her own in your home?
There's an old joke of sorts that the second wife always goes on business trips. It's a new relationship. Trust is a difficult thing to relearn. For both of us in fact. I know that I'm having to work on it myself as B is still in close contact with her STBX and even still hears from a couple of guys that she had dated after she left. But it's like kml told me some time ago - wouldn't someone who cares be much better than someone who can discard?
If I am out of line, please let me know, but doesn't B's son have siblings that could help out w/taking care of his children? Does he work on the weekends or is this his party time? Do you know if he shares custody w/the mother of his children? If so, they need to work out the care of the children. Unless you speak up, I see the little ones being at your home every weekend. As for you being busy every weekend...what about B? BTW, how can you be too busy on the weekends when you have little ones under foot unless she is hoping that you'll help take care of them.
B's son has sole custody. The mother is not a "fit mother" and the other option would be adoption which is where the boys were headed a year ago. It gets complicated fast so I won't go in to detail. There is a childless brother and his wife the next village over with the other brother and sister being a bit over an hour away in different directions. Again - without going in to too much detail, this son has burned a lot of bridges with his entire family - including to a large degree his mother and especially with his father. But B is a "fixer" and also his mother so she does what she can and is working on boundaries. She texted me a short while ago and she's also working on his laundry getting it all caught up so that he can stay on top of it himself.
I don't think that B has any expectation that I'll help much with the grand-kids as she takes her responsibilities seriously. They are very "busy" though and double-teaming them helps.
B though is very very tired of pretty much everything. She's really not had much of a break from other people's drama in probably a decade with the last few years being particularly difficult. She's made it plain to me that she is looking forward to living her life more for herself than for others. But old habits die hard. Both for her and for those who were dependent on her.
She may make comments that she has no interest in remarrying, but I would put money on the bet that if she were legally free and you asked her....she would jump at that opportunity to say "yes". Why? Because you are a good man and no you do not look anything like Mr. Magoo.
Well - I'm not short at least
Well colour me purple and call me a Heffalump. B called me as I was on my way home from work to let me know she had gotten GS2 / GS4 settled in and that S24 had gone out driving. With his mother.
When I got closer to home I texted him to let him know that I would park on the street and a few hours later he pulls in to the drive with his mother in the passenger seat. B and I were busily tidying the kitchen before bed after the kids were put to bed and I didn't actually see her but B did and I'm sure that she would have seen both our heads bopping around inside.
S24 parked his car, came in in a great mood and sat, visited, had a drink (he shared a taste of his rhubarb cider - different), browsed through the European vacation brochures and chatted with B about the European school trip he'd been on and the places she wanted to go.
Normal.
The kids had a mostly quiet night despite this being their first sleep-over here. GS2 is "very" busy and somewhat naughty and B keeps a tight rein on him. I was getting a bit overwhelmed in the kitchen where I was trying to make breakfast for myself while B was suggesting she would eat with me, nattering at me about some things we would be doing, asking opinions on dinner while GS2 was being noisily underfoot. I escaped to the office where Amy and I are enjoying some relative peace. GS4 is vegged in front of the TV watching cartoons on Netflix.
One of the things that stressed me out was that B went on the "well if things don't work out we'll always be friends" thing and wouldn't stop the first time I asked her. This was after I showed her a picture I got last night of an old (single and female) friend sent me of her and her mother on her mother's 90th birthday and also mentioned that I may meet up with some European friends when I'm in Spain who are also female. Full disclosure and honesty are important to me.
I'll head out shortly to do the errands on my own then around lunch we're going to head a couple of town over for their "touch a truck" event. A cool thing where the local emergency services and construction companies bring out their big equipment and allow kids of all sizes to climb all over them and ask questions.
Give me strength. Insta-families are tough.
B and I both agree that this is her last non-"us" weekend for a bit. Heck - we even had to wear PJs and sleep with the door open last night - only two night awakenings by the kids but we both slept pretty lightly.
I believe we're going to have a fire tonight and toast some weenies. B has said that she's going to make shrimp linguine for Sunday supper. The first one she'll have done. I'm not sure if the GK are going home before that or not.
Meanwhile Amy and I are enjoying the relative quiet. S24 was last heard snoring despite the slamming doors and loud complaints / commentary from the ankle-biter brigade.
God bless you Andrew. I sure am not in the space for all that ruckus in my life right now. Just reading this made me uncomfortable - nothing against the kiddos, just that right now in my life I crave peace and quiet with every atom of my being ... I'm sitting with you and Amy, lol
Have a great time today. xoxoxo
God bless you Andrew. I sure am not in the space for all that ruckus in my life right now. Just reading this made me uncomfortable - nothing against the kiddos, just that right now in my life I crave peace and quiet with every atom of my being ... I'm sitting with you and Amy, lol
Have a great time today. xoxoxo
LOL. I'm exhausted. And B is taking on the brunt of the effort. We took turns to shower yesterday. GS2 has been hyper. I actually had to raise my voice to them last night when they started charging through the back garden flower beds. B now has some lovely peonies in a bowl.
She is similarly exhausted. I don't know how she managed when it was the 4 of them in a small apartment. She is actually a consistent and effective disciplinarian as you would expect of someone who has raised 6 kids previously.
S24 is keeping a low profile as are the cats. I believe they are going home this afternoon. I have made sure though that B knows that they are welcome to come visit. I think that this house - so much bigger than they are used to along with a bunch of other new things are part of what is going on. Also - they're small boys. The good news is that "most" of the water stayed in the tub last night at least. They loved the bubbles.
This was part of the package I knowingly signed up for.
Well - I'm upset with myself. GS3 (previously mislabeled as GS2 - birthday was in May) is an annoying little sod. The continuous questions I can deal with but the constant grabbing and trying to take things, asking if he can do something and then doing it anyway after being told "no" did actually get to be too much for me. Especially since a number of the "no" things involved active destruction. I did manage to sew up B's favourite stuffed bear which was a gift to her from a dear friend on the birthday that she walked out of her former marriage.
The fact that he does it with a huge grin on his face as if he thinks he's getting away with it and is smarter than everyone else was super annoying. Junior narcissist in training perhaps?
So - I yelled at the kid. No hitting. I don't do that. I'd been relying on B to do the supervising and discipline but she had her hands full as well. After being told multiple times to not grab at things on the table he did it one too many times and I yelled and then picked him up and removed him from the situation. B showed up - completely unsurprised and took over.
Yes - I know the kid has a "lot" of issues and has been bounced around a lot in the 3 years he's been on this earth. And yes - he's 3. It's a thing. I'm upset with myself. And yes - him. Annoying little sod probably applies to a lot of 3 year olds.
B and I also had an argument when she insisted on doing dishes when I was wanting to do them alone and give her time to supervise the kids / relax. And also be alone to putter.
So - B got dressed while I supervised and then took the kids late this morning back home. She's not been able to get in touch with S39 though and so told me that she may well miss Sunday Supper. Grumble. The kids had a nap in the car and went to the park. GS3 was certainly waaay over-tired.
In her absence I did what I do when I'm upset. I cleaned. The living room was put back together, the random chip crumbs vacuumed from the rug and couch, the fridge and freezer emptied, scrubbed and re-organized. 2 loads of laundry including some very very small underwear has been washed and dried. And I did something important to me that B and I haven't found time together to do. I did my big annual visit to the graves of my ancestors and left them the last blossoms of fresh lilacs.
Well - thanks for the space for the rant. Time to get to my ironing. I have a bottle of Zinfandel in the fridge for B when she get home of she needs it.
We'll get through this. But - yeah - some days it's tough.
B and I both hope that once we get through June that things will settle down and we'll have some "us" time because TBH - we're perhaps seeing less of each other than when we were dating.
Time to get moving again. I did have about an hour in a tub with bubbles and epson salts. Highly recommended especially in the absence of small children.
Some recommendations if you don't mind:
Keep them busy or they'll keep you busy. Outings to parks and /or long walks will keep them out of your stuff and hopefully wear them out enough to be calm when they are home. Also keep them well fed and try your best to get them plenty of sleep.
Remember GS3 has had a chaotic life and who knows hat kind of chemical influences in the womb. Try to focus on positive attention. '
You're not super-human. Don't expect perfection.
You're not super-human. Don't expect perfection.
Above all, what KML said!
So you yelled at a 3 year old that very likely deserved it at the moment. Don't beat yourself up over doing what most of us likely would have done. You didn't lose it or haul off and smack him or something - you simply applied discipline. There's nothing to feel bad about. And if you want to adjust your response for next time - fine, but honestly I'm betting no adjustment is needed.
3 year olds are little terrors. No matter their upbringing . Whenever I think about having another kid, I remember they have to be 3 years old at some point. Then my ovaries shut down. I feel too old for that at 39.
So cut yourself some slack. I imagine your relatively quiet home being taken over by 2 toddlers has to be a bit of a culture shock. It’s a hard adjustment .
Everyone who has weighed in already has said pretty much what I was going to. Cut yourself some slack. It has been a long time since your house has been bustling with little ones and you were younger then, so you had more energy to deal with it. Besides, little kids that age can be EXHAUSTING no matter what their upbringings have been like. I'm sure B is a loving, stable influence on them and that is great, but they are still at that age where they are into everything and questioning everything (what is this? how does this work? what does that do?......you get the idea). I don't really subscribe to that whole thing about kids will be kids because regardless of age, they should receive firm yet loving discipline to show them how to behave properly. I don't think 3 is too young to learn the right way and wrong way to act and it is certainly old enough to understand what "no" means. Don't sweat it, Andrew, you did fine. Good luck! This may be a big adjustment for you, but since B is a good disciplinarian, hopefully, it will be an easier transition than you think.
Andrew I will simply echo everyone else and also say that dealing with an insta-family has to be difficult. The only thing I would add is that a great tool in the arsenal of anyone dealing with three year olds (ugh, miserable age!!) is DISTRACTION. that can be your friend.
In the meantime, pour yourself a scotch and put your feet up!
xoxoxo
Thanks everyone. B never got home until well after dinner on Sunday. Her son got quite the ear-full I believe.
The settling in is taking time and patience. The "battle of the kitchen" continues. It was challenging again last night and I could feel myself getting frustrated. Mainly because while I was trying to make my lunch B was doing dishes and I ended up compromising and working around her. It didn't help that I've been very tired and stressed about a bunch of things both at home and work.
We know that this is a problem and B has made some suggestions that we need to talk about that will undoubtedly help.
B also asked me how I was doing on my diet and wasn't happy with my "poorly" answer. And also wasn't happy with my reasons. I've not been able to make time to go for my long walks, I'm eating dessert far more than I used to as well as home cooked meals. B is convinced that if I cut back on my beer consumption - which is undoubtedly higher than it should be - that that is the answer. Negotiations continue. The big part that we are working on together is what I eat for lunch and in the evening. I've been eating essentially the same lunch for the last 5 or 6 years and if I stay "good" it comes to about 1600 calories on those days. Post bomb-day - having reduced calories 4 days / week combined with a lot of walking gave me rapid weight loss and also has allowed me to drop weight consistently at other times.
B though is determined that when we can that we'll have dinner together in the evening. Including dessert. I'm working on adjusting my lunch to open up space in my daily caloric input for that. Getting out for my walks which I do quite enjoy is something that we need to work on. It's plain to me that despite in the early days of dating her saying that she loved long walks, our definitions are rather different.
One thing that sticks out quite a bit and is undoubtedly part of B's upbringing in a large Catholic Italian family is that she is upset at her perceived "lack of respect" that my now ex showed me during our marriage. She regards her as having failed in pretty much all the "wifely duties". Again - different attitudes and perceptions. While I knew my marriage wasn't super great, I was more or less content with what I had. B brings so much more that at times it is a bit overwhelming.
So - I'm tired, sometimes a bit grumpy and there was a love note in my lunch bag this morning which brightened my day.
Big day for B today. Today is the day that all of the things with her son and grandkids that had her under obligation are supposed to be finalized so that her son now has full custody and she's released. I have little doubt that the legal part will proceed smoothly. Having her son take more responsibility and reducing the amount that he takes advantage of his mother will be a work in progress for some time I expect.
It's also one of her grand-daughter's graduation from elementary school I believe and her STBX has made the 5 hour drive down and they will both attend and then presumably all go out to dinner / visit / hang out after. I expect it to be difficult for both of them. B has said that she's not expecting to be home until late. If they all focus on the grand-daughter then it will be fine but there are growing issues between them I believe related in large part I expect to the fact that I exist and that B is moving on with her life. There are also some money and "poor choice" issues that B feels he has made and has issues with that I'm staying waaay out of. This will be the first time they've been out together in a social situation since at least this past Christmas if not well before that.
But - working through things together. Certainly not easy and actually tougher than I thought it would be. In part though perhaps because B is nothing like the sort of person I expected to be with. She's much more loving and "traditional wife"ly for one things. I need to be sure that I continue to have my independence and continue to do the things that I like to do even if there is an overlap on what she thinks she "should" be doing.
You got kinda used to being a bachelor and doing things your way. Now you're living with a woman who is used to "mothering".
I get it - I understand it from both sides. I too have gotten used to living on my own and doing things MY way - and I'm pretty loathe to give that up. At the same time, I'm so used to being the "mom" (and with CMM, the "doctor") that I have to really watch myself that I don't become overbearing in my caretaking.
Good Morning Andrew
Your retelling of the grandkids’ spirited behaviours sure brought back the memories.
W ran a daycare out of our house, and we raise our own 4 children. So for 24 years we had toddlers around, at least 12 hours a day, and of course full time as my three sons and one daughter moved through the terrible twos - and all the other stages.
Doors, child gates, toys, and lots of outside time.
Make an area for the kids to be in, to be be able to play freely. Luckily I have pocket doors between the living room and what would be the dining room. A few child gates, play rug, toy boxes, and voila, the dining room became a playroom. Kids had access to this playroom, kitchen, back room, and bathroom - unfettered. Anywhere else required some opening of doors or the removal of a child gate.
This is the area that they knew was their’s to play in. The kitchen table was not a play ground. You ate meals at it, and coloured or did other appropriate activities.
Kids need boundaries, known limits of what and where they can explore. Setting out the physical boundaries is rather straight forward, stay in the yard, child gates, and so on. The emotional boundaries are just as important. And yes kids push and bang on an emotional limit just as much as a physical child gate. Which surprisingly is not much once they realize how solid they are.
Of course you do not have grandkids there full time so permanently rearranging your house layout is not desired, however some temporary rearrangement may bring more peaceful future visits from the little tykes.
Something that always stuck with me: I remember my Grandma taking me and my sister on a tour of the house. She showed us all the rooms and explained which ones were off limit and why. Grandpa’s room for example was off limit, he had prescription drugs and supplies, if we ate any we could get very sick. The door was usually closed, and even if it wasn’t I felt no need to explore that room - there just wasn’t anything unknown in there to look into. I have found that idea to ring true over the years with the 120+ kids that have grown up here.
I do enjoy reading about you and B. You and I have walked our paths “together” for a while and I feel an affinity to your situation. So you know where I’m coming from.
Compromise is needed in any relationship. Including in the kitchen. I am sure you and B will work it out.
You made a comment about seeing B less than when you were dating - spending quality time together not just seeing her.
Go on a date!
Make that a priority!
Most of the other stuff we fill our lives with can wait - really. You and her are forging your lives together, that is and should be one of your higher priorities.
Imagine her surprise when Andrew, after supper leaves the dishes and counter a mess and says - It’s a beautiful sunset, let’s go to the beach and enjoy it. Walk slowly hand in hand, barefoot, sand slipping between your toes, a couple of hours talking and being with each other as the last rays of the day cast long shadows of the two of you - together.
And leave the dishes to the next day. There’s magic in the air, don’t squander it.
Just some thoughts for you to consider my friend.
DnJ
And leave the dishes to the next day.
Haha I think you just made Andrew very uncomfortable!
And leave the dishes to the next day.
Haha I think you just made Andrew very uncomfortable!
You know me so well kml
Missed posting actual content earlier this week. Not too much is happening that is documentable here. I don't expect much between now and the weekend either.
One thing I like about the relationship with B is that we, and especially she is really working on making it work.
We talked about the "Battle of the kitchen" and she has said / and acted on it by giving me the space to finish up making my lunch and by getting dishes done ahead of time.
I'm hoping that we do get to spend time together this weekend. I actually have no idea what she's up to. Her plans seem to change with the breezes. She mentioned on Saturday that she may go watch the local pipe band an hour's drive away with a friend and her friend's kids with her providing them transport. As an after-thought she asked if I might like to go. She may or may not spend a bunch of time at the cottage. She's uncertain.
I'd suggested some time ago that I was looking forward to finally having an "us" weekend which we haven't had for a month. Perhaps shop for a new mattress, flooring or other exciting adventures. Given that we've only been together for not much over a month, that would be nice and was part of what I was expecting.
She has diagnosed me as having OCD, comparing me to her autistic step-son which I wasn't very flattered with. She's not used to someone who makes plans, sticks to them (generally) and who can be counted on to do what's expected when expected. Insert LOL here. Having raised 6 kids and having had access to a lake-side cottage, she's used to dropping everything to deal with a kid issue or hide from everything at the cottage, especially in the summer and especially in recent years. The idea of hanging around the house and painting or doing maintenance or just relaxing is foreign to her. As is making a plan and sticking to it. She also came from a retired partner to one where it's long and full days plus time on weekends for me.
She's asked me "what do you do on a long weekend" and was confused that I used those to get caught up on things - that it wasn't a reason to head for the cottage which I've never had. And for my part - there's stuff that needs to get done and there's never been anyone else to do it. Sure you can let it slide a bit but not for long.
We're finding our way. We both get frustrated. While this is somewhat unexpected, it's not unexpected. We're finding out more and more about who the other person really is. She has traits like my ex-wife did in not getting things done, having good intentions but missing the execution of the plans, leaving drawers open etc that frustrated me. I can deal with that. B jokingly went around the kitchen last night and announced that she had closed the cupboard doors. I checked and neither cat was trapped inside - this time. I am positive that there are a number of things about me that she finds similarly frustrating. I have this thing about having a clean counter, putting the toilet lids down and doing the groceries and laundry on Saturdays. 'Cuz that's the day for doing groceries and laundry.
I'm adapting, she's adapting, we're working on it.
The cats are also adapting. She almost pet one yesterday.
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Weird dream last night and I dream so vividly that it's hard to separate fact from fiction in the morning. S24 was rattling around his room last night opening and closing drawers. I had had a vivid dream that he was moving out, that his mother was there with a truck. I waved and wished him well.
Even though we do try to be quiet, I'm sure that he finds it awkward to hear the various noises on the other side of the wall. Given that the last time he lived there with his mother and I was 6 years ago now and that sort of stuff was "very" rare and when it happen it happened quietly and quickly on a Sunday morning - it's certainly something that I'm sure he's uncomfortable with. The almost every night and for a fairly long time with enthusiasm is a nice change for me I will say.
He's also having to deal with having a "stranger" in the house. No clue if his mother is encouraging his independence and his car has been parked for a few days now. I do still hope that she will get / continue to be involved in encouraging him.
Happy Dominion Day for Monday - or as some would say Happy Canada Day! Yes - he's slow to change. The name did change in 1983. Please clean, paint and cut the grass responsibly
If you are drinking and using fireworks please document the location of your eyebrows for later reference.
She has diagnosed me as having OCD,
Oh honey, I could have told you that.
Except, most likely, it's not OCD but OCPD. Having finally figured out that this is what's going on with CMM, I see the signs in you too.
What's the difference, you might ask, between Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder? People with OCD are often disturbed by it - they don't WANT to wash their hands a hundred times a day, for example, but it makes them too anxious if they don't. People with OCPD however don't have insight and think their way of doing things is just the way things should be and why doesn't everybody else do it the same way too?
Now I think in your case "disorder" is too strong a word. But you DO have your fixed ideas about how things should be and you're not very flexible about other people's ways of doing things. (CMM also hates changes to the schedule and spontaneous changes in plans. ) I've wondered too if CMM might be somewhere on the autism spectrum (he plays chess and always has a trifold brochure of some sort sticking out of his back pocket, as if he might get stuck somewhere without reading material, even though he has a cell phone!). Still, if he is, it's exceedingly mild.
None of this is necessarily bad - but they are differences that will have to be understood and negotiated around. Hopefully you can be a more flexible participant in those negotiations than CMM is. And the more you can vocalize what bothers you (do you prefer to do the dishes because you don't feel like others clean as well as you? Do you just enjoy putting things in order? ) and make clear requests (I would like to spend all day Sunday with you so please don't make any plans. Here, what would you like to do with me that day, A, B or C?)
People with OCPD however don't have insight and think their way of doing things is just the way things should be and why doesn't everybody else do it the same way too?
LOL. Waves
Thanks kml
I am likely on the spectrum somewhere. INTJ on Meyers Briggs. IQ somewhere in the 140s last time I checked.
I always get surprised by the average person's lack of ability to "focus"
B on the other hand although smart in her own way dropped out of school at 17
We both recognize this is a thing and I am blessed that she is patient with me. She and to a slightly lesser degree I try to talk about anything bothering us before it becomes a problem. It will undoubtedly always be a work in progress.
I do get embarrassed actually when B does go on about how smart I am. I've met lots of people much more capable at many different things than I am including her.
BTW - kml - thank you so much for sharing your opinions and insights. They help more than you can know.
I've redacted a long and far too detailed post. The weekend isn't turning out like I'd hoped. B is off to babysit her GK for at least a while, then is planning on going to the cottage tonight or Sunday - she's not sure and staying overnight to visit with her sisters. So I'm not sure where she will be or what she's up to on the weekend. She did say that she would be home for dinner on Monday night and cook the meal she promised last week then. We'll see.
We had a talk about trust and about people doing what they said that they'll do and how that was a big issue for me in my former marriage. She assured me that I can trust her but that things were a bit crazy for her right now. One of the reasons I push back on some of the things that she says she'll do to help is that I don't trust that they'll get done. She offered to do my laundry and the sheets and towels and was annoyed when I stopped her stripping the bed. I knew that she had to be out of here this morning and that there was no certainty about when / if she'd be back today and I need sheets to sleep on.
We also talked about her realization that the life I am used to and that I lead isn't anything like what she was used to. From being a little girl, going away on the weekend was always a thing with cottages always being available. The idea of spending a weekend puttering around at home and getting things done is foreign to her.
She's running in all sorts of directions. She still drops everything for S38 and he is her son and he does need some help with this or that. I'm annoyed that in the month and a bit that she's been here that we've only had perhaps one weekend for just us and that was at least a month ago. It is what it is. I've asked for her time. She's said yes - and then goes and does something different.
She also commented that the stairs are really giving her a problem and she's not keen on the house and doesn't know if she can hold out for the 10 years that I said that I wanted to stay here as a minimum.
Just between us, there are times that I consider throwing in the towel. Then I think of sunk costs and back away on believing that they matter. She's working hard to make this work I think. I'm working hard on it too. If it does work out - it will be very very good. But we have a lot of work to do and we both know that. And regardless no matter who I would have invited in to my life, there will be a lot of work and a lot of baggage to deal with. I'm not the sort to give up when the going gets tough and TBH - there really aren't any "heck no" indications. Just two people with different backgrounds who are both willing to give it a try. And who are willing to admit it if it doesn't work.
One thing that worries me and worried me from the beginning is that B has I would expect few options other than me if we do part ways. Sure there are other mature single men out there. Most of whom would be going for younger, better educated, more attractive women. If she moved out of this big house since she's not getting spousal support (I know - long story - her business not mine) she would move in to a rented room or very small apartment. It would be all she could afford. The cynic in me doesn't like to think that she's staying for that reason. The cynic in me also knows that well before the 3 year mark that would indicate common-law that there will be a very clear and simple agreement in place. My plan is to do that this fall which gives us a chance to think about if this will work and for some of the chaos in her life to settle down.
And - many months after she first mentioned it, she finally got me to clean up her computer for her. What a lot of crap. It was essentially unusable. I promised to not look at any nude pictures that may be on there and TBH other than checking the available disk space, I've not browsed.
Time for me to get my usually busy Saturday under way. Alone.
Well - it's not like we all didn't warn you against moving in together so soon.
But that being said - I think it might be useful to separate issues into two categories: things that are going to be an issue living with anybody, and things that are unique to B.
Conflicts that arise around using the kitchen, laundering the sheets etc. : you're going to encounter these with anyone you live with. Since she's not a slob and likes to clean, this is really about you and your love of routine and is going to come up in any relationship. This is for you to figure out.
As for the differences in how you like to spend your time: she's a social person with a wide circle of friends and family. You seem reluctant to go stay at the lake and join in the socializing. She also has demands on her time from grandkids etc. To negotiate these differences will require some clear asking for what each other wants, and some accommodation.
I encounter this with CMM. I have family living with me who all have issues going on and need my time and attention. I have a best friend of thirty years who is used to doing things with me. I have musical performances and professional obligations. I have other friendships that need maintaining.
CMM for a variety of reasons doesn't have these other social obligations. He depends on me for his social time and doesn't like sharing me with others, especially if it's a spontaneous invite. This leaves me in a very uncomfortable position where I feel like I'm struggling to meet the needs of everyone in my life who needs me. It would be much easier on me if CMM was either more social and spontaneous (as in "sure, invite your friend over for dinner tonight, I'll pick up an extra steak") OR had more of an independent social life of his own ("hey I'm going golfing with the guys, why don't you and your friend go to that movie without me")
As for the house - it's a bit presumptuous to talk about you selling the house this early in the relationship, but it's not an unusual concern to think about stairs and aging. I have a two story house but good knees and just consider it good exercise. But knee problems run in the family and it may become an issue in old age.
Why don't you volunteer to join her out at the lake this evening after you're done with your house puttering? And maybe make concrete plans for one day next weekend for the two of you?
Andrew my dear. One must crawl before one walks. Developmental stages. I feel like maybe B has jumped over a stage by moving in - you've now missed the romance piece. It's been truncated by every day life. So, now you both have to make the romance a priority. Don't know how you're gonna do that, it's for you both to decide. We're here. xoxoxo much love doll. xoxoxo
Thanks everyone. Feeling better today. I think B rates really high on the "emotional intelligence" scale - something that I'm crap with. She has an intuitive way that I'm slowly getting used to of knowing my moods. How she reacts to them isn't always helpful but we're learning.
Surprisingly she came back earlier than expected from her son's place yesterday and we did erranding together and stayed home and puttered. She made the dinner she'd promised and both S24 and I pronounced it excellent even though B wasn't satisfied with how it turned out. After dinner we watched a movie.
Today we slept in and then B headed off to the cottage after we each made our separate breakfasts. I'll stop by for an hour or so after lunch. It takes an hour to drive out there but it's a glorious sunny day. She's going to overnight there and I'm not sure when she's planning on being back on Monday. Fortunately for her, her son even though he and the boys were invited are choosing to not go. I think he's had more than enough Mom lectures for now.
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I think that no matter how long people date that the actual cohabiting is a whole different thing. I know that I expected this to be easy. It's not but it will be worth it and regardless of who is on that side of the bed it would be work. I know that now.
I'm grateful for the skills I've learned knowing the importance of communication and not letting things fester. Also also for knowing when to keep my trap shut. And knowing that it's ok for me to have boundaries.
Speaking of romance, we worked through the July budget together this morning. I think this process still confuses and somewhat bores her. She did ask about some of the numbers and I checked to see where some of the June spending went off. We had not gone out on a single date for the entire month of June. Our single dinner out was with friends. We are changing that. We also talked about the actual incremental costs that exist with her living here. It largely comes down to a bit more in utilities and a 30% increase in food. Roughly about $400/month. She still isn't in a place where she has her finances sorted out but at least we now know numbers.
I think she finds it odd that I'm so open about money. I do believe that we'll keep finances separate for the long term though and B has also mentioned some planned "her" expenses coming up in June that she'll pay and aren't part of the budget.
I think that now that her computer is fixed that she'll be getting a better handle on things. She actually asked me about spousal support calculations. Personally I think that she's going to have a hard time getting anything
I do still worry about whether she's happy here or not. I try hard to make sure she knows that I'm happy to have her here - even if I do get grumpy from time to time. I do think that she misses a lot of her former life. Living on the lake "up north" although she doesn't miss the mosquitoes or leeches. She misses her Audi that died on her. The pontoon boat that she was never allowed to drive. She misses going on cruises regularly. A lot of that lifestyle I'm learning was based on unsustainable spending from an inheritance her STBX got along with just running up credit cards and debt. Is she here because "it'll do"? I try not to worry about that.
On the other hand I treat her with respect that I don't think she ever got. We do have a comfortable life. I am pretty low maintenance I like to think and she's getting more comfortable I think with how I'm self-sufficient.
I've got some steaks out for S24 and I to have for dinner and a list of things to putter on around home - something I like doing. I'm going to have a nice soak in the tub with my digital library book, then go for a walk, have some soup with my friend at the cafe and then head out to the cottage for a bit.
Sounds good! Don't worry about if B is unhappy at not living an unsustainable lifestyle based on debt. She's seen where that got her financially. If she's not the kind of woman who can step up to the plate with managing her finances and live happily within your combined means then she's not really the one for you, is she? Give her a chance to step up to the plate.The fact that she's even willing to sit down and go over the budget with you is positive.
Going from first date, skipping the romance and going right to married couple is not easy. You guys seem to be opposites too. Making your lives work without really knowing each other must be a real challenge. You guys skipped the dating part and went to budget talks. M and I just told each other how much money we make.
What was important to you in a relationship? Were you looking to just have someone to always come home to? That’s totally cool if that’s what you wanted. But right now it almost seems like you have a roommate? Living sort of parallel lives. Its Just what I observe from what you write here, and that may not be an accurate description.
For me, I really enjoy the romance part as well as the real stuff. I love doing house projects with him as well as our nights we go out for dinner and drinks and maybe see a band or something like that. Where we take the time out to connect . It’s a balance. Spending time with the kids, then having times to our selves as a couple and our alone time too.
What do you guys enjoy doing together? That both of you enjoy? What is your common ground? Only from what I take from what you write, you guys seem to be total opposites. In the way you do things, live your lives and what you both enjoy doing in your free time. Doesn’t mean it can’t work, but what do you guys do to nurture enjoying each others hobbies?
I’m sorry, but I do have to be honest. Because I care. But from what I see, do you consider she found herself a soft place to land? I worry about. I just hope you are happy and this is what you wanted. Yes, everything is work, of course, but sometimes I still sit here and wonder why you skipped over some very important parts of a relationship.
What do you guys enjoy doing together? That both of you enjoy? What is your common ground? Only from what I take from what you write, you guys seem to be total opposites. In the way you do things, live your lives and what you both enjoy doing in your free time. Doesn’t mean it can’t work, but what do you guys do to nurture enjoying each others hobbies?
I’m sorry, but I do have to be honest. Because I care. But from what I see, do you consider she found herself a soft place to land? I worry about. I just hope you are happy and this is what you wanted. Yes, everything is work, of course, but sometimes I still sit here and wonder why you skipped over some very important parts of a relationship.
Thanks Ginger. I appreciate your honest questioning.
If I can be cynical for a moment which may seem unkind, the reality was that B's lease was up and she could have either moved in to a small apartment / shared accommodation or in here. It certainly seemed like a logical choice to us for her to move in here. It wasn't so much about me rescuing her as it was eyes wide open taking a chance that this will work. Again, being cyncial, there are a lot of practical things that I bring. Big house, full fridge, bank account with black numbers in it and not red. I'm low maintenance and easy-going about most things. Even though as kml points out I do have some OCPD issues they are more about me being a creature of routine or as I would say, boring and predictable. Certainly a comfortable place for a middle-aged woman who while I find her beautiful is of average looks and very modest means to end up in I would think. You know as well if not better than most how thin on the ground regular decent guys are especially once you get up over 40 much less B's 56 I joke from time to time that the rider may have fallen off but this old horse still knows how to trot on command. Again - being completely honest and a bit cynical here. This certainly isn't like it was with my ex where we were madly in love and she took over my life literally from our first date. And that lasted almost 30 years and tbh was all things considered a reasonably decent marriage over-all.
When I started seriously looking for someone to share my life back in February I was looking for someone very like B. Someone who is mature, has their life together, is self supporting and who is a basically kind person. Interests in obscure late medieval history, documentaries, theatre, international politics and economics was optional.
While I'm confident that I had a fairly broad set of choices for partners aged from 35 to 65, I think that B had few choices as her tales of her dating experiences illustrate. We both also have the choices of continuing on alone. Something that I was seriously considering and if things don't work out with B, I would probably consider that again.
You are right - we don't have a huge amount in common. Unlike others like CL for example who on paper is a fabulous match with similar education, interests etc. And if I would have spent more time in the dating pool I may well have found someone or even hooked up again with CL who seems to be through a lot of the drama of her divorce.
What I love about B is her kind heart. She is a passionate person who makes me joyful to be around her.
You are exactly right - with the speed that things happened, we didn't get a lot of chance to get comfortable and to learn a lot about each other. On the other hand, we're both in our mid 50s and recognize that life can take twists without warning. We also know that we have separate interests which is why this weekend she's at her cottage with family while I'm puttering around the house being domestic. Both of us doing things we enjoy. And then we share the joy of our separate experiences when we are together. We intersect on our caring for our separate families, our love of peace and comfort, cooking, shopping. It was a choice we both made to take a chance that this will work for us.
So - B is off for the weekend with her extended family at the cottage and tanning on the beach there. Doing what she loves. And I'm fixing the front steps, gardening, cooking, cleaning, reading and writing. Doing what I love.
Part of what I hope will make this work is also one of the things I did when I was married. Regularly questioning if I was doing all I could to be sure that my partner was happy. This time though I won't be hiding my light under a basket. And that's why I still come here to explore those questions. Am I doing what is right for ME as well as what is right for B. So far the answer continues to be yes.
Shared interests can be overrated at our age. While it can be nice to have someone with shared tastes in music and movies and books, it doesn't go as far as someone who is kind and good in bed.
so In your 50’s kindness and good sex makes a relationship?
Hmmmm. If it doesn’t work out with M, I’m just going to wait until my 50’s.
LMAO. ok from Ellie's lips to cupid's arrow, lol
it doesn't go as far as someone who is kind and good in bed.
Have you been peeking in my window at night?
Without going in to details - oh my heavens - I had no idea
Happy Wednesday from sunny and hot Upper Middle Lower Kanukistan! We're getting some proper summer weather for the last few days. Makes living in this house without air conditioning a bit tough but we have lots of fans. Fortunately B doesn't like air conditioning. She says that it makes her allergies act up. S24 hasn't put his window unit in yet which involves a long climb up a rickety ladder.
So - I'd been worried that B wasn't really happy and perhaps struggling a bit and since I'm as subtle as a sack of hammers and nearly as bright, I just made sure to tell her very sincerely how happy I am that she's here. I also apologized for being a bit grumpy lately due to issues at work and also just getting used to having someone here. We talked. It should be all good. She of course minimized my being grumpy but I think that the apology went a long way. My working harder on being positive will probably help more.
We are also finding our way around the kitchen together. Neither of us are used to help but it was smooth last night.
On a "that's wierd" note - I stumbled across some pictures of my now ex and OM from early 2017 that were the accidental "big reveal" when friends tagged them on holiday in Roatan. B had been curious about what they looked like so I showed her a couple of days ago. Fortunately seeing those pictures barely hurts any more. It is what it is. B had an interesting comment. Looking at the body language, while they are "together" they also aren't. No touching, a photo with another couple where the other couple had their arms around each other, they didn't and were standing some feet apart. Similar in other pictures. I've always believed that OM controlled that relationship and ex-w accepted whatever crumbs she got which is odd because she was very controlling in our relationship. She was also very physically affectionate outside of sex which she had no interest in other than to tease me in circumstances where she couldn't deliver.
I recall the time I saw them together shortly after she moved out I believe in August 2016, walking outside the house she was renting here in the village. Again - they were walking "together" across the lawn but several feet apart. And this was a woman who would be upset with me if I wasn't holding her hand and we were rarely an arms length apart.
As far as I know they are still an item after all these years although I don't believe that they cohabitat. Not my issue but I do feel sorry for her in that the dreams I had expected her to be chasing bear no resemblance to the life she seems to lead. She's also not seeming to be helping S24 with his driving or seeing him much. When I was talking to him about taking his driving test he was thinking that he would need to do it on a day when either I or B are around.
I really can't do anything about the relationship between her and the kids. I neither enable nor inhibit. When D27 comes up at Thanksgiving it may be a bit awkward and some negotiating may need to be done.
If we want to measure her against the MLC script I honestly couldn't say what stage she is in. Perhaps withdrawal? If so, she's been there for probably over a year. The fact that she was able to actually drive in the lane with S24 and the input from the people at the car dealership might indicate that she's over the rage that she certainly had towards the end of the divorce process. I don't wish her any ill will even though undoubtedly I will always have that core bit of anger towards her. Even if B and I were to not work out, I can't imagine starting a fresh relationship with her though. I'd be happier and better off alone.
B's S38 has landed himself a part-time job at the grocery store around the corner from where he lives so is "of course" counting on his mother to baby-sit for now until he can get care organized. B has put him on a waiting list for subsidized care. So that means that for the next couple of weeks she's going to be losing time at work and looking after GS3/GS4. I suggested that this afternoon since she'll have them for 6 or 7 hours that she brings them here where they can roam around the big back yard, watch TV etc. I won't have much to do with them as my home office has a door that closes. After we're going out for dinner probably on a patio somewhere. This is hugely positive news that he's putting down roots and getting more independent. For complex reasons that are none of anyone else's business he's a bit upset with his mother presently but still relies on her.
July is hoped to be a month where we can finally start settling down a bit and get in to a routine.
B's birthday is at the start of September and I'm trying to plan things out. Her birthday was never celebrated by her STBX in all the years they were together. I'll organize a cake and perhaps reach out to her kids to see if they have plans or at least will call in. I used to do that for my ex and it was always fun - except for the last year we were together when she had to first tell OM to not call. I like buying jewelry and am trying to learn her tastes. A big feature are dark blue sapphire rings in unusual settings. She also likes big hoop earrings. Buying a ring this year is probably a no - but a nice box for her to store and display in replacing the cardboard boxes which although pretty don't do her collection justice may be the way to go. Thoughtful and modest. I took some pictures of her jewelry and will probably stop by the jeweler I usually use to see what they might think. I also snuck out a ring and test sized it on my pinkie finger to know what size she wears.
Well - back to the sulphur pits for me.
Gout it seems is a pain.
My left foot started hurting some days ago and got rather bad on Thursday night. B immediately diagnosed gout when I mentioned it on Thursday and while it is possible that I hurt my big toe in other ways the odds are that she's right. I was able to go for my walk on Wednesday and over the course of the walk it felt better.
The cause according to B is "obviously" the 12 pack of beer I drink / week and not the utter exhaustion, stress, lack of regular exercise and extra weight that have also been issues I'm working with. Her dad who was a very unhealthy and heavy man but lived until he was in his late 80s drank and ate too much, had gout and like I found with my ex at the beginning of our relationship, all the sins of the fathers etc etc etc. I do find that her being an "all-knowing" Mom is a bit of a challenge, especially when she's right. She's quite aggressive in her "do this - don't do that" and just dodges when I push back.
It's feeling slightly better now but I'm still limping. Since it's my left foot the 2 1/2 hour drive to work was a bit of a challenge when using the clutch. I did promise to go see the doctor if it's not better in a week but from my reading there's not a lot they can do for short term results. For long term results, it's the same as everything else. Make healthy food, drink and exercise choices. I have started going for my walks again mid-week and on the weekend starting last weekend even though B has no interest. I'd also stopped eating apples for the last few weeks switching to pears but the pears were in sad shape and it turns out that apples help prevent gout at least according to what I've read so apples are back on the grocery list.
This is the first time that I've had gout although I had plantar fasciitis in the same foot about 4 years ago. Hopefully with some basic healthy changes that I should be making anyway it will take care of itself. I had hoped that it was an injury related to new shoes or long walks after a month or more of little walking. The symptoms do match up though.
We've also talked about my getting more sleep. I've always managed to get 7 1/2 - 8+ hours / night for many years, especially when I was alone. Now we go to bed later than I am used to, get occupied, wake up in the middle of the night for a cuddle and then B's alarm goes off at 4:00. Earlier to bed is on the agenda and some more focus on sleeping in on the weekends. This is going to be a challenge as B wants me to sit with her in the evenings more than I currently do. She'd like me to stay up later than I do but while she can nap in the afternoons at times, it's not an option for me.
For her, she's been having bad back pain which is pointed towards the bed. It's a pillow-top about 10 years old. I sleep fine on it. She didn't have an issue with the bed in her old apartment which her son now uses so we've found out the make and model and will be getting a new one, which has been needed for a couple of years anyway. She of course has stalled the process - "don't worry about me" where I'm the "see a problem - fix a problem" sort. It will also be nice to get rid of the marital bed. The sheets were all replaced in the natural course of things after my ex moved out.
Ah - the joys of getting older and forming new relationships.
Going to be a busy weekend and I'm bored at work hence posting today. I have to delicately suggest to B that even though she has taken over cleaning the bathrooms that her methods aren't effective against the soap scum and that I'll do my usual scrubbing this weekend as it is the "first weekend of the month cleaning weekend". Which I, oddly to some perhaps enjoy doing.
We will also be getting a new mattress this weekend. B is off with a couple of grandkids this afternoon to the cottage where it is hoped to be cooler and will check the mattress store near there which is where her old one was purchased. If the price is decent we'll get it there, otherwise we'll check out a discount place in the other direction which carries the same line.
I was pleased that B sent me some money to help cover the bills this morning. She's going to do that each paycheque. She knows that the amount she's sending doesn't quite cover the costs but she still has to figure out where she is financially. She's not asked for help and I don't intrude but I do think she's getting a better handle on things. S38 issues continue and she's distancing herself from some of them a bit although she's still taking the GK for him regularly as he now has a job but no confirmed sitter. They had a blast in the kiddy pool in the back yard yesterday followed by ice-cream from the shop across the street. B said that she's keeping a closer eye on the youngest who has a destructive tendency especially around the 130 year old etched glass doors.
Well - enough for now. I'm having lunch with a friend and will see about getting out early. It's a hot and sunny day here. Too nice to be staring at numbers and graphs.
Some advice about gout:
The uric acid crystals that cause gout are the product of breakdown of protein. It was known as a "Rich man's disease" in the past because poor people couldn't afford high protein diets.
Standard treatment of an acute gout attack is usually a strong anti-inflammatory drug called indomethacin. This is usually pretty effective. If you're not going to see a doctor you can try ibuprofen.
Tart cherry juice may also be helpful.
Hmmm - B has been switching me over to a high protein / low carb diet. There seems to be some documentation on a link between that and an initial attack of gout. However reading a bit more it indicates that once the body adjusts that uric acid levels actually decrease. Can't really trust Dr Google although I find it a good place to start.
She did also push for cherry juice.
Despite her lack of formal education and average literary skills, when something is important to her B becomes quite the scholar. It annoys her to no end but she won't let it stand in the way of doing what she can to fill what she sees as her role in life.
The standard advice seems to be
- minimize intake of sugar - I have very few sweets although did have more a while ago when B was in her "let's eat pie every day" phase.
- reduce intake of alcohol - certainly wise for all sorts of reasons
- lose excess weight - certainly a positive goal
It sounds like the only thing that an MD would be able to provide is some pain management and whacking me with the same advice I should be following anyway. No quick fixes.
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As a side note, one thing I worry about is what I saw in my ex and also in B where they expect to fit you in to a mold of a former partner or parent. A recent battle was B unbuttoning my golf shirts to show off an expanse of chest hair which she thinks would be well decorated with a gold chain and me buttoning back up and refusing to wear such a thing
I saw a picture of B's STBX and he dresses like that although rather sloppily.
It makes me wonder if OM has figured out how to tie a bow tie
did you ask B to switch you over to a high protein, low carb diet?
did you ask B to switch you over to a high protein, low carb diet?
It largely matches the way that I want to eat to lose the weight I gained back over the past year and a bit. She'd serve me pie and mashed potatoes every night if I asked.
It's not a very extreme version and we do have a tendency to cheat. The main thing is to be mindful of everything we put in our bodies.
I've cut out probably 4 or 6 slices of bread / week, a couple of flat breads, hummus, a fair amount of potatoes. I've added in more fresh vegetables (steamed), almonds and a home cooked supper 2 more nights of the week that usually is a protein like a pork chop and steamed vegetables - although she did make mashed potatoes on Tuesday which it is impossible for me to say no to. With reluctance I did compost the left-overs rather than turning them in to potato pancakes. Fresh vegetables are also replacing the flash frozen ones I used to eat to avoid spoilage. The almonds offset the potassium I lose by not eating the skin-on potatoes and also make a fairly filling snack.
Still to do is to cut out 4 or 6 cans of beer, the couple of bagels / week I'll pick up at the drive-through if I'm dragging, add some more fiber and get my exercise consistently back to a minimum of 2 hours of brisk walking / week in addition to the couple of hours each weekend it takes me to cut the grass. The pain in my feet might make that problematic in the short term but unless I buy a goat the grass won't cut itself.
One key issue to solve is sleep. I think everything revolves around that. I will substitute carbs for sleep which works but isn't healthy. That's how I ended up on 4 sets of blood pressure pills years ago. A good sleep will also refresh me, reduce my stress levels and help me mentally. Sleeping alone for 3 years did me no end of good. B not sleeping well in the current bed is disturbing my own sleep so the new mattress will hopefully help us both.
It's funny - my ex, especially during the last couple of years would toss and turn so much that I would joke that she was actually revolving. B doesn't toss and turn as much but does shift position fairly often.
When I was alone, I would get in to bed, put on my CPAP mask laying on my back and essentially not move a muscle for 8+ hours. Even my arms which would be crossed on my chest wouldn't move. Probably creepy to see. But it used to take me 10 seconds to make the bed. It's a much more complex problem now - for lots of reasons some of which are very very positive
.
Improving your health is always a good thing. If you were extremely changing your diet to high protein low carb, I would tell you to consult your doctor first.
But you are still pretty high carb, lol. You’ll get there. You seem to have good goals.
And it turns out flash frozen vegetables are just as nutritious as fresh. Fresh might just taste better.
Get healthy, absolutely’ but don’t go fitting into anyone else’s mold. You are Andrew, and not with the big gold chains. You are Andrew with the bow ties.
A pretty good weekend. My gout has mellowed out and although I still have some inflammation it's not affecting me. The ibuprophen helped a fair amount to get me through the worst of it. If nothing else, this certainly helps inspire me to improve my diet.
A couple of interesting things happened I think. There was a much longer post that I've since attempted to trim back to the more relevant info. I've not been keeping too much of a diary outside here lately and much of what I wrote is just random stuff and recipes.
S24 and I did errands together Saturday morning and he got some driving practice. I was surprised to see in his glove-box that the car is actually in his mother's name and not his. Motivation for her to nudge him I hope.
B despite having to babysit GS3/4 did both our our laundry on Saturday which I appreciated. She also made us breakfast on Sunday and was rather proud of herself.
I did cause her a bit of an awkward moment because she was talking about a possible upcoming family event and how she wasn't sure if spouses would be invited or not. I joked that (STBX name) might find that uncomfortable which got me a stink eye while I laughed.
We were able to spend the day together on Sunday and I was surprised when leaving brunch she made some joking references to my performance as a husband. Later that night I mentioned to her that I was pleased at that reference as it reassured me that she was also treating this as something long-term. Which I was worried about. Was this prompted by my joke about her still having a spouse who isn't me? I don't know.
On Sunday evening, rather to my surprise, B and S24 hung out together in the living room talking and laughing about how I can be a bit of a challenge at times while I snuck out and made us Sunday supper. It's good that they are getting along so well. B, like I, worry that he spends far too much time alone in his room. S24 had just helped us bring in and set up a new rug and mattress and they were relaxing after a job well done.
B and I did chat a fair bit over the weekend. I got some more of her back-story how her STBX had ED which ended their sex life and was used against her as an excuse for him to cheat. She laughed saying that as far as she knew he still had those problems no matter who he was with. Having read about cheating spouses with ED here and elsewhere, it does make me wonder how common that may be. We also mused a bit on if our former partners feel rather stupid as neither of them have gotten the dreams that they were chasing after. I personally think that my own ex probably feels a bit hard done by. We also talked about future plans and shared our own visions of what that future might look like. The visions aren't the same but they are compatible.
Ah well - enough for now.
I was surprised to see in his glove-box that the car is actually in his mother's name and not his.
I cosigned a car lease for my son and they insisted on putting me on the registration as I'm the financially responsible party (he had no credit).
The changes continue.
B was having a lot of back pain in our bed so we found out what the model of bed was that she had been sleeping on in her apartment and went out and got a similar one from the same manufacturer on Sunday. She's now sleeping a lot better and her humour which was good has improved. My own sleep hasn't been as good but I'll get used to this mattress. I had the old one for almost 10 years and not only was it time to get rid of it because of that, the whole "ex-wife cooties" thing, while it was never mentioned may well have been a thing. We got it from a factory outlet place and so the price was very decent. We also picked up a new rug for the living room for cheap that a carpet place happened to have that was almost exactly the right size and made out of a remnant of an install they had done of a high end carpet.
The old mattress was a pillow top and this one is quite firm and just a regular top. It's similar to mattresses I've had good sleeps on in hotels.
S38 drama continues. I stay out of it and provide an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. B has gone all "Italian Mom" on him a few times in recent days and it has hopefully stuck. Her strong opinions about how he should be living his life have certainly been spoken. I did laugh / correct B slightly when she was complaining about his on again / off again girlfriend and how she wasn't doing her proper duty and keeping the apartment clean for him. It's not "woman's work" - the conflicts are sorting out here and I'm letting go of some things but not the ones I enjoy.
The cottage that B loves and goes to all the time probably will be sold sometime in the next year or two. We talked while we were out on the weekend about perhaps getting a camper trailer of some sort and putting it on a lot. The other day though I saw one of those little tear-drop trailers which I've always thought was cute and passed it on to B with a ???. I think she's keen on that idea but probably prefers of a more permanent camp-site / cottage. We'll explore this. I'm historically not a camper while she is. But this is something that has been on my radar for decades but for whatever reason my ex and I never acted on it. The budget is also a thing that has to be taken into consideration.
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We were sitting yesterday evening and I made a joke as I often have since my ex left on how I was "unsupervised". B immediately corrected me. I do think that she is growing in to this relationship as I hope that I am as well. When we were doing the dishes last night I joked that this must be very different for her which got me a "you have no idea" eye-roll. She's told me about her routine before and it was going and caring for everyone else from early morning to late at night with no rest.
The big news now. Da - da - da -da -daaaa!
I was cleaning out my email yesterday and stumbled across the fact that the multi-national that bought the industrial chemicals business is looking to hire for a role very like mine. I know from friends on "the inside" that two of their senior people are retiring in the next short while.
I asked those friends for opinions and then talked to B and S24 about it last night. B was "of course I'll do whatever it takes to support you".
It would mean more traveling going back more or less to where I was about a year or so ago so nothing that I'm not used to. It would also mean adding on some new skills which even at my age is a good thing. I do know from my friends that the place is rather messed up and a lot of people are under a lot of pressure and are upset. Oddly, that is a positive for me as I hate being bored. The negative is that as a much larger organization I'll be more constrained on what I can do. Or so I believe.
The money may well be better. I got my annual raise a couple of days ago and again it's just a bit below the cost of living. The benefits are decent.
After sleeping on it, I applied via LinkedIn which sent my profile over to the relevant robots. I also let my friends know that I've applied, one of whom I used to refer to as my "work daughter" who I mentored for some time. She's done very well there and has a very good profile and asked if she could take my resume directly to the director of the division involved. Someone she knows well, who knows me from the integration project and who I have had a good relationship with.
We'll see where it goes. On the surface this should be a slam-dunk. Finding someone with my experience in our industry is fairly rare. On the other hand there are many a slip betwixt the lip and cup. They might have specific technical requirements that I don't have on paper. I don't think they would worry too much about poaching someone from us as there has been movement in the other direction already.
Anyhoo - it's a glorious sunny day here. I pulled some pork chops out for dinner. I'm going to do my ironing today switching my schedule around to make more weekend time.
A couple of more weeks and it will be exactly 3 years since my ex-wife walked out the door taking much of the furniture. There's been a lot of healing and growing since then. As one of my dear friends has told me many times - God has been very kind to me.
If you're not sleeping as well on the firm matters consider trying a memory foam topper for just your half?
As for B's traditional values - just bear in mind, often what comes with that are very traditional ideas that a man will "rescue" you and an expectation of being taken care of financially by a man. So it may require some patience when trying to get her to sort her finances and become fiscally responsible. It's a weird phenomenon but I know many women who never really got their act together financially because in the back of their mind, they were expecting/waiting for "daddy" to take care of things. (I never felt this way and in fact always managed the finances in my marriage.)
Thanks kml. I'm sleeping better each consecutive night. The over-all adjusting to a new sleep partner is also happening.
I'm only a bit worried about B's need to be rescued. From what I gather - or at least on her side of the story - she did pretty much all the adulting in her former marriage including finances, making appointments etc etc. She was very much as is called on another site, a "wife appliance". She was often over-ruled when he would make impulse purchases of toys like fancy cars and boats. But she paid the bills and more or less kept track of things. Still does to an extent for him and probably will until the house sells in a year or so and they finalize the settlement.
Her financial literacy isn't strong but she knows the basic concepts of budgeting and saving for a rainy day which is tough on her with a minimum wage income. Fortunately the husband of her best friend is a financial planner and a very competent one so I don't expect her to make many poor choices.
Not much going on but the weekend will be busy so here goes.
Sleep continues to be an issue. I have a CPAP machine and the numbers on it are a "lot" higher with the new mattress than with the old (high teens for AHI vs 1 or lower). It's also been pretty hot (for us) and I've been sweating a lot. I've bumped the pressure on the machine up a tad - not to where it used to be when I was heavy - and we'll see. Is it related to the mattress, the heat, the stress I'm having in other parts of my life? Dunno. Looking at the data that the machine provides me, I can find no correlation between the apnea episodes and any leaks or snore. They seem to happen mostly after I am asleep for a couple of hours so presumably in a fairly deep sleep.
I actually feel rather rested in the mornings but do drag as the day goes on. And that leads to poor choices like refueling with carbs. The giant cookies in the cafe across my building are quite tasty but best avoided.
At least my gout is pretty much gone. A bit of redness, no discomfort. I need to focus on not having it recur. I've "got" to figure out how to get my walking back in to my routine along with improving my diet. Reduced weight, better food and improved circulation are all good things.
Work is frustrating, my boss is annoying and I haven't heard from the company that I applied to. B wishes me "good luck" in the morning but I'm figuring that it will be at least some time next week before they reach out to me - if they do. I honestly don't know if they will reach out. I do have a few people on "the inside" who are pushing for me. B herself is considering changing jobs for more money but is uncertain. She's got a pretty good deal where she is. No weekends (usually) and flexible hours.
We're going away to the cottage this weekend for my first overnight there. It's a big deal for B. She's working in the morning and babysitting GS3/4 until mid-afternoon Saturday. There's an art show that I wanted to go to with her but I'll go alone in the morning. Hopefully I can pick up a nice piece. I don't need much but these amateur shows often have pieces that amaze. B says she'll do the laundry (she folds my socks different than I am used to
) and I'll do the running around and groceries and such. I may get a walk in too before we leave.
I'm not sure when we'll get home on Sunday. B has suggested that we skip doing a formal Sunday supper. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
It's a known fact that B will only have this cottage on shared family land for another couple of years at most. We've been talking about options. Her kids have suggested that they all go in together and get a new cottage. I've suggested that we explore options with trailers from the cute little teardrops that we could pull behind the car to larger ones that we would have to rent a seasonal site for. It in large part comes down to budget. Even though when the cottage goes up for sale, B will have some disposable cash, that might not be the best use for it. Her choice though. If it were just up to me, a small teardrop or rentals would be the way to go. Or, just hanging out in our very nice back yard. Compromises will undoubtedly need to be made, especially by me. B has already compromised a fair bit I think as she was accustomed to a lifestyle where "every" weekend is go away and go to the cottage / camping. At least when her kids were younger.
B has good intentions on making my life easier and less busy on weekends. Thus far it has had the opposite effect and she hasn't been able to deliver on many of the things she initially said she'd help with mainly due to other demands on her time, especially from S38 and his kids who have been accustomed to having "Nona" around all the time doing for them.
I laughed yesterday. B texted me to let me know that the land-line had run and that there was a message for S24 and she wanted to know if she should tap on his door. Instead I texted him from the city. When I got home everyone agreed that everyone having each other's phone numbers was a good thing. The message was from a new food truck around the corner that was looking for some help. Possibly S24 will take her up on it - don't know. It would do him good though. Getting his license and a "real job" would be even better which everyone acknowledges.
I do think that B has developed a small paranoia about my ex. There was a vehicle parked for quite a while across the street and she thought it was my ex. I assured her that it wasn't. There's no indication that S24's mother has taken an increased interest in him beyond the last car practice some time ago. A (far too large) part of me wonders what she's up to, if she's doing well but most of me knows that it's best to know or care. Even SIL1 has been quiet on that front. I need to send her her monthly support payment tomorrow morning while I'm working on my books. One more down and one step closer to being done.
I do wish that S24's mother was more involved with him. But it is what it is. I think that in many ways we both were not as engaged of parents as we could have been as both kids grew up. Thinking of S24 and of D27, they both are fairly independent people but who when push comes to shove are willing to reach out to their parents for help.
A funny vignette. S24 has actually been mentioning his mother in conversation with B even when I'm around. With D27 moving from Norfolk to San Diego in a month or so he mentioned that his mother had, like me, volunteered to be co-pilot which D27 declined saying that 2 might set out, but only 1 would arrive.
I've been having weird dreams lately. My ex and B often get mixed up in them and I get confused as to who I will be waking up next to. Undoubtedly perfectly normal as things get worked through. Home life though is generally harmonious and occasionally awkward as the three of us work around each other.
With stress, changing my routines, changing my diet, and not getting out for my walks, I've actually put on 3 lbs in the past week. I need to do something about that.
About your sleep - sleep apnea is worst when you sleep on your back. If this mattress if firmer, it might not be as comfortable on your side so you may be rolling onto your back more in your sleep.
Thanks kml. I'm normally a back sleeper but you raise a good point. My posture is undoubtedly different even on my back. I bumped the pressure up and my numbers went back close to where they should be. Hopefully over time I can decrease it. B has I think come on board with the fact that I need to make more time for regular moderate exercise and that will help too.
Had a bit of an epiphany this morning. B was going on about how big the house is and how hard it is to clean. I reminded her that I had done it completely on my own for years and that I liked cleaning. That got me a big hug and a comment - which may or may not be true - that she also likes the house.
But we got talking just as she was leaving for work. What I love most about this house is that it is filled with memories. A toddler S24 taking each and every article of clothes out of his drawers and trying them on. A little girl D27 standing on a chair at the counter proudly "cooking" by mixing up some Hershey's kisses into an amazing mess. Laying cuddled up with their mother and realizing and telling each other "these
are the good old days". I didn't mention the last story. There are literally hundreds of other stories. Vignettes of a life well lived.
My ex was moved a lot before we met - usually done by an arbitrary decision by her dad. She then spent half her life under this roof and loved the stability and peace that it represented. B's first husband was a house-flipper so she was constantly looking for establishing curb appeal and moved regularly. Husband #2 stayed in one spot for about 1/2 their marriage but then moved her to the back of beyond which she both loved and hated and does miss quite a bit. She does call it "my house" a lot less often these days.
I wrote some time ago about Sunday Supper being a "place". My family has been in this area for almost 200 years. Refugees after a fashion from a failed colony of Scots in Venezuela. The original family farm is now in the hands of one of my first cousins. I can walk down the street of pretty much any town or village around and be pretty sure that I will see at least one relative even if I don't know them personally.
There will come a time when I have to leave this place. Personally, I hope that it is some time in the future. I do know that relationships require compromise. I do think that B is learning what this place means to me. It wasn't my idea to buy this house originally - I was talked in to it by a naked woman who knew where my levers were
After she left I clung to this place as a source of stability in a world gone mad. Leaving the nest will be hard.
One thing I like about diarizing here is that it give me a place to pull out my entrails and give them a good hard look. I have learned so
much about myself over the last 3 years. And as Martha Stewart would say - and that's a good thing.
Well - time to send my ex-wife her money for the month. Payment 21 of 77. Where has the time gone. It seems like yesterday sometimes that the "good old days" were happening. The sheets are just about done in the washing machine and that load will fill the big double clothes lines we have. B is working for a few hours then babysitting GS3/4, possibly here then mid-afternoon we're off to the cottage.
In sha allah. God has been
very kind to me.
Well A look on the bright side I am just sending payment 14 of 109!!
Good Morning Andrew
Best of luck with the job application. Deciding to apply is a great step forward. I like how you think - learning is good at any age.
Just reading along, no real suggestions.
Wait! I got one!
Before going all in with a trailer or motor home - rent one for a trip. It is money well spent. You will learn layouts and designs you prefer, before the large outlay of cash. You could find out that what looked great in the showroom is horrible to live out of. Try before you buy.
If I am ever in the market for a jet plane, I’m going to do that. Lol. Or submarine. Especially a submarine!
What the heck is in my coffee this morning? Ha ha.
Take care my friend.
DnJ
A bit to process from the weekend. I trimmed this back a bit as I was unnecessarially going on again about food (B prefers pancakes from a box).
This past weekend was pretty much the only weekend that B and I would have to head to the cottage for me to do my first overnight there. There are firm or vague plans that she has going through in to mid-August.
Since she had to babysit GS3/4 on Saturday for a few hours our plan was that I would go to the art show I wanted to see by myself, do the groceries and running around then we would leave around 3:00.
Getting home it turned out plans changed. GS3/4 needed to be babysat the next morning too so rather than change plans, they came with us meaning that our alone time became supervising kid time / getting up multiple times through the night etc.
On Sunday morning B asked me to watch the kids while she tidied up. After a couple of hours (she fit in other things) she came out and I said that I would go for a walk - which I took a nice long one for a couple of hours - got rather sunburned and did a lot of thinking.
The key thing that has been bothering me is that I can't help the feeling that my good nature is being taken advantage of. I'm cutting B a lot of leeway. This is a lot more different for her than it is for me and she does have a lot going on. Not that she's taking much advantage other than the roof over her head, additional grocery budget and help with child-care. There is some reciprocity going on with her cooking and doing laundry and starting to toss a few bucks in to the budget. And of course being loving.
It was also one of the key things that bothered me in my former marriage. I was an "appliance". Useful to fix a door, bring home a cheque, make pancakes from scratch and could be counted on to be there waiting when needed. Otherwise ignored.
On my walk I did really think hard though. My single life was pretty darned comfortable but "flat". Is this indeed worth the effort that it's currently taking and will take? Am I willing to accommodate the conflicting priorities? This stuff is tough.
After my walk B was very happy to see me - her mother said they were about to send out the OPP to find me. And yeah - she's worth the effort. But I will continue to need to be mindful. When we got home, B worked hard to make me feel appreciated I think. I didn't complain, but it was pretty obvious that I didn't have a good weekend. Even without the GK around I don't know if the whole "cottaging" thing is for me.
One thing that came up though is that one of her sisters has a very similar circumstance where her H will show up, not stay but then go off and keep himself busy doing the things he loves while she does what she loves. A big difference I think is that both of us were "farm boys" to whom the idea of sitting still is difficult where B's family grew up on that property and were used to having the beach right there and chilling out and relaxing.
I think B is looking at her sister's successful marriage and what made it work as perhaps a model for us going forward.
One thing that I fear is losing the "me" that I found over the last 3 years. I quite like the guy. I've been finding that I'm minimizing my own wants and needs. Heck - even my sock drawer is being changed around - still processing that. B has not been asking me to do any of this, but to find room for her, I have to shift things around. Ginger - if you are reading this, this might in part be the opposite side of your own story.
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On the drive home B shared a bit more of her back story. It seems that her STBX's first affair was waaay back 7 years ago. It lasted a few months I believe and they made an attempt at reconciliation but the seeds were sown for a lack of intimacy, trust and respect. They went off on cruises, he bought B some expensive jewelry etc but a few years later he did it again. B gave up then which would have been about 2 years ago now but really there wasn't much of a marriage for a long time before that. A few things now make more sense.
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After we dropped the GK off mid-afternoon, we went for a short drive, had dinner out and then got home where I was able to get the flower beds weeded (been 2 weeks), scrubbed the cat boxes (should have been done last week), made my lunch and tidied up the kitchen. B helped dry the dishes. I think she's enjoying the fact that I'm so self sufficient while at the same time baffled that while she can sit and play Candy Crush, that I don't sit too. She said that her best friend had remarked to her on how she's changed from being the take charge / get everything organized and planned gal to much more laissez faire.
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Well - I got the automated text that my ex has cashed her e-transfer which for some reason she always waits until the due date to do even though I always send it early. The sun is shining on the tops on the cars in the rail-yard. I still haven't heard from the company I applied to - perhaps this week. I've let this entry compost more than enough - time to hit post.
PS - waves to DnJ - hope you had a good trip.
"It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty,"
Steamy and sticky here in Lower Middle Upper Kanukistan where I'm working from my home office.
Time for my Wednesday update for all you Bruce's out there.
There actually have been things going on. B and I are settling down I think. Bumps are to be expected especially with two mature people who have their own particular ways of doing things. B was late getting home last night and had texted me to let me know that and that she would make dinner for us when she got home. I think she was surprised when she got home around 7:00 that I already had it made and pretty much ready to put on the table. I don't think she was 100% fond of the fact that I added hot sauce - but that's the way I cook. She texted this morning thanking me for making part of her lunch. I think she's slowly getting used to having someone who does for her. She's so used to being the only one who gets stuff done I think.
I think B is getting as she would call it "leveled". She has a trip "up north" next weekend I believe to help her STBX sort out some issues with the property and there's a moderate chance that his OW will be there but it doesn't seem to be a cause of concern for her. On the other hand, realizing now that she's 7 years out from her own bomb-day changes things a bit I think. This might be the last trip she has to make up there. I don't know. I am pretty sure that he regrets the fact that she left but not his affairs.
S38 is settling in to his part-time job and has secured some child-care. The first time went well with him coming home to see both kids and the sitter down for naps after she spent the day with them at the park. I believe all the legal stuff will be sorted out finally in the next week or so regarding custody.
My own S24 is trying to get his driving test scheduled. He was talking to me about it last night and how his big challenge is getting someone to go along with him. He's going to ask B I believe. It's weird - to me - how he doesn't seem to count on his mother for anything. But then again, she has a history of not being reliable for anything and presumably that hasn't changed.
One thing that I find interesting is how willing people are to take things that are free. The old carpet out of the living room - which smelled of dog when it got wet and probably had enough cat hair in it to build three new ones was barely put out at the curb when someone had it loaded in to their truck.
I posted the old mattress online for free and there have been 3 or 4 people who have expressed serious interest. Mostly young couples. I did mention that it was "lightly used" which is sort of an ex-wife joke. I expect it to be picked up today by someone. They can get use of it and it's out of my house. Win win as far as I'm concerned. One person asked me if the price was negotiable so I offered to throw in a spare cat. I probably would get in to trouble from S24 (but not B) for that
SIL1 messaged me the other day that my ex is posting things online for sale. First some "collector" beer mugs for probably what they cost originally and then an ugly couch. Pick up in OM's city. My assumption is that she's moving in at long last and both making room for the stuff she took from here and purging things she doesn't like. Which may or may not include anything from his deceased first wife.
I must admit that I feel some relief and am somewhat happy for her that she is getting some results for what are in my opinion rather large sacrifices that she made. Assuming that this is the case I do have my doubts though that it will work out or last. She's a difficult person to live with given the combination of anger and hoarding tendencies. I walked on eggshells around her for our entire marriage. As I certainly well know, cohabitation is very very different from dating and overnights. Having B tell me that she's a great cook and then serving me burned sausages and pancakes out of a box is certainly not living up to the advertising
If they can make it 6 months though it will probably last.
My black currants are now ripe. I'm pretty excited about it and will be spending my lunch today picking. B tried one raw and didn't care for it. I have rhubarb and pie crusts in stock to make a black currant / rhubarb pie. I'll freeze enough so that when D27 comes home at Thanksgiving that I can make another. I think she'd like that.
So the big news is that I have an interview next Wednesday. Not with the company I recently applied to, but with the local nuclear plant which is closer and higher paying. I put applications in all the time and this is from one I did back in April. Curiously it's almost exactly 3 years ago that I had an interview with them. The phone interview on the day before my ex walked out and the on-site interview a week or so later which I blew undoubtedly in part because I was an absolute mess.
The job won't be all that fulfilling I expect but the quality of life improvements would be good. B's STBX also worked at this same place before taking early retirement at 50 so she is also familiar with it.
No telling if the other opportunity will come through or not. I'd rather not have to weigh them against each other. I do prefer simple choices of yes/no rather than door #1/2/3
Well - enough for now. I have a conference call shortly that I need to prep for.
burned sausages and pancakes out of a box
The burned sausages are one thing, but pretty certain 99% of people use a box to make their pancakes these days.
burned sausages and pancakes out of a box
The burned sausages are one thing, but pretty certain 99% of people use a box to make their pancakes these days.
That's crazy talk! Next you'll be telling me that there are these wonderful machines you can put dirty dishes in and they come out clean
Actually the dish fairy comes along and places the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. LOL!
Pancakes from a box. A machine that washes dishes. What an age we live in.
Lol
Good luck on Wednesday.
I make pancakes from scratch using my mom's recipe and adding my own touches to it. in fact, we're having pancakes for breakfast today, cooked on our new griddle. the sausages will not be burned. love me the dish fairy, but I also like to wash some by hand. I find it relaxing.
Happy Sunday everyone. Usual long rambling nonsense going on.
Slept in this morning and it was glorious even if lonely. B is out at the cottage with S38 / GS3/4. She had to pick her youngest son up after a wedding out that way and so decided to stay at the cottage. It's her happy place anyway. I chose to not go as I do like having time and space to myself. And TBH - why go live in a shack on an uncomfortable bed when I have a perfectly good house right here and no end of things to keep me occupied.
We had another talk on Saturday morning. B had intended to make breakfast for us but got distracted and so I started it. She then charged in and announced she would make the eggs which got her upset because she forgot how I liked them until the last moment when they were already plated. I didn't say anything of course other than that I was sure that they were perfectly fine.
The talk mainly revolved around how I know she really wants to help out and to make my life easier and better but the way she's going about it involves her taking away from me the things I love doing. I think she's gotten the message but it will be a set of boundaries I need to keep with.
Part of the problem for me is that I keep seeing / hearing echos of things I didn't like about my ex-wife. Friday night she was exhausted and was laying down on the couch while I read for a bit after work. On Fridays I don't get home until about 7:30pm. Then I realized that there were clothes still out on the line and dishes piled on the counter including ones I'd want to use for breakfast. So I quietly got up, did the dishes and brought the clothes in to the delight of the mosquitoes who came out when the sun went down. Since some were damp I hung them up on the indoor clothesline. In the morning B was musing about the clothes and how she should go get them and was annoyed but also pleased I think that I'd already taken care of things. The echos I see are my ex's tendency to make promises and plans and then never follow through on them. We've had a few times when B has agreed that we would do an activity together but then later have other plans. Yes - perhaps it's me being OCPD / boring old coot and I'm working on being adaptable. With me ex-wife I had to just accept that as if I would do the things, I'd get in trouble. Now I'm just doing the things that I feel need to be done. Hopefully this won't be a source of friction between us. I've not mentioned that I actually do some of things better than she does, especially the cleaning. It's probably for the best to not mention that.
Speaking of my ex-wife she actually walked down the driveway on Friday after parking directly across the street. She knew I wasn't home but that B was. B saw her from the back yard but there was no interaction. I expect there to not be. She was there to do some driving practice with S24 who had been sitting waiting in his car for her for some time. They were gone for about 1/2 hour. When I got home he seemed grumpy and plainly refused to talk about a job I'd heard of for him that is literally 2 doors down. B had done a fairly poor job of parking and S24 had some difficulty getting around her car.
I don't know what's up with my ex although I continue to be too curious for my own good. I do believe she is still in her apartment although she's now selling OM's stuff online so that's still a thing. It's roughly 4 years now that she's been seeing him. In a few days it will have been 3 years since I begged her on my knees to not leave and she did anyway after gutting the house.
B is working on negotiating us moving. I've said I am here for at least 10 years. She's now trying to negotiate 5. One thing she's adamant on is that the cats leave when S24 does - whenever that might be. I push back that there is a good chance that the cats will stay and I'm ok with that. I think that the fact that she moved in here with me and that this is my long-time home makes the dynamics much different than they might be otherwise. She did join me for Saturday errands although she had to leave for the cottage right as soon as we got back. We did drive around a new sub-division that is being built and talked about what we wanted in a place. I think she's going to have a fair chunk of cash in hand after her settlement and an inheritance - both of which are well over a year out. She's talked about us going in jointly for a house. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that. Personally I think she should take whatever windfall comes her way and put it aside for her retirement. It's cheap to live here and as long as I can continue to take care of things there's no reason I can think of to move.
It is a bit tiring hearing her complain about this place although she's doing it less over time corresponding to more and more referring to is as "our place" and home rather than "Andrew's place". I don't believe that there are any annoying ex-wife ghosts bothering her here.
I'm also trying to figure out how to have regular conversations with her. She talks continuously about almost everything and that's more or less fine. I tend to talk slowly after thinking over what I want to say and it does make it hard to get a word in edgewise. By the time I get my thoughts organized she's changed topics at least twice
I presume it's an Italian thing (?)
I did have a laugh - FSL was surprised that I showed up for my roses hours earlier than usual. I grumbled that B was trying to give me free time on Saturday afternoons by taking away the relaxing time I usually enjoyed in the morning. That got me an eye-roll.
Trust is still a huge thing with me. I loved my ex - but I never trusted her - at all sorts of levels. Lies about the most trivial of things were common. That's perhaps why her affair, while devastating and somewhat of a shock wasn't as big as it might have been. I was actually surprised about how decent she was as we sorted things and even after bomb-day as she could have taken far more advantage of me than she did. I will say here that I still have work to do on trusting B. Not that I think she would have an affair necessarily - it's just the whole "being there" thing with me. I've never really had anyone in my life that I could trust completely and it does make me feel at times like I'm living "on edge".
B has promised to make us ribs tonight so I have a rack of them out of the freezer. I have no clue when she's coming home but expect it to be late afternoon at the earliest. If she's late I'll figure out how to cook them. I'm sure to have a recipe somewhere. Speaking of recipes I made a date mug cake from the batch of single serve recipes I have from Love Swah - a blogger from Australia. It looked odd but tasted really good. I use her "Lonely Girl Pancake" recipe as my main stand-by.
B had told me to not cut the grass yesterday because of the heat but she wasn't here so I got over half of it done before I ran out of gas. I then spent a couple of hours picking black currants and a surprising number of spiders from my bush. Until I was alone that bush never was harvested. My ex did the bulk of the cooking and had no interest in the contents of our gardens. When I did have one, most of the produce would get thrown out. I got a fair bit of currants during my picking, washed, sorted them and put them in the freezer. The bush was a house warming present from my grandfather and is one of many things that ties me to this land.
Picking black currants I find a tedious job. The currants sit under the branch and are hard to spot. They are tiny and need to be picked one by one. I wanted to be sure that I had enough so that I can do a couple of rhubarb / black currant pies, especially for when D27 comes home for Thanksgiving. Picking reminded me of a mind shift I had when I was a boy. I was cleaning the manure from the stables and unlike Hercules was neither a hero nor did I have a handy stream to divert. But what I learned that day and keep getting reminded of is that looking at a large task can be overwhelming. But if instead you focus on the task in front of you and keep plugging away in time you'll get done and be surprised by how well it all went. I use this thought when cleaning, especially when the fairy has left a large pile of dishes on the counter. It serves me well. Just keep going and you'll get done.
B is going "up north" next Thursday to see her STBX for the weekend and help him remove a building that was destroyed in the winter by snow load. Why she has to go is confusing to me but he's not doing it on his own I've been told. He is older but not too much and is as far as I know is healthy and active. I think that she's both looking forward to going up there and also not. She certainly is looking forward she said to sitting on "her deck" and listening to the waves rolling in. She did mention though that the consumer proposal that they had to enter into will all be completed in the next few months. That will at least give her some much needed cash flow. She did say that her STBX cannot afford to buy her out of the house. He's threatened suicide a few times over the house and has been clinically diagnosed as being depressed and also historically has refused to take his meds. Not my issue but certainly may make things drag out.
Well - my pot of tea is empty. It's a glorious sunny day outside so I need to pop in to town and get more gas for the mower, finish the lawn and then perhaps go for a walk. I may do the small amount of ironing that is needed to be done this afternoon - maybe if I split it between Wednesday and the weekend it won't take so much time. Turning a big task into little ones.
I'm also trying to figure out how to have regular conversations with her. She talks continuously about almost everything and that's more or less fine. I tend to talk slowly after thinking over what I want to say and it does make it hard to get a word in edgewise. By the time I get my thoughts organized she's changed topics at least twice
I presume it's an Italian thing (?)
no. it is not.
Sorry Andrew ... let me elaborate - (had contractors here finishing punch list items)
When my large Italian family gets together, there are usually several conversations going on at the same time within different smaller groups.
I was married to an engineer for a very long time. While communication style are definitely different between his and my families of origin, what I think you're describing is something different. I think B may not be a very active listener, and you may find that off-putting, or hard to get used to, which is understandable. Becoming an active listener takes effort, but is worth it.
Perhaps you may want to mention the active listening concept to B?
xoxoxo
I agree w/bttrfly about the fact that she is not actively listening to what you have to say. I may be wrong, but it sounds like she does this at times to avoid listening to what you have to say and hopes that changing the subject will get you off kilter.
You and B have not been living together very long and she has mentioned at least several times about the house and selling it, the cats living there as well as she thinks your xw is sitting across the street. She has attempted to suggest ways of changing your appearance w/the change in pants, how you wear your shirts and necklaces. I know I have raised this question w/you before...but are you sure she's happy w/the relationship? Is she looking to make you over into the man she just left?
One of the things that needed to happen before the move in was that B needed to sort out her personal life. She really needed to find a place and live on her own for a while. She's dealing w/her son who has had some difficulties and dealing w/her STBXH. B truly hasn't lived on her own for quite some time and she needed that time to find the B that she left up on a shelf when she married the first time, had children, divorced and then married another man and is now in the throes of a divorce once again. Before the dust was settled with the main issues in her life, she met you and let's face it...the relationship wasn't allowed to blossom in the normal way of dating for a period of time before she moved in w/you. It's been a frustrating transition for both of you.
Andrew, you are several years ahead of B in detaching from your xw and your divorce. B hasn't had the luxury of doing this and she's having a difficult time of adjusting to you, your personality, home life, etc. Maybe being w/her family on the weekends gives her the space and time to go back to what she is familiar with and she feels more comfortable in that setting. However, it seems like she spent more time w/you before moving in. I may be wrong about that, but if I am, please correct me.
I wouldn't think about selling my home at this point in time and venturing into purchasing a home w/her. She has only been there less than 6 months and already she's talking to you about selling and getting another place together. Have you given her the impression that you want to marry her? Neither of you know if this relationship will work out and from your postings, you are slowly seeing how B deals w/things around the home what she says she'll do and then doesn't follow through. I can understand that things may over take what she has promised to do, but it appears that she is doing this quite often and it's starting to frustrate you.
I do find it interesting that when you tell her how you feel about your cats, Amy and Liz, as well as your home, she backs down for a while. It appears that when she thinks your xw is lurking around, she tends to raise the same issues again. One thing that B will need to understand, your xw will always be in some of your space because of your two children. B won't be able to hide you away in a new home and away from the xw when there are family functions that will require your attendance as well as your xw's.
No, it's not her Italian heritage...it's just B being B. Andrew, you need to take a good look at your relationship and decide if B's personality traits are something you will be able to live with if this relationship goes to the next level or if you are going to allow the relationship to die a natural death.
Andrew, I want to see you happy, but don't sell yourself short. If, down the road, this relationship isn't working out for you and B, don't be afraid to speak up and tell her how you feel and do not allow her to switch topics to get you off track as to what you want to say. It's important to clear the air so that you both know how each other feels about things.
If I have offended you, please know that is not my intention. I am only looking at your situation from the outside and do not know all of the facts....just what you posted.
I 100% agree with job. Everything I’ve wanted to say, but knew I couldn’t say it as eloquently as job.
Oh, I’m so glad Job has posted above.
I too agree with everything she says. I was too worried to post because, as I’m from across the pond and post a little differently, I didn’t want to offend as sometimes I can sound rather abrupt.
For me, there are red flags a plenty and I honestly wish you hadn’t let her move in so soon.
I would be worried that she was on the rebound from her previous relationship and if it doesn’t work out for you, how stressful it would be to get her to move out again.
Crap - I had a detailed response put in and then hit the refresh button on the wrong window. I'll do an abridged version.
Thanks everyone for your input. You may not have all the facts but what you lack in facts you make up for with an outside perspective.
As a mature couple finding our way, we are hitting bumps on the road that are a surprise to us but really shouldn't be. We have a lifetime living in different ways than the other person. B's happy place in the summer is at her cottage with her family. Mine is puttering around the house which admittedly takes a lot of puttering to keep it up.
One big difference between this and my former marriage is that I now stand my ground more firmly rather than try to placate. It often is a source of humour for us. The cats are secure in their place in my house / our home. As is S24 for as long as he wishes it.
I am cutting B probably quite a bit of slack right now because as you point out job - she's not had the opportunity to be "free" and grow in the way that it probably would have done her good to do. And she's got a lot of mess in her life in the near term with S38 and her STBX especially.
Although we talk about the long term, I certainly have never mentioned marriage and won't as long as she is technically married to someone else. It's a "thing" to me. If you asked her, she'd probably say that she doesn't want to get married again. The truth may be somewhere in between.
I can actually see a path where we would part ways. Since I am often cynical here - I can see B when she potentially comes in to some money from an inheritance and her eventual settlement, moving off on her own to a place that more fits her own vision.
One thing though that I have found though post marriage is that each of the friendships and the few more serious relationships have taught me a lot about myself. And I'm better for each and every one of them including the ones that didn't work out. I'm not 25 filled with hormones and chivalric ideals. I'm 55, comfortable in my own skin and yes - a bit set in my ways.
If I have offended you, please know that is not my intention. I am only looking at your situation from the outside and do not know all of the facts....just what you posted.
Job - if anyone in this world has earned the right - you certainly have.
You know - I'm going to jump in with a (slightly) contrary view. While I agree it's pretty presumptuous of B to be discussing selling your place so early on, it also seems a natural thing if you're growing very close to discuss your future plans - would just likely have happened after 2 years if you hadn't moved in so quickly.
I imagine every time she goes up the stairs and her knees hurt it brings the subject up to the surface of her mind lol.
And let's all admit it is not unusual for a new partner to feel a little uncomfortable moving into the marital home of a partner's previous spouse. Some are more bothered by that than others.
And since B is a "talker" some of this may be idle chit chat or speculation and the intent may be less serious than we all assume.
Certainly if this relationship progressed after a couple of years to a lifetime commitment of some sort, it could be appropriate to consider a joint home that is practical for old age and has no pesky old memories. I imagine this comes up all the time in relationships between people in our age group. Although I miss my marital home I'm rather glad I couldn't afford to keep it - I wouldn't have wanted to live with the ghosts of my marriage.
Since you, Andrew, are admittedly not the most flexible person, I applaud you for at least considering the possibility of change in the future. And the fact that B is including you in her imaginings of your future is a good sign.
Had my interview over lunch time with the power company. A different role than I've done before and I did struggle with some of the questions. At least I didn't blow it like I did the last time almost exactly 3 years ago when I was dealing with the emotional fall-out of my ex having left the house a couple of days previously. B read the job description and I think made sense out of about 1/2 the words. Only a few less than me
Fingers crossed. It has a lot of positives to offer. Improved quality of life is certainly a big part. And I was honest about that being a motivating factor. I did laugh because as a "senior" position they were looking for someone with between 8-10 years experience. I did the math during the interview and came up with 37. I did show some honest enthusiasm for the role and it does have a bit of a cool factor. The fact that I am so local, familiar with the plant having had my brothers work there and have most of the credentials plus some not on the list will possibly help.
I have been told I have a stable position as well as the conversations I've been having with the other company I've mentioned have been positive. I feel pretty good about being able to at least put food on the table. They said that they'll be making a choice in the next few weeks - possibly without a second round of interviews.
Dealing with some other issues. B had a major falling-out with a bunch of her siblings and their kids in the last few days. The details aren't important. This is the second time she's had this issue with them and she's ranted about leaving them in her dust and going her own way. I personally doubt that will happen. Family ties are pretty strong despite them all being a pretty passionate lot. I made sympathetic noises and made sure she knew that I would be standing beside her no matter what, but that I had no part in anything going on. She appreciated that.
She's off to the former marital home this weekend and then the next weekend is with some grand-daughters at the cottage. There's a P family get-together at my youngest brother's farm on the Saturday that she's promised to make time for but won't be there long. Understandable. We'll see how things work out with her siblings. I expect it to be rocky for a while. Many swear words were used. She's had long talks with a couple of her sisters who seem to be on her side - more or less. Big families seem to mean big drama and big complications.
GS 3/4 are downstairs (I'm working from home) right now (because reasons) and I'll be taking them to the park on my own in a bit - wish me luck. B will be taking S24 out for driving practice while I do that. As I told her and S24, B having guided 4 kids through driving tests as well as doing the bus driver tests herself has been doing so much better on helping him practice than I can. And since S24 is taking his test tomorrow
(hurray!!) giving him the best possible influence is the most important thing. If he does get his license, and I'm fairly confident, it will be a game-changer for us all.
Well - a small for me Wednesday update. Back to work.
PS - Thank you kml for your input. I think more than most that you "get" where I'm coming from. The others aren't wrong but there are many versions of "right" too.
I hope that you get the position that you interviewed for today. It would mean so much more in the way of "quality of life" for you and you wouldn't have to worry about whether your current position is going to be there for a few more years.
I will keep your son in my thoughts and pray that he passes his driving test tomorrow. Who is going to go with him? Will it be you, B or your xw? He needs lots of support in the morning so that he can build up his confidence and get this over and done with. I imagine all of you can't wait until he is driving himself around.
Good luck with the kiddies. They have a lot of energy and will keep you on your toes.
We'll see how things work out with her siblings. I expect it to be rocky for a while. Many swear words were used.
I am reminded of the first time I slept in Brooklyn NY about 40 years ago. My ex and I were sleeping in the front room of a brownstone and in the middle of the night a loud fight erupted on the street below our window over a parking space. There was yelling and screaming and threats and my ex had to translate for my California self - that the conversation was actually just "excuse me, I believe you parked in my parking space" "I'm sorry, but these spaces are not reserved" "Oh but I beg to differ, I always park here".
I imagine that's what it's like for you listening to her Italian family. Things may be loud and dramatic but not actually carry the weight that we calmer types think they do. In some cultures that's just the way communication goes. Things we think would lead to an irreparable rift are just every day drama.
My family isn’t Italian, but from Brooklyn and Queens and we only know how to communicate loudly and with the f bomb. But it’s rarely ever nasty
"excuse me, I believe you parked in my parking space" "I'm sorry, but these spaces are not reserved" "Oh but I beg to differ, I always park here".
My family isn’t Italian, but from Brooklyn and Queens and we only know how to communicate loudly and with the f bomb. But it’s rarely ever nasty
LOL. This is a bit more serious but I do expect it to blow over eventually.
It's funny - for most of my life I rarely raised my voice. One day fairly early on, B and I were leaving her mother's place and I yelled back "We're not fighting, we're just discussing really really loudly"
I hope that you get the position that you interviewed for today. It would mean so much more in the way of "quality of life" for you and you wouldn't have to worry about whether your current position is going to be there for a few more years.
Thanks job
I will keep your son in my thoughts and pray that he passes his driving test tomorrow. Who is going to go with him? Will it be you, B or your xw? He needs lots of support in the morning so that he can build up his confidence and get this over and done with. I imagine all of you can't wait until he is driving himself around.
Good luck with the kiddies. They have a lot of energy and will keep you on your toes.
The GK were tiring but we're all getting used to each other. I had them at the park for an hour or so while B took S24 out some final driving practice. I was rather surprised when she told me that OM will be taking him for his test. I would have thought his mother could have made some time but odd as it seems, I am glad that OM is helping out. It's also confirmed that he's retired. I'll leave S24 a "good luck" note in the morning. If he passes it will be life changing for him.
S24 passed his driving test !!!!!!!
Please send on my congratulations on your son passing his driving test! I' sure he's so proud and ready to celebrate. It's been a long time coming and now that hurdle has come and gone. I'm so happy for him.
Congrats to S24 and best of luck with the position you interviewed for. Fingers crossed!
Andrew,
It's time to start a new thread.
New Thread - It's a world of laughter
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2858827&#Post2858827And yes a small world after all.
S24 wasn't home when I got there last night as he was helping out at his friend's restaurant. I was annoyed because on the counter were the two beer mugs that his mother had been trying to sell online out of OM's house. After giving it some thought I put them up in his room where they would be obvious. A presumably clear signal that I didn't want to see them but that if he wanted them, that's fine by me. If that creates awareness that I have some intel on his mother then so be it. I'd thought of just ignoring them but really it doesn't make any difference to me if he or his mother knows that I get information. I did notice that the paper towel holder he'd had in his room for well over a year that was a gift to his mother from her mother wasn't obviously visible like it has been. His room has actually been clean and tidy for over a week. I do wonder what changed.
Another other small world thing happened. I noticed that SIL2 was facebook friends with B's S38. So I asked. It turns out that they used to live together. Oddly a few months ago I don't believe that they weren't FB friends - just since he broke up with his current girlfriend. I just responded to SIL2 "small world". S38 has "problems" and undoubtedly has had for quite some time. I do hope that SIL2 is keeping her distance. I let B know about the connection and asked if she had met SIL2 before. There's a family event the first weekend of August hosted by SIL2 where B would be meeting the family. I'm glad that this info was found before hand. It could have been "very" awkward otherwise. There's a longer story that is none of anyone's business here that makes me concerned that they have that connection. B and I will have to have a talk later. She's "up north" right now and sent me a picture of some loons floating on the lake in front of what is / used to be her home there. She misses it.
Well - let's start fresh and look towards the future and not the past.
Some changes are undoubtedly on the way with S24 now being mobile, B perhaps getting closer to a settlement, me maybe getting a new job.