Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Ginger1 change is good - 02/06/19 12:47 AM
A million thread titles in my time. Change is good. Most of the time. Lots of changes in my life over the last six months.

another year survived

I started my new job yesterday. They were very happy to have me, which was nice. I am splitting my floor right now with another care manager I have worked with. She is a doll and very helpful. It is really a lot of work and no downtime. I had only one pain in the butt family member and doctor yesterday, not shabby. NOthing beats a 10 minute commute! It was my weekend scheduled coming up, so now that I am full time, Ill get a day off this week, and a day off next week. So I am off tomorrow. When I was single I would have preferred this schedule. Now, Its my time with M. But we will usually do something at night together. We will see each other Wednesday.

Funny, no so funny story. I though I won $600 in a superbowl pool. I celebrated, my ex even got excited for me. I looked at my box wrong, my eyes didn't follow correctly. I won squat. Being with the ex and wife and the party as always is interesting. He has become some sort of weird gamer where he brings his ipad and phone to an event and does his game the ENTIRE time. D11 said that's who he spends his time with her too. Sad. And a little weird.


So, I went to the gym last night and for the first time ever, I had to stop in the middle of a workout. I have even finished a workout when I broke a toe during it. Snowbaording I had many falls, but one was really bad and I hit my butt bone. It's been hurting pretty bad, then it began to feel better, then I went on a water slide and smacked it. Oh the pain. I went to the gym and we did this one move and that was it. It began to throb and tears were coming out of my eyes. The instructor got me an ice pack. I was embarrassed and sad. I think I broke my butt. I can't seem to try anything without injuring myself. Snowboarding was probably a bad idea. ATleast I can enjoy summer activities with him like kayaking, fishing and hiking. I am also an excellent swimmer.

I began this post this morning, then went to work. Today was a super busy day. I didn't get out until 4:40. But it is what it is. The day seriously speeds past. It's a good thing. My dumb dog kept waking me up last night and I hope he lets me sleep tonight. Tomorrow the dog gets groomed, the car gets serviced and the house gets clean. Then date night.

That's my boring update.
Posted By: Coconut Re: change is good - 02/06/19 12:57 AM
Originally Posted by Ginger1

I think I broke my butt.


No longer will I tell anyone that “they are a pain in the a$$”, for now on I’ll tell them that they broke my butt... sorry your in pain, but that made me laugh.

Hopefully it’s just some swelling that will go down in time
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 02/06/19 02:00 AM
Originally Posted by Coconut
Hopefully it’s just some swelling that will go down in time
That's what "she" said laugh

Sorry - couldn't resist.

Love hearing that you have gotten a great start to the new job G. I can sympathize with the puppy issues as my girls have gotten more needy in the last number of months as well. I really need to spend more time with them. I find that if I play with them in the evening, give them a nice brushing that the will often have a quiet night. I think that they get disturbed though because S24 is up at all hours and they think we should both be up playing with them. Is your puppy's crate in a quiet place with no street noises / lights? I'm no expert on dogs myself.

Hope you feel better tomorrow. And if you need any cream rubbed on things, you at least have someone to call. After-all, you just did that for him the other day.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/06/19 12:12 PM
Originally Posted by Coconut
Originally Posted by Ginger1

I think I broke my butt.


No longer will I tell anyone that “they are a pain in the a$$”, for now on I’ll tell them that they broke my butt... sorry your in pain, but that made me laugh.

Hopefully it’s just some swelling that will go down in time


My goal is to always make someone laugh!

I have been waiting for the swelling to go down in my butt forever! I think it's going to be permanently swollen

Andrew, as I type this, the dog is violently humping my arm. He is too much. D11 comes home from school and plays with him, I come home from school and play with him, take him out, we went for a walk yesterday, we play fetch, his favortie game, but he is just too much. Endless energy, won't get out of the garbage, he's too much. I figure its got to calm down soon.I am looking forward to the 2 hours he will be at the groomers today. That's when I will be able to get some cleaning done.

Actually, M said he will give me a butt a massage:). Taking one for the team, he is.

I have tons of plans for my day off and as per usual, I will probably get about half of them done!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 02/06/19 12:56 PM
Oh G....I have so many things I could say but they are probably not board appropriate:). Hang in there!!
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 02/06/19 01:09 PM
Dang girl, that's why I told you to get one of those butt pads for snowboarding .
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 02/06/19 02:51 PM
I am glad your first week is going well.

Gosh, G, I feel for you. I know how you are feeling concerning your butt bone. I hope it is only bruised. I feel many years ago and thought I had just bruised mine, but it hurt like heck and went to see my physician about it and he just laughed his head off. I truly could have smacked him. So, I left to the hospital and had it x-rayed. I had chipped a piece off of it and they said that there was nothing I could do but sit on a donut ring. It took a long time to heal and what happed to you will take a long time as well.

Best advice...sit on a soft pillow and avoid activities that are going to aggravate it for a couple of weeks. It is not a pleasant thing to deal with. I am so sorry. Feel better soon.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: change is good - 02/06/19 09:30 PM
Glad your first week is going well. Busy days definitely make time pass quicker. Hope it continues to go well and I hope your tailbone issue begins to heal. That must be miserable. So sorry you have to deal with that!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/08/19 12:25 AM
Oh Job, I'm sorry you had to go through this too. It stinks, because there really is nothing I can do about it. I am pi$$ed because it's keeping me out of the gym. I want to workout but it hurts too much when I do. I hope by next week I can get back.

Who wants to hear the funniest story??? Well, pretty funny anyways. One of my famous OLD stories was the anesthesiologist who refused to feed me for 3 hours and our waitress taunted us. Well, he is an anesthesiologist at the hospital I work now. I thought I wouldn't run into him, but twice today. Once we were coming towards eachother down the hall, another time amongst my coworkers in the hall. I certainly recognized him, even in scrubs. I doubt he recognized me, I told my friend I was going to go up to him and tell him he owes me lunch ! I worked with someone I hadn't met yet today because she is part time. At first she came off kind of bitchy, but we ended up hitting it off and really enjoying working together. SHe has a 7th and 8th grader, and I have a 6th. She's 45 and probably the closest one in age to me there. But the people I work with are so nice. Actually every employee of that hospital is so kind. Such a different atmosphere. Even a patient's daughter said "you are so kind, everyone here is". My days are still going past 4, but it is OK, in time I should learn to trim it down a bit.

M and I went out to dinner last night. I picked him up because it was a little closer to his house. We had a good time. Something is shifting in our R. I wish I couldn't explain it. Maybe it's coming out of the new phase a little. I'm cool with it, but for some reason I still get some paranoia like he's going to dump me. Which is I know is warranted. Anyways, we went back to his house and because of the dog I had to sneak out at 3am. I hate it. He wishes I didn't either. SO this weekend we are going to spend one night at my house. I work but said if there is one night he wants to lay low with me at my house, we can sleep together through the night. It was funny, he came in my car last night and apologized if he seemed a little twitchy. He quite smoking! I am proud of him. He's trying. He said he's done it a few times before. If it were me, I would be a raging B. He's not twitchy or unkind at all. He's seriously so mellow.

My D is still making me nuts with her messed up priorities lately. She forgot her book for her project once at her dad's then I reminded her twice a day and she forgot it again. She made every excuse in the world. She's just not making the best choices lately and isn't changing anything. Now she is stomping through the house screaming that she never does anything right. Sigh. Preteen years.

I had bought her this tool to remove her upper lip hair and give her 2 eyebrows. SHe refuses to wax which pi$$es off her dad. She was excited about the hair removal so she facetimes her dad who gets mad at me because he thinks it's going to cause a 5 o clock shadow. He says she has to "man up" and she doesn't know pain until she has waxed her whole back. I told him that was pain for ME. Then he gave me the finger. Such an A hole.

Sigh. I am off next Tuesday and my dad and stepmom are coming out Monday night. I'm tired. Long day of work, making 2 dinners, cleaning and tons of laundry. I have so much more I want to do, but I lose steam. Still trying to igure out how to get it all done.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/10/19 11:15 PM
Holy poop, it's been super busy and exhausting this past week. Adjusting to a new job which is busy and having to work the weekend. I love the job, I love the people. It was so nice, the CM I am working with right now shared in our huddle when we say something "good" that happened on this week on Friday,s he said "we have Ginger and she is doing so good and she came back for more!" The job is wreaking havoc on my diet tho. All the rehab and ltc facilities we refer to bring by soooo many treats. They are usually downstairs in the office, but twice this week, I got a Krispy Kreme and a piece of crumb cake delivered right to me.

I had an interesting week with D11. She's been so hyper focused on her friends, she isn't focused on the other placed she should be and we had it out. She freaked. I looked at her texts to see what's going on and there is stuff going on with her friends. long story, I won't bore you. Then I see she is starting a club. ANd here I am freaking out it's something NOT good. Her friend and her were going to start a yoga club for people with anxiety and divorced parents. I was kind of speechless when she told me. I also found in her texts that she told her friend while she was at her dad;'s house that her dad and wife got in a fight and he was screaming and he threw a glass and broke it. ANd she says "I hate divorce" as if their marital fight has something to do without divorce. She asked me if she could see a therapist. Yes, this is my 11 year old. I am trying to find an alternative to therapy first.

In news of my man..... I began getting a little unsettled, and I don't know why. But things are good. We went out after work last night for a quick dinner and drink. He asked me if D11 and I were coming to his son's b day party next weekend and he said he wanted to book that weekend getaway with all of us. So we looked some stuff up. I think we might have it planned for mid march. So, things are definitely moving forward. No R talks, but I guess actions are speaking louder than words. I love him dearly, and love when he stays over, but he is 6'2 guy who likes to sleep diagonally very soundly and I am in a small corner of the bed. I don't have the heart to say anything, but I didn't sleep last night.


I also got a little brave regarding Valentines day. I am weirded out by the holiday. Haven't had many good experiences with it. I think it is a dumb commercial holiday, in the same breath, it feels crappy when you are with someone who doesn't acknowledge it So I took the initialtve this year. I asked him if he would like to come over Wednesday night for a romantic valentines dinner made by me. He said he would love to. And him showing up is good enough for me. A bottle of wine would be nice too, lol.

ANd that's my exciting life!
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 02/11/19 01:43 PM
Have you recovered from your recent injury?

I am tickled that you love your job and the people you are working with. True, it was busy last week, but you'll settle in and things will start to slow down just a wee bit for you. As for the goodies on the job...you've got to get stronger and say thanks, but then put those goodies aside. I know your will power will kick in very soon.

As for your D11, I am so sorry that she had to witness her father throwing a glass. The home environment sounds like is going down hill very quickly at times. If I were them, I would make sure that your D11 wasn't in the room or could hear them fighting. That is so bad and immature to do it when she's around. I can understand how she feels. Evidently your daughter feels the need to talk to someone other than her parents at this time. She feels that she would be more comfortable talking to an outside who will listen and not judge her or one parent will judge the other. Definitely find someone that she can talk to and soon.

I am glad you are stepping outside the box and inviting your man over Valentine's night. G, you've come a long way and as you walk your new path, your anxiety over him and the relationship will slowly disappear.

Try to enjoy your week.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: change is good - 02/11/19 05:11 PM
I'm so sorry about the stuff with D11. I feel bad that she has to see that sort of behavior from her dad. That must be rough. As far as the starting the yoga and her hating divorce, while those are upsetting to you, I think that they speak to the example you set for her. She's obviously a caring child who feels deeply, much like you are a caring woman who feels deeply. I can see where it would be hard for you to read these things, but at the same time (from an outsider's perspective) these are things that show her compassion and her willingness to deal with things and to help others deal with them. Those are things that will serve her well in adulthood, thanks to you! I agree with what job said above that she is really needing to talk to someone other than you or her dad and you should find someone to let her talk with as soon as possible. You are doing such a fantastic job with her and I think a lot of what is going on now really has more to do with her age and the fact that she's becoming a teenager. Honey, I can tell from experience that teenage girls bring the DRAMA. It just naturally follows them, even when they are not particularly dramatic per se. I can't speak for you or the other ladies on the board, but when I was a teenager, I just don't remember there being so much drama all the time. Of course, I'm old, so there is that. LOL

I'm so thrilled for you for your new job and that things are going well with M. I know what you mean about him being tall and taking up a lot of space in the bed. I'm tall, but Sparky is a good bit taller and he's a bit of a bed hog, so between him and the dog, if I don't go to bed first, there isn't hardly any room for me because the 2 of them are sprawled across the middle....in a king sized bed! LOL You'll get used to it. I have and it is really nice. I think it was a smart move on your part to invite him over for dinner on Valentine's day. I agree that it is a very over-commercialized "holiday" but it still sux when you are in a relationship and the other person doesn't even acknowledge it. I don't expect someone to send me some huge expensive bouquet of flowers from the florist, but you could run in Walmart and get a $4 bouquet. LOL Or in our town (and probably many other places) where Dollar General stores are taking over the world because they are popping up at a rate of roughly 3 or 4 new ones every minute or so, you can get a single, long-stemmed red rose for $2. I saw a big bucket of them yesterday and they actually looked nice.

It may not feel like it to you, since you are IN it, but from the outside looking in, you are doing GREAT! You have a good job, bought a nice house for you and D11, are raising D11 well, and have a good man by your side. You are rockin' it!
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 02/12/19 12:30 AM
Quote
She asked me if she could see a therapist. Yes, this is my 11 year old. I am trying to find an alternative to therapy first.


She asked to see a therapist - find her a therapist. A good one. Not many kids this age would ask, I would be worried she's dealing with something bigger than you know. She's a year older than one of my kids when they developed OCD, a year younger than another one when they developed a serious eating disorder. Find a therapist.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 02/12/19 12:45 AM
I agree with kml.

There are some things best fixed early and by a pro. Her comments about the situation at her Dad's house show that she recognises what a dysfunctional relationship looks like. She also has you and M getting cozy and has seen you hurt a number of times. Even the happy humper and the frustrations both of you are having could be an issue.

And as kml also said there may be something going on where she needs someone impartial and non judgmental to talk to.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/12/19 08:14 PM
Thank you all for your very thoughtful replies. Dawn, thank you for pointing out the positive. I need a little reassurance sometimes. I am really coming up onto the rough teenage years, and it isn't going to be easy with this one. As far as the therapist..... I truly think she wants one because her new close friend sees one. She practically told me as much. They are under her dads plan, the selection is small and the distance is far and I can't pay out of pocket for one. Of course if my daughter really needed one I would do what I had to do, but not to be like her friends. SHe told me she would like to have a therapist to "make schedules with" so she can organize better. Commedable, but there are other resources for that if she doesn't want it to be me. I told her she should reach out to her guidance counselor for some tips to stay organized in school and to talk about things. I will use resources that are more attainable now while I research what my ex's insurance has to offer to see if it will work. She did ask me randomly last night as we were getting a cookie in the mall after dinner if her dad cheated on me. She is at the age where I can't simply say "this is an adult matter" anymore. She has legit questions. If I tell the truth, I can risk her relationship with her father and stepmother. If I lie, I can risk our relationship for when she finds out the truth. I just don't know what to do. I simply told her this isn't a conversation for right now.


Now, onto My little dilemma with M. Not really a dilemma per say, but a shot of reality. This morning I bought us porter houses and lobster tails and other sides and the girls and I are going to make chocolate covered strawberries. M and I were going to have a nice romantic night. Well, it's bad weather here in and schools were cancelled. His son's daycare was cancelled. It's his night to have his son. His knew his ex was going ot withhold his son, but due to the weather for his sons safety, he gave alternatives. Well, she first said tomorrow when he said sunday if they couldn't exchange before the snow started today. She said Wednesday. Our night together. It upset me a bit at first. But he drops him off at 7:30, so I guess dinner at 8 wouldn't be awful. Then he tells me she lied tp their parent coordinator saying he threatened her if she didn't give him today. Which is an absolute lie. I saw the emails. Now he has to wait on this parent coordinator to make the decision. He is beyond upset, of course, with her lying anad using the kid as a pawn, having the court decide if he could spend an alternative night with the kid, ect. It is a godawful situation and she is truly sick and evil.

I fully realize that this will be my life too. If there is an important even in my life but it's on his parenting day, he will not be able to attend. There is no switching days and he wouldn't even have his mom watch him because he wont give up any time with his son Again, its very honorable. But this will be my life too. I may have my child majority of the time,but we are flexible and I am willing to get a sitter. I realize it's going to be rough with the baby momma drama. He may not be able to show up for things that are important to me, and I have to just deal.

And that's when you realize you love someone, I guess. When you accept this stuff. Because I do accept it and I won't run from it. I also realize it is possible to be personally disappointed but understanding at the same time.
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 02/12/19 08:52 PM
Look on the bright side - dinner at 8 gives you time to clean up the kitchen mess and get all gussied up before he gets there. It'll be perfect!

Quote
She did ask me randomly last night as we were getting a cookie in the mall after dinner if her dad cheated on me. She is at the age where I can't simply say "this is an adult matter" anymore. She has legit questions. If I tell the truth, I can risk her relationship with her father and stepmother. If I lie, I can risk our relationship for when she finds out the truth. I just don't know what to do. I simply told her this isn't a conversation for right now.


This might not be random - maybe THIS is the real reason she wants to speak to a counselor.

Normally I would say an 11 year old is still young enough to say "this is an adult matter". But she is wise beyond her years in some ways. I really don't know how you should answer this. It definitely could adversely affect her relationship with her father and stepmom; on the other hand, maybe she already knows something if she's been listening to them fight? Whatever you say, I wouldn't lie to her. I think it's reasonable to keep saying it's an adult matter, but if you do say something about it, I'd soften it as much as possible. "Your dad and I were young, it was a difficult time but we're over it now, what's most important is that we both love you very much" kind of stuff.

Maybe start by asking why SHE is asking? Sometimes we think kids are asking for more info than they really are. Or maybe by her responding to this question something important will come out (like" I'm asking because stepmom said he was a jerk for lying to her about not being married when they started dating" - as I said, the cat might be out of the bag- or it might just be "I wondered because I was so little when you separated" or "I found your diary" or who knows?).
Posted By: DonH Re: change is good - 02/13/19 01:35 AM
I don't know if I'm right or wrong about my answer but it came to me right away and I am willing to stand behind it unless someone else has a reason not to. Without hesitation I'd say "I think you really need to ask your dad that question." I mean she's not asking if YOU cheated. She's asking about what one one else may have done. Just in general unless that person is dead or not able to answer it's always best to go to the person in question - right? Now if you are going to say shes afraid of her dad - well that's a whole other issue now isn't it. You could even agree to be there for a family discussion - just the three of you. If nothing else it totally gets you off the hook. I realize getting off the hook is not your goal but you don't have to lie, don't have to say she's too young. This is really a good life lesson. If she wants to know the truth about pretty much anyone, the authority on that truth lies with the person in question.

Now the M issue. I don't think this has to be or even should be a deal breaker. However my concern, well my first concern, is you are often very willing, perhaps too willing to overlook things. Whether it be an out of shape guy with ED or a guy unwilling to sleep with you fully or drive to where you live or make an effort or on and on. You will regret always being placed second, or third, or forth. Now and then you deserve to come first. Most certainly not all of the time, maybe not even half the time, but for sure some of the time. I'd be very concerned if you really think his son will ALWAYS come first. I'm not talking for this Wednesday but down the road. Is M really this ridged?

My other concern is larger. There is something more here. You are not getting the entire truth. Is his ex really the devil incarnate? Can she or anyone really be this bad? Is she really sick and evil? The truth is nearly always somewhere in the middle and I think that's the case with M. But let's say it's not. Let's just say she is one of the worst woman on this earth. What does that say about M that he married her? Not a good vote of confidence. But I seem to remember there are legal or police reports about this as well - right? Oh but these were fabricated and totally false? Again the truth is likely in the middle.

I don't know this guy from Adam I just know in general anytime I've heard that the guy (or the girl) really was screwed over and the other person was really evil, it later comes out the first person was not the angel they tried to portray. On balance she may be far worse than him. I tend to think that's likely but I also think you need to not brush off things as quickly as you may. I know that's hard. I know you like or maybe even love this guy and it would stink to find out he's not what you thought. Just don't dismiss the possibility. Anyone who seems too good to be true often is. We all have flaws and even half the things my exW would complain about me others I've dated would agree to be true. It might even be good to hear her side of the story. There are always two sides. If she really is this whacked why in earth did he marry her? Otherwise what did he do to make her this whacked? It's one of the two.
Posted By: JujuB Re: change is good - 02/13/19 01:52 AM
Im gonna post here cause i keep hijacking josephs thread....its a federal law that if you have primary custody you can declare daughter every year (unless you specified differently in decree) if a judge rules differently it becomes a whole state vs federal issue that the family courts dont have time for and probably wont win. I brought this up to my 500 dollar an hour lawyer who brought it up to the partner and I was right. My ex was pissed.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/14/19 11:31 AM
M and I had our V day dinner last night. He did show up with a dozen red roses and a card attached.
I didn't open my card until after dinner. Here is what it read:

What the card read, written by the card company.

I needed ya.
I got ya.
I'm keeping ya.
I love ya

Then he wrote the sweetest thing and in it he said "I hope to spend many more Valenine's days with you.

A whole lot of wow, right? He told me he loved me in that card and told me he is committed to me.

I responded like an idiot. My heart was bursting with love, but I didn't say it right away. I did have tears and go over and kiss him to death. It took me an hour to say "I love you" I was almost wondering if maybe he wasn't trying t say it, because I didn't hear the words out of his mouth? But I did, I looked him right in the eyes eventually and said "I love you" and he said " I love you too"

SO here is why I didn't act like a completely normal person. After the ex and I were dating 2 years and he never said I love you, he finally did.....Via my Valentine card. So it was a little strange.

I hope I didn't ruin it by being too awkward. When he left this morning, I said " I love the flowers, I love the card, and I love you" He did respond I love you too.

I'm a little crazier than I thought I was. I have fear around saying it, but not doing it. My ex and exNG are the only ones who have ever said it to me. Ex NG actually took it back. I don't want M to take it back, because even though I am crazy awkward when I say it, I sure as heck mean it and I never loved anyone the way I love him.

Even though I am such a weirdo, I can't stop smiling. Because I can't wait to see what the future brings us either.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/14/19 11:43 AM
Originally Posted by JujuB
Im gonna post here cause i keep hijacking josephs thread....its a federal law that if you have primary custody you can declare daughter every year (unless you specified differently in decree) if a judge rules differently it becomes a whole state vs federal issue that the family courts dont have time for and probably wont win. I brought this up to my 500 dollar an hour lawyer who brought it up to the partner and I was right. My ex was pissed.


Thank Juju, unfortunately, we have joint custody with me being the primary custodial parent, or however it is worded. I went to another lawyer and my accountant and this is what they told me. His child support "equals us out" since it considers custody percentage.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/16/19 01:06 AM
So tomorrow is a very very big day and I am pretty nervous. It's the most anxiety inducing moment in single parenting dating. Introducing kids. Last night he was telling me he looked forward to meeting D11 and to be meeting his son. I said I was as well and I know it's a very big deal as he has never done this before. He said it is a big deal and he wouldn't do it if he wasn't absolutely sure of it and that I am a pretty amazing woman. I really think he likes me! Today he also invited us back to the house after the party. That's a big deal. Of course I accepted. He said he told him today that he is meeting Daddy's friend and his daughter. He said he didn't want to confuse him so that's why he was calling me his friend. I said of course that's how he should be introducing me.

This is a real actual R we have going on here. I think with a future. I have never had a real R like this.

But I have to say the most pivotal scary anxiety ridden part of single parent dating is introducing the kids. Big Time. Your R hinges on how well that goes. You are introducing the most important little people in your life to the one you love.

Wish us luck. I've waited a long time for this.
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 02/16/19 01:33 AM
I'm confused - he's introducing you to his son as just a "friend"? That might work if your daughter wasn't there, but Kidd being kids, she's sure to tell his son you're dating.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/16/19 01:07 PM
Originally Posted by kml
I'm confused - he's introducing you to his son as just a "friend"? That might work if your daughter wasn't there, but Kidd being kids, she's sure to tell his son you're dating.


He's barely 5 and a boy, I don't think he even understands what dating is. He understands friends though. Even D 11 asked how he was going to introduce me because she understands he may not get it. She's a snobby pain in the butt preteen lately, but she actually understands this stuff. I am sure if he asks questions though, he will answer honestly.

Bracing myself for the big day today. Of course I am working on some really bad sleep thanks to my dog.
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 02/16/19 01:26 PM
Ginger,

Take a deep breath! Don't over think everything. Everything will work out just fine. Your daughter will be there and she will be your biggest supporter. Any questions come up from the kids, answer them as honestly as you can. Little man may not have any questions today, but I'm sure he will have some for his father later one.

Enjoy the day!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 02/16/19 01:41 PM
Good luck G it will all be fine.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 02/16/19 01:42 PM
You'll be fine G. Just remember that 5 year olds have the attention span of a house-fly and unless a big deal is made of things he'll probably be more interested in your dog than the fact that his dad has a new friend.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/16/19 03:03 PM
Thank you guys! I know he is going to be so busy playing and jumping with his little friends, it isn't going to dawn on him. Maybe when we come back to the house.

Of course, I get nervous about D11 too. This is just a big a deal for us as it them. I think she will like him. I know he will like her. As long as she doesn't pull this new attitude she has adopted as of late. But she seems pretty excited. I feel for her, because she doesn't know anyone except me at this party and she is shy until she is not. I promised I would jump with her and hang out with her.

It's going to be good.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/17/19 01:39 AM
For those who might be wondering how the kid meet/friends and family meet went.....

Pretty great! D11 at first was worried the place the party was at would be too young for her. Well, she had a freakin ball and so did mommy playing. All of that went well, Every now and then when we would be together he even made an affectionate gesture like rubbing my back or massaging my shoulders.

We went back to the house with and he had ordered a bunch of food. His cousins and their kids came by , his bro, his best friend and his kids..... It was pretty funny because he was so busy he never introduced me to his very close cousin or friend. But we both knew who eachother were. He called me in the kitchen and said " my cousin is mad because I forgot to introduce you guys, I am so sorry" his cousin and I hit it off pretty good and we all talked for a while. Then his best friend introduced himself and we talked for a while. D 11 managed to spend some time with the kids, but she is a hang with adults person and she hung with us for a while. His mom really likes D11 and I got lots of compliments on how well-behaved she is. The really cool part came in the last hour or so when it was me, D11, him, his son, mom and bro and he was opening presents. It was our first time without a bunch of distractions. He had this life sized spiderman balloon that was actually shaped like spiderman and we were all playing with it, but his son and I had a special game going we would tell eachother "look over there" and throw the balloon on eachothers head. His son is seriously adorable.

M even kissed me goodbye where the kids were in the room. One of the reasons why the kid introducing is such a big deal is not only because you aren't sure if you will get along with the kids, but...… seeing the other person interact with their own kids. And oh my. I love him. Overall I think it went great, and I know it was huge for me to meet his child and so many others in his life. I feel so happy, so content, and in so much in love.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 02/17/19 01:45 AM
I've sent it to you outside of here G as a GIF - giant big bear hug. You probably recall it.

You and D11 did good.

All will be fine.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 02/17/19 04:38 AM
Sounds really good G. Hopefully this helps put your mind at ease. I know I would never introduce my girls to anyone unless I thought there was a future.
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 02/17/19 02:49 PM
I am so happy that everything turned out okay. The day sounded simply amazing!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/18/19 11:43 AM
Thank you! ANd for the hug, Andrew. I think it couldn't have gone better, personally. He's son is so stinkin cute. I can see myself falling in love with him too. For sure. Yesterday D 11 and I went to yoga class together and we were by M's house so we went to pick up baby gates for my evil dog to keep him out of the kitchen. His son was being really talkative with me, so maybe he likes me a little, lol. M was explaining to D11 how to put the gates together. We were only there 10 minutes. I have to admit, it is nice to not have to hide around the kids. A little more freedom should be good.


ON the topic of this dog. I may be the most evil person, I love the dog, but I wouldn't have done this over again. I am not sleeping, he is so destructive, I am surprised he hasn't killed himself yet. I don't get sleep. I was up at 5am this morning, after he woke me up 2 other times. I can't go anywhere, I have zero freedom. I can't just go to my cousins house for dinner after work tonight (she lvies around the corner from my work) I have ot go home play with the dog, etc. I have no one to watch the dog when I go away to my dad's for the weekend. I am pricing out dg walkers and sitters and holy crap. I can't afford all of this on top of everything else.

I made a mistake. I feel awful saying it, but I did.

I also decided to stop the gym for a while a because I can't keep up with my life and D11 needs more attention, activities herself, etc. I can go on the weekend and maybe one night a week, but my gym isn't open except for 9am class on Saturday on the weekend. I decnided to do one yoga class with D11 a week. ANd maybe something else. I need ot go easier on my body than crossfit for a while anyways. I love it there, but I can simply not do it all anymore.

Life is a bunch of sacrifices. The gym I need to sacrifice for now, even though it's like my only hobby. My daughter needs me. She needs activities, she needs me to be home and present after work. I am the only one here. And she is always here. So, maybe when I am ready to go back, I can see if I can make myself prepared to do the 5:30am class. But I need my time back after work these days.


That's all. Just figuring out stuff as I go along.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 02/18/19 01:24 PM
I have had two dogs for the last 15 years although one died about 4 months ago. It will never happen again. They are expensive, destructive, and are essentially like little kids. Truthfully I would rather have a cat!

Sounds like things are going well G. Just remember to make time for yourself.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/19/19 12:56 AM
Time for myself I am not doing right now. Kind of stinks. I have to go ahead and rebalance a little. It's been my ongoing challenge for the past 11 years of my life. How to make time for myself and everyone and everything else.

So, my best friend and my cousin seem to be a little hung up on M saying the words "I love you" He did say it back to me, whether he felt like he had to or not, I have no idea. I haven't initiated, he hasn't said anything since. My cousin and friend seem to think he really needs to say it. It really doesn't bother me that he hasn't. We haven't been alone since V day, this weekend wasn't the time to say it, and he doesn't text it. I just find his actions say so much more than those words. He is the most committed bf I have ever had. He has shown me more than anyone else, including my own husband.

Should I be worried? Concerned? Is this a "must" right now? I don't think so. I don't know why people get so hung up on those words. Just looking for some opinions.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 02/19/19 01:35 AM
Well you wouldn’t want him to say it if he didn’t mean it and I am not suggesting that is why he hasn’t said it. I guess I wouldn’t worry about it unless you need the affirmation. I agree that actions speak louder than words. Not that you would do this but I wouldn’t say anything to him
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 02/19/19 01:38 AM
I can speak for myself.....saying it right now would freak me out. How long has he been divorced?
Posted By: DonH Re: change is good - 02/19/19 03:40 AM
I would not push for anything. I don't think the comments I gave to you late last week in text ever got posted here. I can't mind read any better than anyone else so all I can go by is putting myself in Ms shoes - sorta like Joseph. That whole Love ya, need ya thing for me is a step on in the way to I love you. As I said in text I've used it myself in various forms. It's not bad. It's a step on the road and certainly in the right direction. I think your cousin amd friend are picking up on this. Could M have planned not to fully say it and reacted to you. For sure that could be the case but even if it is, again it's not bad. Baby steps that are clearly in the direction you are hoping for. The thing is, any pressure here could be the old one step forward two steps back. Don't risk that. Let him take his pace. The sentiment is real. The whole meeting his son thing is real. It's all good. Don't let your cousin scare you. Yes they may be right deep down but if they are that only means he's not fully there yet. He will be. And when he is he will say it - no matter if that's months weeks or days away. Until then, love ya is better and further along than I really like you.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/19/19 11:07 AM
Oh, I would never ever say anything. I have no need to pressure him to hear stupid words. I much more appreciate the actions in which he shows me. Introducing me to his son. Huge. Inviting me and my daughter back to the house for the family party. huge. Planning a weekend to get away with us and the kids. Huge. ALl indicate love and commitment to me.

I admittedly even have a hard time with the words now. NOt because I don't love him. I've just used them and they have been empty before. When he is ready, he will be ready. Until then, I won't say it. The ball is in his court now. and what he chooses to do with it won't impact anything. He keeps showing it, I keep showing it. That's all we need.
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 02/19/19 02:21 PM
Ginger,

I agree w/the posters...saying the words "I love you" isn't something that I would expect this soon. The foundation for a good relationship starts out as friends and eventually evolves into something more serious. Just like a fine wine...it has to age for quite some time before the final product is tasteful to the palate.

I would continue as you have been, i.e., enjoying what time you spend together and the communications that you have when you are apart. When the time is right, those words will come. Do not allow others to question what you are doing. They aren't the ones walking in your shoes at the moment. Relax, and enjoy what you are doing w/your new man.
Posted By: Cadet Re: change is good - 02/19/19 04:34 PM
Originally Posted by Joseph9
I agree that actions speak louder than words.


THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

All that matters is what his ACTIONS show, I would not worry about the words.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: change is good - 02/19/19 05:12 PM
Actions speak louder than words. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And, as I always say, everyone is different. Just because he isn't saying it doesn't mean he isn't feeling it. There could be a myriad of reasons why he hasn't put it into those words, but he seems to be showing you over and over and over again. While you trust your friends and cousin, I wouldn't put too much stock into their opinion on this one.....unless YOU are of the mind that he needs to be saying it. But, if you are truly ok with the fact that he is showing it more than saying it, I'd say just relax and bask in the glow of a lovely relationship.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/19/19 11:43 PM
Thanks guys. I really do not need to hear it. I have heard it from 2 other men in my life and it's been lip service. ANd when I felt the "need" to hear it, it was because I wasn't feeling it from them. ANd I feel it and it's much better than hearing it. I think I really am going to bask in that glow.

We were texting today (it's his son's actual birthday) and I said something to the effect of how much I enjoyed seeing them together and him in dad mode. He said to me that seeing D11 makes him feel like he could see what I was like when I was a kid. I told him I would take that as a compliment. He said "she's a super smart, well-mannered beautiful young lady, so yes, a compliment" Melt my heart. I won't see him until this weekend but I can't wait. I was going to have my dad and stepmom come and meet him, but my dad is having awful back problems and doesn't think he is going to be able to make it. But we haven't had a weekend without me working or kids in a while, so I hope we can have a nice late night out together and sleep in.


Things really couldn't be any better. ANd it felt so nice being around his family and friends was just awesome. I've mentioned how I have like no family and felt nice being around his. His mom I think likes me. I imagine I must seem like an angel compared to his evil ex wife, lol. The crazy B tried to physically attack his mom!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 02/24/19 04:49 PM
I've been so crazy busy losing my mind lately. Those of you who saw my FB know my dog got into some trouble and kept me up since 2am fri night. But I did get to go out to dinner with a friend Friday night. I realized how much I needed to see my friends. I wasn't going to go and just sleep, but I am so happy I went. Fri, I got to see another friend I hadn't seen since September yesterday and we had a good time catching up. Then M and I had a GREAT date night which we were overdue for. We had a late dinner at a very nice Italian restaraunt. Then we went to a bar down the street with a band and actually stayed out until 1am! Big deal for us, lol. This morning we slept in until 10, just in and out of sleep this morning. He gave me the strength to let the dog cry it out in the crate. I had been dying to sleep in and with him it was so so so good. He may come back over for dinner tonight. AND, he initiated the "love you" when he left this morning. I hadn't said it since and figured I would just give him the chance to do it at his own pace and he did. Things couldn't be better between us. AT dinner, my friend said she is so happy to hear that I am finally in a real relationship. I am too. Too many half-arsed weird situations I put myself in. I love our pace and our R.


I need to do a whole bunch of stuff today, but sitting on the couch with my dog who is sleeping is so much better.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 02/24/19 09:49 PM
What a lovely update Ginger. Proving that not forcing things makes it all the better when it happens on it's own. Then you know it's real.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: change is good - 02/25/19 03:23 PM
So glad things are progressing so well for you, G. Congrats! I'm happy for you.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/02/19 01:28 PM
Thanks guys. I can't believe I am in a real relationship sometimes. I still get moments of anxiety that he is just going to come out of nowhere and say "nah, I am not interested anymore" but he gives me no indication of that. At this point, there usually is a real reason for ending things. My moments of anxiety are less and less.

Not much to report. We had Wednesday night date night at hot yoga, then he came over with sushi and he stayed over. I told him yesterday that I think it would be a good idea if the 4 of us hung out again before we go away to make his son more comfortable. He said it was a good call and he might come over tomorrow with the kid and dog and we are introducing dogs too. Speaking of dogs, mine still continues to be the spawn of satan causing me to lose my mind and sleep.

I've recognized some differences in our struggles with single parenting that he may not see the way I do. My job is very demanding now and taking a day off or leaving for a sick kid is not all that possible. ON a day this week when we were shorthanded, my load was heavy, I got a call from school saying I had to pick up D11 she had a headache and stomach ache and a 99.2 temp. Normally, a 99.2 temp does not constitiue a pick up but there has been a flu epidemic at school and she was in the home of someone who tested positive. she was at her dads the night before and I was a little p1ssed I was getting a call an hour after she was dropped off. Long story short, she wasn't really sick, I had to rush out of work, pick her up (and her friend) and just drop her off at home and go back to work with a very heavy patient load.

I have changed jobs a bunch of times to make sure I have one that allows me to be with my kid when she is sick and all that stuff because I do not have help. It's me. Now she is older and can stay alone, I didn't have to be so diligent about that. But I sad something about how I wish she would have waited before she goes to the nurse because I know her symptoms subside fast. he says "I would have did what she did, she's a smart girl!" He said he used ot fake illness all the time to not go to school, but his mom never missed work because there were so many aunts and uncles around. I know he was kidding, but the truth is, I don't have that. I never had that. The struggle has been a very real one for the past 11 years that made me leave jobs I loved, take jobs that were horrible fits, because I had no one. I can tell he can't grasp that. He has a forgiving job that allows him to do what he needs, never has him a weekday morning where he has to get to school yet and his mom helps him ALOT. watches hi every friday, picks him up from daycare, stays with him when he is sick.... I had nothing like that and still don't. I never talk about it to him, never complain about it, but it does get a little under my skin. Like he loves snow. Loves loves it. I do not. Why? Because I work in healthcare. Because I had to work no matter what, risked my life a few times in it to get to work and freaked out about who was going to care for my baby when I had to go to work, or when there was no school. Snow meant my life was going to be extra difficult and I was at risk for losing my job.

So, we have some opposite views on certain things that have affected our lives differently. I think we are for the most part respectful of it. He has the struggles of not having his child not as much as he would like and a crazy ex wife. I have the struggles of almost being soley in charge of my daughter with little to no help. 2 different struggles. I admit it got under my skin a little when he doesn't really recognize how something that seems little and a joke to him could cause havoc for me and he makes some comments about it. But that's just me being sensitive to a struggle that really only I understand because I live it and he doesn't. so I don't get p1ssy about it. I post it here. I'm sure sometimes he might get resentful if I mention I could use a break one night because the kiddo was making me nutso. I try never to say that around him, because I know how dearly he wishes he had his child as much as I have mine.


Lots of rambling there. It was the first times something hit a nerve, and I thought I would write it out and explore it. And in the end, I was being overly sensitive I realize. I did say to him when he said D11 was smart I would have done the same thing, "I respectfully disagree, this momma has to keep her new job!" But that's it.


ANyways it's snowing here and I am so to go visit my dad and stepmom for the St. Paddy's day parade we won't make. It's a bit of a trip, but they want us to come and D11 reallyw ants us to come,s o as soon as the roads get better, we will leave. exH is taking the dog for the night and I am looking forward to a night without the dog!

Lord help me.
Posted By: JujuB Re: change is good - 03/02/19 02:34 PM
Just want to say I get it..even if I’m not going through what you are. I would have been fired long ago, if it were not for my mom. It is really hard to account for a child’s sick and vacation and half days when you need to work. We have a similar snow policy, that doesn’t really apply to my profession cause we are not critical care but we have to abide by it cause the nurses do and it [censored]. I sometimes end up just getting docked a day of pay but I hate it. I ended up taking on homecares to supplement cause of the flexibility but as I’m sure you know they end up being more work with documenting. It is a complete blessing to have majority of custody and I would never ever trade it in for anything. But the sacrifices are there and certainly not recognized by the courts or laws regarding child support and perhaps family rights in general.

The good thing is you are conscious and aware and sensitive to the differences and perspectives between you and M. He is really lucky to have met you btw. You are a great mom!!!!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/04/19 12:48 AM
Juju, thank you! I likewise agree that you are An incredible mom. The love you have for your son is palpable.

This weekend D11 and I had a great weekend. We went to my dads yesterday and we came home today. The ex took the dog. The dog was not good the whole time and had him up at 4:40am. However, you could kind of tell he likes the dog .

Then today M came over with his son and dog. The dogs were funny as heck. We all got a kick out of it. Coolest part of it all: his son had a lot of fun and was just real comfortable real fast. And remembered the game we played when he would say “look over there” D11asked if they were staying for dinner and his son was like “yeah dad, can we stay for dinner???” ( they couldn’t because they had to get the dog home and the kid back to mom) I said they could definitely come over for dinner one night soon and he was excited. M finaly told him about our trip together and he is excited. The 6 of us had a very nice visit. When you introduce dogs , you know it’s serious, lol. M told me this morning that he was way more nervous to meet D11 than before our first date. He is so cute. So far, so good on the scariest part of it all, the kid meetings. And the dog meeting.

It’s snowing heavily here again. Happy March! Delayed opening for school again! Tomorrow is my busiest day at work then we have back to back dentist appointments. Fun. I work this weekend. Blech. I have off Thursday and I am going to meet up with my friend for lunch. The ex is going away in a week, then I’ve got the kid for 2 weeks straight. The good thing is I can spend time with D11 and M at the same time now.

Things are good.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 03/04/19 12:59 AM
Good for you G....I am glad you are feeling really positive!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: change is good - 03/04/19 03:01 PM
I'm so glad you are in a good place.
Posted By: Fogg Re: change is good - 03/04/19 05:36 PM
Ginger,

I think its great you're looking at the differences in you and M's circumstances and doing your best not to let comments make you resentful. Most people cant, or just wont, see the perspective of another and that really can cause conflict.

I'm not in the exact same position as either of you but I can empathize with both feelings as I experience swings in both directions occasionally. Typically I have my kids for 4 nights a week, whole weekend and Thursday/Friday night, so most of my life is kids, work and school. Then occasionally there are times I don't see them for 4 or 5 days in a row or even longer if I have the rare work trip, and its then when I can have a difficult time coping with the distance. Point being, I'm usually fine with either scenario and look for the positives but there are times I really need a break from them and then others I really miss them.

The negatives of each scenario can such, one being totally stressed out and needing some space and the other more a deep depression/sadness. That being said if I had to choose between either extreme feeling I would choose the stress every time.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/04/19 11:09 PM
Thank you, things are going well. And I think it really is important to realize we all have different struggles unique to our own ditches. And being a divorced parent has a lot of extra caveats and emotions.


D11 said something that struck me yesterday. She’s nosy and looks at my texts. She said she noticed M always says good morning and goodnight and asks how my day is going. She said that’s so very sweet of him. I told her yes it is, and I do the same with him, that’s how couples should treat each other. She agreed with that. I am happy to have a chance to show her what a reciprocal and kind relationship looks like and I’m glad my guy knows how to treat others, especially his woman.
Posted By: DonH Re: change is good - 03/04/19 11:35 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
D11 said something that struck me yesterday. She’s nosy and looks at my texts.


Are you kidding me?????? What in the heck is any 11 year old doing reading their parents text messages? It should be the other way around! What if she saw something she really should not see - and I'm not even talking sexts or such, I'm talking boundaries Ginger. I know you have a wise beyond her years child but she is STILL A CHILD - a child badly in need of more boundaries - especially the way you say she's been acting lately. Her snooping on her mother needs to stop Ginger - it really does.
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 03/04/19 11:42 PM
I agree - you need a passcode on that phone.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/05/19 12:19 AM
She leans over and looks, she doesn’t have access to my phone. And when a text comes up, even when the screen is locked so does the message.

My daughter does open my phone and read my texts. Sorry if that came across wrong
Posted By: Twofeet Re: change is good - 03/05/19 12:32 AM
My rule of thumb is to never say anything in a text you wouldn't want read if the messages were subpoenaed.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 03/05/19 01:43 AM
Well hopefully mine doesnt read what the dr sends me..............bahaaaaaaaa!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/05/19 12:51 PM
I watch what I text. I have quite firm boundaries and she would be in lots of trouble if she ever opened my phone and went through my texts. But she does look over my shoulder. So we keep it generally clean.
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 03/05/19 01:18 PM
Ginger,

You do need to set a boundary w/your daughter about your privacy, i.e., phone. She shouldn't be looking over your shoulder at what you are receiving and/or texting. The only time she should be looking at your phone is if you have something that you want to show her.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: change is good - 03/05/19 02:04 PM
G,

I agree with what everyone else before me said about boundaries. I do think that you have set some boundaries for your daughter, but this privacy one needs to be a hard, reinforced boundary. Not only for your sake, but for hers. She's getting older and hitting those dreaded teenage years and while you, as the parent, have every right to "snoop" on her, she would not be overly excited for you to be reading her texts over her shoulder, so she needs to learn now that is inappropriate for any reason. As for messages coming up on the lock screen, she shouldn't be reading those either, whether she is looking over your shoulder or picking up your phone when you aren't looking and reading them. That is way too much into your adult, private business.

Having said all that, though, I get where you are coming from. My daughters were all very nosy about their dad's phone and would just randomly pick it up and go through it and he would let them because his thing was that he "had nothing to hide". I tried repeatedly to explain to him that it wasn't about having something to hide, but that it was a respect thing. Of course, despite the fact that the girls went through his phone whenever they d@mn well felt like it, he got mad and actually yelled at me one time because he was in his "man cave" doing something on his computer and he got a text on his phone which he'd left in the living room, so I picked it up and walked down the hall to hand it to him and he lost his sh!t, accusing me of reading his texts and invading his privacy. Uh what????? First of all, I didn't even look at the screen, just heard the sound of the incoming text and picked it up and walked it straight to him and second of all, how is me picking up your phone invading your privacy when your girls sitting right in front of your face reading every text you sent and received NOT invading your privacy? On the other hand, they never did that with mine so I don't know if it was just that he never set/reinforced that boundary or what. They were the same way with their mom's phone...would read hers whenever, until one of them saw sexts between her and her man (whom they all hated at that time) and then they promptly stopped reading hers.

My best friend also has the same issue with his daughter who is now almost 20 years old. She will just randomly pick up his phone and go through it. He told me one time that I shouldn't send him any naked pics because she would see them. LOL Not that I planned on sending him any but I did appreciate the heads up. I told him that wasn't good that she had complete access to his phone like that, but he just kind of shrugged it off like what could he do about it. Uh, set boundaries!

You are such a great mom and have a lovely daughter. You are so doing SO SO many things right by her and she is going to be a well-adjusted productive adult, thanks mainly to your influence. You have shown her how to be strong and how to work for what you want. So, it's ok to have some very hard, strict boundaries and to enforce them. Just remind her that her time is coming when you'll be reading over her shoulder. wink
Posted By: JujuB Re: change is good - 03/05/19 02:38 PM
These are great points...The other day, my son was playing with his video game and I came on this forum. My son looked at my phone and started saying over and over “divorce busting? Divorce busting? Mommy what’s divorce busting” and laughing.... And I’m thinking great, he’s gonna repeat this to his dad or ex mil. I tried to tell him it said ghostbusting. But he didn’t fall for it.

A few lessons
1. I am gonna have to establish privacy boundaries with him for when I’m on my phone.
2. I need to be on my phone less.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 03/05/19 02:47 PM
Just a slightly different take on this Ginger.

I think that it's fabulous that you have such an open and honest relationship with D11. If you two hadn't been a dynamic duo team you wouldn't have the solid relationship now that you've got. A big part of that is respect. And yes - part of respect is boundaries as others have said.

Right now in some ways, this is an exciting game for you both. Given what I'm going through right now, I fully understand that. You're excited and happy and she's excited. As as a team, you want to share that excitement.

Now my situation is different in that first off, it's fresher and secondly, I don't know one way or another what S24 thinks about it. I respect him though - and his stated wishes - by not exposing him to messages between B and I, nor other than general scheduling, what we get up to. Generally they are bland about our days but they do get in to some fairly mushy parts when we sign off. Nothing that would shock her mother, but as you would say when you were young - "gag me with a spoon - fer shur" blush

So - last night while making my lunch and chatting with him, my phone went "bing". He could have looked and didn't. But to respect him, I picked it up, glanced at the message and then set it aside. Finished what we were talking about and then responded which he saw me do but wasn't part of.

Where I'm going in my usual rambling round-about way is that maybe it is time to have a chat with D11 about privacy. Tell her honestly that there may well be things on your phone that might "gross her out". Let her know that you want her to learn to be careful with communicating with people because even friends can sometimes pass on things that are private and so you'll need to protect her by being able to see some of her stuff.

I know that my own D26 when she was around D16 embarked on some very risky online activities and was horrified when her dear ole' Dad printed out transcripts and left them on the kitchen table after talking to her mother about them. She - eventually - learned her lesson.

It's not about having secrets. It's about respecting people's personal space.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/06/19 12:00 AM
I thought I was bringing up something positive! I guess not.

The child has boundaries. But like any child, she tests them and crosses them. But I guarantee you when she does, she gets a lesson in why what she did was wrong. She’s gotten the speech on privacy many times over. But when my kid wants to know something , she does her best to find out. And suffers the repercussions when she does .

She also knows as a parent I reserve every right to look through her messages when she throws privacy back in my face. I’ve got it handled, I promise she doesn’t just get away with this stuff.

But yes, we have an open and honest R when age appropriate. I make sure she feels included, especially in areas where she might be excited, or may even feel powerless over. But it is always in an age appropriate manner.

Today she crossed my boundaries with some pretty bad back talk and defiance. And she has been punished. Which included no phone unless she is at school. So I texted her father that if he needs to reach her, he will have to use my phone. And get ready for this: he asked why and I told him. Then he asked if he could help in anyway. I told him appreciated the offer, but there wasn’t much he could do from there. He said then apologized for the stress. We joked about the teen years and I made a joke about needing to buy a vineyard to get through them. He said he will bring me back some wine from Italy.

The saddest happiest thing about this exchange. Might have been the first time in our lives he validated my feeling and offered to help instead of berating me. It wasn’t probably the nicest most adult exchange we have had.

I am truly in need of a vacation away from from the child and dog. I admit it. But instead my ex is going away for 2 weeks, I work my last weekend without her for a while and won’t be getting me time for a while. When I really need it. I’ll survive though.

M and I are having another hot yoga, snuggle date tomorrow night. It’s just what a Wednesday night calls for
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 03/06/19 12:05 AM
Sounds like you need some Netflix and chill time.........bahaaaaaaaa
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/06/19 12:14 AM
You have no idea J. Last Wednesday was great. Hot yoga, sushi, a little vape, and sexy time. I was jello. Plan on repeating tomorrow.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 03/06/19 12:26 AM
Lol!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 03/06/19 11:19 AM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I thought I was bringing up something positive! I guess not.
You're saying that people here take something innocent and innocuous that we post, blow it all out of proportion and go on lengthy rants about how we're horrible people??? Say it's not so!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 03/06/19 11:33 AM
Bahaaaa.....welcome to my world G! Just stick to the vape smile
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 03/06/19 05:17 PM
Hey girl -
I know on some level you always worry about your mother's history of mental illness and whether your daughter might be affected when she's older. Just a reminder there is some pretty good research on using fish oil in teens at high risk of developing schizophrenia dramatically reducing the incidence of them developing the disease. My best friend, who has mental illness in her family, gives fish oil to her teenage son for just this reason. (Her aunt was in a mental institution and her sister is schizo-affective.) It's a simple and safe intervention.

(And I know your mom wasn't schizophrenic but so many forms of mental illness seem to be related to the same family of genes). (And I'm not suggesting your daughter's adolescent behavior is any kind of sign , I just know it's an issue of concern for you.)
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/06/19 11:14 PM
Hahahah! But that never happens here!! I know it was all said with good intention. I am waiting for someone to say something about my marijuana usage too!!!

Luckily, thank god, my daughter shows no signs of either one of our mother’s mental disorders . I always watch closely, but she shows nothing except for that need to know everything, but that’s her personality trait.

M and I both got screwed with work today. He has been getting out 2 or 3, but today he got stuck in the city and is on his way home now. I was rockin’ it at work today and was getting out right on time, almost had my jacket on when a problem arose and it kept me there for another hour. Grrrr. So we both are missing hot yoga, and he won’t be here until after 8.... but he will be here. After Monday, I’ve got D11 for 2 weeks straight. No alone time for us. But maybe I’ll be able to sneak out for a quick date or he could spend some time with us.

Tomorrow I am lunching with a friend on my day off. A “two martini lunch” I had a lot of stuff to catch up on at home, but I need some mommy time
Posted By: uRworthy Re: change is good - 03/08/19 03:36 AM
Hey G. Been following along. You are doing great.

I wanted to say one thing. I worry that you are so afraid of doing or saying something wrong that you feel like you have to stuff some things down.

He said something that ticked you off. It happens. It is ok to say, "I know you and and I are in different
situations regarding our kids and so sometimes that makes it hard to understand the other person's point of view at times. I feel like you were judging me regarding my daughter and my feelings regarding having to deal with her being sick at school. Here's what I was thinking and feeling."

It is ok to disagree with him, to feel differently about something and to get a little upset by something he says when it stings some.

Dont lose you, G. We both know how that winds up. If you have to walk on eggshells at any time...not good. Just ask my R. No eggshell walking here....poor guy.

Love and miss you a lot.
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 03/08/19 02:38 PM
Ginger,

I always love the sage advice that uRworthy provides to you. She is absolutely right! If you don't agree w/something he says or does, then you need to let him know...otherwise, he will not know what you are thinking. Harboring/stuffing those feelings is not healthy and at some point, those feelings will bubble up and you will need to let them out in frustration. It's best to tell him at the time the issue arises. He will respect you for your viewpoints.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/12/19 12:14 PM
My lovely dog chewed through my computer charger (and my vacuum charger) and I have only been able to post on my phone which I hate doing. I am D11's Mac book. I am off today, yay, I worked all weekend. I was covering the ER at work, so I can see every patient in the ER. FF's sister was there. I was glad she wasn't admitted as obs and they had her in a different section I don't have to go in. That would have been awkward. She got to go home, which is good for her.

Saturday night M and I went out and had some fun. I only got to see him then because of work. But we really did have good time. He has been saying "I love you" much more and he seems much more comfortable saying it. He says it when he says goodbye and when he says goodnight. And we were joking around about something when we were out the other night and he said " I love you, but no way!!!" I was reading other threads about conversation and connection and the such. Sometimes M and I just have pretty surface convos. Probably more so lately. Work, kids, funny stuff that happened, ect. It's rarely deep deep. We are comfortable with each other. I always thought it had to be so deep, but it doesn't'. More important is the respect we have for each other, how we interact, our morals, values, enjoying our time together, ect. We often make jokes about having kids together. I made my first one the other night. I have green eyes, he has blu gray eyes. I told him if we had babies they would have beautiful eyes. he said "come on, let's go make a baby" I think we both really wish we met each other younger where that would be a possibility where it wouldn't have to be rushed. But we are both very happy to have found each other even if later in life.

We have our trip coming up this weekend. Looking forward to it. However, I have had this horrible awful pain in my hip. It was hurting and then we got a little acrobatic and (sorry, TMI) and I am in so much pain. I can barely bend, I can't pick anything up. I have a slew of prescription anti inflamatories, none of which worked. I had a 2 hour massage friday night and i ended up in more pain because i was in the same position for too long. I am going to try to get a doctors appointment today. I am falling apart!! I used to be in such good shape. Always had some aches and pains I worked through, but now I feel like I am falling apart. I need some relief before this weekend because i want to enjoy the waterpark and snow tubing.

Ex leaves for italy this week. His father got in a car accident as a passenger and his ankle looked like it was practically ripped off. (ex sent me pictures) some broken ribs too. For as long a i can remember, him and his friend does a friday night dinner at a BYOB. They both drink ALOT. his friend is a lawyer (who came to our wedding and represented the ex in our divorce) he made a left and didn't see the car coming. he was drunk from what ex says.

It'll be me and D11 for the next 2 weeks. I am going to invite M over for dinner with us one night. I have 2 events, one where I can leave D11 alone and one where she will go to my friends house and stay with her kids because we will all be at the same place.

And that's that
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 03/12/19 12:39 PM
Dam G.....as you get older you may need to stick to the more basic positions...:)
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 03/12/19 05:57 PM
Is it hip pain or possibly sciatica?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/15/19 12:28 AM
I haven’t been able to post on a computer, so I’ll settle for my phone.

UR- hi!!! And yes, you know me better than most. I still live with a lot of self doubt. Thanks to my ex. It’s not that I’m afraid to disagree. I’m actaully doubting my feelings are valid and I’m being unreasonable. Because anything I felt was always invalidated and I was made to feel awful. I need to get over this. Because I know M wouldn’t think that way or make me feel that way. It’s amazing what kind of scars are left behind. I think if I express something like that I am “wrong” and “complaining” . I am scared to have any negative feelings. I’m gonna work on treating myself and allowing myself to feel as I do and being able to express it.

I’ve had to deal with something very very difficult with D11 these past 2 days. She has this group chat with her friends. One of her friends had texted “ you know I suffer from anxiety and depression. People with depression can commit auidice . I need you guys to show me love and appreciation” Then she is texting my daughter on the slide saying mean things about her and telling her that my daughter doesn’t appreciate her. She was at her BFf’s house having fun while I was at hot yoga last night but I picked up a hysterically crying kid. She felt like she needed to fix this. She was hurt. And she thought it was BS and her friend is attention seeking. I told her to shut off her phone immediately. We talked about it a lot. I told her that it was not her burden to be responsible for her friend’s depression. I told her there was nothing to fix and explained how serious it was to mention suicide.

It was on my mind today and I worked with a woman who has 2 middle schoolers. She said I should call the school. I planned on calling the mom but she said it’s bettwr to go to the school. I got the opinion of the other friend and she said the same . So I called the guidance counselor. It was a scary situation in that a depressed 11 year old is talking about suicide and if she didn’t mean it, she was using it to manipulate her friends for attention ( I honestly think that was it) but I HaD to say something. D11 knows I did, and the girl knows it was me too ( I made it anonymous, but she was considering other friends and I didn’t want anyone else incriminated)

I don’t know how badly I harmed my daughters social life. But I couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen if this was serious and I didn’t say anything. And if she is saying g this stuff to manipulate her friends, she needs to know what how wrong that is.

Parenting is HARD. I am so drained. I’m waiting to see if the mom contacts me. Who is so sweet. But I think I did this the right way and the guidance counselor felt I did too.

Bigger kids, bigger problems. This was not easy.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: change is good - 03/15/19 02:13 AM
The question is was that the way Juju's XBF would have handled it...

Good job G! You're a hero! smile
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 03/15/19 09:51 AM
Ginger- It seems to me that you handled a potentially dangerous situation as well as any parent could have. Not having ever been a girl I can't say although I know that my own D faced similar but different peer pressure issues at a similar age that really bothered her.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: change is good - 03/15/19 12:44 PM
I think you handled the situation as best you could. You are right....it is tough, but you did what you had to do to protect your child as well as her friend. I had a similar experience with my youngest daughter when she was 15 regarding her best friend at the time and ultimately, I had to call the girl's mother over something that was going on that I just couldn't sit by and let happen. Of course, the mother was less than nice to me about it and the girl stopped talking to my daughter, but then and now my daughter still tells me it was the right thing to do and she appreciates me saving her friend, even if their friendship was hurt over it. Now, as adults, they have mended that friendship and are as tight as they ever were.

Hang in there, girl. Those teen years will be bumpy, but you and D11 have a lovely relationship and it is clear that you both respect each other. You have raised her to be a good, caring, loving person and you continue to set that example for her. She'll be fine, but I'd be lying if I said that there won't be times when you want to pull every hair out of your head and hers. LOL
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 03/15/19 01:03 PM
You made the right call. It is not your daughter's responsibility to make this girl happy and feel good about herself. If she is truly depressed and talking about suicide, is a warning sign that she needs professional help. Her parents may have just "fluffed" it off and not paid any attention to what their daughter was saying, but, by calling the guidance counselor, the situation was escalated so that everyone becomes aware that there may be a situation brewing.

I feel so bad for your daughter. She didn't need to hear that BS. I'm glad you had a talk w/her about the situation and hopefully she's feeling a bit better today. As for her social life w/the group of friends...it's okay, they will come around and come to realize that this young lady may have been saying the same things to them as well. It's too much of a burden for these kids to handle and they will come to realize that you did the right thing.

As Scarlet O'Hara said, "tomorrow is another day" and w/that comes a new adventure and fires to be put out.

Hang in there!
Posted By: uRworthy Re: change is good - 03/16/19 01:24 PM
Hey G, first of all....you are an amazing mom.. I truly mean that. What a gift you may have given that young girl. I tend to think as you do, that is was for attention, but, what if it wasn't?

We all have to stop being afraid of getting involved. We have become so insulated.

It may be tough for your daughter for a little while, but, look what you showed her. That you are involved in her life and that you helped someone out, and that matters, G. A whole lot.

And as for the scars, I have them, too. Trust me on that. I have to try really hard to push thru it. I am a people pleaser of sorts, and I was made to feel that I was wrong about everything for many years.

So I have to dig deep sometimes to let my feelings and opinions be known. But it is so important and so are you.

Love you, girl. You did good.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/18/19 12:39 AM
What a challenging week. All your sentiments really helped me at a time where I felt like "what the f*ck and I supposed to do?" The day after, I made D11 send me screenshots of the texts. I didn't realize how bad it was until she sent me the texts that were sent to her privately. She was telling my daughter that her friends need to show her she deserves to live because she doesn't feel like she does. How heartbreaking a little girl feels this way.

Here's the rub: this girl was supposed to come over for a sleepover next weekend. She still wants her too, but I don;t know how the mom feels about it. I have to reach out to the mom and I don't even know what to say. I am fine with her being friend's with D11 as long as she isn't trying to manipulate my daughter. But the mom might not be too happy. Or she might be thankful. I don't know.

So, I had my weekend getaway with M and his son and of course D11. You'll never, ever believe how this all started. I was taking a shower an hour before we left and realized one of my worst nightmares has come true. I have breast implants. (I had a deformity I got fixed when I was 22). Well, one of them has apparently leaked/ruptured. They are saline so I am safe..... But here I am, about to go away with my boyfriend and I have to wear a bathing suit and my friggin boob deflated. So I am panicking. I call my bestie of course. I made sure i was safe, which I am, no signs of infection. I told M for the sake of honesty and full disclosure. he was worried about me first, thankfully. We didn't really get to talk about it but this morning he said he only noticed because I pointed it out. What's the hardest part about this? I have to redo them. No choice now. And that is $$$$ I don't have. My dad offered to help me. If I don;t owe on my taxes I have 5k set aside in case I did. I managed to enjoy the weekend and not think too much about it, but it's kind of hard not to. It feels and looks different.

Anyways, to the trip. I had texted M before hand I was going to sneak in a hug and a kiss because I hadn't seen him in a week. He said "please be careful around (my son)". I told him that's why I said "sneak" but I promise to keep my hands to myself. I was slightly put off, because I am very careful. But I told him I understand he might be a little nervous. I decided to leave that ball in his court and I kept my distance. For the most part, once at lunch he rubbed my back at the table, when our kids were on an arcade game he came up behind me and planted a kiss on my neck, this morning when the kids were sleeping I gave him a kiss. Then again at lunch he rubbed my shoulders. When he left my house after he dropped us off, his son actually gave us hugs this time, and I think M and I wanted to hug each other, but he didn't go through with it. It bothered me. But really, I get it, we are easing the kids in and he isn't ready for him to know how we are connected quite yet.

But...... we had lots of fun. Had a ball at the waterpark. Went to dinner, then after dinner we played laser tag and went to the arcade. Today we went snow tubing. Had a great time. We had a snowball fight while waiting on line. His son seems pretty comfortable with us. Our kids get along really well for him being a 5 year old boy, and D11 being an 11 year old girl. His son is pretty adorable and seems to like me and be comfortable around me as well. He even asked his dad if she could come over to our house on tuesday (the next night he is with M). D11 said she would make slime with him. I told him he is invited over anytime. So we planned for maybe next week.

It's a slow build for sure. But perhaps slow and steady wins the race. I hope one day he will be comfortable with his son knowing we are together. Or just not hiding it. But I totally get it, the kid is 5 and this is all new and he is doing what he feels is right for him and his son. Oh, and he questioned my one parenting move this weekend. Respectfully. We had just had a lunch and in the car D11 was asking for a snack she brought. I told her no, not now. He asked me if there was a reason I said no. he asked if it was like an "asserting dominance thing" or if there was a real reason. I told him there was a real reason. My daughter can be food obsessed. Like is planned around meals and snacks, and she gets very obsessive. So I told him I am trying to teach her to let her food digest before she jumps to the snacks. He was like "Oh, ok, I totally get that". So, I respected that he was asking instead of judging straight out.

We did have a great time. I have a very busy, confusing week coming up. exH is still away gallivanting across italy. Tuesday I have a work dinner, I should be home by 7. D11 is giving me a bit of a hard time. Wednesday night, M and I should be going to yoga. It's the only time we will get to see each other. Thursday I have a dinner tricky tray, and D11 is going with her grandma. It's supposed to be my non-kid weekend, but exH is still away. I was going to ask M over. he was going to help me out with the tree branches that fell, and I am fine with him coming over and watching movie or something. I guess I just miss him. I haven't been able to hug him or talk talk to him, and i just would love some time with him. But i guess I gotta wait. Also, I have to see the plastic surgeon this week. I reached out to the plastic surgeon who did my original surgery. I am worried that fame has blown up his prices (he did the real house wives of NJ) but he is one of the best.

I swear, there is a never dull moment. My friends always say if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen to me (the crazy stuff, like a boob popping)
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/19/19 01:23 AM
Well, me and M’s first test has come about and I can’t stop crying.

I got an appointment with my plastic surgeon today and I have to have surgery within 3-4 weeks. Having surgery every year stinks enough as it is, but when it might cost 10k that you don’t have? Well, that adds stress. We discussed my options and either way it’s aurgery, now or later. If it’s not now, I need to get the other one drained in the office, but survey is inevitable either way.

I’m pretty stressed. I shared the verdict with M and he was pretty distant about it. Long story short is he is kind of traumatized from his ex’s breast cancer surgery. He alogizex for being skittish about it. I said I hope it doesn’t change the wY he feels about me. He says he feels scared for me. I validated all his feelings and told him I wouldn’t talk about it and give him space to process it. I told him just know I love him and he’s been silent since .

I can’t atop crying. I’m so emotionally drained. It was enough for me to deal with it but now he made it about him. And he’s distanced himself from me, leaving me here to wonder if he is going to run away from this.

While is trying to say some supportive things, I feel I supported and again, left to worry about my surgery affects someone else.

I have no control over this. There is nothing I can do about it. I didn’t want or need this. I never wanted the deformity and now I am paying for fixing it.

I have been feeling awful about my body and health and let me tell you, a deflated boob doesn’t help.

I just pray he comes around with this and doesn’t run. I told him I’m only going to be down a long weekend and I have my dad and stepmother taking me and helping me and he could be minimally involved. He certainly didn’t argue that one.

I am the type of person who support the one I love through everything no matter what and put myself aside. I guess this will be a test of if he feels the same way about me.

There don, our first real test. Let’s see if we have something significant enough to survive it
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/19/19 01:32 AM
Sorry for all the typos, phone andctears. But you get the drift. I pray that the reason he feels scared for me and is acting like this is because he actually truly loves me.
Posted By: Twofeet Re: change is good - 03/19/19 01:40 AM
Sorry G I don't know your whole backstory, just what I have read since I moved over here post-D. So if you have mentioned it and I missed it I am sorry. What is the point of the plastic surgeon visit? Mastectomy, repair, breast cancer, boob job gone wrong? I am just trying to understand the context to your dilemma.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/19/19 01:50 AM
When I was 22 I had breast augmentation for a deformity. I couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror and I decided to do something about it. I saved my own money and I had it done. Best decision I made for myself I never regret it.

Luck have it, Saturday morning when I was showering to leave for our first weekend away with the kids I noticed that one had leaked/ ruptured ( of course we were going to a waterpark too and I had to wear a bathing suit....)

I have to get them removed /redone. No choice. But I guess it’s too much for him with what he went through with his ex. He’s scared for me. He’s got some trauma. But there really isn’t much I can do than uninvolve hiM.
Posted By: Twofeet Re: change is good - 03/19/19 01:58 AM
Well I am glad for your sake it's not cancer, though serious nonetheless. It sounds like he has some issues to work through, and I am not experienced in this realm to give advice. However, I hope you two can work through this issue and it strengthens your R.
Posted By: Coconut Re: change is good - 03/19/19 02:00 AM
G, I can’t imagine how hard it is to have to deal with all that, it’s not something you could do anything about but you are having to shell out the cost to do something about it.. I’m sorry to hear that is happening right now, just trustthat it will work itself out. As for M, try not to put expectations on how he should react, instead just see how he reacts, it will show you how he handles himself, and more importantly you, in the tough times.. you’ve often said how you wasted so much time with your ex, this is an opportunity to see how M is and if HE (not you) is good enough.

On the bright side, I started reading halfway through your post for some reason and thought you may have breast cancer, so even the worst outcome is better than the best outcome of that scenario.. chin up girl, you got this.
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 03/19/19 02:30 AM
My advice - don't borrow trouble. You're making an ASSumption about how supportive he will or won't be but you don't have enough information yet.

I'd recommend when the time comes that you make it clear what you would like him to do for you. He'll either step up or not.

But if you play this "I'm strong, I have no needs, you don't have to do anything for me" schtick, you'll never know whether he's capable of giving you what you want or not.Give him the opportunity to step up.

Sure, I get that he might have a little PTSD about boob health. But if he can't get over that to give you the support you need and deserve, then better to find out now.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 03/19/19 10:07 AM
(((Ginger))) - I'm sorry that this has been dumped on top of you. YOU - I know can deal with this. But yeah - the money part, and triggering M.

Remember though - he's a giver. I expect that he'd be happy to help in anything not directly boob related. Looking after the purse devouring monster perhaps. And - I hate to say this and am watching closely in my own situation - nothing money related. Us knights in battered armour often get dragged in to save damsels. Always willingly, but once you've been tossed aside by a damsel who has used you up, you get skittish. It happened to me more than once pre-marriage.

You've given him a shock. He's going to need some time to process this and to accept that this is not the same. I don't know how you deal with things. For me, it's often humour. Assure him that you won't get balloon animals put in there - unless he finds that sexy laugh

You'll be fine lass. I'm glad that this has happened later rather than sooner. Your friends are all out here for you too.

((G))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/19/19 10:12 AM
Thank you guys. I am very grateful I do not have breast cancer. I know this was cosmetic but many people surgical correct deformities. And even if I did it for the pure reason I wanted bigger boobs, o shouldn’t feel guilty. Personal decision, my money, etc.

Kml, at first I didn’t play the “I’m strong “ role. I asked if he would take care of me post op, he said of course. ( this was the day before) I am not overly concerned about the surgery because I’ve had quite a few, and honestly, this was my easiest. My knee was actually the worst. The recover was very long, I had a complication where I got another survey 9 months later. This is 4 days and I’m back to work. The money hurts me more than anything.

He just distanced himself and seemed unsupportive. Said the right things as far as it must be scary for you blah blah. But I can sense he doesn’t want anything to do with it. He just left me hanging last night knowing I was upset. He made it about him.

I guess we shall see today what he does. Will he reach out to me? Say his usual goodmorning ?Or just ignore me? It’s obvious it’s botherin him a lot. But there is clearly nothing I can do about it.

Well, I guess we will see how much he really loves me. It’s his issue to deal with. I’ll give him the space to do it. But I think it really stinks that I went to bed crying last night.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 03/19/19 12:22 PM
Sorry G....the dr got breast implants for the same reason. Truthfully it is probably a good thing that you and M had the tiff or whatever you call it so you can see how he acts, reacts, processes, etc. I agree it does sound like he made it about him based on what you articulated in your post. I remember last month or so you also commented about him being upset about his hurt back or something and you went into caretaker mode rubbing oils on him etc.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: change is good - 03/19/19 01:18 PM
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I would imagine it must be very difficult and I pray that you find some peace about the whole thing in the coming days.

Originally Posted by Ginger

Thank you guys. I am very grateful I do not have breast cancer. I know this was cosmetic but many people surgical correct deformities. And even if I did it for the pure reason I wanted bigger boobs, o shouldn’t feel guilty. Personal decision, my money, etc.


This stuck out to me big time. Of course you have no reason to feel guilty. Your body, your choice....plain and simple. It doesn't matter why you got the implants and all that matters now is getting them fixed properly. You have done absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

As for M, I think time will tell. I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, but maybe he just needs a "minute" to process what you have shared, especially if he went through breast cancer with his XW. I may be misremembering part of M's story, but wasn't that kind of the beginning of the end for he and XW? And, if I AM remembering that correctly, it would seem logical that he would have a "weird" (to you) reaction.

It has also been my personal experience when dealing with health crises that sometimes people just do not know how to react. My XH had some serious health issues early in our marriage and I was the caretaker, but once his issues were as cleared up as they could be, I had a breast cancer scare and my XH was very cold and distant while I was dealing with that. Some people just aren't made to be a caretaker. It just isn't in their nature. Doesn't make them bad people, just means that isn't their strong suit.

I totally agree with what kml said. Don't assume and be direct in asking for what you need from him. Be specific. Several of the men on our board have mentioned that they prefer someone who is direct, so ask him straight up for what you want him to do. M seems like a good guy, based on your posts, and I'm sorry he's pulled back and distanced himself, but talk to him about it. Don't just assume he's pulled back because it is the first step to ditching you.

You are a strong woman, G, and you'll get through this. I just saw a meme yesterday that reminds me of you and some other strong women I actually know in real life. It said "I'm a strong woman, but sometimes I just want someone to hold my hand, hug me, hold me, and tell me everything is going to be ok." SO SO true!
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 03/19/19 01:28 PM
Ginger,

I am so sorry that you have to have your "boob" surgery, but it's better to get it done as quickly as possible. I know that money is tight for you right now, but, again, better now than later.

As for M, he has a lot to process and it's not "cancer" surgery, but a "deflated boob" surgery. He needs to get over that stigma and realize that this is two entirely different surgeries. Once he sees that you are okay and that you are on the mend, he may come to realize he was a bit foolish in stepping back.

The true test will be when you have surgery and come home. Do not be afraid to ask him to do things for you. He's a giver and if he's the right type of man, he will step in and help you any way that he can. Don't assume anything w/him at this point. He has to think about things for a bit.

Hang in there! We are all here for you.
Posted By: JujuB Re: change is good - 03/19/19 07:59 PM
(((Ginger))) what every one here said.

You need to focus on you and your health not on his reaction or action. That is entirely on him and out of your control. It takes experiences like this to really know what someone is made of. I hope he’s made of the good stuff. But time will tell. In the mean time, lots of self care. Be around people that make you feel good and just take it day by day.

I’m sorry this is affecting your confidence. You are a beautiful person both inside and out.
Posted By: DonH Re: change is good - 03/19/19 08:11 PM
Who would have thought? I mean, really, who thinks of something like this even happening? I mean needing a roof repair or a new furnace or huge car repair or something but a boob blow out and $10K to repair it? And holy crap $10K? That seems high but it's not like I've been shopping in that market or anything. I guess if there is no real danger, I can see how insurance won't cover it, but man who would ever think of something like this?

As for you Ginger, first of all, take a look at the calendar. smile We both know that has at least a bit to do with the intensity of your feelings. I have a bit of a harder time understanding what M's issue is. So his ex W had breast CA, okay I get that. You don't have CA. Yeah, it's the same part of the body, but... huh? Why the PTSD for him? Don't get that at all. Is it something else? Does he have an issue with the fact you did it in the first place? I frankly could understand that more - only because I don't understand this at all.

But, mostly, I have to wonder if you are mostly fearful that you are going to find out his not "perfect" - or beyond that, that he's not "the one." This is mostly gut/guess, but I just wonder if that's not part of it? I mean, I'm surprised you've gone this far without some sort of "issue" or "fight" of some sort. I mean, that's just not life - not typically anyhow. And I don't mean a drama-filled big blow out, just something. My fear is that the old you will want to kick in - the one that does most of the work in the R to keep everything in balance and going well. How could it not? To me it's pretty normal to have happen. I've asked before if you were not overlooking some things, but you never really commented. It's almost like there is more there but you are still sitting on and processing it.

I'm thinking just giving this a little bit of time will have you feeling better. Let's see if he doesn't start to better meet your expectations. I certainly don't see him walking away over something like this. If so, wow, I mean, what would you really be losing. Just don't see it.

Lastly, holy crap girl you're not even 40 yet. You're way too young to be falling apart. smile I totally can relate with that frustration. Let's hope this is the last of it. BTW, do you know how this happened? It wasn't during tubing or something/ Did you fall? Just spontaneous? Clearly not something I'd ever have on my radar. LOL
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/19/19 11:56 PM
You are all very kind. I was really upset last night, and I cried myself to sleep and woke up with the most awful puffy eyes and had to attack another short handed day where I worked my butt off. Around 9am, M texted me "Good Morning!" we kind of acted like nothing happened. Brief banter. We didn't talk about it. At one point, we made tentative plans for him to come over tomorrow, but he still seemed a bit distant. I said "are we ok?" and yes said "yes, why?" I said "just checking, have a nice night with your son" herd nothing since, he should be dropping him off now, but I do not intend to reach out. I think it's me who might need some time to process.

Dawn, you are so right. Sometimes I do need someone to hold MY hand and tell me everything is going to be ok, I may be known to wear my heart on my sleeve, but in many ways, I am not vulnerable at all. I don't let others take care of me, to let them know when I am feeling weak or just not super strong. A flaw on myself. I was coming to the point of letting myself be vulnerable in that way with him. I accept his help, I do ask for help sometimes, and now, when I needed some understanding, I ended up trying to comfort him. J- I am a nurse, and I have that natural care taker thing going on. So when someone isn't feeling good I want to make them feel better. It's natural instinct. I know others do not have that instinct. I know M is very squeamish about things.

What's his PTSD? I am trying to understand it, but i guess maybe because her breast cancer surgery was the beginning of the end of things? It was traumatizing somehow because I asked him if it freaked him out and he said a little and i asked why and his ex's ordeal was what he said.

Again, his problem, not mine, but we all know I like to take on everyone's problems!

I got my quotes today and I wanted to cry. 10K for one way of doing it, almost 15k for the preferable more aesthetically pleasing way. I haven't decided. But I have a tentative surgery date of April 5th. I need to find the money and I pray I can hold onto that 5K and not give it to the government. This is financially devastating to me really having bought a new house in the past 6 months. It's one thing after another with me, it never seems to end, there is always some challenge but this one was no anticipated in any way.

Don, I know he isn't perfect. I don't want him to be. I married a guy who was convinced he was perfect and that was he!!. He isn't walking away. He just isn't someone who would do that. But will he be here for support when it happens? I don't know. I didn't even tell him my surgery date. I'm feeling myself not wanting to and putting my walls of vulnerability back up, I was letting him in where I don't let anyone in. I am taking a step back from that right now.

It's still early for us. We are still learning about each other and how we handle conflict and the tough stuff. It's a test right now.

Thank you, Juju, Like Don said, I am not even 40 and I am falling a part! I had to look at 5 different pictures of naked breasts with one deflated yesterday. I wanted to cry. And because of the one they took of my face that just looks swollen because of the weight gain. I am not myself physically. I am used to be very active and in shape> I feel like I am falling apart. I want to make changes to my diet so bad, but I am so overwhelmed lately, food is giving me comfort and I having a hard time breaking the cycle.

I decided to go to a hosted CEU event with some of my coworkers where there was wine, food, and a CEU. It was nice and I needed to get my mind off things. D11 is actually with the friend who I had to report regarding the suicide. Her mom is about to drop D11 off. I haven't talked to her and I am nervous about facing her. This girls is supposed to come to my house for a sleepover saturday nigh. I hope everything goes smoothy and I am making the right decision.

I've got so much going on. I really need a break from it all. Not this upcoming weekend, but the following is the bereft in AC with my girls. I need it very badly. I can't wait. My one friend is making us hilarious T shirts.

I'll handle this all. There is nothing I haven't been able to handle yet, and lord knows I have had some challenges placed in front of me.
Posted By: JujuB Re: change is good - 03/20/19 12:30 AM
Money comes and it goes. This is your health. It’s not just cosmetic. There’s a leak right? That sounds serious. Can it be written up in a way that insurance pays for a portion? Can some of it go under flex spending?

I think with M. Maybe just continue to act as if. We can’t mind read what his issues are or if there even are any issues.

Regarding daughters friend’s mom... does she even know it was you that said something? Usually the teachers keep that confidential. If my son was talking about suicide, I would be grateful that a parent stepped up and warned myself or appropriate adults about it. My guess is that she feels uncomfortable and is worried about your thoughts and hopefully worried about her daughter and getting her some help.

You will get through this. A temporary set back and then you can get back to your old self.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 03/20/19 01:16 AM
Makes sense G...just ensure that when you need it he is there for you as well.
Posted By: LH19 Re: change is good - 03/20/19 01:42 PM
G,

I am really sorry you are going through this right now. Nothing every comes easy to you but you are always able to push through. Take care of yourself.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/20/19 03:51 PM
I’m slammed at work. But very briefly.

It’s not the surgery.

The trip made things very real for him and he’s freaking out a bit. He said he tends to overthink when it comes to his son.

I asked him if there was something in particular that made him overthink. That I thought the trip went very well. He said the trip did go well and nothing happened. It’s all very new to him and he is treading lightly .
I asked him what he needs from me. He told me to understand that he needs to go slowly. Which he said I’ve been amazing with.

My feelings on this are soon to come. But wow. I can’t keep taking the hits anymore. I’m tired.
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 03/20/19 06:50 PM
Let me ask you a question - how would you feel if this relationship just stayed an adult dating relationship? That is, no involving the kids, no marriage, just a monogamous dating relationship that didn't involve the children? Could you handle that?

I mean - you have a lot that you like in the relationship. But I think that moving too fast forward into blended family territory may not benefit either of you. I know you seek the validation of that, but if you got what you wanted (him living with you in a blended family) you might find it's not all it's cracked up to be. You might find you don't want to share parenting decisions about your daughter and being a step-parent where a difficult ex is involved might not be as fun as you imagine.

So I ask you to consider - what would be so bad about just having a steady monogamous boyfriend that you see on a regular basis, but don't actually involve your children in the relationship?
Posted By: job Re: change is good - 03/20/19 07:22 PM
Ginger,

Please start a new thread and link link this thread to your new one. I'll like your new one to this one for you since I have now locked the thread. Thanks!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: change is good - 03/20/19 07:42 PM
I would not be ok with that. My daughter is a huge part of my life. And his son is a Big part of his. I am special enough and my daughter is special enough to be a I don’t want to live two separate ones. I could live in two separate houses for a long long time but I want to be able to be a part of each other’s lives.

I’m sort of baffled. Our kids get along great, his son couldn’t stop talking about my daughter. He wanted to come over on his dads night .

And I think that might be it. Sharing his limited time with his son. Maybe he wants him all to himself and not have to share the time they have together?

Everyone had fun. He admits to that. I don’t know what it is. Maybe he thinks I’m not a good mom? I really don’t know.

When sh!t starts to get real, that’s wheb every guy has run.

I’m hoping he doesn’t. But I did say I need to know that even if we go slow, we are in this together . And he said “I’m here sweetie 😘”

Well, this is all been over text. And now I think we really need to sit down and have a true R talk. Only we can’t see each other until next week. My ex is galavanting around Italy .

This is just too much for once. This is why I always wait for the other shoe to drop. In this case, i waited until the other boob popped.
Thank god I still have my sense of humor
Posted By: AndrewP Re: change is good - 03/20/19 07:49 PM
Ginger - it sounds like you've got a over-thinker - I can see small echos of me. I do think that talking this out will be good as long as you don't do the "we need to talk" speech. But you know that already. The "I'm having a tough time figuring out" might be a better approach. Then he can help you understand - says the fixer here.

Even though you are doing your best with taking things slow and smoothly - speed is a very relative thing. A new relationship can be overwhelming and difficult. I don't recall but I think you are the first one for him that has ever gotten any traction.

PS - I still think that the balloon animal boob idea could be a winner laugh
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: change is good - 03/20/19 07:58 PM
Gosh G I don't really understand what the big deal is. His son is like 3 right???? I mean if you guys don't work out long term his son will likely never remember you 30 years down the road. Even if I wait 6 months and intro the DR to my girls there is still no guarantee that it would work either.

IMO it is more about him and being in a R that is getting serious than anything else.

I am not saying he is going to bail but if this is his first time I can understand where he is coming from as I have felt the same about the DR.
Posted By: kml Re: change is good - 03/20/19 09:15 PM
Quote
Well, this is all been over text. And now I think we really need to sit down and have a true R talk.


Please no.

You've only been dating for what, six months?
So far everything has gone just fine, I really think trying to push for some kind of commitment to a future whatever is a bad idea. I get a pit in my stomach when you say "relationship talk".

I know how badly you want to be married again to be validated but don't let the stink of desperation sink what has been, so far, a good relationship.

I think, so long as he still feels he needs to lie to his son about the nature of your relationship, you shouldn't be spending time with his kid. (Now, whether that's because he doesn't think his kid could handle it, or because he's afraid of further fallout with his ex if she finds out, who knows, but I would just leave the kids out of the relationship for now. Your daughter does NOT need to become attached to this guy and his kid until it's really clear that this is a forever thing. 6 months was a MINIMUM waiting time for them to meet but it could be wise to wait a lot longer.)

Don't jump to conclusions about what he is or isn't ready to do or about how he will or won't help you with your surgery. Just tell him what you need from him in regards to surgery and refrain from planning any more kids-involved activities for now.
Posted By: uRworthy Re: change is good - 03/20/19 10:14 PM
Hey my friend. So sorry you are going thru yet another freakin thing.

So..health first..above all else. The money part sux..been there...still there.. LOL! But you are young and resourceful so you will be ok on that front.

As far as M...A few things. The first thing being that we can't decide how someone should act, right? I mean, we know how we would act and would want someone to act similarly, but, it doesnt work that way. We are all different with different experiences and personalities

You had an expectation and he didnt meet it and you freaked a little bit. We learned about expectations during our journey, though.

Would it have been nice if he bundled you up in his arms and told you it was going to be ok and he would be there for you? Yep. Because he didnt, does that mean he failed? I dont believe so.

When I was having my hip redone, R took me to the hospital...and then he was going to leave. I said, "What?" "Dont you want to know if I am ok afterwards? I was really upset. We had been together 2 and a half years at that point.

After talking about it for a bit, it came out that he felt my sister was there and that was who I wanted. Assumptions on his part for sure. His whole family could have been there if he was hospitalized and nothing would have kept me away. He didnt really come often to see me at my sister's while I recouped either.

I am not going to lie, my feelings were hurt. Through conversations I realized that he felt that my sister and my son were there and I didnt really need him. He also was really scared about losing me.

I thought about it all for a long time and I realized this. ..Just because he didnt act as I would doesnt mean he doesnt love me. He shows that he does in a million different ways. He has stepped up when I struggle.

I learned this... I know his life experiences, his personality and his feelings are his. How they manifest themselves in life is something I cant control. He is who he is...I am who I am. How I act is not some certain standard by which everyone needs to act. I can just be in control of my actions.

But I will admit that I had to think about what would happen if something serious were to happen to me. Would he be there for me? I had to have that conversation with him because it mattered to me. I felt assured he would be, but, have nothing but faith as a guarantee. I would have to decide at that time what to do.

So...right now M is having a hard time with all of this. Nothing wrong with you telling him what you need. You cant control how he reacts, though. You can only control your reaction to it. But clearly, if he walks away because of this..probably not someone who is worthy of you.


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