Selfishly, I'm glad you are still here. I love reading your posts and think you are a very interesting and lovely man. I so wish I could "meet" you IRL so that we might chat occasionally because I think that you have a lot of wisdom to impart.
I love what you said about "Sunday Supper" being a place. I couldn't agree more. My dad is one of 6 kids and when we were kids, we would always go to his parent's house (my grandparents) for lunch on Sunday along with all of his siblings and their kids. It was a big, loud, rowdy potluck meal with all sorts of dishes that may or may not have any rhyme or reason to each other. My grandmother was a fabulous cook and she always made the greatest mashed potatoes in the world, garden-fresh string beans and she always had several baked goods. Almost always an apple pie, which was my dad's favorite. She also made homemade German chocolate cake, pineapple upside down cake in an old cast iron skillet that had seen better days and peach cobbler made from the peaches that grew on the trees in her back yard. Lord have mercy it was a feast fit for a redneck king and queen. But, even better that the food was the conversation, the family unity. Somehow all of my dad's siblings, except my dad, have some sort of musical ability, so they would get out instruments and we would all sit around and sing while they played guitar, banjo, spoons (not just a card game, but also a percussion instrument
). You know, from reading my posts, that I'm a huge music fan and listen to music much of the day. I have eclectic musical tastes ranging from hard rock to bluegrass to jazz and classical. Your post made me think of a song that I absolutely love. "Sunday in the South" by Shenandoah. It is an old song....late '80s or early '90s but it is just exactly what you are talking about and it always makes me think of those Sunday lunches at my grandparent's house and how they shaped my love of my family as it is today. Look it up on youtube and give it a listen and see if it doesn't invoke that nostalgia that you are speaking of.
I know I have said this here before and I kind of feel like I'm in the minority when I say it, but I do honestly believe there is someone for everyone on this planet. I think that there is a lovely lady out there who is the perfect fit for you and I know when the timing is right you will find each other. I'm not a particularly religious person and I'm not trying to spout religion here, but I do think that God has a master plan for everyone and that plan definitely happens on HIS timeline, not ours.
I wish nothing but the best for you, Andrew, and hope you find that special lady. In the meantime, I'm glad you are still here posting because it just wouldn't be the same without you.
Glad your still here as well, although i always wind up hungry when i read your posts.
Posting here to get it off my chest / mind.
I'm really worried about CL - she messaged me this morning just briefly in reply to what I wrote at the end of the conversation on Saturday which she had dropped off of part way through. It was just a one line message - but I could feel the struggle she is having. Perhaps all in my imagination but I can imagine how tough a divorce from an uncooperative attorney can be. Very similar in tone to the last few exchanges. The sassy, snarky, upbeat woman I met last summer isn't visible. There were suggestions I could make around documenting visitation / custody issues but I've kept silent on that.
Not for me to fix - I can feel my inner Don Quixote waking - she can best deal with this without me as a distraction. She is a smart, capable woman. I do believe that she has a good support network.
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Been taking to heart some of the comments about the OLD thing and have been expanding my browsing making an effort to look beyond the superficial. Still browsing. I did notice that lady #3 hasn't been online since early December. Perhaps she's given up on that avenue. I had not been doing much checking of profiles but decided to change that. Yes - some people who might not be a good match may notice me, but getting noticed is what I'm there for.
I did laugh because of the hits my profile got today all but 2 were 'bots / scammers whose profiles were gone by the time I checked. 1 was a neck down shot of a young woman in lingerie - undoubtedly not the sort of person who is looking for a guy who likes haggis.
Going out tomorrow after work for wings with a dear friend and am hoping to get another appointment for another laser tattoo removal treatment. Been trying to get it gone for about a year now. That woman really got under my skin it would seem
Well - those dishes aren't doing themselves and my lunch for tomorrow needs to be made. The tiny fairies seem to be taking the evening off so I'd best get it taken care of myself.
Wednesday morning. Time for a regular diary entry. I'm on my second pot of tea at this point.
Somewhat nasty freezing rain day here. On the radio they were mentioning centimetres of ice which cause me to take particular notice. Usually they only talk millimetres. I'll need to double check my emergency kit a bit later. The power is still on and I can hope that it will stay on but this is pretty typical of the days when it is pretty much guaranteed to fail. All the school buses are canceled but the roads are all still open. S24 went off to work today and I see trucks and cars going down the road still.
For my emergency kit, 2 cats and lots of blankets is certainly part of it. I have a camp stove and small propane bottles if I need to make another pot of tea. I also have a small ceramic propane heater that is rated for indoor service. My house is old and somewhat drafty and I use it in the kitchen if I need to where the carbon monoxide detector is. It's probably been 5 or 6 years though since I pulled that out. We've been fortunate. My ex and I would take turns staying up with the heater because I felt that it shouldn't be left unattended especially in a house with cats. I have a battery powered radio, a couple of flashlights including 2 that are manually powered, a fully charged secondary power source for my cell phone and undoubtedly a few other things that aren't worth listing.
I'm currently waiting for the piano tuner to show up - he perhaps will while I'm composing this. I do take my time as I type a bit, work a bit, think a bit, pet a cat a bit as I do this. Well - he just called and cancelled again. Which is good as staying safe is far more important than tuning a piano that doesn't get played. On the other hand as a small business person I'm sure he'd like to get the job done and get paid.
Speaking of playing piano, I had dinner with one of my best friends last night. He suggested that he has some "learn to play the piano" videos that he'll share with me. So perhaps this thing will get played after-all. Learning to play the piano has never been high up on my life goals but it would be neat if I could bang out something recognizable other than scales which is my sole accomplishment. We had some entertainment over dinner as I handed him my phone and he browsed through the POF app and the available ladies. When the waitress came by I commented "oh don't mind us, we're just checking out my dating profile" which made her laugh and say that she and her friends also often do that. She was wearing some "I'd like a high tip please" clothes which were a bit distracting. I did joke to her a bit later that she was probably younger than my youngest. She wasn't sure but at 21 she was. I don't think she was creeped out at all - probably thinking "what nice old guys" - and yes we did tip well for the excellent service that she provided.
I had been intending yesterday on getting another laser treatment to get rid of the "true love knot" tattoo that I got in 2010 but they weren't able to fit me in at short notice. An appointment has been made for next week. Hopefully the last one. My skin has become lighter in that band and the hair isn't growing back properly from all the zapping. Most of it is gone and unless you looked carefully and in the right spot you wouldn't even notice it. But I still want it as gone as I reasonably can.
I was whacked right in the feels yesterday by that Facebook Memories thing. A retrospective video from 2014 popped up and in it, it showed a lot of pictures of my ex and of her and I as a happy loving couple. Which we were. I've purged pretty much every trace of her from my social media so this was a fresh hit and my first impulse was to share it and comment on how much the world had changed. I didn't but sent it to a friend instead as a displacement action. I've looked at it probably a dozen times now. It shows what was and never will be again.
It does make me, like many of my friends and many here wonder what the h3ll she threw all that away for? Discount priced yogurt and an apartment over the liquor store? Her perspective on this may very well be different. I don't know and probably never will. And perhaps she doesn't know either.
I do believe that she saw S24 again last night. I don't know for sure but it matched the pattern where S24 is waiting for someone and then leaves saying he's going out but not where. If it's not his mother he always tells me. Oddly as has happened numerous times her seeing him has corresponded with me arriving home. It's good if she is spending more time trying to reconnect with her son. From the door banging when he got home though I think that S24 was grumpy after the visit. No way to know for sure and not my issue.
I do find that these reminders of my ex at this time are working to desensitize me to her and what she did - so no "real" need to whack me with a 2X4. If I reach down, I can find the anger and hurt but I have to look for it. My feeling at this point is a large sadness for what this person has done to her own life and to that of those she professed to love.
Which does bring me to the MLC/selfish jerk discussion I was having the other day with DnJ high-jacking another thread. She certainly followed most of the requisite steps in the MLC script as it is described here. One difference between her and some others but also similar to others is that she seemed to have a very hard time letting go of both me and her former life. I do know for certain that there was significant outside pressure on her not to mention the boiling pressure of peri-menopause along with being an empty-nester with a husband who worked long hours. Presumably there was pressure from OM although I now believe he was just looking for a piece of tail and never expected her to leave me despite his protestations of devotion. A huge amount from her sister and brother though to leave me along with a small number of enabling friends. Her phone used to beep almost continuously and she was always getting long phone calls initiated by those friends and family members.
She did also have agency though and deliberately and repeatedly made choices that were not consistent with her obligations and her vows. I think that having destroyed my family that my ex in-laws have stopped pushing her along and have gone back to ignoring their much younger sister who they largely ignored for most of her life.
From what I gather she rarely sees her enabling friends - at least that's what they've told me. Her guy very likely is still in the picture and undoubtedly is happy with the status quo. Where he has a girlfriend when he wants who doesn't take much care or maintenance. My own opinion is that he quite possibly has more than one.
She still possesses agency and the ability to choose where her path goes and what she does. But that is her future and not mine.
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In other news my OLD adventure is trundling along. Based on some suggestions here I re-evaluated my approach. I did send a message to one lady yesterday who hasn't been active on the platform for a month or so. She may never see it. I've got about a dozen ladies now who look like they could be a good fit of various sizes, ages and appearance. I do laugh at the presumably 'BOTs that have been doing the favourite thing although they may be real people. Scantily clad middle-aged ladies in a different country for the most part. There have been some real people too but none who fit my criteria.
And - so you ask - what is Andrew's criteria?
- Someone who lives locally enough to where I live or the local plant that I work at 2 days / week so that the logistics of dating is reasonable.
- Who is age appropriate and still active with a healthy lifestyle (no drugs / not a heavy smoker). Doesn't need to be super fit and TBH I find some extra curves attractive.
- Perhaps oddly, not someone who brags about being financially independent and owning their own house - because "I" don't want to move.
- Certainly someone who is regularly employed and able to cover their own costs which eliminates the SAHM types. I "could" support another person or two but would prefer not to.
- Some education at least as can be determined by spelling and by interests.
- Honest photos / profile
- A bit sassy
- Mostly a home-body who likes doing normal stuff like going to antique markets and such as opposed to the world-traveler / bucket list type.
- Not a freshly minted single person but someone who has been able to find out who they are
Following kml's suggestion, I adjusted my filters to only show women of colour and added a couple of apparently nice ladies to my list based on that.
The plan is to contact one or two a week while keeping an open mind about anyone who might reach out to me. Given the way these things work though I don't expect to be receiving first contact messages.
Well - enough time of being distracted with this. I have gotten about 5 memos out and dealt with 2 pricing / delivery issues so I am earning my pay after a fashion.
S24 just came home unexpectedly his work day being shortened. He fell twice on the ice on the sidewalks he said. We reviewed where the emergency supplies were, how to drain the plumbing if it came to that and my OLD adventures. He had a laugh telling me about things he's seen where automated tools are used in Tinder etc to just spam everyone.
Until later.
Andrew,
I'm sorry but I've got to critique your writing. In the first three paragraphs of your post you build a narrative about the coming apocalypse. Granted, it sounds like things any Canadian would have to deal with on a daily basis, but I understand that you have to convey the grim reality of your existence in a way that your fair weathered readers can understand. Then, in the forth paragraph you tell us that you're waiting on the piano tuner to show up. Reader's whiplash! Your readers are expecting you to tell us how your very survival is hanging by a thread, but what we get is a piano tuner.
My neck is still sore. I'm thinking about contacting a personal injury lawyer. You really need to be responsible with your writing.
It's a game of numbers, you've got to message 100 to talk to 20 or 30, and out of those you might meet 4 or 5 and 1 or 2 of those might be worth seeing again. It's a ton of work and takes a ton of time, so prepare yourself!
The above comes from someone else's thread but it really is so accurate that I thought it might help for you to read it. The fact that someone other than me wrote it can only help.
although I very much agree with every word. Many of us started out like you are sending a couple messages a week. Sadly that is very unlikely to net many results. Being new on the platform you have a short window of opportunity to attract increased attention. Because you actually paid to join that's increased. You may want to take full advantage of this. While a few guys have had luck in waiting for someone to contact them first that does not often work for many guys.
It really is a game of numbers and the stats Another Stander puts out really are accurate. You can therefore see how sending only a couple a week is not likely to get you anywhere other than frustrated. Sending out 10 really will only get the average guy a couple returns. Sending 20 might get you 5 which might get you one date. It really is that low.
Remember you don't have to fully fall for someone to go out on a date. Just the practice will help and getting that first OLD meet up under your belt will help get your feet wet. Do with this what you will. I'd just hate to see anyone disappointed early on and unless Lady Luck is on your side sending only a few messages a week is likely to do that. OLD is brutal enough, might as well try to put the odds in your favor and the best way to do that is by sending 20 messages a week rather than two.
My cents......I did not like POF. After you get your feet wet you might consider Match or EHarmony. I never had any success on POF but I have on Match and BUBMLE. I also did not have much success sending emails to woman although I with the DR but she put herself in my orbit by putting herself on my daily Match list. If she hadn't not sure I would have reached out. On Match I will usually wait for them to like my profile and when they do then I will check their profile out to see if I like what I see. On BUMBLE I will swipe on my own from time to time but usually I will just look at my list of who swiped R on me. Believe it or not women do swipe and some just don't want to rely on who likes them. As far as pictures go I have the following:
1. A full body shot
2. An active shot of me and my 3 friends riding bikes
3. A picture of my and my daughters at Easter
4. Another active shot of my riding one of those BIRD scooters
5. Another active shot of me and my oldest riding a jetski
6. A picture of my and 2 buddies at a concert
7. A picture of me and a couple of friends at my birthday party
8. A picture of me and 2 of my buddies at a bar.
The first pictures are of me solo so by the time they get to the group shots they know it is me. I tried to mix and match it some with solo and group shots but I wanted people to get the idea that I am a sociable person. There is also only 1 selfie which is of me and my buddies at a bar.
It is very hit or miss but you have to go through the bad to get to the good.
doodler - I believe that Ginger1 knows where you can get a lotion for whiplash. You'll have to find your own nurse to apply it though.
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Thanks guys for the OLD input. Given the rural area I live in, the number of possible matches are relatively small. Comparing Match to POF, more women in my geography are on POF. I'd be surprised if there was more than a handful on something like Bumble or EHarmony.
Not being a super active guy, I actually have pictures of pie on my profile hoping to attract a home-body who I can cook for. The person I am and want to project isn't someone who hangs out with his buddies at the gym, ball game or bar. He's the guy who likes pie and going for walks in the woods or perhaps Madrid.
Bumble is more for professional women to find professional type mates I think. My barber's daughter found her current husband on Bumble a couple of days after dumping her old one. Again - the sort of woman I could imagine being on Bumble isn't what I have any expectation of connecting with.
Yes - I do know that it is indeed a numbers game but if I were to message 100 women, it would be pretty much everyone for 2 counties
I do know also that my odds are low on this approach and will continue to try to meet women IRL. I'm not in a hurry and not heavily invested. I am finding it interesting at this point though and somewhat amusing.
J9, you mention in your picture list several pics of your daughters. I've seen 2 schools of thought on posting pics of your kids: some say sure, do it and some say no way. Obviously you are in the sure, do it camp. Do you think it increases your odds of getting responses? That sounded creepy, didn't it? I don't mean that you are using your daughters for attention, so please don't take it that way. What I meant is that it obviously shows you are an involved family man which is a very attractive quality for some so I just wondered what the logic was in using pics with your kids. This is not something I really even had to think about when I started OLD because my daughters were (are) adults, so I wasn't posting pics of me with them. In fact, I don't think any of my profile pics had other people in them (though I'm in total agreement on the full body shots...I used those too, in the interest of full disclosure about my size). I'm just interested to see how those who have younger children feel about it and what their logic is for either using or not using kid pics.
Andrew, I too live in a small place and found that there were more folks in my area on POF, so it was the route I chose as well. I know others that live in larger areas than I do who have had some varying degrees of success on the other sites mentioned, especially Match. Until I started seeing it pop up on this board, I had never even heard of Bumble. It was probably a variety of things in my case, but I sent and received very few messages. Some of it was the area and I'm sure some of it was people just weren't interested and that is fine. I say that to tell you that I think you are going in with the right attitude and slow and steady wins the race, so if sending a few messages at a time is what works for you, then go for it. It is definitely an interesting experience.
I do it so the person has an understanding that they are a big part of my life. That I do not have them every other weekend and 1 day during the week. I also have on my profile that I have them 50/50 week on and a week off.
I talk about my children and custody arrangement in my profile but do not include pictures of them.
Thank you both for responding. I was just curious. Like I said, my kids were adults when I was OLD, so I didn't have that particular aspect to contend with. I have seen lots of varying degrees of response to this. I can totally understand talking about them in the profile because obviously kids are a big part of one's life (presumably).
I was pondering the whole "numbers game" thing this morning.
The reality is that the only number that matters isn't the number of people who I reach out to, but rather the number who I connect with. And the fact of the matter is that I only need that number to be one.
Yes - I am well aware that the chances are low that I'll hit it out of the park with a low number of contacts. But this morning I also bought a couple of lottery tickets knowing that my odds there are even lower.
Last night I tried the "boost me" option on POF while I was doing up the dishes figuring that early evening was a good time to catch people's attention. Ever so exciting. Meters spun, lights flashed, the app assured me that I was ever so popular. I got a couple of views that I may or may not have gotten otherwise - all but one outside my geography. One made me smile - about 4 years older than me, a big curvy girl with a very - ahem - direct manner in her profile who is a senior accountant. Sadly outside my geography.
So - the question I have for those who have played this game on the female side - how do you interact with these sorts of apps? My understanding is that it's a lot noisier on your side than the crickets on the guy side other than our resident Don J9. Do you / did you actually browse around who is local? Read profiles? Drool over pictures of pies? Feel compelled to reach out? Do you get overwhelmed by the hundreds of messages and dick picks and just go have a glass of wine or do you actually read ones that have a snappy introduction?
Enquiring minds want to know?
Andrew, i think you sound like a great guy on these forums, but im gonna be honest. Based on that profile i would quickly eliminate you as an option. I would think, "heres a guy you just cant win with " based on all your criteria. Its just too much criteria. Too much of what you dont want.
( for example, You dont want a financially independent type, but you dont want a stay at home mom type either?)
You arent ordering a mail order bride. These sites are to get to know people and date. Maybe that financially independent type would one day consider renting her place if she liked you enough. Maybe that SAHM is waiting 1 more year to reenter the work place.
My thought is to make it more light beat and fun and positive. Show (not tell) who you are and what you have to offer. You can then get a sense of whether to ask them out based on their profile or based on a coffee date.
A everyone is different but I do not include what I am looking for in my profile. When a girl sends me an email or likes me I will evaluate myself based on her pictures and what I read in her bio. Not going to lie what she looks like is what will initially spike my interest then I will discover the rest as we chat or go on our first date. No different than if you met someone organically out in public. Usually you would see them first, like what they looked like, then you make an approach. I would make sure your pictures so your best sides and in a positive light. I actually had a buddy of mine and his wife take several of me.
My thought is to make it more light beat and fun and positive. Show (not tell) who you are and what you have to offer. You can then get a sense of whether to ask them out based on their profile or based on a coffee date.
Juju - my actual profile makes no mention of those items. It just asks if they like pie and if they are interested in going to Madrid.
What I was curious about is if women actually look at profiles unsolicited and if they actually bother to read the messages?
Trying to be a better fisherman by asking the fish what bait works best
I guess I am the oddball, which I'm used to so it is all good, but contrary to many things I have read on this board, when I did OLD, I was NEVER inundated with message. I would MAYBE on a good week get 2 or 3. IN A WEEK! I didn't get tons every day. I think that was likely for a variety of reasons. I still think it was mostly because my pictures were an honest portrayal of what I really look like. One thing I didn't like about POF is that when it asks you what you are looking for there isn't a choice between not looking for anything serious and looking for a committed relationship, so if you say you want a committed relationship, that scares some off and if you say you are not looking for anything serious, you get hit up by the ones looking just to hook up. So, honestly, that is what most of my messages were...people just looking to hook up so they really didn't care what I looked like or what my profile said.
I also found it rather interesting that many men made a big deal in their profile about how no one reads them and that you shouldn't bother to answer if you don't read it first, but then when they communicated with me privately, it was quite clear that they had not bothered to read mine. I did read the profiles thoroughly. In fact, if they didn't have a fleshed out one or if the spelling and grammar were atrocious in what they did have written, I just didn't even bother to respond.
I know I am different, and I do think that I'm old-fashioned in that I like the man to take the lead, but in OLD, if I saw a profile I liked, I sent a message then it was up to him to respond or not. More often than not, I got no response. I didn't spend hours every day poring over profiles and reading messages because I just didn't get that many. I would look 2 or 3 times a week, scroll through some local profiles, read messages if I got any. The other thing that I didn't like about POF and I am curious if anyone else had this experience. I would get messages that would be fully-fleshed out profiles so that they appeared to be a real person and there would even be pictures and the pictures almost always just looked like normal guys. Some of them were really handsome, some just average, but all very normal looking action shots. I didn't catch on the first couple I got, but I don't know if they were catfishers or bots or what, but they would send a message that seemed innocuous enough so I would typically respond (like I said, I was a little slow on the uptake the first couple of times and thought these were real, bona fide people). Then I noticed, in both cases, that after just a few messages (no more than 3 or 4) exchanged, they would be real pushy about wanting to talk on the phone or text. Now, some people may be ok with this and not think a thing in the world about it, but I don't do that. I don't feel comfortable with that. I would exchange messages for a few days before offering up a phone number. When I would say no, they would just let it go and continue the conversation through messages on the site, but then they would get kind of aggressive about wanting to "be together" not as in let's go out on a date, but let's be a couple. Again, no. Their profiles would say they were local. For some reason I distinctly recall one said he was in Little Rock and one said he was at the Red River Army Depot in Texarkana (both within an hour drive of me). But, when I asked questions about what they liked to do or whatever they would tell me they were just there for work and they were from the Middle East. The one who said he was from Little Rock said he was actually in Egypt but had been in Little Rock working when he set up the profile. Uh, what??????????? Clearly these were scammers and these were the only 2 I interacted with because it became almost like they were following a script. I would get messages that started "hello beautiful lady" and go on from there. DELETE. Not that some handsome, foreign stranger couldn't fall for me, but yeah, NOT likely. It was just weird. I got several messages a week from those types of "people" in addition to the 2 or 3 from actual people.
But, honestly, after that really long answer (I'm so sorry I'm always so wordy in my responses), I don't necessarily have a bad taste in my mouth over OLD. After all, I met Sparky that way and we live about 30 minutes apart. We could've easily encountered each other IRL but we never had, so OLD just kind of expedited that process for us.
In my experience women will do both if they find your initial profile picture attractive. If they do...then they will read your bio and make a decision on whether or not to respond to your email. I have had many women not respond to my initial message after reviewing my profile. If they don’t I just move on to the next.
Sorry andrew. I thought you included that list in your profile.
Now i am a little OCD so i went on and read through not only male profiles but female as well. I even looked at lesbian posters profiles. I was curious to see what people wrote and how they wrote. (If you have read my posts though, you might have figured out im not exactly normal )
I live in a very congested area, not a rural area so lots of people to choose from. If a guy wrote something like "hey gorgeous" i ignored them. If they wrote a generic line that seemed like it was cut and paste i ignored them.
If they pulled something out of my profile to comment on, then i took notice and if they asked me a compelling question that related to my profile and didnt seem to be written cause they read it out of an advice colum or some stupid dating book (like tell me your 3 fondest memories living here on... was just too corny and forced a weird intimacy) then i could not help but respond.
The guy i liked the best (but didnt go for cause he left his wife and young kid) was complimentary, responded to a joke i had written (my profile was quirky and light) and asked me something along the lines of how i would describe my sense of humor and it made sense as a question as i tried to incorporate humor in my profile. This interested me, cause its not really an easy question to answer.
If a guy complained about grammar in his profile, like "please know how to use correct grammar and spelling" it turned me off. As did the guys that wanted women to be no more then 10 years younger then them "as they are young at heart".
For me, it was all about profile because i was trying to weed out walkaways. For the most part, the only guy i initiated a post to was someone i saw that raised his kid and had a feeling he wouldnt post to me. I never gave out my phone number unless i met them first.
Not sure if this helps.
To piggy back off of J in the drs profile she said she only gets her cut twice a year at great clips. So my opening was this.......Hi drs name.....is it a deal breaker if I spend more on my hair than you? Her response.....lol, no I probably spend more on guns and ammo than you. That’s how it got started.
I would browse and contact guys I liked but I am NOT typical - most women I know wait for the guy to contact them.
Ok Cupid did a study and I believe a simple hello, how are you was the most successful opener. However, for me, because I would get messages from multiple guys who clearly had never even read my profile, I was more likely to answer someone whose opener showed that they had read my profile. Something like "hi, I see you climbed Mt Whitney, ever been to Rainier?" Or " hi, I see you like punk bands, I was a big fan of Bad Brains" would be more likely to get a response from me. Don't make jokes unless you're positive it's funny and appropriate - it's too easy to go astray.
Trying to be a better fisherman by asking the fish what bait works best
Always trying to get a good piece of bass...
Happy Saturday from somewhat frosty Upper Middle Kanukistan.
A recent conversation with a friend got me thinking about my relationships with women of all sorts. It was suggested that I have an attractive personality (there's a relationship killer
) and that women generally like me.
I was thinking about this when I stopped off at the beer store on my way home last night in rather blustery weather to pick up my Friday night can of Foster's plus a second smaller one of Molson Canadian for some beer bread I'm making on Sunday. The nice young lady who had been serving me there but was off in recent weeks happened to be working. She gave me a big wave from the other side of the shop which I returned. Got my purchase and she bagged it up. She knows that I work in the plastics industry (as well as acids) and that I am in favour of using bags
I thanked her for making sure that the beer I like for a Friday night was in, assured her that I wasn't bothered about it at all when she apologized for being the one who dropped the case denting pretty much every can, asked after her son who had been sick the last time I saw her yadda yadda yadda. She was concerned when she asked where I was driving to and cautioned me to be careful. I could almost see on the tip of her tongue a request that I let her know that I got home OK but we don't know each other's names much less real life coordinates.
She's a nice kid. If she were single and 20 years older she'd be a good match. I find her attractive even though her usual appearance is that of most young mothers "I tried". But that's not why I chat and semi flirt with her. I like her. This story repeats over and over. Usually with completely unavailable women who perhaps feel "safe" with me (?) I do try hard and even harder these days to remember things about people and take an interest. It gives me conversation fodder, I'm usually quite interested, and people like it.
I had a similar experience also yesterday. One of the customer service people was having problems processing an order. I poked away at it a few times but couldn't un-do the problem she had. I suggested she just do a reversal / re-entry and it turns out that she's under a lot of pressure because of some other mistakes lately. So - I put out an extra effort, got things more or less sorted out (Don Quixote rides again :P ), advised her of where to watch for any secondary issues and she was quite happy. She assures me that she will provide me with a large amount of cookies (I asked for one) as a reward. Again - a nice lady who is more or less at arm's length who seems to quite like me and not just because I will do things for baking.
Speaking of women, the POF adventure continues. Late last night while my phone was on do not disturb a number of messages came in from a local lady. We'd actually met briefly IRL quite some time ago and she remembered me. I saw the messages at 6:00 am but didn't respond then figuring I was best to wait until I had some tea in me. She sent me a few more messages, the last being a "sorry for bothering you". I responded assuring her that I did indeed remember the nice lady she described and that I was happy she reached out. There have been another 4 or 5 messages since then that I haven't read and will probably leave until I get back from groceries. I'm very flattered but want to take things at a walking pace. This lady - who added a second picture after she first contacted me - is a couple of years older than me, lives locally having moved here a year or two ago, is of average looks and size and seems to take care of herself. Essentially ticking all the boxes. The blowing up my phone thing is a bit disturbing but I can understand it.
I also sent a hopefully well thought out message to the #1 list lady who lives the next village over (the same as my ex). It was relatively short (hey - I'm still me), a bit humourous, suggested that she had many stories to tell beyond the obvious, that I was interested in hearing them and if necessary could provide pie. We'll see if that gets any response.
While I was typing this a second lady has sent me a message - maybe I "am" popular - I'll check it later.
A very dear friend (I seem to have a number of these - and yes - this friend is also a nice lady) advised me a long time ago that I don't need to attach myself to the first person I date or that takes an interest. As tough as that was especially early on, I've taken this advice to heart. Some have described me as a "catch" and perhaps from some perspectives I may be. Good income. All my own teeth. Luxurious hair all the way down my back. I know that I could be compatible with all sorts of potential partners since I'm a pretty easy-going guy. I've gotten in to this dating thing knowing that there likely are no quick fixes and knowing that as some here have described it - it is the land of mis-fit toys. On the other hand - looking at it as a "numbers game" - hitting it out of the park on the first couple of swings is as likely as it taking years. There's a principle in statistics (getting my nerd on here) that even though the
average of coin tosses comes out to 50/50 which could lead people to believe that if you have a bunch of bad tosses that you're sure to eventually get a good one, the reality is that EACH toss is 50/50 and is independent of all prior results.
I had chatted with S24 about the fact that I got a contact from the fishy side this morning - keeping him informed about my life and dating adventures. No clue if that will get passed on. He seemed politely interested but not very.
He let me know last night that he would be out all day today with no explanation - code for seeing his mother. This morning he revised that to say that he won't be home until tomorrow morning. His mother picked him up a bit after 8:00. She was alone in her car. When it is adventures with her and her guy usually he drives. I am curious as to what adventures they may be having but S24 turned off his Life360 updates quite some time ago so I don't know where he is. He can still check on me which is good and was the reason I bought the app a while ago.
My ex did keep her car on the far side of the road as usual but watching her I did notice her actually looking towards the house this time. Perhaps wondering where her son is.
She does seem to be spending a significantly larger amount of time with her son since before Christmas. This is good. I can use some help in parenting him. Perhaps she will motivate him to grow and get his driver's license and a better job. He seems to have been on good terms with her all along and so it undoubtedly does him good to know that she cares about him again after a few years of largely being ignored - or so I presume.
Well - Amy has tried multiple times to sabotage my computer use this morning and is currently trying to cut off the circulation to my left arm. She did trash my first POF message I was composing I think as the touch screen also seems to work with cat paws so time to wrap this up.
Typical day planned for me with the addition of perhaps sending messages to the lady who contacted me. I'll want to learn a bit more about her before agreeing to meet if it does come to that. She seems "very" keen though which is both a positive indication and a red flag. I have the pork roast out for Sunday supper and am planning on scalloped potatoes and beer bread. No kraut but it has been suggested that I should try to make turnip kraut which I've never hear about. I'm not sure about mixing cheese in the bread. S24 suggested I check to see if there are adjustments to the recipe required. He does seem keen on me cooking with cheese though.
Until later.
Andrew,
I about died laughing because it is very evident that the woman is interested in communicating w/you and wanting to get to know you a bit more. Correct me if I am wrong, but do you feel uncomfortable w/a woman pursuing you? I think you are wise in exchanging a few texts before you meet her, but I would suggest that you meet up and have a cup of tea/coffee at the local shop just to break the ice IRL.
You just might be surprised at the number of "hits" you will get now that you have put yourself out there.
Maybe Amy is trying to tell you something...LOL! She doesn't want to share you w/other women. LOL!
Enjoy your day.
Correct me if I am wrong, but do you feel uncomfortable w/a woman pursuing you?
I certainly felt pressured - which is one of the things that I was worried about. I've been pursued before and usually I like it and it makes me feel good but this is a different paradigm. I'm good with one on one interactions but this OLD thing reminds me of the old Westerns where there is a cloud of dust on the horizon and you aren't sure if it's Apaches or the Cavalry. Certainly all in my imagination as there is undoubtedly a limited number of available women who like pie.
I read the later messages after I got home from groceries. She seemed pleased that I also remembered her. She commented that she remembered me because I seemed so "down to earth" and has suggested getting together for coffee. She's given me her cell # and invited me to text her. I may well do that.
Lady #1 has seemingly blocked me as no messages get through. I tried 2 more times. Since there was nothing indicating she's blocked me I sent a message to the support desk that got me a generic response. I took a somewhat big chance and sent her a message via Facebook messenger mentioning that it was a single message. As Lady V once advised me - you can't blame a guy for asking. She's not read it and knowing how those can be buried I'm not too surprised. Disappointing that she's off the list as she ticked off a lot of boxes but it is what it is.
I did almost ask FSL out yesterday as well. We had a nice chat but another customer came in while I was working out if I wanted to.
I was joking with my friends at the cafe yesterday about my OLD adventures and my friend the owner joked that she would absolutely date me if she were single for my pie making skills if nothing else. It certainly doesn't hurt that those gossipy women all know that I am "on the market" even if one of them is "stalker lady's" daughter.
Dragging more than a bit today. Up waay too late last night re-watching Wizard of Oz and then a group phone chat with some relatives with a bottle of wine. The cafe is closed today as my friend isn't feeling well although she offered that she was actually there and I could stop over for a bowl of soup which I declined.
Oddly S24 isn't home yet. Weird that his mother had him visit for an overnight. That pretty much never happens. It did at Christmas this past year and when her parents died but other than that no. Part of me wonders what's up - maybe she won that big lottery prize that went to someone in the city where her guy lives
Most of me doesn't care other than hoping that S24 will be here in time for dinner. I have the pork roast in the slow cooker now.
I think I may have a nap and then get to some housework and the ironing.
Took the leap. Texted the lady and suggested coffee next weekend. Still no sign of S24 but I did send him a picture of his girls and I napping which he saw.
Time to start my ironing.
Got a date for a week Wednesday for coffee
She isn't available next weekend which was my first suggestion.
That gives me a week and a half to deal with anxiety.
(takes a bow)
Such a long time to wait to meet someone!! I preferred to meet sooner than later. I know you've already met, but still... now you sit and wait and ponder how it will go until then. I planned my online chats out so I could meet the following weekend when I didn't have the kids. I had limited availability, only 4 nights a month.
With regards to your son, instead of playing mind reading with your turban, why not simply ask him what he's doing?? My guess is that he feels the need to hide his mother from you because of the negative comments you've made in his presence about her. He probably feels very "stuck in the middle" between his parents. I'm not sure why you feel the need to talk about your dates/love life with him. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to hear about my dad's personal life! At least not until he found someone steady who he would introduce to me after they were dating for some time.
First, great job on asking her out for coffee! SHe seems really interested! That's awesome!
Let me give you one online dating tip that is very important. If a woman does not invite you to reach out to her on social media, never ever ever do it. It comes off as stalkery. POF isn't broken. It's just what people do on there. ANd you just got to move on from it. The more you engage, the more you are going to see it. Just move on to the ones that respond and express interest. I think you will do well OLD
Dream! Nice of you to stop by.
The timing for date #1 seems to work out. She isn't available next weekend. This coming Wednesday when I could be available is her mother's birthday and I also felt was a bit early. So the following Wednesday it is. I got a handful of texts from her through the afternoon. She seems very normal. Big Italian family. She has I believe either 4 or 5 kids one of whom lives with her. Large number of siblings. She seems surprised / impressed that I bake and cook. I'm intending to text from time to time between now and date night.
One of the things that I am pleased with with this lady is that despite a perhaps aggressive start on her side, she doesn't seem to be pushy / desperate now that we've connected.
We'll see where it all goes. I'm planning on keeping my profile active and explore other options but not too aggressively until after I see if this lady and I are compatible.
As far as S24 goes, he did make it in time for dinner with not much time to spare. He complained about the bread and scalloped potatoes but was polite with "constructive criticism". He did talk start talking about his weekend but since it was obvious that it was with his mother's guy he quickly noticed that I wasn't interested. I do find that when he spends time with his mother that he is more critical of me - but that's perhaps just the way these things work out.
Ginger - yeah - you are undoubtedly right. If my reaching out has burned that bridge then it is what it is. I appreciate the feedback. I feel in some ways that I am fortunate that I have been able to learn from others about OLD as well as benefiting from my lurking on those sites.
Back to the galley for me. At least 2 more sink full of dishes to work through but my counter will be tidy before I go to bed.
6 texts from the new lady this morning thus far. She's chatty.
Been a long time since I've had this kind of attention. It's going to take some getting used to.
She's excited and she finds you interesting! Yes, it is going to take you some time to get use to having someone pursuing you and being chatty as well. LOL!
A - I can tell you from my experience it is very overwhelming when you encounter someone that is extremely into you. Most of us were in marriages so long that you forget what that feels like. I don't have any advice for you other than it does get easier as you experience different women TBH though I still struggle with it.
I'm excited for you that you put yourself out there. I'm also glad that you have someone expressing an interest. I'm sure it does take getting used to, especially when you are the one used to doing the pursuing, but just sit back and enjoy it for what it is. You are a lovely man and I wish you all the good things.
So do you already now see the difference between this lady and CL? THIS is how it should be! OMG I can't believe I'm going to quote this guy but this coach that Joseph and others worship (sorry could not resist using that term lol) would say this is very good. Much of his whole deal is showing how it's much easier to build and sustain attraction with someone who is interested. Thing is these women can lose it just as fast - as we've seen here. So make sure you keep the date and make it count. Don't let her scare you off either. Just because you date her does not mean you have to make her your GF or marry her. Make her take it slow. Keep a bit of mystery and don't talk too much prior to your date. Leave things to talk about next week - don't fiver them all now!
Dear Coach, my father. Thank you for the many blessings in my life and for helping me with dating.
Your loyal follower, minion, disciple.
J9
Truly LMAO Joseph / I'm still cracking up trying to type this. Thanks for a great laugh - and sense of humor.
DH....aka "The Don", aka "El Jefe".........you really need to start drinking "The Coaches" kool aid. Just take a few sips, it's ok. Call up the Sweedish Goddess and ask her out!
A couple of texts later yesterday. I initiated by sending her one this morning letting her know that I made it in to the plant OK - stormy weather expected here today. A few back and forth and we both agreed that we are looking forward to our date next week.
I have a tendency to try to get the last word on conversations - something I'm working on so if the text doesn't appear to require a reply and there have been a few back and forth, I let it lie. I also know that given enough rope I have a tendency to talk about myself too much. Working on that too. People like it when you take an honest interest in them.
I'm not finding her clingy or demanding. Just interested and slightly flirty. I'm growing more comfortable with that.
Since I have a 1 year subscription and am in no hurry, I've marked my POF profile as hidden again. No sense being distracted for the next week or so. Not that I have any certainty that this lady will work out but she might. That will just take time to determine. Yes - perhaps I could / should have a stable of available people to date but that's not me. I believe she still has her's up which is fine although I do believe that George Clooney is still taken.
I was also interested and pleased that in my messages was a notice from POF "you appear to be exchanging phone numbers" and a link to a long and well thought out "be safe out there" document.
Going to be a difficult driving day here I think. Snow and blowing this morning changing over to sleet at lunch. I have a tarp that I strap to my windshield that makes clearing it a lot easier so that was put on after I parked. In the night I checked the hourly weather forecast and it looks like the real nasty will happen during working hours. I have yet another appointment for laser tattoo removal late this afternoon that I hope I can get to / is still on. I've been trying to get rid of this thing for over a year now.
In other news I got a call yesterday to tell me that I'm getting a bonus again this year and that this year's one has a secondary bonus attached making the amount come to essentially an extra pay-day. Last year a lot of that went to fill in the hole left by legal bills associated with the divorce. Not an issue this year so it will mostly go in to savings with the rest to help with my regular float. The chequing account gets thin at this time of the year as my income goes down with fresh deductions and my expenses go up with heating costs etc.
Back to the business of selling chemicals at a profit.
Travel safely. Your weather sounds like it's going to get nasty this afternoon. We are suppose to have a mix of snow and rain Saturday/Sunday...but Mother Nature tends to change her mind quickly in this neck of the woods.
A couple of texts later yesterday. I initiated by sending her one this morning letting her know that I made it in to the plant OK - stormy weather expected here today. A few back and forth and we both agreed that we are looking forward to our date next week.
One difference between the South and Canada: you mentioned stormy weather and I automatically thought rain, thunderstorms, tornadic activity. I read on later to find out you meant sleet and snow. Yeah, we don't get that here.
So tickled pink for you with your texting and date with this lady. Fingers and toes crossed for ya!
Yes - I'm posting a bit more lately but want to keep on top of my thoughts.
So - Dear Diary.
What a drive last night. Fortunately visibility was great so that I could see myself sliding around the slick roads and panic because I could see the ditch I might slide in to. Did it slow and steady and got home eventually. Even though quite a number of people were passing me without apparently sliding, I felt my own car slip so kept it slow and steady. I'd thought of texting the new lady (need to come up with a secret code name for her) that I got home OK but didn't. I didn't really want to intrude on her evening plans whatever they may have been. I perhaps shouldn't have gone in to work yesterday but the forecast gave me clear windows around getting down and coming back and I had an appointment for (yet another) tattoo laser session. Just like last time they didn't charge me calling it a "touch up" which was very nice. I need to get them a gift basket or something. I'll certainly post a positive review online which I expect they would appreciate more than baked goods.
It's been well over a year of getting that zapping done - I suspect that there's at least one more treatment to go. Certainly a cautionary tale for anyone thinking of getting ink.
Because of weather S24 didn't work and was wandering around the house aimlessly complaining that
A - He was hungry
B - There wasn't anything he wanted to eat. He'd texted me about picking up Chinese but the shop was closed.
C - That he'd already had lots to eat that day and probably shouldn't.
Eventually he made himself his usual PB & J sandwich and actually ate it in the kitchen. And then shocked me by picking up the dish towel and helping to dry the dishes. Who is this young man and what did he do with my son? I actually can not remember him doing that since he moved home.
His one friend is the manager of the pub here in the village and S24 said that he was going to be working there on Valentines to help out. Certainly different than ditch digging. He said that they also want him to work a few more days. He did work there as his first job when he moved home and previously as a teenager so he's familiar with it. If he did that regularly he would be at the point I think where he could consider being self-sufficient with those two jobs.
He did seem perturbed / disturbed when I talked about my new potential lady friend in a way that he didn't with CL. Her, he didn't really care about one way or another except when it appeared that things might turn serious and that didn't bother him for long I think. I was a bit weirded out this morning when I noticed that he had written the ingredients for banana / chocolate chip muffins on the grocery list. One of his mother's main comfort foods she would bake. In part because the lady I'd been texting had been musing about what to do with some bananas she had before they went bad - yes - "normal" but also with S24 a weird co-incidence. Maybe I'd mentioned it while I was visiting with him? I can't seem to shake the feeling that something was up with his last and rather lengthy visit with his mother. But then again I've had those sort of feelings for years now and nothing has changed.
I was just browsing OneArt's thread and realized that there are perhaps current similarities in our stories. Aren't there in all of ours? Her OD is reconnecting with at least one of her kids just like my ex appears to be with her son. Our timelines are similar as well. She has more insight in to the drama going on where I have essentially none but I would not be surprised if my ex also has a tumultuous relationship with her guy. I recall her telling me that when she was 16 or 17 she left home to live with a guy and that it ended when she threw each and every plate they owned at him. There wasn't any of that in our marriage but then again, I am pretty conflict avoidant and also don't tend to get bent out of shape about things. She has quite the temper combined with a strong sense of entitlement which can't be easy for many people to deal with.
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I had been planning on texting NL this morning but was beaten to the punch. I did respond that I had just been thinking about her - which was indeed true. Just generic - hope you had a great night and a good day. Normal. Not intrusive. She did mention that her son is off with his girlfriend for the week. She had told me before that either he needs to move out by summer or she will - looks like he has an exit plan.
One nice statistic that will make the ladies here smile. Total dick pics requested - 0. Total dick pics sent - 0
In fact no pictures of any sort sent. I do believe that at least one of the two pictures she had on her profile was fairly old but do recall her. The second picture I think was more recent but is hard to make out but looks like a more mature version of the other. It appears to just be a picture posted by someone with minimal computer skills which is reasonable. It's good enough with the posted pictures to recognize her next week. If her pictures turn out to be not representative - which I doubt - the person I've been texting with seems nice and caring and that's what matters.
She does now know my full name and any random browsing would reveal all sorts of things about me. It may be a bit sexist but I do believe that women need to be more careful than men in meeting new people. Bunny boilers and stalkers are a thing that men have to worry about yes but I would hope are rare. If she does do some random searches she'll hopefully see that I am exactly who I've portrayed myself to be. I've not pushed at all for more information about her although she's shared generally where she lives in the context of having an easy commute to work.
I'm figuring we'll stick to texting until our date unless she invites me to call. I did look over her profile a bit more. She lists herself as separated and Catholic but I do know that she's been living up here with her son for over a year.
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Well - after I cleaned out the driveway the piano tuner called as expected and re-scheduled to next week. Good thing I can't play the darned thing anyway. It is quite blustery here and the snow has picked up again. I'll probably do the drive again before bed. I've pulled out some scotch pies for dinner and will make some chips to go with them. I expect S24 will be pleased to be fed.
I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the left-over beer bread but it's sliced and in the freezer. I pulled one slice out for myself for my dinner. D26 suggested French Toast.
Spousal support payment sent off to my ex this morning. 2 days early but today is the last day that I do my book-keeping before it is due on the 15th. I have always been early with it. She certainly has nothing to complain about with that.
Reading a couple of other threads here makes me realize how different I am from quite a number of men who've ended up here. At least the younger crowd. Some of the more recent comments that reading superficially are objectifying women and the relationships that men and women can have have made me want to go away and bathe in really hot water with a lavender bath bomb and bubbles. Maybe I've lived long enough in my own skin to not worry about being alpha or having status or attracting choice women. CL as a younger beautiful executive type certainly qualified I suppose. Haven't heard from her in a while. I hope she's doing well but I'm not planning on reaching out to her.
The one I'm presently texting seems nice and appears to be just a regular gal. I will need to at some point ask the awkward questions about why she's ended up single to watch for red flags. Given the fact that her son lives with her and the close relationship she seems to have with her large extended family I would imagine that it was through no fault of her own that she ended up on the beach.
Well - enough for now.
Until later.
We are your addicted listeners. Don´t you dare to take away our dope!
Stay strong there Andrew!
Wondering who is this nice young man and what has he done with S24?
First helping with the dishes. Then a very neat and tidy bedroom. Then cleaning out the driveway unasked.
I like this guy. I hope S24 is enjoying whatever purgatory he's been assigned to.
I expect S24 will eventually have a dramatic escape from wherever he is and things will return to normal but I can be forgiven for enjoying this impostor.
So totally in the for what it's worth (FWIW) category, especially since you're pretty new to the whole OLD thing, even though no red flares have been launched, the gun may have been loaded. Women posting old or poor photos that hide the truth are sadly all too common. It almost sounds like you are preparing yourself for that? It's very admirable that her looks would not bother you (I know it would some others here including me) but the deception part is perhaps more concerning. I used to see this complaint all the time from OLD peeps. A fair number of profiles often said please have recent photos and if you don't show up looking like your photos I will walk out. It is so very common, then there are the photo filters, shots that only show from the neck up, etc. it's sadly far too common.
One of the other complaints/comments I often saw was if you are separated and not yet divorced don't bother. Many simply won't date anyone in this category. It would appear there are both of these potentially at play. If it doesn't bother you, that's great. Just don't feel you have to accept it especially since perhaps the only thing worse than not finding someone may be finding someone not fully available or who goes back to the person they are still married to. It's your very first OLD, it's okay to say next if she doesn't check your boxes - or stretches the truth with the check marks she dies make.
I’m with you Andrew. I, too, have had the urge for a hot lavender bath after reading some of the comments. And I am not a bath person...lol. Unfortunately, OLD seems to be one of the only ways to really meet new people. I hate that people get judged simply from a photo. I have to say that I am not photogenic at all and look way better in person than I do in photos. Maybe that will work to my advantage...lol? I haven’t done the OLD thing since I met my H but I did pretty well for the six months I did it. I met five guys and four of five wanted another date. The one who didn’t was AOK with me as the feeling was mutual. Unfortunately, ALL of these guys came with issues. One guy had an on again off again girlfriend who called me crying. I told him to go back to her and he told me he would always wonder if I was “the one”. Another guy swept me off my feet... chocolates, flowers, jewelry, trip to Vegas... all in one month and then freaked out and dropped off the map. That was interesting. Another guy was very wealthy and told me I was not his normal type... I didn’t look like a super model,I had a brain, a social conscience and I paid my own bills. He was six weeks of fun but I didn’t invest in him emotionally... I knew he was there for a good time not a long time. The last time I saw him, he was talking about how he should give me a key to his condo and then he disappeared. The final one was my H. Love at first sight and that led to me ignoring some early warning signs that spoke to his character. I thought love would fix it all. I was obviously wrong. Anyway... I recall that before I met any of these guys, I talked to them via webcam (with the exception of the guy that didn’t work out) so there were no surprises. I knew before we met in person that there was an attraction both ways. Of course, that was 14 years ago and OLD was in its infancy. There was no swiping left and right...lol. And I was in my 30s so there is that. Making myself anxious just thinking about it. Anyway...I hope you find someone you click with or, at the very least, have a fun time looking. (((HUGS)))
If her pictures turn out to be not representative - which I doubt - the person I've been texting with seems nice and caring and that's what matters.
This is really, really, really sweet and very refreshing to hear. I have not heard one man say this ever. If I ever did, I would drop all defenses.
I absolutely hate hearing the complaints from men about feeling deceived by women that put up insincere pics. Its annoying that they care so much. Its even more annoying that they come from guys that are blind to their own images and put up their own misleading pics and height stats- talk about double standards.
Andrew, you are one of a kind and you deserve a great girl.
Reading a couple of other threads here makes me realize how different I am from quite a number of men who've ended up here. At least the younger crowd. Some of the more recent comments that reading superficially are objectifying women and the relationships that men and women can have have made me want to go away and bathe in really hot water with a lavender bath bomb and bubbles. Maybe I've lived long enough in my own skin to not worry about being alpha or having status or attracting choice women.
Yup. Agreed. But what is being said is the reality that is out there. Maybe its dependent on our culture and where we are from? I know you live in a pretty rural area so maybe you are dealing with a community with different values? I will say that your comments do leave me with a bit of hope, as I tend to be more of a cynic.
Zues once wrote a post on the layers of a person. The outer layer being looks, next layer being job and education, deeper layer being personality, an even deeper layer being religion and politics, and then the deepest layer being morality. It went something like that anyhow... To me it makes sense to look at the deeper layers of what is making that person up. I dont want to end up in another situation like I was with my ex. But its not very transparent and we get misguided by the more superficial layers.
I absolutely hate hearing the complaints from men about feeling deceived by women that put up insincere pics. Its annoying that they care so much. Its even more annoying that they come from guys that are blind to their own images and put up their own misleading pics and height stats- talk about double standards.
This one really confuses me juju. I'm not sure if you are so colored by things that happened to you in your past or are just missing the point here. You'd be okay if a guy "deceived" you about their life goals or wanting kids or marital status? How is putting up 10 year old pictures or pictures of someone else not the same? I totally agree with owning who you are. I give Dawn huge credit for putting up very honest pics. I think that's all guys want. Now choosing to date someone ONLY on looks is shallow. But having soneone say they have an average body type, putting up a head and shoulders only pic and then showing up as a size 20 or 10 years older than her pic is just down right lying. I don't see it an different as a guy saying he's divorced when he is still married and living with his wife. The fact she is perhaps BBW is less of a concern than the fact she lied right out of the gate is a deal breaker and I'd think it would be for you as well. How is any kind of deception okay with you - whether it's deceiving how one looks or who one is? Lie to me and I'm done - especially when the lies happen before the first date does!
Don - i was extremely honest regarding my pics as well. Minimal makeup. No filters. Up to date and no selfies. I hate how i look in photos too. And ive talked about this, i cant even look in a mirror if i get over a certain weight. Personally, i would not want to have a guy think something and then be dissapointed.
That being said, i think maybe the people that put those photos up just dont have that same self awareness or self critique that i do. I dont think they are meaning to deceive. . Just that they see a good pic of themselves and say, hey his is what i lool like? Great! Im posting. My world is good.
I get what your saying. Putting their best pics could be a red flag for a type of arrogance and denial. But it feels different then someone lying about their divorce status or desire for kids which is pretty black and white. You will see what they look like on a 15 minute coffee date and can choose then.
Also if you only see a head shot or if all their pics are filtered amd look like a professional took them oit should be obvious they are not gonna look like that. So why bother.
Whats the difference between false pics and fake boobs? Or hair extensions? Or spanx? Or makeup? Or high lights ? Or face lifts and tummy tucks though? Why is it common knowledge to subtract 1 or 2 inches on a mans posted height?
Models and actresses certainly dont look the way they photograph either. But no one feels deceived that they paid 20 bucks to watch their movie.
To hear Andrew say he didn't care about looks cause the lady seemed sweet was just really nice. He also lnew the pics werent accurate going in and didnt care cause he liked her communication style which i guess for him is priority
Do you realize how deceiving carefully applied, expensive make up can be too? I have older family members that cant leave the house "without putting on their faces"
To hear Andrew say he didn't care about looks cause the lady seemed sweet was just really nice. He also lnew the pics werent accurate going in and didnt care cause he liked her communication style which i guess for him is priority
The problem is that you're comparing us to Andrew. Andrew is Canadian and that's to say he's not normal. Canadians aren't normal. Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Jesus Christ are all Canadian. Most of the rest of us are not Canadian. Canadians are nice and kind; what's up with that nonsense? Just keep Andrew out of the convo. Alright already?
A bit rambly upon re-reading. No one is surprised I'm sure
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I will confess that since I've already met Brenda once (figure no sense making up an alias) albeit briefly and some time ago, that I have a pretty good idea what she looks like so I'm not as pure of heart as it may appear
I recall her as a pleasant looking woman of about my age who was very helpful to me at the shop and an engaging conversationalist. She was also very focused on doing a good job and stopped talking with me when a page went out that another customer needed assistance and she dashed off.
Other comments made about the whole OLD thing reminded me that I do indeed need to focus on the person and not the pictures. I'm not looking for a glamour girl, or a sex kitten. Not that I have anything against attractive women. I have though found that some physically attractive women also are insecure - mainly about their looks - which is unattractive.
Funny in some ways that she wasn't on my radar at all from browsing. She had very minimal information posted on her profile. Nothing about likes / dislikes / dreams.We'll have something to talk about I would hope. I don't expect her to be up on the latest developments in the world economy (analysts are worried about the on-going impact of tarrifs) or NASA (the rover has been declared dead). But there is undoubtedly things that she is interested in that I would be as well. Her relationship goals were "looking for someone to marry" so I expect that either we'll hit it off or we'll move on relatively quickly.
It's easy to get wrapped up I think on "types". There are some "types" that I would avoid, but those would be people who have made unhealthy lifestyle choices like drugs, or uncontrolled spending. There is one lady who quite probably would date me in a heart-beat. She's not physically attractive by normal standards but what puts me off is the fact that she has a life that seems full of drama and was part of the crowd around my ex-wife when she was having her affair. I do know that she's tried OLD and has ended up with a couple of "clingers" - one of whom keeps posting on her social media about how pretty she is and commenting things like "I have my own place now".
I read a recent and very disturbing article on CBC news about a woman who met a man via on-line dating, had coffee with him, thought things were going very well and then he drove her to an isolated area and raped her. She took herself to the hospital and had the standard rape tests done which showed a fair number of injuries. A few things struck me though in the comments made in the court. For one thing, she was presented as being a willing participant the man's excuse being that he didn't speak English well and that she didn't clearly tell him that she didn't want to have sex. But the big thing that came out was a comment that since she was so much larger than the man that she should have been able to defend herself / fend him off. Her response was that she was numb with terror.
The article does show a very dark side of OLD where these women who are "less attractive" get targeted by predators.
If you do look up the article - CBC News Plenty of Fish Rape - takes you right there - please brace yourself. It is
very disturbing.
This plus other things does make a couple of things clear to me as I continue on my journey. Be safe. Act safe. Project safe.
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Texted Brenda this morning before I left for work (I believe she starts early) wishing her a Happy Valentines and a hope that her boys would spoil her. An hour or so later I got a nice wish the other way.
I also messaged D26 (sent her a card that she got a week ago) and left S24 a card and a large sized Kinder-Egg on the table for him. I'm not expecting anything back from them but it would be nice.
Happy Valentines day to all! And more importantly - tomorrow is also Singles Awareness Day in some parts of the world and discount priced chocolate pretty much everywhere.
Do you realize how deceiving carefully applied, expensive make up can be too? I have older family members that cant leave the house "without putting on their faces"
JuJu i really think you are still missing my point and I think it's in our definition of "Deceiving People". I have little problem with putting your best foot forward. I just saw a woman who could be so much more attractive if she tried to be. For whatever reason she has chopped her hair all but off, wears no make up, etc. her choice. But if that woman went to the gym, grew her hair out, learned some solid makeup techniques... I don't see that as deception. I also don't see putting up photos that are more flattering as deception. We all have photos where we look better and we'd be stupid NOT to use them. But they are of us - we were just more photogenic in that shot. This is not at all my point when I talk about deception. What I'm taking issue with is those who put up 10 year old photos. Those who put up photos that are not even of them!!! Those who put up photos from 75 pounds ago. THAT is pure and simple deception - that is lying. A boob job is not lying - she's going to show up with those fake boobs everywhere she goes including on your date. Working out, dressing well, looking your best is not deception. It's when you don't do those things and try to portray that you do.
I remember a long time ago a woman telling me all of her photos are current and her daughter is 16 - yet in the photos I see a 6 or 8 year old daughter. She was not even good at lying and stopped talking to me after I caught her and she admitted it. Smoking is yet another huge one. You'd be amazed how many woman claim they are non smokers when they at least smoke weekly if not daily.
We all want different things. I mostly want honesty and putting up old photos that you then claim are current is not honest. Saying you are skinny or average body type when you really weight 200 pounds (and had only head shots) is not honest. It's THESE things that I take huge issue with and am surprised you do not. I'd love to be able to say looks don't matter but they just do. I'm honest about that. I can also tell you they matter far less after I know someone. I again ran into a, I guess it would be best termed FWB from near 25 years ago. She's not at all the same woman but I think she's just as hot as ever. It's because I know HER. Would I go after her today, not likely. And the other side of the coin is true as well - there are all sorts of great looking woman that I would not spend more than 30 seconds with. They are ditsy, shallow, boring, rude, uneducated and all sorts of other terms. I want the entire package - reasonably good look plus a great person inside, nice, fun, intelligent. Just don't lie about who you are.
But now I'm getting off topic and at Andrew's thread real estate expense. I just wanted to clarify what I mean by deception. And if you still think putting up 10 year old photos is not deception I guess I'm not sure what else to say.
Weird dream last night. Probably caused by reading OneArt's thread plus the happenings in my own life.
In my dream my ex brought S24 home and actually drove in to the drive and then sat in her car. I went out and asked if everything was OK. She said she wanted to talk and we went inside the house where I was in the middle of doing the dishes. My kitchen and the counter were a massive mess - post Christmas dinner kind of mess and I was embarrassed by that. We talked rationally and calmly while I tried to get caught up on the dishes. She asked how I was doing and told me she missed me in a very dry-eyed fashion. I was ambiguous about my own feelings.
Then the Amber Alert noise on my phone went off and woke me up (very sad story).
And yes - a reminder - just a dream. And not a particularly disturbing one other than the mess on my counter.
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I had a nice lunch today with a good friend who I haven't seen in a few months. He's on the other side of the corporate re-organization and now thinks that it is good for me that I didn't end up on the same side as him. He asked after both my ex and CL and seemed satisfied with my answers that I'd not heard anything from either of them. He was very positive about the fact that I've put myself out there for online dating and that I've already had one positive response.
I did text Brenda this morning a "have a great day" - she's off visiting one of her sons for the weekend I believe a 5 hour drive away. I may not hear much from her through the weekend. I am trying to work through some possible 2nd / 3rd etc date ideas. If a second date happens I'm thinking of suggesting brunch the following Sunday. I'd like to find some craft shows or similar but there's not too many of those coming up in the next while. As I've joked before, I like to plan my spontaneity. I did notice that the local hospital foundation is having a fund-raising gala this spring. It would be nice to have a companion but that's far enough in the future and things are uncertain enough that I'll leave that one on the shelf for now especially considering that it's $100/ticket plus a "voluntary donation" plus I'm sure things at the event. A very good cause though and probably a nice night out. I've not attended before. My ex could never muster enthusiasm for charity events for some reason although she did usually attend the dinner for the one main charity I support.
Well - I think that this is close to a record for composing time. About 4 1/2 hours. I've been busy otherwise. And soon it will be the weekend! I do think that I'll have some work needing to be done. There's some prep-work for some meetings with the acid business I need to do along with some procedure setup for the plastics business. Ever so exciting
But on the other hand I can pick up at least some of the cupcakes I won in a contest from the cafe around the corner and my friend after lunch gave me a container of more that one of his daughters had made.
I have a very diverse musical taste I think. My playlist as I worked on some mending switched from Stompin' Tom singing "Bud The Spud" to Sammy Davis Jr's version of "Someone To Watch Over Me"
Lovely day thus far. As I was heading out to do my Saturday erranding I got a nice text from Brenda. She's having a good time with her son. She seems pretty excited about our upcoming date. I will confess that I am as well and am surprisingly not overly nervous. I'm sure that will change. The neat thing is though is that I'm in a "place" where I know that I'll be fine. I don't have a lot riding on this date. It would be nice if I managed to hit a home run in OLD in my first couple of swings but I know that the process is - have coffee - see if either of us runs for the hills. If not, have a second date - I'm thinking Brunch the following Sunday and then see where it goes if anywhere.
I've not figured out the "right" cadence of texting with her but we do seem to be doing a daily morning text which is nice. Some days I send first and some she does. I'd been wondering about sending her a message this morning as she is off with her son but she messaged me so that answers that question. I believe she's driving back Monday.
I was in getting my haircut this morning and my barber was joking that he hoped his wife wasn't on the dating app. I pulled it out and he had a browse. He recognized one of the ladies - one who was on my "possibles" list and remarked that she had just finished off with husband #3 and that she seemed to be doing quite well financially. Small down dating tip I suppose. Check with your barber before dating. He didn't know nor recognize Brenda but she's fairly new to the area. My barber sat on town council for many years including the police services board so he knows pretty much everybody. The fact that the former head of the police services board hadn't heard of her is undoubtedly good. And of course barbers hear more and better stories no doubt than bartenders.
It was interesting because I do think he is honestly nervous about his wife. Not that he has any specific worries - just generally. Another friend who also has a very attractive wife is similarly on edge I'd noticed. Perhaps seeing me makes them know how frail things can be. And my ex-wife would maybe qualify as cute and certainly not in the attractiveness league of their's.
My barber made a few ribald jokes about my dating possibilities and not too surprisingly emphasized a few times the importance of safe sex. "Wrap it up tight". He knows that I've been celibate for nearly 3 years now and also joked that I needed to suggest in advance to my first post-marriage partner to not be surprised if everything was over the first time before it would barely begin
I did buy a box of condoms well over a year ago - I suppose I should check to see if those things have expiry dates - no real expectation of needing one in the very short term though. My barber also suggested that I am far too nice of a guy to be getting lucky easily and that if any woman does come on to me too quickly to run and hide.
A couple of articles that I read recently suggested using Google Image Search to check the bonafides of people you encounter in OLD. I checked Brenda's pictures and only got a single hit on her profile. For giggles, I did the same thing to one of my pictures. Google (and this is no lie) says "Possible related search: gentleman" and linked to the Wikipedia article on the subject
- takes a bow. That makes me feel really nice.
S24 came out as I got home with the groceries and went with me over to the cafe to help me pick up the cupcakes I won in a contest. He also helped put the groceries away and remarked that I really hadn't needed to bother buying more cheese as we had a big block already. I took a breath and told him that I won't eat that cheese from his mother and that I was actually offended that it was there and that I didn't really want to get in to why. That got me an "oh get over it" eye-roll but may stop further cheese deliveries. Difficult thing to mention but I'm glad I got that out there. I do expect that he does have a good relationship with his mother at present. They were always rather close.
I got a message from 20S that she's going to be stopping by tomorrow and to save her a cup-cake. We'll see how that goes. S24 was rather surprised to hear that one of his best friends would be stopping by and agreed that no promises could be made about cupcakes.
Third load of laundry is in the wash. The first load was some mats one of which came apart on one seam - hence the mending. I was thinking while I was doing it that this was very likely a mat that cost only a couple of dollars and here I am with my "old guy" glasses on re-stitching up a seam. Certainly very representative of me. Why throw out a perfectly good mat when for a bit of effort and not cost I can keep it.
Time for me to get Amy off my arm and get the bed made. The kitchen, bathrooms and laundry room need sweeping. I have a nice looking wee steak out for my dinner which I'm going to do up with a baked potato, attempt a sort of mushroom gravy and some veg.
My play list is currently doing something Samba sounding in Spanish. Let the laundry dancing begin. And yes - I have a large music library.
Andrew,
Brenda sounds like a woman who knows how to stay in touch w/another person and doesn't keep a person hanging. I think the two of you will hit it off once you've met and relaxed around one another. Just go and enjoy yourself. If it doesn't work out, another one will be out there waiting for you.
As for the cheese....I don't blame you....I wouldn't eat it either. LOL!
Enjoy your Sunday. Life is never dull around you.
Just finished Sunday Supper with S24. It appears that the old, surly S24 has returned. It's been a generally good day. I hadn't heard from Brenda so sent her a text around 9:30 that got a response about 1/2 hour later. She was busily making pizza crust which she assured me she does very well.
I do believe that in some ways it's a "test" - will he text / she text. Thus far it's been working out fine. We send a couple of texts in the morning it seems and then get on with our day. It does indicate that the attraction is mutual and we both are putting in some effort. On the other hand, we've not even had our coffee date so there's not a lot invested at this point.
Good day here. I had a nice walk around the village, soup at the cafe where I chatted with my friends who have requested a date report on Wednesday. I got my ironing done and despite the conflicting timing around the different parts of dinner did not too bad on having everything ready at once. The veg were slightly under-cooked though I thought.
For dinner I made meatloaf - yes - topped with cheese. I did the steps slightly differently and it wasn't as solid of a loaf as I usually do but it all seemed to be fine. Many leftovers were also created.
S24 is my issue right now. The good news is that he's going to be regularly working up at the pub which with his other job should give him enough income and stability to eventually be independent. Oddly in the past few days - since he visited with his mother - he's actually cleaned and tidied his room including today vacuuming. A positive thing perhaps but very outside any usual pattern. And to me - one thing that I am very sensitive to is patterns.
Over dinner I did mention briefly that on Wednesday in addition to the piano tuner hopefully coming that I had a date in the evening - I got a very upset looking young man telling me very bluntly that he didn't want to hear about my love life. He has said that before but this was more vigorous than usual. I could speculate that he is perhaps hoping for some sort of rapprochement between me and his mother who he has seen more often and recently. But I do put the odds of that as close to zero. And it could just be him having a sudden turn to having a bad day. As a parent one thing that I have learned is that in many ways we are a bit of a punching bag. Expected and assumed to be there and supportive regardless and someone who no matter what is said / done will still be there.
Prior to dinner he was cheery and upbeat so the shift is odd and seemed to coincide with him taking a walk around the village. In many ways I wish that I could have a blunt and honest conversation with him about my life and his mother but I know that is a non-starter. First off, it's not his "affair" and secondly I don't think that that sort of conversation would be well received or productive.
Well - off to do the large pile of dishes that Sunday Supper always generates. And unsurprisingly S24 isn't around to help. The other day was certainly an aberration and I'm not surprised.
Your son' s reaction does not surprise me.
His family roots did not include bf and gf....
I' ll add more.. and i might be wrong. I know you will tell me if i am.
If he felt that your ex' s choice to leave was wrong, eventho he loves her with all his heart, he will always carry abit of resentment for that choice of hers.
He probably understand the why you want to date but he probably does not want to be too close.
He might feel like he betrays you when he is with his mother and OM. He is probably comfortable with just her.
He probably will feel like he betrays his mom if he is with you and OW ( for him, this is who does people are). He is find with only you.
He sees the pain your ex and OM cause you and he knows this will cause pain to your ex. Even if all of you try to hide it.
It takes a very long time for OW or OM to be accepted. Sometimes, they are never accepted.
Also, family dynamic will change once again.
Like i said, i might be wrong.
It was interesting because I do think he is honestly nervous about his wife. Not that he has any specific worries - just generally. Another friend who also has a very attractive wife is similarly on edge I'd noticed. Perhaps seeing me makes them know how frail things can be. And my ex-wife would maybe qualify as cute and certainly not in the attractiveness league of their's.
Remember that old song? "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, better make an ugly woman your wife".... your
Btw I have a friend who wouldn't date guys who were too handsome or college professors because she assumed they would cheat. (College professors being surrounded by all those young coeds)
Well there is some truth to that song.........
Btw I have a friend who wouldn't date guys who were too handsome or college professors because she assumed they would cheat. (College professors being surrounded by all those young coeds)
I sometimes think like that and it makes no sense. I tend to go for nerdier guys, thinking they will treat me better. But that has not been true. It’s like thinking an attractive person is not as smart. In fact you can make an argument that an unattractive person might be more prone to cheat if given the opportunity as they might be more susceptible to attention they didn’t receive. ( I have a female acquaintance that cheats and sleeps around and throws herself on men but it stems from her being bullied and not very attractive to guys when she was in high school)
It all depends on the person. I actually have a brother that is a very attractive and funny, charming professor (when we were younger girls always had crushes on him - him even my friends who were considerably older). He is really really really loyal to his wife.
I' ll add more.. and i might be wrong. I know you will tell me if i am.
If he felt that your ex' s choice to leave was wrong, eventho he loves her with all his heart, he will always carry abit of resentment for that choice of hers.
He probably understand the why you want to date but he probably does not want to be too close.
He might feel like he betrays you when he is with his mother and OM. He is probably comfortable with just her.
He probably will feel like he betrays his mom if he is with you and OW ( for him, this is who does people are). He is find with only you.
He sees the pain your ex and OM cause you and he knows this will cause pain to your ex. Even if all of you try to hide it.
It takes a very long time for OW or OM to be accepted. Sometimes, they are never accepted.
Also, family dynamic will change once again.
Like i said, i might be wrong.
exquisite - I think you are undoubtedly right. You've had a house-full of kids' worth of experience to guide you in these comments. I do have no idea what his opinion is of OM. I had been presuming that he's accepted his place in his mother's life and that he's fine with it. One big difference is that he only occasionally sees his mother / OM where this is
home and it's essentially the same as what he grew up with. Same room. Same Dad. Same cats. We could perhaps imagine that the idea of me dating could be viewed by him as me being unfaithful as it is
different. Certainly something to think about.
Remember that old song? "If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, better make an ugly woman your wife".... your
That made me smile. Unkind of me to say this but one of the things I felt to be true was that when OM got a chance to know the true woman that he had stolen away that he'd realize that he made a mistake and drop her
Although having her hanging on as a girlfriend with no real claim on him is perhaps working out perfectly fine for him.
I'll have more info on what Brenda looks like Wednesday. I do recall her being a handsome woman from that very brief encounter all those months ago and the picture on her profile that I think is representative of what she currently looks like agree with that.
Regardless of the outside packaging though, we all go through times when we're tired, ill, first wake up when we don't look our best. And we'll change as we get older too. I recall being told by my then fiance to look at her mother as that would be what she would look like older. I was fine with that. Personally I think that I've aged reasonably well. I've noticed a few age spots on my face now and certainly a healthy crop of wrinkles.
My own opinion is that regardless of physical beauty that if someone is going to cheat, that they will find a way even if they have to pay for it. The more I read about it as well, I realize that infidelity isn't about the sex. It's about the power and the thrill of it. Your college professor example is very apt. Other "power" professions are from what I understand, rife with infidelity. Police, lawyers, and (sorry J9) doctors. exquisitetobe once suggested that those who travel a lot like the dairy delivery guy my ex ran off with and her own father and brother who worked in the railway also have wandering eyes and other parts.
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Morning pot of tea is just about done. It's a holiday here today but I may put in a few hours of work later.
I texted Brenda this morning and wished her a smooth drive home and that there were only "two more sleeps" before Wednesday. She responded a bit later and let me know that she would text me when she got home safely. That's thoughtful of her.
Hmmm - just noticed that the pub is up for sale again. That may make S24 doubtful about moving out. It's uncertain on if it would sell or not at the price asked.
Well - shower time and then I think I'm going to go in to "town" and take a walk along the longer walking trail there. It is a lovely day here.
Hmmm - just noticed that the pub is up for sale again. That may make S24 doubtful about moving out. It's uncertain on if it would sell or not at the price asked.
Andrew,
You and S24 should buy the pub. It'll give him a job and you a creative outlet for your pies. Molson and a slice anyone?
Some people subscribe to hypergamy which is essentially marrying up in class. It all depends on what side your on.
Over dinner I did mention briefly that on Wednesday in addition to the piano tuner hopefully coming that I had a date in the evening - I got a very upset looking young man telling me very bluntly that he didn't want to hear about my love life. He has said that before but this was more vigorous than usual.
I've not counted but this has to be at least the third time you've brought this up to S24 and with the same results. Now he's making it bluntly clear - he doesn't want to hear it. So why do you keep bring it up? He's not your buddy or a coworker, he's your son! Most kids don't want to talk dating and romance with their parents! I know I don't. It's bad enough when parents pry into kids dating, it is simply unnatural in reverse.
So why do you keep doing it Andrew? Are you just so excited and need to talk to soneone about it? I could see that. Are you bragging? Less understandable. Are you hoping he will tell his mother so you can sort of start to even the score? I really have to consider this.
I guess the real question is, will you finally stop now? It's clear his responses are esclating. Next he may throw something at you. Lol. Seriously, it's clear he does not want to hear about any of this and at this point he should not have to. Why does he need to know? Now if you get to the point with someone where their paths may cross, she may come over to your house or to Sunday dinner, for sure THEN it needs to be brought up. Pre first date there is simply no reason - which returns me to the question, and I'm honestly curious, why did you bring it up yet again yesterday? And does his response really surprise you?
Don - You're over-reacting and digging for dirt that's not there. I had only mentioned in passing that I was going to be out on a date on Wednesday. I don't go in to details. Standard courtesy is to tell other family members if you are going to be out unexpectedly.
doodler - There is no way that I'd want to be an inn-keeper / hotelier. S24 did have an interest when he was younger but that stopped a long time ago. The close to million dollars that they're asking for is rather an impediment although it's a decent price for a renovated heritage building and business.
Speaking of pie - I went for a nice walk and stopped for pie and coffee at the place where the coffee date is planned for. It was nice pie and the restaurant which I haven't been in for some time is more or less as I remember it.
I think that S24 is just naturally p!ssy these days - I have a house full of 20 somethings at the moment going through 20S's stuff. S24 is being very blunt and aggressive about tossing stuff where 20S would like to go through it more carefully. There's another couple of people there helping as well. Hopefully it's going to go smoothly. I've made myself a pot of tea and am hiding out in the office. I just heard some laughter so undoubtedly it all is fine. I'm only expecting a rather small result from today's efforts.
doodler - There is no way that I'd want to be an inn-keeper / hotelier. S24 did have an interest when he was younger but that stopped a long time ago. The close to million dollars that they're asking for is rather an impediment although it's a decent price for a renovated heritage building and business.
Andrew,
Yep, restaurants are notorious for thin profit margins and high failure rates. Maybe you should consider Andrew & Son Discount Storage. All you have to do is invoice your current customer.
Don - You're over-reacting and digging for dirt that's not there. I had only mentioned in passing that I was going to be out on a date on Wednesday. I don't go in to details. Standard courtesy is to tell other family members if you are going to be out unexpectedly.
Andrew I'm not digging for any dirt. Based on the reaction that YOU provided, that was pretty large. If you don't think he's bothered by you bringing this up, you are sticking your head in the sand. But, perhaps it's me, maybe I'm not reading it correctly and others might see it differently? He just seemed like he was not getting through to you and tried even harder. As for common courtesy of telling him you are going to be gone, by all means you should. That doesn't mean you have to provide details. You could simply have said "I won't be home this Wednesday I'm meeting someone for dinner or meeting a friend." I think you like talking about the fact that you have a date - and there is nothing wrong with that!!! There really isn't, just not to your son - he clearly does not want to hear it and I think he's about ready to hit you with a 2X4 to get it through to you - and you're still not wanting to hear it!
Andrew,
I have to agree w/DonH. It's common courtesy to let others in the home know that you will be out and about on any given night, but you do not need to tell your son what you are doing. This is your business...not his. Remember...he doesn't always tell you what he's doing and w/whom.
No, I'm not digging for dirt either, but looking at what you posted as an outsider, I could sense from your description of your son's reaction, he doesn't want to know what you are doing. It could be that he's not ready to face his father dating and possibly getting into a deeper relationship or he may want to remain neutral and if his mother questions him, he can honestly say "mom, I do not know what my father is doing". I don't know if his mother is the type to try to get info from him, but I would venture to say that she asks each and every time he is w/her as to what you are doing, where you go and w/whom you are doing it with. Trust me, there are some former spouses that will drill their children for info.
As for the young lady who is storing stuff at your place, time for her to get that job of cleaning up and disposing of things that are no longer of use. I know you don't mind, but it would cost a nice chunk of change to rent a storage facility and the least she could do is bring you a pie or do something to show her appreciation....but that's my two cents.
Andrew, do not pounder on my words too long..
I talked about kid' s feelings. Now, i' ll tell you about mine and it sting ( me )!!
Eventho i feel like i have sacrificed much of my life for my kids and ex-h could not care less about being more than a father who visits whenever, they are no longer as close to me as they once were.
Regardless of what has happened, they accepted ex-h' s behavior and choices.
Eventho i thought ex-h would loose everyone who loved him the most and be a lonely lost soul, here i am! The lonely one.
You said it above. Your son found his place in his mother' s life and he would find it in yours aswell.
He is an adult. If, when the time comes for you to bring someone in, he no longer feel comfortable in your home, he can get his own.
Just be discrete about your dating. But do not stop living your own life.
In 2 years, i see my life taking a turn for ME, my needs and my wants.
job/exquisitetobe - thanks for your input. It is a difficult situation in some ways and in other ways not.
As I found out in my own mind when trying to cope with infidelity, it's amazing what you can normalize and speaking honestly, I am glad that S24 has an apparently good relationship with his mother. What he thinks of her / what she did is between the two of them and I expect he's normalized that situation and is continuing to love and support his mother. As he should. As people often say - blood is thicker than water. We all presume that he passes on whatever he is asked to his mother and really - I don't care. I'm living my life for me and she's not part of it any more. Yes - there is that itch in the corner of my mind which I do my best to ignore - sometimes not as well as I should. I have nothing to hide nor to be ashamed of. In fact I'm rather proud of the life I have right now. What she thinks isn't anything to concern me whether I start dating Jeff Bezos' STBX (who is very pretty and undoubtedly very smart) or take up nude bungee jumping.
I don't really know what S24's opinion of me dating is. He and I have talked about it in the theoretical sense several times and he had no issues even when he knew I was having dates with CL last summer/fall. I suspect that in many ways it's more the "ick" factor than any actual issue just like small children when their parents are smooching. I just need to learn more clearly where those boundaries are for him and to respect them within reason. I am an adult and this is my house. And he is my son and I respect him. I also expect that his boundaries are somewhat fluid depending on his mood on any particular day.
We would like our former partners to face more serious consequences for their actions and the destruction that they caused, but while we may judge, their futures are not for us to decide. We are not the ultimate judge. And like you exquistetobe, I've lamented that I have been here alone and uncomforted while she's in some ways perhaps "won". You have seen though I think in your ex that he is a troubled soul who has at least some regrets. I can't imagine my own ex to be completely happy with the life she leads. People outside of the actual events do tend to have short memories and are often willing to overlook in others what they wouldn't if they were directly affected.
The best we can do is to let go of any outcome for them as "people we used to know" even if our own situations are made more difficult by what they did. It is only human to have anger and regrets though as I'm sure we all here understand.
I was pleased that 20S made some good progress on her stuff. 2 "very" large bags of garbage were created, one large box of stuff to donate and she took away a bunch of stuff as well. Barely made a dent in the hoard but it's a good start. Her one friend who came to help also went away with a couple of boxes of her own stuff that had made it in to the hoard over the years. S24 and I fully expect that we'll be acting as storage for her until into the summer. I don't know if she makes pies but in this house that would be "coals to Newcastle". Some kindness that costs me little and helps out a friend is not something that bothers me.
Brenda got home and we exchanged messages for a bit over an hour. We seem pretty compatible. She likes being comfortable and fuzzy PJs it seems. She agreed that the moon looks lovely this evening. She had a very nice visit with friends and family.
Time for me to pack it in for the evening. Busy day tomorrow. There are some important meetings on some possible changes to our business model and it will be interesting to see where that all goes. I did my prep work for that over this weekend assembling some numbers for my part of the process. And then the next day I will be having coffee with someone who I hope is a nice lady and getting my piano tuned. The longer term forecast for Wednesday suggests freezing rain in the evening but hopefully it will hold off. There seems to be some sort of curse on Wednesdays lately at least as far as the weather goes.
Andrew, I have to concur with the others. Your S has made it clear he wants to hear nothing about your love life. WHy? For different reasons, I am sure. He might just think talking about his parents dating is "yucky" and prefers to put the earmuffs on. How much does he share with you about his love life? It might be something he prefers both of you keep private. ANd I think Job is right, he probably wants to stay as neutral as Switzerland as possible around his mom. She may not be grilling him, but if she ever asks, he doesn't want to lie, so it's better not knowing at all. You can let him know you'll be out. He doesn't need to know where. Does he tell you where he is going everywhere he goes? Does he even let you know when he is gone?
I'll call you out. I think you want him to take this info back to his mom. You want her to ask, and now he knows so he will tell her. It's OK, I get it. Just be aware of it, and stop doing it. Tell us about your dates and the people at the pie shop, but your S doesn't need to know. Your exW doesn't need to know. You are the only one who needs to know. But if you want to share, share with us!
I, for one, am very excited to get the low down after the date!
We cross posted!
I think I have also reiterated before. My parents split when I was 17. My dad did cheat on my mom. My mom used to pump me for so much information, and I hated it. I did everything I could to not even go home because I didn't want to deal with it. Pretty hard the senior year of high school. She also resented me for still loving my dad and being close to him. I did not nor have I ever since then normalize his infidelity. My relationship with my dad is my relationship with my dad, and same with my mom. ANd my dad and I were extremely close and are extremely close and he was an absolutely excellent father. My mother was not the best mother due to her illness. My dad raised me. So I was not going to stop loving my dad for something that happened between them. Again, I just wanted to be 100% neutral. It was all I wanted. Just to have an R with my dad and I yearned for an R with my mom but that never happened.
So please, don't think he is normalizing her infidelity. He wants no part of any of that. He just wants a mom/son R and a dad/son R. That's it.
Hello Andrew
My kids have told me they would be ok with a stepmom. Again, I am not on the well travelled path and unsure of how helpful anything I share will be.
My kids and I have discussed many things. First kiss, first heart break, first drink, BF, GF, dating, staying over, getting a hotel room, and even trying drugs. (For anyone reading along who doesn’t know me, I have four kids not just one busy one)
Regarding their Mom, we have discussed their anger, disappointment, feeling betrayed, abandonment, and desire to live with me. MLC, compassion, love, hope, forgiveness have all been talked about and are openly accepted.
We do not speak poorly or badly about W as a person. Her behaviour is recognized as poor, even immoral. However the person is hurting and hurt people hurt people. OM for the most part gets similar treatment.
They have all found detachment and indifference as well, releasing their anger and letting go, following my lead so it seems.
With all this, their relationship with their Mom is theirs’, not mine. I have run into their boundary regarding their Mom and what they wish to discuss, or more accurately when they wish to discuss. They want to talk, it just takes time for them to get to that point. If I asked to soon, I know it - there is an instant change in them. However, when enough time has elapsed all are quite chatty about their feelings and whatever they have seen or heard.
I put the cause of the delay to indifference. They are not as mature as I, and have not spent as much time in their emotional cars. A perfectly normal and reasonable response for teens and young adults.
When one comes home from a visit with Mom and OM (if he is around, btw no one really wants to see or deal with him), they do not want to talk about it. You have probably seen something like that I’m sure.
If more than one kids visits, like all five a Christmas, they all come back chatting and laughing and will talk right away.
As I said, indifference, their wall, their protection. They cannot raise and lower it quickly like their old man. It takes time, and time to process their feelings. Their emotional maturity can be seen with their quickness in recovery and discussions. The order from most to least is S21, GF20, S20, D16, and S18. D16 and S18 are basically tied most days. Their walls are needed more when alone; while in a group they can respond to and support each other and the need for indifference is less.
I am pretty sure some form of indifference is extended to me as well. They are teens and young adults after all. So that also explains some of the reluctance for conversing at different times.
Again, not sure how helpful that may be. Perhaps you see similar patterns with S24.
At any rate, if I were to say to any of them, I have a date on Wednesday and won’t be home for supper, I would not expect a sour face and don’t tell me about your love life. Depending on the mood of the kid in question I would get at worse a bland neutral grunt all the way to OMG, who is she, what does she look like, is it WL from work, etc...
S24’s response, to me, suggests he is troubled by something. I do not believe it to be directly about your love life, that is just handy. It probably is related to relationships in some fashion - his most likely. Empathy is a skill that is gained and learned, and young people are self first, so it stands to reason that his reaction is about himself. An empathic negative response from S24 is unwarranted and unlikely given his age.
For now just let him know you won’t be home. As more and more dates happen, he will come around. He will ask/talk when he is ready.
DnJ
Andrew,
I know exactly what's eating S24; it's fear. It's not the garden variety fear. It's the kind of fear that shakes you to the core and makes you pinch a loaf in your britches. It's the kind of fear everyone is afraid of.
What's the source of his fear? He's afraid you'll get your first taste of strange nookie and then the entire world will be turned inside out. His normally stoic Canadian old codger father will be turned into a horrific carnival of wanton lust and desire. His dad, his only dad, will be taking endless bubble baths with lavender bath bombs whilst singing bubblegum pop songs from the eighties. Prancing around the kitchen making pies while wearing a silly grin. All of the kvetching will be replaced by happiness and light. The father he once knew is now skipping naked through the snow and humping trees.
The thought of that is disgusting. How could you let this happen? Please don't become "that guy." Don't abandon us.
Thanks for that mental image, doodler. Now I'm picturing Andrew frolicking through a snowy wooded area.
Andrew, my dear Andrew, I have been reading along and honestly, I think Ginger calling you out was dead on. I think there is a part of you that WANTS S24 to carry info back to his mother. I'm not saying that you are trying to one up her or anything and I don't even think it is a conscious thing on your part. I just think you want a way to say "hey, I'm gonna be fine" and dating is one way to show that and kind of rub her nose in what she let go of. Again, I honestly don't even think you are doing it consciously. But, you yourself have said many times here that you think S24 is being used by his mom to get info from your social media and such, so why not just directly pump him for info if she's going to go to all that trouble. And, someone said (don't even remember who) that S24 is likely NOT comfortable with hearing about any of it for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that the less he knows, the less he has to sugar coat for his mom's sake. If he knows nothing and she does ask, he can HONESTLY tell her he knows nothing. Put yourself in his shoes for a second....at what point would you have wanted to hear about your father's romantic escapades? I don't know about you, but in my book, that is going to be a big NEVER!
I know it is hard to NOT think about the what ifs and all that, but you really not to stop concerning yourself with what XW is thinking and what the relationship between S24 and XW is. They are both adults and their relationship is solely between them. One of the things that stands out to me in all of your posts is that while S24 is obviously well into his adult life, you seem to still view him as a child. And, I think that has a lot to do with the fact that at 24, he still lives at home and is still, for all intents and purposes, taken care of by you. You are still very much dad, taking care of the house, paying the bills, providing meals. You've never said or if you have, I either don't remember or didn't catch it, but I wonder if S24 does his own laundry. Sometimes you speak of him as a grown man, but more often than not, when you talk of him, it seems as though you are describing someone much younger. I get that he is your son and you will always see him a certain way, but it kind of seems like you don't want to quite cut the apron strings just yet, so to speak.
I adore you and think that your interactions with your son are likely just part of your character in that you are a lover, a giver, a rescuer and you are a very deeply caring person. You obviously adore both of your children, but you don't seem to be nearly as enamored of your daughter's relationship to her mother as you are of your son's. Again, he's an adult, so whatever their relationship to each other is IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Try to stop analyzing every little step he takes related to his mom. It is keeping you in a weird limbo that is not good for you. I have said this to you before, Andrew, but it bears repeating over and over and over again......LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And then the next day I will be having coffee with someone who I hope is a nice lady and getting my piano tuned.
Can't believe Doodler let this line go by ......
The father he once knew is now skipping naked through the snow and humping trees.
The thought of that is disgusting. How could you let this happen? Please don't become "that guy." Don't abandon us.
But what if it's a cute and freely consenting tree?
Dawn - I do little for S24. I do all the dishes, clean the house except his room, buy the groceries, and make Sunday supper. Everything else he does for himself. The incremental workload on having him there vs not is minimal. A couple of more dirty plates and a few more groceries in the cart.
And then the next day I will be having coffee with someone who I hope is a nice lady and getting my piano tuned.
Can't believe Doodler let this line go by ......
Drew,
I can't believe it either. How'd I miss that? There are two possible reasons I missed it:
1. I know the piano tuner won't actually show up until all of the snow and ice has melted. That'll be sometime in late June.
2. I'm a very slooooow reader. I'm a mouth breather and I move my lips when I read (kind of a silent read aloud type of thing that runs in my family). Andrew's posts can be long. I really like it when he has dashed lines in his posts because I use those to mark my place when I take a break to potty, grab a snack and take a nap. Sometimes though, I forget which dashed line I used to mark my place so I just guess; I don't really want to re-read anything. I'm sure that I occasionally skip over sections that I haven't actually read.
Those are my excuses and I think they're good excuses.
DnJ - I neglected to respond to your thoughtful post. I think that you and your kids are in a very different place then I am with mine. You guys are far more of a "team".
I have strong boundaries where I don't ask / don't hear about the kids' mother which they respect / stay on their side of. They are also far more neutral as well I believe. I recall D26 telling me that one of her friends was very concerned about her and the impact of the divorce (she has a lot of friends who are children of a divorced family). She said that she told that friend that it didn't bother her one way or another since she is living a fully independent life. Her husband actually joked (before he got swatted) that they are happy to get twice as many parental visits now. I suspect that S24 is in a similar situation. He has two parents. They live in different places. He sees his mother about as often as he used to when he was living in Oshawa.
I do also believe that both of them are somewhat uncomfortable with the prospect of me dating even though it's been well over a year since I went on my first date in late 2017. That is something that is my own business, not theirs and they'll just have to get used to that. It is "different" and "unusual" though. What they think of OM is unknown but that is une situation de fait accompli and so is undoubtedly different.
Dawn - I do little for S24. I do all the dishes, clean the house except his room, buy the groceries, and make Sunday supper. Everything else he does for himself. The incremental workload on having him there vs not is minimal. A couple of more dirty plates and a few more groceries in the cart.
Andrew, love, you kind of made my point for me. You do "little" for him and to you "little" is taking care of the house and buying groceries. So, what is really left for him to handle on his own? He cleans his own room, which you specifically mentioned, and presumably does his laundry and prepare occasional meals. I'm not trying to belabor the point but I do think that the fact that you are still very much in dad mode with him rather than shifting the focus to him as ADULT son is probably coloring your view a little bit. And, honestly, likely coloring his a little bit too. Like I said before, I think it speaks to your nature as a care-taker. I think that you and S24 are both quite comfortable with this set-up and both benefit from it, which is likely one reason that he lingers.
I have to wonder, though, if this isn't so much about you and your son specifically as it is about his generation in general. I do think that his age group is one that does tend to sit back and let things happen rather than taking action a little more than some of the older generations. I see it with one of my own daughters and her husband as well, though they are both a few years older than your S. They kind of wait to see what people offer them rather than making things happen for themselves. I'm not saying it is necessarily a bad thing, but I do think it shows that this is a generation that was coddled.
Anyway, I digress because the point of all this is your dating life and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to know details. We, on the other hand, are all about getting the details, so feel free to share here and I PROMISE not to roll my eyes.
Dawn - I do little for S24. I do all the dishes, clean the house except his room, buy the groceries, and make Sunday supper. Everything else he does for himself. The incremental workload on having him there vs not is minimal. A couple of more dirty plates and a few more groceries in the cart.
Andrew, love, you kind of made my point for me. You do "little" for him and to you "little" is taking care of the house and buying groceries.
And I have to say I think both of you are also missing the fact that S24 doesn't have to pay any rent or house payment - that too is taken care of for him, as is insurance (on the home and belongings), repairs, cutting the grass, clearing the snow, paying the electric bill and the heat and water and cable television and Internet. There are home repairs and furnishings. Should I go on? I'm sure if two columns were drawn listing responsibilities/duties of Andrew and responsibilities/duties of S24. the first list would span several pages, wile the second????
Mind you I'm not arguing or debating if any of this is good or bad or somewhere in the middle - I'm just pointing out that it is - and most or at least many don't stop to even think about it. It truly is the frog in the boiling pot of water. Now true, most, at least much of this would have to be done anyhow. But that cuts both ways, if Andrew was not doing it, S24 would have to - wherever he was living.
I didn’t miss that at all, Don. That is kind of what I was getting at when I asked what was left for S24 to do. 😉
Had a laugh over this evening's texting. "How will you know it's me?" she asks. Well I suggest that her posted picture is "perhaps" older but that I think I remember what she looks like.
So she's going to be wearing a black coat.
Oh. And doodler - I was dancing along to the Beach Boys while doing dishes. Not the 80s I know but in that general direction.
Fingers crossed that the freezing rain in the forecast will hold off long enough. It does give a reason for coffee to not go on too long.
A black coat as a distinguishing feature?
Oh. And doodler - I was dancing along to the Beach Boys while doing dishes. Not the 80s I know but in that general direction.
Andrew,
I'm so proud of you! The Beach Boys -- that reminds me of the movie "50 First Dates." Have fun on your date tonight.
Today's the big day, Andrew. I can't wait to hear about it! I hope you have fun.
A black coat? So many people wear black coats. You might want to wear one of your "bright" colored bow ties so that she can pick you out in the crowd.
Good luck and just enjoy yourself!
Watch for the signs of attraction. Hair flipping, breaking the touch barrier, sitting turned towards you, etc. If you have a romantic interest always go for the kiss!!! I remember my first date post D, I was nervous and like a deer in headlights. You will be great!!
Ooooooo just realised what day it is!
Hope you have a lovely time Andrew
Laughing thinking about my invisible audience waiting for an update.
Date went well. Pictures were certainly not representative. She does have a lovely smile and sparkling eyes. We closed the coffee shop and the pie was tasty. No smooches but extra friendly hugs. 2nd date tentatively planned for brunch Sunday depending on some travel plans that Brenda has on Saturday and the weather.
She and I seem compatible but have several different interests and not a huge amount of overlap that I noticed.
Some red flags that will bear watching especially including the fact that she is in no hurry it seems to divorce although she says that she has put him firmly in the rear-view and there is a fair bit of geography between them as he lives in North/Central Ontario. Certainly some practical things that have not been sorted out.
And there are an astounding number of women who wear black coats
Thank you and looking forward to next date texts exchanged. Time for me to make tomorrow's lunch and do the dishes.
What part was not representative?
What part was not representative?
Well the pictures were certainly of her but the main one she had up had to be at least 15 years old.
She's a year or so older than me. Gravity is a thing. She is a fine looking mature woman still. Why she posted misleading photos is a question perhaps not worth asking but worth remembering. It "is" incredibly common according to what I understand.
It does raise the question of course - which would be needed to be examined no matter what - how much can be believed. We had enough coffee to awaken Dawn's entire early morning class and a fairly nice piece of pie each. Over that time we learned a bit about each other and our back stories.
Married twice. 4 kids from the first marriage, the last of whom is significantly taller than the others and a "vascectomy mistake". Met / possibly married husband #2 4 months after leaving #1 who if I remember correctly was abusive.
With #2 for over 20 years. 2 step-kids. Left after his second affair. She tells a story that could be copy/pasted from many LBS here. He's "depressed". She's not pushing for divorce / property settlement until after he "gets better". He's supposedly working on getting current OW a visa to move to Canada - we've heard this song before. If OW moves in to the house that's her red-line that it needs to be sold otherwise she's waiting for him to get out of his "depression". It certainly appears to me that she's not completely let go of that past life even though she claims no interest in reconciliation. The cynic in me suggests that she's shopping for a better deal while "standing".
From the timelines as she mentioned them including her dating experience thus far, she started started dating not long after leaving with somewhat typical experience. Clingers. Future fakers etc. Not sure how far any of those relationships went. She had to block at least one and got ghosted by at least one. I think she's had a fair number of first dates.
I have a tendency to believe people and take them at face value. A couple of years ago I wouldn't have any issues with any of this. It's plausible. It very likely is true. One date certainly isn't the measure of a person though. So I'm being careful. And I hate being a cynic and will try to not have that colour any interaction.
A couple of other things since I've had a chance to think about it (reconciliation nightmares last night - not unexpected).
- She's not a reader and doesn't seem to have any interest in current events or history.
- She's spent her entire life taking care of people including right now her adult son and his 2 kids that he has full custody of after a messy split. So she's taking care of all of them. It was part of how he got custody. He's not working because of child-care which I don't believe includes a lot of housework. He does have a girlfriend in the local city (how?) that she drives him up to because he doesn't drive. She seems very very tired of taking care of everyone but also proud of it.
- She likes going on cruises and I believe that she had a very comfortable lifestyle prior to her split. Her STBX(?) is 61 and has been retired with a very good pension for a while.
- She likes to gamble - moderately she says. Lottery tickets and rarely casino.
- Not sure about how she's funding all of this on a retail clerk's income. She perhaps is getting unofficial support payments.
- Post divorce she should do reasonably well in the settlement and be self-suffucient
- Family is very very big for her. Much time spent with her 7 siblings most of whom are 15 years older than her and also with her kids and handful of grandkids.
We did have a very nice time. I did get a lot of "I'm very interested" body language that didn't include any of the things you mentioned J9. She's not 12 though. I think she'd had a very long ad stressful day and was certainly drooping by the end of the 2 hour coffee date. And neither of us are as young as we used to be.
Well - enough for now. Time to hop in to the shower and get my day underway. I'll undoubtedly get / send some messages to Brenda this morning. So far - and while fully recognizing the things I've mentioned - I do like her. She is kind, clever, positive. And does have a lovely smile.
Andrew,
It sounds like you had a nice evening with Brenda, and I'm glad you're dating. Along the way, I'm sure you'll find someone who'll mesh much better with your interests and sensibilities.
Agree w/doodler. It does sound like you had a nice evening. Try not to be too judgmental of what she has done in the past. Focus on the present and just enjoy meeting up w/someone and having a coffee/tea/dinner. Neither of you is ready for a serious relationship between the two of you.
You've take the first step in dipping your toe in the dating pool. There will be many more for you to meet up with as time moves along. Just enjoy the dating game and when you aren't looking, you'll find the right one.
Nice job Andrew. The first one is always the hardest. !
Nice job Andrew. The first one is always the hardest. !
Good thing this is number 3
1st online date? Well then your a pro!
I'm so glad you seemed to have a nice evening and hopefully she did as well. You just seem like such a genuinely nice man and I hope she is a genuinely nice lady who really appreciates that. Nice guys...REAL nice guys...are hard to find. Also, as a woman who is not traditionally attractive by societal standards, I greatly appreciate that you are far more interested in getting to know WHO she is than what she looks like. Good for you. I hope you get to have your brunch date this weekend and get to know each other even more.
Thanks everyone.
Some nice early morning texts from Brenda. I told her that my day would be brighter for the memory of her lovely smile (are you taking notes J9?) The flirting level has increased modestly on both sides.
The weather forecast for Sunday looks not too bad at present. Fingers crossed that date #2 will happen as hoped for.
On an "it doesn't really matter" subject. I got home last night a bit after 7:00
S24 - where you out for dinner?
DAD - no - just for coffee.
S24 - did you have a good time?
DAD - I did indeed. It's garbage day tomorrow - do you mind going around and emptying?
S24 - no problem
I checked the scale this morning and my efforts to re-implement a modified LBS diet seems to have worked a bit. I'm down a bit over 5 lbs from my weight a few weeks ago. Through the week I'm trying to stay between 1300 and 1800 calories and make healthy choices including upping my activity level. Not always effective. Being "good" when you aren't faced with crushing depression can be difficult. That's about 400 calories more than when I lost 50 lbs in the course of just a few weeks after bomb-day. I have another 10 to go to reach the point I am serious about - where I can again fit in to the wool pants I bought (and then shrank and re-stretched) last fall.
With all the excitement last night, I forgot to take my blood pressure pills and was pleased this morning that according to my machine that I was in the "warn" range. Usually I am in the "high" range but have dipped in to warn a few times now since I've been putting more effort in to weight loss. To get below the "warn" range I figure I need to lose 20lbs from where I am now putting me back where I was I believe about a year ago.
New thread - the pie course. Part of a balanced diet. I do still need to decide what to make for this coming Sunday's supper. S24 is home from work today. He said that he was going to make banana / chocolate chip muffins but those won't feed us until then.
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