Home Sweet Home #2At the beginning of every new year I simply hope for the next one to be better than the last and I try to simply remain thankful for all I accomplish and just surviving another year.
Last year was crazy as usual, another surgery, a new job, a new house, and a new boyfriend. Lots of good stuff in one year. The beginning really stunk, but it picked up in the second half.
looking to a new job this year, again.keeping my fingers crossed for my interview on Thursday. Still trying to overcome fears and scars that revolve around relationships and rejection. But I am learning to just be in the moment and quit worrying about the future.
As a part of my new year crap, I got on the scale. I haven't in months. And I weigh 10lbs more than I though I did. I haven't weighed this much since the end of my second trimester of pregnancy. I usually don't make a new years resolution out of weight loss, but I have to. For my health. So I just plan to dedicate more time to myself and my health.
I have been nauseous since last night, I think the antibiotics are affecting me a little. Maybe it's a good thing. But my other symptoms are much better. I got stuff done last night and built a shelving unit for D11 she's been wanting, so I got a little surprise for her. Depending on how I feel, I might drop by a friend's house tonight, but I working tomorrow and today, so I most likely won't be staying up until midnight. Wish I could kiss my man, but I am ever so thankful I have a man to kiss after the new year. D11 will be home when I get home from work tomorrow. I miss her much. Thursday I get to see M.
Good stuff, I really do hope everything continues in an upswing.
Ginger,
Last year didn't start out as well as expected for you, but the end of the year turned out to so much better. You accomplished a lot in 2018 and 2109 will be even better.
As for the weight gain, stress, the inactivity while recovering from surgery and sitting at your job may have contributed to the weight gain. You shouldn't have a problem losing those pounds this year, especially w/the pup. Walking him when the weather is better will be an incentive to get out there and lose the weight.
I am sure you know this already, but are you eating something before taking the meds? Sometimes we tend to forget to eat something before taking them. I do hope you feel better very soon. Don't push yourself if you aren't feeling well.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
On New Year's eve I came home from work, it was pouring and I was feeling blah. My friend invited me over, but I just wasn't up to it. I had been kind of down and out for a few days. I couldn't put my finger on it. I thought it was because I missed M and wish I could have been with him, but I think it was more because I missed having my D around. The house just isn't the same without her. She is such a presence and is so missed when she isn't there. However, her dad left her with grandma and her little cousins on NYE and the adults went out. She facetimed me for the ball drop and we got to ring in the new years together. I was a little pissed because it was just her and her grandma, D11 told me they had to deal with unruly kids and getting them to bed and they went to bed at like 9:30. I would have taken D11 to my friends house where her friends are too. I worked yesterday and that was nice money and not bad at all. I saw a few people and they all asked "are you getting the job? We really all hope you get the job!" Me too! I dread coming to my current full-time job.
D11 came home yesterday when I got home from work. She was thrilled to be home, but then she had her "I don't see my Daddy enough" crying attack. She says the divorce is unfair to her because she barely gets to see her dad, and when she does they are either at his sisters house or he's playing his game. It angers me that he doesn't see her more because it is HIS choice, which I can't tell her. It would break her. I lie for him. I had to pull teeth to get him to take her tomorrow night so I could see M. She has no clue about that. I asked her what might make things better that is within our control and she said "life is just unfair, I'll deal with it". Broke my heart. I know her father won't take anymore weeknights. But I was thinking about giving up one of my Friday night's a month if he will have it. Of course, that takes away the relaxing times I get to have with her, but if it makes her feel better, then I will sacrifice it. I decided it was the right time to tell her I was planning to take her to an indoor waterpark in 2 weeks and she could invite a friend. It cheered her right up and she told me, "Mommy, thanks so much for trying to make everything better, this really cheers me up. You have always taken such good care of me and I love you so much" Was it a bribe? Nah. It was something I was going to do for her and it made her feel better.
On a happier note, the last weekend in Janurary, M and I are planning a trip to Vermont at this great ski resort. Our first trip together. I am really excited, I have never been to Vermont. I am also excited to try snowboarding for the first time and the "après ski" (a term I just learned) is awesome out there. I am really looking forward to spending a whole weekend with him and having fun. I miss him much and until then, we won't even be seeing eachother too much because I am working my next free weekend. We hang out after work, but still, I look forward to having one on one time. And the first half of the first day I'll be taking lessons while he hits the trails of his level.
I've been eating super healthy since 12/31/18 and weighing myself everyday and I m going to get fit again. It's not so much for the looks of it (well, part of it, I took pride when I worked out hard and looked decent) but my health. I don't feel as good as I did when I was in good shape and eating right. It's not a resolution. It's just time now the craziness is dying down to focus back to me a little.
Good luck with your interview! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you to get this new job.
I hope you get the job. It's time for you to have a change whereby you feel good about getting up and going to work. When you dislike the place where you are working, it makes it a long day each and every day. I bet if you were in a place you liked, the stress would drop and the weight would come off. Stress does help to pack on the pounds too.
Enjoy the rest of the week, if you can.
I am also excited to try snowboarding for the first time
Ok - warning - you will feel like you got hit by a truck afterwards. You fall a lot the first day. Wear wrist guards.
The best thing my ex ever did for me was schedule me a massage for the day after my first snowboarding lesson.
And if conditions are anything other than deep soft powder, consider wearing padding over your tailbone (I had some kind of a pad - I think maybe we made it from a dense foam backpacking sleeping pad - that I slipped into my snowpants. But I hear they now make special impact shorts. Trust me you won't regret them.)
That said - snowboarding is hella fun
Thanks! Today is the big day and I hope to hear back sometimes next week.
Today is also the day I get to see M after 10 days! I can't wait.
Well, our first official trip is booked together! Killington, here we come! I am excited and nervous about snowboarding. I am getting the lessons and he was giving me good tips last night.
I went skiing with my ex first when I was 19 and when I was 20 for my first time. He is about the most least patient man and mean. The first time he was kind of nice and somewhat patient. The next time, he was downright evil. We went with his friends, he brought me up the mountain and told me I should have known what to do from the one time from the year before. Many other absolutely awful things happened that day, and I never attempted again. I do remember the soreness! I am a crossfitter/weightlifter/kickboxer, and I never knew a muscle pain like that! It lasted for days. Good new is there is a heated outdoor pool and he said he would give me a massage:) I didn't even have to ask.
We are doing Killington in hopes for soft powder. We live by a decent amount of trails in NJ/NY/PA and they aren't the best right now although he went to one with his son this past weekend and it wasn't too bad. When I went with my ex, it was April, so slushy and it was rough.
I've been on top of my diet, lost 3 lbs since Monday, will probably have a drink or two tonight, but I'll be back on track otherwise. I went to the gym last night and D11 says "please don't go!" that's why it is so hard to stick to it. But I told her it's only an hour and she has homework, so she will just have to deal. She was fine, of course. Mommy guilt is a real thing.
So glad for your trip and relationship! You deserve this. Seriously.
Just wanted to say, I can so relate to listening to your child feel upset about the divorce being unfair. My son was recently telling me about how the 2nd worst thing that can happen to someone happened to him - that being that his parents divorced. (1st worst thing would be if I died) He too is upset because he does not see his dad enough. I do not tell him, its because his dad does not want it. They are too young to understand that in their case, its not the word "divorce" that [censored]. Its the word "dad" and I feel really bad for the day they have to come to terms with it. What I have been saying when my son asks questions is "Daddy loves you, but he has problems". I do not say this to disparage my ex. I just want my son to know that it is not him. That his dads rejection has nothing to do with him. Its a fine line. I know it.
Hey Ju! Thanks, Things have been finally treating me pretty good in the R area. My ex will always remain the same arse, ufortunately. And I do lie to her, because I don't want to crush her little soul. What girl wants to hear that their Daddy chooses not to see her more? That would just set her up for guy issues and relationship issues and bad choices in the future. These are the times I want to rage at him. I also know he doesn't feel like a normal person, so none of this would even get through. She seems to have forgotten all about her sadness now that I am taking her and her friend to an indoor water park. It's pretty much all she can focus on.
I had my interview yesterday and I feel it went really well. The biggest boss and then the one right under her interviewed me (I have interviewed with them before and currently work for them) The bigger boss is a little more stoic (she is actually a hippie wiccan. Her office reeks of patchouli" and the other woman obviously wants me to have the job. It is for the craziest floor in the whole hospital which I am totally cool with. They asked questions regarding that and I seemed to have impressed them with my answers. The biggest boss concluded with "well, we have more interviews, but we are looking to fill the position rather quickly, so you will know next week. How many weeks would you have to give you current job? I will have to talk to your manager so they can release you to me" so, she starts to talk like I have the job. So, who knows. I am just praying.
I got to see M last night, yay!!! I am glad that we can go 10 days without seeing each other and then be so excited to se eachother and comfortable at the same time. We had some apps and beers, caught up, spoke excitedly about our upcoming trip together. It's just a weekend, but we really haven't gotten to spend that consecutive sort of time with each other. He slept over and yeah, ya know, 10 days...... I can't see him until next week again, and I felt like last night just wasn't enough time. I guess it keeps things fresh though.
This weekend if crazy busy with D11's cheer banquet and de-christmasizing my home. And I plan to take D11 to yoga tomorrow morning and Spin for me on Sunday. encouraging a healthy lifestyle for the both of us.
That's my boring update. Hopefully I can update soon about a new job!
Good luck on the job G. Glad to read where things are going. Keep shining for D11!
It's so sad but in my experience what you Ginger and also JuJuB are experiencing with the fathers is far more common than you may think. It's why it's so so so so incredibly important to chose well when you chose a mate and have a child. But God and the universe has us making baby's before our own brains are even done growing. So please don't beat yourselves up but while we can D our spouse, our kids are always going to have them as parents - no matter how bad they are.
But back to my point, I see it all over and experienced it in my own marriage. My step kids dad was given the I guess somewhat standard at that time every other weekend and one night a week. For as long as I was in their life - from ages 7/9 to out of high school, he NEVER or rarely if ever took them on the one night a week. NEVER!!! He didn't live too far away but his "excuse" was it's too far to come out, he has to get up for work early, blah, blah, blah. So they were left with two weekends out of the month. Oh but even that was rare. He'd often pick them up on Friday, leave them with his parents - their grandparents and go out on Friday night. They might spend some time together on Saturday and I'm less sure what happened but they were there with him. He was to return them by I think 5 PM on Sunday. Commonly they'd be dropped off earlier in the afternoon and late Sunday morning was not uncommon. So essentially he had one day with them.
The result was a step son that craved his dad and wants to be like him to this day. Dad never came to their games or events - or at least rarely. I know because I was there. The problem is, you can try to shelter them from it all you want - and I think you should try your very best - but they figure it out. Even D11 I'm sure feels there is something wrong with her and that's why her dad doesn't want to spend time with her. I can give you hope in that my stepdaughter never had the daddy issue and chose well with guys. She's married longer than her mom and I were and has two kids and a masters degree with a great job and great husband. But she's an extraordinary kid - now adult. I'd like to think I had at least a tiny bit to do with that. Step son I think still struggles as he tries anything in his power to get his dads attention and please him.
And I continue to see this same thing happen all over the place. I see it with D'd friends of mine, I saw it first hand for a few months with Wild Girl's kids who have zero R with their father. And I see it with mothers too. I have another set of D'd friends where the father does an incredible job while the mother is posting about a new BF on Facebook every month. And every dopey guy is paraded through the kid's lives. So please don't think you are in the minority of situations like this - you are not. It's far too common. If I could give you dozens of examples I know it's all over the place.
I wish there was something you could do - there just is not. Life is not fair and that even includes our kids. It's common to over-compensate and try to make up for the bad parent by doing extra. I saw that with my ex W. I'm not sure it helped them as much as she thinks it did. In the end, kids mostly want our time and attention. The best we can possibly do is chose very, very, very wisely and think very hard before having another child with a new guy.
I've never been blessed with children of my own, but I am the stepmother to 3 lovely women and soon to be step mother to another. My daughters were 12, 14, and 16 when I married their dad (my XH). Unfortunately, many of the traits that you and Juju are seeing in your XHs I saw in the girls' mom. She would take them for weekends, then leave them home alone to go be with her boyfriend. If they pushed her about it, since they were old enough to actually voice their opinions, she would either make them stay with her parents or she'd begrudgingly take them with her then ignore them all weekend. It was really sad and had a lasting effect on my girls that I still see to some extent today. They have rebuilt a relationship with their mother in adulthood, mainly because she kept reaching out and I urged them to not shut her out and I think we are all better for it now, but it was a really sad thing to witness in the moment. To her credit, despite the fact that she's a looney tune, their mother has really gone out of her way to repair the damage she did and she is an excellent grandmother to the girls' children. I'm so sorry you are going through that and even more sorry for D11. But, I'm quite sure that she absolutely has an outstanding mom to take care of her.
I think being a parent is a great privilege. A parent (step parent included) has the privilege of helping to guide this little soul into the world. Their guidance and actions have such an impact on a life and on other lives affected by that life and so on. Being a good parent impacts the world as a whole. To me, it is the most important and meaningful jand difficult ob in the world. For reasons i cant quite put into words from a phone with a broken screen.
When someone rejects their role as a parent, it feels like a really big sin. They are not only shunning the good of society. They are shunning their own flesh and blood. To me, its a worse crime then murder. They are given this incredible gift, and to discard it the way they do is just unforgiveable. My brother had to take his son off of life support. I know so many people that would give up limbs to have children.
Its also irresponsible. To electively leave you child for others to take care of, is synonomous with taking a crap in the middle of the floor and forcing someone else to clean it. These people are not only irresponsible. They are disgusting and bad for society.
I was really cautious when marrying my ex. He went to top schools. Straight a's. Had/has a great job. Wanted kids. His mom and dad were together. He never cheated on a partner. He never flirted with other women. He didnt like to drink when we were young. All he did was smoke a little weed on weekends. We dated 3 years before moving in and lived together for 4 years before getting married and having a child. I didnt know about all the secrets. I didnt know about his irresponsibility until my son was born. I dont know what else i could have done differently in choosing other then question his saving habits. In my case, it could have been a pain killer addiction combined with hidden or denied foo.iisues..but im not 100 percent sure.
Point being, you cant always predict or choose wisely.
Thank you Don. I just ripped you a new A hole on your thread, but only because you are my friend.
I agree, minimally involved parents a darn shame and make no sense. My ex does his every other weekend and one night a week plus vacations. Some would think that is great. But when you don't get to see your kid everyday your child wants to see you more, and your exW doesn't give you push back, you should be super excited to have the opportunity. I know M would be.
I don't really overcompensate. There are rules in this house, privileges are earned. The water park was a plan and I knew it was the right time to let her know.
Which has caused all the drama in her middle school world. I'll spare you the details of the preteen friend's circle. But D11 has had the same BFF since kindergarten and just this year they expanded their friends circle. D11 chose to bring someone else to the waterpark and her friend is super upset and feels very upset that D11 says she has 2 best friends.
D11 was vey upset last night, and she shared with me and listened to my advice. She also handled the situation beautifully. I am really impressed by her. This is a whole new world and stage in parenting, the teenage drama. But I can't tell you how relieved I am she comes to me to talk and for advice.
I have to take her and the friend she was fighting with to the banquet today because her mom had surgery. She is like my only friend there and the only one who makes it fun for me. Ugh. It's not for me anyways, it's for them, I am just the chauffeur. Hopefully they get along, but they seem to have resolved this very nicely.
I have to go over another week without seeing M again. He's busy this week. It stinks, but I am taking a night to get my hair did anyways and since I'll be working 12 days in a row, I need the time to get everything organized and easier flowing. It just stinks. I want to have the kids talk..... I am guessing that is something he is waiting for me to initiate. We never really have R talks. I am so scarred by them, I am terrified to have them. I am ready to introduce D11 to him. I would love to meet his son, I know his sitch is a little more complicated, but for him to meet D11, I am ready. Not to hang out all the time, but to meet eachother. Hopefully I get the courage to ask.
Ginger, first I don't feel like you ripped me a new one - or if you did, you're not very good at it. LMAO. You did misquote me though but I corrected that on my own thread and totally appreciate and agree with many of your thoughts and comments
So three friends. There are books written about this dynamic. I'll bet it's taught in phycology classes. It can be fraught with pitfalls. I'm very glad but not at all surprised she comes to you - not surprised at all and for that you should feel great. But with three, one is always feeling left out. Didn't Big Band Theory feature this often with the three girls?
Now M... I know how you worry so the last thing I'd want to do is foster that. I may also sound like I'm contradicting myself now but it seems he's been "busy" for longer stretches now. May very well be nothing. But not meeting some core family at this point... Hmmmmm. Not meeting the kids yet I think is okay but even that too - talking a quick casual meeting not doing things together.
It may well mean nothing or he may just be needing some time. In the off chance I'm correct, don't freak out - in general or with him. He may not just be ready yet - that's about him and does not mean he doesn't want to continue with you. From all you say I think he does. He may not just yet be ready for more and at this point that's still okay I'm not saying you should not broach the subject. Just don't react and revolt if he says not yet. Give him the time he may (or may not) need. In fact you might wait until after your ski trip. NOT DURING but after. He's clearly into you but even guys who are into you sometimes need a little space and time. If in fact he does, it's okay. The best thing you can do is pull back a bit, have a whatever attitude and let him come to you. The worst thing would be to chase, crowd or cry about what's wrong and why not and are you leaving me. Don't go there. Let him go to his cave and come back as John Grey says.
Hi there G. Just a different perspective from Don. As a single dad myself with relatively few responsibilities I find very like M does that it is tough making time happen. I'm sure it's tougher for him as he not only has work like I do, but needs to do active parenting and is more involved with an extended family than I am. I'm a firm believer in Occam's Razor - the simplest answer is often the correct one.
One thing that you've touched though that I wanted to suggest you give some hard thought to. Babies. They're cute even when they are covered with goo. I sense you waffling on this. Now - I'm certainly not a medical expert but know from growing up around horses (sorry if the analogy offends - it's intended to make a smile) that eggs get old. It's well known that if you want a top notch foal that you start with a young mare. And you my dear - for all that you are significantly younger than I am - are towards the end of your child-bearing years. You could probably make a fine and healthy baby but the risks of not are increasing. There's also the whole poop, constant demands on time, setback in your career thing to think of.
I'd like to suggest that you make yourself a nice bubble bath (my favourite place to think), have a nice glass of something you like, soak and really really think about what do you want. Not a baby to bind you two together. Not a baby to make him happy. I'm asking you to be selfish and think about you and only you.
No need to answer me but I think that you need to know the answer to this before it becomes a question. To be sure down to your bones on what you want.
I do know that for me as a guy in my mid-50s if some young hottie came up to me and wanted to make babies, the answer would be a definitive no. With some minor surgery I'm undoubtedly capable of making a fine contribution, but I know that that time of my life is past.
((G))
Very well said Andrew.
Ginger,
You really like this guy, but you've only been dating him for a few months. What is the rush to have relationship talks and babies? What is the urgency to make this a permanent thing? Both of you are single parents trying to do and be all for your kids. It's difficult enough trying to make time for the kids, work and for yourselves at the moment. Enjoy the time you spend together for now and really, really get to know each other. I'm not saying not to think about the future...but you two really haven't had that much time to enjoy life and see all the warts and flaws in the mix. Now, if you had been dating for a year, then I think it would time to time discuss a deeper relationship and as for babies...well, I wouldn't go there unless you both were in a very committed relationship, plan to marry in the next few months and then the discussion of babies would come up. If you are worried about your biological clock ticking, freeze your eggs and when the time comes, you will still have viable eggs.
Whatever you decide, make sure it is truly what YOU want and not because you are trying to please him or tell him something that you think he wants to hear.
I’m on my phone and can’t really reply as I would like right now, but please let me clarify....
I wasn’t talking about having kids together! I was talking about the kids we currently have now and meeting them!!!!
One thing I will never do is bring another life into this world to make someone else happy. We are NO where near having that conversation. Am I sure I don’t want more kids? No. It’s really tough being 38 going onto 39 knowing your time is pretty much up. And I always imagined having 2 kids. But if I ever make that decision it’s bexause it’s something I want.
If I decide yes. I won’t rush it. I don’t have all the time in the world. But there is one thing I really fear. And that’s being a single parent again. If I was going to, I would want to do my best to avoid that.
More later when I’m on my computer.
Okay! Now that you have clarified the "having kids together". It makes more sense!
Six months girl. Six months.
Do not introduce your kids to your love interest for six months.
I know, everything seems to be going swimmingly, and it is. BUT - you need to date him for six months before you can reasonably know if this is really going to work out. Please don't introduce your daughter until then. She does NOT need another loss
G - I had my twins two months before my 40th birthday. Perfect pregnancy...beautiful babies...super healthy. My D was 8 lbs 1 oz and my S was 7 lbs 3 oz. Yes... I was as big as a house. So not too late yet.
I'm on a real computer now.
I am glad we all clarified the kid thing! Sorry if I wasn't clear. But it something that is on my mind, but for me as an individual, not for us as a couple.
Dejavu, if I didn't already have an 11 year old, I would say I definitely would absolutely have kids at this age! My exH left me when our first and only was 6 months old. I have only known life as a single, divorced mom. I have been parenting on my own her whole life. It hasn't been easy. When I didn't remarry and have kids before 35 as I wanted, I realized my daughter would be off to college when I was 45 and it would be "me" time. It comforted me a bit, as I have been doing this alone forever. I've been a mom since I was 27. Starting all over with a newborn at 40 is a little scary, honestly. And I am terrified to do this from scratch alone again. Also, unfortunately, I am a high risk pregnancy. My dear ex gave me HPV when we started dating which presented as precancerous cells on my cervix, which I had surgically removed and it badly scarred my cervix. I also did IVF, but because of my ex, not me. I don't even know if I could get pregnant. My daughter was also premature with a NICU stay. And I was a young 27!! So many scary factors. Honestly, if I could somehow guarantee a healthy pregnancy, and that my partner wouldn't leave me I would do it. I often have dreams I am pregnant but never have birth. I do not hold other people's babies, because I am too scared I'll take a whiff and want one. I am so glad you had to beautiful healthy babies. When we did IVF, we wanted B/G twins, because IVF is so stressful with the added fact, my exH has to get his nuts cut open too in order for us to have a baby. BUt I guess the higher powers knew that being left with 6 month old twins was not the best bet! So I balance the fact that my daughter is an against the odds baby and I am so lucky to even have her, to wanting to have another, but it just may not be in the cards.
As far as M distancing himself, I don't think so. It's a busy week. He has a meeting on his one free night and plans with his friends on another and his kid the other nights. It's tough for sure for us. And I want him to go to his friend's house. I get one night a week to myself which I give to him. I used to give it friends sometimes. I am torn at times myself. I work this upcoming weekend from 8-4, so we can spend sometime on Friday night, I'll probably just choose to come home and sleep on Saturday night and then invite him over for some cuddle time sunday after work. Yesterday he was sending me pictures from his nighttime snowboarding with friends and kids. We were joking around Friday morning on text. He was having a hard time sleeping at my house because the sun comes in and he got hot. So I turned the heat all the way down and put up blackout curtains. He told me he slept like a rock that night . I told him I am trying to make my bedroom a happy place for him. He said both my bedroom and me makes him very happy. I think we are cool. I worried at first when Don posted what he did. but I don't think there is a problem. He had his son for 10 days straight and there was nothing we could do about that.
We will be about 6 months when kids are introduced. Give or take a week. I just thought maybe we can open the gates to the discussion. I also know better to even mention it on the trip, especially when we are in the car together for 5 hours! I am going to do the trip first. Which I can't wait for, and neither can he. He might meet her that day when he comes to pick me up, but for a few minutes, I don't think that will do harm.
Anyways, when he told me he couldn't see me until Friday, I basically said, see you Friday!
I am trying to do everything right. I really really like this one.
I like 6 months. I have never introduced my girls to anyone but I imagine it would happen after I am secure in my relationship and both of us are working towards the same common end result. Sure nothing is guaranteed but I think really getting to know someone first would be critical and I just wouldn’t want to do it so I could spend more time with them.
How about 6 months in a group setting? Like a friends party? Or you can throw a housewarming party. The kids meet you guys, get to know you but nothing formal and they dont get anxious. Its light and social so no pressure on amyone?
I haven't decided exactly how it's going to happen, but I have had some ideas. They are pretty different in age, so at first I was thinking one kid at a time. Then I saw an even happening in February that I think we would all enjoy, so it might be a fun, no pressure way of hanging out. My D understands this, his S, not so much. So I think introductions would have to go a little differently. If we are getting technical, this even is 2 weeks shy of 6 months, but I think the setting is more important than beign exactly on target with 6 months.
That being said, we had a sort of disagreement yesterday! Well, not really a disagreement. But I was a little taken aback. Ever since D11 found out I was trying snowboarding, she wants to. I've been kind of pressing her to see if this something she truly wants to try. Her dad and I have been getting on her about having to do some sort of physical activity/sport all year around. Sitting on your butt out side of the cheerleading season isn't acceptable. I was telling M about it over text, and I had said if I do okay, I said I would take her for a lesson. He then said "Her chance to try is dependent upon your success or failure?" I explained that I am the one who would have to take her, snowboard with her outside of the lesson and if I can't do it, I can't help her. It's not a sport where I just drop her off to do it. So I would hate to get her a lesson, have her love it and not be able to do it. He then told me he understands what I am saying. probably because he can do it and bring his son, he didn't think about what would happen if he couldn't. He then was very sweet and said he thinks I'll be great and he is always more than happy to help both of us. So, I think we handled a difference in opinion well where we listed to eachother . It's really nothing in the scheme of things, but we disagreed on something at first.
he was super sweet with me yesterday. And he laughed, because when I said "goodnight" he just climbed into bed. It's a running joke, because when I say something it's like I know exactly where he is and what he's doing and he thinks I am some sort of psychic. he said last night "it is just too good to be true that we are always this in sync" I said nah, it is too good, but it's true. I think we are two people with open hearts and probably could sense each other pretty well. Or, most likely, it's pure coincidence. either way.....
I am just sitting here staring at my phone waiting for the phone call to see if I got the job.
Happy Monday! (ugh)
I hope that you have heard by now if you got the job. I'm praying that you did.
Hey, he said he could teach you both! That means hes interested in meeting kids at somepoint in future. That could be a great way to introduce everyone.
I'm glad you clarified that you didn't really have a disagreement with M, but I'm still a little unclear on why you were taken aback by what he said. I obviously wasn't involved in the conversation so I likely missed something in translation, but based on how you laid it out in your post, it just seemed to me like he was trying to help you see a different viewpoint from your own while seeking to understand yours. That all seems like a really good thing to me. I like M for you and you seem very happy and I'm absolutely thrilled for you for that!
Good luck on the job. I know the waiting to hear is the hardest part, so I hope that torture doesn't last too long.
JOb, I haven't heard yet. I'm basically won't let the phone leave my hand. I had a dream last night that I got the job, I hope it was a prophetic dream.
Juju,
I really do think he sees us meeting kids in the future and sees a future. I realize he might be waiting for me to pull the trigger on the convo. Which will happen. It makes me nervous, I won't lie. Having an R with kids involved is so much different than just the 2 of us. I think it will be good, but I know things really will change.
Two people without kids meet, date for a few years, get married, have kids together. two single parents meet, date for a few months, then have 2 kids together, lol. And now ones they share. It sure is an interesting element to it all.
But I am truly excited to see what it brings.
So, it's Wednesday. I am hoping to hear something today. I definitely will this week. The suspense is killing me.
I spent over 4 hours at the salon yesterday and I began my journey to blonde. My color looks amazing and so does my cut, I am sooooo happy with it. D11 knew where I was and what I was doing. I get a text from exH.... "so, can I see it?" I said "my blondeness?" he was like yeah, D11 told me. So I sent him a pic. in pics it doesn't look quite as light as it is, which I told him. He told me it looks nice. A little weird I though, but whatever. His wife keeps doing weird things to her hair. I think she spends a lot of money, but it always looks bad. I hate to say it. I almost want to tell her she should visit my stylist.
I then sent a pic to M, but again, you couldn't really see the true blonde. He said "I am sure I will love it, and even if you dyed your hair rainbow, I would still be down" with a kissy face. He's so stinkin' sweet. He really truly likes me for me. I don't think I am exceptionally attractive, I'm average in a non average way, but I know my ex was always very physically attracted to me and the guys I dated were, but they didn't value me as much otherwise. I honestly think I have more value than inside rather than outside. M is attracted to me, will tell me I am gorgeous, but will always place emphasis on who I am on the inside. I love him for that.
Honestly though, I have been really down about my physical appearance. I am almost 20lbs heavier than my average weight of the last 12-13 years of my life. Getting my hair done helped me a little bit. I am working on eating healthier, cooking more, and attending the gym more. I almost cried in my crossfit class the other day, because my body is not capable of what it used to be. I was always so strong. I was running, and my cardiovascular endurance was so much better. I want to get back there. But my schedule isn't making it easy. But I am doing the best I can.
I am very sympathetic to what your feeling. I want to work out. I want to have hobbies. But with a little one and my jobs its really difficult. Possible, yes. But exercise requires a consistency that is easier to establish with a set routine. Set routines are tougher i think with our types of work.
When i started dating, i kind of had this feeling that it was gonna be like when i was much younger. I actually had my cousin do my makeup for me (shes a professional). I rarely wear makeup! And i had this thought that i had to be super thin. But that was a pretty immature way of thinking about it. I know i dont expect guys at our age to look like they go to the gym every day. I actually avoid those types of guys. I found that men our age are usually happy to find someone semi normal.
Im gonna take this advice too... try to fit in a little something each day, even if its just 15 minutes of stretching or mat exercises. A little bit is better then nothing and it prepares you for establishing a routine. Im someone that was used to running cross country and then working out for hours in the gym. So it s easy to get into that "its all or nothing" pattern. But something even if its just 10 min is better then nothing.
In some ways, Ginger, I think we are very similar but in some ways I think we are completely different. The obvious differences to me are that I'm a good bit older, I don't have young children (in fact, I suppose it could be argued that I'm not even a "real" mom since I didn't give birth to the 3 girls whom I call daughter, but that is a whole other post), and where you are fit and likely fairly thin, I have made no secret that I'm not at all thin. I point all of that out to say that I agree with what juju said in her first paragraph above. At our age, I think more men prefer someone who is stable, normal, has a job...those sorts of things. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying men (and women) don't like pretty, shiny things, but I think personality and other things begin to take the lead more as we age than looks. Sure, looks can catch your attention initially, but there has to be substance behind said looks to keep someone's attention.
Having said all that, though, G....you have actually inspired me. I signed up for a water aerobics class on campus and a friend signed up with me so we can go together and kind of keep each other accountable for attendance and participation. It is only 2 nights a week, so once I get into that groove beginning next week, I'll probably find something else to fit in a few other days each week so that I have something going on in that realm most of the week. I just figure that I'm getting married this year, will turn 50 next year (2020), so if there is ever a good time to take control of my weight and hopefully, overall health, now is a great time to do it. Besides, if we are moving into a house with a pool, we will want to have people over for pool parties a lot and I want to look decent when we do that.
I am very sympathetic to what your feeling. I want to work out. I want to have hobbies. But with a little one and my jobs its really difficult. Possible, yes. But exercise requires a consistency that is easier to establish with a set routine. Set routines are tougher i think with our types of work.
When i started dating, i kind of had this feeling that it was gonna be like when i was much younger. I actually had my cousin do my makeup for me (shes a professional). I rarely wear makeup! And i had this thought that i had to be super thin. But that was a pretty immature way of thinking about it. I know i dont expect guys at our age to look like they go to the gym every day. I actually avoid those types of guys. I found that men our age are usually happy to find someone semi normal.
Im gonna take this advice too... try to fit in a little something each day, even if its just 15 minutes of stretching or mat exercises. A little bit is better then nothing and it prepares you for establishing a routine. Im someone that was used to running cross country and then working out for hours in the gym. So it s easy to get into that "its all or nothing" pattern. But something even if its just 10 min is better then nothing.
It is super hard when you working full time and part time, raising a kis pretty much on your own to really be able to commit to yourself that way. I now have the added benefit of D11 staying home alone when I go..... however, that comes with a "Mommy, please don't go" Makes me feel awful. It's only an hour and right around the corner.....
I grew up thinking guys only liked the really skinny chicks. Turns out it's not true and guys like women of all shapes and sizes and none of them are perfect themselves. You don't see every guy walking around with a 6 pack. Only a small percentage. I realize as I get older, it's more about my health, both mental and physical.
And great advice! I actually did make a commitment to myself to get up everyday and do 100 crunches and a one minute plank. It's like 7 minutes of exercise, but it is SOMETHING. I take the stairs all the time at work, and get up every half hour. I've got to use it or I'll lose it!
I GOT THE JOB!!!
The money hasn't been worked out yet and I will know maybe by the end of the day, if not in a few. I will be happy for a lateral move, I hope it isn't less, and if it is, it isn't by much.
I am so so so happy!!
Congratulations! That is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for you.
I GOT THE JOB!!!
The money hasn't been worked out yet and I will know maybe by the end of the day, if not in a few. I will be happy for a lateral move, I hope it isn't less, and if it is, it isn't by much.
I am so so so happy!!
Boo yeah!
nice work G.....congrats!
Yahoo! Congrats on the job.
As for your weight - listen sweetie. I'm 62 and would KILL to have the body I was dissatisfied with in my 30's - or my 40's - or my 50's! Enjoy what you have. I'm sure you're lovely. Own it.
His wife keeps doing weird things to her hair. I think she spends a lot of money, but it always looks bad.
My ex used to say - "you can't buff a t_rd"
CONGRATULATIONS! I am so happy for you! When do you start?
Someone cleaned up my comment but the @ makes it look like an a - it's not an a, it's a U. FYI.
Someone cleaned up my comment but the @ makes it look like an a - it's not an a, it's a U. FYI.
And not even a stamp that it was edited. I've brought this self-empowered no real standard make it up as we go, censorship before but it's clearly a losing battle. Now words you can hear on daytime over the air television are being censored. Wow.
Congratulations on the new job Ginger. I know how much you were hoping you'd get it. 2019 is starting out great for you!
Thank you! We need to work out the details of my salary before I give my notice and since it is an intersystem transfer, the managers need to work out my transfer date. They re-titled us a little while ago, without responsibility or salary change, but they ended up making me a "lead inpatient nurse care manager" and this job is for a "inpatient nurse care manager" I am worried they don't want to keep up my salary, but I hope they do and simply make it a lateral transfer. Hopefully I will know the details by the end of the week so I can officially accept the offer.
Went to the gym tonight and joined the whole 30 challenge we are having. I was hesitant because I love my alcohol, but I decided to change to vodka sodas for the challenge. A before picture was taken in my sports bra. EEEKKKK. My 20 lbs I think bother me most because I can physically feel the difference. I want to physically feel like I used to.
M has been having some major issues with his ex since yesterday. I'll spare the details, but he's been really stressed. I have been helping him through it. I did however tell him I got the job in the middle of it. He was sweet and said "Conragts baby, I knew you would get it" I told him I was taking him out to celebrate. He said he was sorry but his mind was consumed with what was going on in that moment. I felt kind of bad. He told me not to, etc. Anyways, he said to me today " I am very thankfully to have you in my life and for being so supportive and I mean that from the bottom of my heart" That meant a lot he said that.
This year really isn't too shabby so far. Great man, dream job, new house, new dog, my gym community is great.... my friends are great, I am in one of my besties wedding this year. Kid is almost on HIGH honor roll. I am fortunate. And some of this stuff is the payoff of hard work.
I am trying not to wait for the other shoe to drop and just enjoy.
During the summer I drink vodka and bai water......I like the coconut/pineapple. If you get tired of the soda check it out.
glad things are going so well G! Happy New Year xoxoxo
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope that they will transfer everything okay for you. The only thing that might change your salary is the word "lead". Sometimes one word in your position title will throw things off. Hopefully, they can match the salary for you.
I am glad you are there for your new man and can listen and help him through the stuff he is dealing with concerning his xw. It's never easy dealing with child custody issues and other issues that the ex's may bring up.
BTW, I did go back this morning and stamp my editorship of kml's earlier posting. My apologies for not stamping it yesterday.
Thanks for fixing it Job - I didn't want people to think I was slighting the mentally handicapped.
kml,
It was my error and I should have corrected it yesterday. I'm so sorry about that. I apologize.
Been working this weekend and I took a mental health day from work on Friday and ran errands and cleaned like I never cleaned before. Not exactly a fun day off, and it's sad I need to call out of work to get this stuff done, but I felt better when I did. I cooked a really nice dinner for M and baked cookies for us. Showed off my domestic side a little. I was cooking when he came in, by the stove and after sayingg hi to the dog, he came and wrapped his arms around me and said it's been to long and he missed me. So sweet. We had a nice dinner and just sat in my kitchen all night talking until we went to bed. I swear we both have the words "I love you" on the tops of our tongues, but none of us pull the trigger. I want to have a "talk" but when we haven't seen eachother for a while, we don't bring that stuff in. He had his friend come over last night, I went to bed at 8pm (worked a 9 hour day) and we are going to do something tonight. Maybe, maybe, we can talk a little about us. I don't want to give him pressure, and I haven't given an ounce of it at all. I just would like to bring up the kid thing and plan for it, even if it isn't happening or another month or so.
ANyways, I am hoping to get an official off Monday. It is getting increasingly bad. People are getting sneakier, they brought in a whole bunch of train wreck patients that aren't appropriate and expect us to come up with an acceptable discharge plan, and it is too much. I have no clue where my position is going and what's happening to that place. I just want to start my new job ASAP. Often they work 8-9 hour work days, but I don't care. I am close to home anyways. Theya re actually doing a study right now showing we need more positions because we are working insane exempt hours. I like that the new place is proactive in trying to help us.
D11 had more friend drama Friday night. I am not equipped for this!!! She comes to me and talk and I am find it a tough balance between giving advice and having her handle it on her own. I remember what I used to go thorugh and I want to tell her exactly what to do because I don't want to see her hurt. But I stop myself, because she needs to learn how to problem solve. ANd she did well and all was solved before she went to her dads.
ANd this dog. I need a vacation from this dog. He is such a terror. ANd not with things that are trainable. He just gets into everything. Everything. He managed to knock my lush deodorant bar off my dresser yesterday and eat it, and ate the wax pat which he threw up in the middle of the night. Could have killed him. It's like having an infant with feet. He's always getting into something. When M was over the other night I heard something and I shot us, he was trying to pill the table cloth off the table with stuff on it. He pretty much has to be crated all the time.unless hes being watched. He really needs to calm the F down. I can't go on like this much longer. I spend my life getting him out of trouble.The weekend away is a weekend away from the dog and I am looking forward to it. ex came in the house when he was picking up D11 on Friday and he was petting the dog and I said "take him this weekend, warm him up to your house!!!" he didn't I also need a dog sitter or walker so I can have a little more freedom.
Oh, and my whole 30 challenge starts tomorrow. Hopefully I can drop a few. I think I am putting on a few having what I can't have for the next 30 days, lol!
Enough about my boring like. Happy Sunday everyone, I am off to work yet again!
Just a bit of journaling.
I got this guy who thinks I am gorgeous and perfect as I am and thinks women's beauty and body standards are ridiculous. He would rather have a super nice meal with me and down some beers rather than have me diet and be all thin. He is CLEARLY attracted to me, yet I am struggling so hard with my weight. I can't look in the mirror and my fat jeans are almost snug. I know I have gone on about this, but I have never ever had such a hard time doing something about it.
On my abdominal CT from my kidney infection there was an incidental adrenal adenoma found. I haven't been eating the best, but I have stayed active and I shouldn't have gained this much and I never ever been this heavy without pregnancy. Maybe I am looking for an excuse. Adrenal ademonas are usually benign inactive tumors, but can activate. I guess it wouldn't hurt to get it checked out. I feel so defeated. I want to lose this weight and feel better again, but I also don't want to kill myself on a fad diet, and unless I do, I do not lose weight. I have to go super strict with myself.
getting older blows. I want to feel and look good again. Everything else in my life seems to be coming to order, but this has me thrown for a loop. I can usually fix it, but I am having an unbelievable hard time right now.
I know I have b!tched about this before, but I never felt so stuck about it
Two things:
1) Check a.m. cortisol between 8-9 am with acth. I've yet to pick up an active case of Cushing's but it is possible. Luckily most adrenal adenomas are not active - it's a common incidental finding.
2) Check a FULL thyroid panel with TSH, free T3, free T4, TPO antibodies and thyroglobulin antibodies - occult hypothyroidism is a really common cause of recalcitrant weight gain.
Also - remember all the calories in alcohol are basically sugar. And REALITY CHECK by checking your BMI on a chart. You may have a skewed view of your weight. If your BMI is well within normal range and you're still upset, you may have body dysmorphia.
Ginger,
You're suffering from withdrawal due to an acute cessation of drama in your life. You can't believe your current life can be real, so you're creating your own little drama to manifest that very result that will bring your beliefs back into alignment (i.e. screw things up). Take a chill. You can live without drama; you don't have to fear that something bad is just around the corner.
You'll always be younger than me Ginger1
One thing that I did was to use an app called MyFitnessPal - it's meal logging. It can also barcode scan packaged foods and has a very extensive library of nutritional info.
When I did that when I was married, I discovered that I was eating about 3000 calories a day - way way way too much and also that my consumption of potassium was too low - so I started eating potatoes with the skins on.
After bomb-day when I couldn't eat, I also used it to try to make sure that what I did get down was at least healthy. I was between 1200 and 1400 calories then.
It is a fact that you actually lose a lot of weight through your lungs. Your body metabolizes fat in to ketones including acetone (nail polish remover). So maybe if you could figure out something that would involve a lot of heavy breathing ????
But if you do some meal logging you could at least find out where your calories are coming from and make choices about that.
When I decided it was time to lose weight, I cut out sodas, alcohol, sugar in coffee/tea, sweets of any kind, white bread, pasta, potatoes and only ate red meat once a week. I do not add salt to anything. I also started cooking fresh vegetables.The rest of the time was made up of salads, homemade soups that I made, baked or broiled chicken and fish. I started walking more and drinking lots of water. It took me a while, but I lost 45 pounds and my goal is to lose another 10 this year.
Stress/depression will also help pack on the pounds.
Write down everything you eat each and every day. Calorie counting will give you a good idea as to what you need to either reduce or cut out.
Do not discouraged...if you make your mind up to lose the weight...you will. I have faith in you.
JOb, that is some great work, congrats! I know it isn't easy, but an amazing accomplishment!
Half my battle is I don't eat bread except for the occasional bagel, I don't eat pasta unless I am out at a nice Italian restaurant, and I generally eat healthy. My weakness if for sure sweets and my beer and wine. I have to pretty much be super strict and perfect to drop a pound, and sometimes I don't know how much I want to do that.
So I am compromising. I'm doing the whole 30 thing. NO alcohol unless I am out with the girls or it's date night. NO sweets, (hardest part for me) and all the other restrictive rules. My weekend away however is a free for all, but I will be on the mountain so its all good.
Andrew, I do use MFP and I have thought of the Keto diet, because I have been successful with low carb, but it has to be a lifestyle else you put the weight back on in a minute. ANd it is still a big medical debate if that is a healthy lifestyle to be maintaining. I am not a big portion eater. which is good, I guess. Just got to cut out those sweets. I am one of those people who gain weight by looking at food. Never had a good metabolism, even when I was young. It only gets worse! My goal is to feel healthy again. I don't feel healthy. Maybe this elimination diet will help with that.
In other news of My woes. Let's talk about 11 year old girls. I finally had it with her this morning and I pulled over the car and it scared her. She is becoming too cool for her own good, not speaking with respect anymore, arguing everything and she thinks she knows everything there is to know. I had it today and she heard it from me. I dropped her off at before care and they said she was being the same way with them and I got really mad. I dropped her off with her crying today. But it is too much and she needs to check herself. I texted her dad and asked if he was having the same problems, and yes, he is. This weekend he gave her quite a few lectures. 9 and 10 years old was probably the best. gaining maturity, wanting to help, becoming more respectful. Now with this facetiming friends all the time, those brats she watches on you tube and thinking she is some cool middle schooler, she is becoming sassier than ever.
1) she lost her phone. I can't take it away, but youtube is being shutdown and she is not to make or receive calls unless it's me.
2) chores will be set and done. Homework and studying will be done
3) the hardest one of them all, and I am not good at this, but it has to be done...... The waterpark with her friend isn't happening until she straightens out. I told her she could have a sleep over with this friend on Saturday because it's supposed to snow, but I told her friend could still come over. Not anymore. And I am going to make her call her friend with me present and tell her exactly why. It will be a miserable weekend for me to be snowed in with a kid who has no phone privilages, but it is what it is.
This is the stuff I still struggle with on my own. Enforcing it on my own is hard. having no present support or back up is hard. But I hear it's only going to get worse, so I better buck up. M and I may both be single parents, but I am the single mom to a preteen girl who has her most of the time, and he is a single dad to a preschool aged boy who has his time mostly on every other weekend, then some weeknights for a few hours. He would trade places with me in a heartbeat to have his son as I have my daughter, but they are two different beasts and two different battles. he is very understanding, but I would be a complete liar to say I am not scared that he won't want to deal with a sassy pre teen girl. Don't get me wrong, my daughter is a great kid. she is displaying typical behaviors, but she is a little tougher in she is more "adult" than others kids and pretty darned bold sometimes. But can he handle this? Or, better yet, will he want to? Those things scare me. Me, I welcome a little boy with open arms. I've been through the stage already, even if not with a little boy. M is so sweet, patient and open minded, but I am scared. FF used to criticize my parenting. A 27 year old with no kids. And it actually made me doubt myself. By situation is not the normal. I don't have a mom and dad in the home and the child switches back and forth, and it is a whole other set of challenges while parenting to have that. I am nervous, I won't lie. But if I have the best bet of anyone excepting the life me and my daughter have with open arms, it's him.
Long winded. I am on edge. This place of work is downright scary now and with the messages I left for the HR recreuiter yesterday and my hiring manager, I still haven't heard back. It's nerve wracking. I need a start date and official acceptance of offer. Being in the dark doesn't do me good.
If you made it this far, God bless you
I want to be upfront and honest; I was entirely and completely wrong about the cessation of drama. I'm sorry.
Oh, I missed your post.
It's not drama. I don't see it that way.It's just some real life things that are going on that need to be handled.
I still think good things are in store. Life is actually really good right now. Still figuring out how to navigate some stuff that is new to me that challenges me a bit.
I think when often the major stuff seems to be aligning, it gives you time to focus on the smaller stuff you need to be ironing out. My health needs to be ironed out. I have to get my daughter's attitude in check a bit and learn to navigate this new phase. I need my work situation settled. And it's happening and I get overwhelmed sometimes. But it isn't drama to me, and I always get it handled.
If I may, I want to specifically address what you said about M being able to or even wanting to handle a preteen. I have some personal experience with this. I never had kids of my own, but have always worked in a profession that included working closely with children. So, I always felt like, though I didn't have my own, I understood parenting to a very slight degree more than someone who was never around kids.
Enter my XH with 3 TEENAGE daughters (well, technically one preteen, because the youngest was 12 when we got married). The girls are 2 years apart so they were 12, 14 and 16 when I came along and D16 was having a pretty serious rebellious streak, dating boys in their 20's and such (with her mother's knowledge and approval, for the record). It was overwhelming at first, because the girls are much girlier than my sister and I ever were, but I just had never been privy to that dynamic before. I have siblings, a brother and sister, but our age gaps are much greater (bro is 6 years younger than me, sis is 12 years younger than me). I won't sit here and lie to you and tell you that it was always a walk in the park, but I did it because I loved my XH and I love my girls. Our relationship didn't develop overnight and we had the added issue of their mother being jealous of me and trying to make little snide comments every chance she got, until the girls got bold enough to shut her down.
I tell you all that to say this. ANY man (or woman, as the case may be) worth their salt as a person and, probably even more importantly, as a parent, will adapt to the situation beautifully and develop a lovely relationship with D11 that allows them to play a parental role and be part of her life. I suspect, based on the things that you have told us about M, that he is definitely worth his salt in this area. I will just warn you because I have been there and done that (as I'm sure others do have on this board), it will NOT be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. And, besides, if you do decide to have children together, there might be another precious D in your future and he'll need to learn how to handle teen girl drama because let me tell you, there is a TON of it in every girl. It is a very rewarding experience to be chosen to parent someone else's child and when someone has their own child, as M does, I would assume they are even more aware of the awesome gift that they are sharing when they let another person in their child's life. It may be a roller coaster as everyone adjusts and there will be ups and downs, but I bet M will ride that roller coaster like a champ. As an added bonus, while D11 loves her dad, M will give her another POSITIVE example of how a man treats the woman he loves and how he treats his children with love.
One thing I read quite a while ago that stuck with me was on the subject of dating a single mom.
The article went to some length to point out that when you are dating or even in a relationship someone with kids that you are not the parent of those kids and should not act as if you were. Be a good role model yes. Support the actual parent yes. But under no circumstances try to take the lead in the parent/child relationship. And no judging of the choices of that parent. They have a lifetime of experience in parenting their child - we as outsiders do not.
This seemed to make a lot of sense to me. I occasionally see postings on the OLD sites about women looking for a "man's influence" for their kids and treat that as a huge warning. More often though I see comments about how they are perfectly happy parenting / co-parenting their kids and don't want input from potential new partners.
I agree, Andrew! Initially, I didn't take the lead in discipline or try to be their mom. Now, I did allow them to come and talk to me, as they would their mom, but in our case, their mom was mostly absent, so they needed a female they could trust. I never judged nor tried to insert myself into the relationship between my XH and the girls, even when I didn't necessarily agree with how he handled something. I just kept it to myself and rolled on. I may have been in a unique situation, I don't know, but my XH would actually ask me for input on occasion.
I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with a woman looking for a male influence for her children though, so we may disagree on that particular point. You can be an influencer in a positive way without usurping the parental role. And, again, I may in a unique situation since I don't have my own flesh and blood children, but I would like to think that if I did and I were in a relationship with a man that I WOULD occasionally maybe ask his input or advice just to keep him included and engaged with my children.
But then again, I was raised in a "it takes a village" family where my niece and nephews are just as much like my own as they are their parents, so maybe it is MY viewpoint that is skewed.
Thank you so much for sharing that with me, Dawn. I have loved someone elses kid very much before myself, and she wasn't easy. but we bonded and I understood her. I was blessed to get that experience.
It was always a balance like Andrew said about how to be an adult figure and not try to be their "parent" I know it must be difficult for D11's stepmom. I think my D11 really does need a positive male influence in her life. She does have a dad though.
I also struggle where I have been parenting my way, since the beginning, on my own. Am I doing it right? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I take it a little hard when someone comes in and doesn't understand why I do what I do. I am always open to feedback, though. But certain things happen a certain way in our unique little situation we have adapted too.
For example, M knows for the past day or two, I ve been a little nervous about the job sitch. he was very supportive. I did tell him a little about D11's stinky attitude and the such. And he said something like "I am sure your nervousness is rubbing off on her" Yes, I am sure she knows I might be a little tense, but I am human and can't hide all my feelings. And this has been ongoing , not just the past 2 days, and with her father, and others. It's really just entering the preteen years. She isn't a bad kid, she is just going through puberty and learning her way, and I am trying to establish some healthy boundaries. I don't think because I have been a little nervous about something she is acting out. She's 11, she knows mom can have emotions and she has emotions and things aren't always hunky dory. So, it's differences like these that worries me. Like you Dawn, as a woman handling pre teen girls, you know it's a different ball game.
I do appreciate input from a partner and a partner who is a parent. As long as that person has respect for your parenting style and situation.
In other news. I got the offer for the lateral move! Same salary. I now have to go tell my boss who has been giving the death stare at our morning conference today. Her position was eliminated and she is not happy. But in that matter, maybe she won't care.
In other news. I got the offer for the lateral move! Same salary. I now have to go tell my boss who has been giving the death stare at our morning conference today. Her position was eliminated and she is not happy. But in that matter, maybe she won't care.
Happy dance for you! Sad waltz for the boss.
Sounds like you dodged the cut-back axe.
Instead of dreading being snowed in with a bored teen, use the time to try and reconnect a little.. Maybe pull out some favorite board games, or find a new one.. just spend some quality time with each other, it will be way more productive than her sulking all weekend. Maybe you can watch a movie or two, Mermaids (about a single mom and daughter) might be a good one to watch.
If she is still sulking you could always through in Mommie Dearest and preface it by saying that she is about to see who you are going to become if she doesn't start shaping up.
As for M dealing with a pre-teen, I can't imagine that a man would be willing to date a woman with a child if they weren't prepared to deal with growing kids. My son was 7 when we started living together, definitely much easier to bond and step into a parental role, but at almost 12, I agree that M's role would likely take on more of a positive influence.
NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!!!! LOL
haha, thanks! we are transitioning to become another company and shady stuff is going on with who they are going ot take over, who they aren't and how much they would pay. I definitely dodged an axe. I really had no choice but to get out, and I am so greatful that it's to exactly where I want to go.
Coconut- D11 was having some drama with her friends on Friday and I was making cookies and I told her to bake with me, something she loves to do. She wouldn't even. I love doing things with her, actually, she seems to be more about her friends these days. She used to love doing things with me. I think without her phone, she will enjoy hanging out with mom. We did make friendship bracelets together a week ago. She's still kind of there, lol. I remember watching Mommy Dearest! I think my mother was trying to teach me a lesson too, and I finally realized what she meant by saying " don't make me take out the wire hanger!"
Thanks C-nut, I am looking forward to some bonding time together with her. And I think M knows that dating a mother means it's a package deal and he knows what he is getting into. He's never done this before with other people's kids. It's completely new territory with him. I am confident we can explore it together with understanding.
I am very happy to read that you are getting the same salary and it's a good time to move out of there.
As for your daughter, she's definitely exhibiting a lot of the "testing the boundaries". My sister went through the same thing. She had to set some strong boundaries to get the message across about the "attitude".
You've been given excellent advice about reconnecting w/her. Talk to her and really listen to what she has to say. Peer pressure is not fun and she wants to fit in w/those friends. The behavior is unacceptable and when she sees that you and others are on the same page about it...she may very well settle herself down. But, the testing of boundaries will continue for quite some time. Be patient, but be firm and only reward her when she's on the same page w/you.
Well, she found out about my boundaries yesterday. I came home from work and had a serious conversation with her. She was still kind of sassy with me and then when I told her weekend with her friend will be postponed until acceptable behavior was exhibited she hysterically cried for a good half hour. She hated me for that time, but as much as I hated doing it, I knew it was the right thing. I explained why I did it, and what I need to see from her to earn it back. She carried on with some drama for a while then settled down. She loves again me and has been more respectful and not as argumentative and we shall see how long it lasts. I hated doing it but it had to be done. I refuse to raise a spoiled brat. She can test me all she wants, but my boundaries are much firmer than they ever were. I am going to need to buck up for the ride, the teenage years are emerging.
I went to the gym at 7 last night to decompress a little. I like that class because the owners parents take it and they are like your dream mom and dad. Me and the mom had a nice long talk about weight gain and hormones and pushing through. She wants to take a yoga class with me one Sunday:)
Tonight, date night is taking place at hot yoga, so nice and healthy. I'm going to be as good as I can be until I go away. Today is day 2 of whole30, I am fatigued, but hanging in and cooking some pretty good meals.
I spoke to my manager yesterday and they eliminated her position as of Feb 1st. When I told her about my new position she hugged me and said "thank god, save yourself, I was hoping you were coming to tell me that" We talked for a while about all the underhanded things the new company is doing and she complimented me on my work, thanked me for it, and will have my performance review done which she filled out very nicely so that I get my raise come April.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found out that in March the ex and wifey pants are going to Italy for 2 weeks! Lucky them! How does that impact my life you ask? I get their dog on top of mine for 2 weeks, not to mention my precious daughter. (of course, the kid is not problem, although I am going to ask grandma to watch her for a night or 2). I guess the good news is, I have more bargaining power with him with my dog. And I am having him take one of my satruday nights because I have plans. he didn't complain, lol. I also said I would like some fine Italian leather as a souvenier.
I was sad, M and I were supposed to go to yoga last night, but he got home from work really late and was burnt out. I offered to just come by and hang out, but he said he was totally burnt and he was going to bed and he was sorry he s*cks. I said you do not suck, take care of yourself and get some sleep. he said "thank you or being so awesome and understanding"
It might have been a good thing because I was zapped of all energy yesterday. I barely got off the couch. I was starving, so I made dinner and my diet is very limited so I had to cook and I wasn't going to snack, so I didn't eat much. I felt "skinny" this morning so I hopped on the scale and I lost 5lbs! Probably water weight, but water weight I couldn't shed anyways. I thought I wouldn't be able to this, but to my surprise, I am totally into it and totally strict about it. It's a lot of cooking, and kind of expensive, but hey. It's for my health. I didn't think I would stick to this and I kind of jumped on the band wagon, but I am really serious about it now. Maybe It's about the challenge portion? today is day 4, but I haven't had any alcohol since last Friday. While being snowed in, I think I am going to try some interesting compliant recipes. Make it kind of exciting. But I think I was so sluggish because I am detoxing. Supposedly it happens. Feeling better today, will go to the gym tonight, and I did my 100 ab exercises and 1 min plank this morning. I got this!
No drinks since last Friday??????? I think I would be breaking out in a cold sweat................
No drinks since last Friday??????? I think I would be breaking out in a cold sweat................
Oh, I am a little twitchy for sure. I did find out that if you do NEED a drink, Tito's is compliant. I can hold out until I am snowed in this weekend. We shall see. Almond butter is my new drug of choice.
Ahh Tito's....made in Texas!!!
So, I have been kicking Whole 30's butt, which I am very surprised at. I feel really good too. I have much more energy. I went to a Cycling class yesterday and the last time I was 4th to last. My usual is smack in the middle of the class. Yesterday, I was smack in the middle of the class! My workouts are much better. My aches and pains are actually much better too, believe it or not. I began watching a series on the Paleo diet, which this essentially is. Paleo is a lifestyle, Whole30 is meant for the short term to break you of bad habits and see if you are sensitive to certain foods. You can add back in natural sweeteners on Paleo. In this series it shows you how food is medicine. It is really interesting. And they make some amazing looking dishes. I have actually been cooking every meal and having fun with it. I made a delicious sweet potato shepards pie. I can't get enough of it.
D11 and I had a nice weekend. We both passed out on the couch watching "say yes to the dress" Friday night. Satruday we went to the mall and Trader Joes, then after dinner we played some board and card games waiting for the snowpocalypse that never came. It is frigid here now with below zero temps. But no snow. She is off with the ex today for the holiday.
M came over last night after dropping off his son and we just hung out watching some snowboarding videos and looking at pics from the weekend with his son. They always do a bunch of fun stuff.
His son's birthday is in February. We were looking at his calendar and there was a birthday party for his son on the Saturday before and he asked if me and Gabby would like to come because he thought it would be a good way for everyone to meet. I of course said sure. It will be 5 and a half months. Which is reasonable. And it at a bounce house place, where some cousins D11's age will be also, and a very no pressure event with so many people around. I think this was Juju's idea, and it seems the way it's going to work. I'm excited and nervous for it.
he must be thinking of me kind of seriously, I think. Again,we don't R talk, we act, and we go with the flow. It seems to be working itself out. This Friday we leave on our first getaway together. I am so excited. We are not a social media couple, but I think there might actually be pictures of us together this weekend.
Gotta make it through this week!
Just a little journal:
Last night M came over to make sure I had everything I need for this weekend. I had no idea how much stuff you need for snowboarding. I got the jacket on ebay and a pair of pants on Ebay which were clearly mislabeled because I couldn't breath in them. We decided to go to ski barn and get me some warm special socks because warm feet are the key. Then we went back to his house and got together everything I need. He had a pair of pants for me.... Mind you he is 6'2 but he is thin. So A pair of old pants worked with a belt and hiking them up to my boobs. He gave me gloves, goggles a head/face warmer, and I am all set. He taught me out how the mechanics of the board and how to put your boots n the bindings, ect. He is a very good teacher. When my ex took me skiing he threw me on the slope and said "just do it" We then went out for dinner and a drink and planned everything out. I had a compliant salad and a tito's and soda and skipped out on the beer. Yay me!
In the AM he will drop me off at snowboard school and get his lift ticket, then we will meet up for lunch then he will take me on the mountain for a little while. We have our après ski drink spot set where they have this huge scorpion bowl of whatever the heck liquor which we will share. Then we will go shower, dress and we chose are dinner place which is his favorite he has been too. Then we chose our night spot where there will be a 90's coverband (we are children of the 90's). We are both very excited.
My little a hole of a dog last night decided to chew my $230 purse that I splurged on (I NEVER spend that much, but it was half off) I am so upset. Can't wait for the ex to come get him tomorrow.
Work is the most hostile environment ever. This next week can't come fast enough. People are congratulating me and saying they are sad to see me go, but some seem almost resentful I found something and they haven't yet. Tensions are running high.
Tonight I am going to finish packing. It's been a nice week to see M sunday night, Wednesday, then the whole weekend. it rarely happens for us. The more time I spend with him, the more and more I want to be with him. I am so fortunate to have found him. We tell eachother that often. We both feel blessed.
Anyways, that's that. It's all good.
90's grunge is my music! Smashing Pumpkins is my favorite band of all time!!
90's grunge is my music! Smashing Pumpkins is my favorite band of all time!!
Mine too!!! I am always playing the 90's grunge station on my Alexa.
Smashing Pumpkins was supposed to be my very first concert, then the drummer hurt himself really bad and it was cancelled. I was SOOOOO disappointed.
So the Offspring became my first concert. I won the tickets on the radio at a very small venue in NYC. I got sweated on by them. It was awesome.
Ahhhh, the good old days.
Yeah....Jimmy Chamberlain has overdosed a couple of times I think. They have a new album out that is pretty decent. I fell in love with them in college and it just got amplified even more when I moved to Chicago.
Those were the days........
Morning all.
I was off of work yesterday which was much needed, I pretty much feel as if I was hit by a truck and I have actual whiplash I am pretty sure.
M and I had a great weekend together, despite that. It was our first time away together and being together for that long and we both enjoyed it much. We got to the lodge around 11pm and didn't go out or anything. We did enjoy eachother's company though. Up and at em' early Since I had to be at my lesson at 8:45. At which point I realized I forgot all my undergarments at home. No underwear bras or socks. So I re-wore my bra, bought new ski socks, and I won't even tell you what I did about the underwear. We did take a little adventure after the lesson and we got me some underwear and bras.
So, he rode the trails all morning while I got my lesson. I took some pretty nasty falls and it was so cold, that instead of bowder it was like packed and icy. So falls HURT. One time I fell on my back and my head bounced off the ground and that's where the whiplash came in. I did actually have fun, and I imagine when I learn to stop much better, the falls won't be so bad. I had no clue at one point he was watching me and took a video. he caught one of my falls on it. I also fell directly onto my knees, both are very bruised, but luckily no damage beyond that. At noon we had lunch and a lovely much needed drink. Then we went back and napped. We had dinner with his brother who was up there, because his brother shares a house with friends. That was nice. His brother is super sweet and chatty. Then M and I went ot a bar for a little while and hung out.
Unfortunately, he also hurt his back, aggrevated an old injury while snowboarding that day So we both weren't up to par. I did realize that when he is injured, he is a little cranky. He's kind of consumed with it right now. So I am giving him the space.
All in all a good trip despite the pain. We discussed taking our kids to a local indoor waterpark ski resort one weekend. An overnight trip. It's a big step and I am glad he brought it up.
Speaking of bringing things up. Still, no relationship talks. No ILY's. I think I am scarred from initiating either one of these. DB has deterred me from ever having a relationship talk. ILY I am too terrified it won't get returned, even though I believe he does love me. I guess we speak of it in roundabout ways like introducing our kids and the such, because have both discussed what that means to us. A real relationship is scary territory for me. But so worth it in many ways. I wish I could say I felt totally secure, but I don't. Not yet. And that has nothing to do with him. Just me. Scars are still there. I've gotten much better at containing the insecurities and anxiety I get sometimes.
My last week at this job, thank god. I got an email while I was out that really really p!ssed me off and I wrote a reply defending myself, and I never sent it because it wasn't worth it. Four more days to do.
So did his crankiness bother you? Other than that it sounds like it was great! good 4 u!
Nah, it doesn't bother me too much. it's a matter of learning to understand how he is in these situations. He distances a little and becomes a little obsessed with it. I know he is upset, because he will take his son snowboarding during the week and he can't until he gets better. I just had to realize not to take anything personally. I validated his feelings. I helped him find a doctor, I told him how much motrin to take, when to ice....
I have to learn to reign in my mommy nurse fix it all tendencies. I want to make everything better. I can't make everything better and he has to deal with it on his own. I'm in the background in a supportive role, lol.
I did do something I wish I hadn't. D11 goes to her dad's tomorrow night. Usually he asks me which day and we make plans. he didn't ask me this time, probably because he wasn't thinking about it coming off a weekend together and his pain. I did mention this morning if he wants me to come over and rub some essential oils on his back if he is up to it tomorrow, I would. He hasn't answered (we had already been conversing, but he probably got busy at work). I should have let him come to me. I am OK if he turns me down though, because I don't think he can think about anything else until he sees the doctor on Thursday.
I'm learning, but yeah, the weekend was great. it was nice to unwind, relax, and have some fun.
Unfortunately, he also hurt his back, aggrevated an old injury while snowboarding that day So we both weren't up to par. I did realize that when he is injured, he is a little cranky. He's kind of consumed with it right now. So I am giving him the space.
When giving childbirth, a Woman can
almost imagine the pain a Man endures when he has a cold, let alone a back issue...
: )
I guess my childbirthing gives me a slight idea of what that poor man is enduring.
I will be rubbing eucalyptus oil on his back tonight.
I, on the other hand, decided to hit up cross fit at 6:30 am since there was a school delayed opening. I am sore as F (but actually did some correct clean and jerks!) but I can still feel the areas where I am really bruised.
I shall soldier on, I have a man to take care of.
We stopped in a legal dispensary in MA and I tried to buy some salve, but they were sold out
We both could use it right about now.
I have a bulging disk in my back that acts up about every couple of months. No clean and jerks for me. I think once you hit 40 there are certain exercises you eliminate from your rotation.
I have 2 bulging discs, one herniated disc, and some lipoma on my spine that I haven't followed up on along with a knee that has been operated twice on in a year and a half. I am the last person who should be snowboarding or doing clean and jerks. Why I do it? I don't know even know. This morning my whole left side of my body hurts! I am definitely feeling my workout. I think I have to skip tonight. Which I don't want to, but lots of burpees are on deck and I might just throw my darned back out.
I went to M's last night, brought sushi, beer, ecuaplyptus oil in the sub zero temps. I gave him a VERY nice massage and we cuddled and we fell asleep. since my dog is a pup, and crated and still has to go in the middle of the night, I had to leave in the middle of the night. M was OUT. I didn't wake him and he said he went to cuddle me at 5am, and it ended up being his dog, not me, lol. I hated leaving for many reasons. So, I don't know if he is kidding but he seems upset that this pain is making him "old" He is 5 weeks younger than me. I mean, we don't handle body beatings as well anymore. But we are still young! May we fall asleep at 9pm.....
My dog is going to be the death of me. He has this really bad habit of getting into the garbage now and we actually have to tape down the lid. My D is old enough to have some higher end underwear now which I spent a few bucks on and he has eaten most of them. he is CONSTANTLY getting in trouble and he needs eyes on him at all times. I am exhausted and aggrevated and raising a kid was easier. If I would have known, I would have had another baby. I have him signed up for dog training lessons. I need a dog sitter, but he needs to get house broken for that. I want my life back. I am happy D11 is happy (until she is screaming at him) but my freedom is gone when she isn't around. I am hoping he chills out soon and does well with his obedience training. Poor Mommy needs sleep and a break.
I am in the homestretch at work and feel like doing pretty much nothing. The new medical director was aggrevating me at team rounds today, and I realized "who gives a cr@p, I am out!" It's my last team rounds! I've been helping some crying and scared employees and offered to be a reference and help them with job apps. I am fortunate to be out. I have a very full weekend then I begin on Monday. I am taking D11 and her friend to the water park and sunday I have exSIL's superbowl party. I seriously wanted to invite M, but he has met no one from my side yet and my ex husband and his wife and my daughter all at once might be super awkward for him, lol. It's slightly awkward for me when their friends find out who we all are.
sunday I have exSIL's superbowl party. I seriously wanted to invite M, but he has met no one from my side yet and my ex husband and his wife and my daughter all at once might be super awkward for him, lol. It's slightly awkward for me when their friends find out who we all are.
I know exactly what you mean! I am NOT friends with my XH's 1st XW, but because of the girls, I do have to occasionally spend time with her and we do things together as one big family occasionally. We get some weird looks when the girls introduce us both...this is mom and this is step mom. And it gets even weirder when people figure out that neither of us are currently married to the girls' dad. Oh well...........at least you have a good relationship with them. That speaks VOLUMES to D11.
Last year I walked in the room and a bunch of my SIL's husbands friends were playing poker with my ex and said "woah, who's that! and my ex said "that's my ex wife!!!" One time he was proud of that. I couldn't be happier that my daughter gets to be completely comfortable around all of us and not feel awkward.
I need a little advice. I swear I am not stiring up drama. I am just having feelings I need to get out.
Full disclosure: I have had some physical changes that shouldn't have happened at once. I went off my AD's, stopped my Xanax for sleep, stopped my nightly wine and sugar. I am a little wacky right now. Couple that with zero sleep, thanks to my dog, lack of the above, I am short on ultra sensitive. I broke down tonight after the dog pulled my plate with leftovers off the counter and covered himself in hoison sauce. I poured a glass of wine. D11 is in the lock hereself in the room stage and be on facetime with her friends. I flipped and took her phone and said she better be where ever that dog is.
Due to my stress and ultra sensitivity, I am having anxiety around M since we got back. Everything went GREAT. Last night was nice too. I felt like he has been a little less communicative than normal, but he really is cranky over his back. It's definitely a part of it. But I get panicky and think he' going to break up with me. Completely irrational. I have so much I want to say to him, R wise, but I don't. I am terrified. We won't even see eachother for another week. The last time I heard from him today was 4pm after his doctors appt.. He was sweet, no prob. The last thing we exchanged was me saying something about how sore I am today after my workout. Not like him not on a kid night.
I am sure I am being ridiculous. This has happened before. And it was unwarranted. I am always just waiting for things to end. So I am sharing here so I can keep a bit of my sanity. I am sure the fact that my last day of work is tomorrow and I start my new job on Monday is contributing. I am feeling a bit needy right now. I don't act it though. I follow by the unresponded to text rule and wait for him to reach out.
Even though he ahows me actions by wanting to move forward by introducing our kids. Part of me needs to hear the words that he is thinking long term and he loves me as I love him.
BTW, I have never kept myself in check so much in an R as I have with him, and it's obviously a good thing. But it's building up a little, but I am scared to have a talk.
Thanks for the vent
You are just fine G. Do you have a friend you can call and chat with available?
You have diagnosed yourself. You know that what you are feeling is in part chemical and in part your own overthinking and paranoia.
We know little about your guy. If I remember correctly his ex has been difficult and the split was tough (?) You have been single a long time and have been ready to jump in with both feet. He seems to be taking things slowly but deliberately.
Give yourself a hug. Know that you will be fine and get a nice night's sleep.
I swear medical professionals make the worst patients. I'll let some of the others respond about the rest. My focus is why in the Sam Heck did you stop your meds like that? WHY? And I already know you didn't talk with your doc - did you - just did it. You know you should ween off - especially the benzo. But why stop the AD meds at all? Why now? Then self medicate with wine? GINGER what would you tell a patient who did this?
So maybe I'm missing something so I will let you explain why stopping a medication you need, abruptly, then stopping a second one, at the same time, is the right thing to do. I'll stop the 2X4 now, but you really do know better. Get back on the AD. After the benzo is cleared and you are back stable then TALK TO YOUR DOC about stopping it.
G...I am not a medical professional so I cant comment on the medications. I will say though that in the majority of dating and attraction books I have read they all indicate that it is a women's responsibility to initiate any conversations about taking things to the next level. That by design women are wired to bond and connect. With that said if it is what you want then I say go for it. It is getting close to 6 months and that should be more than enough time in my book.
Sometimes you have to be willing to risk it all.
Sorry you are having these emotions.
My 10 cents.
Thank you for the kind words, Andrew, they were really needed. I guess you can say I am awfully self-aware, I can diagnose myself, I know exactly what's going on. It's doing something about it that gets difficult. M's divorce was miserable and painful. He's been pretty open, but we talked more about it on the car ride up. They had a kid, both got diagnosed with cancer within 3 months of that, the distance and fighting began and they clearly weren't working. One day he came home from work, to the dream house he was building with him own hands pretty much and she had the police there waiting for him and she got a restraining order on him out of nowhere. (don't worry, Ive seen all the police reports, completely unwarranted) her mom taught her that when you want a divorce, you go for the jugular and this person is your enemy. He was out of his house for 3 months, had visitation with his son once a week.... He was completely blindsided. It's heart breaking to hear. Tears come to my eyes. While he has been open and honest about everything, the one thing I was trying to drag out of him was how he felt to have a woman he loved at one point do that to him. He felt betrayed, obviously, but you know the way we still feel so hurt by people we loved? He doesn't express that part. And I think it is because he went into complete defense mode. he had to get lawyers, cops, do research, all this stuff he had to go into Robocop mode, mainly to get his son back. I wonder if he ever got to feel the loss of the woman he once loved. Despite all this, he is not bitter, jaded and his heart I do feel is open to me. he will always tell me how thankful he is I came into his life.
Don- There is reasoning behind what I did, but not very good reasoning at all. Healthcare workers make the worst patients, always.
I haven't been to the doctor to get my scripts filled. They won't fill them until I see them. I have new insurance, never got the cards because I moved and I need to see if he is even in my network anymore. Bad, bad excuse. The Xanax was for sleep and my doc wanted me using it less than nightly because it causes dementia eventually says, some studies. I had been so tired, I hadn't needed it. I didn't really use it for anxity, just to quiet my mind so I can get some sleep. Sleeping pills make me do wacky things, and melatonin gets me to sleep, but doesn't keep me asleep. That one wasn't a big deal. I tapered my AD's, it was an abrupt stop. Another reason why I stopped them was because my routine got all messed up since I moved and got the dog. I fall asleep on the couch now with the dog. Get up at whatever time to take him to pee in a half asleep daze and go back to bed. Before I went upstairs to my bedroom in my old house, I would take them. Now I took them sporadically.
I only self medicated with one glass of wine last night. I haven't been drinking. What I needed was to get out of the house but I couldn't. And andrwe made me realize I miss my friends big time. I don't get much time to myself, one of my friends moved over an hour away and I have to stay over to see her, but I have this dog. We used to do things in the weeknight because she is a SAHM. Can't really do it anymore. My other friends have been busy with life and kids. We keep in touch, but I feel the need to just go out and have some laughs with my friends.
My favorite annual event I am sacrificing tomorrow to take D11 and her friend to the waterpark. But my girls an d I got our tickets to the beer expo in AC in March like we always go. My once friend comes up from FL for it.
Obviously, I need to up the self care and take better medical care of myself. I am going to make that doctors appt. I am doing things proactively with the way I eat. I also am invigorated by sun and warmth and we aint got none of that.
J- I do actually agree that a guy isn't going initiate R talks. He's been good enough to even inititate the kid meeting.
I am terrified. It's the truth. Anytime I have initiated the R talk, I have found out that person didn't feel the same way as I did. When my ex and I were first dating, I was the first one to ILY. he couldn't. (probably because he was seeing others) it took him 2 years and on valentines day he finally did. I would inititate R talks with exNG, as in him having some level of commitment to us for him to put some energy forth. They always went back. Even though he told me he loved me first. But then that A hole actually took it back. He said he felt it, but couldn't say it. Then the first guy I really cared for, multiple times I got shot down. friends with benefits I guess who kept coming back to eachother and then when it had to go in one direction or the other, it always went in the other.
So, this is why I am freaking. Everything has been different with M. Everything. ANd wonderful. And I need to try to believe he is not going to be like the others.
Fear is a killer.
On a positive note, around 9:30 he texted me asking me if I was still awake. He told me he spent the day installing heat in his downstairs and showed me pictures. When he is in a household project, he is off the map. We chit chatted and said goodnight. He sent me a "good morning, princess" text and his mood is much different because his back is feeling better. I am getting the sense he is returning to normal. he did the man thing and thought the worst of the situation and it isn't, so he is relieved.
Maybe the next time we will see eachother, I will be able to initiate some sort of convo. Really, I just want to tell him my family wants to meet him and I see how he feels about us as a couple. I'll stutter all over myself, I am sure.
Today is my last day here! Woot woot! More changes, but positive ones. I brought bagels in for everyone today as a goodbye.
G - I know it is scary but sometimes you have to be willing to risk it all to get what you want. I think it has been long enough and you need to know if M can provide you what your looking for.
I think J9 has a good point about risk. I understand your hesitation, but at the same time, if it is on your mind, it may well be on his too and he may just be letting you take the lead. I don't necessarily agree that the woman should HAVE to initiate the R talk, but I think that is usually the way it happens. Take a deep breath and go for it!
I wanted to address your dog situation too, as that seems to be a big part of your posts lately. I know it seems like a lot. Seems overwhelming at times, especially when he gets into things, chews stuff up, destroys or damages things. It is way worse than raising a child. Just be consistent with your discipline and quick with your praise when he's being good. I know you and D11 are stretched mighty thin as far as your time, but give him time when you can so that he gets your love and affection and knows that he matters. Hopefully, some of the issues you are having are just that he's still a puppy and he'll grow out of them. Consistency is probably the most important thing.
Hang in there! Good luck on your new job endeavor. I'm sure you will absolutely knock if out of the park.
I know, I have to take the risk. I've been burned so many times. I do truly feel like it is different this time and he is feeling it. If the mood is right, I will lightly the next time I see him. He is worth it.
I cannot lie. I thought about giving my dog to a better home. I hate that I even thought about it. We are stretched very thin on time. I also think he really needs outside play, but it is bitterly cold. The dog is causing me monster amounts of stress. We are much more consistent, praise the good, redirect him when he gets bad to doing something positive. But man, when you come home form a days of work, need to cook, clean dishes, ect.... it's tough. D11 heard it from me last night though, I told her there is no more locking herself in the room on Facetime. She is to be where the dog is. I m going to this puppy daycare once in a blue moon at Petco. I visited spoke to the guy, saw the space and the small dogs are separated from the big dogs, they have a big space to be in, toys, babysitters, and the place is super clean. $15 for 5 hours. He is also starting dog training on valentines day. I know it will get better. But yes, a another kid would have been so much easier!
the one thing I was trying to drag out of him was how he felt to have a woman he loved at one point do that to him. He felt betrayed, obviously, but you know the way we still feel so hurt by people we loved?
Eviscerated is probably a better word.
That's a lot of trauma and he still has to deal with her on a regular basis.
'Gonna tell you a little story. Years ago when you were just a little girl I fell in love with a charming lady who had captivated me with her smile, her ability to listen to and remember my long stories and her boobs. I never was a boob guy before which initially disappointed her but she converted me.
Sorry - got side-tracked there by the thought of boobs.
Anyhoodles - about 6 weeks or so in, I told her that I loved her. She didn't say "I love you" back. I was fine with that. I told her that I was ready to say that and if she wasn't, well that was ok. From then on, when the moment was right, I'd repeat it to her. Not as an entreaty, but just as a plain statement of fact.
A few weeks after that just before I was about to leave on a multi-week business trip and during a rather intimate moment - she paused - looked at me very seriously - and said "I love you" to me. A bit later she confessed to me that what caused her to say that was that I was going away and she didn't want to lose me.
We were together for almost 30 years. Each and every morning, even after she told me she was leaving me but not why, up until I discovered her affair and she moved of her own volition against my protests out of the master bed room, she insisted every morning regardless of the time, that I wake her up, kiss her good bye and tell her that I loved her. And I did. And I meant it each and every time.
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Love comes in all shapes and sizes. It is expressed in a multitude of ways. If you feel you want to express this feeling to him, let him know that this is how "you" feel and that he can take whatever time he needs to find his own heart. His way of expressing love to you might not be able to be put in words or in a solid commitment for a bit of time yet. And yes, it might not ever happen. The future is an uncertain place. But if in this place, in this time,
you have those feelings - that's good.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS is why I love Andrew! That was SO beautifully stated. It did make me a bit sad that you still kissed her and told her you loved her after she moved from your room, but the point of that and the whole story was that the love you felt was on your own time. Your last paragraph says it all, Andrew, and I think you are SO right. That was just lovely.
Hi sweetie. So happy for you about the new job and house...so proud of you, too.
I am wondering why you feel the need to have a relationship talk. It seems to me that the relationship is moving forward. He is cautious...given how horrible his divorce was...it is understandable. That coupled with the fact that his child is much younger and all.
I think that is all it is, to be honest. You are still learning about each other....the whole if a man is sick or injured thing...sorry, guys but it's the truth. LOL!
He is learning about you. This is all as it should be.
So I think that you wanting to have that talk is your insecurity rising. I get that, too, completely.
But if you really wanted to "do something different" this time around, I think you need to really think about what you hope to accomplish and whether you really need to have that talk to know how he feels.
Just let it unfold, G. As long as it moves forward in a positive fashion, it's all good.
If you want him to meet your family or friends, then simply state that. "Hey, M, I'd like you to meet...
You are doing wonderfully considering all the new things you have been handling lately.
And I know, because I have done things to make my son happy, that you wanted the dog for your daughter, but, I may have waited a bit to get settled in the new house some, but, you cant undo that. So, to doggie classes he goes. Dont' forget to keep reminding her that she needs to be responsible for him.
You need to take care of you, G, or it all falls apart, you know? You matter...don't forget that.
I agree. I know for me there have been newish Rs in my life where the woman felt the need to push or define it and it just pushed me away. At least with some had she not that R would have continued. What will you acvomolish? How will it change your R? Will it? Or will you just hear words while the actions don’t change. Why? What actions do you want or need to change?
You clearly have a tendency to have to do it right now. The dog, house remodel, cashing in your retirnenbt. Why the need to rush things? Now in the case of M you have clearly done better and it’s working. So why change what’s working? You found what works so simply keep doing it. You say you are in no rush to get married again not sure if you’d want another child. So what’s the rush. Keep enjoying what you have and let it progress. That’s my suggestion. If there is an action item you want, ask for that rather than done statement to define your R. I strongly think that’s a woman thing. Mist guys don’t care so long as they like the woman and she treats him well.
I want to take the time to thoroughly answer your very thoughtful posts. I’ve been reading while watching D11 have a ball in the pool with her friend. I can’t be as thorough as I would like here on my I phone.
I think the reason why I need an ounce of knowing direction is because I am getting D11 involved. I’ve done it without that knowledge and both ended pretty short after. But I know I’m my heart of hearts this is different t and he takes getting his son involved seriously. ExNG would introduce every woman to his kid even if it wasn’t serious. FF has nothing to lose. So I do know his action to have me meet his kid says something becausebits a big deal to him.
Only reason why I want to define anything. Or at least hear he sees this as long term.
The I love you think is because I feel it andnits like bottling feelings inside. But I show it to him, and you know what? He shows it to me.
He’s been burned really hard. I would not have handled it as well as him. For him, I would truly have all the patience in the world. Because I really do love him.
Yes, I should have waited for the dog. I know it. I did it for the kid. It’s all in me. But I can’t undo it. So I’m doing what I need to do in the meantime, it’s the best I can do.
Don- as far as my Reno’s- I did what I had to do to move in. And as we all know, I had no choice but to move out, so I had to pull that money eh. But I did it wisely. It was also not my main rwtirement. I have a much larger nest egg growing that I contribute a decent amount of my paycheck too. Lots of times I do what I can in the situation I a kn and I handled it well.
My dad and I had a nice convo yesterday. He was telling me how proud of me for everything I’ve ever and have been ya fling on my own and all the hange that I just tackle. He says his friends have kids my age and everyone last one of the are leeches. He also apologized to me for not being there when he left my mom. He says he honks about it all the time.
All your words helped me a lot.
I’m not in a rush, things are in perspective. And yes, my dad and stepmom really want to meet him and I’m simply going to ask. I’m sure he would be more than happy too.
He is great. I’m lucky to have met him. He’s treated me better than any man ever has and has shown me more love.
Otherwise, I’m just taking everything as it comes and rolling with the punches!!