Prior thread - Brunch in Ravenna
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2817355&page=1We have now moved along to sometime around tea-time in my journey and have shifted from the ancient city of Revenna with it's monuments and cafes eastwards. Not that the actual direction matters much - after all this is all just metaphors.
In real life, the first soft snow of the season has just started outside my home office window.
Icaria is a small island located off the Turkish coast. It is famous for the legend of Icarus who flew too close to the sun and died.
It is also well known for the robust health of it's citizens perhaps in part because they eat mostly local and unprocessed food and the local red wine is supposedly delightful.
Let's see where this takes us. I do have a destination in mind but plans do change sometimes.
Andrew,
Why tacos and not kebabs?
Why tacos and not kebabs?
Long story related to a kind person long out of my life.
Long story related to a kind person long out of my life.
Was her name Margarita?
With a slightly different spelling, that's my daughter's middle name. Keep trying. This could get entertaining.
When emptying the fridge I came across some archaeological dip mixes that I have no idea how to use and are probably close to 10 years old. Added them to the compost along with the powdered sugar from before. I think pretty much everything that I am unlikely to use as far as foodstuffs is now gone from the house. It will be a pretty darned unusual compost I think.
S24 surprised me by saying that he applied for the job at the local factory
Hope he gets it. For whatever reason he didn't get any hours yesterday at his construction job.
Had my usual long talk for the first time in a while with D26 yesterday morning. She's very stressed for lots of reasons. In the 2+ hours we talked and my asking "so - what have you been up to" - no mention of her mother. I did hear from round-about ways that it was very likely her and OM down visiting in a borrowed camper trailer. So now he's met both the kids ... The next steps are pretty obvious but it's now been over 3 years. It would be a load off my mind if they did marry. D26 is currently on a plane on her way to see her bestie in Vancouver. Seems that her passport works to get there, but not so well to get here
We're working on plans for me to go down at the end of November - need to get a bunch of Christmas shopping done first.
No word from CL - no surprise. She did pop up on social media and noticed a post that I made which was more or less aimed at her. I'm enjoying the book she recommended - The Princess Bride - no surprises there for anyone playing the home game.
Going to be a busy weekend. S24 wants to get a haircut. He suggested that I do it for him at home. I suggested that was a really bad idea so he's going to be riding along for part of the erranding. Car service, snow tires, bagging the Halloween candy etc etc. I picked up about $60 of chocolate coins yesterday to add to the chocolate bars, lolypops etc that I already have - real coins might have been cheaper. There's always a pirate theme at my house and the coins are part of the tradition. I think it will end up costing me about $1.50/bag this year. Last year I was more conservative with the chocolate and it was only about $1/bag then. The lady at the flower shop was happy when I said that I'd drop off a treat bag for her S6 - he's a big fan of chocolate coins it seems. I think my house is on the "must visit" list for a bunch of kids. She doesn't have a car and lives in another town so can't stop by. I already have my small LED projector running inside one of the front bedrooms showing spooky scenes against the window. It works well and I use it for Christmas too. Very inexpensive and simple but looks fancy. I project against a translucent shower curtain.
One more week in this office before I have to vacate. I'll miss (most) of the people here, especially WL. But once I'm no longer here, there will be much less conflict of interest concerns ....
Well back to it. These memos won't write themselves.
My heavens. Good thing I'm wearing my exciting socks (look up BlueQ)
Lots of errands today which had me doing things out of order. And then things happened.
CL reached out to me this morning and was chatty (for her) via text through much of the morning and in to the early afternoon. Perhaps she's getting her head above water. She has plans this weekend so I didn't bother to suggest getting together.
There's an oddly pretty lady who works at the local beer store. She's anorexically thin almost to the degree that you'd think she was "on" something and perhaps she is. She had her hair down today which is unusual for her so I remarked that it looked nice in a semi flirty way. Putting myself out there one step at a time. Being so thin isn't really attractive to me but I don't really care too much about appearances. I do have a weakness for pretty eyes though and her's are large and luminous.
At the grocery store I was chatting with the cashier who has served me there a number of times making comments about needing to feed my son who couldn't be bothered to get up and come with me. She - after some hesitation - asked if I was single and suggested that I attend the weekly singles dance on Friday a couple of towns over. I was quite flattered but said that it was unlikely as I work some distance away. I didn't mention that the only dancing I'm capable of is the "awkward white guy shuffle". But now she knows I'm single - I presume she is as well. A number of her co-workers know me personally but she might not know that.
At the flower shop, the usual clerk wasn't there but the owner (who also has the most amazing eyes - and is more age appropriate) was. We chatted a bit. I know that she did have a steady guy a year or so ago - no clue if she still does. I did suggest that she check out the cafe in my village and as a woman running a small business, get to know the cafe owner who is incredibly good with social media. She might, especially since it turns out that she is quite fond of soup. Squash soup is on this weekend.
The biggest news though is that when I stopped off at the cafe for my weekly scone, it turns out that I was the winner of the raffle and got a lovely gift basket. I'm pretty excited about that. I got my picture taken with my friend the owner and everything. The basket has a coupon for cupcakes, some cookies, and some cooking utensils that I actually know how to use.
And yes - I have a very quiet life here - but I'm wearing my exciting socks. Now off to put away my summer tires into the shed, re-torque the lug nuts on the car and get to my second load of laundry.
Must be Sunday. Liz is curled around the tea-pot again.
I may have put my foot in it. "20 something" is apparently splitting up with the boyfriend d'jour 1/2 way across the province. I had messaged her in the afternoon with a question about the loan I co-signed for her last year (yeah - I'm a soft touch) and she told me that she had been spending the day drinking and crying and needs to move by Tuesday. She said that something changed around noon yesterday.
It's a bit of a surprise because they had been doing the "meet the families" thing recently.
I assured her that if she needed a place to crash that she could stay here for a while. I think she's seriously considering it but she said that she thinks that S24 wouldn't be happy about it.
Having a curvaceous 24 year old woman with no visible means of support living here would certainly put the cat amongst the canaries in the village gossip mill.
I checked on her this morning and she's as ok as could be expected and asked about my offer so presumably she's considering it. Her parents live about 2 km from here but I've gotten the impression that she's welcome to visit but not move in.
She's a professional photographer and had been working for a local company before she left to be with her twu wuv so presumably she would be able to get that job back.
I am always confused when you talk about this woman. Do you think of yourself as a father figure or a potential romantic partner?
Hello Andrew
Oh the archeological dips that reside in the refrigerator. Some of those have passed from food stuffs to life form.
I hope S24 gets on with the factory. Full time steady local employment is hard to find in small towns, fingers crossed.
The grocery store cashier. You have stated you are interested in dating, not really attached or committed to CL, so no moral dilemma, and you freeze again. She was reaching out. You should have gone and just had a good time.
Maybe I am way off base here, but if you weren’t interested you would not be talking about her.
Confidence, you have mentioned it before. Hey I understand, rejection is not fun.
That women risked rejection talking / asking you about that dance. Women and men aren’t really all that different when it comes to insecurities. You could have asked when does it start? Oh that early, my commute is 2 1/2 hours so I would be one hour late, do think that would be a problem? Oh not a problem, that’s good. Are you going? Would you like to go? Etc..
Here is some advice for what it is worth. Go back to store tomorrow, buy something at her check out. This is store in sleepy little town, like my town, not a Walmart in downtown Big City Metropolis. Then ask about dance. Something like - I was thinking about that dance this coming Friday. We’re you planning on attending? And see what she says. I would like too, but... I would like to go as well, perhaps we can go together. How about I pick you up after work and we enjoy an evening of dancing.
Or something like that. Play it by ear. You can do it.
If she says yes, I bet you will be naming the sock you are wearing then a bit differently.
Or not.
Just offering a perspective.
Here is another one. What are you doing in regards to curvaceous twenty something? I assume father figure and helping hand. Even then having her crash at your place could result in angry real father from 2 km away paying you a visit. Remember you only have her side of things to go on.
Now go and buy something from the grocery store.
DnJ
Keep trying. This could get entertaining.
Andrew,
As you probably know, I channel a Magic 8-Ball. Every time I ask the Magic 8-Ball if a specific name is the name of Andrew's mystery Turkish Taco woman, the response is "Ask again later." And that's the problem with channeling a Magic 8-Ball, for the most part it's useless.
Here's my second guess at the mysterious woman's name: Theresa.
Andrew! You co-signed a loan for a 20 something year old woman who isn't family? Then her crashing at your house? I would be REALLY careful with this one, as DnJ says. You are taking some serious risks here.
I think you aren't responding to the appropriate women because of fear of rejection, also as DnJ says. The grocery store woman invited to you to a singles dance! Go!. So what if it's kind of far and you can't dance? I bet half of those people can't dance. They just go to meet other singles and have some socialization.
It seems as if your interest lies in the most unattainable women. CL is not attainable right now. A 20- something who just broke up with her boyfriend of the day, is not appropriate. But the ones who are? You need to go for it. Work through the fear!
Andrew, I have to agree w/Ginger and DnJ. You are taking some risks in not only co-signing a loan for a 20 something, but then offering her a place to stay.
What I'm seeing is a man who is nice, but also wants to be the white knight in rescuing people. This can be all fine and good, but I seriously do not think have her stay at your place is a very wise idea. I know you want to help her, but it's time for her to be held accountable and responsible on her own. She will not learn the lessons that have been put before her unless she "fails" and learns from them.
Andrew, please, please think long and hard about having her stay at your place.
Thanks everyone.
doodler, keep shaking.
Bad day today. Usually I can power through but this morning I just gave up and just before my alarm would have gone off I emailed the plant that I would be working from home and went back to sleep for a while.
S24 knocked on my door to check on me before he went to work.
Difficult day yesterday. While I was doing my ironing I literally had to slap my wrist to stop myself from unblocking my ex on social media. I made a nice Sunday supper of roast pork, biscuits, potatoes and veg. I even made small mug cakes for us using the measuring spoons from my raffle prize. S24 was rather snippy and even though he was civil he ended up throwing out much of what he took to eat.
More of the incredibly vivid dreams last night. It's weird how "tactile" they are where I can actually feel her on the other side of the bed. Smell her. Hold her.
I'm a mess. I want the dreams to stop. I want them to go on. I want them to be real.
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I wouldn't worry too much about 20S. For a while the summer before last I think it was, job and I thought that she might have a crush on me especially since she would snapchat me pictures that always seemed to include her cleavage. I think she looks on me as a kindly and somewhat gullible uncle. She is my son's best friend so I can't imagine anything happening and suspect that she would be horrified at the suggestion as would both of my kids.
I'm also not cut out to be anybody's sugar daddy.
-----------------------------------
I will probably make an effort to go through the line that that one cashier works at. Find out more about her. I know that she has a S27 living at home.
I think part of what holds me back is a reluctance to "put myself out there" - just like my avoidance of OLD. To go to something like a singles dance means that I am willing to engage with whoever might be there. Just like with OLD implies that I'm open to whoever might be interested. I know that I have agency and can decide on who I might want to spend time with. Fear is still indeed a thing though. Bad as it sounds as well, I am rather picky and also afraid of making a poor choice like I undoubtedly did 30 years ago.
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My good friend at work was organizing a "good bye" lunch for Friday when I move out of that office. Oddly, the people he's invited are the three women I work with who I have been sweet on.
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Well - I need to face more of the day than this post.
PS - The loan was last year. She's got it almost paid off now.
What? I was certain her name was Theresa.
Maybe Aphrodite? Other top choices are Rebecca, Celeste, Gertrude and Formica Dinette.
If none of those are correct, I'll have take drastic measures.
A hint for you doodler. It was a woman. You got 50% of the answer right - that's a pass in most educational systems.
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More nightmares last night. I hate how they make me doubt my reality. I made sure to not have any rich foods nor alcohol and it made a bit of a difference. Dinner was comfort food. Creamy tomato soup and grilled cheese. Still had the reconciliation / intimacy dreams. And one where my 2 year-old nephew was lost.
I think I'll just have to wait this out.
blargh
The cats woke me up a bit over an hour early as they do on a far too regular basis. Yelling at them is counter-productive but getting up and giving them a short cuddle and fresh food usually does the trick. Going back to bed checked things at work. Things went splat again so I sent off the appropriate memos, cleared out the mess on the servers and am now making my porridge.
Even though I don't feel like it still, I'm going to head in to the plant. I finally got access to the gate last week so have more flexibility on my schedule. I have almost 2 weeks of vacation that I need to take before the end of the year. I may take a few days in the next while.
No word from 20S - she has lots of options if she does chose to move. I did see a post from D26. She's made it home safely from Vancouver so presumably her passport is working. I may ask her if she knows if she's expecting to be alone for Christmas (husband in the navy) and perhaps she can come home for a few days.
You got 50% of the answer right - that's a pass in most educational systems.
Andrew,
In the U.S., 50% is stone-cold failure. I'm beside myself.
This is beginning to feel like a really weird rendition of Rumpelstiltskin. In 6th grade I had a very minor role in our Rumpelstiltskin play. I was completely enamored by the girl that played the lead role; her name was Gwen. So, Gwen is my next guess. And if Gwen is not the correct name, I have a strategy. I've devised a plan... <evil laughter>
More nightmares last night. I hate how they make me doubt my reality.
Sorry about the nightmares. I wish I had some words of wisdom or valuable insight, but I don't.
Good Morning Andrew
I am sorry you’re have another rough patch.
I found that for me when I am having those dreams or bad nights, there is something my subconscious is struggling to figure out. Being patient and going with the flow will eventually sort it out. Your statement - “I think I’ll just have wait this out.”, is correct.
This statement I would like you to consider:
Fear is still indeed a thing though. Bad as it sounds as well, I am rather picky and also afraid of making a poor choice like I undoubtedly did 30 years ago.
Two things:
First, do you fear she will say “no”? Or do you fear she will say “yes”?
For myself regarding the women I am finding myself drawn to, I fear she would say yes and throw my life into sweet chaos, with me being still married and all.
Second. I doubt that you undoubtedly made a poor choice 30 years ago. It took three decades for this poor decision to show up? Cut yourself some slack, no one can look that far ahead or be held accountable three decades later.
Your choice to say “I do” all those years ago was a good one. Many happy times, and two wonderful children. The unfortunate events were not of your choice, however your current events are.
Your choice to cast doubt on your decision of 30 years ago, will undoubtedly cause doubt with current decisions and choices. In an already doubt filled event of reach out to some else, I doubt you need more doubt - that is doubtlessly counter productive and without doubt more stressful than it needs to be.
Andrew, you are a kind, caring, and thoughtful person (without a doubt). H3ll, you have a good job, and even your own teeth and hair.
You make good choices and decisions.
Quit doubting yourself.
DnJ
Well, I'm not a guy and I am not interested in meeting one at the present, so my observations probably don't hold much water here.
But, seems like you spend a lot of time thinking about women you may be attracted to or who may be attracted to you, and then you have these entire "relationships" with them where you plot out all the problems and how they will go.
Sounds exhausting. How about living more organically and just working on being a little more spontaneous and see where that takes you?
You are a great guy. At some point you will be in a room with a woman you find attractive, who will share that attraction at a time when you are both ready to act on it and things will happen. I have no doubt.
Hi Andrew. I´m only thinking on 20s underwear drying on the line...I should put some strategically placed spotlights and let the gossip break free on the wind...
This is beginning to feel like a really weird rendition of Rumpelstiltskin. In 6th grade I had a very minor role in our Rumpelstiltskin play. I was completely enamored by the girl that played the lead role; her name was Gwen. So, Gwen is my next guess. And if Gwen is not the correct name, I have a strategy. I've devised a plan... <evil laughter>
Not Gwen - although I never did know her middle name.
Inigo Montoya: Who are you?
Man in Black: No one of consequence.
Inigo Montoya: I must know...
Man in Black: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo Montoya: 'kay.
Better day today. I got nearly 12 hours in bed last night with only 1 short nightmare early in the evening and not associated with my ex at all. I probably got 10 hours of sleep.
I was talking to one of the company presidents yesterday and he assured me that as far as he was concerned that I had no worries about job security which is good on the face of it. I just need to keep my head down, get stuff done, add value. I think I need to learn a lot more about that side of the business. He hinted that my role would probably expand into production planning which means understanding the plant, packaging, customers and competitive pressures. Certainly a stretch far outside of my usual scope of work but useful even if I'm wrong. I need to spend some extra time keeping an eye on things I don't normally and research and listen.
You can never really tell what's going to happen though and I was talking to our salesman (who has similar concerns to me) and we agreed that the tallest grains in the field may well be the first chopped although he referred to it as a whack-a-mole process. We know cuts are coming even though that specific division is massively under-staffed right now. Especially with support/admin staff. The corporate group which I'm officially part of has a number of rather highly paid people that have little to do with the dramatically smaller company that will be left after the merger / acquisition.
I checked in on 20S this morning and she's doing better and choosing to stay in the same geography as she is now which makes a lot of sense. It certainly makes my life simpler. Remembering times that my world has fallen apart I can appreciate how it gives you confidence when someone "has your back". For me, usually there hasn't been anyone.
Presuming that my ex is stalking me, I've been tempted from time to time to "poke the bear" - woman's undies included. At one time I was parking in the side drive as I used to do when she parked in the garage. A few weeks later S24 asked me pointed questions about it. No clue what she's up to but realistically if she just spent a week in a camper trailer with OM meeting her daughter she's not likely to circle back anytime soon. If she does move in with him though I can imagine some "sparks" - she's not the easiest person to live with. She did almost walk out on me when we were first married when I insisted on packing in advance of us moving which involved moving "her stuff". She made it to the bus stop but had forgotten her purse.
Going to play hooky in a short while and head "into town" and get my flu shot and pick up some lentils to use with my left-over pork. I'm often reluctant to try something new but lentils are supposedly quite good for me and don't spoil. That is one nice thing about social media and being a bachelor with probably more than an appropriate number of female "friends" - they tend to rally around to help when I'm stuck figuring something out in the kitchen.
Have you gotten the Shingles shot yet? You may want to inquire about that one.
Job,
"...get my flu shot and pick up some lentils to use with my left-over pork."
That's Canadian slang. What Andrew was really saying is something like, "I'm going to get drunk, pick up some chicks and...ummm...well, you know."
Have you gotten the Shingles shot yet? You may want to inquire about that one.
Not available (for free) here until after I turn 65.
Job,
"...get my flu shot and pick up some lentils to use with my left-over pork."
That's Canadian slang. What Andrew was really saying is something like, "I'm going to get drunk, pick up some chicks and...ummm...well, you know."
I also got butternut squash to go with the pork and made some squash soup for my lunch
It's only "well, you know" in Canada if it involves Maple Syrup. I remember volunteering at the local festival which I used to do for years telling people "if you're not sticky when you leave, you didn't have enough fun"
I need to date someone with teenagers. I now have a large pot of soup and another of lentils, squash and pork where before I just had a plate of pork. The goal of reducing the leftovers seems to have not been met. Adulting is HARD.
Originally Posted by job
Have you gotten the Shingles shot yet? You may want to inquire about that one.
Not available (for free) here until after I turn 65.
FYI - I think I am seeing a lot more younger people getting shingles - including myself at 58 and my friend at 57. You might want to consider paying to get it before 65. There's a new version that is much more effective - called Shingrix in the states.
BTW I suspect the reason for the increase in younger people is that we're not longer getting a "boost" to our immunity by being exposed to kids with chicken pox.
I got my shingles shot a few years ago and I wasn't 60 yet. After seeing a co-worker and my mother experiencing the shingles, I asked my physician about it and he wrote a prescription for me and I got it at a local pharmacy. I had a very slight reaction to it, but I'm glad I went ahead and got it. Shingles is absolutely nothing to deal with. It is well worth spending the $$$ on to get it.
Like kml, I have seen a lot of "younger" people getting it. The co-worker was in her mid 30's when she got it.
Shingles is absolutely nothing to deal with. It is well worth spending the $$$ on to get it.
It's only "well, you know" in Canada if it involves Maple Syrup. I remember volunteering at the local festival which I used to do for years telling people "if you're not sticky when you leave, you didn't have enough fun"
I need to date someone with teenagers. I now have a large pot of soup and another of lentils, squash and pork where before I just had a plate of pork. The goal of reducing the leftovers seems to have not been met. Adulting is HARD.
Andrew,
I'm onto you. You're sly. Underneath that humble down-home exterior is a ruthless player. I'm sure you've seduced female tourists from the U.S. with your Canadian bacon. "Would you like to go back to my place and have some of my Canadian bacon? It's much more substantial than the stuff you're used to. And, you'll love my butternut squash."
I know the name of that Turkish taco woman; it's Rapunzel. No?
Why is this stuff never easy?
I'd made the choice to step carefully away from CL as she obviously isn't able / willing to make time for me. I do know that she's got a lot going on. Sent her a message late yesterday letting her know that due to an office move that for the entire week starting on Saturday that I was available and that I would also be in her geography on Saturday evening for the "stag and doe" and Sunday afternoon going to the theatre. She replied back a bit later which I read in the middle of the night (still sleep problems - no nightmares though!) with the unsurprising but usual list of "I'm busy" but with a question on if I was planning on going alone to the stag and doe.
I gave it some hard thought and responded mid morning today beginning with "K - I'll make other plans", said that I was going to the party solo as S24 wasn't interested and wished her luck with the other things on her list.
Today - well - I have a date with her on Saturday before the party. She also hinted broadly that she might be interested in going to the party.
My intention had been to let her know that I was "moving on" - from something that to me that hasn't really had a chance to get started. I think she didn't want that. I don't think taking her to the party - where we would be identified as a couple - is a really good idea which is why her first suggestion - of meeting me there and us leaving together - didn't work for me. Her question about if I had a date for the party was obviously fishing to see if I was multi-dating I think.
I do "really" like her but I can't be left to sit quietly on a shelf indefinitely. The party starts at 8:00. We're meeting at 7:15 at a pub close to the party and I figure that arriving to the party around 9:00 is good (which runs until quite late), stay there for under an hour and then the long drive home. She has church early the next morning so won't be out late herself.
Underneath that humble down-home exterior is a ruthless player.
My "down-home exterior" today is wearing a rather nice bow tie and gold cufflinks with an Egyptian cotton shirt. Not quite the traditional Canadian Capote. I don't even own snow-shoes.
Oh - and the lady's name has absolutely no relationship to cabbages.
I hate filling up this thread un-necessarily - other than playing games about cabbages - but just to clarify - I sent the note suggesting I was available 90% expecting the answer I got. Then I could step further back with a clear conscience as she herself would be saying that she wasn't available. The careful thought was on what to say that was brief, friendly and more or less the "friend-zone" that I had figured I was living in.
What did surprise me was the sudden 180 on her part.
I'm not nearly smart enough for this nonsense.
And yes - I'm happy that she's making an effort at least for now. When we're out we need to chat about how we can sustain contact if that's where we're going. I worry a bit that she just wants to ensure that she's got her stamp on me but not interested in doing anything with it. Paranoia perhaps from being married to a very possessive woman for a very long time who did largely take me for granted. And CL did exhibit possessive tendencies on that first encounter.
As has been discussed on other threads, I personally do like the idea of a possessive woman who is somewhat clingy - perhaps because it's what I am used to - makes me feel wanted. Complicated slightly by the fact that since BD I have made a "lot" of very nice female friends. Some of whom are also younger, attractive and available.
Andrew,
Sounds like she realizes at the last minute that you aren't waiting around for her and she ropes you back in so to speak. She certainly gives me the impression, from your posting, that she doesn't want you to stray too far from being there for her. . I don't think you want to be her Plan B. Besides, you do not need to tell her if you have a date or not for the stag and doe. I would have let her ponder that question for a bit.
Just my two cents.
Andrew,
Sounds like she realizes at the last minute that you aren't waiting around for her and she ropes you back in so to speak. She certainly gives me the impression, from your posting, that she doesn't want you to stray too far from being there for her. . I don't think you want to be her Plan B. Besides, you do not need to tell her if you have a date or not for the stag and doe. I would have let her ponder that question for a bit.
Just my two cents.
How was she supposed to have gotten the impression that he wasn't waiting around for her? I don't see anything in his communication with her that suggests that he is moving on. He said he was available to see her for the next 7 days and confirmed he wasn't bringing a date to the stag and doe.
She's a highly religious, married woman going through a messy divorce who has a busy life and doesn't live particularly close. I get the impression she likes him, but isn't in a place to have anything more than a casual friendship right now.
I just don't see her plotting to keep Andrew as Plan B, based on what he's shared here.
My response to Andrew's latest posting was based on what had transpired regarding the Stag and Doe and CL's response of being "busy" once again. As I stated, it was just my two cents.
I have followed Andrew on his journey and his "budding" relationship w/CL over the past few months and at the beginning of the friendship/relationship, CL was in pursuit mode just a bit. She was interested in Andrew and even came to his home and made comments about his home. Once he began to show an interest in her, they texted back and forth, and yes he showed quite a bit of interest/concern in her and her situation and offered her support in the days ahead on her divorce and how things were progressing for her, she began to cool down a bit. Andrew would text her often and the response time from CL began to take longer and she wasn't quite as chatty as she had been early on. The texts began to show up as "I'm busy or I have been busy". I may be wrong, but I can't remember if CL has initiated on her own recently in reaching out to Andrew or if Andrew has been the only one reaching out to her.
CL's circumstances have changed since she is in the process of a divorce. Her lawyer may have advised her that it is best to not be involved w/someone else while the divorce proceedings are in process, it could be her religion (but I doubt that since she was showing a lot of interest in Andrew just a few months ago), she may have come to realize how much time a divorce takes to prepare for, her children may need her more now than ever or she didn't realize how interested Andrew would become and isn't ready for a new relationship at the present time. Whatever, the reason, she's cooled down and uses "I'm busy" quite often.
When Andrew stated he was going to the Stag and Doe, she was interested in knowing whether he was taking someone or not. When he responded, she accepted his response. But, later, she expressed an interest in going to the party after saying that she was busy. CL may have realized, after much thought, that Andrew may eventually get discouraged and begin looking else where for a new relationship. After all, Andrew is a divorced man who is available, nice looking, has a home and a good job w/a kind heart and shows much compassion who could meet someone who will show interest in him and then his focus would then be on the new person and CL may think that she would lose his support and interest. Therefore, after some thought, that may well have been why she stated she was interested in the dance.
Some people tend to get discouraged after a few attempts of asking about meeting up or text messaging and the other person is silent for a period of time or responds "I'm busy" frequently. When people frequently get such messages, they tend to step back and wait for that person to contact them and eventually they may move on because the "I'm busy" message can be interpreted in several ways.
job - you've nailed it I think.
I couldn't help coming and updating. I just saw on the Facebook that CL has marked that she is going to the dance. Good thing I've got an extra ticket
Which she may or may not know.
I do clearly keep in mind a comment a while ago from DnJ about how tough it is to balance a divorce, kids and a potential new relationship. Going to do my best to be careful here. It's good I think that I had a gap between the original infatuation and now to get at least a smidgin of perspective to navigate this. A bit concerning as well that she's self-inviting. But that's something we can talk about before the dance. I'm ok with it if she is. It does mean that it makes it more that we're "dating" than having just dated. There's a distinction to me. There are also some of the red flags that you job and a few others warned me about after that first night.
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One other thing to report. I had a brief and as usual disturbing encounter of the ex-wife kind last night. I'd just gotten home and was exiting the garage when she pulls up on the street in front of the drive, slows down and then speeds off. Being as S24 was in the kitchen window at the time and gone when I got in the house from getting the mail from across the street I presume they went out together and they had to meet at some undisclosed location. It's both annoying but also helpful that she is still very determined to avoid me.
In some ways it would be better if she acted more "adult" but then again if she'd acted like an adult we wouldn't be in the situation we are. There are some things that we could co-parent on like me transporting Christmas gifts for both sets when I go visit D26 next month (hopefully) and her taking a more active role in helping S24 get his license.
S24 got home after a few hours, went to his room, then back outside briefly. Perhaps handing over some of his mother's stuff I'd given him to return. I'm slightly curious about that.
I was disturbed again this morning when I left my bedroom and could almost immediately smell my ex's "scent". At this time of year she historically slathers on Vicks Vaporub. Very sexy I know - but hey - you learn to live with and not mind such things. Was she actually wandering around the house last night? Or was it S24 using extra muscle rub which is also menthol based? No way to tell.
I did drive by her apartment this morning which is sort of on my route to this office and she's still parked there so my theory that she's moved is wrong yet again.
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Had a nice lunch with some good friends here which included 2 of the women who I have been sweet on - but kept a professional distance from. Dramatically different people and it was interesting seeing them side by side at how different they are. Completely different interests and conversation. Not to mention that one is tall, slender and white and the other isn't.
This is my last day working out of this office. I'll miss the people here but as I'm supporting the business during the transition to the new corporation we'll still be interacting for at least the next 6 to 8 months.
So it seems we have a dance? Good Andrew!
Good Morning Andrew
My day to sleep in and I am up finishing the left laundry from due to my septic system problem. Ha ha. I was going to try to go back to bed, but I can tell my mind is now awake as I am up at 5:30 on weekdays. I’ll probably fall asleep during the ride (D16 driving practice) to and/or from the city for her music lesson.
I have also followed you and this time with CL, hey you’re one of my favourite people here. job’s view mirrors my own. CL is in a tough spot right now, and will have trouble placing you in the top of her priorities (for now).
But, let’s talk about what is current, and happening.
A date, a then a dance, good for you.
I am glad you have what you feel is a better perspective - it is probably more than just a smidgin.
Her abrupt 180, aren’t all 180’s abrupt to those of us on the receiving end. It may not be as last minute as it appears, although I do tend to think that. Point is it is just that at single point in this R with her. Keep your perspective on this, one time is not a deal breaker, however stack a bunch of them up, well then Andrew has some figuring to do.
As I said, CL is still in a difficult situation, and that is ok. Enjoy your time with her, enjoy the evening, forget about all this for a while and just have a good time.
Enjoy the journey, it is usually more important than the destination anyhow.
DnJ
Enjoy the journey, it is usually more important than the destination anyhow.
Very true words my friend.
Well - people are probably expecting a "date report" so here goes.
We met at a restaurant called "Moxies" - a chain up here. Not one I'm real fond of as it's overpriced and usually staffed by very young women in tight black dresses who are "very" happy to see you. Always reminded me of a higher end Hooters. It is what she suggested though and the impression I've gotten thus far is that she does enjoy the finer things in life.
As an amusing to me side-note, at one point this girl came in and sat at the bar a few stools down. She seemed to be fabricated out of plastic. Extra long pointy nails, fake looking hair, revealed midriff that was probably the size of my leg. She sat there for a while stirring a complicated looking drink and at one point (was paying attention to the beautiful woman I was with) vanished leaving more than half her drink behind. Working girl perhaps?
I was actually a few minutes earlier than CL and got us into the queue for a table. She arrived looking fabulous but dressed casual hugged me and we sat up at the bar to visit bypassing the table queue.
She told me that she had nearly canceled a few times because she had another of her continuous stream of bad days. I think by the end though that she was glad she came.
We sat there for a bit over 2 hours with mostly her talking - which I'm fine with. The times I said things she did listen and not just brush me off to talk about her issues. The first and probably largest part of the visit was her catching me up on the events and non-events of her life. The kids are really struggling and her S13 is acting out a "lot". Her STBX is following the usual script we see here over and over of being entitled, uncooperative and doing nothing to move the separation negotiations forward. I wasn't keen on just hearing bad things but felt that she probably needed to get them out.
We finally shifted the conversation over to other topics and she talked about her family, church, some of her future plans, my adventures in housekeeping etc.
One thing that is bothering her and surprising her is that for the first time in her adult life, money is tight and I think she's struggling with how to deal with that.
I was unsurprised when at one point in time I used the word "date" and it seemed to startle her. I suspect that up until now she's not thought of seeing me as "dating". She did mention later in the evening that she refers to me to people as her "sort-of Uncle". Also, when I mentioned that I prefer a neighbourhood pub sort of place to the one we were at she first said that there weren't many and when I named one of my favourites she commented that she didn't like the idea of going to that one because she would know too many people there. So - I'm not very official it would seem.
She did ask why I was reluctant to take her to the stag and doe and I told her honestly that I didn't want to presume and that if we were there together that we would be identified as a couple and I wasn't sure if she was ready for that. Not sure if that answer confused her or not. We did end up going though. She seemed concerned about the price of a ticket but laughed when I told her that I had a ticket for her that I had bought a long time ago in the hope that I would have found someone to date by then.
We took separate cars to the event and walked in together. Jaws dropped. 95% of the people there were a fraction of my age and I had no clue who they were. My actual niece (CL is a pseudo niece) ran over, gave me a giant hug and ensured that the tickets and such were all sorted out. I introduced CL as "this is my friend (insert name here)", went around the room to say hi to my nephew and his bride to be and then sat at the "old folks" table with my sister, her ex-husband and her current partner where similar introductions and jaw dropping was done. Unsurprisingly my sister took a picture of us together but surprisingly this morning checking social media, those weren't included in her photo dump. Did perhaps CL ask that they not get posted? I don't know but she seemed comfortable when they were being taken. We stayed for about an hour, overlapped with my youngest brother and his wife who was thrilled to see CL there and headed separately home. The good-bye hug had the kiss move another couple of inches closer towards target. If there is another, it might actually land
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A couple of things to note. I'm generally "really" bad at reading expression and such but again this time I noticed a "flicker" from CL on certain things. As if everything was following a plan she has. One was when she was saying that she just wanted to run away and I suggested that she could hide out in my spare room. Another was before she left she asked me to message her when I got safely home and the flicker happened when I dutifully said "yes dear".
I do think she has a plan and I do think that I'm in it.
I did have a very nice time and I think she did too, but I think that my own plan is to follow my original inclination to step back some more and not chase after her. If she wants to spend time with me, that's good. If someone else crosses my path, I've made no promises but for now, I'm not going out hunting for someone. It might be a bit crude, but if she wants to seal my path to her's it has to be done via SWALK - "Sealed With A Loving Kiss" - and she's not there yet.
In some ways I feel like an odd sort of OM and perhaps I am. Neither fish nor fowl. While I'm not the cause of the end of her marriage and she only started chasing after me some time after she tossed her STBX out, I do think - much to my discomfort - that I am lightly tarred with that brush.
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Just a bit of other news. Prior to heading out on my date, I stopped at the cafe for my scone and got teased by my friends there about my lack of dates for the party. "Stalker Lady's" daughter happened to be working in the kitchen, so I didn't bother correcting anyone but complimented her very sparkly shoes.
I noticed in the fridge a couple of days ago some left-overs that didn't come from here that are exactly the sort of food that my ex cooks. So - S24 must have gone to see his mother for a "home-cooked" dinner when I had my "close encounter".
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One final thing that I want to explore a bit. We talk a lot here about OW and about the sort of attraction that they may have for our spouses. Over the last couple of years, I've done a "lot" of reading and also hauled out my own entrails for examination.
Looking at the pool of available women who are out there to date, there is certainly a number of them who would be easy "rescues". Single moms like my friend at the flower shop whose lives would be made dramatically easier by an established albeit rather older man. Even younger married women could well be interested in seemingly making that jump from the "hamburger years" to "steak". There are also those who just feel that they "need" to have a man in their lives and will take pretty much whichever one comes along.
I know that I am vulnerable to pretty much any woman who would take an active interest in me and tbh - am a bit paranoid about that.
We all know that I have a "white knight" complex. But I also have a fear of being taken advantage of and then discarded. There was a letter published on another site that gelled this for me. It was from a young OW to her married lover explaining that while she appreciated all he had done for her that now that she had had his help to start her own business and was successful that she felt that the age difference was just too much and "buh bye!".
With that said, it's time for me to get changed, have a bowl of soup at the cafe - they said they'd save me a bowl of the carrot and ginger - and then off to see Man of LaMancha by myself - something that really surprised CL who was sure I would have taken S24.
I'm glad you had a good evening out w/CL and were able to have a nice chat about some things. However, I do find it a bit strange that she refers to you as a "sort of Uncle" to other people. Does she have an issue w/telling people that you are just friends? After all, she is separated and preparing for a divorce and I do not think people would question her being in the company of another man who is not her husband. In today's society, people look at separation/divorce so differently than they did back in the 60's, etc.
It's going to be a big adjustment for her life style and having money on hand. She's going to have to learn how to manage her money more smartly and learn to live within her means. That may frustrate her for a while until she gets the hang of it.
I hope that she can figure things out and find her inner peace and strength to move forward.
Andrew, I do think you are right about one thing, you need to step back and allow her the time to focus on the business at hand of her divorce and dealing w/her children. Allow her to be the one to initiate a text, email or phone call. As we say around here, give her all the space that she needs and when she's ready, she'll contact you.
Sounds like you have a nice afternoon planned. Enjoy the rest of your day.
Hello Andrew
Did you have a good time? What was your favourite moment of your evening? Aside from the tight black Moxie dresses, that chain is here too.
Good to see that you both could sit for two hours and still have stuff to talk about. I get that a lot of that was her talking about her life, and you’re right see needs to let some of that out.
I am sure she has a plan or hope, much like yourself, for where things may be heading. Those flickers at certain times could also be her just feeling happy and wanted, something I am sure is in short supply given her present relationship woes. Saying “yes dear” and flirting with offering a spare room would give her heart a flutter.
I support your plan of stepping back a bit and seeing what she is wanting to do. Not playing hard to get, just keeping the pressure low and going with the flow.
There are some red flags of course, the shock at considering this a date, the uncle idea, and such. Hey none of us are free from baggage or flag free. Besides like you said not too official, so just enjoy her company.
I am glad you can see your vulnerability and recognize your desire to be the white knight. I am not sure it is quite that stark and consuming as you have stated, it is however present and you are aware if it. The fear and paranoia of being used and discarded is something everyone who has been hurt feels. It is difficult to trust and risk, so take it slow. Live and love like you’ve never been hurt. As I told my daughter after her broken heart (and mine) - I will and you will risk your heart again, it is so worth it.
I am interested in your answers to my two original questions I assume you would like another date. I also assume the good night kiss was not on target, something you would like to see remedied.
I am sure many jaws dropped, your corner of the world will be a buzz with gossip, espically with the last minute arranging of this date. I am guessing not many knew about it, considering you didn’t know until almost just before. The next few days could be interesting for you with prying questions from the carting people in your life. I have limited my nosiness to two questions - for now.
Take care and have a great day
DnJ
Andrew, my friend,
I would like to ask what CL brings to your life? What does she have to to add? What was your favorite part of the date, like DnJ asked?
In her turmoil and situation, what does she have the potential to add to your life as a partner?
In the womanese I speak and hear spoken, there are two possible interpretations of a woman telling a man that she tells other people he is her "sort-of Uncle."
1. "I am getting the sense that you think of me as a potential romantic partner, and I want to let you know that I don't think of you that way, but I don't want to come right out and say it because I don't want to embarrass you (if I'm right) or me (if I'm wrong about what you are thinking)."
2. "You and I both know we are dating, but I feel embarrassed or guilty about that and so I need to let you know that I am not ready to admit to anyone that we are dating and this is the cover story I'm giving to allow me to spend time with you without anyone suspecting that we are dating."
A look of surprise at the mention that the two of you are dating supports interpretation number 1.
Not wanting to be seen with you in public could support either interpretation.
It's possible that this form of womanese is specific to my demographic or social group (since neither Job nor Ginger commented on this), but I've seen it mirrored in movies, TV shows, etc., so I think it's fairly widespread.
There are other words that women use to communicate meaning number 1. Describing someone as "sweet" for example, although that one is used just as often by men to communicate the same thing.
My heavens - what a performance. I had to use my hanky more than once. The combination of a story that is dear to me, delivered musically by talented performers was powerful. I've never seen Man of La Mancha but it is a wonderful interpretation of a story that is important to me with an ending different from the books that truly resonates - and called for another use of the handkerchief. I did have a bunch of problems with the rape scene but it was done as tastefully as it could be.
Rose - to clarify - I AM her uncle - of a sorts. She's the daughter of my oldest sister's husband from his first marriage. We met a couple of years ago at her father's funeral.
I'm not sure how much was "womaneese" and how much was just a woman thrust into circumstances not of her own choosing and confused about what she wants.
Ginger - TBH - I don't have a good answer to the bulk of your query
Did you have a good time? What was your favourite moment of your evening? Aside from the tight black Moxie dresses, that chain is here too.
Actually those tight black dresses make me uncomfortable because they aren't the choice of the staff but intended to make them eye candy.
I did have a good time. Certainly listening to her anger and complaints wasn't a lot of fun but once she got that out she was an engaging and interesting companion. You'd smile at one small vignette - she was finishing her drink and accidentally spilled her ice on both the bar and herself. I reached over and picked up a piece of ice from the bar that she missed but the one sitting on her sweater on her chest I pointed out and said that she would need to deal with that one herself.
I will say that my favourite part of our conversation was when she was talking about her vision for the future. One thing that really struck me was her talking about how single women in her congregation are more or less "invisible" and that the leadership doesn't really know what to do with them. She intends to change that. She also mentioned that she had an idea for a business to start but couldn't tell me. When I accepted that she went into details and she has an excellent idea that would be complex to carry off but could do well and plays well to her skill sets for organizing and managing.
One of her challenges and perhaps that of other women of strong faith is that they quite often form partnerships within their congregation. CL and her STBX were very active in theirs. STBX is now pretty much non-participatory. I would think that for many mature women who are single for any number of reasons find the pickings rather slim to say the least when looking around the congregation. Adding widows to failed marriages where often the husband has gone off with a newer model perhaps creates a surplus situation. CL knows well that I am not a person of faith but that I have a lot of respect for her faith. We talked for example about how for a bible study lesson for a class she was teaching this morning she actually went back to a translation of the original Greek text (which surprised the heck out of me and impressed me) to get a better perspective on the original story. I expect she is pretty unique in doing this but she says that the kids she teaches get very into it. She did also say that once her S13 is confirmed this winter that she'll probably step back from being quite so active and push for the next generation to be involved. She said that she's been teaching in her church since she was 15 and figures it is well past the time to pass on the torch.
There was a significant increase in physical contact which I liked. She put her hands on my arm and on mine numerous times and there were several times that our legs were touching or my arm went behind her. Not in a provocative fashion - just comfortable. She seemed to have no problems when I would reach out to touch her. I did notice at one point when she pulled one of her rings off and moved it around different fingers lingering on her left ring finger. I can sympathize with what demons she was perhaps wrestling with during those moments. Taking my own ring off was very difficult and I still miss it. Looking at my finger, even after 2 years from taking mine off, I can still see the groove.
I "believe" that she knows that I will need to be encouraged to continue to interact with her - we'll see. I'm not expecting anything from her today as she has company for dinner but we'll perhaps see if she reaches out to ask about the musical she recommended that I was at today. She may not.
I was thinking just now that men like me are probably fairly pretty rare. I don't recall but it's perhaps been 4 months since she stayed over in my spare room. And here I still am - completely un-smooched. And working on being more or less OK with that.
Good Morning Andrew
I am glad you had a good time. And yes, I did smile at the ice cube placement and nonremoval.
It sounds like you had a very pleasant conversation and I can see how discussions of the future, life, business ideas, would be a favourite part. Her views about the status of single women within the congregation and her desire to change that is interesting.
Ah, the physical contact, very comforting, very respectful, very Andrew - in the best way. Did you dance with her?
I am curious to see her level of encouragement. Your intentions are I believe known, time for her to show her’s, atleast a little.
I would say that honourable caring men do exist, not sure of the rarity, just may be hard to find.
Keep living forward my dear un-smooched friend. You are doing well.
DnJ
Andrew,
Here are my next three guesses of the enigmatic Turkish taco woman's first name: Anastasia, Esmeralda, and Kim.
Here are my next three guesses of the enigmatic Turkish taco woman's first name: Anastasia, Esmeralda, and Kim.
I was wondering if you were still playing.
No
Although "Kim" was the name written on the other ticket that was held for me at the stag and doe. Somewhat surprising as first off, I never told them that I was bringing someone and also didn't say who it was and that person's name wasn't Kim. Hopefully the real Kim got in without issue.
Your magic 8-ball is working after a fashion - but is picking up too much random noise from the multi-verse. Try perhaps shaking it in a darkened closet in your basement.
I'm currently nursing a rather bad hang-over working from home in my PJs. Late last night one of the critical servers went down causing problems with month-end processing. One of the techs left me a voice-mail which I didn't get until early this morning. It's not been a good start to November. Things are largely sorted out. Lots of memos being issued, my boss is making some really stupid pronouncements ("We are now going to stop doing back-ups") and I'm just sick of the whole thing. I know that it's partly the hang-over and partly just being really tired of working for this man who has no clue how things under his official responsibility operate but I am more than ready to just throw in the towel. I do have a son and ex-wife to support though so that option isn't available. This too shall pass though. I know this.
I just did the math and it is now 967 days since bomb-day and 927 days since I was last kissed.
Halloween - one of my most favourite days of the year went well. Of the 100 bags of candy I filled I have 1 left. Usually I get about 80 kids but with the good weather even on a school night there were a lot more. 20S messaged me during the day that I am to mail her a bag of candy so she lucked out that there was 1 left. I did laugh at her message to me where she wrote that "I look forward to your bag once a year". Yeah - that certainly could be misinterpreted
. The weather was ideal so I sat out in my sloop dressed as a pirate, drinking rum and handing out candy. I actually don't have a clear recollection of cleaning things up and getting to bed but at 54 a lot of things do run on auto-pilot. Even when I've not had a nip or two, I do find that a lot of "automatic" things in my short-term memory just aren't there the next day. I expect that's pretty common but it does worry me from time to time. It is part of the perils of being "unsupervised" that I can make these poor choices with little consequence.
One of the things about being mature and single with essentially no responsibilities (S24 would manage on his own and my ex has an insurance policy on me) is in my mind the sad reality that taking care of myself or not really doesn't matter. I do still do my best and probably do better than when I was married but it is something I think of from time to time. Disturbing perhaps to know that it really doesn't matter if I live or die. Maudlin I know - but perhaps today is the day for being maudlin.
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I did send CL a couple of pictures of my setup yesterday afternoon - no response - no huge surprise. This is the first message I've sent since I got home Saturday night. I think she's actually anti-halloween. She certainly doesn't celebrate it and has mentioned that before. She's not initiated any contact.
I've talked to a few very good friends and my conclusion is that she's "put me on the shelf". Marked as belonging to her but not of present utility. My belief is that she identified me quite some time ago as a good future partner, did the necessary to get me interested but now is (reasonably) doing her best to deal with the crap that is going on in her life without any real thought about me.
She has posted a couple of things on social media which previously I would have done the obligatory "like" and perhaps comment on. Some somewhat interesting things. I've not bothered. Unlike early on when she was obviously chasing me, she's not interacted with anything I've posted either. I'll always have "stalker lady" and her daughter for that at any rate
The same people I've talked to have also pushed me very aggressively to date others, especially everyone's favourite "flower shop lady". My SIL2 who knows her a bit has suggested to me that she was perhaps in an abusive relationship previously which might explain some things.
One of the things that SIL2 pushed me on was to state who would be a better match - FSL or CL. My own opinion is that in many ways CL is the better match. She's more age appropriate, has a wider view of the world and would challenge me to get out of my comfort zone. FSL is perhaps 20 years younger than me. Certainly much more than 10 - I'm no judge of woman's ages even when I can see their elbows. She also is probably not all that well read and has rather limited life experiences I think. They both have strong personalities and kind hearts though.
I do think that for all intents and purposes that despite all of the potential future positives that I see in CL - that that relationship is stalled on take-off. If I pushed, I could probably make something happen but that's not the right way to do things. As I so very very often am though, I could well be wrong but tying my cart to that particular horse isn't going to get me anywhere anytime soon.
Will she notice that I've backed off? Will she care? No clue.
Oh and DnJ - to answer your question, there was no dancing. We were there during a break from the band and the music being played wasn't very danceable anyway.
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I've been signed up for online dating on match and pof for a couple of years now. Other than for some brief episodes I've kept my profile hidden. I think that this has given me an interesting perspective on the people out there.
There's a widow the next village over - the same village my ex lives in in fact who has been on both of those sites almost as long as I have been. She's disappeared a few times, presumably dating but then come back with additional comments on her profile about how she's not into young guys nor guys who have issues with the fact that she has a lot of guy friends. She's a machinist (posted on her profile) and so having a bunch of guy friends is no surprise.
A couple of days ago I spent a bit of time doing some sleuthing and have found her traces on the internet. The village she lives in is only slightly larger than mine (public knowledge on POF) and I knew her first name from her match profile. Oddly she has 2 Facebook profiles but perhaps one is related to her dog breeding / training. She has beagles. I also found the funeral announcements for her former partner (not husband) who "died suddenly" and just a bit before she started up her dating profile - which is a bit concerning. She has a couple of adult kids and grandchildren. I even have her address and know what house she lives in which is a bit run down and smaller than mine.
Yes - incredibly scary what you can find out easily.
She had a recent public post about Remembrance Day which on a whim I pressed "like" on making it 3 people. She may well be curious as to who this somewhat random person is. It would be pretty easy for her to see similar things about me as what I can find out about her. She may in fact know my ex-wife presuming she goes in to the village grocery store but may not know her last name and make that connection.
I'm debating reaching out to her directly after tapping "like" one or two more times to have her see who I am and not through the dating site to see if she is interested in going out for coffee. The concern that I have is that it could be rather "creepy old man stalker guy" of me to do that. I am perhaps over-sensitive to people's privacy. On the other hand as Vanilla once told me - there's really nothing to lose. I would be interested in knowing people's opinions on this. I am a good Canadian and pretty much always "play by the rules" and this is going outside of that.
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Minor update on the ex-wife saga. I did check in S24's room and yes indeed - he did pass back her pool queue but not the paper towel holder which he's had since last winter. The paper towel holder, I had been going to toss but when I cleaned it, it had a dedication on the bottom from her then recently deceased mother as a Christmas gift. No clue why S24 still has it but perhaps his mother didn't want it (?) which just seems bizarre to me.
I'm debating reaching out to her directly after tapping "like" one or two more times to have her see who I am and not through the dating site to see if she is interested in going out for coffee. The concern that I have is that it could be rather "creepy old man stalker guy" of me to do that. I am perhaps over-sensitive to people's privacy. On the other hand as Vanilla once told me - there's really nothing to lose. I would be interested in knowing people's opinions on this. I am a good Canadian and pretty much always "play by the rules" and this is going outside of that.
AndrewP,
Opinions? Man, I'm clueless when it comes to the dating stuff. But, in my opinion, it would probably not be a good thing to send her any penis pictures before you actually meet her.
Good Morning Andrew
Sounds like quite a day. Server problems and a hangover. Halloween must have been good, you even have a bag of candy left for yourself - I’m pretty sure S24 will have polished it off by now. Unless you do set it aside for 20S. Her comments are bold, shock worthy, and brash - just what is expected. She is a young person exploring the world and starting to figure out how to make it on their own. A lot of bravado can be shown when you are hiding insecurities and unsureness.
I think you are correct with your assessment of CL. It does appear, for now, that you are on the shelf. Not too big a shock, as you know, she has lots on her plate. A step back was a wise choice.
Oh, dancing. I want to pass on something directly from the fairer and prettier of us. No not doodler - Women.
The last time I went to a social, it was a wedding social by the way, I learned something about dancing. This was, oh my, well I could do the math and calculate. Like you my counter of days unsmoochied, days unhugged, days un-well-whatever, is reaching 400ish, and counting. Doesn’t matter, sorry got side tracked.
At functions like this, most guys sit and drink, and gaggles of girls end up on the dance floor dancing with each other, while the love of their life sits, talks, and sometimes watches.
I don’t know if you have noticed but I don’t really follow the crowd. Shhh, it is kind of a secret, don’t tell.
As such, and because music just gets inside me, I was an early participant in the flock of us in the dance floor. Btw, very few guys joined me, oh well their loss. The women did get most of their unwilling spouses to at least dance a few times.
The girls, mostly W, had a great time. They told me the biggest thing they want to do is just go dancing with their partner. It doesn’t matter if he can dance or not, or how well or poorly, they just love it and want you to join them.
We all have insecurities, dancing seems to be a common male one, females have, well,... hmmm... nothing. Damn they are just about perfect, no insecurities to be seen.
Why I am saying all this. If you ever get the opportunity, and she asks you to dance (or better you ask her) go and do it!! You will make her night. Heck you already making it by dating, you will make it special by dancing.
As to advice or opinion on “creepy old man stalker guy”. This lady is on online dating. She is open to the idea of dating and receiving invitation through that medium. To ask her out for coffee is a good idea. How you go about it. I do like the personal approach but I do not believe you and her cross paths very often, if ever. The, I found your profile and looked you up on google is a bit creepy. It is amazing the information you can find out about someone. So, perhaps, the better approach may be to follow whatever protocols the OLD provides for getting people in touch with one another.
IMO, that is a pretty good approach, in this case. She is expecting or more accurately hoping for such advances, and she can preview you as well. Hey all she can do is say no - well... she could say yes!
DnJ
Reach out to the lady through one of her dating sites. Don't be a creepy guy! Just because you can find people and information on the internet, doesn't mean you need to tell that person. lol.
I'm glad you're finally putting CL on the back burner.
I agree. Even though we know we all go search for them immediately on FB, we keep that on the D.L., because it is creepy, even though everyone does it!
And why do you refer to yourself as "creepy OLD MAN"? Is she significantly younger than you?
But, in my opinion, it would probably not be a good thing to send her any penis pictures before you actually meet her.
Hey - if anybody wants to see that, they need to ask permission first! No freebies. And sadly - no queue.
I agree. Even though we know we all go search for them immediately on FB, we keep that on the D.L., because it is creepy, even though everyone does it!
And why do you refer to yourself as "creepy OLD MAN"? Is she significantly younger than you?
I do worry about age a fair bit as you know but more so about how "appropriate" any actions may be. Perhaps it's a hold-over from dealing with my ex but I am perhaps over-sensitive about violating people's privacy. At 48 she's 6 years younger than me which is no big deal I'm sure. Looking at her FB profile her POF pictures are representative but more flattering than the candid ones where she still looks good but has an expected compliment of wrinkles etc.
It would be nice to bypass the OLD site. I'm going to ask a couple of friends if they know her I think. I'm still reluctant to put myself out on the auction block. I hate to think that I'm being picky - but I'm being picky. There are some undoubtedly lovely ladies whose profiles I see who wouldn't be my first choices but who I would have difficulty saying no to if they reached out. Perhaps I'm being a bit too presumptuous as well but I believe that stable middle aged divorced men are a relatively rare commodity.
2 years ago I would have taken up with pretty much any woman who would have shown interest - flower shop lady for example. For much of my adult life I was made to feel "less than" and that I was just darned lucky to have a woman like my ex wanting to spend time with me. I now know that I can choose. I can choose to stay single. I can choose a new partner. I don't have to accept just any offer because I'm desperate. I think that's a mistake that a lot of people make on rushing in to a new relationship with "whoever". Would it have worked out between FSL and I if she had not backed out on dating me nearly 2 years ago? Quite probably - but it would have been a very different relationship than any I am likely to form now even if it would be with her.
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"Interesting" day today. Since my new primary office isn't ready yet I've been working from home for the last couple of days. I tend to move around from location to location anyway to try to keep in touch with the staff and what's going on at the different sites.
I had an interesting run of good - bad luck today. Even though I don't officially believe in destiny or karma it's nice when things work out. Or perhaps it's just how I choose to look at them.
At lunch time I decided to pop out to pick up some early Christmas gifts for D26 - exciting socks and preserves to put in a gift basket. While in one of the shops, the clerk noticed that my tire was flat. Grumble. Change to the spare and go to a local reputable tire place to have it fixed. I figured that the place where I bought them a few weeks ago would perhaps give me a hassle, not have any possible replacement parts and I just wanted it fixed. For all the days this could have happened, having decent weather and mid-day, on a nice paved street was "ideal". Certainly better than pre-dawn on a major highway in bad weather while I was en-route to an appointment. I expect that this tire would have gone flat regardless due to the installation issues and am grateful that it happened when I was able to easily deal with it.
The tire place was a bit reluctant to do an emergency fix and made no promises of turn-around time but there happened to be a tech free. I went next door to McDonalds (my ex's favourite place that I pretty much never go to any more) and grabbed a coffee and a burger for lunch to occupy my time.
As I was leaving I noticed my old room-mate and friend from University (who lives locally) sitting with his dad so stopped to chat (another weird co-incidence). As often happens - because "how's the family" always comes up, we made a few jabs at my ex-wife and I mentioned that I had been on an actual date. One of the guys there commented that he knows of a widow roughly my age in my village that he plays something called "pickle-ball" with. I think he's going to pass along my existence.
I went back to the tire shop and it turned out that the tech was just finishing up. Total bill - $30. I was pretty darned pleased. He mentioned that the valve was leaky and that the tire bead had come unset. Fortunately - no damage to the actual tire from being flat which could have happened if that kind person hadn't noticed and I would have tried driving on it.
Another bit of "destiny" - in yesterday's paper a job was posted that I am perhaps somewhat overqualified for but the pay range goes up to my own (almost). It's a government role which is not in the domain that I'm used to and comfortable with but it's a 20 minute drive and probably pretty steady work. I adjusted my resume, wrote a cover letter and applied this afternoon. Fingers crossed. They may be surprised to see someone of my qualifications being on their doorstep.
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Busy weekend up ahead. First weekend of the month when I do the full clean of the house. There's the village craft show as well which I'll check out. A local photographer always has some very nice Christmas cards that he does up and I'll pick up a couple for special people including my daughter and CL.
I also have a haircut in the morning and need to hit the butcher shop. We're out of stir fry meats and I'm almost out of the excellent garlic breakfast sausages they make.
I'd hoped to go to things like this craft show with CL - but am not going to suggest this particular one. There's another in the city that she lives in in a few weeks. Perhaps she'll suggest it to me as she knows that it is the sort of thing I'm (and she) is interested in, but I'm really doubting it.
I did get 20S's Halloween candy mailed off to her today - I expect she'll be tickled to get it. From her angst of previous I'd thought she'd split from her boyfriend but she told me to mail it to that address. No clue what's going on there - none of my business.
I need to visit the local cidery / winery and pick up some bottles for the gift basked I've decided that I'm going to give D26 and her H for Christmas. I've got my vacation booked for the end of the month but still need to book my hotel. I'm thinking a gift basket filled with goodies from home would be appreciated. Certainly not something I could reasonably mail.
I started working on a new bird feeder this afternoon and got most of the pieces cut more or less to the plans (my available scrap lumber didn't quite match) but hit a snag during a trial dry-fit so have set that aside to work on later. I find that if I force my way through a project that it doesn't turn out nearly as well as I'd like.
Well - thanks for following along if you made it that far.
Still keeping an eye on you...even over here!
Thanks Westo. I was very happy to read your update - it was very heart-warming and I am sure will be comforting for a lot of people who are struggling at the beginning of their own journeys.
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Another difficult Sunday morning. Sundays are always the difficult days even after all this time. I really had to struggle to get out of bed this morning. I was in there for almost 11 hours - the time change is my friend I suppose. I tried to muster the energy to take myself out for breakfast but it wasn't there. I haven't done that in so long that I can't remember the last time. It was an "us" tradition that I kept up for a while after she left. Breakfast is my favourite meal of the day. But I just stayed home and had my usual. Eggs over steamed spinach with local sausage and a hash-brown. And of course the pot of tea. I'm writing this in the kitchen instead of the office this morning so my cat Liz is missing out on cuddling up to the warm pot. She's allowed on my desk, but not on the table.
"The Lonely" is hitting again today. Not nearly as bad as a couple of weeks ago when I stayed in bed pretty much all morning on a Monday when I should have been going to work.
Thinking back it's probably about 3 years ago now when my ex-wife's "friendship" slipped into EA territory. The PA started the following January immediately after protestations she made at a New Year's Eve party that it was silly that I was worried about her having an affair and how she was so very faithful to me.
If I am lonely, it is a choice that I have made. Westo's post made me ponder the "What If" that I'm sure many of us do from time to time. Would my outcome have been different if I'd not prodded for a divorce? No clue. My journey certainly would have been much harder.
I do believe that I could easily have someone in my life if I had lower standards and made an effort. There are a number of women who I see on the OLD sites who are obvious rescue candidates. One of them is an old friend (more of my ex than me) who is currently working 2 jobs and just put her house up for sale. She is also very like my ex in a number of ways - ones that make her a less than ideal partner. There are also some women who seem quite lovely - at least from the limited view you get on an OLD site. I'm just not ready for that route as yet. I was very close when CL jumped the queue though.
My barber and I were chatting yesterday and he also believes that single, stable middle-aged men are a rare commodity. And also attractive to a subset of women who are looking for a "sugar daddy".
I was chatting with a friend recently and one realization that I shared that I don't believe that I've shared here is that while it may well be true that my ex is expecting me to be right where she left me, I'm rather guilty of the same thing. I still notice the blank space on a very rare post on FB by D26 where there is a like or comment that I can't see because I've blocked my ex. Heck, I even drive by her apartment from time to time to see if she's still stuck there - which as far as I can tell she is. I have noticed that she hasn't changed her profile picture from the one she took with S24 2 years ago when she was still here and when I checked quite a while ago she still mainly has pictures on her feed of us as a happy couple. None at all by her that include OM.
I'm not completely sure, but I think she saw S24 yet again on Friday evening. For the first time since we got the house appraised a year ago, S24 did a major clean of his room and then left without telling me - his usual pattern (outside the cleaning) when he sees his mother. Has she perhaps remembered that she has a son? This is highly unusual for her to see S24 so frequently and for no apparent specific reason. Up to now, she's only seen him a small handful of times outside of her parents' funeral early this year.
The only intel I have about her is that she did go to Virginia to see D26 and "they" spent some time in Upstate-New York - something that "we" had planned to do back in the day. I wonder if he knows that she's making him live her dreams with me. Maybe even she doesn't look at it that way. After that trip, I fully expected everything to become "official" and her to move. As far as I know - that hasn't happened. I would presume that she may well be frustrated by that. And she does have "quite" the temper and sense of entitlement.
I've also noticed a change in S24's attitude. He now seems honestly thankful for when I do things around the house for him. A knock on his door announcing the arrival of the "dishes fairy" used to be treated as an expectation but for the last while he's been looking honestly thankful. He's even offered to make his delicious sausage and sweet pepper cassarole for Sunday supper. I'm going to do up a pumpkin pie with the Halloween pumpkin (I just get a pie pumpkin and have a kit to decorate it) and also another pot of butternut squash soup.
And yes - pretty much every post of mine mentions food
I do think honestly that I am still somewhat "stuck". As I wrote to my friend, it would be easier perhaps if my ex did get her "happily ever after" which I'd thought she might have yet again after her trip with (presumably) OM to see her daughter in Virginia. Not that I'm waiting for her to need rescuing. I got fired from that job. But deep down, I think she still has some sort of hold over me. Do I over her? No clue. My presence still obviously affects her given her zooming off in the two recent episodes when she encountered me. Once on a sideroad where I was taking an extra long walk and once at the end of my own driveway.
I was listening to an interview with a "relationship expert / divorce lawyer" and one thing she mentioned really resonated with me. She described one divorcing couple where the husband was complaining that at the beginning of the relationship, he "rescued" his wife who was badly in debt and had run up her credit cards by paying it all off but she never changed her behaviour and became responsible. That jarred me - it was pretty much exactly my story. In my case I paid up her back-rent, got her on to my credit card (which she/we ran up) and carried her and rescued her from her troubles - financial and otherwise for a lot of years. It was only until a major financial crisis about 15 years ago that she/we became much more responsible and she was so very proud of that. Just around when her EA started was when we finally got completely out of unsecured consumer debt. I recall how startled she was when one day when we were out shopping that I had no problem on dropping $2000 on a nice wooden bed. Something that had been inconceivable for the prior 25 years but now was no problem. We had the savings to more than cover it and paid cash.
I think part of what drew her away was her dreams of "the good life" that OM was offering. Dreams that to date haven't been realized. I fully expect that she used the money she took from the joint savings account to finance her trip with him to the Caribbean in early 2016. There haven't been others that I know of despite the fact that we would for quite a few years go at her insistence.
I keep a very close eye on my finances which is much easier now that I don't have a partner who doesn't share her spending information. I'm actually more or less back to the point I was at on bomb-day. No debt outside my rather modest mortgage, reasonable liquid savings. I got to keep my pensions in the settlement and they have - on paper at least - performed quite well putting me on track for a modest but comfortable retirement when I get there. I expect S24 to be independent by spring or summer of next year which will help my finances as well. My spousal support payments - while from some points of view are rather high - do have a sunset date on them in a few years. If my ex hadn't gone off chasing her "happiness" and his wallet - we could have perhaps been looking at an early semi-retirement in a couple of years. My house is one of the lowest valued houses due mainly to cosmetic reasons in an island of inexplicably low prices so when the time comes to cash out - I should do reasonably well. In the mean-time it is quite inexpensive to live here and it is still very much my HOME. Something that means a lot to me, and meant a lot to my ex. She loved this house and the stability it represented. Much different than her childhood had been.
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Busy day yesterday. The village fall craft show was on so I attended as usual. I picked up a nice painting done by an artist who lives 2 blocks away of the village pub as a present for D26. It violates ethics slightly but I also scanned the painting in to keep a copy myself. There is a wealth of talent in this area with a thriving artistic community which if you were to see my house, is reasonably well represented. I've replaced the art that my ex took (more or less) some time ago with prints and originals. Several of which I got a super deal on at a local charity auction some time ago. I have a couple of spots that could use some art but am waiting for the right piece. I recently won a draw and a signed comic strip ("BC") is on it's way as well. It's surprising perhaps how nice things can be modestly priced or can just be "stumbled" across.
Also at the craft show I picked up some cards done by a local professional photographer to use as Christmas cards. I'll be sending one to D26 and quite probably also to CL who - even if that relationship is stalled / not going anywhere - is a nice person who I like.
While at the craft show I also ran in to one of my ex's best friends who was running a booth as well. We've stayed friendly. I don't think that this was one of the enabling friends. I did "let slip" while chatting that I have been dating - it didn't seem to have an impact.
Did my usual round of errands although I think I made myself a nuisance at the flower shop chatting for a bit long. (FSL was off - couldn't get a babysitter) I did get the hint and wandered off. I did a stop to the local butcher shop we use, got the usual staples plus some nice strip-loin steaks one of which I eventually had for my supper.
Lots of cleaning done yesterday - still lots to go. I did get the bathrooms scrubbed and a fair bit of laundry. Today washing the floors plus dusting, sweeping, and ironing on the list along with making a pie and soup. My ex-wife has (perhaps) no clue what a "perfect" man she left behind - snicker -.
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What's not obvious on the reader's side of the screen perhaps is the passage of time during the composition of these long rambling bits of nonsense. I type, think, make some notes, read, revise, re-read. This post has taken a full pot of tea and over an hour to put together. An hour for reflection, thought. An hour of healing.
These posts now are as my tag line says - really for me. Many years ago I attempted to journal / diary on paper. I'd always read about "great men" and how their diaries were a tool for them to do what I'm doing here. I'm not a great man and never will be. I'm a lonely middle-aged man in plaid PJs who doesn't have anyone to talk to right now.
I'm grateful for this venue.
I'm also grateful for being a creature of habit. Call it boring and predictable or reliable and consistent. One of the things that gets me out of bed on weekends is the fact that people of "expectations" of me. I'm expected at the flower shop on Saturdays around lunch-time. I'm expected at the cafe in the early afternoon on Saturdays and at lunch on Sundays. Silly perhaps to think that I worry about disappointing people by being less than predictable - but it gets me going. If there are (doubtful) any people early on their journeys reading here, one of the things that has gotten me through some bad days is routine.
Soon time for me to shower and go for a walk - and then to the cafe for a bowl of soup. I wouldn't want to disappoint my friend there.
Hello Andrew
I am sorry those feelings of loneliness are rearing up. I recall last weekend was difficult also, with you missing work and remaining in bed. I do hope things are starting to look better.
Your feelings of being stuck are normal and ok. Your path is unknown and sometimes can seem long, just keep moving forward, step by step. It is ok to pause once in a while, however getting stuck is not a good idea. The watching of our spouses or ex-spouses can be an anchor at times. I’m guessing you feel if she move on to OM, found her happy ending, it would bring some finality to this. It might, however it is still your choice as to whether you let her remain to have a hold over you or not.
You are correct we are creatures of habit, usually rather predicable. Nothing wrong with routine, however sprinkling in some spontaneity can sweeten an otherwise bland day.
It sounds like you found quite a few sweet deals on art work. Even the one that slightly violates ethics.
A good lesson in patience there, waiting to find that good deal. I like the idea of the Christmas card from the local photographer, something not mass produced by the millions.
I have found your posts well written and can appreciate the time you spend on them. You do take a lot of care to illustrate your feelings and views. It is noticed.
Now, you may feel like a lonely middle aged man, sitting in his plaid PJs, enjoying tea, while his feline friend Liz curls around the teapot, while you enjoy eggs over spinach (really spinach - yuck), and having no one to talk too.
In all that, the only thing not a choice is the middle aged part, and probably where Liz hangs out.
Ok, let’s get the big item out of the way. The fact that you are putting eggs on top of spinach. Spinach?!?! Use bacon. The hash browns are good and the sausage is good. Lose the green.
I am not oblivious to your plight and pain. You and I are in similar situations and I understand the “no one to talk too”. For what it is worth, I enjoy our conversations, even though it does take a while to send and receive our posts. I know, not much solace, I also miss those talks with that someone.
Take care.
DnJ
Oh my...eggs on spinach....what a way to ruin perfectly good eggs....ewww....slimy green leaves....I am going to have to have a serious talk to that man....really! green at breakfast.....put eggs on toast with bacon and cheese and salt and ketchup....never heard of a spinach and egg McMuffin....I just can’t see that catching on....maybe it is one time thing...no he has mentioned it before....
Just joking Andrew.
Hope that put a smile on your face.
Some days I think that I'm either too dense or too nice or perhaps both.
Yesterday I re-read the "good-night" message after my last date with CL a couple of weeks ago which I had ended up with "hope to see you soon". Lost in translation was her reply of "and hopefully sooner than later".
She never commented on my Halloween note - perhaps because it's not her thing. After thinking about it from last night on, I sent her a message a short while ago first apologizing for dropping out of sight due to my own busy stuff and other nonsense and then asking her out for Friday night and failing that made an alternate suggestion that we Christmas shop together at an event coming up in her city a week or so later.
She has plans with her kids for Friday night that might not work out (D17 is sick) so has given that a maybe to be confirmed Friday afternoon. She seemed quite grateful for my patience and went on (for her) a bit about that - my reply was "you're worth it". And the reality is that she is. Her legal stuff is probably coming to a head this month as it will be the 1 year from when she booted her STBX out and I believe that she's done all her disclosure. She also has kids and business and church all going on around her while I just have to make sure the cats' litter boxes get cleaned twice a week. Which I forgot to do this morning.
I'm down at the corporate office in downtown Toronto today for group meetings about our pension plan and to catch up / be visible to my colleagues down here. Had a nice visit from the CFO and the secretary to the owner among others - nice people. Managed to largely avoid my boss thus far. I'm the "team lead" for our corporate Movember challenge (the prior guy retired and so I just took over) and the CFO has gotten behind it and will be pushing other current and retired senior executives to step up and donate.
I plan to get out of here on time to get to the flower shop's open house at a semi-reasonable time. I'd promised FSL that I'd be there tonight when she's working it and I usually pick up something nice for my house. Outside of any non-commercial things, I do think that they recognize me as a regular customer who does drop a noticeable amount of money over the course of a year on my roses and other things. I'll probably order my Christmas centre-piece tonight.
On one hand it seems slightly callous to continue to foster these relationships but the reality is that all of the potential single women I have been associating with are really nice and I like them regardless of what the future may hold. I expect that to a person that they would be happy if perhaps (maybe only in my imagination) disappointed when I do finally start seeing someone steadily / officially. None of them other than CL have I given any indication of an interest in a relationship with them in the future. And even with CL it is pretty nebulous.
Andrew,
It sounds like, overall, life is going pretty well for you. On the other hand, my life has hit a rough spot; I'm struggling to figure out the first name of the Turkish taco woman and it's beginning to wear me down. I don't want to send you a long list of names because that wouldn't really make use of my psychic powers. I'm not sure what to do. Is her name Jill?
It sounds like, overall, life is going pretty well for you.
I know this. I just don't appreciate it as much as I should.
It would be nice if I gave you a hint.
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So - Friday night with CL isn't working out. Her kid plans are on. So - we're going to have lunch on Tuesday. I do get the feeling that she's wanting to make an effort again. But I also get the feeling that she's expecting me to drive the "asking out" part which given her 100% custody and other life things is challenging. She was working on being "very" flexible last night as we messaged trying to organize. I did laugh because one restaurant I suggested for lunch got a response of "didn’t feel like I’d have to go again, but I’m willing to try it again" - so another restaurant needs to be found. One thing I do like about her is that she seems pretty honest about her likes and dislikes.
I'm also coming to understand / rationalize some of her issues including the "Uncle' one. As always I could be 110% wrong here. Her kids, especially S13 have been pretty messed up now that the divorce is becoming a reality. Mom "suddenly" dating
while still legally married would probably mess up the kids even more. Add to that a very conservative religious group of friends and I can see her keeping things under wraps. On the other hand she seemed perfectly willing to be identified in social media with me at an event on my side of the fence which her friends and her D17 would have seen - but again - perhaps explainable as "uncle".
Having very much lived in the world of cognitive dissonance I think I recognize the signs in her.
With that said, I'm annoyed that she can't be as open about seeing me at present as I'd like. Perhaps classic OM thinking? Having that tar brush anywhere near me is a real problem for me.
I did get another indication that she has "plans". I live a bit more than an hour north of her. She does know this area having lived in a town close to here for a while as a girl but has told me that it was a very unhappy time in her life. There's a congregation of her church the next town over. A couple of months ago she had the kids up picking apples in the area. On the weekend I suggested we go Christmas shopping together she's up here again with the kids making wine. Acclimating them and reconnecting to the area and to people she knows here? No clue. There's lots of things to do where she lives and to the south. She has very few reasons to do activities around here. She is very smart and does complex project management as part of her job.
Looking at it as a "project" - her D17 will be done high school this year and her S13 will be leaving elementary. Her divorce should be a fait acompli by early next year. She has flexibility in her work location / schedule. Timing getting close to me for next summer would be "convenient". She likes my house I know and doesn't like the one she has although she's intending on keeping it in the settlement. She is in some ways stereotypically German in how organized she seems to be. Except when it comes to planning dates with me which she is leaving on me.
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So since Friday night with CL is out, I've sent a message to a dear friend who happens to be single and female - but also platonic to see if she's interested in dinner. It's been a few months since we last got together.
I did get to the flower shop's open house last night. I had a laugh because the owner's first comment when she saw me was to tell me that FSL had just left - dashing out to watch a favourite TV show. I hung out for a short while and chatted with the owner and FSL's mother and picked up a new decoration for the house. I think they were slightly startled to see me in "work" clothes. I was wearing one of my red bow ties which is probably an unusual sight there. FSL's mother I think likes me a fair bit and I'm a fairly good fit perhaps with their family as they are active in raising and racing horses - something I was involved with myself when I was younger.
Late last night just after organizing with CL I got a message from a (now former) colleague saying that she wants to get together for lunch sometime soon and catch up. She's an OW who captured a man about 20 years older than her about 20 years ago and is about 10 years younger than me. Her guy is not aging well (and neither is she) and I just get a "feeling" from the tone of her message and other recent contacts that she may have some interest beyond the platonic. They've never made it "official" but have been cohabiting all along. Again - could be quite wrong, but as people say - if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. We became friends when working together about 15 years ago when my attitude about infidelity was more "mainstream" and she's been a strong albeit contradictory supporter ever since my own situation hit the fan. I also think that she's been stalking me on another forum as in her message she called me by the handle I use there. I do quite like her as a friend and she is a nice person who I know is still dealing with the fall-out of the choices she made when younger but just treading carefully here.
It is interesting to notice that even after a couple of decades that an OW still has issues with being "judged". I think her guy is still happy to have a much younger attractive woman with big boobs on his arm and doesn't feel judged in any negative way at all.
I was going to mention this previously but kept forgetting but I believe I've accumulated another stalker. She's the widow of one of my best friends from many years ago. A mentor of mine in fact. She's probably close to 15 years older than me and very sweet. She taught me how to boil eggs many years ago. I used to do magic tricks and make balloon animals to amuse her girls when they were little. Her husband died about 10 years ago I think. She's a part-time author and is "old money" and very active in supporting the arts, especially theatre. She'd mentioned to me a while ago that she'd like to have lunch when I'm in her city and that she had a friend who she'd like to bring. I do need to make that happen.
I hate second-guessing presumably innocent interactions. My natural instinct is to believe and trust and to be completely honest and open with people. Holding back some information from people who have proven themselves to not be worthy of trust.
I'm burning through this thread a bit faster than I wanted to - I may have to adjust my plans slightly. I was listening to a podcast from NASA Johnson Space Centre last night where there was a serious discussion on the need to plan mid-course corrections on the Orion craft when the crew - ahem - drops a load. But I'm in the midst of things and making choices that may affect the rest of my life.
Oh Andrew, your posts always make me feel a certain kind of way. Let me preface this with, I'm a big fan. You seem like a lovely, down-to-earth, kind gentleman. No, I'm not stalking you, just the feeling I get from reading what post. You care about people and that is a fine quality in a person. I'm rooting for you to "win", whatever "winning" is for you.
But here's my disconnect: I get that you have developed feelings for CL and I'm sure she's a lovely lady in her own right, but SHE'S MARRIED. I know she's going through a divorce and from all of your accounts, she's finished with her STBXH, but why would you want to entangle yourself with someone who is "on the rebound"? You have a lot to offer someone and obviously have some other options, so I just can't wrap my mind around why you continue to pursue this particular woman. I get that everyone is different and everyone moves at their own pace and all that jazz, but it just seems messy.
It's neither my life nor my business, quite frankly, but every time I read a post, I'm secretly wishing that FSL or someone else would capture your attention a bit more so that you could be with someone who is completely unencumbered and treat you in a way that a gentleman deserves to be treated. And, now I really sound like a crazy stalker lady. I promise, I'm not anywhere near you. LOL
Whatever you do, as I said before, I'm a fan and I'm just rooting for you to "win".
Awww - thanks Dawn - you can feel free to stalk me if you want to - there appears to be a growing number
In this "modern" world it is a difficult thing to differentiate between married / separated / divorced. Less difficult than perhaps it was 50 years ago, but difficult.
The last one is pretty clear cut. I've got a piece of paper with a red stamp on it that I can show anyone who asks that yes - I'm no longer married.
Dating while separated is a bit of a trickier issue and I do think that CL herself is struggling with that. Her marriage was over when she booted her STBX out after his ranting and his refusal to work or take responsibility for the marriage got too much for her.
There are "of course" lots of people out there who lie. Who claim to be separated or in a loveless marriage but aren't and you can be sure that I made sure that CL is indeed separated and do believe her when she says that there is no way that her STBX would be welcomed back. Have her kids or her community accepted that? I think her kids are working towards that as far as I can tell not knowing them personally.
My own marriage was over when my ex first got deep into planning a new life with OM, even before the actual sex started. I just didn't know that for some time and then took an even longer time to accept it.
Once I did, and perhaps before I was ready, I did look to see what I could find in the way of a new relationship. FSL was pretty much the first to cross my path. Due to my own timidity I've not been as pro-active of seeking out new relationships as I might be which is one of the reasons why I'm not in one at present.
There is also what we think our relationship status is, and what those around us think. I'm sure that my ex thought that as soon as she told me that she was leaving me (but not why) that she had full license to do whatever she wanted. But she kept it all a deep dark secret for a very long time. CL I am sure is also worried about what her kids and community think. Hence the current misdirection that I'm not happy about.
It is indeed messy and I do indeed struggle with this and I appreciate you questioning me on it.
Why not give up and move on you ask? Well, I ask this of myself too. We get attracted to the "potential". We get invested in the sunk costs.
In this case there really is very little in the way of sunk costs on my side and I've learned that chasing after them is a fools game. There is potential though. And yes - I "really" know that "potential" or even more so "fix-er up-ers" isn't a good basis for a relationship either.
I'm pretty confident that in some ways that CL is more healed / moved on than I am. The only mentions of her STBX are with respect to his interactions with the kids or his being difficult with going through the settlement. No consideration of where he is or what he's doing. I still - lacking a better word even though it's not completely accurate - care.
Yes - I'm more than likely her rebound but it's a pretty slow bounce with a lot of dribbling and ball handling in the process (I svck at sports analogies). And I do think that she's probably more invested in me than I am in her.
I'm certainly keeping all of my options open - thanks in no small part to the great advice I've gotten here and she's not the only "iron in the fire" despite my reluctance to date multiple people at the same time.
Yes - there very likely are completely unencumbered and wonderful women out there. The widow who I was recently stalking/creeping on Facebook comes to mind.
But I also keep in mind the sort of person that I am. The one who - perhaps foolishly - believed in his wife and in his marriage. I do regret how long I hung on and yes, I've learned a huge amount about myself and other people and relationships in the process.
I'm also a person who believes in people. I'm the guy who does give a second chance. The one who understands that sometimes people have bad days or are going through their own special pits of cr@p. Who wants to help but sometimes knows that the best help he can give is to not interfere but to - if you'll pardon the DBism - "be the lighthouse".
On the other hand - if FSL on Saturday ran up to me, planted a big wet smooch right on target, she would probably nuke the entire competition out of the water. A guy can hope can't he
Oh and I believe that super-sleuth Ginger1 has her phone number. Doodler - you could learn a thing or three from G and her investigative powers.
I am afraid the logistics kind of preclude me from stalking, but if I ever make a trip north, I will keep it in mind.
Thanks for all of your responses. I do honestly believe that people have to do what is right for them in their situation and I do hope that however things wind up for you, it is what you want, but I did enjoy reading your responses and I found them very candid.
I think I'm super old-fashioned in that to me separated and divorced are 2 entirely different things. For me, dating while separated just didn't feel right. Which oddly, was something my XH supposedly believed in as well, until WE were separated and he'd started sleeping with his skank and then all of a sudden, he totally changed his opinion about dating while separated. Funny thing was, he didn't like it when one of his best friends did it nor did he like it when a good friend of his had a wife who did it, but all of sudden when HE did it, it was just fine and dandy, because "separated people date ALL the time, Dawn, it's the norm" as he once told me. Ugh.
Anyway, the long and short of it, is, I appreciate your responses and wish you nothing but the best.
I had a laugh yesterday at the flower shop. FSL it seems got an ear-full from the others about the fact that she missed me at the open house. She seemed to be a combination of annoyed that she missed me and annoyed at being nagged about it by her co-workers.
She did say that her S6 was quite happy to get his bag of Halloween candy and that she let him have it right away.
It may be my imagination but she's looking younger and younger. She did quit smoking and drinking and has been working on losing weight so that's undoubtedly part of it.
I think she's pretty comfortable with me and likes the fact that she can tease me and also just "tell" me things and I accept it. For example, I suggested that my roses didn't need to be wrapped and she "instructed" me that it was too cold out for them and that if I didn't behave she's switch the red roses for pink.
If it wasn't for the now apparently growing age difference I would be pretty inclined to ask her out. The gap is very likely in the neighbourhood of 20 years if not more. I do think we would be fairly compatible and it would certainly be a situation which would be of benefit to us both. From a practical point of view she and her son would certainly be much better off. I have made some efforts in the past to search out information on her to identify her age but haven't been successful. I "could" ask her I suppose. I actually know when her birthday is but not the year.
At the grocery store I made a point of going through the line of the cashier who had asked me previously if I was single. She seemed startled that I was chatty and that I complimented her recently dyed hair.
I'm looking forward to my lunch date with CL on Tuesday. I'm thinking hard about asking for a good-bye smooch this time. We're meeting at a "family" type restaurant more or less mid-way between our offices. I think her world is getting more stable. I'm going to suggest that we talk about some way to get together regularly.
Rather "whooped" today. I got the last bit of the monthly cleaning done yesterday. It's been a while since I scrubbed the floors so did that. Which means not just mopping but also giving them a thorough wipe down with a rag after which takes a fair bit of effort but gives a good result. With consultation with S24 I also re-arranged the kitchen. I did ask him about a mixer that his mother had gotten from her mother that she was ever so insistent on having. I don't believe it ever got used and had been covered by grime after being stored forever. I'd pulled it out to have something on one of the empty shelves in the kitchen that used to have piles of clipped out magazine articles / recipes. She had taken the mixing paddles for it at some point in one of her last "shopping trips" through the house but not the mixer. I suggested to S24 yesterday that he ask her if she wants it and got a blank look in return. I do honestly have no idea of what sort of relationship he has with his mother.
I also, I think got my wool pants which I accidentally shrunk stretched out. I let them soak in warm water then put them on wet (less uncomfortable than you might imagine) and bent and stretched to stretch out the waist and rear. I was pleased to notice that I can now touch my toes without effort. I stretched the legs out by hand as well. I hung them on the line in the laundry room to air-dry. Fingers crossed.
FSL was surprised that I have an indoor clothes line (I actually have 2) but laughed and agreed that I was "cheap" and have them in part for that reason.
Part of today's plan is to do another purge. This time going again through the junk drawers. There are souveniers, pins, kids stuff etc that I have no need of. This house used to be so very cluttered but is now rather empty. I have an astounding amount of now unused storage. I'm sure someone coming in would suggest getting rid of the empty dressers and wardrobe etc. I could probably live in about 1/3 of the house. S24 rarely move outside his room. But that implies that the life I have now is the one that I will have going forward. That's not my intended destination.
Well - time for me to get dressed and head in to "town" to attend the Remembrance Day ceremony at the cenotaph. In past years I was worried about encountering my ex there as she used to be part of the parade with the Girl Guides. I think she dropped that at the same time as she dropped me and am 95% sure she's not involved. If she were, S24 wouldn't be having me get him cookies from WL. I did remind D26 to wear her poppy today which being in the US is not common at all.
Will my ex be at the cenotaph? There's no reason for her not to be but she'll know that I definitely will be there.
I have some emails to write this afternoon as well. I'd gotten some "how are you doing" notes from my former "work daughter" and from an old friend last week that deserve some attention in the replies. I might also get the bird feeder I started done. I saw one at the hardware store yesterday almost identical to the one I'm building and got some ideas on the bits I was stuck on.
I'm looking forward to my lunch date with CL on Tuesday. I'm thinking hard about asking for a good-bye smooch this time. We're meeting at a "family" type restaurant more or less mid-way between our offices. I think her world is getting more stable. I'm going to suggest that we talk about some way to get together regularly
I think all of this is a great idea Andrew! Well just about all. I would not ask for a kiss but rather just kiss her. I cannot tell you how many times I've read this advice. Weak, beta guys ask "can I kiss you" while real catches, alpha guys just do it.
I think however it's beyond time and I have to be honest with you. After, what now, near a half dozen "dates" there have been no kisses, no hand holding, no cuddling and certainly no sex. That is not at all typical of a half dozen true dates. Sure it could be excused that she's still married, not sure, etc., but then those excuses hold just as true that these are not and have not been dates. Perhaps they have - or in CLs mind they very well could have just been lunch with her favorite uncle and nothing more.
It's pointless to mind read or guess or hope or fantasize. At this point I really think it's in your best interest to find out. Put your cards on the table. If she will not kiss you at this point, the two,of you are not dating. And if that is the case, hard as it might be to take, you are much better off knowing that. It will also free you to move onto someone who really does want to date you. Continuing as you are is not the best course. Others have said the same and deep down I think you know it.
So, YES, by all means, it's time to kiss her and find out how and when the two of you can go on a real date - not just have lunch.
Don - I didn't know whether to be amused or offended so have decided to go with both.
I probably have enough grey back hair to qualify as a silver-back in any plains ape tribe you care to mention. This alpha-male / beta-male nonsense is just a throw-back to a time when people were not respected. I've seen it tossed around here quite a bit and generally avoid those threads.
I recall back in the 80s when a good friend of mine suggested that I force myself on my girlfriend because that way she'd know who was in charge and that she quite probably would like it. We parted ways amicably a few years later with her still being a virgin. "Just do it" - where does that stop? A kiss? Grabbing her butt? Remarking that she has a nice set of knockers and grabbing those?
I think not.
I've read a bunch of things about this whole alpha male attitude on sites that I discover are "how to get laid by hot chicks without commitments". Now, I'm all in favour of getting laid by a hot chick. But one who is consenting, informed and willing and for whom I have deep feelings and am willing to be committed to.
I'm going off now to pose majestically in silhouette against the jungle night sky.
Oh Andrew, in I don't want to speak for Don but I don't think in anyway he was saying force yourself upon her! Or to be some sort of alpha male. I do think the woman still waits for the guy to kiss her. And if you do kiss her, I don't think that would be forcing yourself upon her at all. If she pull away and says she isn't comfortable and you keep going, yeah then it would be.
If you are more comfortable, I would say "I would like to give you a kiss goodbye, may I?" that would be very appropriate. But I do agree that this really should be done. It would do you very well to know if this romantic or platonic. Then more forward from there. I have told you from my woman view, it seems like it is platonic in her eyes, which could be for a number of reasons, but you should know one way or another so you can nurture your relationship in the correct, not assumed direction, and be free to nurture other potential relationships where they see Andrew as romantic partner and can't wait to smooch you! I am not saying it's about the physical, but there is a beautiful part of an emotional connection with non-sexual physical touch I think you would really like.
Don´t want to agitate the waters here but I ´d ask FSL out...
I know, I know...
so?
Oh Andrew, in I don't want to speak for Don but I don't think in anyway he was saying force yourself upon her! Or to be some sort of alpha male. I do think the woman still waits for the guy to kiss her. And if you do kiss her, I don't think that would be forcing yourself upon her at all. If she pull away and says she isn't comfortable and you keep going, yeah then it would be.
Thank you Ginger, and let me be perfectly clear Andrew, I was in no way suggesting that you force yourself on her. I also don't subscribe to the alpha behavior stuff either. Perhaps that was not even the best example as I've heard and read WOMEM saying the exact same thing - don't ask for the kiss, just do it! Take from it what you will, but I was in no way trying to offend - nor amuse - you.
I do find it very interesting that you chose to focus only on the alpha comment while completely ignoring my larger suggestion that you follow through with exactly what you state you have been considering. Fine, ask her first or do it like Ginger suggests. That's fine - just follow through with it as continuing to not know, guess and hope is not in your best interest. There is absolutely no reason not to ask about more serious dating at this point or to ask to kiss her. The only reason not to is if you Think she does not want that, she has good you so, or you really don't want to know. I'll be honest, I fear she sees you 100% as a platonic friend with the uncle comment somewhat sealing that conclusion. However, I'm not there. I'm not seeing and expierencing her in person - you are! We can only go by what you tell us. We can only guess and mind read so the only way for anyone, including yourself, to know is to ask and talk about it. At least you will know. If she's not interested in more than friendship that will stink and will hurt, but at least you'll have an answer and the ability to date someone else. That's good too! It frees you to ask out one of these other women or someone you have not even met yet but will.
I hope that clarifies what I was getting at - as Ginger tried to do as well. Hopefully we can now focus on the bigger picture rather than attack one small element while avoiding the main focus.
Andrew, trust your instinct..
Talk to her about it.
One thing i did learn in my story is SUPPORT IS GREAT but when too many people get involved, it can create chaos.
Share with us your thoughts and feeling , your journey but the details of your relationship with CL are between you and her. We can not know 100% what it is she wants ..
Discover HER, communicate with her, build a strong friendship or a romance but to do so, you need her input..
Best of luck ((( Andrew)))
Xox
Ps.. you are a genuine man!! I wish their were more like you around here!!
Ps.. you are a genuine man!!
Okay, that's a bit much. First, I think he's genuine because he's Canadian, not because he's innately genuine. Second, I think Canadians are just squatters on U.S. territory. I mean really, they're kinda-sorta illegal aliens that have setup a rogue makeshift government. The reason we've allowed them to stay is because it's just too d@mn cold up there.
Then, there's the real issue that's been looming and everyone seems to be ignoring it and hoping it'll go away: what the h3ll is the Turkish taco woman's first name? Have you noticed that Andrew hasn't provided any hints?
He's using the other women as a distraction. He's crafty, that's for sure.
Ps.. you are a genuine man!!
Awwe - thanks exquisite.
I think Canadians are just squatters on U.S. territory.
Er - well - you personally might argue that you live on territory bought from the Spanish but that was done before a certain episode of tea abuse. I bet you can't even manage the first 2 verses of God Save the Queen. Although I do just mumble through much of it myself. And of course despite the number of different ways that it's served, I despair of finding a decent cup of tea anywhere near to or south of the Mason-Dixon.
Then, there's the real issue that's been looming and everyone seems to be ignoring it and hoping it'll go away: what the h3ll is the Turkish taco woman's first name? Have you noticed that Andrew hasn't provided any hints?
Frustrating isn't it.
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So - there is perhaps an expectation of a date report.
It went well. No smooch. The target shifted at the last moment and she looked like that was very on purpose. I thought about making a second attempt but didn't. We visited for a bit over 2 hours which is a slight problem but at the plant I'm at today I only had to explain to the person at the main desk who was all in favour of my reason for a long lunch. We left only when she realized that she had to get one of her kids to an appointment otherwise I might have had a very awkward afternoon return. I had my phone in my pocket so had no idea what the time was but was getting antsy towards the end. Fortunately I didn't miss anything at the office of importance and can easily make up the time - even the time to write this post.
I do think we are generally quite compatible. Her own legal issues appear to be sorting themselves out and she is a lot calmer about it all now. We did talk a bit about ex-partners and the process of getting rid of them but that was a minor part of the conversation (thank heavens). She was very interested when I talked about how my settlement was negotiated and structured. Her's will be very different.
I like the fact that she is un-apologetically herself. I think that there are a number of things about me that she feels could do with "improving" but beyond telling me that for example she thinks that my preference to have a clean counter at the end of the day is silly to her and that I'm perhaps turning S24 into a giant man-baby, she seems to not care. Her disapproval doesn't really matter a lot to me either. It makes for entertaining banter. She does actually listen when I disagree with her even if she doesn't agree with what I say. And a number of the things she brings up she's absolutely right about - but they don't matter enough to me for me to change.
On key thing popped out as I was walking her to her car that supports my prior thinking about what her understanding of our situation is. She mentioned that she had been thinking of asking me out to the Remembrance Day ceremony at her church but that her son said that I specifically was not allowed to go. She remarked that she told him that he was going to have to deal with that eventually.
This removes a fair bit of tar from the "OM" brush I worry about. If she's open to involving me in her friends, acquaintances and faith community etc and if her son is annoyed that I exist it means that she has more solid plans than just a quaint uncle. And yes - I consider her son being annoyed as a positive - one that I need to accept and that she will need to navigate. Over time. This all will take time. It will likely be quite a while before I even meet the guy - as it should be.
Not sure when I'll see her next. I'll probably suggest after work on Friday again. I believe she's planning on spending much of December in Florida - so keep an eye out for her please Doodler and say "hi". She's got a three legged dog and her name is nothing at all like the Taco lady's. You should be able to spot her fairly easily.
I bet you can't even manage the first 2 verses of God Save the Queen.
I can't even manage the first two words. But, I do have a British neighbor and I went to his Guy Fawkes party a couple weekends ago. Does that count?
Frustrating isn't it.
Yep, frustrating. I feel like I'm married again.
I believe she's planning on spending much of December in Florida - so keep an eye out for her please Doodler and say "hi". She's got a three legged dog and her name is nothing at all like the Taco lady's.
Awww sh*t! Do I have to guess her name too? I'm grasping at straws; I need a hint.
Awww sh*t! Do I have to guess her name too? I'm grasping at straws; I need a hint.
How about this - the dog's name is Fezzik and he's a "he" not a she.
I never promised
useful hints. In fact I've never promised hints of any sort. Your move.
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A couple of more things that I want to think about.
I'm pretty sure that over-all my status with CL hasn't changed and that I'm still more or less "on the shelf". Freshly dusted but on the shelf.
In some ways it's very like my situation 2 years ago but without the expectations or angst. That was when I was hoping that my ex's affair was over and that she'd want to come home. She did do an "anchor check" on me which reassured her that I was still right where she left me and then went back chasing after OM. Finally reconnecting with him just after January which is when I threw in the towel.
As an aside my thoughts about my ex at the time (and now) were "who'd want her". Cruel perhaps but an aging overweight woman with some health problems, a tendency to complain a lot, be controlling, a nasty temper and no interest in sex is probably not most people's first pick. Her being stuck in her flat above the liquor store both surprises and doesn't presuming that she's still there. I have no reason to believe otherwise.
CL was very surprised that I have pretty much zero insight into my ex's life and status. She gets an ear-full from her kids it seems and since her STBX is behaving like a jerk towards them, she's pretty much OK with that. My kids have strong boundaries and know that hearing about their mother is painful to me so they block all that out.
CL certainly has her share of flaws but even beyond her good looks is quite the catch. I do believe that having me on her "shelf" that she's not looking around. I do find it frustrating as everyone knows. I do see it ending as well but not when. The how would be an increase in dating and spending time together or with a friendly parting of ways continuing to stay in touch from time to time. Will someone else cross her path who would be a better match? I have no clue - I'm sure that such a person exists. And that doesn't concern me at all. I do suspect that she does worry that I have other options. In my posting on social media I joke about my lack of a partner and how I haven't embarked on online dating - perhaps that helped push her to pull out the dusting rag. I'm not changing my attitude though. I have no duty or commitment towards her or visa versa. That would only happen if
she takes the steps towards being more serious which she's not ready for.
I do think that the lack of muchas smoochas and "getting serious" is very much an ethical thing for her because she is still legally married. While it is an issue - otherwise why would I talk about it all the time here - it's not one that realistically is worth bringing up with her at this point I believe. She knows I am interested. She knows that I respect her, her beliefs, and her body and personal space.
I do think that part of it, especially from things she's mentioned from her upbringing, is that she doesn't want to be perceived as "wanton" in any way. There was a big focus when she was young on "proper" behaviour and dress and she jokes that she was a rebel because she died her hair.
She also mentioned that her STBX was "very" focused on appearances and people's perceptions. We were talking about a recent story where a bride blew up her wedding dress with high explosives (it was in Texas) and she looked horrified as she loved her dress which she still has. But she also mentioned that her H had insisted on knowing in advance what it looked like and was very upset that it wasn't "appropriate". Not a good start to a marriage. I see it affecting her in lots of ways, always making things tidy around her etc. She has told me that she and the kids were constantly judged and chastised for being less than perfect. She's rebelling against that now. I do sometimes worry that she'll take it a bit too far. The kids and her commitment to them, despite her griping about it, does serve to anchor her somewhat. They are absolutely her top priority.
----------------
One other thing. When I got home yesterday, slightly later than usual having put in some extra hours at the plant, S24 and I exchanged the "how was your day". I mentioned that I had had a nice lunch date with CL and he acted very startled and slightly upset. He then left the kitchen for a couple of minutes and then came back and resumed making his dinner a bit more subdued.
I do worry that something's "up". It is certainly the time of year for lost lambs to go "baaa" or whatever gastric sounds they make. S24 knows that CL is sort of an on/off/wtf situation for me. I'm pretty sure that I would politely close the door to my ex if she would knock on it. I have had a lot of weak moments lately though. A number of friends have smacked me down about even thinking about it.
With that said, today I need to send off her monthly payment. The 13th. 13 is a significant number in my former marriage. It came in to play in a "lot" of ways - seemingly popping up all over. While "I" don't believe in such nonsense my gut has other opinions. I had been tempted to suggest to my ex that given the current postal strike that if she had anything she wanted me to take down to D26 at the end of the month to just pass it over. I'm writing this here to make sure that I don't open that window of the lighthouse. Unkind of me perhaps. This is absolutely the sort of thing I would do for a neighbour but it is best to continue to act as if she doesn't exist.
Breakfast potato pancakes finished. Time to top up my tea pot and head upstairs to the home office. There's a pretty layer of snow over everything right now.
I never promised useful hints. In fact I've never promised hints of any sort. Your move.
Hot d@mn! That was a preemptive strike. Luckily, I'd already considered some three legged dog names: Tripod, Stump, Trey, and Skippie. All were wrong, but my next guess was going to be Fezzik.
And, for the Turkish taco woman: Mary, Diana, Sarah, and Zoe.
All were wrong, but my next guess was going to be Fezzik.
And, for the Turkish taco woman: Mary, Diana, Sarah, and Zoe.
Well done! Tests are so much easier when the answers are given in advance aren't they. When I took my small boat handling course a few years ago there was one question that the instructor did that for. I did manage to get the rest right on my own.
Since I seem to be being generous with the hints, none of the names you picked for the Turkish taco woman are right.
Busy weekend planned here once I get my cat Amy off of my arm. Ok - she's ticked at me right now since I moved the arm to pour another cup of tea and has left to go beat up her sister.
CL is busy all weekend herself with visiting family and church and church events. The communication pattern continues. She does respond when I send her a message but doesn't initiate. A weird difference to when we are together when she drives most of the conversation and we talk and talk and talk. I did notice an upswing in social media posting. Mostly sassy and warm family stuff with a bit of anger mixed in. We had talked about smart fridges at our last date and I read up on them and posted something on Facebook about it and that "a friend" had been keen on them. She joined in the discussion but did not identify herself as the "friend". I'm not planning on reaching out to her this weekend.
Looking back she never has been very active on social media until she booted her STBX out. And then, like many of us, uses it as a way to reach out for contact and validation. I know myself to be pretty "noisy" especially when "the lonely" hits. She's not nearly as active as I am.
As I've mentioned ad nauseum, things with her are undoubtedly stalled which is perhaps good for all involved. I'm getting perspective, she and her kids are getting used to the idea (I think). S24 is bothered I think a bit and in part probably because he can see this affecting his rather comfortable living situation. D26 I think is slightly weirded out about it but generally doesn't care. I am assuming at this point that I will be on the shelf until the divorce papers are at least served unless I show signs of wandering off. For those of you who are keen, it reminds me a bit of the Dudley Do Right episode - The Centaur. I might wander away from camp aimlessly. I'll wait while you google and watch. She is perhaps on a watch for another women dressed in half a horse-suit.
I'm going to pop up and visit SIL1 and my oldest brother early this afternoon for a cup of tea along with my usual running around and errands. I had a nice call with D26 yesterday morning and plans are firming up around my visit on Dec 1/2. I have most of their gifts purchased although one is stuck in the mail currently due to the postal strike. According to the tracking it has went from Detroit to outside Chicago - the wrong direction - and has been sitting for a week.
Along with the usual I plan to stop off at the local cidery and pick up some cider for myself and for the gift basket that I'm putting together for D26 and her H. Hopefully no ghosts break the bottles in the cellar this time.
Part of what will keep me busy for this weekend is preparing for a job interview on Wednesday morning. It is with a governmental agency local to me and is outside my usual domain of warehousing / distribution / manufacturing. It is also more a front line support role it seems than strategic. The money is a bit lower than what I get now and there are some questions I have on the possible risks involved given changes in government funding and policies. I need to do a 15 minute power point on 5 topics which should only be a problem in keeping it to 15 minutes. The pension is a government defined benefits plan. I've read through the last few years of annual reports and from having sat on other boards there are a number of red flags I see. We'll see though. I'm pretty nervous but know that I am probably a leading candidate both because of my experience and because I'm local.
It was a bit weird because I received the invitation to interview just minutes before my boss tracked me down to deliver my 15 year long service award. Ironic. I get to pick a gift out of a catalogue and as a joke when I messaged CL about the interview and award I sent her a shot of the catalogue asking her what she wanted for Christmas. There's a nice mantel clock that I've selected for myself that would hopefully arrive prior to any need for a letter of resignation.
One of the reasons I came here this morning is to write about something that I've been struggling with for the last few weeks. I feel a lot of nostalgia for "what was". Generally I was quite content in my marriage and I like to think that my ex was as well. It was "comfortable" - even if there were certainly in hind-sight and perhaps history re-writing some unhealthy dynamics. I find myself going back through the Facebook "memories" and remembering good times. Some time ago I scrubbed my feed of "us" pictures and events but there is only so much that can be done and there will always be traces. I was indeed deeply in love for all those years. I know this. Was she? I think so.
In the next while - perhaps today - I'm going to be starting to put up Christmas decorations and such. One of my favourite times of the year. I purged many of the "us" decorations passing them over to my ex. No clue if she uses them or not. My expectation is that many of the things she took / that I packed up are still in the original boxes. That was her style of house-keeping. There are some that I kept because I liked them. I've not added to the set to any appreciable amount as I am the sort that will only bring something I love into the house. I'll also be sending out my Christmas cards in a couple of weeks too. From Andrew P and his cats and probably S24. That used to be my task when married. Not because I was more into it, but because that way it got done. My ex had a lot of good intentions that never got fulfilled. Where it frustrated me too much I would just deal with things. Since I'm a pretty easy-going guy I just lived with the fact that promises of adventures or nice meals etc wouldn't happen. Her dreams and her reality never completely overlapped.
If I had someone actively in my life right now I probably wouldn't have the space for this nostalgia nor the deep ache that it give me - but that's part of the healing too.
Off I go!
Just rambling on a Sunday and in no particular order or structure. There's a 50/50 chance that I will just close this window without posting. Let's see which side the coin falls on. Advance apologies to anyone who chooses to tackle this mess of word salad.
Another tough Sunday. Just back from lunch at the cafe around the corner when this posting started to form. Some time after that now. I feel like baking something but am not sure what. Steaks and S24 has said that he will be making the potato wedges he does well for dinner. I'll probably make biscuits but that doesn't really count as "baking".
I didn't bother eating dinner last night. I had my lunch-time scone and another treat from the cafe at about 5:00 though. I've not gone for my usual walk today either. Blargh. Watched a movie last night and drank too much beer on an empty stomach. But my counter was clean(ish) when I went to bed. S24 was in the midst of making his dinner then.
I'm taking a break from working on the presentation for my interview on Wednesday. The more I dig into it the more questions I have about the organization and some of the ways that things are being done there. It should be an interesting event. The interview is scheduled to take an hour with 15 minutes for the presentation. It's going to be tough to keep it to that amount of time given the topics to be covered. I laugh sometimes thinking back to writing assignments when I was in school and at how hard it was to fill that double-spaced sheet of paper. Now after a few hundred words I'm usually just getting warmed up.
Been listening to a lot of Christmas music for the last 2 days. It's nice to be in to that swing, but it also adds to the nostalgia. I put up a wreath yesterday and might pull out some decorations today. I won't put the tree up until probably the 8th or maybe even later. I switched to a real tree last year which previously I wasn't "allowed". My decorations are pretty sparse for the tree itself. I'm taking my time adding to them. I don't even have lights for the tree. Maybe I'll do that this year. My projector works well from inside the house making it look like I have very fancy lights when in fact it's essentially someone else's lights on a video loop.
I keep wanting to reach out. To my ex - which is a hugely bad idea but one that I can easily justify by lots of poor "logic". To CL who is busy and would undoubtedly be annoyed at her phone going "bing" from a man who isn't her husband while she's busy with church events. And yes - that OM brush is still there in my mind. To FSL - who was very very sweet yesterday "instructing" me that I was getting yellow roses yesterday because A - I was late, B - they have a nice scent and C - they are her favourite. They do look lovely and are a nice change. FSL mentioned that she had been chatting with SIL2's mother who was in the shop a few days previously. I do get the feeling that she likes my extended family. She was very pretty to me yesterday and I looked closely at her which was enjoyable and easy and I do think that she's perhaps in her high 30s at least. If I knew that would be a very helpful thing in my decision making. My googling hasn't been successful despite knowing for example the elementary school she attended (came up in conversation one day). I'd ask doodler for help but he's on a different mission at present.
I really could use someone to talk to about this interview coming up and a bunch of other things - but the available people are cats - and of course - this white box. S24 listens politely but has no input. I am grateful for the friend who was able to chat on Friday night - it was good to "talk" to someone who understands what I'm going through (waves).
I did have a nice visit yesterday with my oldest brother. His wife SIL1 - who said that she would see me there is out of the country. That made things a bit amusing. He was working on his continuous renovations to his barn but took a break to chat. I also did some extra running around going to the local cidery and picking up about 8 bottles total. 2 or 3 for D26's gift basket and the rest for here. Hopefully the ghost won't break any this time.
SIL1 did say that she feels that my ex has really pulled the hole in after herself in recent times. Other friends have suggested that she undoubtedly has come to a realization of the scope of what she has done to me, her family and of course to herself. What is the reality of this? I have no clue and TBH - don't worry too deeply about it despite the amount that I write about it. The past is what it is. Her actions were what they were. My actions and reactions where what they are as well. I have no shame about anything that I have done pre-bomb day or post.
Do I have regrets? H3ll yeah. If I had done anything differently would the outcome have been different? I doubt it. She was pretty firmly set on her path. Perhaps if I had stopped being her Plan B before she got the nerve to move out, she might have lost that nerve all together, but that wasn't the guy I was and am. Someone who believes in people. Who believes in second chances. Which is where I am still vulnerable to her perhaps. Not nearly as vulnerable as I would have been 2 years ago when I would have welcomed her back with open arms and no questions. Pointless to speculate though.
Following along with Westo's story it does show one path for a return. It was slow and full of false starts. Different dynamics there undoubtedly. But my ex has shown no sign of regrets. She also has a firmly held belief that once I set my mind on something that there is no turning me. This despite the evidence to the contrary where she was able to get her own way and steam-roller over me at will.
Going through the papers on my desk reminds me of one of the "flags" I look for in other people now. Their contributions to charities. I recall the Turkish Taco woman being quite shocked at the scope of charitable donations (and formerly volunteering) that I do. She didn't do any and was amused by the fact that I offered to pass over the receipts to a US based charity that I couldn't claim on my taxes (these are some quality hints here doodler!). This year I've added two new charities. There's one that I supported last year that I'm dropping. The hospital where my my ex-inlaws where when they passed. But I added my local hospital foundation last year so am still in that sphere.
I'm fortunate that I am in a position to be modestly generous. I have no idea if FSL does any volunteering - perhaps not being a single mom to her S6 but CL certainly is active, mostly through her church. I do think that anyone that I am involved with does need to be charitable in a practical sense. My ex volunteered with Girl Guides for many years and it became part of her identity. She even has Girl Guide custom plates on her car - but left the organization in a ball of flame simultaneously with leaving me. She also used to do the door-to-door canvasing for at least a couple of national charities. I know the year after she left her "package" was left here for her and I broke no-contact to let her know. No clue if she is still involved. Those organizations go to a lot of lengths to keep the volunteers that they have.
If my employment situation changes and I have more time on my hands I'll probably get back in to active volunteering again. The local Credit Union staff have been after me for some time to sit on their board of directors and I may look at that too. There's a local charity involved in environmental issues that I used to sit on the Board for and volunteer with that would be delighted to have me back I'm sure. The friend I was chatting with on Friday assured me that women find men who volunteer sexy. Not sure how helpful that is as in my experience, many of the women involved in charities tend to be elderly and are doing it to escape their retired husband at home
I had a laugh the other day when "20 something" tagged me in a link to the singles night at the local pub in my village. The owner of the pub was widowed about a year ago - not sure if this is her way of meeting the local singles. I have a good excuse to not attend as I'll be visiting D26 that day.
I'm now down to one slide to finish which isn't a big one. Once I finish the slide deck then I need to write the associated commentary. I think that the organization I'm interviewing with will completely understand the effort required to put something like this together well as they provide and advocate for training of municipal utilities. For most training programs I suggest that it takes roughly twice the time to prepare as it does to present. I think I'm more than a bit over that on this one but have been easily distracted by this white box and lots of other things.
S24 did wander by but felt that his input on to the quality of my slide deck wasn't all that helpful since he says that he has never seen a business presentation before. He did think that the layout was visually appealing which is in my opinion a necessary thing for a presentation.
Well - I did first decide to make banana loaf which - yes - is one of the things that my ex would make all the time. But the shop across the street didn't have any bananas so I'm making a loaf of beer bread instead.
Beer bread is in the oven. Since I seem to be having a tendency to consult multiple recipies and then going with a variation of the consensus it's
- 3 cups self-rising flour (all I had left)
- 2 tbsp sugar
- 1/4 cup melted butter
- 1 bottle beer (Molson Canadian - used local craft beer last time)
After reading the ingredients again, it said to pour the melted butter on top and so since I'd already mixed it into the batter I put 3 pats of butter on top. The last time I made this it was fairly dry - this should be much moister.
And yes - as the reader might have guessed, this post has been rambled over for pretty much the whole afternoon. Bread should be ready in about an hour.
As you can tell - I've chosen to hit the Post button. My work clothes are just about done in the wash and that means ironing time. Live is indeed good. As a very dear friend often says to me despite me being agnostic God has been kind to me. I have a many good friends, good health, am able to be generous to others, a roof over my head and a family who loves me. All that's missing is passion.
A bien tôt mes amis.
Well, that was a long one, but interesting from the standpoint that it gave some insight into you. Yellow roses are my absolute most favorite flower on the planet. They remind me of my grandmother. They will absolutely be included in my bouquet if/when Sparky and I do get married so that I can carry a piece of my grandma with me.
As far as CL, I hope it doesn't sound harsh when I say this, because I like you and actually think we would be friends IRL, but you keep mentioning the "OM brush"....honey, when push comes to shove you ARE the other man. Maybe I'm a bit more hard nosed on that than some others would be but the lady is still married, so you or any other man she dates is the OM. I get that she's separated and in that separation she is finished with her XH and I also fully realize that separated people date all the time, but until the divorce is final, she is still married and anyone else who comes into her life is the OM. I know I see this differently than probably 99.9% of other people on this planet and my XH was quick to point that out to me when I found out about his "new" gf at the time, but regardless of whether her marriage is over or not, legally she IS still married. I'm not trying to bust your chops....just giving you another perspective on the deal.
Love your beer bread recipe. I use that same one and yes, putting butter on top helps moisten it up a bit. It is a fairly dry bread anyway, but the butter on top helps. It is excellent with chili and a variety of soups and freezes really well. It is great with a variety of beers light or dark. Dark beers give it a yeastier flavor. On a side note about beer, I LOVE Molson Canadian. In the time I spent in Canada in another lifetime, I developed a taste for it and I hate that I can't get it here. It is good stuff.
Oh and I got a chuckle out of your paragraph on the interview. When you talked about when you were younger and it was so hard to fill up the pages of a paper. That has NEVER been a problem for me. I really like to write and kinda subscribe to that theory that why should I write it in one word when I can use a whole paragraph to do it? LOL I would have the same issue with a 15 minute presentation......I would have to work really hard to get it DOWN to 15 minutes. I interviewed for a job a few years ago that had a similar set up and I had to practice for WEEKS to keep my presentation under the 15 minute mark. Public speaking is my thing, so I get carried away if I don't hold on. LOL
Anyway, I enjoy reading your posts, regardless of length. I really do think we would be great friends IRL.
I really do think we would be great friends IRL.
Me too. There's not many women who I can have a conversation about compost with
And I fully get your OM comments and appreciate them. If I didn't want other points of view I wouldn't be here and would be keeping my "diary" in a locked box in my cellar.
I think for me the key metric for whether you are an OM/OW is secrecy. One of the things that frustrated the heck out of me with my ex was the fact that despite her chasing off with her own OM was the fact that she refused to acknowledge the relationship beyond admitting to it when I found out and then rubbing my face in it during the horror of in-house separation while she was "deciding". I'm sure she had her own reasons - the main one of not being judged I am sure. My own view was that if this guy was worth blowing up your family and marriage for that he'd better be someone who you are proud to introduce your children to and explain the circumstances. 3+ years out now and he's still a pretty closely held secret. Which must have been quite the surprise at her parents' funeral (she lost them both within days) when he was listed as her spouse and (presumably) was there with her during the services. She's been tagged in his circle of friends and the kids have been introduced but I expect most people don't know that she's seeing someone.
Yes, I know that for a number of us that our former partners run off immediately with their Twu Wuvs shouting out to the world that they've found their soul mate. To me, that's a very different thing. I recall my ex telling me (with disgust) about the affairs that her sister and brother had and how they felt so "alive" because of the thrill of the secrecy. The ones who "run off" are being presumably faithful to their new partner and just have an abbreviated timeline between them.
The perceived reluctance to be public about me that I saw with CL related in part to her "uncle" comments a while ago was a huge waving red flag for me. Don't be involved in someone who isn't proud to be around you. I can see that at the beginning of a relationship that you may not want to be publicly bonded to the other person. I can also very much see the point of view that she is legally married and a member of a very conservative faith group that undoubtedly has people in it who have "views" on such things.
She seems comfortable with everyone in my circle knowing about her though. I dunno - if I understood women I'd probably be one
Since I respect her I've not pushed too hard but I do hope that she knows that the clock is ticking.
I think my original plan of this thread lasting until the new year is probably toast so trivial update time.
I'd sent a message to CL yesterday afternoon asking if she were available for a date this week and also suggesting that when she's in my geography on Saturday that she consider stopping with the kids at the cafe in my village.
She mis-interpreted my message as me wanting to have lunch with her and her kids and said that time would be tight and she'd see and congratulated me on my courage as she expects her kids to be quite judgmental.
Very careful back-peddling on my part to let her know that I was no where courageous enough as of yet to subject myself to the scrutiny of her teens which was accepted undoubtedly with some relief on both sides
She didn't address the question of a date but I think this week is out. Saturday I know is a bust and expect Sunday too as I am sure her congregation is ramping up for Christmas. I did suggest next Wednesday as I'm on vacation and will probably remind her of that early next week.
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I'm continuing to waffle about contacting my ex and suggesting that I could deliver Christmas presents to D26 for her. If as many including myself suspect she's plugged in to my activities including perhaps reading along here (waves using minimal fingers) then she knows my plans. Offering would be the decent thing to do, but so would be helping the person who runs over your dog fix their bumper. If she asks I won't say no. I don't expect her to ask.
Sad - because today's news flow has essentially indicated that as far as sending anything by post for Christmas, that's cancelled. I'll hand-deliver what cards I can but need to decide whether to send others out through the post. I do have a gift for my son-in-law that's been stuck at the border to come to me for well over a week now. It may become his birthday present for March.
Has anyone got that number of that flying reindeer with the nose thingy? Is it willing to cross picket lines?
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Earlier I read back in my threads like I do sometimes. This time to the past 2 Christmases. This will be my 3rd as a single man, first one as a legally single one. I almost wish I could reach back to that man and offer some cheer and hope. Yes - life right now has a certain "blargh" element to it and it isn't the life I expected but I'm generally doing fine. And who knows - maybe this year on New Year's Eve I might get kissed by someone other than a very reluctant cat. A guy can hope can't he?
Back when i was going through the divorce process, i remember thinking how i could not wait to be at the point when all i had to post about was potential dates. Blargh is a great place to be, comparatively speaking of course.
I think if you want that New Years Eve Kiss, you might have to take some risks. Be more of the aggressor. Make the move. Plenty of women seem to be indicating their interest. Women get attracted knowing they are attractive. It is a turn on, when a guy a woman likes initiates !
Andrew,
Do you know what I've been thinking about? I've been thinking about the Turkish taco woman, of course. But it's not what you think. I wasn't thinking about her name. (That's just silly nonsense. Well, not really...) I haven't had lunch and Thanksgiving is almost here, so my thoughts were meandering toward things related to food. It was inevitable that Turkish tacos would come to mind, no? I thought, wouldn't it be cool to have a turkey taco? You know, a taco shell stuffed with turkey, and maybe mash potatoes and stuffing with some gravy on top. Maybe it's disgusting; I don't really know because right now I'm starving and it sounds really good. You may have inadvertently started an entirely new food trend, Mexican-Thanksgiving fusion. It's probably something the earliest migrants settlers would've eaten.
The interview went well. The CEO and I connected quite well and the interview ran slightly over-time.
Not sure I want the role and am currently crowd-sourcing my opinion as I'm torn. They're in a tough place with the incumbent moving to New Zealand shortly (waves to LouR) and are making a decision Friday.
CL's opinion is to push for a larger offer than the top of the range. She and I have different priorities where I look more for satisfaction - given the money being OK. It's funny she's not all that materialistic although she does like and appreciate nice things. Is this a byproduct of being in a marriage where she was "measured" against some standard of perfection and always came up short - according to her narrative? She has mentioned some very hurtful things people have said to her - usually when she is proud of something and then gets cut down. A song I've heard in my own house. She also seems to look for simplistic answers to complex questions which is very different from my own approach and has made me re-think things more than once. The simplest answer is quite often the correct one.
A couple of other friends have been non-committal.
My impression is that it's a junior role that they have a good sized bucket of money for and want a senior person who will look good presenting to the board but do mostly more junior / support type work
Advantages:
- Much shorter commute
- better pension
- branching into new technology areas, learn new stuff
- new "domain" - outside of manufacturing / distribution
Cons
- Slightly less money - I'm in Sunshine list territory now and that's a big thing in Government roles to keep those lists small
- branches into areas of business that haven't been my core competencies / focus for 36 years of career.
- the new tech stuff isn't all that useful in other roles - generally junior or outsourced in most places
Unknowns
- longevity of role given government whims - CEO says to not worry
- career path isn't there
I had a laugh because it was mentioned about so many government people retiring at 55. 4 months away for me.
I don't even know if they'll make an offer. I have reached out to people for references which I need to try to send back to them today. There is probably a thin pool of candidates for them and I know that I am well over-qualified for the business and process part although under-qualified for the technical stuff most of which is junior (yes - a contradiction)
It really boils down to me to "would I be happy there". I don't know the answer to that. I range from "interested" mostly in "meh" and occasionally royally ticked off in my current role.
Think think think think.
Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.
I drove by my ex's apartment this morning - yeah yeah yeah - I know - and she was there. She does work in the liquor / grocery store downstairs and it was slightly after she would normally start but there was snow on her car and today would normally be her day off. I think it's a reasonable assumption that she's still living there at least most of the time.
We used to have a tradition that she and I would go down to see D26 and her H for American Thanksgiving each year. Do some shopping and such as well. Those trips were so very much fun.
The first year after she left, I deliberately chose to not go so as to give her and OM a chance to have that day / announce their twu wuvs etc etc. She didn't go and OM was kept secret until she was outed by others the following spring. Last year, again I wanted to give her that opportunity. My approach with D26 now though, having been a young married person, is to let her have the "holidays" with her and her H as a "them" time. At Christmas I call her and we open presents together via Skype. I remember as a young family carting from side to side trying to remember whose "turn" it was. My ex's family was particularly onerous. I was able to "get my way" though and we did always have Christmas morning together as a family in our own home after the kids were born.
I did message D26 a Happy Thanksgiving this morning though. She's making pie today along with everything else. She may have people over but isn't sure. I think it's safe to say that it won't be her mother. I just saw a SnapChat of her making dressing. Yum.
I do wish I was sitting with the smell of roasting turkey today though. Nostalgia is tough on me this season. Perhaps because the divorce is now over and done with.
When I go visit D26 next weekend she's suggested that we head up to Williamsberg VA. There appears to be a lot to do there. It should be a fun time. I'm not sure if D26 has any specific destination in mind in Williamsberg. She and her H go there from time to time as it is close to them in Norfolk. One thing that I'm going to hunt for on this trip is a new Christmas stocking for myself.
Shortly after we were married, my ex started up a special one for me with a lovely cross-stitched pattern. It mostly sat for decades gathering dust, but a year or so before her affair, she pulled it out and actually finished it. She was good at starting projects, gathering stuff for projects but never actually finishing them. The stocking is quite nice with DAD stitched across the top in big letters. I'm going to put it in the box with the quilt that my grandmother made as a wedding present that I retired this past summer along with a note about the history of it.
S24 was having a rough day yesterday. His day of work got cancelled at the last minute so he went back to bed for about 7 hours. He looked like crap, perhaps as bad as after he moved home looking all depressed. I foolishly perhaps contributed a bit to that the previous evening when coming home I made a joking comment that on a divorce support forum (not this one) that someone had asked for instructions on how to roast a duck and that I had suggested imagining your ex in front of you and stab it in the breast and back. When I said that he looked like someone had kicked him. I really need to be more careful. I do think that things are still tough on him. If his mother is struggling, me being flippant about her is probably not helpful.
Hopefully he's doing better today.
Given the postal strike I think what I'm going to do to get CL's Christmas card to her is to go to a florist local to her and have it delivered with some flowers when I get back from Virginia. I'm not as worried about upsetting her kids as I was when I wasn't sure if they knew I "existed" or not. I hope she'll find that sweet and creative. I'm also going to take a look to see what's going on in her city for New Year's Eve and may suggest that she join me at the Boat Show in January - possibly with teen(s) in tow. Finding my courage I think.
Well - I suppose I should be doing some actual work. The count-down to vacation is well underway. I got my references off to the company I interviewed with but I'm really heavily leaning towards not taking the job if offered. Despite the practical advantages and relatively decent money, I lose too much career wise going there.
Take comfortable walking shoes for when you go to Williamsburg. The old town is beautifully decorated for the holidays and I'm not sure if next weekend is the annual kickoff for the holiday season, but if it is, you need to go in the evening. They do the tree lighting and candles are lit and the old town is just so beautiful at night. You might want to have your daughter check into this because it is worth the walk in the late evening. Be sure to eat at one of the Taverns and try their hot cider.
Travel safely and enjoy your time w/your daughter and son-in-law.
Another Sunday morning with another pot of tea and this white box.
Today it's my cat Amy who is here instead of her sister Liz. Laying across the back of my neck swatting my face with her tail which makes the tea drinking a bit more complicated. She's purring directly in my left ear.
A few things to haul out and examine and some minor news. But first on the Taco watch. Doodler - check out today's Mother Goose and Grimm comic. It has absolutely nothing to do with your quest(s).
I've not heard back from the job I interviewed for. They'd said that they would make a decision on Friday. I expect that I wasn't their #1 choice and that that person is thinking it over. I do think that if they do offer that I'll decline. What I would gain in quality of life is offset on what I would lose career-wise. I think I'm better off where I am or in another role. I'm having lunch tomorrow with an old colleague who may be able to give me some pointers.
I sent CL a note on Saturday morning suggesting that she drive carefully as there was a freezing rain warning and joking that if she got storm-stayed that I could make meatloaf and biscuits. She was concerned as she still only has on her summer tires but I did re-assure her that she would probably be fine, that the roads were currently dry and that the temperature was well above freezing. I also said that I had full faith in her to make what she felt to be the appropriate choice and did not suggest what that choice would be.
She did come up and actually did stop for lunch at the cafe around the corner that I had suggested last week. Unfortunately for some bizarre reason she had poor service. One of the things about her that does bother me a bit is the fact that she does complain about things that to me don't matter but from what she told me she did have cause. I was pretty annoyed that this thing that I had hoped would be so nice for her and her kids and highlight my village didn't. She brushed off my apology saying that it was no big deal.
When I went in to the cafe to get my scone they did seem quite disorganized. Stalker Lady's daughter was working in the kitchen and nearly broke a big stack of plates while I was there. The other staff including the owner looked quite harried despite as CL had mentioned later, the cafe not having a lot of customers present. I did look around when I went in to see if CL was there - planning on "playing it cool" but she wasn't at that time. I had presumed that if she was in there that it would have been earlier but you never know.
She's on her way to church most likely right now as I write this and there is often something going on after. I'll probably ask her out for lunch on either Wednesday or Thursday at a nice cafe we've been to before in the city she lives in. I'll be on vacation so am very flexible.
A good friend who I expect has a good perspective on CL's point of view also being a lady of Faith but perhaps not quite as strict, suggested that as I suspect that nothing much will be happening until the divorce is filed. In some ways this is really good as it does give us time to get to know each other as people and friends without the pheromone clouds that would be generated by smooches. I really miss smooches. Getting swatted in the mouth by my cat's tail is no adequate substitute.
I was a bit startled this morning looking at the Facebook "memories" thing from a year ago where she had suggested that since I obviously needed a more exciting life (I'd posted a picture of my sock drawer) that she would be happy to play scrabble with me. This would have been just a week or so after she booted her STBX out of the house. Just now I looked back to the first times we interacted 2 1/2 years ago where she referred to me as "an interesting fellow".
This all reinforces my belief that she's had some plans in mind for me for a quite a long time. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Just like when she was "bombing" me back in July when she stayed over - it makes me uncomfortable. I'm 99% sure that I was not any sort of incentive for her to boot her STBX out. But I get the feeling that I have been her fall-back plan and that she perhaps has had unknowing to me an EA going on for some time. As always I could be very very wrong but it does seem to line up.
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S24 is back to a good humour. His sour mood only lasted a day. Surprisingly he went off to do my erranding with me yesterday. He needed a new coat for work and some beer. He was a bit annoyed at how much it actually cost to get a good, warm heavy coat but as he joked to the cashier it was hard to compare spending $150 on a solidly built coat to the one he was wearing that I won free in a raffle.
After we stopped in at the flower shop I mentioned that FSL was quite nice and that I was wondering about asking her out. He did remember that I had asked her out 2 years ago. She either wasn't working or was off having her lunch so I wasn't able to ask S24 his opinion of her age as he had no memory of what she looked like. He didn't seem bothered at all about the idea of me dating her and was a bit confused that the possible big age difference was a concern to me.
He did say that he's actively thinking of buying himself a car and not taking my old one (which he would get for free). His reasoning and it is accurate is that driving an automatic will get him driving a lot faster than driving stick. I also suggested that if he were to buy a car that he should talk to the bank about a car loan and that I would be willing to co-sign. We both thought that it would be helpful for him to establish his credit history rather than just paying cash. Oddly one thing that went through my mind right away is that both CL's D17 and FSL are both in need of a cheap car. We'll see what the spring brings. I intend to drive it until then. I just rolled over 500,000 km on it. Not bad for a 2010 Corolla.
We did talk a bit later about him moving out with me mentioning that there were lots of apartments in our village if he chose. He seemed uncomfortable about that. We both know that he's got a pretty sweet deal here and he perhaps knows that one of the reasons that I've not more actively pursued dating is because he's here.
I did mention that I had noticed that he had made another substantial payment on his student loan. It's now down to $2,000. I do think though that until he gets more stable employment that he's unlikely to move out. A "lot" of people I know of my age seem to be having their 20 and even 30 somethings moving home so it is certainly a common thing. A bit more awkward for me being single than it would be if this were an "intact" family. I do think that he has zero interest in moving in with his mother for whatever reason. Personally I think that it would be a good thing for him and perhaps her but won't suggest it to him.
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On Friday evening I ran in to a neighbour at the post office across the street. This person had been touted by my ex as one of her biggest supporters and a great friend who would help her move out and give her a place to stay. And who probably knew nothing about her reasons for leaving other than being "unhappy". We chatted for a bit. She's not heard from my ex in a very long time - no real surprise there. Her husband has been working in Calgary a lot lately and hasn't been home a lot and it's been tough on her. I've noticed her looking at me at other times we've crossed paths in a way that could be interpreted as "wistful" perhaps. Could all be my imagination. Not that I have any interest in her but I've made a point of not engaging with her too much and talking a lot about what her husband is up to.
She did mention that she finds my regular posting on social media about the trials of being single and how I'm "available" amusing and that she has a friend a couple of villages over who has tried the on-line dating thing and was pretty unhappy with what is out there. I did mention that I have gone out on a couple of dates with a nice lady and that line of inquiry got dropped.
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The nostalgia has been getting tougher and tougher on me. I do miss "what was" quite a lot. Yesterday I made a batch of banana / chocolate chip muffins. Something my ex would do quite regularly. I did do it slightly differently than her. She would buy bananas which would sit on the counter until they turned to mush and then she'd throw them out complaining that people weren't eating them. Occasionally she would make muffins or a banana loaf. To the point where I actually was rather sick of the darned things. Instead I bought bananas and made muffins the same day.
Mine turned out pretty darned good. S24 and I munched our way through perhaps far too many of them when they were fresh. There's still quite a few left if anyone reading this happens to stop by.
Last night I again had creamy tomato soup and grilled cheese. A favourite comfort food that my ex would regularly serve on gloomy days like what we have right now.
I've actually driven through the village where my ex lives a few times and believe that I saw her once framed in the door of the shop. She turned and I think recognized me as I drove by. And yeah - I know I shouldn't do that. It does seem to be working though in part to desensitize me about her living there. I no longer fear seeing her car or not seeing it.
Word to the wise. It's not just the MLC/Wayward/whatever that pops up during the holiday times. It's us "behind spouses" as well.
I'm finding the nostalgia doesn't really "hurt" all that bad even though it does hurt. It's a time that is past, much of which I was pretty happy / content during. It really was only after her affair started that things turned actually "bad" around here.
This will be the fourth Christmas/Thanksgiving since her affair started. The third where I am "alone". Does she have regrets? Is she feeling nostalgic as well? I have no clue. I do think that she has spent those Christmases and Thanksgivings also partnerless. I believe that she's not been invited to be part of her siblings' gatherings and in 2016 at least she and OM had split up. In 2017 they were more of a couple but were certainly living separately. What has 2018 given her? A divorce for one thing. From what I've heard there was a spate of posting of "don't judge me" / "I have a lot of people to prove wrong" in the summer and from what I've been told there was also a substantial weight gain after the divorce was set.
Knowing her as much as I can, I can certainly imagine a seething pit of anger within her that I would imagine is rather unpleasant. All those people who encouraged her to "be happy". All the promises that very likely OM made or hinted at. Her own choices to have the affair and to leave despite her protestations that "she never intended it". The fact that I seem to be more or less fine living in the home that used to be her's having a life that also used to be her's and that is no more. I do expect that anger to boil over if / when I do start seeing someone regularly if she still hasn't nailed down OM as her's. I no longer fear that but it does concern me otherwise I wouldn't mention it. She did always have a lot of issues with anger and possessiveness. I was a possession as much as her favourite coffee mug was.
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None of that makes a darned bit of difference in my life or situation. I am, while not hoist on my own petard am in a situation of my own choosing given the limited choices available to me. Reaching out to my ex would get me rightfully whacked with a whole lot of 2X4s and is not the best path for me. Going on to online dating isn't something that I want to do right now. Sitting on the shelf waiting to see what's up with CL is my current state but I've not hitched my cart to that particular horse. As attractive as that can look.
I have decided on my next thread title and perhaps theme which is different from what was in my mind when I started this one.
Well - Amy switched from my shoulder to trying to eat a post-it note on my desk (she likes glue) to laying across my arm as I typed to now wandering off in search of other adventures.
I have a pound of ground beef out to make - surprise! - meatloaf tonight along with fresh biscuits. I have 2 days of work before my week and a half of vacation starts. I have a half-bottle of wine in the fridge from last week that I hope is still good for later and a couple of beer to enjoy while I do my ironing later.
I have good friends, a "shabby but neat" home, very good health for a man of my age and size, wonderful children who love and respect me, and a beautiful blonde woman who from time to time spends time with me and does yes at times make my heart race.
As a very dear friend often says and what I agree with despite being an agnostic "God has been very kind to me".
Time for me to head out for a walk around the village and then to the cafe for a bowl of soup. It looks like a rain-coat sort of day outside and a good day to listen to light jazz inside.
Life is sounding good Andrew.
The misheard invitation for CL and her boys to meet you at lunch, and her reaction - it wasn’t an OMG moment. I would say she has thought about it, maybe just waiting until she gets her life more in order.
You appear to not be in too big of a rush yourself - I like that. I do understand your missing of smooches - rush or not. It is a month until New Years Eve, ask CL to some kind of a date / party. Probably both of you could use a fun time at New Years.
I see you kind of made up your mind about the possible job offer. My advice was, is, stay where you are. Since you are already leaning that way, my outside looking in analysis in not really required.
You better not let that half bottle of wine spoil.
Have a great night.
DnJ
A few things to haul out and examine and some minor news. But first on the Taco watch. Doodler - check out today's Mother Goose and Grimm comic. It has absolutely nothing to do with your quest(s).
Andrew,
I started reading your post, but as soon as I read the paragraph above, I had to take a gander at the Mother Goose and Grimm comic. I'm not sure if you're making a reference to my Peter Pan Syndrome, but I had an epiphany of sorts when I saw the comic. I realized I'd never actually Googled "Turkish taco" to find out if there's such a thing as a Turkish taco. The very first result from my search was the Urban Dictionary entry for Turkish taco. I'm in a heap of trouble, but I'd just like you to know, I've never eaten ground lamb. For real.
As for the rest of your post, I'll comment on it eventually, but I'm a really slow reader. I'm a mouth breather and I have to move my lips when I read, and I usually have to read everything two or three times because I struggle a bit with reading comprehension.
Anyway, I'm guessing the Turkish taco woman's name isn't Liz or Amy. You're a tease.
I realized I'd never actually Googled "Turkish taco" to find out if there's such a thing as a Turkish taco. The very first result from my search was the Urban Dictionary entry for Turkish taco. I'm in a heap of trouble, but I'd just like you to know, I've never eaten ground lamb. For real.
Oh - my - heavens ..... The first result was certainly not safe for work.
And certainly not on my mind at all previously and now I'm going to need brain bleach to get rid of that.
Y'all are killing me with your Turkish taco woman talk. I enjoyed your update, Andrew, and it sounds lovely. Doodler, I don't have any inside info or anything, but maybe the Turkish taco woman's name IS Liz or Amy....maybe that is why the cat has the name...as a little reminder.
The misheard invitation for CL and her boys to meet you at lunch, and her reaction - it wasn’t an OMG moment. I would say she has thought about it, maybe just waiting until she gets her life more in order.
Thanks for the visit DnJ - Yes - this has been my belief for some time. I switch between having doubts about "is this a good idea" to thinking that "yeah - this could work and be quite good". I need to get to know her a lot better first. And she needs to get to know me better too. I'm sure that the person who was in her mind this past summer isn't the person who sends her pictures of his meatloaf and biscuits.
This is also somewhat foreign territory for me in that I'm reasonably sure that CL won't be in to smooches or etc (especially the etc) unless she's committed. Which I'm fine with. My belief is based on things she's said about her very conservative upbringing. I would imagine that even though she married slightly later and presumably dated before that it was within her community of like-minded people. My ex when I met her was a "big boobed party girl" who was I think regretting choices she'd made so I was a safe harbour for her for a long time. I recall even I think just before her affair went physical talking to one of our son's friends about poor choices she made before she met me with a lot of sadness and regret in her voice.
Dinner was good - the wine perhaps slightly too nice as I went part way into another bottle - less than one total though so I just had a minor bit of "blah" this morning getting up for work. The meatloaf turned out rather nice - practice practice practice.
Y'all are killing me with your Turkish taco woman talk. I enjoyed your update, Andrew, and it sounds lovely. Doodler, I don't have any inside info or anything, but maybe the Turkish taco woman's name IS Liz or Amy....maybe that is why the cat has the name...as a little reminder.
Nice try Dawn. Liz and Amy joined the family at least 5 or 6 years ago. Long before I had any interest in Greek islands off the coast of Turkey. The lady will remain anonymous. She was a bright and brief part of my life some time ago and a good friend.
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So - I didn't get an offer from the job I interviewed for. They were quite gracious about it. I sent a message to CL also asking if she were available for lunch later this week while I'm on vacation. She can't - too much going on at work with the end of the month. She said nice things about the job situation.
I had lunch today with an old colleague who I haven't seen for at least 15 years. He's now some sort of senior manager with a software company working in the manufacturing domain. Hard to believe that he was this "junior kid" who I showed the ropes to on one of his first jobs / former client of mine in my free-lance days. We caught up a bit - his girls are mostly grown and almost out of the house. It seems that his wife has been working out and is looking fabulous. In a picture he showed me I honestly thought she was one of his daughters. He says that he nervously jokes asking if he has anything to worry about. He has seen a lot of divorces in his circle of friends and acquaintances a number of which were related to infidelity. He was interested in hearing my own story - the parallels of my own ex working on her appearance etc were pretty obvious. I don't know his wife at all - she didn't really embrace many of his friends. Hopefully everything there is fine.
Of course we talked a fair bit about business / work etc. I outlined my situation where I am nervous about job security given the company restructuring. He talked a bit about his company and some of the changes that have been going on there. I was talking about the humour I was finding in the large multi-national wanting to embrace some of the things I've done with regards to production planning / scheduling and out of the blue he asks me if I want a job with his firm. I was caught rather flat footed. Didn't say no - didn't say yes. He had to leave - his wife called and "instructed" him that he needed to run some errands - yeah - that's always been the dynamic there. He did suggest we get together for lunch again before Christmas.
When I got home after a side trip to pick up onions and potatoes (we were out) S24 was up and about doing laundry wearing his house-coat. He didn't get any hours today so it was a pants optional day for him. I had to laugh because I did ask him if he had occupied himself and pointed to the container where I had put the left-over banana muffins suggesting that he needed to make sure they didn't go bad. He looked sheepish and I opened the container and thanked him for leaving me a single lone muffin. I think I'll need to make those again.
I told him about not getting the job offer and then the surprise at lunch. He said "oh - where is that job" and was stunned when I said "Manhattan". It's actually only based in Manhattan, mostly remote/home office based and client visits of a week or so at a time. He did start thinking through the impact of me moving and I think it opened his eyes a bit. He's pretty sure that Manhattan isn't "his kinda town".
We'll see where that goes. My friend and I will perhaps chat some more in a few weeks. I think him making the suggestion was very spur of the moment. There would undoubtedly be lots of ducks to line up.
But it is nice to know that people value me both professionally and personally. I really didn't feel that a whole lot when I was married. I was rather taken for granted in the marriage and my ex would always get annoyed at me and cut me down when I talked about my professional successes. It's like I tell people "You don't know you are living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine".
Well - the muffins are no more, still need to make tomorrow's lunch - the last one before my vacation starts on Wednesday. My plans to see CL on Wednesday or Thursday are a bust but maybe I'll take myself out to see the new Fantastic Beasts movie. Leaving at "butts AM" on Friday to go see my girl getting back home late on the Monday. I have the next week off and hope to get to some redecorating including stripping ancient wallpaper. I have a stairwell to do which terrifies me and have been trying to figure out how to safely put a ladder up. There's probably close to 18 feet between the stairs and ceiling there.
He said "oh - where is that job" and was stunned when I said "Manhattan".
Andrew,
You've been squirreled-away in the Canadian wilderness for so long that the change would do you good. You know, electricity, lights, running water and modern appliances. You'd love it.
The lady will remain anonymous.
Will remain anonymous? That's it?
For the past month, or more, I've dedicated my life to the cause of discovering the Turkish taco woman's name. It's been my passion. My purpose for living. I finally had a goal; something to reach for, and now you're dashing my hopes for the very thing I've built my life around. How cruel can you be? Have you no soul?
I guess I don't really blame you. I mean, it's your little secret to keep. You're not obligated to tell us. But still, it hurts deep-down that you'd deny me the opportunity of reaching beyond my meager existence and quell the passion that's driven me to new heights. I'll try not to let it get me down.
Really, it's probably my own fault. Or, more specifically, it's the Magic 8-Ball's fault. I didn't choose to channel the Magic 8-Ball, it chose me. I should've known that the vagueness of the 8-Ball's answers would never lead me to the truth; I was destined to never know the truth. And maybe I was forcing things too much. Maybe the 8-Ball had the answer, but I just wasn't ready for it. Alas, it's become clear to me that, once again, my life is just an iteration upon iteration of useless nonsense. I'll get over though; I always do.
Is it possible that the Turkish taco woman's name is Samantha, Buellah or Gertrude?
You know, electricity, lights, running water and modern appliances. You'd love it.
Manhattan has indoor plumbing? FANCY! I'd only be there from time to time as I understand things. Mostly working from home, extended visits to customers. Interestingly CL has a sister who lives in Manhattan and I have a Facebook friend there who happens to be one of the hosts on Bloomberg as well as being an amazing musician and golfer and a very lovely person both inside and out. There is also an actress whose older and better looking sister I dated who lives there that used to be on a show called ER who I kissed once on a very memorable to me evening after her sister friend-zoned me and who probably doesn't remember me. I stalk her on Instagram 'cuz I can
and she responds from time to time. And no Doodler - she may like tacos but not necessarily Greek islands. You should be able to figure that one out fairly easily though.
And all this is so much pie in the sky vs pie on the plate (with cheese). We'll see if it actually goes anywhere. Up to this time the closest I've been to Manhattan was a layover in New Jersey on my way to Providence RI.
Is it possible that the Turkish taco woman's name is Samantha, Buellah or Gertrude?
Is it possible that the ferret has been messing with the Magic 8-Ball? Perhaps the names coming back are the ones who it thinks could deliver the best belly rubs and ferret treats. I'd suggest checking for small, discrete paw prints - cuz you are still rather far off. I know that my cats did a lot of embarrassing things to my mind-reading turban making it quite unreliable as you may recall. That doesn't stop me from using it, but for some reason it tunes in old episodes of Dr Who more often than not these days.
Speaking of Dr Who, I think I got brownie points by noticing that there was a Tardis on CL's Christmas tree that she posted as being recently decorated. There have been occasional messages - always initiated by me between us in the last few days.
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To quote Hubert J Farnsworth "Good News Everyone" - my parcel from the US has arrived here in Canada just in time for me to gift-wrap it and smuggle it back into the US for my son-in-law's Christmas present. I got him a nuclear themed bow tie - yes he's started wearing them as well - along with a new Christmas bow tie for myself. If anyone is looking for a nice small business that does ties and scarves etc, I highly recommend Cyberoptix in Detroit. I have a few ties from them including some custom work and have used them to provide gifts for others. Their customer service is fabulous and I've worked with them to get the "right" thing more than once. Dawn - if you want Sparky to have a cool bow tie for his suit on your wedding you may want to check them out. They also do long ties but bow ties are best for all occasions aren't they? BTW - The
best bow tie instruction video is not mine but is found by searching "stay fly bow tie".
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Had a good, busy and somewhat long day here today. My first day of vacation. I left in the late morning to catch the "Fantastic Beasts - Crimes of Grinderwald" in Waterloo - an hour and a half away. I could have gone in the other direction and only driven for an hour but that would have put me in the city where OM lives and I avoid it. There was about 3 inches of heavy wet snow to shovel as well before I left.
The movie was slightly disappointing. Certainly the second of a trilogy. More effects and plot twists than great performances.
Earlier in the day I did some playing around with some new tech stuff that I'm not familiar with trying to keep my skills current. I managed to set up 2 different virtual computers that failed to start MySQL in exactly the same way. At least I'm consistent. No applicability in my current job but I do try to use vacation for professional development. One of my goals (yep - he's a nerd) is to set up a fully self-contained email server / client infrastructure with appropriate spam tracking and filtering based on PostFix. And yes - PostFix has been around for a while. Generally professionally I worry about things like profit margins and lead times from suppliers but at the root I'm a technology guy who has perhaps grown too big for his britches.
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I'd left S24 a note about my plans which beyond the movie included some shopping and going for dinner at the pub one village to the west. I was a bit surprised when I got home that he wasn't here but the house shows signs of a hasty departure. Similar to other times when he's been out with his mother but no telling if that's the case here or not. He did come home a while ago but not mention of where he was which usually means he was out with his mother.
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I rambled on DjN's thread earlier today (waves) about the passage of time and the change in attitudes we "behind spouses" can have. There are those who need to be "re-coupled" fairly quickly, many of whom are reluctant to mention it here but it does come out. Then there are others (Hi Dawn!) who take their time, are thoughtful and can manage with or without someone new but are open to it. There are also those who for a variety of reasons are doing just fine on their own without a partner (Hi Doodler!) I really don't know where I sit on that spectrum.
If I stand still and look, a very significant amount of time despite my getting close to being 55 has passed since my ex began her "dance with the fairies" which I believe started in mid 2015 when she took pity on a "safe" widower friend and started spending time with him. Even though when I look in the mirror or even read back on my threads I recognize the man I see, I've changed in a number of fundamental ways since then. My identity is certainly distinct from my partner which it wasn't before no doubt in large part due to the lack of a partner.
As those who are playing the home game know, I continue to have challenges with "detaching". At nearly 3 years out and divorced you'd think that was a given that I have moved on in all ways.
Do I still think that my ex was "ill"? No. I have no personal experience but I do believe that menopause is tough. Lots of women do get through it though without making the choices she did.
Do I still think she was subjected to "bad influences"? Yes. The worst of those was herself. At one point I thought of her as a victim of others but the passage of time, from some time ago made it clear that she knowingly chose the path she has been following.
Over the years I've read a "lot" of stories. Not nearly so many as my dear friend job or others. A favourite author has postulated a fundamental element of reality that they call narrativia which I am a strong supporter of. I believe in stories. The power of stories to frame a person's reality and even to perhaps change it. I recall here recently how my story about my ash tree held together by a threaded rod was impactful to a number of people beyond my original vision. As an author (only on places like this) but as a creative person beyond this venue, I know full well that when you release something into the world it often returns looking nothing like what you had in mind.
The stories are often similar. There are perhaps only so many paths through the Dark Woods. Mine fortunately seems to have involved a number of visits to nice cafes. IRL I am enjoying the bottom third of a bottle of wine from last Sunday. Radio Boka in case anyone is looking for a nice red wine from Spain.
Is this the Dark Woods? Or perhaps as we can all hope, The Hundred Acre Wood? I'm not lost. I know exactly where I am. I look down and see my boots firmly planted on the ground. What I don't know is where everyone else is.
Over the years I've read a "lot" of stories. Not nearly so many as my dear friend job or others. A favourite author has postulated a fundamental element of reality that they call narrativia which I am a strong supporter of. I believe in stories. The power of stories to frame a person's reality and even to perhaps change it. I recall here recently how my story about my ash tree held together by a threaded rod was impactful to a number of people beyond my original vision. As an author (only on places like this) but as a creative person beyond this venue, I know full well that when you release something into the world it often returns looking nothing like what you had in mind.
The stories are often similar. There are perhaps only so many paths through the Dark Woods. Mine fortunately seems to have involved a number of visits to nice cafes. IRL I am enjoying the bottom third of a bottle of wine from last Sunday. Radio Boka in case anyone is looking for a nice red wine from Spain.
Is this the Dark Woods? Or perhaps as we can all hope, The Hundred Acre Wood? I'm not lost. I know exactly where I am. I look down and see my boots firmly planted on the ground. What I don't know is where everyone else is.
Andrew,
You're in good company with the likes of fellow Canadian Jordan Peterson as well as Joseph Campbell (the hero's journey dude). Jordan Peterson believes that stories are a fundamental way that knowledge is conveyed among humans. And what does he point to as evidence his claim is true? The movie industry. It's the elephant in the room that no one sees.
I was raised in a Christian fundamentalist household. The problem with fundamentalism is that everything is literal, and thus, most of the meaning is lost. The end result was that much of my childhood was spent wondering why God would need to impregnate a virgin to have a son that would get himself killed to save the world when, instead, he could simply snap his fingers and be done with it. Of course, I rejected the nonsense; otherwise I'd be subjected to the purest of h3ll by enslaving myself to a supernatural being who couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
Jordan Peterson's biblical series explores the meaning behind the stories. And surprise! It's much more meaningful and
instructive.
Speaking of stories, I've got a whopper of a story for you. I rarely look at the spam folder for my email account. I just looked at the spam folder yesterday and discovered that a couple of years ago my future self sent me an email. The email had a spreadsheet attached with all of the second-by-second pricing for crude oil futures contracts for all of 2017. I could've been rich! (Short selling is much faster than going long.) Apparently, the email went into the spam folder because the email date was in the future so the filtering system decided it must be spam. Here's my dilemma: my future self figured out how to send email to the past, but he wasn't smart enough to hack the SMTP to post-date the email. Now, I'm stuck with the knowledge that my future self is a total dumb@ss. This can't be good.
I was raised in a Christian fundamentalist household. The problem with fundamentalism is that everything is literal, and thus, most of the meaning is lost. The end result was that much of my childhood was spent wondering why God would need to impregnate a virgin to have a son that would get himself killed to save the world when, instead, he could simply snap his fingers and be done with it. Of course, I rejected the nonsense; otherwise I'd be subjected to the purest of h3ll by enslaving myself to a supernatural being who couldn't think his way out of a paper bag.
Not sure how much pleasure reading you do, but I recommend "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett / Neil Gaiman.
The email had a spreadsheet attached with all of the second-by-second pricing for crude oil futures contracts for all of 2017. I could've been rich! (Short selling is much faster than going long.)
Yeah - the 2017 oil markets confused the heck out of me. The price seemed range-bound for Brent between 45/50 for a long time and that made perfect sense given how flexible US production in the shale formations is now. You can get a rig up and producing rather quickly compared to the past. Then the price burst out of the range for no reason I could understand and then collapsed last week. Certainly causing big problems here. Canadian crude, especially the bitumen is down around $15 which is well below the cost of production I believe.
One big advantage of being broke though is the fact that except for my exposure in my pension, I don't have any stake in the markets. And my pension is I would expect being managed by people far smarter than me.
From my following of the financial news though I do think that smart people are expecting a significant down-turn in the next 6-18 months. There's a lot of corporate debt out there that is beyond the ability of companies to pay. The artificially high profits some companies have had in the last year or so are expected to go down and any dividend paying stock is going to be hit fairly hard. The auto-sector is pivoting production and going to throw a bunch of well paid people out of work. I am a bit concerned about reports out of China that so much of their development in recent years was funded by loans that are apparently not getting paid, but that's not a market economy so perhaps it won't be an issue. I do worry that one big exogenous shock like for example Brexit could just push the teetering facade down like a game of Jenga.
Now, I'm stuck with the knowledge that my future self is a total dumb@ss. This can't be good.
I didn't want to be the one to tell you but future-you came up here for a visit - sack of hammers - and kept muttering about losing his magic 8-ball. Then he ate all the cookies.
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So - I did it. The stationary mixer that my ex-wife
insisted that her mother give her that she left in the house despite multiple "shopping trips" through including the one where she took the mixer paddles is sitting in the trash can on the curb. I kept the nice glass and metal bowl that were with it 'cuz I can use those.
Funny and perhaps sad that even after all this time and what I've gone through that I still had a hard time touching "her stuff". There's none left now that I'm not using or like if you don't count some of the mystical powders in the spice cabinet. That was indeed the last item that she could have been "attached" to. I wonder if S24 noticed or not. I did notice that the paper towel holder that I gave him nearly a year ago to give to his mother is still in his room. It was a hand made Christmas present from her now deceased mother.
I can't shake the feeling that "something's up" with my ex-wife. I did resist the urge to offer to carry presents to D26 for her. I do believe that she knows of my plans and she certainly knows where I live
If D26 asks me to bring stuff back I will and arrange through S24 to have it handed off.
In many ways I wish that she was open about having a wonderful sparkly life with whoever. She even kept her adventures in a camper trailer visiting D26 - presumably with OM in the fall quiet. I continue to be baffled. Is it shame / embarrassment? She used to be so very proud of the life she had and was very open about showing it off. If she left for something "better", why the silence? And why am I letting this bother me?
On the other hand for my own reasons I've been quiet about my dating of CL although a number of my friends and certainly my / our kids know. More and more though I am believing that that's not going anywhere. Perhaps she has "plans" for me as I believe but she's certainly not doing much of the lifting to make them happen for recent months. I am though pretty "noisy" on social media otherwise though. Pretty much always have been but much more so since I've been alone, just like my diary entries here go on and on and on and on and on. That is in part because of loneliness I know.
I do continue to worry about my ex circling back as I keep writing here ad-nauseum. Is it possible for her to show remorse or try to make amends? How would I deal with that? CL did, quite reasonably ask me that question on one of our first dates. My answer then was that I would say "So - you got dumped". The reading I've done elsewhere leads me to believe that selfish people, and my ex was selfish, don't
do true remorse. How would I actually react? I do know that while I am somewhat cynical about the whole MLC narrative here (sorry), my ex is following the script exactly as presented. She's even got the tattoos now. Something that I could never imagined especially since she always presented herself as the respectable matron. I know my couple of ones bothered her.
That I am indeed more or less exactly where and how she left me is a fact. The fact that in many ways I'm comfortable with that is also there. I'm a consistent and reliable / boring and predictable guy. Part of me knows that if she were to circle back that it would in many ways like putting on an old overcoat despite the fact that I do know somewhat what purposes that overcoat has been put (yes - crappy analogies R Us). If CL were to escalate things that would keep me safe from that. But that's NOT why I would want to pursue that. Just like the fact that she's tall, slim, beautiful and moderately well off and some would rub their ex's nose in that isn't a reason either. My ex is short, dumpy (I used to tell her "extra-curvy") and while she had a lovely smile was certainly no beauty queen. I would want a new relationship because that person is special to me, kind and giving. I believe that CL does have those qualities with an outer veneer of sass and snark. FSL certainly is very sweet with a lot of inner strength that I like. Friends and family keep kicking me to "get out there". Why then am I stuck?
Should be a moderately busy day here. Going to do some cleaning that I normally do on the first weekend of the month. Get packed to go visit my daughter this weekend leaving early tomorrow morning. I have the last of the butternut soup and duck stew out for my lunch. Not sure what to do for dinner. Pork chops and potatoes perhaps.
Well - enough of this nonsense for now. Staring at this screen and revising isn't getting the laundry done. I intend to leave tomorrow morning with a moderately clean house for S24 and to not have a pile of things to do when I get back late Monday night.
I'm working my way through my digital copy of the complete works of CS Lewis. He always makes me think which may or may not be a good thing. Something for a break perhaps today.
Not sure how much pleasure reading you do, but I recommend "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett / Neil Gaiman.
That sounds like an interesting book.
Canadian crude, especially the bitumen is down around $15 which is well below the cost of production I believe.
Speaking of women's names and crude oil, did you know that the symbol for crude futures is CL?
Back in 2016, I noticed that the crude futures prices were becoming volatile (volatility reflects uncertainty and is generally indicative of prices going lower). Since volatility was way up, I decided to sell crude oil options on the futures contracts. (Options prices go up as volatility rises; so the usual strategy applies, sell high and buy low.) I sold what options traders call a "strangle" (puts and a calls) for expiration in 45 days. When you sell options contracts, you're essentially selling an insurance policy (you know how insurance works, the house always wins). I was just going to sit back and collect my money. But, the market would have none of it; prices tanked and I lost a bunch of money. The upside is that I got some of my money back because the price of gas dropped like a rock (little consolation). Live and learn.
From my following of the financial news though I do think that smart people are expecting a significant down-turn in the next 6-18 months.
The smart people are probably right; we've been in a long expansion.
I didn't want to be the one to tell you but future-you came up here for a visit - sack of hammers - and kept muttering about losing his magic 8-ball. Then he ate all the cookies.
It sounds like future me is a lot like present me. It's weird how that happens.
16 hours of driving later I'm in Norfolk. Many big hugs with D26, her H isn't currently available "The Captain Calls, I must Obey". We popped out for a couple of drinks and I'm just about to turn in.
No problems crossing the border especially since at the last minute I remembered to take my passport. I "did" forget my PJs but there's no one here who will be offended. D26 and I went out for a drink after I got here and I do admit that I did sort of "pump" for information about her mother. From the oblique answer I got to my non-specific query it would seem that as far as she knows, her mother and OM are still a going concern. But then again her mother didn't even acknowledge the existence of him for quite a long time to her children.
The topic of CL and even FSL came up and D26 seemed to be completely ambivalent. I did get the impression that she would be in favour of me having someone nice in my life and also that she did not look at all to her mother being that person.
The drive was pretty good and the weather was reasonable. I did get trapped on the beltway around DC during rush hour and had a somewhat scary encounter. A small object hit the driver's side window quite hard right at head level and bounced down. It appeared to be a small pebble but there were no cars going by on that side of me. I had heard reports of people taking pot-shots at cars on the beltway but don't recall if that was recent news or not. It did come to mind though.
Long drives alone even with lots of podcasts and music does give the opportunity for the mind to wander which is what has led me here tonight when really I should be in the very over-sized bed with far too many pillows on it.
A recent "conversation" on DnJ's thread was about the concept of time and how much time has passed for us LBS. It got me thinking today about the opposite. How quickly (apparently) for a number of us our spouses made the switch from loving partner to "Dances with Fairies". I do believe that the switch from loving wife to EA to PA in my own case happened in the course of about 3 or 4 months. The blink of an eye from some points of view. Coincidentally just about how long it was from when we met and she started love-bombing me to me proposing a bit over 30 years ago now.
It certainly makes me question how strong my marriage perhaps was if it could be destroyed so quickly and easily. On the other hand, even a few years out, I still am healing. Maybe I always will be. I have no idea on the state of mind of my ex but considering the way that she even relatively recently essentially "ran" when she saw me, I would presume she also still struggles.
That also got me thinking about the timelines for more "legitimate" relationships such as those I hope to build. I have been frustrated at the slow pace of things with CL - but then, that's been perhaps 5 months? In much less time Ginger (waves) has gone from "being as single as a Pringle" to something that requires us to hose down J9 after he reads her updates
Certainly very different circumstances though.
It raises the philosophical question though - is destruction a faster process than construction? The MLC narrative leads us to believe that it is a long process. The selfish @ssh@le theory doesn't. My own situation? Perhaps somewhere around the middle.
Ah well - re-reading this doesn't make this look nearly as profound as it seemed in my mind several hours ago in the middle of Pennsylvania.
Should be a good day tomorrow. It's with my daughter. Now to bed. There was a big Navy Christmas party in this hotel which appears to be continuing on this floor. Still - at home I have the cats to contend with who insist on banging on my door at 2:00am for cuddles. If that happens here tonight - I will not open.
Sleep well and Happy December!
I am glad you arrived in Norfolk safe and sound. The incident you encountered on the Beltway yesterday is one of many. I am glad you are okay. I don't know what people get out of tossing rocks at cars and I hope they catch them. This type of behavior has destroyed a few cars and the people in them.
As for the PJs, you can always purchase a pair today, LOL!
Enjoy your time with your family. Rain is in the forecast for today and tomorrow with the possibility of thunderstorms tomorrow.
Take care.
Had a good day with D26 yesterday. The weather gods yet again smiled on our endeavours. At worst when we were outside there was a light sprinkle. We did get rained on when driving.
We had a great day in Colonial Williamsburg. We did the paid admission but I think that for many people doing free would be fun too. We managed to walk in to the Governor's palace exactly as the tour started and accidentally joined it. Very nice. The town I believe is doing the big lighting thing today. Because D26 was the spouse of an active serving member with ID she actually got in for free even though at best we'd hoped for a modest discount. So that was good.
We walked and walked and walked. Because CL's S13 (and I) are interested I took a bunch of pictures and chatted a bit in the Blacksmith's shop but we also went through pretty much everything available. We did joke a bit as we went around because everything was "colonial this and that", Oh - look - a rebel squirrel - a colonial Hooters ....
We hit a Christmas shop and she helped me pick up some decorating and a new stocking for me. My old one that my ex had cross-stiched has been retired - I couldn't bring myself to throw it out but don't want to use it any more.
I did talk far far too much about my relationship issues and the fact that I missed her mother was probably very obvious. D26 of course divulged nothing but the impression I got was that she is not happy about the choices that her mother has made and she doesn't expect her to change those choices.
It is interesting on how little interest D26 has in the women who I might date. She's not stalked CL on social media at all and isn't sure what she looks like. She did mention that her friends have reached out to her to see if she's OK. A lot of her friends' parents divorced when they were young. She said that they were surprised that for her it's more or less a non-event which realistically speaking, it does have little impact beyond as she mentioned that she gets twice the amount of parental visiting.
The forecast is looking good today. I'll carry my umbrella just in case. Not sure what's on the agenda, probably some more walking and shopping. I'm leaving in a moment to head out for breakfast with her at a local creperie. The weather is quite warm from my perspective. I wish I would have packed a T-Shirt. Going to skip my jacket today.
It's my village Chistmas parade today. Hopefully my neighbours will get some nice pictures. This is the first time I've missed it in a long while. S24 will hopefully get out and watch since it passes directly in front of our house.
Sounds like you and your daughter are having a great time. Enjoy the holiday festivities! I am sure someone will be taking photos and will pass them on to you from your neighborhood.
Enjoy!
So it turned out that the village Christmas parade was rained out for the first time ever. So officially I didn't miss anything there.
I had a great day with my daughter. We went shopping and picked up some more Christmas things for me / my house, went to the Dickens Christmas Town display at the cruise centre in Norfolk - which was aimed at small children so we both had fun. I picked up another Christmas ornament (a small tea-pot). I'm so glad that D26 was able to help me build new memories and momentoes for my future.
We had a bit more open talk about me, my dating, her mother and the past. One thing that came out which was completely unsurprising was the fact that this past January when my ex-inlaws both passed that the fact that OM was listed as the spouse of my (then still officially married) wife was attributed to "Aunt K going rogue".
I expect that the already volatile relationships in that family got rather explosive. Makes me glad again that I was nowhere near that even though I was offended at the time. The impression I got was that my daughter's mother was beyond upset.
D26's legacy from her grandparents was I believe a single coffee mug. Given the avaricious nature of that family I'm almost surprised she got that much. I think S24 got diddly squat.
Given the history I expect that much of the property division was done "fait acompli" by the infamous "Aunt K" who coincidentally is a great-grandmother before she turned 60 and whose infidelities were a great source of pride to her as she encouraged her younger sister (my ex) to emulate her.
I do still clearly remember the birthday card from her sister "Aunt K" in 2016 to "Ms P" instead of Mrs P that my ex was obviously upset with / embarrassed by. And this was just a few weeks before she moved out "to escape the noise".
I did offer to D26 to take Christmas presents to her mother. She sent none. I did advise her of the postal situation in Canada and so she may be using a courier (at rather large expense). Or perhaps not. I don't think she's actually bought anything for her mother as of yet.
D26 was rather surprised and impressed with the large pile of presents I delivered. I did tell her though that since shipping was "free" that there was a fairly large amount of silliness involved in what was wrapped. The previous measure of silly was a (hand-made by me in oak) tailor's clapper that I gave to her husband a number of years ago to assist him in ironing his uniforms. I assured her that I have far surpassed that level of silly. My own perspective is more thought / less money / more silly.
Be it good or not I did talk to D26 about the fact that I could find forgiveness for her mother and that while I was still rather angry that I did not hate her mother. Again, I do not expect this to get messaged back. I also talked to her about my own future relationship options. CL / FSL / Stalker Lady / Other. And the individual questions and concerns I had about each. I really do quite value her opinions of which she really had none to share. We also talked about Taco Lady and how that was a learning experience for me (quality hints here doodler). D26 was well acquainted with my experiences with TL and we both agreed that it was best to leave all of that in the past despite it being a very positive thing for me at the time.
One big laugh we had, especially at dinner tonight was the fact that for this weekend I've been very clear when we've been out that she's my daughter and not my date. She acknowledges that even in her own experience that it's not a shock to see a 26 year old attractive woman out with a 54 year old man.
Well - time for me to turn in. It's going to be a long drive tomorrow. D26 won't be joining me for breakfast suggesting BoJangles as a source for protein, caffeine and carbs to sustain me on my journey.
Glad to read it all went great with your D. It seemed you both really had a good time catching up. Your R with D seems to be better than that of XW, even from your D’s POV, right?
Drive back safely Andrew. Take care!
We also talked about Taco Lady and how that was a learning experience for me (quality hints here doodler).
Finally! I've figured it out. "Taco Lady" is an anagram. Although there are over 40,000 combinations of letters (8 factorial), I'm certain I have the right name. Drum roll please...
Here it is: Aldacoty
Whew! I'm so glad that's over.
Home safely 16 hours or so and over 1200km after starting.
Glad to read it all went great with your D. It seemed you both really had a good time catching up. Your R with D seems to be better than that of XW, even from your D’s POV, right?
We've always been close. I think my ex was jealous of her daughter at one point. D26 tries hard to not "take sides" but she does know how badly I was hurt at a time when her mother would only have "superficial" conversations with her. I don't think that either of them have made much effort to "fix" things.
Whew! I'm so glad that's over.
Me too. Shame you're still wrong though.
While it's still in my mind I wanted to journal this bit and then I'll tackle the stack of dishes that S24 left me. I think he was counting on me being home later.
Although I don't believe in fate nor karma, I do wonder sometimes if it believes in me. Two very disturbing things today.
In the middle of Pennsylvania I made my lunch break at a Taco Bell. As I was walking in to the shop, my ex-wife's car was on the street in front of me - or so I thought. It was the same make, model, year and is a fairly unusual vehicle. There was a bumper sticker in the right spot. I actually walked out a bit to first check the license plate (she has a custom one) and it didn't match and the people in the vehicle weren't her. Threw me for a loop though.
Leaving the city to the south of me my GPS insisted on navigating me exactly past my ex's apartment despite that being about 15 minutes longer to drive.
Undoubtedly this means nothing.
I've sent CL a "I'm home safely" message along with a picture of my messy counter. Both kids were notified earlier. S24 did leave me the cider I'd put in the fridge so that's now open and the dishes are about to be started. Then it's off to bed. As it's Monday he's very likely out playing poker with his buddies.
It was the same make, model, year and is a fairly unusual vehicle.
Andrew,
I'm not going to get drawn into another guessing game. I refuse to guess what kind of car your ex-wife drives. But, if I were to make a guess it would be a 1972 Citroen DS.
It was the same make, model, year and is a fairly unusual vehicle.
Andrew,
I'm not going to get drawn into another guessing game. I refuse to guess what kind of car your ex-wife drives. But, if I were to make a guess it would be a 1972 Citroen DS.
I'm sure that your second guess would be a purple 2011 Scion XB with a bumper sticker from Hilton Head SC on the back right panel. I know it well as I was making payments on it for the better part of a year after she ran off chasing OM. She was nice enough to let me make the last payment on it before she had her lawyer send me a letter asking for a settlement.
She's not nearly cool enough to drive a Citroen although as a teenager her nickname was "Gremlin" - she was kind of short, wide and accommodating even back then I understand as long as you didn't expect it to last long
Well - before job sends me the reminder, time to continue on my journey.
I can use a nap first though.
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