Read the title of this new thread in the voice of Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2806757#Post2806757Well Friday CMM had his first chemo treatment. Really no side effects so far except napping more than usual. I'm not sure if this is good or bad - it's nice he's not having side effects, but seems like he should be have no more if it was actually killing tumor cells.
Saturday we got rear-ended while stopped at a light. I'm afraid my faithful little Toyota Matrix is no more - they will total it as both rear quarter panels are linked and bumper is broken - those repairs would far exceed the 2-3,000 value of the car. I had hoped to keep drivingbit for a couple more years, this is not a good time financially for me to be buying a new car as my alimony ends in February and I'm still helping one child in grad school. But it is what it is. Luckily I'm not hurt (the mystery is, how did my Key break off in the ignition but my knee is unhurt? Not even a bruise).
CMM had some back pain (he had previous low back surgery years ago) and pain over his lung surgery site but seems pretty ok today. Luckily the crumple zones crumpled as designed and absorbed considerable impact.
Some of you may remember that years ago I had a brief fling with a French Moroccan guy who was way too young but became a good friend. He works for a dealership and is trying to find me a deal on a RAV4 - I could use the bigger cargo space for transporting my vibraphone and drums.
Grateful to be unhurt. Sad to say goodbye to my little car - that was my first post-separation purchase and had some great memories.
BTW had dinner Wednesday with my friend who got the heart transplant and his wife - he's doing great!
Typos:
Seems like he should be having more side effects
Rear quarter panels are kinked
I am so sorry to read that you got rear ended. I hope both of you are okay. Sometimes aches and pains don't show up for a day or so. RAVA4 is a nice vehicle and hopefully your friend can assist you in getting one at a good deal. Actually, this is the time of the year that dealerships have some great deals.
Glad to hear that your heart transplant friend is doing great. I hope he continues improving.
If CMM isn't having any side effect yet, could it be the dosage wasn't strong enough or maybe he's not telling you if he is? I hope he's feeling a bit better today. I know that you are watching over him and taking excellent care of him. I just wish his kids would come around and at least communicate w/him. It's got to be difficult and depressing for him to know that they won't.
Keeping both of you in my thoughts and prayers.
My goodness, but you seem to be having quite the unlucky streak. Positive thoughts and vibes coming your way, kml.
Well the first round of chemo is often the best tolerated, and they did give him an infusion of something to control nausea for 48 hours so that may be why he is doing so well. He's definitely tired though and more so today.
He's not a guy who is used to being taken care of (doesn't seem like his ex did that) and of course, having a Y chromosome, he's very uncomfortable with being debilitated. He's very grateful though for the care.
thanks for the update. I'm so sorry you were in an accident and your poor little car is totaled
yeah, the first round is usually the easiest.
he's lucky to have you - sorry you are all going through this.
going to see Vanian and co. tomorrow night
hang in there Ellie xoxoxo
Well the third day after chem things got rougher, nausea and fatigue got worse, but tolerable. He had a bad couple of days but has been improving yesterday and today.
I'm still contemplating contacting his daughters and have drafted a note, but am going to sit on it for a week and think. I hope they will contact him first. IF I were to send it - not sure that I will - this is what I plan to say: (Opinions welcome)
Information about your father:
Hi, I’m sorry to barge in like this but feel like I have information you need to know. I’m a personal friend of your father’s, and although I am not HIS treating physician, I am a practicing physician myself. I met your father in June and have been helping him through his treatment.
I know that you girls are estranged from your father although I do not exactly know why. That’s not my business. But I wanted to make sure that you have all the information you need to make informed decisions about your relationship with him. I know from my ex-husband’s family that the burden of being estranged from a parent can be greater on the child than just having a polite, if distant, relationship. I just want you to have the facts about his condition.
Your father’s lung cancer is now Stage IIIB. I try to help him keep an optimistic attitude, and I tell him what I tell my patients – “statistics are statistics but there is no cancer so bad that SOMEONE hasn’t survived it, and that may be you”. Still, you should know that his prognosis is rather dire. His tumor grew rapidly during the month from first diagnosis to start of chemo. Generally his type and stage of tumor has only a 5-10% 5 year survival rate, and a median survival with treatment of only 13 months (meaning there’s a 50% chance he may die before 13 months.) His odds may be worse because of the rapid growth we’ve seen and statistically because he is male and African-American.
He is awaiting genetic marker tests on the tumor which may help them decide if he is a candidate for one of the newer immunotherapy drugs. If so, that may extend his life, although they don’t always work. Also, we did send off a genome test which will hopefully let us know if he has a hereditary form of lung cancer – this is rare but it is suspicious that his father was also a nonsmoker who had lung cancer. This test won’t be back for another month or so. If there is anything genetic that you girls need to know for your own health I will be able to share that with you.
Please don’t tell your father that I contacted you. I just wanted you to understand that if you do hope to have any type of closure with your father, time is of the essence. You can email me at XXXXXXXXX if you need to contact me for any reason.
I think this is very well written. I think pretty much anyone who reads it should get an accurate view of where things stand. There are only a couple things I question or at least want to ask you about. You may have reasons for using the wording you have and for omitting what you have but just in case:
1. You make it seem like there is zero romantic involvement with you and their father. That really is not true. There may well be a reason you stated things this way. I just would not want them to think you are trying to shade the truth. Is it possible they will know or figure out that you are more than just someone who met and are helping him through this? I think that might be at least in the ballpark for you, but we know for him, he's in love with you. I'm not suggesting you need to say that, just worry about anything that they might see as not being forthcoming.
2. I think it's great that you included the genetics and heredity piece to it. That makes it more personal to them and show's more care for them. That said, should you be including something about how sorry you are to have to tell them, that this is happening, etc.? In other words, should you be a bit more personal and compassionate with them or are you purposely trying to be more "clinical" for lack of a better term.
Otherwise, I think it's very well written and even if not immediately, I do think at some point it needs to be sent and then as I said before, let them do what they wish right up until the end is very near - when I'd give them one last chance to say goodbye.
Now, KML, how are YOU doing with all of this? CMM hit the jackpot meeting you! Perhaps the Lord brought you into his life. Whatever or however the case, he's so very lucky. However, it's got to be hard on you as well. While you see patients die all of the time I'm sure, you are not dating them. This is just so much looking like at least one of my friends. While in his case he was a smoker 20 or more years ago and there was family history, it really was a shock to him and everyone else. He started at IIIb and then became stage 4 after the other lung became involved. He survived about 10 weeks. Another friend at stage 4 is into her third year. You just never know. Still, it's got to be hard for you. I hope you're still taking care of yourself in all of this and again CMM is at least in some ways, a very lucky guy. Let's hope that luck continues.
I still don't know that I would ask them not to tell their father. That is the part where I didn't like it. I can see why coming from a physician and being able to paint a more accurate picture helps. I like that you didn't rub in their faces that you are with their dad given the situation. I think you come off very physician-like and say enough that they should suspect there is something more to the friendship.
I was never estranged from my dad, but he died from esophageal cancer and no one told us that he was very near the end. It was awful. We were unprepared. You are giving them the chance to say what they need to say. If they choose not to do so, they may bear extra grief from not reaching out if he doesn't make it, but they will have had the chance.
I would send it as is, but for the end. Maybe say, I know how sorry your father is for the estrangement and wants very much to make things right with you both, but he does not know that I am writing to you. If you are unable to reach out to your dad or would like more information, please contact me at ________________. My best to you in this difficult time. I also wouldn't talk to them about closure, etc. They can make that determination themselves without thinking someone who has known him only a few months is telling them how to feel.
Hello kml
I am so sorry for everything you and cmm are going through.
This is a really hard decision to make. I think its easier to write factual and clinical information, however i wonder if this is a HIPPA violation? I know that you are not his treating physician, but you are privy and have a much bigger understanding of the details of his illness then a regular girl friend or family member would. To share that with family members he is intentionally not relaying this info to seems like a violation of his right to privacy regarding his illness and health.
Would something less detailed but very heartfelt work? Something along the lines of "i know your dad loves you. this type of illness is not predictable and i would hope for all of you that you can come to some sort of peace and resolution wnile given the chance"... im sure some one out here can word this more eloquently.
I didn't mention dating him as I don't think they are probably very ready or interested to hear about his dating, even though it's been 5 years. I put personal friend and they can draw their own conclusions. I didn't want to have that color their responses.
I also didn't want to sound like I was pushing them to contact their father, or presuming that they should love him or to tell them he loved them - that to me sounds like me being too much in their business. For all I know they may have legitimate reasons for not wanting to speak to him. That's why I used the word closure rather than reconciliation, since for them it may just be their last opportunity to tell him what they really think of him.
Maybe at the end I will just add something to the effect of "I am very sorry about this terrible news."
(Btw, I don't actually believe he was a bad father or did anything horrible. I'm not sure why the girls are not contacting him and he legitimately doesn't seem to understand it either. He is a little OCD and maybe he was more difficult to have as a father than I realize, but he seems to have been a loving and responsible parent. It's possible that they just think this is some kind of ploy for attention, or that it isn't as serious/urgent as it really is. My guess is that it's more likely the ex-wife has told them some kind of lies about him but to be fair, I haven't known him that long. )
Don - I do think I must have been put into his life for this reason. I'm doing ok. It will not be easy to watch him die if that's what happens but I am better suited to dealing with that than most, in part because I am a physician and used to seeing death and in part because I believe in an afterlife of some sort. I will say that being with someone with cancer has a way of really making you live in the moment.
Unfortunately the only way I have of contacting them is through Facebook. I wish that wasn't the case, as it means they will see pictures of me - and I happen to look a little bit like their mother. (Go figure - maybe he has a "type").
If there is no connection between them then I have been thinking of asking him to keep a journal, writing the things he would say to them if they were here. Then at least I'd have something to give them after his death that might be of some comfort to them.
Juju -
he has already told them his diagnosis and current treatment, so I don't think giving them the survival statistics really violates any HIPAA compliance. (I have been encouraging him to send regular updates even though they are not responding.) I would certainly ask his permission before giving them any genetic results but he has already told them about that testing being sent too.
A little insight to a couple of estranged kids in case it helps.
You know my H texts the kids even though they don't respond and they have told him they don't want that kind of relationship. My daughter wants nothing to do with him, or so she says, but there are ways to get through to her. He just isn't trying. He texts my son that he is sorry that my son doesn't want to speak to him. You see, nothing could be further from the truth. My son does want to see his dad. He wants to speak to his dad. He just doesn't want to text the alien currently inhabiting his father's body. Every single time my H has come to see my son, he has gone. He has been pleasant. He has shared things about his life and his pain. Every single time my husband seems happy to see him and for the most part they have a good time. Then he disappears for progressively longer periods of time. Texting isn't speaking, and when you aren't even asking to see your child, you can't expect them to want much to do with you when you've hurt them so badly. Not saying that is the same with your guy. Just please, don't blame mom. Chances are that he has a lot to do with it. He needs to meet them where they are. Not where he wants them to be or where he thinks they should be.
I'm not jumping to blame mom, although she was a severe alcoholic when he left and from other tales of the marriage sounds like a possible personality disorder.
He was the one that left but didn't cheat or leave for another woman. His oldest two were in college at the time and the youngest a senior in high school. He has attempted to stay in touch ever since but I think his resolve is failing over the last year as their responses to him get fewer and farther between. They all live far enough away that you would have to fly to see them. (Ages 22-26) I've seen him text and leave phone messages, all appropriate. He refuses to badmouth his ex to them.
He's not the typical WAS in that he was trying to stay until the kids were grown despite his wife's alcoholism, and only left because she made a false accusation about him to the police (which they quickly determined was false) and he knew it wasn't safe for him to stay there any longer.
I don't have an words of wisdom or advice. Just stopping by to say I'm sorry, this is a difficult and painful situation you're in.
Thanks focus.
I got my new car this weekend. And learned something about CMM.
Some background: I've never actually dealt with jealousy in a partner. Seems odd I've gotten to this age and not encountered it, but I just never had. I'm not flirtatious or unfaithful so nobody would have any reason for jealousy but it hasn't ever come up.
After my car got totaled a week and a half ago when someone ran into me at a stop light, I needed to buy a new car. I knew what I wanted as I had been thinking about it and researching it for a while, as I knew I'd have to replace that car in a couple of years anyway.
There's a young guy I dated VERY briefly 7 years ago (we mutually agreed to call it off because the age difference really was too much - it was really more of a brief fling) but we became good friends, although we talk only rarely (maybe 2-3 times a year). I gave him some work and helped him in some other ways way back when. It so happens that he used to work at the Toyota dealership that I patronize (and now works for their Mercedes dealership next door). I asked for his help in getting a good deal on my new car as he kind of owes me one. He arranged a good quote for me on a no frills bottom of the line RAV4.
He said he'd meet us there and I thought he was just going to introduce me to a salesperson but instead he stayed for the entire negotiation. He was a lot of help, got me a very good deal, and threw in paying me back some cash I had lent him years ago (and completely forgotten about, as I don't usually lend money without being ok with losing it.)
Now, CMM knows my history with this guy, as I've been very honest about my dating history and he has asked. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't been so open. He took my friend giving me all these discounts and paying back that money as somehow a territorial act, trying to lay claim to me or show off to CMM.
Now, that is NOT who my friend is, and that is NOT what our friendship is about. And my friend was nothing but polite and friendly to CMM during the whole thing. He was just returning a favor.
I think it's just a world view that CMM has - he thinks that men are one-upping each other thinking "haha, I had her first" when they meet.
Now that I understand CMM's mentality I will certainly be cautious about any further introductions to ex flames. I just honestly have never ever dealt with this in past relationships and at my age, I kind of feel like he needs to get over it since of course I have had previous partners (as has he).
I'd be interested in guys here giving me their take on this. (And no, it didn't help matters any that my friend was dressed for his work at the Mercedes dealership in a nice suit and a sharp haircut - he IS a handsome man, but so is CMM. )
And one problem this brings up - I feel like I can't ever friend CMM on Facebook. Thankfully, he doesn't seem to spend time on FB and he hasn't asked. But now that I know this about him, I wouldn't want to friend him. I have lots of male friends, some of whom are ex dates, and they occasionally will post something on my page that they know I will like. NOTHING romantic, usually political or occasionally funny. But I fell like he would start snooping around and maybe become offended or jealous that I am still friends with these men.
Not sure if this will matter that much to your core question but what I think MAY have happened here is your friend got a cut of the omission. I can't be sure about this but have had it happen to me, which is how I got clued into this industry custom. If someone brings in a client and is helpful in making the deal happen - which clearly is what happened here - they are often cut into the commission or paid a "finders fee" cash by the saleperson. That could be very well where the money came from to pay you back as well. I had the same thing happen with a firefighter/friend years ago. He put in all this effort and I'm like, dude you don't need to do all of this for me - to which then he came clean that he got $200 for his "trouble". He knew the sales guy that he steared me to and that put it all in motion. I know you may not care but let CMM know that's perhaps what really went on here - so he's not as smart as he thought he was having it all figured out.
As to your core question, yeah, I really don't get it either. I've never been a jealous person - actually to my detriment. My ex W actually listed that as one of the things she had issue with - that I was never jealous, to the point that I didn't care enough about her to be jealous. I just figure it's useless energy. Of course, it bit me in the butt because clearly I should have been jealous of all the time and attention the guy who she later had an affair with and married. He moved right in right under my nose - helping her with things, taking her places, picking her up for work, etc.
Especially at our age, being jealous is just such a useless thing. It's just not at all attractive. I've more got the attitude, of "let him try to take you away - not going to happen" or if he does, well then I dodged a bullet. But that's just me. I would tell him how it makes you feel however. That's often my go to however - tell him how you feel about it and then it's up to him if he wants to alter his behavior or not.
Especially at our age, being jealous is just such a useless thing. It's just not at all attractive. I've more got the attitude, of "let him try to take you away - not going to happen" or if he does, well then I dodged a bullet. But that's just me.
Yeah, me too! I've tried explaining but he has this notion stuck in his head - it may be a little bit of an OCD thing for him, as he does have some OCD, or it may be a reflection of him not feeling manly enough because of his cancer diagnosis.
As for my friend - yeah, he may have gotten a small commission but if so, he probably gave it right back to me. I know from other dealer's offers that I got a rock bottom price, some freebies, and some things thrown in for dealer's cost, like extended warranty. He usually does NOT want his friends to come to him for a "deal" - which I understand, it's his business - but for me he's so grateful for my past help that he was willing to do it. Good karma comes around.
Jealousy is a thing. I was married for most of my adult life to a woman who was (and presumably still is) quite flirtatious. She knew I was jealous of the attention she would give others and that I did my best to keep it under wraps. It was never a source of conflict with us and tbh I think she liked the fact that I was so attached.
I think at heart, in much of our Western culture we as men still have this vision of marrying a virgin who will "cleave only unto him". I know for the early years that I was disturbed about the fact that my wife had been intimate, flagrantly so, with several men before we married. She even kept a box of "trophies" from prior relationships. I hated that box.
One of the things you see here is how infidelity is the ultimate insult. How people can get over theft, lies but get wrapped up in the horror of their spouse "being with" another person. In a new relationship, people can sometimes blur the line between past lives and the present and be jealous of a time and place where they didn't even exist.
As Don points out - for mature people, for divorced people, the reality is that there were other people in our pasts. I am sure that it is true for both men and women that there is a natural tendency to compare ourselves to others. And if we look hard enough, we can come up short.
The best thing you can do is to ensure that CMM knows that he is THE person in your life and that the past was left in the past for good reason without going into details.
Hope that helps.
I think at heart, in much of our Western culture we as men still have this vision of marrying a virgin who will "cleave only unto him".
Yeah, I guess being a product of my generation this seems so foreign, having come of age in the wake of the "free love" hippie generation. To me this just seems misogynistic, the idea that a man can have a sexual history but a woman is supposed to be "pure".
And it's not like I have some crazy sexual past - in ten years of post-divorce dating I had two relationships, one for a year, one for four. One guy I dated for a few months, and then two guys who were too young for me that were brief flings. ( Mind you lots of men date women that much younger).
I think the difficult thing for CMM to grasp is that I'm still friends with these men. There were no bitter endings. No one is pining after anyone (except possibly crazy ex-boyfriend but he accepts that he blew it). CMM on the other hand does not have nearly as much post-divorce dating history (only 5 years for him and he was sidelined for quite some time with a knee injury) and doesn't appear to have any "friendly exes". No contact with women he dated in his younger years before his wife either.
I, on the other hand, am STILL friends with my college boyfriend from when I was 18 (mostly on FB although I have seen him occasionally over the years) and email every few months to catch up with another college boyfriend (happily married for 40 years and on his way to a Nobel prize in biology I think). So this is a lifelong pattern for me of maintaining friendships. Actually my ex-husband is the only significant ex that I'm NOT friends with, really.
You might have already said this kml, but is he aware of his behaviour?
I think at heart, in much of our Western culture we as men still have this vision of marrying a virgin who will "cleave only unto him".
Yeah, I guess being a product of my generation this seems so foreign, having come of age in the wake of the "free love" hippie generation. To me this just seems misogynistic, the idea that a man can have a sexual history but a woman is supposed to be "pure".
And it's not like I have some crazy sexual past - in ten years of post-divorce dating I had two relationships, one for a year, one for four. One guy I dated for a few months, and then two guys who were too young for me that were brief flings. ( Mind you lots of men date women that much younger).
I think the difficult thing for CMM to grasp is that I'm still friends with these men. There were no bitter endings. No one is pining after anyone (except possibly crazy ex-boyfriend but he accepts that he blew it). CMM on the other hand does not have nearly as much post-divorce dating history (only 5 years for him and he was sidelined for quite some time with a knee injury) and doesn't appear to have any "friendly exes". No contact with women he dated in his younger years before his wife either.
I, on the other hand, am STILL friends with my college boyfriend from when I was 18 (mostly on FB although I have seen him occasionally over the years) and email every few months to catch up with another college boyfriend (happily married for 40 years and on his way to a Nobel prize in biology I think). So this is a lifelong pattern for me of maintaining friendships. Actually my ex-husband is the only significant ex that I'm NOT friends with, really.
My XH prided himself on remaining friends with all of his exes, but in reality, he really wasn't. He hated his first XW, never talked to the person who he claimed he thought was the love of his life because she broke his heart. Really, the only person he was still friendly with was his high school girlfriend. On the other hand, mine is more situational. I'm still good friends with some, not so much with others. I say all that to ask this: does CMM have an issue with you having male friends that were NOT relationships? Is his jealousy just about friendships with former flames or is about friendships with males in general?
KML - IMO jealousy is not an attractive quality. It doesn't sound like you are spending time with these guy friends in lieu of time with CMM correct? Do you interact with them a lot on social media platforms, etc? My XW never was friends with anyone from her past so IDK how I would feel. I know I wouldn't want to tell her who she could or could not be friends with.
Do you feel like he is controlling you? If it bothers you and obviously him maybe you need to sit down and discuss.
We have discussed but he's pretty stuck in his thinking (and to be fair, I didn't take his complaints seriously before because they seemed silly to me.) He's not controlling in other ways. He hasn't had too many opportunities to meet other male friends of mine who are not exes and not with their wives - last week we did go to see two of my old rock band class mates playing out with their new band, he seemed to handle that ok although I could tell he was on the alert.
I do have some social media contact with the ex boyfriends but not anything excessive. They might post something funny or political to my wall or like a post once in a while. Rarely (maybe twice a year) I might have a FB messenger chat with one of them in a casual "how're you doing?" kind of way or to ask or give advice on something practical.
I'm just afraid that, knowing how CMM is, that if I friended him on FB he would be asking me all kinds of questions about "who is this? " . I have plenty of non-exes male friends on FB who are friends of friends or casual acquaintances who share similar interests. I certainly don't want to feel like I have to explain every one, or for him to feel threatened by every one. Hopefully he'll never ask to friend me.
We have discussed but he's pretty stuck in his thinking (and to be fair, I didn't take his complaints seriously before because they seemed silly to me.) He's not controlling in other ways. He hasn't had too many opportunities to meet other male friends of mine who are not exes and not with their wives - last week we did go to see two of my old rock band class mates playing out with their new band, he seemed to handle that ok although I could tell he was on the alert.
Hmmm, dunno.
I guess it's like you said: how he handles it?
I don't think there's too much wrong with being 'on the alert'. I think I might pick up if the person I was with was feeling like that.
But then the dividing line is maybe what comes from that feeling? If it's just a feeling that passes after a moment/few moments, and nothing comes from it, then I think it's OK?
On the other hand, if the the other person then uses that feeling in some way (consciously or unconsciously) and makes it into something more. Like if they then feed that feeling in themselves and encourage it to grow and turn into something more, and make more of a thing about it - either spoken or unspoken. Then I might not be quite so at ease with the way things were going?
I don't know if it's something along the lines of the kinds of insecurities that everyone has? It's just that some manifest themselves as maybe intellectual insecurities, or physical, or to do with being left, or betrayed. You know, those super deep-rooted ones that were there before all the D stuff happened in our lives. Maybe that's his?
But it's really about what we do with those. How aware we are of them in ourselves, what we do when we feel them, how we handle them so that they don't hurt what is in our lives in the present.
I don't even know if any of that makes sense?
I'd be curious to find out why he's so stuck in his thinking. Does that apply just to this? Or is that one of his character traits in general?
He has some OCD so the stuck thinking could be partly attributed to that.
Had an international phone call this morning with someone from a scientific company making a device that ties into one of my side interests. Just reflecting on how nice it is to be respected in my field and recognized for my strengths. My career took a back seat to my ex's and raising my kids for so long. We women sure can gain power in middle age!
P.S. secretly hoping they'll want to fly me to London some day
kml,
I admire you and how you have handled your situation. I'm glad you received a phone call concerning a product that ties into you side interests. You just never know...you may be flying to London sooner than you think. I'm very happy to read that a representative from that company picked up the phone and called you. That says a lot about you and career!
Today is chemo day number two. Sitting with CMM at the hospital, we've got a movie to watch on the laptop and snacks packed in his Star Wars lunchbox.
Day two after chemo - tomorrow is when it starts to get bad. CMM is tired but doing ok otherwise.
Keeping both of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you lots and lots of positivity x
Watching The Good Doctor last night - anyone watching it? It's a good show about a surgical resident who is on the autism spectrum.
Any way, like many autistic people, he has some OCD. He has a new room mate and he is wigging out about her not doing things the "right" way - toilet paper on backwards, leaving a coffee cup out in the morning, It's all about the tyranny of OCD/clean freaks thinking their way is the "right" way.
CMM found this episode very amusing - which amused me, because HE IS THAT GUY!!!
Seriously, last night he came over to make dinner. Was there before me, when I got home from work the first thing he wanted to complain about was the kitchen and he couldn't start cooking. Because the were four water glasses by the sink and a large serving bowl (that was clean and I suspect my mom left it there because she can't reach the cabinet where it lives). It took me 2 MINUTES to put the glasses in the dishwasher and I rewashed the salad bowl just in case.
You want to make a federal case with me by complaining about my kids and/or mom leaving some water glasses next to the sink because they weren't sure if the dishwasher was clean or dirty dishes? Seriously?? I just don't get that kind of self-righteous clean freakness that would rather make a big deal than just put a couple glasses in the dishwasher. My house is not dirty, people don't leave piles of dirty dishes or gross messes in the kitchen, cleaning lady comes every two weeks to do the deep cleaning. These were some WATER GLASSES and a clean serving bowl.
Have to thank you for turning me onto the Good Doctor. I've heard the title but never paid any attention. It's an interesting concept though - and well acted by the doctor with autism. I'm adding it to my DVR.
How are things going with CMM and his kids? Did you ever send that letter? Or is his current condition keeping that on pause? It sounds like you have solidly become CMMs "girlfriend" (wish we had a better title for those of us at this age). I'll say it again, he is so lucky to have you. It begs another question but I'm just not going to go there now as I think you are doing the right think KML.
Anyhow, just wanted to say you are still in my thoughts and prayers. I hope he's beating the odds so far - and continues to do so!
Thanks Don. No, no movement on his daughters and I haven't sent that letter yet. One thing holding me back is the only way I have of contacting them is through FB. I'm not sure how much of a message they can see without accepting a friend request - and now there are photos of us together at a Halloween party, so if they accepted a friend request they would be able to see me tagged in those photos with him. Not sure I want them to be slapped in the face with that.
Anybody know how much of a message you can read without accepting a friend request?
Anybody know how much of a message you can read without accepting a friend request?
Facebook has and continues to change things all the time. I remember for a short time they tried to, well actually did, charge $1 to send a message to a non friend. Lol. Currently, however you can very freely send messages to anyone (unless they have blocked you) so you should be able to send as long of a message as you want to and they can see it without friending you.
Ok, getting closer to contacting CMM's daughters, but I looked at my original letter and felt it was too wordy and maybe too personal. Please give me feedback on this version instead:
Information about your father: please contact me at (email address)
Hi, I’m sorry to barge in like this but feel like I have information you need to know. I’m a personal friend of your father’s, and although I am not HIS treating physician, I am a practicing physician myself. I met your father in June and have been helping him through his treatment.
I know that you girls are estranged from your father although I do not exactly know why. That’s not my business. But I wanted to make sure that you have all the information you need to make informed decisions about your relationship with him.
Your father’s lung cancer is Stage IIIB. I try to help him keep an optimistic attitude, and I tell him what I tell my patients – “statistics are statistics but there is no cancer so bad that SOMEONE hasn’t survived it, and that may be you”. Still, you should know that his prognosis is rather dire. His tumor grew rapidly during the month from first diagnosis to start of chemo. Generally his type and stage of tumor has only a 5-10% 5 year survival rate, and a median survival with treatment of only 13 months (meaning there’s a 50% chance he may die before 13 months.) His odds may be worse because of the rapid growth we’ve seen and statistically because he is male and African-American.
Please don’t tell your father that I contacted you. I just wanted you to understand that if you do hope to have any type of closure with your father, time is of the essence. I know he loves you and misses you greatly.
Do they currently know that he has lung CA? If not, I think it's very abrupt to introduce that fact by saying "your fathers lung cancer..." If I was the child I'd thing lung cancer? What lung cancer! If they are already aware then the wording is fine. If not then something more like "I'm ver sorry to have to tell you your father has lung cancer."
The only other comment then is to put a better time frame on the stats. They may well take it as he still has 13 months from right now which I know you understand is not true. Perhaps even saying that means July 2019 for a median survival but we have no way of knowing - it could be much longer or could be mere months.
I again don't know their level of understanding but do know they may well want to believe it's not as bad as it is. That's often just human reaction to rationalize. Other than those two points I again think it's fine. It mostly depends on how he is doing. From the little you have provided he seems better or at least not declining as fast as he had been. The tight rope walk here is to give enough info to get them to understand without losing hope.
(((kml))) - I have nothing to suggest other than to send you a hug and what strength I can. I am sure that this is very difficult for you.
They do know that he has stage 3 lung cancer. They're in their early 20's and probably don't appreciate exactly what that means.
They do know that he has stage 3 lung cancer. They're in their early 20's and probably don't appreciate exactly what that means.
Well, perhaps not to the level you or I do but I would have to imagine that just the word CANCER scares the bjesus out of them. However, the fact that they do know he has 3b CA and still have not reached out does make one wonder. If so, it may be even more important that this door get opened now as it may take multiple steps for them to fully understand and the sooner the first step is taken the sooner full realization can occur. I so fear it may take a huge downturn in his health for them to understand.
I know I've said it before but it really bears repeating that everyone involved is soooooo lucky that you came into his life at the time that you did. I've always subscribed to the "everything happens for a reason" theory and this certainly screams of that. I hope your letter has the desired results. I have absolutly no doubt that you are making a huge difference in CMMs life!
the fact that they do know he has 3b CA and still have not reached out does make one wonder. If so, it may be even more important that this door get opened now as it may take multiple steps for them to fully understand and the sooner the first step is taken the sooner full realization can occur. I so fear it may take a huge downturn in his health for them to understand.
Agreed. And things can happen to cancer patients - they throw blood clots or have heart attacks, it's not just the cancer directly that we have to worry about. I'd hate to see them miss their chance.
Ok, if no one has a compelling reason why I shouldn't do it, I think I'll send that message today.
Well I sent the messages but I'm not sure the results will be helpful.
The one daughter who has had minimal contact with him did send a text yesterday morning asking how he was - and he hasn't responded yet, dithering all day about what he wanted to say in reply!
His youngest responded directly to me with an angry message telling me to stay out of their business and never to contact her again.
I'll admit, it worries me that there could be something I don't know about him - I'm hard pressed to understand how his daughters could be so cold hearted in the face of his illness unless he had done something much worse than I know. And yet I don't get the feeling he has lied to me about anything.
The facts as I know them: he left their alcoholic mother when the youngest was in high school after HE called the cops on HER and she made a false accusation about him (which the police determined at the time was false).
He was a good provider but financial hard times came when six months after separation he tore his quadriceps and was disabled with that and extensive knee surgery for some time; when he was finally able to return to work they were reducing hours and he has never made that good money in subsequent jobs. The family home was sold in the divorce but the girls did have college savings accounts which they used. Two have finished college and are working, one is still in college.
He didn't cheat on his wife; she likely did cheat.
He didn't physically abuse his kids; he spanked one girl one time and felt so bad about it he never spanked again.
He was an involved father, taught his girls to golf, took them to their sports and school activities, read with the one who had a visual issue.
You might imagine as the spouse of an alcoholic was he one too? Although he is a wine aficionado and likes a glass with dinner it's usually one glass, I've never seen him drink more that two and never seen him intoxicated in any way.
When I try to imagine what could have gone so wrong here I'm left with these guesses:
He withdrew during the painful divorce and they feel he abandoned them too?
He was more OCD/PITA than I know and that made their childhood difficult?
His wife has convinced them of some awful untruth?
I've never picked up the slightest hint of anything like sexual abuse.
He's not a narcissist or personality disorder; if anything he's conflict Avoidant, a little OCD in a clean freak/germophobe way (but not crazy so) .
What else could there possibly be that would cause his daughters to be so cold in the face of possibly terminal illness?
(And yes, I have thought that the angry response from the youngest daughter may be as much about me slapping her in the face with her father's mortality as anything else - I mean, I said upfront that it wasn't my business why they were estranged and I just wanted them to have the facts. And I guess that's an example of exactly why I wanted to send the message - I expect that same anger to be misdirected at me if I contact them in a year about their father's death and I really don't want to be the target. )
What else could there possibly be that would cause his daughters to be so cold in the face of possibly terminal illness?
Angels and demons can be considered two different views of the same creature. He let them down. He abandoned them and their mother. He stopped "helping" / enabling.
Yes - he may have had good reasons that make perfect sense but not to a selfish entitled person who is used to having things their own way.
Just my 2 cents from a farther distance away with poorer visibility of the reality.
You've done what you felt you needed to do. Now you need to let go of it and focus on what's in front of you and what's important. You will probably never know the answers. And certainly not answers that will make sense to you and satisfy you.
Yes - he may have had good reasons that make perfect sense but not to a selfish entitled person who is used to having things their own way.
Interesting that you say this. He has suggested in the past that perhaps he spoiled his daughters too much - but honestly he doesn't seem like the type to have been THAT over-indulgent. If anything I would expect him to have been a bit strict with things like dating and schoolwork but perhaps indulgent with material goods. Maybe mom encouraged an entitled attitude though.
Still I find it hard to believe that being mad at your dad for a divorce five years ago that WASNT about him cheating or having a midlife crisis would be enough to not even respond to him when he tells you he has stage 3 cancer. You're right - I may never know. I certainly won't contact her again. Hopefully he'll respond to the middle daughter who texted yesterday and maybe they can gradually repair their relationship. If not, I'm going to encourage him to keep a journal for them.
Btw - the youngest daughter's message told me it was inappropriate of me to contact her, that their relationship was nobody's business but hers and her family's (didn't I SAY that it was not my business why they were estranged??) and that I had no right to try to change her opinion of him because of his illness (again, I most certainly did NOT say that, I simply said that if they wanted closure time was of the essence - closure could mean telling him off for all I know. )
I clearly struck a nerve big time. I'll refrain from making any kind of assessment of her personality based on this because, after all, I DID slap her in the face with the grim reality of her father's mortality. Still, it's hard for me to imagine my youngest, who is estranged from his own father, reacting this way to a stranger in a similar situation.
I wonder how it must affect CMM to overhear my conversations with my own children? They are always loving and warm.
Btw, at the end she said it was not okay for me to come into her life and give her information she never asked for (remember, they already knew he had stage 3 lung cancer) then said thanks for your time but don;t message me again.
So far I'm leaning towards no reply at all (she DID say don't message her) - do you think that's best or should I simply say something like "Understood"?
As far as what else could their possibly be, well....
You are only hearing his side of the story of what kind of father he was. You don't know their side and if his is truth, unfortunately. Or, they could have been brainwashed by their mother or told them lies.
There could be a very huge skeleton in his closet his is not sharing. This is a strong possibility.
Either way, you tried to reach out, and they are armed with the info and made the choice.
You can continue to be there and support him not needing to know the true story. That is up to you and only you.
Yeah I keep looking for that skeleton and not finding it. But there must be SOMEthing, right? Otherwise, if he was really as good a father as it appears, wouldn't his girls have seen through their mother's version by now?
Well, I didn't break their relationship and it's not mine to fix. And so far, although he has some quirks like all of us do by this age (jealousy being the most bothersome to me, followed by his OCD) I don't see anything that would cause me to abandon him in his time of need.
The one daughter sounds like she has some issues w/her father that have never been resolved. She could be angry that, in her eyes, he abandoned them when he divorced their mother. It also could be that she is just an angry person who feels guilty for the time lost and now has to face the fact that her father is not well. Whatever the reason, you have gone over and above trying to communicate with them. I would not contact her again. Leave her to stew. If the other daughter continues to appear receptive to your postings, then I would keep her updated on her father's condition. She can be the one to tell her angry sister.
The other daughters haven't contacted me, just the middle one texted her father. I won't contact any of them again unless they approach me first - I gave them the information and a way to contact me, the rest is up to them.
I'm glad that one daughter contacted her father. Maybe she will be messenger to the others. You've done all you can and it is now up to them.
My xh was the same way as the angry daughter is towards his own father who walked out the door. He remained that way and when his father passed away, xh had a lot of regrets and unfortunately, the death was one of the triggers to set him in motion for a crisis. He never resolved the issues he had and now, well, unless they meet on the other side, it's too late to discuss them w/his dear old dad.
I hope the girls will wake up and realize that time doesn't stand still for any of us and it's too late when we've passed away.
Wow.. You are an angel that was sent to him, It saddens me to read about what's going on with him, but I feel hope in you being there for him.. I think the main reason I try to keep an open mind to a R in the future is simply because the thought of getting old and dying alone is horrible.. You are there for him, and frankly, that's a gift from God.
As for the R with his daughters, do you know if the D's knew she was an alcoholic before he left her, and/or did she get worse after he did? I'm simply wondering if their mom is in bad shape now and if they blame that on him for leaving her?
I have a friend whose XW died of lung cancer three years ago. Of his 4 children, the younger 2 were estranged at the time - living in another city with their mother. The older 2 sons were in his life, living in the same city at least, but still very close to their mother. Anyway, just before she died, his XW attempted to reach out to her XH (my friend), but so half-heartedly/ineffectually that whatever it was she wanted to say never got said. To this day I still do not know whether she had attempted to get the kids to broker the communication - they're not saying and my friend won't ask.
I suspect their behaviour after her death points to the possibility that she did ask them to get him to contact her - for unfortunately, there is a lot of guilt and shame within them all. Of course it's all perfectly logical. From what I can gather, they were all fed a constant line of bitterness and anger about their father. Although he now has a much stronger relationship with them all, they are occasionally very disrespectful and angry towards him and close questioning nearly always uncovers a "Mum said you..." story lurking behind that behaviour.
The younger two have huge emotional issues that occasionally turn them suicidal. I think this is partly because the death of their mother has left them feeling disloyal when they redevelop their feelings of love for their father - but they can't help getting closer to him anyway. They are constantly torn between her memory and his reality.
The two older children both feel huge guilt because they didn't believe their mother when she told them how sick she was. This was also a perfectly logical response - I believe she had a long history of using illness to guilt them into doing whatever she wanted. Tragically, she called one of them the day she died, but he was 'too busy' to answer her call and by the time he called back it was too late.
After his mother died, he tried to do everything she'd have wanted; married his girlfriend, bought a house and had a child. However, the guilt and shame got to him, so he started an affair, then left his wife and 6-week old baby to live with the OW. The whole family is appalled - so he has cut them all out of his life to avoid the shame.
It's a mess. My friend despairs sometimes - he wonders if his children will survive, let alone ever be truly happy.
My advice? Ask CMM to consider how he wants his children to deal with the guilt and shame his daughters will almost inevitably feel when he passes. I think your idea of a journal is an excellent one. He can document there the answers to the questions they haven't asked yet - but most probably will.
Wow - yes, it's that kind of regret on the part of his daughters that I had hoped to avoid - it seems like such a burden to carry forward. Still it's not in my control, I've given them the information they will do what they will with it.
I will work on the journal idea - it's tricky, because I don't want CMM to think I'm assuming he'll die, and he's still pretty healthy right now, but I do want to be prepared with something I could give them if he dies.
I'll also have to research options for legal stuff - if he gives me a legal power of attorney, does that apply after his death to taking possession of his remains? Or will that still have to be next of kin? What if his girls don't claim his remains?
Do you know if CMM has a will, and if so, who the Executor might be? From my meagre knowledge of legalities (especially American ones) I think the Executor makes sure the funeral etc is done but of course the family's wishes must be taken into account.
Not sure what happens if the NOK don't claim a person's remains. There would have to be a policy for that somewhere, as there is for dying intestate. I'm wildly guessing here, but I suspect the equivalent of the Public Trustee would have to wait for a stated NOK to show, and if there wasn't anybody, they'd consider your claim to his remains.
Just catching up on you thread...
Wow, you've taken some huge steps there. And I'm super impressed by your gentleness and compassion.
Also agree with the you've done as much as you could in trying to communicate with his Ds.
I love the journal idea, I really love it. Is his preferred mode of communication written? I'm thinking if not, does it even have to be a written one? Can it be visual? Or maybe record some snippets on some sort of recording device? Include music, outside sounds of the world and time away? Could it be something that you do together? So it's something that you're sharing as well?
Yes I thought about a video journal maybe; that might be even more comforting in the future.
Good point about the will Devvo- I definitely need to find out about that for other reasons. I don't think the will will help with remains though, since they need to be picked up quickly and a will can take some time to go through probate and such.
Still hopeful that he might be able to work out his relationship with at least one of the girls before it comes to that but I definitely need to know how to handle it if they don't work things out.
One thing I fear is that he will die and then the daughters will accuse me of somehow hiding money from them. The truth is he doesn't have much and I expect much of a disability settlement he will be receiving (from a prior work-related accident) will end up being spent before the end of his life. I'm not sure that their perception of him as the good provider that he was has met up with his current reality as I suspect he never wanted to tell them how reduced his circumstances were.
I truly believe you're not a proper grown up until you can see your parents as real people, with all their strengths and weaknesses. CMM's girls are still young and they haven't really had the most functional person in charge of their upbringing. They may end up OK anyway, but I wouldn't be surprised if it takes them a little longer than most to get there.
I think this means the chances of them behaving with grace and maturity are not good. Keep your expectations low.
Yes, Devvo, that's exactly my thought - they're too young to realize their invincible parent might die, and too young to get the shades of gray in terms of who is at fault in the breakdown of the marriage and the financial consequences that ensued. Clearly he hasn't been a perfect parent or they would be warmer; yet I don't see evidence of dealbreakers like abuse. So my fear is the regret they may come to feel when they're older after he dies, and if there is anything I can do that would be helpful when that time comes then I would like to be able to do that.
Had a delicious Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat then saw Bohemian Rhapsody with my kids. Thankful for so many things including the support of this board.
I loved Bohemian Rhapsody, as did S19 when he watched it with me. I never thought a movie about a 70's rock band would ever be family entertainment in 2018, but there you go!
Haha yeah, who would have thought?
Also Amazon Prime has three documentaries on Queen.
Lord, relationships can be hard.
I think, honestly, I have a little PTSD after my exH, a man who was prone to being negative and critical. Me, I'm little miss sunshine most of the time.
None of the men I've dated since my divorce have really been like my exH . And CMM, to his credit, isn't critical of ME the way my ex was. But he's sure critical of others.
And when he's complaining about things - even if it's just the quality of the tomatoes in the Thai fried rice I brought home for dinner - it really reminds me of what it was like living with my ex.
I don't think you can teach someone this age to let things go. And sure, he has plenty of reason to be crabby, having stage 3 lung cancer with a crummy prognosis and all. But sometimes I feel like saying "seriously? You've got a thirteen month median survival and you're going to complain about the tomatoes??!!)
Ok - rant over. Just a reminder that if I'm ever single again I'm going to look for the happiest guy I can find.
Oh kml....I know exactly what you mean! I'm not always little Mary Sunshine, but I try very hard to be as positive as possible and I try to keep the negativity to myself and behind closed doors. But, my XH could find the littlest things to complain about and I just wanted to shake him. I feel your pain!
Just a reminder that if I'm ever single again I'm going to look for the happiest guy I can find.
Being as I think a person who just generally doesn't let things bother them is a good choice. But I may be biased since I like to think that describes me.
I'm not the always happy, cheerful guy but every-day things don't bother me. Things like my now ex-wife running off with the milkman - yeah - that bothered me but I think I'm allowed that. Dealing with hypercritical people or people who refuse to discuss things rationally (my boss) bother me. Things like getting the wrong sandwich or coffee instead of tea don't.
My ex was never critical of me either, but she would complain about what were to me trivial things. You can I think really tell by watching them drive. There was a meme going around a few years ago that we, including the kids found funny. It said "I realized I was an aggressive driver when my 4 yr old yelled "pick a lane @ssh@ole" from the seat in the grocery cart". Yep - described my ex quite well and everyone including her agreed.
A couple of the red flags I've found with my current interest "CL" was going out to a restaurant and hearing "well a place like
this probably won't do that sandwich right" or watching her pick through her fries and looking disappointed at each. When I asked, she said that she wondered how they could get them exactly the right colour but fail in getting the texture right.
The big nail which is why I'm considering drifting away was her going to lunch with her kids at the cafe around the corner from me that I'd recommended. She was disappointed and yes, didn't get really great service. I apologized and she brushed it off as nothing. However later I was talking to the owner and staff - all of whom are friends of mine which CL perhaps didn't realize - and they were not impressed with her at all and thought her quite rude.
Perhaps if she knew that these were my friends it would have been different, but I like to judge people by their actions when they're not being watched. She did let me know at the beginning that she has more than a bit of a temper.
Anyway - hopefully not a thread-jack - just my own observations as I work on "fixing my picker".
You can I think really tell by watching them drive.
Very true. CMM is an impatient driver, not prone to yelling at people but definitely commenting on things other drivers are doing "wrong" and what I consider excess lane changing in pursuit of the fastest route there. To be fair, my Aspie son also comments continuously on what other drivers are doing "wrong" - it's a part of the rigid Asperger's thinking and maybe CMM could be a little bit on the spectrum? He IS a chess nerd, after all. (I do most of the driving now lol).
As for CL - if she can be negative to the staff at a restaurant - DUMP HER. FAST. That's a lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement I wouldn't want to live with.
Totally dont want to pry but how has CMM been doing health wise? Last I remember they were hoping to shrink the tumor to then possibly do surgery. Is that still the progression of things and is it working? Is surgery on the horizon or is he opting not do do that? And what about his daughters? Did he ever respond to the D that texted him? Anything else on that front?
And your son on buprenorhine, how is he doing? Still stable I hope? Has he been making any overtures anout wanting to "get off of this stuff" sadly that is often the case with mostly poor results unless above the age of 30 and stable for one year at the very very least - three years is much more optimal. The longer he stays on the better.
Just curious. Share what you are comfortable with.
Thanks for checking Don.
CMM has his fourth chemo tomorrow. They'll do a PET scan in January to see what kind of progress he's making. Clinically, his oxygen levels have improved but I suspect this is mostly due to his lung finally re-expanding after it collapsed during his biopsy at the end of September. He seems to be coughing up the same amount of thick mucous, maybe a little more, so I'll be surprised if there's a significant improvement on the PET scan, but at least he's not much worse. His tumor markers are not favorable for most of the new drugs (KRAS mutation, the hardest one to target) so an experimental trial will probably be his best chance.
My son had his 27th birthday today - we just finished ribs and cake and ice cream. He's stable on his buprenorphine and I think I've seen some little signs of his mood lifting in the past month or so. He started doing some driving for Postmates again - lousy work but it gave him some spending cash and got him out of the house. Then he started taking some online courses in computer programming - yes! And he asked for a skateboard for his birthday (yeah - exercise!) and a new guitar for Xmas - all good signs of re-engaging in the world. It's a slow process but I expected as much. The other day he was out of town visiting a friend for a couple days and I texted him "love you" and he replied "love you more".
So glad to hear that your son is getting better! It must make you want to do a happy dance when you see these things.
Thinking of you and CMM - I truly hope the Christmas fairy brings a wonderful PET scan.
Had a lovely Xmas eve yesterday with my kids ( the oldest two are at their dad's today). Turkey, stuffing, salad, twice baked potatoes and homemade eggnog cheesecake for desert. A couple of friends over as well and everybody loved their presents. I must say it was one of the nicest Xmases I've had with the kids since the divorce.
The only bummer - CMM had his PET scan done that morning. A panicked call a couple of hours later from the on call doctor's nurse asking if he was short of breath because there was "fluid on his lungs" (presumably an effusion). No, he's not short of breath and his oxygen levels are the best they've been since his lung collapse. But of course now he's worried that the PET scan will show tumor progression. That cast a bit of a pall over the day for him.
Now for a leisurely quiet Xmas day at home, sleeping in, perhaps a movie later.
Merry Christmas to all of you!
Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Sounds like you had a very nice Christmas Eve with your family. The kids are older and I'm sure they recognize and appreciate all that you have done and continue to do for them.
Sorry to hear the CMM got some disturbing news. Hopefully, he will get better news this week.
We got the official radiology reading online. Basically, a pleural effusion ( probably cancerous although might be related to his collapsed lung) and some slight increase in the tumor but no spread outside that lung visible. I imagine they will want to change his meds, this is probably the time to go for a clinical trial so I'll be trying to research that this week.
Well 2018 presented me with some serious challenges, and I expect 2019 will do the same. Still, I've set some additional (good) challenges out for myself.
I've signed up for the Thousand Mile Challenge again with hopes of making it this year (goal is to walk or hike 1,000 miles in the year).
My friend's masterpiece album is being reissued finally in a few months and I need to step up and learn the complicated percussion for that album so that I can play it on tour.
I'll be teaching my peers at a conference in the fall and have been assigned a new topic so have to work up a whole new lecture on that.
I bought a vitamix to make smoothies for CMM and will be aiming for ten servings of fruits and veggies a day myself.
I'll be tightening my budget to get through this next year as my alimony runs out (hopefully the ex will take his early retirement when available in the fall and then my share of his pension will kick in).
Here's hoping everyone has a happy 2019 and that no matter what curve balls life throws you, you can find the silver linings and practice some self care.
Wow, did not realize I had not posted on my own thread for so long.
CMM has started his new chemo, his second treatment will be tomorrow. This is with a new checkpoint inhibitor so the immediate side effects are not nearly as bad (there is a risk, though, of developing autoimmune diseases). Ironically, a musician friend of mine who was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer about the same time as CMM is now starting a checkpoint inhibitor too - except in Mexico, where he's living, they will bring the infusion to his home! Nice!
Life is otherwise stable, I need to get working on some music homework as I have to learn some complicated percussion for the reissue of my friend's album this August - there will be CD release shows and some touring in the fall, hoping that CMM is healthy enough at that time for me to leave.
Continuing my prayers for CMM in his treatment and for you as his caregiver.
How is CMM doing? I am keeping you and CMM in my thoughts and prayers.
Second dose of his new drug was Friday - no real side effects.
I can see he's struggling with the uncertainty - yesterday morning his talk was about how long he has to live (no one can say at this point) and about his desire to end his life if he gets to the point where he's "in diapers". He thought he would have to go to Oregon for this and was unaware that California passed similar legislation recently (although I know little about the ins and outs of the law).
Last night he was talking about looking for work (he was laid off three weeks prior to his diagnosis due to the tariffs) and was circling local tourist things he'd like to do.
He hasn't wanted to join a cancer support group before but it may be time. I can only imagine what it is like to live with such uncertainty about your future - although in reality, none of us know what our own futures hold.
Wow, I've been posting on other threads but didn't realize it'd been so long since I'd posted on mine.
CMM is stable. The new drug (durvalumab, a checkpoint inhibitor-not really a drug but an antibody infusion) is still being well tolerated. He's waking up fewer times at night to cough up the phlegm balls. Was four times a night, now is about twice. I can't say if this is due to the durvalumab or the cromolyn inhalers we imported from England (as they're not sold in the US anymore).
He's also seeing less blood in his sputum, which might be a good sign, and since a test I ran showed he was iron deficient, I'm hoping the iron he's taking now will fix his mild anemia.
We really won't know what effect his treatment is having on his tumor until he gets a PET scan in a couple more months. He is planning a long weekend getaway for us in late March to go to spring training in AZ; it's also his birthday then.
Overall I think we're setting into a period of cancer as a chronic disease. Hopefully he can become one of the subset of patients that are super responders to these treatments, but if not, it still may buy him some significant time with a good quality of life and that's something to celebrated.