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Posted By: Ginger1 Home Sweet Home - 09/29/18 04:41 PM
Previous Thread:

Unlucky in love

Appropriate title I think. And thank you everyone!

Work is in full effect on the house and the contractor has been great. He's going to paint for me too. And he gave a really good price for which my dad will be paying. Movers are coming next Friday morning. It works out well because exH asked me to keep D11 Friday night, so she will get to spend the first night in the house with me. Then my second night I will have someone special spend the night with me smile.


My new guy and I had another great time Thursday night. Today he sent me a meme that said " I can't think of many things more attractive than a beautiful person whose beauty isn't what actually attracts you" He told me he saw that this morning and it perfectly describes how he feels about me. My heart melted. I sent him a picture last night of this big fat worm outside my house and I told him this would be perfect to use as bait he replied "My fishergirl!"

No, I am not going too fast. I am just totally enjoying myself. We can't see each other until next Saturday, so it will be over a week between seeing each other which is good.


Almost all the cheer leaders are camping for girlscouts and there are like 5 left for her squad and the younger squad.s So they decided that D11's squad will cheer for both! She is not happy and I am not happy, because all my mom friends are on the camping trip. So hours at the football field by myself. ANd we have been packing our butts off. Crunch time is here! So stressful, but good stress!
Posted By: bttrfly Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/01/18 10:02 AM
congrats Ginger! Such great news! May your new home be a refuge, shelter, sanctuary, a place filled with love, joy and happiness, where friends and family gather to celebrate and enjoy life's pleasures.

All the very best to you and your girl xoxoxoxoxo
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/01/18 07:28 PM
Awesome house news! I hope you and D11 enjoy many years in your happy home that is just all about the 2 of you. Enjoy!
Posted By: neffer Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/02/18 09:30 AM
Sending my best wishes to you and your D. Great news!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/02/18 02:29 PM
Thanks everyone! Hardwood should be done today and I sneaked a peak and it looks fantastic. I can't wait to see everything come together.

I am freaking exhausted though. Doing this single handedly is killing me. I wish my dad was here. I have movers, but packing and purging and getting other stuff over there is all on me. And I am back to work, although I will be off Thursday and Friday. I am also trying to keep up with the gym and went last night, but I think I have to skip tonight. Too much to do. And I could fall asleep right now.

But I got this handled. My new guy offered to help on Saturday. He's a good egg this one.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/02/18 03:14 PM
Nice G.....where I am from you can get some help pretty quickly if you give them some pizza and a few cases of beer smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/04/18 03:32 PM
Lord help me. Things have been completely nuts. This has been too big of an undertaking on my own. I have having coffee tractor issues (the floor guy) which has been holding up my regular contractor/painter who happens to be great. Either way the movers are coming at 7 am tomorrow morning.

The plus is I decided to finally get my car fixed and since they had no comparable sized SUV rentals they offered me their van since I am moving! They will switch it out tomorrow which is great! So I’m moving as much as I can today. But my new house is kind of a mess and hard to get stuff into. I am praying this all falls together because I am so exhausted.

M and I had an impromptu dinner date last night. It was great. He was going to help me move some stuff but I couldn’t yet. So we just spent time together. Things are just going so great between us. It worries me, I won’t lie. We are doing the normal dating thing and we just click so great. He’s a great guy. Yes, we have had relations, and woah.... but our connection is not revolved around that. It’s just another component that works for us. I can’t keep waiting for the other shoe to drop though. I’m trying to live in moment. So far, it’s working well.

Oh, so, I got the job offer for the second job I interviewed for! I don’t know how good of a decision this is, TBH. I’m scared I’m going to completely burn out. But I need to protect myself. I also don’t want it to interfere with my new R, but it shouldn’t so much.

I keep taking on more than I can handle. I’m just hoping I can truly handle it all
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/04/18 05:07 PM
G.......what do you mean by relations smile It sounds like things are really coming together for you. Congrats!!!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/08/18 12:59 PM
My oh my. I am a pressure cooker waiting to burst! I finally cleaned out my old house which took hours and days, with little no help and it was probably the most physical thing I have done in a long time. And I workout. M helped me Saturday with that and my BFF helped me yesterday. I am cleaned out, but now I have a house with boxes all over and I have no clue where anything is. It's going to take lots of time to sort through. I am supposed ot go this wedding in Maine this weekend, but I need the time to get stuff done. I want to just send a gift, but my cousin (not the one that is getting married) will give me a huge guilt trip.

I take a few days off from work, and I come back to a disaster, and me being blamed for a bunch of things I have no control over. My job is one where everything goes right, you get zero credit, one thing goes wrong (not even in my control) and the ball drops on your head and you get reamed. It is a very toxic work environment here and I want out so bad. I hope this per diem position I am taking becomes full time, because these people are nuts. I am trying to keep my cool and be quiet, but I am close to opening my mouth.

On a good front, things are going quite fantastic between M and I. Saturday he came and helped me, then we went out for dinner and drinks and he stayed over. He came over last night and we just chilled and had some pizza and beer. And other stuff. My friend asks me if we are "official" I said, well, he hasn't asked me to go steady yet, lol. Really, I don't need a label. The only time I think I ever craved a label was when I knew I was being used as a place holder. M's actions show me where he is at. And we are a good place, right where we should be.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/09/18 04:13 PM
So, M has been dealing with some awful stuff regarding custody and his ex. When they can't agree on something, they go through a parenting coordinator. His ex gives him trouble, just to give him trouble. I on the other hand ask my ex if he wants an extra night because the way the schedule is falling it will be over a week of not seeing his daughter. He says "no thanks" Such opposite ends of the spectrum. I feel awful for M though and angry sometimes. How a father wants to be in his son's life and be very active in everything involving his son, and the mom blocks him. Mom will have him for a 10 day vacation and she won't him call. They actual have to go through the parenting coordinator for that. My ex just wasn't anything above and beyond his duty unless he is bringing her to a birthday party or something.

I can't see M until next Tuesday which kind of stinks. But I am going away (which I am trying to get out of) and I have D11 for 9 days straight. he is so understanding, and we stay connected. He really likes ME which feels so nice. He tells me that me just being me makes him so happy. I feel the same way about him. I'm enjoying each day, trying not to look into the future, but not wanting it to end.
Posted By: neffer Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/09/18 06:11 PM
I’m really happy to read your posts G. Really happy!

Sending you and your D a big hug!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/09/18 08:10 PM
So very happy for all of the wonderful things going on for you. Isn't it a great feeling to spend time with someone who just genuinely likes you????? Good for you, G!
Posted By: job Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/09/18 08:27 PM
I am very, very happy to read how life is unfolding for you and your daughter. Love the color of her room! As for the NG, he sounds like a very caring and helpful individual who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty and pitching in when you need help.

Stay positive! Things are really looking up for you!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/10/18 02:12 PM
Thanks everyone! M really is a great guy. He thinks I am a great girl. It works so far. I told him I don't know how to thank him for the help he gives me, and he told me to just keep being the awesome person I am.

The house is going to be a slow go, but it's slowly happening. My friend and I got the kitchen mostly cleaned out last night. She is going to help some more tonight. I really don't want to go this weekend because there is so much to do and I am absolutely exhausted, but I have to do what I have to do. My dad comes tomorrow and he will stay an extra day while I am gone to get some things done for me.

Thanks job! I love the color of her room too! As does she. I don't like the way my color came out and I want hers, lol. She loves it there. I am still kind of getting used to it as my home. I'll get more comfortable as things get put away and I get settled in.

If I can just battle this exhaustion now and things calm down, I'll be good to go.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/11/18 03:15 PM
I've decided to go to the wedding, even though I ain't got time for that! My dad and his wife are finally coming back to get their dog and have hired a handy man to get some stuff done around my house (my dad is a city guy who never lived in a regular house in his life and his motto is "pay the super"). Even though I am leaving on Friday, they will stay and get stuff done. There was a problem installing the dish washer. I also had no clue my gas wasn't hooked up. They are coming to turn it on tomorrow. They are going to get my TV's mounted for me and put a mailbox in and hopefully mow my lawn. It will be of great help, and next week I will just continue to organizer and unload boxes. I am stressing packing because I don't know where anything is!!! I promised D11 I would take her and her BFF indoor skydiving tonight even though I have zero time or energy, but I already cancelled for this past Sunday. She says to me "once you see the look on her face, you'll be so glad you took us" She's so funny.

One thing that has been plaguing me about my new guy. Well, not about him, about me. I seriously have some scars. Things are going great, he leaves me with no anxiety or reasons to doubt, ect. But can't get the thought out of the back of my head that he is going to do what everyone else does and tell me "something just isn't perfect" and want to look for something better. he gives me absolutely no reason to feel that way, so I know it's me. I don't know how to shake the insecurity. It's not changing my behavior or stopping me from enjoying myself, but more like my making me feel like I shouldn't be enjoying myself. But I really am.

Thanks for listening to the ramble.
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/11/18 04:23 PM
What? Wait, woah... Did D11 not just go indoor skydiving a few weeks ago for her birthday? Why on earth does she need to go again already? This is not like going to a movie or something is it? I'd think it's more a one time or once in a great white thing. It sure sounds like this young child totally knows how to play you and get whatever she wants. Sometimes "no" is the correct answer - especially when you have a huge move going on and don't have the time and energy, not to mention the money, for it! You are very very good to that girl and she may well deserve it but she has you so wrapped around her little finger Ginger. Not healthy. SHES A CHILD

I wish I had better comments for your fears but I'm not sure I do. I mean it's not like these fears are unfounded. Sure, not everyone on the planet is going to do what many others have done, but you are fearing what you've had happen over and over again, what you've seen with others, what you've read about constantly here. It would kill anyone's trust. I've said it before, I don't think id be able to do what you are doing after so many disappointments back to back. Although it does get easier with time. Perhaps hoping for the best while remaining prepared for the worst is the way to handle it. It's also another reason to open up slowly and not move too quickly. People suc, it's just a sad fact. They go from telling you how much they enjoy you and later in how much they love you to claiming they never really did. They break up over a text message rather than have a discussion with you - or just ghost you. It's somehow become the norm. Sorry for being such a downer but it's just how i feel and honestly think your fears are not unfounded nor unhealthy. You do have scars. Your response is normal. Now if you and this latest guy had been together for a year or two and you still felt this way I think that would be reason for concern. But you are less than 2 months in - right? I really think it's normal to be vigilant, cautious and go SLOW! That does not mean don't enjoy it, or try to pull back or distance or anything, just try your best to attach slowly and make him continue to prove and show who he is. With time I think your fears will diminish as they should. If you feel this way a year from now, then it's time to address it. For now I think it's very normal.

But the feeling stinks. I felt it with Wild Girl many times only to find out it was unfounded and nothing to worry about - until it was. But you know what, it just has helped me to back off and what's going to happen will happen. You've made it through all of these other guys. What would be one more - if it even happens? If it does you'll be just fine. But in the meantime you're having a great time and already have some great memories to look back on - as do I. Try to focus on that - you are stronger than you think you are - well unless it comes to D11 in which case... Lol.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/11/18 05:33 PM
Don- my ex and I decided to split a package when we took her the first time. The cost was significantly less when we bought it there and D11 is very thoughtful and knew how much her BFF wanted to do this, so we got it as a Christmas gift, only it has to be used in a certain amount of time. It's not about being wrapped around my finger. I already cancelled once and she was understanding. It's already paid for and split. First cancellation was a teaching moment where she would have to be understanding and deal with the disappointment, second time, a teaching moment where I am going to show her to honor her commitments. Inconvenient, but it is what it is. trust me, this kid hears "NO" often.

It is probably reasonable I have these feelings now so I am not surprised when anything does happen. I can't complain about one thing right now between us. The pace we are taking is just right. We don't oversee eachtoher, we aren't introducing to families and friends yet. It's all good. I am always just fine, but I know I am losing the strength to keep starting over.

But I am just going to enjoy myself. I can't wait to see him again on Tuesday.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/11/18 06:50 PM
I know in a man's world they always talk about staying on you purpose and nothing, including females, should get in your way. I think if you keep yourself focused on your D and all the things you love to do or where doing before Mr. Man entered into your life then that should help you navigate trying to keep your feeling and emotions under control. Not overseeing him should also help but I think it is female nature to want to spend as much time together as possible.

It sounds like your doing well!!
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/11/18 06:57 PM
When I learned to ride a dirt bike my friend told me - "don't look where you don't want to go, if you look at the ditch you'll end up in the ditch".

Act self-confident even if you don't feel it yet. Confidence is sexy. Act As If he adores you and you are a goddess. (Which is probably true too.)
Posted By: Coconut Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/14/18 01:47 AM
G,

I gotta say you and your D look so happy at the wedding, I'm happy that you took a minute out of your busy life to enjoy spending time with friends and family, so worth it..

Coconut smile
Posted By: job Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/14/18 01:37 PM
I agree w/Coconut...you and your D looked so happy and beautiful at the wedding. Sometimes we need to take a break from the day to day life and just enjoy a day out. I'm sure everyone was happy to see you both and were happy to share their special day w/you and your D.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/15/18 03:01 PM
Thank you! You re both right, I would have regretted not going. The ride there was pure he!!. over 6 hours and me needing lots and lots of strong coffee. There was so much traffic and I was so tired. But we made it. I actually had not seen this cousin since her first wedding in 2012, lol. But D11 got to meet a lot of family from my mom's side she never met. I am very happy for that. They were all charmed by her maturity. I had lots of lobster which was great, lol. Maine is beautiful, especially this time of the year, and I hope to get back to be a tourist one day. The ride home was much better, 4.5 hours.

My dad and my stepmom are slightly insane, but I am thankful for what they did. My dad doesn't fix or do anything. He grew up in apartments and pays the superintendent. My dad felt bad for being gone, so he hired a handyman service to do a bunch of things at an extraordinary cost that made me cringe. By my dishwasher is installed, my TV's are hung, my stools are put together, my mailbox is in and all the junk from the carpets has been happed away, plaus a few other things. They also contained my mess with boxes a bit. My home is more functional and it was nice to come home to a non-disaster area. However I have no heat and my drier isn't working, so I need to take care of that today. They came and turned on the gas. My stove works, but nothing else.

So, I had my first time of questioning with my new guy. I think it was me though and my time of the month, I am not sure. This is a rough time for him as his S is away and his ex won't let him contact him. He kept himself very busy this weekend with his garage,. We haven't seen eachtoher since last sunday night at which point he was telling me how much he likes spending time with me, how I make him smile, ect. We keep in tough every day with good mornings and good nights. He went to his friend's house Wednesday, and I don't bother him when he is out, but I said goodnight and everything was good.

He got weird on Friday night. Just not his usual self. Wished me safe travels with a kissy face, but something just seemed off. When I was away, he did communicate, but again, something seemed off. I know he was working on his garage from morning to night. He didn't say goodnight last night which was unusual, but I imagined he fell asleep.

I began to get real panicky, which I hate. Trying to figure out if I said or did anything wrong, but I haven't even seen him and we only text. I don't know why I freaked out so much. Maybe because I feel cursed and my gut feelings are always right. But I realize something might be off, but it doesn't mean that it is me. This morning he seems more like himself, and he texted me "Good morning beautiful". We chatted a bit and we do have a date planned for tomorrow. A part of me is waiting for him to tell me "this isn't working" or "something doesn't feel right" which would be a 180 from how he said he was feeling.

I am hoping my gut was just being hormonal, it had nothing to do with me, and we have a great time. Because I do miss him and look forward to seeing him.

Oh, and positive OLD news..... one of my best friends that I had mentioned had moved to FL 2 years ago to make a change in her life hoping to meet someone and begin a family as she is my age and singe. She met someone on POF a year ago down there..... and they got engaged yesterday!!!! He proposed at Magic Kingdom. I am so incredibly happy for her, as I know she wants a family so bad! She deserves all the love in the world. Our other friend and I am going to plan the bachelorette party of a lifetime at a destination. We have all been waiting for this! So, online love really does happen.
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/15/18 05:57 PM
It's been awhile since I've said it but longer time readers here will remember I often used to say, Ginger, you and I are a lot alike. Now even your cycle and Wild Girls seems in sync! LMAO!!!!! I really hear you though when you say:

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I began to get real panicky, which I hate. Trying to figure out if I said or did anything wrong, but I haven't even seen him and we only text. I don't know why I freaked out so much. Maybe because I feel cursed and my gut feelings are always right. But I realize something might be off, but it doesn't mean that it is me.


That's what was happening with me and Wild Girl. Yet we'd talk on the phone or see each other or the next day would come and all would be "normal" again - and I'd think, see Don, it was all in your head STOP IT - until it wasn't all in my head anymore. I don't say that to scare you - I say it in part to trust your gut, but mostly to validate why at least I think it is that we feel this way. We feel this way because that's how it's often gone, that's how it often goes for others, etc. How else would we feel? Even if we do hold firm, say, ya know what, it's his (or her) loss if they bail, etc., but in truth, it really gets old after awhile. Should life really have to be about searching for someone you are interested in, getting to know them, going through all the early stuff, becoming intimate, and then having it blow up or fizzle out three months later so then you just start all over again. What fun is that? When do you get to the comfortable part and to the happily ever after part?

So yes, being hormonal can be a part of it. Although, perhaps is it too much too soon - not only on your part, but I really am talking more now on his. And I ask somewhat more philosophically as that's what I'm struggling with in my sitch now. Is it healthy to be texting every morning and every night when things are still so new? Should you be doing 3 hour telephone conversations three or four times a week? (That's in my case now) Is that good? Something tells me it's not but I'm not sure I can articulate why. You may just have been following what he was doing - or you told him that you like and or need these texts and now he feels obligated? Or he may well just have fallen asleep. If not, it's not the worst thing if he's wanting to back off a little. Don't hold on tighter if he is - let him back off as it might be what he needs. I wish I could tell you how not to be anxious when it happens - but I can't - although if you figure out how not to react like this, please let me know!

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Oh, and positive OLD news..... one of my best friends that I had mentioned had moved to FL 2 years ago to make a change in her life hoping to meet someone and begin a family as she is my age and singe. She met someone on POF a year ago down there..... and they got engaged yesterday!!!!

So, online love really does happen.


Great for them and yes online love really does happen, lottery jackpots really are won and divorces really are busted. Sadly, we just all know how often those things happen versus the other. Without a doubt OLD does pay off for some just like divorce busting works for some and actually restores the M. We've got a couple of them happening on the boards right now. Unfortunately, that's like the 10% of it while most of us sit in the other 90% - that's clearly where I sit. Good for your friend though. Let's hope you tell us all about the wedding in a year or so.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/15/18 06:11 PM
I have a girlfriend of mine who thought her BF was going to dump her because he missed sending 1 good morning text and instead of sending a "how is your day" text he sent a "Have a great day text"......she felt he was being dismissive and was pulling away. So she called me and I stopped her from going all blitzkrieg on him. She was soo jaded and hurt from her past OLD experiences and R's that her guard was up at all times waiting for the slightest thing to happen to cause her to dump a guy so she wouldn't get hurt. When she approached him on her issues the guy was totally taken back, totally surprised by how she felt, and apologized because he didn't think anything of what he was doing. She also commented to me that they do the same thing every day and night with the texting and it has lost it's desired effect.

I would just be patient G and see how the dates go tomorrow.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/15/18 06:59 PM
My guard is always way up. It really is like a PTSD reaction.

I luckily did not approach him at all. He seems to be back to his normal self today. I think he is really struggling without seeing his son. He was very communicative today, he made some cute flirty jokes and everything seems to be a little better. I resisted every urge to address it. I'll see how we are tomorrow night. He even offered to check out why I have no heat in my house when he comes by tomorrow night.

Like Don said, I think the panic is having something seem so good one minute then disappearing without explanation the next really freaks me out. I can't go through these stages repeatedly anymore of dating, getting to know someone, getting comfortable, being intimate and then starting all over. I did tell myself if this doesn't work out, I am taking a whole year off. Celibacy, no dating, nothing. Just me.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/15/18 08:00 PM
Totally get the guard always being up. Been there, done that! I'm glad to see that the new guy is already seeming "back to normal". I hope that continues for you. I'm so glad things seem to be moving in your direction!
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/15/18 10:33 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I did tell myself if this doesn't work out, I am taking a whole year off. Celibacy, no dating, nothing. Just me.


Oh, yeah, that's rich - everyone who believes this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ stand on your head! smile

Sorry my friend, I simply don't believe you - as you've said very similar things in the past and then had your next date scheduled within 10 days. LOL But I do get your point - it's so exhausting having it happen and what's worse, it's now exhausting thinking about it. I've lived it so I do know.

Let's just hope we do not have to test it and in this I'm very serious. See, it's these thoughts in your head that will do you in. I know you don't think it will come across but trust me, it will. It just does. I can sense it and I don't think I'm alone. I sense it to the point that I can't even put it into words. I tried on my thread but it was tough - I can't as much tell you why we get these feelings from women, we just do. I just don't know how to suggest you change it other than acting as if. The fact that you had to use so much self control not to say anything to him tells me it will come through in other ways. Remember somewhere above 80% of communication is NON-VERBAL. So the fact that you didn't SPEAK anything only means 20% of what you are feeling did not get communicated. That may even be that "something is just not right" that you've had a few guys tell you. It's just like me, I struggle to tell you what it is that is not just right, I just somehow feel it. So you've really got to dig deep here and let it go. We most fear things that we cannot control - and we cannot control what other people are going to do. We can influence a bit but not control. If the worst happens and he doesn't back off, you will be okay Ginger. You won't have to stop dating for a year and your world will go on. I mean look at the guys that came before. It sounds like this guy certainly is better for you than at least half of the others - perhaps all of them?

Like Joseph's female friend, rather than reaching out to this new guy - who, by the way seems like we need a name for him - phone or text a friend, tell us here (like you eventually did) just don't bring it up to him. You have to act as if you want to be with him but if not you'll be just fine and will find someone even better. Let that non-verbal come through to him. And if the morning and night texts slow down, it's okay, it's not the end. I can tell you, I'd never be able to keep that up with someone - even if I was really, really into them. Now to me, THAT get's exhausting. But what do I know. LOL

Just enjoy your date - at least you have one. smile And I think your gas lines inside the home might be shut off. In fact, I'm betting that's what it is. Lines have valves so you can remove the appliance, etc. Someone likely turned these valves off and they are still off. Turn them on and I'll be you'll have gas other places.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/15/18 10:54 PM
I think one thing that we all do far far too much is over-think and over-analyze. Wanting to understand and fix is part of what led us all here so it's going against our normal nature.

I do it myself as you all are more than fully aware.

Wouldn't it be nice though if we could just "accept" without understanding?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/16/18 02:11 PM
Andrew, you re absolutely right, I am a fixer and believe there is a solution to every problem if I know what the problem is! Accepting without understanding has taken me years of practice, but I am much better at it.

Don, are you trying to say something about me is needy and clingy? Because I don't think so. Yes, I have insecurities, for sure, but I am far from needy and clingy. Or are you saying there is something just nor right with me to be in a relationship with? You get that vibe too? Please do share if you could put your finger on it, because no one has ever been able to put a finger on it.

I have no clue what vibe I give off, but I am also just a very genuine person who wears her heart on her sleeve. When I try to be anything but, well, that comes across kind of wonky, because it's not me.

The good news is he is back to his normal self completely, so it seems. I think it was a touch of my hormones, because I do become extremely sensitive and insecure at my time of the month. Part was him dealing with stuff and doing stuff. So, all good. Hopefully all will be good tonight. I am learning, and I have been much more relaxed with him. We can call him "M". I often wish I didn't have so many scars. But I do the best I can with them. The right man will understand and love me for me.

So this morning I had another adventure in homeownership. I finally figured which valves were off and why I wasn't getting heat. Unfortunately that caused a flood from the radiator in my bedroom on my brand new hardwood floors. Thank God I went back in my bedroom, I would have come home to a disaster. The plumber stopped in after I left for work and found there was a disconnected pipe in my bedroom. he has stuff to handle but said he would be back and I would have heat tonight. Boy am I leanring a lot, the hard way.

I just want tonight to come. I greatly look forward to spending time with M. It's been a while!
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/16/18 06:18 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Don, are you trying to say something about me is needy and clingy? Because I don't think so. Yes, I have insecurities, for sure, but I am far from needy and clingy. Or are you saying there is something just nor right with me to be in a relationship with? You get that vibe too? Please do share if you could put your finger on it, because no one has ever been able to put a finger on it.

I have no clue what vibe I give off, but I am also just a very genuine person who wears her heart on her sleeve. When I try to be anything but, well, that comes across kind of wonky, because it's not me.


I think you are hitting on some of it on your own. Again, my thoughts and vibes have to be tempered by two things - first I'm getting a "more honest" look because you are sharing very personal things here that I would hope you are not sharing with these new guys. Second, I am viewing it through my prism which I fully admit may be broken - or at least not be typical.

That said, yes I do think the vibe you give off may come across as needy for sure and possibly clingy. I know you don't think so - many of us don't think our vibe comes off like it does. What I think is that, yes you very much do wear your heart on your sleeve - and that right there can come across as needy - I know it does to me - not specifically from you, again just in general. But as time goes on I think those insecurities come through - we know they do in some circumstances that you've told us about. You get panicky when you don't hear from a guy or when he doesn't react like you think he should. You think they don't pick up on this because you don't say anything but trust me, they/we do. I'm sure I've had the very same happen with Wild Girl as she is EXTREMELY aware of all sorts of little things - she's like a pro at it - and I could tell, just by some of the things she'd say to me. I think our insecurities come across and it's just never sexy when they do.

Now, I do not at all think that something is just not right with you to be in an R. I just think you still want it too much and too fast. I really do think you've made good strides forward on curbing that, you really have. But just like you could sense something was off with M, he can sense the same in you. I know for sure that HC did. I'm pretty sure ax man did. It's not bad for you or anyone to want an R. I just think you may want it too much and get panicky when anything happens to throw that into question - which is largely due to what has happened to you. It's a viscous cycle.

But, I have to also say, the more all of this goes on - just life in general - the less I think I know about much of it. You would think it can't be this hard and I don't know why it is. Perhaps the longer we live the more baggage we accumulate and the more it effects us.

And calling him "M" - BORING. I mean from Hot Chocolate, Ax Man, and Mr. Softee to "M" C'mon we can do better than that! smile
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/16/18 06:54 PM
Mr. Man?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/16/18 06:54 PM
Interesting. Because I am none of those things actions wise. I hate to come across as something I am not. I have needs in an R., but am not needy at all. And certainly not clingy. Very interesting.

I am uber sensitive myself to vibes. And they have almost have always been right. I WAS right that something was off with M. I got panicky, because I was like UGH, this is happening again, but I stood back and realized it probably wasn't me. We were only texting, so he never knew how I was feeling.

I want it, but I don't want it fast. I am not looking to have kids, ect. I want it, RIGHT.

Oh, BTW, I found out that Hot Chocolate is a bit of a sociopath. That wasn't me. He wanted to F around. That was it. And it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't scare him away, we just wanted different things. he was on Tinder in no time it turns out, and I caught him in a bunch of lies, as did my cousin. He is a compulsive liar it turns out.

M is good for me. He is normal, not crazy, doesn't have ED. Sparky is already taken, but he could be named that, lol. I could call him Mr. Fixit, because he is so handy?
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/16/18 07:13 PM
It sounds like it all worked out as it should G.....I am glad you are happy with Mr. Man smile
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/16/18 07:32 PM
So, was I right, was it the gas valves that were turned off? Kinda sounds that way. So, um yeah who's Mr. Fix it now? Clearly not me LOL but I think I may have nailed that [obvious] one. LOL

And you may not come across that way in person - I don't know you in person. I do get a bit of that vibe here but I have "Inside" information. Then again, we may think we hide things things, but we really don't.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
M is good for me. He is normal, not crazy, doesn't have ED.


well, but how can you know that already? (other than the ED perhaps) How do you know he is good for you? How do you know he is normal, not crazy? You think he is, you hope he is but if you think you know already - you are kinda making my point.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/17/18 12:39 PM
The water and steam valves were turned off, which I knew. I turned them on, but unfortunately because the flooring people broke a pipe, my bedroom flooded when I turned them on. I am so mad at the flooring company already, and I haven't paid yet and I will be deducting $150 from my payment to pay for the plumber. My house has heat, my dryer works, and everything is good at home. for now, lol.

Had my date. I actually went to pick him up because we were going somewhere closer to his home. It's a popular Irish pub, but like 20 min from my house. We walk someone recognizes me and goes to say hi. When I realize who it is, I look away. My "first" after my ex. He was a guy my ex and I used to play poker with at my cousins house (her BIL's friend). He was easy on the eyes, but dumb as rocks. We had our encounter and that was it. He is now 100 lbs heavier (drinks too much) and just not attractive. Over the pat 10 years he shoots me a FB message trying to ask me out. M saw my face and I gave him a non-detailed description and I said we hooked up 10 years ago once and he messages me every now and then on FB. he saw my discomfort, so he scooted over next to me and put his arm around me because he saw him staring. Awkward!

So, we had a great time at dinner. We talked and talked and laughed. We were talking about snap chat and how neither of us knew how to work it. he pulled his on his phone and we began to play with it and he put some heart filter on and took a selfie of us. Then he took another where he turned and kissed my cheek. He's so cute. We went back to his place after and I stayed the night. Everything was really great. he holds me all night and when he wakes up to move, he always kisses me on the head. I went home this morning and showered after we had coffee and came to work.

Things are as good as ever between us. We were talking about stuff in my house and he knows the wall they removed in D11's room had all the electrical and she has only one outlet now. He said he could run a new line for me, no problem. I told him he is not doing anymore work for me. he said he likes to do it and make me smile. I told him he makes me smile in so many other ways too. He said he wants to have back-up plan just in case. I realize his LL is acts of service. I am trying to temper the balance between him doing so much for me, and him doing what he truly wants to do for me.

We will be spending some time together this weekend. I can't wait. Because I already started giving these days to my new job and I am about to be a very busy chick. But I'll have money! Christmas won't be so bleak after all. I might just be drop dead exhausted.

Something else I realized last night. Whenever the ex knows I am with M, he calls me about something. Last night it was about a rebate on the tires he hooked my dad up with. The last time it was about cheerleading, another time about something else. He rarely calls me though, and we usually text. I just noticed it last night. I know he doesn't want me, but he is the type because of his ego, he probably doesn't want anyone else to have me either. Too bad!

Oh, and Don, I don't know if he is good for me in the long run. I just know he is now and he isn't a waving red flag. I'll take it.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/17/18 02:16 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Oh, and Don, I don't know if he is good for me in the long run. I just know he is now and he isn't a waving red flag. I'll take it.

Sounds good so far - So happy for you.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/17/18 02:20 PM
Good for you G.....live in the moment and take it day by day. I would definitely let him do things for you especially if he is offering and I wouldn't feel bad about it. Maybe you can pay for dinner one night or something to show your appreciation.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/17/18 07:16 PM
Aww, thanks guys! So far so good. On Saturday we are going to a cidery over the border into upstate NY. It's a really cool place, I've been there with D11 to pick pumpkins and apples, but never the cidery. I'm so excited! Who knows where this is going, but I am enjoying the ride!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/17/18 07:32 PM
Wow G....sounds like you are going to be doing nesting smile
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/17/18 07:46 PM
I'm so happy that things are going well for you. I can see that you've been making a conscious effort to try to slow down and not get so invested so soon. It's hard to change who you are - nor should you have to - and hormones are hormones so there's not a lot you can do about that. But you seem to be trying to temper things with this guy - and it seems to be working. So don't revert back to old behavior. That's what can easily happen and you won't even know it. It could have started with the text thing a few days ago but you did a great job of not letting it! Keep that up.

As for him helping you, I know for sure I can give you some insight here. I'm not a handy man, I don't enjoy fixing things or doing things - I just don't. But I will still offer. While I can't remember another good recent example, I'll have to use one with Wild Girl, even though I wish I didn't LOL. But she needed new tires and by her own admission is not good at that kind of thing. She also claims and strongly believes that if a woman goes in she will be taken advantage of. While I'm not sure I agree, it's her thought. Anyhow, her dad was going to help her with it. Fine, no need or interest for me to get involved. Well then her dad didn't' follow through so I thought it would be nice if i offered. Just like you, she rejected my offer. Notice the word I used REJECTED the offer. Now as it turns out, her dad did handle it and did a better job (likely) than I would have, and in her area rather than me going to places near me (45-60 minutes from her). Still, what I took from that is - stay away, I can handle things myself, I don't need nor want your help. I did feel a bit rejected. I'm sure she was looking at it like you - not wanting to take advantage, etc. But be careful here, rejecting his offer to help you may feel to him like you are rejecting him. It may feel like you don't want him that close to be helping with things. It may feel like a rejection of intimacy to him. And it may be just that with you. You are very independent and want to "do it yourself." I don't at all think he will feel taken advantage of. It's taking advantage of him to have him do these things then go out with another guy or pull back from him or not want to see him - but still let him fix things. That's a problem. That would be wrong! This is not. You may be doing damage by not accepting his offer - he's OFFERING. That's different than you asking.

Hope that helps.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/18/18 03:27 PM
Thanks, Don and J. I think I am taking a good comfortable pace. It really is just basically letting everything happen naturally. NO pushing on purpose, not pulling on purpose, just letting things fall where they may. I realize there is one area I pull back from, even though it really hasn't come up yet. Introducing family and friends. I will meet the guys friends and family and spend time with them, no problem, but it is bringing the guy into that part of my life. It scares me. I think because I think it is just going to end and I'll feel foolish. FF didn't like the fact I subconsciously didn't involve him with my friends. He thought it was on purpose and I realized it was subconscious. But we haven't crossed that bridge yet, although my friends and family are anxious to meet him, it isn't happening yet.

As far as letting him do for me..... I at first wondered if he just felt bad for me or felt it was the "right" thing to do. But now I realize he really truly enjoys doing these things for me. So I do let him, and he always gets treated to something or another after. I am glad we are having a nice day date, then he can't work around my house. But maybe sunday, lol. His LL to give are Acts of service and physical touch (yay!) and it is quite compatible.

So next week out puppy is coming. D11 is so incredibly excited. I mean over the moon excited. I know she will take care of him. It's when she is not here and the way I would like to live my life on my own time would get affected. I am trying to get her to bring the dog to her dad's house on his weekends, hahaha! It's a sacrifice and I am happy to give her the experience of having a dog. It's only the 2 of us, and a little extra would be great. I also bought a lawnmower which will be delivered tomorrow and it will be the first time mowing my lawn. I can't wait to decorate the house and put all the little pieces together!
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/18/18 03:35 PM
Just remember G you control the pace not him..................................................
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/22/18 11:28 AM
I had yet another fantastic weekend with my man. Saturday we had a nice lunch at this really cool place on a lake upstate (so beautiful up there this time of the year) then we went to the cidery. I have visited this farm before because it is a popular apple picking place, but I never visited the cidery. It was kind of perfect, we sat outside on this hill on besnches over looking the orchards and enjoyed our ciders. Then we got back to my place around 7:30 and retired to bed early wink and he stayed over. He went home the next morning but came back last night. I made dinner and dessert for us. He stayed over again. We like each other a lot. I may or may not see him Wednesday, but not this upcoming weekend because we both have our kids. But we spend a good amount of time together. We passed by this mountain that he said has a beautiful, yet strenuous hiking train and he asked if I wanted to go and we bring lunch for when we get to the top, where we can see NYC. I told him I am totally down, and hopefully we will be doing that soon. We have lots of fun together and do different stuff.

This week is essentially a He!! week for me. I am doing the job of 2 people this week and we filled up this weekend pretty fast. I got here to work bright and early so I can tackle this. I have to also bring D11 for her shots Friday, and we are getting our dog tomorrow, which she doesn't know yet. I also attempted to mow my lawn yesterday which was kind of a fail, because the mower I bought was small and my lawn is like a jungle because the people before me didn't have it mowed. I got some of it done, but I have to trade in my mower. I've sure got a lot going on, hopefully I won't have a nervous breakdown somewhere along the line. And in 2 weeks, I start some time working on the weekends. Which I guess is good, because this dog is going to be expensive!

I just need to make it through this week somehow without killing anyone. Which might be hard here at work. This place is so awful. My manager doesn't even care I am left to do the whole house myself and offered me no resource or help. She's a b!tch. Oh well, I can only do what I can do.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/23/18 02:25 PM
Just journaling. Work is killing me and all I have had is irate people yelling in my ear today. I have a massive amount of patients and its only me. God forbid the boss asks how I am or if there is anything I need. My back has been in painful spasms all weekend until today, and I want to cry. I am getting a dog tonight and my life is about to change drastically. I also have to make a last minute Halloween costume, bring D11 for shots and checkup Monday morning, drop her at school, go to work, then she has a Halloween party after school and the town halloween get together and she is having her BFF sleep over Friday night. Saturday football game, sunday, can shake outside collecting money in the freezing cold.

Help. Please send Help!!!

Oh, and some crazy fears going through my head. I will not be able to balance a boyfriend, 2 jobs and raising a child and a dog and a house. Everything is happening at once. And yeah Don was right. This guy is important to me, and I don't want to F it up. This is also the first guy where it is healthy, genuinely going well, and no insurmountable obstacles like age and having more kids and distance. But in my head, I still expect it must have an expiration date, because they all have. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it might not. I am living in the moment for the most part and enjoying every moment, but it's that nagging fear that all good things must come to an end.

That's my vent for today. I have to go put out a bunch of fires now. One of the occupational therapists I work with yesterday said to me "Ginger, they couldn't pay me enough to do your job" I responded that they don't!!!
Posted By: Cadet Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/23/18 02:59 PM
As far as relationship advice - since that is what we mostly do here.

My advice is just be honest with him and communicate to him what is going on.

He will likely be fine as long as he knows what is going on.
And he may even help out.
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/23/18 03:03 PM
Hey girl-
Why are you bringing a new dog into your home in the middle of the work/school week? New dogs, whether puppy or adult, need time to acclimate to their new family. It's not a good idea to get a new pet tonight and then both be gone during the day tomorrow. I'd advise waiting until Friday night so you have the weekend to help your pet get acclimated.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/23/18 03:27 PM
Originally Posted by Cadet
As far as relationship advice - since that is what we mostly do here.

My advice is just be honest with him and communicate to him what is going on.

He will likely be fine as long as he knows what is going on.
And he may even help out.


Good advice. We are pretty good at communicating and he is pretty helpful and understanding. I am probably just being my own worst enemy. I manage to make it work, but I guess I just stress on the inside.

KML, as far as the dog, it has to be today for reasons. I understand where you are coming from. But we really don't have a choice. So I will have to make the best of the situation. I hope to go into work later tomorrow and having D11 come home on the bus early. It's not ideal at all, but it is just how it is happening right now.
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/23/18 05:28 PM
If it's a puppy I advise getting someone to puppy sit for a couple of days, They really are like babies.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/24/18 01:37 PM
We now have a new addition to our home, Beanie. he is the absolute cutest dog. He did really well his first night (minus the accident in the hallway) and we played with his for 2 hours this morning and he is very comfortable with us now. It was indeed very hard to leave him, he was sad:( I went to work late, and D11 will be taking the bus home with her bestie so they can take care of him, so he won't be home alone all that long. He was previously though, so he is actually used to it. when I "got the call" that he arrived, it was like going to the hospital to deliver! Maybe scarier. But then we brought him home and it was that motherly love. D11 facetimed her dad and his wife and they were even smitten with him.

My life just got more insane, but filled with much love.
Posted By: TBSakaJ9 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/24/18 02:09 PM
Cool.....I remember when we first got our Golden that just died when he was like 6 weeks old. We had him crated up and he barked all night long, it was so miserable. I finally had to go get him and put him in bed with us just to get some sleep. Before we got the crate we put him in the bathroom during the day with his bed, toys, etc. I came home for lunch to check on him and he had chewed a hole through the dry wall. Fun times smile
Posted By: neffer Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/24/18 02:10 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
We now have a new addition to our home, Beanie. he is the absolute cutest dog. .

You know it G: believe nothing that they say and...


Originally Posted by Ginger1

My life just got more insane, but filled with much love.


Take your time to enjoy it, you deserve it.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/24/18 03:00 PM
Thanks guys! he is a sweetie, but you can tell he is teething, so we got him some good teething toys. He isn't allowed to hang alone near my new floors and freshly painted walls. I tried to barricade him in in an area of my kitchen for the day, but he is a serious escape artist. We ended up having to crate him, but that is what he is used to. M is going to give me a better gate then the one I have. I am anxious, I want to get home to him!

Me and exH's dogs had had puppies right after we got married and moved into our new townhome. We ended up with 4 puppies after an emergency C-section for the dog, 2 died within 2 days, but the other 2 lived and thrived. All the while eating our walls and furniture. It's a trip.

M might come over tonight if he doesn't get out of work too late. My dad's dog is not a fan of him ( well, he isn't a fan of many people) so maybe they will make good friends.
Posted By: job Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/24/18 04:45 PM
Congratulations! Beanie is so adorable and I think you and your daughter will have many years of enjoyment with Beanie. I love the name!
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/24/18 10:40 PM
What kind of puppy did you get?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/25/18 03:01 PM
Thank you! HIs cuteness is overwhelming!

He is a Chihuaua- shih-Tzu mix, although 2 people see terrier in him, which is a possibility somewhere down the line.

Yesterday D11 and her bestie came home and took care of the dog. When I got home, they were in the bed, doing homework, with him in between. They took him the yard and ran home around, then gave him a bath. D11 went with her dad, and M and I were maybe going to hang out, and we did, and he suggested coming by with sushi, so we could love up the dog. The dog certainly loved him. He were trying to potty train him outside. He peed once. Yay! It was an awesome night. I'm glad he made it, because I will not be able to see him until probably later next week. It was nice that after a long day at work, a long commute, he still came to my house to spend time with me, brought me dinner and loved on my dog. Part of me still waits for him to say "something is missing" but I can't live like that, and for now, I'm going to keep loving it.

So, I was a weak puppy mama last night. M left around 11 and I was really tired and had to be up early today. I tried to cage Beanie, but he wouldn't stop crying. So I tried to put him in him favorite blanket by my bed, and he wouldn't stop crying. So, I put him IN my bed and he fell right to sleep. And I loved it. And he loved it. And I hope I am not forming awful habits. D11 wants him to sleep in her bed tonight. He was super energetic and playful this morning, so I took some time him. I put him in the bathroom with a gate for the day. he cried when I was leaving. I hope he is OK. I am getting cameras put in to monitor him from work. And the kid, lol.

The next 2 days are incredibly busy with D11. I am a chauffeur. We are getting a noreaster or something on Saturday and her game was moved to sunday, so I think we will have PJ day on Saturday, play with the dog, bake, and get the house together a little more.

Next weekend I start my new job. Boooooo.
Posted By: job Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/25/18 08:33 PM
Beanie is going to be spoiled rotten! Did he do better today going potty outside?

I love the idea of a "PJ" day on Saturday. We are getting the noreaster tomorrow evening into Saturday. I don't know about you, but I'm just about sick of rain. Would love to have a week of sunshine.

Enjoy Beanie!
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/25/18 09:13 PM
My son's Chihuahua mix sleeps with him - they get cold at night. I never had a dog or cat sleeping in my bed but didn't mind him sleeping with me on the nights my son was gone - he would just creep under the covers to my feet and stay put all night.

Chihuahuas are known for being difficult to potty train (I think because they don't like the cold and also have tiny bladders). Again, I recommend you invest in a dog walker who can come mid-day and take the puppy out to do his business and spend a little play time with him - 6-7 hours is an awfully long time for a puppy to be alone.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/29/18 01:53 PM
I don't even think my dog is any of the mix I was told. But I love him to death regardless. We waited at the Petco vet clinic this weekend for an hour and a half to get his vaccinations. he now has a habit of sleeping in bed with me. I crate him when I go out. He HATES it, and I am so sad to do it, but it is for his own safety. I am going to get someone to come a few times a week to let him out. I went ot work late today and I am going to try to leave early (I deserve it after last week's h@ll week).

Some feelings I need to put out there because I recognize them and I need to acknowledge them. This weekend was the first weekend in a while M had his son. He probably had a text or 2 in the morning and night each day on the weekend, but more when he dropped his S off. He apologized but I told him I completely understand and his attention belongs with this son. He said thanks for understanding. I know logically and what he says is going on, but that anxiety still creeps in. But it's all me. I know this. I can't figure out why a guy would choose me or stay with me, or not get bored with me and want something more. he hasn't texted me yet today and that is unusual for him. And it makes me uncomfortable, but again, ALL ME. When he said goodnight last night he did so with kissy faces and said "good night beautiful. He talks about the next time he sees me, helping me out with something I was purchasing for the home, ect. But I wish my own demons would just go away.

FF's sister posts on her IG story ALOT. I often see FF and his GF. yesterday, the whole family was going out for a dinner including the GF. It still makes me feel bad. I know I should have never even entertained him given our age and place in life difference. I don't miss him. I think I am jealous she is a part of the family, she can be seen that way, and she can be chosen for a long period of time. They will marry, and they should.

I just wish so much I could let go of my insecurities. I have been easily disposable to every guy in my life, including my husband. I don't know how to even feel somewhat secure anymore. And I wish I could say I didn't care, but I do.
Posted By: job Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/29/18 07:16 PM
It doesn't matter what "mix" Beanie is just as long as you love him and he loves you. You can't judge a book by its cover and he certainly is a sweeties from the photos that you have shared. He will adjust to the crate and when you think you can safely leave him alone in the house, then he'll be a happy camper, but until you can trust him, the crate is the best option for now.

You've been burned a few times and I can understand the trust issue that you have going on. "M" sounds like a really nice and considerate man who probably has a lot going on now that his son is back w/his mother. At least he said good night, etc.

As for the FF's sister's posts, Ginger, you've got to find a way to stop looking at those. Those postings and photos aren't doing you a bit of good. They make you question yourself and let me tell you this...you were and are too good for this young man who didn't know a good thing when he had it. He has a lot of growing up to do and leave him to it.

Don't you ever doubt yourself. You've got a lot going for you and "M" knows it!
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/29/18 10:07 PM
I agree with Job that you are in part feeling this way because of what has happened in the past. Feeling this way is not a huge problem as I see it. The problem is your reaction to it. If you stay calm and just shrug it off it won't effect things between the two of you. That's just hard to do. Even if you may think you are "hiding it" he may get the sense that you are needing more from him and that's where trouble can brew. Why do you need to have a text every morning and every evening? And it's more than just liking it or wanting it. If you just liked or wanted it, it would not bother you so much, it's more a need or a have to have. I totally understand it because I was the same way with Wild Girl. As I think back now, we probably should not have gotten into that routine so soon and so deeply. It's hard to sustain to begin with. But if you are used to it for a month or two, a day or two without seems to be a much bigger deal than it really is. WG and I and even this new girl have now settled into a more even flow. Sometimes there is a lot and days in a row, other times it's less. I don't know your guy, I just know me and so long as I want to text every morning and every night it's all good. However if I start to feel pressured or like it's required, that starts to be a turnoff and that's what I fear for you. If a feeling of "something is missing" or "something is off" is to come in, it could be as a result of forcing things. It's great that you see it's you and not him. That's a big deal right there. You should not need him to reassure you everyday. You need to develop that yourself - including, if he doesn't want to freely give it, you can't force him to. Way easier said than done - I totally get it. Plus you're getting to that three month time here - which has been the speed bump area for you in the past. And it's totally natural to care - who wouldn't? I wish I had better advice but hopefully knowing you're not alone and your feelings are not unnatural helps.
Posted By: Coconut Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/29/18 11:55 PM
G, I used to crate my dogs, I always referred to the crate as home, anytime I'd say go home my dogs would go into the crate... It was kinda funny when we bought a new house, every time we'd say home to our friends when talking about our new "house", the dogs would happily go into their crate..

At the time, we had Roxy a chihuahua and Tink a mix from the pound, they would whine when seperated.. After BD Roxy died, I suspect it was from heart worms cause my ex didn't take care of them, I only know that she stopped crating Tink cause she didn't have accidents (I trained Tink but refused to train a new dog (Roxy) and of course my ex didn't)... When I got Tink back I mentioned to my mom that I felt guilty whenever I left for work, but in the infinite wisdom of moms, she told me dogs sleep all day when your gone other than the 5 minutes after you leave and the 5 minutes after you get home..

She was right, don't feel guilty, the crate is a safe space for your dog, she will happily spend time in there waiting for you and your daughter to get home.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/30/18 10:08 AM
I'll echo what C'Nut says. "Many" years ago we had a lab mix that was a sweet dog but a bad choice. He felt of his crate as his safe place. Any time he was in trouble he'd head right there. He had his blanket, toys there and would take treats in to there to eat them.

It was the one place where he was more or less safe from the cats laugh

We had to give him up because like C'Nut my ex refused to train him but left him chained up outside through the day and he almost caught the paperboy. The kids were also scared of him as he was quickly bigger than them and quite bouncy.

"Of course" after being promised for weeks that she would re-home him, it was me that ended up having to do the deed.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 10/30/18 01:40 PM
JOb- I know I really have to work on healing these scars a little better. And as far as FF goes, he has blocked me from everything since he decided to drunk text me and my friend. I see that stuff on his sisters IG when I run through the stories. I think about not looking at any of the stories, but I don't want that much control over me that I change my life that way. It stings for a minute, not because I want him, but because I guess I feel some shame for it even happening in the first place.

Don- I do recognize it is me. But I do not act on my feelings at all. I pressure him in no way at all. I give him the space. Maybe I agonize a little, but he would never know. And you guys are different, he doesn't feel easily pressured. he isn't love avoidant, he has a very open heart, we were actually talking about it yesterday. It's a reason we are a good fit. I don't have a NEED for good morning and goodnight texts. At all. It is more than that. It is the consistency, and when that drops off, due to my own scars, I get a little anxious. When patterns are changed, it makes me uncomfortable. But I understand patterns do change, and he can't maintain that, and nor should he have to. It's going to take some getting used to. It's not a neediness, it's that consistency, like with you and WG.

My ex, despite his assh@leness, was always very consistent. One day he went from calling me everynight I worked around 10pm and wouldn't let me get off the phone without me saying "I love you" to abruptly never saying "I love you" himself. And he ALWAYS said it. Went from one day not being able to keep his hands off of me, to not wanting sex. And that must have been when he made his decision to leave me for OWW.

The good news? Everything seems to be back to "normal" We were texting for 2 hours last night and we made plans to see eachother tonight for a drink. He told me he couldn't wait to see me. I can't wait to see him either. I am understanding him more, and when he needs his space and it has nothing to do with me.

C-Nut and Andrew- I am trying to make his cage his happy place, but OMG, he hates it. he yelps and yelps, turns over the water bowl, and I feel as if I am torturing him. he is also the dog who cries when you simply leave the room. He is under me and my D's feet 24/7. he's a lovebug. I hope he is getting some sleep during the day and really is only the 5 minutes when I leave and before I get home! else I am going to have to come up with a different solution. Because my heart is breaking and I just want to get out of work, because I can't take it.

Today has been awful so far, I am hoping it could only go up from here. We are still working out the morning routine with this dog. D11 has been on a procrastination kick with pretty much everything. So this morning, she had to take out the dog, shower, and didn't put any of her lunch together. She never charged her school Ipad (big no-no) she had all weekend to make corrections on a test, and didn't do it. She doesn't bring me her math test to sign which would give her an extra 3 points automatically. She's slacking, and I can't keep on her for everything. I am stretched too thin myself. Being the only active parent is draining. I had made a comment about her father taking a role in her school and she says "I never see him". He has no clue. All he ever wants to know is if she has her homework done before he gets her on his one night because he doesn't want to deal. I pretty much cut off all screen time during the week, there will be no more procrastinating and lunches will be packed the night before, and shower will be taken.

I was very late for work, there was lots of traffic and team conference was hostile as usual, and I had it, I got up and stormed out when it was done. My door is shut and I am selectively answering the phone. It really stinks that the woman I worked with said she was going to hire the first person she interviewed and that was me because she knew no one would want to come into this. That hurt. I didn't earn this job. I was just the sucker who didn't know what was going down here. It is a toxic environment with everyone trying to go for a position of power with when the new company takes over. They will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat to make you look good. It is grossly toxic and hostile. I have about 2 people I can trust here. I deperateley want out, I am even going to look outside the system. I am dreading coming to work. I got vocal today and people don't expect that from me, so hopefully they will chill the F out.

I might take a mental health day tomorrow.

Sorry for the complaining. I just feel like everything is an uphill battle all the time and I am carrying a heavy backpack on my own.

I can't wait for my drink with M tonight. Much needed.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/01/18 02:17 PM
I took a mental health day from work yesterday only to come back to work Heck. I need to get out of here desperately. I am at the verge of tears before I come to work because it is so bad. Everyone is miserable and angry and mean.

Anyways, M and I went out on Tuesday night and had a great time. I went back to his house and I fell asleep until 3am by accident and had to leave at that time because of the dog. I hated leaving, but it had to be done. We have another date Saturday night. We were having a conversation about my potty mouth around my daughter and how she never repeats anything I say and we were joking, and I said "don't worry, my censorship is pretty good around other people's kids, if I ever meet your son, I'll keep it clean. It led to him saying he never introduced a woman he dated to his son and he heard about different rules and he asked what my take on it was. I basically told him my D has only met 2 guys and I don't put a hard and fast time frame on it, but it should be when both agree that the relationship is going to be longer term rather than shorter term, and the introduction should be slow and neutral. He agreed with my take and we see eye to eye on that. he told me there were non-parents he dated who mentioned on the first date they want to meet his son! I had something along the lines in the conversation of "I think we have a good thing going so far" and he immediately responded with " I think so too" with a kissy face. So, our pace is good, we are on the same page thus far. I think I need to just chill out. We don't really have conversations about what kind of relationships we are looking for ect., I think it is more action driven and unspoken.

I'm going to go apply for jobs now. Before I lose my mind.
Posted By: job Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/01/18 03:04 PM
Get those resumes out there! The job sounds very toxic for you.

Sounds like the pace that you and M are on is slow and steady and you both are appreciating each other's company and communicating very well. Ginger, he sounds like a keeper.

Hang in there! I'm praying that you find another job and very soon!
Posted By: neffer Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/01/18 06:03 PM
And now it seems that my eyes tear when I read Ginger´s updates...I am a disgrace, don´t know what´s happening. I don´t tear...even when Darth Vader passed away I didn´t...
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/02/18 02:34 PM
Hahaha! Thanks guys. I really do feel M is a keeper and I do hope things continue to go in a positive direction. I start my per diem job tomorrow and I think I might have been slightly nuts to take a second job. Trying to keep up with everything is hard enough and now my Saturday is gone. It's only 2 a month so I should survive. The light at the end of the tunnel tomorrow is my dinner date with M.

I can do this!!!! I even went back to the gym last night. I had to go to the later class, but I had to take the time for me. D11 stayed home with the dog. I am going tonight, then I will come home and shower and sleep and work tomorrow.

I need one more of me, like in that movie "multiplicity"
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/06/18 10:16 PM
Hi peeps. Been busy at the new second job. I began on saturday and LOVED it. such easy side money. I began with the day crew monday and i as paired up with someone I was warned about by the per diem nurse I worked with. Well, she was great, she loved me, told me I am a quick study and told the two bosses. The CM I went with today was equally as awesome as was the social worker. They said at the end of the day " you've only been on our unit for a day, but it feels like forever, you fit in with us so well and have such a great personality and pick up so quick! They are all vying for me to take a full time position if one opens up. I love the job there, it's so much different than mine in a good way, and the people are so wonderful and friendly and work together instead of against each other. I dread going back to my full-time job. I'm probably going to cry next monday.

After work saturday, M and I had a date and we went to this really cool moroccan restaurant I hadn't been to in years and he has never been to. It has seating with a belly dancing show and amazing food where you sit on couches. The belly dancer brought his up and he was a good sport! We came back to my house and he stayed the night. The morning was so nice lazing around in bed. At one point we took the dog in bed (he is like dog whisperer with my insane dog) and I had gotten up and looked over and saw him snuggling in my bed with my dog and it made my heart flutter. I made us breakfast, he fixed D11's door for her, and we went our separate was around 11. He has 3 parenting weekends in a row with his vacation and brother's wedding. It'll be difficult, but we figured our what works for us a little in advance and we will see each other this Thursday and next tuesday. Oh, and he told me he still gets giggly and excited when he sees me. That felt good. I'm falling for him. I am trying to really keep my feelings in check not rush anything, but everything is so great. We will see how these next few weeks go with minimally seeing each other, but I think it will be fine.

D11 keeps asking to meet him. More and more now. I am telling her she has to be patient. She knows i really care for him and of course wants to meet the guy I really care for. I am not going to rush it though. I am hoping if things go in a positive direction, maybe we can ease into introductions in the new year.

Nothing more going on. My dad's birthday is this weekend and they are coming down and we are going to the high end steak house in the area. I have off thursday and friday too. I heavily dread going back to the other job on friday. Something happened last week that I don't think I mentioned here. But it pissed off a doctor I work with a great deal and she stood up for me and went to the medical director about the insanity of the other people there and how people shouldn't have done what they did. Such a hostile environment.

Oh, and my dog is insane. I hope he calms down soon. I am getting him obedience classes. He's a puppy, so I know this is the way it is, but man, it's exhausting!
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/06/18 10:31 PM
You learned so much and are doing so well G!!!!!! I mean that in the most positive way. Some people dig in and defend previous decisions while others seem incapable of learning or doing something different. You seem to be doing multiple things different with this guy - including NOT introducing and interjecting D11 into it. By this time with FF she was with him every week if not nearly every day. It's great that you have altered that this time. It all seems to be going really well. I think if things continue to progress that sometime after the holidays would be a good time to slowly interject him or certainly at least introduce him to D11.

You have not yet fallen for him fully it would seem - even you question it. That too is something that is different. While I think it's great and as it should be at this point, I also wonder if that is "something." What I mean by that is while he certainly fits well, etc. it's possible he could be a great guy, fun to spend time with, etc. have all of it there but "something" could still be missing - not for him, BUT FOR YOU! I think only time can tell with that, but you seem to talk differently about him than you have about some of the others. Or perhaps I've just come to know you so well here and the fact that this is not your typical reaction could certainly be huge growth for you - or it could simply be, he's not the "one." I'd most certainly not worry about it now. You'll know in time and that's what this time is all about. But if you find he's not the one and something is missing, that's okay. You can make that decision down the road if that's the right one. Hopefully it will all work out.

Regardless, you seem to be doing so well and have come so far. If only everyone could learn and grow as you have!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/07/18 12:53 AM
Thank you for the compliments, Don. I believe in learning and growing. I absolu tely believe in learning and growing.

What is different this time? A lot of things. The only 2 people I really cared about had complicated circumstances which caused the need for rushing or searching for some sort of security. ExNG lived 2 states away. FF was the age difference and biological clocks.

With M, we are the exact same age, with divorced with one kid, not looking to get remarried, live 15 minutes away from each other and can see each other atlas once a week with our schedules. There is no reason to rush through anything. Life WOULD be easier if he has met D11 because I have her more than he has his S.

However, I don't want to do anything quickly just to make them easier. I want to do them right for us. I DO have strong feelings for him. Long term feelings. But proper relationship long term feelings. I think the difference with the other guys was that while the feelings were strong with them, I knew there was nothing long term.

I am scared. That's not a lie. I am scared because I can see a REAL healthy future. Sometimes, I can;t even believe my own daughter loves me as much as she does, I don't think a guy could possible ever love me enough to have a real healthy future with me. Again, my issues, and something colored by my childhood and my ex husband. But I am working on it!
Posted By: neffer Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/07/18 12:14 PM
Ease your mind and enjoy G!
Posted By: job Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/07/18 02:11 PM
I agree w/neffer. Ginger, it is hard to let go of the baggage we carry around, but there comes a time when we need to store that baggage in the closet up on a shelf. You've come such a long way, endured much heartache and have risen just like the Phoenix. You've worked hard to get where you are today...you owe it to yourself to put that baggage up on the shelf and shut the door on it. You deserve so much more in life and never doubt/question yourself. Be you! Be Happy! Be Positive!

You've purchased a new home and have a new man in your life who is not far away and shares many of the same activities that you do. He is walking a journey very similar to yours, i.e., single parent. Savor the time you spend w/him, savor the time you spend w/your daughter and learn to savor your alone time. The world is your oyster...time to truly let that old baggage go!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/07/18 02:50 PM
Totally agree with neffer and job. Relax! You are doing great and things are going your way. "M" sounds like a great guy and I'm so thrilled for you that you are getting to truly enjoy a mature, adult relationship with someone who is on the same page and in the same place you are.

I would like to emphasize something job said above. In talking about enjoying time with your daughter, time with M, and time alone, I think that is perfect. You give so much to so many so be SURE that you take some time for G and learn to enjoy it. I know it is hard for some people and some people just don't like it, but embrace whatever time to yourself you get to take care of yourself. You are just as important as all the other people and things in your life and if you don't take care of you, you certainly can't take care of anyone else. wink
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/07/18 05:11 PM
Good, he passed the dog test! That's a good sign.

As for your daughter - wait 6 months please. I know it's inconvenient and she's curious about new guy but look at how hard it was on her when she got attached to FF. 6 months seems a reasonable time to wait to make sure this relationship is really going where you think it is.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/07/18 07:42 PM
Ginger - I just wanted to echo what Don said. In the last 2 1/2 years that I've known you, you've grown and matured in a lot of ways. And I can say "matured" 'cuz I'm an old fart compared to you laugh

But I think you know what I mean.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/09/18 04:08 PM
Well, thank you my friends! Growth is always a good thing and we are never done in my opinion. But I do need to drop the past baggage because those outcomes aren't my fate and I don't want to ruin something that is good.

M came over and we had sushi at my house, played with the puppy, talked, and he stayed over. We have never really had an R talk or about what we want for ourselves even as individuals in the future. I think we kind of just on the same exact page and living in the present. Working, raising our kids, and enjoying eachother's company. That's what I like so much about him, he lives in the present and rolls with the punches and makes do with whatever happens. I mean, we talked about when the right time to introduce kids are, but we don't talk about where we are, or where we are going. And I think that is normal and ok for 2 months. We makes plans together for the future. We talk as if no one is going anywhere anytime soon. We talked about introducing our dogs, lol. We are going to take them to the dog park one day to introduce them so they don't get territorial. I just don't know what we "should" be discussing now or no, but I don't feel the need to. I do hope I can meet his friends one day, I do hope people do know about me. I care about him a lot.

I think I do enjoy the different part of my life. My time with him, my time with D, and my time with me. I enjoy my gym when I do get to go. I am making more of an effort to do so, although things have been so crazy. Last Sunday when he left around 11am, I spent the rest of the day relaxing and shopping for my home. My "me" time sees like it's going to be spent at my extra job. I seriously do need the money. So much I want to do in my home. I haven't seen my friends in a long time, because we all have been busy. But we are the kind of friends who still check in and even if we can't see eachother, we understand we all have stuff going in our lives.

Tomorrow is my dad's Bday and we are going out to dinner and they will spend the night.

I had a wonderful time at the new job, then got screwed at this current job. My counterpart was dealthy ill this week, but no one found coverage for her and she finally couldn't take it anymore yesterday and is out. She asked me t come in today because she was scared if she didn't find any coverage, it would fall on her. However, it is the job of our crappy manager who doesn't do anything about it. So, I am supposed to be off today, but I agreed to come in for a few hours because I felt guilty. Then I come in here and people ask what the heck am I doing here. I can't win! So I doing some things, then going home. This is BS. I seriously dread coming here. I'll be leaving shortly.

I look forward to a weekend of family. next weekend I am working the whole weekend. I will be reclaiming today's time the day before thanksgiving.

House is good, dog is good, kid is good.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/09/18 04:31 PM
Glad all is well (except the job situation, which stinks for you). Keep on keeping on. I'm glad things are going well for you. You deserve it! Totally agree about growth, by the way.....always room for improvement, I say.
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/09/18 06:08 PM
Two months into a relationship is definitely too early to be asking questions about the future - you should still be just finding out who he is. Now would be a good time though to introduce him to friends and meet some of his friends. That might give you more , important info about who he is.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/10/18 01:25 AM
Something a little off topic that worries me a little today. I was in the kitchen and D11’s phone was charging. I looked over and there was a text from her dad “I’m so round of you. I love you, you are such a smart and loving girl. Be better than me, I know you can”

It freaked me out because it is way out of character and sounded like some sort of suicide note. So put of character in fact, when D11 read it and freaked out and thought someone stole her dad’s phone because that wasn’t like him and she called him. He said he was thinking of her and wanted to tell her. Again, not like him. d11 said “maybe he feels bad for all those times he’s mean to me?”

Anyways, I texted him asking if everything was ok . He said “all is good”

Am I crazy to be worrying ?
Posted By: Cadet Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/10/18 01:50 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
d11 said “maybe he feels bad for all those times he’s mean to me?”

I think she may be on to something.

Maybe a little remorse in his own way.
Posted By: neffer Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/10/18 01:57 PM
We are not evil all the times. Sometimes our monkeys go to sleep...
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/10/18 02:34 PM
“We” are not evil all the time? I wouldn’t lump yourself in with him, or whoever the “we” you are referring to is.

It was so completely out of character for him it even freaked out his 11 year old daughter and called to make sure he is ok and someone didn’t hijack his phone!

I don’t think my ex is evil. He is missing the empathy chip, but yeah, maybe the monkeys do sleep every now and then and he lets down his guard.

He was like that one other time. The day of the sandhook shootings. He was delirious with fever and he said to me. “ our daughter is the only thing I’ve ever done right in my life”

At time, I think he regrets the path he went on. He’s pretty much spending 3/4 of his life without his daughter.

I was honestly worried. I don’t hate him. He is the father of my daughter. They are closing on their first housentogethwr aa a family on Tuesday. I’m sure he is excited and fine
Posted By: Cadet Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/10/18 02:54 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I don’t hate him.
He is the father of my daughter.


You realize this makes total sense, if we hate our exes then that means we hate half of our children.
Genetics would not like that.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/10/18 03:44 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I don’t think my ex is evil. He is missing the empathy chip, but yeah, maybe the monkeys do sleep every now and then and he lets down his guard.
I don't think that my ex is evil either. She has however deliberately done things that I regard as evil out of her own selfishness.

I don't hate her either. I am and probably always will be angry with her. But the fire of that has faded substantially over time.

It is perhaps easier for those of us with "vanishers". There is no foreseeable circumstance where I would be obliged to communicate with her. As you know, I do get the itch from time to time.

Does she recognize the scope of what she did? Perhaps like your ex from moment to moment. She's so very quiet though that I have no way of knowing. I do still fear her showing up on my doorstep like Jack once described. Broken and disheveled. But I'm also pretty confident that her struggles haven't broken her.

Being the people we are, people who in many ways have been broken by those who we cared for so much, it is natural for us to feel empathy for our former partners. And to want to help those we have empathy for. But they aren't ours to save any more.
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/11/18 04:46 PM
Lolol - it's a sad comment on our exes that such a note triggers thoughts of their impending suicide. I'd probably think the same thing if my ex texted anything like that. Ok, maybe not if he said it to the kids. But if he ever sent anything to ME apologizing for what he did, I'd be calling the police for a welfare check for sure!!!!
Posted By: Cadet Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/12/18 01:42 PM
Originally Posted by kml
But if he ever sent anything to ME apologizing for what he did, I'd be calling the police for a welfare check for sure!!!!

But KML you do know that the above is part of the MLC script.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/12/18 02:20 PM
If my ex apologized to me, I would have called the authorities! I imagine if he ever did, that would be something he did at the end of life, but I am pretty sure he is taking any apologies to the grave. As far as I know, he is alive and well. I guess some humanity peaks through once in a very blue moon, and I couldn't be happier it was geared towards our daughter.

I had a very nice expensive weekend. We celebrated my dad's birthday, went to the movies, shopped, etc.. Now I am on 9 days of work in a row, most of them short-handed. I just keep focusing on that paycheck.


I was doing laundry yesterday and I found a man's t shirt I didn't recognize. I asked M if it was his, and he said "nope, that's some other dude's". I said the only other possible dude was my dad who throws his clothes in my landry and has a drawer here. I said "I know you were joking, but I wanted to let you know you are the only dude in my life and the only one I want here". He sent me some smiling emoji faces. I said "I hope you feel the same way about me" He texted back "I definitely do". I hate that for the next few weeks we will barely see each other but it is what it is. If we get together tomorrow night for a bit, it will be the last for almost 2 weeks. Part of me wonders if his family asks him at the wedding if he is seeing anyone special if he would say yes. I hope I am not a secret.

Anyways, I will definitely be more than occupied with work.
Posted By: neffer Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/12/18 03:33 PM
Yes, better be working than mind reading wink
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/13/18 02:43 PM
I am going to lay off the mind reading and realize that in the next week, I probably won't even hearing from him. He leaves for the wedding Thursday, will be gone all weekend and is off through thanksgiving. He is the best man, has his son at the wedding, etc. So I expect we will be out of contact. And I am okay with that. We are going to see each other for the last time for a little while tonight. I am sad, I am going to miss him. He is on the lake committee in his lake community and he was telling me about his meeting and next year there will be actual swimming. He said "Maybe I'll take you as a guest" I said "I would love that if you will have me" and he said "of course I would!" So, perhaps he sees us being together in the summer? Ahhhh, mindreading again! I am sure we all have these thoughts though when we are dating someone. Things remain to be good. I am going to enjoy the good.

On another note, and this is just a vent. I had a minor anxiety attack this morning at work. In the privacy of my office. I don't even have anxiety. Being here brings me to tears, I hate it so much. I am all alone and so much is expected of me. My Biotch boss sees me this morning, hasn't tried to get me any coverage, doesn't ask if I need help or how I am holding up, or maybe thank me for working like this. She only knows how to jump on me when something is wrong. It is the most toxic defeating environment ever. After getting a taste of the other hospital and acute care, I want out even more.

While things are looking positive, house, boyfriend, etc. My eating has been garbage because of lack of time and stress, I am only getting to the gym once or twice a week, and I feel absolutely gross. I have so much going on and am having a really hard time keeping up. My self care has gone down the tubes. I need my health back, I need to make more time to do the things I enjoy without guilt. I really wanted to go to the gym last night, but I got home late from work, D11 had been home alone, she needed help with school, she needed dinner, and she begged me not to leave her alone again. So no gym. I ordered in dinner (pizza/pasta/chicken fingers special) so I felt gross. I felt guilty and meal prepped for a few days. I also ordered meals from this place called kettlebell kitchen that delivers to your gym healthy premade meals. I am trying to make my life a little easier, while not spending too much money and being healthy.

And I have rambled on enough. better get back to work and all the people harassing me.
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/13/18 09:53 PM
I tried to post a response and comment to this three times yesterday but all three times my computer froze and crashed. I sent Ginger a PM saying I think God's trying to tell me to keep my big mouth shut! But in all fairness, I'm having HUGE problems with that computer (it's a 2009 PC so time to replace it) so it's likely not divine intervention. Then I see Ginger sort of doubled down so I'm on a different computer. If this one crashes it really is a sign. If not you'll all be reading what I have to say.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I said "I know you were joking, but I wanted to let you know you are the only dude in my life and the only one I want here". He sent me some smiling emoji faces. I said "I hope you feel the same way about me"


I cringed when I first read this - which is why I tried three times to comment. Letting him know he's the only dude in your life at this point is not a problem as I see it. It's been somewhere between two and three months so really no harm there and it's reassuring to the guy. Saying he's the only one that you want there - okay that's a step further but still not a huge concern. But then for some reason his emoji response wasn't good enough so you pretty much forced him to do better and to reassure you with "I hope you feel the same way about me." That's where I cringed. I now wish I would have gotten that post up because you doubled down today.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
He said "Maybe I'll take you as a guest" I said "I would love that if you will have me" .


If you will have me? Again, "reassure me that you really will want me as a guest." Ginger STOP IT! We've talked about your insecurities, which you acknowledge. However, you said that you're not saying or doing anything to let him in on it. Well, clearly oh yes you are. And there is no reason to. It's anything but attractive. If he's not yet, he soon will start picking up on your need for somewhat constant reassurance - whether it's a morning or goodnight text or it's that you're the only one or that he's thinking of you or that he will want to see you. I know that's what you are thinking but it's not going to help your cause. The "What we fear we create" really has truth to it and it's just downright not sexy or attractive.

The fact that you won't see him or may not see him now will likely make this worse. PLEASE DON'T LET IT!!! Take this time to reconnect with your girlfriends. Work on your house. Do things with D11 or all of the above. It's only been a couple of months to be missing him sooooo much that it will effect you this much. Now, I also know what time of the month it is - OMG is that not a commentary in and of itself that I know your cycle LMAO but I'm sure this is making it even worse. You've got to get a handle on this. You are worthy of him. He is lucky to have someone like you. You don't need to essentially be asking "do you like me, do you, do you? did you miss me, have you missed me?" I know your'e not saying that but it very well could come across that way with the way you are wording things.

DEEP BREATH. If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be. You fearing it won't make it better. Act as if he's perfectly content with you - because he very likely is! Whether she believed it or not (and it's looking like she did) wild girl was very self confident saying "Go ahead and date someone else, goodbye, I'll find someone". Now there was context to it but look at the contrast of her attitude versus you're the only guy and I hope you want me. She even tells her D17 this - that there are plenty of guys out there that want to date you. Yes, you again think you've found a good one, but you've sorta felt that way with several guys this year. Get it in your head - act as if - draw every bit of confidence you can muster - but above all, don't beg him for affirmation or even bait or lay the groundwork for it. He's likely not going anywhere unless you become unattractive and needy to him - then he may. Don't let that happen! When he says "Maybe I'll take you as a guest" your response should be more like "if you're lucky, yes you maybe will" - and never "If you'll have me" See my point? See the difference?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/14/18 02:06 PM
Don, you crack me up some times. I do really appreciate sharing your guy point of view, but I don't think I said anything that unattractive. Neither does he. And I will explain that. Yes, on the first comment, I did want some confirmation that we are on the same page that we are dating exclusively. Reasonable I think. And it was left at that. No detailed relationship talks, a text exchange that verified we are only seeing eachother and that's where our interest lies. I do think he was making joke about the other dude's t shirt, but it wasn't so much a joke as him wanting some confirmation also.

In the second exchange we were not talking seriously. He was the one joking around in the sense of "If you are lucky, I'll take you as a guest" so I went even more sarcastic on him. It was a sarcastic exchange, not a serious "I would love that if you would have me" But we did talk about going to the lake after. But that wasn't a insecure text, that was us joking around. I really am not like that with him at all. I never talk about "us" that was the most I have ever done, I don't ever beg for affirmation. It's shown in his actions all the time. The affirmation I did need, however, that we were not dating other people and the intention is to date exclusively. That shouldn't go assumed, especially when you are sexually active.

That being said, I do know my questions can't scare him off that much. We went out for a drink last night at a local pub/restaurant. we were sitting on the bar side at a table and there was a group sitting on the other side in the restaurant right next to us. They had a cute baby and the baby was making faces at us and we were playing back. All of a sudden he says "let's have a baby!" That caught me off guard a little. He of course backed it up with "just kidding", but was using that into a seguay into the more kids convo. He asked if I would do it again. I was honest and told him how I always wanted more kids, I had hoped to have both by 30 when I was married, then I extended it to 35 when I divorced, and I said here I am at almost 39 with an 11 year old. I told him without a doubt, if I didn't have a kid already, I would want one. We talked about how both of us are on the fence as far as more kids. I know I say, I am done, but when I think about it, I really don't know how done I am in my heart. For guys, at 39, it's young. For women, not so young. It was an interesting conversation. Another kid isn't a deal breaker for him, but I guess he is thinking about it. As a single mom, I can't imagine more kids. I just can't. But when I see it happening with an actual partner, I can't write it off. I spoke to my therapist about this. She said that is absolutely natural. I asked her if I subconsciously think I want another one to make the guy I am with happy, or is there really a desire. We both think it would be a very happy thing in my life with a partner. But we are certainly not at that bridge yet!!!!!

He walked in my door last night and kissed me and hugged me really hard and said "HI baby!" (first pet name use). He stayed over. (FTR, and TMI, he is the best I ever had in bed. and no ED here AT ALL ) We were both sad to part this morning because we know it is going to be a while and he said "I am really going to miss you" We did make plans for December 1st to do something really cool I am excited about. I am just really going to miss him.

Again, I will be busy enough with work. Oh, I got offered a 3rd job, lol. A social worker I used to work with in home care reached out to me. Her mom is started a home health aide business and she needs an RN to do assessments. She said I was the first person she thought of. They have no clients yet, and it would be very part time. I said "sure" I am doing it less for the money, more to help out. Maybe I'll a free five minutes somewhere.

Ohhhhh, and I decided to try to make life easier and use Amazon Prime pantry with delivery from whole foods. They only delivered 2 items from my shopping order. Huge fail. Now I have to fit grocery shopping in my schedule which wasn't there in the first place......
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/14/18 05:08 PM
Quote
(FTR, and TMI, he is the best I ever had in bed. and no ED here AT ALL


WINNER!!!!!
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/14/18 09:46 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Don, you crack me up some times.


Well that's good at least! I really am only trying to give you my perspective. I wish things were far more active here to get a wider perspective but sadly that's no longer the case. Thankfully you crack me up as well - in a good way. smile For example:

Originally Posted by Ginger1
We are going to see each other for the last time for a little while tonight.


For a little while - or, a sex-laden overnight stay that lasted for nearly 12 hours - one of the two LOL. See what I mean about you always seem to get together far more than you think you will. I will go on record right now saying there is no way in hell that you don't see him prior to December 1st. Something will change to make it happen - and that's a good thing!!!!

Originally Posted by Ginger1
In the second exchange we were not talking seriously. He was the one joking around in the sense of "If you are lucky, I'll take you as a guest" so I went even more sarcastic on him.


I pretty much speak sarcasm as a second language... and I'm just not seeing it but I wasn't there. Working just from the written word, my response of "you might get to see me if you're lucky buddy, we will see" is far more sarcastic than "I hope you'll have me." I just don't see any two ways around that but again that's my perspective.

Take it all for what it's worth. My larger point really is that I don't think you have anything to worry about with this guy and coming across as you do is just not attractive - that's all I'm saying. Things are still new so let him chase you some yet. Again, that's my take.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
All of a sudden he says "let's have a baby!" That caught me off guard a little. He of course backed it up with "just kidding"


Wow, I usually worry about you getting ahead of yourself, but, holy cow. Again, I was not there but let's have a baby would certainly freak me out. I can only assume he was kidding in this one. At least let's hope.

Bottom line, I just don't want you to worry and don't think there is even a basis for it. More over, nothing good can come from it. Yes, people freak out and change at the drop of a hat. It's happened to you too many times and to me more than I would like. But fearing it won't help and can possibly make it worse. If he follows in any of the previous guys footsteps you'll handle it just fine - as you have with those guys - amazingly well from what I can tell. I would have thrown in the towel by now yet you kept going and it might be finally paying off. I tend to lean more in that direction than the other!
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/14/18 10:55 PM
Just wanna say, if I had had a baby with every guy who off-handedly said something about wanting to get me knocked up (and mostly didn't mean it) I'd be like that crazy reality tv woman with the 19 kids.

For some guys that's just a fleeting expression of desire, not a realistic want.
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/14/18 11:42 PM
Originally Posted by kml
Just wanna say, if I had had a baby with every guy who off-handedly said something about wanting to get me knocked up (and mostly didn't mean it) I'd be like that crazy reality tv woman with the 19 kids.


More and more I swear I'm feeling like I'm the bizarre guy in the bunch. Guys really say this just like saying hey let's take a weekend trip to Las Vegas? Seriously? What a truly odd thing to say - at least from my perspective - let's have a baby. Maybe it really is me who is not normal.
Posted By: kml Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/15/18 12:13 AM
I'm 62 and guys STILL say they wish they could make a baby with me! Even though that ship has OBVIOUSLY sailed!

I think it's often less about the reality of a child (in fact, almost never) and more about some he-man notion of impregnating a woman, OR some wistful romantic "gee we would have had beautiful kids" kind of thing.

All that being said though, new guy's comment as pretty direct, it's worth paying attention to whether he really is a guy who seriously wants another child.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/15/18 04:37 PM
I was startled by the comment but it didn't scare me. I think we are both at a juncture where we are in these precarious situations and we still wanted more kids but given our age and current circumstances, is it the right move? I know I see a baby and my uterus still skips a beat.

It may come up again. I know that my situation changes my feelings on a having another child. If I am single, I can't picture it. With someone else and a committed partner, I wonder if my fear of having a child older would be less. There are many factors that go into it. I don't know that I have written it off totally.

I have had fear to say it, but me and my friend talked about it last night. She asked if he could be "the one". I told her it is too early on to really determine that, because other factors like meeting kids and family come into play. But the person he is and what we have, I could see him being the one. It's scary and exciting. I could see a future with him. But no reason to rush it.


On a different note, yesterday went horribly, today even worse, my D has an early dismissal for impending snow, I have been worked to the bone and late every night. I plan to leave at 3, but it doesn't look like it is happening. Everyone tells me I look so worn out and I actually took a Xanax to get myself to work today. I cried in the car on the way home from work last night. Then I find out D didn't get done her project she had her friend over for, so her friend had to come back over and they had to finish it last night. I was passing out on the couch and her friend was still here. Then the dog. Oh the dog. My life is spent cleaning up pee in my brand new home. M and I did not talk all day yesterday, so at bedtime I sent him a kiss emoji and a goodnight. he texted back "I wish I really could kiss you goodnight". It brought a smile to my face. I wish he could too. I just have to survive until Wednesday. I can do it.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/16/18 05:07 PM
So, did NJ make national news with how our governor messed up big time with our storm and people were stuck on the roads for hours on end?? I had a 4 and a half hour commute home yesterday! Normally a half hour. I have never seen such a mess in my life. My D was at her friends who live behind us, and the dog was locked in the crate for too long, I had to have her friends dad walk her home so she could take care of the dog. She's been doing good staying home alone, but she was freaking because she was home alone between 6:00 and 8:30. She was fine of course, microwaved some pizza for dinner, watched TV, had heat, but she hated that I wasn't there. It was pure He!! It happened to thousands of people. M was off this week because of the wedding and he loves snow as a big snowboarder. He didn't realize what was going on with the rest of the state. he got soooooo lucky, because in the second half of his work day he often drives into NYC. He would have never gotten home. he was sweet and concerned when he realized what was really going on. He told me if he ever complains about a commute just to smack him, lol.

I came to work late today and it is still insanity here. I have to work this weekend at the other job and I hate leaving my dog in the crate for so long, so our backyard friends are going to come and pay with the dog for a little while I am at work. The best part of the house I found is really the location. To have the house close to the bus stop and trusted friends, we really help each other out when we can and I feel comfortable leaving D11 home knowing they can see my house from their kitchen window.

I have the night to myself tonight after work, and honestly, I am really looking forward to it. I want to fix up the house, relax and watch TV. I need this. My weekend work this week is 11-7. I am hopefully off on Wednesday. I pray my coworker comes back next week, because I can't handle this much anymore.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/19/18 01:18 PM
I am now on day 8 of 9 of work in a row. Again, another lovely weekend of training at my new job. What a wonderful woman I trained with. She went through a divorce a year ago and has one 16 year old and 2 adult children. Her ex was mentally abusive (they are Nigerian, and he still held on to some of the ways of his culture with how men are towards women) she gave up and left after trying for so long. His ego took a hit and he just keeps making her life He!! by turning their kids against her, which he has done, and in the court of law. The other woman is also divorced (for 20 years, and 18 remarried) and we just talked it all out and really helped the one who just couldn't figure out why she gives her ex no trouble but is set on making her life a living Hell. When we left we gave eachother a big hug and I told her to call me whenever she wanted to talk or just hang out. This job is so pleasurable, the people are angels. This weekend didn't kill me, it just prevented me from getting other stuff done. I even did work from the full time job at the part time jib because it's the same system. I have a doctors appointment which was hard to get today causing me to leave work early. I was going to cancel it, but I decided I am going. I have to look out for #1 and they can shove it if they don't like it.

M was away at his wedding and I didn't expect to hear fro, him at all. But he sent me pictures from the rehearsal dinner, and from before the wedding and some after. And he sent me a bathroom selfie which he says he never does, but he likes me. He looked FINE. And he threw a sweet comment on a FB post. I will see him this Friday because the stars aligned. It's our kid weekends, but our ex's have them on Friday this weekend because of how the holiday worked out. Seriously can't wait to see him, I miss him very much. He's even started using a little pet name for me which I think is cute.

Hopefully I get this Wednesday off as planned. I need it. I have lots to do and I am going to a hockey game with the fam bam that night. Can't wait, free food!!! HAHA! And, well, I love hockey although my team is really bad this year.

I am super tired but contented. I'll catch up on everything eventually.
Posted By: DonH Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/19/18 05:56 PM
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I will see him this Friday because the stars aligned. It's our kid weekends, but our ex's have them on Friday this weekend because of how the holiday worked out


LMAO! I told you! Where do I collect my prize? I'm happy for you but just knew it would not be near as long as you thought - it never is, with any of these guys. Glad you'll get to see him - just the next time you are just sure you won't see someone for soooooo long, it's rarely the case. December 1st, lol right, sure. Good for you! Glad to see you happy with a seemingly quality guy.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/20/18 02:31 PM
Thanks Don, he really is a quality guy. I guess all the cr@p I had to weed through paid off. And all the lessons learned the hard way. It is still almost 2 weeks between seeing eachother, but I just cannot wait to see him Friday. We still got our date December 1st though.

today is day 9 of 9 and I am barely making it. It is not fair what they are putting me through here. Our situation is so bad at work, that they actually got our employee assistance to put a counselor on site to speak to. If that doesn't say it, I don't know what does. I can't believe I got myself trapped into this mess, thinking I actually did something good to earn this situation and that it was a great payoff of my furthered degree that got me this spot. Nope, I was the only sucker who didn't know what was going on with this place. I still hope it happened for a reason, to get me into case management so I can secure a decent job.

I am on the verge of tears today, I am so stressed. So much needs to be taken care of at home and I have not an ounce of time. I am off tomorrow and hope to get a lot done before the hockey game.

Did I mention I have another bad pipe flooding into my basement? The plumber is coming back today, which is more money. The good thing is he loves my dog and takes him out of his crate to play when he comes and does work, lol.

I need to get through today in one piece.
Posted By: focus22 Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/20/18 02:54 PM
Sending you all the positive vibes in the world Ginger!
Posted By: job Re: Home Sweet Home - 11/20/18 08:46 PM
I hope everything is okay at home and the plumber can repair the pipe.

As for your job, talk to the counselor. You need to have a safe place to vent and that person is the one you need to go to. I hope that the new year will find you in a better position and much happier in a different environment.

Don't forget to breathe! Tomorrow is another day and should be much better for you since you aren't in the h3ll hole.

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