Prior thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2807877&page=1The last time I was in metaphorical Ravenna I was focused on the river that runs just south of the city to the sea.
I have fond memories of discussions "there" a long time ago with my good friends from here. Altair, Coly, Westo and of course job. I form images of people in my mind based on my impressions of them. In my minds eye, Altair was a petite brunette who was always well dressed, Coly was a perky blonde with a tendency to giggle, Westo was tall with blonde dyed hair and a loud laugh, job a mature slim lady with greying hair who would sip a absinthe and watch the world passing by through clear grey eyes.
I am absolutely positive that I am wrong about much of this, but that was the image that I had in my mind.
Ravenna has much more to offer. I hadn't known then that it used to be the capital of the Roman empire for a time. There is a lot to explore including I am sure some fine cafes and restaurants along with the museums and the general pagentry of masses of humanity busily living.
Perhaps one day I'll go there for real.
I mentioned in my prior thread that this thread marks a pivot in my journey. I have a destination in mind. It will be a good place. One with Joy and perhaps love. I am no longer a lost traveller. I don't know the path but I see the destination.
It is often written that you can't cross the same river twice. I think that to be true. I'll be crossing the Rubicon again eventually as I set my feet on my new path.
But for now, I'm glad to have you all voyaging along with me. I understand that the pastries here are divine.
It might be a productive exercise to read through your last post on the previous thread (or really any post where you are journaling) and count the number of times you "expect" or "suspect" or "think" or attribute motives to others.
My heavens - what a busy week thus far.
I spent Monday and Tuesday at our local plant and found that my job description there seems to have changed dramatically to essentially be "and other duties as required". I've chosen to embrace this and seem to have become for the moment at least that division's go-to person on process and procedure and on finding out what really is going on. The president seemed amused when I told him that how I was getting stuff done was by calling people, letting them complain about him for 20 minutes and then sorting everything out. It's gone well and TBH I'm having more fun than I've had in a long time even though it is a high stress, high stakes and complex situation that requires me to think on my feet and communicate clearly and concisely and build consensus among people who are similarly stressed.
I had dinner on Tuesday night with a very good friend who invited along another old friend who I haven't seen for probably 20 years. We caught him up on my life and me on his. He's had a number of challenges both health-wise and life-style wise. When we worked together he was an accountant. Now he works at the local grocery store. Not that there's anything wrong with that. A number of choices he made to go off the beaten path to live a life of leisure combined with some health problems have put him where he is now. He seems happy though. His biggest annoyance was that some current health problems are keeping him from playing hockey. I did think a few times though that - "my heavens - we all look so old now".
Both of my dinner companions were very positive about my prospects and I did find myself getting hyped up and excited about how bright my future looked through their eyes.
This morning when waking though, I thought to myself - this is the "up" cycle of the roller-coaster. I need to slow down, look at the reality that is in front of me which isn't nearly as sparkly as the "possible" future and need to also consider less positive possible futures. I hate the down cycle. Hopefully by doing this, I can get to an equilibrium. The wonderful future that I and a number of others have painted in front of me may not happen and I need to be prepared for that as it is on the surface the paved path in front of me at this fork in the road.
One thing that my ex always did was to cut me down when I got too full of myself. I wouldn't call it "grounding", but rather just being negative that I'm not nearly as good at what I do as I think I am. I do need to self-censor myself a bit more though I think. I work hard on remembering that I am "not" the smartest person in the room and that I don't know everything and have a lot to learn. That attitude works well in working with others as I will ask for and listen to their opinions. Having lived around negativity for more than half my life makes it tough when pretty much everyone around me goes on about "wow - you really understand how this all works" and nobody is knocking me down.
So - this will be received positively by those playing the home game - one of the ladies I work with (WL1) who I am sweet on has "told" me that we are going out for ice cream soon. Not really a "date" but she's getting more and more obvious that she wants to spend time with me. With her ending up on one side of the company and me on the other she's perhaps looking at establishing something before that happens. Of course this could all be in my imagination too but the odds of that keep decreasing. I do quite like her. She is 12 years younger than me, never married - no kids and has a kind heart and a great sense of humour. And yes, she's quite pretty too and I do find her dark ebony complexion exotic. As a co-incidence, like CL, she is also very involved in her church (Anglican).
I've heard little from CL this past week. A couple of brief message exchanges initiated by me. The little she posts on social media and her messages indicates that she's having a good and relaxing time visiting her sister with her kids. I do expect to see her after she gets back and let her know that I'm looking forward to it. I'm pretty sure that I'm not being ghosted, it's just her style I think.
S24 seems to have been in a very good humour for the last few days. He did eat a bit of the cheese his mother gave him - but - it's cheese. We had a talk last night about whether I should add compost to the flower beds before winter or after and we have no clue. Dawn - if you are reading along, I'd appreciate your opinion. I am a lousy composter in that I just dump the little kitchen waste we create into a barrel and then ignore it rather than stirring and seeding it.
Andrew congrats on the work situation!
Whats stopping you from sending a text to WL1 amd asking her to go to a local ice cream parlor witb you?
You seem to have all these women that you show positive interest in(the banker, another work lady) throwing out hints. Why arent you following through?
I've just caught up with your thread here. I have tried to put off reading things here because it reminds me that I'm still in limbo, although a different kind. I don't think there is a board for people whose spouses want nothing to do with them but refuse to follow through on the divorce they keep insisting they want. Oh well.
My, my. Our Andrew is finally getting out there. I'm with the others. I wish you would go out with the flower shop lady. I'm sure CL is quite nice, but, remember, you can't end up with the first person you go out with, unless of course you've also gone out with some other folks.
I'm not really one to listen to though. I have zero interest in going out with anyone ever again. So many books to read, places to visit, and maybe another cat (maybe an orange, Scottish fold, munchkin).
Andrew,
Just MY opinion, based on some scientific knowledge, but wait til spring to put your compost out. In short, compost acts like a slow-release fertilizer, adding nutrients to the soil and plants. You don't want to send plants into their upcoming dormant season (fall and winter) with an abundance of nutrients because you will get a rush of growth that you can't control right before the plant starts to "shut down" for the cold season. It can be damaging to plants. Doesn't usually kill them, but could or at least severely set them back. When asked, I usually suggest that people mulch in late summer/early fall to give an added layer of "insulation" to their landscape, then apply compost in the spring like you would any other commercial fertilizer. Also, I don't necessarily have an issue with your self-described lousy composting, but would caution that mixing it is important as when you don't mix it, you can get pockets that are higher in one certain nutrient and this can create an issue for the plants you do apply it to. Just like with commercial fertilizers, if compost is not properly "cured" it can burn your plants. Hopefully that helps.
Thanks Dawn - that is very helpful. Growing up on a farm we would spread the manure in the fall and the spring - which was when we had access to the fields and wouldn't hurt the crops by driving over them. Less in the fall because the pits weren't as full and we would usually do it between the ground starting to freeze and the heavier snow.
I'll give the smaller 50 gallon barrel kitchen composter (I have a big area surrounded by snow fence I use for leaves and grass etc) a good stir this weekend and then by spring I'll hopefully have the small quantity of quality compost that I'll need for my flowers.
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Hi OneArt - I think that most of this forum is made up of
people whose spouses want nothing to do with them but refuse to follow through on the divorce they keep insisting they want I was certainly one of those for a fair while. I do think that if I'd not pushed at the start of 2017 that she'd probably be happy to have me still in limbo as her Plan B
Everyone seems to think that the flower shop lady and I are destined for each other
No need to print up the invitations for CL and I though just yet. We'll see where that goes. I exchanged a couple of texts with her last night after one too many glasses of wine and double checked them this morning and all is fine. No dick picks. Just a picture of my hot pepper plant which has started fruiting at long last and telling her that I thought she was a pretty amazing person. The last bit was maybe a touch over the top.
I like the looks of the Scottish folds but have pretty much ended up with generic stray foundlings as cats. Perhaps one day you too will look up and around but I fully understand that you've got a big pile of doo-doo in front of you right now blocking your view.
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Thanks for stopping JuJuB. Actually in about 20 minutes WL1 and I will be going for our usual Thursday walk and be stopping for ice cream. She's told me that she's buying as well. Officially this is in exchange for a favour I did her yesterday.
You seem to have all these women that you show positive interest in(the banker, another work lady) throwing out hints. Why arent you following through?
In part I've not followed through because I know myself to be dense and am afraid of giving offense by asking out someone who isn't interested. Vanilla gave me a push on the way by telling me to just say "well you can't blame me for asking" and I had been working up the courage when CL bypassed the queue by asking me.
One of my issues if I were to date WL1 is that it would require some serious time commitments as we live nearly 3 hours apart, working somewhere around 2/3 of the way from me to her. There are also concerns about conflict of interest and such which will be going away in a few months as the corporate merger sorts out and we end up in different but geographically close offices and companies. We'll see where it goes.
Could I have been dating others prior to now? Probably. But until the start of the summer I didn't feel ready. I did do a lot of flirting though.
Happy Friday everyone! Been an interesting and crazy busy week. I wonder what next week has in store for me.
I had another nice walk with WL1 yesterday. We chatted more and she did buy me some ice cream. At one point we ended up in constrained circumstances and I slid behind her and put my arm out - not around her, but hover-hand in that general direction. It seemed very comfortable to both of us I believe. It would have been nice to have moved my arm about 2" forward and I suspect that she would have been fine with that but I chose not to. She has a very busy weekend planned with a Christening and other family / church related stuff going on. Dating her would be complex logistically as we live close to 3 hours apart.
I'll probably send CL a note wishing her safe travels back home later today. I don't know for sure that she is in fact traveling back around now but it's a reasonable assumption. Hopefully we can get together in this coming week. I miss her face and her hugs.
I've been following along somewhat with some of the other posters and their own dating adventures. My heavens - what a difference. I like the direction I've been taking. Slow. Get to know the person, sometimes for years. Make a friend. Yes I probably increase the odds of being friend-zoned, but with a good friend, that's a nice place to be.
Looking at dating transactionally like others just seems weird to me. Evaluating someone, identifying go / no-go quickly and then moving on or "sealing the deal" just is foreign to who I am. I suppose that the structure of OLD encourages that.
I've not actually checked out the OLD sites in any real fashion - mostly just deleting the reminder emails - for a number of weeks. I did stumble across the Facebook profile of one of the few women who I'd been thinking of reaching out to who took her profile down a couple of months ago. She seems nice and I'll try to remember it. It certainly gives me a better view of her as a person than POF did. I'm debating just removing my profiles. They've existed for well over a year and I only had them activated for about 4 days total.
Should be a good weekend. Haircut on Saturday. Oddly, a couple of people I know are wanting to get the exact same haircut as I have. I've been told that my hair is very "George Clooney" - the rest of me - not quite so
My basement door hasn't been closing properly and the jamb had been all hacked up over the last 100 or so years. On Wednesday I cut a dutchman for the biggest hole and filled and patched it smooth. I should be able to put the catch back on and chisel out the holes for the latch in the appropriate spot. The cats will be disappointed as they've been having fun exploring the cellar when we don't latch the door properly.
I doubt I'll be seeing CL on the weekend. She'll be wanting to unwind from her trip assuming that she is coming back for the weekend. And with two teens she's got back to school stuff and probably a bunch of nonsense from her STBX to deal with. I'm still trying to decide if / how to mention to the lady at the flower shop and WL that I've had a date with someone. Doing project work for all these years, I'm used to having to manage people's expectations and part of that is giving them current relevant information. I know that I'm not good at this stuff so I am probably over-thinking it all - something we have all seen me do regularly since forever.
Well. The sun is starting to rise. The year is starting to feel like it is swinging to a close. My morning travel-mug tea is ready. Time for me to face the day.
Why would you need to mention you went out on a date to these people? Just curious. You went on a date. People do it every day
.
It was a date. That's your business. You don't need to let any lady that you spend time with know that. You aren't deceiving anyone. You walk with a coworker. You visit a flower shop and are friendly with the lady. They don't need to know your personal business.
Let CL pursue you a little. You seem to be in the friend zone. If you don't want to hang out there forever, let her come to you a bit.
Ginger,
Be careful giving Andrew any dating advice, you might awaken his inner Dirk Diggler. Today he's a nice Canadian man, tomorrow he'll make Trump look like a choir boy. We'll be hearing about three day orgies with young French women, visits to the clinic for antibiotics and pesticides, and the names of unknown women that have been tattooed on his @ss. Just let him do his thing in his own way; the world will be better for it.
Fine fine, I won't corrupt him. he's still one of the good guys left.
I guess that means I should also not tell him that he should ask out flower shop girl.....
I'm with ginger. She typically gives really good advice. She's just terrible at following her own advice.
but seriously, I don't get this either. Why on earth would you have to tell flower shop girl, or anyone that you've gone out on a date? Why would they need to know nor care? Why would you not ask out any of the other women?
LOL. I'm in the middle of having a tattoo on my arm removed. A "true love knot" that I custom designed about 8 years ago when I thought that forever was a real thing. Lots of money, a fair amount of pain and it will probably be a year before it's all gone from my first session last winter. I don't think I could sit still for one of those on my butt
The other issue with having names tattooed on my @ss is that you need 2 mirrors to check the spelling.
I did have to actually look up the Dirk Diggler reference and I seem to be lacking quite a number of qualifications for the role so I'll pass and continue to be plain old boring and reliable AndrewP. I did actually work in the porn industry in the 1990s - not as an actor though
A retail chain was a client of mine. Demographics played a huge factor in the analysis we did. And no - this has no specific line on my CV. Many people aren't open minded. They did pay their bills on time - a big factor as a free-lancer with a young family.
Also my French is limited to talking about mining, food, beer and "ou est les toilette". Not the sexiest of conversations even if I fake up the accent.
You all are correct in that there really is no reason to "manage expectations" of the other women in my life. No - I'm not going to be asking them out at present. I only have so much "band-width" available and have lots going on beyond dating. Telling them could also muddy waters that are best left clear.
I did hear from CL this morning. She and her kids will probably be coming back home this weekend. We'll see if she's interested in getting together early in the week when I'm in visiting the plant close to her - although she may well be tired and have a lot going on herself. She had been pretty keen on spending time with me before her trip - 2 dates in 3 days. She knows my schedule. I just think she's not the chatting by text kinda gal and don't have the impression at all that I'm being friend-zoned but do know that I'm not in the "boyfriend" zone. Perhaps twilight zone - I'll ask this nice man in a dark suit after he finishes his monologue.
I guess that means I should also not tell him that he should ask out flower shop girl.....
I do worry sometimes that you'll just call the shop and tell her to ask
me I understand that you are pretty good at detective work.
Oh wait, you didn't want us to make that call? Oops.
Andrew, i' m on your side..
I had started a thread here and felt like i did not belong amoung other posters.
There is nothing wrong with being conservative nor is there anything wrong with exploring other avenues.
To me, it is more about how we personally feel .
One way or the other, we need to be clear with the other party on what we are looking for.
I' m old fashion and multi-dates ain' t for me nor do i want to be entangled in such thing. To me, multi-dates is like keeping your options open for someone or something better.. BUT THERE IS ALWAYS something or someone better.
In my opinion, it is a recipe for desaster. Once the glitter fall, what will happen then?
I am a strong beleiver of monogamous relationship. Well being and comfort, for both parties.
Stay true to yourself. It is one of the thing i admire in you!
Awwweee Thanks (((ExquisiteToBe)))
It's nice to be appreciated as an old fashioned guy. I think you've hit the nail on the head as far as my own attitudes.
I like your words - well being and comfort. That is exactly what I hope for in my future. I'm doing pretty well on my own but could do better if it were a shared experience.
We had a fabulous thunderstorm last night with strong lightning right over the house and heavy rain. I hope some of the rain has made it your way to help reduce the fire risk.
I rarely think about my ex much although I did have a piece of the asiago cheese last night as a snack. The storm brought her to mind this morning. I used to say that she when she left that she left a hole shaped like her in my soul. Looking around the kitchen of what used to be the marital home and thinking about her this morning she has no place here. There is no empty place. Not her shape, nor that of another. At least not today.
I did think this morning on "what if" she reached out. The feelings that I had of duty towards her are gone. The fears I had early this year of not being able to resist if she asked for a rescue are gone.
CaliGuy's visit to his thread yesterday got me thinking that it is sad at least looking at it from the outside how their lives have turned out. We, the LBS are thriving being out from their shadow. They appear to keep hunting for the elusive "happiness" that tore them away from us in the first pace and keep not finding it. Pretty much all of the feelings I once had are largely gone. The love and devotion certainly. The fear of being alone. The anger, almost gone. I feel sad for her, living a life that appears to be quite shallow that doesn't have the security and stability that she once had. SIL1 has speculated that it's only a matter of time before OM moves on or that she herself gives up on him as her rescuer. SIL1 did speculate that my ex is grooming another man who seems to be attaching himself to her social media. Dunno - not my circus.
There was a country music song (yep - he's a redneck) on this morning that included the phrase "pay back selfie". I know of people who've done that. I have no urge to do anything like that. I have no idea if S24 has mentioned anything to his mother or not but somehow I think not. From what I understand it is a gut punch to a "wayward" when the BS finds someone new but I have no desire to hurt her, nor to protect her from hurt. I expect that some time in the next year that I'll be identified in association with a lovely lady. My nephew's stag and doe at the end of October is a likely time assuming that CL is still interested in going.
I was always very proud of my ex and was happy to be associated as her Mr. I would also be proud to be associated with any of the women I've mentioned. Not because they are young, beautiful and accomplished, each in their own unique way. But because they are truly nice people. And certainly not as a "pay-back" for the pain that I had to endure.
Well - time to check my work emails, shower and head off for my day. The rain has stopped for now and while there is no rainbow, the sun shows that there is a clear sky above the clouds.
Have a wonderful weekend all.
Your posts overflow peace A! They bring calm to the restless minds. It’s always a pleasure to read them.
Sending you a hug and my best wishes for the weekend.
Andrew,
I'm worried about your eagerness to be in a relationship with CL. You're doing most/all of the heavy lifting. She's not even ready for a relationship. I think this is why others are encouraging you to seek out other women. I agree with those who said there is no reason to tell any of them that you went on a date with someone. I don't understand why you would do that? It would make sense if you were going on dates with them and now entering a relationship with CL, but neither is the case.
Is there a reason you're chasing CL? Even though you know she's not ready for a relationship... she's not even divorced yet! You're making future plans with her and it sounds like you think you'll be with her a year from now.... slow down!!!
Why not go on dates with ladies who are showing you they are interested and available? Even if they don't turn into relationships, they will be experiences that are good to have in life. Ask the ice cream lady to do something else. And ask the flower shop lady out somewhere too! Why not?
♥ dream
I'm glad dream brought this up (again) as I'm seeing the very same things. You are very infatuated with CL - or perhaps with anyone to be your first post D romance. You want to tell everyone - "I went on a date" or "I may have a GF". It's understandable to be sure, but is it good for you? And when i say good for you I mean in all sorts of ways. For one, you are going to scare CL off. But as dream points out, again, she's still married. You've not even kissed this woman yet! Yet you are planning revenge selfies with her.
Again, this is all very natural. It's just not always healthy for the individual feeling and doing it. The problem is, it's really hard to stop this internal dialog, I get that. That's why the best way is to not close the door on others. Just any way possible, I join in with dream - SLOW DOWN!!!!!!!
Dream said exactly what i was getting at. I understand how comfortable it is and how easy it is to connect with a LBS.
But i agree with all the others. She does not sound available for a really long time. But maybe you arent either? Which is ok too.
LOL - Thanks for stopping by dream and Don.
If you are printing off wedding invitations I think you can cancel the order
2 days spent together, 2 dates and a few texts doesn't make a R. Yes, I quite like CL and hope to date her again but at this point that's all I'm expecting. "If" we are still dating at the end of October I'll invite her to the family event. If not, then not. She's practically family already anyway being "technically" my niece and has been to family events for the last few years sometimes with her then husband. Yes - I was overwhelmed at the beginning - pheromones, bright blue eyes and all that sort of stuff. I know those risks well. I had a worse case with my actual rebound relationship over a year ago which I've not talked about here and won't. I knew it wasn't going anywhere and it didn't but enjoyed the ride knowing exactly what horse I was on. It was long-distance and made me feel good about myself even when it ended.
CL has followed a very different path than those of us that end up here. I am no judge of someone else's journey along healing and milestones like a divorce certificate are arbitrary. My guideline was given to me by a very dear friend and I think it apt. She told me that I would know I was healed when I am defined by what is in front of me rather than what is behind. I think that's a safe measure to also apply to others. Part of what I'm doing is listening a lot - something I do naturally anyway having been married for nearly 30 years to a woman who liked to talk. If she's not ready then she's not ready and I'm not going to push things.
When I said that one year from now I expected to be in some sort of relationship, I meant dating someone on a regular basis - perhaps more - perhaps not. Perhaps CL, perhaps one of the other women I've mentioned, perhaps the nice lady I was chatting with today at the bank who has taken over from the other lady I knew there, perhaps the red-head who I've known for a long time that I saw today who S24 has told me that I absolutely certainly should never ever date or perhaps someone who I've not met yet. I don't know who and I'm just taking things one step at a time.. I could be wrong too and not have someone regularly in my life and that's fine too.
I'm not going to multi-date - that's not me. But I will maintain friendships with people who I consider friends and who may or may not become something more.
Thanks for worrying about me though.
Time for me to figure out how to make a salsa. D26 suggested that as a way to use up the extra tomatoes that our neighbours have given us. I also have fresh peppers, onions, a variety of spices that I have no clue how to use and picked up vinegar as I believe that is an ingredient too.
Very sensible
As expected
V
Dream Journal
One of my many issues is that I dream very realistically and have an actual difficulty telling the difference between dreams and reality. Last night was particularly difficult.
I went to bed relatively early thinking to get a good night's sleep. That plan was adjusted by CL (more below) but I still got to sleep early. S24 was rattling around the house, making himself a late supper and doing laundry for several hours and since I'm a light sleeper, his sounds intruded into my sleep.
At one point I was sure I heard his mother's voice. Then around 11:00 I was awoken with what felt like a cat jumping on the bed. Checked, no cat. Then a bit later I felt my ex climb on top of me like she used to and when I acted startled, she cried and asked if she could stay until seven. I woke up in a moment to an empty bed.
Then in the midst of a disturbing dream of S24 rearranging the house I was woken by the sound of the door-bell at 3:00 am. After a short while, in my dream-state I heard S24 walking around, I got up, checked the door of the completely dark and silent house and there was nobody there.
I know that dreams are us processing things so hopefully all of this nonsense is now processed and behind me. S24 is more and more wanting to be on his own I believe and I certainly don't want my ex crawling all over in the middle of the night. She's chosen the life she has and tough noogies if it's not a nice one.
Breakfast with the weekend's salsa for my eggs is currently being cooked. Fresh day started. Feeling rather more tired than the almost 9 hours I was in bed for should have made me.
Late yesterday afternoon I sent CL a message asking how she was faring, letting her know that I was soon done work and suggesting that I knew that she was probably having a crazy nuts day but that at some point when she got her head above water that it would be nice to get together.
No response until I was just getting ready for bed and my phone was on 10% battery and just about to die. With my phone plugged in on the bedside table, we had perhaps one of our longest exchanges thus far. She was indeed having a crappy day mostly because of her STBX and his lawyer and expressed wishes that she that she could just ignore it all and hide in her basement with a bottle of wine and Game of Thrones. Since I have given up on the Princess rescuing gig and since she didn't actually ask for help, I didn't offer any but made sympathetic noises and worked on changing the subject away from her STBX. It sounds like he is in full monster mode damaging his relationship with his teenaged kids who want nothing to do with him now.
I reassured her that what was happening was finite and that I thought she was a tough broad (not the most romantic phrase) who had nothing to fear from any lawyer (her STBX is one as well).
She said that she just wished for a bit of karma - for the universe to do nice things to her for a change.
The gaps between messages increased probably because she was doing mom stuff and after a 5 minute gap, I wished her good-night and got a response 15 minutes later wishing me the same.
No mention of getting together but she's undoubtedly not in a place at the moment to think about that. I'm thinking that perhaps Thursday or Friday that I'll suggest brunch on Sunday or the holiday Monday.
Karma and fate are interesting concepts. I don't believe in them myself, but many people I know do. A friend had an interesting perspective on this past weekend. She suggested that karma and fate are playing a major part in what has happened but not for me, but more in support of CL.
We met just after my ex had left and I was a bit of a mess. She was married and remarked that she found me oddly intriguing. I liked her but didn't think of her either in any sort of connection. The stage was then set. Flash forward and right when she perhaps has need, there I am. A divorced and somewhat healed and certainly available man who she knows and likes what she's seen thus far. Not to toot my own horn too loudly, but I do tick a number of boxes. Financially secure, a known quantity due to common connections, a kind heart, patient, more than a bit of a romantic and completely and absolutely available. From some points of view, I could be indeed have been staged and served up by fate for her.
Ah well - enough of this nonsense for now. Last night's dreams still bother me. I am pretty much guaranteed that my ex will not be knocking on my door or looking for sympathy from me. S24 isn't likely to disassemble all the furniture at least not without asking first. On the other hand, it is quite likely that CL and I will continue to ever so slowly get to know each other. Even if we just become good friends and in fact anyone who would read our messages would see nothing beyond that. And that's going to be a good thing.
Tea is poured. Time for my shower and off to the local plant again for me today. The odds are pretty close to zero that I'll be seeing CL after work but hey - there are other days.
Happy Tuesday all.
Hey Andrew, just try putting some garlic strings at the bed headboard...
Dream Journal...
I know that dreams are us processing things so hopefully all of this nonsense is now processed and behind me...
She said that she just wished for a bit of karma - for the universe to do nice things to her for a change...
Karma and fate are interesting concepts. I don't believe in them myself, but many people I know do...
Andrew,
I was raised in a Christian fundamentalist household; everything in the Bible was believed to be literal. It seemed to me that the fundamentalist concept of god was something akin to Santa Clause on steroids. Naturally, I rejected that stuff and went about my business.
Then, a Canadian guy comes along and disrupts my world. I still don't believe the literal translation of religious teachings, but Jordan Peterson knows how to take the ancient biblical stories and dissect them and then mix the concepts with a little Jung and Nietzsche to provide some really good lessons for living.
I recently watched Peterson's video titled "Biblical Series XV: Joseph and the Coat of Many Colors." Given my distaste for all things religious, I hate to say it, but Peterson's video is very good. He talks about dreams as well as karma of sorts (i.e. when we're the recipient of a cosmic dump, it's the way we deal with it that makes all the difference). You and CL should pour a glass of wine and sit down and watch that video together; I promise you, it's very good.
Thanks Doodler - I'll make a point of checking that out.
We Canadians are natural disruptors what with our politeness and maple syrup.
The C for CL does indeed stand for Christian and she usually goes to church twice a week and is rather devout but doesn't push her faith on others.
I did forget to mention as far as "larger plans" that a large multi-national bought much of the company I work for causing me to be on the short list (I think) for a promotion and relocation to a plant closer to the city where she lives which would also mean a huge improvement in quality of life for me and availability as a partner to someone. As part of that buy-out the conflict of interest I would have had in dating some of the nice ladies I work with would have gone away. CL showed up in my life a week or so before that and jumped the queue. Perhaps when God is driving the bus he doesn't mess around
Then again this all could be a load of horse pucky and so I'll just take the good that has been placed in front of me and be grateful for it.
----------------------------------
neffer - thanks for the idea. There is lots of garlic in the salsa I made but perhaps it's effectiveness wore off by nightfall. Perhaps as suggested before I bait a trap with pink moscato and potato chips which were her past weaknesses and release her in a far off wilderness to roam free and wild.
Just let me find if unicorns feed on damsels so as to know where to release her...
Crazy busy week. The corporate merger looks like it is going ahead this weekend and everyone is in a panic. My to-do list is massive but I think I've got all the critical items taken care of or queued to fall in to place at the appropriate time.
Had another nightmare about my ex on Tuesday night but not since. Phew.
I had a former work colleague who I was sweet on reach out to me just before she moves to south Florida asking to keep in touch with an "if you're ever in Florida look me up". That was nice but not likely to happen.
CL has been messaging me more or less every day at random times, usually later in the evening. Usually short exchanges. She did send me a picture of her new hairstyle which she's not keen on. I told her that I thought it looked pretty nice but preferred her prior style. Her note said that she sent it from her car with the kids. Don't know if they know if I exist or in what context. Mind you, I'm not sure what context she thinks of me in herself. Not a big deal. We're still finding our way I think. My own kids know that I've gone on a couple of dates and with who but that's a different case than having teens who are still working on dealing with their dad storming off.
She's having a crap day today and we are currently chatting I think as part of her avoiding having to deal with it. I suggested she camp out tonight with her kids in a blanket fort to which she responded with pictures of the last one they did which looked pretty amazing. She does deal with things and deal with them competently, but in a very different fashion than me. I'm a planner and organizer. She puts things off and then takes a deep breath and deals with what needs to be dealt with all at once. Since my ex was someone who put things off and never dealt with them at all, that would be a nice change. She's not even suggested that I help her with any of her issues and I've not volunteered. Her personal business is her's to deal with and TBH - I probably wouldn't be a lot of help and she's pretty competent with what is in front of her.
She's got a lot on the go right now and I had been hoping that we could meet on the weekend but that is out as she has other commitments. Maybe after work one day next week but that's doubtful too then the next weekend I'm in Virginia. So it will be a gap of several weeks probably before we see each other in person again.
It is what it is and in some ways this is good. The head-over-heels limerence thing can be a lot of fun but we might have avoided that. And then again maybe not.
With no date this long weekend that means that I've got lots of time to get some stuff done around the house - first weekend of the month cleaning, relax with a beer and a good book and maybe a movie. CL might have time for quick coffee on Tuesday. We'll see.
I did have a nice start to the morning. I recently bought a Google Home speaker to replace an ancient unreliable radio. On a whim after my shower I asked "How do I look" and got a reply of "gorgeous". I'll take that. Then when stopping for a refill for my tea a woman almost walked into me - stopped - said "you look really nice" and then went on. I'll take that too.
There had been a bit of bantering on Facebook about the "stag and doe" for my nephew at the end of October. I made a comment about my lack of date. Perhaps CL will notice that at some point and volunteer. If she doesn't the odds are good that I'll ask her. It's actually located fairly close to where she lives. I'm not sure if I'll pre-book a hotel or plan on driving home. I'll probably play it by ear and check to see what hotels are in an easy distance. Camping out with CL - even in a blanket fort is I am positive not an option even if by the end of October we've gotten closer. Probably would be lots of fun though ....
Anyhoodles - time for me to get back to my lists. On top of everything else we're doing an inventory count too which means that the random questions get even more random.
Heard from CL this morning. She and the kids had a fab time in Niagara "reclaiming it". She did comment that she think that her kids are taking the D a lot harder than they let on. That's good that she's so aware.
My own kids are older and have handled the breakup of their parent's marriage reasonably well I think. But it must be tough especially on teens. When two people marry, they love each other by choice. IMO - that makes it one of the strongest sorts of love. When you love a parent, part of that is the fact that they are a constant in your life. Giving you unconditional love that is part of your soul that nurtures and sustains you. In the case with CL's STBX, he monstered both at his spouse and at his kids. I think the kids, especially her son, really feel the void that has been left. I've not met the kids. They do seem like pretty cool and interesting people.
Continuing on the theme of destiny and whatnot. CL's favourite movie as I may have mentioned in The Princess Bride which I re-watched last night. And as it turns out, I'm a farm boy turned pirate. I've got the boat, cannon and cutlass and everything. I'm starting to wonder if I have any say in what destiny has in mind for me
So many things are lining up.
I was trying to track down an old thread where Jack_Three_Beans had written to me. I still miss him. I wish I'd been able to know the actual person on the other side of the screen. He had written about a MLC'r and them hitting rock bottom and "waking up". He described that they would be a changed person. If I recall - bloated, with new tattoos yadda yadda yadda. Well, my ex got her fresh tattoo a number of months ago and I heard from a friend who goes in to the store my ex works at that she was "as fat as a seal" now.
Not that I want her to knock on my door. Far from it. But it does make me sad that her situation has apparently not gone well for her and that regardless of whether I believe in the concept of MLC or not, she does appear to be continuing to follow the script.
Some change completely, others bring along some of the traits that they picked up during the crisis and others come out just more settled. It all depends upon the person and their issues that needed to be resolved. As for being bloated, stress can "add the pounds", as well as eating (especially fast food and junk food) and drinking. Some become very thin. Just think, many have body piercings and tattoos, etc. that will remind them of what they experienced in La La Land for a long time. Also, they will look at their banking/credit card statements and wonder what happened to all of their funds and then look around at the receipts and the stuff that they have purchased.
Always remember, be thankful that you are not your xw or anyone who is experiencing a crisis. It's not a pleasant trip by any means.
job - you are so very right. I am grateful that I am not walking this path with her.
Hot sticky day here but also the first weekend of the month so house-cleaning is in order. Much sweating has been involved and I actually had to drain out my rubber gloves after.
For giggles, I posted a shirtless but rubber-gloved pic to my SnapChat feed a few minutes ago captioned "topless cleaning - not as sexy as imagined". I got an immediate response from "twenty something" that she really didn't need to see that, but noticed that she looked at it multiple times
so I presume she wasn't "too" offended. I suspect my ex to be lurking on that feed and TBH - I actually look pretty good for a middle-aged somewhat overweight and overly hairy man.
Pick up your eye bleach at the checkout
And no - I didn't send the picture to CL. I hope that I'm silly, not stupid. I have noticed that she's pretty diligent in recent weeks on liking anything I post on the two feeds she does have a connection to me on. As is the red-headed lady S24 tells me that I'm not allowed to date and one of her daughters (who is also a friend).
I noticed recently that I've rediscovered my sense of the surreal. I'm finding more things funny in obscure ways. I don't remember losing that sense but now notice that I've got it back. Odd.
"Fate" continues to conspire. Not sure if for me, or for CL. I was going to re-watch a favourite movie "Amazing Grace". I can't recommend it more highly whether you are a Christian or not it is very impactful. Sadly I loaned my copy to SIL1 in the spring and haven't gotten it back yet so started to watch John Carter. Since CL is a huge fan of The Princess Bride, I thought I would send her a tongue in cheek comment about how Princess Dejah Thoris is more impressive than Princess Buttercup (yes we're both middle-aged). Just as the scene where I thought I'd capture a screen shot was about to come up the power went out in the entire region and stayed out for a couple of hours. Thwarted and perhaps for the best.
As I've said, I'm not a believer in Karma, nor destiny and I am indeed as anyone who has followed me for a while here will attest, I am a slow learner. But heck! And other moderate swear words.
I did text her later about my thoughts on Princesses and received a definitive support of Princess Buttercup.
Well - the house has been dusted, swept, vacuumed and scrubbed from top to bottom except for the cat-boxes. Time to get those started and get my work clothes in to the wash to do my ironing.
I also need to pull out a couple of steaks for Sunday supper for S24 and I. The weather keeps thinking about rain but there's a lot of patches of blue sky so the BBQ might get another run tonight. If it dries up enough I'll hopefully get the grass cut tomorrow. I did get some outside painting done yesterday on the balcony.
I hope everyone else is having a lovely long weekend!
Boiling hot here again today.
The house feels empty today and yes, I feel lonely and at loose ends. Ramblings.
CL is out there - she did the obligatory "like" on yesterday's picture of my broken BBQ early this morning. I had bought the cheapest possible charcoal BBQ probably about 8 or 9 years ago to give that a try instead of propane. I figured if it lasted a year that I would decide on whether to get a nicer one or not. I'll need to decide if I'll replace it this fall or wait until spring. I don't use it very much. The bottom ash catcher fell off just after I got the fire going yesterday so I let it run and the steaks cooked up reasonably nicely. Dinner was fine. Steaks, potatoes, veg and fresh biscuits. Not sure what I'll make today. I don't really feel like making anything and other than Sundays S24 doesn't expect me to cook for him.
CL's not available today as she had mentioned she had other plans - family things she said - and I won't intrude by texting so I'm writing here instead. Pretty much everyone I know will be busy one way or another today. D26's husband just came back to shore a day or so ago so they're preoccupied I'm sure. S24 isn't a "hang out with Dad" kind of guy and he'll probably stay in his air-conditioned room for most of the day. I haven't seen him up yet but did hear him snoring earlier.
I did actually flip through what few pictures CL has up. Sappy I suppose. Looking, it's somewhat easy to tell when her marriage was in trouble as she looked stressed and sad. That went back for a number of years. There is a lovely recent picture of her at a friend's wedding looking happy for her friend but with sadness showing. I certainly can understand that. I did notice that she wore her wedding ring for a fair number of months after she booted her STBX out. I can certainly understand that too. There are still a couple of pictures up of her STBX and she hasn't changed her profile from married. She's not a social media sort despite her apparent stalking of me so there's really nothing to read into that.
I've not looked at the online dating profiles for weeks now. I just checked the folder in my email where the reminders are auto-sorted and just bulk-deleted. I suppose I should take the profiles down and unsubscribe. Not that I have any expectation of a specific relationship with a specific woman with any specific timeline. I know of several women IRL who I could probably date but am happy letting things with CL take whatever course it may for the foreseeable future.
I had been worried on Saturday because I had what I thought was strong angina pain after carrying heavy things around so took it easy then. Only lighter housework. I remembered though yesterday that I had had a very stiff neck a couple of days previously and still have pain down my neck and left arm. I'd be worried if I had any other symptoms. Part of the annoyance of being single is that I don't have anyone to turn to for minor things. I could really use someone right now who would rub my shoulder and neck.
There's an off chance that I'll see CL after work tomorrow for coffee. That would be nice. When I suggested it last week I did say that since it would be the first day of school that I would expect that her kids would want her time.
One thing that I find interesting is how little I am worried about any sort of jealousy or questioning what she's doing with her time. Going through the better part of a year of that with my ex was very stressful. And especially in the later years my trust level kept eroding. I honestly don't know CL well enough to know if I can trust her or not but expect that I can. I do know that I have no hold over her.
Well - I suppose that I should step away from the desk and get some stuff done and spend some time outside. The grass needs to be cut and there's a chance of rain this afternoon.
I have a good book on the go. A semi-speculative history of pre-Columbian Americas called 1491. A very pleasant read courtesy of my local public library.
Feeling better today. Spending time in air-conditioning and accomplishing things undoubtedly helped.
The first day after the corporate buy-out along with the first day of our annual budgeting cycle went surprisingly smoothly. There were a couple of high conflict moments as people were feeling pretty overwhelmed early in the morning but things calmed down reasonably quickly.
I do laugh because the security protocols at the plant I now work at on Mondays and Tuesdays is pretty tight and even after all these years I have to get buzzed in and a couple of times the guys from the control room come over and check to make sure that I'm going where I'm supposed to. I've talked to the foreman about this and we both agree that this is a good practice. A couple of the guys are somewhat lax and have had to have a refresher.
I was unsure on when to reach out to CL about getting together after work. I was feeling a bit blah still and it was also the first day back to school for her kids. I didn't want to seem to be less keen on seeing her though. She texted me after lunch and even though she seemed like she really wanted to get together the concensus was that today was a day better spent with her kids than me. They did have a tough day and she made them a comfort food dinner. Schnitzel and potatoes. I was jealous. I've never tried to make a schnitzel although I do like them. She seemed disappointed when she realized that we won't be able to see each other until next week as the alternate days she suggested - and was knocking down herself because of other commitments that she couldn't fit me in around were also the ones I would be in Virginia for.
So despite being only a few miles from her - getting yet another laser tattoo removal treatment - afterwards I just came home. I'd thought about contacting a buddy who also lives in that city to get together for a beer but figured it was rather short notice.
It should be obvious to her that I am willing to go out of my way to see her but also that I'm undemanding. At least that's what I'm trying to project and is what the reality is (more or less). I am disappointed that the timing doesn't work out easily but we both have fairly busy lives even without trying to find times that they may intersect. She has 100% custody - her STBX shows little interest in the kids and certainly not in having them with him. And a busy professional life, active church life, what appears to be a moderately active social life plus a nut-bar STBX and his lawyer only adds to that. It's surprising that she can find any moments.
I find the cadence of texting with her odd but it makes some sense. I'll get a couple of messages and then there's a gap of 15 or 20 minutes or much more. Sometimes that's all there is even though things hang a bit oddly from time to time. But with work, mom stuff and other stuff that goes on in a busy professional single mother's life that's not a surprise. I do still think that she is interested despite it becoming an almost full month since our last date before we will see each other again.
The low amount of contact does it make it someone harder to get to know her. Some people can have pretty intense conversations via text but I have a tendency to be glib during short exchanges. We'll see where it all goes. She's got a lot on the go right now and I am sure the last thing she needs is a feeling of pressure from outside.
Well - time to get the dishes done. There's not too many although it does look like S24 did make himself at least one meal. He didn't work today and won't tomorrow. The forecast has been calling for heavy rain that hasn't appeared but his boss decided that having his guys down in the current set of ditches in that weather would be not a good choice. I think S24 is starting to get frustrated with his lack of hours and the fact that he cannot see supporting himself on what he makes just yet. He has a lot more confidence in himself than he did before he started working. There are lots of jobs around and if he wanted to he could get in to a number of places. Most of them would require him to drive though.
Arrived safely in Norfolk after an uneventful journey.
I think that for future trips that I'll do the drive down in one day unless I can find some side-adventures. I do like the inexpensive hotel I stay at in Maryland even if the lamp fell off the wall. The desk clerk was very pleasant about it when I reported it as a "not a problem right now but you should get maintenance to look at it". It was interesting in the brief chat we had to notice that this pleasant and outgoing young lady had had a difficult past. From the scars on her arms she had been recently a "cutter" and she mentioned about turning 18 and shaving her waist-length hair off - currently bob-length and bright pink. A lot of people carry pain that we never see and perhaps never look for.
I arrived earlier than expected in Norfolk so did a bit of unsupervised exploring. To my dismay the Virginia Air and Space museum (highly recommended) was closed today for renovations re-opening tomorrow. I'd hoped to pop in to the gift shop unsupervised to browse around. I walked around Hampton and drove around Virginia Beach doing some solo exploring. It did make me both miss and not miss having someone to adventure with. Miss because there was no-one to share the wonder I felt and not-miss because I didn't have to cater to someone else's wants and needs. Hampton is on Tomorrow's plan and so I may be able to pop in there. I've set myself the somewhat silly goal to get a shirt from each NASA facility that I pass by, replacing my now limited supply of shirts as I purged almost all of the "fat guy" shirts I had.
The expected number of crisis / non-crisis at work happened and mostly sorted themselves out by the time I got a data connection to review them. Most people are quite capable when pressed to it. Some. Not quite so much.
I was rather surprised mid-way across Pennsylvania to get a call out of the blue from "20-something". She was letting me know that she wouldn't be moving her excess furniture into my house this weekend - not that I was there nor really cared one way or another. I suggested she tell S24 who was supposed to help. The conversation shifted to CL who it seems that 20S has "creeped on" as far as her limited social media profile is concerned. I did have a laugh because she was upset as it was her opinion was that CL was far far too young for me. The family connection also weirded her out but beyond "it's weird" she had nothing. 20S is a sweet kid although a bit of a bubble-head. I would rely on her opinion of she pointed out any danger signs but considering the number of boyfriends she goes through on a regular basis, I won't be basing too much on her opinions. I did press her a bit and she stopped responding. She sent me a silly Snap-Chat the next day about getting apples from a random person so I expect that she's not bent out of shape about anything.
I did send CL a couple of messages of the "I've arrived safely" sort but with the "tired and turning in" message on them. Not feeling hugely chatty but the impression I got from her responses was that she was interested in my progress and happy to know that my journey has gone smoothly. I think she appreciated the courtesy. She's undoubtedly not expecting to hear much from me on this trip but did tell me that she looks forward to hearing about it when I get back.
The kids (D26 and her H) gave me a very warm welcome with many hugs. I was a bit surprised when we went back to their flat and they made a very nice dinner for me (breaded pork chops and mashed potatoes). Usually we go out for dinner and Dad buys. Being in the same room with her gave me a bit more insight into some things that I don't get on the phone with her. The existence of CL makes her uncomfortable - no big surprise there. I don't think that she's done the lurking that 20S has but the whole "Dad is dating someone" thing has to be complicated for her. As do "ex-wife" jokes which her H laughed at but she didn't. She didn't take offense - I think she just still hasn't processed the fact that her parent's marriage broke up and how it did. The big thing I noticed was a large amount of resentment towards her brother who she (rightly so) probably thinks is getting a pretty easy ride of things. CL and many others have also made a point of telling me that I am from their opinion far too soft on S24. As I told CL when she pressed me on it "I'll stop you when you're wrong". Even S24 very likely things that I'm too soft on him. I wish I knew what to do that fit within my own framework of conduct. Single-parenting, even of an adult child is tough. Mind you, when I was married his mother pushed me to be tough on him but refused to be herself. I do still feel that he will find his way and that the confidence he has gained in the time since he's moved home will help him a lot with that. What is a poppa bird to do when the chick doesn't fly out of the nest when everyone expect it to?
S24 is home looking after the house and critters and I expect no issues. I do have this underlying itch that his mother may well take the opportunity to do another sweep through the house. She has enough sources of information to know that I'm away. Not that there's anything there really to take any more. I'd thought about setting up a camera while I was away but that would show a lack of trust in S24. I did actually ask SIL1 to check and yes, most of the people on "my side" never bothered unfriending my ex so there is good visibility into the social media on both sides and presumably she hears as much about me as I do about her.
I've actually been thinking about the concept of Trust in the last month or so. CL has told me bluntly that she doesn't trust any more. An expected reaction. I told her, and it is the truth, that I trust far too easily but that I am used to being disappointed. Like my father, I think that I want to believe the best in people but having been burned am somewhat cynical about it. Even with immediate family. Perhaps it's because in part that during my marriage I often felt "obliged" to trust that my partner would do x or y but know in my head that it wasn't going to happen. You form scars perhaps. Dunno. If I had the budget for it, a therapist would probably fill lots of notebooks on my ramblings and idiosyncrasies. I am indeed a man of many contradictions but that's just the way I am made.
There is supposedly bad weather blowing in this part of the world in the next few days. If so, my son-in-law may need to head back to his ship as the worst place for a ship to be in bad weather is in a harbour. There's a moral there but I can't quite put my finger on it. He believes that it won't happen at least for a few days. I have a rain-coat and two umbrellas and family who love me so I'll be fine.
On Karma
I had a discussion with a good friend last night about how wonderful my weekend with D26 and her H has been. This was supposed to be a weekend of somewhat bad weather and yes rain has happened.
But - whenever we were thinking of doing something outside, the weather was wonderful. When we changed venues, it rained like the dickens. A couple of times we used our umbrellas which we had in our hands - cuz we're not stupid.
The bit that struck me - and my friend who despite his own opinions that he is destined to h@ll for his sins - is quite devout - goes as follows.
A - If I were to be a man of faith I would imagine that I am being smiled upon. I am very blessed.
F - Yes you are. The fact that you acknowledge it will mean you will have a lot to be thankful for.
Today's adventures included the Virginia Zoological Park - an absolute treasure in central Norfolk. It is well laid out and well run. The animals are given priority but it is a very visitable place for people. When we left the zoo in search of some air-conditioning, the rain bucketed down.
I was a bit surprised when talking to the kids that it seems that I am the only relative on either side that visits them regularly. I am so grateful to them and made sure that they knew it for their gifts of time and love. The plan right now is to visit them again once more before the end of this year and twice next year before D26 moves to San Diego. I hope that the Fates continue to be kind to me and allow this to happen. My son-in-law's family is in Georgia which is more convenient to here than I am but they've only visited a couple of times. Given that the kids both have busy lives and careers it is indeed much easier for us "old folks" to visit them. But perhaps my views are not the consensus.
It was pretty obvious to me that D26 hasn't seen her mother now in roughly 3 years - when we were still together. We did have an interesting conversation at one point where she mentioned about working harder on openness and transparency with her own H in light of "what happened" between her parents. What is rather sad is that she doesn't really seem to have much interest in seeing her mother. As was inevitable, some topics came up around for example things that seem to have vanished from the house and at no time was it on the table that D26 would talk to her mother about what may have happened to this item or that.
It is in many ways like my own attitude perhaps. The person we knew is no more.
CL was an occasional topic of conversation. D26 and her H seem much more comfortable with the idea that someone like CL can exist then they were at the beginning of the visit I think. I heard from CL this afternoon in response to a text I sent her. I was rather happy about that.
Time to hit the sack shortly. An early breakfast at Waffle House (I am in the South) and then roughly 15 hours of driving back home. There is a very tentative planned date with CL on Tuesday afternoon where I hope to chat about her trip to Manhattan a few weeks ago and she hopes to chat about my trip to Norfolk.
The one big regret that the kids have about re-locating from Norfolk to San Diego is the lack of a Waffle-House there.
There’s a Waffle House about 6 miles from my house. Come on down to visit and I’ll buy you a meal there. Lol
Is WH just a Southern thing, because if so, everyone else is missing out.
I am very glad to read that you had a nice visit with your daughter and her husband. It's a shame that her mother hasn't stayed in touch....but maybe one day, she'll reach out to her daughter. She's missed a lot of her daughter's life.
I saw where the navy is moving the ships out to sea to ride out the storm. You are leaving at the right time because it may get a bit crazy along the coast in the days to come. Travel safely!
BTW, we use to have Waffle Houses in my area, but they are gone. They have been replaced with IHOP, Bob Evans and Cracker Barrel.
Thanks for the visits Dawn and job.
They checked and the closest Waffle House to San Diego is in Arizona. Considering the number of Navy guys and gals in San Diego who are probably from the South - perhaps this is an opportunity for some entrepreneur.
On the other hand during my base tour I was surprised to see a Tim Hortons which I understand isn't up to the mark of our Canadian ones but that along with all the Canadian geese make it look like there is an invasion in progress
The Navy is indeed taking this storm seriously but they also perhaps won't turn down a training opportunity. I believe that since my son-in-law is already on leave that he doesn't have to report but his phone was going beep quite a bit with his shipmates cursing away. I do hope that everyone stays safe and that there is minimal damage. My daughter and her H live on a third floor but depending on the wind they can get water inside their flat. After breakfast on Monday they were off to buy a few days worth of supplies in case they lose power and access to the outside world.
The drive back was relatively smooth - I perhaps had an angel riding on my shoulder. A few minor things which at first caused me to curse talking about karma and then loosing it. But they were minor. The old mount I use to hold my phone for navigation broke which caused an issue as I'm now used to being navigated rather than figuring it all out first. I tied the phone to the mount with a spare set of cables and then at the Virginia visitor's centre a very nice young lady gave me a handful of elastic bands which will be my solution for the near term. I also got lost a couple of times once when my navigation app decided to route me through Kingston on the other side of the state from Buffalo where I wanted to cross. I wasn't too far off the path though before I noticed. I also had to take a lengthy work call in DC which was annoying.
I am a bit concerned about my daughter as any Dad would be. She seems to be holding up OK but the stress of her H's upcoming deployment is obvious. She is obviously quite upset with and rather disdainful of her mother. Not my issue to fix but it still makes me sad.
As soon as I crossed the border I sent a text to the kids and a message to CL to let them know I was back. On CL's message I also mentioned that I was going to be close to her location the next day. When I stopped for a cup of tea and some carbs I noticed that I had sent that message to my daughter instead so a slightly adjusted message was sent to CL who replied immediately and mentioned that she was glad I let her know. I also let my daughter know as she was perhaps confused about why I was telling her where I would be the next day. Once I had data I also got a message from a good friend who had been watching over my progress home and let them know that things were going smoothly and that I appreciated their concern.
Part way home I got a message from SIL1 complaining that my ex has been completely silent on social media which she says is unusual. I did suggest that this had happened from time to time or perhaps something is going on. The existence of CL is no big secret although what people think (and what they care about) is an unknown and there are mutual acquaintances. Following a standard script, my ex should now be worried that she's going to "lose" me and try to temp-check. I honestly doubt that that is going to happen though.
When I got home, just before midnight S24 and I had a huge laugh because before I left I joked that I would come home to him doing dishes and cleaning the kitchen and sure enough there he was doing dishes. The cats were good, he was good and my bed was very very good.
Today has gone fairly well. I have a date with CL more or less firmly planned for this evening after work and after she takes care of some mom stuff. It will be nice to catch up with her - hard to believe that it's been nearly a month since we last saw each other. I waited until this morning to ask her, apologizing for the short notice even though she probably expected it, as I wasn't 100% sure that I would be up and functional this morning after my long drive.
For those of you in the path of the storms to come - stay dry and safe.
In my youth, I met a man from Canada with whom I had a lovely relationship for a short time. In one of my visits north of the border, he introduced me to Tim Horton's and I have been in love ever since. Too bad Tim Horton's is not a southern thing. LOL Tell you what....you go to Tim Horton's for me and I'll go to Waffle House for you.
Boy - my diary entries are long despite not having much to say.
I had a nice date with CL last night although this whole dating with kids and responsibilities thing is tough. CL has a pretty busy schedule and does the mom-taxi thing a lot. Between school, church, music etc that's not a lot of CL time in the eveings and weekends.. Last night was piano lessons for her S13 which meant not being able to get together until 6:00. Her kids were supposed to call their Dad to see about him getting them supper.
On the way there I got a text from S24 asking when I'd be home - when I told him it would be late, he texted a picture of his foot with his ankle swollen up to twice it's usual size but said that he would figure things out. He's 24 - I did ask if he needed me and he said no so I took him at his word.
CL had picked a fairly upscale place - I don't think she's a diner sort of gal, and was already seated. Being organized, she had asked the greeter to send me over when I arrived. I was a couple of minutes late due to S24's text and also getting lost. She - of course - looked fabulous but I think she is still losing weight fairly rapidly. We had a nice visit. She did ask about my life / day and seemed to be interested but I kept the focus on her which seemed to not be an issue for her at all. She did have a lot to talk about / vent about. She and her kids are very much in the anger stage at her STBX who is behaving like an entitled jerk from her point of view. Her legal stuff is ramping up and he's making ultimatums and arbitrary decisions. She thinks she'll probably end up in court which will be annoying.
I said that I wasn't too hungry and she ordered a salad and I an appetizer. I realized later that I should have asked if she wanted more but she never suggested it.
During dinner she got a few texts from her kids who were unhappy about the prospect of having to see their Dad for dinner and asking if she would bring something home. Again - challenges of dating with kids.
We went to a second place for coffee and did more visiting. Someone came in, stopped and said "hi" to her but she didn't introduce us. When it was time to leave we both headed to the rest-rooms, her first and she had stopped at the other person's table and was visiting with them. I scooched by not interrupting and again on the way out and waited for her. She said it was her dentist. It could be considered slightly rude to not introduce me, but that's her call and I don't know how common the knowledge is of her split. The last thing I want to do is to complicate her life. In fact I'm not even sure if CL's kids know I exist or in what context but it is still very early days.
I walked her to her car, hug outside the car and I asked for a second one while she was seated and was granted my wish. The kiss on the cheek has been moving forward and she doesn't seem to have a problem with that. I didn't go for more than the cheek because it didn't feel right and also because she said she was coming down with a cold and would probably have been annoyed with me for deliberately infecting myself (it would have been worth it). She started going through her schedule to think of when we could see each other again and I just assured her that we'd figure something out. Again - tough to fit me in to her already busy life but she really seems to want to make an effort. It may well be either this weekend or the next.
It was a bit after 8:00 when I left so I called S24 to check on him and he said that he was just then going in to the hospital. It turned out that he had called his mother after me and she made him wait until the end of her shift before taking him in. Not too surprising but to me annoying. He got home shortly after I did and I had left crutches by the door for him. I do hope that his mother actually pulled in to the drive rather than make him walk down - I didn't see. I told him that if I had known that he would have had to wait that long that I would have cancelled my date and come right home but he assured me that it was fine and that he didn't want to do that because he knew how much I had been looking forward to it. I did make a point of telling S24 that I really appreciated his mother giving him a ride. It was good of her. For a moment I considered telling her myself but the moment passed quickly. No clue if he told her why I was unavailable but expect that given the level of pain he was in that he may very well have mentioned "Dad's on a day with CL".
I did get S24 in to the hospital early this morning. He was working very hard on being accommodating despite being in a very large amount of pain. It's just a bad sprain from him jumping down into a ditch he was digging yesterday. He'll be off work for a few days now. We got him some more pain meds after consulting with the pharmacist and based on what the doctor suggested. Fortunately I work with some very understanding people and had a conference call this morning that I did from the hospital waiting room. I sent CL a note letting her know the diagnosis, asked how her kids' evening went and saying that I really look forward to seeing her again. She'll respond at some point I'm sure. She's not a heavy texting gal.
I sometimes feel with her that I'm getting "tested" but on the other hand I'm testing her. She's more or less fine with the fact that I don't always agree with her and she has no hesitation with not agreeing with me, even though a number of times she thinks my position on some things is a bit silly perhaps. There's no love-bombing, no mirroring, no lies that I can detect. She does seem to genuinely like me and I her as a person beyond any other motivations. It feels just like what perhaps a "normal" relationship should feel like I suppose.
Hi Andrew. Always a pleasure to read your posts. It’s really odd the lack of contact between your D and your XW. As a father myself, I find so unnatural loosing ties with a daughter...we the WASs are really insane creatures sometimes...
No real kiss yet? That just sort hits me, especially since this is the third or fourth "date" - or are these really not actual dates? Be careful not to friend zone yourself. I'm not saying you need to have a 10 minute make out but did you notice the effect a nice, first date appropriate kiss had on Ginger? CL may well be wondering, "why won't he kiss me? Doesn't he find me attractive?" And as far as "infecting you" if you touched her hand you have just about as much of a chance of catching something as you do from her lips. You don't want to move too fast or push things but moving too slow is a thing too. What does everyone else think?
Depending on the vibe she is giving off (or your level of interest/the date is going horrible) I could see not going for the kiss on the first date. If everything is going great...good convo, she seems really into you and you are into her then I think you always have to go for it. I am not saying shove your tongue down her throat but a nice romantic, appropriate kiss. Usually if woman are interested they will make it obvious that they are open for business
I'm not too worried about the lack of muchas smoochas. CL is on a much earlier path towards healing than I am. Perhaps around where I was being told here that I wasn't ready with my Flower Lady back in early 2017.
Also Don/Joseph - there is perhaps a decade plus between our ages and yes, it does make a difference. Even CL is very close to 50 and is probably trying to work a lot of things out and things move slower. One big factor is the C - Christian - very involved and very conservative. She has been part of her faith community since she was born and we talked tonight about her "wild" times which were pretty tame. Her STBX also was part of that community. I'm not. This is an important complication that I have asked for guidance on a couple of times.
For now I'm content to follow her lead not knowing the destination and knowing that she doesn't either.
One big factor is the C - Christian - very involved and very conservative. She has been part of her faith community since she was born and we talked tonight about her "wild" times which were pretty tame.
Religion is a tough nut to crack.
Do you feel a romantic attraction to her? Do you get the vibe she is romantically attracted to you? Or do you get the friend vibe?
Is she actually divorced yet? Because if she is a devout Christian, she wouldn't even be entertaining you..... so a little smooch on the lips wouldn't be such a big deal, ya know.
Take it at a pace you feel comfortable. But if she is indeed giving off the romantic vibe, don't let it sit for too long, because it will change to a friend vibe.
doodler - You are indeed correct and it is a concern for me because her Church and faith play a big part in her life and that of her kids - and used to for her STBX. She's not shown any sign of proselytizing at me though. It is a conversation that we'll need to have at some time if this progresses.
Hi Ginger. You've hit it on the head. Yes. I do believe that there is a romantic attraction in both directions. Not a head-over-heels this is "the one" sort of way but in a "I can imagine this person naked / as a good partner / being part of my life" sort of way and holding hands as we walk into the sunset. I can also imagine this not happening. A very good friend advised me a very long time ago that just because you date someone that doesn't mean that you will end up with them.
On her side she's made comments about never getting married again because the only reason to do that would be to have kids. But I think she's making/made an assessment of me as a partner. On the surface we're a good match personality-wise. I also bring a number of practical things to the table. She's also the sort of person that having lots of friends and an active social life wouldn't have made the effort to seek me out / hunt me down just to have a new friend. I do think that she's marked me down as someone she is interested in "now" - not in some vague future as well. She does seem frustrated by how hard it is for us to coordinate schedules.
The actual divorce is probably a ways away. I heard from her this morning that she will probably end up in court because her STBX is acting almost exactly like HaWho's and he's now refused mediation and acting in a very arbitrary fashion. On the other hand, it's coming up to the 1 year mark in a couple of months since she booted him out so perhaps it could all be over in an afternoon if they get a court date and he gets motivated.
It's difficult in some ways because I don't want to put undue pressure on her. Under normal circumstances perhaps we would have taken that next (and to me not insignificant) step by now but with a gap of almost a month between dates 2 & 3 it sort of felt like a reset. Also there's the whole courage thing that I struggle with
doodler - You are indeed correct and it is a concern for me because her Church and faith play a big part in her life and that of her kids - and used to for her STBX. She's not shown any sign of proselytizing at me though. It is a conversation that we'll need to have at some time if this progresses.
I don't have any problem with religion as metaphor, but I can't stomach the hard-core dogma of some of the fanatics that interpret everything literally. My parents, who are otherwise normal and sane, believe that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and that Jesus is going to come back riding a horse across the sky to take them to heaven (or something like that). In any other context, they'd be hospitalized and given the Thorazine drip.
You can use the religion thing to your advantage; just tell her you'll consider it, but she'll have to be very persuasive.
What a busy week. Lots of stuff going on at work but I feel good about most of it. I do get the feeling that if there is no future role for me in the company that I'm with, that the multi-national would be interested. I've been included in a number of meetings as the primary subject matter expert.
Next week I'll be in the local plant where I hope to end up coincidentally with the annual board of directors meeting. I know most of the people on the board and think that it will be good to be seen at the plant making a contribution. As opposed to a number of my colleagues including my boss who are taking vacation just as the real work of integration / separation is ramping up.
On Friday we had a taco lunch for the sales and marketing office where I historically have spent most of my time. One of the key organizers is my friend "WL" who delegated a number of things at me. She and her compatriots on the social committee did a great job of organizing and I made sure to say so. She also went out of her way to visit with me a bit later when we were the only ones in that part of the office. My heavens, she has the deepest deep brown eyes. If the world were only slightly different I would absolutely have asked her out.
I had sent a message to CL on Thursday suggesting that we go out again and letting her know that I was good with whatever matched her schedule. Since she was under the weather and had started her lawyer stuff - which sounds like it will be nasty, I wasn't sure when / if I would hear from her.
I heard from her on Friday evening letting me know that yes, her STBX is going to be difficult, that she likes her lawyer and that she has gone to the cottage with the kids for the weekend to ignore everything. There are a few other things at work and such that have gone sideways on her as well. I'm figuring that my best course is to keep a low profile, do my own stuff and that if she wants to get together that's fine but I certainly will understand not being a priority. She does seem to honestly want to work and put the effort in to keeping in touch and us getting to know each other - the daily messages are a sign of that. One thing that I've certainly learned in the last few years, especially from influences here, is patience.
Been a good day so far. I took my broken BBQ to the dump, did the banking (was less flirty with the teller), sent the ex-wife her monthly money, groceries (bumped into a friend), roses (the lady there was happy to see me - working on quitting smoking - I told her fabulous that she's giving it an effort), scone (good friend who hasn't been well was there again).
S24 is progressively doing better. He has all of the work-place safety forms done and can put a bit of weight on his leg. He'll probably be off for a bit still - good that he has a safety net. D26 and her H appear to have dodged the worst of Hurricane Florence. It seems to have gone out of it's way to circle around them. I hope that they and everyone else is and stays safe.
The sun is shining here, going to hang out my laundry shortly and get the grass cut. I'm thinking of making meat-loaf for Sunday supper tomorrow.
Life is good.
Glad to read that your daughter and her h are safe and dodged the hurricane. We are still getting rain and a bit of a breeze from the storm, but hopefully all of this will be out of our area by Wednesday evening. The areas that were hit are destroyed and it will take years for them to rebuild. It broke my heart to see so much destruction on TV and they are still getting rain and the flooding may not be over until Monday, Tuesday as the latest.
Andrew, I think you are wise to step back just a wee bit and allow CL to contact you when she has the time. She's got a lot on her plate right now and if her h is going to exhibit the nasty side of himself, she will need to really focus on what is important right now...She knows that you are there as a friend and sounding board and she will contact you when she has a moment to breathe.
Hopefully your son will be up and about soon. Definitely get those papers in to the office so that he's taken care of while he's home recovering.
Thanks job - I'm glad that it hasn't hit you too badly. I've not followed on the news too much, just kept an eye on the NOAA website which seems to indicate that Florence will be making a right-turn shortly and heading straight back out to sea. I expect you are doing everything appropriate to stay safe yourself.
I also really appreciate the advice wrt CL. It's funny in some ways how I actually have no interest / concern about what she's up to this weekend or with who but do hope that she and her kids are having fun. Quite a contrast to my situation 2 1/2 years ago when I obsessed about everything my now-ex is up to.
I did muse a bit yesterday about my ex. When you receive an electronic funds transfer you can reply so S24 got a "Thank You!" when he paid me back for some Chinese food he had me pick up. In the nearly a year since I've been making support payments my ex only commented once, last month when I made mention that it would have been our 29th anniversary on the payment and she responded quite defensively. Does she think about all that she has lost and what she left behind? No way to tell but it would be hard for her not to. While I do still wish that things worked out differently I do believe that I have a good life now and will have a good one going forward. Perhaps even better than if she were still here. When I woke up this morning I had a flash of looking in to CL's eyes even though I was alone. It was a nice feeling.
S24 just wandered by to use my bathroom (the only one on the second floor) without his crutches so I presume he's doing better. My tea-pot is just about empty and my walking stick is calling for me to go for a stroll around the village.
Well this is creepy. I got home from work to a message on the answering machine - for my ex-wife. It seems she won a prize from some home party thing. The caller indicated that she had been trying to reach her for a while.
I called back And left a message myself saying that my ex has been gone for about 2 1/2 years, that I don't have a number for her but suggesting she try through her work (yes yes - I'm far too nice). Weird that she would have given this number.
Haven't heard from CL for a couple of days. Sent her a hug via text being obvious that a response wasn't expected. I hope it brightened what I expect has been a difficult day.
S24 is supposed to go back to work tomorrow. I think he should take a few more days to heal but he doesn't agree. He was hobbling around without crutches tonight.
I'm still creeped out about the phone message.
Andrew,
I understand being creeped out over a phone call after all of this time...but they do tend to forget where they are living at times. There are some that give out the "old" home number in the hopes that the other party will call and that call tends to get you thinking about the xw/xh.
I can remember two times when I had calls from people looking for xh and he had been gone just about 3 years. One was the his auto insurance agent wanting to speak to him about a new vehicle he had purchased (that agent actually lived in the area where he was currently living and it was not the agent we had used for many years). So I rang up the agent and advised them that we had been divorced from 3 years and that I had no clue why my number was given to them. The second call came from a health insurance agent looking for him to discuss the option plans for dental. Again, not my insurance carrier and it he wasn't our carrier when we were married because I paid for our family plan through my work. So, he told me that my xh was just trying to jerk me around by having him call me with the info. Never heard from him again.
Maybe my xh was just off his rocker...but I think it was his way of letting me know what he was doing and reminding me that he was still out there.
Andrew, let this kind of stuff roll off your back. I do understand how you felt.
As for son, maybe he should stay home a couple of more days if he's hobbling around. He could do more damage to the injured leg/ankle by rushing the process. It's one of those things that he will need to learn by doing and suffering through.
My husband is prone to bad sprains and the advice he was given was that walking on it was better than not. It tends to stiffen up and swell when not walked on. For what it’s worth.
ZZZZZ - Bored so a minor update.
I've sent CL a brief "thinking of you" text in the evenings to which she's responded daily. She's having a tough time of it. I'm not making any noises at all about our next date. No clue when it might be. She'd mentioned that she might be up in my geography this coming weekend visiting a friend but doubt she'll stop by especially if her kids are with her. I may give the kitchen and bathroom a quick wipe and a prayer though.
I hope she appreciates my notes. She does respond. I remember from when I was going through the worst of things that knowing that others had been there before, that they got through it and that they cared was important to me. In no way do I suggest fixes or anything to her. She's a smart capable woman who knows her situation and has a good lawyer. No need for me to do anything but sit on the sidelines and wave a tiny flag cheering (my most recent message).
I waffle about whether I should be sending her those notes vs being totally silent but other conversations I've read here indicate that people do like such things. I know that I do. And I don't want her to think I'm ghosting her. My assumption is that if I'm being annoying that she'll just stop responding.
I finally deleted the two dating apps off of my phone. The reminders were annoying and right now I have little interest in going that route. I'll probably not disable the profiles for a bit though. "If" something does happen with CL it's not going to ramp up in any fashion until she gets the first big hurdles of her legal stuff taken care of. And that could be a while. Hopefully we can fit in a date every couple of weeks or so though. I'm pretty much available 6 days / week but she's not.
S24 came home yesterday from working with his leg swollen up again. He seemed fairly cheerful though and appreciated my concern and the small amount of fussing that I did over him. He's resting today and just wandered by without his crutches.
I had an itch to drive through the village where my ex lives to see if she is still stuck in her spot but ignored it. Due to construction my GPS keeps trying to route me through there. I recently went through a "what if" mental exercise about her circling back and was glad that it didn't cause me stress and that even in the absence of CL or others that I have no interest in opening up that can of worms. It comes down to what I've said for a long time. I can't see her being willing to do what would be necessary for me to trust her again. Like the laser zapped "true love knot" tattoo on my wrist, yes, there's still something there inside me for her but it is damaged and faded. There will probably always be some ink remaining but it is only the debris of something that is now long past and never will be again.
Ohhh kaaayy - I'm getting more freaked out now.
I've work from home on Wednesdays since forever and after work today I decided to go out for a walk like I often do. I took a slightly longer walk - about 7 1/2 km vs my normal 4 that took me out of the village and past the farms. It's a fabulous day here and finally not boiling hot.
About 2km from the village I come up to a stop sign and start crossing the road. Who is at the other side in her very unique vehicle? My ex. I look up, see her, look away ignoring her (I usually wave at everybody whether I know them or not) and continue on. She turns towards the village.
That road only leads into my village from where she lives. She could have been coming in to the store here but that's pretty unusual I would imagine. If she were going anywhere else on the planet, she would have taken a different route.
This is the first time that I've encountered her "in the wild" in about 2 years.
If we want to put on our tin-foil hats, S24 could have told her that I was out and she might have popped over for whatever reason. If we add another layer of tin-foil, we could suggest that S24 has shared the GPS tracking logins and she knew where I was.
Le sigh.
On a more positive note, CL responded to a random question I had posited to the universe on Facebook so she is obviously not annoyed at me. I probably won't text her tonight (must resist!) as she has church on Wednesdays until later in the evening. The test I'm running for work is just about done and I promised S24 fresh biscuits (from a mix) tonight.
Andrew, was that encounter fuel for the spark?
Andrew, was that encounter fuel for the spark?
I'm not sure I'm understanding the question. When I ran into my then STBX in a random encounter a couple of years ago it was just awkward for both of us and did confirm that she was no longer wearing her ring in public. It was still a couple of months after that when I gave up waiting for her to "make up her mind".
Since then we've both made efforts to not cross each other's paths. I certainly have at any rate and will continue to do so.
I think you have every reason to be freaked. Think about where this must be on the limerence timeline and the fact that he has not been public and out there with her or made her an honest woman. Who wouldn't miss the guy that treated her well, adored her, and that was married to her forever. I'd still stay back and detached from it and not get any hope into it, but changes in patterns are worth noting.
My "hope" has been for some time that she would get her happily ever after with OM. Having her circle back isn't something that I want to have to deal with.
As time passes and I get perspective I feel more and more that she has in some ways been a victim as well. I expect that there were promises, expectations and lies on both sides between her and OM. I certainly can't imagine that her current situation is one that she planned on. In a number of ways her situation is precarious as her housing and employment is dependent on her now aging employers. I saw the wife side of the couple that owns the shop the other day and barely recognised her. If she were to lose her heavily discounted apartment and her job she would be pretty uncomfortable even with the money I send her. Money that will only be coming for a few more years.
I do think that her leaving was in many ways a calculated strategy to get a "better life" than the comfortable one she left. Limerance may well played a part but I don't think that was the deciding factor. She may well have been counting on his and her ability to control him via various ways like she controlled me for many years.
One thing that she posted in the spring was a meme that said "I can't give up. I have too many people to prove wrong." She never had to be humble nor apologize during our marriage. I did that for both of us
She would have to be in either pretty desperate straights or come to realise the magnitude of the impact of her actions to do that. No. I expect that if she were to contact me it would be a mix of charm and pity that she would use.
Ah well. Time will tell and my future reading, mind reading turban has been on the fritz for quite some time.
On a more pleasant note I got a message from CL this morning thanking me for the supportive messages I have been sending. It would be nice if things were moving more smoothly and rapidly than they are but it is what it is. It's been roughly 3 months now since we connected and only 3 dates and no smooches. She's got a lot to deal with though and while I'm not waiting for her, I'm also not going anywhere else at the present.
Yep, ex-spouses are like a combination of chronic burning rectal itch, unwanted ear hair, and gelatinous green snot.
doodler,
What a description! LOL!
Yep, ex-spouses are like a combination of chronic burning rectal itch, unwanted ear hair, and gelatinous green snot
I'm glad you qualified that as
unwanted ear hair When I was in Virginia I picked up peanuts - 'cuz Virginia. Depending on what else is going on, I'll be making peanut butter cookies either this afternoon or Sunday with extra peanuts. I'll try to set some aside for you doodler, but my ex-wife does still know where the spare key is so if they're all gone by the time you get here, blame her.
I had an odd realization yesterday. S24 and I were talking about Thanksgiving which here in Canada is coming up in 2 weeks. We both just take it for granted that we'll be spending it together as opposed to his mother swapping from year to year. This will be the third Thanksgiving we've spent together without her. She's not gotten ANY of the holidays on the day of the holiday since she left. To quote the ancient philospher Vizzini "Inconceivable".
Back in July when I first found out that CL was available and interested I mused to myself about celebrating Thanksgiving with her and her kids. Considering the speed at which things are moving that ain't gonna happen. Too bad. I think she'd like my roast duck. Starting to think through the menu now. Boiled turnip, fresh bread and fresh covered apple pie I believe are going to be had. Finding the duck might be a challenge. The place I went to before isn't dressing their ducks until the end of next month. It perhaps takes time to sew up the little bow ties and cummerbunds.
I sent CL a supportive message yesterday evening which she hasn't read yet. I expect that she will at some point in time. I've not pestered her with a "when shall we two meet again" for some time. She knows my availability and interest. I don't her's but she essentially could see me on any 6 of 7 days in any given week. She's an hour and half drive away but she's worth it and I've told her that. Since she's not the chatty sort via text at least with me, I don't know how her various issues have sorted out. I did notice late in the week that she'd posted some things online for sale. More purging I expect. It's going to be tough for her on the settlement I think as she has most of the actual property. I do hope that she is able to keep her house. That was top of her priority list. Oh well. I have two spare rooms although that means that she would need to share with someone
Writing that reminded me of the start of my relationship with my ex. She immediately took over my life and when I moved out of the shared apartment I had been living in, she immediately moved in with me. I was given no choice. She just assumed that she would.
Time for me to check to see what may have gone wrong at work in the last 18 hours, get my lists together. I need a new tarp to cover up my sloop - the high winds last night were not kind to the one that was on it. Fresh roses, groceries, a fresh baked scone for my tea later. It should be a good day to hang my washing outside today too despite the weather having turned suddenly cool overnight. I put fresh batteries in the thermostat - the furnace might come on in the coming week and I need to consider getting my storm windows up.
The leaves have started changing in the last few weeks and will probably start with a vengence now.
I do feel lonely but life is good. In many ways this is much the life that I would have imagined for myself 5 years ago, just not alone. I'm grateful that I have this place to "talk" lacking someone on the other side of the breakfast table. My cat Amy got bored some time ago and left. I miss having someone to listen to.
A bientot
Andrew
I will bring the homemade rye bread for the peanut butter and we will sit and have tea. That will be healthy you know.
Just a word about exes, I like the description sparkly t@rd and of course Wassock.
What a lovely word Wassock. These exes go wassocking.
I get the lonely thing, that has started in my life, my recent injury has made me feel quite vulnerable. And of course I miss the physical stuff, it's got worse as time goes on. I also miss dancing too........
I did meet a lovely guy, Rugby player from Scotland, I bought his knee scooter on eBay. He came locally to play Rugby dropped off the scooter and invited me to the game. He is very very tall (a bit of an Adonis in physique, a red head too, my type) and I am some what short and curvy. But there was spark, I haven't persued it. 700 miles is a long way for a hug!
So I am sending you a V type internet rainbow hug.
I have learned a lot about ankles, tendons, muscles and toes. I know that if S23 is in pain, he should stop. Has he had an X ray? As by now any extra stress fractures may show. NO weight bearing and particularly no impact at all for a minimum of10 days on any bone injury whilst the soft callus forms. Lots and lots of mobility exercises because we dont want frozen shoulder of the ankle (well makes sense to me). If he has inflammation contrast baths ending with cold, and friction massage on any scar tissue. I suggest looking up flossing techniques as I found that was super helpful in getting rid of ankle inflammation. YouTube has got bobandbrad on physical therapy (they will make you smile as they are sort of morcambe and wise ish) and docontherun is amazing (google) but very serious indeed. Try googling Maya and ironcast ankles at least she is cute for a S23. I also took bone up which was developed from helping horses heal bones (that's the human formula version they made it because peeps kept eating the horse pills), K2 complex and of course lots of vit C.
Take care lovely Andrew, I am crossing all my fingers and toes that your romance goes well and one day I can come and throw some rice.
V
I will bring the homemade rye bread for the peanut butter and we will sit and have tea. That will be healthy you know.
I usually eat rye bread here. I'm an unreformed ingredients reader when shopping and it seemed to give me the best balance of nutrition. There should be lots of peanut butter left after I make the cookies. They should be ready mid-afternoon. I'll set a place for you.
Just a word about exes, I like the description sparkly t@rd and of course Wassock.
What a lovely word Wassock. These exes go wassocking.
I get the lonely thing, that has started in my life, my recent injury has made me feel quite vulnerable. And of course I miss the physical stuff, it's got worse as time goes on. I also miss dancing too........
The only dancing I can do is the "awkward white guy shuffle". My ex didn't like dancing and on the few times we did, we moved at different rhythms and it was actually quite uncomfortable physically. CL assures me that she is a quite good dancer. Perhaps she'll be patient with me and teach. I'm glad that my ex has stayed away from me and is off wassocking somewhere else. I think that I am still vulnerable to her but much less so than in the past. There are days though that she could probably just walk back into my life. Fortunately she doesn't know that nor what those days are.
So I am sending you a V type internet rainbow hug.
Awwweee Thanks. I'm sending a big Canadian bear hug back to you.
I have learned a lot about ankles, tendons, muscles and toes. I know that if S23 is in pain, he should stop. Has he had an X ray?
Thanks V. I looked at a few of those and sent one over to S24. He did have a pretty thorough set of x-rays etc the day after his injury.
Take care lovely Andrew, I am crossing all my fingers and toes that your romance goes well and one day I can come and throw some rice.
I do hope that such a day will come. I'm not sure whose hand I will be holding or when.
---------------
Random musings
I did hear from CL yesterday. She had been I think just a few miles from here presumably with her kids. From the brief note I believe that they had fun. I'm expecting that I won't see her this week but who knows. I may ask her late next week for us to set another date date if she doesn't ask me first. I don't believe that I'm in danger of being friend-zoned but you can never tell.
At the butcher shop yesterday I was chatting with one of the ladies who works there and she caught a reference to my going on a date when I was talking about S24's injuries and how he's eating more meat than usual. Her husband passed about 5 years ago and she said that her daughters are pushing her to start dating. She seemed sad that I was - she had hinted a couple of times over the last few years that she was available. But I think that the fact that I have been dating now is giving her some motivation to put herself out more.
At the flower shop I was served by "flower lady's" mother and suddenly FL shouts out "I've quit smoking!" from the small room off the counter. She's actually told me this previously but I went around and made a few supportive comments and chatted with her a bit. She was finishing up her lunch of her favourite food - take-away Chinese. It's interesting that since she quit smoking that her eyes are wider and more sparkling than they have been previously. And yes, I do have a "thing" for pretty eyes. She is "very" blonde and Even though there is a substantial age difference between us (minimum of 15 years I would think) I am at least a good match for her. Her and her S6's lives would certainly become a lot more comfortable and smoother. Mine would become busier. I'm pretty sure that her mother and others in the shop think that we should be dating.
I had a but of a funny adventure yesterday to share. When I pulled the tarp off of my sloop yesterday a large cloud of rather upset wasps boiled out. I grabbed a shot of them at sent it to the kids etc via SnapChat. I'd asked S24 to help with the tarp and minutes after I sent the Snap he hobbled out of the house to explain to me in detail that nope nope nope - he wasn't going to go anywhere near the wasps. Since I'm used to doing things alone, I got the new tarp up without any real problem and more importantly without any bites. I did find what I believe to be one of the nests and blasted it with wasp killer. I am generally reluctant to take any creatures' life but wasps are one of the few exceptions. When we get a good hard frost I'll go out and clean the boat of nests. They appear to just be in the cockpit and transom. None in the cabin although I did see a couple buzzing around the forepeak.
Well - this day isn't going to seize itself. Let's see what I can get a grip on.
Hello Andrew
It has been a while since I was here. The last time was when you were getting the roof repaired. So much has happened. Dating, corporate buy outs, improvement with S24, a trip to D26 - I see you had a busy summer too.
I am glad that S24’s behaviour is better and consistent, it is a bit of a trial to get through the growing up of a teenager. My S21 shows a lot of positive signs, and then just two days ago washed his lunch kit is the kitchen sink and dries it with the dish towels. The whole kitchen still smells of diesel fuel (I don’t know! Maybe he spilled it on his kit) and the dish towels have permanent stains of fuel and just reek.
So on Sunday, after D16’s piano lesson I bought all new towels, and dish clothes. Spoke to all the kids about what I expected. It actually went over well, I’ll see how long it lasts.
Hey, this is your thread. What am I doing?
You have asked for some guidance on a few topics, I am a bit late but perhaps my view may still have some merit.
As to job security, corporate buy out, and switching companies. I like your idea of remaining with you current employer, the locally owned company, espically if the rumoured promotion for yourself materializes.
You have transferable skills, no doubt, and would be an asset in the new company. However, one of your better skills is loyalty. You have been with the company for, I believe 15 years, you are a loyal person, and money is not your primary driving factor.
Your loyalty also brings me to dating. I agree with you, one women at a time. Be loyal to her, even if it is casual dating. I am sure you would not want her dating two or three other men while seeking your affections. Respect her as you would like to be respected.
I do agree you may have to kiss a lot of frogs. If things do not work out then date someone else. You need not kiss all the frogs at the same time.
For me dating is exploring for compatibility, for similarities, for differences, for a match. A time to learn about them, their views, their morals, who they are. That takes time and going slow is a good idea. I also agree with other posters’ caution about going too slow.
I do not believe in soulmates. There are 8 billion people on this planet, and I am pretty sure there are at least 100 million that you would get along with excellently. Therefore there is always someone “better”. If you have found someone who is a match, and considers you a match, you need not look further.
Ok, disclaimer time. When I arrived here, broken-hearted, I had to have faith in the wise counsel I was receiving. I had never experienced what I went through, others had, and I choose to listen. Andrew, I have never been divorced, and I haven’t dated in thirty years, I never cheated, strayed, or betrayed my W or vows. I know I am extremely loyal and faithful, a small subset of the population. From life away from here, I know my views are not widely shared. Perhaps, there is wiser counsel you should consider following.
The Christian part of CL, and her conservative views. That is something that will need to be look into at some point. It is part of the whole dating and seeing if you are compatible. You do not need to answer it right away. In fact, dating will answer it for you, just be patient, relax, and enjoy your time together.
To the idea of telling flower girl, bank teller, WL1, WL2, etc... about dating CL. No. There is no need. Why cause pain or problems. They were friends you were considering dating before CL jumped the queue and asked you. They are not a bunch of plan B’s, they are still friends of your’s, who if things do not work out with CL you might resume finding the courage to ask for a date.
Be accurate on this. These ladies are friends, they had / have an importance in your mind that was not formalized. No official dating status, so no need to rock the boat. This is about them and their feelings, not about protecting the future dating pool. Just to be clear.
I was a bit disturbed a few hours later when I got a direct message from a married lady of my acquaintance asking if I was still in the city where I got the zapping done and if she and I could get together for coffee and she would provide me with pain relievers. She's "sort of" my niece. She's the daughter of my oldest sisters partner and about my age. We met about 2 years ago at her dad's funeral. I counter suggested that I would be happy to see her and her family if they happened to be around with my sister makes a planned visit this summer.
Seven weeks later a nice time is had, then a couple of dates / kisses, and currently eagerly awaiting her texts.
The human mind can rationalize anything. We have the ability to justify any action to ourselves.
Andrew, she is still married. You are the OM in their marriage.
I cannot believe things sometimes. This very situation has occurred with a guy from my work. I have had very difficult conversations with him. His heart wants what it wants and he did not listen, he was on cloud 9. Her divorce is getting bad, the kids are getting mixed up, her life is getting worse, and she cannot juggle a side boyfriend. She is a mess and is trying to end things with him, or maybe not, who knows - it is a mess! He is hurt and is now calling her crazy.
Andrew, I am worried for you.
I get it. You feel wanted, infatuated, loved. I too would love to have that again, God knows I miss it.
From what you have said, you are not too far into this relationship yet. You have had previous advice, I do not need to harp on you.
I am willing to discuss or further any points I have made or you wish to make.
I really do care about you, and I want the best for you.
You know your situation best.
DnJ
Thank you so much DnJ for stopping by and the thoughtful comments.
Doing the single parent thing is tough even with older kids. I had a big smile reading your story about your S21. At least my son was nice enough to use old rags and in the garage to try to remove tar from his work shirt with the gasoline I needed to cut the lawn the next day. They do take us somewhat for granted and have expectations at times equivalent to when there were two functional parents I think. S24 does cut me a fair bit of slack these days I think. We talked last night and he set himself a very realistic goal of having his student loans paid off by next March. That came out when I asked him whether he thinks his current job is capable of supporting him independently - stressing that I wasn't throwing him out. He's not sure.
You have asked for some guidance on a few topics, I am a bit late but perhaps my view may still have some merit.
Absolutely. Your perspective is valuable to me. I think we have similar but not the same world-views.
Your loyalty also brings me to dating. I agree with you, one women at a time. Be loyal to her, even if it is casual dating. I am sure you would not want her dating two or three other men while seeking your affections. Respect her as you would like to be respected.
I do agree you may have to kiss a lot of frogs. If things do not work out then date someone else. You need not kiss all the frogs at the same time.
I love that last line. It's one of the reasons I've been reluctant to do the online thing. Too much pressure and too short of timelines.
I do not believe in soulmates. There are 8 billion people on this planet, and I am pretty sure there are at least 100 million that you would get along with excellently. Therefore there is always someone “better”. If you have found someone who is a match, and considers you a match, you need not look further.
I've always felt that a relationship requires effort and acceptance of the other person's differences.
The Christian part of CL, and her conservative views. That is something that will need to be look into at some point. It is part of the whole dating and seeing if you are compatible. You do not need to answer it right away. In fact, dating will answer it for you, just be patient, relax, and enjoy your time together.
I "think" that she knows my attitude. I am respectful and supportive of her Faith but it's not mine.
The human mind can rationalize anything. We have the ability to justify any action to ourselves.
Andrew, she is still married. You are the OM in their marriage.
Ooof! This is the part that caused me to wait until morning to respond.
This and your comments about your co-worker are absolutely spot on. For a particular value of spot on. As someone personally affected by infidelity this is a big thing.
To date nothing has been said or done that while it might cause an eyebrow to be raised by conservative folks doesn't cross the line of what could be the case of my interactions with any married woman.
My own point of view is that separated people do have the ability to explore new relationships. But as you suggest, for those relationships to be healthy ones people need to be in a good enough place to be able to navigate them.
Am I? Yes, I think so. I rarely think of my ex. She has no part in my life. Is she? Well, she's still in the midst of what she herself calls a "sh!t storm" (she has a bit of a potty mouth
) That is one of the reasons why despite a level of frustration, I'm working hard on not pushing things along. From my outside view, I do have some expectations that things will sort out for her by Christmas. I think that her STBX who has aggressively started pushing for the separation agreement is so that he can get the divorce done on the stroke of the 1 year of separation in mid-November. There is a possible OW involved. We don't talk about him except for her to complain about how he's conducting himself with her and her kids. My role in this? To not be an unwelcome distraction. To be a friend and supportive. To not add to her burdens. If I can be a "welcome" distraction that's something different.
I really do care about you, and I want the best for you.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
I had an odd interaction with CL last night. I had come to believe that I had realized something important - she seemed to have a drive for perfection which I don't (my cookies were not perfect but are quite tasty) so I sent her a brief note via Messenger later in the evening. I knew that her S13 had confirmation classes so waited until they were probably over. As usual she wasn't online nor did she read the message for a hour or so. She responded linking to a FB post she'd made on the subject some time ago (it seems to be an important issue for her) referencing Matthew 5:48 and there was a long discussion with her friends on the topic. Interesting stuff (I re-read it later). It reminded me in many ways of The Great Divorce by CS Lewis. An interesting but perhaps overly philosophical read.
I presumed she was free and asked her about her day etc. After her second or third response, she let me know that she was in a church meeting and needed to be a good example. ??? Presumably she was bored and was not being a good example. Or it could have been a brush-off. I expect the former to be true.
As job would counsel me in the past - Dig deep for patience, have no expectations and live my life to the fullest.
In the mean-time I got a note from a friend at work that he wants to go out to lunch Friday and he suggests inviting WL along. I think he thinks that's the direction I should be going. She does have lovely deep brown eyes even if my work friend was slightly crude in his appreciation of another part of her anatomy.
Ick. Nightmares again last night. Bad ones. I suppose I shouldn't have written what I did 'cuz they were of my ex just moving back in and pretending everything was fine and trying to manipulate me in all the old ways that used to work. At one point I thought I was dreaming, forced myself "awake" and it was still happening. There was one scene where the house was over-run with black kittens that was quite cute though. I would get angry at her and tell her to leave "my" house which she would just ignore.
Fortunately it all was indeed a dream.
I messaged CL briefly at the end of day yesterday and got a message back that things were going really bad for her. I sent a hug and then stepped away. My own expectation is that she's heard that instead of her STBX buying her out that she'll need to buy him out. None of my business and I didn't ask for details.
I've been sending her a "sticker" via messenger in the mornings just to let her know I'm thinking of her in a way that is hopefully reassuring but undemanding. Most times she ignores them - no response is requested or expected so no problem. She sent a cheerful response today. Hope her day is going better today. Despite my own desires to have her to talk to and to spend time with her, I need to continue to give her space to deal with whatever she's dealing with without pressure from me. She's very chatty in person but not so much by text. We aren't 21 though either.
The corporate merger is going moderately smoothly. Since I have a foot on both sides it gives me an interesting perspective. It does look like we're going to lose a big chunk of our chlorine based business as we're not competitive but in talking to people it's not a big surprise. And chlorine is nasty stuff to deal with anyway in an industrial setting. Tomorrow should be interesting as I'm working out of "their" offices.
There was one scene where the house was over-run with black kittens that was quite cute though.
Andrew,
I've been having a somewhat similar dream, usually around 4:30 am, where a black kitten jumps on me whilst I sleep. He starts to purr loudly and then he wants to play. Unfortunately, it's my reality (or a very lucid dream). I'm hoping that behavior will subside as the kitten gets older. He's a sweet little booger, but he sure fouls-up my sleep.
He's a sweet little booger, but he sure fouls-up my sleep.
Get used to it. I'm currently fighting with one of my black "kittens
Who just pressed the "post" button. Her (also black) sister will paw at S24's door at about 3:00am until she gets cuddles.
They win.
Oh - and cat paws work just fine on touch-screens.
Your kittens/cats like to be w/you and yes, they are up at all hours and get lonely and cold, so they come see their guardians for attention and warmth. My black cat does the same thing. So, we are all dealing with kitties wanting up at early hours! LOL!
Hello Andrew
What a storm there was last night. I had a post almost done, then lost the cell service, then lost the provider for internet and no wifi. Holy smokes, the kids almost died!
An evening with out being connected. Lol
Anyhow, I am back to the modern age again.
I am glad you appreciate my viewpoint as much as I appreciate your’s. Also glad you and I are friends that can have these conversations.
I am sorry about the “Ooof!”, I am not trying to be mean, or cruel, or too meddling.
You are further down the path towards dating, you having chosen to date while I have not.
I have read all your posts on all 23 of your threads, plus many of your other comments - over the last while you sound different, in a good way. You are confident. Looks good on you.
Anyhow, thanks for sharing where your head and heart are at.
So I've been giving some thought to the moving parts that are the lives of AndrewP and CL.
I think that a bit more of Don Quixote lives within me still than perhaps I thought. I was disturbed that I might have turned into Alonso more than I was comfortable with but I think I've got a balance going.
CL is going through a very tough time right now. I still hear from her once or twice a day, and make an effort to send her a "good morning" daily - which she seems to appreciate. I did let her know last night after her brief message about a particularly crappy day that I had been presuming that she wasn't up to having another date right now.
I realized last night though that I have added CL to the list of people that I feel a Duty towards. I have told her that I would be there for her and believe that she has been / is trusting me in that. Not "there" in a romantic sense necessarily, just there as a friend. Yes, it's somewhat frustrating to me that things appear to be completely stalled and that's where DnJ I appreciated your little vignette about your friend and his divorcing girlfriend. Having accepted this duty I need to honour it within reasonable bounds.
The stuff she's going through is very likely going to take some time. I need to make sure she has that time without distractions from me. It means that while I don't step away, I stay where I am - available but not intrusive. If afterwards, or during, she wants to spend time with me than that would be fabulous even though that time will probably be her venting about her problems.
To me, it's kind of like the old lighthouse metaphor and how it is used here. One comment on that which I found funny was the idea that the lighthouse shouldn't be chasing all around the island looking for ships to rescue. I am perhaps a lighthouse for her and perhaps for others. It is my duty to be boring and predictable / reliable and consistent in case they need shelter. While they are still battling the waves, it's not my place to be there.
While I was thinking about this metaphor early this morning, I recalled a time I was out on my 12' "MiniCup" board boat in the outer harbour in Toronto some years ago. I decided to venture in to the inner harbour which meant going across the channel between. As I ventured into the channel, the wind changed direction and strength abruptly like it will in those circumstances and the waves became quite unpredictable. Once across the channel, the conditions were still too much for my tiny boat and my skill levels so, I turned around for the safety of the protected harbour. I didn't look for nor want rescue while I was out there. I was able to deal with it. But I was also glad that there were no passengers nor distractions while I focused on what could have been a very dangerous set of circumstances.
Oh - and while I was writing this, someone sent me a note that my ex and OM are taking a trailer down to Virginia to see her daughter and her H. That's going to be stressful and awkward for all I expect. But it is good that she's finally making an effort after several years to go there.
Good morning Andrew
Your metaphoric account of your passage across the channel is one of your best.
Indeed, people may be in some turbulent times and need to be given the time and space to steer their boat to safety. Being that lighthouse, providing them a heading amidst the distractions of the wind and waves.
I too like statement “lighthouses shouldn’t be chasing all around the island looking for ships to rescue”. It is true with just right amount of humour to make it palatable.
I was surprised to read that ex and OM are going down to see D26 and her H. I agree with you, stressful and ackward for all involved. Well not your monkeys and not your circus.
Hope you have a wonderful Sunday
I had a fabulous day yesterday. I've been joking lately that even though I don't believe in Fate it is possible that Fate believes in me
Late Friday night I used my phone to check my lottery tickets which is something I rarely buy. One indicated that I had won $5 and the other oddly said "contact retailer". Even though I worked on keeping my expectations down, I did think it quite neat that I might have won a big prize. It certainly would be life-changing (I didn't the ticket was a dud). But still neat to think about.
Things just seemed to fall in to place for me yesterday. While waiting for my haircut I was chatting to the barber and happened to mention that I was having a hard time finding a duck to roast up for my Thanksgiving dinner. The guy in the chair happened to work for a local grocery store that I rarely go to and told me exactly where in his shop the frozen ducks were. I had planned to go there anyway for a particular sauce that S24 had put on the list
After that I popped out to the farm to borrow the pole trimmer from my youngest brother to trim my apple tree. I had a nice visit with him, his wife and my 2 year old nephew. It seems that they get few visitors now that they have a small one. We walked around the foundation of the house he's building and I was very impressed. It is very well thought out and well designed. It's huge (and costing him a lot) and sits on the crest of the hill overlooking the river valley. They've been living in a renovated driving shed for quite few years as the old farm-house is largely uninhabitable. They hope to move in to the new house by spring but the walls and roof should be up in the next week or so. While there, they gifted me with quite a bit of produce from their garden. Things that as Fate would have it, were on my grocery list. I also got a jar of home-made tomato soup (also on my list) which I had some of for my dinner.
While there I did mention that I had some dates with CL. My SIL's jaw literally dropped and she got incredibly excited and started having ideas for all sorts of plans. I had to slow her down. She did comment that I was "glowing".
My SIL's mother has regular interaction with my ex at the store where my ex works. For quite some time my ex has tried extra hard to be "buddies" with her and it seems the information I eventually get is handed unsolicited across including her current trip via trailer to see her daughter. I also heard that my ex might have been down there in April as well. Thinking about it, the odds are actually higher that she's with her brother and his wife. They have a trailer and would be on their way to their Florida house at this time of the year. No clue. None of my business.
My SIL did mention that she fully expects my ex to circle around back to me "any day now". I don't know if that would happen. The odds probably go up if she finds out that I'm now dating.
I did notice via the Life360 app we use that my daughter and her H did go out to the KOA campground in Virginia Beach a few times and saw some snap-chats my daughter posted of a local landmark. Certainly far fewer postings than when I visit and unlike me, my ex is completely silent on social media about her visit. Again though, none of my business. I do hope that they have a pretty good visit. I think I'm well past the point of being jealous of any interactions my ex may have with the kids.
The rest of the day went well. My salesman at the car dealership had the spare bluetooth adapter there to replace my broken one, S24 was up and about and helped put the groceries away. Little things, but the day went pretty smoothly.
At the flower shop, the lady's first words were as expected "you're late". Slightly weird interaction there as after she gave me my roses she stood there as if she was expecting to have a longer conversation. We did chat a bit. She's always had a number of health problems so I heard about a couple of those that are currently bothering her. I actually wasn't feeling very chatty as I was way behind schedule and had a lot of things on my list. I get the feeling that she's getting pretty impatient about me not asking her out. But then again, I could be completely wrong. She complained too that since she's quit smoking that she's put on weight. I told her that I thought she still looked great and she did.
I didn't hear from CL until the evening. I'd sent her a note in the morning and a shot of my new haircut (which I think looks pretty good). It seems that she and her kids are
really struggling. This is a big weekend at their church and her STBX who historically was very active is now very absent. I can only dimly imagine what it must be like for them all. They're coming up soon on the one year mark since he left / got booted out. People who say that "kids are resilient" I think have no idea of the impact of marriage breakdowns. I don't know but I expect that this has been especially hard on them as teens especially when their Dad monsters at them.
Reading the note from CL made me glad in some ways that despite my wishes to the contrary that I'm not embedded in their lives. That would only be an added complication to what they are dealing with. My plan is that other than the "good morning" which I've already sent is to be silent today. She's got a lot going on. She mentioned that in addition to the church events today that she's got a large family get-together in the evening.
I do wonder some times on if I'm taking the right direction with her. So far it seems to be working out OK despite the lack of smooches and dates. Part of me thinks that it might be best for me to cut her loose. Another part of me thinks that being here for her when she's having a rough time of things will help possibly form a basis for a trusting relationship in the future. I also want to be sure that I'm only being good for her and not causing other problems. Sigh - this is all far too complicated for my simple brain.
Well, time for me to get my day going. I have a lot on my list including sewing on suspender buttons to my new trousers and cooking my first ever butternut squash that my brother insisted I take. Youtube suggests that it will be "easy".
Let me ask you an honest question. Do you think CL has anything to give to you right now? Think back to when you were in the thick of it..... did you have anything to give to a partner? She has young kids. Everything she has right now has to be given to them. And to herself. ANd you, my friend, have been through the thick of it. ANd should have a nice healthy relationship with a partner who can give to you.
Now is not the time to date CL. She is not capable of dating now. I would absolutely remain her friend as someone who understands what she has been through. But she can't date right now. I understand the sense of duty and I am the female version of a rescuer. But sometimes we need to break that cycle. Let her go through her stuff. You should be out there dating women who are in a healthy place to give to you and to receive from you. I am afraid she isn't. And I think you know that. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong. You would be doing the right thing. For you and for her.
I know she is the first person since your ex that you have had real feelings for. Those are the hardest to let go of. But you have to do what's hard for everyone's benefit.
Be a good friend. That's what she needs right now. And you can date others, it wouldn't be "cheating". or "dating multiple women" see wo is out there, who is ready to give to Andrew.
Andrew, I'm so late to the party, and confess I haven't entirely caught up, but I gather you're emotionally drawn to a woman who is in the thick of it. Listen to Ginger - remember what that time was like for you. Be a friend. Guard your heart.
Remember you deserve someone who will treat you the way you treat them. Doesn't seem like she's able to give right now.
What happened to flower lady? I liked her. Or the bank teller ??
xoxoxoxo
Thanks for the visits DnJ / Ginger1 / bttrfly
Yes - I agree that CL is certainly not at a place at present to have much in the way of a relationship which is one of the reasons why I'm not putting any pressure on her. The last time I saw her was a couple of weeks ago now and there was a big gap before that caused mainly by prior plans by both of us.
I'm not heavily emotionally invested in her at this point and I think she might be backing off a bit as well. She stopped interacting with my social media a bit over a week ago as well. I really have no way of knowing but certainly her message to me on Saturday indicated that she's very much in the middle of the storm. I do hope for her sake that things start sorting out / calming down. What her plans will be after that - there's no way to tell. She certainly knows how to find me. I'm not intending on asking anyone else out at present.
We'll see where things are by Christmas. Which is not all that too far off.
What happened to flower lady? I liked her. Or the bank teller ??
I noticed that the bank teller (who left the bank some months ago) updated her Facebook profile picture to include a handsome man in the background. Presumably she's got a new guy. When she left the bank I did send her a "I'll miss you" message and got a customer-service polite response. Was my prior perception of her being interested in me wrong? No way to know.
With the lady at the flower shop I have some worries that she is quite a lot younger than I am. Yes, age is just a number, but my number is pretty big compared to what I presume her's is. She is quite sweet. It's hard to believe that her son is now 6. When I first met her he was 3. Where does the time go.
Flower girl still gets my vote! She may be young, but nothing says you have to get married to her next week. She may help you see things from a different perspective and you may do the same for her. I think CL is just not in a good place for you, though I agree with all before me who said that you should continue to be there for her. You can never have too many friends when going through all the mess.
Blargh! Another nightmare last night - but this one wasn't so bad.
My phone rang IRL about 10:30 - wrong number although I heard a vaguely familiar woman's voice saying "hello" over and over. I dreamt that my phone rang again some time after that and it was my ex. Friendly, bubbly, slightly drunk and just being chatty. I was confused and got her off the phone.
Because I dream so realistically, I checked the phone this morning and there was only one call.
I had sent CL a "hope your week is going well" message this morning and got a couple of paragraphs of reply. It's not going well at all. She is very down on herself and things are not working out for her at all. I told her that if she needed me to just let me know. I was very tempted to dig through the closet to see if I can find my old Helmet of Mambrino, mount up and ride to the rescue. I didn't. I did send her a picture of some nice flowers suggesting that since I can't send her real flowers (officially don't know her address) that those I hoped would help.
There's a discussion on DnJ's thread about how we have all been helped and buoyed up by people around us. I "hope" that CL is getting that support. She does have a good number of friends IRL plus a supportive family but as we all know, when things hit the fan supportive people are hard to find. I think that much of her support structure revolves around her church where her STBX was previously quite active. For work, she mostly works from home so there's little interaction she gets there. I hope she got the message from me that she's not alone and that people care about her.
In my ideal world, I'd stop by her house and rub her feet and hand her drinks and listen to her vent. I think we all agree that would probably be regarded as being intrusive. I do find her address on a public web site though .....
It's 4 weeks to the party I was hoping to go with her to. I'm not going to mention anything about it until I see if her situation stabilizes.
In my ideal world, I'd stop by her house and rub her feet and hand her drinks and listen to her vent. I think we all agree that would probably be regarded as being intrusive. I do find her address on a public web site though .....
AndrewP,
You could show up at her doorstep with a bottle of wine and some baby oil. But, if she invites you inside, don't ask her about beaver pelts, that could get weird.
Not much of an update - just a couple of things to put out there.
It turns out that SIL1 has been in correspondence with my ex in recent times about misc non relationship stuff. All "customer service polite" but I cautioned her to "not poke the bear" but she can't resist testing to see if the lines of communication are open. She, and a few other people around me suggest that my ex is likely to circle around. I think I'm hardened enough to deal with that appropriately. I believe that my ex has moved on from Norfolk to other adventures. I am glad that she spent time with her daughter and son-in-law.
My own theory - which are often proven wrong - is that she is with her brother and her SIL in their trailer heading to Florida. Not my monkeys. Or she could have bought a trailer with the money she got from me and OM could be using his truck to pull it down there.
It may be highly inappropriate but it does seem to me that many women go through a cycle where when they are trying to land a man they pay a lot of attention to their appearance and weight. As of last report, my ex has recently put on a significant amount of weight and is still living in her flat above the liquor store. My own theory is that she and OM are on the "outs" yet again. But again - not my problem.
S24 surprised me tonight by making a fuss about the fact that I was cleaning the kitchen / doing all the dishes. He does make much of the mess but it's me that likes having a clean counter.
I heard from CL last night. She sounded better but I am sure still has a long way to go. It's so hard to judge from the tiny amount of words she sends me.
Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend. The duck is thawing as is the sausage meat for stuffing (a traditional P family addition). "Twenty something" is expected to stop by and start storing some of her furniture here. It will be nice to see her. I'm planning on making a covered apple pie.
I have so very much to be grateful for. As a Muslim friend of mine is regularly saying - God has been very kind to me and mine - and that is even with me being rather Agnostic.
Work has been "complex" and while I am somewhat confident in my job security I'm not counting on it. The future is partially opaque. I see Joy and even perhaps Love in it. As my Muslim friend will say - in Sha Allah. The future is not in my own hands but is in the hands of Destiny. It is up to me to navigate that path.
Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!
I read back to this time last year which I do from time to time. My heavens - the changes.
Busy weekend thus far. One of my cats is curled around the tea-pot which she loves because it's warm and I'm taking a slow start to the day.
I'll be doing Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. My duck is thawed and sitting in the fridge. I'll be making the apple pie this afternoon but the rest tomorrow. S24 and I consulted on the menu and it will be roast duck with sausage stuffing, mashed potatoes, mashed turnip and butternut squash. He said that he'll make a loaf of fresh bread and I agreed to attempt my first ever gravy. And of course the apple pie for desert if we have room.
Much more ambitious than last year when I just roasted a ham (one of the reasons I read back).
No word on S24 spending any part of Thanksgiving with his mother. From my reading back he didn't last year either. I'm not even sure where she is as I had heard that she was taking 2 weeks of vacation which would presumably still have a week to go. She may possibly be in Florida with her brother (my current theory) or off with OM somewhere but in a trailer. She has been very private on social media since the day she walked out the door of what used to be our home.
I got much of the monthly full cleaning of the house done yesterday. There's still a bunch to do - "a man's work is never done
" If my ex does drive by the house she may be a bit surprised. A small willow tree that she planted has been removed. It was very messy and half-dead so after talking to S24 I took it out last week. I also pruned the apple tree at the front of the house down to about 1/2 it's prior size. The brush is piled up in my utility trailer and is intended to stay there until spring. In the winter the wee birds spend time in there and it's fun to watch them from the kitchen window. My ex used to find a lot of joy in that as do I.
I also picked up some tall grasses and cat-tails and decorated up the side porch with them like I've done for the last couple of years since I've been in sole charge. I'm very proud of how I've taken care of my home.
When picking up my roses the lady at the flower shop nagged at me that I should try something different so being in a whimsical mood I indulged her and got some particoloured roses which look nice. One thing that perturbs me though was her comment that "they're still masculine". I have no problem with there being feminine touches around my house even if they are ones that I've done myself. I would rather of course have an actual female person do them, but that's not where my life is right now.
I did have a bit of a laugh because when I was picking up some beer at a local brewery I was chatting to the pleasant young lady who was working there. In the course of conversation my being divorced with an adult son at home came up. She's 26 and had recently moved home with her parents herself. She is looking for someone and joked that she wanted to meet a guy with a house. She then back-pedaled quickly and told me that she wasn't "coming on" to me
She also emphasized that she wasn't interested in S24 because he lives "at home" as well
I never sent anything to CL yesterday and am not planning on doing it this weekend. We'll see how that works out. I've not heard from her either. Perhaps she's not even noticed. It's looking pretty unlikely that she'll be my date for my nephew's stag and doe in a few weeks. If she wants to see me, she knows where I am and to be honest I've gotten tired of being the initiator with little reward for it.
Days like today can be tough. I do feel lonely. I miss being part of a couple and family especially during what are family holidays. I know that I could probably change that relatively easily. I'm a successful professional with all his own teeth and a house. There are a number of single women in the area, some of whom I've talked about here who would probably be happy to share my home and associated comforts. But I don't want just anyone and don't want to be taken advantage of. What LouR wrote recently about the type of women that are attracted to her H was revealing but is somewhat unsurprising.
Well - this isn't getting the dusting done. I think I'll have a nice bubble bath soak in my "masculine" way and then get to that. If the weather cooperates I may also clean out the flower beds and get them ready for winter.
Wish me luck with the gravy - I'm sure I'll update here on that.
Tough start to the day today. Despite the cat purring on my desk and my son snoring in his room, I feel alone and the house feels empty.
If right at this moment my ex knocked on my door, I'd probably open it. A truly bad idea I know but it is what it is. And she's not going to anyway and I'm not reaching out to her either. I made a point quite a while ago to ensure that her contact information is tough to get to as well which I still regard as wise.
It also turns out that my track record for being wrong continues. In the afternoon yesterday while working on my pie S24 heads out the door saying that he'll be back soon. Out of curiosity I look out the front window after he leaves and his mother's car drives off. He doesn't come home until well after midnight. I presume he was off to a family Thanksgiving feast of some sort. I had expected her to still be off on her vacationish adventures. I believe that her coming was a surprise to S24 as well as he was rather unshaven when he left.
I think that in part the unexpected appearance of my ex is what has caused my current mood. That and the silence and absence of CL perhaps. I've considered reaching out to her but I don't really have anything to say and the brief responses I generally get are unsatisfying. She is very talkative in person but she doesn't call. I also expect her to be busy with family stuff this weekend.
Despite how nice my pie smelled, I had no appetite last night and little this morning. I'd skipped lunch so forced myself to eat at around 8:00. I did have a productive day. The monthly full house cleaning was completed, my ironing done, pie made. "20 something" stopped by in the evening to give me a big hug and chat and that was nice. She had called to see if S24 was around.
This morning though I had to drag myself out of bed and while making breakfast just felt like smashing something - which I didn't do. I did make myself a healthy breakfast - eggs florentine, sausage, potatos and tea. For the week I'm down about 5 lbs but I had been up a bit of what was very likely just water weight. I certainly can afford to lose the weight and am still 50 lbs heavier than when I got married even though most people don't believe it.
This will pass. I know it will. It's just part of the crap that is the continuing legacy of infidelity, lies, cruelty and divorce.
The duck is about 5 lbs so it should take a bit under 2 hours to roast so I don't need to put it in the oven until mid-afternoon. I may go for a walk.
Oh - and forgot to mention that shortly after he left with his mother, just like all other times, S24 went through my current SnapChat story. I expect that she isn't very detached even after all this time and perhaps is making sure that I stay right where she left me.
I am sorry you are having a rough time. The holidays do that. I know they do it to me.
Things will look up. And I can always go for a slice of pie....
Thanks Ginger. I appreciate it.
Duck is in the oven, butternut squash and turnip are cubed, S24 has started a loaf of bread in his bread machine, cold beer in my hand.
The weather is schizophrenic. Bright sunshine followed by downpours. I did get about 1/2 hour of walking in without getting very wet.
Time to watch some youtube videos on how to make gravy - how did bachelors ever manage before that?
Life IS good. I know this.
Life is good A. Stay strong. Thanks for sharing your feelings. It makes me want to give you a hug...
Sending it to you.
Thanks neffer - hugs are in high demand here. And pretty rare IRL.
Dinner was good as was the gravy. I did it much differently than my ex but then, she never cooked duck. It was perhaps a bit richer than what we are used to but both S24 and I liked it.
As expected there was far too much food so there will be left-overs for a while.
I did cave and message CL a "Happy Thanksgiving". She and her kids went out to a restaurant saying that they are "avoiding holidays".
Good Morning Andrew
Your meal sounded lovely, as always.
I am sorry on how the holidays stir up emotions - missing family, the big empty house, yep I got that too. You know it will pass and will be better.
I understand your frustration with CL. Remember what is causing it - not her. Your expectations are different than what she is or can provide right now.
Dating is different in regards to expectations. You should have some realistic expectations, the mantra of keep expectations to zero does not apply here. If a potential relationship does not meet them, that’s ok. However, you deserve better and unmet expectations is a pretty good sign to gracefully and gently let her go and date someone else. I think from your posts you are feeling this.
Take care,
DnJ
Andrew,
Your dinner sounded delicious. The holidays do tend to raise the emotions for us, but it will pass in time.
As for CL, she's got a lot going on in her life right now and needs to concentrate on the divorce, her children, and of course, herself. It's nice that you touch base w/her, but I would suggest that you back off a bit and allow her to contact you periodically. Yes, you are doing it as a friend, but it may be putting a bit of pressure on her to respond back when she's got other things that she needs to focus on. Andrew, she knows that you are there and a friend...but it's time to give her the space she needs and when she's ready, she'll contact you.
She may not be ready for a relationship for quite some time. Are you willing to wait? If not, then maybe it's time to leave the door ajar and let her go and continue dating elsewhere.
Thanks DnJ and job.
Yeah - you are both quite probably right. I've not bothered contacting her today with my previously usual "good morning". Perhaps she'll notice, perhaps not. Perhaps she'll care, perhaps not. I had only contacted her once for the entire long weekend as well.
I have indeed decided to step back but not necessarily away.
I am indeed struggling today and it took effort to drag myself in to work. I almost didn't. I hear echos of the dark times that I'd rather not remember. Not related to CL - but most likely just as you both mention - big empty house that used to be full of love. Another year coming to a close.
Happy thanksgiving a bit late!
Crazy busy few days. And also crazy crazy.
More than a bit long today. Not very interesting.
Not all "db'ish" related - but I need somewhere to explore this as I often do so off it goes. This is where I miss someone to come home to to talk to. S24 listens from time to time but just sort of nods and waits for me to be done. My ex was always so busy talking about her own drama that I would rarely get a word in edgewise.
Yesterday was busy. I was blind-sided by a conference call with the new company to talk about integrating computer systems. What I thought had been discussed and agreed to was suddenly not the path being taken. Since I had no background, I asked for a separate call after I could do my research.
This may sound "bad" and my ex would often get upset at me for it because she hated it when I "tooted my own horn", but I do indeed consider myself to be one of the best in the world at doing what I do. Part of that beyond more years of diverse experience than I care to think about is the fact that not very many people do do what I do - at least not the specific combination of skill sets which are both diverse and unique. Most people of my experience and skill level have moved on to executive positions but for a variety of reasons I'm still the guy on the front lines making stuff happen. Unlike some people who believe that they are not appreciated for their awesomeness (like my ex) I do know that I am well respected by all I work with and that is in part one of the things that got me through some very dark times knowing that even if my now ex was chasing after something "better" that there were lots of people who wanted me around for my professional skills.
One down side of this is that it makes people senior to me in the organization but junior to me in experience nervous. So I was annoyed but unsurprised when my boss who was also on the call requested one of his "hench-men" to also be on the next call - quietly and he thought discretely.
The call happened more or less as scheduled this morning. We covered off the issues, got a bit side-tracked but overall it was productive. My boss it turned out had called in to the phone bridge but - as he has done before - sat there silent not commenting except once towards the end where we were all surprised he was there.
Grumble.
Another thing that happened today was that the floor plan for our new offices was revealed as was the move date. Nov 1st. Rather short notice. On the floor plan 2 places were identified for the team that I'm on. The team contains 3 people. I did study to be a mathematician (no degree) and even I could figure out what that means.
I got a call in the afternoon from one of the team members who has been "very" worried and he told me that he had actually approached the other side of the partial merger and been politely rebuffed. The thought of doing this myself had crossed my mind but for a variety of practical and political reasons I never did. I figured that if they were interested, it would be best if they approached me and that it wouldn't be done until all the dust had cleared. I do hope my colleague hasn't shot himself in the foot with this bone-head move. I was much more polite talking to him and do have very real concerns myself.
I have had more than a few people at a variety of levels including fairly senior express the wish that I shift to the buy-out company with them. Having been a student of both Sun Tzu and Machiavelli I've certainly been positive but non-committal about this. This is not a time like during my divorce to burn the boats on the beaches. There is more than one path to the future.
I'm working on adding value to the company beyond my actual job description (which I have ignored for my entire working life) and it seems to be going well for me. But nothing in this world is guaranteed. I think anyone reading this would agree.
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Changing tack here, S24 had asked me on Monday if we could do driving practice on Tuesday. When I got home, he wasn't keen on it but we went out and he did fairly good. He did take one corner rather fast which had me clenching parts of my anatomy - but that is one advantage of doing this on an old beat-up car.
I took advantage of the time trapped in the car inspired by a recent posting by DnJ to do something that is unusual and difficult with him. We talked. I asked about his job - he's not real happy and is thinking of looking for something else. We talked about some of the options available to him and he's already pursued a few. One of the good but surprising things is that this part of Ontario has the lowest unemployment rate in the entire province so at least for now he has options.
We talked about him getting his license and various options for him there. I was surprised when we were talking about needing new snow tires for the old car when he volunteered to pay half.
A key thing that I wanted to talk about is the fact that I've been "down" lately and why. I told him that it's a big ole house and that lately it feels rather empty especially considering the time of year. I did mention that things were on hiatus with CL which seem to be quite a surprise to him. Even if he's rather selfish and self-centered, he did learn compassion and does have a kind heart and I think that my comments brought my recent moods into context for him.
I wasn't looking for help and he has been cutting me a lot of slack lately but I just wanted him to know that yeah - I still struggle and don't always do it well.
No idea if any of this gets passed back to his mother or not but that doesn't really matter. I did have a very vivid dream of reconciliation again last night but given everything else, that's not a surprise. It's also not something that I have any expectation of happening.
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On trivial but interesting to me matters, I took the pan dripping from the Thanksgiving duck and separated out the duck fat. I've been assured that it has 1001 uses around the kitchen and so will be cubing it and freezing it while I figure out what those uses are. Even though my culinary skills are pretty basic and modest, I'm rather proud of what I can accomplish. The bones are boiled and after I finish here, I'll separate out the meat and broth and bones in preparation to make duck stew this weekend.
We had an amazingly mild or even hot day today. I got a nice walk in at lunch, about 4 1/2 km and then cut the grass after work. Since it was the last time of the season, I siphoned off the last of the gas in the lawnmower gas tank for use in the snow-blower (and since it's a bad idea for it to sit). Fortunately I have some beer to help deal with the taste of gas as I'm not as good at siphoning as I perhaps should be
Dawn may be interested - if she managed to read this far down - that I'm doing an experiment with my kitchen compost. I have a "big" compost heap which is snow fence around about 400 cubic feet of space. The kitchen compost is mainly in a 40 gallon plastic barrel with vent holes. Much of what is in there is sloppy goo but I want some nice compost for the spring for my flower beds so today I added in a large amount of grass clippings / shredded leaves from the lawn mower plus perhaps 2 lbs of icing sugar of uncertain vintage that I will never have a use for. Presuming that the composter and the shed next to it doesn't explode I may have some very rich compost in the spring.
I heard from SIL1 today complaining that my ex continues her multi-week silence on social media. Knowing that she's been down to see D26 and had (presumably) a nice Thanksgiving dinner with her son that is also surprising to me. If I knew what was going on in the mind of my ex for these past few years though, I wouldn't be here.
Nothing directly from CL. She did a rare for her post to FB today. A meme about being tough and getting through stuff. A few hours late I noticed and pressed "like". When I was new here I would make a big deal out of such things. Now, it's not a big deal.
One thing that I've not mentioned here before which I will for a minor giggle is one of the complications of being an available guy on social media. There is a lady who S24 has instructed me that I'm not allowed to date. In learning more about her he may well be right. Humorously but perhaps somewhat unkind, her last name rhymes with "stalker" and I smile because within an hour or so of me posting anything to Instagram, there she is. She is quite pretty, age appropriate and has been divorced after her most recent short marriage for a year or so more than me.
Good morning Andrew
I am sorry you are experiencing some feelings of “down”, the big ole house feeling does press on oneself.
I was quietly reading your post at 6:10 this morning, everyone else asleep, the house quiet except the whirl of the furnace fan and the fridge purring away. Then read:
Presuming that the composter and the shed next to it doesn't explode I may have some very rich compost in the spring.
Ha ha. Totally off guard over here and a full out loud laugh. In this quiet still environment it sounded so loud! I must have woke someone up, still heavy footfalls were heard from upstairs soon after.
I do understand your stress at work, and from my point of view you have made good decisions regarding your future. I agree that allowing the new company to approach you would be a better tact. I also studied math and can see the floor plan and current staff misalignment. I do hope the best for you.
Wow, I am glad my rambling of having a talk with my D16 when driving as helped. I think it is good for them and you to not focus too “fully” on driving, a little distraction calms everyone involved. They are also in control of the car, having a conversation then also puts them in control of it, something they do not feel elsewhere. Just watch out for those fast corners.
I too miss having someone to explore ideas with. Here is pretty good, lots of good people. Talking to yourself is ok as well, but people look at you funny. So I keep that for the commute.
Hope today is a good one.
DnJ
If you studied mathematics you must listen to the album Musical Fruitcake by the Klein Four.
A Finite Simple Group of Order Two. That was pretty good. Didn’t get the I like cats you like dogs song out of my head. Lol.
kml - LOL - I think I'm in a non-finite sample group at this point. There's a lot of noise in the data making a good statistical analysis difficult
Still cruising along the bottom part of the roller-coaster but doing reasonably well.
A fair bit of news from the last couple of days to share. Liz is curled up around the tea-pot so if you don't have a fresh cuppa you're perhaps out of luck.
One of my best friends is having a tough time right now. He's on the other side of the corporate merger and coincidentally is the primary buyer for the product line that my side manufactures and packages. We joke a fair bit about that "my prices will amaze you!" but are pretty careful to not have a conflict of interest. He, and a fair number of others are very nervous about their careers as everyone expects some downsizing. He is very competent and well respected so I hope he'll be OK. He has a lot of anger going on though and I do worry from time to time that it will get the better of him.
He presented me with an ethical conundrum on Friday that I am struggling with. Despite in past times referring to her as a "stupid cow", he and my friend WL seem to be bonding. Perhaps over their common friendship with me. There certainly isn't anything untoward going on that I can detect. On Friday my friend told me that WL had asked him for a small loan so that she can take a course. She is very unhappy about where she is being slotted into the new organization. It was a bit of a red flag for me about her over-all being as she's 42, lives with her parents and the amount being talked about is fairly small. She's not approached me about a loan so it's not my problem. My friend and I both have been helped by the kindness of others both in material and emotional ways so it's difficult to step away from a friend in need.
It also made me think that this is yet another example on how I could make problems go away for a lady that I'm attracted to. Something that I'm not in the business of any more.
I did have a chance on Friday as well to talk to another friend who happens to be fairly senior in the finance group. I did express to him my concerns about my future and he responded with a look of complete horror and rapid assurances that I had absolutely nothing to worry about. Being as he's the guy who does the budgets I think that I can trust his comments. As much as I can trust anything.
I'd been working with another very nice lady who I think is interested in me at work. She's quite nice. Right after she heard about my separation she suggested that we "hang out". She's a couple of years older than me and has been single her entire life. In the 15 years I've known her I can't even recall her dating although she is a moderately private person and I don't pry. She's also been very positive on the contribution that I've been making to both sides of the acquisition. She lives in downtown Toronto and there was a concern about conflict of interest as we work(ed) on related projects not to mention the logistics of dating someone who lives so far away. She is like everyone else worried about her own future but I think that she'll very likely be fine. She may chose to quit though as there are no offices for her to work in that are close to her home and she hates commuting.
One thing that crosses my mind from time to time is that even with the support payments that I make I could indeed probably support a stay-at-home wife and a kid or two. At least if S24 stopped emptying the fridge. I do think though that I would want any new partner to have an income that at least covers the expenses that they would incur. Cold-hearted perhaps but practical.
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I did reach out to CL on Saturday morning with a short note. I told her that I "wasn't a ghost" but that I just didn't want to be an "unwelcome distraction". She responded back as I was getting ready to head out that she would welcome a distraction. Gears spun, priorities were balanced and I wrote back that after I was done groceries the rest of the weekend was available and that perhaps we could hit a farmer's market close to where she lived. That got a response listing all the things she had pre-planned for the weekend and regrets. The biggest thing is that her kids are struggling and fighting all the time. Her S13 is being especially difficult. I responded with a "no problem - we'll figure something out later" and she thanked me for being understanding.
Thinking about it, it's probably good that I've not sent her flowers. That would be very confusing for her kids, probably especially her son. At this point I'm not going to mention the stag and doe in 2 weeks. She did text me late last night letting me know about a production of Man of LaMancha on at a local theatre suggesting that S24 and I might like it. I thanked her and said that I'd check it out.
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Congratulations to those who have read along this far. Yesterday morning I used up the last of the left-over mashed potatoes as potato pancakes. I mixed an egg, a small bit of flour and some pepper and garlic in. I felt quite clever when scooping it out with a small measuring cup which gave me a ball on the frying pan which I pressed flat. Topped it with the tomato jam from a friend. Feeling proud of my accomplishment, I posted a picture on Instagram which in a few minutes had a like first from Stalker Lady's daughter and then the lady herself.
I was a bit surprised a bit later when getting my scone to see SL working in the kitchen of the cafe helping out on an astoundingly busy day. She does work there from time to time doing some of the baking mid-week when the cafe isn't open. The cafe was featured recently in an airline magazine and in the "Butter Tarts & Buggies Fall Frolic Tour" that is going on this weekend so it being jammed wasn't a surprise. SL really wanted to chat but both as they were crazy busy and because I'd been told that she has ADD and has difficulty focusing and getting stuff done, I kept it short and headed home after telling my friend the owner that if she was struggling to make it home that I had wine chilling in the fridge to sustain her for the next 3 blocks. She didn't stop and she never does - but it's fun to joke around - both of us staying very carefully on the friend side of this lovely and married woman.
At the flower shop I had a nice chat with the lady there who seemed surprised and slightly flustered as she was explaining how to tell how good a rose was that I said - well you know far more about that than me. I think she perhaps doesn't think of herself as an expert on things? Or perhaps is used to men talking down to her? Her S6 was off with his dad and I almost suggested going out later but didn't (where did I put that courage?). I mentioned that I had been starting to buy Halloween candy and suggested that I bring some in for her son and she was very keen on that. It seems that the chocolate coins I usually pack are a big hit with him.
I did stop by the local auto-wreckers and was able to score a new set of snow tires for half the price I was given for new. I'm getting those put on next weekend.
At home I spent far too much time putting in a new outlet for moving the internet router from the front bedroom I use as a home office to the hall closet. Much of the time was used up trying to fish the phone cable up from the basement. For some reason my fish tape wasn't going up the wall cavity. After much frustration, I cut the doorbell wire that goes through the same spot, pulled a string down with it and then both the doorbell wire and phone cable back up. I then spliced the doorbell back together. Not the preferred method. S24 watched the boxes when I restored power and the house didn't burn down so that's good. A second test with my circuit tester indicated that all the wires were connected properly. I'm debating getting a technician in from the phone company to finish the hook-up or doing it myself. I re-wired this entire big house by myself when we moved in nearly 30 years ago. I'm surprised at how much it took out of me to do this one simple job. I felt exhausted afterwards.
Part of why I want to move the router is the outside chance that I'll need this room as a bedroom in case I hook up with a woman who has more than 2 kids. Optimistic perhaps. But what the heck.
When tidying up the mess from the wiring job, I was very shocked to come across my ex-wife's old pool cue in it's case in the closet tucked in behind some camping equipment. I can't understand how it got missed and was sure that I had put it in the front porch 2 years ago for her to take. I took it up to S24 to hand over to her.
There was also a phone call on Friday morning from the retirement home that my ex's (deceased) parents were in. No message although S24 might have dealt with it. I expect that it was just them trying to reach my ex with an out of date phone number. This sort of stuff will probably happen for many more years.
On the ex-wife front there is pretty much nothing. I drove past her apartment on my way to work on Thursday and her car wasn't there in the morning but that could mean anything. She's silent still on social media but I was told that she was tagged in the city that OM lives in at a restaurant with a friend. I sent her her monthly payment yesterday and if she's true to form, she won't pick it up until the 15th when it is due.
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A friend had sent me a link to a job opening at the sign factory in my village that he thought I might be interested in. It's a pretty junior position and TBH if the world hadn't changed dramatically 2 1/2 years ago, I might have taken it. If not for my ex-wife's affair, the house would be pretty much paid off and I would be considering cruising into retirement. A significant cut in pay wouldn't be a problem.
While checking out the job though I noticed that the same factory had just posted an opening in their production line. I immediately brought it to S24's attention and he's going to apply. Since it was buried online and hasn't been in the paper as yet and was just posted 2 days ago, he should be at the front of the line. He seemed pretty keen on it.
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This post or one more will quite probably end this thread. I'm still more or less on the path that I was on when I started this thread and so will continue in the direction intended. I'm not "up" like I hoped to be but that's ok. I'm not as down as I was several days ago when I did feel like collapsing into a puddle.
It's a beautiful fall day here. I think I'll put out my bird feeder today. I have to build a shelf to hold the router in the closet - it's nice doing the more traditional AndrewP tasks around the house. I miss a lot of the puttering and fixing and such that I used to have the luxury of time to do. My tea-pot is now empty. The cat has gone off to rest after her exertions of sleeping next to the tea-pot and I need to head over to the cafe to see what soup they have for my lunch.
Laundry, ironing and perhaps steak for Sunday supper. It's been a couple of weeks since we had that.
a bien-tot mes ami.
Hey Andrew,
Just chiming in to let you know I'm still following along.
I'm glad you're still posting and sharing your story. When do you think you'll know what is going on with your job? I hope your son gets the new job at the factory. It would be good for him to be on his own and staring his own life while you continue to explore yours.
dream
dream! So nice to hear from you.
Yes, I'm still here, rambling on about this and that. The job stuff will probably be in some sort of limbo until spring by the sounds of it. My son still hasn't applied for the new job but as winter starts, working indoors will probably be appealing. He's got a pretty sweet deal here but I think feels somewhat constrained living under Dad's roof.
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An interesting few days. At work yesterday at the small plant I work at now on Mondays and Tuesdays the company president and our sole salesman had a meeting in the boardroom I use as an office. Historically we didn't do sales out of this group and the now president handled things like customer requests and such himself. The two men have a very different view of what is involved in the role and it was a rather awkward conversation for me to be a witness to. I did leave the room for a while on an unnecessary errand.
It was also interesting listening to the salesman do customer calls. As I've always known it's all about relationships plus a little bit of "grease" - in this case one of the customers got a set of sports tickets in exchange and the rep said that he'd stop in to "drop them off" - getting a meeting with a major customer. While there I got a cold call myself from a sales rep and as always I was polite even though the call was unsolicited and for services that are not needed. I think I got some respect from our salesrep when at the end of the call I commented that I fully understood how tough cold-calling is.
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Since I get home at a decent hour now on Mondays and Tuesdays I took the time yesterday to empty the refrigerator, move it out and clean under it. Checking back, the fridge was bought in 2005 and quite possibly has never been moved since. There had been a smell coming from it's general direction and while amidst the fuzz, dust and miscellany under there there was nothing specific the smell did move to the trash. It was difficult doing this alone as the back is shimmed up quite a bit due to a non-flat floor (old house). S24 was out and not back until late. It did make me feel good to accomplish this on my own.
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No word from CL. It's funny - at the beginning it was almost a contest between her and "stalker lady" to be the first to like my social media posts. CL herself has never been very prolific but I presume she was keen on watching me back then. That stopped some time ago even though there were a few things that I thought she might have been interested in (I don't tag her) such as the party coming up in a couple of weeks and my getting tickets for a play she recommended that I'm interested in.
I'm thinking that - to use a rural phrase - "that dog don't hunt" - that at least for now there's no room in her life for me. I'm more or less not "waiting" for her, but neither am I rushing off in a different direction. I've got a fair bit on the go myself. I did notice though that 3 of the ladies who I remember being almost courageous enough to contact on POF have revived their profiles in recent times with comments about how there are certain things that they now "don't" like about men. I think having been an observer in online dating for about 2 years now has given me a feel for who is out there and what their experiences have been. Fairly typical I would think. Am I a lot different from the men they've met? Perhaps. Or perhaps not.
I'm in the middle of a book she recommended and when I finish that will let her know what I thought of it (thus far pretty good). If she does want to continue things though she's going to have to throw out some sort of crumbs in the next month.
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Today is the first day of legal pot in Canada. I have no intention of partaking. I did a couple of times in my 20s and didn't like the effects. I was putting a sock into S24's room this morning which had somehow ended up in my laundry and noticed that he now has a bong. I don't recall seeing it before, but his room is such a mess that it might have been around before. He's an adult but I think respects the fact that this is more my house than his. He limits his mess (largely) to his room. I fully expect him to partake but hope that he is modest with it.
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I'm now working harder on losing weight. Even though my appetite isn't great, it's still tough. For many years, especially when I was quite heavy (I'm still on the large size) I had peripheral artery disease. A side effect of this was water retention in my legs which was very obvious when I took off my socks. Also was the loss of hair on the lower part of my legs. I noticed yesterday that my old hairy "hobbit toes" seem to be making an appearance. Even though I'm 54 heading quickly towards 55, I'm probably healthier than I have been since my mid-30s. While I may have a bit too much wine and beer at times, I tend to eat healthily and modestly especially compared to before.
With that said, I'm craving going out for wings and beer tonight and may give in. There's a local pub the next village over that does a great job of it.
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Well - time to get back to work. I have a technician coming this afternoon to re-wire my router to a closet from the bedroom it is in. I've done the wiring, he just has to hook up. That then opens up this room to get the wall-paper stripped and plaster patched. My ex used to not only have large amounts of "stuff" around and hated me touching it, but also used to make a fuss at any mess created. Much less stuff and no fussing is nice. I can do the work in this room for very little cost. I have other renovations I want to do in the next while but some of them will cost a modest amount.
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New thread - Tacos in Icaria
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2817885&#Post2817885