I heard all the cool kids were hanging out down here so I decided to come take a look.
I like this area of the forum so much better than the others.... everyone is moving on, not much talk about ex's and the stories are way better! My kinda scene!
A real quick recap... My wife left a little over three years ago. I went dark and she came back a year later. We psuedo dated for a year but I don't think either of us could recommit 100%. So about a year ago, I filed the papers for the big D and it was finalized in December 17. We speak once every 6 weeks or so via text and I hardly ever see her. No hard feelings either side, I am over it. No kids.
OK enough of that. So why am I down here? Welp.. something has been on my mind lately. I am mid/late 30's man and my desire to date is zero.... basically non-existent. I have done a lot of work on myself during those three years and I have come a long way but you can count the number of dates I have been on one hand. And of those, probably only 2 were official dates and I knew both of those were not going any where before hand. I dabble on the sites, apps here and there and the opportunities are there. I know what I am looking for and am not interested in wasting anyones time.
Anyway, I was thinking about my lack of desire to date lately and it seems abnormal to me. My friends definitely think it is abnormal and I catch a ton of flack. So I'm trying to figure out why this is the case. I am worried that I am just using my lack of dating almost as a defense mechanism subconsciously. If I don't date I can't get hurt. Or maybe it is some weird subconscious confidence type issue? Maybe I have built a wall up and don't want to let anyone in. Or maybe it's just that I have not met the right girl? I really have no idea. My goal in life is definitely to have a family so I better get going!
What do ya'll think?? Anyone have a similar experience? Should I just date for the sake of dating??
Hmm. This is interesting.
For a while after ex left, i felt like i just wanted another relationahip so badly. So that i could do everything differently. Learn from my mistakes. Proove that i am nice. Not a emotionally abusive partner...etc, etc.
I always knew, but i am now experiencing that everyone has negative tratis. They might be different in each person, but they are still negative. And you get to the point of, " people suck. Do i really want to deal with these negative traits? Do i really want to deal with someone elses crap? Its different crap sure. But its still crap.
I dont know if i built up a wall, or am choosing the wrong guys either. Or maybe im just recognizing things I didn't before.
Do you actually benefit from coupling up with someone? If not, whats the point?
Now thats how i feel at 40 with a kid. Although i always wanted another child so i understand where your coming from.
If you want a family, its a little different i guess. Although as a man, you dont have as much pressure.
I feel the exact same way, so I was happy to see I wasn’t alone and/or abnormal. 😊 I have been separated for five years and can count on one hand the dates I’ve been on. I’m just not that interested. It comes in waves where I really want to meet someone and I’ll dabble on the sites then I get bored, or busy and lose interest again. I don’t think it’s healthy for me but I don’t see why it’s wrong either.
On the other hand, if you’re wanting a family then you must start dating. Maybe going and getting involved in things you find interesting. You never know the connections you might make.
I am mid/late 30's man and my desire to date is zero.... basically non-existent.
pinn,
After my divorce I jumped right into dating. I thought it'd be interesting, and it was, but not in the way I'd expected.
I'm very busy with work, my sons and various projects. I have enough commitments to keep me busy for the next decade. Dating requires a lot of time, and it can become expensive as well. Now, I just focus on my sons, myself and my projects. Along the way, if I meet someone I like, then maybe I'll start dating. Otherwise, I'm just not interested in wasting my time and money. My sons and I are happy and healthy, so I don't need to torpedo my current bliss by entering into another relationship simply for the sake of being in a relationship.
I never thought about it from a guys perspective. It does get expensive. I guess if you want that person to grow old with or raise a family with it becomes a worthwhile investment. But later in life, some us are not seeking that out.
It does get very expensive. That's why doing dinner and drinks on the first meeting is not a good idea. Coffee is probably the best bet. It's cheaper, lol. Or one drink, and not dinner.
I stay mindful and try to offer to split or leave tip.
Thanks guys for chiming in. I gotta figure out what's going in this crazy lil mind of mine. It goes in all different directions sometimes and thinks crazy things. I definitely like my own time, being able to do what I want when I want etc. But I also liked being in a relationship for different reasons... I just enjoyed it. And now I am so far removed from that.... it's a little scary to be honest.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I went to London and Ireland for a friends wedding.... by myself and it was.... awesome! I explored all day/night and did what ever I want, saw what I wanted to see... there was no one else's desires to keep in mind. But my mind went back and forth between thinking this is great to gosh... it would be nice to have shared this with someone. On a tour I went on there was a newlywed couple sitting right in front of me and it definitely brought out some interesting, weird and confusing thoughts. So I have to figure this out otherwise I'll be like Liz Lemon from 30 Rock when she was worrying about dying alone in her apartment all the time ;-).
I deleted all online apps because if I am not going to do anything with them then whats the point. I also found they were taking way too much of my time. I need to break the phone habit ugh! Terrible! I have a hit on a few women IRL (in real life as the kids say). It was well received I am just a terrible judge of age apparently. Maybe just keep going that way.
I also have limited time. I have a 2 hr one way commute and live in the sticks. I can't move for a little bit. So it's tough in that regard as well. hmph!!
The more I have been thinking about it the more and more I think my lack of dating is defensive in nature...don't do it and you can't get bit type of deal. Hmph I don't know. The expense of it does not concern me. Actually,it would be nice to spend money on someone again. I think my ideal type of first date would actual be maybe a short walk or easy hike. Then we can go from there and the second one can be more elaborate. I don't think many early 30s women would be woo'd by that or a coffee date though haha! But if they were... (love eyes).
Ugh! What a day! So besides issues with XW and divorce the past three years... my parents have been a constant source of immense stress. They had their own marital issues but more so their health and mental states. My dad lost his jobs two years ago, my mom had constant health issues and passed away a year and half ago. Now my dad is having tons of health issues and losing it mentally. I live a mile away from him and feel an immense burden to look after him even though I would love to move. I would take divorce 1000x over compared to the stress I feel worrying about my parents.
Anyway, my dad is an alcoholic which made reading Don's thread on WG interesting. No one knows it really, he is fully functional but I know it, my siblings know it, and my mom sure as h3ll knew it. Probably 5+ drinks per day for 45 years or so. He had a drs appoint a few weeks and comes home saying he wants to go into detox. Great! He did everything on his own, set it all up and went in friday morning. I get a call today saying they had to send him to the hospital because the withdrawals are severe. So I thought I should go visit him. Wow! What a disaster! I cannot believe alcohol withdrawal can have that level of severe side affects. Confusion, hallucinations, shakes, anger... it was unbelievable and incredibly stressful. I probably should have not gone but that thought didn't even enter my mind before hand. I'm sure they are going to have to tie him down tonight.
So I left and I was a bit angry at my brother and sister because I feel like all of the burden is falling on me. I call my brother and tell him that... a bit angrily I admit. He was calm. I think he could get the feeling that there were other things involved beyond what I had witnessed at the hospital. Then I just lost it... i cried and cried and cried like a baby on the phone. Total mental breakdown and there was no controlling it. Just so much stuff was built up and came out. Anger at my dad for how he treated my mom, my life being a mess, and my being sad and lonely and so much more.
The sad and lonely part I did not really realize until that very instant... or at least the extent of it. I miss having someone there for comfort. I miss having someone there to tell about these types of feelings. I just miss it. I thought about it the whole hour drive home. I gotta fix it but know I am in no spot to even try to get into a serious relationship. ugh!
ahhhhhhh... and now there is this half marathon I am supposed to run first thing in the morning... in the pouring rain... jeessshhh. I didn't train because I was supposed to be in China for work so I thought I would not be able to attend... but that travel was postponed at the last minute. I'll just do it and try not to get hurt. Might be beneficial actually.
Google "DTs* or delirium tremens. It is really scary and dangerous. I think health care workers do not understand how vital good communication is when discussing alcoholism with a patient. Sometimes they just say "you need to quit drinking" without fully informing the patient about the safe way to go about doing it.. it is really scary and can cause seizures and death. Alcohol might be one of the most dangerous drugs to withdraw from...so i hope he is being monitored closely, maybe even hospitilized?
Thanks juju... yes I should have clarified. He is actually in the hospital because things are bad. I literally had no idea it would be this bad but read about it all last night. I can’t believe your body does so much to compensate for the alcohol abuse that this the result when you stop.
Hi, pinn! Welcome to this part of the world. As usual, I'm late to the party, but just wanted to comment on what you said about having no interest in dating. I've been divorced for coming up on 4 years now and for the first year after, I had NO desire to date. Even after that year, I kind of wanted to but not enough that I actually put myself out there to do so. It has taken awhile. Even now, I'm not all that interested in dating a bunch of different folks. If someone asked me out a few months ago, I would've likely said yes, if I liked them ok, but wasn't actively seeking anything, so I get what you are saying. You are definitely not alone.
Sorry about all that your dad is going through. That must be really rough for you. Hang in there!
{{{{{pinn}}}}}
Get thee to Alanon my friend. It will help. trust me on this.
Good for your dad for wanting a better way of life. I'm glad you had that breakthrough even though it felt like a breakdown. Better out than in and this is now your time to heal as well.
Your initial question about dating -- I think it takes someone exceptional to make me take notice these days. Otherwise, I can't be bothered. Too much else on my plate. Also, I find that I look at people and think weird thoughts, "Do I REALLY want to take the time to get to know this person, their friends and family? What's the point?" Seems like too much effort.
One friend told me I was too busy dating myself. If that's the case, it's going well, lol!
good luck to dad and hang in there Pinn xoxoxo
Thanks Guys. I appreciate the well wishes!
My dad had to be moved to the cardiac care unit because his heart started to act up. I am just shocked that withdrawal is this bad. I feel guilty for not reading up on this more before hand. I was not prepared for this and I don’t think he was either. Honestly, if I was aware, given his age and health, I might have been against this move. He is incapacitated at the moment. He cannot really communicate, has no idea where he is and is hallucinating. Someone has to be with him at all times. This is going to be a long haul.
It is eye opening watching this. I have no idea how anyone can get off this stuff if this is what you go through first. On top of all that, I have to start caring for his stuff. It’s hard because I cannot communicate with him and he has been in this state for a week. He has a beach house that he rents and I think people are booked for there next week. No clue how I am going to figure out what to do there but I will. It is just 2.5 hrs away.
Needless to say, any concerns about me dating or not are the last thing on my mind. 😊
BFLY... my thoughts exactly!
Your initial question about dating -- I think it takes someone exceptional to make me take notice these days. Otherwise, I can't be bothered. Too much else on my plate. Also, I find that I look at people and think weird thoughts, "Do I REALLY want to take the time to get to know this person, their friends and family? What's the point?" Seems like too much effort.
Hello pinn,
It took me a long time to considering dating. I knew I was not emotionally ready, and feared I would repeat the same mistakes I did in my marriage. I focused on my kids, developed new skills and tried new things, like skydiving and acting. A year ago, I tried online dating and realized I still wasn't ready.. which was annoying because I am older. Thank goodness now I'm more at ease with myself. The better I am about me, the better I can be with another whether it's dating, friendships, etc.
As buttrfly said, going to Al Anon will help.
Sending hugs and prayers for your dad's recovery.
Thanks Gypsy. Soooo... I guess I am not alone in this thinking!! Good to know! I do think that I need to start getting a Lil adventurous though in this dating game though whether I want to or not. Im a catch d@mn it!
My dad is still in the hospital in a weird coma like state 90% of the time (he’s not in a coma, but that’s the way to describe it). I still cannot believe this. If I knew this ahead of time I would definitely been against him quitting drinking like this. He can’t even swallow! He’s been in there over a week!
Hello pinn. I´m a follower of your sitch.
Sending energy and wishes for your dad´s recovery.
Oh Pinn, I am so sorry. I am nurse who worked ICU and saw many go through DT's. I agree with Juju, if someone does plan on quitting drinking like your father did, it should be managed in the hospital with the correct medications and protocol.
I wish for him to have a full recovery and really get his life back on track. I know dealing with an addict parent is very difficult. My mother died when I was 21, she was a coke addict. I never went to Al-Anon, but I probably should have, it might have helped. I have no siblings, my parents were divorced, so my mom was my responsibility at the age of 17-21. I know how lonely it could feel.
You'll date when you feel it's right. I'm in my 30's also, the upper end of them. You'll find someone who piques your interest and you'll realize you may be ready.
Thanks Neffer and Ginger . We'll get through it... it's been a wild three+ years! Jeeesh... but it flew by!
So I was thinking a bit about the dating situation. Reading down here in the forum is so interesting... seeing the different paths people take with dating etc. Anyway, I was thinking about myself and realized a few things. First, my dating experience has been rather limited. XW and I were neighbors, we grew up together, I knew her since I was 11 or 12 and we were high school sweet hearts. There was no 'dating' there... it just happened. We were on and off for 20 or so years. During that time, she dated but I did not really. I had some girls who I guess I dated. So I definitely have no idea what I am doing now adays. But I guess J9 didn't either... hmph! But I do think when I meet the right person, it will flow naturally.
The second thing I thought about was this. I thought about every girl I have ever 'dated' or even hung out with over the years. Every single one, including XW, all were heavy pursuers. All of them. I have never pursued anyone, with much effort anyway. Even the few dates I have had the past year were because they kept asking and pressuring otherwise I would have never asked them. I found that interesting and am not sure what exactly that means. That's probably something that has to change.
The final thing is the sex issue. Of course my friends think I should be 'sleeping with anything that moves' but that's not my style (obviously see above) and I'm OK with that. I want to of course but I can wait. I think if I were to sleep with someone early on, that would actually mean that I had no interest in a relationship with them. Just thought that was interesting too reading some stories down here.
ahh who knows. I think it'll be a good year though. This is about a year since I decided it was time to file the papers so hopefully I am in a good frame of mind for a relationship. I think the next one will be good. I should have given up on XW loonnng before she became Mrs Pinn.
carry on!
pinn,
I believe I'll have to comment on your thread more often. Oddly enough I went on a date with an interesting guy from a dating app and had the best time ever. It was so refreshing to be 'myself'.. not triple thinking if I was saying or doing the right thing. The conversations were far-reaching, it was easy to be together. I truly believed what he said about wanting to get to know someone, laugh and have fun, then see what develops. The evening ended with a kiss on the cheek which was sweet.
The "I'm not a pessimist but am prepared for the worst side" of me is content if it's "one and done". What a relief to know that meeting someone can be fun, and staying in the here and now is rewarding. And that there is something not inherently wrong with me wanting to know someone first. Finally, I can be comfortable in my own skin and see what's right in another person for me!
Thanks for checking in Gypsy and post away... post away haha! I think my story might be a lil boring for a bit though
.
I read your sitch. Congrats on the date... sounds fun!
Hi pinn, how is your dad doing?
Ugh... thanks for asking. He is still in the hospital going on two weeks tomorrow now. He has a feeding tube in and still doesn’t know where he is. He is asleep more or less all the time. Of course I have to leave for China on Saturday morning. The whole thing is crazy!
whooooshhh... time is flying! Scary!
Went to China last week for work. Much better place than I expected and very interesting. I would definitely go back to see more of the country. In the last year and a half I have been to Hawaii, London, Ireland, China and a bunch of US cities with still some to go for 2018... talk about some GAL! Hope to keep this traveling up! Hope 2019 can measure up.
I had my annual labor day party yesterday. XW and I started this and I kept it going after the split. Always a good time!
They moved my dad to a nursing home now. He is in terrible, terrible shape. Right when I got there yesterday he fell and smashed his head on the ground. He is never going to be the same and that makes me sad and stressed. I would take divorce 1000x over this. I was thinking yesterday about how I feel like my next relationship will be really special and my parents will never know. My mom passed away about a year and half ago. That's sad because if I am into someone enough to want to introduce them to my parents, I would be really excited to do it. And they would have been excited to met her as well. XW was the only SO of mine they had ever met.
Anyway, enjoy the weekend!
I am so sorry to read about your dad. I hope that the nursing home is making him comfortable.
((((((Pinn))))))). Hope your dad stabilizes quickly. All that he has been through is just so alarming and I know how completely unexpected this was for you and your siblings. It’s so sad.
Sending you a big hug man. It´s life Pinn, keeping the ones we´ve loved in memory, and when we remember them we do it with peace and joy
Thanks Pax and Nef! Appreciate it... ugh what a mess! I think in a year or so this will make it even easier for me to leave this area.... but in the meantime... total nightmare.
Anyway, went out with a few work friends last night. It was interesting because we are all kind of in similar situations but yet they are so different. Work friend #1 situation is similar to mine.... girl he knew since high school, married short period of time and she left. Only difference is that their D was messy and he started dating instantly after the break up. Work friend #2 just got of a 5 year relationship and also started dating immediately. He is one of the most passive, least confident people I have ever met. Then there is my new employee. So this was interesting. He left his wife because he is 'not a one woman man'. His exwife and his kids live in Pittsburgh, he works in Boston. He goes back to Pittsburgh and hooks up with his exwife and dates up in Boston. Then he starts showing pics that his exwife sends him..... whoa! (why he would show me those, I don't know). Anyway, it was just a real interesting dynamic hearing everyone discuss their situations and dating life. New employee is obviously completely different than myself and work friend #1.
I left there and had a long train ride home and I was thinking (with a few beers in me of course). And I felt..... pathetic! Oh man did I ever. I think I am definitely doing things wrong. I am just sitting here and time is flying by. I feel like I just want to leave everything here and move far, far away. I was also thinking... man... I never got a pic from my ex even when we were together!... this guy is still getting em and they are done!
Welp on the bright side... it is saturday morning and if there is one place that takes all this away... its the gym! so off i go!
Sure you never got pics. But i bet their dynamic plays like a jerry springer show.
Time for a little update...
My dad is getting remarkably better... thankfully. Things were looking really bad there for a little bit but he is getting better and better every week. I think he will be able to live on his own again. Looking on the bright side, now I know exactly where he stands financially... I know all. Now that things are calming down and looking up, I can sit back and reflect a little. I feel a weird sense of accomplishment through all this. Things were hard and it was all on my shoulders figuring out what to do, how to handle everything without being able to discuss anything with my dad. I think I did pretty well balancing all his stuff, work and my own life. So I'll give my self a little pat on the back for that!
I have a totally different outlook on addiction now. To be honest, I did not have much sympathy for addicts before this. But now I do. I honestly don't know how someone can quit alcohol if this is what you have to go through. But I guess that is why we go through life. Every experience is a learning one so we can change our perspectives. Mine certainly has in this case.
Needless to say, with everything going on dating has been the furtherest thing from my mind. I had those dating apps but I was just window shopping and never had the intention of doing anything. After reading some threads here and views of OLD, I thought that was not very fair, so I deleted them all. I'll just let things flow for now.
I was talking to a friend recently and she was saying how casually dating is one thing, but having someone she knows she can trust in a relationship is a whole different level. And I think this is my problem. Trust is probably number one for me relationship wise... definitely up there anyway. In fact, that is when I know it was over with my ex. The day I realized that I could never 100% trust her is the day I decided that it was over. It is just so so important. But I will have to get over that and give someone a chance.
Besides that things are busy busy. I'm going to Disney this weekend and have my first marathon coming up in a little bit in early Dec. What a pain that is to train for but.... mind over matter. Maybe 2019 is the year!
Hope you and your father are doing ok Pinn. My best wishes for both of you.
Take care man!
Thanks Nef! My dad is doing real well... actually he will be coming home on Monday. And there was a time where he was feeding the monster next to him ice and asking why I kept turning into towels. I have read some stories on here relating to alcoholics. I used to really have no sympathy for my dad. I used to think that calling it a disease was just an excuse... just stop drinking and being selfish. But not anymore. Total change of view point. I don't know how anyone can quit after what I witnessed for the past three months,
Anyway, obviously that was taking up all my thought recently. But now it's time to get back to me and make 2019 great. This has put selling both his house and my house at the top of the priority list. I just can't get into the dating game. I deleted all the apps from my phone. I chatted with a few women but figured if I am not going to do anything then it is pointless to go on these things. I was spending too much time on my phone anyway. BUT it is time to figure out what to try and do there. I got a life to live and I got a lot to offer! I mean come on well educated, great, decently paying job, no debt, pretty damn good shape....let's go! Only negative is the lack of hair :-)... (I joke, I joke... trust me... I am fully aware of my flaws!) I just have to make the effort and not be so picky I guess.
Anyway, that's that. Have a few trips coming up to the west coast to end the year, one to run a marathon. So I'll go get it!
Glad to read Pinn. My mothers was a doctor (she´s retired now) and she was a smoker since her teenage days. She had a pancreatitis and spent a week into the intensive care unit, that´s how she quitted. Well, she survived. Alcohol is much worst.
Keep GAL. You need to open some more P. How about some IC?
There are some cheap wigs for sale on the web. Take a look at them. There are some Kardashian´s models that are really good, you have to buy the whole combo: long black hair wig and texan pink boots...rock´n roll man!
Haha! Lucky for me I guess I have a decently shaped head :-). It doesn't look so bad on me. Besides...I say embrace it! Be confident! Haha!
Keep GAL. You need to open some more P. How about some IC?
Interesting comment. Are you saying I am not open enough on here or in life? There probably is some truth to that. I am certainly not as good at expressing myself as some on here, really never have been... but I am working on it! I also do not have time for long postings all that often. I have definitely come a long way since BD in all aspects of life. I feel like I understand things much clearer now and I know exactly what I am looking for in a partner. But I could always be more open and honest about how I am feeling.
The IC part... meh... I don't know. I thought about it right after BD but not so much the past few years. Maybe I should look into it again.
Thanks for stopping by!
I never liked IC either. I felt like it was no different from talking to a good friend.
I did not like the alanon meetings either. Too many rules and it reminded me of church (which i never went to) in that every one just reads passages over and over. It was not for me.
Regarding alcholism and drug addiction. I get that its a disease. Its a really sad disease. Its a disease thats powerful enough to break mother-child bonds. But its different then cancer. Theres a way out. A chance to fight addiction. Cancer does not give someone that.
The issue seems to be that the person denies there is a problem. And the people that surround that person sometines enable that thought process. My ex was a secret addict. If i had known, i would have harassed him and sought interventions. I think he knew that. And when it became inevitable that i was about to find out (financial questioning) he twisted things to sabatoge a marriage and blamed everything on me. It was gaslighting and distraction.
He moved back in with his mom who continued denying and enabling (despite me giving her proof)
The other issue is that they need to want it badly enough. They need to value someone or sonething else more then the addiction. Theres a selfishness there. To me, my son is just so important to me. An addiction would take away so much from him that i would be willing to seek any intervention and medical help to stop.
I hope your dad is ok. I would imagine addiction is a very lonely and enpty life. I am glad you are able to be empathetic to him but still live your own life.
About IC, I thought the same as you both, until I really needed one...
Not saying here. We share our love here. It´s about us, our inside and the real world...piece of cake.
I have definitely come a long way since BD in all aspects of life. I feel like I understand things much clearer now and I know exactly what I am looking for in a partner.
I think as long as it all makes sense to you, then that's totally fine.
On the other hand, IC does sometimes give you other perspectives to take into consideration and think about. And those can end up being game changers.
On this:
But I could always be more open and honest about how I am feeling.
I was actually just reading about intimacy and co-dependency today. Not saying you are co-dependent, or have been in the past...I don't know. But I read a few a interesting things about intimacy and how to become more intimate with another person. A lot of it was about being open and honest with the other person about your own feelings (whatever they may be).
I guess I had some trouble with this in my M. I don't think I expressed myself enough or in a positive way. Not meaning that what I might have to say was positive or negative, more about *the manner* in which I expressed myself as well as the depth of it.
Again, you could trace that back to whether I felt safe or not, both in my M and growing up. I don't really want to get sidetracked as to the specific reasons why I don't feel safe growing up - I know what they are (and funnily enough it was an IC that pointed this out to me, in one sentence she said). But for the purposes of where we're at now, and how we're moving forward, the question for me is how I can become more honest and expressive?
I know that most of the people I meet find me very open and expressive and easy to connect with. I meet a lot of people because I work in two different fields, and I work a lot with different teams, different industry professionals and members of the public too.
I think it's maybe because I'm very clear about being interested in them (I really am), the passions I have in my life and how I articulate them. People describe me as charming. So maybe it's about joining up what's on the surface to what's deeper inside me and being more genuinely clear and expressive about that? For me, anyway...that might not work for you?
Thanks for the replies Nef, juju and focus. Much appreciated.
Nef.. how did you know you needed IC? I am not against them... I don't really have an opinion since I never experienced one. I'm open to the possibility.
I know that most of the people I meet find me very open and expressive and easy to connect with. I meet a lot of people because I work in two different fields, and I work a lot with different teams, different industry professionals and members of the public too.
I think it's maybe because I'm very clear about being interested in them (I really am), the passions I have in my life and how I articulate them. People describe me as charming. So maybe it's about joining up what's on the surface to what's deeper inside me and being more genuinely clear and expressive about that? For me, anyway...that might not work for you?
This is interesting focus... thank you. I would very much like to easily connect with people. I'm fine talking with people but it is all superficial. Perhaps I need to make more of an effort in showing that I am genuinely interested in them. I definitely do need to find some way to join whats on the surface to what is deeper inside. I want that deep connection with people. Of course people's upbringing has a major impact here. My family really didn't talk about important things... we just didn't. But I think this is something I can work on. Thanks!
Of course people's upbringing has a major impact here. My family really didn't talk about important things... we just didn't. But I think this is something I can work on. Thanks!
You're welcome.
And you're absolutely right, it does have a major impact.
I grew up with a family that all had very powerful personalities. Some were off the scale and quite explosive (I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, and I now think that my grandfather had either PTSD from fighting on the front line during WWII, or was suffering the effects of a major brain injury he had when I was a small child, or a mixture); or they were extremely self centred and self serving (my own dad had a very severe personality disorder, my first step dad drank and lot and had *a lot* of affairs); and some were at the other end of the scale and very withdrawn (my gran, who was like a true second mother to me).
It was never really very safe for me to be me. For one, I had no idea what sort of mood I'd be walking into whenever I walked into a room (pre-argument, mid explosion, post argument, simmering resentment...).
On the plus side, I became extremely good, very, very quickly at judging the mood and feel of a room as soon as I walked into it. I needed that to survive, if you like, and not make sure I ended up in over my head and overwhelmed.
So, guess what comes in handy now? I use the skill I leant as a temperature gauge, and people mostly feel very comfortable with me, like I get them somehow, and know what the deal is with them without having to say anything.
The other thing you could try, I guess, is to explore the opposite of what you learnt as a child. See where that takes you. So for me, I learnt it wasn't really safe for me to be me. So I'm exploring finding out who I am, and also trying that out - and also sharing that with people, either in the doing of it, or in the talking about it afterwards. I'm also quite open about how I feel/felt in the doing of it. There's still lots that I don't know, or am unsure of, but I'm trying lots of different things at the moment (nothing that's harmful, or illegal though...all good, healthy stuff). I mean, who ever imagined that I would have gone running (and loved it), claimed mountains or gone rock climbing (I have a total fear of heights).
I guess that's a a kind of GAL? But it's not just connecting with the person that you were pre M, it's going much further back and connecting with who you were as a child.
Nef.. how did you know you needed IC? I am not against them... I don't really have an opinion since I never experienced one. I'm open to the possibility.
I think I needed a lobotomy in fact so I chose the lightest exit
. Just read the first post in my sitch and you’ll get the answer
wow focus.... thanks for that response. Certainly gets me thinking. So basically, what I learnt as a child is to not discuss important things (eye roll) or really to show much emotion. My mom had a terrible childhood so I am sure that just carried over into her adult life. The alcohol probably affected my dads ability to dig down and show who he really is/was. Although, since he quit and came home he has been a totally different person. So for me, opening up is definitely hard though I have been doing it more and more. XW really did not help in that regard though I did try to talk her about important things. The response was 'why do we have to talk about that now' or 'that is not something we should have to talk about'.... and that made me feel bad. I really want to be able to be totally open in my next relationship. My parents really did not have a good marriage... no affection, they did not do much together etc. One of my fears is that I end up in that type of situation... I would rather be along.
I think 2019 could be the year. That will be a full year post D and I feel like I am ready to get out there though I am not looking forward to dating. I just want that special person. I realize now how much was missing from my marriage (both of our faults). It'll all come together but I am gun shy.
My trip to San Diego got canceled this week due to the crappy weather on the east coast. I was so looking forward to that! It just means ill have to plan another trip :-). My marathon is still on for two weeks in Sacramento! First (and maybe last?) one.
Nef..I couldn't find your thread but I would def like to read.
Hopefully the air will clear up in Sacramento before you get there - air quality is terrible right now.
Happy Thanksgiving to my US DB’rs!!
ahhhhh... made it through that marathon!... and had a great weekend out west to boot! I did not give the marathon the respect it deserved. I thought what's the big deal? It is just two halfs.. no problem... i've run several of those. I had no idea what happens to your body during that type of run. Anyway, miles 1-18 were a breeze and I was way ahead of my goal. Then.... pinn meet wall! The last 8 miles were h3ll. Just crazy! But I powered through and kept running, well it might have ended as a slight jog, but I crossed that finish libe. Milestone accomplished! Maybe do another one someday.... but definitely not soon. Now time to get back to something I like much better... the weights!
I am feeling good about 2019... really good. I just have a weird positive feeling about it... I don't recall having this same excitement going into 2016, 17 or 18. Not sure what it is... but I like it. I need some new goals... I have done a lot over the past 3ish years. When BD first happened, I took a deep look at myself and figured out some things I wanted to change and worked on those. I think it might time to re-visit that exercise and see what more I can do.... what I want to do.
No dating for me right now.. I am just chilling and letting things flow which is how I roll anyway. But I am loving the stories down here... I'm learning!
Congratulations Pinn!!! Quite the accomplishment. You’re an inspiration!
Congrats on the marathon. I remember training for a half marathon like 10 years ago. I developed a tendinopathy doing that. Too much training in a short period of time...it was really not healthy at the end. Then I found me a OW so is was the remedy worse then the disease. Yuk...
How’s your dad doing Pinn?
Thanks for asking Nerf. He is doing so much better. He is home and on his own. Now to sell his house, sell my house and move on with life. Let's gooooooooooooooo!
Congrats on the marathon Pinn! What a fantastic achievement!
I've been reading your thoughts on dating and although I am still not D I have absolutely no desire to date. I think smeone one here hit the nail on the head for me. Having to get to know someone again and all their friends and family just seems too much like hard work! But saying that, you are young and a catch so why don't you have a bit of fun for now!
Glad to hear your Dad is doing better as well.
Happy Saturday!!
Hey Col! Aaawww you sure know how to make a guy
! I have to get caught up with you... Hope things are going well!
So someone asked me the date today and when I replied.. 'I think it's Dec 8th' a thought went off in my mind... like there is something about this day but I couldn't pin point it. Later on I got it... today is one year since D was final! Wow! Does time fly or what?!? The other thing that I realized was that I only saw ex for 5 minutes in all of 2018 at a wake. Of course some would say, well of course you never see her, why would you?!? There are no kids involved. Well... we grew up together so this the least I have seen her in a year since we met... almost 25 years ago! I just thought that was crazy. The desire to be back with her is zero.. zip.. nada! It is a weird feeling in a way.
That got me to thinking about what I have done in the last three years. I have traveled a ton! I can't believe I used to get anxious before flying. Hawaii, England, Ireland, China and multiple places in the US. Now I fall asleep on the tarmac... Thanks Ex! That is a great gift! Half marathons, marathon, good hikes, new friends, new hobbies.... not bad! I will be selling my house in the spring and who knows what is next.... not me.
Funny you brought up the dating Coly. I was thinking about that a bit today. Ex and I were on and off until about 15 months ago. So maybe 2019 is the year to make that happen?? I don't know. I did have two dates in 2018 (woo-hoo!... 2 more than I had the previous year!) but I can't even really count those because I knew nothing was going to happen. They were just very persistent so I said sure, why not... but really had no interest. It was good to get out but those were a while back now. Anyway, the bottom line is I have to let go and be a little more vulnerable in 2019. I'm definitely looking forward to the new year.
oh em gee, i've been looking for you pinn! I cannot believe you've been D for a year now. (as have I yay us). I need to catch up on your past year but wanted to come by and say hi. the little recap you gave above lets me know you're doing just fine. I am in the same boat -no desire want or need to get back with the ex.
dating seems like such a daunting task. perhaps you'll meet a lovely lady at a run or on a hike. who knows?! I prefer to meet people more organically than on a site, but it's slightly a little harder for me, lol.
looking forward to hearing how your dating goes in the coming year!!!!
Hey cheesy! Yea I hang out down here now... much different crowd haha! I agree I would so much rather meet someone organically rather than online or whatever. Just read some of the threads... what a headache! (Here’s looking at you J9 hahah!)
I did have one interesting thought today. I was thinking about how say 5 years ago my life was kind of set in stone... at least in my mind. It was just going to follow a typical flow I had in my mind. Of course there could be deviations but nothing major. Now, the whole rest of my life is an open book. I have literally no clue what will happen, where i’ll be, who I will meet along the way. And that is.... well.... kind of exciting in a way. If I decided to just pick up and move far away tomorrow... I could actually do that. It’s kind of cool.
J9 leaves and the entire board goes quiet
Happy New Year!!
Happy New Year to you as well! Yes, the forum is very quiet.
Happy new year Pinn. My best wishes for you and your family. How’s your dad doing? Gonna meet him for New Year’s Eve?
Waiting for J9 report...
(((Hugs)))
Hey neff! He is doing well. Had a great Christmas with him complete with a nice seafood dinner. Now I’m just trying to get his and my house ready to sell in the spring. I’ll see him New Year’s Day I think... New Year’s Eve is reserved to parrrtay!
Think I already have some nice travel planned for 2019. Quick Cali trip already booked for early in the year and it looks like Las Vegas and Maui to follow.... and it’s not even Jan 1st yet!
J9 leaves and the entire board goes quiet
So true! I hope he's not avoiding us. It's like a reality show taking a break.
I'm thinking something will happen and he'll just have to tell us. Or show us how well things are going for him!
J9 leaves and the entire board goes quiet
So true! I hope he's not avoiding us. It's like a reality show taking a break.
I'm thinking something will happen and he'll just have to tell us. Or show us how well things are going for him!
Haha... I think you guys definitely did get to him. I would like to hear how things are going with him though.
ah well.... let's have a great new year!
Happy New Year Pinn! I hope the New Years Eve party was everything and more!!
Thanks Col! I had a good time last night! Starting everything off on the right foot!
So I like how people don't talk much about their ex's down here but I just heard this song by the Black Keys called Next Girl. It's pretty good. I don't feel like digging back for RAI's song thread so some lyrics below. BTW if you have time, find the record labels video on you tube, the one with the dinosaur puppet... I think it's pretty funny ;-).
Oh my next girl
Will be nothing like my ex-girl
I made mistakes back then
I'll never do it again
Oh my next girl
She will be nothing like my ex-girl
It was a painful dance
Now I got a second chance
Hey there survivors! Glad to see it is lively down here. I feel so pedestrian reading everyone else's action packed threads. No dating for me... nor do I have any plans to start for at least a little while. I'm just going with the flow. I am not sure if my laid back style is an asset or a liability sometimes. Maybe dating will be an option after I sell my house in a few months and I move closer to civilization.
So I had some interesting thoughts earlier this week. I got a decent raise at work so that made me think back to where I was at BD. My salary is up 35% since then! wow!... and it was already a decent engineer's salary back then. That's in 3.5 years...cray. I've been pretty darn lucky I guess. Then I started thinking about what else has changed since then. So much has been done in that time! Gained 35 lbs (in a good way), finished my MBA, ran ~15 half marathons, a full marathon, rock climbing, some great hikes, tons of travel, yoga, and tackled some things I wanted to improve about myself. Time to keep it going!
I have some good things planned for this year. Sell the house is number 1. I also want to go on a legit hike... maybe Mt Whitney or Mt Hood...something like that. I think maybe Hawaii in October along with a half marathon there and maybe another full to end the year. We'll see... I'm super excited for the year though! Maybe by the end of it I'll rival J9 ;-).
I vote for Mt Whitney! I climbed it when I was about 47 or 48, it was a great trip!
Welp this will be a different type of post from good ole Pinn. I have done some serious thinking over the past few weeks and have come to the conclusion that… Houston… we have a problem. I’m damaged goods ya’ll. I’m broke and I’m not sure how to fix it.
I have been separated for 3.5 years and divorced for 15ish months. I have different groups of unrelated friends asking me why I don’t date or seem to have zero interest. They say it’s not normal. So I thought about that and concluded…. They are right…. It is not normal. So then I began to think…. Ok so what is my problem?? The same question has kind of been asked in a few other threads here.
OK to answer this question we have to go back to my relationship with XW. For those that don’t know, XW and I were off/on for 20 years. She was my neighbor growing up. So basically the cycle was she would come back, leave, come back, leave, over and over and over again. And what this did is pretty simple. It basically made it impossible to go all in my relationship. I was always, alwayyyys waiting for that other shoe to drop so I was in protection mode. I had to limit my emotional investment so when she left the next time it hurt less and then the next time it hurt less. I take responsibility for my issues in our marriage and I know that this thinking hurt our relationship. It’s like if you go to the plate thinking you are going to strike out, then you are going to strike out. If you think you will bomb that test, you will bomb that test. If you think your relationship will eventually fail, it will fail. Even on BD day, I remember thinking, welp… you knew that was coming any day for the past 6 years, totally not surprising. That doesn’t seem like a normal thought to have after just hearing your marriage is over.
Anyway, this really isn’t about her or even my marriage. It’s about me. So what’s the problem? My friends of course think I am hung up on my EX which is certainly not the case. I have no desire to go back there. I was the one who filed after all. Then what is it? I like women, I like spending time with them, I am a warm blooded man, I like sex of course. So why am I not doing anything about it? Well the problem is… to be perfectly honest… is that I’m scared to be vulnerable. Someone said it on another thread, but if you don’t take a risk then there is no chance of getting hurt. I’m scared to let go completely and even have those feelings enter my head about someone. But I want that… I want to be all in and be absolutely crazy about someone (eventually).
So any thoughts on how to overcome this? It’s easy to say the cliché things like… the right gal will make you forget those thoughts. Well no… I don’t believe that to be the case. I think the perfect gal will make me run the other way even faster at this particular time. It’s also easy to say just go on dates and have fun. Well… easier said than done. I thought about it the other day and every girl I have ever dated, every single one, including XW at the start has been the pursuer and aggressive. I think it’s because it made me less vulnerable almost like they were more invested than I was so there was less chance of me getting hurt. I basically have to do a total 180 and become the pursuer more so now but that’s not an easy change. Meh… I guess recognizing the problem is step 1 right??
So any thoughts on how to overcome this?
pinn,
I think the best approach to your problem is to work on becoming the kind the person that any woman worthy of your love and affection would want to have as a partner. Get your ducks in a row. Set goals, take action and make things happen. You'll feel better about yourself and you'll be attractive to kind of woman you want in your life.
I'm far from being an expert and there are a lot of others on here who have had far more success than I have, but what stood out to me is that you have been divorced for 15ish months (your words) and your friends think it's not normal that you don't date or have zero interest in dating. I will say something similar to you that I said to Don the other day. What is normal? Normal according to whom? EVERYONE is different. I say this all the time, but it bears repeating. Everyone goes at their own pace so while maybe your friends think it isn't normal, how does it feel TO YOU? I mean, obviously, if you were interested in dating you would, but you aren't, so you don't. I don't understand why that is a bad thing or why it even matters. Just to give you a specific example: I had absolutely NO interest in dating for a year after my D was final...none whatsoever. Then, one day about a year after my D was final, it was just like a switch flipped and all of a sudden, I was ready to date. I'm not saying it will be that way for you, but my whole point here is that I just don't see what the problem is. If you want to date and you are sitting back not doing anything about it, that is one thing, but if you just don't want to, that is a whole other thing and you are certainly entitled not to if you don't want to.
I'm not going to say the right girl will come along and snap you out of it because, again, that may or may not be the way it works. But, if you want to be proactive, then follow doodler's lead and set some goals and take action. Unless I'm missing something from your whole post (and I may well be), I don't necessarily see your lack of desire to date as a problem so much as a mind set. But that is just me and as I started out saying, I'm FAR from being an expert.
Thanks Dood and Dawn. I really appreciate the advice and it gives me some things to think about for sure.
Dawn, to answer your question, I do think my feelings are abnormal or, at least, concerning. Not because of some arbitrary timeline but because of the reason. That's kind of what I was trying to get at. It would be one thing if I was hung up on XW, which would be understandable and expected for some period of time. Or if I was just loving living the single life (I actually don't mind it all that much, but it's not the reason I am not dating). But the fact that I am not being proactive because I don't want to become vulnerable with another human being is a problem. The other reasons can flip like a switch, but this one I don't think can, it takes work. Meh... I'll get over it. I'm just not going to think about it for a few months, I have enough going on anyway. You are right, it is a mind set. I'll grab some books and read up on this the next few months.
I know this is a useless exercise but it is crazy for me to think of how I pictured 37 to be vs the reality of what it actually is.
So any thoughts on how to overcome this?
pinn,
I think the best approach to your problem is to work on becoming the kind the person that any woman worthy of your love and affection would want to have as a partner. Get your ducks in a row. Set goals, take action and make things happen. You'll feel better about yourself and you'll be attractive to kind of woman you want in your life.
This man. Enjoy your time, enjoy yourself. Get into some IC, it will help you.
How´s your dad doing?
Sending hugs with a kick in the *ss emoji. Be grateful I don´t have much time now to be around. I´m sorry for that.
(((P)))
P....I know what you are talking about as I have had problems myself with being vulnerable and tbh the dr makes me a little nervous and anxious. I think ultimately you have to fully believe that you will be just fine with or without a woman in your life. I am much more guarded now and will continue to be because of going through a D. Second it is just dating. 1 date or 2 dates or 3 dates or even 3 months being exclusive doesnt mean your getting married. When I think about it in those terms it helps ease my anxiety, helps put it into perspective, and allows me to just have fun and go with it. I still struggle with being vulnerable but I am getting better.
Ahhh thanks neff. I do like my time to myself, no issues there. I certainly do not *need* someone in my life at this point. IC I don’t know. I’ll consider it but it would be very tough to fit into my current schedule.
Thanks J! I am more than OK with or without a woman in my life. My main problem is that I want a fam and time is dripping away on that goal. If something doesn’t happen soon, I’ll def end up doing something crazy like moving far away. That’s been on my mind a lot lately. One issue that I need to overcome is that I am picky AF. I have a lot of good things going for me but I’m no George Clooney and also not 25 anymore so I need to back off that.
Another interesting thing is I used to come down and think wow... this is great... all these stories about people dating and moving on etc. Now, as I read along down here, any thread really, it hurts my desire to date. I end up with the f it attitude most of the time. Probably not good but that’s how I feel most of the time when I get done reading along down here. Just means I have to read less haha!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
One issue that I need to overcome is that I am picky AF.
That doesn't sound great... let me say that that pickyness goes way beyond looks. It's a whole package type of thang.
... let me say that that pickyness goes way beyond looks. It's a whole package type of thang.
Pinn,
I understand. For me, it’s not just looks (though that is important and does help), but it’s also emotional and spiritual. Essentially, a well-rounded woman (and as soon as I typed that I thought—not just well-rounded as in the curves sense. Sigh.)
A friend of mine from childhood / college told me that it would take a ‘very special type’ of woman for me. And I thought I had that. And depending on what happens with W and how this plays out, it could very well mean having to consider that again.
Nothing wrong with having standards, having boundaries and being true to yourself. Don’t compromise just to be with someone, and don’t ignore big, screaming red flags to be with someone just to be with someone.
P.....I am picky as well and that's ok. Just realize it might take you longer.
Nothing wrong with having standards, having boundaries and being true to yourself. Don’t compromise just to be with someone, and don’t ignore big, screaming red flags to be with someone just to be with someone.
Oh I would never do that. If one thing is for sure... I am not the type of guy that ‘has’ to be in a relationship. That’s for darn sure. I do have a good idea of what I’m looking for now. Meh... it’ll come!
One issue that I need to overcome is that I am picky AF.
That doesn't sound great... let me say that that pickyness goes way beyond looks. It's a whole package type of thang.
Congrats Pinn, you've lured me out of stealth mode.
DO NOT compromise - there is nothing wrong with being picky AF. Better to be picky and alone than with the wrong one, from one fellow picky AF person to another.
of course, my ex departed many years ago, divorce final over two years ago and I am still not dating. So factor that in.
xoxoxo
-Bttrfly
One issue that I need to overcome is that I am picky AF.
That doesn't sound great... let me say that that pickyness goes way beyond looks. It's a whole package type of thang.
Congrats Pinn, you've lured me out of stealth mode.
DO NOT compromise - there is nothing wrong with being picky AF. Better to be picky and alone than with the wrong one, from one fellow picky AF person to another.
of course, my ex departed many years ago, divorce final over two years ago and I am still not dating. So factor that in.
xoxoxo
-Bttrfly
Boom! Haha look at what I can do! :-)
Welllll... I am kind of in the same boat. I mean BD was almost 4 years ago (FOUR years ago!). Where does the time go? And I have been technically divorced for well over a year now. I would definitely rather be alone than with the 'wrong' one that is for sure. I just don't want to over look someone who actually might be great. Besides... who am I to be so picky anyway?? ;-)
Anyway.. thanks for stopping by b-fly!
Welllll... I am kind of in the same boat. I mean BD was almost 4 years ago (FOUR years ago!). Where does the time go? And I have been technically divorced for well over a year now. I would definitely rather be alone than with the 'wrong' one that is for sure. I just don't want to over look someone who actually might be great. Besides... who am I to be so picky anyway?? ;-)
Anyway.. thanks for stopping by b-fly!
You have EVERY right to be picky. So, you are you to be picky, in answer to your question. Don't settle. It is never a good thing!
ahh thanks Dawn. We shall see how it goes. I'm not getting any younger here!
ugh! 15 inches of snow over night. We have had such a quiet winter and then bam.... the weather peeps actually mess up on the low side and we got double what they thought.... nice! In the meantime, one of my good friends was visiting San Diego posting beautiful pictures of the beach. What am I doing?
House is on track to be put up on the market in about a month. Painters were supposed to come over today. In fact, they said we will likely be there at 7 AM regardless of weather. I said hmmmmm... ok and got up at 5 to clear my driveway. Of course they canceled at 6:30 right as I finished.
Otherwise the blah blah's have gone away. I guess they come and go. Nothing to do with XW, just life in general, but I guess that's normal. Actually felt great the past week or so. Just felt confident in different aspects of life. Maybe it has to do with selling this house and starting a new chapter. I am not really sure as there are a few different things in the works.
I submitted my lottery registration for Mt Whitney this weekend. I hope I get it! Though, then I'll have to find some people to go with haha! I think I have 1 or 2. This is definitely not something for my normal group of friends. Also in the process of booking a trip to Maui in October with friends, probably run a half marathon while I'm there... why not?? I need some more quick trips! hmmmmmmm
Got that Mt Whitney permit!! woo woo! Now the hard part... convincing some people to go with me so I don't kill myself out there.
Haven't been on here much and sad to see the state of various posters post D relationships. I used to like reading those stories down here. It's *not* motivating me to get out there. Hope everyone gets through their ups and downs for the better!
I was thinking that too. The movie version is that our exes end up with horrible relationships and lives and regret what they did and see us moved on with great partners. Right? Has not happened like that. I don’t get it. Why doencheaters and addicts and people that lied and depleted family funds get happily ever afters? Where the h@ll is karma?
Juju - yeah, i know what you're saying. Looking for poetic justice. The only thing I believe about karma is that it won't happen in the timeline that you want, but it will come. I am not personally waiting for it. If and when it happens, I might not even find out about it. All I know is that I don't want to be with a damaged person and what they do is up to them. Damaged attracts damaged, so that should be karma enough.
Howdy hoo ya'll. I feel bad not keeping up with everyone, reading their threads and commenting.... but I find that they bring me down regardless if they are positive or negative posts.
I have been thinking of this dating thing more and more. A friend mine was saying how it is necessary to put yourself out there so you can see what is out there for you. And I agree. At this point, almost turning 38, I feel like the family dream is slipping away and that makes me sad. I need to dedicate my life to something... I guess I could always dedicate it to my career and go work for one of the major silicon valley companies.. ahh who knows.
Anyway, I started to dabble in the online world. Nothing serious, if anything comes up cool, if not it's ok. I found something interesting. I am highly desirable to a specific group of women...... 40+, which I guess makes sense. Even at my gym the 40+ crowd is heavily flirtatious. Very little in my ideal range 30-36ish. Online is tough in this age group, it is all about looks which I guess is the essence of online dating. I don't think I am ugly but have a few things going against me... namely hair, height and being divorced. 5'6 is not ideal and I am not going to lie about it on there. I don't get why someone 5'2 needs someone 6 ft plus. Anyway, if you look at the rest of the resume it looks good! But I don't flaunt it on there. I have a high paying job and I think it would be super difficult to guess my salary by looking at me or interacting with me. I have 2 masters, but again I'm not talking about that online. I am in tip top shape but there are no gym mirror selfies of me or even me in tight clothes. Even in person, you can't really tell my level of fitness. No debt minus my mortgage, good savings, fully funded retirement. I can tell you all of this because no one here actually knows me so it doesn't matter. But none of this stuff is going to come across online, and honestly, I don't want it to. Ideally, I want someone to be drawn to me for me and then she can slowly uncover all that other stuff as we go along and be pleasantly surprised. So I'm not sure online is the way to go for me.
Oh and another thing in regards to dating. I have a friend and he wants to set me up with his GF's friend. She fits my 'type' and he knows that. So I say ok... what's her story? He says ohh... well she just got out of a 10 year relationship. She left him but she wasn't happy for years. And instantly I'm like naw... I'm good. Thanks though. He responds... you don't even want to meet her? I say no... thank you though. Is that weird?
Ah well... good news is that my house hits the market this week! Change of scenery will do me good!
Pinn , sounds like you have a lot to offer the right woman. It's ok to emphasize highly educated and financially secure in an online dating profile, without getting into too many specifics.
It's hard for short men, and you're probably right, you may have a better chance with women who meet you organically in real life. I've mostly dated average to tall (to very tall) men but have known two very short men that I found attractive. Both were about 5'3", fit, highly intelligent (one was a grad student in physics teaching my sailing class, one is a documentary filmmaker). Both were confident and comfortable in their own skin and that was attractive.
P - My XW is 5'4 and her BF of over a year is 5'6 and I am 6'2. I understand your concern but there are women out there were height is not an issue especially with women that a shorter.
Thanks guys. I know they are out there but with online dating they have all those filters so I'll just get filtered out. I actually never thought my height was that big of an issue until.... well now. I am also in a fairly rural area. Meh... maybe when I move maybe it'll pick it up... who knows. whatev's in the meantime I guess.
Why would you at least not meet your friends, GF's friend? Simply because she was in a 10 year R that didn't work out? It's not like she cheated - is it? She didn't bail too quick - if anything stuck it out too long. Why not at least meet? You asked if it was weird not to meet? Not sure if it's weird but a touch odd.
I agree with DH.....the dr was married for 10 years and was the one who ended it with her xh. Essentially they grew apart however he also lost his job, didnt make any attempts to find a new one, didnt contribute around the house coupled with ed issues. It sounds like since she was a dr making a lot of money he just mailed it in. According to her she could have been a more loving, supportive wife, caring etc.
I just wouldn't write her off. It could be a easy way to get back on there again
I also agree with Don and J9...unless there is some part of the story that you are leaving out here (for whatever reason), I'm not sure why you wouldn't meet the lady. The way you phrased made me think that maybe she is really fresh out of this new relationship in which case I could understand the hesitancy, but that may just be my own interpretation of what you wrote. Our friends know us and they usually have our best interests at heart, so this might end up being a lady that can help you ease back into the dating pool and you might even grow fond of her. Or you could meet and find out you have 0 chemistry, but you don't know unless you try.
As far as your height, I wanted to say something about that too. I'm tall (5'11") so I do have a preference for tall men, because I like to be with someone who is taller than me so as to feel "protected" for lack of a better word. However, when I was OLD, I never filtered out short guys because short has nothing to do with personality and guys can't change their height. That is just a card they were dealt that they have to play. It doesn't determine who the person is though. My point is, the "right" women won't care of you are 5'6" or 10'6". If it makes you feel any better, I have found that men don't prefer tall women. I hear tall men say all the time how they prefer real tiny short women (5'3", 5'4"), so I get it. I just don't think OLD is conducive to people who care more about personality then looks because men and women both tend to be overly-picky on most dating sites. I'm not saying people shouldn't be picky, but if a guy is smart, funny, and polite, I wouldn't care if he was shorter than me. In the grand scheme of life, height is not of huge importance but heart is. I hope you find a nice lady out there who likes you just for who you are.
I have limited experience with OLD and dating in general.
OLD is certainly different then how we used to connect with someone cause it’s not about getting to know someone or seeing someone every day and developing an attraction or crush. There is an initial selection criteria which can certainly be limiting. There’s almost an unspoken caste system to it. Like, I know that at 40 I will be able to go for a successful good looking man over 50 or a successful guy with low to average looks my age or a guy that has bad luck/undesirable/inexperienced with women or is just looking for someone to sleep with at a younger age. I don’t take it personally. I know it’s the way of the world.
You can sometimes get a sense for their personality in what or how they write, but the majority of people write very generic descriptions - which says a lot in its own way. It’s a numbers game and you can’t take it seriously I think.
I don’t really know how else to meet someone though with a young child and limited time. It would be more of a waste of my limited time going to a bar at the off chance I’m gonna meet someone that is my age and looking for a relationship. So I kind of view OLD as a necessary evil.
If you have undesirable traits, like height I think you have to over compensate with a great profile that sets you apart and reveal all the very desirable traits - like your success or a great personality in order to get attention. And you could make a bigger effort when responding to a girl that you like. Make sure she knows you read her stuff. Put the effort that other guys aren’t putting in and it will increase your chance.
Are you ok dating a taller girl? Some don’t mind or view it as a big deal. Also, do you yourself have very strict criteria on your profile? Like there’s nothing more annoying then the person that complains about someone else’s grammar and spelling yet makes spelling mistakes throughout their profile. I hate seeing hypocrisy on the OLD profiles. It’s a red flag.
Are you ok dating a taller girl? Some don’t mind or view it as a big deal. Also, do you yourself have very strict criteria on your profile? Like there’s nothing more annoying then the person that complains about someone else’s grammar and spelling yet makes spelling mistakes throughout their profile. I hate seeing hypocrisy on the OLD profiles. It’s a red flag.
TOTALLY agree with Juju about hypocrisy on OLD profiles. It is definitely a red flag. I got so tired of men who would have VERY specific (and typically rather lengthy) lists of characteristics they were looking for in a woman: model good looks, at least a C cup, certain height, blond, tan, educated, lady in the streets and freak in the sheets type, and of course, those dudes usually follow up with something about "no fat chicks". They describe these societal ideals of beauty (which, by the way, is totally fine, if that is what you are into....that isn't my point), but then when you see a pic of them, they are typically fairly unattractive even by the most broad societal generalizations, they are either unemployed or underemployed or have any of a number of other issues (baby mama drama, drugs and/or alcohol addictions, sleep around a lot) and these guys are the ones who get all high and mighty about how they are just perfect but they get passed over, but it is just fine and dandy for them to have a very specific list of traits and look over any woman who doesn't check off every single box. Talk about red flags waving high! Yet another reason I am SO glad I found Sparky.
Lol...every time you say the name Sparky D it makes me laugh because all I think about is Clark Griswald
Lol...every time you say the name Sparky D it makes me laugh because all I think about is Clark Griswald
He is kind of Clark Griswold-esque in some ways.
I honestly have to stop myself from calling him Sparky to his face sometimes. And, then that makes me laugh and certainly makes me seem like a crazy person.
All very interesting. Yes, there are women who are seriously hung up on height. When I was doing bumble I asked a guy why the only thing they say about themselves is height. They said because a woman wouldn’t even talk to them unless they knew. I was kind of shocked. The guy I’m dating I met on bumble, but he didn’t mention his height and I had no clue until I met him. He’s 6’2, I’m 5’3. My ex was barely 5’8 and I’ve had the biggest crush on a guy who was 5’6. Height never mattered to me. Maybe because I’m short? I dunno . And to speak to what dawn said, I could not get over how many men wanted this perfect woman and then you looked at them and was like “who the heck are you to make those requests?” Double standards are a big pet peeve of mine.
Why not accentuate what you view as your good qualities? Financially stable, in good health and educated? I can’t speak for all women, but that a huge turn on. I don’t care how tall the guy is.
And this woman who just got out of a 10 year R..... she did not get out of a 10 year M. I would give her some credit to recognize it isn’t working and shouldn’t go on to marry this man and start a family with him if she wasn’t all in. That’s a tough decision to make. Some will just settle and go on with the comfort and leave when there is a lot more at stake in the end.
Meet the woman, you have nothing to lose
Hey Pinn, I'm also 5'6", so I know what you're going through. Many people who know me are surprised I don't get more hits in OLD - I figure it's the height. I have a great profile with exciting pics, I'm a fairly good-looking guy, and my sense of humor really comes across in what I write. In OLD I see a lot of women 5'1" or 5'2" who say they're looking for someone 5'10" or taller - whatever. Seriously, how do 2 people with that much height difference kiss each other while standing, without neck pain? Heck, my 5'3" XW put 5'10" in her match profile as a minimum height requirement. It is what it is. I think us shorter guys have to try even harder.
That friend of a friend, I think you should give that a try. Real-world connections are much better than OLD.
wow.. thanks for the inputs ya'll. So the friend of a friend is super fresh out of that relationship. So that was one issue. But Donny Boy got my thinking a bit about why I had that initial reaction. And it's really not fair or even rationale for me to think that way. I was comparing this gal to what my ex would say and I am trying hard to avoid some one like her again. She would say the same thing... yea long term relationship, I wasn't happy for a while so it ended bla bla bla. I mean everyone has there own stories and I should be willing to hear them out. So then I thought I would give it a go with this girl. But I guess my friend hung out with her this weekend and now isn't sure she is a fit haha! Might have been my initial reaction. Must stop that!
The OLD convo is interesting. I used bumble a bit almost a year ago. I wasn't ready to date but just tried it out. I got a lot of hits. Now it has filters etc and nada. The profile space is limited. Anyway, I deleted the app. Maybe something like match will be better or I'll try again after I move. I didn't have any filter set on there. My main hard no is on smoking, that's a non-negotiable regardless of anything else. I also need someone who is active otherwise we just wouldn't be compatible.
The whole filter thing in OLD is interesting and totally different than real life. We don't get to filter who we meet in real life. I mean I get it, it's not bad. They are asking you to pick what you like, so you pick that without giving it a second thought. If everything is exactly equal, they would prefer someone 5'10 vs 5'6... it's cool. Just makes thing harder for me haha! Maybe I'll give match a go in a little bit again but really focus on those positive traits in the profile like was mentioned. hmph!
Hey Pinn, I'm also 5'6", so I know what you're going through. Many people who know me are surprised I don't get more hits in OLD - I figure it's the height. I have a great profile with exciting pics, I'm a fairly good-looking guy, and my sense of humor really comes across in what I write. In OLD I see a lot of women 5'1" or 5'2" who say they're looking for someone 5'10" or taller - whatever. Seriously, how do 2 people with that much height difference kiss each other while standing, without neck pain? Heck, my 5'3" XW put 5'10" in her match profile as a minimum height requirement. It is what it is. I think us shorter guys have to try even harder.
That friend of a friend, I think you should give that a try. Real-world connections are much better than OLD.
Haha yea! My XW was 5 feet tall but I think I'm the shortest guy she has been with. She used to always comment, "why do you want to have kids?? They are going to be midgets kids!". Thanks a lot!
Speaking of height, Joe Rogan recently interviewed Gabrielle Reece (pro volleyball player and model). Gabrielle is 6'3" and Joe Rogan is 5'8" (on a good day). Gabrielle is married to pro surfer Laird Hamilton. He's 6'2", but when you see them together in pictures, it sure looks like it's more than a one inch difference between them (heels?).
Back when I was a grad student, Gabrielle was at FSU on a volleyball scholarship (that's when her modelling career took off as well). When you'd see her around campus, she was sight to behold. I think she might be more like 6'4". She had little choice but to marry down.
6 years post BD…. Why is time flying by now! What a ride those 6 years have been. I wonder what my EX would think of me now as I am a very different person. I have grown so much in those 6 years I think she would be very surprised. From fitness to exceeding all expectations career wise to even learning a ton more about relationships than I ever thought was possible… I think she would not recognize pinn 2.0. However, for all that, there is one giant piece missing…. A family. As I approach 40 I am realizing that may not be in the cards for me, and I am OK with that. It is just something I always dreamed of having… maybe one day, we’ll see.
At the moment though, through the strangest twist of fate, I met the most incredible woman. She really is something. She went through her own relationship issues and also did a lot of work on herself and self-reflecting. Impressive! I dig it. Of course it is me so there would be a complication… we live far apart at the moment. But in another strange twist of fate, covid hit, which allowed me to work remote more or less for the past 10 months and be closer to her. I am not sure where this will end up but enjoying what it is for the here and now. I hope it continues to grow somehow someway. We shall see!
great update Pinn!!! I'm so happy for you! You've found someone who has done the hard work, as have you ... onward and upward my friend! xoxoxo