First post here - Reflections two years after BD. - 06/05/18 02:42 AM
Trying to process a lot today.
The two-year anniversary of the bomb drop (or as my therapist says, "your own personal 9/11") was a couple Sunday's ago. I had started writing something to acknowledge this milestone and post it here, but then got distracted by having fun with my kids and forgot all about it.
To paraphrase my original thoughts, the passing of time is everything. When I first discovered these forums I remember reading a post in the newcomers section where another LBS talked about how he'd moved on and was enjoying his new life, "...but her ghost still haunts me from time to time."
The idea of the "ghost" couldn't be more accurate to describe the relationship I have with my STBX. She moved out in January of this year and I've retained the house. I'm slowly changing things to make the house feel like my own, but remnants of her presence are everywhere. The very first day after she moved out, I took the day off from work started straightening things up. After the cathartic ritual of taking down our wedding photos, I spent the rest of the day cleaning the hall closet!
Today is my D6'd half-birthday. I know it seems silly, but both our kids were born very close to Christmas, so we always celebrated their half-birthdays in the summer. She's not with me today and I was really hoping that my STBX would extend me an invitation to participate in whatever they were going to do today to celebrate. But she didn't. I talked to D6 this morning over FaceTime and will do so again tonight after work.
The idea of the four of us continuing to do things together after the split started as a discussion last year in a family therapy session. Back then we all agreed that some aspects of our family unit should stay intact. Not just the big events like birthdays and graduations, but maybe an occasional impromptu meal. But since then my STBX has turned down every invitation I've proffered and has never offered any. I'm sure she believes that her reasons are justified, but I think she's just being selfish.
All of this leaves me in a horrible state of limbo. I love my W, and I think I always will. But I also really hate her, and I don't like her very much either. I want to see her and talk to her but when I do I'm completely disgusted. I've lost a lot of respect for the way she's decided to live her life now, but that's partly because she's included our kids in this lifestyle and I think they deserve better.
Sometimes I think about initiating the divorce process. Nothing has been filed yet. Technically we've been separated since 11/2016, but only physically since January. My STBX is self-employed so a divorce would force her to find and pay for her own health insurance. When I try to come up with a good reason for filing, I can't think of any (other than spite). Part of me wants to file just to show her that I still have some level of control. But the other part of me wants her to file so that it's all on her. She pulled the plug, not me.
It all seems very childish and ego-centric. I'm the only one suffering from all of this hate and resentment I'm holding on to. But part of me likes blaming her for my inability to move on. I often fantasize about all the horrible, nasty things I would say to her if the opportunity ever came up. But I know it never will. And I know it wouldn't help anyway.
I don't know if there truly is a way to process these negative emotions and rise above them. Maybe they just linger and become duller as the years go by. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at my wife and be happy that she's happy. To be able to love her in a different way but just as genuinely as when we were together. But that day is not today.
The two-year anniversary of the bomb drop (or as my therapist says, "your own personal 9/11") was a couple Sunday's ago. I had started writing something to acknowledge this milestone and post it here, but then got distracted by having fun with my kids and forgot all about it.
To paraphrase my original thoughts, the passing of time is everything. When I first discovered these forums I remember reading a post in the newcomers section where another LBS talked about how he'd moved on and was enjoying his new life, "...but her ghost still haunts me from time to time."
The idea of the "ghost" couldn't be more accurate to describe the relationship I have with my STBX. She moved out in January of this year and I've retained the house. I'm slowly changing things to make the house feel like my own, but remnants of her presence are everywhere. The very first day after she moved out, I took the day off from work started straightening things up. After the cathartic ritual of taking down our wedding photos, I spent the rest of the day cleaning the hall closet!
Today is my D6'd half-birthday. I know it seems silly, but both our kids were born very close to Christmas, so we always celebrated their half-birthdays in the summer. She's not with me today and I was really hoping that my STBX would extend me an invitation to participate in whatever they were going to do today to celebrate. But she didn't. I talked to D6 this morning over FaceTime and will do so again tonight after work.
The idea of the four of us continuing to do things together after the split started as a discussion last year in a family therapy session. Back then we all agreed that some aspects of our family unit should stay intact. Not just the big events like birthdays and graduations, but maybe an occasional impromptu meal. But since then my STBX has turned down every invitation I've proffered and has never offered any. I'm sure she believes that her reasons are justified, but I think she's just being selfish.
All of this leaves me in a horrible state of limbo. I love my W, and I think I always will. But I also really hate her, and I don't like her very much either. I want to see her and talk to her but when I do I'm completely disgusted. I've lost a lot of respect for the way she's decided to live her life now, but that's partly because she's included our kids in this lifestyle and I think they deserve better.
Sometimes I think about initiating the divorce process. Nothing has been filed yet. Technically we've been separated since 11/2016, but only physically since January. My STBX is self-employed so a divorce would force her to find and pay for her own health insurance. When I try to come up with a good reason for filing, I can't think of any (other than spite). Part of me wants to file just to show her that I still have some level of control. But the other part of me wants her to file so that it's all on her. She pulled the plug, not me.
It all seems very childish and ego-centric. I'm the only one suffering from all of this hate and resentment I'm holding on to. But part of me likes blaming her for my inability to move on. I often fantasize about all the horrible, nasty things I would say to her if the opportunity ever came up. But I know it never will. And I know it wouldn't help anyway.
I don't know if there truly is a way to process these negative emotions and rise above them. Maybe they just linger and become duller as the years go by. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at my wife and be happy that she's happy. To be able to love her in a different way but just as genuinely as when we were together. But that day is not today.