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Living the surreal life I knew I couldn't stay away long.
I have been having a rough few days. Work has been very draining. The social worker is out to get me (I've been warned about her by management), my floor is a rather mentally draining and exhausting one with the family members. working on B-day which is a sunday in which I had plans stinks, and the one who knows everything is gone for 2 weeks. Oh, and all the rumors and jokes about my place of work shutting down isn't helping either.
The flip side is, I do really enjoy the job. This one is stressful, but I do enjoy it.
We had some sort of tornado like activity here which took out power in the school, so there was a 2 hour delay and then then they decided to resume school with no power. I didn't make it to work until 11. Hopefully they won't do the same tomorrow, its just not an option.
I've been suffering from some envy lately and while my IC ensures me it is normal and not a bad thing, I hate it. I envy particular people I know. I don't understand why they get love, partnership, intact family, nice houses, ect. and I don't. I am trying to figure out if this is a result of past sins, if I haven't paid enough yet, if I am a bad person, or what. But the people I envy have had greater transgressions than I, and they don't even feel bad about them. I am not saying they shouldn't have it, but I don't understand why I am underserving of these things. I can live without the money and the house, but the unloved alone thing I can barely tolerate anymore.
I have accepted some awful realities in my life, but this one I cannot. I cannot fathom that I have to live the rest of my life like this lonely. Or struggling this much.
It's not even a matter of perspective anymore. It's pain. There is nothing that can make this feel good. There is no lack of gratitude for health or child. I need what I am lacking. And I wish I didn't.
Oh, and I decided to go back to my old fitness program where I met FF. I was hesitant because those people are snobby and were rude when I went. I also know my friends from there are going to give me flack about it. But I need consistency now that PT is done and this place is less than 5 min away from my house. It's the only thing that works with all my other responsibilities with D10. Plus, my friend and her H go, and I would enjoy going with them.
I actually gave a crap about the crap my gym friends would talk, including FF's sister if they knew.And they will know.
But I gotta do me.
Girl - you are not undeserving! But that childhood cloud you carry around with you may end up in some ways causing a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you haven't seen I Feel Pretty yet, please do.
Dating is a numbers game and truth be told, you've only dated a handful of men since your daughter was born. I know it's work and a hassle but you may need to go on a LOT more dates before you meet the right guy. You might also need to broaden the types of guys you look at.
I'm glad you're going back to the gym. You also need some adult weekend activities where you might meet men. Perhaps also a single parents group?
Oh ginger, how I wish you were closer to NC so I could bring you into my circle and get you away from the woh is me feeling. I realize that so much going on at work has you feeling overwhelmed, but I hope you embrace the challenge, you are a educated and experienced nurse, you can do this. Do you have any people in your network that can offer guidance, someone who deals with similar responsibilities? If so, don't reinvent the wheel, reach out for advice.
As for gym, just do it. Sometimes we can over analyze things, but many times it's better to just do it.
I probably do carry around that childhood cloud with me.
I guess it's been a handful of men since my daughter was born, but people have much better luck than I in 10 years time. I feel as if I must be defective.
Coconut, you nailed a big part of it. You both did. I feel horribly trapped. I have been wanting to move for a long time. I have nothing here. No family except for a cousin and my dad and stepmom who still live an hour and a half away and I see maybe once or twice a month. It is soooooo expensive to live here, I almost make 6 figures and I live paycheck to paycheck. My friends are great, but they have families. I know so many people who have made a big move and it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to them. It's not an option for me.
Boy do I need adult time. I have work, but I need fun adult time. My last adult time was the Mets game with gayboy. I had that weekend free, but my friends weren't. I spent it alone. This weekend I am going to the BeerBBQBacon fest, but its outside, it's going to rain and..... it's me and 2 other couples. Truth is I have no consistent "me" time with adults. I have no family help to watch d10 so I can get out and do something consistently without her. I envy people so much who have parents or siblings who live close and would love to watch the kids. It's lonely to come home every night with no other adults in the house. I think that was something I absolutely LOVED about my R with FF. He would come over a few nights a week, I would cook dinner, he would help D10 with homework or talk to me in the kitchen about our days. Something sooooo simple. It made my world. I have no one to talk to.
Single parenting is more lonely than I could have imagined. I've been doing it alone from the almost the start. My family was taken away right when it began. I never imagined it would have lasted this long. Not having a mom has made it harder.
The sad thing is I am really full of fun, interests, have tons of love to give and it's all trapped inside with no outlet. It's eating away at me. Anything I choose to do consistently, my daughter is in tow. I love her to death, I appreciate that she will sit at the gym with me. Or that she came and watched my volleyball for the one night before I got injured the next and she wasn't there. Everyone knows I love my daughter more than anything in this world. I enjoy being with her too. But I don't even feel like an individual or even a woman anymore. I exist to raise my daughter. I guess I just want it all. Or maybe just a little bit more and I should stop being selfish.
I needed an outlet, and I am sorry I poured it here. My tears broke way loose too. Maybe I just need to let it out.
...... and I have this new really hot dress. It's my goal dress but actually looks pretty good right now. But I have absolutely no where the wear it.
I want to go out, and where the darn dress! I want to feel like a dam hot woman!
But if I go out in it alone, I will look more like a hooker, haha!
But I don't even feel like an individual or even a woman anymore. I exist to raise my daughter.
I'm sorry.
Ok. Pep talk coming.
The only thing you are lacking in your life is a partner.
You have
1. An enviable and wonderful mother-daughter relationship with a healthy and beautiful child
2. Your health
3. A respectable and well paying job that is very secure
4. Popularity and friendships. Everyone that meets you immediatly likes you.
5. Passions and interests.
6. Independence.
7. Your own residence.
8. Your pretty and in good shape.
9. You are insightful and compassionate.
Thats a lot Ginger. I am wondering if on this subconsious level, you are giving off desperation vibes, because even though you have everything going for you you dont actually FEEL that way.
Instead you feel your life absolutely needs a man in it. You are desperate for a partner. You go into depressions because you dont have a partner. Potential relationships sense it. It seeps through in your interactions.
Perhaps honing in on all the other stuff and accepting that you can be fulfilled without a partner is actually what you need to gain a partner.
It's really easy to fall into that trap of wondering why others have things that we don't and why we aren't worthy of having those things too. The thing with that is, though, that you just don't know what is going on behind the scenes, so to speak. There may be sunshine and roses on the outside, but on the inside, it may be all darkness and weeds.
You are a great person and you have so many amazing things going for you. Try to focus on the positives. Juju gave you a spectacular list above and those are all outstanding things to be super proud of.
Before I met XH, I was in a similar mindset to what you are now. I just couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why everyone was so happy while I was just miserable and couldn't seem to get anything to go my way. Then I saw something on a talk show (I think it was Oprah) about how important it is to be thankful for all the little things in our life and to do that, you can do some sort of gratitude journal where you write down things you are thankful for every day. So, I started doing that. Girl, let me be the first to tell you that some days I was REACHING to write anything down. I would write things like I was grateful for breathing, grateful that I woke up that morning, grateful that I had a job that afforded me the "luxury" of buying good toilet paper, grateful that I had nice neighbors. I MADE myself list 3 things every single day. And, you know what....this may not work this way for everyone but after just a week or so of making myself list 3 things every single day that I was grateful for in my life, it became easier and easier to see the good in my world and to appreciate those blessings, however big or small they may be. I still do this to do this day though I do it a little differently now. I don't write things down every single day now but once a week, I sit down and write things down that were good or blessings or whatever that week, then I put them in an apothecary jar on the end table in my living room. I have it labelled "blessings" and when I'm feeling down, hopeless, lost, whatever, I dig through that jar and pull out a few random slips and just read them. It helps!
So, my landlord just told me he was listing my house. This is very very bad. I can't leave town and there is no rentals and I can't afford to buy.
I don't think I can keep taking the hits anymore.
Wow I'm so sorry!
At least it's not the worst time of year to look - lots of vacancies open up in June. But it's a giant headache you don't need.
Did you offer to buy the house from your landlord?
Doodler, he did extend the offer to me and my neighbor first to buy the house. Which is like 600K. It's a side by side duplex. I don't have near that much money, wouldn't even get approved for a mortgage and I can't be someone elses landlord. So that's out.
My town is about 7 sq mi. I have been looking to buy here for 2 years and there is nothing in my price range that doesn't require flood insurance. I really don't want to pull my daughter out of the school system. There are 2 towns I would consider doing it for, but they aren't much cheaper.
I really can't make this sh!t up. I can't even seem to get a hold of a little stability in my life. When does it get easier?
To add, work has been h Ell this week. My patient's and their families are very very very demanding, and quite frankly, unreasonable, I found out that SW made another SW cry everyday for a year. And I had some b!tch nurse rudely confront me about something so simple that I just didn't know, and after she did that, she went to her supervisor. You want to know what it was? I didn't write which homecare company the patient was being discharged with. Not a big deal because the patient knew. Yup.
I want you to know Juju and Dawn, I read your posts. I will respond when my head clears. But I thank you both very much.
I really just want to cry. Or get really drunk.
Where I live, there was a horrific school bus accident that made national news. A bus of 5th and 6th graders were on a field trip when a the bus collided with a tractor trailer. So far, one child and a teacher were confirmed dead. It was a place I actually went to on my 5th grade field trip, this year, my daugher's 5th grade class went down the shore instead.
It is so heartbreaking and hits close to home having a 5th grader. This morning, my precious D10 forgot the cookies we spent all Wednesday night baking for her math project today. She told me as we were pulling into aftercare. I was FURIOUS. But I just kissed and hugged her goodbye and told her how much I love and I'll see her later. It was hard to let her go this morning.
Seems to me most people buying a duplex would do so for rental income, did the landlord say you need to move? Either way I'm sorry to hear about the sitch, housing is one of those fundamentals that we like to be stable so I understand how the unknown can make you stressed. Try and stay positive, things have a way of working out.
Yes, good point. Perhaps you could rent from the buyers?
Seems to me most people buying a duplex would do so for rental income, did the landlord say you need to move? Either way I'm sorry to hear about the sitch, housing is one of those fundamentals that we like to be stable so I understand how the unknown can make you stressed. Try and stay positive, things have a way of working out.
Thanks C-nut. The truth is, my place should actually be going for $2200-2400/month. My landlord had no mortgage on the house and was happy to have tenants that pay. So, the new buyers are surely going to price out the area and see how much more they can get.
I've got to leave. I know I do. It's going to sell fast.
My dad and stepmom want to give me the downpayment to a new place so I can buy on in town but I don't want to take their money. There are a few reasons why. But I don't think I'll have a choice.
Stability is something major I have been seeking. I have moved many times since my divorce and I am so tired of it.
Found out how not stable my job is today too. My coworker just told us she is leaving. Everyone is trying to jump ship because of the uncertainty.
How do I keep getting is bigger messes when I just work to make my life better?
May be a good time to put feelers out for jobs in places you'd prefer to live, I know it's tough to move a child but sometimes you just gdwygd.
May be a good time to put feelers out for jobs in places you'd prefer to live, I know it's tough to move a child but sometimes you just gdwygd.
Oh, don't I wish! Divorce agreement keeps me here with child.
I'd be down south in no time!
Just because it's in the divorce agreement doesn't necessarily mean your ex would hold you to it, does it? At least, you could ask. Maybe at this age he'd be willing to accept summers and holidays.
And as for your job - are people jumping ship because the company is about to go under, or because of an unpleasant work environment?
In your divorce agreement, what happens if you lose your job and your house? No judge I know would be so unreasonable to expect you to have to stay in an area where you have no income and rentals are sky high.
I think you need to start looking at the "can't change" parts of your life and reassess. "Can't" is a big word - and when it impacts as heavily as it does perhaps it's time to work a way around it?
Im sorry ginger. I feel your frustration.
The home prices are going up again here as well. Like half a million for shacks that need tons of updating. With taxes starting in the teens.
Whose buying this stuff? Another bubble or is everyone else doing great and we just are out of luck cause of our situations.
Anyway, dont panic over your job. Regardless of what happens, you are in a profession where you will have security.
If moving really is an option, why dont you approach ex in a calm matter. You are on good enough terms with him. You can put feelers out there amd see how he responds. At keast this way you know if it is even an option.
Ginger,
I agree w/the other posters. Your job is one that is in demand all over the country and if something should happen w/your present job, there will be another one that becomes available. Your profession is in demand.
About your current home...I am so sorry to read that your landlord has opted to sell. The word "can't" should be one that is used in the English language. Where there is a will, there is a way to get what each of us wants...we just have to work a little harder to get it. I like the idea of sitting down and having a discussion w/your xh about your situation. If he were in that situation, he would relocate quickly and possibly not even discuss it w/you. You might want to suggest that you will drive half way from your new home to meet up w/him to allow him to have your daughter over the visit. He may like that versus having to drive a longer distance to pick her up. Map out your ideas and then present them to him. I hope that he will understand and agree to a move that will bring you and your daughter a bit more stability.
I had this whole post about how I was clearer headed and came to some decisions, but I didn't get to post it this morning, because my daughter's friend came over.
Then I just spoke to my dad and everything went to crap. He started in on me again. Telling me we need to sit down nd talk because the money they give me is a huge sacrifice for them and they need to cancel trips, ect.....
I knew that was going to happen. I told him I thought long and hard and that I do not want this money attached to guilt and scrutinzation of every move I make. he wanted to cancel our trip to Niagara. I said no. I am not taking away the vacation I promised to my daughter when I haven't taken her anywhere in a long time. I said Mexico is already paid for and non-refundable and I am not cancelling that either. It's a drop in the bucket right now and what I had saved up for. I told him I do not want his money if this is how it is going to be. He went ape [censored] on me, as he normally does. when someone doesn't agree with him, it means the whole world is disrespecting him. He acts like I never made a good decision in my life and he has bailed me out of everything.
Well, no. I, unlike most kids, had no home at 18. I wasn't invited to live with him, and the option was my drug using mother and her idiot boyfriend who got her back into drugs. So I dropped out of college and got my own place, made it by on whatever job, borrowing very small amounts of money when I really needed it. I got an education and a career. I unfortunately got divorced and that turned things upside down, but I have managed. I also furthered my education and career in that time. I do not spend willy nilly. I rarely vacation. I am frugal.
I am absolutely losing my mind lately, and my dad keeps getting mad at me for keeping him in the dark, but he invalidates every single emotion I have. So I do not share with him at all. But my 2 little trips are what I need to keep my sanity. ANd I will not be able to keep my sanity with him guilting me all the time about the sacrifices he is making by helping me with the down payment. I am a 38 year old woman who can make her choices without getting them scrutinized all the time. He makes me feel like my life was a bunch of bad decisions.
Yeah, I made one awful decision that has impacted my whole adult life. Marrying exH. I know it did. But I am dealing with the aftermath of it. I own up to it. I have to live with the he!! it has caused every day of my life. With the exception of my daughter, honestly, it has near destroyed my adult hood. But I ma handling it.
I am appreciative of them willing to make the sacrifice, but I won't take the money if this is going to be what my life is like. I don't think that makes me wrong.
I love my dad, he has always been my best friend, but he is a difficult man. My stepmother says he is becoming almost insufferable lately. He flips out easily and doesn't listen to anyone elses point of view ever.
I feel so alone. I am dying inside sometimes.
But on a happy note I had a really good time with friends this weekend. A guy even flirted with me and struck up a convo. He was 29 tho..... I think he realized our age gap was too much too.....
Oh, and the one pretty solid CAN'T, I guess is really a WON'T. My ex would let me go. He would. But it would crush my D10. I can't do that to her. Unless it was truly the only option, I won't do it to her.
Trust me, I toy with moving to CT where I have friends and I can afford all the time. I know where I could apply for a job too. But my daughter wouldn't see her father very much, and he wouldn't even agree to meet half way. he would make me do all the work. I would burn out and so would D10.
Trust me, I have turned some huge "can'ts" around in my time. But this won't I won't do.
I am just so crushed right now. My dad pretty much won't talk to me if I don't apologize. Because that's him. And I will stew in guilt. But I don't think I should.
Today is one of the days I wish I had a Mommy.
I am so sorry that your father is being a PITA at the moment. He thinks he's helping you by offering you money and yet, turns around and sobs a story. I don't blame you for not taking him up on the offer. You don't need a guilt trip every time you turn around.
You will figure things out once the dust settles just a wee bit. Is there any type of clause in your lease that states if your landlord sells the place, you would have a certain amount of time to vacate? Sometimes, new owners will allow the renters stay because they don't want to deal with remodeling once the deal has gone through.
As for your trips...don't cancel them. You and your daughter need this time away.
BTW, have you given any thought to places in states closer to where you live? Disney dad and your d could always skype between visits if need be...if you were to move out of the immediate area.
As for your father, he shouldn't be angry about the fact that you do not want stipulations put on the money. Why should you be made to feel guilty about not accepting his offer. I most certainly wouldn't want that kind of stipulation put on money and hear about their sacrifice most of the time. Don't feel guilty. If you do decide to wave the olive branch, just say something like this "dad, I appreciate the offer and I do not want you to sacrifice your plans by giving me money. I do not want to feel guilty by accepting the money, so let's agree to disagree".
Ginger...
Sounds like your dad may be starting with some sort of dementia, is that possible? That can go with cussedness.
Honey, just wish I could reach through a give you the biggest hug.
V
Oh Job, thank you for understanding and reminding me that I am not being unreasonable. I question myself all the time, and I really feel like this isn't fair. But I reject the money, and he is mad at me for that. I can't win. It's an uphill battle all the time.
So many years, I have done it with minimal help. I was never a burden. I worked my butt off not to be. I don't intend on feeling like one now. I do wish he could have offered me the money, trusting me to know I will not mismanage anything or abuse it or have to hear the litany of sacrifices on his end. I know what they are, I am not dumb.
I did text him last night to tell him I love him, because I am against ever going to bed mad. he said I love you too.
I didn't sleep very well last night. I am wearing down big time.
You know what upsets me too? That a life well-lived is the ultimate revenge. But my lives the exact life he wants, and here I am struggling, still. I hate that.
Vanilla, I almost wonder the same thing. My dad has always been very very stubborn like this, it's not unusual. he's just getting worse about it. I sure hope it isn't dementia. Maybe just a stubborn old man thing completely lost on patience.
I sure could use a hug.
The good news is, I just signed my lease in April, so by law, the new owner has to honor my current lease until next april. So I have a year to figure things out.
Yeah, I made one awful decision that has impacted my whole adult life.
Marrying exH.
I know it did.
But I am dealing with the aftermath of it.
I own up to it.
I have to live with the he!! it has caused every day of my life.
With the exception of my daughter, honestly, it has near destroyed my adult hood.
But I ma handling it.
I think you need to re-think this.
It was NOT such an awful decision because you have your daughter.
She is 50% him and I know how much you love her.
So she might be the BEST thing that ever happened to you.
She is so adorable.
She is also 25% your DAD so again I understand that part too.
I think you are making the right decision not to take his money with the strings attached.
It will all work out in the end, I am certain of that.
(((((((HUGS)))))))))
Let me just give you a slightly different point of view on the money thing with your dad.
If as he says it's true that he and his wife have given up vacations etc in order to help save for a down payment for you:
I as a parent would be upset if I was making those sacrifices and felt like my child wasn't being as frugal as possible on their end. And even more so if said child was living "paycheck to paycheck" as you said earlier but was choosing a vacation rather than the safety of putting some money into savings.
I know the poverty mindset is "I'll never get ahead anyway so I might as well take this Mexican vacation/ buy this Coach purse/ spend $100 a month on the fancy gym". But that's not how you get ahead. And I as a parent would resent it if I was saving and saw child splurging.
I know you feel like your dad "owes you" - that complicates matters emotionally. But the dispassionate truth is as an adult child he has no legal obligation and if he's saving significant cash to help you you should show your gratitude and buy-in by saving as much as you possibly can too. Otherwise he WILL feel like HE is paying for your vacations indirectly. (Which he is - that's that much less money you have to contribute to a down payment and therefore that much more he needs to contribute)
Some recommended reading: Your Money or Your Life, The Tightwad Gazette, the Mr Money Mustache blog.
No, I do not believe my dad owes me. Like I said, at 18, I am responsible for myself, and I was.
I have a small amount of savings, I have a decent retirement fund.
I do not want to give up my trips. Mexico is paid for anyways. Non-refundable.
I save, I budget, I sacrifice.
I don't want the money. I would accept a gracious gift without attachments, because I know I make good choices. And going on the vacations I saved for aren't bad ones. I do not need guilt. I do not want him to feel like he paying for my vacations, so I am not going to take it.
You know, I was very upset, abandoned, and wanting to die when my dad did leave. I was left with a mother who was losing her mind. I was angry, and I did feel it was wrong to leave me in that position. With no where to go. But I never once made him feel guilty about it. I never told him how I really felt.
The truth is, I am miserable. I am not looking to vacation every year, I am looking at this break for my mental health which is no good.
Like I said, I would accept a gracious gift that came with some trust, otherwise, I will find another way. It's a thanks but no thanks situation now.
Yeah, I made one awful decision that has impacted my whole adult life.
Marrying exH.
I know it did.
But I am dealing with the aftermath of it.
I own up to it.
I have to live with the he!! it has caused every day of my life.
With the exception of my daughter, honestly, it has near destroyed my adult hood.
But I ma handling it.
I think you need to re-think this.
It was NOT such an awful decision because you have your daughter.
She is 50% him and I know how much you love her.
So she might be the BEST thing that ever happened to you.
She is so adorable.
She is also 25% your DAD so again I understand that part too.
I think you are making the right decision not to take his money with the strings attached.
It will all work out in the end, I am certain of that.
(((((((HUGS)))))))))
She is, no doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me. I sure do hope it will all work out in the end, whenever the end is, haha.
I don't need money that comes with guilt. He can enjoy his trips, I'll enjoy mine, and I will make this happen on my own.
Anyone who has been following my ridiculous drama.....
I just called my dad and we were both very calm and understanding. I told him thank you, but no thank you. I said I see what money can do to families, and I love my family more than money. he said he feels the same way and understands. He said he miscalculated and he can't even really give me a significant down payment anyways. I told him I figured I can up my monthly payment since I am making more money now. he said he will help with some closing costs. He even did understand that I need some reprieve sometimes from my life and that my little getaways are really all I've got to look forward to. I told him after that, there is nothing big for a long time and I am sitting down to see where I can cut in my budget. He agreed, he understood and we are on very good terms now.
I simply have to figure this out. And I will. And D10 and I will be fine. I know we will be.
Even as far as my job...... I will make this work. I will be fine wherever it may take me. I have hopes that things will be find when we switch companies. The mean SW has been very nice to me this week. Not to totally be trusted, but we are going to stay on eachother's good side. I found out I have been totally unprepared for something else, but I told the manager I would like to speak to her so that we could come up with a plan. I also found out today that my raise is straightened out and I will be getting even more money and some back pay.
I did my first gym class at my old gym last night. I was in better shape than most of them, I was shocked. I held up just fine, knee and cardiovascularly. It's funny, I can jump all over, but I still can't really walk downstairs. A little sore today, but a good sore. It was fun, and I like this instructor. I am looking forward to going back tonight and getting my body back.
I am going to be ok.
The good news is, I just signed my lease in April, so by law, the new owner has to honor my current lease until next april. So I have a year to figure things out.
Maybe they will want to keep you as a tenant?
The good news is, I just signed my lease in April, so by law, the new owner has to honor my current lease until next april. So I have a year to figure things out.
Maybe they will want to keep you as a tenant?
I bet they would...... only this property is being rented to me for $400-500 under market value. They could get a whole lot more than they are getting from me, and that I cannot afford.
Ginger1 - We are in different jurisdictions but the law is very similar I believe.
Here if the owner wishes to occupy the unit themselves or have a family member move in, they can break the lease.
It depends on who buys the property but it could happen. I've even seen it where the owner occupies while renovating then turns it back into a leased property wandering happily through that loop-hole.
Not sure if it would be worth the bother to check into that. A real-estate agent would probably be able to give you a definitive answer but you don't want to be blind-sided.
I have went ot post a few times and I have erased it everytime. I just can't and it is probably good to have a break. But online pole here:
I thought I would try that tinder-like app out of curiosity. Me and a guy exchanged text. I'll skip the whole story, but the guy asked me for a picture of me in yoga pants. I put the disclaimer out that I am not out for a hook up. He got very nasty with me saying I am mean, full of drama, and jaded because I was upfront about not wanting a hook-up.
Really, is it an appropriate thing to ask a woman to send you pics in yoga pants so they can analyze every curve before meeting you? He saw a full body pic in a maxi dress. Wasn't enough.
I could just kick my own butt for even trying this again after the insanity I have been dealing with on these sites...
Why are you using a Tinder-like app? Seems to me those are all about quick assessments based solely on looks.
I like OKCupid. I find their algorithm for matching people based on their answers to a questionnaire helpful - people that are a high percentage match with me and a low percentage "enemy" usually turned out to be reasonable matches. Plus the profiles are usually detailed enough for me to pick up red flags or areas of incompatibility.
Ignore trolls like that guy. I've found it's better to just ignore the inappropriate guys - the more you engage them the nastier they get.
I just went back on OkCupid yesterday after five years off . (Avoidant Guy I was casually dating is ghosting me and exBF is having yet another manic episode. - I'm feeling really ready to bring some better male energy into my life). OkCupid has changed a lot since I used it last five years ago - you now have to pay to get some of the features I liked most. And since I'm older now the guys are older too.
But one thing I'm noticing - after seeing my ex the other day, I'm finding all the white guys turn me off! It just seems like they all remind me of the ex. Now, just by chance the last three guys I dated were black. The first one picked me up in a store - I liked him because he was extra tall like the white guy I first dated after my divorce. (6'6") Then I did date another very tall black man I met online ( the Avoidant guy who's ghosting me again) and then exBF because he reminded me of Avoidant Guy in looks and I was still kinda hung up on Avoidant guy at the time.
I never thought of it as a particular preference- I dated one black man and one biracial man in my twenties but plenty of white guys too. And my exH is super white. But now I'm having trouble looking at the white guys online because they all remind me of my ex in a bad way. This is a problem because frankly there's not a lot of available black men in my area so I'd better figure out a way to get over this or my dating pool will be dramatically reduced!
I've tried them all, and I equally hate them all, lol.
OK Cupid did not work me. I got some real pervs and everyone, still looking for hookups.
I don't know why I keep trying. It simply does not work for me. or I am just not cut out for this.
KML, I know what you mean, but every white man can't represent you exH. he doesn't have that much power!
Anyways, my coworkers are driving me nuts, I can't wait to get out of here and have a 3 day weekend and not put up with petty BS.
That's a relief to me alone!
I don't think there's anything wrong in him desiring to see you in yoga pants. But there's a lot wrong with him asking for a picture before he's ever met you.
First off, prioritizing the shape of someone's rear end before bothering to get to know someone as a person seems entirely backwards.
Beyond that, it's culturally considered rude at best and in some contexts could be considered sexual harassment (i.e. if this happened in the work place it could be a fire-able offence). Whether or not you're offended it speaks a lot about this person to lead in this manner.
Finally, it indicates that he isn't carefully striking up conversations with a select few women that he thinks he'd like to get to know better. It sends the message that he is burning through hundreds of profiles hoping to find women that have very liberal views towards sexual innuendo and probably towards casual sex.
None of this seems like what you're looking for. I'd say he did you a favor by eliminating himself before you wasted more time.
I haven't done OLD so I'm probably way naive here, but it seems to me I'd be very selective, talk to one woman at a time, discuss only enough up front to know that there we had the basic components to justify a meeting, then go out and get to know each other in a very casual setting. Not trying to see if I could end up scoring, but rather feeling the person out to start to form a picture of whether they were good LTR material. And if that doesn't work with OLD because no one else does that then I wouldn't play the game.
Oh wait, I don't. I guess my advice is how to stay single. It's that or send yoga pictures to pick up artists. Good luck G. Your daily dose of sunshine from your pal Zues.
I recently heard the term "dating with a purpose", I came across it when researching the Christian term of being equally yoked. I don't think that there are many people on OLD who are dating with a purpose, it's all about the here and now. I know that we all know this, but I repeat it because it is unfortunate that a tool that could be so useful in meeting new people is so cluttered with people that are still broken and either haven't taken the time to heal or are so broken that they may never heal.
I read one ladies profile the other day, she spent most of the profile about how she wants to find a guy to become her best friend, then forge that into a R, kind of a take it slow and build it correctly approach. Then the last thing she wrote was "if we go out and you find that you don't want to pursue a R and just want to hook up, don't play games, just say so, you never know it may be your lucky day, I have needs too." I sat there and wondered what guy in their right mind would go slow with this lady, all the while knowing that if he wasn't into trying to build a LTR he'd probably be getting laid already.
anyway, the problem is Ginger that a lot of girls on OLD dating appear (to me anyway) to just be looking for hook-ups or at least very open to the idea, so guys know that if they just ask enough ladies they will get the answer they are looking for.
When OLD was young it was good, but the new OLD isn't nearly as good. We need a new-new OLD that's more like the old OLD. Of course, as the new-new OLD becomes old, it'll probably become like the new OLD so we'll be stuck with new-new OLD that used to be better than new OLD but still not as good as old OLD.
Zues i actually used your approach to OLD to the T.
For me, indicators for similar morals was my guiding point in who to take a chance with and who to avoid. One guy was telling me about his belief that "children cant be happy without happy parents and how it was his turn to be happy" that comment scared the hell out of me and i never met up with him. The guy that told me "it would take something really drastic to break up with someone i have already invested in" and "everyone that knows me will tell you i work hard at everything i do, including relationships" was the one i gave a chance to.
Ginger, regarding your pole..that is completely offensive and inappropriate. Hes not worth a response or 2nd thought. Just ignore him like you would a guy screaming insulting stuff out their car windows. Those responses are par for the course. Hes a nervy motherf'er though.
Doodler, hahaha!
Kml
I think we are all trying to identify that trait that will prevent us from wasting time and suffering great pain and loss! .
Haha yes, but if that trait is "white guy" there goes most of my local dating pool!
My friend suggested I just go on a few coffee dates and see if I can overcome my white guy aversion. Kind of a desensitization program lol
I must really stink at this. I obviously stink at the whole men thing.
It's quite all right if they want to see me in yoga pants. I'd love to see a guy in good-fitting jeans, and hopefully one day I would get to. But to ask for it? I've got a really nice butt too, and if they actually got to know me, they would eventually get to see me in yoga pants (cause that's all I wear when I am not at work). It's just unreal sometimes.
I am talking to another guy, who is decent. But he is asking questions about how I balance my social life with working full time and being a divorced mother. It doesn't work for a lot of men, and I get that. Just another challenge.
I saw exH and OWW at D10's dance class today. He invited me to their house for dinner tonight, but I declined. He also asked me if I would be ready for volleyball in fall because he is forming a team and he wants me on it. Again, I can't make this sh!t up!
On the plus side, I had 3 elderly female patients call me beautiful and said I have the most gorgeous eyes.
And you'll never believe this..... one patient loves to see me because he calls me his ray of sunshine because I am always smiling and I lift his mood. Me! Can you imagine that?!
I'm more an observer than a participant in OLD. I signed up about a year ago, contacted two women, one of whom answered that she "didn't feel a vibe" and the other did nothing. I then got cold feet and set my profile to hidden.
I still get the daily emails from both match and POF and check them out. A creepy thing about small town living is seeing your neighbours on there. It has given me a perspective that perhaps most people who are "working the system" don't have though on what I at least find interesting in a profile and what is a turn-off. It also gave me a view into the huge diversity of single mature women even in my local area. Plus the two 20ish ones who mark themselves as interested in guys my age plus the two profiles that are pictures of dudes - one of whom is obviously in a hospital. WTF?
I realized tonight after reading this and then thinking while I did my dishes is that in many ways it reminds me of a cattle auction.
Lot 37 - Middle aged guy. Claims to be divorced. Looks decent in a bow tie. Has all his own teeth and lots of hair. Interested in theatre, long walks and disputing Keynesian economic theory. What are we bid on Lot 37 - lots more on the block today ladies ....To me I hold back because once I take that step up on the auction block I feel that I would feel obligated to allow myself to go the the first bidder that hits the reserve minimum. Not too young or too old, decent looking (I'm shallow
), not too distant, and yes - female.
Maybe one day I'll unhide my profile. I might get you guys to help me tune it up first
Except doodler - although I do remember the saga of "Hot Mother Theresa".
Play volleyball on your ex's team? Oh he!! No!
Besides - you want to play on a team where there might possibly be some romantic prospects. And any guy with the poor judgment to be your ex's friend is NOT a qualified romantic prospect.
Lol - now I'm finding all the guys with facial hair to be a turnoff too. This is not going well!
And I'm really not liking this new OkCupid setup. I've gotten 40 likes in 24 hours but can't see who they are unless I pay. A half dozen messages (that I know of, since only see them if you roll over their profile).
And seriously - I feel like they're only showing me about 30 guys so how could I have 40 likes??? (Unless I suppose the likes are all coming from men out of my stated age range?)
Guess I may have to pay just to see what I'm missing out on.
On the plus side, I had 3 elderly female patients call me beautiful and said I have the most gorgeous eyes.
And you'll never believe this..... one patient loves to see me because he calls me his ray of sunshine because I am always smiling and I lift his mood. Me! Can you imagine that?!
I don't need to image it Ginger, it shines D from you and every word you write.
V
Guess I may have to pay just to see what I'm missing out on.
That's what they are hoping for! I know next to nothing about that specific service but do remember after stopping Match several years ago all of a sudden, like magic, I was supposedly getting all of these likes, winks and messages from people. They were coming hot and heavy nearly every day. It was all or mostly bogus stuff - like this person "might" be interested, etc. it was all marketing. I ignored it for a few weeks and poof, they all stopped. I then remember logging back in a few times like a year later - and what hsppened but the email notifications started up again!
It's a business and from what I've been researching is getting worse and worse. The number of people that actually find someone are so low. Several good studies show this. In fact one looked at actual data from a few services showing how few people even respond to emails. One study showed that to be 100% certain of getting at least one response you had to send something like 121 messages!!!
It was interesting reading. I should talk more about it on my thread. Then again I should do a lot of things.
Now KML are you really ready to date again? Are you in a good place for that? Turned off to all white males? What is going on there? And now facial hair? Sort of sounds like my Oreo cookie lady! (Have to visit my thread for that craziness)
You have to know how superficial this is and really based on nothing about the person you might date. It's almost like the universe telling you this is not the right time or perhaps you need some help with and to figure out why you are thinking this way. It's certainly not healthy or productive. The good thing is you see that. Now, what to do about it? Limiting yourself to any certain phisical type is not going to be healthy - which may start to explain some of the past guys?
Don I know men don't have as much luck with online dating but as a woman I've had lovely dates and a few relationships from OLD. I get quite a few messages, and at least half the guys I message respond. I think it's just a numbers ratio thing. Also, many women have learned like I did not to respond at all to a guy you're not interested in because some get downright nasty.
The aversion to white guys just started after seeing my exH the other day - I'm sure it's just a transient thing, lol.
Facial hair's not an absolute deal breaker but most guy would look better without
Sooooooo,
I had a great weekend. I got my 3 tattoos redone and a enw addition which I am in love with. I sat for 3 hours..... but so worth it, they came out so nice. I then drove up to a friends house for a weekend and we had a great time, catching up, visiting vineyards...... Exactly what I needed.
Then I had ben talking to a guy who seemed so normal..... We were texting, we made plans for Sunday, loose, no time.... He said nothing inappropriate to me, and seemed decent.
Well, I asked him how 4pm was, it would give me enough time to get back and get ready. He told me he though we were going ot meet for lunch and that would leave him with 6 hours of nothing to do until then. Which didn't make sense, I wasn't telling him to sit there and wait for me. I figured whatever, and made other plans for myself. Then at 3pm, he told me had some drinks at home and was now available to meet at a bar down is street for 4pm. I told him I had plans already. I was pretty miffed at this point. You cancelled so you could drink alone in your apartment?!? He then begins to get a rude with me. You could tell he was kind of drunk. He was rude but still telling me I shouldn't be hasty about the day and we should still get together sometime. I told him that ship has sailed.
I knew something would come about. Seemingly normal, turns out to be nuts. It really is the land of misfits.
I ended up going to my cousins for dinner, and she had some mutual friends over and we ate and sat outside by the firepit. It was fun.
So, I did find out that yes, I can get evicted by the new tenants. But I also found out that the eviction process takes forever. My agent sent me this house that was on the market last year, got sold and flipped and is now back on the ,market. It's up the street from my current house. It is small, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath, but they did it amazing and the kitchen is beautiful. The land and deck are too. I could probably shoto a little lower because not many people want only 2 bedrooms one bath, but it is perfect for us. I am hoping to get a little luck on this one.
I can't wait to see D10 today and show her my new ink. It's for her:)
[quote=Ginger1. It really is the land of misfits. [/quote]
Yes it is...! The land of misfit toys!
I got to see it live again this weekend with a true misfit who brought his OLD "girlfriend" to the gig we were doing. I already had the sense she was not happy with this guy the last time I saw them. This time she proceeds to get drunk, I mean plastered, starts dirty dancing, by herself because he won't dance with her drunk arse, then starts screaming at him and storms outside. The event continued in the parking lot, putting on a great show for the band along with the growing crowd up against the Windows looking out to the lot. Just can't make this stuff up.
Now G I'm half giving you crap here and just being my blunt, sarcastic self but the other 50% is serious. You've tried this over and over for several years. You've said "I'm done with OLD" more times than I can count. Yet you keep going back. What's that about? I know you know the old definition of insanity - doing the same thing and expecting different results. WHY? Are you hoping that the next time will be the jackpot? That's what gambling addicts do, right? This next spin will be the big winner - they hope.
I again can only give you my expierence and I've felt much better and met more people off line. As KML said, it is easier for women to at least get a guy to chat or talk. In fact that's one of the points the articles I read talked about - how women get dozens of messages while guys get very few. There also may be more guys OLD than women but that's not always the case either. For both, the misfit level is off the charts.
If I had to guess, this guy has no life. When he said he had nothing to do for 6 hours he really meant it. He wasn't thinking he could do nothing else, it was "I have no other plans or options so I'll just sit here and drink" which is what he did. So, yep, dodged another bullet.
I really wonder how many of the good ones have been quickly driven away by all of the OLD misfits?
Google "why does online dating not work" or "the truth about on line dating" or even "why online dating sux" discard the puff pieces and read some of the science and researched-based articles. You'll soon be saying OMG that's exactly what happened to me!
Don, I guess the answer is I keep trying because I do see other people have had good luck and I figure I should be able to also.
I also see that nothing has worked "as it should" for me, so perhaps this is another cheeseless tunnel. I would hate to say I am going to complain about being lonely and wanting a partner, yet I have no right to complain if I am going to do nothing about it.
I guess I am just stubborn and I hope for similar results as those who were successful.
Oh, and exNG got engaged! He won't let her move in with him, but they are engaged to be married. I thought it might upset me, but it didn't at all. I pretty much predict the other 2 guys who are dating the ones who came right after me will be engaged in the next 6 months.
maybe my purpose is to set a guy up for the next one he wants to spend his life with. HAHA!
Right now I am just getting too excited to see this house. It's so cute. I can see my pug running through the very nice yard.
I swear we are cut from the same cloth, G. I think that every time I read more of your posts. I, too, wonder why I don't find happiness or good luck or whatever that others seem to just have heaped upon them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life in general, but I'm tired of being single and alone. I THINK (and maybe this is part of the problem) that I have all those qualities that mature men purport to want: I'm financially independent, self-reliant, fairly intelligent and have a good sense of humor and a very good sense of self. I'm not looking for someone to pay my bills or to take care of me because I'm not able to do so emotionally or mentally. So, what's the problem? I'm not packaged in the trophy wife case but other than that, I clean up pretty well and have manners, know how to dress myself and tie my own shoes.
I really hope that you find what you are looking for. It gets disheartening to keep hitting a brick wall and for people to keep saying "oh but your time is coming" or some other super well-meaning thing like that. So, I won't say that. I just hope you find what you are looking for.
Oh and the house sounds fantastic, so good luck with that!
I do believe we are cut from the same cloth! I feel the same exact way. I feel the "give-in's" in life are impossible for me to accomplish. it's not that I don't have great things, but things that come so effortlessly to others I feel like are impossible. I have been told "my time is coming" for about 10 years now, and I am losing some hope. I just want a simple love and partnership. Not too much. I also feel like I am a good catch. I feel like I have a lot to offer. I may be divorced with a child, not a hottie, but I can handle myself, and I am fun and loving. I feel like if I become more difficult and demanding I might have better luck!
Well, I put an offer on the house. D10 came with me and when we walked in the house she said "I've been here before!" It's her BFF's mother's cousins house. One day she was going home with BFF and they got locked out of the house so her cousin came and brought them back to their house and that was them! Sadly, they were engaged and broke up, so they are selling the house. It is also right next door to her classmate and up the street from my friend's house. Also 2 streets over from my current house.
It is a small house. There is no storage or closets really, but the bedrooms work, the living room is big, all hard wood, nice refishished woodburning fireplace. and an entertaining finished basement with a custom-made bar. The yard is so nice and there a really nice deck.the eat in kitchen is beautiful and a great size. D10 was completely in love with it. It is perfect for us. I gave an offer that was 20K below asking. I believe they were asking high. The plus side is there are no other offers and it the market for the smaller house isn't so big. The down size is resale might be difficult because of the size.
My dad is freaking out that it is a private home and not a condo, but really, this home is great for us. My worry is downsizing. My rental house is big with a garage, large walk in pantry, a bunch of big closets and a huge storage area. So I would have to get rid of a lot of stuff and live minimally.
Let's keep our fingers crossed. Because my landlord called today and said he has given the realtor my number because my house is listed and they are showing.
I hope that they will accept your offer very soon. Your description of the home sounds like it would be a perfect for you and your daughter.
Thanks. I just found out from D10 that her BFF said they are only taking full price on the house, and the house is not worth full price. I knew not to get my hopes up too much. Maybe their agent will advise them otherwise.
I am so mentally exhausted.
Thanks. I just found out from D10 that her BFF said they are only taking full price on the house, and the house is not worth full price. I knew not to get my hopes up too much. Maybe their agent will advise them otherwise.
I am so mentally exhausted.
DB101 applies here, patience.
They are accepting full offers right now, lets see what happens if they do not get it.
... they are only taking full price on the house, and the house is not worth full price.
I think Dawn knows a guy that can help tune up the current owner so as to come to an understanding of what full price actually means. Know what I'm sayin'?
Patience, unfortunately, is no longer a virtue of mine, when it once was.
I am high on the anxiety. So many unknowns right now, they are keeping me up at night.
I spoke to my realtor and while they haven't rejected my offer, they are expecting more to come in. So, either, more comes in and mine is better and they get a dose of reality, or no more come in, OR, someone bids higher. The waiting game is awful. so is knowing that my current house is going to be shown. Really, I am going to keep it a mess so no one jumps on buying it. Awful, I know.
I just need to go to the gym tonight and blow off some steam. Either way, I need to start the big purge on my home, because I am moving somewhere, although I don't know where, and it will 99.9% be smaller than the one I currently live in.
I am high on the anxiety.
Ginger,
Let me take this opportunity to boost your anxiety another notch or two or three...
Looking into doodler's crystal ball, I can see that your offer on the house will be accepted and and you're about to close on the house. Then, the day after closing, out of the blue, you get a call from someone offering you a wonderful job opportunity, with a good salary and plenty of advancement opportunities. And, even better, it's in a geographic location that's enticing; it's a place you'd dreamed of living. However, they need someone to fill the position right away. Unfortunately, now you're a home owner and you don't think you can sell the house quickly enough to be able to accept the offer and you won't be able to cover mortgage payments if the house remains unsold, or not rented, for any length of time.
The point I'm trying to make is that life is full of quirky twists and turns. You probably have a lot more flexibility in where you live and work than you think you do. Maybe you're putting too many constraints on yourself.
True doodler story: About 25 years ago I was working in a job I didn't really like. I decided to call the recruiter of a company that had offered me a job in the past, but I turned it down because I didn't get the salary I wanted. When I called the recruiter, not only was I offered a better salary, but I'd have to move to Chicago where they'd pay my rent and utilities as well as providing me with a per diem to cover basic expenses. And, they would pay for me to fly out of Chicago, to any place I wanted to go in the U.S., every other weekend (I got to keep the frequent flier miles as well). And, my apartment was downtown, right on the lake, with a view of the city from the 22nd floor. Holy sh*t!
Sometimes really cool stuff happens...you never know.
Forgive me for being p1ssy in advance.
I do not have all these awesome options. My job is what it is, I like it and I am staying put. I cannot move my daughter to a cheaper town farther from her father where he will drop his weekday. We can sit here all day and I say these are viable options, but they are not without big consequence. I am not a single woman with no attachments. I am living in the constraints of a divorce agreement and what is right for my D. My decisions have great impact on my daughter. If by doing what is truly right for my daughter, then you can say I putting constraints on myself.
It blows, ok. It truly blows to have these constraints. I wish the world was my oyster, but truly it is not.
I am stuck in a sucky position right now and I have to make my decisions according that position.
If I had the choice where other lives wouldn't be affected, I would have picked up and moved a long time ago.
I turned down an opportunity to have a great great job that included travel when my daughter was 3. No one to help. ExH had no willingness to be flexible. We make the choices based on our circumstances and mine are awfully constraining. By her father, by what's right for her, and by money.
It is what it is. It isn't victim talking. I have to deal with it. But honestly it irritates the crap out of me when people who aren't in my shoes think I have all these great choices.
I don't. But I'll work with what I have.
I am honestly scared. Very scared. Big things to deal with alone and praying the right choices are made for me and my kid.
((((HUGS)))) Ginger, you can do this. There are a lot of emotions that come with buying a home, you seem very nervous, excited and scared, I feel that way for you too.
Before buying my house, I was completely free of anything tying me down, I had the feeling that I could move anywhere I wanted on a whim and I loved that. But I also know that moving all the time (even within the same city) limited my ability to grow roots. I don't have family in the area, but I wanted some since of permanency, get to know neighbors, have a place that any upgrades I did benefited me, etc.
One thing that helped me calm down was having my realtor do a rent analysis prior to buying the house, I wanted to make sure that if I did decide to move that I would at least have the ability to rent my house for more than I would be paying. It allowed me to leave that door of freedom to go anywhere cracked instead of having to completely shut it, just knowing I can do that makes me still have a feeling of freedom.
For what it's worth, I offered 6% less than asking, and they countered with 1k more when I bought my house. They also ended up giving me about 8k back for repairs/upgrades (AC, foundation work, septic work, etc.). I have a feeling with the housing prices in your area, your probably not to far from that 6% less than asking.
If you can afford the house without it eating up your budget, then try and be excited at the possibility of them accepting it, plan ahead and figure out the max you are willing to pay in case they counter, and don't over stretch just to win any bidding war. This house seems to have things you really like, but it's also missing things you want/need, if your not able to get this one, you may find one with more check marks in the wants/needs column. Try not to put all your hopes in dreams in one house.
I am honestly scared. Very scared. Big things to deal with alone and praying the right choices are made for me and my kid.
Ginger
You are awesome
V
But honestly it irritates the crap out of me when people who aren't in my shoes think I have all these great choices.
Ginger,
I think you nailed it; you don't have great choices because you seem to be so myopic that you can't see any possibility that a given event, that you may perceive as being "bad," may actually be providing the foundation for opportunities you never dreamed possible. Is it possible that being evicted could lead to one of the most wonderful experiences of your lifetime? It's possible, but if you're not willing to be open to the possibility then you're relegated to living a life filled with fear and regret (aka neurosis).
I am afraid I am a realist, not a dreamy optimist.
No, getting evicted will not be one of the most wonderful experiences of my lifetime. How can you even say that to a single mother of a young kid with no family?!?!
WTF?
Ginger,
I didn't say getting evicted was a wonderful experience.
Ginger you are awesome because you make the tough calls whatever they are and you face them, however rough.
V
Thank you V. I am getting faced with a lot of tough calls and I just have to do what is right for my little family.
So, I raised my bid and I still did not get it. SOmeone actually bid over asking. I was heartbroken. I was nerve-wracked all day yesterday and I was super hopeful, I did feel like this was the one. But I guess it just wasn't meant for me. It was a rough day on a few levels yesterday, but my daughter did something really sweet for me. She went out to dinner with her BFF and back to their house to swim. She called me from their house and told me the adults were over and I should come and hang out with them. When I got there they told me "D10 said she didn't want me to sit at home alone while everyone was here having fun and she asked them if I could come hang out" It melted my heart. They said she is always looking out for me. We stayed late, I had some wine and we had a great time. I drank too much wine, so we walked home (I live 2 streets uphill) Today we went to see another house which was awful. It smelled like old dead people. There is a townhome I would love which is on a golf course so the fees are really high. But I get to golf for free!I took D10 to the garden center today where they were having a kids day and she pained me a put with a flower for my birthday. It was very sweet.
Yeah, so, tomorrow is my birthday. It's just me and the kid. I never ask anyone to do anything with us on my birthday. my friends and their spouses all have b days around mine, so they do their thing. Thursday I am going out for a friend's birth and Friday........
I have a date. We will see if it will actually happen. 39 year old single father of a 5 year old. Good looking, home owner, and employed. And he chose the place for the date which he thinks will encompass everything I like. I love when guys take initiative. He also wants to go to this ax throwing place with me that just opened up. I hope we hit it off because he sounds like a fun thoughtful guy and we have the same kid weekends, haha. I don't count on these things ever working out, but I hope we atleast get the date.
I'm hoping something works out!
good for you Ginger... hope the date goes well!
Enjoy your date. Happy Birthday a bit early. Try to enjoy your special day w/your daughter. She loves you very much.
As for the bid on the house...maybe it wasn't meant to be, but I bet if you searched all of the wants adds and check out facebook for home sales, you might find something so much better. Keep in mind, when looking for homes, don't judge it by it's cover totally, a coat of paint, new carpets and opening the windows can do a lot for a place.
You have the most beautiful, sensitive, empathetic daughter. She really is special. I think the depth of the relationships that develop between single parents and their children is a silver lining. Its beyond the typical parent child relationship. And they do form these relationships with the "real" parent. They know. I love reading about you and your daughter. Its just always so positive. You guys are both lucky in that regard.
Also, Happy Birthday!!!
And good luck with your date. I have a good feeling about this one. How much custody does he get? Was he a LBS?
These would be important to know, but i get that you have to be light in the beginning.
Happy birthday, G! Sorry about the house, but there is a better one out there for your somewhere. Good luck on the date.
Thank you all for the birthday wishes! I had a nice day, even though it was cold and rainy we went with friends to go strawberry picking. Then D10 and I had a little B day dinner before going off to her dress rehearsal. OWW actually texted me a happy birthday way before exH even did. D10 bough me a cute romper. I thought I would look awful in one, but it was really cute. She was proud.
Today was a day from pure he!! with our go-live today. My access didn't work until 3pm, I had 5 admissions (on a regular day I have 1-2) and I had to not only get access, but put then figure out how to put them in the system. I was P!SSED because I got barely any support, the other woman came back from Jamaica who was training me, strolled in late and was on the phone with her family most of the time. There is one co worker I wanted to punch and because my patience was thin, she saw a new side of me today. Hopefully she will back off. My patient load is a huge challenge. I worked 11 hours today and had to have exH get D10 and take her an extra day this week. he had OWW do it, but he knew he couldn't say no, because I never ever ask him. I have to be in at 7am in the morning. Hopefully I didn't mess anything up too bad. On the bright side, I made friends with the consultant trainer. He is 36 and from Omaha NE. He is cute. 14 year old son and has a GF. He was very sweet, saw my stress and gave me a shoulder massage! I was feeling good about my job last week because I handle the nurse CM with the isurances well, and made some good connections which helps with approvals. One I dealt with said "You told me exactly what I needed to hear to get the days, you must have been doing this a while" I told her, nah, only a month a half. She told me I know my stuff. My manager had thought I wasn't doing something I was supposed to do and sent me an email that it was uacceptable. I told her I have been doing it, but my access has been messed up and it must have not been saving. I hated having her thinking I wasn't doing my job. She understood when I explained it to her. But she did not come by once today to see how it was going.
I am thankful that I have a knack for people, especially in my business. But it does drain you to have to get them to see you at are competent and deserve respect. but I usually win them over.
I thought last night I found a house that was a gift from my mom in heaven. It was a beautiful house at an oddly low price but my friends even tried to find something wrong with it. My friend did find it was a police officer in town my dad used to be friends with who was selling it. Funny story if you are still around for it:
My dad worked out at the gym with this cop. He was my DARE officer. mY mom saw him at the video store she managed. My mom, was um, a character. He is hot and my mom called him Billy Buns. One day when I was at the gym, my dad called him Billy buns by accident! Funny, but not so funny, he had made 2 mutually exclusive arrests for drugs. My exFIL, and my mother. (classy, right?) This cop always kind of had a soft spot for me because this was my life. He was very nice when he arrested her, giving me a separate phone call and keeping everything on the DL. (since my parents had divorced, my mom was my responsibility). I though maybe this was a divine intervention pay back, but no, the house was under contract the day it was listed, It was an inside deal.
Juju,
You are so right. I am absolutely drowning in life right now, but my R with D is something I would never trade. It is very unique, close, and just special. Our bond is not typical of parents who grow up in an intact family. I always read about the single parent bonds, but now I know what it really means. If I do right by her, then I have served my purpose on this earth.
I do hope you are right about this guy. He seems so great on paper. I don't know how much custody or what happened yet, but I think he has 50/50. he apologized for not texting me a happy birthday at midnight saying most of his attention is on his 5 year old by when he has him. I told him his attention is exactly where it belongs. It looks like we are going ax throwing Friday! I hope it does happen.
I am really stretched to my limit. I need a little something. How much can one person do on their own? For so many years? I just want a guy to snuggle with at the end of the day. I know, it's dumb, but my happiest moments with FF was when I would lay on his chest and we would talk and watch fire you tube videos.I'd like to have something similar with someone one day.
PT guy has been messaging me. He went out to dinner one night at a restaurant he recommended to me and sent me pics. He thinks of me. Then him, his brother, his brothers GF and my actual PT went to a concert on Saturday night, and he sent a pic of the two of them saying that they miss me. I miss them to, I really do. They were a bright spot in a crappy injury. I missed the gym tonight, which was probably for the better because my knee has been hurting and stiff.
Okay, I chewed your ears off. I'm going to go guzzle another glass of wine then pass out.
Oh my God. My cousin just told me she put me down as guardian of her 6 year old son if something happens to her and her H. They are making their will. She has so much family on her H's side, but they chose me. I am humbled and honored.
She said " regardless of your financial or marital situation, I know that you will always him first, you are the one who knows the true meaning of family".
I am so crying.
Pretty strong G. I can think of nothing more powerful to say about someone than you'd pick them to look out for your child. Shoot, my cousin wouldn't trust me with a pet rock.
Happy Bday and good luck making it through the day tomorrow!
PS- if you were dating a guy would you be ok with him giving massages to a woman he worked with? I would NOT. Just curious what the non stone age crew thinks about these things...
I would trust you with a pet rock, Zues. Thank you, it really was very powerful to me. Her H has a sister and 2 brothers, and a million cousins, but she chose me. (I don't think her H had much of a say in it).
I am on the verge of throat punching people today, and those you know me know I am calm, agreeable, and approachable, until you cross my line. Too many people crossed my line in the past 2 days. Some of these people's egos are way to big around here. And people are two-faced. I have to admit, my fellow care manager , the one who trained me, annoys me and I was actually doing much better without her here and with the other newbie that left. She whispers in my ear things she wants me to say, she goes back on other things she said and it might affect my vacation, which I will be super pissed about. Someone else thinks they are the boss and when I stood up for myself today, she kind of felt bad and began defending me to others.
I guess the raise don't come easy!
My house looks like frat boys live at it right now. I can't reach a lightbulb that needs to be changed, and I forgot to take out the garbage 2 weeks in a row down my mile long driveway. I am sorta kinda giving up on that crap. One person can only do so much.
July 1st I leave for Mexico, and if anything stops that from happening, I am going postal!
Ginger, good for you, standing up for yourself. You have a talent for interacting with people so I am sure you will come out on top with your work situation. I am ok with letting housework go for a bit. You will get back.
I kind of thought the same thing regarding the neck rub. Personally, i would not want my boyfriend massaging a young, single womans neck. I would be uncomfortable working on a male coworker cause i would be nervous about sending mixed signals and it doesnt fit with my personality. Like none of my male coworkers would ever ask me to work on them. (Accept 1 a while ago and i felt put out and uncomfortable) I am always confortable working on my female coworkers though.
That being said, i see it done frequently at my job and i am quite positive nothing is meant by it. The coworkers that are more physically affectionate are just as affectionate with the grandmother receptionist as they are with their opposite sex coworker. I am also a pbysical therapist and we basically massage people of the same and opposite sex all day long though, so not sure if my opinion counts.
I think the intent just depends on the personality..like affectionate extroverts will think nothing of it.
I think I made that massage sound worse than it was. It was by no means sensual. It was more like a "get back in the game, kiddo" kind of massage.
It does also depend on the nature of the person. Some extroverts are just that, extroverts. There are people who don't always link physical touch to something romantic and sexual. However, if you are a person who only links physical touch to something romantic and sexual and I see you start massaging someone else, well, I would raise an eyebrow.
And just as your line of work, Juju, I have been up close and personal with people in a very non-sexual way. I have taken a grown man's penis in my hands and cleaned without thinking anything sexual of it. It's my profession. So I can very well separate the two. It's kind of a must that I do!
Yes. Well worded ginger! I think i link physical touch to either romance or cuddling with a child. So its a sign of deeper love for me.
At the same time, my profession is all physical touch and i then separate and view it as healing. Absolutely no romance enters into my mind. Sometimes it does carry over into daily and friendly interactions and i have to be careful its not perceived differently with men.
I have taken a grown man's penis in my hands and cleaned without thinking anything sexual of it.
What about the dude? Did he request wiener cleaning every 15 minutes after that?
There has been more than one dude, doodler!
So, I had an hour long phone conversation with my date tomorrow night. It went really well. We click pretty good over conversation so far.
Hey, if anything, I get to go and throw some hatchets on a Friday night!
There has been more than one dude, doodler!
Speaking of clean weenies, I watched another exciting episode of "The Lawn Care Nut" on YouTube last night. The episode was about applying weed killer. He started off by saying that you should always wear eye protection, protective clothing and gloves when working with weed killer. Then he mentioned that a friend of his had been working with weed killer and got some on his hands and the guy had to go urinate he didn't wash his hands. He said his friend had a difficult time explaining to his wife how he got the sores on his wanker.
So, I had an hour long phone conversation with my date tomorrow night. It went really well. We click pretty good over conversation so far.
All of my fingers and toes are crossed for you. And I'm sending out positive messages to the universe and the spirit world and all that stuff. You'll have a good time.
Here's hoping your date is amazing and if not, you can always blame any unfortunate "accident" on a slip of the hatchet. LOL Seriously, go and have a blast!
Thank you for your well wishes! I hope I get to come back with a good report. He was very very cute last night. He told me how much he enjoyed talking to me on the phone and he said "Beauty AND brains, package deal!"
I am excited and hopeful, but I wish I wasn't, I try not to be.
Here is to hoping he isn't gay, he isn't a priest, he isn't secretly married, and not a complete perv!
Here is to hoping he isn't gay, he isn't a priest, he isn't secretly married, and not a complete perv!
Hahaha! Yes!!!!
Here is to hoping he isn't gay, he isn't a priest, he isn't secretly married, and not a complete perv!
Ginger,
You've dated a series of freaks, but this guy seems very normal. That makes him a freak, so that should be a relief. A guy that's a freak for not being a freak is perfect.
You'll be bringing this one in for a landing. Ignore the fire trucks, they're just a precaution.
I am going to go with your positive attitude, maybe I will be fruitful!
I can really use a freakishly normal guy. I think I am due.
I am going to go with your positive attitude, maybe I will be fruitful!
I can really use a freakishly normal guy. I think I am due.
The only thing I am going to say is that none of us are "NORMAL" - it is a question of what your boundaries are and which red flags can not be passed.
LOVE is a CHOICE.
I agree w/Cadet....no one is absolutely normal. We all have our quirks, etc. We have to set our boundaries and when the red flags pop up, assess them and then decide whether we will allow them to continue to fly or we lower the them and see where things go. That is a decision we all have to make when we begin dating again.
We are the only authors of our life's story...do not allow others to take up the pen and write it for you.
Love is definitely a choice.
There is no such thing as normal. Completely agreed. I am happy with someone not being a freak:) And amen to the boundaries. You just have to decide for yourself what is acceptable and what isn't.
The date went super good. It felt like it was our 3rd date, not our first. We were just natural together. He is outgoing, very personable, fun, smart and sweet. And he's got a really nice body, haha. MUSCLES! The hatchet throwing was ALOT of fun, and after the work week I had, it felt good! Then we went to grab a bite and a drink. Very good conversation. Then we did come back to my house and sat outside on my patio and talked some more.
I know I get slack for having long dates when they are good. But it was a long one. Our first kiss of the night was not like any I have ever had on a first date. It was an hour in, we both got matching bulleyes on our targets and in celebration we just kissed. Neither of saw it coming, it just happened.
He is the youngest of 5, his parents were married forever, and his mom died a few years ago. His dad lives alone in their childhood home and he says he talks to his dad everyday and goes to his house every weekend and does all the yardwork and takes him out to lunch. He has a 5 year old son with his exGF, but they never married. Been broken up for 2 years and they amicably share custody of their son.
Yes, we are very attracted to eachother and we did make out.
So, probably one of the best first dates. I hope there will be more. We talked about it. Kid schedules, so we didn't firm anything up yet. But we talked about kayaking together, going to the beach (we both love the water).
Now I freak out because I haven't heard from him yet, but he got home very late and might still be sleeping. It's also not even noon, but that next day when you had a good time always gets a little nerve-wracking.
On another really lovely note. I D10 calls me from aftercare yesterday and says one of the directors has something to tell me. My D10 has been attending the boys and girls club since kindergarten. Before and after care and summer camp. The directors have been there the whole time. One was leaving and they had a breakfast for her (the employees, no kids) and she told them all one of her best experiences was watching my daughter grow and mature so beautifully. That she will deinfitley be a counselor there one day. That she appreciates how D10 is always helping out around the club, be it with the younger kids, paperwork for camp, or the gardening. They let her know, and they wanted to let me know and they said I am doing a great job with her.
My heart just melted. I am so proud of that kid. She is such an amazing little lady. The most important thing for me was to raise a child with a big heart and kindness and helps others. And that is who she is. I am so proud of her.
I am glad the date went well. Sounds like you two clicked.
As for your daughter, what a wonderful way to let you know that you've done a great job in the way that you have raised your daughter. She is a lovely young lady and it shows in every photo and action that she takes. Kudos to you and your daughter.
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