Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Ginger1 I may be here forever - 10/20/17 03:55 AM
Vent Fest

The title of my thread isn't a bad thing. I am over the whole divorce thing, but the support post divorce has been great. So many people have helped me through the past 9 years of my life here and I appreciate the continued support.

Even when I remarry my prince and move into his castle I will still come here to post the good stuff, not just the misery.

Met up with good friend and our doctor friend last night and had a blast. They kicked us out of the restaurant so we sat in the back of dr friend's pick up in the parking lot and drank wine straight out of the bottle. Yup, we really did that. The three of us talking. Those two are married..... (not to eachother). Dr. friend posed a question: "would you rather be in a marriage where you are on the same wavelength about stuff and worked well as a team, but was passionless, or a marriage where you were opposites, fought, but were fueled with passion?" I asked if there is an in between. His marriage is more of the first. They get along fine, raise their kids well, but no passion. I also don't think there is much sex. My friend on the other hand, they are a good team, although do enjoy very separate things, but they have passion.

It was medicinal last night. I just forgot about my feelings for a while. I laughed. not fake laughed, but real laughed.

I have been really down and discouraged, but I can still enjoy the good times. I don't fake my way through them. It really is impossible to be so sad and happy at the same time.

KML,

I always get my vitamin D levels checked and I am always normal. I could still supplement, though. Due to the injury I haven't been getting much natural exposure this year, so who knows. My depression is mostly situational unfortunately. The AD's do take the edge off. I think the problem is I did other things to manage the depression such as exercise, which I don't really have right now.

As far as the whole weight loss thing goes, there are few guys who like the kate moss types. Everyone has their preference, and guys who are attracted to curves I guess are attracted to me. The funny thing is I think I look better naked than in clothes. Does that make any sense? I'm just going to focus on my health rather than how I look.

Busy weekend coming up, but I got some good stuff going on.
Posted By: DonH Re: I may be here forever - 10/20/17 06:35 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Vent Fest

The funny thing is I think I look better naked than in clothes.


To which I say, oh yeah, prove it! smile
Posted By: Zues126 Re: I may be here forever - 10/20/17 10:01 AM
G, just wanted to lend you some support in shrugging off some of the abrasive replies to your posts.

I don't understand it at all. Of course I agree with most of what you write, but I also feel you present yourself very respectfully as well. I don't like people snapping at you.

I've found this forum overall to be warmer than most online communities but I guess nothing is perfect. I've been on the flip side of some surprising spazz-outs as well and I guess that's just part of life. But just because all of us that love your contributions don't sing your praise with every post you make doesn't mean we're not out here.
Posted By: DonH Re: I may be here forever - 10/21/17 04:15 AM
Was that directed at me Zues? If so, you are not understanding the fact that G and I have communicated outside of this forum and both get each other's humor, as it's much the same. Perhaps I should have sent this to her in a text but I think most people get it. Perhaps I was wrong. If not directed at me, then never mind. smile.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: I may be here forever - 10/21/17 04:26 AM
No Don, not directed at you. G has been reaching out in newcomers section and has had a few people respond in very abrasive manner. Sorry for any misunderstanding.
Posted By: DonH Re: I may be here forever - 10/21/17 04:53 AM
Oh good - you had me questioning myself now and sending G a text just in case. Lol. I figured she and anyone else who knows us would "get it" but then I thought perhaps I need a better perspective. smile. Thanks for clarifying. I think the world of G, sorta like the little sister of a good friend and would not want to offend her - even though she can hang and swear with the best of the "guys".
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 10/21/17 01:09 PM
Originally Posted By: Zues126
G, just wanted to lend you some support in shrugging off some of the abrasive replies to your posts.

I don't understand it at all. Of course I agree with most of what you write, but I also feel you present yourself very respectfully as well. I don't like people snapping at you.

I've found this forum overall to be warmer than most online communities but I guess nothing is perfect. I've been on the flip side of some surprising spazz-outs as well and I guess that's just part of life. But just because all of us that love your contributions don't sing your praise with every post you make doesn't mean we're not out here.


Thank you very much Zues. I at first had no clue what you were talking about, then I found it. I do my best to give honest advice from a loving concerned place. People may not always agree, but my intentions are never bad and are always good.

As my title of my thread says, I'll be here forever, and I have been here a very long time as well. I was quite a mess for years, actually. I was on the receiving end of some harsh 2x4's. I am happy for most of them. Actually, if it wasn't for this forum my daughter would have never attended ex and OWW's wedding. I wasn't going to let her go (she was 3 at the time) but I ended up doing so at the last minute. As incredibly painful it was for me, she would have had resentment for not letting her go, I am sure.

This is a place no one ever wanted to be or imagined themselves being. If I could help others as they have helped me, then I will always contribute. Sometimes it takes a long time to realize how much they have helped us.

And Don, in your dreams!!!! HAHA! Yeah, sometimes I question if I am a guy trapped in a woman's body. I can talk the "guy" talk all too well.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 10/21/17 01:22 PM
That being said, I met ex and D for her yearly physical and her shots. He hasn't been to an appointment in many years. She has been seeing the same doc since birth and she knows our sitch. My D10 has a real fear of shots. She freaked out again. I was kind of glad he was here this time. And..... my 10 year old has reached the beginning stages of puberty. My baby is becoming a woman, and it makes me sad on some level. She's such a bright loving girl, I hope she stays that way when the hormones take over!!!

Then I went later and met up for D10's football game. She was crying when I got there, feeling miserable after her shots. I again got to spend some quality time with OWW! She told me about all the Halloween parties they got invited to at the last minute on the same day. She proceeded to tell me about how she was trying to find couple costume ideas. Boundaries this woman does not know!! when I got there, ex was coming back with hot chocolates. He offered to walk back and get me one. I declined. Later I said I was thirsty and was going to get a water from the snack stand and get a water. OWW was talking my ear off and I wasn't in the mood. Ex says "let me go get it for you so you can rest your knee" I wanted to get away, so I politely declined. My ex was never even that attentive when we were married. Maybe it was because I brought him apple pie I made. I know its his favorite. I should not do that stuff, but I do it for anyone. I had them take her home after half time. She was just miserable. I went shopping and came home.

And worth a mention.... I volunteered today and say my patients at the nursing home. I got my guy to go outside because it was beautiful, then I convinced my lady who never wants to do anything to go outside. She loved it out there. They both did. My lady is not so well oriented to time and she never remembers me. But she speaks of her family very clearly. She spoke about her husband. She says " We were married for 38 years. He really loved me and I miss him. I have no idea why he stayed with me. he's so calm and me, not so much. I just don't know why he chose me to love, but he did and he loved me dearly" I wanted to cry for so many reasons. I told her she must be a very special lady and she is very worthy of his love.

Time to go cuddle up in bed with Netflix now. Fun day ahead tomorrow.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: I may be here forever - 10/25/17 07:13 AM
I don't think being here forever is necessarily a bad thing. You have a lot of great wisdom and insight to offer, so I think sticking around is beneficial not just to you, but to many of us as well.

You are a saint in dealing with OWW. Man, the boundary issues with that one. If I didn't know any better I would think she was my XH's sister. He has similar boundary issues (wanted to invite his first ex-wife to our wedding, insisted on introducing me to the woman he cheated on me with...clueless jerk!).

Yay for volunteering. Such a great way to give of your time and make an impact in this world. You inspire me constantly with your attitude and your fortitude. I'm glad you will be here forever. wink
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 10/26/17 05:28 AM
Thank you so much Dawn. I feel as if I used to have some good wisdom and be a good example of someone who survived this mess and came out winning. I feel like such a loser lately I don't know that I am helping anyone. I am really trying to perk up my attitude these days, because I know it stinks. I wish I could meet you IRL Dawn. I think we would have such a great time.

Journaling:

A picture of a guy I used to date with his girlfriend triggered me. All my ex's are in relationships and with social media (and sharing a kid with one!) you get to see it all. I am so happy for this guy. He looks so darned happy. But it makes me feel awful about myself. I was never good enough to be that GF. Only good enough for companionship. My self worth has been taking a huge nose dive. Which has caused me to delve into every relationship I have had. And questioning why I am not worth it to them. or anyone. Yet, I know I am. I know I am a dam good catch even if not perfect. But you see a pattern and you question it.

That aside. I need to date. Seriously. I mentioned the PT assistant. Not dating him, but he is cute and he was wearing a very nice cologne yesterday and he has to come close and touch me...... and I realize its been far too long. I was sniffing the cologne in my Macy's catalog the other day.... it just smelled like a man and it was comforting. This is desperate and pathetic!

Work stinks. We are low on work right now. Everything is going to change soon, and my manager only gives projects to one person in particular when we all are eager to help. People are miserable in our department and want to leave. Which is a shame, because the atmosphere used to be such a good one. I went from saving lives or helping people achieve a peaceful death to sitting behind a desk bored as heck being extremely undervalued. I don't even feel like a nurse. I am still waiting on this case manager job, and the person who referred me said I should get it without a doubt. We shall see.

To the positive..... My daughter is amazing. She really is. her heart is huge and she has been helpful and respectful to me and just oh so loving. She stayed at her dad's house last night. This morning she texts me "I hope you have a nice day". I was reduced to tears over this. I was thinking the other day how much I miss when someone cared enough to text me in the morning or to wish me a good day or good night. And there is my baby texting me to wish me a good day. it warmed my heart so much.

I am still trying to keep an ounce of hope things will change around soon for me.
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 10/26/17 07:52 AM
Quote:
Which has caused me to delve into every relationship I have had. And questioning why I am not worth it to them. or anyone. Yet, I know I am. I know I am a dam good catch even if not perfect. But you see a pattern and you question it.


Wrong question. The right question is: "Why do I keep picking men who don't value me and recreate the abandonment of my youth?"
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I may be here forever - 10/26/17 08:18 AM
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
Which has caused me to delve into every relationship I have had. And questioning why I am not worth it to them. or anyone. Yet, I know I am. I know I am a dam good catch even if not perfect. But you see a pattern and you question it.


Wrong question. The right question is: "Why do I keep picking men who don't value me and recreate the abandonment of my youth?"


My Dear Ginger, THIS^^^^^^^.

((( )))
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 10/27/17 03:17 AM
I had my IC yesterday and I swear I went through a lot of tissues.

I have definitely chosen men in the past who don't value me and recreate the abandonment of my youth. I have been working through not doing that anymore very hard with my IC. I am so defeated this time because my last one did not. He was thoughtful, considerate, put in much effort, we made a good team, we enjoyed eachother's company.... it was really great aside from some bumps that were to be expected. I really really thought this one had long term potential. The break up knocked me on my butt.

I also realize the longer I am alone, the more I am willing to tolerate when someone new comes along. I won't do this anymore. But sadly enough, when you famine so long, feeding on scraps feels like a feast. But I am paying strict attention not to do that.

We went through the timeline of my life with mother/exH ect. I don't think we ever went through the timeline before and the events that happened. She didn't know I was on my own at 18. I told her about everything. She was looking on in almost horror.

She said one of my strongest points will always be overcoming bad situations and making the best out of a bad situation. I am survivor. And I have been surviving on my own for so long. She knows I am so damn tired. I really am.

My dad is going to be in my state for a wedding tonight and is staying over. I practically begged him to come to D10's game tomorrow and have dinner with us. He can't do it because of the dog. I confided in him a little the other day about how I was feeling. he asked what he could do. This is what I need him to do, but he can't.

The good thing is ex and OWW have all these Halloween parties and won't be attending. I get a reprieve.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: I may be here forever - 10/27/17 04:05 AM
We're all on different paths but here's where my thoughts turn.

For me there are two heart breaking things in my life:

One is the loss of my marriage. We've all been through it, but you know me well enough to know that this impacted me as heavily as anyone. And you also know that not only have I had to accept that my marriage didn't turn out to be the relationship I had hoped for, I've also come to accept that type of relationship very well won't happen for me in my life.

The other tragedy for me is that no matter how hard I work on my pool game I can't get to the level I'd like. Or just as hard, that maybe I could if I had the opportunity but that I'll never find out. This is something only I know how deeply sorrowful this is for me.

In many ways these are parallel situations. Something isn't the way I wish it was, but it is still something. When my 6 year old wants cookies for desert and she gets an ice cream bar instead. It's still something. What has gotten me through is appreciation for what I have, and I firmly believe now that life isn't about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you get.

I told you I'd learned much of this from my divorce, but I've dealt with it with pool as well. One day I was beating myself up because a 16 year old from China ran 5 racks in a row to win a world championship in stunning fashion. I was 10 years older and had logged many more hours and hadn't gotten near that level. I was really discouraged until I realized this- if I have to go as far as to compare myself to a prodigy world champion on the other side of the globe in order to feel inferior, well, I must be striking the balls pretty well. I've learned to celebrate and enjoy the game I have despite it not being the game I set out to achieve.

You noticed this in your post to me and applauded my ability to do this. It wasn't an accident. I HAD to. It was either abandon my family to chase the dragon (not happening!), be perpetually heartbroken, quit pool, or kill myself. Or I could just learn to enjoy what I have.

Guess what? My friend struggles with the same thing, he quits pool, then misses it, then quits pool, then gets depressed. It's hard to watch. And when he does play he is tormented because it's not what he wants. Worst is when he convinces himself that he can do it, "I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it", trying to convince himself that this is America, the land of dreams, and if you want something bad enough you can get it, that even though he can only play once a week since it's him and he's special and he wants it so much somehow it will happen for him and he'll become an elite champion. This is so nonsensical that he has to spend all his energy in denial, denying the reality and impossibility of this because he wants it so bad that he has to chase a dream and tell himself it can come true. Then when reality comes bursting in there is a huge crash into depression again. He quits again and swears off the game because if he can't get what he really wants he doesn't want to play.

Well, the relationship thing is no different. There is a concept that isn't popular, that of "you might never end up with the relationship you crave". All of you here on the DBing site work very hard to dismiss that. We can talk about learning and growing and relationship skills and fixing our pickers and on and on and on, but when you just look at the real world and see how the game plays out it's clear that most paths don't lead to happily ever after the way I hear most people talk about it. To me this is the same thing as my buddy trying to hold on with white knuckles to the belief that he's going to be the world champion. It may be impossible for everyone else but he's him, he's special, he wants it more, he needs it, so it has to work out for him, right?!? I see the same thing as we sit here on a forum full of people who's partners left them, who's marriages broke down way before they fell apart, and in a culture and a society when almost zero of the partnerships we witness come close to the standards of our inner desires. Oh, I know, it is possible, I'm sure you can point to an example, just like my friend can point at the world champion and thereby rationalize that it is possible to make that happen as well. But maybe, just maybe, it doesn't happen for us in our lifetimes G.

That's a big bummer for sure. But it's not as big of a bummer as trying to convince ourselves everyday of a fairy tale ending and being horrified to our soul that reality keeps threatening to break through our denial and force us to contend with a loss we don't want to deal with.

I guess all of this is a long winded way of saying that I think for many of us the divorce is just one loss, that there is another loss which is the loss of our fantasy relationship we are sure is coming, and I believe most DBers are firmly in the denial stage of this loss. That we all process this differently, but that for me settling in to acceptance has helped. It still is a loss, it isn't what I wanted, just like my divorce and my pool game...but I can live with it and appreciate the good I have.

As for being tired, I feel you there. I can talk more about it in my thread sometime but I know what it means to feel tired. In my experience there are two ways to try to feel less tired: Take on less to spend less energy, or take on some things you love which gives you energy. The first option is ok at times, we all need a rest day to bum around. But number two is much better.

I could watch youtube videos of cats 12 hours a day and have my only responsibility be getting up to make my own lunch and I could find a way for that to be exhausting. Or I could lay in bed for a week and instead of feeling refreshed and ready to jump back into a busy world I'd feel a sense of dread that I didn't want to have to go back in the battle again.

On the other hand, I come to a pool tournament like this one and it wakes up forces in me I forgot about, passion, desires, all of these things. I can't wait to get home to work on my stroke, to set up more matches, to go to my next event. As you noticed I feel more alive than I have for a long time.

So my suggestion is not to try to take things off your plate or sleep a lot, but rather to try to make time to do some of those things that make you feel the way pool makes me feel. It recharges the battery.

I'm curious what those things are for you. Maybe dating could do that for you if you could take the pressure of the perfect relationship off, kind of like how pool does it for me if I can let go of the idea of being US Open Champion.

Not sure, just my thoughts today. Hang in there G. I'm off to work on my 'eye patterns'...;)
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 10/27/17 07:55 AM

A wise man said, "If you're constantly ruminating, then you will miss your life."
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 10/30/17 07:50 AM
Zues,

I read your post a few times on Friday. Then took a board break over the weekend. I want to first thank you for the time and understanding you put into it. I see what you are saying. I think losing the fantasy of what should be was the most crippling for me. It took me a long time to deal with it. With my M anyways.

I am OK with no fairytale. I am very much a realist which can be mistaken for a pessimist sometimes. Someone on the outside might have looked at me and FF R as not "perfect". It wasn't. We had some difference, some things that drove me nuts about him, and I am sure vice versa. But in the grand scheme of things, he respected me, he cared for me, and we enjoyed eachother's company. But I am not looking for the perfect fairytale R like some waywards I know in real life.

I have tried to get ok with being alone forever. It is simply not in my make-up. I thought about your posts regarding pool and the passion you have for it and what fuels my soul. I always thought I was an introvert, but what fuels my passion and soul are close intimate relationships. They make me lively. It's a part of who I am. Human connection. That part of me is also why I chose my profession and was very good at it. Nursing is human connection. And I don't even do that anymore. I realize I can appreciate what I have and still want what fuels me and I have passion for.

As far as the other things? Exercise was a great big part of my life. I can barely walk now. My knee is stiff, it's ROM stinks, walking is difficult, and lately every joint in my body has been causing me pain. My foot problem is back because of the way I am walking. I feel 90 year old. I feel awful. I always had aches and pain, but exercise always made them better and I loved seeing what my body could do. It felt so good.

Pursing other interests is a catch 22. I have my daughter most of the time. Our weekday night is not consistent. I cannot commit to something I cannot bring D10 to. I have no family and I can't afford a babysitter once a week. I go to PT 3 times a week and she comes. I have been living this way my whole life. I am glad we don't do 50/50 for my sake. Plus he doesn't want it. But with zero family to help, it is all always me. And bless her soul for being such a good sport tagging along with me to play volleyball or going to the gym or PT. I certainly can't expect anymore from her.

As you can see, none of my needs are being met. I realize I live for everyone else but myself. I realize as a mother, that is a sacrifice we make. But my life has essentially revolved around what ex and OW decided for me. I have only chosen to make the best of the situation. But I am struggling big time.

Doodler is right, I am ruminating a lot. Right now I don't have much of a life, though, lol. Last IC session I realized something scary. I am traumatized. By My childhood, by my younger adulthood, and by the mistreatment by my ex. I played it off for so many years that nothing ever affected me and I'm just fine. That I am strong as nails.

But I am not just fine. Everything that happened to me has really affected me. You now how abuse victims forget to not deal with the pain? Well, I realized I couldn't tell my stories because I would rather not deal with the reality. That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I.

So I am terrified of reliving the same R that ex and I had. I chose carefully in that respect.

But I know fantasies don't exist. I don't need perfect and I never did. I just need respect, love and little stability.

Maybe one day.
Posted By: Georgiabelle Re: I may be here forever - 10/30/17 02:03 PM
Oh wow. I think the universe wanted me to see this thread as it’s been a bit since I’ve been here. I’m sorry you are having a tough time, G. Hopefully PT is going well but I’m sure you miss being able to do some things you enjoy.

Highjack alert...Zeus, I agree with you on many levels about how profoundly some of us were affected by a divorce. Yes, all affected but some in different ways. I believe very much in marriage and secretly feel excited for someone celebrating an anniversary or new love. And although I like having a partner, I simply no longer want that and I struggle with it. It makes no sense to me-well perhaps it does. I just don’t like it. It confuses me on a very primal level. I wish I felt differently. Maybe one day.

I think I believe that people are just so freaking exhausting. Not all, but so many people suffer from so many issues that while I sympathize, I’m not sure I have the fortitude to handle. I dunno. This post resonated with me in a way I can’t totally articulate.

Wishing everyone a happy Halloween.
Posted By: JujuB Re: I may be here forever - 10/31/17 01:19 PM
I too believe very much in marriage and commitment. And MWD's books are great books for people in marriages that are dealing with the universal husband/wife issues.

But most of what we were dealing with and healing from were not universal issues. They were clear cut abuse,betrayal and severe dysfunction from the people that we gave our lives to. Jerry Springer type stuff.

"That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I"

Yes, Yes, Yes! This comment many of us can relate to. I know I do. I am constantly going over and over in my mind different things my ex said or did.

Ginger, I really think respect, love, and stability are out there. It exists. And there is absolutely no reason why it wont exist for you. You are stable, respectful, warm, and loving. And usually the universe gives back to us what we project. I think its natural to want a healthy romantic relationship. And I really truly think it will happen for you. There are like minded people out there.
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/01/17 02:47 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
But I am not just fine. Everything that happened to me has really affected me. You now how abuse victims forget to not deal with the pain? Well, I realized I couldn't tell my stories because I would rather not deal with the reality. That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I.


Ginger,

I'm certainly not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I wonder if you suffer from chronic latent (masked) depression. There's a fair amount of evidence that the efficacy of antidepressants declines over the long-term. In recent years, there's been an increased interest in the use of ketamine, MDMA and other psychedelics (yep) for the treatment of depression. It might be worth looking into that kind of treatment. If your world looks brighter, you'll be happier and you'll be less likely to jump into an unhealthy relationship.

Of course, I also recommend copious consumption of hummus for all of life's woes. Unfortunately, the end result is stinky farts and the subsequent alienation of friends and family. Beware of hummus addiction.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: I may be here forever - 11/01/17 03:14 AM

Ginger, stop by my thread if you want, b/c I've been struggling with some "loopy" thoughts at night and saw a doctor yesterday.


[quote=Ginger1]Zues,
-

I am OK with no fairytale. I am very much a realist which can be mistaken for a pessimist sometimes. -

I have tried to get ok with being alone forever. It is simply not in my make-up.


okay so this^^ is You saying on one hand, you have an innate need (which I understand)

AND that you are "okay with being alone forever." That = you will not have your needs met.

Oh dear Ginger, this IS pessimistic and I swear, not realistic. - geez for MY sake, I hope it's not.

-are close intimate relationships. They make me lively. It's a part of who I am. Human connection. That part of me is also why I chose my profession and was very good at it. Nursing is human connection. And I don't even do that anymore. I realize I can appreciate what I have and still want what fuels me and I have passion for.


if you really don't want to do nursing anymore - I mean, really, IF - that might be a reflection of an underlying depression that needs treating.

Are you getting treated? I mean, by an MD?

As far as the other things? Exercise was a great big part of my life.- \\\

You will get exercise back in some form if you choose to.



Pursing other interests is a catch 22. I have my daughter most of the time. Our weekday night is not consistent.


Ginger, please do not accept this^^ as status quo and be stuck. There is choice for you to exercise.

You can change this^^^. Either get your ex to commit to a specific night - which is a normal reasonable expectation (!!) and he has her little as it is

OR get his financial help to pay for a sitter on a regular night. This is also a normal, reasonable expectation.

and I believe with all my heart that your D would benefit from this in the long run.

Hey, maybe Tell your favorite bff (your ex's wife) you know "she wants to be fair..."

geez, maybe HER parents can take care of THEIR grandchild....even as I write that it makes me laugh and shudder in horror at the same time.

But let their idiocy benefit you if it can.


If you don't GAL and detach, it's harder to bring new people into your life, isn't it?

seems to me it's hard for a man to enter your life inserting himself in the living room to make an instant family with no "couple" activities planned, no way to build an identity as a couple b/c you might have your D anytime your ex won't or says he can't.

There are other reasons for you to GAL, than meeting a man, obviously. But in a way you are still letting your ex call the shots.

I worry you won't be able to GAL much if you cannot schedule time as a single woman on a regular basis.

in effect that is what you are saying.



I cannot commit to something I cannot bring D10 to. I have no family and I can't afford a babysitter once a week
.


you must involve her dad.
too many "I can't"s are in there^^^.




I go to PT 3 times a week and she comes. I have been living this way my whole life. I am glad we don't do 50/50 for my sake. Plus he doesn't want it. But with zero family to help, it is all always me.


And bless her soul for being such a good sport tagging along with me to play volleyball or going to the gym or PT. I certainly can't expect anymore from her.



what does that mean? She's a good sport, God knows.
But if she knew she had a sitter (b/c we assume her dad or his wife won't step up to the plate?)
and she liked that sitter

how would one night be HER giving more? Honestly I think she'd learn to love it and value it.

Having a 3rd party affirm our children is not taking away something from them. It's adding.

That^^ is what I told myself when dropping the kids off at the nanny's and I feel validated b/c I had a great woman helping. My kids are on fb with her 25 years later...

plus you have to teach HER how to set boundaries or she will grow up and think all of her life is to support and revolve around others

and she won't know what it looks like to discover her needs and prioritize them.

You are the model for that. (OR she can be self centered and oblivious to other's needs and be like her dad...)

you are her only model for emotional and mental health and kindness in r's.



As you can see, none of my needs are being met. I realize I live for everyone else but myself.
I realize as a mother, that is a sacrifice we make. But my life has essentially revolved around what ex and OW decided for me. I have only chosen to make the best of the situation. But I am struggling big time.



I hear you. But Making "the best of the situation" is not really what's happening.

Can you see that?

How might you change things?

Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/01/17 06:28 AM
Originally Posted By: JujuB
I too believe very much in marriage and commitment. And MWD's books are great books for people in marriages that are dealing with the universal husband/wife issues.

But most of what we were dealing with and healing from were not universal issues. They were clear cut abuse,betrayal and severe dysfunction from the people that we gave our lives to. Jerry Springer type stuff.

"That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I"

Yes, Yes, Yes! This comment many of us can relate to. I know I do. I am constantly going over and over in my mind different things my ex said or did.

Ginger, I really think respect, love, and stability are out there. It exists. And there is absolutely no reason why it wont exist for you. You are stable, respectful, warm, and loving. And usually the universe gives back to us what we project. I think its natural to want a healthy romantic relationship. And I really truly think it will happen for you. There are like minded people out there.


Thanks Juju. I am trying do hard to not give up hope that things such as marriage commitment and love aren't fantasy. And thank you, I try to be a decent person and I do hope the universe throws it back at me soon. The thing is, while I hope it comes back around I realize even if it didn't, I couldn't just say "to hell with it" and become a shity person.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/01/17 06:31 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
But I am not just fine. Everything that happened to me has really affected me. You now how abuse victims forget to not deal with the pain? Well, I realized I couldn't tell my stories because I would rather not deal with the reality. That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I.


Ginger,

I'm certainly not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I wonder if you suffer from chronic latent (masked) depression. There's a fair amount of evidence that the efficacy of antidepressants declines over the long-term. In recent years, there's been an increased interest in the use of ketamine, MDMA and other psychedelics (yep) for the treatment of depression. It might be worth looking into that kind of treatment. If your world looks brighter, you'll be happier and you'll be less likely to jump into an unhealthy relationship.

Of course, I also recommend copious consumption of hummus for all of life's woes. Unfortunately, the end result is stinky farts and the subsequent alienation of friends and family. Beware of hummus addiction.



I really don't know if I have chronic depression. I have been medicated for 2 years. And lightly. I truly think it is situational. There really is only so much one can take from external forces before they internalize them and crack. I've never done any drugs other than pot and I would probably freak out on those meds. I am the person you meet and would never know I am depressed. It's the last thing you would think of me. It's not that I am faking it. I do enjoy myself and have fun every now and then. And maybe I just know how to work through the crappy feelings, I really don't know.

I am Syrian and I love Hummus. But it's got to be the good homemade stuff.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/01/17 07:00 AM
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Ginger, stop by my thread if you want, b/c I've been struggling with some "loopy" thoughts at night and saw a doctor yesterday.


I absolutely will

[quote=Ginger1]Zues,
-

I am OK with no fairytale. I am very much a realist which can be mistaken for a pessimist sometimes. -

I have tried to get ok with being alone forever. It is simply not in my make-up.


okay so this^^ is You saying on one hand, you have an innate need (which I understand)

AND that you are "okay with being alone forever." That = you will not have your needs met.

[color:#CC0000]I am not okay with being alone forever. That's the problem. I wish I was
.

Oh dear Ginger, this IS pessimistic and I swear, not realistic. - geez for MY sake, I hope it's not.
[/color]
-are close intimate relationships. They make me lively. It's a part of who I am. Human connection. That part of me is also why I chose my profession and was very good at it. Nursing is human connection. And I don't even do that anymore. I realize I can appreciate what I have and still want what fuels me and I have passion for.


if you really don't want to do nursing anymore - I mean, really, IF - that might be a reflection of an underlying depression that needs treating.

[color:#FF0000]I do want to do nursing. I currently am an RN who works in finance behind a desk not working with patients. I make good money, it is flexible with good hours, but as you can see from my time spent on here, it is boring and not what I became a nurse for. I gave up my bedside career because of the divorce. I miss patients, I miss challenges, I miss being a "real" nurse. Also a part of who I am. I gave up shiftwork because I had no help with D. I applied for a hospital case manager position which I think will give me a good balance between interacting and helping patients while not having to do shift work. Keep your fingers crossed!

Are you getting treated? I mean, by an MD?
[/color]

I see a psychotherapist who is wonderful. She is like a mom to me, which is what I need sometimes. I am being prescribed anti-D's by my primary physician.
As far as the other things? Exercise was a great big part of my life.- \\\

You will get exercise back in some form if you choose to.



Pursing other interests is a catch 22. I have my daughter most of the time. Our weekday night is not consistent.


Ginger, please do not accept this^^ as status quo and be stuck. There is choice for you to exercise.

You can change this^^^. Either get your ex to commit to a specific night - which is a normal reasonable expectation (!!) and he has her little as it is

[color:#990000]There isn't much of a choice. He can only do days OWW does not have court in the morning. he gives them to me a head of time. And I realize getting stringent on the day of the week would hurt me, if I need flexibility or a friend invites me out on a night he is with her. I weighed the pros and cons on this one often.

OR get his financial help to pay for a sitter on a regular night. This is also a normal, reasonable expectation.

and I believe with all my heart that your D would benefit from this in the long run.

I looked into this too. Babysitter for my recreational activities is not something he would be entitled to pay. He pays me child support (which is like nothing) which is supposed to cover the time she is with me. he would never pay. And legally, he isn't entitled to. Would she absolutely love a babysitter? Yes! She would love it. My wallet won't love it on a regular basis. But I will use them for a special invite.

Hey, maybe Tell your favorite bff (your ex's wife) you know "she wants to be fair..."

ha! No, she works long hours. And get always get her to school in the morning.

geez, maybe HER parents can take care of THEIR grandchild....even as I write that it makes me laugh and shudder in horror at the same time.

But let their idiocy benefit you if it can.


They live in PA. His sister has offered to watch her for me when I go out, but not on a regular basis.

If you don't GAL and detach, it's harder to bring new people into your life, isn't it?

seems to me it's hard for a man to enter your life inserting himself in the living room to make an instant family with no "couple" activities planned, no way to build an identity as a couple b/c you might have your D anytime your ex won't or says he can't.

Probably what I miss about FF is that he kind of did insert himself into my family and it was great. but when she was with her dad, we went on the best dates. We would do all day dates with a different activities, and it was awesome. I had the best of both worlds for 3 months of my life and it is hard to let go of.
You are one hundred percent right. It is a true conundrum. people ask why I don't meet anyone. How? Where? I committed to my special gym group and that's where I met FF. I did get out and in turn meet someone. And I made new friends. It was good for me. Don't get me wrong, when she is with her dad, I am out and about with friends. But I know a consistent hobby was good for me. I was feeling like myself again after the depression of my breakup when I joined that volleyball team. I made friends the first night, played a fun team sport, then had some drinks with them after. That adult conversation was so good for me. But the second night was the injury and I was out. I even went to the next game just to watch and hang out
.

There are other reasons for you to GAL, than meeting a man, obviously. But in a way you are still letting your ex call the shots.

I worry you won't be able to GAL much if you cannot schedule time as a single woman on a regular basis.

in effect that is what you are saying.
[/color]


I cannot commit to something I cannot bring D10 to. I have no family and I can't afford a babysitter once a week
.


you must involve her dad.
too many "I can't"s are in there^^^.



last year I asked him to take an extra night every other week during the week. he refused. The only way was if I pull our daughter out of school and place her in his town so it is more convenient for him. I almost smacked him through the phone.


I go to PT 3 times a week and she comes. I have been living this way my whole life. I am glad we don't do 50/50 for my sake. Plus he doesn't want it. But with zero family to help, it is all always me.


And bless her soul for being such a good sport tagging along with me to play volleyball or going to the gym or PT. I certainly can't expect anymore from her.



what does that mean? She's a good sport, God knows.
But if she knew she had a sitter (b/c we assume her dad or his wife won't step up to the plate?)
and she liked that sitter

how would one night be HER giving more? Honestly I think she'd learn to love it and value it.

Having a 3rd party affirm our children is not taking away something from them. It's adding.

[color:#990000]She would love one night a week with a sitter. I just cannot afford it. it stinks. She really is a good sport coming along, and I am sure she would rather not if she got to stay with a sitter.


That^^ is what I told myself when dropping the kids off at the nanny's and I feel validated b/c I had a great woman helping. My kids are on fb with her 25 years later...

plus you have to teach HER how to set boundaries or she will grow up and think all of her life is to support and revolve around others

and she won't know what it looks like to discover her needs and prioritize them.

You are the model for that. (OR she can be self centered and oblivious to other's needs and be like her dad...)

you are her only model for emotional and mental health and kindness in r's.

[/color]

As you can see, none of my needs are being met. I realize I live for everyone else but myself.
I realize as a mother, that is a sacrifice we make. But my life has essentially revolved around what ex and OW decided for me. I have only chosen to make the best of the situation. But I am struggling big time.



I hear you. But Making "the best of the situation" is not really what's happening.

Can you see that?

How might you change things?



I really don't know how to change things. I always thought I was striking a good balance. But I am not. I just don't know how to do it without it costing me money I don't have. I already treat myself to a cleaning service once a month. I NEED it. I am really trying to figure out how to make this work for all of us without losing my mind.

Last night D10 and I were invited to her BFF's parents friends house for a Halloween party and trick or treating. I went last year and had a blast and I have hung out with some of these people with D10's BFF. They are my kind of people. We come from the same mold. I had a blast. They all camp together and do weekend getaways together and the such. The couples and their kids. And boy was I envious. I so wanted to be invited!

Tonight D10 goes with her dad. I am supposed to go to PT tonight. But I am going to cancel. I felt guilty at first because it's easier fo rme to go when I don't have D10, but I want a night for myself just getting stuff done around the house in my PJ's. So that's what I am going to do. Sans guilt.
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/01/17 07:56 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I've never done any drugs other than pot and I would probably freak out on those meds.

I am Syrian and I love Hummus. But it's got to be the good homemade stuff.


Ginger,

Yeah, you're probably not chronically depressed, but it's a lot of fun to play Freud. Although I don't like cigars. Did you know that Sigmund Freud was addicted to cocaine?

I'm a squeaky clean choir boy, but I've heard from a friend of a friend that dropping acid and eating hummus is like the universe embracing you in a warm sparkling hug. Just don't let the universe squeeze too hard - toot toot.

I used to make my own hummus because I could tweak the recipe to my liking. But, I got lazy and the grocery store often has a two-for-one special.
Posted By: JujuB Re: I may be here forever - 11/01/17 09:03 AM
Just read 25s post amd she is making some really great points.

I have to work a few evenings a week. Its not convenient at all. I felt like a horrible mom, but the alternative for me is leaving outpatient and taking on hospital work which my back will not survive. But it ended up giving me a bit of a break during the day and his father has to pay a portion of childcare because im working while he is there.

Could you arrange something similar 1 day a week?

This time to myself is so valuable. If i didnt have it i dont know how i would get errands done. Or clean anything.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/06/17 01:14 AM
Oh boy, I don't even know where to begin. I am going to just kind of journal to get it out of my head. If any of you actually read this, thank you for sticking it out.

I'll skip the boring details of my weekend, but Saturday night I went out of the birthday of one of my gym friends. If you recall there was another friend who was very openly jealous of me and FF's relationship, which she admitted. She was also messaging him while we were dating, and she is just one of those weird sneaky b!tches. We were out, we hadn't seen eachother for sometime and she just couldn't wait to tell me that right after FF broke up with me, he began messaging her and talking to her going after her. She was like "yeah, I don't do that". So, I honestly don't know if I believe her or not. On one hand I do, because the birthday girl I was freidns with started talking about him a bit how all of a sudden he was dating his new GF so soon, I bet he was even talking to that other girl I was afraid he was dating. At one point I had enough of the night. The two-faced friend wanted to go hang out somewhere else with me and I actually pretended like my contact fell out because I just wanted to go home. This of course made me look at the R between FF and I. You were all right. His closeness right away is a flag. he is just a guy looking for a wifey going from girl to girl. So, I guess he found his girl. I felt like it was real, but I guess it wasn't. I was out and he called "next"!

Well, I joined POF a little over a week ago. I figured I would give it a shot. I got a LOT of messages but you really have to do your work on this site to weed out the booty callers. Most don't even read your profile which is very obvious. There were maybe 3 with potential. One we messaged a bit, he was cute, funny, a year older than me, we exchanged phone numbers. We chatted a little Saturday and I told him I was free all day Sunday. He told me he would call me when he got back from the gym at 5 on sunday and we would set something up. Well, I kind of built my day around the fact I was going out that night. I even let myself get a little excited. Well, he never called. When I wok up from my horrible nightmare at 11pm, here is how our text conversation went.

Me: I now daylight savings time screws people up, but it is way past 5"

Idiot: lol, You didn't show interest and you seemed busy/ try again or no?

Me: what exactly about me telling you that I was free with no commitments the next day and saying I was available to go out made me seem too busy or I wasn't interested

Idiot: (some weird video of him in a bathroom mirror)

Idiot: I'm free after 7 next Saturday

Idiot: I'm not looking for anything serious, I just want to hang out.

Me: I see you offer no apologies. My time is way too valuable to be wasted and disrespected. If you didn't want anything serious, you should put that in the section where you said "Interested in a Relationship" Even if you wanted nothing serious, it doesn't mean other's time is not valuable." I hope you find what you are looking for, but it is certainly not me.

And that was that. I HATE ONLINE DATING. There is one other guy I might give a chance to, he seems normal and interested, but I cannot deal with this BS. The last guy was a real douche too, and ghosted me twice when he seemed interested.

I seriously think I need to move out of this area to another section of this country where people show common decency.

And then, I had the most awful horrible nightmare of my life last night. I woke up drenched in sweat. Everyone I loved in my life turned on me. Including my daughter. I just laid in my bed and sobbed after that one. At least I had a dog to cuddle with.


Juju, I can't work evenings, so it isn't even an option. My IC an dI explored some possible options to get me one night a week but they are likely impossibilities. ANd you are by no means a horrible mom, you are doing what you need to for your family. You need the bit of a break during the day. I miss working nights sometimes and having my days off. I felt like I was able to get so much more done!

I NEED first in my life for my job to change. Something has to come of this. This might be the catalyst for more good things to come.

In the meantime, my daughter currently has straight A's, at the Baptism we attended, family we haven't see in so long told my dad how impressed they were that I raised such a well-behaved, kind child. That meant a lot. My fear has always been screwing up my child, but I think if even if I s*ck at everything else in my life, I did well by my child.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: I may be here forever - 11/06/17 02:09 AM
Oh my goodness, Ginger! How I wish we could sit down in person and talk because I just KNOW we would hit it off. I joined POF last week too and I TOTALLY agree with what you said about having to weed through the ones who just want booty calls. OMG!!!!!!! I was excited the first night when I got a bunch of messages then when I weeded through them and actually only talked to 1 or 2 people, I had to work really hard to not sit there and think all men are like that. I KNOW they are not, but what is it about being online that makes men think it's ok to act that way? I thought it was just me attracting such, but sadly, it makes me feel good to know that it's not just me. No offense to you, Ginger, just saying I totally empathize with what you are saying. Hang in there, girl! Something amazingly good is coming your way....I just know it!
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 11/06/17 12:54 PM
Quote:
I actually pretended like my contact fell out because I just wanted to go home.


This is brilliant! I need to remember this move.

AS for the online dating - first of all, do NOT make a date with someone you just met online! ONLY COFFEE DATES to start. Something with a strict time limit so you can exit gracefully after 45 minutes. You don't want to go on a real date until after you've met in a casual public situation.

Second - the "I'll call you after the gym" should have been your red flag. Someone who is interested MAKES a PLAN, doesn't wait to see if he happens to be available and a better offer hasn't come along in the meantime.

And yes, there's a lot of booty call BS you have to weed through. Don't take it so seriously, just expect that 9 out of 10 will not be serious. Try to talk to them online long enough to see they're not a perv, then set up a daytime coffee date to further check out whether they're weird or not.

(Also, btw, not setting a plan to meet can mean either they're married, or catfishing and don't even live in town. )

Yes, it's frustrating but if you just get a little savvy and realize you have to sift through a lot of toads, there are good guys out there too. Btw, I met my first guy on Plenty Of Fish but later on I found better prospects on OK Cupid - seemed overall a little better educated and hipper.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: I may be here forever - 11/06/17 05:55 PM
Good luck G. As you know I've never dated in real life or online, and I can see why you'd think it's impossible. And for most people that may be true. But for what it's worth I think you are the person that has the potential to make it work. You have a good balance where you don't put up with garbage yet you are willing to be reasonable, you have your guard up but you are interested in letting it down, and so on.

I'm kind of curious what your profile says. By the way that's not a request for you to share it, I'm just trying to imagine what I think it would say. I went through a phase where I thought about what my profile would say, but eventually I discovered the only profile that truly reflects me is none posted. At least it's honest. wink

Hang in and get some sleep. Sleep is good. And cut those nightmares out. The people that matter are in your corner for life. Have a good dream. I'll give you a topic. Zero calorie oreo cookies.
Posted By: Fogg Re: I may be here forever - 11/07/17 12:13 AM
Ginger,

Online dating can be tricky, I'm sorry you had that experience. I've heard before women typically get a bunch of responses from men who are searching for just casual sex or to hang out. I know it might seem like too much but don't let that give the impression most men are like that. I watched a video once where a guy was explaining why men tend to get this image and women only find the playboys. There's certainly a group of men who act that way and will message/hit on every women they come into contact with daily. So these are the men who are doing the vast majority of interactions with women, which gives that impression most men are like that. Basically, a few ruin the image for all. Some of us are much more cautious to initiate the first interaction so we don't do it as often. Just have to be patient with us, were out there.

I'm not sure if it helps at all but I didn't have the best experience with POF either. I didn't message first much but I seemed to attract very desperate and clingy women who did, and even ones who were obvious WW just ending their M. One girl had just left her H the month before, had a 6 month old and was wanting to meet and already talking about kissing me on the second or third day of texting. So while she was really attractive and we had things in common that interaction sent me running for the hills, major red flags everywhere. I ended up just cutting off the conversation when I realized with most, I just don't have time for that in my life now.

Bumble and Coffee Meets Bagel are two other apps that are a little slower paced and would put you in the drivers seat to initiate/sort through those conversations more but its not as extensive with the profile as say POF. However, I can definitely see a difference in the type of women who pop up there vs. other online places, so maybe its the same with the men.
Posted By: Cadet Re: I may be here forever - 11/07/17 01:01 AM
Originally Posted By: Fogg
I'm not sure if it helps at all but I didn't have the best experience with POF either.

I have heard it is where all our exes hang out
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/07/17 02:15 AM
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Fogg
I'm not sure if it helps at all but I didn't have the best experience with POF either.

I have heard it is where all our exes hang out


I can feel an idea festering in the edges of my gray matter. Online dating can leave a lot to be desired. What if people could come together by serving a need that someone else might have? For example, the woman down the road needs to have some drywall replaced. She doesn't know how to install drywall, but she's an awesome chef. Maybe someone could install drywall in exchange for an awesome meal? It'd be a good way to get to know someone without the stigma of dating.

While I was writing that, I got an eHarmony notification on my cell phone. Some woman sent me a smiley face. She looks a lot like me (I'm not kidding). That's just weird. And she's half my age (for real). This can't be good...
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 11/07/17 02:43 AM
Lol - doodler - any surprise offspring out there? Could she be your daughter? Hahaha

(I did know a man who was contacted by a surprise son. A college girlfriend had had a son he never knew anything about. My friend had moved from New England to Southern California after college and became an avid recreational surfer. His son had moved from the East Coast to Hawaii as an adult and had become an avid surfer too! They looked almost identical too. What are the odds?)
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/07/17 03:02 AM
Originally Posted By: kml
Lol - doodler - any surprise offspring out there? Could she be your daughter? Hahaha

(I did know a man who was contacted by a surprise son. A college girlfriend had had a son he never knew anything about. My friend had moved from New England to Southern California after college and became an avid recreational surfer. His son had moved from the East Coast to Hawaii as an adult and had become an avid surfer too! They looked almost identical too. What are the odds?)


kml,

I hadn't thought about that! That would be the yuckiest thing to ever happen wouldn't it? Unknowingly date your own daughter. {doodler screaming in terror}

But, I'm 99.9% sure I don't have a long lost daughter. Regardless, I'll steer clear of this one. smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/08/17 03:24 AM
Hi everyone. Thanks for all your replies.

Yes, I have concluded POF [censored] big time. it's really just tinder. No one reads profiles at all, it's all about what is in the picture and if they like what they see. I however, check the profile if I am interested to make sure we aren't seeking completely different things.

As for my profile. I do keep it real. I let them know I am a single mom who is a professional and generally has her sh!t together. I admit sometimes I am stubbornly independent sometimes, and other times I want someone to say they are going to get stuff handled for me and actually go though with it. I say I am old fashioned and even though the days of courting and dating seem to be extinct, it is still how I roll.

I actually thought my profile was really good, but no one reads it. I am on match and I get pretty much no hits there. I am not very active on it, but yesterday a 60 year old messaged me! Eharmony is where I found perverted plumber guy.Been on OK cupid, but I don't even know if I ever got a date from that one.

Dawn, it is not you at all. People just seriously sUck. I was thinking the other day how I wish we could hang out, I think we would have the best time!

Fogg, left her H a month prior with a 6 month old on a dating site?! She is looking for a baby daddy. I am glad you ran from the red flags.

This simply may just not be meant to be. I tried the home depot thing and the guy I was attracted to happened to be my hot engaged coworker, haha!

Men generally don't talk to me at bars. I am usually with a tight knit group most wouldn't approach. And I don't go out to bars that often. When I did join an activity, 2 out of the 3 single men wanted to date me, which I guess means I can meet them organically. Of course, one of the guys cheated on his wife with a 17 year old, but still.

My life really is just not conducive to meeting anyone. D10 went to bed last night, I tried ot read, but I couldn't focus, so I took some pills and went to bed! Sitting around alone with no one to talk to makes me nuts.

Honestly, before a boyfriend I would like to really change jobs. To come to work everyday, do the same repetitive job, barely speak to anyone, for 8 hours a day is going very badly for me. I cannot focus at work, I am getting nothing done because I hate what I do and I feel extremely undervalues. Plus, my manager only acknowledges the abilities of two people here and gives them different work.

I miss the me I know I am. The one who is a good nurse, makes people feel good, laughs, is very social, is lots of fun, active, intelligent, thoughtful.

I have no outlet for who I am anymore.
Posted By: J5K Re: I may be here forever - 11/08/17 09:04 PM
Hi Ginger,

Been a while since I have been on...I am sorry to hear that the online dating isn't successful. Keep your chin up...there is a lot of noise that needs to be cancelled out in the online dating world.

It is like a force field of protection for all of us...swipe left, swipe right, no interaction and somehow that makes us feel good (hoping the hot girl or guy will also swipe right) or feel bad (never getting a match from the ones you like).

Social media has taken the term "friends" and lowered it to a level of minimal interaction.

When you go out with your friends break away from the pack. Isn't that how people used to meet?
Posted By: Zues126 Re: I may be here forever - 11/10/17 10:27 AM
G, I'm a bit under the weather and struggling to put sentences together. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

The "I miss the me I know" thing speaks to me. After BD the person I knew I was got lost. This will sound rather expansive or conceited but I don't care, I'll just tell it how it feels to me. All my life I felt like I just had to imagine what I wanted and BOOM, it would come together. It was like a superpower. Everything just seemed so clear and easy, I figured out what I wanted, used that to steer my decisions, and things just fell into place. I had a ton of energy, and whether it was becoming the best pool player in my home state, the number one sales person in my division, or moving up the corporate ladder I felt like a hot knife through butter. I saw other people struggle with things and while I empathized I didn't get why they didn't just abra-cadabra things into existence.

After BD this all went away. Pool, lol, who had time for pool. Work? Work got tough and I struggled to be middle of the pack. I was exhausted trying to keep up with double the work load I had before while dealing with the biggest loss of my life that left me crippled. The endless energy went away, I stopped working out, it was all I could do to make it through the day. I lost my super powers. If you've seen "Superman II" with Christopher Reeves he lost his powers and started getting his a$$ kicked around town by civilians. That was me.

I tried to be forgiving of myself, but it wasn't that I didn't get it. I understood why I was this way. It just stunk to go through. I didn't feel like my best self.

Then about a year ago I looked back on what I'd survived. After the D was final I thought about my last two years. I remembered that I had made up my mind to stand by my marriage the best I could, be the sane parent for my kids and step up as a father, fight to the end for 50% custody, support my XW through the crisis financially without being reactive or punitive, then reach a fair settlement that would be generous without being a doormat, and rebuild my personal life with strong boundaries so I could move forward regardless of her choices. I realized I had done all of that. During the crisis I had come up with a list of the biggest priorities in my life, and I had knocked every one out of the park. I hadn't lost my super powers, I had just been using them on different priorities that frankly were even more important.

Now that is one of my biggest wins in my life. The pool, the job, it's all a joke. I get to live with my kids, and I am still standing. I am proud of that.

Today things are coming around, clearly I've navigated through the worst and thanks to some good breaks I have the disposable resources to start playing pool again more seriously. I'm starting to lose some weight again. I've got the energy left to start striving in other areas of my life. Namely, I get to pick my goals to reach for again instead of being assigned them by life. But I have always been who I am, and I am very proud of how I navigated through that dark period.

I'm really sorry your dark period has been so long. I have had a lot of help from my family with my mother living with me to help with the kids. You haven't been so fortunate. And you have been divorced for years longer. So you've been fighting the battle longer with less support. Honestly G I know how strong I am and I know how hard it has been for me, so to see you fight a tougher battle longer just makes me take my hat off and have a moment of silence. Yes, you have had a really big cross to bear. I am sorry. It's one of those things you wouldn't think anyone was capable of but somehow when there is no alternative you just keep going and look back and see you survived. You are surviving, and I hope you know how incredible that is.

It does stink that the cavalry hasn't shown up yet. You are overdue for some breaks. And there's no easy answer to just make things better. You have responsibilities to your daughter and because she comes first that means you will have to work hard and spend all the energy you can keeping your job and keeping a roof over her head.

I guess my points are that you are still you, you're just the you in an overextended situation brought on by poor choices by your XH and a disappointing lack of support by your family. One person wasn't meant to face what you're up against. And that while it's exhausting to go through, we're all super proud that you're finding a way to get it done.

I'd like to see the DB community organize some type of support. I know there are newcomers I'd like to see get a DB coach that can't afford it, and while things aren't exactly easy in my life I wish we could all take turns watching your daughter for you or doing something that would give you a break and refresh you a bit.

Until then keep being appreciative for what you do have, keep posting, and have a good weekend in the space between it all.
Posted By: Georgiabelle Re: I may be here forever - 11/11/17 02:13 PM
Hang in there, G. Hopefully something happens on the jobfront soon. And in regards to online dating, pretty sure flakiness or rudeness is not a geographical issue😜
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/13/17 05:33 AM
Wow, Zues,

I have no words. I actually read this a few time since Friday and I have had tears though! Good tears. What you wrote really hit home for me. I felt like you truly do understand what's going on with me. I hate being such doom and gloom, but when you fight and fight and there it is just out of your power things begin to look hopeless.

You idea for support is really touching. I have actually had Db'ers that weren't plane rides away offer to help to give me a reprieve, but I they still aren't close and I don't want anyone going to far out of the way. It really is a beautiful idea. I think we all have something to offer somebody even if it's something different.

On Thursday my daughter sent me a text that woke me up a bit. She sent me her usual after school text asking what was for dinner, then she sends me "how did I get so lucky?" I sent a "?" she said " You are a great mom".

I was having an awful day emotionally, everyone at work saw it written all over my face and kept asking me if I was OK. Then that happened, and I 1) cried, 2) realized how lucky I am. If she is my only reason for being on this earth, well, then I keep going. Because she is an amazing kid. If I am only meant to be her mother in this world, than that is enough for me. I posted this on FB. I had a few people reach out who didn't know I was having a rough time and I was amazed how they showed their concern and wanted to be there for me.

We are all fighters here. Even when we feel like we aren't "winning", we certainly are fighters. I get absolutely exhausted and more days than I can ever remember, I have wanted to throw in the towel. Each day might be really hard, I may cry everyday, but I feel the joy of being my daughter's mom everyday, and that is worth fighting for.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/13/17 05:44 AM
And a side note.....FF texted me last night. First time I heard a peep from him in 6 months. His text? "whatssup". WTF?! I didn't know what to do, but I knew for sure that I wasn't going to answer it last night, if I was. Pure curiosity got the best of me and today I texted "Wastsup? was that text meant for me?" NO reply.

He either texted me by accident, which I doubt because at this point, he would have to just type in my name to send one, or, he drunk texted me. I realize it doesn't really matter. I wouldn't lie if this is another thing now occupying mind space that I really don't need, but I am not as affected as I thought I would be.

This Friday my friends are taking me out to celebrate the completion of my degree. I thought that was really sweet and I am looking forward to it. I have D10, but I decided to get the babysitter, if I can't, exh will take her if I pick her up in the AM. But my daughter would rather have a sitter!

Oh, we were playing Uno dare last night and one of the dare's were that she had to do an impression of mom and dad. She got carried away, and did a bunch. She nailed mine, when I can't find my keys in the morning. She kept going with dad's where she did an impression of his never getting off his phone because he is playing his game. Or that his back hurts so he can't do anything with her (he plays volleyball weekly and lifts weights, BTW) And how he is never in the mood to do anything with her.

Then she goes in OWW. According to D10, she has been yelling at her, then dad yells at OWW. She said she gets frustrated easily, talks all the time in some weird baby voice, and it's so annoying, and she refuses to get of the couch to get anything for herself.

I don't know what the heck is going on there. I hope OWW isn't being mean to my child. I understand it's their house and she will have to discipline her, but if she steps over the line, she will have to deal with me. But really, it sounds like a weird place to be.

Yes, my daughter needs me here, big time.
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 11/13/17 03:33 PM
FF probably texted by accident. He BETTER have texted you by accident or I'll come over and beat him up!

(Btw, my ex bf is Mark and my love-avoidant friend that I dated before him is Marcus - I have to be very careful texting. )

Well if ever you thought ex and OW had some great relationship that you missed out on - this confirms that nope, karma is giving them exactly what they deserve.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/14/17 01:29 AM
Ellie,

I believe you are right, he texted me by accident. he never responded to my text. I do think he was drunk or something, it wasn't a total mistext, but either way, it doesn't matter. It was not something him or the universe needed to do to me right now, given what I have been going through. When that text came through, I was watching one of my Gray's Anatomy type shows and it was an episode where at the end the moral was if love was meant to be, it finds you and nothing will stop it. I was in awful tears (yes, this is a daily thing for me, unfortunately) and that text came through. I just didn't need it.

Funny you mention the name Ellie. FF's name is Lou. I have dated two other Lou's and they are the only name I have ever repeated. And there is one online guy I am talking to now, his name is Mark. Should I steer clear?! HAHA! I feel bad, he seems like a nice stand up guy. He lives in the town over from me which is an affluent town in the area, is in his early 40's, has been very respectful, and really wants to talk to me on the phone an dmeet me. Last week hi was in Cali for business and sadly enough I can only have a private convo when my daughter is asleep so I said he can call after 9pm. Didn't work last week because of the time difference. Sunday he said he got home late, and last night it never happened. I did apologize for the limitation on the phone call being after 9pm, but it is just how my life goes.

Yeah, my ex and his wife are weirdos. Perhaps their weirdness is made for each other. She seems to be the opposite of everything he ever wanted. he was always trying to mold me into something, but definitely not THAT. Whatevs. As long as my daughter is ok over there. She still of course wants to see her dad, but I see things changing. She turned down an extra night with him because she didn't feel like going back and forth. This Friday night I am going out and I told her I was getting a babysitter, but I used exH as a back-up plan. I gave her the option of her dad or babysitter and she chose babysitter (more money for me, lol). She actually told the babysitter she wants her to come and she just doesn't feel like going back and forth.

I do think in a few years she will want to sleep at my house full time. She will visit her dad, but I think she is going to want to stay with me, in one bedroom with all her stuff, friends, and consistency. Which if course will be fine. Sadly, her dad will probably be happy.

Today I have to see the doctor for refills on my medication. I think I am going ot up my AD's to get me through the holidays. I really don't want to, but I am tired of crying and I don't have my usual coping mechanisms. We will see.

One more thing, Ellie,

I began the ketogenic diet for weight loss. Then I began reading all the other benefits and I am even more excited now. I have been having joint pain, hip pain, hands, feet, everything and I am supposedly a young woman. I seriously thought I had RA there for a while, but I wanted to naturally manage my symptoms. They say this diet really helps with that and inflammation. I know you have extensive knowledge in dietary changes to manage illness. What do you think about this one?
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/14/17 02:55 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I began the ketogenic diet for weight loss.


Does that mean no more hummus for you? I'd go into withdrawals. Just the thought of being hummus free has sent me into a downward spiral.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/15/17 03:43 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I began the ketogenic diet for weight loss.


Does that mean no more hummus for you? I'd go into withdrawals. Just the thought of being hummus free has sent me into a downward spiral.



I can live with the no hummus. The sugar free is rough. I am a chocolate addict
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/15/17 04:03 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
The sugar free is rough. I am a chocolate addict.


I used to eat the 70% cacao stuff. It's a little on the bitter side, but that actually seems to add to the experience. I could eat a small amount and it would ensconce me with the love and warmth that only chocolate can provide. Like wrapping yourself in a freshly washed warm blanket that just came out of the drier. Now I've done it...I think I'll be getting some on the way home today.
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 11/15/17 05:01 AM
Joint pain is often related to gut issues.In fact, people with Crohn's disease can get terrible arthritis associated with their gut flares. People with celiac disease or gluten sensitivity can get joint pains when they eat gluten. So if you keep your ketogenic diet gluten-free by watching your condiments, it may well help your joints.

Ketogenic may not be the healthiest for long term - there are some nutritional issues but they can be handled, we use ketogenic diets in kids with intractable epilepsy. Transitioning to a Paleo-type diet once you've started losing weight may be healthier (we do need some of those fruits and vegetables). However, a ketogenic diet is helpful in cancer patients because keeping sugars low starves cancer cells. And it may be helpful in inducing fat burning (basically the Atkins diet was a couple of weeks of a ketogenic diet then carefully adding back a few carbs from fruits and vegetables.)
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 01:01 AM
Originally Posted By: kml
Joint pain is often related to gut issues.In fact, people with Crohn's disease can get terrible arthritis associated with their gut flares. People with celiac disease or gluten sensitivity can get joint pains when they eat gluten. So if you keep your ketogenic diet gluten-free by watching your condiments, it may well help your joints.

Ketogenic may not be the healthiest for long term - there are some nutritional issues but they can be handled, we use ketogenic diets in kids with intractable epilepsy. Transitioning to a Paleo-type diet once you've started losing weight may be healthier (we do need some of those fruits and vegetables). However, a ketogenic diet is helpful in cancer patients because keeping sugars low starves cancer cells. And it may be helpful in inducing fat burning (basically the Atkins diet was a couple of weeks of a ketogenic diet then carefully adding back a few carbs from fruits and vegetables.)



Thank you! I have actually lost in the first week and now I gained. I upped my fat when I began tracking and I weight more now than ever! Argghhh! I feel less bloated though, it is so weird. My cousin has done well on paleo, perhaps that's more the lifestyle for me. Even though I haven't lost weight, I kicked my sugar habit. That's HUGE for me. I was really successful on atkins, but that was when I was 24 years old. Metabolism is at a sluggish rate right now. I am seriously frustrated as I was in such great shape this time of year last year. But I'll cut myself some slack and keep on trying.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 01:45 AM
Ok, Sooooo.....

Let me tell you a little about what I am going through with online dating.

We know what happened to the first guy. Decided to give another guy a chance. We had a hard time connecting on a phone call, but he texted me everyday trying tomake it work and we set up for lunch next Friday. I thought he was normal, then some very subtle sexual innuedos began. I didn't respond to one. Hadn't heard since.

Now this current guy. Sent me a decent message. Not my normal type physically, but pretty cute. We exchanged numbers and I am realizing how he might be a little nuts. He put in his profile as his job "Internet sales/artist" Ummmm, it turns out he doesn't have a real job. He selling stuff from his mother's home on Ebay (artwork and the such, his mom was an artist)to make room for his own studio. He has been separated for a year, his STBX lives in GA. He has his 3 and a half year old son right now for 3 weeks. otherwise he lives with him mom. He texts me ALL DAY LONG. Mostly about himself. I have an actual job, so I can't be texting all day.

He asked me what my stance on weed was. I told him I am fine with it, which I am. I think it is a great drug when used properly. My family smokes on the daily and are very functioning members of society. I told him I have no problem with it, but I am not cool with someone who is high from morning to night. He told me he has a script for it. Then last night I told him I took a sleeping pill so I might fall asleep (I wanted the texting to end)He goes on to tell me no pills work for him so he takes Seroquel and used to take Depakote, and also takes valium.... I was like "woah"! Um, those are anti-psychotics. All my homecare sundowning patietns I used to get Seroquel ordered because it helped the hallucinations.

Now I have this stage 5 jobless crazy clinger. And one of my big faults is I don't know how to let people down because I am so scared of hurting them. But I cannot do this. My luck with this online dating [censored] and I really think over the years I have put my due diligence into this and I deserve an online dating break and have a nice normal guy! Not a priest, not a perv, not a cheap as heck rich guy, not an exW hater, not a jobless psycho...

AHHHHHHH! I am so frustrated with just about everything in my life right now! The universe needs to throw me a freakin' bone!

Then I have to go to the doctor to get my meds refilled. My doc who I love didn't have any appts so I had to see the PA and I do not like her. She gives me crap and is condescending. yes, I take Xanax to sleep. No, no other sleeping pills work for me. Yes, I am aware that I am at increased risk for dementia. Yes, I have tried Bellsorma but it is not covered under my insurance. Then I ask if she could increase my AD's. She asked me what I take them for. I just stare at her. She stares back. DEPRESSION. I tell her in a very deadpan way. "well... sometimes people take them for anxiety." I said "you just asked me if I take the Xanax for anxiety and I said no!" (I didn't say that, my look and tone of voice sure did). Then she asked me why I think I need an increase. I looked at her and said "because I am more depressed, I have had a rough year, the holidays aren't good for me, and due to my surgery, my usual coping mechanism of exercise is out". I figured this was enough. Nope, she wanted to know everyone of my symptoms. I swear, I almost smacked her.

Going through my divorce I was never actually depressed. It only came on in the last two years when I realized the things I had hope for after my divorce wasn't happening. When I lost hope. With every attempt at yet another failed relationship. I never wanted to be on AD's and I always coped very well with all the crap that has been thrown at me. I am just at the point I can't handle it all on my own anymore.

There is my huge vent.

Positive note, yesterday in PT I did jogging high knees. I haven't lifted my feet off the ground like that since the jump that caused my injury. I had 121 degrees flexion. My PT saw I was down with my progress and she pushed me yesterday. I am glad she did. I felt a little accomplished. I am getting them a really nice gift when I leave. The other night, I was on the bike, and 2 therapists and the assistant were doing state capitals with D10. They treat her so good. My PT asked me last night if I like OWW. I explained what happened and I said I'll never excuse what she did, but as long as she is treated good, it's all I need.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 04:42 AM
Sheesh Ginger. If you keep going down the evolutionary ladder on online dating you'll end up viewing either my or doodler's profiles.

If you see one about a boring guy who wears bow ties or one that is rapturous about Venetian plaster - run don't walk the other way!

Have you ever tried one of those burner phone apps? They are aimed at people who need a disposable number. Drug dealers, people selling artwork out of their mother's basement and people doing online dating.

Oh and we wouldn't be compatible anyway since S23 keeps eating all the hummus laugh
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 05:21 AM
AndrewP,

You made me laugh so hard that I farted; sitting right here in the office. Someone threatened to set-off the fire alarm. In fact, I think I might have to go home and have my mom change my clothes.

I do want to clarify a few things. First, I'm so far down the evolutionary ladder that there aren't any more rungs on the ladder to go down. I'm the primordial slime. In other words, keep the soap and sanitizer handy.

Second, I only wear bow ties when I'm not dressed-up like Lady Gaga (my mom dresses me). So, I very rarely wear bow ties.

Third, Venetian plaster is rapturous; I see Jesus every time apply Venetian plaster. Unfortunately, he tries to ignore me and I hate that. (By the way, do you know the difference between doodler and God? God doesn't think he's doodler.)

Admittedly, I am any woman's dating nightmare. Toothless trailer women run from me. But, that's not the worst of it. The worst part is that I'm actually proud of it, which takes us back to the primordial slime. I'm holding on to the hope that one day some kind woman will allow me to stick my tongue in her mouth. I the meantime, I've got to take care of these squishy pants. I'll call mom and let her know I'm on the way home.
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 07:18 AM
Rule number one of online dating - do not give your phone number to a guy until after you've had a coffee date and checked him out. Communicate in writing until then. Or use a fake phone number app.

Just tell him you're not interested then block his number.

Maybe enlist a girlfriend to read their profile essays and give you a second opinion before you contact them - an objective eye might pick up more red flags than you do.

And just expect a dozen frogs for every real prospect - that's kinda how it goes.

(You might consider a screening questionnaire too :
Are you married?
Are you or have you ever been a Catholic priest?
What prescription medications do you take?
What street drugs do you use?
Have you ever been in prison?
Have you ever been in a psychiatric hospital?
Lol - you get the idea!)
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 07:20 AM
In fact - how about posting that last guy's profile essay on here? Perhaps we can point out the red flags.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 07:28 AM
"First, let me start by saying that my body type is not a choice, They need to add "dad-bod" as an option for guys. And now....

Family is very important to me. I am an only child and grew up very close to my parents. I have a little boy who means the world to me. he lives with his mom in GA and I miss him every day he isn't with me. The first thing I am looking for is someone to be my friend. Someone twho understands me. Someone with compassion, morals, loyalty, an dall the other traits that are required for friendship."

He then gets into his food and music likes and mentions he is a certified ski instructor and he enjoys the outdoors.

Under his occupation he puts "Internet sales/artist"

Aside from the fact he is separated, which I do give a chance because someone people I know is just a matter of paper and technicality and could have been years, this was a seemingly normal profile.

I was certainly deceived. it was my bad to give phone number.

I have gotten more than a dozen frogs in my time. I just don't have the energy for this. And those questions make me sooooo sad I even have to approach it!

Doodler and AP, thank you. You guys would be the most normal ones I would encounter. Now, how nuts is that?!
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 08:34 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Doodler and AP, thank you. You guys would be the most normal ones I would encounter. Now, how nuts is that?!


I'm speechless.

I do have to give AP kudos, he's Canadian. Canadians get 100 extra points.
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 10:16 AM
Agreed, it's a deceptively normal profile. In retrospect, there are some clues - but I'm not sure how you would have seen them initially:
Quote:
Family is very important to me. I am an only child and grew up very close to my parents.


Well, now we know he meant - VERY close.

Quote:
I have a little boy who means the world to me. he lives with his mom in GA and I miss him every day he isn't with me.


But - not enough to move to Georgia so that you can see him on a regular basis. I know it is not always possible for dads to move to where their ex lives (my brother's witch-like ex told him she would move out of her state if he moved there to see his kids). Still that's a question I would ask before meeting. ESPECIALLY if his work is on the internet, there would be no obstacle to moving. (Except, of course, that he's selling his mother's stuff lol).

Quote:
Internet sales/ artist

Red flag there. I would have probably asked him about that right off the bat - which would have given you enough info to eliminate him promptly I think.

Still, not too obviously weird a profile. How about his photos? Did he have selfies in the bathroom mirror? (Automatic no). Photos with his ex cut out of them? Photos with other women?
Posted By: Fogg Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 01:30 PM
Ginger, don't feel like you're hurting them because you aren't interested. Rejection is expected in dating and there's nothing wrong with it. Politefully say you arent interested and be done with it. If they can't accept it and harass you block the number.

I'm decently insecure about this stuff and continuing to chat with a girl when she's not interested at all would bother me so much more than her being upfront about how she feels when she knows it. You aren't doing him any favors by "protecting him" from something that will never happen.
Posted By: Georgiabelle Re: I may be here forever - 11/17/17 02:50 PM
G,

I probably know this guy’s ex in GA. I attract crazy like magnet😜
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/18/17 02:08 PM
I try to be open minded to a limit instead of seeing everything as a red flag. The job thing worried me a bit, yes. I found out yesterday why his son lives in GA. Apparently his STBX moved down there with some guy she met online. And she took him. That threw up a red flag. I said something along the lines of "I would say, woman, you can go, but the child stays" He said "it wouldn't have worked".

None of that matters because Fogg is right. I didn't want to hurt him, but I also wanted to avoid the reality because it is difficult for ME to do it, which isn't fair. So I told him told him today very nicely and he thanked me for being honest and not just disappearing. And that was that and I am glad I did it.

I went out with my friends last night. It was just what I needed. My one friend and I took an uber from my house which was the most hilarious experience ever. We thought we were on punk'd with this driver. He was crazy. But we were laughing our arses off.

The place we went to was so much fun and the drinks were strong. They had a live band and we even danced. Found out my friend (who is 36 and single and I have never known her to be otherwise) is dating a guy from POF! They have a 4th sate plan and he is taking her to an NFL game. He has gotten her flowers and offered to drive her to the airport. (she lived in FL now). She is Filipino and so is he. She showed us a picture and he is really good looking. So we planned her bachelorette party and her wedding, haha! I hope this works out for her, she wants a family.

Then........ at the end of the night we were at the bar and I was a bit drunk and there were two guys next to us eating French fries. I say out loud "oooooh, I want French fries!" They gave me one! Well, we began talking to them and one really began talking to me. a good looking tall guy who happens to be divorced with a 5 year old daughter. I couldn't believe it, he asked for my number! I gave it to him and our Uber came to take us home (this bar actually pays for your uber ride so you don't drive drunk. How awesome is that?)he hugged me goodbye.

I figured he would never use it, but it felt good to know I still got it, haha. I needed a boost in the self esteem. Well, he did actually text today. We had a short text exchange which was nice he said he just got him with his daughter and was going to make dinner. I haven't heard from him since. When I am actually interested in someone I get so nervous that I am saying something wrong and I am scaring them away. I have the urge to text "how was dinner" but I think I am going to pull back and if he is interested, let him pursue me. ANd if he decided no for whatever reason, I won't get too disappointed and just feel good that I aleast managed to get a number. I am much better at this in person than the online dating thing. I really only know how to engage if it happens organically. I really stink at dating as it is.

hey, let's just hope he messages me back and maybe asks me out. If not, oh well.

Georgiabelle, haha, I also attract crazy like magnet. Or really, there is just too much crazy out there.
Posted By: JujuB Re: I may be here forever - 11/18/17 02:48 PM
Hi Ginger,

Glad that you got out and had some fun and met a possibly great single dad!

I do not have much dating experience at all. But I am over analytical and a bit neurotic so I will chime in. I read that guy as a big red flag:

1. I would live in a card board box to be near my child. No excuse for living away from your child.

2. The dad bod comment was put in there because there was some recent silly internet article posted about how more women prefer the "dad bod" over those gym rat types of guys. So hes trying too hard to come across as modest and like an involved dad. The dad bod is for a guy that is too busy taking care of his kids to become an obsessive body lifter. But that's not even this guys case.

3. He writes about what he is looking for, not what he has to offer some one.

For me, I was so nervous about meeting the type of guy that did to his ex wife what my ex husband did to me. I figured my ex is out there telling other women about how things just did not work out, and talking about how much he loves his son. It would be so hard for anyone to find out the truth.

I was really cautious about who I responded to. The main reason I wrote to the guy that I did was because he said that he lived with his child. And I figured that any guy that lived with his kids probably had an ex wife that was the one to leave. I was right. He also posted that he was not afraid of LTR or marriage and that appealed to me as well. As it turns out, his beliefs on commitment and marriage could have been written by Zues. So I feel comfortable and am not sure I would be as comfortable with someone that did not feel those ways. He also wrote that he does not feel like you can really get to know someone while dating multiple people at once, and he closed his profile up after several dates with me.

I am not sure how things will go for me, only saying that sometimes you can get a lot out of a profile. I do recognize that with my mindset there could have been really great guys that I overlooked because they did not write a good profile and that maybe it is unhealthy to go for some one because they feel safe.
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 11/18/17 04:25 PM
Hey, the guy took your number and texted you the next day - he's interested! Do NOT jump the gun and text him about dinner - let him make the moves. He's busy with his daughter and giving his attention to HER, that's a good thing. Practice patience.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/19/17 03:54 AM
Juju,
I used to hugely overanalyze profiles and I figured I might be missing out on someone great because I really didn't get to know them or their story and I wonder if many do that to me too. But I guess this went the right way. I gave a chance, found out things that didn't work for me, and I ended it before we even met. The profiles are godawful around here, and no one would make it if I didn't give a chance. ANd maybe it is better that way. I am glad you have had a good first experience so far. He sounds great and you guys seem really compatible.

Bar guy did end of texting. he said he put his daughter to bed and fell asleep next to her. We chatted a little and he is quite the dedicated loving father. He said his custody schedule is every 3 days because he couldn't handle the thought of not seeing her for 5 days in a row. Awwww! ANyways, he said he was tired and he was going to bed early for a change. I simply said goodnight.

I worry so much about making a mistake in the beginning. I work myself up. I am totally going to let him make the moves. I saw a psychic a few months back who said I am going to find someone in November. She said I had to do it different this time and not do all the work and let them put the effort forth. That will be the game changer for this one.

We shall see. Not getting my hopes up, just going with the flow. I know for the future my pick up line will involve French fries.
Posted By: Sotto Re: I may be here forever - 11/19/17 04:00 AM
Hi Ginger, I would definitely try not to overthink it and don't give it much headspace - either it will move forward or it won't - but stay in your groove either way.

Slow is good IMHO - spend a little time getting to know someone and they you - without investing too much.

Relax and enjoy yourself and have fun!

Xx
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/20/17 02:29 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I saw a psychic a few months back who said I am going to find someone in November.


I had to reach back into my repertoire of chick-flicks and I found "Sweet November." You're supposed to hook-up with a stressed-out business dude that just broke-up with his girlfriend.

I consulted the Magic 8-Ball on your behalf and it responded with, "Concentrate and ask again." I hate that f*cking Magic 8-Ball.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: I may be here forever - 11/20/17 03:09 AM
Oh Ginger! Sometimes I swear we are twins (except I get the feeling you are far thinner and prettier than me, but I digress). I SO know what you mean with this online dating thing. I, too, feel like I have more than paid my dues and yet I continue to find frogs, frogs and more frogs. Not one decent guy in the lot. At this point, I think I'm holding out to find doodler on one of these sites, because at least I know he's actually divorced and employed (or so he says on here anyway....;) ). LOL

I feel your "pain" lady, honestly I do. I hope the bar guy works out for you. I just keep telling myself that what is meant to be will find its way. I hope that for you, too, sweet lady. There is a fantastic dude out there who is going to find you at the right time. Try to hang in there until he does.
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/20/17 03:38 AM
Originally Posted By: Dawn70
...I know he's actually divorced and employed (or so he says on here anyway....;) ).


I'm very much employed. I work as a Walmart greeter during the week and I'm a sign spinner for Firehouse subs on the weekend. In addition, I plan to open my own Magic 8-Ball boutique. (I'm looking for investors; it's a wonderful opportunity.)
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: I may be here forever - 11/20/17 04:33 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: Dawn70
...I know he's actually divorced and employed (or so he says on here anyway....;) ).


I'm very much employed. I work as a Walmart greeter during the week and I'm a sign spinner for Firehouse subs on the weekend. In addition, I plan to open my own Magic 8-Ball boutique. (I'm looking for investors; it's a wonderful opportunity.)



A job is a job, doodler and you have 2 so that's good on you. And, I think the Magic 8 ball boutique sounds like a fabulous opportunity. Let me make some calls about cashing in my stock portfolio and I'll get back to you. wink
Posted By: doodler Re: I may be here forever - 11/20/17 05:14 AM
Originally Posted By: Dawn70
And, I think the Magic 8 ball boutique sounds like a fabulous opportunity. Let me make some calls about cashing in my stock portfolio and I'll get back to you. wink


Dawn,

I consulted the Magic 8-Ball and it said, "RIGHT ON BABEEEE!!!"
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/20/17 05:46 AM
Sotto, thank you for your valuable advice. I so want to be "whatever" about all of this, but this is pretty much the first time I have gotten excited about something in a very long time. I am keep my expectations at nil and if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't, but I am not doing very good at that take, but I am trying! But yes, I really want a nice natural easy pace this time. I am in no rush here.

We were texting last night for a while and the convo was really good. Then out of no where no response at all. I left it alone. He was at a bar, and was drinking and I confess, this morning, I asked if he got home safe. he said he did. Then he eventually asked me what my schedule looked like for this week. I thought finally he was going to ask me out when I told him. His reply? "Oh, that's nice". WTF?! Even when we were talking last night and he mentioned a new resturaunt he had lunch at by me that day and I said I would have to try it, and he said "I'd love to join you" Then doesn't ask me! I asked him what his schedule looked like this week and I said I said some niceties and that was that and I haven't heard from him for like 2 hours.

Look, I get it, neither of us should be acting eager. But I hate games. Dude, do you want to take me out, or no? I know FF was too much too fast, but I appreciated the fact he never left me guessing or wondering.

Oh Dawn, I think we have both more than paid our dues and shouldn't have to go through these games anymore. I am a believer in what is meant to be will find me. That's why I am really really trying to just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. If it's meant ot be, it will be.

For a second, I thought maybe this was the universe saying "here you go, Ginger, I know you have been waiting" but I know I can't think that way,

But ughhhh. I wish he would just ask me out or not. I seriously think he is trying to play it all cool, and then I am trying to play it all cool and this is what's happening.
Posted By: Sotto Re: I may be here forever - 11/20/17 07:42 AM
Patience... smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/21/17 03:04 AM
Ohhh, I am trying Sotto! We did tect for a little while yesterday, then around 4:30 he left me hanging and NOTHING. Like he just kind of disappears without a "talk to you later" So I left it alone. This morning I got an apology text saying that he didn't want me to think he blew me off but he was driving a distance to have diner with a old high school friend and got home late. We have been texting all morning.

Still trying to remain patient waiting for him to ask me out!
Posted By: JujuB Re: I may be here forever - 11/21/17 05:10 AM
Texting is weird that way. I am not sure the etiquette either. There are times i am actually texting at work and then a patient comes in and when soneone responds it can take a while to get back.

There was no texting back in the day, so using it to get to know soneone seems to have its advantages and disadvantges.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: I may be here forever - 11/21/17 05:44 AM
I agree with JujuB. Texting is weird that way. I try really hard not to be that way and to always actually end a conversation but I have noticed I am the ONLY person I text with regularly who does that. My best friend, my mom, my siblings, my daughters....no one ends a convo with a goodbye or talk to you later or anything. They just stop talking when they are done. It feels kind of rude to me. Like if you are talking to someone in person, you don't just turn around and walk away after you have said what you were going to say....or at least I don't. And, most people I know don't, so I am not sure what the difference is with texting. I guess the more impersonal nature of it.

I know I keep saying this but the more of your stuff I read, the more convinced I am that we are EXTREMELY similar because I know EXACTLY how you feel in communications with bar guy right now. Been there, done that, got the battle scars to prove it. I can tell you all day long to try not to worry about it or read to much into it when he just stops texting, but I know how I feel when folks do that to me and I would still analyze it to death. So, I'll just say, I'm with you in spirit, my friend. Hang on.............................good things are coming your way!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/21/17 08:53 AM
So, small confession. I was pretty drunk Friday. Although he thought I was totally sober. I for some reason do not have a clear memory of his face. I managed to find him online. Ummmm, he is really hot and now I am intimidated.

We were talking earlier and I asked him how long he was divorced for. he told me 3.5 years. he said he honestly thought he would be settled down again by now. I disclosed that it's been 9 years for me and then I heard nothing for a while. I joked around and said "did the 9 years still not settled down thing worry you?" He did respond honestly and in kind. He said he wondered about that a little, but it wasn't the reason he didn't respond, he was just busy.

I have never thought much of what guys must think about why it's been 9 years and I am still single. I think it throws up flags.

Just another thing to overcome.

But yeah, he's like really good-looking. Lord help me.
Posted By: JujuB Re: I may be here forever - 11/21/17 10:21 AM
9 years single does not throw up any red flags. You were focused on being the best mom to your child while working and going to school. Your daughter is older now. It shows me that you have your priorities straight, and do not need someone only want someone.

Dont worry at all about what guys think ginger. You are a great catch and he would be lucky if you end up liking him.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/22/17 05:40 AM
Thank you Juju, for the compliment and bringing me back down to earth. I haven't felt this insecure and excited in a long time.

We texted a lot last night. And this morning. He sent me a pic of him because we were joking around and he said "you probably don't remember what I look like" I saw that pic and I was kind of disbelief. So far he is almost too good to be true. I am very much waiting for the other shoe to drop. We like the same things, have the same sense of humor and just click when we talk.

So we chose a place for a date. Now we just need a day. I am excited. He told me he hasn't laughed this much in a long time and it feels good. I said the same.

My anxiety is up, maybe it's excitement. I am truly trying to bring myself back down to earth.

But I seriously can't wait to see him.
Posted By: job Re: I may be here forever - 11/22/17 06:29 AM
Ginger,

I wouldn't worry about how long it's been since the divorce and being single. You've had a lot of balls to juggle, i.e., work, school, daughter to raise, moving and living your life. Not everyone can jump into another relationship that quickly, especially when they are living a very busy life. You have a lot to be proud of and can show others of what you've done w/your life since the divorce.

Enjoy the date. Be yourself and one thing...remember to laugh and just have a good time.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.
Posted By: kml Re: I may be here forever - 11/22/17 02:12 PM
Nice! He sounds like a potentially good guy. Just don't get ahead of yourself. Keep your Sherlock Holmes cap on. But enjoy your date!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/24/17 01:53 AM
Job,

I know intellectually you are right. I have honestly never felt as insecure as I do right now. I think a part of it is fear. I think when you go for so long without you feel like something good can't be true. I have got to shake that if I really want something to work out.

KML, He really does seem to be a potentially good guy. Almost everything I asked Santa for, haha! Such a difference between him an FF. FF really did come on too strong. Barguy is communicating on a level that is just the right pace. I can tell he holds back a little, which is good!!

today is the big date. We are having a day date because he is meeting a friend tonight from high school who is town. I am nervous but I am going to go into it just like job said. I am going ot laugh and have a good time. Be myself, and if he doesn't like me for me, well, then he isn't for me.

I hope you all had a wonderful thanksgiving. volunteering was the best experience. I will do I every other year until D10 is old enough to join me.
Posted By: job Re: I may be here forever - 11/25/17 12:02 AM
Hi Ginger!

How did things go yesterday? Did you have fun?

Volunteering at Thanksgiving is very rewarding and I'm glad you were able to experience it. You get to meet so many people from all walks of life and for one day, you share a little bit of sunshine w/the people there. I'm sure your daughter will do just fine volunteering when she is old enough.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/25/17 01:37 AM
Hi Job,

How did the date go? Well, there were no fireworks but it was nice enough. We had sushi, the conversation was good, but his sense of humor doesn't completely match mine. I guessed he was an only child like me because we can just tell these things. Found out he is a kid of divorce, his parents divorced when he was 4, he spoke of like living out of two homes. His dad died in 2001 (my mom died in 2001) they were close. Small family, just like me. Told me about how he bought a townhome to be close to his daughter then his ex and new H moved 45 min away and it makes him sad because his daughter actually only has 2 overnights a month with him.

When sushi was done, there was really no place to go and I guess he wanted to to continue the date a little, and there was a deparment store across the street, and we shopped for his daughter a bit. A little weird I guess, but nice. Then our goodbye was awkward, as we were on a street corner in broad daylight. we were parked on two different streets and he said " I would walk you to your car, but my meter is going to run out" He didn't want a ticket. So we hugged goodbye and that was that.

He is a bit type A, and I am a bit type B. Which could work, but I don't know how much our persona's could match.

I have had the instant attraction/connection with exNG and FF and that didn't work out too well. There was such a level of excitement, yet comfort that I loved. with exNG, well, our connection was extremely strong, and I am realistic and I know I will probably never find one that matches it. He pretty much admits as much and he is with another woman he will probably be with forever. With FF, it was everything I wanted, I loved it, but I realize some of it might have just been a show.

So, my strong connections always ended badly for me. So I can give a slow start a chance. But honestly, am not sure how he is feeling. I think he kind of felt the same way. He is communicative, but not overly so, and if he is doing something, I won't hear from him, and he won't give the "talk to you later" he just ends a conversation in the middle of a thought.

But I did do something stupid. I left the date with that weird feeling. I just needed to know where I stood. I can't seem to stomach the wondering anymore. I simply sent a text hours later thanking him and I told him I had a good time and he said he didn as well. We joked about something,s that was that, he left a thought in the air and I haven't heard from him since.

It's my fault I guess. I was just soooo excited at the thought of the possibility of God answering my prayers. Seeing this meeting as a divine intervention. Thinking I deserved the whole package and it was finally coming around. That dreams can actually come true for me. That was dumb. But hey, atleast I had something to get excited about for a little while and I know I am not toatally dead inside or I am not that unattractive or that I won't really meet someone one day. I can take that away from it. If he asks me out again, I will go. If he doesn't then he doesn't.

I am kind of alone all weekend. I am going to go to hospice volunteer and spend a good amount of time at the gym. Maybe organize around the house. I miss my baby. This is the longest stretch of time I have had without her in a while. It's only 4 days but I miss her. Things just kind of feel empty without her.
Posted By: job Re: I may be here forever - 11/25/17 09:01 AM
Sounds like the date went okay. I would continue to look around and who knows...this guy may open up and be a bit more relaxed later on. If he doesn't contact you again...it's one more frog that you've kissed and dropped back in the pond.

Don't give up...keep looking.

Gabby will be home again before you know it. I know you two miss being w/each other and when she does return home, the homecomings are very special.

Hang in there!
Posted By: Cadet Re: I may be here forever - 11/25/17 11:06 PM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I am not that unattractive or that I won't really meet someone one day.
I can take that away from it.
If he asks me out again, I will go.
If he doesn't then he doesn't.

Glad you are coming to that realization.
My opinion is YOU are the whole package and you will find
someone - slow and steady wins the race.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Posted By: DDJ Re: I may be here forever - 11/26/17 09:04 PM
Hey Ginger, just caught up on your last post. Does God answer all of our prayers, I believe that He does. Almost never in the exact way that we want.

Great that the date went well. It's been a year and a half and i've not even been on date since D so I def hope to catch up one day.

One thing which I learnt about detachment is that it shouldn't only apply to the ex. It should really apply to every facet of our everyday lives. For example, your date went well, detach from any thoughts about it. Detach from the anxiety that it causes. The key is to always live in the present moment, you can remember the past but not live in it. That includes yesterday. Don't fantasize about the future either, as that can only lead to disappointment.

I've been lambasted on this forum before for saying that I took detachment too far, when i said that I was detaching from my son. But I have, i really have. I understand that he is his own person, his fate is not in my hands, but God's, and the only thing that matters is that I love him, whether i see him or not. I suggest that any LBSs that read this understand that you don't have to see your child to feel loved by them or to love them, h@ll, you don't even need to talk to them for a few days. They know you love them, they really do. You can feel it, but you do not need to see them to experience it.

It is difficult cos we think that we somehow have control (over anything), but we don't. Only once we realise this, can we truly detach from life. And only then will life attach to us.



Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/27/17 03:48 AM
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I am not that unattractive or that I won't really meet someone one day.
I can take that away from it.
If he asks me out again, I will go.
If he doesn't then he doesn't.

Glad you are coming to that realization.
My opinion is YOU are the whole package and you will find
someone - slow and steady wins the race.

Happy Thanksgiving!


Thank you so much, my friend! I am definitely managing slow and have some sort of record on these boards, heck, and IRL of not settling down again. I am just trying to keep an ounce of hope that this is not my fate.

Journaling, because work is sloooooooow, and I am seeing my IC tonight after 3 weeks, and many ups and downs. I am trying to put my thoughts together. No need to read, it'll probably be long, torturous, have a bit of self pity, and the such.

Bar guy has texted me a few times, unprompted from me, but he seems checked out. He's letting it die off, I know what he is doing. So I am going to take it into my own hands and put the nail in the coffin I guess. Sad.

I had a dream Friday night where everyone of my ex's were in it. it was awful. It was them and all their new women. Shoving it in my face. Hurting me. And yes, everyone I have dated (or married) I know is in a committed relationship now. Although a friend of mine looked up FF and his page says he is single, but his GF's profile pic is of the two of them still. he had some of those quotes that had to do with lying and betrayal, so I don't know what that is about. I have been thinking about him since that text I wish would have never happened.

I think back to my life. there is not one thing that came "normally" or "easily" for me. My R with my ex was a battle everyday. I wasn't going to throw in the towel though. to get him to commit, or even call me his girlfriend wa impossible when we were dating. took 2 years to say I love you...... Pregnancy? We couldn't just have sex like everyone else. We had to do IVF. And not regular IVF like everyone else, he needed a special procedure and it needed a special technique. High risk pregnancy, early high risk birth, NICu stay...... Things finally settle and he is out the door. For 10 years and the length of my child's life, I have been doing this alone.
My education, both times, didn't come easy. My career has been a struggle since exH left. I've been laid off, terminated, you name it. I've been having to accept a homewrecker as my daughter's stepmother, which ahs been a big challenge for me. There is not one man in my life who stuck around. They all ended it with me or walked out the door without hesitation when I needed something from them. Oh, and although nothing life threatening, 4 surgeries since 2010. Not an easy feat while taking care of a little one alone.

I know I sound like a huge victim here (and I even left out my childhood here). But I keep overcoming so much, and so much with minimal support. Some days I can't bear it anymore. I really can't. I pray to a God I don't really believe in to just let me have ONE BREAK. ONE THING COME NORMALLY TO ME. I am not even looking for easy. Just something without a struggle, physical or emotional.

So I live my life for others. My volunteering and altruism is a bit selfish. I figure it might be why I am here. If I can't seem to make my life better, maybe I can make someone else's better. In turn, it gives me purpose and makes me feel like I am worth something. If I can stop someone from hurting or make their day brighter, I do it. because I know that deep gut wrenching pain, and I know how some small acts of kindness can help. The smallest gestures make such a difference in my life, simply knowing someone cares. That's why I come back here. I know you guys care.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/27/17 03:29 PM
I got the blow-off text tonight. And that's ok. Because I was feeling the same way he did. I was going to say as much, but I didn't. I just told him thank you for your honesty and thank you for not ghosting me and I wish him all the best, then I deleted his number. I am not sad or rejected I guess because I feel the same way. I had one week of excitement and something to get excited about. I am down because I had hope. But I knew he wasn't for me even though I was going to give it more of a chance. But I know what it feels like to click. I have had the joy of that happening. And I imagine I can click with someone someday who is a good match in other ways too.

My IC session went well. I cried. I told her I feel like giving up sometimes. She asked what giving up means to me. I told her that it isn't an option and that is what makes me feel so trapped. I have no control. We discussed how to recognize the pain, acknowledge the pain, but know there are some wonderful parts of me and my life and try to shift the focus.

We had the most interesting discussion about religion and God. I told her I pray to a God I don't believe in to give me a break. I grew up without religion or God in my home. I knew nothing of it. When you are raised that way, you can't really accept one day that there is this one all powerful being. I believe in a higher power, something greater than me, even if I can't put my finger on what it is. She said something to me that my dad said to me on Thanksgiving. She said I possess qualities of many who are religious and believe in the greater good through my volunteering and my chosen career. She sees how I light up when I speak of giving to others or making a difference in their lives. She suggested that I look to a church. Even if not to worship God, but to get a sense of community and to find others who are like-minded and for services that preach the message of what I believe, which is being kind to others and giving to those who have a need. She mentioned local church which she knows is very involved with the community and helping those in need. I think it is a good idea. It certainly couldn't hurt.

Tonight at physical therapy I did not do well. I worked out all weekend and I guess I am not as healed as I thought I was. My PT hated the way I was walking and made me stop an exercise because my form was so bad. It was discouraging, but I guess I'll have bad days and good days in this process.

I also wish that guy at PT was 10 years older. He is such a wonderful guy. I love watching him with D10. We have fun too. Some young woman is going to be very lucky one day. Most people would be happy when PT is over. I will be sad. I love the people and the socialization.

Every day I try to keep it together, because I really have no choice. There is no alternative. So I will make the best of my situation.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: I may be here forever - 11/27/17 04:14 PM
Well G, you know I'm a touch cynical about relationships so I haven't had a lot of encouraging words. If nothing else I'm proud of you for braving the dating world as it is a non-started for me.

But then I realized, maybe my cynicism has a positive application! So here goes:

I'm absolutely positive that all of your exs' relationships are going to go down in smoldering flames. smile It will be ugly too. Everyone is a happy family until they aren't, and we've already seen enough to know how that plays out. Oh, and Mr. Cute PT guy that is too young for you but would otherwise be a dream, don't worry, he'll be a raging a-hole alcoholic addicted to cam girls and hooking up with strangers on craigslist while his wife is pregnant with their second child before the 2024 election.

If you can't do it, none of those clowns can. It just looks good until the seasons turn. But I think if anyone can do it then it would be you. Hang in. You're awesome.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: I may be here forever - 11/28/17 03:02 AM
Aw, G...sorry the barguy didn't work out. But you know what, that just means there is someone even better for you out there and I promise y'all will find each other when the time is right.

I'm catching up on several posts so going back a few, I just wanted to comment on the 9 years single thing. I don't think that throws red flags. Like someone said, you were focusing on your child, which is what a good parent should do. Now that she's getting older, you have a bit more time to focus on yourself and that is a wonderful thing. If 9 years being single does throw up red flags for someone, then he probably isn't the right one because any good man worth this salt would understand you taking time to raise your child right.....just my opinion, of course, but it seems logical to me. wink
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 11/28/17 07:37 AM
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Well G, you know I'm a touch cynical about relationships so I haven't had a lot of encouraging words. If nothing else I'm proud of you for braving the dating world as it is a non-started for me.

But then I realized, maybe my cynicism has a positive application! So here goes:

I'm absolutely positive that all of your exs' relationships are going to go down in smoldering flames. smile It will be ugly too. Everyone is a happy family until they aren't, and we've already seen enough to know how that plays out. Oh, and Mr. Cute PT guy that is too young for you but would otherwise be a dream, don't worry, he'll be a raging a-hole alcoholic addicted to cam girls and hooking up with strangers on craigslist while his wife is pregnant with their second child before the 2024 election.

If you can't do it, none of those clowns can. It just looks good until the seasons turn. But I think if anyone can do it then it would be you. Hang in. You're awesome.



I can't stop laughing. Thank you for that. I needed a good laugh. Don't worry, I think of it more as realism rather than cynicism!

I'm still laughing. An and you are awesome as well:)
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 12/01/17 03:04 AM
It is 10am at work and there is absolutely no work to do. It's going to be a long day, so why not journal before I do something stupid?

FF has seriously gotten into my head. Since the text. And the holiday's always bring my old relationships. I haven't logged into instagram in a while, but I admittedly curious if he was really single. All of a sudden his profile and his GF is marked private. Never was before. because of a crazy stalker like me? HA. Actually I blocked it all out because I didn't want to look and haven't in months and months. I could see things only on his sisters page because we are still friends. I saw a clip of them at his birthday party in early October. That's it. Saw some more pics of him with his nephew. That's it. But I realize he has taken serious effort to make me disappear. I guess I did too....... but that text through me off, then to realize this whole time I have been blocked even through text.... I stopped spinning on him a while back and everything that happened, was just majorly sad, but I guess it's just a sensitive time of the year. I was shocked last night when we did out town Christmas tree lighting and went to the firehouse for some festivities, it made me think of him.

I know my emotions are acting out of lonliness at this this time of the year. it happens every year. I need to just be mindful of it, and not reach out, which I admittedly almost did no FB. I WILL NOT DO IT.

Yes, I really am having a hard time digging out the depression. My dad asks me why I never talk to him, then when I do, he tells me "cheer up already! When are you going to stop with the self-pity" he says "what exactly is the therapist doing for you, then?"I got really upset yesterday when said this and said goodbye and got off the phone. I do not choose to feel like this. No one does. I make serious efforts to NOT feel like this. I try every suggestion given to me by you guys and my IC. I am trying. I know my dad is kind of traumatized by having to deal with my mother's depression for so long and I know he hates me hurting, I am his child, but he does think depression is a choice. it isn't.

I don't have siblings or a mom. I never really had anyone to lean on. It stinks. I never really knew what it was like to curl up in a mom's arms and have her tell me everything is going to be OK. But I make sure I give that to my daughter. A child, and even an adult child really needs that. I couldn't give her a sibling, but I can give her a mom. So one should go without a motherly figure ever.

Random thoughts of the day. Tomorrow I have some fun planned and a massage. Much needed. I have been exceedingly exhausted this week (when my depression gets bad, that's what happens) and I am going to make a delicious dinner for myself tonight and curl up with my really good book and a bottle, errrr.... glass of wine in front of the fake fireplace.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: I may be here forever - 12/01/17 07:39 AM
Your plans for tomorrow sound PERFECT! And, tonight too, for that matter, so enjoy your nice dinner, good book, wine and the rest of your plans. You deserve it lady! Hang in there...good things are coming your way. smile
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 12/04/17 01:58 AM
It's been a loooooong time since I said this on the boards, but who want's to give me a 2x4???

So, I ended up going out Friday and had a few drinks. The night before I had all these dreams about FF and they really had me bothered. So I did something really, really stupid. I unblocked him on FB for a minute and sent him a message asking him why he sent me a text when he had me blocked. he responded right away. he said he doesn't remember ever sending it. I told him I figured as much, but curiosity admittedly go the best of me. I told him I hope all is well and says "yup, all is well, well talk to you the next time, hhahaha" and I said as a joke, "the next time you drunk text me?" and then he types to me "late night h.u?" I said "mistakes happen" the second he said "late night H.u." then he said "mistakes happen?!@ what do you mean by that. I told him I was referring tot he mistaken text. he said, oh, I thought you were talking about the hook-up. At which point I finally realized what "h.u" meant. he tells me to let him know if I want to take him up on that offer, and before I could reply, he blocked me.

Yup, he was trying to make an arse out of me. Then proceeds to block me so I cannot respond. I was pissed. I was really hoping he wasn't such an immature a hole. it makes me look back and think how pathetic I was to feel safe and loved by this guy, safe enough to let my daughter in, and it turns out he was just playing games all along. Why he hates me so much now, I do not know. I didn't do anything.

I pretty much trust no guy anymore. It just really made me sick that he was the one that I did but he ended up being as nutty as the rest of them. I am getting over it. I hate feeling like a fool, I guess.

The weekend was good, though, although I drank entirely too much alcohol. Sat. night I had a Christmas party. My very good DB friend's cousin's party. I am fortunate to even be friend's with his cousin. I got to see them all and it was so much fun. I felt like ME for a night. Social, having fun, and not faking it. I really want to move where said friend lives. (this has been considered before because it is where said ex-ng is) I really like it up there, I would have a good base of friends and it is a lot more affordable. but I just can't because of D10. I really need a change of scenery and I feel like I just need to get out of here, but I have to wait until the kiddo is 18.

Soooo, D10 facetimed me last night because she was so excited she finished her book. She really dislikes reading, but she read this book pretty good. She is in her room with the her door open and I hear ex-h SCREAMING and cursing. He sounded really angry and vicious. I remember what that used to be like. I have no idea who it was directed towards, but D10 was like "oooohhhh, daddy is really angry" She luckily can block it out pretty well, and I stayed on the phone with her until I didn't hear him screaming anymore. Lord knows, I do not miss being a victim of that. he can be really vicious. he lacks any patience what-so-ever.

This week is insanely buy for me. I have many appts and things to do for D10. I pray I get through this week with my sanity!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: I may be here forever - 12/04/17 03:18 AM
Ginger...I am not going to give you a 2x4 because I probably need several myself on a regular basis, so I don't think I'm the right one to give them, but I will say this.....DO NOT beat yourself up about trusting, loving, letting FF in. You had NO clue at the time how he was and how things would end. You went into it honest and open and assumed he did too. You find out now that he didn't and that freaking blows, quite honestly, but never, ever, EVER downplay your own feelings about a situation. You acted and reacted based on what he presented to you and he's obviously one h3ll of an actor. I find myself saying this to you often, mainly because we seem so similar, but I know how you feel because I really didn't want to ever trust men again either after I figured out what a great actor my XH was. Don't let one bad seed ruin it for you, though. There are good guys out there and there is one that is just right for you. I totally understand not wanting to feel like a fool, though. I think that is part of my fear in putting myself out there sometimes. I don't want to look/feel foolish.

Prayers for your busy week. Hang in there, lady.....things WILL get better.
Posted By: DonH Re: I may be here forever - 12/04/17 06:02 AM
OMG I'm going to give BOTH OF YOU (Ginger & Dawn70) a 2X4!!!! Ginger is doing it and Dawn70 is cheering her on!

Originally Posted By: Dawn70
DO NOT beat yourself up about trusting, loving, letting FF in. You had NO clue at the time how he was and how things would end.


I just cannot agree and I'll bet others here can't either. THERE WERE CLUEs!!! A trusting, loving relationship has to be EARNED - not just given. Many here were throwing up flags and flares (CLUES) when it was going on. We said, please don't involve D10 (then D9) and don't go so fast, please slow down. It was said over and over again. These warnings were all rebuffed because this was the real thing and he was a great guy, blah, blah, blah "I just know it."

I don't want to throw 2X4s for what happened 9 months ago but for crying out loud, if we don't learn from it and change our behavior, we'll never get better and grow. Worse yet, we'll repeat the behavior that got us here in the first place. That's part of what this community is here for - to help us see what we can't see ourselves when we are in the thick of it. We can then hopefully change our behavior to be more productive to our lives.

I almost thought we were going to have a repeat with the guy from Match a few weeks ago. I could see you going down that exact same track again. I think you want it soooooo bad G that you are willing to create it in your head and refuse to see what is in front of you or refuse to hear what those here try to say. Now in this case, this guy was far enough away from what you want that this put some brakes on for you. Still, you were willing to keep trying with him and who knows what may have happened had he not came to you and said, thanks but no thanks.

I so understand this Ginger as it happens to me - or at least did years ago. (nothing much happens to me anymore) But I too would struggle to see and figure out what was right in front of me, because I'm in it. When I'm not in it, I can see all of this a mile apart. I am soooooooo good at it - unless I'm part of it and then I stink at it. I see you do the same thing as you give amazing advice to other people here - you just don't give good advice to yourself.

As for this episode, I must say I'm concerned - not as much as what you did but by the fact that you are still so much effected by such a short R. The benchmark I've always read and believe in is it takes 1/3 of the time of the R to fully, completely get over it. Therefore if you are with someone for 9 years, it could take UP TO 3 years to fully get over that person. I don't know how it relates to short-term Rs but wow, this has been over for 9 months now and it only lasted like 3 or 4. It should have only taken a month or two. Why is it still so inside of you G? Why are you still so wrapped up in FF? My best guess is because you created this whole fantasy in side of your head. It seems like that's what you do. You want something so badly that you lose all sight of reality and create it in your head. It almost seems like that's what you were already doing with Match guy. (or was it POF?)

I don't know what went on with this latest interaction with FF. I had a hard time following the interaction with him on FB messenger even. From how you describe it, I'm not sure he was suggesting a HU or thought you were????? He was not serious as he blocked you before getting an answer. Trust me, if I were fishing for that - and I'll bet IF he was - I/he would not block the person before getting the answer. Perhaps he thought you were and was not interested? I'm not sure.

What appears clear is he has zero interest in anything with you at this point - not even friendly conversation. What I'm more and more sure about, is this was not the R for him that it was for you. It well could have been because he was enjoying time spent with you and the sex. I will fully admit to doing this years back. I was not that into the woman but she was fun enough and the sex was good enough to keep it going until something else came along. Now in my cases, I nearly always told the person as much - or at least never lead them to believe there was more. They may have thought "he'll change" or "I'll win him over" but I never said "I see a future with you." if I did not. It's just more and more clear to me that's where FF was. You two were just never on the same page about your R - even if it seemed that way. That's why it TAKES TIME for these things to develop. That does not mean he didn't like you or enjoy being with you. I'll bet he did - but not for the long term. That's as much or more about HIM than it is about YOU!

The bottom line for me and this post and this 2X4 is this is going to keep happening if you don't change the way you are doing this. You have to start making them earn your love and your R. It's not something to be given to them until they do something to lose it. It has to be earned. D should not be involved early on - as nearly everyone here agrees. Sleep overs should not start after a week or two. You just can't go from zero to 60 in three seconds. It has to be a "this guy may have potential" for a few months to "This guy may be the real deal and I'm enjoying getting to know him more" for the next six months to "I'm more encouraged by this guy and am getting more trusting of him." At that point D10 comes into the picture. Then after a year or so it can be "He seems like the real deal and I think he's going to be a keeper." That's the time table you should be shooting for. If you are at the "He's going to be a keeper" status after 6 weeks, it's a crap shoot at best. People just will not reveal themselves sooner than that - especially the players.

I really hate to be rehashing the past but I can't help but think, it's still the MO of the present and that needs to change. I don't know how to have you change that - only that it's in play. You somehow have to get yourself to acting as the prize to be perused rather than the one chasing after the prize. Make sense?

As for FF - this really has to be the end now. NO MORE. He has to be done. There should be absolutely no confusion and honestly, that is something to thank him for. Other than perhaps that single text, he's not been sending mixed messages. He's been crystal clear. HIS LOSS. He had his chance - you MUST be done with him. He does not deserve you - he really does not. Stop lowering yourself. You are the prize - a prize he does not deserve. I really, honestly, truly believe that. Do you?
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: I may be here forever - 12/04/17 06:37 AM
Originally Posted By: DonH
OMG I'm going to give BOTH OF YOU (Ginger & Dawn70) a 2X4!!!! Ginger is doing it and Dawn70 is cheering her on!

Originally Posted By: Dawn70
DO NOT beat yourself up about trusting, loving, letting FF in. You had NO clue at the time how he was and how things would end.


I just cannot agree and I'll bet others here can't either. THERE WERE CLUEs!!! A trusting, loving relationship has to be EARNED - not just given. Many here were throwing up flags and flares (CLUES) when it was going on. We said, please don't involve D10 (then D9) and don't go so fast, please slow down. It was said over and over again. These warnings were all rebuffed because this was the real thing and he was a great guy, blah, blah, blah "I just know it."


Well, Don, I'm certainly a big girl and willing to take my 2x4s and not argue about them, particularly on someone else's page. I would like to point out, though, that I wasn't so much "cheering her on" as I was trying to get her to not be so hard on herself. I saw where you said you disagree and that is fine because we are all adults and I can stand people disagreeing with me. However, I'll even go you one further, I AGREE with everything you said about the red flags waving from folks on the board. I agreed with all of you who were waving them at the time and I still agree that there were red flags. My point, though, in my recent post to Ginger was that SHE was not seeing them because I think we ALL have a tendency to not see things when we feel a certain way, but the crux of the matter wasn't so much whether the red flags were there or not as that I don't think she should continue to beat herself up about falling for someone she thought was a nice guy and letting him in. Where we may or may not agree (don't know, but I am leaning toward disagreement here) is that it seems to be human nature, particularly in the early stages when we are enamored of someone and not seeing any faults, to ignore others' advice and just see all the rosiest parts of the person and their behavior. I'm certainly not trying to speak for Ginger or anyone else for that matter, but I KNOW I do that and I think Ginger did too and I totally understand where she's coming from since I have done it myself. THAT was the point to my post....to try and help her not beat herself up over something because that doesn't do her any good.

So, back to my original sentence, I'm willing to take my 2x4 and say thank you for pointing it out, Don. I appreciate all that you said and absolutely agree with most of it.

And, Ginger, sorry for the hijack, but I stand by what I originally said....do NOT keep beating yourself up about FF. There's much better out there for you and you DESERVE it!
Posted By: DonH Re: I may be here forever - 12/04/17 06:52 AM
I actually think we do agree on most of this. Perhaps my point was not as clear - or as usual I wrote too many words to make it. Broken down:

I don't want Ginger or anyone to "beat themselves up" for something. That's not going to be productive. However, we need to acknowledge it - or perhaps admit it and then TAKE STEPS to not repeat it. That's what I was trying to say. Claiming "You had no clue at the time" is just plain NOT TRUE. There were clues and letting anyone off the hook with a - "it's not your fault, you had no clue" does not, in my opinion, push them to make changes. We can't change what we don't first acknowledge. People in general tend to keep making the same mistakes over and over again if something doesn't happen to break the cycle. Sometimes a little tough love to our friends goes farther than saying it's not their fault, they had no clue, it's all the guy's (in this case) fault.

Most everything else we seem to agree on - including it's much, much harder when in the middle of it all. And I really stand by the fact that FF does not deserve someone like Ginger. I just hope she starts to see that as the rest of us do. G is still one of my favorite people here, which is why I'm willing to hold her to a higher standard. I know she will measure up.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 12/05/17 03:11 AM
Don't you worry, Dawn, I don't need to beat myself up, Don gave me quite a good @sskicking!

I wasn't even thinking into it that much. But now that you put it out there, some I agree with, some you are completely off base.

Yes, part me of regrets bringing D10 into the mix. Not because she is damaged by it, because she is not at all, but because it was hard to separate my life after that. I took a little bit of a selfish risk, but I knew this would be the only time I would take that risk. She already knew him,spent 5 days a week in the gym interacting with us.... it wasn't going to be able hidden long, so I took the chance. I however, will not be taking such a chance so easily again. lesson learned.

Do I think I made more of our R and he just saw me as fun times and good sex? No. men in my life have seen me that way, I will admit, but we were on the same level until he wasn't anymore. I am not disappointed in how he handled our R. I am disappointed in how he handled us afterwards. It just proved his immaturity.

I do not believe in rules and time tables and equations about getting over people. Certain people you can know for a long time, but not spend much time with them or not know them on a deeper level and get over them rather easily. Some people can become a big part of your life in a short time and on a deep level, and you can't put an equation to that. However, I did get over him, but maybe not the way things ended. I also, of course, in a time of lonliness has a longer time getting over the way I felt when I was with him. If I was stopping my life because of feelings for him, I would say "enough is enough" already. But my heart has finally opened to the possibility of others.

I also feel as if I handled my recent encounters with men like a pro, and I have been rather proud of myself, rather than wanting to beat myself up over that. one guy messed with me, I said "bye bye" one was obviously not a good fit, I said "bye bye". One wasn't fireworks, but was nice enough and I thought I might give him one more date where we needed to get to know each other a little better. I don't think it would have been wrong for me to do that. He made the decision for me, which is fine.

I also had a good session with my IC yesterday, and I went over yet again, was there anything I did wrong with FF. She says no. She did not see blazing red flags because we fell for eachother quickly. She knows my personality, and I am not a very guarded person, but I am smart.

when it comes to red flags and the such, I no longer ignore waving red flags. But If someone doesn't fit a perfect mold of what I think they should be, I do not let that stop me. That's not fair to hold people to some unrealistic standard. We all have our differences, we may see things differently, and someone who doesn't check off a million boxes, I won't count out. Unless they have low moral standards.

So, I really do feel as if I have come a long way and not doing the same stupid stuff.

All that being said, I have decided to not look at all, not try, nothing. Just accept the fact that this simply may be how it is going to be for me. For some reason it's not meant for me, and the constant disappointment is wearing me down. So I will just go about keeping myself busy as I normally do. I am really going to focus on the job sitch. I hope to get the side gig I want, plus a big move on my main career. Doing my best to enjoy the holidays, still trying to rehab this knee which is moving a little slower these days. Just putting focus elsewhere. Sure, I am ready to hire one of those professional cuddlers because I miss it so much, but I'll just have to keep distracting.
Posted By: DonH Re: I may be here forever - 12/05/17 05:21 AM
You sound amazingly stronger and much more like yourself from your first post to this one. This is the Ginger I know!!! - or at least I think I know. We may have to agree to disagree about the R with FF itself. You were there and I was not so all I can do is guess and assume. I might feel differently if I was there. It makes total sense why you would be more hurt about how he left and how he handled the breakup. That makes total sense. I just think that's part of the risk you take when jumping in with both feet so early before someone has the time to fully reveal them self.

I agree you've handled the last few guys very well but the dynamics and specifics helped. It sure seemed like you were starting the same behaviors of speeding things up, not holding back, not waiting. I again don't want to beat you or anyone up for the past but unless we are willing to acknowledge what we did wrong, we won't change our behavior. I fear there is some of that going on here. Who ever wants to admit they F'd up. I get that. Plus I think you can be a bit stubborn. smile. But, clearly, based on outcome you've done well. You've also had the guts to try even with the past hurt and that's good.

BTW "red flags" for me are not based on incompatibility, likes, dilikes, but instead based on behaviors, morals, ethics, neediness, addictions, etc.

Interesting you may be heading the direction I've seemed to have landed on. I can tell you I'm much less frustrated and I think happier. It takes a lot out of you/me to kee trying and keep getting beaten up. Going through the rejection, the ghosting, the not knowing. But then too the disappointment of people who may be interested in you but you not in the. It's tiring and exhausting. Thing is, I am pretty sure you still want an R more than I do, but I can tell you that it's been about 6 months now since I stopped trying and it gets easier everyday - so much so that I fear I may never find my way back.

Looks like we will both see if all of those people who say that someone will come along when we least expect it and we are not looking for it know what they are talking about.

And to come full circle to how this started. DON'T CONTACT FF AGAIN - EVER!!!
Posted By: uRworthy Re: I may be here forever - 12/05/17 06:48 AM
Hello my friend. I have wanted to write to you, however, I had to stop myself because my initial reaction was one of wanting to protect you. I know it's because I know you and how I feel about you.

That doesnt really help you on here. Here's what I think for what it's worth. People can tell you things until they're blue in the face...but it wont matter until you feel that way.

I think you know yourself really well. As far as FF...you felt as you did. Not up to me to judge.

I think we feel things on a different level than most because of our abandonment issues and all. So that when we get that "feeling" again...it touches us to our core. And that is what you felt when he acted as he did. Yet another person "leaving". And then it brings up all the feelings of inadequacy that comes with that. What is wrong with us that they felt they had to leave?

I wish I could tell you that it goes away. For me, it has dulled a lot. I can say that when someone leaves my life, it stings for a bit, but, those deep feelings are more fleeting. Not to say they arent there...because they always are beneath the surface if I dig deep enough, but, I am better able to discern whether it was a lacking in me or in them or something else.

I guess because of all the work Ive done and I am doing, I understand some things more. People are people. Not everyone is going to like me or want to stay in my life and that is ok. I really don't need quantity...it is quality I crave.

I think you know your worth...most of the time. But when things like this happen, it is a knee jerk reaction to go right back to the feelings we know so well. It is our comfort zone.

To break free of that is hard work. I know you arent afraid of that. I believe that FF showed you the possibilities. And once you glimpse that...you want it. Perfectly normal to want that, sweetie. It feels good.

My fear for you isnt that you will give up trying to get what you want...it's that you will stop seeing the possibilities. It kinda makes life worth living some. The idea that it may not happen...but it is possible, ya know?

But I also believe that there is something to letting go, To just see where life takes you. To just allow things to unfold. I really do believe that it where things we never thought would happen...do.

I so admire the work you do on yourself, G. Its tough to look inward in therapy. But its where we need to be to get to where we are truly good with ourselves.

You are depressed. I can feel it. I know that feeling well. Struggled through it my whole life...still do. When we are, we tend to hold onto thoughts more than we should.

One of the greatest things I learned on here is to let go. I dont always do it..thats for sure. But man, when I do..it is so freeing.

Let go, G. I mean really and truly just see where you land. I would put the whole match thing on hold for a little while.

Live your life. Have fun. Work hard and play hard. And remember, the best gift you can give your girl is to show her that you matter, too. Love you, my friend. Hope to see you on Saturday.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 12/07/17 03:55 AM
HI UR. I am glad to see you stopped by. I do have abandonment issues, and I try the whole self worth thing, knowing I am worth staying for, if the person is right and can appreciate what they have. I guess I get frustrated when I finally truly can see within myself that I am worthy, but no one else can.

I am depressed. You are absolutely right. My depression comes when I lose hope of possibilities. You nailed that one too. When I think it isn't even possible anymore because of what history has shown me.

So, in the past few days I have indeed let go. Let of of FF, the mind movies even stopped, replaying everything. It no longer matters or has any weight in my life. I guess I got my closure there. My mind just sort of stopped going every past relationship just trying to figure out why everyone leaves. I just decided to unburden myself.

I am in need of love and affection, it's been a loooooong time, but I am living without it. I keep busy. I just let the mental load go. I don't try to figure out how to meet a guy or find a guy, I just don't have the capacity to deal with it right now.

I am just going to cruise along, give myself day by day. Try to find the joy in small things.

6 more weeks of PT. I have things to really push on now. I am getting a new contraption so I don't have a contracture. I can only laugh when I look at this whole thing has happened. One jump. GAL. It's just kind of hilarious now. I saw my doc yesterday and he has grown a beard and he is so gorgeous I don't think I heard much of what he said. Yeah...... my needs are kicking in. Hot guy has PT at the same time as I do with my therapist. I need a cool shower these days, haha. But relationship-wise? I let that go for now.

I used to be afraid of looking inward. I was always so scared some horrible being would be revealed. Now, I realize just a HUMAN being is revealed.

Can't wait to see you!!!!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: I may be here forever - 12/13/17 07:55 AM
Journaling....

Last night I had a nightmare, and I woke up yelling and sweating. IN the dream, ex and I had decided to throw a very small party for D10 with 6 or 7 people. I show up at this party and there are over 50 people there. I am so mad about this. I overhear someone saying that OWW was very upset because she found out she can't have kids and they had decided to try. I began screaming at them in front of this crowd "I am sorry, but this is karma, and you both deserve this!" I also woke up saying that.

That morning D10 had offered me something to eat and I said "no thanks, I am watching the carbs" She said "oh, you and OWW are exactly alike she is watching them too". I admittedly was snarky and said "we are nothing alike" D10 got all defensive and said "you are calling OWW fat, that's not nice!" Totally not what I was implying at all (yes, is pretty overweight, I guess that's why she said that). Hey, I can't be an angel and sometimes something slips out of my mouth.

I noticed that OWW texts D10 a lot when she is with me. All these "I miss you's" and "hope you are having a great weekend with mommy". I know, I am supposed to be "thankful" or something that she's good to my daughter. But it gets under my skin. Petty? Maybe.

Same old as far as everything else in my life. I read a fantastic blog post yesterday on "single dad laughing" (am I allowed to say that?) and he explained the exact lonliness I feel. It was sad, but refreshing knowing I am not alone. I shared it on FB because I knew some people might be able to relate.

Otherwise, I go to bed around 9pm because I ain't got nothing going on. TV is boring me, I haven't found a book to captivate me, I don't feel like cleaning, so I pop a Xanax and drift off to sleep.

On a good note, I survived an exercise class on Monday. I modified, but I made it the whole 60 min. Felt good!
Posted By: JujuB Re: I may be here forever - 12/14/17 09:55 AM
Hi ginger,

Ugh. OWW is just an insensitive, and very oblivious woman. Im sorry you have to deal with her. I am sure it would be different for you if she didnt knowingly have an affair with him while you guys were together. Just remember she did not win any prize in this situation.
I would much rather be you then her!

Congrats on the exercise class. Its tough having to start all over after injuries and sickness. I have been unsuccessfully playing the hamilton lottery for a long time now, but my favorite line is "i am hercules mulligan, i need no introduction whem you knock me down i get the f back up again"

We all get knocked down in life at some point. Multiple times! Just trudge your way out of these trenches. Knowing youll be back in them ar some point and thats just life. But none of the ups or downs are permanent.
Posted By: job Re: I may be here forever - 12/15/17 01:36 AM
Ginger,

Thank you for coming over on the MLC Forum and offering advice to others. Your advice is golden and please do not be a stranger over there. They need your insight.

New Thread:

.....and ever and ever and ever
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