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Posted By: Ginger1 like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/16/17 12:31 AM
...goin down the only road I've ever known

I think I may have actually linked correctly!

KML,

As to your advice it is all great. My area happens to be one of the highest for rentals. I am paying a mortgage payment in rent. And I have nothing to show for it in the end. However, on the flip side, houses are very expensive here. I am essentially boxed into buying in my small town due to the school system. My choices are very limited. My town is like 6 sq miles, and a decent portion is flood zone and hurricaine Irene had houses seeing water up to the second floor. Those are the semi affordable houses.

I did speak to D9 about the possibility of looking at the town over which is pricey, but has more options, more condos too. She goes to aftercare and camp in that town and knows some kids. She asked me to wait until she finishes her first year of middle school for that. I appreciate and understand that.

As far as meeting Mr. Perfect? I've been waiting the last 9 years in hopes that I would meet someone and we would move in together. I can't hinge my life on that anymore. I want to settle myself. This house was going to make a nice profit if I got it, which is why I really wanted it. I am looking for places with a good resale value or potential to rent.

However, for the time being, I live in a very nice rental. My landlords could get so much more money for it, but they are content knowing they have good tenants instead. I've got a pretty nice roof over our heads. So I am not in any particular rush.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/16/17 12:42 AM
Sooooooo........

FF is not dating or interested in that girl. A friend actually asked his sister. Her answer was "he ll no!"

Friend said FF sister misses me. I miss her too. D9 said on the way to our other gym last night, I miss (gym) and I miss FF sister. Me too.

Well, I am glad my gut was wrong on this one. Maybe he is dating someone else, who knows, but as long as it isn't her!

Taking D9 bowling tonight. She's been so good sitting at the gym while I work out. She will watch her Ipad or read, or dance along to the music that is on. It's cut down on quality time because then I come home and cook and clean, so I thought a nice night out would be good for us. She really is such a good kid. My GAL efforts would not be successful if it wasn't for her tagging along, and she always does.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/16/17 02:42 AM
Sorry the house thing fell through, but that just means that there is something better out there waiting for you. Fingers crossed!
Posted By: whatisis Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/16/17 03:32 AM
I'd have wonder why FF is giving so much attention to someone he has no interest in! Does he just give women what he thinks they want? Who knows...who cares...you're moving on to better things
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/18/17 02:53 PM
AHhhh, fathers day. Happy fathers day to all you awesome dads here.

A bittersweet day for me. I am lucky to have my dad alive and well' in my life. I did not see him today, as it is also his wifes birthday and I had a paper to write and couldn't afford four hours of driving. I missed the both of them today, but we will be spending a few days 4th of july week with them and D9 and I are going to cook a special meal for them. D9 went with her dad last night. They went to his FIL's house. He went golfing with his FIL. I always have mixed feelings on this holiday. We never celebrated together. he was gone before we reaches our firsts as parents. It makes me sad we never got to celebrate eachother. I got him a gift certificate to take D9 mini golfing, so they can do something special together. I also texted him this morning and said "Happy father's day, I hope you enjoy this day with our beautiful daughter. I know deep in my heart he loves her. He may not be so hot at showing love, but he does love our daughter. I'll never forget when the Newtown shootings happened and he was sick and delirious with fever and he said to me "the only thing I have ever done right in my life was having D9". For my ex to say something like that is a big deal.

Friday night D9 and I had a dinner and bowling date. We had so much fun. In the lane next to us the hottest dad comes over with his 2 kids and I was like "woah!" then over comes his gorgeous, what I assume is his GF because the kids call her by her first name. D9 recognized the girl from camp. I watched them interact, and I won't lie, a twinge of jealousy came over me. I had that with FF and now it's gone. But my D9 and I are quite a pair. We really don't need anyone else. Went to my nephews pool party yesterday, spent the night alone and all day alone, but I finished my paper before midnight (yay!), got a pedicure and did some shopping.

I logged back into Instagram. FF sister post a picture of FF and her son fishing. I "liked" the picture. In the beginning I was hurt he just stopped paying any attention to anything I posted. So I said to myself "well I'll do the same back" But no. I decided to act in the way I see fit, never to punish someone and never to withhold because I won't get it in return. It's the true meaning of no expectations. I only stop myself when my purpose is to get a reaction or to temp check. I liked that picture because I really liked that picture. And you can just see what a great dad he is going to be. I was on groupon and saw an event he would really like. I was going to send it to him. For the pure reason I know it was something he wanted to do. Just like exH never texted me on mothers day, I wasn't going to do the same. I felt it right to wish him a special day with our daughter.

CHD, Chilvary, honesty, and dignity. I don't think one could go wrong if we live by that.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/19/17 01:30 PM
Tomorrow is my D9's last day as an elementary schooler. I can't believe my baby is going to middle school. exH has off this week and I have to work, so after tomorrow I won't see D9 until Sunday:( She is sleeping at her Aunts house tomorrow. We get to "clap" her out for her last day in the elementary school. OWW will be there. I invited them both to lunch to celebrate. D9's aunt and cousin are coming too. I'll probably be a crying mess.

Tonight was supposed ot be my first night of volleyball but thunderstorms cancelled it. D9 and I played uno and watched some TV. But I was acutely aware of how I am missing having another adult around. Talking about our days. It's really really tough. This is why I fill my space with working out so much. I don't know how else to rid myself of the lonliness. This week because she is not here I will be gyming it and I am going out with friends Thursday night.

I grew up alone. An only child. I was a pro at this. But I have to be honest, it is just so lonely raising a child from birth alone and no one coming home and asking how your day is or talking to other adults. D9 asked if I missed working from home which I did for 9 months and I said no. I had no adult interaction and it was torture. I miss my crew at the hospital. I miss my patients and their families. I realize I love interacting with people. I love to talk to the guy at the bagel shop where I get my coffee. Random people on line in stores. I really am a people person.

I had the ability to communicate with intubated patients who couldn't move but were alert. We would have conversations even though they weren't talking. And they were two way conversations. I had a patient with ALS who was intubated and could only move his eyes. Yet we spoke to eachother that way.

I'm just journaling my raw honest thoughts waiting for bedtime.
,
I miss FF. I miss his presence, his stories about work, teaching me about fire stuff, hearing about his family, his childhood, and just sitting there for hours on my couch talking about life. I miss it so bad.

I am telling you, the learning about ourselves, it never ends.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/20/17 01:26 AM
I totally understand what you mean when you say you miss having someone there. I was not an only child but learned to enjoy solitude as an adult because I didn't get married until I was 35 so I spent much of my time living alone. I like living alone: deciding what and when I want to eat, watch tv, go out and do something fun, etc. etc. etc. BUT, there are days where I actually long for adult companionship of the male persuasion. Someone to just sit and talk with or cuddle with or go out on an actual date with.

Hang in there, Ginger, because I think there is an amazing man out there somewhere trying to make his way to you right now. wink
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/20/17 03:33 AM
Thanks Dawn. In the last 9 years I've been used to living alone. And I do appreciate many parts of it. But that longing for adult companionship just won't go away. I'm feeling it worse now that I had it and now it's just gone.

Your comment made me think about how there might be an amazing man trying to make his way to me right now. And I here I am sad about a guy who completely ignores me and makes every effort to avoid contact and I am sad about that.

so I decided to quit giving a darn about that and focus on the potential of someone who wants to be with me. There really should be no room in my mind or my heart for those who want me out of theirs.

I know it's in the stars for you too. You are quite a catch.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/20/17 03:47 AM
FF finally cashed the $35 check I mailed him on 5/31 yesterday. Guess he got the package, I thought he might not have.

Guess he just forgot to cash it earlier.
Posted By: JujuB Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/20/17 04:41 AM
Its funny,

Regarding being alone... I do not feel any more alone now then I ever did in my relationship with husband. We each went our own way when we were together. HE told me, "nothing will change for you" and he was right.

I cant even fathom what it would feel like to have a partner. It feels like its been so long. I was jealous when another mom said "i have to ask my husband what he thinks". Or seeing a mom and dad joke around and enjoy their son at a cubscout meeting together. (my ex would never have went with me, although he would have taken him if I was in work) I have gotten used to not having someone else's input. And even when he was around, he was not someone I actually connected with.
He wasnt interested. He just wanted to get through the conversation, like it was this chore for him.

You are right though. Why waste our time consumed by someone that just does not want it?
Originally Posted By: Ginger1

I logged back into Instagram. FF sister post a picture of FF and her son fishing. I "liked" the picture. In the beginning I was hurt he just stopped paying any attention to anything I posted. So I said to myself "well I'll do the same back" But no. I decided to act in the way I see fit, never to punish someone and never to withhold because I won't get it in return. It's the true meaning of no expectations.


I love that smile Lots of strength of character represented there! What is "FF" short for? All I can think of is firefighter? Is your ex a firefighter maybe? I have a feeling you're going to tell me and I'm going to be like "oh duh, why didn't I know that" LOL!

Originally Posted By: JujuB

Or seeing a mom and dad joke around and enjoy their son at a cubscout meeting together.


I have an amusing story along those lines! Not too long after BD, but before D, W and I met at our son's school for a meet-the-teacher thing. We were standing there looking as son's work and I was admiring a happy couple across the table looking at their son's work. I was thinking "why can't W and I be a happily married couple like that?" About then the woman handed one of the drawings to the man and said "why don't you take this one to your house." Hahahahaha! Turns out they were a broken marriage too. Things are rarely as they seem!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/20/17 10:22 AM
Juju, my ex is the for show involved type. He will show up at some events and do some projects with her, but otherwise, he leaves the rest up to me. I, like most of us, have this vision of raising a child with ur spouses and sometimes it just doesn't turn out how we imagine. The good thing is I get to make the decisions. And me and you girl, we really do need to try not to let those who don't want to be here have so much space within us.

AS- I said it in your post, yup, he is a firefighter, an actual paid one. He was my boyfriend. I explained why we broke up in your thread. It stinks really.

At D9's clap out, ex his wife, his sister and D9's little cousin came. He hugged his sister hello, his niece, then I guess he felt it would be rude if he didn't give the Italian hug kiss hello thing so he did. We haven't done that in years! So awkward. I asked OWW to take a pic of the 3 of us, then I offered to take a pic of the three of them. We all went to lunch after and .......drumroll please..... he paid for everyone! I almost fell off my chair! Big man on campus! We were talking about high school reunions, and me and him, and sister all went to the same HS all separated by a year. I told exsil that I saw her ex boyfriend a year ago (pretty much the love of her life, although they were a dysfunctional couple) then we talked about her other exBF who was in my class. he cheated on her and every other GF and apparently his exW. She says "yup, once a cheater always a cheater!" ex nd OWW got real quiet! HAHA!

I've said it before and I will say it again. My life is so surreal sometimes. I'm pretty sure I have repented for all of my sins for dealing with them the way I do, lol.
Posted By: kml Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/20/17 04:04 PM
Quote:
She says "yup, once a cheater always a cheater!" ex nd OWW got real quiet! HAHA!


Hahahahaha!!!!!!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/21/17 02:02 AM
Thanks for stopping by my page and for your kind comments. I enjoy reading your posts because you are such a strong person. I said it before, but I just know there is some really special man out there somewhere for you. You and D9 will be blessed by him, but will be even bigger blessings TO him when y'all find each other. smile

Glad D9's event went well. Yay for her.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/22/17 11:53 PM
I've come to drop in a little vent. My exSIL took it upon herself to get my 9 year daughter her first bras and a graduation gift from the 4th grade. This has me upset on a few levels. I, as her mother decides when to take my child for her first bras. I do not feel we are there yet as my daughter is as flat as a board. I also feel like it is an experience to be shared between me and my daughter. But what really upsets me is no one asked me. Not his sister, and not him, who knew. One thing I cannot stand is being disrespected as her mother. And I am going to say something to him. He should have been the one to say "why don't you ask ginger first?" You all know I tolerate a lot, but this pissed me off. And the FB profile pic that OWW has of my daughter and her in matching leggings. That also pissed me off. You have no rights to matchy matchy. Only her mother who carried her for 8 months has that right. But I'll just seethe about that here.

I met up with friends I used to work at the hospital with last night. We had such a good time. One person is a few years older than me. She had a baby at 19, go through nursing school and became an amazing nurse. The father of the child was a real douche and only partially in her life. Her dad is an anesthesiologist, they have money and helped raised the baby. The baby is now 20. She met a guy a few years ago, they dated, moved in together. She got pregnant and they got married. Her daughter is now 4. Well, she kicked her H out because she found out he was cheating on her birthday last year. Her mother got diagnosed with lung cancer with mets to the bone in September. She is living with her parents. She is an incredibly strong woman, I have always admired her. I just hate hearing of these things. She's handling everything like a champ though.

I swear, life is a b!tch sometimes.
Posted By: JujuB Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/23/17 12:06 AM
Hi ginger,

I get down about how disloyal people are to each other too. It often feels like the people that are honest and faithful tend to get screwed in life.

I totally get yoir annoyance with sil. My ex MIL was kind of oblivious to those sorts of boundaries..she showed up one year with a Minnie mouse costume when my son was Mickey mouse and I was so annoyed.

Looking back, I wish i had politely talked to her about my annoyance. I think it would have been

1. Fun to make things akward for her when she was being overbearing. Women are often not used to that type of direct confrontation and it would have been better.

2. It would have prevented her from continuing to do stuff like rhat. It would establish that she needs to consult with me.


I think you're ex was probably oblivious to the bra issue. And you can't count on them to know or to really care enough to actially say something.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/25/17 01:12 AM
Juju,

You are right. I decided to leave it as a non-issue. What am I going to do? People I guess don't have the same boundaires as we do, so they will cross them. She watches my daughter, is good to her, we were always pretty close, so maybe she thought I would mind. ANd I'll just get her back and buy her daughter her first bra! HAHA! Her daughter, by virtue of divorce is obviously not my neice. She is almost 4, and has been getting to know me a bit. exSIL said she would have her daughter sleep by my house one time (we live 5 minutes away from eachother). That meant something to me. So I am letting the bra issue go.

I decided to hop back into online dating. I finally joined match with WII in my head saying its annoying when someone has a profile but didn't sign up. So I signed up this weekend. I had some decent messages waiting for me. I responded apologizing for it to take so long to get back to me. My profile says "no, but it's ok if my partner has his own" to the do you want kids question. Yet a bunch of guys who definitely want kids are emailing me. I tell them upfront the truth. I refuse to get into that situation again. It wsa too painful. One guy seems pretty cool, 47, divorced, and didn't answer the kids question, but I am guessing at 47 its a no. None of his own. I answered his email, even though it was from a week and a half ago, hopefully he emails me back.

I have a confession to make. I texted FF last night. I saw a really funny meme that pertains to us and I sent it to him saying "it was too good not to share" He didn't respond. He has essentially erased me. I feel sad about that, but it's not rocking my world. I do wonder why he has done this.

His sister has posting a lot of social media, so I have been seeing him a lot on there. She plays little video clips, and he looks happy. I am happy he is happy, but then it makes me feel like maybe I made him unhappy. They went to a wedding Thursday night I was supposed to be his date to. He had a date. Sort of. It's his sisters friend and her sons babysitter. I think she just went along. But my heart skipped a beat a little. You can tell it wasn't a romantic thing according to the pictures. But then I thought, "well, she's young, very close with the family and cute" Maybe she would be a perfect match for him. I do wonder why I even care about someone (as a friend) who seemingly erased me. It's a good and bad attribute.

Good news is though, I am actually excited to date again. And I will say for anyone thinking about it, the people on match are the most normal so far. I got no inappropriate messages, they do send nice ones, they don't seem to be looking for just hook ups or text buddies. I am going ot try to remain hopeful.

Yesterday my friends and I were halfway ot our long awaited Pinknic on govenors island in NYC. We were all dressed up and decked out in our pink and they cancelled it do the rain and hour before the event, even though it was rain or shine. It ws beautiful out, but the rains has supposedly flooded the area. We were pretty pissed. But we made the best of it, spent some in nYC, went back to Hoboken, had a few drinks, and made it a good time. I am so fortunate to have those kind of friends where we make anything a good time.

Today, I am picking up D9 and we are going strawberry picking. It's a beautiful day here. Then I will come home and write yet another paper.

This is just my journal, which is why it's ridiculously long. I am doing pretty good though.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/27/17 12:16 AM
I had my first night of volleyball. It was a really good time. I actually wasn't awful either. The others have played on a few leagues, so I am kind of a newbie. For our team, 3 guys and 2 girls showed up, and a guy from another team subbed. We played a really really good team but we did win one out of the 3 matches and the others were close.

They were so nice to D9 and they asked if we wanted to stay for chicken fingers and beer. D9 begged so I said yes. So, I got know the 3 of the guys on my team. They are so nice and one is just hilarious and D9 loves that one. He is the single one. And..... he is 26! You can tell D9 wants to hook me up with him. HAHA! It's funny, she likes a certain kind of guy for me. The guys I have dated have all been funny and personable and that's the kind she wants for me. D9 carried quite a conversation with them. She's a charmer alright. They complemented how well-behaved she was.

It was overall a really good time and I am glad I joined. I guess I have to thank the ex for this one?

Never heard from FF. He apparently wants nothing to do with me so I am just going to respect that. If he would rather pretend I don't exist, so be it. his repeated pleas for at least a friendship one day was a bunch of BS I guess. Working on not caring. I have too much other stuff going for me right now.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/27/17 02:12 AM
I wanted to be sure and think about what I said before I responded, because I don't want it to come off negative and I could see where it would, but I feel compelled to say something. First and foremost, yay for you on the volleyball. Sounds like you had a good time and D9 did as well and that is what you need. So, good for both of you. From what you say, it sounds like you are an amazing mom and I'm not at all surprised that other adults commented on how well-behaved your D is. That is awesome, so go Ginger!

Now, here's the part that come across as negative and I really don't mean for it to. I was rooting for your relationship with FF, but it was moving FAST. And, I won't rehash all that because you are well on your way to moving on and brava to you for that. But, if he doesn't want to be friends or to talk to you, then you don't need him anyway, right? I mean, one thing that I took from the early days of my time on this DB site is to act "as if" and in this case, he's the one acting "as if" you didn't exist, so just return that favor and move on. I know that is easier said than done. I think you and I are a lot alike in many ways and I know it would be hard for me, but you deserve so much better than a guy who basically begged for friendship then blew you off. My XH did the very same thing....told me he still wanted to be friends, even told me more than once he missed his "best friend" but when the new woman was hooked, he quickly told me he couldn't talk to me because it made her uncomfortable (of course, "if he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you" rang loudly in my head when he was telling me that, but I digress). My point here is that it really doesn't matter what FF needs. It matters what Ginger needs. Who cares if he wants to be friends, if it doesn't suit you. You are under no obligation to have any contact and despite his pleas for friendship, he's shown that he clearly doesn't know what friendship is. Do you really need that in your life? What does that show D9? Don't get me wrong, I think you are a very genuine, caring person from what I read on here and I think that you still feel some sense of obligation to be there for him and to "help" him. You aren't obligated though. Please forgive me if this all sounds negative as I really don't mean for it to. I just see someone whom I think of as a kind, caring person beating herself up for not being enough and my dear, Ginger, you are so much more than enough. In fact, you are too much for FF and he didn't/doesn't deserve someone like you.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/27/17 04:12 AM
It's not negative at all Dawn, actually it was very positive, complimentary and very true. I would have liked to be friends with him if he wanted. Orginally because I felt empathy and compassion and yes, I did want to fix his problems. I got so used to being his confidant and the one he came to. I thought I could be of some help.

Why did I reach out now? It's hard to explain, but I feel like you couldn't have really cared for anyone you ignore like that. And I think I personally have gotten sick of people walking out and pretending like I don't exist afterwards. It makes me question everything.

But you are so right. I don't need him. So that's why when he didn't answer, I just said "screw it, I tried, now I know where I truly stand" Old Ginger would have pursued the reason. But truthfully, while I can feel hurt and sad, I absolutely don't want anyone in my life who doesn't want to be there and I have plenty of people who do.

And you are so right, ,my mind automatically goes back to not being enough so much that I can be erased. And that causes sadness for me. But then I realize myself and people lovely people like you help me, is that I have always been enough and it isn't my problem.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/27/17 04:46 AM


The really cool thing is that the acronym for his name, FF, can morph into whatever may be necessary at the time. You can go from Firefighter to Fluffy Friend to Filthy Freak to...whatever.

(I didn't mention French Fry because that would be inappropriate.)
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/27/17 04:56 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler


The really cool thing is that the acronym for his name, FF, can morph into whatever may be necessary at the time. You can go from Firefighter to Fluffy Friend to Filthy Freak to...whatever.

(I didn't mention French Fry because that would be inappropriate.)



I am deeply, madly in love with French fries. So definitely not French fries.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 06/27/17 05:28 AM

Well, I meant that if a firefighter became a french fry, it probably wouldn't be a good thing. Or maybe that's a pork rind?

I'm aghast, you're so morbid.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/05/17 02:12 PM
I cant go on at work anymore, so you guys wont hear my crazy ramblings much anymore, so sorry! HAHA! Had a great weekend with some friends from the boards. One of the best things I have gotten from my crappy sitch is the friends I have gained from here. I also went to the my dads, we went to the beach, D9 is no longer afraid of the ocean, we actually rode bikes on the boardwalk, saw fireworks on the beach from my dad's terrace, it was great.

We were talking at dinner about being gullible (I will believe any story you tell me) and it made D9 think of FF because he would always say I was more gullible than D9. It was a trigger for her to remember him. He still lingers on her mind. SHe is left with memories too. She said " I miss FF" I simply say "I miss him too"

Life post DB is funny. How we learn to sit back, not chase something that doesn't want us, how we know that someone who truly wants to be in our lives will be and we cannot force it, nor do we want to. Before DB, if I would have chased, called, asked why he is ignoring me, ect....... (I was also in my 20's at BD) but I see people I know at my age do that now..... but I won't. It may leave me with a sadness but I have learned to just feel it and keep going. I accept someone doesn't want me as much as it hurts.

It boils down to we can't always have what we want. Or, for that matter, what we need is not always what we want.

There is my deep thought of the day!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/11/17 12:24 AM
Here's a small update....

I finally dug deep last night with my IC on my abandonment issues and my awful feelings of guilt and like I am getting what I deserve. We also dug into my need to see how much emotional pain I can handle. I expose myself to things that hurt, like ex's and their new partners to see if it hurts. It's a test to see how strong I am. It was pretty emotional yesterday.

Then I headed out to volleyball. It was 4 on 6 and we were getting killed but having the best time. I go up for my shot of the game, nailed the ball, made the point, and came down and my knee did this godawful pop thing. The one good body part I haven't injured in my knee. Well, to make a long story short, I eventually ended up in the ER and I am now on crutches, I can't bear weight and I probably tore something.

Aside from the pain, my mobility issues, not even knowing how I am going to get stuff done like grocery shopping, I just finally cried this morning. I love playing volleyball, I love exercise. It's what keeps me sane. With it taken away from me, I am so sad. I have tears as I type this.

The good news? My teammates are freakin' awesome. There are 2 guys who are roommates who I hung out with last week and this week. They practically carried me over to the bar and we really got to know eachother. The guy who runs the leagues bought me 2 drinks and we were talking. He's the nicest, very good looking guy. And married! Boy if he wasn't married..... and if the one of my teammates wasn't 26, well.... There is definitely a flirtation between us, but all innocent.

I decide to take myself to the hospital and the doctor was totally flirting with me. he was the same age as me. He even held my hand to take me to the bathroom. It is nice to be flirted with.

Which brings me to..... OLD. There was this guy who simply liked me so I went to his profile. It was the worst profile if it was true. I couldn't tell if it was sarcastic, but it was a whole bunch of "don'ts" so I decided to give him my unsolicited advice. He actually emailed me back telling me he was impressed with what I said and that I was the only woman to see through his profile. No one paid attention to his real nice guy personality profile and he had some bad dates from the ones who did. When he became and dick, the same women who did not respond to his emails, were flooding his inbox. Long story short, we have been emailing back and forth. D'd for 7 years, one stepdaughter, one daughter, same view on more kids.... I hope he finally asks me out.

And, I don't know how to work instagram. I just realized this weekend that FF unfollowed me. I am following him, but he unfollowed me somewhere along the line. He really wants to forget me, and I respect that, although it hurts. After listening to my cousin recounting her affair with a much older married man who claims to love both her and his wife, (she is married too, but does not love her H) and seeing her desperation in trying to keep him when she knows this is going to end for sure, I remind myself how strong I am by letting this one go and not prolonging pain.

And that's that. I'm hoping things go up from here.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/11/17 05:23 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
We also dug into my need to see how much emotional pain I can handle. I expose myself to things that hurt, like ex's and their new partners to see if it hurts. It's a test to see how strong I am.


Ginger,

Does your IC believe that testing your mettle isn't beneficial?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/11/17 05:52 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
We also dug into my need to see how much emotional pain I can handle. I expose myself to things that hurt, like ex's and their new partners to see if it hurts. It's a test to see how strong I am.


Ginger,

Does your IC believe that testing your mettle isn't beneficial?



She knows exactly why I am doing it and it makes logical sense, but really, I don't need to expose myself to it. I try to see what I can handle and test the waters. What she really wants me to learn to do is recognize pain is not weakness and that I deserve good things and I don't deserve the bad things.

Although........ I have a 95% chance of a tear in my ACL most likely requiring surgery. I am so depressed and in physical pain, tears are just flowing out of my eyes. Taking away my livelihood is going to push me back into depression.

The absolutely gorgeous orthodepic surgeon I just saw asked if I have any help at home. HAHAHA! I felt like saying "no, but you can come stay at my house, there is plenty of room in my bed!

One thing after another.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/11/17 07:56 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
The absolutely gorgeous orthodepic surgeon I just saw asked if I have any help at home. HAHAHA! I felt like saying "no, but you can come stay at my house, there is plenty of room in my bed!


Ginger,

That sounds like a missed opportunity. No flirtations?
Posted By: JujuB Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/11/17 08:35 AM
(((Ginger)))

I love to exercise too and I know how devastating it is to have an injury when your on a positive roll. It's a setback, but as we know life is filled with them!
Is it your right leg? Can you drive?

You are totally my hero for actually giving that guy advise! I am an OLD lurker and I come across those profiles and wonder if the guy actually wants to date or just insult women. I also find it a bit pretentious when people write that they only want to date someone that knows the difference between "their, and there". Lots of grammar police out there.

I like the more positive ones too. And the ones that actually put effort into it rather then just writing a generic and short bio that looks like everyone elses. It makes me think that they are taking dating and meeting sone one seriously.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/12/17 12:15 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
The absolutely gorgeous orthodepic surgeon I just saw asked if I have any help at home. HAHAHA! I felt like saying "no, but you can come stay at my house, there is plenty of room in my bed!


Ginger,

That sounds like a missed opportunity. No flirtations?



WAAYYYYYY out of my league, lol. Yes, some witty banter but that's it. I was told he is married and his wife is a major B, which is a shame because not only is he gorgeous, he is a sweetheart.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/12/17 12:28 AM
Hey Juju,

I am super duper depressed. I just cried in my bed last night. I am in pain, can barely get around, have no help, except for my beautiful amazing child who did all she could for me yesterday. I was indoor cycling sunday and I was out of breath, my whole body was working, but it felt SO GOOD. My exercise reminds me I am alive, that I can do anything. When I exercise, I tell myself how amazing my body is (inside). Now, I can't even get up my stairs. it's my GAL. For two hours on Monday nights I first play with my team and it's honestly like the only time nothing else going on in my life is on my mind. Then I take an hour and have drinks with my team, getting to know new people, and again, nothing else on my mind.

Now? My ex is probably going to play on my team! How ironic, huh? I'll be sitting there watching him play with my people next Monday.

I'll be really honest, I wished FF was there so bad last night. He was comfortable around my house, always helpful to me, and he would have really taken care of me. Sometimes I feel like him being there was really only a dream and it wasn't reality. Nothing makes you realize how alone you are when you are injured and you've got no one. Pity party, I know.

Juju, go ahead and say something to one of those guys! I have given my unsolicited advice to 3 guys. One didn't take it well. The other two were genuinely appreciative. And this on started a conversation which I hope is leading to a date.

Online dating is like shopping according to reading labels on a package.

Tonight I have an apt with a psychic. My D's friends mom went to this woman twice and she was completely on point so I decided to make an appt. She is really in demand, I have waited over a month.

Tomorrow night, MRI.
Posted By: JujuB Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/12/17 02:53 AM
I know how you feel ginger.

We are both in the medical field and we both know how bad it can really get for some people. But even though these injuries are temporary set backs, they are major inconveniences and big bumps in the road for us, when we rely on exercise and movement to make us feel good. Especially when we are going through emotional trauma.

I hope you go to physical therapy! smile It will help with the acute pain in the beginning, and then help you heal or prepare you for surgery. Certain muscles need to be targeted for strengthinging if your ACL is ruptured. I'm crossing my fingers for you though. But dont worry, there will be alternate forms of exercise you can do! I'm sure you have connections with great orthopedists and rehab facilities. And an understanding yourself. But we can always talk.

What I told myself when I fractured my ankle a while ago (and ruptured a ligament), was that maybe that injury happened because if I kept going, I would have been hit by a car! Who knows?

Can your dad come by and help? You have tons of great friends that I'm sure would love to help you out. And then there's delivery. You will feel better each day.

And remember you don't need a boyfriend or husband to get you through this. But I understand how good it would feel to have someone that was concerned.

You're a strong woman, and i wish life would stop throwing out these obstacles for you! But I also know you will push on through.

Regarding OLD, I haven't actually set up my account yet. I'm excited and curious. I never did much dating. I'm a little worried about the time commitment, and the fact that I'm not healed. But who knows if I ever will be. Plus I live with my parents! I don't know if guys will care about that as much as a woman would. In my area, it's not that uncommon though. But I still feel it's a negative for me for a potential guy.
I will update my thread about this topic though. It's a much more fun topic and problem then my divorce and I can't wait to be able to go there!
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/12/17 03:02 AM
You know, I think Juju was reading my mind. I TOTALLY agree that you don't need a boyfriend or husband to get through this, but I, too, understand how it would feel good to have a concerned person be there for you.

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this injury, but hopefully the fact that you are in good shape will help you heal and get past this quicker.

You are a really strong person, Ginger. I admire you. Hang in there....better days are coming!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/12/17 01:49 PM
Thank you,my friends. It's just another bump in the road. I know everything will turn out ok eventually. I will have to do physical therapy before and after the surgery, if I need surgery. My poor knee blew up today. It hurts and it's ugly. I get my MRI tomorrow night. I don't need a man, I know, it would just be nice, lol. I've gotten through 3 surgeries since my ex left, 2 with a rather young child and no help. My dad will help if/when I have my surgery and will try to come out next week if I'm still pretty immobile to do some housework and grocery shopping for me. My friends got their own things going on with their kids being home from summer and stuff, so I don't want to bother them.

I saw a psychic today. She was on point with some things and my mother came through. I was freaked because she described her to a T, how she left this earth, how she is mentally ill and she said how I need to stop living with the guilt and she is sorry she wasn't the mom she wanted to be and I needed her to be. I was a bit blown away by that part. Then she asked if I had a recent break-up and she told me how I am spinning in my head over it. She also told me he wasn't the one. But the significant thing that she sees in my future is a new guy, but it isn't going to work if I don't change the dynamic. She says I give too much too soon. I need to give a little and take a little and he has to put in equal effort. That blew me away a little too, because I barely spoke during the reading so I couldn't give ANYTHING away. Which brings me to my online buddy. He wants to go out and take me to see his friends band. I told me how that he has chosen not to date in so long that he has learned to fill his life in with other stuff. GAL?! He said he just needs to figure out when he can see me. I respect that as I live the same way. He told me basically it was a weird fate that we are even talking and he didn't expect it. he had signed up a long time ago, subscription expired, he would just browse, but he didn't pay. One night he was playing on his phone, fell asleep and he must have reactivated the account. And he had no intention of talking to anyone. He is so down to earth and honest it's refreshing. I will not set myself up to expect anything great though. But talking to him has just been nice. His wife cheated and left too. His view is just like mine.

And finally, something horrible that really made me stop the self-pity crap with my knee. There is a friend of one of my best friends who has been through hell and back. She and her husband had a baby who was born with an illness that caused a cleft palate and a hole in the heart. Her heart was repaired, but she suffered vocal cord paralysis and died at 6 months old. She grienved so hard as expected, then got pregnant a few later again. She didn't announce until 17 weeks. She went for her 20 week scan and there was no heart beat. The cord had wrapped around her neck. She had to deliver her dead baby. She got pregnant again with a beautiful health girl who is now 4 months old. She's been posting some stuff about breakups. I asked my friend about her and it turns out her husband left her for a 24 year old. This woman is a beautiful loving soul. How can so many horrible things happen to one person. She was barely hanging on by a thread as it is. I feel so awful for her and I want to cut off her husbands d!ck.

The universe can be so cruel.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/13/17 12:58 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I saw a psychic today.


Ginger,

I channel a 17 year old Magic 8 Ball. Ask me anything; my services are free to the DB clan.
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/13/17 01:36 AM
Ginger,

Interesting stuff from the psychic. It would've weirded me out a bit, to be quite honest. LOL After I read your post, I stopped what I was doing and said a prayer for your friend's friend. How horrible. I often find myself musing, as I have posted on my own thread a time or two, "what the h3ll is wrong with people?" and that lady's no-good husband certainly falls in that category. Wow.................(and not wow in a good way!)

Good luck with the "date"? Are we calling it a date? I don't want to read too much into it, so I'll just say good luck hanging out with your gentleman friend. wink

Continued prayers for peace and healing for you, kind lady.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/13/17 03:31 AM
Ginger,

My disdain for charlatans has gotten the best of me; I can't remain silent any longer. I don't really channel a Magic 8 Ball. I lied. I'm sorry.

You should google "Penn Jillette Debunks Psychic Cold Reading." There's a YouTube video of Adam Savage interviewing Penn Jillette that you should view before spending any more money.
Posted By: kml Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/13/17 09:19 AM

Quote:
She says I give too much too soon. I need to give a little and take a little and he has to put in equal effort.

Ok I like this psychic because she's telling you EXACTLY what we all wanted to tell you last time. Take this advice to heart!

Quote:
I feel so awful for her and I want to cut off her husbands d!ck.

I'll help you. I've got the tools!
Posted By: Maybell Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/13/17 01:50 PM
Ginger, I'm so sorry about your knee. How frustrating!

And excited to hear about your OLD. I hope it's just fun.

And also tempted by the psychic. I went to one around the time Mr. Fantastic was moving out and she was spot on about him. Stuff I didn't know about him that came out later and it was interesting that she was so right. It's hard not to think there's some truth to it when they come out with things that are actually helpful at the time that you hear them.

I hope you're ok and that the pain is manageable. And that you heal very quickly.
Posted By: Painter Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/15/17 07:58 AM
Ginger, that sounds like a profound reading you had. I hope it was helpful and that you can continue to process all the wonderful input you received.

Doodler, this is by it's nature a field that is wide open to frauds, but there are genuine people who also do very valuable work, especially with people in deep grief. I have had personal experiences with involuntary channeling - messages from people who have passed over - but I can't control it. I've had strange experiences all my life, but I'm a big skeptic so I've never really believed it. During the last 15 years, I've had a number of experiences I just couldn't brush off anymore.

My personal view is that it's nothing supernatural about it, it's just that science hasn't figured out yet what happens and how it works. Think about all the things that seemed miraculous and supernatural in the history of humans, and how science has not discovered, but revealed the cause of thousands of strange phenomena that used to scare and confuse us. I believe that the reason we don't all experience channeling or unusual insights, is the same reason as why we don't all have great singing voices or musical talent, or can't all draw, or do gymnastics or any other ability that is unevenly distributed in the population. For me, a circus acrobat seems pretty supernatural! And if you listen to Gabriele Fuchs sing Mozart, I don't know how to explain how that is possible, especially being an amateur choir singer myself. It's truly a rare gift.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/16/17 12:51 AM
Originally Posted By: Painter
I have had personal experiences with involuntary channeling - messages from people who have passed over - but I can't control it.


Painter,

I'm sorry, I didn't realize this was a hot-button topic. I shouldn't have a closed-mind because I've actually experienced involuntary channeling myself. When my XW pushes my buttons I'll often channel a dead sailor. As hard as I try to suppress it, the dead sailor has to say his piece before he can calmly cross over.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/16/17 12:11 PM
Just got back from a road trip today to see some pretty fantastic friends wink

Thank you for all your well wishes. I Got my MRI results and the doctor was right. There is an ACL tear with the addition of a meniscus tear. I've really just begun processing and I've been crying. I know it isn't life threatening, but on so many levels, this is a sucky thing to happen to me. I can detail why, but I won't. It's just super depressing and very hard to deal with right now physically and emotionally. The shocking part is my ex is almost empathetic and will be there to help with D9. The problem will be getting someone to help with me.

As far as the psychic this is the third one I have ever been to. I am of course a skeptic. I went to one when I fist got separated, then I saw one last year at a friend who had a "psychic party". I was so desperate at bomb drop for answers and I was friendly with a woman in the lab in the hospital I worked at and she and her H went through something similar and reconciled and her psychic predicted it. So I ran there fast, haha! She seemed pretty legit, but she was wrong. I still have the cassette tape of the recorded session. Just no cassette player, haha. Second one was pretty off. This one was the most spot on. Heck, I hope she is right. ANd I am certainly going to take into consideration what she said.

And the OLD. I left him my cell phone number, he replied on match with a short email and left me his. I didn't go first though and he sent me a quick text last night. I sent the last one and haven't hear since, but whatever. We will see. I feel useless now to even date anyone anyways.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/17/17 12:09 AM
When it rains it pours! That date FF had to the wedding is his GF. His sister posted pics from a christening and yup, definitely dating. I had my friend check something out, so while I was already really down, I could just take it all at once. my friend is still friends on FB with him. On Friday the GF posted a pic of them from the wedding back in june.

They were keeping it under wraps for a while I guess. It was painful to see. Good news for him is, everyone who comes after me is usually "the one".

I could have never contended with a 23 year old who is good friends with the family, his sister, and is the babysitter to his nephew. I honestly wish I never met him. We should have never happened. He's known her a while, she should have just went there first.

About my need to see how much pain I can tolerate. I feel like the universe keeps doing it for me, so I really don't need to do it for myself.
Posted By: job Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/17/17 12:26 AM
Ginger,

I am really glad you went out of town. You looked happy and relaxed in the photo w/your friends. Hopefully you can get more of these road trips planned for the rest of the summer.

I am also glad that your xh is going to help out w/your daughter. I know you are happy about that and yet, you need someone to help you out a bit too. I hope your friends will step up to the plate and help you.

I am so sorry about your injury. This really sxcks for you. Did your doctor say how long it will take for that to heal or will you require surgery?

As for the jerk of a FF, leave him in the dust. He doesn't deserve you. He hasn't grown up enough to realize what real love and companionship are all about. The right guy will come along when you least expect him to appear.

Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/17/17 01:48 AM
Ginger,

There's a line in the movie "La La Land":

"I'm letting life hit me until it gets tired. Then I'll hit back. It's a classic rope-a-dope."

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I thought that was a good quote.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/17/17 02:12 AM
Thank JOb, I really did have a wonderful time and I was happy and relaxed. I didn't realize how close I was to you! What a lovely area it was. I could see myself living the country life!

I will need surgery. That is going to be tough. I'll be out of work for a few weeks. I'll find out details Wednesday.

I decided to be an idiot and look at the GF's FB page and her new profile picture is og them hugging at the wedding with everyone's comments of a what a beautiful couple. How long has this been going on for?

It hurt soooooo badly to see it. I shouldn't have done it. Every single relationship I don't get much time to heal before I have to see see them with their significant other and it hurts every single time very badly. So I took the step to block him, block his gf and unfollow his sister. I need to protect my sanity. Everytime I get my crap together something sets me back.
With the injury, I wasn't in the mindset to find this out. I also made the mistake last night of texting his telling him I didn't know he has a girlfriend, else I wouldn't have sent that last text, even though it was meant as funny and friendly, out of respect. I wished them luck, and I told him looks like he found exactly what he was looking for.

Passive aggressive, I know. I had a backslide. I haven't had any backslides post DB with the guys I have dated. So I am letting myself off the hook for this one.

Of course he didn't respond. I did not expect him to. He fully moved and fast, of course.

Job, I am not expecting anyone anymore, unfortunately.

This is just too much for me at once right now.
((( Ginger )))

UGH!!

I WAS going to tell you to stop torturing yourself and I WAS going to tell you to protect yourself from more self inflicted second-guessing-the-past pain

but you know this^^^. And I'm damn sorry you're hurting.

I'm making a scoffing noise at FF now, & I don't know what emoji would go for that, but

smh and scoffing at him some more.

Oh, and this, too

cry
[quote=Painter]Ginger, that sounds like a profound reading you had. I hope it was helpful and that you can continue to process all the wonderful input you received.

Doodler, this is by it's nature a field that is wide open to frauds, but there are genuine people who also do very valuable work, especially with people in deep grief. I have had personal experiences with involuntary channeling - messages from people who have passed over - but I can't control it.

I've had strange experiences all my life, but I'm a big skeptic so I've never really believed it. During the last 15 years, I've had a number of experiences I just couldn't brush off anymore.

My personal view is that it's nothing supernatural about it, it's just that science hasn't figured out yet what happens and how it works.


I get this^^^. Just read the book "Blink", which explains a lot about why what our "gut" says about someone or something, without apparent sufficient data, is spot on.

There are signals we don't take in consciously but when we listen to them, we are freakishly accurate.

One small example happened a few years back, but after driving for hours, and being behind a truck for some time, I moved my car from one lane to another for no "real" reason. Within seconds, I heard a noise and in my rear view mirror, I could see the truck I had previously been behind, have a blow out, turn sideways and roll, with the car that HAD been behind ME, crashing into the truck. WTF?

In the book "Blink", the theory would be that at some subconscious level, I must have noticed something "off" about the way his back tire was moving/wobbling and some danger signal caused me to change lanes without thought, which saved my life.

OR it was divine OR it was both! Don't know, can't prove. I accept that something I was not mentally aware of in my choice to move my car suddenly, did indeed occur.

Anyway, the book has empirical data supporting this "trust your gut" phenomenon that has been very poorly understood before.
While the book Blink attempts to explain these events, it only goes so far. The author concedes there are people who "guess" at things far better than others, and it's not yet understood why.

We know there are plenty of frauds out there, obviously. For me, Doodler, the mocking doesn't feel helpful. I'm familiar with Penn/Gillette & I share many of their political beliefs. But they do not persuade me against my religious beliefs, which are incredibly personal.

Anyhow, Ginger said she got something valuable out of the reading so, I am not going to challenge that. Why would I?


There are things in my life which I don't understand, including my m, obviously. But more importantly I don't understand all the elements of my faith, i.e. the mystery of my faith.
Hence the terms, "mystery" and "faith".

I don't have all the answers about God or my higher power or who I'm praying to IF anyone,
or where I'm getting strength & guidance from, or the role of Jesus, or Buddha, or heaven and redemption etc.

I see no conflict between science and faith, indeed it's just the opposite.

The more we learn, e.g. space travel/neurosurgery, cyberspace, musical pieces we still play 300 years later, art pieces we find beautiful, from centuries ago, marriages that last a long life time and are happy, the more intentional it all seems...

. I don't need ALL the answers, and I'm at peace with being awed. I have faith in the evidence of things not seen. That's why they call it faith
.


**So GINGER, one of my closest long time friends LC lost her 22 y/o son suddenly last fall. (Undiagnosed Cardiac myopathy. He was an athlete, too). This happened out of the blue...during a phone conversation with her, we were interrupted by her h with that bombshell. I mean, I have No words... )

Anyhow, since I moved back east - I am able to be more supportive and I appreciate that as a gift to me, and hopefully to her.

But there are 2 things I want to share with you about having people in our lives who have had overwhelmingly crappy events occur -


Clearly it helps us to keep our perspective about things. Not so much "so it could be worse!!", which we already knew.

But more like "wow, in every life of depth, there will be deep loss" and the universality of this theme is both sad and comforting. We are not alone. And we can reach out to support others, even in our own pain. (Hence being here).


Second, this same friend asked me to go hear the Long Island Medium Teresa Caputo, with her. I'm not someone who goes to these things. I've been too cynical about it, and have always thought they were fakes. Maybe she is!

But then I think, "what's the harm?" I'm not selling my car to get a reading or some advice. Plus, I could not refuse LC. She wants to go with someone and invited me. It's called being a friend.


Obviously I hope LC hears something comforting about her son. Obviously. I'm Not sure how it works or if I have to push her up front or what.

In case it's not clear, no I won't give away anything about LC. I'm crossing my fingers there's something to this medium and that it helps my friend in her grief. She's just so sad.

Anyhow I'll keep you posted.

Originally Posted By: Ginger1
When it rains it pours! -

About my need to see how much pain I can tolerate. I feel like the universe keeps doing it for me, so I really don't need to do it for myself.


Ginger ((( !! )))

I have about 3 close friends from childhood who are in dire straights right now.

LC is one, & as I told you, her son died suddenly. JJ lost her mom last week - but has privately been struggling with multiple myeloma and job loss for a year. (She did not want her mom to know these things, to avoid stressing her late mother).

KM had a long awaited double lung transplant and as horrific as that whole process was, she's now in organ rejection. 7 surgeries since the transplant, etc.

OKAY so here's my real point.

Per her request, I go visit KM for her birthday at her beach house 6 hours away. I was expecting a death vigil as she was told by Duke, "we are at the end of the road, no treatment options left."

I'm not sure what I was really expecting, but FUN & laughs were not on the expectation list.

I arrive and she's THRILLED to see me. Like I'm the best 25 ever!

Her grown sons were there and her awesome husband. The next day, Somehow, oxygen tanks and tubes and all, we got on their boat and went cruising around. I mean, what??

KM turned to me at one point and said "Hey 25, will you do my eulogy?"

At which point we talked for maybe 90 SECONDS about what matters to her the most, and then dolphins jumped near us and she was enthralled and exuberant.

"DOLPHINS!! OMG that made my day!"

I $hit you not. She was utterly delighted. We laughed a lot the whole weekend and (granted she needed an 02 mask, but whatever) and also had authentic talks.

She really was consistently in the moment. Intensely. I am still processing what I learned.

BTW, she was a party girl in high school, always cheering the team on but never really "getting deep", and she's someone whom I would never have imagined to be this strong. She just takes the hits and gets back up in the ring, although she wobbles on the ropes sometimes.

She agreed she has surprised herself.

SO I tell my therapist all this ^^ about my closest friends and their travails, and my T knows of my own sudden health crap and h leaving me out west the same month, and the "love of his life OW" posts on FB, etc etc.

T says "sounds like you & your friends have discovered deep wells of resilience."


Ginger, ^^^^ YOU have deep wells of resilience.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/17/17 05:44 AM
Thank you thank you, 25. My IC says I am quite resilient and she has never seen someone do so much work to overcome. I really try, and I keep getting knocked on my A. Yes, much have it worse than me, but I am truly getting worn down. My tears have been flowing at my desk today and I hate when that happens.

I think I'm jealous when I look at FF and new woman. She is exactly what he wanted. Young, unattached to anything, so close with his family already. He literally found the perfect woman for him and everything he told me he wanted. But so freaking fast. And he has mentioned her before which I guess makes it a little harder. Which I didn't expose myself to that profile picture. It's ingrained in my brain now.

Funny, we have about 3 pictures of us. I never posted one to FB, nor did he. Someone posted a pic of us together once, but that's it.

I just need a break from the pain, ya know? Tonight I get to watch my exH play in my spot on MY volleyball team. Playing is what I need to be doing tonight.

When I was talking to my psychic, she said not be surprised if my daughter has psychic abilities. Her intuition and her sensitivity is strong. She was right on with that.

yeah, sometimes we need a little comfort and look in some weird placed. When I'm down and out, I have been known to open a random fortune cookie hoping to see if it could predict something positive in my future.
as for random comforts...

dolphins, if you're near the water, a medium for my grieving mama friend,

Game of Thrones for me this week, and Divorcecare and finding a JOB that I care about...that would be lovely.

of course you're jealous of FF. I mean, yeah...(dare I say "duh"?)

since he already knew her their r can move faster, btw.

Does not mean he was cheating on you, and in fact you may have diverted him off his path towards her, but he had an already established bond with her.

Given the internal conflicts with him, I think you know in your HEAD, that it would not have panned out. What he seemed like is not who he was fully.

A part of him was ALL IN and a part was not, which is contradictory of course.

We all have mixed feelings, but his were more overt and thus more confusing to you.

I'm about to date someone. And i just want to apologize to him up front, for being the first guy I date after such a long marriage, you know?

I mean, I am sure I have triggers but I also think I have triggers I don't know about and that's going to $uck to discover in real time.

OH I meant to say that the physical therapy for the knee, which I know you know, but I'm gonna nag anyhow,

is that if you stop doing it when you "feel pretty much better" that ain't enough.

I stopped doing my PT for my knee when I couldn't get any more leg rubs from the cute PT guy (hey I was in high school!) and the electric stuff seemed useless. MY mistake!

By age 45, the injury took its toll and it is a pain for me now. I NEED to exercise and the knees both bother me and so I gain weight and yada yada

you get the point. Do the PT...(see if you can get a cute PT who does massage therapy for your leg pain, i mean if you get a choice!)

I'm sending Blessings your way Ginger....
Posted By: kml Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/17/17 08:58 AM
Quote:
JJ lost her mom last week - but has privately been struggling with multiple myeloma and job loss for a year.


25 - tell your friend to go on a gluten-free diet. There is an association between gluten antibodies and multiple myeloma, it may be helpful, can't hurt.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/18/17 12:44 AM
Last night I went to Volleyball with D9. ExH met us there and played. I was carrying 2 camping chairs, and ex just walks over to the court. My guy teammates see m carrying these chairs with a brace and grab them from me and say I shouldn't be carrying them. My ex is really very oblivious to those around him. He is pretty darn good at VB now. I was friendly enough to ask if he wanted to stay with me, D9 and the guys for some food and beer, but he said he had ordered food at home. Good, because I really didn't want him there. I bought for the guys for helping me out last week. They made a mention of how me and the ex have a good relationship. I said yes, it was civil. I really do enjoy hanging out with the guys. It did make me sad I couldn't play, though. Ex is playing again next week, D9 and I will go again. it get's me out and socializing. It rained before the game and I thought it might be called off and I began to panic, because I just can't sit home. My mind can't handle it. Thankfully tonight I am going out for a friends birthday.

I regret more than anything seeing that profile pic of them. I should have stayed away. It won't get out of my head. I keep trying to tell myself it was a stupid 3 month fling we had, nothing serious so it was no big deal. But it isn't working. I have ran every scenario I have about how and when they got together, but I realize it just doesn't matter. They should have been together before were ever were. He wasn't the one for me, I know that now. He's got to do his young guy thing. I need to do my adult thing.

I will be sticking to my PT. Actually, I am looking forward to it. 1) it is SOME form of exercise, 2) it will get me back to my normal active lifestyle, 3) it will keep me busy.

Not being able to exercise is really not doing well for me. I need to not get fat and I have already put on some weight since I was seeing FF, and I am having a hard time shaking it. it goes up and down, but it's going to be so much more diet focused now.

I won't lie, I am stressed, sad, frustrated, hurt, all of that. But I have no choice but to go forward and keep the hope that this isn't the end of my story and this is how my life will be for the next 50 years. I began to tell myself I need to get used to it, but then I realize that better has got be yet to come.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/18/17 01:00 AM
Wait, let me throw some positivity in there.....

The guys on my team adore my daughter. There was one more team-t-shirt left and they gave it to her and made her an official member. They enjoy her staying for happy hour. They make her the keeper of the shoes while we play. It really does warm my heart these guys are so great to my kid.

Part of me wonders what it was like for ex to see how friendly and helpful they all are to me and D9. I don't think he even notices, honestly.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/18/17 05:08 AM
Ginger,

Yeah, it's always nice when other adults take an interest in your children.

On Saturday, I was standing in the checkout line at Hobby Lobby and there was a small boy, probably about a year old, sitting in the shopping cart in front of me. He looked at me and pointed and loudly said, "DA-DA." All I could say was, "Oops, I didn't know about that one."
Posted By: uRworthy Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/18/17 03:56 PM
Hey G. So glad you had a nice trip. Wish I was there.

So you ever have a canker sore or a toothache or earache and you touch them to feel the pain? NO? Oh, maybe it's just me then. smile

Most times we have to walk through the pain to get to the other side. You and I are alike is some ways. I think this may be another way. We have to see something over and over until it really sets in. For me, it is sometimes the only way I get it.

I always say I need a brick building to fall on me sometimes, ya know?

When my life isnt going great...and it isnt now.. hasnt been for sometime for a lot of reasons..I pray and talk to my dad in heaven. And always....always...I am shone someone who has been through far worse than me.

Sometimes that helps get me back on track. Sometimes I need to have a good cry anyway. Because even though I know there are people with way more stuff to bare than me, sometimes I am just plain tired of it all.

So life succks some for you right now. You know you will pick yourself up again..its who you are. Long as you dont live there..you are ok.

But I have also found that when I take some time to look at the good stuff in my life, it helps some.

The thing is G, it's all a process. It doesnt always feel like where are getting anywhere. And often it feels like we are going backwards some. But eventually we right the boat and carry on.

We are survivors. We are tough and strong and brave.

This is another setback for you for sure. But not for long. I know that without a single doubt.

You will get through this. You will be fine.

Can you stick your foot out as your ex passes? Whoops..i didnt mean to say that out loud. My bad.

G, that psychic sees what I see. I can feel it deep in my old bones. These are not just words I am writing. There will be someone special in your life...when you are ready..when it is time. You cant rush it. Just let it happen.

Love you, my friend. We have a date when you are feeling better to go eat ourselves silly in Brooklyn.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/19/17 01:18 AM
UR,
You were very missed this weekend. I really can't wait to go east the crap out of Brooklyn!!

I love love love when you drop by on my little journal here. I always said I should just put it on paper, but feedback really helps me sort through my feelings and thoughts.

Yes, we definitely share the trait of poking something that hurts and saying "ouch, that hurts when I do that". To me, it is kind of a desensitation. I hope that if I keep poking at it, I won't feel it anymore. I remember when I first saw wedding pics of exH and OWW FB I would just stare until I felt nothing anymore. I wanted to do that with FF, but, really, why? I never have to him again. I don't have to see her. I am instead using everything I can now to not see them. I really wish I could unsee the picture because it haunts me.

Life is kind of sucking right now. But I know all the good I have and I am trying to focus there and get stuff handled. I am so sorry you are struggling too and I'll remind you every day I am here for you.

I hope when I am ready, that someone special is one that sees me as the only option for him. I have a feeling if it does happen, he will be amazing and he doesn't want to imagine his life with anyone but me.

We really are survivors. Thank you for reminding me. I have been feeling like I am going backwards or it's like groundhog day with the same cycle repeating itself. I want to leap forward as soon as my knee lets me, lol.

Miss you much!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/19/17 01:26 AM
Oh...... speaking of tripping my D-bag of an exH. D9 had a crying fit about her father's rudeness and yelling yesterday when I picked her up. It began with her telling me someone had stolen her dollar bill from her backpack at camp. I asked her where in her backpack it was, I wanted to know if some kid is opening up her stuff. She left it on the mesh outside pocket so I simply told her to keep it where it can't be seen. She gets all defensive with me. I told her I wasn't blaming her, stealing is never wrong, but we put our money in the safest place possible. I explained I try to teach her stuff, I am not yelling.

So she bursts into tears and tells me she "has anger issues since 6 years old" I am like "what???" She goes to tell me her father is always yelling at her, that's why she though I was yelling at her. He gets angry so easily. Then she tells me how badly she feels for OWW because he yells at her when she put the chicken in the oven 2 minutes late, or forgot to bring the forks out to eat dinner.

I am absolutely heart broken. I know what she is saying is absolutely true. I used to put the wrong brand of something, put an ingredient he didn't want in a food, and I heard it. I was yelled at and insulted. He did not change his ways. I realize now D9 gets defensive when someone tries to talk to her the way I used to get defensive with him because it's how I protected myself. She sees her father treat OWW that way. he would have seen him treat me that way.

She knows it's wrong. She feels awful for herself and for OWW. I told her what daddy does is not right, and he used to do it to me too. She asked me why I even married him.

He is so messed up in the head. I hurt so badly my daughter has to experience what I did. OWW deserves, OTOH, but my daughter doesn't deserve to witness it.

I so want to kick him in the nuts;
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/19/17 01:27 AM
"stealing is never RIGHT" I should really proofread.....
Posted By: Dawn70 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/19/17 03:25 AM
Glad you got away for a bit. It's nice to have that mental break sometimes. I hate that FF's new girlfriend is hitting you so hard, but you deserve SO much better. You know, I totally get it though. I wouldn't go back to my ex-husband if he was the last man on earth and he offered me 10 million dollars, but the first time I saw a pic of him and his new gf (now wife), I just about lost my mind. It hurts and brings up all sorts of insecurities in ourselves, so I totally understand your reaction. I think it's good that you blocked them both from all your social media. Just focus on you and don't worry about FF. He's not anywhere good enough for you!
Posted By: kml Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/19/17 05:04 AM
Quote:
She asked me why I even married him.


Ouch!

Your daughter may need some counseling. She's always been unusually insightful, a good therapist may be able to help her maintain healthy boundaries with your ex.

It hurts, I know - I'm dealing now with my adult children and their troubled relationship with their narcissist father.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/19/17 05:17 AM
Originally Posted By: Dawn70
Glad you got away for a bit. It's nice to have that mental break sometimes. I hate that FF's new girlfriend is hitting you so hard, but you deserve SO much better. You know, I totally get it though. I wouldn't go back to my ex-husband if he was the last man on earth and he offered me 10 million dollars, but the first time I saw a pic of him and his new gf (now wife), I just about lost my mind. It hurts and brings up all sorts of insecurities in ourselves, so I totally understand your reaction. I think it's good that you blocked them both from all your social media. Just focus on you and don't worry about FF. He's not anywhere good enough for you!


Hi Dawn!

I think it hit me so hard because I know she is the perfect match and she can give him what I can't. I know how completely happy he must be with a younger woman who is already in with the family. It is definitely triggering my insecurities. Especially when EVERYONE I have dated ended up with someone 5 minutes after me, or even during me, and most of those women were people they already knew. I have no clue why they even bothered with me.

I guess I am feeling like he must be sitting there saying "this was the right decision, I am happier now than I could be with Ginger" and he might very well be saying that. And I can see why. I simply cannot offer him what she can. (although I have my own place and they both live with their parents, lol).

I know he is way better off with her, but seeing them together just stinks. It's not that who I am isn't worth, I am just not what he needs at all.

Eh, I really do have bigger fish to fry. Like my A hole of an ex, going to the ortho today to find out the plan, finishing school, getting as much done as I possible can around the house before surgery happens, while I can't really do too much as it is. And, of course, cheering on my volleyball team, haha!
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/19/17 05:19 AM
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
She asked me why I even married him.


Ouch!

Your daughter may need some counseling. She's always been unusually insightful, a good therapist may be able to help her maintain healthy boundaries with your ex.

It hurts, I know - I'm dealing now with my adult children and their troubled relationship with their narcissist father.


I think you are right. I have looked for a good therapist with reasonable hours in the area, and I can't find one. I talk to my T about how to help her handle it.

The sad part is she loves his so much and hates how he treats everyone.

I know that feeling all too well.

She incredibly insightful. More so than a lot of the adults I know. I can't sneak any BS past her.
Posted By: kml Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/19/17 08:16 AM
Quote:
I guess I am feeling like he must be sitting there saying "this was the right decision, I am happier now than I could be with Ginger" and he might very well be saying that. And I can see why. I simply cannot offer him what she can. (although I have my own place and they both live with their parents, lol).


You're doing a whole lot of ASSuming here, girlfriend. Do you honestly believe your ex-husband ended up happier with OW than he would have been with you? Clearly not. So don't go around assuming all your other ex-boyfriends made the right choices - you never know what's going on behind closed doors. Maybe your ex's are driving their current partners crazy comparing them to you all the time lol.
Posted By: Cadet Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/19/17 06:11 PM
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
She asked me why I even married him.


Ouch!

Your daughter may need some counseling. She's always been unusually insightful, a good therapist may be able to help her maintain healthy boundaries with your ex.

It hurts, I know - I'm dealing now with my adult children and their troubled relationship with their narcissist father.

Their is only one answer to this and it is so
I could have YOU (D9) or KML(adult children)

I love you unconditionally.
This is the answer she is looking for.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/20/17 12:32 AM
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
I guess I am feeling like he must be sitting there saying "this was the right decision, I am happier now than I could be with Ginger" and he might very well be saying that. And I can see why. I simply cannot offer him what she can. (although I have my own place and they both live with their parents, lol).


You're doing a whole lot of ASSuming here, girlfriend. Do you honestly believe your ex-husband ended up happier with OW than he would have been with you? Clearly not. So don't go around assuming all your other ex-boyfriends made the right choices - you never know what's going on behind closed doors. Maybe your ex's are driving their current partners crazy comparing them to you all the time lol.

HAHA, yes, I am doing a whole lot of logical assuming. But it is assumptions. Since I will never know the truth and care not to find out, I really like your explanation and I am going with it. If that fantasy makes me feel better, why not? But I am making an effort to just be mentally done with this. We had our fun, unfortunately good things come to an end, and hopefully something better is in store for me.

Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
She asked me why I even married him.


Ouch!

Your daughter may need some counseling. She's always been unusually insightful, a good therapist may be able to help her maintain healthy boundaries with your ex.

It hurts, I know - I'm dealing now with my adult children and their troubled relationship with their narcissist father.

Their is only one answer to this and it is so
I could have YOU (D9) or KML(adult children)

I love you unconditionally.
This is the answer she is looking for.


Great minds think alike. That's exactly what I told her
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/20/17 12:42 AM
Saw the doctor yesterday. I did a number on my knee. 2-3 weeks of PT and I am scheduling my surgery for August 18th. Recovery is a B. It will not be easy, I will be out of work for a while. But he says I will get back to where I was in 9 months, light jogging in 3. I am just in shock still that I really did this to myself. All I wanted to do was GAL. I wanted to play a sport I enjoy, lift my spirits, meet new people, and now I am down for the count. My summer is sort of shot. I know it could be worse, but taking repeated blows just wears me down. Nothing and I mean NOTHING comes without struggle to me.

I am not allowed to stay in this self pity much longer. I won't myself. I am just tired. even though my dad and stepmom are taking me and staying with me for four days, the truth is, the absence of a partner is truly truly felt in times like these. I feel awfully alone.

But this is how I am used to doing things, so I will just keep moving forward and doing the work that needs to be done.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/20/17 12:53 AM
Ginger,

What if, due to your injury, you meet the guy of your dreams and live happily ever after? Stop treating it as a roadblock and look at it as an adventure.
Posted By: kml Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/20/17 03:58 AM
Maybe a hot single physical therapist! smile
Posted By: Cristy Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/20/17 09:02 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
I guess I am feeling like he must be sitting there saying "this was the right decision, I am happier now than I could be with Ginger" and he might very well be saying that. And I can see why. I simply cannot offer him what she can. (although I have my own place and they both live with their parents, lol).


You're doing a whole lot of ASSuming here, girlfriend. Do you honestly believe your ex-husband ended up happier with OW than he would have been with you? Clearly not. So don't go around assuming all your other ex-boyfriends made the right choices - you never know what's going on behind closed doors. Maybe your ex's are driving their current partners crazy comparing them to you all the time lol.

HAHA, yes, I am doing a whole lot of logical assuming. But it is assumptions. Since I will never know the truth and care not to find out, I really like your explanation and I am going with it. If that fantasy makes me feel better, why not? But I am making an effort to just be mentally done with this. We had our fun, unfortunately good things come to an end, and hopefully something better is in store for me.

Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
She asked me why I even married him.


Ouch!

Your daughter may need some counseling. She's always been unusually insightful, a good therapist may be able to help her maintain healthy boundaries with your ex.

It hurts, I know - I'm dealing now with my adult children and their troubled relationship with their narcissist father.

Their is only one answer to this and it is so
I could have YOU (D9) or KML(adult children)

I love you unconditionally.
This is the answer she is looking for.


Great minds think alike. That's exactly what I told her


Hello Ginger,

It is going to sound like an echo around here. Yes, lots of mind reading/assuming happening.

Best of luck to you on your PT and surgery!

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Posted By: DonH Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/20/17 09:19 AM
Just have to chime n here but some of this with FF and new GF seem so obvious to me. First off there is no way you can know that this new 23 year old is "perfect" for FF. There is no way they could even know that - you're just making yourself feel bad thinking about it. Sure it may seem that way but even your D just said the OW that came after you with your X is not living a great life, yet you thought ex found his perfect match after you. So at this point FF is just dating someone new. That's all we can know for sure.

I'll then take it a step further - and this is actually a bigger point. If, and that is a big if, but IF this new girl is perfect for FF then it is totally clear that you and he were never a match or perfect for ach other. You are such a different person than this girl. You have life expierence, parenting expierence, a career, education, on and on. The differences between the two of you are vast. Not saying she is worse or anything but for certain different. If this is FFs perfect match you would have been dating below your bar. For sure it shows in just how different places you two were. That's just the truth. About the only thing you and new girl may have in common is you are both pretty. Otherwise it's no contest.

I hope you'll give that some thought.
Hi Ginger,

I'm sorry about your injury. I know that $&@?! so be kind to yourself.

You remind me so much of a good friend of mine. It's eerie with what you say. In regards to FF, I'm going to sound unromantic and logical do take this for what it's worth. You know what? You got a taste of a relationship. You have been lonely over the years. That isn't bad or abnormal-quite the contrary. Your time with him
Showed you that you could have a nice R and connect with someone. I realize it hurts however, maybe the universe was reminding you that you can "love" or feel deeply for someone again.

I'll probably get lambasted for this but I'll take my punches :-) I'm not surprised in the least that FF is dating someone or that she's 23. Quite frankly, that may be what is a best fit for him. This is exactly zero reflection of you. However, I doubt seriously girl is perfect. No one is. That's your fragile ego speaking. You are fantastic and awesome. I guess what im trying to say is that it can't work with someone who is looking for something else. And this is the most important part...it does not mean that you aren't beautiful, funny, smart and a wonderful mother. It just means he wanted something different. Not better. Just different. And no one wants to truly be with someone who doesn't want us.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.
Posted By: JujuB Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/20/17 12:01 PM
Originally Posted By: kml
Maybe a hot single physical therapist! smile



Physical Therapists are super nice and make great partners!!!

Ginger, I love reading your threads. The advise is just on target. Although I know first hand that relationships with larger age gaps do work, I have learned that I am going to stick with guys that have similar life experiences as I.

Its crazy, but this brutally honest guy was talking about dating and levels. He was saying that I would have to stick with dating guys that are in similar situations as me...(children, divorce) or else "go down a few levels". He was basically telling me that whatever guy that matches whatever rating I score on looks, profession, income can technically date up and find a younger more attractive woman.

Now if i look at this comment logically I get what hes saying. And in my next life i am coming back a man. But it really disturbed me because I always hoped that it was as easy as just getting together with some one you connect with. And that does happen, but realistically is that always how things work? Down the line, does it stand?

I feel in my heart and intuition that you are going to meet this really great guy. The universe may just be preparing you right now.
Juju,

(Sorry for the hijack, G). Most of my friends are men. They do have a brutal, yet honest way of assessing situations. I would love to be a guy some days. Really.
I think the key is finding someone who is accepting of your baggage( we all have it) and vice versa. I *do* think it *can* be as simple as meeting someone you click with. Unfortunately, there are many folks who even of they like someone, are always looking for better. And some people are simply incapable of having real relationship. Doesn't make them bad people-just not good dating partners. That sounds awful and jaded right? I just stay steer clear of those folks.

Keep the faith, G. I'm a big believer that there really are lots of someone's for everyone.
Posted By: bttrfly Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/20/17 11:34 PM
frown Time to have some patience with yourself G ... that's always hard, isn't it?

I wish I had more words of wisdom, but basically I echo what everyone else has said, esp Cadet, Kml and DonH.

Focus on healing your body. Trust that the rest will fall into place.
xoxoxoxo
sending hugs
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/21/17 01:51 AM
Wow, everyone, it's very nice to read all these posts and thank you all for taking the time out to post to me.

Absolutely I am ASSuming. I just drew a logical conclusion from the facts. Georgia and Juju, you are absolutely correct. Age differences don't matter so much. Where you are in life does. I think we were both really trying to fit a square peg in a round hole with where we were in life. It doesn't fit. I need someone in a similar point in life as I. So does he. He just happened to find it in record time. I am happy for him finding it, if he did, they are a much better fit given life goals and circumstances. We had something special, but not enough to sustain.

I did get a taste of a real R and it has been very difficult for me to lose it, yes. I didn't realize how much I missed sharing my time and my life with someone. It was made a reality I hadn't known in many, many, many years. I miss it awfully. We just happened to click and that made it that much better. These days I come home, go through the routine, D9 goes to bed, I stare at the TV and half-assed watch a show, or I read a book, but I do go to bed early because I am going stir crazy.

And thank you Don. She is perfect for him, yes, but not perfect. Heck, I don't even know her. She isn't all that hot either.

The good news is I am really taking an effort to not know a darned more thing about them. His sister doesn't log onto Fb all that often, but she posted something to my knee comment. I no longer follow her page, but I don't want to unfriend her.

I could only dream of finding a hot single PT! That would definitely be a silver lining!

Whatever happening now must be happening for some sort of reasons. Or it's just bad luck. But either way, I just keep going. What else can I do?
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/21/17 02:03 AM
Oh, and ya know. I actually do think my ex is quite content. He plays his Vball a few times a week, has his kid sometimes, a W who puts up with his horridness, and no other real responsibilities aside from work.

But do I think OWW is happy? Nope!
Posted By: Cadet Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/24/17 05:17 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
But do I think OWW is happy? Nope!

Luckily she is not your problem.
Posted By: JujuB Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/24/17 01:53 PM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Oh, and ya know. I actually do think my ex is quite content. He plays his Vball a few times a week, has his kid sometimes, a W who puts up with his horridness, and no other real responsibilities aside from work.

But do I think OWW is happy? Nope!


Sometimes everything does happen for a reason ginger.

I think about the posts you wrote about you're daughter and ex's relationship. It's actually good that she has a buffer and is learning and identifying at a really early age what is ok. Imagine how things could have been for her had your ex stayed. She and you might not have recognized dysfunction.

If my ex stayed with me, we would have been constantly fighting over his lack of family involvement. My son would have been exposed to this. I could have been responsible for his financial issues. My health could have been at risk if he took up IV drug use, or if he was cheating.

Like you said it's better not to try and fit a square peg into a round hole, or you get stuck with someone uncomfortable that will do anything to get out!

Being comfortable with loss and letting sone one go is crucial yet for some reason we fight it.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/25/17 01:31 AM
JuJU,

I agree, this had to have happened for a reason. I hate that it has happened and he couldn't be a decent human being, but if he is this bad, this is the best situation for my D. I spent a good 9 years with exH making excuses for his behavior and why I tolerated. I don't want that for my D. She needs me as a person who is outside of the situation now to help guide her. And, OW is a buffer. I couldn't imagine if it was just ex and D9.

As for being comfortable with loss, I have really been thinking about that lately. I have experienced tons of it, but I have always resisted it. That's why I couldn't let exH go when I should have before were married. I accept loss now and lean into the pain that comes with it. I may sounds nutso sometimes, but it is really me dealing with the loss rather than resisting it. It takes me longer to get over things now because I am fully acknowledgable of the loss and I am actually dealing with it and facing it.

Yesterday I was supposed to see my IC, first time since the injury and finding out about FF GF. I had been itching for this appointment as a much needed outlet. But the kiddo wasn't feeling good and I had to get pick her up earlier. So I rescheduled for Friday.

I've have been feeling down on myself. I feel fat and ugly and I can't do much about it. My weight gain has me feeling disgusted. But I have been socializing and having dinners, BBQ's and drinks which is good I am getting out, but it's not good for the weight.
My joy of food is all I kind of got now. I need to curtail it. I gained 6lbs since feb and I am just not happy with it. 6lbs is a big difference on me.

Tomorrow night I begin PT. Atleast I will be engaging in an activity that doesn't involve food.

I have also been taking an inventory of all the men in my life and how things have went down. That inventory makes me sad. I gave everyone something they needed in their lives and they ran to the next person with it. I see pretty much all of them in a happy loving relationship now(I know the happy is an assumption, but I do think they are, and it's not that I don't want them to be)it's more like "Where's Mine?!?" who's going to stick around for me?

Time will tell.

Sorry so depressing. You would never know it from the outside.
Posted By: kml Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/25/17 04:56 AM
Quote:
6lbs is a big difference on me


Reality check - 6 lbs is not a big difference on anybody (unless you're 3'2").

But since you're obsessing - you can still do arm weights, crunches, wall pushups, even a hand bike if your gym has one (mine used to but it's gone now I'm afraid).
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/30/17 03:08 PM
Very strange, I haven't been able to log in at work. I guess security is tight.

Not much new going on. Had a great weekend with friends. Began PT last week. It's going well and I am mostly doing my exercises. I rode the bike for 5 minutes and that was exciting. Saw my IC for the first time since this happened. Got some feelings off my chest.

I am struggling, That's no lie. I am overwhelmed with lots to handle on my own.

I dropped D9 off at her dad's today and I had to pee, so I went inside. His mother was there and she asked if D9 gave me my "special gift". She hadn't yet, so she handed it to me. It was a crystal bell that had a butterfly handle and said "1979 Happy Mother's Day" She thought I was born in 1979, I wasn't going to tell her I wasn't but exH did. I told her I loved the gift and that I was touched she remembered how much I loved butterflies. I really was.

I decided I am going to ask permission to have a dog. D9 has been begging and begging and begging. We are pug lovers. I think it is something this home needs. I know we are a little family her and I, but I think we both realize a little something is missing with the presence of FF being gone. For both of us, it was something that we needed in our lives and we lost it. I think having a dog is just what our little family needs to bring a little added joy, cuddles, and kisses. I pray the landlord lets us and we will adopt a pug when I recover from surgery.

Oh, and ellie, I have been doing upper body work and abs when I get a chance. It makes me feel like I am doing SOMETHING. I just don't feel so attractive lately. I figure in my recovery I'll go get my hair done. It's way too gray right now and I wanted to try that ballyage. I need to get my mojo back.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/30/17 04:02 PM
G, sorry I've been absent. I've still been following and silently sending you some positive energy. I don't have anything clever, wise or inspirational to offer but I won't let that stop me from at least telling you that we love having you as a poster on these forums and are wishing you a speedy recovery.

I think a dog would be a great idea. Dogs are about as close to perfect as anything in this world gets. Really. I've thought a lot about it, there really isn't anything bad about a dog. They are super loving, loyal, appreciative, enthusiastic, and happy. I used to think they were evolved beyond humans. I remember one acid trip when I was 18 I wrote a bunch of stuff down while I was peaking and the next morning I looked at it and it was mostly gibberish including "Animals are just people that are smart enough to have learned how to become animals". That and my hands were cut up because I had been so blown away by my kaleidoscope that I broke it open only to find out that it was just a piece of string, a marble, a short piece of colored straw, and 3 mirrors which had apparently broke and cut me. I still remember the horrible feeling of loss I had when I was just staring at that stuff in my hands wondering where the new universes of magic and color I had been convinced I was going to discover had disappeared to. I guess that's a lot like my marriage.

Anyway, excuse the trip down memory lane. Back to what matters. You and your D9 and your soon to be new perfect pet. That all sounds pretty good G. Keep us posted and hang in. smile
Posted By: job Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/31/17 01:34 AM
I hope that you can have a dog. Pugs are so cute and they don't get very big. I think you and your D will enjoy having a pet there to welcome you home each day and it will give your D some responsibility, i.e., care and feeding.

Hang in there and I hope the PT goes well for you.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/31/17 12:59 PM
Zues, thanks for dropping by. ANd sometimes just dropping by and saying what you did is like a big virtual hug, and right now that's really what I need. A hug. And a laugh, and I was really cracking up at your acid story. Sorry. But it was funny.

I believe animals are people who were smart enough to become animals, because I always said if I were to come back in another life, it would be as a dog.

Job, thank you, I hope when he comes to get the rent tomorrow I can have the conversation. I am nervous and I hope it goes positively in our direction. We truly need this in our lives. D9 said she would take care of the dog in the morning, so we shall see!

I saw IC again, we are getting what we can in before I get surgery and he goes on vacation. I told her a raw honest truth today that I am embarrassed of.

I am horribly envious of FF and his GF. Envious of FF that he didn't have to grieve me or miss me. That he was able to move on and find everything he was looking for in no time. I am envious of his GF because she got everything I had hoped to have with him. To be a part of his family, to spend time with his parents, be his date to the wedding and other family functions. To be with him and a part of his family. I am so jealous of her. I imagine him taking her to HHI like he did me and showing her all his favorite places and him sharing that with her and I am jealous. My IC understood my feelings completely. Sometimes I have to be honest about my feelings to get over them rather than to pretend like I don't have them because I shouldn't have them.

Oh, and exH called me on the way home from his game with MY volleyball team. I had PT tonight so I couldn't go. He called ot let me know they won all 3 games and he made a lot of the points. I was happy for my team while being sad for me and a little frustrated that I can't play and I need surgery and the ex gets to. It almost seems cruel. He also said he called to see how my PT went. So yeah, I am kind of jealous of him too.

One person I am not jealous of is his wife, lol. Seriously. Which is big, because at one point I was so jealous she got my husband, my family, the life I was supposed to have. But like my IC was saying tonight, he did me a favor. We were talking about the things D9 has been saying. She asked if she thinks I would have stayed with him if we were still together. I told her if the relationship wasn't causing more harm to our daughter if we were together, I would have stayed. I would have wanted to leave, but I would have stayed out of commitment. So the man did me a favor.

I needed to let that out. This stuff is happening for some sort of reason, I just don't know what it is yet.
Posted By: Maybell Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 07/31/17 02:24 PM
I love your attitude in that last line.

But I'm really sorry you're injured. I hope the surgery takes and that your healing goes really smoothly.

Why wouldn't you be jealous of FF and his GF? That seems pretty natural to me. I'm curious why that would embarrass you??

Good luck with the dog talk tomorrow. It's really nice to hear from you. I don't always post to you but I always enjoy reading your posts.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/04/17 12:12 PM
As I was about to post my sad pity party update, my landlord came to my door to get the rent. I asked for the dog. He pretty much said no. He said he was upset the neighbors got a dog and he raised their rent. He said he would think about it, but it doesn't seem like a go. It was like the one thing I was excited for.

I'm not doing so hot emotionally lately. (duh, right?) That dog was a light at the end of a tunnel. I cry most nights and I am soooooo tired all the time. I still go and GAL with friends but tonight is stay home in my PJ's night. I am not feeling social. Just tired. The lonliness is killer. The dog was really going to help with that for the both of us. I look forward to PT because it is human interaction and the closest I get to exercise. My job is going to an office doing very repetitive non-stimulating work. I really miss my patients and coworkers and teamwork. I miss having a partner. I am pretty much back to that awful place before I met FF. At least then I had my exercise.

I did have a birthday party thing last night. One of those wine and paint things. My cousin and I had dinner before hand. She is the one cheating on her H with a much older married man. I asked her some tough questions. He still loves his wife too....... they have been married for very long. I asked how she felt being the OW. She said she does have guilt. But it's easier to deal with because she never met her. She isn't so "real". It answered some things for me. I was probably never real for OWW. Took a long time to meet. I kind of hope she feels a little crappy now that she has met me and sees I am a decent human being.

It's very surreal learning the other side of things.

Maybell, thank you for stopping by. And for helping me feel normal. I am really jealous of the both of them for different reasons, but I do think it's a valid feeling. I have been feeling a lot of envy lately. I do my best to go back and reflect on what I do have, like most of my health, my healthy daughter, job, and all that stuff. But somedays I am just envious that I can't have those things others have that I crave so much. I never really envied material things in my life. I have only envied certain types of connections and relationships. I guess my envy is embarrassing because I sound like a pouty brat who wants something she can't have. And I want to be all "you don't want me, I don't care" but I am really not that way. I am awfully sad he doesn't want me, he wants her, and it does affect me.

I always read your posts too, although I don't always post back. I love how honest you are with everyone and yourself. I have a big respect for that. And your R with your guy, well, it's pretty awesome. how you work through differences, you do have them and don't ignore them. You guys have a real, solid relationship. Keep posting, because I enjoy it as well.
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/09/17 07:38 AM
Short update.

I actually typed up a whole post complaining and I erased it. Who wants to listen to Debbie downer? No one I am sure.

I found my volunteer work for my last class before I graduate. I only need 3 weeks, but I had to give a year commitment to 3 hours a week for a year. It's a hospice. The woman really liked me probably because I was a hospice nurse and I know how hospice works. Good news? I think it would be nice to connect and help people again. bad news? I don't know how well I can stick to that commitment. I explained I have a child and she said in home hospice she can't come, but the rules can be bent for hospice in facilities if the families agree, so she will try to connect me with families in facilities. I think it would be a good experience for D9 when she has to come along and I think she would bring some great joy to hospice patients.

I go through without complaining. Yay me.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/09/17 08:08 AM
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
I actually typed up a whole post complaining and I erased it. Who wants to listen to Debbie downer? No one I am sure.


Ginger,

Everyone wants to listen to Debbie Downer. All you have to do is start your post with "Free booze and pizza..."
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/10/17 12:30 AM


Ok, if you're not going to complain, then I'll hijack your thread and air my own complaints.

A couple of weeks ago, my British neighbor sent me an email that said, "Whilst I'm on holiday with the family in England, would you please mow my lawn." I told him I'd mow his lawn, and I did. Next he asked me to water his plants and get his mail. Then, he wanted me to take his garbage out. Then he starts calling me Hobson. That's when I realized that he thinks I'm his butler. I know he's probably going to ask me to bake some fresh spotted dick for his return from holiday. I'm not going to bake any spotted dick; that's going too far.

I feel like he's lost all respect for me. I think I'm going to go dark and just treat him like a neighbor. Should I go completely dark or just somewhat dark? Do you think I should say hi to him when I see him or should I just wave?

I never should've mowed his lawn. I knew it would come to this. I'd rather be called Jeeves. Hobson sounds like a dimwitted name. I don't like being treated like a servant. I'm a mess.
Posted By: Treasur Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/10/17 02:55 AM
I'm sorry, doodler, but as an Englishwoman, surely you know the protocol is to fester in silent resentment for several years and buy them very tiny Christmas cards?
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/10/17 03:22 AM
Originally Posted By: Treasur
I'm sorry, doodler, but as an Englishwoman, surely you know the protocol is to fester in silent resentment for several years and buy them very tiny Christmas cards?


Treasur,

Thank you! That gives me hope for my situation. I can make tiny Christmas cards for him and give him one on a weekly basis until Christmas. And, I think I'll plan something special for Guy Fawkes Day.

I'm feeling better now.
Posted By: AndrewP Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/10/17 04:34 AM
And practice how you'll talk to him by watching old episodes of Jeeves and Wooster.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/10/17 05:38 AM
AndrewP,

I'll have to watch a few episodes of "Jeeves and Wooster." I didn't know anything about it. I love British humor (or humour - Brits don't know how to spell).
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/10/17 07:49 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler


Ok, if you're not going to complain, then I'll hijack your thread and air my own complaints.

A couple of weeks ago, my British neighbor sent me an email that said, "Whilst I'm on holiday with the family in England, would you please mow my lawn." I told him I'd mow his lawn, and I did. Next he asked me to water his plants and get his mail. Then, he wanted me to take his garbage out. Then he starts calling me Hobson. That's when I realized that he thinks I'm his butler. I know he's probably going to ask me to bake some fresh spotted dick for his return from holiday. I'm not going to bake any spotted dick; that's going too far.

I feel like he's lost all respect for me. I think I'm going to go dark and just treat him like a neighbor. Should I go completely dark or just somewhat dark? Do you think I should say hi to him when I see him or should I just wave?

I never should've mowed his lawn. I knew it would come to this. I'd rather be called Jeeves. Hobson sounds like a dimwitted name. I don't like being treated like a servant. I'm a mess.



Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome right here. Mowing the neighbors lawn? getting his mail?

Seems as if he is having his spotted dick and eating it too.
Posted By: job Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/10/17 08:54 AM
doodler,

I hear you on the neighbor and the things that he is coming up with. I was put in a similar situation earlier this summer, but I nipped it in the bud very quickly and yet, the neighbor had the nerve to call and leave me a message today to remind me that he's going to be out of town for the eclipse and would I please still take care of his dog and bring him to my house to play in the yard while he's gone, get his mail and check on his house. The funny things is that I called and left a message 2 1/2 weeks ago that I was not going to be doing this stuff as I had relatives coming into town and would not be around to do this stuff for him. Keep in mind, I only know him and his mother in passing. Give them an inch, and they most certainly will take a mile.

My advice, just wave and keep on going. No need to stop and chat up the person.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/10/17 11:22 PM
Job,

Actually, the story about my British neighbor was only partially true. The intent was to provide a humorous, somewhat fictional, anecdote to get Ginger to come out of hiding and air her complaints. I know she's had a difficult time lately.

My British neighbor did go to England with his family and he did ask me to mow his land and I did mow his lawn. But the rest was pure fiction. We're good friends and he doesn't call me Hobson (as far as I know). He and his wife are English professors and I do give him hard time about that (the fact that they let a foreigner teach English).
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/10/17 11:22 PM
land = lawn
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/11/17 12:20 AM
Originally Posted By: doodler
Job,

Actually, the story about my British neighbor was only partially true. The intent was to provide a humorous, somewhat fictional, anecdote to get Ginger to come out of hiding and air her complaints. I know she's had a difficult time lately.

My British neighbor did go to England with his family and he did ask me to mow his land and I did mow his lawn. But the rest was pure fiction. We're good friends and he doesn't call me Hobson (as far as I know). He and his wife are English professors and I do give him hard time about that (the fact that they let a foreigner teach English).



You absolutely succeeded in making me laugh. And thinking about spotted dick.

Yeah, I am struggling, but I hate complaining. I did so to my IC though. She is worried about me. She knows me to always be able to get out of this slump by being proactive and she is afraid I am giving up on the things I want in life. She said When I get low, I always find A, B, and C to do, and I pull myself up. I told her it's the fact I can't physically do A,B,and C anymore and I've got nothing.

I am greatly unstimulated. That is my problem. I do not feel "alive". Exercise reminded me I am alive. Now I go to work and work a repetitive job. I get my D9, cook her dinner, get her to cheerleading and go to PT. I come home, get her to bed, do some chores and watch my stupid show alone, eventually just go to bed because I am lonely and bored.

I don't mind the mundane stuff in life. it's life. But doing it all alone is killer. Yes, I miss human physical touch and mental touch. Vigorous exercise is the only way I feel remember I am alive. I can't even have a dog to cuddle with and play with and show me some uconditional love.

There, I let out my complaining. I don't feel like a woman lately. Don't worry, I don't feel like a man either. I feel like I live outside of my body sometimes. Maybe I am just crazy.

I had a vivid dream about FF and his GF the other night. I actually woke up yelling a them. They were in front of me hugging and all that stuff and I was trying to escape it. I realize it is a matter of PTSD from my ex's affair. When I have to see a guy I cared for with someone else even if they didn't cheat, it triggers me awfully.

I am a mess basically. But I am sure I will unmess myself soon.

ahhhhhhhh, that kind of felt good even though I am a little pathetic.
Posted By: job Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/11/17 12:42 AM
Ginger,

I am so sorry that you are feeling very down right now. Being a solo parent isn't easy and if you are in a repetitive type of position, that can eventually get very boring w/o mind stimulation. What would you consider to be an ideal job for you? What type of "mind" stimulation would be a good fit for you? Maybe it's time to think about doing something totally different.

I also think your recent injury has brought on a bit of depression because you can't go out and do the things you were doing. You feel stuck. It's time to think outside the box and find something that you can do that doesn't involve being "physically" challenged until you are healed. I am not familiar with the area that you live in, but there has to be some activities, such as wine and painting classes and yes, you can even take your daughter w/you and she can paint too. I have found this type of activity to be fun and you can meet some really nice people. Have you considered looking up meetings for parents w/o partners? They do some really cool things and it's another good way to meet people. I'm throwing out things that may give you something to think about.

Ginger, we are here for you. There is no shame in airing your complaints. Your complaints are valid and hopefully we can help you figure out some new things to do while you recover from your injury. Give yourself time to heal. I know you are very frustrated right now...but your body is telling you it needs some down time.

Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: doodler Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/11/17 02:38 AM
Ginger,

I'm glad you got some of the crud out of your system. I understand some of what you're going through. The past few weeks I've had trouble staying focused on my tasks and projects; I haven't had the passion I usually have. But, I'm sure it'll return.

Hang in there, it'll get better.

Gotta run; my neighbor wants me to vacuum his house...
Posted By: Ginger1 Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/11/17 05:04 AM
Originally Posted By: job
Ginger,

I am so sorry that you are feeling very down right now. Being a solo parent isn't easy and if you are in a repetitive type of position, that can eventually get very boring w/o mind stimulation. What would you consider to be an ideal job for you? What type of "mind" stimulation would be a good fit for you? Maybe it's time to think about doing something totally different.

I also think your recent injury has brought on a bit of depression because you can't go out and do the things you were doing. You feel stuck. It's time to think outside the box and find something that you can do that doesn't involve being "physically" challenged until you are healed. I am not familiar with the area that you live in, but there has to be some activities, such as wine and painting classes and yes, you can even take your daughter w/you and she can paint too. I have found this type of activity to be fun and you can meet some really nice people. Have you considered looking up meetings for parents w/o partners? They do some really cool things and it's another good way to meet people. I'm throwing out things that may give you something to think about.

Ginger, we are here for you. There is no shame in airing your complaints. Your complaints are valid and hopefully we can help you figure out some new things to do while you recover from your injury. Give yourself time to heal. I know you are very frustrated right now...but your body is telling you it needs some down time.

Please take care of yourself.


Thank you Job. If I am completely honest, I never expected to be a single parent, and then when it happened, I never thought it would last this long. I thought someone would be in our lives and actually stay. I don't need the physical help, it's more of the emotional support. Emotionally doing this on my own has been the hardest. To have someone was around, who cared, who gave me a hug, well, that made a world of a difference in my life. I am capable of caring for myself, but I want someone to take care of me sometimes. And I know how great it could be.

Yes, not being able to be physical has dragged me down. I actually went ot a paint and sip for a birthday party last week, it was a lot of fun. I have done it with D9 once, it was a special Mommy and me class and we each made one that goes together. It hangs in our bathroom. We have a pottery painting place around the corner and we have done that a bunch of times. I spend time with my friends, I went out to dinner with a close one last night. It was really nice. I am visiting my friends up in CT this weekend.My volleyball was my way of getting out there and socializing and it really picked me up. I felt like me again.

As far as the work situation. I cannot leave my job. I get paid too well for what I do, I would have to take a huge pay cut and my schedule would be unmanageable if I went back to the hospital. I have what I need for my daughter here. It would be a bad decisions for us for me to give it up. I'm backed in a corner. I have to make this decision as a single mother.

I am really trying. I have been really trying for so many years. I go after what I want, I make the best of my situations but I feel like I am always going backwards. And that's when I feel like just giving up.

To add to it, I am very civil and kind to ex and his W. But things still trigger me. Every time we are talking about our daughter, and he says "we" got her this, or "we" have her that weekend, the "we" he is referring to is him and his wife. and it is in the context of my daughter. And it gets under my skin like you wouldn't believe. I don't say anything, but it is a huge trigger. My heart literally races when he does that.

I am on a roll, aren't I? Thank you guys for being here for me.
Posted By: JujuB Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/11/17 09:52 AM
Being injured [censored]. Especially during a time when you need exercice to make you feel good. I know how you feel cause i felt the same when i fractured my ankle last year.

Regarding your ex, i bet he is jealous of your life as a single woman that can date and go out and do what she wants without having to answer to any one. I would be willing to bet money on that.

You have a lot going for you ginger. And honestly, you dont need a relationship to be complete. Maybe view it as all these adventures and potentials... there is fun to dating as well no? Maybe refocus on that.
Posted By: job Re: like a drifter I was born to walk alone - 08/11/17 10:12 AM
Ginger,

I think you need to continue to vent on your new thread and call it "The Vent Fest". You need a safe place to do so and this is the place. Even though you talk about things, you still have a lot of bottled up frustration, disappointment, anger, etc. You need to get it all out there.

Have fun w/your friends in CT. Try to relax and enjoy the time away.

New Thread:

Vent Fest

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