Hello! *waves*
I'm over here from Newcomers. I don't think I really fit there any more, so I've made my way over here.
Here is my previous thread, in case you're curious:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2736569&page=1
Starting on a positive note, this was my last post from my old thread:
'Another update from me.
It's been a good while, but I went back to the gym. Oh my heavens above, it felt amazing!
I didn't go overboard (also because I hurt my back quite badly a few years ago). Just half an hour rowing and 15 minutes cycling at the 'slightly out of breath but still able to hold a conversation if I had to' pace.
Slept so, so well that night too.
Back is a bit sore and stiff, but nothing hurting. I'll go back and do the same routine a couple of times before adding in some weights.
I'm loving it, it feels like a very positive thing to be doing for myself.'
And here's where I'm at now:
Also, one of my closest friends who has been helping me through all of this, suggested I go on some dates a while back.
Needless to say, I was very, very reluctant to do so. But after a bit, I did.
Interesting. I was surprised at how much I was able to stand back from it all and how quickly I was able to get a handle on what someone was all about. I guess that's the difference between dating in your early/mid 20s and then meeting people pretty much 20 years on from that, with a whole load of life experience.
It was also interesting how dating is different now than it was 20 odd years ago. Then, if you were going 'out on a date' it was a pretty big deal. I remember knowing that you went on a date with the intention of it leading somewhere else (more serious, like a relationship). And you would only date one person at a time. Now, it seems a lot less serious, more of a just a chat and get to know you a bit more type thing. And you might not be dating just one person exclusively. To get my head round that all took a little time, and chatting with my friend.
I also found it interesting in that it showed me pretty quickly what's important to me and what I don't particularly like/am looking for/want. A few things caught me unawares, and I was a bit surprised by them, but it's good to be conscious of them I guess. Self awareness is always a good thing
I kind of knew all along that I like people who were fairly independent. I am that way too. I don't like the idea of being with someone *all* the time, I think I would find that pretty suffocating. I like to do my own things too and would hope that someone else was the same. Some shared interests, but some interests independent of each other. I guess the important thing in this case, being like this, is to make sure that you keep the connection with the other person alive. I reckon this is the mistake (one of them, one of the big ones) I made in my M.
I hadn't realised how important (and attractive) it was for me for someone to have a great deal of presence, be it physical, spiritual or emotional. And along with that presence, self awareness as well. I guess I believe that self awareness brings a certain amount of stillness and strength with it, and I find those things very appealing - especially after all the drama of the past 6 years (WH's MLC included, along with the usual life stuff that happens).
I guess, all in all, I was pretty shocked at how old, worn out and tired some of the gentlemen of my own age looked. I don't know what I was expecting, but so many of them *look* old. I couldn't see myself going out with them. So clearly someone who looks after themselves and a certain amount of youthfulness is also appealing to me.
Anyway, it's been very interesting how much I've learnt about myself in going out on a handful of dates. I do feel in a much better, stronger position within myself, more confident too.
I guess, all in all, I was pretty shocked at how old, worn out and tired some of the gentlemen of my own age looked. I don't know what I was expecting, but so many of them *look* old. I couldn't see myself going out with them. So clearly someone who looks after themselves and a certain amount of youthfulness is also appealing to me.
focus22,
I guess the welcoming committee hasn't arrived yet. Welcome! I remember your name from the newcomers forum.
I'm a bit older than you, and when I started dating, I was surprised at what I found. It reminded me of the old adage, "rode hard and put up wet." But I think there are some gems out there as well.
Hey Focus! Good to see you here!
I guess, all in all, I was pretty shocked at how old, worn out and tired some of the gentlemen of my own age looked. I don't know what I was expecting, but so many of them *look* old. I couldn't see myself going out with them. So clearly someone who looks after themselves and a certain amount of youthfulness is also appealing to me.
focus22,
I guess the welcoming committee hasn't arrived yet. Welcome! I remember your name from the newcomers forum.
I'm a bit older than you, and when I started dating, I was surprised at what I found. It reminded me of the old adage, "rode hard and put up wet." But I think there are some gems out there as well.
Hey doodler! Thanks for stopping by, appreciate it.
Had to look that one up, as I'd never heard it before...lol!
It's been an education, for sure :o)
I'm also pleasantly surprised at how relaxed I've been about it all. From being someone who
really wanted other people to like me, and to feel validated by being with someone else, I've discovered that I'm now much less concerned with all of that. I would even go so far as to say that I'm not particularly bothered if someone doesn't like me. If you knew e before, you'd know what a transformation that was.
I've also become much more interested in seeing what other people have to offer (not just talking dating here, but friendships too).
I don't know, but I'd say that it
feels like the worst has past. Six months and a year after WH left were definitely milestones and turning points. The six month point was last spring, and it felt like it coincided with some new shoots growing in my life too. A year was a turning point too, more like the close of something, a natural end.
Anyway, I'd say I'm feeling good about my life at the moment, and about the choices I'm making. They feel like positive choices for me, for now and for the future.
We'll see. One thing I'm learning is that there are always surprises in store. And those surprises give you the chance (the gift) of being able to examine some of your attitudes and preconceptions.
Hey Focus! Good to see you here!
Hey Jeep! Thanks for stopping by. Hope you're well today
Doing awesome! Sun is shining and my kids...how could it get any better?
Say, if you want to join our crew of db misfits, feel free.
Doing awesome! Sun is shining and my kids...how could it get any better?
Say, if you want to join our crew of db misfits, feel free.
Ah, lovely! What have you got planned for today? And the weekend?
Unfortunately, working. This weekend something with the kiddos before they go to their mom's on spring break. UGH.
You? What are your plans?
Friday is a busy day for me. I've got two lots of freelance work on, which means a 13 hour day (but I love it).
Saturday is a studio day for me, and maybe the gym in the evening. Sunday...not sure yet.
I've still got lots of sorting out to do in my house. I'm nearing the end of sorting through clothes soon, and I've moved on to bags as well. I know it's taking me absolutely ages, but I'm doing it all quite mindfully, which is taking quite a lot of time and energy.
I'm reading Marie Kondo's second book as I'm doing it all. Her whole philosophy is that you only keep things that 'spark joy' in your home. So you pick things up, one thing at a time and tune into the feeling it gives you. I've tried everything on as I've been going through this process, all the clothes, shoes and bags that have been in my cupboards and drawers, to see how they make me feel, to see if they 'spark joy' in me.
I think I've become much more attuned to tapping into how things make me feel now that I've been doing it for a while, which makes me think I could quite easily go another round of going through things again soon, starting from where I first started.
I'd like to live a little lighter and be a little more intentional with my purchases in future.
Never one for doing things half way me...lol!
I've still got lots of sorting out to do in my house. I'm nearing the end of sorting through clothes soon, and I've moved on to bags as well. I know it's taking me absolutely ages, but I'm doing it all quite mindfully, which is taking quite a lot of time and energy.
Good grief I know the feeling. With the kids I have precious little time to normal cleaning, much less anything else. But I don't complain one bit. The weekends they are at their mom's is cleaning time that we don't do otherwise.
Marie Kondo's second book
Interesting. I will look into it.
I think I've become much more attuned to tapping into how things make me feel now that I've been doing it for a while, which makes me think I could quite easily go another round of going through things again soon, starting from where I first started.
From what I can tell on here, it seems as what you are doing is working for you! Good on ya!
I'm absolutely loving it, Jeep. Feels like I'm becoming the person I really should be, at last.
I'm absolutely loving it, Jeep. Feels like I'm becoming the person I really should be, at last.
If we had better emoticons on here, I'd give you a jumping for joy one. That is so awesome to hear!
I've still got lots of sorting out to do in my house. I'm nearing the end of sorting through clothes soon, and I've moved on to bags as well. I know it's taking me absolutely ages, but I'm doing it all quite mindfully, which is taking quite a lot of time and energy.
Good grief I know the feeling. With the kids I have precious little time to normal cleaning, much less anything else. But I don't complain one bit. The weekends they are at their mom's is cleaning time that we don't do otherwise.
It's strange, a while back I suddenly started wondering how I ever had enough time and energy for a husband :o)
I mean, I know there have been times when I've deliberately made sure I was very busy just to fill up the time and so I didn't have to think about things (or feel things related to this whole process). But there have also been a few times when I genuinely wondered how I had the time and energy for a H and a M. There was no feeling attached to that thought, no sadness, heaviness or nostalgia...just quite a neutral observation and curiosity. Very weird.
Marie Kondo's second book
Interesting. I will look into it.
Did I mention what it was called? 'Spark Joy'. I'm a bit of a hippy at heart (upbringing), so the whole 'tapping into the feelings something gives you' is right up my street.
I've just never really explored it with material possessions before. I think I used to get very attached to material things, mostly as a way of trying to fight against loss and as a way of thinking I could gain some sort of control over 'life' and 'life stuff'.
Of course, all of that is an illusion really. You can't control 'life' or protect yourself against 'life stuff' (a lot of which is to do with loss). That's what's been really brought home to me in this whole process. So in my usual way, instead of running away from all of that, I've gone head first into it.
If something makes you feel frightened or uncomfortable, you don't run away from it, right? Because then it has power over you. You stand up tall, hold your head high, look straight ahead, and then start to
really look at it, take it apart, examine it, a little piece at a time. You feel the feelings associated with that slow examination, observe them for what they are, observe them changing and shifting, at times subtle and mercurial as they may be. And you let them go.
I would say all of that though, the hippy that I am. But hey ho, I've not found another way through this (for now). There may be other ways through this, I don't know. I'd be up for finding out what they are though. I'm always curious.
I think I've become much more attuned to tapping into how things make me feel now that I've been doing it for a while, which makes me think I could quite easily go another round of going through things again soon, starting from where I first started.
From what I can tell on here, it seems as what you are doing is working for you! Good on ya!
Thank you. I'm absolutely loving this. Admittedly not
all of the time, but there's nothing there that I'm not enjoying finding out about myself. I'm not sugar coating stuff about myself to myself, I know there are some not so wonderful things there. But everyone has those, so that makes me the same as everyone else really. It's just that mine are peculiar to me, and that's what makes me me.
I think I'm learning to be comfortable in my own self. And that's probably the first time it's happened in my life. It makes me feel a bit sad that I should have to have gotten to pretty much 47 years old (and an M/D) to have
just started to find this state of being. But it feels like a very nice play to be, it feels peaceful and like you're standing on solid ground within yourself (a feeling I've never really had in my life...I've grown up with a huge amount of insecurity on many fronts).
So I'm going to explore this more.
Well, some shocking news...
For the two year leading up to the October 2015 ILTBINILWY I was involved in a court case against one of my work colleagues (court cases are fairly unusual in the UK).
The guy eventually pled guilty and was sentenced at the very end of August 2015, six weeks before STBXH left.
The whole court case contributed hugely to the stress I was feeling at that time, along with (what I now see as) the ever disintegrating state of affairs in my M.
Anyway, I found out a couple of days ago that the guy I took to court has died. He was only 31.
My first thought was suicide, but it was apparently from complications to do with his type 1 diabetes...multiple organ failure.
I feel in shock. I'm still processing it all.
Well, I thought I'd give you all a bit of a laugh with some of the dates I went on.
I'm also a bit angry about something I've just found out from one of my closest friends.
Anyway, here we go...
I went out a few times with a guy. Have to say, when I first met him, I felt instantly kinda disappointed. He just looked a bit worn out and unlooked after. Not in a 'I haven't ironed my clothes' sort of way, more in a kind of 'not eating properly and not getting some exercise' kind of way.
Anyway, we had *loads* in common and he seemed fairly open - especially about some difficult experiences he'd been through. That, I thought was a positive: a man who had lived through some hard times and wasn't afraid to talk about them. A bit of a relief after WH/STBXH, I thought, who couldn't talk about anything at all without visibly stiffening.
We went out a bit. And then some alarm bells started ringing: he was *very* full on, he was almost over eager to please me, there was *a lot* of alcohol involved, he also smoked a lot, he wanted me to spend all my time with him. He also made plans for me on my behalf, made decisions for me without asking me.
Now, I have to say, I'm a fairly independent sort. I like to make my own mind up about things, I like my life and I like my work. And having someone be so full on and overwhelming made me feel *incredibly* claustrophobic.
He would also really lose it sometimes. At first it was just in his house. Then it was out in the street. And then he would somehow get me to lose it at him (which I never, ever do with people. Losing it is really a last resort for me, and if I get to that stage with someone there's usually no coming back from it).
I was confused and humiliated by how I was behaving and how quickly I'd seemed to reach that point.
The thing I found out...one of my closest friends got married. It was a very small wedding and I was one of a couple of girlfriend guests she had invited. I was incredibly honoured. I thought it might be fun to go with him as my plus one, and my friend was more than OK with this.
He scrubbed up really well. We had a lovely day. I was overwhelmed for my friend, and so happy for her (in spite of all the crap that's gone on in my life, I was genuinely overjoyed for her).
The meal was pared with a specific whisky for each course. It was *delicious*. Anything we didn't drink we could take home with us in a tiny little glass jar provided by the venue. I only managed about 2 of my whiskies and took home the rest (another 2 or 3). I was a little bit tipsy, but in total control of my faculties.
He drank all of his and - I have just discovered this afternoon - took home the ones that had been left by the groom and put into little glass jars for the groom to take home.
Not only did my friend notice, but some of her other guests noticed. She just told me this today. I am beyond angry and incredibly mortified.
I hadn't spoken to this guy for a bit. I couldn't deal with everything he was throwing at me, especially after such a few times going out. Now I never want to see him again. What utterly selfish, arrogant and self entitled behaviour.
I'm only now beginning to understand why I was attracted to him, and the similarities he had to WH/STBXH (except this guy was worse I think).
How depressing. How totally and utterly depressing.
Hopefully I'll be able to laugh about it at some point.
Laugh today focus
And welcome, I left a cake for you as a welcome gift. Carrot cake.
V
My friend, thankfully, is OK with it all.
She thinks I had a very lucky escape. I do too.
The thing I'm most glad and grateful for of is that she's OK with it. She's a friend in a million, for sure. I feel very lucky.
Don't worry a page boy picked his nose scratched his nethers and didn't wash his hands before using his finger to stir the mix.
V
Don't worry a page boy picked his nose scratched his nethers and didn't wash his hands before using his finger to stir the mix.
V
Ha ha ha! Brilliant...thank you!!
Back at the gym last night and played around with the resistance on the rowing machine and cycle: cranked it up for a bit and worked harder, then lowered it for a bit.
I think next time I go, I'll do a quick, full pelt type workout. Then the time after, go back to longer and easier going.
Am loving this.
Sorry I'm not so good at commenting on other's posts. I know that makes me come across as a bit self obsessed.
I do read a lot (particularly on this part of the forum), but can't think of much good, positive, constructive advice to give.
I thought I'd write about another one of the dates I went on at the very start of the year...just as a laugh.
So, got chatting to someone on line. He worked in a similar type of environment to me, so it was familiar to me, plus he looked very handsome.
Arranged to have a drink after I finished work one evening. Turned up, but he was really pretty late. I was at the getting hacked off stage by then. Oh well, give someone a chance, I thought. But no apology, no offer to buy me a drink as a way to say sorry...nothing. He came across as pretty disinterested in me. Like, if I'd been someone else, it wouldn't have made any difference at all to him. I felt pretty bored and was starting to wonder how little I could stay without seeming rude.
He went out for a smoke. Disappeared for ages...I mean, we're talking 20 minutes or more. I was left standing in a busy bar. Got chatted up by another guy during that time, which was quite funny.
Anyway, I decided just to leave at that point, sneak away, and asked the barman if there was another door apart from the front door I could go out. Explained the situation and had a bit of a laugh with him and the others behind the bar about it. No luck on the door front though, there was only the front door.
As I was trying to sneak out, he walked back in, and we practically walked into each other. That was quite funny. He convinced me to stay...there was a moment of genuine feeling there, so I did stay.
He rabbited on for another while. We had differing opinions about a lot of things, which I also found quite funny. But I found him hard and unreachable, locked in himself.
I said I was heading home, and he walked me 10 minutes along the road home. He kissed me and made it pretty clear he wanted me to invite him up to my house. I made it pretty clear that was never going to happen. It all felt pretty cold and empty, lacking in any sort of warmth or connection whatsoever, and I'm pretty sensitive to the vibe that's going on with other people.
He said he felt like he'd been teased. At which point I just walked off.
20 years ago I would have probably gone along with things, or felt really crushed if someone had 'rejected' me.
Now? It's more like, yeah, OK, on you go.
I got home, made myself a cup of tea, had a laugh to myself about the whole thing, and went to bed.
Can I share something with you guys?
I've never been a runner (in a sports kind of way), but there's always been something about the mentality of what I think might be involved that has drawn me to it over the years...for many years.
So the other evening, after a crazy 13 hour day, I jogged/walked home. It was mostly walking, for sure, interspersed with a little jogging. But I kind of thought I might like to try more.
Last night I looked up beginners running plans. I'm starting *real* slow, I don't think I can even run for two minutes, so first time I'm going to alternate 30 seconds running with 30 seconds walking. See how it goes from there.
In my secret heart of hearts I'd love to run a marathon. I've never, ever said that to anyone before. I know it's a long way. I don't think I could even walk that far in a day at this point. But other people do it, so surely I could too?
Absolutely. I was training for my first half marathon when DDay happened, and I think it saved my life. I had always sworn I would never run, but now it's my favorite form of relief (when I can make time to do it).
Be sure you get a good training program (I ran with an app on my phone) and follow a nutritional plan, it makes an ENORMOUS difference. A buddy helps a lot too. My buddy was on the west coast while I was on the east coast -- we had signed up for a race in a destination location to run together.
Running is a huge sport in my town so there is also a club I was able to join to learn about things like pacing, form, etc., and it was nice for a time to run with the group and watch myself improve.
That's an outstanding goal, keep us posted how you're progressing!
PS, start with small manageable goals, like completing a 5K, then completing a 5K without walking, then completing the 5K within a certain amount of time, etc. It's not necessary to aim to be super speedy but it's helpful when you want to move your running distances up. I went from never having run at all to finishing a half-marathon with a respectable time in about 8 months.
Hi Focus,
I started running using podcasts, the Guardian newspaper has a good one for novices, and within a few months I was doing 5/10km races. Go for it, it is a great change. I haven't done more than 21km yet but who knows? I'm glad to see you are doing well.
Hi Maybell, Scrant
Thank you for your words of encouragement!
It's all just a vague idea at the moment. I can't even run a mile without stopping quite a lot, so I've a long, long, long way to go
That said, I like setting myself huge, very long terms goals. And I'm happy chipping away at them. I'm super ambitious, but I don't have to get to the 'end point' (whatever that may be) right now. I'm more about really living and the process and how it makes me feel.
So last night on my way home from work, I did the same 30 second jog, 30 second walk thing I did the other night. I'm starting to understand how it works a bit more, and where I might be able to push a little harder at some future point.
I'm not back at that job for a while, but this morning I mapped out a couple of other mile long routes round/near my house I can do the same 30 jog, 30 second run for.
I'm also back at sorting my house/clothes. Done another small chunk this morning.
I think that's the thing that has the most benefit for me. Not doing a whole day tidy up/clear out, but a small chunk each day. That helps me feel like Im making consistent progress and makes me feel good.
I went to WH's/STBXH's FB page to see if he'd posted anything about the birth, or if anyone else had posted anything. She was due April (I'm not exactly sure when), but nothing, and nobody else has posted anything at all. Who knows.
It did flash through my mind that I could get a copy of the birth certificate and divorce him for adultery. But can I be bothered to go to those lengths? It's time and energy I could be spending on myself,
Ach, as usual, who knows. I don't know, for sure.
For now, I'm happy carrying on as I am.
I'll post another date story, just to give you a laugh...
So, it must have been December, I went on a couple of dates with a lawyer.
Online chat was quite good, he was clearly an intelligent guy and interested in some of the same things as me.
The *split second* I saw him though, I knew there was absolutely no spark. Anyway, we had a drink after I finished work evening, and we had a nice enough time. He seemed fairly straight forward and down to earth. I was happy chatting back to him.
Except when we came to go he asked if he could come round to my house to call a taxi. Seriously, who would ask something like that on a first date? When you've never met the person before?
Anyway, I said no. He was obviously embarrassed as heck and couldn't wait to dash away. I didn't want him going away feeling so bad, so I deliberately walked a little slower and chatted a bit more.
He took me out for lunch a week or so later, and I started to get the impression he was treating me like some sort of exotic object of curiosity (difference in lifestyles: high up lawyer with a passion for the arts, and starving artist). He was also keen to impress on me how well he was doing, and how well off he was. Not in a boastful way, but in a 'I can make your life much easier than it obviously is' sort of way.
There was still no spark at all. Actually, his whole attitude started to make me feel like I wanted to shrink back away from him.
So that was that.
Except a couple of weeks after, he turned up at my work one evening. I found him sitting in the bar, deep in conversation with a woman.
It was all very bizarre. My work was a train and underground journey away for him, there's no way he would have been 'just passing' and decided to 'pop in' for a quick drink. They were definitely out on a date.
And that really was that...
Hmm, so I take that back.
I had a little ratch about STBXWH's FB page, and buried in there there was a post from one of his newer work colleagues (who I'm not sure if he knows that we were/are married) congratulating him on his child.
How do I feel? Nothing much at the moment. I don't know if it's still to hit me or not. But at the moment, I feel nothing.
I was more upset back in mid December when I found out OW was pregnant. I remember feeling *really* shocked and upset then.
I have felt very tired and a little bit drained today. A little bit low too. I think that's because I've been working quite hard though, and today is the first day in a while I've stopped.
I'm obviously still processing things. Since I wrote that, I had a nightmare the night I found out.
Funny thing, was my nightmare wasn't anything to do with him, or her, but todo with losing the good things that are in my life *right now*.
Then I've had dreams the following nights.
I'm back on sorting/tidying today as I've noticed that always makes me feel better.
I've also become aware that I'm finding it difficult to finish sorting/tidying a particular section (be it clothes, bags, a particular cupboard, or whatever).
I'm feeling everything is two thirds there, but not quite finished. I'm managing the body of the work and the hard work, but can't quite get beyond that, to the point where I can sit back and enjoy what I've done...
Just checking in. Sorry I'm not too chatty on other threads. I do read as much as I can on this forum, I just don't have any words of wisdom or advice.
I've started running. I can only do a tiny amount so far. I started with 30 seconds jogging, 30 seconds walking.
I've stepped up to 45 seconds jogging, 30 seconds walking. At this rate, I could do a 5k in just about 30 minutes, but I'd like to take a big chunk of time off that. I know can do that quite easily with longer jogging times and less /shorter walking times.
60 seconds jogging, 30 seconds walking next week. Then I'll take 5 or 10 seconds off my recovery walk.
Did a little more house sorting this evening. Geesh, I still have so much stuff...
focus22,
I love running. I used to run for hours at a time. I'd get into the zone and just keep on going. I've been doing so many projects that I haven't had as much time to run lately, but I'll be ramping-up on my running soon.
Maybe you'll catch the running bug. It's good exercise and great way to relax and enjoy the outdoors.
Sounds like really good GAL -- keep it up! It will pay huge dividends if you stick with it.
Wow doodler...hours at a time?! I can't even run for a minute at the moment...lol!!
I'm enjoying doing it late at night. Then I get home, have a bath if I feel like it, and go to bed. It's really helping to tire me out and sleep deeply.
I've downloaded one of those free app, so I can keep track of how I'm doing/progressing.
Another dating story from me...
I went out a couple of times with someone in December.
We got on really well chatting online. He was really interested in art, photography etc, and was obviously intelligent too, so the conversation was good.
We arranged to meet up for a chat one evening after I finished work.
The *instant* I saw him, I knew there was absolutely no spark. Can you even get a negative spark? Well, it was like that.
He brought be a present, a Japanese art book. It was beautiful (a little too much, and too full on though).
Anyway, if I removed the thought of it being any sort of date from my mind, we got on OK, had a good chat.
Along with the negative spark thing, I got the tiniest inkling of being the 'artist performing monkey' for him, of being the 'arm candy bohemian'. He was someone who had a bit of a hankering for being a creative, but who had gone down another path (law) and had become very corporate. Not an issue for me, but the way he thought of me made me feel a bit uncomfortable.
He asked if he could come to my house to call a taxi (what the actual?), to which I said no. He became pretty embarrassed, and obviously wanted to get away as fast as he could. But I didn't want him leave feeling so bad, so I deliberately slowed my (our) walking pace down, and chatted totally normally, as if nothing had happened.
We went out for lunch a couple of weeks later, and I had the same impression of him.
I became totally engrossed in work (December was pretty darn busy), and he dropped off the radar.
Then, check this, he turns up in the bar attached to one of my part time jobs one evening, very obviously on a date with a woman. Now, there was absolutely no way he was just 'stopping by'. That place where I sometimes work was a train and a subway ride away for him - over an hour of travel for him.
But anyway, not a 'bad' person in anyway (although that last bit was a bit weird/creepy/full on). But it made me appreciate how important it is for me for there to be a lot of spark, and how I'm drawn to people (in general, but men also) who have a lot of presence in some way or another. It's part of the environment I've worked in for many years, so I'm very used to, and comfortable, being with people who are like that.
My STBXH had *a lot* of presence and was *very* charismatic. But I think I've realised in this whole process that that does not equate to other things that are important to me (maturity, confidence, self knowledge/awareness). I had somehow assumed that they went hand in had when I met my H, 18 years ago. But I was very young then, so, well, I can't blame myself for that.
Other news: nearing the end of working on my kitchen. Just a couple of minor things to sort before I can say I've finished overhauling one room! Finally! And I know that it will give me a lot of energy and impetus to carry on and finish the living room.
So, what's left: finish cleaning on top of the cupboards, clean inside food cupboards, hob cleaner on the ceramic hob, clean floor, wash windows and paint the walls.
I've also realised that this process is not just about letting go of the past (I think that's why I was finding it hard at times, and was feeling like I was being weighed down by it). But it's also about making the best future too. So in that mindset, it feels much easier.
Oh heck guys, I need your support...I'm all over the place.
A text this evening...about half an hour ago.
First contact since November (or there abouts).
Basic jist is that he says that he thinks I'll agree that our marriage has broken down irretrievably, and as a result if would be wise for us to start divorce proceedings.
Scots law: after one year of separation we can apply for divorce provided both parties agree and there are no children under 16.
Need to sort out financial matters, but should not be too difficult.
Sends me a links as to where to find more information.
Asks if I'm in agreement and he'll get things started.
Sooo, I'm a bit all over the place.
Child has been born (I know that).
I'm not going to say anything for the time being, until I work things out a bit in my head.
But at the moment, I just want to shout at him in caps that of course our M broke down irretrievably if he was off chasing other women.
I want to tell him in caps that there are no financial matters to sort out as the house if mine, so he can eff right off if that's what he's angling at.
I'm also thinking that I never, ever want to set eyes on him again.
And I'm also thinking that I'm not even going to bother answering.
I've got a crazy long day ahead of me tomorrow, 13 hours of work. I was starting to feel sleepy but now all I want to do is clean.
Weird thing is, I've never had that reaction to anything before in my life. But seriously, I want to get down on my knees and scrub the inside of the oven for all it's worth.
What's going on with me? I don't know if I've ever felt this angry.
Sorry to hear that Focus. Firstly, anger is energy that needs releasing. Hence the scrubbing urge...I guess your oven may be spotless now? (((Hugs)))
I'm in the UK too but different law here. So he could choose to file on a no fault basis? What works for you at this point? Sounds like he is seeking approval to move forward and hopes you may collaborate, so this feels like a mutual desire to D?
For me, I told XH that D wasn't my choice, but I wouldn't oppose if that were his choice and he did file. I have no regrets about letting him do the work, being cooperative & responding minimally and with Ls in the mix.
Best advice I can give? Release the emotion away from him & respond in a minimal way to him, though pleasant. Post here first if that helps..
Xx
Focus
Have you an L? Getting great L might be important.
Please don't assume team FHM will stay all yours, I am having the fight of my life to keep mine which I owned for 30 years before I met the Giggalo, my M was on
YouTube 9 months. I am in England though, Scots law can be different.
Protect yourself financially.
Big Hugs
V
Only not utube!
Autocorrect! And fat fingers....
V
Sorry to hear that Focus. Firstly, anger is energy that needs releasing. Hence the scrubbing urge...I guess your oven may be spotless now? (((Hugs)))
Lol...I've cleaned the cupboards now, on top, inside, out, cleaned inside the drawers, given more stuff to the charity shop, thrown out an old Christmas present that he bought me many years ago (bought last thing on Christmas Eve, already broken, and never fixed). Anyway, I'm enjoying my nice clean kitchen :o)
I'm in the UK too but different law here. So he could choose to file on a no fault basis? What works for you at this point? Sounds like he is seeking approval to move forward and hopes you may collaborate, so this feels like a mutual desire to D?
So, the way the law works here, you get divorced because of 'irretrievable breakdown'. And the reasons are:
* unreasonable behaviour
* adultery
* living separately for at least one year (this way of D has to be by mutual agreement)
* living separately for at least two years (this way of D can be without your spouse's agreement by this point)
For me, I told XH that D wasn't my choice, but I wouldn't oppose if that were his choice and he did file. I have no regrets about letting him do the work, being cooperative & responding minimally and with Ls in the mix.
Best advice I can give? Release the emotion away from him & respond in a minimal way to him, though pleasant. Post here first if that helps..
Xx
Thank you.
I'm letting the feelings just sit there for a while. I haven't answered yet.
I had a couple of thoughts though. I might say I'm thinking it over, but ask him to clarify what he means by the 'our financial matters' bit.
Focus
Have you an L? Getting great L might be important.
Please don't assume team FHM will stay all yours, I am having the fight of my life to keep mine which I owned for 30 years before I met the Giggalo, my M was on
YouTube 9 months. I am in England though, Scots law can be different.
Protect yourself financially.
Big Hugs
V
Thank you lovely V.
What's 'team FHM'?
I'll wait a bit longer (another week/couple of weeks?) before replying, and then say I'm thinking it over but ask him to clarify what he meant by the 'our financial matters' thing. And at that point I might go and speak to a lawyer?
Does that sound like it's reasonable/a good plan?
I had a L tell me I was very lucky as things were very straight forward: no children, no joint assets, no marital property (not even a joint bank account).
I have the smallest sneaking suspicion that he might offer to pay my mortgage off for me. Last time he texted (early November? Mid November?) he asked in a round about way how much was left on the mortgage.
Now, I know this is mind reading, but I'm wondering that he thinks that paying my mortgage off (not much at all, barely £3,000 at this point) will redress the balance of his crappy behaviour in some way, and so he can absolve himself as a result?
Also, we're really not that far off the living separately for two years mark, after which, according to Scots law, he could just divorce me, whether I agreed to it or not. So why not wait until then?
I really don't understand why he's got in touch now, instead of just waiting it out for another few months, and going ahead without having to get in touch with me?
Just stopping by with an update.
My house is starting to really take shape now. I'm starting to feel it's finally mine and sorted. Still a little more to do though.
Anyway, during the tidy up I found some medication that had fallen behind something.
I knew for sure it wasn't mine. And it had my STBXH's name on it, with a date (from late summer 2012).
It wasn't finished, the packet still had lots left in it.
I googled the name: vibramycin. It's an antibiotic that's used for treating certain bacterial infections, including chlamydia. He had reactive arthritis just before getting that medication. The causes of reactive arthritis are food poisoning or chlamydia. You don't get antibiotics if you've got food poisoning (please someone, correct me if I'm wrong).
So he got chlamydia from the 20 something year old girl he had a short PA with when he was working in Brazil shortly before (the timescales fit). And he didn't take all of his medication for it.
I thought he was a complete idiot for that.
Then it dawned on me, a couple of weeks after we started MR again, in July/August of the following year, I got a very bad UTI. Very bad. I had to get some strong antibios for it from the doctor.
I have a hunch he passed it on to me then, and it was dealt with by the antibiotics the doctor gave me, without me ever finding out what was actually wrong.
So then I got really angry. How can someone be so utterly stupid? To not take all of their medication and risk passing on their disease to someone else? I am just flabbergasted.
Anyway, I think I can go to my doctor and ask them to check my medical records from that date to see what the diagnosis actually was.
In other news, I still haven't answered the text he sent. I've been phenomenally busy with house stuff and work and, ya know, living my life.
I'm not sure how I feel about answering now. I don't think I ever want to have anything to do with him again with the stuff I've posted about above.
Door slam.
Wow, so the past few days have been interesting (for me).
The realisation that the UTI I had in July/August coincided with
* My gran dying in August (while my H was working away and I was staying with him). I was extremely close to her.
* The start of what was to develop into taking legal action against my ex work colleague for a sexual crime he committed on me. That took two years to resolve (in a court case, that was in the press as well).
* My struggling to keep our M together
* The start of what was a two year struggle (along with my neighbours) to get treatment for an extremely mentally ill neighbour we had. It ended with her setting fire to her flat and her landlord finally taking our concerns seriously
* Someone I had done business with running away with (what was for me) a lot of money and my seeking legal advice to try and redress the situation somehow.
All of that, that's a lot. And on top of that, I was possibly having to deal with the health consequences for me of one of his infidelities?
And then it dawned on me...I'm worth so, so, so much more than that.
That's the first time in all of this that I'd had that feeling.
Then I felt strong and dignified and coherent in a way that I can't ever remember feeling. I felt like I knew I'd found something really important.
So last night I had another dream.
I dreamt I was at his wedding. He was marrying OW. But she wasn't there (and they child wasn't there either). It was only him who was there.
I caught a glimpse of him, from behind, heading up a staircase, and just wanted to get away and be away from him.
I felt like I didn't want to be there (just very uncomfortable, not in pain or hysterical or anything like that.I knew that I just wanted to be physically removed from him and not see him).
Thankfully the house where all of this was taking place was fairly large (and old house, beautiful, quite grand, but still welcoming and a lived in, lively space, not a dead, empty one).
So I just headed out the big doors, onto the terrace, round the corner, and out of sight. It was late afternoon/early evening and an absolutely beautiful time of day. I felt nothing but relief and calm, and absolutely myself.
Checking in again.
Life is good.
I've been very busy with work of various sorts, and loving it all. I'm giving it all super positivity and it's really paying off. Both for myself, in terms of how I'm feeling about everything, but also from other people...they're really noticing the super positivity and responding to it in a big way. Not that I wasn't very positive before, I've just cranked it up a notch now.
I'm absolutely loving the changes I've made to my little house. My renovations are on hold for now. I'm about three quarters of the way there, but I'm having a super busy month with work, so I've sorted everything as much as I can to make it as nice as I can, for now, and then I'll get back to it.
Work in progress, eh? Just like life : o)
But yeah, I'm loving living in my little house. And also knowing that my mortgage is almost paid off. What a fantastic achievement for someone in their mid 40s who has lived a self employed/freelance life, never earning very much but doing work they absolutely love doing.
We're coming up to 2 years now, which is the point in our legal system where either of us can D without the other's consent. So I downloaded the papers. I'm letting them sit there for a while, so I can just live with it and get used to it.
One question has me a bit stressed out though. I have to write his address in. Or if I don't know, I have to write what reasonable means I've taken to try and find out.
I don't know where he's staying. I guess I'll just have to text him and ask. And then text again after a couple of weeks/a month if he doesn't answer. I think I'd really rather not though. I don't really ever want to speak to him again.
Anyway, other news. I've been seeing someone. He's the same age as me (one year older). He was M for a long time, but his W had an affair with her boss. He's been D for seven years. He has two grown up children.
I really like the choices he's made since he separated from his W and his D. We talked a bit about learning to get used to the trauma of it all and the choices that you make to try and get through. I feel he's made very positive choices (finding a new home, fitness for himself, bonding with his children, closeness with his own family, pursuing other non work related interests when he can).
He's very straight forward, a 'what you see is what you get' type person. It's very, very straight forward between us.
But most of all, we have a lot of fun together. There's been a few times when we've just skipped down the street together (quiet street, late in the evening) and been laughing our heads off as we do.
Focus -
So nice that you've found such a nice guy! Sounds like he has done all the right DB things since his breakup, even though he hasn't been here! Shows he has good character.
About the divorce - do the paperwork yourself and send it. If you don't want to contact him for the address, can you ask someone else to contact him for you? I know it feels unfair that you have to do the work, but it will free you.
Also, be careful. I would interpret his question about your mortgage balance as worrisome; could he be trying to make a claim on it and wants to know how much equity is in it?
Sounds like you should be safe if joint funds were never used to pay the mortgage, but be careful.
Also - congratulations on your almost paid off house! Check out the Mr Money Mustache website, I think it might resonate with you !
I just read through your latest posts and felt such positive spirit from them! You're really doing so very well!
Congrats on being almost mortgage-free! That's a big achievement!
I'm just starting on that path now, but I'm buying something cheap so I can pay it off quickly.
So nice to hear about your straightforward guy. It's so good to not play games or wonder about secrets.
Best of luck!
Hi Focus,
Sorry I haven't stopped by in a while. It is fantastic to hear the progress you've made. I'm jealous!You've been through some tough times but you are stronger than ever. Your story is inspiring so keep posting!
Focus -
So nice that you've found such a nice guy! Sounds like he has done all the right DB things since his breakup, even though he hasn't been here! Shows he has good character.
Thank you. Yes, I have to admit, I was looking at the way that he dealt with things after. Both for himself alone and in the way that he communicated with his XW (they have 2 children that were 8 and 11 at the time...I think).
About the divorce - do the paperwork yourself and send it. If you don't want to contact him for the address, can you ask someone else to contact him for you? I know it feels unfair that you have to do the work, but it will free you.
This is a great idea, thank you.
As with everything in this whole process, I've thought about things for a while, taken a small step forwards in some way, then shelved it for a while, before thinking about it for a bit again, and taking another step forwards.
From the outside it looks like nothing has changed, but I'm taking small steps.
Also, be careful. I would interpret his question about your mortgage balance as worrisome; could he be trying to make a claim on it and wants to know how much equity is in it?
Yes, you're right, thank you.
In my previous life I would never have distrusted his motivations. But he's a stranger to me now and I have no idea what he's thinking/feeling. So thank you for reminding me of that.
Sounds like you should be safe if joint funds were never used to pay the mortgage, but be careful.
Also, the house is legally mine. It was mine even before we ever met, so it's not considered matrimonial property. It was the second big thing I did for myself after he left. The first was changing the locks.
Actually, when I think of it, it's the third. The first was not pursuing him in any way: no calls, texts, emails...
Also - congratulations on your almost paid off house! Check out the Mr Money Mustache website, I think it might resonate with you !
Thank you. Will do.
I just read through your latest posts and felt such positive spirit from them! You're really doing so very well!
Congrats on being almost mortgage-free! That's a big achievement!
I'm just starting on that path now, but I'm buying something cheap so I can pay it off quickly.
So nice to hear about your straightforward guy. It's so good to not play games or wonder about secrets.
Best of luck!
Thank you Painter. I've followed your story with interest, when you were on the other board as well. I know I didn't post much, but I was reading.
I can see now, looking back, the incredible stress I was under in living with someone who was basically lying for so many years - to me and to himself as well. And I can see how the stress impacted my mental and then physical wellbeing.
He was unable to deal with his feelings, not able to find a positive way of expressing them, so he just dug himself in deeper into his mess...alcohol and other women. I guess in the hope that I would do something about it.
But I didn't, of course. The boiling frog analogy I guess. And the thought that he could/would never do something like that.
Anyway, my own part? I guess the way I handled my own stressors, right at the beginning of the slide downhill (10 years ago now, and 3 years before his behaviour started becoming disrespectful towards me, in small ways). I thought I was doing the best I could, but what I was doing was also making him feel cut off from me.
I can barely type those words, because now I understand the consequences of that. And I guess I still feel responsible for the affairs, like I wasn't giving him enough to be happy together with me. But at the same time, I wouldn't trade the version of myself I am now for the version I was before. It's hard for me to type those words too, because what I had in my life before was what was most precious to me and what I most cherished. I guess I should have cherished myself more though. I don't know.
I'm taking two more pairs of jeans to the charity shop. They were from the start of all of this, but they're too big for me now. Even the 26 inch waist skinny jeans I bought a while into this whole thing are starting to look a bit looser now and not quite so skinny. I'm down to a 25 inch waist in jeans, which is the smallest I've ever been, even as a 20 something year old.
It's funny because I'm eating as much as I can and I'm also cooking totally new things from recipes online and in books...another 180 for me, as I used to make the same things all the time and it was STBXH who was the experimental one in the kitchen
The other evening I made baked peaches with almonds and chantilly whipped cream. Oh my, those were delicious!
Other 180s, I've started wearing dresses, like those 1950s vintage type ones: fitted on top but with very full skirts. I wore one to one of my closest friend's wedding last year. That was more an evening one, in lace and with a big tulle underskirt. But now I also have a couple of plain cotton ones that are a bit more daytime appropriate, so I wore them to my work last week. I got so many compliments...it was lovely!
I'm really touched and overwhelmed by the way other people are reacting to the newer version of me. I've been on the receiving end of so much love and affection from pretty much everyone - even people who hadn't really warmed to me much in my previous life. I'm lucky to meet loads of people as I work in different areas/jobs, and I've felt this from pretty much everyone, even when they don't know what's happened or even if they're people I have met in the past couple of years.
I've also earned more money this year than probably ever before. End of August is the end of my business year, and I can tell it's been a good one for me. I'm still way below average earnings for this country, and would probably be classed as 'poor', but I haven't felt that way this past year. That's one thing I wanted to do for this year, earn more money, and I've done that...it feels amazing. So next year, I'm going to build on the success of this year and do the same.
Other news, I'm very happy with my new romance. I can feel it's different to how it was at twenty something, but that's OK. It couldn't be anything but different, considering I'm almost 20 years older and have been through a few things now. I (we) still both have a very playful, childish and lighthearted side to us, and it feels like we're both getting the chance to express that.
Sorry I'm not posting much on other's threads. I'm reading though.
Hi Focus,
Sorry I haven't stopped by in a while. It is fantastic to hear the progress you've made. I'm jealous!You've been through some tough times but you are stronger than ever. Your story is inspiring so keep posting!
Thank you so much Scrant.
I still have days when I feel a bit down. They're not specifically about STBXH - he feels like a stranger to me now, and my life with him feels like it belonged someone else entirely.
But the days when I feel down are more to do with my own feelings about parts of me. Like the dreams and ideas that I had about what being married to someone meant, and also more specifically ideas that I had about trust...those kinds of things, they feel they have taken a battering.
A little bit of self awareness is never a bad thing tho, eh?
Overall though, day to day, I'd say I feel very happy. I feel very grateful. And I have come to understand in the past couple of weeks that the practising a sense of gratitude that I have been (at many times) inadvertently doing over the past year (maybe longer), has let the door open for lots and lots of other positive feelings, opportunities and experiences.
I'd say, looking back, for myself, this has been the key to everything: learning to practise a sense of gratitude. I think I probably started with trying to feel grateful for very, very small things. I remember shortly afterwards, painting my front door. It took a huge effort, and when I started, I thought I would only be able to manage a small corner. But I gradually managed to paint more and more of it, in that one session, and I felt immensely grateful that I could focus totally on something so simple and pass some time, and not be completely overwhelmed by the utter pain I was feeling the rest of the time.
I now wake up in the mornings and make a point of telling myself what I'm looking forward to that particular day. And now go to bed at night thinking of the things that have happened, things I have felt I feel grateful for that day.
Feelings now, almost two years on: a profound sadness (but not as deep as sorrow), a feeling of absolute peace (I don't know if this is acceptance or not), gratitude for the things I have learnt and way I am at this point in time, a feeling of gentleness and kindness towards myself that I didn't have before, a deep sense of contentment in some of the small things that happen during the day.
So, I've had some time off work over the past few days and have had a lot of time to think.
I've come to understand and feel (so both an intellectual and a feeling understanding) just how much drama that been in my life for the past 6 years.
STBXH's work (working away for months at a time, on some very intense and demanding jobs) and his emotional rollercoaster (drinking, affairs)...well, I had gotten used to those. It's only now that there is some distance between us, and I have had a chance of being more myself, that I can see that very clearly.
I think I felt it straight away, after he left, and once I stopped being scared of the silence in the house. The silence wasn't empty, it wasn't one of absence, but it was a very peaceful one, and it felt filled with possibilities.
It's all too easy to see why I was drawn to Mr Abusive Heavy Drinker afterwards.
Grateful, as always, for lessons learned.
Wow, last night I achieved one of my fitness goals. And to make sure it wasn't a one off, I repeated it again this morning.
It's a small one by most people's standards, but for me it's unlocking a door, mentally. I'm beginning to believe in myself and my new life more.
Well, flip...
I got home after a few days away, staying with the very amazing man I've been seeing, to find divorce papers sitting on my doormat.
STBXH has actually been to a lawyer.
I'm a bit shocked, to say the least. This is the first thing he's organised. Maybe perhaps it wasn't him? Anyway, that's irrelevant. It's there in black and white.
He clearly doesn't want me to know where he's living as he's given his address as his parent's address.
But it's the simplified procedure as there are no kids and no financial matters to sort.
So, instead of trying to work out how I feel about it all, and sitting mulling things over in my head (as I would have done in a past life), I went for a run. My new, longer run, which I've done three times now. I cut one minute thirty seconds off my time...lol.
Result? I still don't know how I feel about it, but I've done something positive for myself
Good job! I'm sorry if I'm behind on reading your posts, but if it was simple why did you let it go for so long?
Good job! I'm sorry if I'm behind on reading your posts, but if it was simple why did you let it go for so long?
It's a very simplified procedure, because we have no children or joint property/shared assets. You just fill in details (name, address) and there are a handful of boxes to tick.
I guess it was waiting for the two year separation date. Before that date, you need your spouse's active consent to the divorce. But after the two years it doesn't matter what they think/say and you can divorce them irrespective of what they want.
That's the only thing that I find a bit strange: we're almost at the two year point now. Why didn't he just wait for a little bit longer? Why did he want my active consent?
In a way, it doesn't matter. I'll never know and the end result is still the same. So, that question is irrelevant. No point in even trying to speculate.
And that's the feelings I'm left with overall. How? And why? I mean, I can fill in the blanks intellectually, but in a feeling sense none of it makes sense. How can something have been so irreparable that it's easier to walk away? But I guess I'm not the one that lied and cheated, so throw that into the equation and I guess running away/getting divorced is easier than living with all of that on your conscience and being reminded of it every time you look at your wife.
And where am I in all this? Today I feel...well, I don't know. I'm left with the sheer hard effort of making sure I'm always making positive choices for myself and of moving forward in my life. I've learnt a bit of that over the past couple of years. I guess I hadn't been *as* aware of it in my previous life, and hadn't made as consciously positive choices for myself.
Maybe I'd been a little bit self indulgent with myself in my previous life? There's no room for any of that any more in this brave new world. I've needed to toughen up on myself, for myself, for sure. Maybe that's why I'm enjoying the discipline of training/running? I need that discipline in my life now, for myself.
Last night I had a dream about going outside, in the rain, with my new partner, and both of us had not a stitch of clothing on us. I/we felt no shame in having nothing on, just excitement of wanting to go outside and laugh in the rain. I remember how the raindrops looked on my skin: beautiful and magical.
So here's a test for me, and of all the work I've been doing:
There's been some building damage to another of the places I work (this one is my main freelance income over the year). So a few of my jobs there have fallen through there, and there is doubt over when/if it will reopen.
And I found out this morning that one of my promised freelance jobs has fallen through right at the very last minute (was due to start the day after tomorrow). It's leaving me with quite a big hole in my finances.
I'm trying not to let myself be overwhelmed with worry and panic.
In my previous life I would have been catastrophising big time by now.
I started feeling myself going down that path after I got the news about the second one this morning. And I could see the path ahead of me, and the possibilities and options open to me by going down that path.
Instead, I updated my LinkedIn profile and did some yoga (YouTube video, Yoga with Adriene. Am I allowed to say that?).
And tomorrow I'll send a couple of emails, update my CV and start emailing it out and uploading it to a few places I was thinking of. And do some more yoga.
Wednesday I'll go for another run, a walk and then the gym. Thursday, run, studio and then gym.
And next week I'll start on my accounts (it's my year end).
In the past I would have let this unexpected extra time slide by into nothingness, but I'm determined to use it to my benefit this time.
Some weird synchronicity going on...
My last post I wrote about the jobs that had fallen through.
That day, the day I found out and wrote the post, I decided to work on not stressing out about it, feeling grounded, and then also feeling appreciative and very grateful of all the opportunities I've had over the past two years (but this past year especially).
I went to bed feeling on a very even keel and OK with things.
Next morning I woke up to a really great job offer by email. I kid you not.
It's a month contract, from one of the companies that I've already done a lot of work for (STBXH has worked for them too, on some stuff which was super successful. But that's by the way).
There are two quite big down sides to this offer of work, that I wanted to discuss with the very wonderful man I've been seeing. I had to wait until late afternoon, after he'd finished work and got back. I have to admit, I did feel very anxious about that. Mainly because I had no idea how he would react (and I guess I had no control over that, which is what was stressing me out).
When we started going out, I did make sure to explain to him that very occasionally something might come up with work, which would mean I might have to cancel plans (or better, postpone them).
Anyway, we had planned a week away together, and I had bought flights (ridiculously cheap ones) for it, and he had also bought two tickets for a gig.
He said that he would have been disappointed if I hadn't accepted the offer, seeing as I'm self employed and it's a fantastic opportunity. At that point, I did start crying a bit, as I felt overwhelmed that someone could be so loving and supportive.
I guess with STBXH, his career came first, and pretty early on in our R I learned to stand aside for him and minimise my own successes. Totally my fault for being so willingly subservient, I know. And it's probably one of the things that helped inflate his ego so much. Anyway, what's done is done.
As part of this job, we get to stay in some pretty nice hotels. So I'm going to ask if he can come and stay one weekend. And then I'm going to take him out for a fancy dinner after I've finished, as a thank you for having been so supportive. He's like me, he doesn't earn a lot of money, and I reckon a big chunk of it goes on helping his two kids. Any dinner out is quite a big treat (for both of us).
Going to carry on working on feeling appreciative for everything that comes my way, and feeling gratitude for the opportunities I have, as that seems to be the key to all of this (or at least, one of them).
I guess that's to do with reframing things and perspective. And it changes you from being a victim and acting like one, to feeling empowered.
Lol...I forgot the other thing that happened!
This morning I was listening to the radio, and OW came on, reading a story. I think she been doing some of that while she was too pregnant to work,
It was really weird. I felt absolutely **nothing** at all. Total and utter indifference. Like I didn't recognise her voice and she was a total stranger to me.
I even hung in there, listening for a while, to see if I was going to be hit by some strong wave of emotion I'd somehow cut myself off from. But nope, nothing.
What on earth is that about?
Popped over to the Newcomers part of the forum. Dipped into a thread. Couldn't bear the pain I felt reading it.
I can only look forward now. I can't bear to look back any more.
I'm just beginning to understand how profoundly I've changed and been changed by this whole experience.
I very much used to be someone who would analyse everything (and overthink a lot), especially if it was someone I was having trouble with, or if it was a difficult situation I was in. I liked having all the loose threads tied up neatly, and felt that I had to before I could move on.
Now? Not so much any more. I find myself going along the lines of 'it is what it is', letting it be, letting all those loose threads hang unfinished, and just striking out on my own.
I'm also finding myself drawn more and more to ideas of 'good health' and of living well and healthily. Physically, yes, definitely. But also emotionally. There's much less room in my life for negative patterns of thought. I know what the cost of these are, to myself, and it's too much (for my own wellbeing, first and foremost).
I very much used to be someone who would analyse everything (and overthink a lot), especially if it was someone I was having trouble with, or if it was a difficult situation I was in. I liked having all the loose threads tied up neatly, and felt that I had to before I could move on.
focus22,
I was exactly the same. I hated conflict. I could analyze for days, and honestly, in hindsight, the analysis didn't make much difference; it just provided more time to stew.
Now, I say what's on my mind and move on. Life is better because of my change in attitude. It's a wonderful gift my XW gave me.
Ha ha..yes, doodler! I was on the verge of writing something along those lines for myself as well: 'It's a wonderful gift my XW gave me'.
And I think I could apply it to the man I'm seeing too. It'll be six months in a few days, and I haven't ever gotten on so well with anyone. It's just so easy being in his company.
I know what you mean about overanalyzing everything. I'm bad about that, but I'm trying to make a conscious effort to get better. I know I need to just let stuff go, say what I think and move on. I'm working on it. I think the main thing I learned from my divorce, well, actually I already knew it but the divorce hammered it home, is that I'm a work in progress. When I was married, I was a work in progress unto myself, but also a work in progress as a part of a couple. Now, I'm back to just being a work in progress unto myself and I'm ok with that. I'm happier than I have been in a long time.
I can also identify with what you said about hearing OW on the radio and feeling nothing. In the early days of my divorce, when I would happen across a pic of xh and his ow on facebook, it would just tear me up. Now, don't care. I just feel nothing. It's almost like he's a stranger to me. It's kind of weird but at the same time, kind of nice.
I know what you mean about overanalyzing everything. I'm bad about that, but I'm trying to make a conscious effort to get better. I know I need to just let stuff go, say what I think and move on. I'm working on it. I think the main thing I learned from my divorce, well, actually I already knew it but the divorce hammered it home, is that I'm a work in progress. When I was married, I was a work in progress unto myself, but also a work in progress as a part of a couple. Now, I'm back to just being a work in progress unto myself and I'm ok with that. I'm happier than I have been in a long time.
I can also identify with what you said about hearing OW on the radio and feeling nothing. In the early days of my divorce, when I would happen across a pic of xh and his ow on facebook, it would just tear me up. Now, don't care. I just feel nothing. It's almost like he's a stranger to me. It's kind of weird but at the same time, kind of nice.
Yup, I totally get that, I know how that *feels* in the very core of my being.
I think you were a lot more self aware than me during your M though. I sort of knew that I was a work in progress unto myself, but I didn't realise at all that I was a work in progress as part of a couple as well.
I think that I didn't allow myself to become/be everything that I wanted to be (or would have liked to have been). And yes, that's me taking responsibility for that part of it.
Part of the reason was that it was easier for me to just let H be in the limelight, as it were. For many reasons, including his own personality and his job too.
And part of the reason was that I sensed a little jealousy on his part, if I did a bit *too* well, particularly in the same area that he worked in. So I kept my head down. And worked on other things, mostly unrelated to his own area of work.
I think he started off being proud of what I was doing and achieving (talking about the very early days of our R and M here). And then he just stopped being proud, or better, withdrew slightly to focus on his own life/work. And wasn't really much interested in what I was doing.
Part of that, I think, is my fault. My own personality is to be extremely low key and modest about my achievements. And other people take their cue from how you behave yourself, right? So a bit of that whole behaviour on his part is my responsibility.
What to do about that in future? I'm learning to be a little bit more 'just let what I do and my achievements speak for themselves' and not downplay them. Not be arrogant about them, for sure, but certainly not downplay them as I probably was doing quite a lot before.
I remember people that I met (mostly H's work colleagues) being really surprised when they found out what else I did in life.
Anyway, I can apply that to everything to do with myself, I think. Learn to inhabit my space a bit more, literally and metaphorically.
So, one of my friends has just had a baby and posted about going to register the birth on FB.
She's been with her partner for 13 years and they already have two children together.
Because they aren't married, she has to say that she was a single mother when she went to register the birth (which has to be done within 21 days of the child being born in this country). Understandably, she was really upset. And she got even more upset when she questioned it, and was told pretty sternly that there was 'no other option'.
It got me thinking...I checked back to when STBXH first got in touch about the D. It goes back to the start of May, a few weeks (or there about) after the birth of his child to OW.
Funnily enough, about a week before STBXH got in touch with me, I'd posted a picture of a short holiday I went on for a few days with the wonderful man I've been seeing, and I tagged him in it too. The picture wasn't of us, just of some blue skies and palm trees. And there wasn't even any sort of 'having an amazing time' type comment.
I originally thought that STBXH had got in touch about the D because he'd seen the post. But now I'm thinking that it may well have been because of the first thing I posted about. I think that I was maybe giving myself too much credit in his eyes, and that my existence is completely and utterly irrelevant to him.
I'll never know. And it doesn't even really matter. It is what it is, as they say. And I'm fine with that.
All in all, and carrying on from my previous post...I feel so much better in myself, so much stronger and more solid. The effort of having to drive my life forwards, my business and my work, feels phenomenal (as it, it's a massive effort). But I'm sure that it will pay off, so I'm not worried about that. I like having the focus it gives me as well.
I feel like I can finally start to lift my head up and look to the future, start making some plans. I don't feel so afraid any more. And any time I start to feel a little frightened I remind myself of all the things I've done to cope over the past couple of years and the journey I've been on...how I felt when I dipped my toe in the water to try and deal with it all, the effect it had, and how I feel about it now, looking back.
Those first few dates I went on? When was it, January 2016? When I was absolutely terrified, and then weirdly elated that I'd managed to actually go through with going out with someone for an evening for a drink, and then also that I'd managed to kiss someone else that hadn't been my H (and I had been one of those totally faithful spouses, that hadn't even cracked a look in the direction of someone else for the entire time I'd been together with my H...18 years). And that I felt OK about it, and also at the same time I remember I felt incredibly disappointed at the dates I was going on...none of the men that I met felt quite good enough for me to contemplate being with: too negative, too needy, or dull, and overweight, smokers, heavy drinkers, closed off, too distant. I managed to navigate all of that OK, and come out not feeling any more bruised and broken than I had been. Better than that, II managed to take all the positives that I could from some of those not very nice experiences.
Possibly so self reflective and introspective because it's coming up for two years...
Sometimes I feel like I've come so far. And sometimes I feel like I haven't travelled far at all.
I don't really want to think about what happened any more. About the hurt and pain and confusion.
Like an amputation, it's done and that part of me has gone forever.
Only way to deal with it all is to look forward. And adapt. And learn a new way of being in a different self.
Anyone else feel like that? Or just me?
It sounds like you are in a good place. Your ex and the pain is a distant memory and you have a clear plan for the future. Accepting impermanence and change is not easy. You seem to be embracing it, and it is nice to read about.
I still look back and feel the hurt and get angry about that hurt that was put upon me. Phantom limb pain perhaps?
Sometimes I feel like what happened was not really my life. But a alternative path that was never supposed to happen. Or was supposed to happen but not to be actually experienced by me or by my reality. Almost like a bad dream, you wake up from. Or an anxiety that never actually manifests but then it does. I never thought my ex would become the person he did. I am sometimes sad for him.
Is the growth that comes from pain a gift? I don't know. I know I certainly don't sweat the small stuff any more because I know how bad it actually can get. And i know I can survive life when it does get bad. That makes me a much better person to deal with. I still would not want the bar raised any more though. If personal growth only comes through intense pain, at this point I'm ok the way I am
!
Ah Juju, I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about it ever since.
You've described it all perfectly, and much more eloquently than I ever could.
Strange thing is, I used to be such an analyser, such a describer in detail of everything I felt, such a talker...
I don't feel I have the words any more. I don't even have the coherent thought process before I could even begin to formulate the words.
There's just nothing left but being and doing. Being in the now, and doing things in the now.
I think there's a film I need to watch again. I remember seeing 'Three Colours: Blue' when it came out, many, many years ago now. It's about loss and grief. I'm curious to know what I would make of it now.
Anyway, being and doing...it seems to be that is all that there is. And yet at the same time, both those things seem like the most incredible gifts.
Feeling utterly exhausted today.
A heaviness that is at the very core of my being.
I get it, Focus.
I get bogged down from my own ruminating. I think its OK to give yourself time to feel heavy. But only a little bit of time, because there is plenty else out there that is just really great.
Thank you Juju.
I only managed 4 hours sleep last night. I'm so tired.
Yesterday I came across the info that the show that OW was in (and nominated for a major industry award for...the kind that nominees are loaned designer dresses and diamonds for, and the kind that you see pictures of in magazines like 'Hello') is transferring to Broadway and she's going to be in it. It's running from winter through to spring. I would imagine she'd have their child with her, and obvs him as well.
I feel so humdrum and unglamorous by comparison, so everyday, so out dazzled. Who could possibly have competed with that. Plus she's 15 years younger than me.
Anyway, back to my life. I went for a run in the morning. Not far, just my usual distance, because it felt like really hard work. And then on the spur of the moment, I went for a longer run in the evening. It was my first time running this longer distance...almost double my usual. That one felt really good.
I was physically very, very tired last night. I had a hot bath and some healthy food after I got back. My house is tidy and clean and I've made a start on my accounts (not due in until the end of January).
The wonderful man I'm seeing is heading over today, with his two adult kids and we're all going to see a rugby match together. I've never been to anything like that, so I'm really looking forward to it. Then we're going out for dinner and everyone is coming to stay at mine. It's the first time they will have been to my house and i'm a little nervous. I really like them both, they're an absolute credit to the way he's brought them up since he left his W 7 years ago.
I trust him already in a way that I don't think I ever trusted my H. He feels very strong and solid, in a quiet and unassuming way. He feels like a completely different type of person than my H ever was, although he has just as much presence - in a very different way from my H had. He has an incredible physical confidence and solidity (and playfulness too) that I am totally and utterly drawn to.
I know that whatever happens, I will be OK.
Hmm, so I've just finished my year end and instead of waiting until January to start working on my accounts, I've made a start now
I have some of STBXH's old invoices on my laptop (I used to help him with sorting his accounts). And out of curiosity I looked through some old phone bills. They were about £30/£40 per month usually.
Except the month I now know he had the affair with the 20 something year old (back in 2012). His phone bill for that month? £110.
Weird thing, I don't feel anything. Nothing at all.
I'm going to be working for the company he's done a lot of work for/with soon. Just a short term contract of a month and a bit.
I was talking to someone in the company today about preparations and arrangements for the job (obviously she knows what happened...well, not the story from my side, but you know, as much as is public) and I could **feel** the kindness coming down the phone from her. It was like she almost felt sorry for me.
I was very appreciative of her kindness, but afterwards, in my head, I was like, nah...I'm the one that's the lucky one in this scenario. Seriously.
That's how I'm feeling at the moment.
The OW? He's such a coward, such an underdeveloped teenager of a man. A man who can't deal with being an adult, who can't talk about any of the difficult emotions/situations that crop up in life.
And guess what? It's not just him, nobody in his family talk about difficult situations and emotions, so he's never seen anyone do that as he's been growing up and he's never learnt to as an adult.
And STBXH reacted exactly the same way I've seen his father react in his relationship with STBXH's mother.
STBXH always ran away from any of the things I brought up (and trust me, I was bringing them up as he was starting to go off the rails, 6 years before I left. He just either stonewalled me, or blanked me, repeatedly).
Well, she's totally welcome to him. I seriously deserve a lot better than being treated like that.
I've started my contract (the one with the company my STBXH sometimes works for).
We had a 12 hour journey yesterday to get to our first destination.
A number of the people (quite a few of them) have worked with my STBXH on various projects in the past - a couple of them at the time when things were really falling apart and shortly after.
One of the others, who had worked with him a good few years ago in 2013, mentioned him a couple of times.
Now, by what she said, she very obviously doesn't know what's happened...why he left and with who and she doesn't know about the child. And she very obviously hasn't seen something major has happened in my life by how different I look, whereas every single other person I meet comments on that.
Anyway, I said something very neutral when she brought him up, and stayed totally neutral in myself so that nobody could detect anything from me.
Hope she doesn't talk about him again.
Other news...I have fallen very deeply in love with the man I met at the start of the year.
It's very, very easy to be with him. And he is very straightforward. He has a strong sense of who he is, and what is about, without him being blinkered and selfish.
I like the way he looks at life and relationships (the ones with the important people in his life, like his two children and his brothers and sister). He is extremely consistent and supportive.
If I had met him in my 20s, or even 30s, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the sense of stillness and peace that is a part of him. It's a very quiet, interior, stillness and peace that I think has come from a huge amount of suffering. Having gone through what I went through I can see it.
We're talking about plans for Christmas at the moment, which is a huge thing for me, to make plans in advance like this. But I feel very safe with him, like I can very much rely on him, be constant and I know that he will support me. I never had that feeling before, not even when I met my H. There was always a part of me that didn't feel like I could let myself go and totally rely on him.
Goodness, and now I can stop thinking about him, smiling to myself and looking doe eyed!
So, big company dinner the other night, with good number of senior managers coming too.
I'm sitting beside one of them. I know her a little, but not that well.
We have a really lovely time over dinner chatting about everything and anything. We're getting on really well.
Then she becomes quite self conscious and hesitant, and say that she hopes that she's not speaking out of turn, but that she hopes I'm getting over the trauma of it all.
Well, she's been one of the first people to bring it up in a direct way. The only other from this company was about a year and a bit ago, when she asked me how I really was.
Anyway she's so hesitant and self conscious about it all, that I have a good while to absorb what's happening and decide very consciously on how to answer (even through the large glass of wine I'd had).
In my answer, I basically skip straight to the very positive part of the process, where I'm very much living my own life and loving my life. I do mention that we'd been together 18 years and M 15, and she was somewhat shocked to find out it was that long. I say nothing whatsoever about the A(s). Everything I said and felt in my answer was absolutely genuine.
I felt I handled it all **very** well. And I'm pleased with myself.
I think I'm understanding one thing. That people respond to what you say and the way you say it. And if you can put your journey across in a positive way, they respond with positivity.
I know that there are other feelings lurking below (shame, anger...), but I feel that those are for myself to process. And to share with a **very** select few people.
But I at the moment I really need to feel positivity from other people as regards what's happened.
A kind of 'teach them how to treat you' sort of thing.
Focus, I still cant discuss my situation without immense bitterness. So kudos to you for being mature and professional.
I think that many people that are married recognize the situation for what it is and they truly feel for us. They want to offer support but at the same time don't want to be intrusive.
I personally, don't mind that support and openness. But many people prefer privacy.
Thank you Juju. I'm learning a lot about myself, for sure.
I've learnt that by nature I'm an incredibly private person, even to those I am most close to. I think this may have been one of the reasons for things to start going downhill in my M. Add to that, my STBXH who wasn't able to talk about anything at all. Even some of his friends would comment and joke about how uneasy he would become if someone talked to him about his feelings...
So in an attempt to learn something from all of this and behave a little differently to see where it takes me, I'm now sharing more my feelings and thoughts to those that are closest to me (a couple of the friends I have made over these part few years and my new partner).
It's interesting. I know that I am feeling more vulnerable and I can feel that it stresses me out and that I find it tiring. I have to keep reminding myself that I am able and that I will cope with the consequences of this openness.
Anyway, a late lunch a couple of days ago with one of my older work colleagues at the moment. She had previously worked with STBXH and his uncle, probably about 5 or 6 years ago. I had met her during this time. Over lunch we talked a little about STBXH and (relatively) openly. There was still **a lot** I didn't mention...we really just skirted on the surface of things, but talked openly and honestly enough too.
She mentioned STBXH's heavy drinking and how he would sometimes come to work either drunk, or still drunk from the night before. And how his uncle was also very similar to STBXH in his drinking, and show she felt sorry for his uncle's wife.
She also said that I was a completely different person to the one that she had met 5 or 6 years ago. I had seemed very quiet and reserved, but now I was smiling, confident and my eyes were sparkling.
I've been going to the gym and running outside as well, in the little towns and villages I've been working in. I'd like to get comfortable with the distance I'm running at the moment and then up it a bit. I'm starting to toy with the idea of entering a race in the spring, for the distance I'm running at the moment. I would like it to be a comfortable and very positive experience. By comfortable I mean that I get to race day in good shape and knowing I can do it **well**
focus22,
Do you celebrate Bonfire Night (Guy Fawkes night)? If so, what sorts of food do you usually have for the celebration?
Hey doodler!
Kinda. But cities would have firework displays, and individuals would let off fireworks as well, not just on the evening itself, but in the days and weeks leading up to it. So it's a pretty noisy time of year.
I think we'd have burgers and hotdogs...barbecue stuff.
You planning on celebrating this year?
You planning on celebrating this year?
focus22,
One of my neighbors is British and he has a Guy Fawkes party every year. I always attend if I'm in town.
The party includes fireworks and a "bomb hunt" (golf balls) for the younger children. Almost everyone brings food and booze. In years past, I've taken veggie dishes that I like, except for one time when I brought spotted dick. This year, I thought I'd try to bring something that's traditional and "authentic," but I couldn't really find anything that seemed to fit the bill.
That sounds brilliant doodler!
I think it might depend a bit where you're from. Do you know where your neighbour is from originally?
did you mean "spotted duck", Doodler?
No no...a genuine pudding called 'spotted dick'.
**guffaw**
I think it might depend a bit where you're from. Do you know where your neighbour is from originally?
focus22,
I've forgotten what city he's from. I know his brother lives in New Forest. When he goes to England he usually stays with his brother and I think his parents live nearby.
I hope that helps.
Sorry for the late reply doodler...
I had to google where the New Forest is as I did't know : o) If there are any traditional recipes from there (and you like cooking), I guess you could try some of those? But otherwise barbecue food would be a safe bet: burgers, sausages, chicken, that sort of thing. I'd be really pleased (and not surprised) if I went to a Bonfire Night and that's what was on offer.
I'm coming towards the end of my job now, just a few more days to go. It's been wonderful, I've really loved it and feel I've done a good job.
I've actually been verbally offered a very big contract (as in scale of job and responsibility, rather than length) for the end of March by the person that hired me for this, which is amazing.
She also offered me some work in December, but I already have verbal agreement with someone else about work for the same period. I explained that to her, and said I hadn't signed anything yet though, so if I I could keep in touch with her about it.
And I feel that I've managed to establish myself as my own person in this job, with a separate identity from my SBTXH. I've done it in the way Iike to do things: very gradually and carefully. That feels like a good, solid way to do things for me
Anyway, my lovely new partner came along to see me one afternoon. He came with his older sister and with his brother's two children (5 and 7). We all had a very lovely time, and I feel very welcomed and accepted by them all.
I'm planning on getting a little treat for us two, something that I've never done before: a dinner and stay in a castle/hotel type place. I don't have a Saturday night free until January now (this is a very busy time for one of my freelance jobs), but January will be good as it's generally a bit of a low point...after Christmas and the new year.
We're talking about plans for Christmas and the new year. I just get Christmas day off, so he's going to come up after he's seen his kids on Christmas morning and seen them unwrap their presents (his XW lives an almost two hour drive away, except it'll be quicker on Christmas morning).
Anyway, I'm back at work the next day, and he's happy to go and climb some hills for a few days (he's a real adventurer...ice picks at the ready for climbing hills in winter, sleeping in his car on weekend walks, that sort of thing).
He's said that he's incredibly excited that I'm happy for him to go out and do his own thing and spend time out in the wild. He said he's not had that before. I think that both his XW and the woman he was with after they divorced weren't as independent as I am and expected to do pretty much everything together, or for him to be there with them all the time (or most of the time). Maybe that's some people's idea of what being in a relationship is? I think that's what the man I went out with briefly last year was expecting (the angry, heavy drinker).
Anyway, I'm glad that people see me as independent. I got that comment from one of the people at the work I've been doing as well (someone that's worked with both myself and STBXH).
Also very glad that the two year mark has been and gone. I know that it's just a date like any other date in the year, but I still feel relief.
I guess the D papers that H filed (which needed my agreement for the process to continue, and which I just ignored) will start their own journey now that the two year mark has passed. In Scots law a spouse can D another without their agreement after they've been separated for two years.
I decided that I would plough my own furrow and D him at a time of my choosing (which would have been some time after the 2 year mark, as I didn't want to speak to him again). And that's the reason why I didn't answer his text asking if I agreed to a D, or sign the papers he sent.
Anyway, one of the cast told me that all they know about him is that he's now living down south (quite a long way away) with OW and their child. That means that the chances of me bumping into him here aren't really very high, which is a big relief.
I know her parents live down south, in the country, on a farm I think. I'm wondering if they're there? it might be nice for her to have help with the baby. Well, it's not for me to concern myself with.
I actually had a dream about her last night, for the first time ever. In my dream I was curious about her and looking her up online, and she caught me doing it. Funny thing was I didn't feel jealous, or envious, I was just curious about her in a very neutral way. Although I did feel like I had been caught doing something I shouldn't be doing.
Well, I don't feel upset about my dream. I feel like I can just carry on with my day.
All in all, I'm feeling very neutral and even about the past God knows how many years (six? seven?) since the slide into this awful nightmare started. Many, many, many good things have happened in the past couple of years, and I feel that a lot of them are down to my positivity. At times it's been with nothing short of brute force that I've made myself feel grateful and see things positively at times (even just the tiniest thing, like a simple 'hello' and a smile to a shopkeeper when I went to buy some milk), but my goodness, it's paid off.
So clearly, that's the road I should continue down...the one of gratitude and positivity.
But otherwise barbecue food would be a safe bet: burgers, sausages, chicken, that sort of thing.
Thanks focus22!
Everyone seems to like my grilled salmon so I think I'll grill some salmon and I'll probably take along a bottle or two of moscato to go with it.
Also very glad that the two year mark has been and gone. I know that it's just a date like any other date in the year, but I still feel relief.
I guess the D papers that H filed (which needed my agreement for the process to continue, and which I just ignored) will start their own journey now that the two year mark has passed. In Scots law a spouse can D another without their agreement after they've been separated for two years.
I decided that I would plough my own furrow and D him at a time of my choosing (which would have been some time after the 2 year mark, as I didn't want to speak to him again). And that's the reason why I didn't answer his text asking if I agreed to a D, or sign the papers he sent.
Anyway, one of the cast told me that all they know about him is that he's now living down south (quite a long way away) with OW and their child. That means that the chances of me bumping into him here aren't really very high, which is a big relief.
I know her parents live down south, in the country, on a farm I think. I'm wondering if they're there? it might be nice for her to have help with the baby. Well, it's not for me to concern myself with.
I actually had a dream about her last night, for the first time ever. In my dream I was curious about her and looking her up online, and she caught me doing it. Funny thing was I didn't feel jealous, or envious, I was just curious about her in a very neutral way. Although I did feel like I had been caught doing something I shouldn't be doing.
Well, I don't feel upset about my dream. I feel like I can just carry on with my day.
All in all, I'm feeling very neutral and even about the past God knows how many years (six? seven?) since the slide into this awful nightmare started. Many, many, many good things have happened in the past couple of years, and I feel that a lot of them are down to my positivity. At times it's been with nothing short of brute force that I've made myself feel grateful and see things positively at times (even just the tiniest thing, like a simple 'hello' and a smile to a shopkeeper when I went to buy some milk), but my goodness, it's paid off.
So clearly, that's the road I should continue down...the one of gratitude and positivity.
what a great post.
But otherwise barbecue food would be a safe bet: burgers, sausages, chicken, that sort of thing.
Thanks focus22!
Everyone seems to like my grilled salmon so I think I'll grill some salmon and I'll probably take along a bottle or two of moscato to go with it.
Oh yum, that sounds delicious!
Do you add anything onto it before/after you grill it?
Also very glad that the two year mark has been and gone. I know that it's just a date like any other date in the year, but I still feel relief.
I guess the D papers that H filed (which needed my agreement for the process to continue, and which I just ignored) will start their own journey now that the two year mark has passed. In Scots law a spouse can D another without their agreement after they've been separated for two years.
I decided that I would plough my own furrow and D him at a time of my choosing (which would have been some time after the 2 year mark, as I didn't want to speak to him again). And that's the reason why I didn't answer his text asking if I agreed to a D, or sign the papers he sent.
Anyway, one of the cast told me that all they know about him is that he's now living down south (quite a long way away) with OW and their child. That means that the chances of me bumping into him here aren't really very high, which is a big relief.
I know her parents live down south, in the country, on a farm I think. I'm wondering if they're there? it might be nice for her to have help with the baby. Well, it's not for me to concern myself with.
I actually had a dream about her last night, for the first time ever. In my dream I was curious about her and looking her up online, and she caught me doing it. Funny thing was I didn't feel jealous, or envious, I was just curious about her in a very neutral way. Although I did feel like I had been caught doing something I shouldn't be doing.
Well, I don't feel upset about my dream. I feel like I can just carry on with my day.
All in all, I'm feeling very neutral and even about the past God knows how many years (six? seven?) since the slide into this awful nightmare started. Many, many, many good things have happened in the past couple of years, and I feel that a lot of them are down to my positivity. At times it's been with nothing short of brute force that I've made myself feel grateful and see things positively at times (even just the tiniest thing, like a simple 'hello' and a smile to a shopkeeper when I went to buy some milk), but my goodness, it's paid off.
So clearly, that's the road I should continue down...the one of gratitude and positivity.
what a great post. Thank you!
And in classic fashion, not long after you replied (was it the day after maybe?) STB X MIL and FIL turned up to my work, with their other son, his wife and their 4 children.
Granted, they probably didn't know that I would be there, so it's not like they were **expecting** to see me.
Anyway, I spotted STB X FIL first, well before he (or any of the others) saw me, so I had plenty time to gather my thoughts and compose myself.
When they came through the door I made sure that I was heading in the opposite direction from them. Nonetheless, STB X MIL came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder, and said 'I'm just saying hello'. I said hello back. None of the others looked in my direction or caught my eye, or said anything to me (which suited me just fine, tbh).
It was easy to avoid them the rest of the evening.
At the very end, they were the last to leave. I had the tiniest feeling that they were hanging back because STB X MIL wanted to speak to me again.
Couple of days later, STBXH's uncle tuned up with his son. Harder to avoid him as he also works in the industry, so I was reasonably chatty.
And that was that. My contract there for this job is finished and I can send my last invoice. I'm proud of the work I've done for this.
I am **exhausted**. My whole body is aching, I almost have the shakes and feel sick from the effort I've put in, and I know that I've been clenching my teeth hard at night (even with my mouth guard) because I can feel that my back teeth have been under a lot of pressure when I wake up and take my mouth guard out again.
Some time to myself next to recentre in on myself.
Oh yum, that sounds delicious!
Do you add anything onto it before/after you grill it?
focus22,
I remove the skin (some people leave the skin on) and I shake some Old Bay seasoning on both sides of the filet. I grill it on each side while the lid is on my charcoal grill (that gives it a smokey flavor and prevents flare-ups that will burn the salmon). In the meantime, I melt some butter and add a little Old Bay seasoning and a little teriyaki sauce to the butter. Then, just before the salmon is fully cooked, I brush the butter mixture on each side of the filet and finish cooking the salmon.
My XW will tell you that my salmon is very good; that's an endorsement that you can't ignore.
I taught my youngest son how to grill salmon and now he grills salmon when he's at mommy's house because she's not a very good cook.
Oooh, that sounds delicious!!
Not long to go now
I'm feeling a bit stressed, tired and overwhelmed at the moment.
November was supposed to be a quiet month for me, work wise, before what I know will be a super busy December. But I've ended up with a lot of work. Which is great in one sense: it's fantastic to be in demand
I'm trying to keep my running, and am very slowly improving. It's interesting...you could go at it with a whole range of mindsets: aim to be the best, or the best in your specific field, or the best you can be, or better than you were yesterday, or just enjoying it for what it is on that particular day/in that particular moment.
I find myself floating through many different mental (as well as physical) states with it. In my past life I have been super competitive against myself with whatever I've been doing, pushing myself to the absolute limits of what I was capable of, and then a bit further...a perfectionist kind of mindset.
Now...I don't know. Maybe not quite so much. I mean, I know I still have that streak in me, it's just, I think I might be noticing the scenery a bit more now? I don't know. It definitely feels like something has changed, and perhaps for the better. I feel like it's easier to live with myself now.
Some nice news: I was out with the very handsome man on Friday. We went for a late lunch/pizza before I went to work on Friday evening. Walking up the road we bumped into one of my colleagues (one that also works with STBXH and knows a good deal of what went on). Anyway, I introduced them and we all said a quick hello, and she said I look more and more like a goddess...lol!
Then I met someone that I haven't seen since a while before the split, and she said she thought I looked 20 years younger and very fit.
I really love what I have with the very handsome man. He's lit something within me and is intriguing my soul in a very profound way. I am curious about the differences between us, and the things he is teaching me about himself and myself.
He has a very sensual (as in, of the senses) way of perceiving the world. He has a very instinctive feeling for beauty and appreciation of it. Of nature, for sure, but also in smaller things like the way he dresses (without being a dandy or a peacock, as STBXH was).
He has a creative soul, for definite, but it's tempered with a huge amount of good sense and practicality. I'm not sure what his XW saw of his creative, imaginative side and I don't think that she nurtured it much in him. I get the sense that she liked to be calling the shots and to be in control. But I like that someone is free to explore different parts of their being and actually encouraged to do so.
For Christmas I would like to make up a hardback book of a small selection of some of the many thousands of photographs he has taken over the years. He is a totally instinctive and incredibly talented landscape photographer. I've told him this and he says it's just luck, but luck would be the odd good shot here and there. He's taken hundreds and hundreds of stunning images that are incredibly atmospheric. I think seeing some of them, beautifully presented, will give him an incredible sense of achievement and pride in his talent.
Anyway, we'll see what the next few weeks brings...
Oooh, that sounds delicious!!
Not long to go now
focus,
The party was on Saturday. The grilled salmon was a hit. Thanks for suggesting grilling.
The host made shepard's pie with lamb. I'd never had shepard's pie made with lamb; it was really good.
You're most welcome!
And I'd forgotten about shepherd's pie. It's time to make one I think. Just the weather here for it too now: cold, dark and rainy.
Well, what started off as an overwhelming month is turning into one of the most incredible positivity, learning and good experiences.
Downside was I had a very brief dip into the worry (read: panic) of being cheated on. I expressed it (very, very badly) to the wonderful man I am with. I can see how much I upset and hurt him, and I can also see how much I need to learn to just talk constructively and positively with the person I am with, how much I need to learn to take the heat and emotion out of some things.
I never had that in my M. We **never** talked about questions/issues/problems. I feel like I tried, and I know that he just couldn't. I had other people say that about him as well while we were M, good friends of his, so it wasn't just me. It was the way he was.