Hi. I used to be ss06 from way back in 2014. Remember me?
I feel like I've completely lost track of so many who helped me through some very dark times. People who reminded me that I WAS strong, that I WAS fierce, that I HAD courage and that there was room for me to grow no matter the direction of my marriage. I want to reconnect. I want to give the support that I received here, that helped me wake up every morning and put one foot in front of the other, breathe in and breathe out, GAL and figure myself out. I need to relearn everyone's names and reconnect them to past stories.
Here I am in the midst of surviving the Big D process and I feel like it will just never, ever end. Divorce to me feels like slowly pulling duct tape off my mouth but since the tape has been there for 18+ years, my skin is being pulled off with it.
Frustration, fear, anger, fury, resentment, sadness, grief... I feel these things every day NOT over the loss of my marriage. No. I feel them while trying to co-parent with my STBX, while trying to go through this painstaking process of divorce. It feels like it's about retribution for him. It feels like his intention is to cause as much pain, gaslight, confuse and spew in my direction in an effort to get what he wants and by god he's going to assert his dominance as much as possible.
For the sake of my daughter I have been reasonable, understanding, empathetic, permissive and overwhelmingly flexible but I'm starting to see that he's mowing over me and I need to find my courage again. How do you stand up to a narcissist? They always say "don't engage" but I have to raise a little human with this person and I don't know how.
I'm tired guys. I'm tired of him saying horrible things to me and me being the bigger person and taking the reasonable path. I'm tired of anxiety because i have no idea what his next move will be. I'm tired of my daughter being so unregulated from no structure or consistency on his part (partially because he is incapable of structure and consistency but I am beginning to wonder if it's just to spite me and to battle my "authority").
Anyway, all of that to say that I am happy to catch up with many of you and to provide some support while we all walk this path.
SS, I'm sorry this is dragging out for you, but happy you've come back for support. My name in 2014 was rppfl. But you know who I am. :-) Welcome
to the neighborhood.
SS, I'm sorry this is dragging out for you, but happy you've come back for support. My name in 2014 was rppfl. But you know who I am. :-) Welcome
to the neighborhood.
Thanks for the welcome, Sunny.
HI V! Great to see you around!
Courage,
Welcome back. You might want to think about linking your last thread here under your former name so that others can go back and read/re-read your history.
Courage,
Welcome back. You might want to think about linking your last thread here under your former name so that others can go back and read/re-read your history.
Brilliant!
CLICK
HERE
For the sake of my daughter I have been reasonable, understanding, empathetic, permissive and overwhelmingly flexible but I'm starting to see that he's mowing over me and I need to find my courage again. How do you stand up to a narcissist?
Letting the narcissist walk over you doesn't help - you need to establish some boundaries. Fortunately my youngest was 17 when my ex left, so my co-parenting problems were less that yours, but perhaps some of the strategies I used would help you.
I trained my ex to communicate by email only. If he called, I let it go to voice mail and texted him a response. If he texted, I emailed him back and sent a text saying "check your email."
I found it lessened my stress, and for you, gives you a record of what he has said in case you ever need it in court.
I'm tired of my daughter being so unregulated from no structure or consistency on his part (partially because he is incapable of structure and consistency but I am beginning to wonder if it's just to spite me and to battle my "authority").
Pick your battles. You cannot control what he does when you're not there. Eventually your daughter will grow up a bit and take charge of her homework and other things. In the meantime, let her fail if she has to. Don't rescue her and him from the consequences of his inattention. And don't get sucked into a power struggle over things like her bedtime. Just do the best you can with the time you have with her and let go of the rest. Odds are, once the divorce is over, he will gradually drift off and spend less time with her.
Don't give up anything important in the divorce financials just because he whines. Be firm, fair and objective. Once the divorce paperwork is signed, restrict all communication with him to essential stuff related to your child only.
Focus on building a great new life for yourself and your child and try to let go of as much as you can. Don't let him continue to gaslight you. Just keep the relationship superficial and formal - like with a stranger you met at a party - and don't let him push your buttons.
Thank you, kml.
Yes, boundaries. Those are hard to enforce. He bucks against them simply to buck against them. He doesn't want to be controlled (even if he's not being controlled, he doesn't want the feeling or impression that he is being controlled) in any way. He is the king of the excuse and the exception so when I enforce the boundary I am accused of being punitive. I need to put more effort here though. Definitely.
My daughter has severe ADHD and moderate ODD. This means that she is a basket case without serious structure and consistency. A neuro-typical (NT) child can have variations to their day and they adapt and modulate their behavior appropriately. My daughter is not truly capable of that. When things are chaotic, unpredictable, transitions unmanaged, etc., her behavior is out of control (tantrums, trouble sleeping, prolonged bouts of intense anger, persistent arguing over minor issues). With a consistent and strict schedule, she is not only easier to handle but she reports feeling more secure, more "tucked in" because she knows what is expected of her and what's coming next. The structure and consistency is crucial for her development and growth so she can function in society and her behavioral therapist has said this specifically.
STBX struggles to get D9 to her activities (these are activities that she has had as part of her schedule long before the divorce so it's really just maintaining the status quo for her) on time, with everything she needs (remember she has ADHD so she struggles with executive function issues, she needs help remembering her paraphernalia and staying on task) if at all. He has severe ADHD, too. He takes aderall but not consistently so he simply cannot be relied upon for much of anything. Now, I'm not a tyrant. I understand that things come up, sometimes the kid skips karate because she's been go-go-go for a while and she needs a night off. I get it. That's perfectly fine. But out of 10 classes, stbx will "maybe" get her to 4 and she'll be late, not have her hair up (as required) and she likely will not have what she needs for class. That's a 40% success rate for consistency. That's failing. Flat out. When I talk to him about the importance of her getting to class, etc., he tells me either 1). He's doing the best he can (really? 40% is the best you can?) or 2) karate isn't that important anyway, she's not really learning anything.
I guess what I'm saying is that I know D9 will likely suffer some later in life because of the divorce. I don't want her to suffer because she doesn't have the understanding that when you commit to something then you work hard to make it to class.
Anyone else's ex not get the kids to their stuff consistently?
This is a battle I have to fight. It is what is best for her development and sense of security. He has even agreed to as much when he's having a moment of grounded rationality. Multiple times. But then it becomes inconvenient and he says, "karate isn't that important anyway...". The cycle is maddening.
Courage, I have to say, I think you are aptly named! In reading your sitch, my heart goes out to you. Fortunately, when I went through D, my kids were all adults, out of the house. So, there was no back and forth with H trying to get him to do the right thing where they were concerned.
Kudos to you for fighting for that sweet girl! And for not wanting her to suffer needlessly. You sound like such a good mom. Hang in there!
Courage, I have to say, I think you are aptly named! In reading your sitch, my heart goes out to you. Fortunately, when I went through D, my kids were all adults, out of the house. So, there was no back and forth with H trying to get him to do the right thing where they were concerned.
Kudos to you for fighting for that sweet girl! And for not wanting her to suffer needlessly. You sound like such a good mom. Hang in there!
Dawn, thank you. I REALLY needed to hear that today.
I think there is one significant item that I failed to report to those reading, an update of sorts.
In September 2015 my stbx was diagnosed with a brain tumor that is theorized to be malignant. I say theorized because it is in a location that makes it impossible to biopsy. It basically has taken over his entire hypothalamus. There seems to be some debate on how best to treat it but he has chosen the "wait and see and if it grows we attack it with radiation" route. The prognosis is rather nebulous. As long as it's not growing, he has about 10+ years. When it starts to grow ("when", not "if"), he may have from 3-12 months. He has scans every 3-6 months to track whether it's growing. He has put off the most recent scan that was due in November. Why? Because he is "getting his thyroid issue back under control". See, in 2013 he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, had his thyroid removed along with about 27 lymph nodes and then had radioactive iodine treatment to kill off any remaining thyroid cells. He was put on thyroid hormone meds with strict instruction that if he lapsed in taking them or took them inconsistently, serious problems could occur and his cancer could come back. Well guess what. His thyroid cancer is back.
Yeah. I know.
I think we all need to hear such things sometimes, Courage. I just saw a meme on facebook this morning something about being proud and for whatever reason, I felt compelled to share it with my daughters and my best friend's daughter who lost her mom a few years ago, so I have stepped into a somewhat motherly role for her. Anyway, all of the girls responded with love and thanks, but one also responded that she really needed to hear that right now.
Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all put as much effort into lifting each other up as we did in complaining about our trials and tribulations?
Oy, the dance of the narcissist co-parent. Guys, really.
I'm tired of being yelled at, at being told I manipulate everything, being told I'm a "Monster", being told that I'm doing all I can to take our daughter away from him. The lies are exhausting. The spewing is overwhelming. The projection is nonstop.
I know what's behind it. He's afraid. I can hear it in his voice and the way he fights. He's afraid. I can absolutely empathize. This is terrifying, without question. But does that mean you lash out and verbally stab over and over and over? Does that mean you accuse the me of absolute falsities?
I can't sleep. I haven't eaten in two days. My heart pounds at the very thought of all of this and the damage this could do to my daughter. How do I protect her? How do I stay strong?
How do I get off the narcissistic roller coaster?
Wait a minute - I'm not sure that you can make an accurate diagnosis of narcissism (OR ADHD) in the presence of thyroid cancer and a brain tumor.
Both of those things can seriously impair his thinking and memory so it's no wonder he can't get her to her karate classes.
Serious personality changes can happen with a brain tumor (benign or cancerous) and, to a lesser degree, with thyroid hormone imbalances.
So - even if he's always been a jerk, your approach to dealing with him right now has to take his serious mental handicaps into account.
Maybe it would help to look at him like someone with Alzheimer's. Would you expect your grandmother with Alzheimer's to get her to karate on time? Or would you make other arrangements to get her there, or perhaps take her out of grandma's care altogether?
If your ex is having so much difficulty, would he be willing to give up some custody? (Let him be weekend Disneyland dad and you have her during the week?) Or if not, can you document everything and then go to court to reduce his custody (as it sounds like his judgment and memory are impaired by his medical problems)?
Also - for your daughter - two things. First, look up data on phosphatidyl serine and ADD. It's a benign supplement that was shown in one study to work as well as Ritalin for kids with ADD, it's not a stimulant and usually no side effects.
Second - does she really have ODD, or could she possibly have some OCD instead? An older, but excellent book on the subject is The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport. Also an excellent parenting book for kids with extreme personality traits is Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinkas.
BTW - your ex may have failed to take his thyroid medication regularly BECAUSE he has a brain tumor that is messing up his memory and thinking. It sounds like he really needs help - is there anyone in his family that can assume a caretaking role for him right now?
Sweetheart courage
You are likely to need full custody. There are a few things I believe I know:
Unless you have a formal diagnosis please don't do so yourself, look at the behaviour towards you, erratic, abusive and blaming, that's enough
Identify that abuse as systematic, there before your R and continuing afterwards
Boundaries and limits with abusers never work, they intensify the abuse. Compulsivity and splitting (black and white thinking) intensify under boundary limits
The best ways to deal with abusers is to get out of the way of being abused as much as you can, this will help your wonderful D9 to cope as you will be much less stressed
Parralel parent with your D9, not come parent. Provide a haven world in your home
Your abuser will show himself in his true colours, get out of the way of limiting his poor behaviour, you can't do so
Document, record, annotate, use email and text, preferably through a parenting monitoring programme there are several approved court tools
The more you stay cool, cease to react and deliberately remove your emotional reactions to your private time the better you will cope
It's ok to struggle, walk to the pain, accept your struggle, it's all on cue and it's ok.
Your D9 can thrive with one wonderful parent, that's you
If your abuser can't cope and D9 is late and without her shoes, books, dinner, etc note it. Make sure you over document, keep notes, get teachers, tutors etc to text or email you on the facts. Let go, let the ex parent in his haphazard abusive way, he will show his true colours all on his own. The quicker this happens the better.
Lies, well he will won't he? Liars, lie. It is their nature, abusers abuse. We are the crazy ones expecting them to be different, that's our expectation. We have no control over the lying and abuse. None, not one jot of control. ZILCH. All you have is your reaction, and if you go really? That's not how I see it or we both know that's not so or that's hilarious. My best ever response to the Giggalo was "I see you are talking about yourself".
You can't win, he can't win. The only way is not to play.
The pen is mightiest of all, as is the recorder and true witnesses. If necessary have D9 in therapy with a therapist prepared to stand for her best interest in court. One that doesn't need to also interview the abuser. Abuse therapy is important for D9. I think so.
This is a long campaign. You are truly able to do this I know.
Easy, calm, breathe and to a certain extent the enough rope and hang are appropriate.
It's tough I know
V
Thyroid disorder. Lack of thyroxine causes serious metabolic issues and is unlikely to cause personality disorder. Behavioural issues deriving from metabolic imbalances, confusion, severe tiredness and being weary.
Abuse?
Unlikely.
I have no thyroid function following radiotherapy in 2001, and am part of a large support group and usually thyroid removal has a damping effect on bad behaviour rather than enhancing. People with disorders can have thyroid issues too. Sort of like having a broken leg and Malaria.
Can't comment on the brain tumour, as I have no experience.
My 2c
V
Lack of thyroid hormone causes depression, forgetfulness, and sometimes irritability. At extremes it can cause psychosis (high or low). It can also LOOK like ADD because short-term memory is poor.
Brain tumors,and other brain diseases,can cause severe personality changes, including abusive behavior. One example is football players that have Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. Also degenerative brain diseases like Huntington's disease can cause erratic, abusive behavior. The medical literature is full of accounts of personality changes in brain tumor patients.
There's no point in reasoning with him if he has organic brain disease. Protecting your daughter and yourself (and him, if you can enlist a family member to help him) should be the priority.
Hey Courage. Just got the message that you're the original ss. Welcome back.
I'm too tired to post right now but wanted to say hi. Good to hear from you and talk soon.
Wait a minute - I'm not sure that you can make an accurate diagnosis of narcissism (OR ADHD) in the presence of thyroid cancer and a brain tumor.
He had ADHD long before the thyroid cancer or brain tumor diagnosis. Like over 20+ years before either.
Both of those things can seriously impair his thinking and memory so it's no wonder he can't get her to her karate classes.
He has never been able to manage a schedule, plan for the future, consider the impact of his actions on anyone else... these are all executive function issues stemming from ADHD. He pays bills late, can't use a calendar with alerts to help him remember appointments, has terrible time management and prioritization skills and ALWAYS has. These existed long before the thyroid or brain tumor. I've known him since he was 19 and have met friends of his who has known him since childhood and they have said that he was always that way.
Serious personality changes can happen with a brain tumor (benign or cancerous) and, to a lesser degree, with thyroid hormone imbalances.
So - even if he's always been a jerk, your approach to dealing with him right now has to take his serious mental handicaps into account.
You're absolutely right, kml, though I have no idea how. He seems "stable" for a couple months, easier to work with, somewhat communicative and sometimes even pleasant and friendly and then out of no where he's angry, yelling, accusing me of doing things I haven't done and never, ever would. He becomes vindictive and full of rage and says I manipulate everything. He projects everything onto me and, by the way, it is ALL my fault.
He inconsistently takes his thyroid meds which impacts his energy significantly (and possibly behavior), he's on adderal for ADHD but he takes that inconsistently, too. I think he's on an antidepressant that he takes inconsistently as well and because the brain tumor has taken over his hypothalamus, he is on testosterone shots as well, and those can bring on anger/argumentativeness also.
To say it's a roller coaster is to put it mildly.
Maybe it would help to look at him like someone with Alzheimer's. Would you expect your grandmother with Alzheimer's to get her to karate on time? Or would you make other arrangements to get her there, or perhaps take her out of grandma's care altogether?
No, I wouldn't expect someone with alzheimers to take on any real responsibility of any kind but he INSISTS that my standards are too high in order to absolve himself of having to take any responsibility at all.
If your ex is having so much difficulty, would he be willing to give up some custody? (Let him be weekend Disneyland dad and you have her during the week?) Or if not, can you document everything and then go to court to reduce his custody (as it sounds like his judgment and memory are impaired by his medical problems)?
He is literally fighting me SO HARD for between 6% and 10% custody. Yep, you read that right. We currently have a 40/60 custody split with the overwhelming majority of our daughter's karate/piano, etc falling on MY nights because he not only struggles to get her anywhere on time but he doesn't ensure she has what she needs, etc. This is his example of me being too controlling and having exceptionally high expectations. It's not too much to ask that she get to karate, on time (if not a little early so she can settle into the transition since that's a struggle for her sometimes) with everything she needs for a successful class behaviorally, emotionally, and physically. These are not new extracurriculars. These existed before separation and are GOOD for her in a myriad of ways.
He wants 50% custody and is willing to take me to court for it. I have proposed private mediation and his attorney said he was open that but I'm not totally sure of that because he keeps threatening to file a motion with the court. He doesn't want to be seen as the Disneyland dad but that is actually what he is: the "let's go do something fun and forget about any responsibilities like managing / monitoring screen time, getting meds on time consistently, consistent bedtimes, getting showers consistently, etc". He wants the credit for being a "good dad" but is unable to take on the responsibility that goes with it. He doesn't even know our daughter's dentist's name let alone where she is located and even if he ever did take her (which he has never done) he wouldn't communicate anything the dentist said back to me so I then either have to draaaaag it out of him, call the dentist directly or perhaps even take our daughter BACK for a follow-up that he should have handled or communicated.
It's a nightmare.
He wants 50/50 custody because, as he says, "he has a brain tumor and he doesn't know how long he'll actually have to spend precious time with" our daughter but, on weekends he has her he sleeps in until noon. How is that precious time?
Also - for your daughter - two things. First, look up data on phosphatidyl serine and ADD. It's a benign supplement that was shown in one study to work as well as Ritalin for kids with ADD, it's not a stimulant and usually no side effects.
Second - does she really have ODD, or could she possibly have some OCD instead? An older, but excellent book on the subject is The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport. Also an excellent parenting book for kids with extreme personality traits is Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinkas.
She is officially and clinically diagnosed with ADHD and ODD by a panel of doctors (each with a different area of expertise) through USC Children's Hospital. She exhibited no signs traits of OCD.
I plan to bring up stbx's health issues with the private mediator even though he has specifically asked me to "not use his health against him". I feel that if he's using it as a way to acquire custody that he genuinely cannot handle, I then can express my genuine concern about it. I'm insecure about that though. I feel like it's fighting dirty even though I know deep down I have to fight for what's right for D9 and that may mean less time with her dad.
I hate this. Every single second of it.
BTW - your ex may have failed to take his thyroid medication regularly BECAUSE he has a brain tumor that is messing up his memory and thinking. It sounds like he really needs help - is there anyone in his family that can assume a caretaking role for him right now?
I don't know that it's that bad just yet but even if it were, he'd never let anyone take care of him really. Well, his girlfriend, yes, but I'm not sure she'd be able to handle it.
kml, zues, vanilla,
I REALLY appreciate you all dropping by.
kml, you asked all the right questions and I appreciate that. You sure know your stuff.
I seem to have lost all ability to judge just how a bad a situation is while I'm in the middle of it... sort of like turning the temperature up on the stove while sitting in the pot. Am I in a slow simmer? Is it boiling like nuts and I'm just looking around wondering why I'm having all these panic attacks in the middle of the night? Am I gas lighting myself because stbx has trained me so well over the past 20 years that I just spare him the effort and do it for him?
I feel paralyzed. I mean really paralyzed.
He has ALWAYS struggled with getting things done and having any general sense of responsibility so his behavior isn't worse now than it was before any of these dx.
I wouldn't win a fight for full custody and I don't even think that's what's best necessarily. Of course right now he's doing a great job of getting d9 to her extracurriculars... because we'll likely be meeting with a mediator soon and he knows that will come up. His M.O. though is to do REALLY well for a few weeks, maybe even a full month and then slowly decline using every excuse in the book. Then he decides that "she's not really into karate anymore so I'm not going to take her" or "she says she wants to quit piano, she's not learning anything anyway". Mark my words... in less than a month, that's where we'll be. But until then, he'll accuse me of doing everything in my power to keep her away from him.
I want to roll my eyes, cry, scream and throw a fit all at the same time... and yet none of that gets me anywhere while the water is boiling over.
Hi Courage,
Glad to see you back here getting support, I must have missed you the first time around. I arrived here back in March 2015. I don't post often anymore as there are only a few of my tribe left, V and Zues being among them.
I am curious as to why you think you would not win full custody and why you think it would not necessarily be in your daughters best interest if you did. If you could divulge more of your thinking I would appreciate it.
Through my work I have worked with a number of families in your position. Your situation is complex and easy to get lost in the day to day overwhelm and drama, that occurs with a child presenting with certain needs, her father with significantly compromised physical wellness and a life crisis related to death and loss, with the possibility of stxh dying, and the ending of marriage and family through divorce.
Are you working with any specialist regarding your family's presenting situation. I don't mean specialist for your daughters and stbx's diagnoses, and I don't mean a mediator. I mean, a home visiting specialist, who understands acute family dynamics and the impact of health and disability issues on family functioning.
There are some clear vulnerabilities here, you included, as the most functioning individual in this family system. The pressure to make the right choices, to ensure safety and maintain relationships is beyond a burden. The load needs to shared.
It is apparent that something is going to have to give, and soon and it feels like you daughter maybe the one who wears burden.
I am trying to make sense of something from your writing. I keep coming back to you being scared of something, but can't work it out. What's stopping you from saying no to him. He is clearly struggling to the point where you believe it is impacting on your daughter's mental and emotional well being and her daily functioning. What's the barrier to stopping it? What would be need to happen for you to say no more for your daughter? For yourself?
You must be beyond exhausted, you say as much. Problem-solving and coping mechanisms decrease with people who at are mental and physical overload. Are you at burnout? If you are not, what would push you there? Is your daughter there? How bad does her behaviour and emotional dysregulation have to be before it is enough for her?
The answers to these questions are important, as they guide the urgency with which actions need to take place and which ones are the most appropriate given what is presenting in the here and now.
Maybe we can help you nut this out.
I might sound over zealous in asking these questions Courage, but I am worried for you, your daughter and even stbx.
I take no offense if you do not feel like responding to any of the above. I completely understand.
I wish you all much light and love through this part of your journey.
JellyBxxx
Hi Jelly! I do appreciate your questions and your concern. I'm going to try to answer them all and I hope that doing so will bring me some clarity. If not, maybe you could not-so-gently kick some clarity my way.
I am curious as to why you think you would not win full custody and why you think it would not necessarily be in your daughters best interest if you did. If you could divulge more of your thinking I would appreciate it.
Let's see if I can explain:
Stbx isn't incapacitated in any way, I mean, besides his long-standing struggle to be organized, plan, get things done. The tumor isn't affecting him as of yet. It's not growing (though he has not had a recent scan and is not forthright with information about his health to me because he thinks I'll use it against him) and is low-grade.
He's a good dad in a "fun dad" way. His biggest fear is that D9 won't remember him or that he won't leave a legacy for others to remember him. He has always been a let's-drop-everything-and-go-do-something-fun-today-dad and has never been super responsible about much. He has always been the squeaky-wheel-gets-the-grease-guy so if a bill is WAY overdue, that's when it gets paid but if there are bills unopened sitting on the table, they'll sit there for two months because other things have priority and "he's only one man". This is also why we are only NOW getting 2014 taxes filed. I'm kicking myself that I wasn't more involved in our taxes during our marriage but I literally could not do it all.
I don't think that his lack of type-A-ness means he is disqualified from having custody of D9. Am I way off base?
He contends that he DESERVES to spend valuable time with her because he doesn't know how long he has left. I push that 50/50 is fine so long as she gets to her extracurriculars, gets her meds on time and that he picks up 50% of the responsibility (doctor's apts, dental apts, managing her prescriptions, makes sure I'm not being his mommy by having to remind him about things). He of course agrees that he will do all of that but previously when we had 50/50 custody, he was woefully unreliable. He'd "forget" about karate (even though it is at the same time every week for the last 3 years), he'd "forget" about piano (same time every week for the past 4 years), she'd get to bed late because after karate he'd go to the market since there was no food in the house and then they'd get home around 7:30 which is when he'd start cooking dinner.
Is it annoying? YOU BET! Is it super frustrating that he can't seem to handle 50/50 custody? YES! But does that mean D9 shouldn't spend that time with him?
I don't know. I've lost all judgement on what is right.
Are you working with any specialist regarding your family's presenting situation. I don't mean specialist for your daughters and stbx's diagnoses, and I don't mean a mediator. I mean, a home visiting specialist, who understands acute family dynamics and the impact of health and disability issues on family functioning.
No. It's not like stbx is lying in a hospital bed. He's up, working (when he has a job), driving, having a social life, etc.
There are some clear vulnerabilities here, you included, as the most functioning individual in this family system. The pressure to make the right choices, to ensure safety and maintain relationships is beyond a burden. The load needs to shared.
You're right. The load needs to be shared but stbx shares no burden and never has. He is VERY strong-willed and pushes and pushes and pushes until he gets his way. Fighting him is close to impossible. I begin to question whether I have any right to fight 50/50 custody. I'm not even sure I'd have any recourse if he "promises" to get D9 to all of her extra curriculars consistently and on time and then slowly becomes unreliable in that area (which is what has happened in the past and is basically his M.O. when it comes to areas of responsibility). What is the court going to do? "Oh, you don't take her to karate? Well, then you can't have custody." No, they won't do that.
When I call him on his slow decline of responsibility he denies it and then, like someone who has been gas-lighted for 20 years, I think I must be nuts. So I document and refer to it often. But not getting D9 to karate consistently, even though that's what he said he will do, is not egregious enough an offense to take away custody. Right? Or am I wrong here?
It is apparent that something is going to have to give, and soon and it feels like you daughter maybe the one who wears burden.
D9 is actually doing very well for the first time in years. The last few months she has shown a maturity and sense of self I've never seen in her before. Her therapist agrees that she is doing well and would be capable of handling a more flexible schedule. Things are less chaotic with her for sure, in the last two months.
I am trying to make sense of something from your writing. I keep coming back to you being scared of something, but can't work it out. What's stopping you from saying no to him. He is clearly struggling to the point where you believe it is impacting on your daughter's mental and emotional well being and her daily functioning. What's the barrier to stopping it? What would be need to happen for you to say no more for your daughter? For yourself?
I'm scared he won't keep his promise. I'm scared I won't have any recourse when he doesn't. I'm scared of saying no to 50/50 custody and spending $20K in court only to have them give him 50/50 custody. I'm scared of the damage all of this could cause D9. I'm scared of her saying to me, "why do I see dad so much less than I see you?! I want to see him more". I'm scared of her accusing me of keeping her from him when she's older and being angry with me. I'm scared of his slow decline in consistency with her will change how well she has been doing. I'm scared of being so exhausted that I won't fight for what is right. I'm scared I don't even know what IS right. I'm scared of being strong-armed and steam rolled by him. I'm scared of his gas-lighting. I'm scared I don't trust my own instincts. I'm scared of how anxious I am. I am scared of the power he has over me. I'm scared he'll make me out to be some controlling mother who doesn't understand a father's equal right to his child. I am just really scared.
You must be beyond exhausted, you say as much. Problem-solving and coping mechanisms decrease with people who at are mental and physical overload. Are you at burnout? If you are not, what would push you there? Is your daughter there? How bad does her behaviour and emotional dysregulation have to be before it is enough for her?
I am beyond exhausted. It's Wednesday and I think I've gotten 4-5 hours sleep total since Sunday night. Each day I slowly chip at my own argument for him not having as much custody. I say to myself, "maybe I am being too controlling. How bad could it be? She loves him and wants to be with him, there's no harm in that". My gut tells me he just can't handle it but the other hand is telling me that maybe I should let him fail? Again, I don't know.
Yes, I am getting close to burnout. I've resisted an anti-anxiety rx but I called my doc for one today. Not sleeping and panic attacks every time he emails or texts has me in a very unhealthy state and I realize that.
My daughter doesn't know about any of this custody discussion. She's pleasantly unaware and that's good. Things are stable for her and consistent (because stbx knows we may go to mediation and will soon be discussing custody, he is on his best behavior as far as being responsible with her). If she becomes unregulated because of his inconsistency or poor responsibility I will fight AGAIN but I'm not sure what recourse I'll have then.
The answers to these questions are important, as they guide the urgency with which actions need to take place and which ones are the most appropriate given what is presenting in the here and now.
Maybe we can help you nut this out.
I might sound over zealous in asking these questions Courage, but I am worried for you, your daughter and even stbx.
I take no offense if you do not feel like responding to any of the above. I completely understand.
I appreciate you asking these questions. I can feel that others are worried for me and that makes me feel like I should take more action but I am lost, JellyB. He has a justification for everything. I am dying to sit with the mediator and really spend the time to break down all of this about my concerns regarding his wavering responsibility / consistency, his health, etc. but if he is there (and he would be since it's mediation), he will interrupt, overpower, contradict, manipulate, gas light... ANYTHING and I get lost in his projection, conflation of the facts, deflection and steam rolling...
This whole process is so terrifying. It hits my fear center so pointedly. I need help. A strategy. I don't trust my judgement anymore. I can't see through the fog.
Courage,
I am dying to sit with the mediator and really spend the time to break down all of this about my concerns regarding his wavering responsibility / consistency, his health, etc. but if he is there (and he would be since it's mediation), he will interrupt, overpower, contradict, manipulate, gas light... ANYTHING and I get lost in his projection, conflation of the facts, deflection and steam rolling...
You may find it more comfortable to have each of you in separate rooms. Oh, and the mediator will see through any crap.
Courage,
I am just home from a long day at work, and I have read your response to my questions. Just from my brief perusal of your responses, you are more reasonable and self knowing than you think. I need to do some chores and such, and maybe ponder a little on your words (I'm an introvert, so I need some marinading time). But my general impression is you have a considered view of your stbx as a father, you recognise both his strengths and his weaknesses. Your daughter is doing well currently, this is yours and her therapist assessment, and you obviously feel her desire to be in his space. There is definite room to move here. My feeling off the top, is your exhaustion, anxiety and fear, are colouring your ability to see the strengths of this situation and your ability to advocate for a happy medium, given how poorly stbx, acts out towards you. Control of yourself and less over him and playing to his strengths as a parent, and minimising his weaknesses seems the way to go.
I really do think there is more positive here and than negative. The fact that your lovely daughter is maturing and finding her balance and self in the midst of these circumstances is just amazing. Children with your daughter's diagnoses are super sensitive to their surroundings, including the invisible stressors, its like they have sixth sense to things being slightly off. However she sounds like she is growing, potentially thriving. Whatever you have been doing has been building her personal resiliencies and capacities. She may be able to buffer more than she was once capable off. Maybe she is fully aware of her father's shortcomings and somehow, someway she has learned to compensate. Maybe his "fun dad" is all she needs him to be. It is enough to fill her love bucket. Maybe she relishes a little flexibility and adaptability to her life and schedule, as she likely has a lot of structure and routine in the rest of her life. I really don't know Courage, I'm really just throwing some initial ideas around, trying to bring a Beginners Mind to this situation of yours.
But in all this, you my lovely woman, need some relief. I'm glad you are considering options. Oxygen mask analogy is appropriate here, but so too, is the brain can only handle so much. Trying new strategies and being solution focussed, requires a clear mind. Lack of sleep and genuine rest, means the body is in a constant state of flight, flight or freeze. You mentioned feeling paralyzed yesterday. Your mind and body are taking care of you. It believes you are under attack. First we work towards feelings of safety and decompression for the heightened state you are in.
V talks about extreme self care, particularly for those of us who have experienced high levels of conflict, possible abuse and trauma. Believe me this site is a testament to divorce being a traumatic life a event. It should be honored for those who have experienced it as such. Honor your overwhelm and exhaustion Courage. A friend of mine told another friend of mine, who has a very similar situation to yours (a spewing ex and a child with mental health vulnerabilities) , that it is like you are standing on your head, while juggling dinner plates, all the while trying to wrangle a set of wild cats, it's kind of reasonable that you would find it hard and exhausting.
Anyway Courage, I must away. But we are all here, to love and walk through this with you. You may feel alone in this, but there is always some here, ready to listen, and at the very least, pay homage to the amazing woman and mother you and what an AWESOME job you are doing!!!!
Much Love
JellyB XXX
Jelly,
I can't express properly in words how much I REALLY needed to hear every single word you wrote. Your timing is incredible and I appreciate the time and care you took to write your thoughts. I question myself so much these days but your affirmation and validation has made me feel much more grounded. I feel like maybe I can trust my judgement a bit more and for that I owe you a debt of gratitude.
Thank you. Thank you so much!
You've given me courage!!!
Hi Courage, just stopping by to see how things are going. Thank you for the kind words, but I only call things as I see them, and all need people to remind us of our spectacular we really are. Many special people from here gave me that gift when I needed it, and I am happy to pass on the love.
I have read through your posts again and just wondering what your ideal care and custody arrangement would like in the context of daughter and stbx. The extra-cirrular activities seem to be the sticking point for you. At least that is what comes across in your posts. I don't know your daughter's schedule, so I don't know if there is room to schedule her extra-curricular activities when she is not in his care.
You talked about a possible 40/60 arrangement. What would this look like?
Would you be prepared to do a 50/50 arrangement but still provide the pick and drop offs to activities. Look I may have only picked up on one of the worries you have about stbx parenting. But to me this seems to be the main one. Which appears with some parental buffering by you, may well be addressed.
On reflecting on your words, I feel that a lot of what is going on for I see with a number of parents on the board. The frustration of what he "should be" doing. I have seen that this leaves the full time parent with feelings of anger and resentment and of course the overwhelm of parenting with out support. Having spoken to many of friends about this issue, my observations have been, its the anger and resentment that eats you up and makes things difficult, rather than coming to some acceptance, that he isn't stepping up like you think he "should", so you might as well work with what he is giving up. And what he is giving you is "fun dad" or what other's here call " Disney Dad".
My suggestion would be how can you come up with a custody agreement that works to his Disney Dad parenting style. Look I know it not fair, but as my friend Zues says life isn't fair. But you have to find a solution that brings you as much peace of mind as possible. Don't get me wrong, peace of mind is does not mean physically and practically taxing. It just means your not piling mental and emotional energy on top of the practical and typical emotional demands of parenting.
Anyway Courage, just some thoughts. I hope you and your lovely girl are having a good weekend.
Much Love
JellyBxxx.
PS I understand you know my friend SunnyB!!!
I have read Jellyb amazing posts to you and your responses.
My concern is you, not D9 or H, but you.
In this dynamic you are the most important 'factor of production' and without extreme self care the system breaks. It does so because you do.
I understand that you are concerned for both D and H, but in reality your welfare must come first. This is likely to deteriorate as H health declines. He is not yet dependent or unable to take care of himself. He is the dad he is and that is separate from his role as H. It truly is separate. Absolutely his sandbox.
Children come first that is as it is, in order to do that to a large extent you have to take extreme care of you.
Frankly I would like to see your goals and plans for you.
Remember holding in this position is good enough, often just treading water is enough. Your health iservices declining, you are exhausted and weary, you are anxious (using your own words). I get it, truly I get it, if you read my threads you can see I am narrowly avoiding fin disaster and I work 80 plus hours a week in peak times. Different sitch although the dynamic is similar.
So
How do you eat?
What is your sleep like?
Do you exercise even a little?
Have you had a full PHYSICAL? Do you know your numbers?
Do you GAL?
Have treats such as massages, naILs, hairdressers......
Do you need supplements or hormone support?
Do you dress to the shoes?
Have you a confidant, that loves and supports you?
An IC?
Some me time?
Truly value self care, you are worth it and a role model for D.
I recollect the amazing RD always advising me on self care, to put my money where my mouth is and now I do. Recovery from depletion is slow and steady and easily set back. There are challenges to come like an athlete you can build your resilience to meet it.
You are stronger than you know.
V
The extra-cirrular activities seem to be the sticking point for you. At least that is what comes across in your posts. I don't know your daughter's schedule, so I don't know if there is room to schedule her extra-curricular activities when she is not in his care.
Yes, I feel that if he wants half of the custody, he should take on half of the parental responsibilities, too. It's not about fairness, it's more about, well, that's what parenting is. If he wants to be "fun" dad and leave the work and responsibility up to me, then he can have wednesdays and every other weekend. If he's up 50/50 custody then he can take on 50% of the work and responsibilities.
You talked about a possible 40/60 arrangement. What would this look like?
We currently have about 40/60 now and the vast majority of the shuttling falls on my portion. I'm ok with that generally because then at least i know she's getting to her things on time and prepared. He's pushing for 50/50 which is FINE, great even, but then he can pick up some of the responsibility, too.
Would you be prepared to do a 50/50 arrangement but still provide the pick and drop offs to activities. Look I may have only picked up on one of the worries you have about stbx parenting. But to me this seems to be the main one. Which appears with some parental buffering by you, may well be addressed.
Parental buffering, in this case, feels like I'm being mowed over. My time with D9 is mostly shuttling to and from things. If he wants 10% more custody then he can share the responsibility, too. I don't think that's a ridiculous expectation from a dad who wants 50% custody. With my 50% being FULL of extra curricular and his being completely unencumbered he then gets solid quality time with D9 and I get to be her Uber. If we share the ubering then we each get equal quality time, too. Does that make sense? I feel like that is super reasonable.
My suggestion would be how can you come up with a custody agreement that works to his Disney Dad parenting style. Look I know it not fair, but as my friend Zues says life isn't fair. But you have to find a solution that brings you as much peace of mind as possible. Don't get me wrong, peace of mind is does not mean physically and practically taxing. It just means your not piling mental and emotional energy on top of the practical and typical emotional demands of parenting.
I see what you're saying here and it's not really about what he "should" be doing. It's more practical than that. I can't make it so he doesn't allow her to curse at his house. I can't make him limit her video game time while she's there. But if he wants to have her half of the time, he absolutely SHOULD be required to take her to things not because that's what I want but because that is what is BEST for D9, it's what she wants and it's what she needs for her development.
PS I understand you know my friend SunnyB!!!
I do indeed!!!
I have read Jellyb amazing posts to you and your responses.
My concern is you, not D9 or H, but you.
In this dynamic you are the most important 'factor of production' and without extreme self care the system breaks. It does so because you do.
I understand that you are concerned for both D and H, but in reality your welfare must come first. This is likely to deteriorate as H health declines. He is not yet dependent or unable to take care of himself. He is the dad he is and that is separate from his role as H. It truly is separate. Absolutely his sandbox.
Children come first that is as it is, in order to do that to a large extent you have to take extreme care of you.
Frankly I would like to see your goals and plans for you.
Remember holding in this position is good enough, often just treading water is enough. Your health iservices declining, you are exhausted and weary, you are anxious (using your own words). I get it, truly I get it, if you read my threads you can see I am narrowly avoiding fin disaster and I work 80 plus hours a week in peak times. Different sitch although the dynamic is similar.
So
How do you eat?
What is your sleep like?
Do you exercise even a little?
Have you had a full PHYSICAL? Do you know your numbers?
Do you GAL?
Have treats such as massages, naILs, hairdressers......
Do you need supplements or hormone support?
Do you dress to the shoes?
Have you a confidant, that loves and supports you?
An IC?
Some me time?
Truly value self care, you are worth it and a role model for D.
I recollect the amazing RD always advising me on self care, to put my money where my mouth is and now I do. Recovery from depletion is slow and steady and easily set back. There are challenges to come like an athlete you can build your resilience to meet it.
You are stronger than you know.
V
Hi Vanilla! I appreciate the visit and your expertise, too!
I understand that you are concerned for both D and H, but in reality your welfare must come first. This is likely to deteriorate as H health declines. He is not yet dependent or unable to take care of himself. He is the dad he is and that is separate from his role as H. It truly is separate. Absolutely his sandbox.
I agree. He is the dad he is and D9 loves him. I will not get in the way of that at all. They love each other and they each deserve as much time with one another as humanly possible given his health, etc. He, however, is not incapable of getting D9 to her required things and I feel it is not too much to expect that he get her to them consistently. That is part of being a dad.
To answer your questions:
How do you eat?Not well. I am not motivated in this area at all. When I'm especially anxious and having to deal with stbx a lot, I don't eat for days at a time. I know it's bad but things taste like cardboard or make me sick to my stomach during periods of high anxiety. When I'm less anxious, I eat intermittently and only what sounds good which, as we all know, isn't what's best for our bodies.
I do feel, however, that once this freaking divorce is over, I can resume some semblance of a reasonable diet.
What is your sleep like?This is hard to answer. When I am anxious I am often up at odd hours of the night for weeks. It is rare that I sleep through the night but that's not entirely because of my current situation. D9 has never been a good sleeper so sometimes we are up together. I find that if I leave her to her own devices, she will wake up at 2 am, read until 6 am and then struggle all day. It could take me a week to 10 days to get her back on a reasonable schedule. If I'm up with her, I'll talk to her for a bit, limit the reading and she's asleep soon thereafter. 9+ years of this has conditioned me to sometimes wake up at 2 am for months at a time just because.
Do you exercise even a little?This is where I could make a change. I canceled my yoga membership because the classes I liked were not at convenient times and I wasn't going. Then I bought a subscription to do yoga at home with online classes and that's just not nearly as dynamic or fun so I don't do it. I was running for a while but not much and I find I am in my head too much and continue to analyze my situation. I've tried all the tricks and music and apps and training strategies. I live where it's HOT a lot of the time so that makes it harder, too. I've thought about joining a gym to run on the treadmill but I don't know.
This is an area I need to explore. I'm scared to spend money, too. Mostly because it's on me and I feel like I need to squirrel away money to pay for that pesky attorney I keep needing.
Have you had a full PHYSICAL? Do you know your numbers?Yes and yes. I am strong and healthy.
Do you GAL?Not as much as I could but I do, yes. I'd love more girls nights but I just joined a political activist group that I hope to become more involved in, I host a mom's ADHD support group in my home a couple times a month. I coach swimming for the local kids swim club and that helps me get out of my head for a couple hours a couple times a week. How does this sound to you? Am I doing it?
Have treats such as massages, naILs, hairdressers......Yes! I started getting my nails done every two weeks and while I cringe when I pay for it, I do think it's important to splurge on myself some. I get my hair done about 4 times a year which right now is fine. There's a local massage school that provides massages at a discounted rate if you're ok with the non-spa atmosphere and I indulge about twice a year. I do try in this area.
Do you need supplements or hormone support?Supplements have largely been proven ineffective but I could take Vit D and Omega-3s. These could help me a lot. I'm not at a place yet where hormone support would help me.
Do you dress to the shoes?Yes. Daily. I've lost my drive to be fashionable like I was even a year ago. I'll admit, I'm a pony tail girl with yesterday's deodorant on while driving D9 to school. Then run around getting things done until I have to go pick her up again. How can I improve in this area?
Have you a confidant, that loves and supports you?Yes, I have about 6. Mostly my boyfriend, who is incredibly supportive and apparently not yet tired of hearing about all of this stuff. LOL In addition to him I have a number of friends who are there on a moment's notice. They are all over the country though so a texting relationship makes explaining things difficult but it's what I have.
An IC?About a month ago I started seeing an IC again.
Some me time?Since I drive 2-3 hours per day getting D9 to and from school each day I have plenty of time to just sit, listen to music, podcasts, silence, etc.
So, am I doing ok?
So the physical side is tiring you.
Poor eating, sleep patterns and exercise struggles are not going to cut it in the extreme self care arena.
Time to up the game. What do you want to achieve?
So goals.
Eating
Sleeping
Exercise
Where do you want to be in 1, 5 and 10 years?
What are your pathways to it?
V
Goals. Man. Goals are hard when I feel like I can't see to the end of my nose but they sure can't hurt so, here goes.
Where do I want to be in 1, 5 and 10 years with regard to my eating, sleeping and exercise or just in general?
Hey, lady,
It doesn't even matter whether it's those specific things or if it's more general goals. You make the ones that give you something to focus on while you're navigating this swampy place so you feel like you're moving forward. Sleep and exercise are tools to help you keep your equilibrium during this time.
I love that V made that recommendation -- I feel like I know so much about your ex and your daughter, but not so much about you lately. Where is Courage in her life? The one year goal is a vision of a small tweak that is within your control. Whether it's a fitness goal, or that you want to have read x number of books, whatever, something you can work towards without any other person's cooperation. Something that is JUST YOU. When you feel more like yourself you will have more strength.
HUGS to you, my friend.
Hi Maybell!!!
Well, after reading what you wrote I almost burst into tears. Not because you said anything bad or hurtful but I think it hit me that MY life hasn't been about me at all lately. That is quite a realization. I feel rather direction-less. Well, very direction-less. I've lost sight of myself, for sure.
I don't have a job and while I'm fine financially I don't have that to provide me any sort of goal(s) or direction. I don't pursue my hobbies, I think out of pure fear of failure. I daydream about going back to school but I can't decide whether that's what I want, whether I actually CAN do that, what I would study, where I'd go, how I'd do it... I can't seem to think it out. I've wanted to write a book forever, but I can't even figure out where to start so I don't.
I had been contemplating joining a gym for a couple months now and today I read what Maybell wrote and got up and went down to the closest gym for their free 7-day trial. I ran a couple miles and tinkered with a kettle bell and we'll see where that takes me. I just don't seem to have much stick-to-itiveness and I am not sure why.
To be fair, since D9 was born, I've never been able to be too encumbered because she was getting in trouble every single day (not an exaggeration) since she entered preschool at 2.5 years old. I'd have to drive down to school to pick her up or to soothe a tantrum or whatever. Now that she's in her current school and seems to progressively getting control of her behavior (knock on wood!!!), I'm realizing I can let go a little and maybe, just maybe be less "available just in case". D9 has only been in this school since October and I only started exhaling in December. I'll admit, I'm afraid of being "tied up" and then things go awry. I guess there's the risk of that all the time but...
I don't know what to do that's more like myself. I don't know where to begin or what any of this means, even. I guess I'm most lost than I thought and that's disheartening.
In other news, stbx was supposed to take D9 to her psych apt that has been on our shared calendar for over a month, an alert is set, etc. He "forgot". This is his MO. The freaking calendar is available 24/7 and has a freaking alert that dings before the event with plenty of time to say, "oh look, we have an appointment!". But no.
Why do I bother maintaining that calendar and setting an alert? It was a change for me to NOT remind him of the appointment but apparently I should have. GRRRR!
Ok, we have a date for what my attorney is calling a "4-way conference" which I think is supposed to be very clear statement that it will be VERY expensive since both attys will be present.
STBX wants to talk custody then but I don't. I don't think it's the right forum. Why pay over $900 (combined attorneys fees) per hour to discuss something we will NOT come to an agreement about. I think it's better to go to custody mediation at $150/hour where we can talk more leisurely, feel heard by an independent third party, discuss a detailed parenting plan and many of our unique and extenuating circumstances (hello, brain cancer, thyroid cancer and his on-again-off-again travel/career schedule). Does't that sound more reasonable?
This meeting will be to work out the financial stuff. It hurts that STBX thinks I'm only chasing "his" money but just because he says it doesn't make it true.
Meanwhile our 2014 taxes were just completed. I was all ready to write checks and coordinate him reimbursing me his half, etc when he said he wanted to look them over (dude, they are from 2014, you can't remember a psych apt for D9, how could you possibly remember a minor expense from 2014?). I asked for when he might be able to return them. He said "likely Friday". It's the Tuesday after that Friday and he said he has "a question or two out to the CPA" about them. I asked for another ETA and he said "maybe Thursday" but I could put $100 down on that not happening.
How can I take myself out of the role of mommy when it's something as crucial as PAST TAXES?
I think it's better to go to custody mediation at $150/hour where we can talk more leisurely, feel heard by an independent third party, discuss a detailed parenting plan and many of our unique and extenuating circumstances (hello, brain cancer, thyroid cancer and his on-again-off-again travel/career schedule). Does't that sound more reasonable?
Perfectly reasonable.
Had our 4-way meeting today. My head is spinning. 5 hours and I have no idea how I feel.
Part of me wants all of this to be over and I feel like today was a big step in that direction but did I get side swiped? I can't even tell you if I did or not. I did feel like it was 5 hours of battling. I proposed to final compromise but I compromised A LOT. He did agree to custody mediation and that's big, I think, but everything else was me compromising. No one really wins in divorce but I feel like I lost somehow. Like he's at home popping champagne and I'm sitting here stunned and a bit lost.
I knew I might come home crying and I did but I also came home ANGRY and I'm not even sure why.
I called my friend who had to get off the phone soon after I started to get into it all, said she'd call me back in a few minutes but never did. I'm feeling very alone in this. Very alone. It feels symbolic and therefore painful.
Guys, is there going to be anything left of me when this is actually all over? I got about 1.5 hours of sleep last night, can't eat and can't think clearly. I'm feeling like this is the kind of day someone should come over and make me soup and put what I like on TV and put a blanket on me and just take care of me. Just for one day. But that's not going to happen. I feel very alone, more lost than ever and very much in despair. I feel like I could weep for a week but I don't have the energy and I think I'm out of tears.
Will this weight on my chest ever dissipate? I feel like I've faced enough pain and heartache for 3 people. Now I sound like a victim. Where am I in all of this? Where do I go from here? I don't want to pull myself up by my boot straps again because I just end up on the floor. Can I just stay down here and live life here? It feels like an exercise in futility to work hard to pull myself up only to wind up on the floor again. I feels like gravity is too heavy, so I think I'll just stay down for a bit. The energy to remain standing is far too taxing.
Courage
Honey, this is just really so awful, truly it stinks. It's like a long walk to Antartica without snow gear.
This is high conflict divorce at its worst. You have a family involved, its a lonely place you find yourself and an expensive one.
You feel like a victim but I would suggest you are in trauma. A target and hurting from that. Really you are.
On the basis that the pen is mightier than the sword get it all out, the hurt and pain. The inadequacy and futility.
Write until your fingers drop off.
Keep going until you are spent. Read on high conflict and court matters.
You are going to be brave, how do I know this? Because wonderful lady you are you, stronger than you know.
Here take my hand and rainbow strength, and for a while rest.
Know this, the arrogant Wassocks we call entitled waywards strangle themselves. Displaying their prowess and crowing they go far too far. Stay calm and observe. Become reporter style, what would a top journalist from Time say about the ex. Keep your notated diary simple clear factual and without emotion. It's ok to be down truly as a target for high conflict it is.
Breathe at ease and be still cradled in the short peace between the conflicts. Let yourself just be and recover.
Extreme, extreme self care is needed. I know this is tough to do, especially as lack of sleep will create many problems.
Know you are supported, you know how to find me.
V
Hi V, thank you. Once again I'm brought to tears and I'm trying to see that as an outlet and not just another night of sobbing.
Yes, I imagine I'm in trauma. Once again. How many times can one person be traumatized in one life time? Sure, people have had it worse but my god I need a reprieve. They tell you to work hard and you'll get a break but that isn't true in life.
I'm so angry with myself. I have done EVERYTHING they tell you to do. I felt the fear but did it anyway. I listened and validated. I tried to provide self-care to myself leading up to and throughout and in the hereafter. I maintained hope of a reasonable outcome while preparing for the worst...
AND I'M MISERABLE. I guess all of that is no promise of anything. And now all I do is hate him which is a waste of energy. And I have to still be courageous and have custody mediation and coparent with him.
How do I stop being a target, V? I hope it's easy because I don't have anything left in me to remove that target. This process has been nothing but a manual in how to take a feisty, hurt, angry, strong, independent woman and slowly make her a timid, oozing open sore with no will to fight or even defend anymore.
I feel like my thoughts are disjointed, my writing doesn't make sense and I don't even bother to make conclusions. Part of me wants to scream "I need help!" and the other part of me wants to climb into bed and not get out for weeks. I'm sick of being in my head and at the same time I can't get out.
I fear I have scared off most of my friends and who could blame them?
I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. Seriously, I think it was in early 2016 maybe.
Extreme self care is necessary, I'm sure but I feel like a year of self-care wouldn't get me back to zero and I'm so exhausted by the futility of trying. Exhausted and yet I feel like I really need to throw things. Many things. Hard. So they'll break and be destroyed and make a lot of noise. So out of character for me.
I'm rambling but this is the only thing saving me from my bed which is just about the worst place I can think of being right now. I might sleep in my daughter's bed while she's at stbx's. The idea of lying in my bed is nauseating me and yet it's midnight and I've been up for 23 hours.
I feel like a shell. You know? Like my insides were hollowed out and I'm walking around bleeding but I'm bleeding so much and so fast I'm not aware of how bad the wound is.
I honestly don't know where to begin here.
Lovely lady
It's adrenalin in your system and confusion leading from it. You are on high alert. It's horrible as a place to be.
This sounds so trite I know so, and its going to be ok. This is dissociative and cognitive dissonance. You doubt yourself and truly this will last a while. Let it unfold in time.
I confess I explored a lot of options myself as I too was driving away those who love and support me. I will suggest to you firstly your physiology needs extreme care. I mean extreme and extraordinary, likely that means a wonderful practitioner to discuss the options, including temporary medical help to rebalance your system. Each of us has special requirements and thus you need yours supported. That's fine.
My next suggestion is to consider complete NC, complete NC. To remove the addiction to the trauma, living on high alert is going to drive your physiology for a while. Truly it will. BIFF responses to a high conflict individual monitored by a third party or software, an interface if you will.
I would like to comfort you and say tomorrow is a new day and each of us has our own path and that would be trite and invalidating when you are hurting so much and confused. In my case it took 9 months before I reclaimed the MBR, and I am ok now. Truly I am fine in the MBR, it took time.
What I can say is that how you are and the doubts and confusion you have are all part of the recovery process, truly normal and natural. You aren't ill, an abuser or unstable, this is the way we feel after trauma. Each of us has our kind of reaction tailored just for us.
There is a part of this process called post traumatic growth which if you embrace it will become the time when you grow and develop unfold like no other time. Yes, I would rather that this didn't have to be, that DB had worked fully, that you and I weren't here communicating in this way. We are and I would wish no one have this trauma and that sadly is just a desire as we do.
I can tell you which is hard to hear that these dark days, dark nights of the soul are part of an awakening process of healing in which you can achieve such growth and change. Such personal power through the humility it gives you and in its self it is extraordinary.
This is as bad as it gets and little comfort today. You are an extraordinary woman, wife, mother and friend. That is you that I see and the core of you is intact, traumatised.
Breathe, calm and great peace.
V
Hi Courage,
I just wanted to come by as I was thinking of you. I haven't been around much lately and likely I won't be around much in the near future, but you came to mind and I wanted to see how you were.
I worked with a family once where they had a child with a chronic health condition, where any kind of touch resulted in him experiencing physical pain. A nerve disorder I think. I have also worked with traumatised children who experience similar, the tiniest of touches feels completing overwhelming. You strike me as similar, an open nerve waiting for the next stimuli.
I remember being that open wound waiting for salt or acid to be poured. Enough already!!! If you read back to the beginning of my situation, I was a minute,by minute in my coping abilities, every sense was overwhelmed and like you all I wanted is looking after. And you know it is not unreasonable when in a constant state of trauma to feel that way.
When I started out on this journey every day was about keeping things simple, did I eat, did I sleep, did I exercise, did I do one social thing that brought me joy.
You can't change the chaos of your situation, but there is a place in the middle of this retched tornado where you can find the quiet. Every moment attempt to find the quiet. It is there I promise you. Think about it, let the wind rush and swirl around you, but feel the quiet space in the middle. The middle quiet place is YOU. The person you need to spend just 30 seconds to find in the midst of the chaos. Visualize this quite space, it exists I promise. The more often to seek to find her the chaos, the easier it gets.
I found that my trauma was so linked to a disconnect from myself. The peace starts to come when you find yourself again. Sit in the quiet Courage and you will hear yourself calling. You're ready to be YOU again.
Still reading and listening Courage. take heart, you are never alone!!!
Much Love
JellyBxxx
Hello courage,
You and I seem to be in very similar places right now, and I wanted to come and say hi. I may not be able to offer you any great advise, but I do want to let you know you are not alone.
Right now, you (and myself) are in the midst of divorce. The negotiating part. Not easy for anyone, but the trauma of how many of us here were left, makes this much more painful. The only thing worse was acute Bomb drop. The negotiations all seem to trigger the unfairness of BD as well as many of the issues we had within the marriage. We are still in conflict even though our marriages are over and Once again we feel invalidated, abused, and treated unfairly.
But like BD, we will get through this as well. Just take it day by day and figure out what battles are important in the scheme of things. This will not be forever and you will one day be able to get your life back.
I am trying to cope by recognizing that this part of the "journey" is temporary. We wont be in the trenches permanently but we are now and lets just deal the best we can.
It sounds like both you and your ex want to do what is best for your daughter. That is a really good thing. Its just that you have different perspectives on what is best for her. You feel strongly about the extra curriculars and he does not. Is this the major issue? Or is it something deeper you are fighting against like feeling like all the work regarding daughter fell on you throughout the marriage?
I too, have a child with special needs.(My son has adhd and has recently been diagnosed with high functioning autism) I know how difficult it is to be on high alert every second. And to constantly deal with abnormal behaviors and the relief that comes when you actually do get that good day in the middle of many challenging days with your child. I know what it is like to live with minimal sleep and to have felt that you are doing it all on your own. I know the resentment you must feel for husband because it is not easy and because he bailed. And i know how hard it is to move past that.
Hugs
J.
V, jelly and Juju,
Thank you so much for dropping by and for giving me a lift up. I can't tell you what your words have meant to me and how many times I've read them since that wretched day.
I am holding my head higher. It comes in waves. I've given myself this weekend to allow whatever and committed to being gentle with myself. Surprisingly I didn't spend it all weeping on the couch.
I'm beginning to day dream a little about not having to talk at all to stbx except of course for the business of parenting. I'll see him Tuesday morning at D9's first orthodontist consult. It's funny. I find myself annoyed at his involvement in little appointments like this. Who has both parents attend an orthodontist consult appointment? I guess that's where my daughter is lucky. STBX is bending over backwards to be an equal parent and I can't really complain about that. I do feel like I am being required to "teach" him how these things work. He seems to think she's walking in on Tuesday and if they decide she's getting braces then she gets braces right then and there. I had to explain how all of this works and then wondered if that was really my job. He can do his own research but then am I being a b*tch? Oh who cares. Whatever.
Spring is coming and that brings me hope. Hope that I won't be in this hole forever. It's deep and dark down here. I know things are better on the outside. Now, to figure out how to get out of here.
Juju, the special needs child brings so much joy and yes, so much chaos. It's nice to know that others know what I'm facing in that department. It's unlike anything I ever understood before and SO difficult to convey the intensity and exhaustion to those who have no experience. Thanks for sharing that with me.
Slowly the fog is lifting. I'm starting to feel more free and less bogged down by whatever this divorce process has done to me and more excited about building whatever life I want.
I day dream about going back to school.
I think about redecorating the house precisely how I want, actually putting things on the walls that reflect ME rather than having them bare and reflect stbx. I want to make better use of the spaces in my home that are unused or just for pretty's sake. Living is beautiful and I want every space to feel comfortable, lived in and welcoming to ME (and of course others).
I'm meeting new people. I reached out to a woman on a local political Facebook group of which I am a part and we are meeting for lunch tomorrow. I've never met this person face to face but we are of the same mind and when she responds to an article or the news as posts in our group, she takes the words right out of my mouth. It's uncanny. So, I'm excited about that.
I also reached out to a woman who offered to talk with me about her path in social work. Since I'm considering going back to school (and with that comes a lot of self doubt, belief that I'm too old for that, fear of failure, worry that I can't afford it, etc) and her offer just fell into my lap I figure I have nothing to lose just talking to her and I may even gain a mentor in the short term.
My daughter's behavior at school is ramping up again which causes all kinds of insane anxiety. There's something about February and the springtime part of the school year. The last three years she has been generally fine until this part of the year and then BLAM-O she just turns on the crazy and gets in trouble daily. At the moment though, after all the schools we have tried, all of the things we've considered... worst case scenario is I home school her using some online program where she can work at her own pace and integrate some high school / college material as necessary to meet her level of curiosity. We'll flesh that out one day at a time.
^^^ see? Even that right there, the paragraph right above... did I really just do that? Did I really not just dwell for days worrying about what could be and instead realistically decided that right now worrying about what we'll do in two months is not worth ruining my lovely evening?
I also want a whole new wardrobe. LOL I realize that's probably frivolous but I feel like with a new beginning, a new life, a putting down of some serious baggage... I just want to feel as new on the outside as I do on the inside. Maybe I could lose 5-10 lbs first though, that might be a good idea.
I want to plant flowers and repot plants and get new carpet inside my heart and inside my house.
Upward.
I'm happy to read this post. Wanting a whole new wardrobe is just a way of showing that you're ready to reinvent yourself to fit your new life. Welcome to the other side.