Hello all, I've been busy in the other forum but want to branch out since my divorce has been done for a few months now.
How long after ya'lls divorces did you think about entering the dating world again? I've been reading Doodler's thread on dating disasters and have gotten a good laugh out of it. I've been out of the dating game for so long that I'm not even sure anymore! I've thought of doing as he did and getting on Tinder, although that's more of a hookup site and not a real dating one... Still though, a body has needs.
Some of you are aware of my Harley Quinn story, so maybe I'll touch on that a time or two. I finally told her that I wasn't quite ready to go down that road and that I wanted to be upfront with her and didn't want to hurt her again. I was prepared for a spew like no other, but she really understood and was actually kind of glad that I was upfront as I didn't want to hurt her. Comms continue with her.
I am hesitant about getting back into the dating world again. After all, it was almost 10 years with my ex. Although she seems to have no problem doing it on her end, I still have a road block. Now don't get me wrong, I've been propositioned by several nice (maybe nice isn't quite the word), younger women who've offered to help through my time of need.
However, I'm just not sure I'm ready to enter the market again. I'm quite content working on my hobbies or the yard or heck, just watching TV.
One thing is for certain, I am very, very wary of bringing anyone around my kids - no, make that I won't bring anyone around them for a long time, at least. How did ya'll handle that?
Any advice for the sort of new single guy?
I have tried to download Tinder, but the d@mn thing wants to link my FB account as the only sign-in option and I do NOT want it to be found by my ex. Any ideas?
Hi Jeep. You'll get a variety of answers to the when to date question and I'm not advocating any one answer. I'll just tell you what I did. I waited a year after Mr P moved out to date. At that point our D was in the works but not final. I was very up front with every guy I went out with to tell them it wasn't final. None of them cared. That timing was right for me.
As far as the kids, I've never introduced any guy to them. They know I date (well, I don't right now) but that's it. I'd have to feel very stable in a relationship to let that happen.
Just saw your second post. I don't do Tinder so I'm no help there. But what jumped out at me is that if you are hiding it from your X, maybe you aren't ready to date?
Just saw your second post. I don't do Tinder so I'm no help there. But what jumped out at me is that if you are hiding it from your X, maybe you aren't ready to date?
It's not so much as hiding it from her, as the fact that she'd find some way to try to use it against me. Vindictive, that one is.
The crowd is shouting...
HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY!
I saw Suicide Squad with my sons. I think I fell in love with Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie).
Any advice for a newly single guy? Nope! I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm still waiting on a fair maiden, with a large bowl of pasta, to drop from the heavens and declare her undying devotion to doodler. Actually, I kind-of want a mermaid Harley Quinn. Am I aiming too high?
Hi Jeep. You'll get a variety of answers to the when to date question and I'm not advocating any one answer. I'll just tell you what I did. I waited a year after Mr P moved out to date. At that point our D was in the works but not final. I was very up front with every guy I went out with to tell them it wasn't final. None of them cared. That timing was right for me.
Thank you! I know I need to get out, not so much as finding someone but maybe in finding myself. Before I got married (and before the involvement with HQ), I dated quite regularly. Never had a problem there. Now? I'm not even sure I want to date.
As far as the kids, I've never introduced any guy to them. They know I date (well, I don't right now) but that's it. I'd have to feel very stable in a relationship to let that happen.
My kids are 4 and 6. I know that some bring others around but I won't. Not for a long, long time.
Suicide Squad with my sons. I think I fell in love with Harley Quinn
Oh, I know I am..
HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY! HARLEY!
Ah, the Harley story.
I touched on how I came to call her Harley Quinn. Let's just say that it involved a lot of alcohol, her place, her adult Harley Quinn costume (including the hammer), and well...
Harley has a penchant for costumes. The Harley one is my favorite. Second is the St. Paulie's girl. A whole 'nother story.
Oh, did I mention that the ex absolutely hates Harley? I mean with a passion... And there is the message war between the two a couple of weeks ago.
Harley is/was a great woman. Not sure if that road will be traveled again, but dang.
Harley has a penchant for costumes. The Harley one is my favorite. Second is the St. Paulie's girl. A whole 'nother story.
Oh, did I mention that the ex absolutely hates Harley? I mean with a passion... And there is the message war between the two a couple of weeks ago.
Harley is/was a great woman. Not sure if that road will be traveled again, but dang.
Oh yeah! Don't stop now...
Now, don't go thinking that Harley is one of those costume people who live on the wilder side. Her costumes are functional for the most part, yet she does have quite the collection - the St. Paulie's Girl one was for a Halloween party we went to...I liked it so much it made several appearances afterwards.
You have to remember that when we were dating, she was 26 and not long out of Iraq. Anyway, great girl.
And then there is the message war. It's always nice to get a message from the ex saying "WTF did Harley (she has another name for HQ) message me?" Seems as if it just took off. The ex was none-too happy about that. I asked HQ to knock it off, which she did. I don't know the content...I was just concerned that Harley didn't try to lie and tell her that something was going on before the D was finalized.
Oh yeah! Don't stop now...
Well, I have to keep things PG here because I don't need the ban hammer!
...she has another name for HQ...
Poison Ivy?
Naw, man. The ex always called her Miss October. Had to do with the time frame of things.
Doodler, do yourself a favor and look up adult Harley Quinn costumes. You're welcome.
My kids were almost grown when ex left (youngest was 17) so I didn't have to deal with what you do, but I will agree with you that the kids don't need to meet your dates for a LONG time. Minimum 6 months, and better yet, not until you're sure she's the ONE.
I did start dating soon after my ex left, but it had been ten long years of fighting for the marriage before that and DBing my butt off, so when he finally left and filed I was truly DONE. However, I didn't even introduce my kids to any of my dates except my live-in son briefly met the last one before my current guy, and that was almost 4 years after the split. I've been with current guy for 3 1/2 years and all my kids have met and like him; but he didn't come along until long after the split.
My ex, on the other hand, was dating right away and introduced the kids to her; they broke up after a few months and then he started dating a girl 18 years younger. My kids definitely struggled with this in the beginning, especially as she was closer to my oldest son's age than my ex's age. I could tell they were uncomfortable with it, just in the "I'm not ready to see my parent as a sexual being with someone who is not my mom" way. Fortunately, she has been nice to my kids, they are married now, at least there hasn't been a lot of drama and revolving door girlfriends on his side.
With little kids, the problem is they can get attached to the women you date, and then when you break up it is another loss for them. So I agree with being very very careful with who you introduce them to, and no matter how great the gal is, wait at least 6-12 months before the introduction, until you're pretty sure this has staying power.
BTW, I had good luck with OK Cupid. I found their screening/compatibility tools worked well for me - almost everyone I met was a reasonable match, although of course not everyone had chemistry. Don't look at online dating as a place to begin a relationship online; just a screening tool to get to a coffee "date", which is no more than like meeting and talking briefly to someone at a party. The coffee date is the chance to see if you're interested in asking someone out on a real date. Be wary of getting to involved with someone online before you meet in real life- some people sound great on paper but when you meet it's quickly apparent there's just no pheromones there.
Also, if someone won't meet you for a coffee date early on, the chances are you're being catfished or they aren't serious about dating.
Meet-up groups have also been good for people who need to establish more friends to do things with and can be a good place to meet like-minded people.
Hi, KML! Thanks for stopping by!
I agree with your sentiments on bringing people to meet the kids. I'm not sure about there ever being another "one" as my ex pretty much destroyed my trust. But I'll date again, just not sure when.
I might look into OK Cupid and the like. The thing is, I don't have a lot of time as I pretty much have full custody (she sees them every other weekend only), so maybe for now that's a good thing. I like your coffeedate statement. Don't worry, I'm about as wary as they come.
Oh, just exactly what does the term catfish mean?
The kids thing is interesting. There really are more loops in it than waiting a set amount of time or until you are fully committed.
I waited 4 months, and it did end and it was sad for the kids and me.
However, I would hate to get too serious of a point and find out the kids can't stand eachother or there is friction between the new partner and the kids. We were lucky in that the kids loved eachother and we both had great affection for each other's kids. But if the kids didn't like each other, there would probably be no future for us as a couple.
That being said, I only introduced my D to one guy..... but in the future, I would not put a time frame on it, and it doesn't have to be super serious. But I will not willy nilly bring everyone around her I date. Which, given my track record of introducing one guy in 9 years, I'm pretty careful.
Which, given my track record of introducing one guy in 9 years, I'm pretty careful.
I would say that's being a little careful.
Honestly, I don't think I'll introduce anyone to them. My life centers around them, now. I'm not saying I won't date anyone...maybe the first few will just be a no-strings dinner or whatever.
It's not like I have trouble getting dates, its just that the interest level really isn't there yet.
Shouldn't date if you aren't interested. No need to do it if you don't want it.
My life centers around my daughter, as anyone will tell you on here. But I still date and want a relationship. ANd well, my life will still center around her. The right guy will be cool with that.
My life centers around my daughter, as anyone will tell you on here. But I still date and want a relationship. ANd well, my life will still center around her. The right guy will be cool with that.
True. It will come, in time. Funny thing, it seems like my kids are magnets. I think I've gotten more offers than ever before. Haha. One day.
Oh, and Ginger, I took your advice about Harley Quinn. As I said earlier in this thread, I let her know that I wasn't ready yet for that yet...I didn't quite put it as you did about her just coming for a "ride," but it was along those lines.
Oh, just exactly what does the term catfish mean?
Catfish means when someone presents themselves as someone online that they are not. (Using someone else's photo, or a picture of themselves from 20 years ago, pretending to live near you when they're hundreds of miles away, pretending to be a woman when they're a man, etc.) Which is a good reason to move to the coffee date fairly quickly if someone seems interesting - it will weed out the catfishers quickly.
Catfish means when someone presents themselves as someone online that they are not. (Using someone else's photo, or a picture of themselves from 20 years ago, pretending to live near you when they're hundreds of miles away, pretending to be a woman when they're a man, etc.) Which is a good reason to move to the coffee date fairly quickly if someone seems interesting - it will weed out the catfishers quickly.
D@mn. Just d@mn. Guess I have been out of the loop!
My last POF date certainly didn't catfish me. He came right out and told me he just left the priest hood......
I'm glad you were honest with Harley Quinn.
You should watch Catfish on MTV
My last POF date certainly didn't catfish me. He came right out and told me he just left the priest hood......
Well, at least you knew where that one was going...
I'm glad you were honest with Harley Quinn.
Thanks. Me too. At the end of the day, it was the right thing to do. Whether it will/won't be rescheduled is to be determined.
You should watch Catfish on MTV
Haha. Maybe. What part of the country are you in, Ginger?
Well, Doodler, had a little conversation with Harley last night. Seems that she picks the craziest times to call.
I meant to comment on your thread yesterday then got busy at work and never got back on here, but I see that lots of people have weighed in on the when to start dating question.
My D was final 2 years ago last Sat. and I still have not had a date. It took me a year to even want to think about dating. I needed that time to myself. And, in the past year, I have been really ready to date, but just haven't really met anyone who fits the bill. I have a very close male friend that I spend a lot of time with, but we are truly just friends.
I think it is probably a different time frame for everyone. Some date immediately, some wait years. I really think, though divorce is tough on everyone, we all handle it in our time/way. As far as introducing kids to new partners, well, my kids were adults when my XH and I D'ed, so I didn't have to go through that, thankfully!!! I think adding young kids to the mix would make the whole thing much harder.
Well, Doodler, had a little conversation with Harley last night. Seems that she picks the craziest times to call.
Yes! I'm all ears.
Hi, Dawn! Thanks for stopping in!
My D was final 2 years ago last Sat. and I still have not had a date. It took me a year to even want to think about dating. I needed that time to myself. And, in the past year, I have been really ready to date, but just haven't really met anyone who fits the bill. I have a very close male friend that I spend a lot of time with, but we are truly just friends.
That time frame doesn't seem far-fetched for me, but who knows. I've had offers, just never accepted.
I think it is probably a different time frame for everyone. Some date immediately, some wait years. I really think, though divorce is tough on everyone, we all handle it in our time/way. As far as introducing kids to new partners, well, my kids were adults when my XH and I D'ed, so I didn't have to go through that, thankfully!!! I think adding young kids to the mix would make the whole thing much harder.
I agree. I'm definitely not on the look yet, but its coming. We will see. I won't introduce anyone to the kids...maybe never.
It actually was a nice conversation. She was in a reminiscing sort of mood and ended up talking about a trip we had taken. Annnnndddd, she had put up a Harley Quinn photo (the comic version) on her FB page so naturally I had to as about that...which led to that conversation...which led to her putting the outfit on and sending a pic. Holy smokes is all I'm going to say.
Holy smokes is all I'm going to say.
An early Christmas gift! Now I'm all giddy and excited...
You've got to know that she's yours if you want her. What are your fears and trepidations about her?
You've got to know that she's yours if you want her. What are your fears and trepidations about her?
I don't know if I even know how to explain it, Doodler. First, she lives in CA and I'm across the country. I'm not going to move because I can't, and she lives near her family.
And then someone suggested that she may have "issues." Not quite sure I want to deal with any more issues after my ex, but won't rule anything out. And then there's the fact that I'm just not ready to jump back in yet. Who knows.
An early Christmas gift! Now I'm all giddy and excited...
True, true. Had to take a cold shower after that...
I don't know if I even know how to explain it, Doodler. First, she lives in CA and I'm across the country. I'm not going to move because I can't, and she lives near her family.
And then someone suggested that she may have "issues." Not quite sure I want to deal with any more issues after my ex, but won't rule anything out. And then there's the fact that I'm just not ready to jump back in yet. Who knows.
Yeah, I get what you're saying. My xW had issues, and I don't ever want to get into that logjam again. I very naively thought that identification of the issues was a big step toward treating the issues. That was a bad assumption.
Oh well, maybe you'll eventually find that she's issue-free and wants to move away from CA and...
Oh well, maybe you'll eventually find that she's issue-free and wants to move away from CA and...
There is not one person out there who is issue free. Especially past the age of 30.
find one that can handle their issues well.
We all have baggage. it's how we carry it.
Oh well, maybe you'll eventually find that she's issue-free and wants to move away from CA and...
That's far down the road, my friend. Far.
There is not one person out there who is issue free. Especially past the age of 30.
find one that can handle their issues well.
We all have baggage. it's how we carry it.
That's the truth. I'm just a lot more leery now because of the ex.
That's far down the road, my friend. Far.
Hey man, I'm willing to wait.
Hey man, I'm willing to wait.
You have more stories as of late than I do...
I was trying something out and hit submit by accident
I was trying something out and hit submit by accident
Story of my life.....
V
Hi Vanilla! Thanks for stopping by!
Story of my life, too...
Airfare is cheap, Jeep.
If you're D'd, and know you're still healing, that doesn't mean you can't spend some time with someone. Sometimes not having expectations, and just enjoying yourself, you make reflective discoveries. Just realize there is a chance to get singed by the Harley fire, if you choose to get too close.
Know your weaknesses, work on them, show people your emotional maturity and growth. You'll be surprised how many people light up that you have that knowledge now. So many people drift through life with a kiddie-pool level of emotional maturity. You've waded into some deep water now, and know how to swim (do you???). Maybe keep the water wings on for a while... either way, it took be a bit of courage, but after 6 months, I'm dating. Second date tonight - she's from my church. And she has baggage - and carries it well. So, into the water I go...
Hi Trumpet! Thanks for stopping by!
I know airfare is pretty cheap, but for me it's a matter of having time. I pretty much have close to full custody and she only has them every other weekend. So, that gives me little to no time and I don't have anyone to keep them... Maybe that's a good thing for me.
Ah, the Harley Quinn fire. That has the distinct possibility of some burns... I like the no expectations statement of yours...while I may be able to do that for a time or two, I'm not sure Harley could. That's why I said not right now to her.
I hope the water's warm, my friend...
I gave in and a visit was had.
I gave in and a visit was had.
Jeep,
Dude! You made my day. I'm walking on air. The vicarious pleasure is hard to describe. Good for you!!!
I will fill in tomorrow...
Maybe I should change this thread title to the Harley Quinn files
I don't even know where to begin. We had quite a few conversations on the phone and she asked several times and I finally agreed. She came this past weekend, Thursday actually. I took the day off and met her at the airport. Man you should have seen her - didn't look like she had changed a bit and just as beautiful as ever. It was an odd moment cause she just stood there for what seemed like eternity and the next thing you know, she slapped the sh*t out of me. I guess I had it coming. She steeped back with tears in her eyes and then laid one on me for the ages. Wow. Just wow. I was not expecting that.
We went to one of old favorite places by the river and just talked. For hours. I explained things - how I didn't have much in me now. She was cool with that. She knew my situation and understood. We talked about old times, kids, just about everything under the sun. She said she came because she wanted to see and that was it. I guess we needed it to answer unanswered questions. Before I knew it, it was time to leave. I had to pick the kids up so I took her to her hotel.
The ex picked the kids up Friday for her weekend. After that, I picked up Harley and we headed out for a very nice dinner. I guess it was a date. It was funny because it was teenager-like awkward at first but turned out very well. After dinner we went to the local chocolate bar for dessert. I don't know how long it's been since I've had such a nice night. The bummer part was the weather so we weren't able to walk around downtown area and just ended up getting drinks instead. One thing led to another and what I thought was just a friendly get together turned into a whole 'nother thing. Eventually we came back o the house and stayed up all night.
Saturday was much the same. Made breakfast and drove a couple of hours to one of our favorite cities and visited the old plantations, shopped in the old city market, etc. we didn't get back until fairly late so she just stayed at my place again. And yes, the Harley outfit made an appearance later that night.
I must say that I was surprised at how easily things happened and progressed. All in all, it was a great weekend with a lot of questions answered. And yes, she left the door open for me. Maybe it's good that she lives in California because it sure would be complicated if she were closer. What a weekend. I needed that.
Jeep,
It's just like a scene out of a movie. I love a good romance.
Many thanks!
Not so sure about a scene out of a movie... Haha.
We had a great time. Have you ever heard people say it's just like where you left off? It was sorta like that. Harley is a great woman, but like me, she changed over time. Maybe she grew up, so to speak. Lord knows I did. She seemed to have mellowed a bit...I guess being a mom does that to some.
After she left to fly back to Cali I think I stayed up all night just thinking. With everything happening to me now, Harley slid in at just the right - and maybe wrong - time. There was more than a spark there, I guess. I found myself going down that path of wondering and also kicking myself for not giving her the chance back then that she deserved.
What will the future hold? I don't know, but for that one weekend it was the right time. I can't move out there. Maybe I'll fly out this summer. Who knows.
Jeep,
It sounds like the Harley weekend was the perfect respite from the storm (or the daily grind). Maybe Jeep and Harley will ride off into the sunset...
Doodler,
It was a much needed weekend in more ways than one. I don't know about riding off into the sunset...I've way to much baggage I'm dealing with and don't want to inflict my crap on her. Yet, she called last night and we talked for a while. I would call it friends, but not friend-zone if you know what I mean. Who knows what will happen down the road. I try not to look far down anymore.
I think I may have created a monster
please elaborate.
*grabs popcorn*
Hi Trumpet! Thanks for stopping in!
This monster I have created is in the form of attachment. Now she's talking of coming again maybe in the spring. Holy smokes.
I must say that we had a great time. Anyone ever done any swing dancing? I had forgotten just how much fun that was. On our Friday "date" one of the places we stopped in was a local place that does swing dancing every so often. I will just say that Glenn Miller's "Moonlight Serenade" is one hell of a song. I do love that 40's music and Miller is my favorite. Harley had taught me to swing dance way back then. Was rusty a bit as the last time I did it was with her. Man that was fun.
I'm not sure what to do about her. Things are too d@mn complicated.
So, let's delve into this a bit. You saw her for a fun weekend and she wants to do it again between 4 and 6 months from now? So in other words up to three times a year? And this is a problem how? A problem why? What am I missing? It almost seems like in your head she wants to get together every other weekend. Or once a month? Is that how it FEELS to you? I'd be thrilled to find this. How is this a "monster"?
Hi Don!
I say monster/attachment because I don't want to hurt her again. If you recall the initial Harley post, she was hurt pretty badly. Maybe you are correct and it isn't a monster. however, I just don't want her to get hurt again.
Hi Don!
I say monster/attachment because I don't want to hurt her again. If you recall the initial Harley post, she was hurt pretty badly. Maybe you are correct and it isn't a monster. however, I just don't want her to get hurt again.
Sooooooo, you decided to have her come out and have a "romantic" nostalgic weekend when you have no intention of that going any further.
Is she aware she is a booty call?
You can let her know in no uncertain terms what your intentions are and let her decide from there.
I was all set to respond and then I saw my female alter ego Ginger beat me to it it. But, yeah, if you are leading her on or lying to her, that's not cool and it will be on you, at least partly, if she gets hurt. However, if you are honest and straight forward with her then it's on her. Just be honest. Beyond that her happiness or any responsibility for it is not on you. A simple, "I'm not at all looking to get back in a R with you or with anyone else at this point. I'd love to spend another weekend together in the spring if you're interested. Im just not looking for more than that." From there it's on her. You are not responsible - just need to be honest.
Sooooooo, you decided to have her come out and have a "romantic" nostalgic weekend when you have no intention of that going any further.
Is she aware she is a booty call?
You can let her know in no uncertain terms what your intentions are and let her decide from there.
Hey Ginger! Thanks for stopping by!
Yeah...it wasn't quite like that, Ginger. She knew ahead of time what she was getting, yet she chose to come. And it wasn't a booty call - I had all intentions of just making it a friendly time, sort of a good to see you and catch up...and maybe set things right from so long ago. Do I want to see her? Of course I do. But what I was saying was that right now I'm working on myself and quite honestly it will be a while before I think relationship stuff.
But things progressed so crazily it was like being sucked into a black hole. I don't know if it was a good idea or not, or maybe it was what was needed. Who knows.
I was all set to respond and then I saw my female alter ego Ginger beat me to it it. But, yeah, if you are leading her on or lying to her, that's not cool and it will be on you, at least partly, if she gets hurt. However, if you are honest and straight forward with her then it's on her. Just be honest. Beyond that her happiness or any responsibility for it is not on you. A simple, "I'm not at all looking to get back in a R with you or with anyone else at this point. I'd love to spend another weekend together in the spring if you're interested. Im just not looking for more than that." From there it's on her. You are not responsible - just need to be honest.
I know. I have been honest and upfront. Maybe her reasoning is that she just wanted to see, after all, some pretty heavy stuff was revealed. Who knows.
As usual, I showed up late to the party, but I agree with what everyone before me said. As long as you have been honest with her, and it sounds like you have from your accounts, the rest is on her. How she feels/reacts is not your responsibility. Though, in all fairness, when you are a kind and caring person, it is sometimes hard to separate those things.
Good luck with however this all goes down.
Another thing, might I add.....
Have your actions match your words.
Yes, be honest. It's on her after that. But it is certainly confusing when your actions show something other than your words.
YES!!!! What Ginger said!
Another thing, might I add.....
Have your actions match your words.
Yes, be honest. It's on her after that. But it is certainly confusing when your actions show something other than your words.
Hi Dawn70! Thanks for stopping by in what probably is the oddest thread on the site...haha
Glad you did!
Though, in all fairness, when you are a kind and caring person, it is sometimes hard to separate those things.
It is very, very hard to do. I found myself also getting a little attached and caught up...I think that's what I was referring to in not wanting to hurt Harely Quinn again. While I really do want to see her, I want to make sure that my mind is in the right place if this were to proceed any more and especially if it were to get to that level she wanted so long ago.
I will say that the time spent together was amazing and it really helped lift my spirits. Maybe its a good thing that she lives so far away.
Last night we were talking a bit and she was saying how much she wanted us to go mountain biking again in the north GA hills. We did that a few times back then. Now, granted she can't bring her bike so I told her she could ride my ex's Specialized. Kind of got a groan out of that but it is a nice bike. The ex doesn't use it anymore and hasn't put any time on it since we were up north, anyway. Maybe that will be a spring/summer thing. We'll see.
Oh, and here is a funny tidbit (well, maybe to me anyway) - Harley tagged me in a photo on FB and the ex saw it. Hilarity ensued...
Yes, be honest. It's on her after that. But it is certainly confusing when your actions show something other than your words.
Oh, I know that, Ginger. I told her upfront, but I also showed her the attention she wanted, I guess you can say. It's a very fine line at times and one easily crossed. We did have several talks - after all, how could we not? She understands fully and I'm wondering if it really does seem as if she wants to take this further.
I'm new to this side of the forum and but it sounds to me like your head is screwed on very right and that you're thinking of all sides of this situation, which I think is to be commended.
Bravo!
Hi Courage! Welcome to the Harley Quinn Files...haha, just kidding. Thanks for stopping by! And I love the screen name, by the way!
I'm new to this side of the forum and but it sounds to me like your head is screwed on very right and that you're thinking of all sides of this situation, which I think is to be commended.
Bravo!
I would like to say thank you, but I'm not quite sure about that, haha. I'm still wading through the murky waters with no shore in sight.
Honestly, divorce [censored] big time.
AMEN! Yes, yes it does. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks that. Lol
Honestly, divorce [censored] big time. [/quote]
I really hate things and this divorce now. It's like I'm in limbo land. I'm kind of stuck now, for lack of better words, and I'm not sure on all of it.
For as much as my ex put me through, I will say that part of me will always love her. Always. She wasn't always bad - heck, outside of her affair she never was bad...maybe broken is the better term to use. Yeah, I'll go with broken. I'm not using that to excuse her actions, but knowing her past allows me to say that her actions/reactions aren't surprising. My IC (who was also our MC) described my ex's behaviors perfectly - everything can be linked back to her childhood (brutal doesn't even begin to describe...I've let on to a few things but there are so many that I won't ever disclose on here). The IC said it was like she is operating in her child survivor mode, hence her giving in and keeping things internal, never to come out. She's a chameleon, able to blend in and become invisible so perfectly that you wouldn't be able to tell.
With all that said, if it weren't for my children - and if I knew what I do now - I'm not so sure I would have married her. I'm angrier about the fact that was all withheld from me than I am about some of her actions. One should never hide things. Never.
Now, here comes the silly part. Knowing all of her past and how it controls her present and future, there is part of me that forgives everything. Everything. And within that part, I still love her. Which leads me down this dark and twisted path - part of me is afraid to enter into any relationship (be it Harley Quinn or someone else) because there is the thought of what if she decides to return? I know that given her past (one of the things she "bragged" about during MC was that when she leaves someone they NEVER get a second chance) the chances of her returning are about as good as me becoming president, but that thought lingers somewhere in the back of my mind. Maybe its just her ghost lurking just at the edge of the shadows. That is one of the things keeping me up at night.
Right now you aren't ready to enter into a new relationship. Right now is your time to just be for a while. Sort through your feelings or not dwell on them at all. You don't have to worry about the future now. Right now, you really just have to take some time to be still.
Being still is the hardest thing to do sometimes. We all want forward motion (which we can still have by being still) and we want the answers to the future. You simply don't have them right now, and that is ok.
Thank you, Ginger. I needed to hear that. You're right, I'm not ready and I'm not quite sure when that line will be crossed. But I do worry about the future, well, where my kids are concerned. But, I guess that's a different kettle of fish.
Take Harley for example. I really do want to see her, and not for a booty call (there may or may not be one of those around), but to genuinely see her. I mean, we had a great time and it has been quite a while since I've really enjoyed myself on a date or whatever it was called. I have a great time seeing/talking with others, but when I have time to decompress and think about things, that ghost tends to stick her head out of the shadows just enough to be seen.
You should always think of the future of your kids. But your future with your kids should be envisioned without another person. Some day when you are ready, someone will come along and fit into that.
But now, focus on your kiddos and the future you are building with them.
As far as Harley, it's a complicated situation.
If your ex said she wanted to get intense therapy for her issues today and then work on the M, what would you say?
You should always think of the future of your kids. But your future with your kids should be envisioned without another person. Some day when you are ready, someone will come along and fit into that.
I totally agree. I'm not quite sure when or even if I'll ever bring someone around them, and if I do it will be way into the future. Maybe someday someone will.
My kids are my life, totally. They are my rock, too. I can't imagine life without them. Ever.
As far as Harley, it's a complicated situation.
I think that's the understatement of the year...haha
If your ex said she wanted to get intense therapy for her issues today and then work on the M, what would you say?
Therein lies the rub. Honestly, I don't know. I've said before that the only way I'd take her back is if she were to do that. So, on that note, I probably would give it a go again. There are a lot of things that need to be done, though.
She really wasn't a bad person. We got along great and she was my best friend. And she is/was one of the most caring people that I have ever met. A good person, or so I thought.
However, she has let me know that all she wants is to be apart. Maybe one day it will happen, but I'm not putting my eggs in one basket.
Also, Ginger, there is an inherent sadness about the whole thing that I just can't shake.
Had I been told everything early into our marriage I can say that maybe things would have been much different today. But on the flip side, maybe this marriage was destined to fail from the start. I guess that will be one of the great what-if's. Maybe she is to damaged to have any sort of commitment that marriage entails. I guess I'll never know.
I now see all that flags back then that I just attributed to her own tendencies, you know? I guess there is a reason they say hind sight is 20/20.
Her ghost lingers, especially at night.
Had I been told everything early into our marriage I can say that maybe things would have been much different today. But on the flip side, maybe this marriage was destined to fail from the start. I guess that will be one of the great what-if's. Maybe she is to damaged to have any sort of commitment that marriage entails. I guess I'll never know.
Jeep,
Our situations are somewhat similar, however, my wife had a lot of repressed memories. In addition, I don't think she was totally honest about some of the things that she did tell me about. I have come to the conclusion that she's so broken, and so reluctant to get the kind of help she needs, that it would never be possible to reconcile with her.
Regarding Harley Quinn, I'm going to have to buy the Suicide Squad DVD. I don't think I can live without her.
How's it hanging, doodler?
Our situations are somewhat similar, however, my wife had a lot of repressed memories. In addition, I don't think she was totally honest about some of the things that she did tell me about. I have come to the conclusion that she's so broken, and so reluctant to get the kind of help she needs, that it would never be possible to reconcile with her.
There is plenty of room for you in my boat, brother. Seems just like mine.
Regarding Harley Quinn, I'm going to have to buy the Suicide Squad DVD. I don't think I can live without her.
I have that movie, sir. My son likes it for different reasons - I brought it for him Margot makes an excellent Harley Quinn. However, you should see Harley in her Harley Quinn outfit. OMG is all I'm going to say. Did you ever look up those adult costumes?
It should read "...for him. Margot"
Dang my proofreading has gone to the dogs lately.
However, you should see Harley in her Harley Quinn outfit. OMG is all I'm going to say.
I'm jealous! Even better than Margot?
Did you ever look up those adult costumes?
No, I never did look up the adult Harley Quinn costumes; I didn't think I could handle it.
No, man. Margot is out there. But this Harley is quite the looker.
I didn't think I could handle it.
Haha. I'm dying. I wish we could post different emoji's than what we are limited to here. Heck, I'd post a pic of Harley (safe, of course) if I could. You'd be proud.
Heck, I'd post a pic of Harley (safe, of course) if I could. You'd be proud.
Jeep,
I wish you could post a picture of Harley as well. I used to think I could get those kinds of pictures telepathically, but my IC explained to me that I just have a dirty mind. Oh well.
Y'all, my mom is dying. I posted a bit about my ex's reaction in my thread in the newcomers section. Please let me know if I was off base. I just can't type anymore.
First, I am very sorry to hear about your mom. I don't think it matters what age, or if we are prepared or not, losing one we love will always be difficult.
What your ex said was just wrong. I am a nurse, when I worked in patient care, it was ICU and Hospice, so you can imagine, I have delivered some bad news. As a nurse, and a human being, it was just wrong, and I am sorry the news was delivered to you like that.
That being said...... why did you reach out to her? You can say it's because she's a nurse, but you could have always reached out to her doctor who is the one who should providing this information.
You were looking for compassion and understanding from this ghost that lingers, hoping she can be there for you as someone who loved and cared. You were looking for sympathy and compassion where it no longer exists.
Here is the hard part breaking the news to you. Your W is a ghost right now. That ghost you see, is a ghost. The person who she once was, who you were looking for a glimpse of, is not there right now. Don't go trying to find her. Don't try to bring her back to life. She'll have to do it on her own, if she does.
I am really sorry about your mom. Put your focus there right now, be there for her, love her, and surround yourself with the ones who truly care and love you and your mom.
Thank you Ginger for the kind words.
That being said...... why did you reach out to her? You can say it's because she's a nurse, but you could have always reached out to her doctor who is the one who should providing this information.
It wasn't that I was reaching out to her, but she knew my Mom had been sick and I told her she was taken to the ER. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. H@ll, maybe it was reaching out in a form. Ugh.
You were looking for compassion and understanding from this ghost that lingers, hoping she can be there for you as someone who loved and cared. You were looking for sympathy and compassion where it no longer exists.
Truth. There you go again, a voice of reason in my crazy world.
Here is the hard part breaking the news to you. Your W is a ghost right now. That ghost you see, is a ghost. The person who she once was, who you were looking for a glimpse of, is not there right now. Don't go trying to find her. Don't try to bring her back to life. She'll have to do it on her own, if she does.
I know. I learned that the hard way yesterday. I just never thought, even after everything, that she would go to that level. Just never did. But, you're right. As always. And her actions sealed that ghost for me.
Thank you for your help with my crazy, messed up self. It isn't easy. Thank you again. Please continue to stop by.
First and foremost, I'm so sorry about your mom. That must be terribly painful for you and my prayers are with you as you deal with it.
Second, ditto everything Ginger said because she says stuff far more eloquently than I ever will. LOL
Thank you, Dawn70. Your kind words are more than helpful.
I agree, Ginger has a great way of putting things into words. Most definitely a voice of reason.
Jeep,
I'm sorry about your mom.
Thank you, doodler.
Its killing me. Sucking the life right out of me.
Jeep,
I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I have removed your email info over on Ginger's thread. The Board does not allow us to share any personal information, i.e., email, telephone, etc. info on any of the forums.
Thanks for calling me out, I guess.
Dude, now you've got that bad-boy image. The women love that stuff. If Harley knew about your transgression, she'd probably hop on the next flight over to see you.
Man I wish this place had better emojis and other stuff to bring it up to speed. I'm dying laughing at your post. Me a bad boy? Not at all.
Man, you're going to get me in trouble with all this Harley talk
Jeep,
Well, you know, I always wanted a Harley.
Well, you know, I always wanted a Harley.
The question is, were you expectations lived up to?
Jeep,
Absolutely! Margot could be replaced.
Doodler,
Those are quite some shoes to fill. But, yeah, I tend to agree in some aspects...
Feel free to contact me anytime.
Jeep,
Ok. And likewise. Things are about to ramp-up at work, but I'll be around.
Jeep,
Due to network limitations, I'll have to check on that later.
Meaning I fixed the issue
Yeah, that's what I thought. I'll check it out a little later; they're making me earn my pay today. The audacity of those people...
Haha. I hear ya. Slow here today. Let me know if I need to fix anything. Will put some of the better missives on there if you like.
Jeep,
I'm sorry I haven't checked it out yet. My youngest son came to my house yesterday to work on his go kart. Then he got to use the chainsaw; he couldn't get enough of the chainsaw. I think he's preparing for a zombie apocalypse. Anyway, my evening was spent with my youngest son.