New thread time. I haven't had this many threads in years. But like Job said, I do receive so much great support, which is why I always end up back here when things get rough. Thank you, JOb. Again, your post just made me feel so loved it was like a big virtual hug which I needed right now. And thank you grl and sunny for the kind words and hugs. I really do need them right now.
Tomorrow is 15 years since my mother passed. These few days at the end of July are just anniversaries of losses for me and are always rough. These were things I tried so hard to hold onto and lost anyways. 2 relationships I gave my soul to work and they didn't.
I had a nice weekend with D and some friends. D got 2 sleepovers with friends this weekend, one at my house and one at a friend's house. She got pool time, dinner time, shopping time, everything.
I start my new course today, one I am not well versed in, and the assignments look tedious. I have to manage to get everything done during the week, plus 2 doctors appts, because I have a full weekend. I am getting an estimate from a cleaning company Thursday because I can't keep up. I may even skip my last week at the gym before cheerleading practice starts next week (3 nights a week all of august).
I am also going through something that I think is taking a big emotional toll on me but I can't discuss here.
Something will give, soon, I'm sure.
Hello Ginger1 - I've just read a few of your posts and it made me think of a thought I've been having for a few weeks.
We're looking for a comforting narrative to our lives.
Most of us here have accepted that our M is over and many are comfortable with that. But we are haunted by our take on what happened. You mention, for instance, that you feel 'robbed' of your future. I get it, it's the same for me. Being 'robbed' though is one way to look at it and it's one that's likely to create anger and resentment. It is not a fact. The fact is that our partners left when we wanted them to stay.
Now we decide how we frame it: Is it robbery? Is it freedom? Is it betrayal? Is it relief? Is it renewal? Is it opportunity?
This framing, this perspective, this angle is our choice alone. At BD, it's impossible to feel anything but pain and anger. But over time, we regain the power to look at things a certain way. To come up with a new interpretation of our life. On that doesn't necessarily put the D in the middle of it, for instance. One that sees us from birth until now, and more, with different relationships in them. And a future up for the taking.
Nobody wins from the framing our lives in a painful way. We might resent our X for leaving, but it doesn't impact their lives; only ours. So maybe it's a matter of finding a narrative that's comforting to us and allows us to accept and embrace what happened in order to fuel our new future.
Hi Ginger, I think Mozza is spot on with the reframing suggestion. It is true that the future you had planned was taken away by his decision. But that didn't rob you of your future, just that particular future together with him. And your future without him will I'm sure be filled with joys, blessings and some trials and tribulations too.
I think to say he robbed you of your future gives away some of your personal power, which you can reclaim back to build the future you want for yourself...xx
Thanks for the suggestions. I completely understand what you are saying. I've reframed it many times, I know I am happy not to be with him anymore. When I got past the hurt and devastation I was pretty excited for a new future. I reframed it as freedom from his mistreatment of me.
I was just reading Zeus' post And he mentioned spinning Inge into a positive. Many positive things did actually come from my divorce. But the reality is, not only did he rob me of a future with him as a family, I cannot deny that the D has made pretty much everything in my life infinitely more difficult, even in my life beyond him. But that's just victim mentality I guess and I don't want to carry that around. Somethings just aren't fair. Like you said sotto, I hate to give him so much power.
ive just got a lot on my emotional plate right now. And my plate in general . Trying to figure out how to do it and deal with it alone exhausts me physically and mentally. I admit, going to exNg's was such a wonderful beautiful escape. When I was with him nothing else mattered. I felt so relaxed and peaceful. And never sad except when I had to leave.
Eh. I'm going to really try to think positive.
Ginger, I hear you about being robbed of a family. Which is why I think that you're a great person.
You are being nice and civil to your x and the oww, despite feeling robbed of a family. You are able to act differently from your feelings of loss. That is already a great DB success.
I have curbed the urge to ice pick the x and the TPT's cars but in the near and distant future, I cannot see myself doing what you're doing. Civil is probably what I can muster, and nothing more.
I am sorry that you have so many things on your plate now. But it seems that your R with xNG really threw you into a loop.
I have no doubt that XNG is a much nicer man than xh but it seems that he may have just have different distancing strategies from your xh.
(((Ginger)))
Hey G,
Just popped in to say Hi! Give little G a hug from her Disney Pal too!
I understand about anniversaries and it seems your Mom passed the same summer me ex left. The pain does subside in time but never disappears completely. My Mom's death (12 years ago) still brings back sadness and I've been thinking of that time more recently as my Dad is in his final years (months?). My Mom's death, funeral and my divorce decree all came within 4 days!
I realized last week that it was 40 years since I married ex. Wow! Didn't think of it til late that night. My only regret? That I didn't end it sooner. That I believed for too long. That I hung in there and gave credit where no credit was due.
My guilty pleasure is watching the Bachelor/ Bachelorette. Not realistic but it makes you think about how we choose a partner. Is it chemistry? Passion? Affirmity? Security? I guess it's a combination of both. They get a glimpse into the other persons life with the Hometown dates then imagine themselves with that future. And they get to choose.
The hardest part for me was that I didn't get to Choose my "Reframing" initially. Most of us are here because of the shock of that. We were suddenly and unceremoniously robbed of the future we planned. But somewhere along the way - we accept that we are in charge of our own destiny. And we do get to choose.
When I realize that ex was not the man I married, not the kind of person who shared my goals and values - I realize the gift of freedom I was given. There have been struggles for sure - but richer rewards too. I appreciate things I used to take for granted. Like not waking up to the stress and depression I felt with ex.
You and little G are very vibrant girls. I felt that strongly when we met. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" could be your theme song. I really enjoyed our time together. Why not continue to enjoy the time you have with her before she becomes a teen and wants to lock you out of her world? Forget about dating a little while longer. You really are doing fine. If Mr Wonderful sees you having fun and asks to join you - you decide. But don't go looking for him. I found that my Mom time flew by too quickly. Probably because I was spread so thin and focussed on some of the things that were going wrong in my life. Trouble is - you can't get that time back.
Ashley and I are going out tonight. Never happens much anymore. Dinner followed by painting and cocktails. She has recently reframed her life. And things are just so awesome. And I am so happy for her despite seeing less of her. I truly envy you still having your time with little G.
Big hugs to you. You will do fine on your new course. Hang in there my friend!
Barb
Hey Ginger,
I second what Barb said. Well, said, Barb!!!
Back when I got a diagnosis on D19, let me tell you it was one of the lowest points of my life. Even though I knew she was different, I held out hope that she was delayed and that she'd catch up with therapy and the efforts of her dad and me and our love for her. Needless to say, I put myself back into therapy shortly after that.
My IC back then said something that resonates with me to this day, and it applies to you or any of us with dreams and plans. It went something like this... our life is a tapestry. We spend years weaving the threads with our experiences, relationships and plans, and expect to spend our lives adding to that tapestry, expanding and perfecting it. When D19 was diagnosed, it was like a thief came in and took a sharp knife and slashed it to pieces. It was irreparable and could never be put back together again as it was.
As I sat in my chair and wept, she offered me hope by saying, "And I bet it never occurred to you that you are one of the lucky ones who gets a complete do-over. What if you were someone who kept at the tapestry, but didn't feel happy when you saw it? What if you outgrew it, but felt obligated to keep at it? Now you start over. Look at it as something positive, but allow yourself to grieve over what was squashed due to circumstances beyond your control."
That was the day I decided to let myself create a new plan. And the funny thing now? I can't imagine what my life would be like if D19 were in college and someone different. I know I would have celebrated it if she were typical, but I certainly don't look at her as a failed experiment.
I think this follows well with Barb's comments about choice. Sure as night follows day, lets say that you and XH stayed married, but he was a secretive cheater. You had a couple more kids and they never got the chance to see you the way you really are? That you struggled with knowing he was unfaithful, stuck your head in the sand and plugged on... only to have him walk out when the kids were out of high school and you had put all your faith in his plan? There are plenty of folks here who have that fate. They live their lives in a semi unhappy state, because their spouse isn't really plugged in to their relationship except in name and paper? I think that's a death sentence.
You, on the other hand, are young, vibrant and able to create and design your life - not live it by default. What a true blessing!
Now for this (what Barb wrote):
Why not continue to enjoy the time you have with her before she becomes a teen and wants to lock you out of her world? Forget about dating a little while longer. You really are doing fine.
Not to say this is right for everyone, this is what I chose to do. Ginger, I can't tell you often enough that I am SO glad I chose this path. They grow up so quickly and then they're gone. I still don't completely have my head wrapped around the fact that a short 4 years ago, my D22 and I could barely stand each other and she was leaving for college (not a minute too soon, either). Now she's graduated, working and living on your side of the country. I'm not sad... but it is different. And it makes me (and her as well) glad that we were able to do all the things together that we did when she was living in my home. When I joined this BB, she had just turned 9. It goes by so quickly. I have zero regrets about not dating.
Like Barb, I look at you and feel really nostalgic and wishful of having that time back. Although I don't have regrets about anything, the only thing I wish I could have done better was to focus on joy when I was living in that moment 100%. I miss having her and her friends around. I went from having a bunch of teenage girls in my house until 2012 to having none - it was incredibly weird.
So enjoy all of your D9 while you have her. Just look at how much time has flown while you've been on this BB. She was an infant yesterday and now she's heading for her teenage years.
I join Barb in the virtual hug! Love and miss you!
Betsey
p.s. Barb, now my D22 is making plans on coming home for Thanksgiving AND Christmas. She told me last week, "There is NO way I'm not spending my holidays with you guys at home." I think you have to go through the pain to get to the good...
My ladies! I want to promise you all that I'm not dwelling again on the outcome of this whole mess. Yes, the D-date and my mom's death date do pull up a lot of "what-if's" in my life. I lost a lot with both of those. Things I fought so hard for.
Getting the chance for a do-over has been both a blessing and a curse. I am young, or was for that matter, lol, but I was held to the constraints of having an infant and getting a do-over on my own within the consquences of his actions. But like you said, Betsey, it has shaped the R that me and my little one has. I wouldn't trade it in. And I do know that my life would have royally stunk because he would have continued mistreating me and cheating on me, more kids would have come along, and I would have been miserable and eventually very hurt. I know this happened for the better, even if in a really crappy way.
Barb, we are filled with life and love and all the great things. Thank you for recognizing that (as I see it in you too). I do love the things life has to offer. I'm upset I am having hard time finding the joy I once used to, but I got a glimpse of it the other day. In D9's first Zumba class with me, I was watching her and she had sucha huge smile on her face, my heart just lit up. It felt good.
As far as the dating goes..... Just remember, I've been divorced since 28 pretty much, with very little dating mixed in and a 6 month R. It's a little different than someone having a partner through these years then just focusing on their kids. Most of my prime years have been spent on living for my kid and rebuilding life. I enjoy the time I spend with her, we do stuff we both enjoy together, and I am sucking it in now as I know it won't be here forever. I get told a lot they can't understand why I am not taken or I don't have a boyfriend or that I can't find anyone. I don't because I don't look, and because my activities do not put me in the path of a guy. My time is spent with friends and their families, at events or their houses. I go out to bars, dinner, take my exercise classes (mostly women, women with a few married men mixed in) and the such, but I am certainly not looking for Mr. right at a bar, and I am not the type to flirt with guys in those scenes. And when I am out and about with the kid, it is just assumed with such a young kid I am married. I could actively sit down and search online but you are right, that is not where I want to devote my time. I got fortunate enough to meet exNG at a party through mutual friends.He would literally just have to walk into my life. So, al the talk I do, I don't even pursue it. it's is where I am and I guess where I am meant to be.
I miss you both very much. I had so much fun in the time I got to spend with you, as did D. I was scrolling to Disney pics and I love the one of barb and D waiting to see the fireworks. I lost a few in my phone, so if you could barb, send me any you have!
Back atcha!
I get told a lot they can't understand why I am not taken or I don't have a boyfriend or that I can't find anyone.
G, I've heard this from men and women since the get go. I use to spend a lot of time being a wordsmith: you know. Finding what I want to say that was the truth. The fact is that most people are very uncomfortable with people who are comfortable not being paired up. It's *their* projection. With each passing year, I just said, "Because I'm 100% focused on enjoying where I am right now." That was also a bust, because I then got lectures from folks who wouldn't hesitate to say that I couldn't live through my daughter. Sigh.
Now? LOL. Rather than be honest with people - because they seem to feel obliged to point out that I'm wrong - I tell them what they don't want to hear, even if it isn't the truth. LOL. I just tell them, "Why would I want a man? I hate them!" They tend to shut down and tsk away. I must say that I prefer that response.
The fact is, that I'm open to it. Provided he walks into my life like a normal person and we get to know each other off the computer. I'm willing to wait for it. I'll wait forever. And if it doesn't happen, I'm just going to go with my plan...
I can honestly tell you that people won't be so ready to pressure you in 10 years or so. For some reason, the older you get, the more you find people honest and willing to admit they wish they had been able to figure out that they didn't have to lose themselves in a marriage. Go figure. We're not those women, G.
Here's to dodging bullets!
Now, off to Westminster. TTYL!
Bets
Hi Ginger,
Betsy is spot on!! I have found that people, although generally well meaning, are extremely uncomfortable with single peeps. That's why so many deliver hollow cheerleading speeches (that's what I call them). "You will find someone when you least expect it!" Is he going to leap out from underneath the car? I mean, dang. My XSIL met and married a man in ICU. No, that isn't a typo and it happened in 18 days. Didn't last but I digress. Or the ubiquitous "There is someone out there." Well, duh. Lotsa peeps out there on the planet but that doesn't negate that it isn't easy peasy to meet single, available folk.
You seem like a beautiful, smart, caring, genuine woman who happens to be a fantastic mother and great friend. I have friends that do OLD and it is mixed bag. I find it interesting that we have come to a place where we have convinced ourselves that the only way we can meet people is by not talking to them. Gotta swipe right or message them thru a dating app. I know that pitch is that if you really want someone you have to market yourself.I don't OLD but if I did here is my marketing pitch "Divorced 43 year old mother of 3. Devoted football fan who eats crunchy peanut butter out of the jar. Does a mean version of "Photograph" in karaoke and makes margaritas that make your face go numb. Even my socks don't have a match" I kid:)Sorry for that highjack.
I'm sure you get lonely and I know this isn't what you saw for yourself. Just live your life. Enjoy your daughter. I do think if finding a partner is very important, then you will have to more than likely, do something (whatever that is) to meet more single guys. Just my very invaluable 2 cents.
Hang in there. Positive vibes your way.
Betsey,
I am so very fortunate that I have been embraced as the off number wheel for so long. I am the odd wheel this weekend, I'll be the odd wheel next weekend, and I'll be the odd wheel for my cousin's birthday. No one is uncomfortable with it luckily. me more than anyone maybe, but not so much. I did enjoy actually having a date there for a while.
People just ask. Or I talk about wanting an R. So, the frustrating is, I don't simply say "I don't want a man!" It isn't my choice at this point, lol. Because it isn't my choice, I get uncomfortable with the question. So I just say I'm sure when the time is right, it'll happen for me.
Georgibelle,
Your 2 cents are very valuable. Thank you for your sweet words. I cracked up at your dating site profile because I love it! I think you should use it! Those are actually valuable qualities to offer. We do indeed have to market ourselves, and I have never, ever been good at that. I just tell the truth like you did and I hope someone is like "yes, that's my future wife!" I listen to those hallow cheerleading speeches for 8 years. "I've listened to those hallow dating cheerleading speeches for 8 years. "it's going to happen, don't worry, when you least expect it" Well, I guess I'm not going to expect it at 70, right? The last guy was completely unexpected, so maybe that was right. but it didn't work out, so, technically, "it" didn't happen.
I hate sounding so desperate on here. I'm not really, If I was, I'd be actually doing something about it. I am lonely, that's no secret. I just can't make that mission at this point in time. Too darn busy. I'm stuck in a rock in a hard place. Like you said Betsey, I am holding out for the one who comes into my life, makes himself a part of my life as well as I make myself a part of his, and embraces my crazy, messy life. A true partner.
Ginger, when I took off my ring I decided I wasn't going to date. God was going to have to fling the right guy in my path for me to change my mind. But I did watch around me to see what guys were like. And I knew I wanted a chance to get the marriage thing right. So when I asked a friend "Do you think I'll ever meet a good guy?" She hesitated and said, "Well, I think you're going to have to put yourself out there."
I threw together an online dating profile not much different than GB's and then I spent more time exploring who was out there than in hoping someone would find me. Every time I looked at a profile I imagined what life with that guy might be like -- i.e., comparing the brainy guys against the professionals against the athletes against ... You get the idea?
I spent a little time messaging and had some phone calls and narrowed down my values. I went on a couple of dates and narrowed down my values some more. I met my guy and got excited but when it looked like it wouldn't work out I went back to the candy shop and went on a couple more dates. That confirmed what I wanted -- the kind of life My Guy wanted (as it happens). There was nothing wrong with the other people I went out with -- they just didn't offer what I wanted. Things smoothed out with My Guy and now I'm enjoying the ride.
At no point did I try to market myself. I stuck some true things up on a wall and dedicated myself more to seeing what would make me happy than wondering who would find me attractive. How would it change your thinking if the thought of how you approach dating was more about determining what you want than trying to attract someone to you?
Ginger,
I think I understand what you mean when you say you were robbed of the future. I kind of felt that way too, at first. Like I had my future abruptly changed by someone else's decisions and I didn't even get a say. It was tough. And, every once in a great while, it still is. But on this end, looking back, I know that everything that happened led me to where I am now and I'm much happier and more stable than I have been in a LONG time. I liked what some of those before me said about reframing the whole thing. For me, time allowed me to reframe it. It might be different for all of us, but I think we all get there in our own time.
Like Maybell said above, when I first took my rings off, I was not going to date. And, now, almost 2 full years after D, I feel like maybe I might be ready to dip my toe in again. But we shall see.
Best of luck!
Maybell and dawn, I follow along on your sitch. and I always smile to read of your new R. It's coming along nicely, and you are cautiously optimistic which is smart . I too, swore off dAting after the D. I knew I would date again, I was in my 20's but I didn't look nor want anything for quite sometime and I was content. I was rediscovering me, and getting my life in order over some huge bumps in the road. I actually dated a guy shortly after the separation who was completely wrong for me and I realized I was not ready. It was fun, but purely a rebound. 2 years in I dated someone who was not an R and Someone who I kept reconnecting with briefly throughout the years, but never seriously. We were familiar and comforting and honestly, it kept the " itch" away for real R's. As soon as I truly released him, that's when ex NG came into my life. Now exNG is gone, my place of comfort is now in an R and I have nothing to scratch that itch.
Oh, by the way, as I'm tryiping this is when I realized why I might be extra extra lonely this time. It's quite an "aha" moment.
So now is my time to be truly, truly without that comfort. And be ok with being where I am without that.
I was looking at old pictures where I was doing fun, new things and there was such a light and happiness in my eyes. I know it's missing now. I'm going to get it back. Without anyone to put it there but me.
I had my IC tonight and it was needed. I realized I was falling back into "woah is me " mentality and that's not where I want to be or who I am.
I've also struggled with something going on in my life that I can't share with anybody but my IC as to keep someone else's business private. But it's really, really been affecting me. I think we came up with a solution on how to help it not affect me.
Thanks guys. I've really had an eye opening revalation. What has been weird is that I've went through the process already and came out the other side. This is not the beginning for me. I seem to be cycling through it again, and it's somewhere I just do not want to go back to
You know, G, I get it. I really do. You love your daughter, you love your family and your friends. They are enough. You have a good life, a good job.
But we sometimes have this idea of what we thought our life was going to look like and then it doesnt and we feel sad about it from time to time.
It doesnt take away from what we do have. It doesnt mean we cant be happy and content. It just means that the visions we had, didnt happen and sometimes we need to acknowledge that and its ok when we do as long as we dont live there.
I know you know that someone should enhance your life, not define it. I used to get angry when someone would say that I need someone to complete me as if I wasnt complete on my own. As if, without someone, I was somehow not finished.
You thought you found someone that would add to your life. It didnt work out. You feel sad and disillusioned. Totally appropriate response. I wont disrespect you by telling you to get over it.
But you will..you are. It's a process. The stages of grief. The reconciliation of your feelings.
I honestly feel as if you will meet someone when you are supposed to and there isnt anything you should be doing to hasten that.
Your life is full. You are amazing. This may not be what you thought your life was going to look like, but, you have many blessings.
Nothing ever stays the same. Thats the real truth of it.
So, strap yourself in and ride the ride. See where it lands you. Until then...dont be too hard on yourself, you know...like you do sometimes.
Love you, sweetie.
You know what? Dating takes effort. Perfect men seldom just fall into your lap. If you're not in college or a job where you meet a lot of single men, you're going to have to put in the effort and date a few frogs.
I think it's fine if somebody doesn't want a relationship, great, don't date. But be honest with yourself; if you WANT a relationship, you have to do the work to find someone.
For most people today that means online dating. But if you can't handle that, you need to join meetup groups, take up a male-dominated hobby, or find some other way to meet men. Smile at men in Starbucks or the grocery store.
I dated several men after my divorce. The only one I didn't meet online was the one who picked me up in Big Lots. I would never have met Mr Tall Dark and Handsome without online dating; he lived 90 miles away and came from a completely different sphere of life. Yet he's perfect for me.
So be honest with yourself; do you want a relationship, really? If you do, do the work.
Hi UR:) You pretty much nailed it all. I do have a full life, I made a good one for myself. and for D. Anyone who enters it now will enhance it, not make me whole. I can be a crazy whole at times, but I am whole.
I have dropped the whole future thing. I'm back to taking things day by day. I feel for those who spent their lives with someone and saw growing old with them and they leave right before the golden years. We all lost a picture of what we though the future would hold for us in one way or another. I can't stay stuck there anymore.
Yes, I found someone who added to my life. And it didn't work out. I realize it was difficult for so many reasons, but when you finally think you get it right, that person tells you are everything they were looking for, you were the best R they ever had, even AFTER you broke up, it leaves you scratching your head. People walk away easily, and into someone elses arms even when you have something like that? left me feeling confused and hopeless. But I am slowly accepting there are just no explanations for things. And I am getting over it, I think. Things are the way they are. Nothing I can do about it. Being still in that regard is sooooooooo hard for me.
I certainly do need to quit being hard one myself. Right now, I'm just living day by day and what is will be.
Ellie,
Yes, I do want an R, for real. That is no secret. But I can't for the life of me figure out where I can fit the effort of dating in with my life and schedule. I know there needs to be priorities, and while I would love to put school and my daughters activities on the backburner and get my ex to take D maybe 2 more nights a month, he won't. I'd like to skip the dating portion, honestly, and get right to the R where I can have him around my D, so I don't have to chose how to use my very limited free nights per month! Yes, at this point, I'd rather spend those nights with friends than going on first dates. So, well, rock in a hard place.
My friend and I did go out the other night and these 2 guys bought us some drinks and then we got a bite to eat at the diner with him. The one guy asked for a number so we could all hang out sometime, and he did use it to ask me out. However, I am not interested at all. I'm not attracted, he's a 48 year old guy who's never been married, semi-employed, living in a frat house type of situation. Not for me. I turned him down kindly.
So, I've decided against looking for anything right now and just finding my happiness alone. My LL is PT, which has been a bit hard to go without, and by that I don't mean sex, just being held, hugged, holding hands, that stuff. But I'll just keep going without. UR is right, when it's the right time in my life, it'll happen.
I think what's important, and often sorely lacking in our dating experiences, is to learn from those experiences. What I've discovered is that people are what they are and they show it to you early. It's important to believe them! Sometimes we say "Oh, it's early...they'll come around" etc. trust me, they don't! I think with NG you knew early on that his boat wasn't floating in the same waters as yours but you believed he would change. In the dating world people don't change! What you see is what you get...in reality, people are pretty simple! I think I said once before that when someone shows you who they are count it as a blessing, accept it and move on. I've learned to cut online connections fast when I pick up something that isn't right...I don't date much lol. I've yet to say "wow, I'm so glad I gave that person the benefit of the doubt" ...nope. so take this experience, learn from it and if you do want a relationship (nothing wrong it you don't) then try again. Be loving but be wise
G, you and are the same in that we want to understand. We want to know why people act as they do and we dont get it when they act in a way that doesnt make sense.
I have learned that no one knows what drives another person. So much of who we are is made up of so many things....biology, life experiences, history, etc.
So while it looks one way to us on the outside of a person, we dont really know what makes up their thoughts.
If I had to guess, I would say that NG means what he says..you were the best relationship he's had. I know because of who you are, but, also because of his actions before and since.
We dont always do what's best for us at the time. When you havent done the work, and I would guess he hasnt, you continue to go back to your comfort zone of how you always acted. It is where one feels safe.
The things you saw in him were true, I think. The kindness and the caring. But its all the other stuff, brimming beneath the surface, that is hard to figure out.
We can go round and round trying to sort it all out...but, that doesnt serve us well, right? Because the truth is...we arent them. What seems absolutely crazy to us..seems right to them. Different people, different mindsets and experiences and thoughts.
So, what can we do? We have to learn to drop at some point the wanting to know and understand and just accept what is. That's for us.
I know you have a busy life..dont forget to leave some time for you, my friend. Some quiet time.
I agree that if you want something, you have to work for it. I also feel that sometimes just releasing it all into the universe and allowing what's supposed to happen to happen, amazing things can come into your life.
You are a young, vibrant women, sweetie. Beautiful and kind and loyal. Someone has to be exceptional to deserve you.
UR, I don't know how you do it, but you do it. You understand what I feel and what I think, then simplify it for me and clear it up. I love you for that. And you are right about NG. Everything you said. he retreated back to his comfort zone because he hasn't done the work. he admits he walks away from the ones he loves. And I am proud that I am doing what is right and true to me, even outside of my comfort zone. Being still, not chasing, not trying to get someone else to understand, not fighting for what I feel should be the way things are..... way out of my comfort zone, but the right thing to do for me.
I've always been open-minded and looked at things from other people's view points. I want to understand where everyone is coming from. Sometimes we just can't. Nailed it, got to accept what is. I feel myself doing that, even it feels counterintuitive.
My social calendar is actually filled in my free time, so I am definitely taking time for me. D will be gone in a week for a week. I'll miss her but its some time to catch up with me.
Love you, UR
G, I think you know this about me, although I am not sure. I dont let many people into my life. I have a very small circle. By choice for sure.
I have to feel a connection of some sort. I have to feel safe. I felt both of those with you. First with your writing, then when we met.
I sometimes think you dont see all that you are. We often dont.
That comfort zone, man, it's scary, yea? But look at you...pushing on the sides of it for you.
I am honored to know you, my friend. I am always here, rooting you on and praying for you and your daughter.
Love you, too.
G, I think you know this about me, although I am not sure. I dont let many people into my life. I have a very small circle. By choice for sure.
I have to feel a connection of some sort. I have to feel safe. I felt both of those with you. First with your writing, then when we met.
I sometimes think you dont see all that you are. We often dont.
That comfort zone, man, it's scary, yea? But look at you...pushing on the sides of it for you.
I am honored to know you, my friend. I am always here, rooting you on and praying for you and your daughter.
Love you, too.
I've been reading this with tears. But also a heart filled with joy. JOY. I felt it again. That overwhelming warm feeling. I've felt that same connection with you and am truly honored to be considered a friend and in that close safe place.
I hope you see all that you are, as well. Us broads from Brooklyn, we are going to be just fine........
Thank you...and yes, we are going to be fine.
Okay, so, I've been gone from this great DB board for nearly 8 years. I just started a new thread here for those interested:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2694020&#Post2694020I ran across this thread and marveled at how much great advice and how many great comments were provided in only three pages. Mozza, Sotto, SunFun, UnderdogMaybell, Dawn70 and others - wow such great comments!
I then went on to read more threads, especially Ginger1's thread and low and behold, it landed me back here - I at first didn't know this was G's latest incarnation. Stay with me, I am getting to a point here, LOL. I hit upon and followed Giner's posts as I so fear that even if I do get what I think I want and find someone (again you'll have to read my thread) it could well end up like it has for Giner. My heart goes out to you Ginger. I can just tell how bad you feel. I've been there and totally don't want to go back. But that said... here's my point: (see told you I'd get to it)
Ginger, I got through it all and you will too. I only wish I could be your age again. Your life is not over - not even close. I have such a strong sense that if you just let go and focus on your daughter, your career and your life, the guy you are looking for is going to find you. He really will.
I have never met you, but I am getting a bit of a sense of who you are from reading your very honest comments. I would just suggest that you at least consider that you are trying a bit too hard and not at all living in the moment. I have been guilty of the same thing at times in my life so I know a bit of what I speak. You meet someone on a dating app, text and without even having a first date are already thinking about the future. Let me just tell you that from a guy's point of view, it will scare even the best of us away. Hard as it may be, I really would suggest that you just go and have fun. That should be your only goal - not a second date, not getting him in your life, not anything else - just have fun. If more happens, great. If not, that's fine too as you have your daughter and everything else going for you - plus you'll have learned something. Make the guy deserve and pursue you - not the other way around. He should be lucky to go out with you - not the other way around. Don't even think about what you ultimately really want. Guys can sense desperation and while you are likely not "desperate" in the true sense, it may appear that way. Allow him to pursue you. It's the old dog metaphor - chase the dog and he will run away, stop chasing the dog and he comes around to you.
I am saying these things from the best of places I can - not at all to make you feel bad. Please receive these words as intended. Above all, it breaks my heart as much if not more for your daughter. At her young age she is already struggling with her mom and dad no longer being together. Bringing guys in and out of her life that she then gets attached to without any control is not at all a good idea. I think you get that but let it happen anyhow. Please do all you can to never let that happen again. I can tell you that any guy worth your time will totally understand. I just had to say that.
I know it's so much easier for me to say this than to believe it, I often struggle even though I know it's the case - most times things don't work out, it's more about the other person than it is about you. BELIEVE IT. Even ExNG pretty much admitted it. He doesn't have complaints about you, who you are, he's just not in that place - It's about him.
Anyhow, I hope that helps. Part of participating here is not just trying to have people help me, it's about me hopefully helping others. At least that's my goal. I have every confidence things are going to work out for you. It really will.
Don
Funny, Don, as you were reading my post, I was reading yours! I am supposed to be reading for school right now, lol. I'd love to address everything, but I don't have much time now. But I will say thank you for taking the time out and giving me that great feedback.
I am a reincarnation, as I showed up here 8 years ago a scared woman with an infant who's husband had left her for the other woman. I have cycled through every stage you have mentioned. I somehow cycled back to that almost desperation stage as you mentioned. Not desperation, just a strong wanting. I had a taste with a guy I dated and I was hungry for more, I guess.
I'll just let you know, that in my 8 years of being a single mom, my D has met only one guy I dated and I truly felt it had a future. Or I hoped. And it was only this year. But I don't regret it. It was a good experience for her. For us. He was completely awesome to her. But I'm not much of a dater because my priority is my D, and has been always. Unless I think a guy is sticking around for a while, she won't meet him. Which makes it that much harder to date in my circumstance, but so be it.
When I do date, I'm not marrying them in my head. They do need to be future material, not unemployed with no direction, money, car, or motivation. I'm just one of those people either there is a connection, or there isn't. I pretty much figure that out right away before I think of anything further. Truth be told, the guys I have dated since I have known on a friend level first, or have been a friend of a friend I have had an immediate connection with.
Anyways, I did have such a great weekend with great friends, I realized anyone who wants to join in on that fun would be a great enhancement to my life, rather than make my life. I make an excellent odd number wheel right now and am so thankful how no one cares I am the only one uncoupled. I love to have fun and enjoy other people's company. Next weekend I'll be spending with some great friends too. (If I get my schoolwork done).
I think I am where my life is good, I have a strong foundation of friends and family, I just want to share it with someone. When it's time, it's time, but I'm not looking for anything right now.
I don't want to at all put you in the position of feeling you have to defend anything. Not at all. I just wanted to point some things out. I think a good part of the reason that I took hours and hours to read pretty much everything you've written is because you and I are much in the same place. Yes we are over 15 years apart in age and in different stages of life but much of the rest fits from both being in healthcare, 8/10 years divorced looking for someone and getting "a taste" with someone and wanting more. The possible difference is my taste didn't throw me back as much as it seems to have you. For me, the girl was taking things a bit too fast for me, was too soon out of her D for my comfort and then the circumstances of having three kids and 18 years with the guy she had divorced (or was separated from) allowed me to back out with not too much depression. Yeah it hurt but knowing she was not the one made it easier. Still, it's been since that happened three years ago this summer that I've really wanted to find someone else - so I get it. I really do.
I know you're not just taking anyone, but when you find a guy that checks your boxes, I just get the sense you are off to the races - at least in your head. Just my sense - something to consider.
I then also have to wonder if you're over-looking things because you want it so bad. Hind-sight is always easier to be sure. However, I think even as you look back at ExNG you now see warning signs that were likely there all along. It's a balance of needing to accept someone as he is and not change him but then also not give up too much. This is all so darn hard isn't it?
Then finally, with your daughter. I'm really glad that it seems to have ended okay this time. What's done is done and you can't un-ring that bell. Just, if I can say it, please be careful in the future. Think about how bad you felt about the breakup. The thing is, you control that to a point. Your D had zero control. Someone came into her life who she started to have feelings for and was taken away completely out of her control. She sounds like a very smart, beyond her years girl. That is a huge credit to you. You are raising a great D. But remember she is only 8. Kids can't begin to process and understand things like adults. This does not apply to you with only one guy but for other kids who's mothers or fathers bring people in and our of their lives, it writes on the slate of who they are. Experts near totally agree to just never interject kids until you are near positive. Many say somewhere between 6 months and one year. I'm very glad it seems to have ended well this time. Just please don't chance it again.
Finally, I'm typically a decent judge of people - again unless I'm dating them LOL - and you sound much stronger the past week or so. You will get through this. Even with my tales of woe through the past years, what I'm experiencing now was not at all the case when I was your age. No clue what changed but I have every confidence you are going to find someone. I'm rather sure of it. If I'm concerned about anything it's you may not be able to keep your foot of the gas enough for things to develop at a decent pace. For what it's worth, that's where I'd suggest you put your focus.
Oh, and I started this with how much you and I are alike, I may have saved the best for last? LOL WAW was a nurse! Go figure!
Glad we could interact. I'll keep watching your progress.
Hey Ginger. I'm not here to dismiss any advice, obviously there is wisdom behind all of it. I will say I think you are doing awesome.
You went through a tough loss and stumbled but didn't fall. You have your head screwed on straight and your priorities in order. I think it is totally normal to want someone else in your life, or to be frustrated when it doesn't work out.
Sometimes I wonder about how much advice we should try to apply. I mean, on the one extreme we could do absolutely nothing to reflect on how to approach dating and just act like victims when it doesn't work out. But the other extreme is to become super analytical and self critical about everything, figuring if it isn't working it's all our fault, and that if only we can do it just right it will work. Be not too desperate, have fun date by date, be ok on your own, don't think people will change, don't get ahead of yourself, look for people that make you happy and don't worry about what you offer...all good advice to a point. But at what point do we follow the advice of "don't become neurotic trying to get everything perfect thinking that's the only way you deserve or will find a partner?" This is on the heels of me admitting that I fight this battle quite a bit in different areas of my life. And I think DB Forums by nature attract people that are analytical and reflective, so we forget that millions upon millions of people just couple up despite not giving a lot of strategic thought to it, so thinking that it's a puzzle that only sherlock holmes can solve isn't really the case.
Lord, I'm jealous of animals. You don't see birds posting on forums or tormenting themselves over the wording of their online profile. They just spread out some colorful feathers and whistle a few times and away they go. And I rarely see codependent birds with addictions and boundary issues trying to rescue each other and seething with resentment.
I do think it's inevitable you'll be in a good relationship. You have a ton to offer and from what you listed above don't seem to be too inflexible. It will happen for you. And in the meantime you're doing great. Anyway, thanks for being around and take care.
Lord, I'm jealous of animals. You don't see birds posting on forums or tormenting themselves over the wording of their online profile. They just spread out some colorful feathers and whistle a few times and away they go. And I rarely see codependent birds with addictions and boundary issues trying to rescue each other and seething with resentment.
This made me chuckle! I can see where you're coming from because TPT wasn't widowed too long (she may not even have been widowed) before she jumped on someone else's husband. I think it's because she must be a two-legged canine.... So no over-analysing for her!
I do think it's inevitable you'll be in a good relationship. You have a ton to offer and from what you listed above don't seem to be too inflexible. It will happen for you. And in the meantime you're doing great.
Totally agree!
Wow! Thanks for all the repsonses! I love the feedback I get on here. It's extremely helpful to me, which is why I find my way back.
DonH- Wow! thanks for taking the time to spend reading my recent posts. I wish it gave you a little more enocuargement, but I guess it does seem gloomy and doomy lately. Honestly, those from the boards who know me personally know my recent postings don't accurately reflect ME, but more of a little part in my life I struggle with.
This last R is the only one that has thrown me for a loop. The other small dating experiences, not so much. We ended things still in love with each other, which is never easy. I have absolutely zero regrets with this R. I would have done absolutely nothing differently. I came to him with my needs when they weren't being met, and what I asked for was very small. He told me he couldn't do it (come see me every 4-6 weeks) so I chose to end it. he was confused, and bounced from wanting me to ask me to move in with him 3 months in (he never did though) he was the one who said "I love you" first with zero pressure from me, then he wanted me to move to his area, but not in with him, which I wouldn't do. When I made the big out of state move, it had to be a one time deal. I in no way showed desperation. He was the needy one, not me. I happen to be a woman with a goal and path who knows what I want. And I have no problem taking it slow to get there as long as me and the person I am dating have the same goals. His goals and what he wants kept on changing. It hurt me and I couldn't deal anymore.
Just a question, what do you mean in regards to my daughter and dating "not to chance it again?" I do feel everything in life is a chance. There are no guarentees in life. I can't guarantee that I am going that it will work out in the end with anyone I date. I'll always act in the best interest of my D and be careful, but I will take chances. Dating with a young one is certainly tricky. You don't want to wait too long and find out your kid doesn't like the guy you are dating or his kids. I would hate to get to the point of absolute commitment and find that out. There are no hard and fast rules on that one. When I feel it's right (and I have been pretty good about that) I'll do it.
I have been feeling much stronger, thank you. Truth be told, not much I can do about this area of my life right now. My schedule is completely packed through October with D cheerleading, school. work, school restarting...... dating is just not feasible right now. So, I'm just enjoying what's around me. I am super super stressed about school right now, so that takes up my time. I have surgery next week. I have full weekends. My plate is overwhelmingly full. I'm just accepting life, in the now, as it is!
Hello Zeus!
Thanks for dropping by. When applying dating advice, I apply what is feasible or reasonable to me and that matches my personality. I have learned to be straight forward and honest, not to pretzel myself anymore. Someone says "I wasn't looking for a relationship, but......" I now high tail it out of there. I used to talk myself into thinking I didn't either. Or figure they would come around. So I am honest. I've been analyzing the crap out of myself, and my last dating experience, and I am proud to say I wouldn't change a thing about my decisions and how everything was handled. I would with other experiences, but not this one. Just because it didn't have my desired result, doesn't mean I did something wrong.
You are so right about being over analytical about dating. I realize many people just couple up and give it a shot and it works! We, on these boards, going through divorce just can't do that anymore. Especially those with kids.
Oh, and what I would do to be an animal. They sniff butts, find their mate and hook up, and are as happy as can be.
Maybe I should try butt sniffing...... God, I am gross. It's possible my crude sense of humor drives away men, but that's who I am!
I can't even say I drive them away though. I just don't meet them in the first place.
And thank you ALL of you for having some hope and faith that I will be in a good R one day. I'm going to keep the hope too. it just isn't my time yet.
And last but not least, on a different subject,
My child is slowly killing me. She has been becoming increasingly argumentative. And I am not talking normal argumentative for a 9 year old. I mean, seriously argumentative, questioning, and demanding over EVERYTHING. It's literally making me nuts. I've been coparenting with OWW this past week rather than H (weird, I know) and she made a joke when she came to pick her up that lately D9 could give the lawyers in her office a run for their money are the arguing. The camp director mentioned something. We know her father isn't handling it well.
And I am losing my cool too. I lost it yesterday. Not like ex, don't worry. But I have no clue how to remedy this. Especially without backup. I can't tell her to throw a wrapper in the garbage without an argumentative debate. And it is very wearisome.
I did tell her I was going to go to the looney bin if she doesn't stop. She asked what the loony bin is. I told her a place where parents have to go when their kids make them crazy. So she googled it and found out the loony bin is a real thing. she panicked a bit. Not my best parenting strategy, but I am desperate. So when she was starting with me last night, I would just yell "loony bin"
I get a week of no arguing next week. Maybe I am a crappy parent, but I need the reprieve. I'll miss her like crazy, but this momma needs a break.
So she googled it and found out the loony bin is a real thing. she panicked a bit.
Was this the comedy club on Staten Island?
butt sniffing...that's going in my online profile as an interest! I also think that all kids go through these testing phases...they come and go. At one point we wondered whether my oldest was possessed and were watching for her head to spin!
As far as the overthinking stuff...I overthink how to stop overthinking lol. In online dating I've come to the point where I just pull the trigger when my gut says it's not going anywhere. The problem with online is that there is so much you cannot know about the other party...there's so much ambiguity and it's a gold mine for over analyzing. I try not to anymore and remind myself that I don't have to know and understand everything especially that which someone else does. I do what's best for me and also know that no contact is the last one. I discovered that I can make connections very easily and can replace any that come up pretty quickly if i choose to. I don't take crap. Speaking of overanalyzing I had a lady message me the other day and she really liked the photo I'd posted of me standing in front of a LOVE sign. I replied that some signs are just meant to be on a dating site lol., thanked her for her message and wished her the best. She replied "what signs are you seeing in my profile? If there are things I should change please let me know, I'm open to learning." I did explain that I was commenting on her comment about the LOVE sign...her profile was fine. Now that's overthinking lol. Hang in there G, what will be will be
Lol at the butt sniffing!
I feel you on what you're facing with your D8, because it's exactly what I am going through with kid. I have no advice, just commiseration.
Cadet, if that is the looney bin, I think we need to make a group trip and get some laughs!
Wii, My D is not going through a phase, unfortunately. This has been her since she could talk. I thought maybe it would get better as she got older, but really, it's only armed her with more ammunition as she got smarter. This has been her for her whole life and it surely takes a toll. I love her more than life itself, but I am exhausted. Overthinking could be a killer in any portion of life. Especially dating. We want to be careful, but analyze to death. I am an overthinker, and honestly haven't always been this way.
Grl,
Hugs to you, momma, as I know just what you are going through. Not only is it physically lonely to manage sometimes, but mostly emotionally. But we shall get through. Our kids will grow up as high powered lawyers who are strong women or FBI interrogators. It'll pay for the loony bin I'll have to be put in, lol.
G, your girl is a spitfire...for sure.
I know she has always been like this. But she is exceptionally bright, so I understand why it seems to be getting worse.
I remember when my son was around 12 and I literally annoyed him just by breathing the same air. If I said red, he said blue. Would drive me crazy, the stupid arguments we would have. I finally realized that arguing with a child was never going to get me anywhere.
So, I was very careful to pick my arguments. The standards by which I did varied but were mostly...was he going to get hurt by his actions, was he being really disrespectful, was anyone else going to get hurt. If what he wanted to do didnt fall into those categories, I pretty much ignored it.
He would try to get me into an argument, I would be humming a tune in my head. He would push my buttons, and I would just smile and nod.
Eventually, it stopped for the most part. He wasnt getting the reaction he was trying so hard to get.
It is all part of them trying to find there place in the world and fostering independence.
Oh and that we are the safe ones..the ones that they can do that with and know we still love them unconditionally.
So, try really hard to not get pulled into that with her. I know it's difficult. And it isnt going to end anytime soon...sorry, but that is the truth. So the sooner you try to let a lot of it go, the better off you will be.
I also always let him have boundaries and tried my best to uphold them. That makes them feel safe in the long run.
Strap yourself in, sweetie, or you will get tossed around. LOL!
You can do this...I know it without a single doubt.
Agree with UR's wise words.
Also, have you ever read that book I recommended, Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinkas? If not, it's a MUST read. Very practical but explains things in terms of personality types with extreme tendencies. Really helped me with my three difficult children.
I know for you there's also an underlying tension, in that some part of you worries about her developing mental illness like your mother. If you go to pubmed and search you will see some fantastic results from the Vienna Omega 3 study which shows dramatically reduced risk of developing psychosis in high risk adolescents if they are given fish oil. My friend who has a schizophrenic sister is giving fish oil to her own son right now because of this study.
And, don't forget effects of nutritional deficiencies or food sensitivities on behavior in children. Enterolab dot com has a stool test you can order yourself for gluten/dairy/soy/egg sensitivities - it's the most sensitive test and easier to do than a blood test on kids this age. And check for OCD symptoms - two of my kids have some OCD, and in retrospect, some of the obstinate behavior was due to bumping up against their OCD.
Oh UR, I sure am trying to buckle myself in for the ride into teenage hood. I know this isn't going away anytime soon. She is something else lately. Aside from the fighting, the questioning has me freakin batty. I think it might be a component like KML said of OCD. I am talking on the phone, she will interrupt me to ask who I am talking to and why. If I wear my hair a certain way, there is 50 questions about that. I chose a cart in target instead of a basket and I got the 3rd degree for that.
She will either make an excellent FBI interrogator or high powered attorney. She will have to pay for my looney bin bills.
I try to pick my battles with her, but I usually try to nip the things in the bud that become irritating to others. Or disrespectful. Or will hurt her friendships.
I love her more than life. she is my everything. Sometimes it's just really draining, especially with no emotional support or someone who is going through this with me who understands and we can discuss how to handle it and give eachother support. Honestly, since pretty much being a single parent pretty much my daughters whole life, I realize the physical and operation stuff I can handle alone. The emotional stuff is where I miss it. Can't do anything about it though except practice some self care. I also know it would take some superman of a guy to walk on into me and my daughters life and embrace us. because it ain't easy.
Speaking of self care, she leaves tonight for a whole week. As much as I need the reprieve, I already miss her and she hasn't left yet. I know she is missing me already too. She is really mad I am going without her this weekend to someone's house, lol.
KML, I remember you mentioning that book and I couldn't find it at the time, but I think I only tried the bookstore. I'll try amazon, thank you. Yeah, I worry a lot between both my mom and my ex's mom's psyche history. I don't think there is anything major going on, she's just one really tough cookie.
great weekend with great friends who are like family to me. Through this experience, I have really gained a second family I wouldn't trade for the world.
D8 is on vacation. OWW sent me pics. This was a first. One of D8 around a camp fire, one of D8 and her dad about to get on a paddle board.
Can I tell you how surreal this is sometimes? getting pics of your daughter and her father from the woman he left you for while they are on their summer family vacation? Brings up all weird feelings. I have accepted it just is what my life is now. Everything ex says now in terms of OWW and my D is a "we". "we have her on Thursday night". I guess I just got to embrace her as a part of the family. This is our family in a sense.
Sorry, rambling, but it is weird and I am trying to sort out how I feel about that. never ever though I would be saying any of this.
I'm making good of the time D8 is away. Lots of time with friends and surgery, I know how to stay busy. And a mani-pedi tonight. I'm getting anxious about not being able to exercise, I hope it doesn't effect my weight and mood too much.
I'm going to be seeing ex NG soon. it's brining up feelings. Not the right feelings though. Feelings of indifference would be welcomed:)
Can I tell you how surreal this is sometimes? getting pics of your daughter and her father from the woman he left you for while they are on their summer family vacation? Brings up all weird feelings. I have accepted it just is what my life is now. Everything ex says now in terms of OWW and my D is a "we". "we have her on Thursday night". I guess I just got to embrace her as a part of the family. This is our family in a sense.
Sorry, rambling, but it is weird and I am trying to sort out how I feel about that. never ever though I would be saying any of this.
That IS weird that OWW is the one sending you pics, sort of surreal, except....your ex is SUCH an a$$ that he would never bother to send you pictures. At least OWW acknowledges you as D8's mom and is keeping you in the loop.
It must be so hard for you to have to share her, especially with THAT woman. But what you said is true, G. This is your reality now, and this is D8's family. At least OWW treats D8 well.
I'm sorta going thru the same thing. My oldest son told me he is going to ask his dad to drive up to CT to help him with putting a new roof on his "chicken palace," and where my ex goes, the Russian goes too. I'm sort of nervous about my grand kids meeting her for the first time. But she IS their step-grandma. I guess I have to "embrace her as part of the family" just like you with OWW, even though the thought of it makes the both of us want to puke LOL
I'm going to be seeing ex NG soon. it's brining up feelings. Not the right feelings though. Feelings of indifference would be welcomed
Detaching is easier said than done; it takes time. It'll get a little better every week. And you have, what, a month? Hang in there. We'll all be there for support and for plying you with Mojitos! What ever it takes!
Good luck with your surgery T. I hope it finally fixes your foot problem.
Ginger, sounds like you're going through a wide range of feelings right now.
Wow on the oww sending you pics. It's a nice gesture but it svcks that she's doing it and not your x. Or would you actually prefer to deal with her instead? I don't know what to think about it but I know you have been dealing with it pretty well. I pray that I will never have to be in this position because I doubt that I have your grace and your fortitude.
As for xNG, I hope you'll be able to feel detached/ indifferent when you meet him. Or at least not have him stir up too many uncomfortable feelings.
Hi there guys. I'm just accepting life as it is right now. D8 is having a fun time, I am happy for her. The strange thing for me is that my D has a life I really don't know much about or have a part in. But my first and foremost thing is she is happy and loved by everyone in her life. He's been sending me pictures, he always has done that. She just never has, and I guess it was kind for her to consider me as I am her mother.
Ex Ng is still a month away. I think it's the unknown and if I am totally and completely honest it, I am worried that feelings will stirred up on my end and none on his. And I'll feel like a tool. Mojitos and the ice luge should get me through.
My cousin, the one who wanted to go to therapy with me, is yet again giving me a hard time. She's just not a considerate person. After work I'm spending like the whole night in the city for her birthday dinner and I am up again, 6 am tomorrow, last day before surgery to go to work and get stuff done. My dad plans on doing a lot of helping around the house which is great, I look forward to having them here. and the dog (I know how you love him, RL!).
I'm falling to an acceptance stage. My life is my life. It's weird and may it be lacking in some areas, it's fruitful in many more. I've made the actual decision on giving up dating for a while. I haven't even been looking, but I do have a want, and I am making that want disappear now. I don't have time, I can't deal with the games, and I'll revisit it in the future at some point.
For now, I'll just be my odd numbered wheel and take in the love of my friends and family.
Ginger,
How did the surgery go? I hope you are feeling better soon!
How are you?
Has the anaesthesia worn off?
Hello guys! Thanks for checking in on me! Surgery went well. I'm in minimal pain, I am just on couch rest with bathroom privellages for the weekend which is weird for me, but I'm being compliant. My dad and his wife have been with me. The staff where I had my surgery was excellent and will be getting rave reviews. It's with the hospital system I work for, so I'll give them a huge shoutout on the intranet.
I can even stretch my foot with less pain than before, so hopefully it worked
D8 comes home tonight or tomorrow, then it's back to the grind on Monday. For 2 weeks I've got to keep it to minimal walking and standing. I'll make it work somehow.
And maybe I'll be returning to kickboxing before the end of the year!
oh I'm so glad to hear this. I know how you love your exercising, and how hard it was on you to have to forego! An attitude I simply cannot comprehend but wish I could adopt LOL
I'm glad you have minimal pain, but please do not rush the process. Give your foot time to heal or you'll be back in for additional surgery.
I'm glad the staff at the hospital were great! This is half the process of healing, i.e., when everything goes as planned.
Allow your dad and his wife to take care of you. When you return to work, either take crutches or a cane and be firm w/the office staff that you can't be walking on that foot for long periods of time.
Take care and enjoy the TLC you are getting and allow your daughter to take care of you too!
Thanks job! I'm actually being a good patient which I never am because I really want this to work. I'm going a little stir crazy, but it's hot as balls outside so I don't really need to leave the house. I'm letting people care for me which is not easy, but I'm very appreciative. Friends came over last night and brought an ice cream cake. D8 is home from vacation last night.
And here is where the fun begins. For some reason she hysterically cried because I was sleeping on the couch and she wanted me in her bed. I did calm her down and hobbled upstairs to tuck her in. We talked and she comes out with it. Her dad told her to " stop being a little b!tch". She was upset because she thought her letter worked and h just can't control himself. I do have to address this now. I'm so so so mad. He's tearing this girl down . And she is disgusted with how he talks to his mother. It hurts her to hear him talk to her grandmother like that.
Then I get something from the IRS telling me I owe them $1400 from 2014. I'm afraid something happened when ex refilled . Everything is messed up.
The fun never ends over here!!!
Good news: my professor may give a whole bunch of time consuming assignments. But he also gives me a 100% on everything. So hopefully I can do it again with the 2000 word paper I need to write today.
I just need a break. I really need to do something about this situation with her father.
But he's never going to change, I know it. So I have to teach her the best how to deal with it.
Hi Ginger,
I'm glad to hear the surgery went well and that you are feeling okay. Ice cream cake? That would make those folks friends of the century in my book.
I'm sorry about the way x is behaving. Sadly, that's all on him and others suffer from the fallout and the pain. Ugh.
I can totally relate to the never-ending excitement. It makes life sort of like Disneyworld minus the water rides and musical performances.
Good luck on your paper. I see a good grade in your future.
Hey Georgia!
I haven't even confronted ex yet, but I know I have to. I feel like I am avoiding it, and I should be going all mama bear on him, but I am so at the point I know it doesn't make a difference. I am angry about this, but expressing any anger to that insensitive wall sometimes is so pointless.
I'm back at work since yesterday and some form of exhaustion is catching up to me, I cannot for the life of me keep my eyes open. I am sitting here at my desk nodding off. I am dropping D off at cheerleading tonight, ex is picking her up, and I am going home and passing out. I was on my foot a lot yesterday and it finally hurts. Stiches come out Thursday though.
I'm in avoidance mode right now if things I really have to take care of physically and emotionally.
I think I am going on a date from a guy online. I don't pay any attention anymore. but this guy caught my attention, we chatted a bit, I honestly just didn't have time to get on the app and chat back after a few times, and I felt like a butthead. he actually reached out asking if everything was ok. I told him about surgery and such, and I apologized for not getting back to him. I felt really bad. We may have a date next week. I have one night free, after 8pm. Really, why would a guy want to deal with that? One date won't hurt.
I feel like I make a good partner, but I can't give anyone quite what they deserve right now in terms of time. I can't even give myself what I deserve in terms of time, lol
Hi Ginger,
Get some rest tonight. And I know this isn't any consolation, however, my ex h averages having kids around 2 nights a month. Sometimes 3. I'm *sure* one isn't supposed to handle things this way, however, at this point in my life I am all about candor. I told the new guy at the beginning "If any guy wants to get to know me, he will have to be accommodating and flexible. I have 3 kids under 13 my sitter is in college."
Not to sound all Hallmark cardish, but I think when you meet the *right* fit, that person will understand. It doesn't make it easy.However,I did not want to delude anyone into thinking "this chick has every other weekend free!!" To quote Mrs. Blockhead from Peanuts, "Mwak, mwak, mwak."
You sound like a wonderful, compassionate lady with a ton to offer to anyone. I always say I don't have baggage, but rather an entire set of Orla Kiely luggage. Go on the date. Enjoy yourself and have fun.
Hope the foot feels better:)
Lil' G!
I saw your photo on the alt and just want to say (late, of course) that I hope you're on the mend and ready to kick some a$$ soon! Hugs, sista.
Sigh. Here's a side note to all of you who are wondering if this problem ever goes away. The answer is NO. NO. Mr. W. and I have lived separately since January 2002 and divorced since May 2005. It's a long, damn time and I *still* have to go to the mat with him now and then. 90% of the time, it's about the girls. The other 10% is when he's treating me like something yucky on the bottom of his shoe. As I told him on our road trip to NY back in May, what do I have to lose? He already divorced me, so nothing. He's not paying me maintenance and child support ended this past March. NOTHING.
I can tell you from my POV is that when I choose to do this from a solution perspective, he's receptive and *I* feel better. I've often put discussions on hold until the anger and blame have shifted and I am in the right mindset to be kind and helpful. I rarely get good feedback from him when I'm not ready to get there on my own. As MWD said, strike when the iron is cold. I'm a huge fan.
Compose your thoughts and make sure you get back in the mindset of "when you said that to D9, this is how she said she felt. I imagined being in her shoes and felt this was important to address with you, because I know you don't mean to hurt her." Maybe that's total BS, but give him a way in to listen and take some corrective action?
Some day very soon, your D9 is going to be the one to bust his chops. I know you enjoy hearing stories of my D22. But it took her awhile to muster up the energy to say stuff to her dad. In the end, she told me that she only felt ready when she knew I had her back 100% and she felt she could deal with his defense tactics (he's a master of this game). I wound up coaching her how to be emotionally honest without blame. And I reiterated over and over how it didn't matter how he received the message, as long as it was delivered truthfully and without malicious intent. She was a great student.
To this very day, I think her path with her dad has affected her R with him. She called me on her lunch hour today and said with a heavy sigh, "Is Dad traveling again or is he home?" I told her he was home this week. She said quietly, "I guess it's time I call him. We mainly text nowadays, and it's better that way."
Good f*cking grief! I am SOOOOO glad she doesn't feel that way about calling me! She calls me 3-4x a week now. That's the result of his decade plus of not getting real with his kid. Sometimes I scratch my head and think, "what a dick head. I'm divorced from a dick head." But she pointed out to me back in June on our way to MA that she thinks he has a lot of regrets, and that she thinks his choices affect(ed) him a whole lot more than he's willing to admit... to us or even himself.
So there you have it.
Love you!
Bets
Thanks bets! I'm hoping this is the end for my stupid foot. I need my physical activities back! especially when I am not partaking in other physical activities.....lol
You are so right about everything. I know my ex isn't going to change, just like yours hasn't. The trick is bringing them up so they can emotionally handle things. It is just sad what our kiddos have to deal with with their fathers. I can sit here, and get all mad and attack him, but I know that won't accomplish anything. I have to handle him with kid gloves, in a non-accusatory sense, and make sure not of it shows MY upset. It's got to be from D9's perspective.
One thing in all of this I am glad about is she knows it isn't right. She is more hurt by the way he treats her grandmother than he treats her. She knows Grandma is a loving woman and doesn't deserve it. She knows she doesn't deserve it either. My fear is her thinking people actually deserve to be treated this way. And she knows it's wrong. Thank the Lord.
yesterday she was talking about how she had to get in the shower before cheerleading practice because Daddy will be mad because it will be late when they get home. I said it makes no sense now, you will shower at your dad's. I said daddy can get mad at me for it if he insists on getting mad. She was shocked I was ok with that. I told her I am not scared of her father, so don't worry about it.
I hope D9 have the relationship you and D22 have when she grows up. I'm just going to keep on nurturing it.
Love you too, bets! By the way, I have a fantastic idea for a meetup one of these days, I have someone I want to bring along:)
Georgia- thank you! I am so happy that you have found someone who embraces your life and your sitch. You make such a good point. Everyother weekend isn't necessarily free just because you don't have the kids. And I'm so impressed by how you do it with 3 kids.
So, I emailed that guy about setting something up for next Wednesday. he told me "he can't make plans that far in advanced" (a week?) and asked if I had anything free this week. I got honest and explained my custody schedule and I told him that my childless time is planned out in advanced. I don't have parents I can drop her at, and spontaneous doesn't happen without child. I told him this reality of my life and I am understanding if tat doesn't work for him.
So, it isn't going to work out, I'm sure.
But, hey, I tried.
This may very well be my reality and I am accepting I am to be romantically alone for now. I cannot give what I need to give to a new R.
....oh, and I recently had an encounter with a possible suitor that I think may have been a higher powers way of saying "stay single for now, Ginger, stay single!"
Haha..... The line about not being able to plan a week in advance? Dump that guy ASAP.
Classic Love Avoidant behavior. I had a Love Avoidant friend who explained it to me once. He said if he made a date on Monday for a Friday night, it " hung over him like a dentist appointment"! That was too much commitment for him lol!
I dated one of these guys, don't do it, it'll drive you crazy.
Haha..... The line about not being able to plan a week in advance? Dump that guy ASAP.
Classic Love Avoidant behavior. I had a Love Avoidant friend who explained it to me once. He said if he made a date on Monday for a Friday night, it " hung over him like a dentist appointment"! That was too much commitment for him lol!
I dated one of these guys, don't do it, it'll drive you crazy.
It sent immediate red flags up!
I understand if you can't make plans a month in advanced, but a week????
that was exNG's MO too, even with his friends. "I don't make plans....." he was kind of forced due to my over 2 hour drive up and me staying the whole weekend.
I think I am worthy of making a plan to see me and sticking to it and not waiting to see if something better comes up.
Any man worth a spit can make plans in advance, and actually enjoy the anticipation.
Men with FOO, addiction, or ADHD issues often want to live spur of the moment. And they will treat you like junk (polite word).
Shame does a lot to a man. He craves respect, but he can't respect himself. It's a negative feedback loop.
Ginger, with my recent D, I've tried the online dating thing, but honestly, it's lots of work, and I seem to attract very few fish worth talking to. Those I've really taken a liking to are hours away, and with a split custody schedule, and a limitation of 25 miles between me and ex, it's going to be difficult to move anywhere until the youngest is in college - umm, that's 11 years.
Am I doomed to be single until then? Who knows. I do know that I must prepare for it. Ginger, Georgiabelle, Underdog, How long did it take you to fully heal and be ready to move forward?
Hey trumpet, you are so very right. I tend to attract men with such issues, especially committal issues. I want respect of my time, which is so rarely free, not to be an option if nothing better comes along.
I can't even tell you when I fully healed and moved forward. It was such a step by step process. Letting go of how I thought it should be and the future I lost was when my real healing began.
I spent quite a few years alone and enjoyed it. I dated when I probably shouldn't have. I had a friend with benefits for a few years. I loved one man since, and still am not quite over him. he was LD about 2 and half hours away. I was prepared to move my life up there and make lots of sacrifices. (my ex has a every other weekend and one night a week, but would rather not have his one night a week) I would drive my daughter home to him every other weekend. But this guy could not show me he was willing to do nearly half as much as I was willing to do for him. he wanted me to move close, but not in. He had no clue what he wanted, except for easy.
So, here I am, prepared to be single for a long, long time. I cry over it, honestly, it makes me sad. But I am prepared, I know I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. I have never truly had a "partner" in life, with my ex, or post D. I am 8 yeas post S.
Give it some time, Trumpet, you are new to this. This is a process and the healing really does take time and lots of steps and pieces.
Ginger,
Have you ever read any Abraham Hicks? They are a husband and wife duo who specialize in the law of attraction. They help us get to our higher selves to attract what we want the most. I've got a few of their books and find them uplifting.
Trumpet - gosh, I can see your angst and despair, and boy, it resonates with me. You're not doomed to be single until your youngest is off to college... unless you want to remain that way. The 25 miles is a toughie, for sure. I thought 16 was hard, but Ginger has a longer distance. And we're the mommies, so it's a bit different.
My D22 was almost 8 when her dad left. And I remember thinking stuff like you shared back then. My now D19 is intellectually disabled, and I worried about being her sole caregiver then. I had some friends with special needs kids telling me that no man would want my package. It was depressing, but I saw proof that it wasn't the case.
I'm wondering if you are lumping dating with moving forward? You can move forward and create a life for yourself without having a significant other present. In fact, it would be my one piece of advice to you. Healing is a gradual process and very individual. It's also circular. It's been a long time for me, yet every now and then, I find myself in a situation that has me feeling like I did when I was in the throes of dealing with the breakdown of my marriage. It had lasting scars. But it also enabled me to become a much nicer and emotionally healthy person too. The double edged sword. I became infinitely more grateful, and I work hard at communicating with people - personally and professionally. I'm not sure I'd have put in the effort if I hadn't have found myself eating a sh!t sandwich.
Time does help. I know you see that as a cliche, but it's true. But you *can* prepare for it. You can do the post mortem on your R with your XW and evaluate what was in your control and what wasn't. You can work on developing a super close R with your kids, and you can be present for them.
Become the man that you know is the most attractive version of you? Those fish will appear when you've accomplished most of that. After all, we're all works in progress. Me included.
College will be here before you know it. The past 4 years have flown by quicker than I imagined. It blows me away. But it doesn't mean you have to sit on your butt and use your red marker to cross days off the calendar. You have 100% of your life, Trumpet. Make the absolute most of it.
BTW, have you read any John Eldredge? Wild at Heart might be a good place for you to start with respect to the shame/respect thing. It leveled me, and I'm not even a guy.
Take care, and Ginger, sorry for the digression.
Hugs,
Betsey
Betsey,
You're a sweetie - thank you for all the advice. Very well said!
I've been in counseling for over a year, and posted often in the newcomers. I'll probably post over here in Surviving the big D soon.
I have gone on a couple meet-ups with women, but both had huge D scars and seemed to just want to say hello to a guy - no real deep relationship. I wasn't attracted to either. Met a Christian girl in MN about a month ago, super attracted to her and her personality/faith, and we took off. Hours on the phone, but the big issue was her need for tremendous family/friends time - never married - and the distance. She was willing to think about moving when we started talking, but by the end she realized moving would be giving up all her relationships she leans on. She's never had a deep relationship with a guy at 33, so it seems like she has commitment issues. It's a shame.
Having that little flame start for someone new, and then flicker out, did hurt - more than I thought it would. It told me I'm still healing, and probably not ready yet. Better to have that happen then to be diving head-first into the deep end, only to realize it was the kiddy pool!
I got back on my exercise routine in the last 2 weeks. The divorce diet and exercise got me 30 lbs lighter - gotta lose another 30. Without a woman, I think it's very doable in the next 3-4 months. Time to invest in myself vs. someone new.
Trumpet,
Betsey is great, isn't she? She really knows how to frames things. And bets, I have watched the Secret. I've tried some law of attraction stuff, but sometimes I think my brain is too tired, lol. I will definitely check out the books.
Ok, so trumpet, I owe an apology of sorts. I am not as miserable as I seem. Post D, I've been living a happy life. Challenging? Yes, but happy. I really refocused on me, took up my hobbies (fell in love with kickboxing) exericese is what keeps me sane, and I'[ve been out of commission for 2 weeks due to foot surgery, so it affects my mood. My friend are amazing, we do lots of fun stuff together, I've been on a few nice vacations, I'm back in school getting my RN-BSN. I have a very active social life when my schedule allows.
You are not doomed to wait until your youngest is in college. I have dated, not much, but I have. My last guy was a great person, but going trough a MLC (I need to stop dating older men, lol).
I am a rarity. Yes, 8 years post S/D, and nothing crazy serious. But most people from the boards have found great partners and are remarried. For whatever reason, I am not, and I am not a standard, I am the minority, and most go on to have fulfilling partnerships.
In the meantime, keep doing you, and I am sure it will come when it's meant to. Enjoy all life has to offer, take up new hobbies, keep up the working out, have a blast will all your kids.
Let life happen is what they say.
I think you're great too.
The Secret is okay. It gives the basic concept, but it's kind of kitschy and not helpful when it comes down to doing the work. I was one of the few people who wasn't completely wowed by it or the movie - it just seemed to throw the idea around as though it were easy to manifest stuff. Maybe I'm dumb or a slow learner, but manifesting doesn't come easy to me. Sure, I can tape a picture of a check above my bed that says $1M payable to me, but there's a whole lot of work to do behind it.
That's where I found AH to be infinitely more helpful. They actually teach you to retrain your thoughts and hopes. I guess it's clear to see that I haven't managed to manifest my dream love now, huh? LOL. I'm more manifesting a lifestyle of peace and health. I figure if I get the long term balance I desperately am working to have, that can come later...
I'm interested in hearing your plan for a visit west.
My folks were supposed to be here this weekend on their way home from visiting my aunt in Seattle (who was 104!), but she passed away 2 weeks ago so they cancelled their trip. I'm up for smiling faces in my abode!
Have a fun weekend with your chica! What's on tap?
Bets
Ginger,
I don't think you are a rarity at all. I know many people who haven't had serious relationships in over 10 years...for a variety of reasons. And that's totally okay. I really do believe people come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes the reasons aren't big, however, it can help us gain some greater perspective about ourselves. That sounds sorta hokey, however, at this juncture, self awareness is a fantabulous thing. Your life sounds full and you are aware of things that have been issues in the past. You can stick the landing-hurt foot and all:)And the dude that couldn't commit a week in advance? Yeah, nothing missed on that one.
Trumpet-everyone here has so much wisdom. I learn some much from some other posters. I think Ginger and Betsy (who is fabulous and oh so wise) hit the nail on the head with some equating dating as to moving forward. If I'm being 100% candid, I don't know that I will ever be totally "over" getting divorced. That doesn't mean my life isn't wonderful or that I can't have a great R. Just means getting a d really stung on levels I had never considered before. My parents were married for 51 years and ex Mr. GB's parents have been married 49. I don't know. That makes me sad that mine didn't go the distance. I can move on, however, I hate that my kids hurt and have had to hurt. I can only do the best I can.
I went on a date with a guy I salivated over about a month after my divorce was final. He is 10 years younger and wanted to get married and have kids. That ship sailed. I have an armada at this point. So, he turned into a FWB, something I had never done before. And while that isn't my typical path, it truly gave me some introspection in other ways for 2 years. You aren't a failure because you aren't dating/married/or engaged. I admit that I struggled oh so mightly like I do with the zipper on my super skinny jeans with the fact that ex Mr GB moved on so quickly. He was buying new furniture! Living with Mustache! Talking marriage!! Did what we have never happened???
And I finally realized, he didn't necessarily move on, rather he just moved in a different direction. One with more freedoms and an attempt to redo the past. And you know what? That's totally okay and his choice. I hope I am moving in the *best* direction for me an my people. Hang in their and know you can and will love again. Did I hijack??? Sorry. I do that.
Hugs to you all.
Ok,G, so as always I am torn between two feelings when posting to you. There's the Brooklyn I just wanna kick his a$s feeling because I know you and your daughter and love you. And while that would give me some satisfaction to use my boots or my bat and maybe give you some, too, it doesnt help your daughter in the long run.
So, I want to try to be of some help...I agree that you need to speak to him when you arent angry. I agree that in order to have the possibility of him hearing you at all, you need to choose words wisely. But, I also think that people like him need really plain language with it spelled out clearly with words his freakin brain can understand (sorry, there's that Brooklyn again).
Now maybe there isnt anything that will get through to him. But I am thinking that you need to try something different cuz it aint working and he is hurting that sweet little soul.
How about...."Listen, as$hole (Ok, maybe not that).."Little G is feeling badly about how you speak to her and to her grandmother. You are her father and she loves you. Is there a way that you can figure out how to avoid name calling when you get upset because this is really starting to cause her some anxiety? I would hope that isnt your intent. This is something that needs to be addressed."
God, that was hard to write...because you know what I really want to say.
As for the guy...ba bye.
G, I really feel that this isnt the right time for you to think about this. If it happens on its own, great. But for right now..you have too much on your plate.
Any man would be lucky to have you. Wait for the one who knows that. <3
Hi Ginger!
I love the advice here. I could camp out here all day.
Ugh. Hate that your ex is such a knuckle-head.
I really hope that you will be able to get theough to him the message that it's not ok to speak to your d8 and his mum like that. Really, how would he like it when he's old and then your d8 speaks like that to him? But of course I know your d8 won't do that.
I've been reading all your replies. I want to respond to it all soon. But I'm in pain and exhausted, so my thoughts aren't so clear.
Today would have been my 12th wedding anniversary. Which is so dumb, we were only married 4. But the fact we were only married 4 is what makes it so dumb.
I really did make the biggest mistake of my life 12 years ago. ( aside from getting my D out of the marriage). Otherwise, it was proof of how little strength and self worth I had then. I was so scared to be alone, that I'd never find anyone else and I deluded myself into thinking he would eventually love me enough to be a loving husband. Sadly enough that day and these 4 years really affected the rest of my life.
I know I can't dwell in the past, I can't change it. But I get sad at our anniversary not for a lost love. But for how much I disrespected myself by marrying him. I wish I could say at one time we had a good R and he really had love for me. But I can't. I don't even take his lack of love and respect for me personally. It's how he is with human beings.
I miss my exNG every day. I do, it's the truth. I have tons of love in my heart for him that refuses to go away. His soul is actually beautiful. But I refuse to ever decrease my self worth hoping someone will love me the way I love them ever ever again. Honestly, walking away from him was the strongest hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I had about a million chances to be that strong with my ex. I didn't take a single one of them.
Well, 12 years older today and a little. It stronger
Do you really like love him (exNG) or love what you hoped you had and he was or would be? Something tells me you loved the thought of finally having what you've always wanted. If he was that great you would still be with him. You walked away and had the strength to walk away because you know you deserved more and he could never provide it. If he really was worthy of the love you have he would have held up his part in it. It's the thought and hopes for what you wanted not what was. I think as soon as you see that you'll be able to let go of it.
And you know how I've said you and I are so much alike, I can tell you that bar far, with ought a doubt, my biggest life mistake was getting married to my first wife. By far, the dumbest thing I ever did. When she told me she was leaving I never cried once - not once. How could I have been so stupid. Dumbest move of my life. And I'm a very smart guy - at least much of the time. It happens to the best of us.
Hey G, there's nothing wrong with missing someone or something special...it's when it blocks you from moving on then it becomes an issue. I certainly don't get that feeling from you. I think once you love someone a part of you will always love that person...maybe not in the same way or in the same intensity but there's nothing wrong with love
Girl, if exNG was all that, he would have fought to be in your life.
I'm not invalidating your feelings..... The loss is real. But what you thought he was is NOT real.....so in that way, you're still ignoring red flags and seeing what you want to see, just like you did with your exH.
Now I don't doubt that NG was a significant upgrade from your exH.....almost anybody would be! But when you say he had a "beautiful soul"...... Well, beauty is as beauty does and the rest of us here are just seeing s guy who wasn't worthy of you, who wasn't willing to put out the effort you DESERVE, and who moved right on to someone more convenient and superficial.
You need to expect MORE. My guy took a 2-3 hour train ride every weekend for a year to see me. Then he moved a mile away. He gave up his whole day yesterday to help me move one of my sons 3 hours away for college. This is the fifth time in 2 1/2 years we have moved this kid and he never complains. He's honored to be a part of the family.
He has taken my mom to the ER, does fixit chores for her, etc etc. THIS is the kind of guy you want in your life; not the elusive charmer who seems great so long as he doesn't have to do any of the heavy lifting in the relationship.
You will find the right guy, but you need to examine why you are still recreating abandonment in your life. We keep reliving those childhood issues until we gain consciousness about what we are doing.
Wow, kml...amazing post.
G, my friend, I so wish you would see what those who know you see. I dont think you truly realize just who you are.
Because I know you personally, I sometimes find it hard to reconcile my feelings. I am angry at what NG did. But I want to find a way to not allow that to hinder what I want you to know.
There is a reason that our little group is what it is. Because when you think about it, we are all very different. What binds us, I think, isnt only what we have been through, but, also who we became as a result.
What we see in you is strength and courage and conviction. We see your willingness to look at the tough stuff inside even when it isnt pretty. We see your love for your daughter and your joyfulness.
I see that you dont always believe in you. Now I dont always believe in me either. Trust me on that. But what I do believe is that I deserve to be treated in a way that is respectful and honest. I deserve to have someone who knows what he has cuz I am pretty cool.
I know you miss what you thought you had. I am sure there were some very sweet things about him. But the truth is, you deserve better. You just do. And if he didnt see that you did, that's on him. If he chose selfishness and self-centeredness...thats on him, too. Doesnt make him a bad person, just makes him unworthy of you.
I have no doubt that you loved him. We cant help who we love. But you must always love you more. I know that is a hard concept for you. It is for me at times. But there is a real truth in it. If we dont love ourselves then we cant truly love another.
It's still stings what he did....because of who you are and because you let him in. You know I know what that really means. We dont do that lightly. Thats for sure. Sometimes, though, we allow someone in who doesnt deserve that gift.
I agree with KML...you need to expect more. You need to know, without a doubt, that you are deserving of being treated with respect and love. And that anyone who falls short in that way, doesnt get you. Because you are the prize, G.
I have finally finished my paper and I can respond to the great perspective given by all of you. I'm less exhausted and clearer headed.
Don, I do really love and miss him. I have mulled over your questions many times, and with my IC. My love was real and while what we had while together was great, it wasn't what relationships are made of. Which brings me to what KML, UR, and WII said. I do believe if we truly love someone, we always hold a place of love in our heart for them. I let him go because I love myself. I didn't settle because I am worthy of what really want and what I really deserve. ANd he is not, cannot, and will not give that to me, and in acceptance of that, I will not hold my life back, or lessen my worth.
I will spend the rest of my life alone before I let that happen again. I want what you have Ellie. I never had it, not even with my ex. My ex left my mothers wake early because he was "having friends over" instead of staying my side the whole time. He belonged at my side every minute. I needed him there and he put himself first. I believed back then maybe I wasn't worthy. I made excuses for him. With exNG, I needed him to show me he I meant as much a his words through actions. I needed someone who wanted to be there for me and put forth an effort. because I was deserving. he went completely dark on me once when he kicked his adult kids out. I had no clue what happened, he just stopped talking to me and responding to me. He felt so depressed that I couldn't be there for him when he needed me. But little did he know, if I knew what happened, I would have hopped in the car and called out of work to be there for him. That never occurred to him I guess because it wasn't something he would have been willing to do for me.
I did not let him take take take without giving. He took the easy way out, to the easy, convienient woman, and that's on him. Absolutely. And that is so his loss. I finally understand my worth. I really do like me as I am. I don't feel I need to make anything better about me to win his love. I had a guy once say he didn't want an R with me because something wasn't "perfect". Yet this one said everything was perfect about me for him, except my distance. Can't win, hahahaha!
Iam seeing him in 2 weeks for the first time since we broke up. I am having dreading the unexpected emotions I guess. Will I feel something strong again? Will he? What if I do and he doesn't? None of that should matter, but the unknown scares me a little.
You know what was sad? I was sad when my feelings were gone for my exH. When I could 100% say I feel nothing for him anymore. For some, it gives relief. For me, it was sad I could feel nothing for someone I felt so intimately for and let in to my world, just like you described, UR. I think I may actually be scared to feel the distance to someone I felt so close and connected too.
And to speak to not dating right now, UR, UR right! This guy reached out yesterday and said he really appreciated my honesty and wants to work something out to see me. I don't even think it's such a good idea anymore. For 9 years I have had too much on my plate and no guy I have dated has tried to lessen that for me or work with me. That special guy will have to recognize that and want to give and understand. It's no one elses job to lessen my repsonsibilites or burdens, but someone who understands them and does what they can to make it so that they aren't so heavy so we can be together will be the guy for me.
I have not really had any contact with ex. We haven't had a reason to. Gabby facetimed him when she wanted today and we have nothing to communicate about which is why I am just enjoying the silence. I don't feel like dealing with the whole situation, which makes me feel like a bad mom, but I do have to do it for her. I will do it when I feel I have the energy to approach him the way I need to approach him, and it's exactly like you said UR. Otherwise, D is happy and doing well, we had a nice weekend, just the two of us all weekend long. It may have been physically exhausting and painful, but it was worth it. She had expressed missing exNG the other night out of nowhere. But the two of us have such a unique bond by being alone together all of these years, I don't know that I would have had it any other way. She now sees the addition of anyone else in our lives as enhancement, and certainly not a necessity. I think that means a lot and is healthy for the both of us.
Huge week coming up with a bunch of appts, cheerleading, and school. Not much time for anything else. But a going away dinner for my friend on Saturday.
I just keep telling myself I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.
Love you all.
Oh, and your responses really helped me feel less longing for ex NG. which I needed, because I know we can't and shouldn't be.
I am seeing him in 2 weeks for the first time since we broke up. I am having dreading the unexpected emotions I guess. Will I feel something strong again? Will he? What if I do and he doesn't? None of that should matter, but the unknown scares me a little.
You will have friends there to support you.
Never fear!
Those EXPECTATIONS really do stink.
Maybe he will not even show up.
You never know!
I am seeing him in 2 weeks for the first time since we broke up. I am having dreading the unexpected emotions I guess. Will I feel something strong again? Will he? What if I do and he doesn't? None of that should matter, but the unknown scares me a little.
You will have friends there to support you.
Never fear!
Those EXPECTATIONS really do stink.
Maybe he will not even show up.
You never know!
I am so lucky and happy to have friends there to support me;). it's the unexpected that is tough. I will be sad if he ignores me and doesn't say hi. I'll be disappointed. But the good thing is, I'm usually pretty good at keeping those emotions inside and letting the good emotions take the front seat!!
I do hope he goes and doesn't back out. Not for me, but for the friends who it would hurt if he didn't show. he's been pretty neglectful of them since his new GF came into his life.
So, I am taking a needed break from these boards again. I have been so thankful of the advice and encouragement. I love it and it keeps me with a level head. I just find myself wandering over to the other parts of these boards getting really frustrated, and sometimes just sad at what I see. I need to back away from it. Real life separations are happening to people who mean the world to me, and I need to focus there for a little while without clouding that with things that go on here.
I think I should probably also get some work done.
I love you all, and I will see you all again soon, some in 2 weeks!
Hey G, what I've learned is that it's a very short and convenient distance from "giver" to "victim". Let's face it, us nice people get all sorts of sympathy and support from others when we get dumped/taken advantage of/or just get nothing back. People say what great people we are, he/she could never have someone better than us and they hope the swine burns in eternal hell (not that I believe in eternal hell but...). We're the victims, poor us...we always get burned boo hoo. But we put ourselves in that position and, in my case, I think it's because I don't believe someone could actually love me for being me...they'll love me for what I do (which is not really love but who cares, right!). In your case, I don't know what it is...kml mentioned abandonment issues and that could be it... who knows? I find, not just in my own case, that most people just keep dating the same person over and over and then wake up going "how did that happen again?" We make happen what we're comfortable with and what we know...and the strange thing about human beings is, it doesn't have to be good! You find guys who don't give back. Great topic for your sessions with the IC. On the plus side, you recognized that this sitch was not healthy and you got out (as did I). Big kudos for that. We can type "you are worthy" till our fingers are numb but if you don't believe it then it makes no dif. So, that's my send off for your vacation away from the boards...and you are worthy
Good luck Ginger and let us know how you are doing at some point.
And I agree - always remember - just as I am, right here and right now - I am enough and I am worthy of love and connection.
Xx
Ginger,
Sometimes we need to take a break from the forum just to relax and put our focus elsewhere for a bit.
I do hope that things work out when you meet up in the next couple of weeks. Keep those expectations at zero and always remember...you are the prize. You deserve to be treated w/respect and loved for the person you are. You do not need to pretzel yourself for anyone. You are beautiful, intelligent, kind, loving and the most giving person.
Be mindful of your foot and don't over do it. Please take care of yourself and your little one. We will be here to support you any way that we can, if and when, you return.
Take care.
Ginger,
I understand the need to step away from here as I have done so in my own way.
I have not read up on your sitch fully as of yet, nor posted much to you directly, but I wanted to swing by and tell you that when I read what you share with whomever it is you are sharing, I find you to be very intelligent, caring and on the right path.
I just read an exchange between you and another and am a little pissed at the disrespect sent your way.
But to that I say pay it no mind as you are spot on, both factual and IMO. No point in debates on the internet as no one really benefits.
So to this I say hold your head high, maintain that powerful, beautiful, womanly confidence and know that I have much respect for you in what I have learned of you and from you.
I am sad to say, but we will be closer neighbors soon as my d is speeding to its conclusion. But I am happy to see such great folks such as yourself over here in this hood and I hope to have the pleasure of getting to know you better via this virtual world that has brought us together under circumstances most of us would wish otherwise.
Be well Ginger. You are good people.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. Without these boards, my life would have taken such a different path post D. They were and are such a blessing. I basically grew up on here as a scared young divorced mom who wanted to choke her husband and save her M at the same time. My D also grew up on here! I've gained the most amazing friends, and ones who will be my IRL friends forever too. And will certainly be invited to my next wedding if that ever happens!
Having IRL friends from these boards reminds me, even if I never met them, everyone on here is more than just words on a message board. You are all pretty special people.
SH, I don't really know your sitch, but I have followed your posts to others which is so thoughtful and wise. I am sorry you are headed down the D path. I've been S/D for over 8 years and on these boards just as long, and I can tell you, while the reason we are here stinks, there really is so much on the other side. I really appreciate you coming to post over here showing me your support. I come back to help, but not everyone can be helped, I need to remember that sometimes. My profession has shown that to me in the past, likewise, but we still try, right?
You'll see me again soon, I'm sure. But I just need to just switch my focus for a bit.
Take care, my friends
hey Ginger, i understand the needing to get away from time to time.
i know the board will miss you, but it is worth it if you can get some peace of mind and clarity back in your soul!!!
Ginger,
I want to apologize for the comments that the poster posted to you. They were uncalled for. Please do not allow his comments to bother you.
I'm going to miss you, but I know you will return when you are ready.
SH...
Just want to say that I think you are a class act...
Job..
Thank you for your words yesterday, much appreciated.
And G ???
You know the "boss" is watching you....
: )
Job, thank you, but you don't have to apologize for his poor behavior. I know you mean you are are sorry if it hurt me and I appreciate that.
I think I know first hand that the people behind the keyboard are real people. Their spouses and kids are real people. I rarely ever get offended any more these days, and he is offensive. When I tried to help, honestly, all I could think about is his poor wife and kids. I had hoped he wouldn't dismiss every word of what I had to say (which was clearly done because I am a woman, from a broken home, who didn't save her M) for the sake of his wife and kids. Took it way too personally. Thank God there are people like you with the patience of Saints:)
SH...
Just want to say that I think you are a class act...
Job..
Thank you for your words yesterday, much appreciated.
And G ???
You know the "boss" is watching you....
: )
Couldn't agree more.
G,
Wanted to swing by to say "hey!"....don't let some newbie knucklehead knock you off your game. You are spectacular as you are now. Don't ever forget that, honey.
SH...
Just want to say that I think you are a class act...
Thank you Mach1.
G,
Wanted to swing by to say "hey!"....don't let some newbie knucklehead knock you off your game. You are spectacular as you are now. Don't ever forget that, honey.
Very well said Wonka. The use of the term "knucklehead" is much more PC than the term I simply had to refrain from writing due to the censors.
Ginger, it's the fixer or helper inside you and me that drives us to try and help where we are resisted the most.
Not a bad trait IMO, but it does wear one out at a point.
There are many more here that will benefit from your wisdom, experiences and kind heart. You will draw energy from them when you are return.
I am doing a real crappy job of leaving, aren't I?
He is not the sole reason I am taking a leave of absence. I wish I could see him as just a poster. But I can't stop envisioning his ex wife and his kids. They are real.
Too close to home.
SH- you nailed it, I am a fixer by nature. And I reach to fix the difficult to fix. hence the people I have dated and married. lol. It's not that I ever want to change someone, but if I could help, I want to help.
I think for just a little while, I want to step away from being divorced single mom Ginger. It is a big part of who I am, but when it becomes my only identity, I know I need to step back.
I need to be just Ginger for a little while (with the mom part, that's my favorite part of my being).
And I big step I really want to take in that direction is I want to buy my own home. I admitted to my IC last night, that aside from my not so stellar credit, which is finally improving and lack of down payment, I have not considered buying a home, because I was pretty convinced I would meet someone and build a life with them in a house together. Well, it didn't happen. I throw away a massive amount of money a month in rent. It is extremely important to me and my daughter to have security, because I don't want her hopping school systems God forbid I don't have a place in our town to rent. I live in this rental, but it doesn't feel like home. Home is what you make it, I know, but it just feel like mine. It feels so temporary.
So, I'm going to ask my dad for help on a downpayment. We had talked about it once before. I am not good at asking for anything, let alone something this big.
I think I need to really do this to let go of that tiny little part that keeps holding on for a future I envisioned that isn't my reality. I've got make my reality. My own home is a dream and I want to make it happen.
Ginger,
Just wanted to say hi and to tell you that the advice you gave on the MLC forum was honest and forthcoming. Sometimes we get newbies that just can't see two steps in front of them and they kick and scream for a long time and then one day, they realize that they truly need people like us to listen and help them.
Keep up the good work and we all know that your thoughts, advice and pearls of wisdom come from the heart.
If you are thinking about purchasing a home, look into the HARP program. I know of several people who didn't have down payments and found homes that are within reason when it comes to mortgage payments. Now is the time to look into this program.
Please take care of yourself!
G,
You may qualify for a HUD loan as well.....check it out as well.
And I big step I really want to take in that direction is I want to buy my own home. I admitted to my IC last night, that aside from my not so stellar credit, which is finally improving and lack of down payment, I have not considered buying a home, because I was pretty convinced I would meet someone and build a life with them in a house together.
So you mean as soon as you buy a house you will meet someone!
Who knew it was that easy?
Love ya girl!
G they are selling tons of homes in my development. Some homes bigger than mine and for about 235k. You will just need to like country music and pineys lol
Yea....you succk at leaving...
Ginger you know your dad would be THRILLED to be able to help you with a down payment! And then you could get a dog!
I may succk at R and meeting people, and BTW why is that word banned? That makes no sense. Anyhow, may succk at those things but totally excel at financial planning, and buying your own home is the best thing you can possibly do - even if it's just for a few years. It makes total financial sense, loan rates are still low, housing is still reasonable although certainly off the lows. Rarely is it a mistake to do this. Even if you do or when you do get married again, you can sell and more likely than not come out financially ahead. It's a great idea. Keep pursuing it!
Hey Ginger, how are you holding up regarding your foot and the BBQ this weekend? Just thinking about you.
Hey Ginger, how are you holding up regarding your foot and the BBQ this weekend? Just thinking about you.
I'm ready to have a good time this weekend. I am also bringing a friend. May not see him, the unknown throws me off a bit, but I'll have a great time.
My foot hurts. I'm hoping it starts to feel better soon. I miss my cardio horribly. (I know, I'm crazy for missing cardio). But I'm following doctors orders. I do some weights and crunches and stuff at home.
Can't wait to see you!
And thank you all for your advice. I really did take a hiatus, but I just wanted to check in. I plan on trying to take some more time away from the boards, just going to check in time to time and help where I can. I've been cutting back on social media too. It is a great way to stay connected, but sometimes, I don't want to see so much into other people's lives. I find myself comparing mine to others and viewing some social media posts as a "standard" of where I am compared others, and that isn't healthy. So, in my school break, I am busy with work, cheerleading, friends, and I've readdicted myself to Sudoku(don't laugh, it keeps my mind focused elsewhere) and reading for pleasure. I'm hoping my foot gets better soon so I can take some nice fall hikes, because I really do love the fall.
I do owe money to the IRS which stinks, and I finally did speak to my dad about buying a place. He says he's been wanting me to for a while, but he knew my credit score wasn't so hot. It's getting better though. They can't help me, help me, as in give me money, but they can borrow against what they have and I can pay back monthly. So we will see. But they are both excited to help.
It's exciting for me. I used to get sad about it, like I was signing myself up to be alone for the rest of my life. But really, it's just taking a step into my full independence. It's letting go of the last thing I'm holding onto and doing what is best for me and the kid. I have been seeing more and more how much I am her rock. I'm probably the one she fully trusts.
I'm not scared of being alone anymore. I've never feared it for not being able to care for myself, I have proven I can do that. I can be alone. Not anyone just anyone can give me what I am truly looking for. A true partner, and a best friend.
Ginger,
I do hope that you enjoy the weekend. I'm glad you are bringing a friend.
I'm sorry your foot hurts...but that foot is telling you that you are probably on it too much. Are you elevating it whenever you can? It's not ready for you to be walking on it for a long period of time....take it slow and it will heal up so much better.
I'm glad you are taking some time from the forum. It's time for you to take a much needed break and to focus on you and your daughter. It's time to focus on purchasing a home that you can call your own and yes, make it your forever home. I think it's wonderful that your dad is willing to help you out. Take your time in looking and make a list of questions to ask about the homes. I can't wait to come here and read that you found a home that you and your daughter like!
Enjoy your weekend!
It never fails, healthcare workers are the worst patients - therefore posters here have to suggest how this RN recovers post surgery.
Again our age groups are a bit apart but I can tell you I find it very attractive when a woman owns her own home. The last three I went out with are all home owners, one just had moved in actually. I don't at all take it as a sign they gave up, although they are all independent as hell. My point though is I think many guys will be impressed rather than put off.
Really hope you taking a break won't mean you don't update about you. Taking a break reading and helping others doesn't mean you have to stop helping you and posting. Please let us know how this weekend goes!
There are a variety of rent-vs-buy calculators available online, I suggest that you plug your numbers into some of them and see if it really makes sense for you to buy at this time. You live in a high cost of living area and it very well may not make sense for you right now.
I know the appeal of owning your own home is strong. And in the long run, having a paid-off home by retirement is a very nice thing. But owning a home comes with a lot of expenses (sometimes large, unexpected expenses) and frankly, you may not really be in a financial situation yet where it makes sense.
Do you have 20% to put down? (if not, you end up paying PMI, which is a useless additional expense, plus you have no cushion if you need to sell in a down market.) Will you, after buying, have a stash of cash so that you can pay for that unexpected $10-20,000 roof or sewer line or other major repair? (A pinhole bathroom pipe leak in my mother's house ended up costing almost $25,000 in mold remediation, sewer line repair and bathroom remodel. 1952 house.) Will your monthly payment, including taxes and insurance and monthly savings for ongoing repairs, be less than rent? Would you offset some of the expense by renting out a room? Could you afford to buy a duplex or a house with a granny unit to rent out, to make the numbers more favorable? Are you handy at minor repairs?
If you DO buy, the best deal is to buy a "cosmetic fixer" - one that is structurally sound (electrical, plumbing, termites etc.) but just has ugly paint and flooring etc. If you are willing to do the work yourself and have good design sense, you can make some sweat equity quickly by fixing it up. (I have done painting, tile flooring and back-splashes, stripped ugly wallpaper, scraped old linoleum off of wooden floors on my hands and knees so they could be professionally refinished at a fraction of the cost of installing new wood floors etc.) It takes a lot of time and effort but can be quite financially rewarding in the end if you get a good deal on the purchase price.
Nonetheless - don't jump into it just because you think it's the adult thing to do or because you have "land lust". I have a lovely home that is only 20 years old but there are always nagging repair items that come up (right now, a malfunctioning hose bib in the back yard that the plumber needs to come fix, and a leaky window in one bedroom). I still sometimes long for the days when you would just call the landlord and let them know something needed repairing.
Thanks! I am really excited about the prospect, and I hope I get to report the news soon.... But it may be within a years time. I'll come back to update every once in a while, and will update on the weekend.
I do know that even though actual single family homes are cheaper, I am looking at a condo. Ellie, you are absolutely right, I can't pay for a huge repair, nor can I maintain grounds of a house. So I will happily pay my association fee and let them take care of my business. I know I will need cash on hand for certain things, but major repairs are done by the condo association. I do live in a very pricey area, but it is more expensive for me to rent. I'm tossing money out the window with no tax deduction. If I was paying under a grand a month, it's a better idea to rent. But to ensure that I have a steady residence, buying is my best option. I do not live in a "rental" town and I do not want to hop around anymore. If this place goes up anymore in rent, I'll be broke. I currently pay for all utilities except water. No land lust here..... just looking for a modest 2 bedroom to accommodate us with a bigger kitchen (currently, we cannot fit in our kitchen at the same time without bumping). The condo community I am looking at is very nice, with a pool and playground. The overall square footage will be an actual downsize. I have a 3 bedroom 2 bath now with a garage..... but something in more of a community setting of our own would be great for us.
I have been researching the investment, and it is a good one. I know I cannot exceed my total payment from what I pay in rent now, but it should be the same!
Maybe it'll workout, maybe it won't
Things to be aware of with a condo - if there are a lot of rentals in the development, lenders won't lend, so be sure to check that out. (I'm not sure what the tipping point is, but I'm sure you can google it.) It can be very difficult to sell a condo that new buyers can't get a loan for. Also you want to get a look at the books of the homeowners association to make sure they have adequate reserves for major repairs (some older condo developments may not have sufficient funds set aside for, perhaps, roof replacement etc and will then have to come to the homeowners for extra money).
The older the condo development, the greater the likelihood of these issues.
But overall, if the PITI plus homeowner's fees is less than rent, it may not be a bad idea. Just also bear in mind that condos do not appreciate as well as single family homes, so if you can get a good deal up front and earn some sweat equity, that can be a really good idea. (When my mom was divorced and had to sell our family home, her first purchase was an apartment-style condo. It was a minor cosmetic fixer - I put in a tile back splash behind the stove, and a small area of marble tile flooring at the entryway. We painted it and she put in new carpet. Just these simple changes greatly improved the value and appeal. Her second larger condo, I installed a similar tile entryway, and my brother put a new linoleum tile floor in the kitchen and bath and tiled the kitchen counter, along with painting. Again, low cost improvements that really paid off.
Ginger,
kml has given you some great advice. You might want to print off the suggestions and/or advice everyone has given you about house hunting.
P.S. It's time to start a new thread. Have a great weekend!
everyone did give me great advice, and I thank you all! I'll be looking into all those points, thank you so much ellie! And slowly making some cosmetic changes to increase value might equal some fun learning projects.
definitely going to print it all off, as always I appreciate the great advice and feedback!
New thread will be coming soon:)
You have a great weekend too, job!
(that was meant for here, I have no idea on how it got to my old thread. I'm still can't figure out this site after all these years!)
Ellie-Great points!
Since I recently moved from a single family house to a townhouse, this is still kind of stuck in my brain. I believe that the HOA has the ability to determine how many units (a percentage) that will allow for rentals. Our HOA is 30%. We may have to change that down the road if the renters don't start complying with basic rules.
I mentioned on RL's thread that my complex was built by a Russian Mafia ponzi scheme. I kid you not. They planned on selling them as luxury units, but they used standard builder grade crap for the most part, and I swear the windows were bought off an "irregular" truck. The complex is beautiful. It's designed as a Tuscan villa feel. The stucco looks nice and the landscaping is beautiful.
Behind the facade is a very poorly constructed exterior - the ledges off one elevation type are not sloped, and the rain collected and ran down the interior walls. The HOA had originally been written as HOA pays for everything. Two years ago, they had it changed to walls in/homeowner & walls out/HOA. Then the HOA had to come up with $90K to fix those units. The HOA also owns the roads entering into the gate, and at some point we're going to have to do repairs. Then the last big thing is that a drunk rammed the security gate, and the unexpected repair came to $4K.
The HOA financials were not in good shape. But we now have a real estate agent on the board as well as another business owner (like myself), and we've had to be aggressive in trying to build the reserves. We had a dues hike in May and we're going to have to levy another one early next year. I can afford it, but everyone is afraid that it will push some to foreclosure. Since the units that go for sale are under contract in one day, I doubt it would come to that. But... our HOA dues are low compared to everything else out there, and someone once told me that they never go down. Face it, construction and labor costs just go up.
Ellie's right on the money with the sweat equity. I didn't do the sweating in my unit (I'm just too fricking old to do that anymore), but by having it done, my place appraised for $30K over what I paid for it less than 3 months later. Home Depot has some awesome classes if you're ever interested in going the DIY route.
Ellie, I do know that if our HOA has to make a significant repair (such as roof replacement and the like), we'll have to ask for a special assessment. It's definitely not the goal, but it is something that might have to happen if it does. And we've been told that that assessment will probably be $350/mo for 4-5 years. Ginger, just go in with your eyes wide open. Even new construction has its downfall. Colorado had to pass a lemon law of sorts that allowed them to sue builders when they refused to honor the warranty and what is deemed to be their fault (drainage, sewer, shortcuts on the environmental plans, etc). For 5 years, we had no new construction. Then the governor signed a modified version to the law this year to address our severe housing shortage. It helped, but it's not the be all/end all.
Most HOA's have a website and publish documents and meeting minutes. Make sure you get the past year before you do anything...
Oh - and never, EVER make an offer on a property that's not contingent on you approving a professional inspection's results. Get your own inspector (best few hundred bucks you'll ever spend). If you uncover problems, you can back out of the deal without losing any money, or get the seller to fix the items or reduce the price. If in the meantime you find a house you just like better, most of the time there will be SOMETHING negative on the report that you could use to get out of the contract.