Hi folks, I'm joining this part of the forum, having posted in infidelity and MLC previously. I know many of you already and look forward to comparing 'life after D' notes with you.
I'll provide a bit more of an intro soon, but in the meantime, here's a link to my last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2679963&#Post2679963
Hi Sotto - want to jump over here to say thank you for all the wisdom and kind support you have always given to me. Your posts have helped so very much.
I will be checking in on you here.
Just wishing you well on the next stage of your journey. It might not always feel like it but your an example to us all. Thank you for being Sotto
Take care. Rd. xxxx
Oh....visitors already! Why thank you HaWho and RD. I've appreciated the support and wisdom from both of you over the past period of time.
So, for those on this part of the forum - Me and XH met in 2003 and were M in 2009. No kids together (we were open to having kids, but I had an early menopause.)
Thought we were happy, but he became more distant - due to work I thought. January 2014 he decided to start asking women out whilst working away and soon became involved with AP. I found out and he dropped her - then started secretly seeing her again.
Main BD was he booked a flight to go see her and told me the night before. We S then - I left. I did the whole begging, pleading, rationalising thing - suggested MC etc. but he just wasn't interested.
I think there's an MLC element - lost a pile of weight, new clothes, young friends. Said he felt he was going under with depression - needed more sex, social stuff and running.
Things initially off and on with OW, but been on for about a year now. Her previous R was an A. Their M broke up then she cheated on him with XH - quality woman.
He says he hopes I'll see he's a genuine guy and he really knows what he wants now - a new family. Anyway, he filed for D and followed right through to the end. Not a bitter D. Quite amicable and I've been DBing throughout. Not actually seen XH for 18 months or spoken to him for a year.
All very sad, but I have GALed and built a new life I feel pretty pleased with. I always hoped we might be able to retrieve things. But when the D was final (only last week) it really seemed to flip a switch for me and is helping me move further forward. Who knows if I may plunge back, but for now I feel in a very positive place and happy to leave XH wallowing in his mud pool.
We just sold our marital home and I had an offer accepted on a house for me yesterday. I also have a growing friendship (nothing romantic) with a guy at work. Known him for years. He was also an LBS and he potentially seems interested in me. I still keep in touch with my stepson (and his Mum - she and I get along well - their M had ended over a year before H and I met.)
So, that's where I'm at - keen to keep growing and learning - and keen to be part of this bit of the forum where people are surviving and thriving after D.
Xx
Woo hoo for you, Sotto! Congrats on the house. That is awesome and exciting. I TOTALLY understand the sitch with your friend from work, as I am having a similar situation. Someone from my past back in my life, just friends, enjoying our time. I'm so pleased for you and wish you nothing but the best moving forward.
Sotto, welcome to the neighborhood.
So, I just got use to popping over to the MLC thread and now you've decamped to this one instead! Floosy!
Anyways, glad you're doing OK and you have some male interest. Go Sotto!
Sotto my love I had to track you down! COngrats on house ... keep circling iwth NG ... you are a goddess ... love you madly so proud of you and wishing you all good things xoxoxoxo
Ah, thank you all.
xx
Had a good few days - busy at work, couple of social things. Generally feeling steady and optimistic. Bit more challenging today. Buyers had their survey done and querying certification for some work we had done on the house. Not sure if we have what they want, and will have to look when I go up next week. It's an added stress to a trip I don't want to have to make anyway
I think the main thing is to try not to lose the buyer....we can afford to lose a little money if that's what it takes so be it.
XH generally being very pleasant and sending polite, good wishes etc. Apart from today - a bit harassed about the house sale stuff - made a barbed comment by email about not wanting me to send a pile of random info to the agent. Was very calm and replied I'll link with him to agree what we send to them - makes me realise I have come a long way - and also that I'll be glad when I don't need to liaise with him any longer.
Been in charge at the charity bookstore today - enjoyed it - and I'm off out for dinner with my divorce group.
Take care all xx
Sotto,
I hope that whatever the concerns the potential buyers have expressed can be cleared up rather quickly. Spending a little bit of money to get to the finish line of a sale is the focus of you and your xh. But, please do not allow the potential buyers to "con" you into a bunch of expensive work that isn't required. Of course, if this happens, you can always reduce the price of the home and they can fix whatever has popped up on their radar.
Enjoy your dinner this evening and I do hope you have a pleasant weekend.
Thanks Job, I emailed XH to suggest we get some advice from an independent surveyor - though he hasn't responded yet. Fair enough, it's a holiday weekend here. It is on my mind, has affected my sleep and I'll be glad when we resolve it.
On the plus side, the house I'm (hopefully!) buying costs much less than the one we're selling, so it wouldn't be a deal breaker if we do need to reduce the price. I find it hard going having to 'partner' with XH on this though. He flips between 'let them chase us' to 'we don't want to lose this buyer!' And I do feel I need to pretty much operated as 'the sane one' here.
Having a pleasant enough weekend - couple of nice social things - and I'm at the bookstore today - it's a festival day in our town, so should be busy. I'm anticipating a bit of a tough week as I'm going up to the house to clear the rest of my stuff out....not been for many months and not looking forward to it. Glad my chums are coming with me and know I just need to dig in and get it done.
I also decided that I'm only taking things I want in my life going forward to my new house. So, I've been working on clearing out the case from under the spare bed. Into this went things I didn't know what to do with - wedding dress, photos, cards etc. The dress is going to charity and I've recycled all the cards from XH, and most of the photos. I don't want to erase this part of my life, but just decided to keep a dozen or so of the best photos and that's what I've done.
So, that's where I'm at - okay, but will be glad to get through this rather tough phase and on to the more pleasant stuff of looking forward to being in my new home etc.
Take care all xx
Great weekend, Sotto! Sounds like you had a good one and I'm so tickled for you. Concerning your only moving things you want in your life moving forward, I kind of took that approach when I moved out of our marital home too. Some stuff I had to take because XH just left some stuff and at the time, I didn't have the heart to throw stuff away. Once I got into my new home, though, I really did a cleansing and it was so very cathartic. I threw away all the cards he'd given me, Christmas ornaments we'd bought together and had personalized and that sort of thing. I kept most of our wedding pictures and a few other things like that, but what little I did keep went into my cedar chest. Like you, I don't want to completely erase that part of my life, but I don't want it cluttering my "new" one either. I donated my wedding dress to a group who takes them and makes christening gowns for parents who can't afford them. I thought what a great way to give new life to something that was once a very happy memory for me.
Hang in there as you go through stuff. I know it is tough, but you will do fine. Sounds like things are going your way and I'm so happy for you.
Dawn my lovely, thanks for stopping by. It's a bit of a mixed time TBH - and a bit distracting with the various property things going on.
I have three things in tandem. Selling the marital home (and survey issues - which do seem resolvable after some surveyor advice - thank goodness). Buying a house - and stuff going on with survey etc for there. Plus my landlord now wants to list the flat, so we have two valuations and viewings starting soon too....
I think I'll feel better once my stuff is all out of the marital home tomorrow - the van is here and my various friends are all still up for it. Just need to get it done now. I've been away for a while and I'm not worried about the part where we are all there packing up - more those last few moments of leaving it you know? I already feel a bit tearful about that but I'll just try and stay upbeat and cry later if I need to when I'm home.
Wish me luck xx
Good luck Sotto. Often the thought is worse than the reality and you will have your crew with you. If your feeling down after , let your buddies on the internet know and we can share a nice red.
Great news on the marital home You deserve a break like that , really pleased for you
Tomorrow will be ok.
Take care Rd. xx
Good luck sweetie. It's hard, and IMO you can just let your heart feel what it wants. Cry a bit and then keep moving forward with the same grace as always.
You are an amazing person and I would love to be there and help with the move. It's hard work, but it is also nice to sit among friends and drink a nice cold beer once the job is done.
Life will be even better Sotto. Maybe happiness don't last forever, but for sure neither does the bad stuff in our lives. You learned, evolved and is prettier then ever. And we all love you lots.
Big hug to you beautiful,
Pink
(((Sotto)))
Packing belongings from the marital home svcks. And buying a new house is also another big headache.
Hi all, well gosh we made it. There were delays on the roads so it took us over 3 hours each way and we had 2 hours at the house - all a bit gruelling but all the stuff is in the flat now and the van is back. I'm so grateful to my 4 friends who travelled up/met us there to help. A few neighbours also popped in to say Hello and wish me well, which was kind.
I didn't feel particularly emotional at the house - I was in steely and business mode, and wasn't entertaining any sympathetic hugs at the front door - I just wanted to be done and off.
I did have a little cry when we got there - less about leaving the MH - more about being tired, the general emotion and thanking my friends. Anyway - it is done - and I hope I don't need to go up again - but there is rather a lot to do so I may need to offer help again, but at least I don't need a van for that.
Thanks all for your kind words of support - I needed them today!! Xx
Sotto,
I am so glad that this part of the "move/sale" of the home is complete. It's always a bit emotional when you return to the home and have to pack up belongings and move them. I'm sure are tired and it had to be a bit emotional w/your friends there helping you deal w/this today.
I hope you'll feel better tomorrow and I pray that things will go smoothly w/the house sale and yes, w/your purchase of a new home. You have so much to look forward to in the days ahead and it's all positive!
Take care.
Thanks Job, in truth the trip up to the marital home took a lot out of me and I have felt under the weather the past couple of days. At some point I'll contact XH and clarify how the rest of the house is going to get cleared. I hope not to have to go up again and I have removed a lot of stuff already. I'm hoping he'll step up to the plate but if not I'll need to make plans to get things sorted.
Interesting seeing our mutual friend this week. She is the only person in our break up that tried to tread the difficult line of remaining friends with both of us. She's done as well as she can I think and has struggled with it. If you recall, XH told her the R was over a while before he told me. He was telling me 'I'm confused and don't know what I want.' She ended up telling him he had to tell me or she would - ugh.
Anyway, she doesn't hear from XH at all and hasn't for months. From her tone, she's pretty hurt and knows he's been in the area without getting in touch. She now contacts my SS directly and makes plans to meet up with him. Next weekend, she and her S are getting together with SS and his Mum. It's funny that all of us know eachother through the common link of XH - but he has totally removed himself from the picture.
Been at the bookstore today and hoping for a quietish weekend to recover from a difficult week. Going to see a movie tomorrow night and will cook lunch for the parents on Sunday. No further news as yet on the survey of the MH - sounds as though the buyers want to get an expert in to look at some timber, so that's the next hurdle. They sound like rather particular buyers, which probably isn't great news for us!!
Have a good weekend all xx
Ugh, think I hurt my back moving stuff this week. Something went ping this morning as I was getting dressed and it's sore now. Plus I feel a bit plunged backwards by the visit to our marital home. It's a bit like revisiting the trauma.
I know it will pass and this is just a little tough phase, but I'm looking forward to that optimistic and calm feeling returning soon. I'll just work through it for now.
There are many good things in my life, but it just feels a bit unpleasant and complicated at the moment. I'd like for things to be settled and sorted.
I'll get there.....and thanks for reading xx
Sotto,
I'm sorry to read that your back is hurt. Take things slowly for a couple of days, i.e., no twisting or picking up heavy things. You probably pulled some muscles that stretched a bit too much in the process of packing, etc.
Give yourself some time. Returning to the marital home was a step back in time to the place where your journey began. It's understandable that it rocked you a bit...you'll work thru it and be back up and about again in a while.
Take care of yourself.
Hi Sotto. Take it easy for a few days and let ypur back rest
Your right about the feelings settling again and they will. In reading your sitch over the last while , it's clear the highs and lows are decreasing in size They are still happening but not the extremes that they where and this is a trend that will continue. It's still difficult to deal with but you can deal with it now
I'm aware that you know the following but I'm going to recap anyway ,
You've always acted from the best person you are
You've always acted with grace
You've always acted wth caring
Not many of us can come close to the above
You are a very good person
You are a very attractive person. Inside and out
You are a very sincere person
Again , these are things a lot of us should aspire too
You dealt with the D with class
You dealt with making a new life in a way that's an example to us all
You dealt with all the cr@p better than anyone I've followed on here
The above is an example to us all
Sotto is a classy lady and XH is a complete and utter fool who I have no doubt will rue his choices in time BUT his loss is our gain. For me personally you are a very good friend who I can rely on to be here for me when needed. I'm a picky person when it comes to my buddies and I'm proud to have you on that list
Today is another day closer to happiness for Sotto. The journey continues and thank you for being who you are
Huge hug and take care. Rd. xxxx
RD, you made me cry again...
Thanks for your very kind words and for looking in and posting on a bit of a low day...
I so appreciate it - and yes I'm sure the best is yet to come....I just have to get through this part first.
Hope you're having a lovely weekend xx
My darling dearest Sotto
No one could have done more. Time to cut yourself a break my sweet friend.
Extreme self care
Big hugs
V
Hi Sotto, {{{{hugs}}}}
Wish I'd popped over sooner to give you more hugs and attention. I think what you're feeling is perfectly understandable, given the circumstances.
Re: the particular buyers, they may just be first-timers who get their knickers into a twist about nothing. While stressful, i'm sure it will all work out just fine. Lie low, take some time to heal. Ouch on the back ! Rest as much as you can. This is just a painful speed bump on the road. You will get through this and will have great fun nesting in your new place. But first, must trudge through a little bit more muck. Sorry love, and much hugs xoxoxoxo
Thanks V and Bttrfly, I do feel much better now. I had a funky few days after going to the marital home - wasn't sleeping well, sore back, emotional. But now I feel back to my usual Bonnie self, which is good.
Been busy at work and managed to get to Salsa and yoga this week. Having lunch with a friend tomorrow/bookstore and also out with a friend Saturday evening. Things are moving along with the house and it may be the tenant leaves earlier in which case I could be in before August.
As for XH, well I just feel so done with him at the moment. Maybe it's just some anger coming out, but I feel so meh about him. I've read a lot about MLC and have felt some compassion. But TBH, once the D finalised it really seemed to change things for me. I can't imagine wanting to get back together now. I just feel a million miles away from that and feel there is virtually nothing to build on now. I keep coming back to this - if we had 3 kids together and were M for 20 years. But in our case that wasn't the case and I do feel I can move on in peace. Yes, there is always more I could do, but I feel happy not to do it and look forward to a new life alone - and maybe with someone else in time.
Still in regular contact with nice guy at work. So, he lost a pile of weight through his D and since I've known him has been wearing clothes a little too large. Recently, he's invested in some new work gear - that fits! The ladies have commented how great he looks...he still seems as though he may potentially interested and I guess time will tell. I'm not in a big rush to get into another R just now. There's much to enjoy about being single...
Well, that's it from me and thanks to you all for looking in on me on a bit of a meh weekend xx
What's stopping you asking him for a friendly drink?
Hi Sotto, I agree with Huddy. Why don't you ask nice guy for a friendly drink?
Thanks V - it's all better now
xx
Well Huddy and JksD - I guess a combination of things - fear. He may say no? Then we work together and that's a bit awkward....Maybe it's too soon. I'd really like to wait a year after D before dating...I think slow is best really. Though I'd be a bit gutted if I heard he'd met someone else. I don't know - I guess I'll mull it over some more. Procrastinate.
I had a nice weekend. Went out with a friend to a movie and a drink last night. Been renovating some furniture today and visited with Mum.
Things are a little weird with XH. So, he told me that SS and his mum would be at our marital home this weekend. Separately, I texted SS to ask how he's doing & he said his Mum was taking him over there to spend a last weekend at our house. (Why wouldn't his Dad take him I wonder?? Strange...)
Anyway - I don't dwell. Work is going to be busy this week and will get in the way of salsa and yoga plans - but I'm meeting up with my divorce chums on Thursday for a drink. I'm also looking after two cute little doggies for the day while my friend is away - looking forward to that.
Oh, and part of my orthodontic retainer snapped off this weekend
- need to see if I can get an emergency dental appt in the morning.
Thanks for looking in and hope you all had a good weekend xx
Sotto it sounds you are doing really well, I hope that you can deal with the buyers' demands without delays and with you budget.
Enjoy your dinner tonight! Take care.
I think a drink with cute guy would trump a divorce group! Understand what you're saying though. You never know, you might not get on with him outside the workplace. I'm not going to pretend I know what an 'orthodontic retainer' is (best guess - a brace?),but I hope it's not painful. I think my dentist is a left over from the third reich (I'm sure she loves to make my gums bleed).
Hi Sotto,
Just think about you today and hoping that you are feeling better and things are getting resolved without too much headache.
It is all so easy sometimes and we can even taste the peace inside our hearts and then it is so hard and painful we drop to our knees and cry or want to scream so loud it would place us in some crazy people house.
Time will heal our hearts and show us a different path, hopefully we did enough work on ourselves that things can be joyful next time, if it happen.
You are lovely Sotto, and gorgeous too. I am sure nice guy have his fear too since he was also left behind. I guess slow is the best way of building a strong friendship and if the two of you want to try, it can be the best R you ever dreamed about.
Love to you sweetie,
Pink
Thanks for visiting Esame, Huddy and Pink - I appreciate your support xx
Pink, yes I feel slow is the right way for me. When I think back to XH, ours was fast and there were things I wasn't that comfortable with and I struggled to look after myself in the whole situation. Got very much swept along. I see more of a friendship that could turn into romance at some point as the way to go.
Well, it's been a busy few days for me - worked away Mon & Tues and then a business trip with colleagues yesterday and only got back at 9pm. Been looking after two sweet little doggies for a friend today and out with my divorce chums this evening. I hot-desked next to NG this week and we compared house notes - I showed him my details and he thought it looked like a nice place. He's looking great these days.....his new wardrobe really works for him - I've been a little too shy to say, but I may do next time I see him.
Progress on the house front. Survey on mine tomorrow and buyers pressing for paperwork and hoping for completion in July on the marital home. Still not really missing XH and not thinking about him in a fond way - feeling we are very much done. I'd like to get to a place of feeling a little more compassion - but right now, I just feel meh about him. I'll keep working on that.
Any ways - hope everyone's having a good week & take care xx
Hi Sotto,
I always get this good feeling of hope every time I read your posts. Your life seems to always get resolved somehow.
From ups and downs and happy days, not so happy days, I see you manage to move forward with a lot of grace. It is amazing how far you have come and how well you managed your life.
I am very proud of you and for sure think about it many times in order to move my life into a less stressful game plan.
All the struggles resolving issues with the MH and the stuff inside were hard on you, but it was once more big rock on the way you dealt with that the way you could best.
Your XH is a big idiot, actually I can find some other adjectives to him but unfortunately I can't post here. He pretends to move on and not look into his own flaws and it will just blow in his face again. Shame on him for not wanting to be a strong and good person for himself and for others, but sometimes people love the new and don't see the real value of the old.
In ways you may well be better off without him and time will tell what kind of atrocities he will do next.
I am very happy you are sassy about your new life, you seem like fresh and free and it is very attractive. Hugs, hugs and more hugs to my friend. You are an amazing woman that have been dealing with so much and yet managed to be amazing.
Love you lots Sotto,
Pink
Pink, thanks so much for your thoughtful post. You are very kind to say those things and you are right that I may well be better off without XH going forwards. Someone posted somewhere else on the forum - I loved the person I married but not who they have become. I can honestly say that if I was meeting XH from scratch now with his current history, I wouldn't be attracted to him.
Good couple of days for me. The survey on the house I'm buying went well. The surveyor is happy with the value and there are some minor maintenance jobs. He mentioned the great location and that it should never be hard to sell a nice property in this location. Can't recall if I said, but I went to school with the surveyor (haven't seen him for 30 years.) He asked some stuff about my life and where I've been etc. Then told me that a bunch of guys from school keep in touch and go out regularly. He mentioned some names (and some hilarious nicknames too) some of whom I remember. If I get an invite I may go along and catch up with one or two old faces.
Spent the day Mum-sitting and had a nice gentle time. We had the music on and she was humming along, the sun was shining and all felt well with the world.
Fathers Day tomorrow, so will be calling over to see them again with some lunch. Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. Xx
Oh, and I forgot to say - I called into the rental agents today and found out that I need to get my notice in next week if I want the rental to finish before the end of July. So, the letter is now done and I'll post it through tomorrow. Worst case scenario, things get delayed and my stuff has to go into storage while I stay with my parents for a week or two - wouldn't be the end of the world.
So, it looks as though I'll be on the move soon....
As for telling someone they look good, I would if genuine.
I love to hear I look ok and pass, according xh2 I never did, and he made sure he told me I looked bad at times. He believed in constructive criticism. Stupid really.
Bwwwhhahhah his loss.
If you have good memories of school and mates then go. I didn't have a really fun time at school and hated being teased and harassed by the other kids. Most never had time for me at school nor after so I really am not overly bothered by them.
Thanks GG, I will compliment him next time I think that - and yes I my well go and meet some old school mates if I get an invite.
Just watched a lovely TED talk by Louie Schwartzberg and would recommend it - on gratitude, nature and beauty - lovely inspirational talk and just 10 minutes.
xx
Hi all, not much to report but life goes on
House stuff trundling along and I hope to be in by end July. Not much liaison with XH, but that suits me TBH. He's clearing stuff out of the MH next couple of weeks. Been busy at work and had to miss a couple of yoga & salsa sessions. Went out last night and had a nice time - ladies group dinner. Also hosting a book group at mine later (new divorce group thing...) and seeing a couple of friends Sunday.
Saw nice guy yesterday and had some good chats. My close colleague is keen to fix us up and I have to rein her in. I notice I'm much more confident with social interactions than I was when I first met XH - so that's a good thing. Sat next to a woman last night who has an every other weekend R with a guy, which seems to suit her just fine. I figure I'm approaching 50, so I can do what I like now!!
SS's birthday this week, and so sent him a parcel. Have had a few people tell me how great I'm looking lately. My boss said I look 10 years younger than when he first saw me after BD. Another woman (I see her every few months) told me I look better each time she sees me. So I guess something is agreeing with me
I still feel pretty 'meh' about XH in a door closed kind of way. Tho part of me would kind of like him to regret things. But then that would be a dilemma and I don't really wish him unhappiness etc...
Starting to organise myself for the move....clearing out. Need to have a look at utilities and so on. My boss is trying to talk me into a more senior role, which is a compliment (not sure I feel that confident about it though!)
So, all good I guess and thanks for reading xx
Sotto, that's a good update, you are feeling positive about your new social interactions and your job, and at least not negative about XH. Keep doing what you are doing, and let the passing time heal.
Hi Sotto. It's all sounding very positive and moving forwardish
Re XH, I think if you didn't wonder sometimes then it's wouldn't be normal
You can't have someone in your life for that period and just turn off feelings , you might add feelings , sadness , disappointment even hate but not just turn off those feelings
You know I admire how you deal with everything and I think Nice Guy might be a pleasant distraction if you choose.
Your posts are always upbeat but maybe adding a hint of romance might be good ?
Just my humble opinion and as we all know on here , I'm not the sharpest knife I the draw
Take care. Rd. xx
Really positive update there Sotto! Maybe you should consider the senior role, it might be the right boost in confidence for you. It sounds like you are doing great, maybe you should even give the cute guy a little chance? Only if you ready of course!
Take care x
Very positive attitude towards life Sotto, I can't tell you how much you are my hero😀. You are so strong yet so wise! I'm learning in my job tag if they don't feel you are up for a better position, they wouldn't offer it to you. Your boss obviously value you and think that you can do the job, so why not go for it!
It feels nice to see that there might be a love interest for you as you deserve it.
Take care xx
Ah, Sunny, RD, Esame and Rouky - you are all kind indeed & thank you for the moral support!
Well, I have been busy for sure! Out with a friend on Sunday and then working away last two days. Yesterday we had a big job to do and stayed until almost 8pm. It was fun and we had some good laughs over pizza whilst we finished the job off. Today I'm off and I just remembered I have a lunch date with a friend and then yoga tonight. Monday was salsa too....lots going on.
NG is moving house this week (into his newly purchasing place after renting for over 2 years) - we got him a new home card & colleagues signed it. Not seen him this week though. All quiet with XH too - tho I imagine a few things will crop up in coming weeks. He's off to the marital home this weekend to do some clearing out. Then his XW1 is going in weekend after that to take some stuff she wants (a bit unusual but I'm fine with that - I have any stuff I wanted now.)
I've been thinking lately that the door is really closed now from my end with XH. That's fine - but I do think about the fact that after BD we literally met once a month later and then nothing. Only a couple of phone calls since and everything else by email. It wasn't a great ending to the M and I worry about there being a big unsealed wound there. Do we just not do anything to 'close things down' if you get my meaning? Do we not meet at some point and have some kind of 'forgiveness' conversation? Fact is, I wouldn't want to meet him (and certainly not OW) at events going forward - and I probably wouldn't need to unless I'm invited to a big event for SS (graduation, wedding etc)...but does it then remain an unhealed rift with someone who was important in my life?
Other than this I'm doing okay. I heard from our mutual friend this week with the bad news that she has been diagnosed with cancer. It looks like it is in the early stages but she will know more after an appointment this week. I'm not sure if XH knows, but I will leave her to tell him if she wants to. He hasn't really been keeping in touch with her and it is a shame because I think she tried to be a good friend to both of us when BD happened.
Reflecting, I have been the one in our lives who kept in touch with people....even XH's family. From what I hear, he isn't doing much keeping in touch with anyone and is very much into his new city life & OW etc. Then he wonders why he feels empty and a disconnect. Fact is you do get back what you give out. But anyway, that's on him...
Other than this, I'm doing fine. Going to prod the house stuff a little today and make sure everything is moving as I'm due to be out of the flat in four weeks - eek!
Thanks for reading xxx
Hi Sotto, glad to hear you're busy and have loads going on. I understand what you're saying about how things were left with XH. If you'd agreed to remain friends do you think you could be in his and OW's company at events? It could be that it's awkward the first time then it just becomes the new normal. I don't think I could do it though. Maybe if there was another OW further down the line I would be more accepting.
Sorry to hear of your friend's diagnosis, hopefully it will be treated early enough and she will be okay.
Thank you so much for taking the time to offer your advice to me on my thread it is so kind of you and I take it all on board!
Take care xx
Hi love, so sorry about your friend's health news. You are doing quite well however, and I get what you're asking about the closure. You know, you don't need H to have that. You can do your own private work on closure by meditating and inviting his higher self in to then say whatever you feel needs to be said/completed between you. Just a thought I'd like to offer up in case you may find it helpful.
xoxoxoxo
The forgiveness comes from inside. I never ever had a forgiveness convo with my ex. I just came to a place where I forgave him to free my heart. So I could see him and OW and not feel all those awful negative angry feelings. It doesn't need to be discussed. It just needs to be something you do for yourself.
Hi Sotto,
I'm not sure how the forgiveness thing would work, I really don't know what would be a good way to get closure. It must be such a strange situation to be in. I was eating something around D the other day (not sure where or what) and the writer was saying how odd a time it is. When you get married you want everyone to know, you invite people to celebrate with you, it is the beginning of a new life. What about when you divorce though? What then? Sorry I have no answers, I just found it interesting.
I am sorry about your friend's diagnosis, I hope everything goes well for her, and she recovers gully!
*fully not gully. Sorry for the typo
Sotto
I will include your friend in my votive.
Hugs
V
Sotto,
I will keep your friend in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi all, thanks for your thoughts on closure. I think it is absolutely the case that I have to do this for myself. I know from previous convos with XH, he just says things that I find ridiculous and that wouldn't help me at all. Perhaps this is it and there will just be no contact at all again. I can live with that for sure. I guess the thing I don't like is to have an unhealed rift in a relationship that was previously so important to me. But I don't see any options for healing together, so I'm in it alone for that.
Thanks for your good wishes about my friend. I will check in with her tomorrow and see how she's doing. I'm going to ask if she needs any practical help around the time of her op too. I'm not sure if XH is aware of her diagnosis, but last I heard he hadn't been keeping in touch with her at all. I can recall us talking about him and her just saying something like - he's not the man I thought he was. I think she feels pretty let down by him.
As for me, I've been busy with some nice social plans. Dinner & cabaret plus afternoon tea at the weekend and salsa last night. Tomorrow is yoga followed by champagne and nibbles. I feel I have a number of nice groups of people now - salsa group, divorce, ladies social group and so on - it's nice and regular invites seem to flow in.
I've provisionally booked removals for a couple of weeks time, but I suspect the dates aren't going to work out and I'll need to put them back. It would be good to move in July if possible and it sounds like the tenant in the house I'm buying will leave earlier than expected. I'm looking forward to being in and sorted. I decided to invest in removals and just have a comfortable move. It was such an ordeal getting stuff into my flat, which is on the second floor and no lift.
As for nice guy at work. I've texted him a couple of times using work phones - just to wish him well with his move and hope he's settling in. He responds - but doesn't really initiate beyond that. In person, he seems pretty interested - but I got a little wobbly about the limited text responses and I've backed off a little. He may not be that interested, or a little scared, or wary of us working together. Who knows, but I've talked myself around from the wobble. It does make me question the wisdom of getting involved with someone as the rejection is pretty tough soon after D and I wonder how well I could handle it. I think you need to be able to handle the rejection when you decide to start dating - because it may happen.
Anyway - that's about it from me. Just looking forward to the marital home being sold and all affairs settled which isn't long away now.
Thanks for reading and take care all xx
Hi Sotto. Generally sounding good , NG may be caught up in his own world right now or maybe not. Slow and steady and let him make the running now you've shown him some attention
The rejection thing I get and agree with especially right now after your recent D You have time on your side so be comfortable with any choice you make. Risks can be taken once your in a more secure place emotionally
Just my pennies worth
Take care. Rd xx
Hi Sotto, once you are in your own house you'll be so pleased. Good on you to use a removal company! I tried to do it myself and was so relieved when I used a company.
For NG I'll agree with RD, you have shown him an interest, so let him do the chasing and he might be focused on his move!
You sound in such a good place. I do admire your journey and your strength xx
Sotto
A secret message to you
Have fun
V
Thanks RD, Rouky and V - funny, I had a wobble and just quietly backed right off - and he surged right forward...go figure.
I'll just keep moving forward and see what unfolds.
Been really busy at work, but I'm off today. Going to look after my lovely Mum this morning to give Dad a break, then out for dinner with a friend tonight & bookstore volunteering tomorrow. House move seems to be in the final stages on legal checks, so I have a document to unearth today.
I've volunteered for a sporting activity in a work tournament next week. I'm a little panicked as it involves running....something I don't do! I'm doing some little jogs this week to get myself in practice.
Other than that, all is well with me & thanks for reading xx
Well, this weekend (not sure of the exact date) marks the two year anniversary of BD. There had been a BD1 a few months earlier, but this was the big one. In truth, whilst I knew it was here, I haven't thought of it much and have had a nice weekend. Last night, I took my Dad on our annual pilgrimage to an opera festival and today I have been doing some clearing out and sorting ready for my move.
I have come a long way in two years - moved out, rented a flat, got a new job, took up many new activities, made new friends, divorced, resolved our finances, stayed in touch with my stepson, learned a lot, grew and did some healing. In a way, it has been the best (and the worst) two years ever.
I'm looking forward to being settled in my new place now and just keeping everything crossed that things run smoothly. Minimal contact with XH and all business. Sent a little (non-work) message to NG about something this week and he texted back to say his day just got a lot better hearing from me
Just taking things steady there really - but it's enjoyable to feel someone may like you - particularly having spent (a lot - probably far too much) time grieving for an XH who is all into someone else!!
I also went out with a divorce group friend last week - she and I had a nice dinner and a chat. This week is salsa, rounders, yoga and ladies social group - my next night in after tonight is Friday I think.
Not much else to report, but life is pretty good and getting better all the time for me - hope everyone else had a good weekend. Xx
2 years is a long time. you have really grown in that time. I see it in your posts on your sit as well as your responses to others!
here is to a little piece of mind as you continue to settle into your place,
Zephyr, thanks for stopping by and for your kind feedback. I think you are a lovely presence on the forum - kind and constant.
Wow, I'm feeling a little tired and overwhelmed today. I cried and I haven't done that for a while. The marital home sale completes (hopefully) next week and XH had a team go in and clear remaining stuff once we (and HXW!) had taken what we wanted. It is empty now.
I'm feeling quite raw really - it truly is the end of the end. Last threads pulling apart. Just the joint account to be closed down and there are no remaining ties.Weirdly I find that a bit harder even than the D being finalised. It's odd, I don't actually hope for reconciliation and don't feel it would be possible - but there is still the rawness of the closure I guess.
It's been a bit of a stressful week and I feel the beginnings of a sore throat (my classic stress symptom.) Various property hassles and I've been out every night (over-GALing really.) I almost cancelled my evening tonight, but then told a couple of friends I'd meet up with them for an hour. They are having a bigger night out, but in truth I don't need that.
Removals are now booked for the 28th and it looks as though there will be a gap before I get the house and I'll stay with my parents. It may only be for a week, and I'm working on the positives of having keys before I move in. I may paint a room even!
So that's me - in a bit of a raw state and over-committed/rather stressed - but basically okay. NG and me have texted a little this week and that feels like a bright spot. Plus my friend had her cancer op today, so I could be in a worse place and must always remember that.
Take care all and thanks for reading. Xx
So sorry to hear that you had a cry. I understand how you feel about the completion of the house and the closing of the joint account. It does feel like the end for good. You are a strong woman and as you said we don't know what the future holds.
Please listen to your body when it tells you to stop! When I'm really tired I easily cry and start to think negatively. At times you need time to rest.
Sotto,
I am so sorry that you had a difficult time w/the sale of the marital home. It does make a person stop and think that this is one of the final "steps" that needs to be taken care of to move on. The divorce itself, was just a piece of paper, and yes, we know it can mean different things for people, but it's the selling of the marital home that really brings it all into perspective for many. I'm so sorry this news hit you hard. Cry as much as you need to and then try to look forward to moving into your new place. You will make many new memories in your new place and your friends and family will be there to help you make those memories. You may even get that pup you were thinking about in the spring.
I'm sending you positive thoughts today. I do hope you'll be feeling better soon.
Hi Sotto. A tough time and a reality check. We can deal with our loss and move forward but something like selling the family home is a bit to much reality and difficult to cope with. Moving can be very stressful and with the emtional ties on top of that no wonder it's bringing you down.
IMHO , this is one of those times you need to focus on what you have Irather than what you haven't and you are doing that I know
I think your aware of the admiration and caring we all have for you and I know I'm speaking for me than just myself here
For me you've being a shining light on how to act / cope through all this and while I know it isn't easy for you , you still do it
I admire your strength and character, you always have wise and caring words for everyone and show great compassion. XH is a fool , he's lost a great lady and he won't find someone like you again. His loss will be NG or some other very lucky guys gain and I'm jealous and glad for you at the same time. You deserved better than who XH is now and you will find much better and someone you appreciates how fantastic you are
Take your time with all that's happening , you have real life and internet friends who I'm sure are always there to listen and help in any way they can
A whole week with mum and dad sounds lovely too
Take care. Rd. Huge hug and xx
Aww, thanks so much guys - I did have a mini meltdown there. Today I had a quiet day with some extreme self-care - eating well, reading self help books, meditating, watching TED talks, and I feel a lot calmer.
A friend popped round for a coffee this evening and brought me some lovely flowers, which was nice. I think things may be a bit tough for a few weeks with sale and moving activities going on, so I'm upping the self-care and will dial down the GAL a little - make sure I don't get over-tired.
Thanks for kindly looking in on me Rouky, Job and RD - I so appreciate it xx
Hi Sotto, hope you're feeling better. My impending move is stressing kid and me out too - I suspect it's more for sentimental than practical reasons.
Hi sweet Sotto. Just checking in on you. Hope you are feeling better. You've been facing big changes that carry a lot of emotional weight. As always, you handle yourself really well and I'm glad to hear that you've been taking extra care of yourself.
Jksd, thanks for stopping by - and yes I think the emotional aspect does add to the stress - compared to a 'normal' move - but we shall both get through it I'm sure.
Feyth, thanks for the vote of confidence - you are kind (and brave I think from reading your sitch!)
Well, we exchanged contracts on the MH today and the sale completes on Friday. Cleaners are going in tomorrow and there will be a check by our trusted house/pet visitor late tomorrow. I've booked Thursday off in case of any last minute problems, but I don't expect to have to travel up there.
The new tenant for the flat pulled out and so I'm able to stay until the house purchase completes - really pleased about that...so it looks like I'll be buying and moving in early August now. I'm still a little under the weather with a sore throat that hasn't really developed - but it is my warning sign to rest and I'm grateful to it for telling me.
NG and me continue to be in touch a little - nothing major. We were at an event together this week and chatted about various things - it was nice. One thing I like about him is he is 3 years out from S and hasn't jumped into a new R yet....and he's an attractive, personable & intelligent guy. I like that. I don't think I would really consider someone who 'jumped ship' or jumped straight into a new R etc. I feel they would be in a different place emotionally to me now - as XH is I suppose.
Anyway - moving closer to being settled and sorted...will keep you posted my friends xx
NG sounds good! I do hope something works out for the both of you.
HI dearest Sotto. Sweetie, this all makes perfect sense, doesn't it? And there's also one aspect you haven't mentioned, which is grieving the dream: the life long commitment dream. You know?
Just remember to breathe honey and if there's something you need to say to XH, write it down so you can get it out!
I need to jet to bring pup to the vet, but will check in later xoxoxoxo
Sotto...I'm finally slowing down to check in and I have to say, reading your posts, I find the kinship among the people on this site amazing. Isn't it funny that people who don't know each other in the "real world" can come together and commiserate so intelligently about others issues and offer such great advice and support.
I really just wanted to say that you HAVE come a long way in 2 years. Isn't it amazing how we can go from our lowest and climb back to the highest of highs.
You definitely are an inspiration lady!
Hi Guys,
JKSD- thanks for posting...yes he is nice, and we'll see how things unfold :-)
Bttrfly- yes I'm sure you're right. I feel I couldn't see XH and me together again anyway, however the loss is still sad - not all the time but some of the time.
Dawn - thank you. Yes 2+ years is a long time. I always think our steps just need to be in the right direction and ultimately we get there.
Well, the marital home sold on Friday. That was a good day and great to feel the weight of that property lift from my shoulders. For two years I haven't lived there and it has been mostly empty. I'm still getting used to not having to think about it. Great to log on to my current account and see funds from the sale there too. And nice to post a card to the new owners at that address, which is no longer mine. I'm glad to think of someone else being happy in that lovely house. Went out with a friend for drinks Friday evening to celebrate.
I feel pretty much better now. I've had a quieter time and I've been pottering about buying things and generally getting ready to move (in 2 weeks time.) A bit of contact with XH about house stuff and I've asked him to let me know when he wants to close down the joint account...no response from him on that so far. He may be busy moving himself. To be fair, he has been pretty helpful on the house sale - arranging the house clearance, cleaning and contacting the utilities and so on. I haven't had to do that much - though I have offered. It may be some guilt on his part, or he may just feel I'm flaky...
Saw NG last week and we've had a couple of text exchanges since. I arrived at an event, and there was a seat next to him, so I popped myself right in it and we had some nice chats. Makes me realise I am much more confident than when I first met XH - I would have panicked and probably sat somewhere else then - even if I'd wanted to sit there!
Work the next couple of days and salsa class, movie with friends, doggie-sitting and yoga on Wednesday - busy few days coming up - but it will make the move come all the quicker hopefully.
Hope everyone had a good weekend xx
Hi all, just dropping in for a quick update. Nothing much to report....had the usual stuff on this week, salsa, gym, yoga, bookstore, work. Went out with a friend to visit a craftsman in his studio on Friday - that was interesting.
I'm in the pre-move stage now. A little early to pack, but time drawing near. I've been doing a couple of upcycling projects and a bit of sewing. Wednesday I collect boxes and Friday, start packing in earnest. I move a week on Monday. Seeing my L on Tuesday and hopefully will exchange next week. I may get the keys before the end of the week, which would be nice.
Still trying to make arrangements to get the joint account closed down or my name taken off it. Emailed XH a couple of weeks ago to say - let me know when you want us to do this. No response. Late this week, I found a form I can complete to get my name taken off (if he agrees). Emailed him to say - is it easiest if I just do this form and post to you? Still no response. If I've not heard from him by middle of next week, I'm going in to the bank to ask what the best plan is.
NG and I still having contact at work and a little texting outside of work. A couple of times, he has said to me - I'll put some champagne on ice (WRT moving and another success...nothing big.) This week, he said to me - I actually do have a bottle of champagne in the fridge. I was a bit flustered and didn't follow up on that one. I don't feel I would be comfortable visiting his for a glass of champagne - but I wouldn't mind a drink out once I've moved, and I may well suggest it.
And now for today's exciting news! So, one of the nice things about XH - he was a morning person and always brought me a coffee in bed. I loved that, and it's one of the big things I miss. Well, this week I read about a coffee machine with an app, that you just switch on from the bed. Wow - I thought!! I can just replace XH with an app - perfect!
But the reviews weren't that great. However, I have bought a cheaper machine with great reviews and a timer you can set the night before - so I'm looking forward to waking up and smelling the coffee!
Anyway - that's it from me folks and hope you're having a good weekend xx
Sotto,
I would take my divorce decree w/me to the bank and show them that you are divorced. That should help w/removing your name off the account.
You are doing beautifully and things are falling into place for you. I'm very happy about you finally getting a new place and it won't be long before you are packed and moved. This will be another weight off your shoulders.
You will enjoy waking up to the smell of fresh coffee every morning!
Enjoy your weekend!
Dear Sotto, I wanted to wish you a good move for next week as I'm off to see family and won't have any internet connection. I'll be thinking of you.
You are in such a good place that I hope to follow your foot steps soon.
I'll bring the drinks when I'm back xx
Thanks Job and Rouky :-)
Not updated for a little while....so here we go. Managed to get the joint account sorted this week. XH came back to me with the completed form and I signed it and took it to the bank. Once his name is off, I'll just close the account down.
The house also completed this week, which is good. It was a bit frustrating and a bit of an anti climax actually. When I went in and it was empty, it looked a bit forlorn and it needs a good clean too. I'm going to be busy next couple of days before the removals come on Monday. I plan to get the main bedroom painted, the carpets cleaned and clean the rest of the house too....busy weekend for me as need to finish packing up the flat too...part way there with that and don't have too much stuff...
So, nice guy at work and I texted some more and he ended up saying to me - hey, we should get together for a glass of wine sometime. I said that would be nice. Then I suggested the one night I'm up in his town last week and we arranged that. But then on the morning, he texted to say would I mind if we postpone as he's having one of those weeks....but he'd like to get together another time. I said, for sure no problem...& hoped his week improves.
But, I did have a bit of a vulnerability meltdown behind the scenes. Did he think he was interested then change his mind? Does he still love his XW? Did he just get cold feet? Was he scared? I don't know...We've exchanged a couple of texts since, but I've backed off a little. I think I'll just wait and see what unfolds.
Other than that, had a couple of social things this week - salsa and dinner out with a couple of girls from my divorce group. Funny - we got talking about what exes looked like and got our phones out to share pics of XHs. I showed mine, and both girls said - Wow, I expected your XH would be much better looking than that! Did me some good
Anyway - house prep all weekend, move on Monday, hand the flat keys over on Tues, then sorting out for the rest of the week.
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend xx
Well I'm going to give you the advice that likely you and others would give to me - and honestly that I give to all my friends. It's more about him than it is about you. It really is and I know you believe it. Thing is, when it happens to us, it's hard to believe it, isn't it? I can't answer as to why he called to postpone - which really is better than cancel - but I can tell you that it happens to me - a lot. It's one of my leading questions of WHY??? It happens with potential romantic interests and with friends. I can't figure out if it's always been this way and I didn't care so didn't notice or if people have just gotten "different." If I had to guess/mind-read, and we all know how fruitless that can be, my leading contenders is he's a bit scared - again nothing to do with you, and or he's just not feeling it at the moment (then see the first one). Backing off and waiting is the move I'd make. Then again, what in the hell do I know?
Above all else I just wanted you to know what happened to you seems to happen a lot!
Thanks Don
I have been reading along with your thread, but haven't gathered myself together to post yet, and I'm all busy with house prep now. You will hear from me at some point soon though!!
Yes, I agree that sitting back and letting things unfold is a useful thing to do....DBing extends into other areas of our lives really well. I notice my emotions more now and am more able to respond, rather than react. I still have occasional vulnerability meltdowns, but they are behind the scenes. I recognise they are all about me, I process everything and they pass...
Any ways - off to do some carpet cleaning today....
xx
Hi Sotto,
Good to hear the update from you. Per usual, you seem to be doing well! I get the whole vulnerability and emotional breakdown though.... It's probably some residual PTSD of sorts. After being rejected so badly by xh, it's hard to even feel a little rejection (and it may not be rejection at all... It just feels bad). But think of it this way, you are a much better version of yourself than the last time you were single (Though I have no doubt you were stellar before your BD).... Any guy would be lucky to just be in your presence. I think all of us DBers who have truly done the work (and continue to do the work) are the best versions of ourselves... And tomorrow we'll be even better versions. So, anyway, Just remember you are amazing!
I hope the rest of the cleaning went well and you were able to have some fun this weekend!
I think that he asked you out is great. I would err on the side of him really wanting to be at his best when you guys went out and he couldn't do that while he had a bad week.
Some call me a pessimist, but I am a realist and optimist:)
Great update! Sounds like things are really moving right along. So excited for your move. Well, not the actual moving part but that you are moving. Enjoy and keep those positive updates coming. I laughed out loud (literally) at the post about replacing XH with an app for morning coffee. Thanks for the laugh!
Thanks for stopping by Feyth, Ginger and Dawn :)xx
Well, I'm in my new house!! I have to say it was a stressful 4 or 5 days. The house was pretty dirty and I had a push to get it all clean when I moved in...which led to a bit of a packing panic. Then moving day was fine and I had a brilliant and kind removals team. After that, a push to get the rental flat cleaned and the keys back....golly! Yesterday was my first day without a deadline of some kind.
Any ways - I have unpacked all boxes bar one and it is starting to feel nice. Met my neighbours on both sides, who are super nice and had my first visitor for coffee (my Dad.) Today is bed assembly and trying to get the main bedroom organised. I hope to have the house largely sorted by the time I go back to work next week. Tomorrow my new sofa comes and a charity store collects some furniture I don't need.
I have a few social days coming up now - visit from my sister today, volunteering tomorrow, a bring and share food event Saturday (divorce group) and coffee with two friends Sunday. All part days, so plenty of time to get organised around them.
Dawn, glad to give you a laugh with the coffee machine - oh my goodness, I think I blew it up on first use!! Burnt my finger on the hot plate and now can't get it to do anything. I'm going to ask my Dad to have a look for me.
XH's name is now off the joint account and I'll get that closed down when I get chance. That's it - all links severed and I plan to remain out of touch with him now. He didn't end our R in a way that allows for any ongoing friendship, so I wouldn't anticipate us being in touch. On a positive note, I have been asked to become a trainee facilitator for the next divorce group session, so that's a winter project for me!
NG and me still in (less frequent) touch by text. TBH, I've backed off a little after he postponed us having a drink out. I realised I had got a little excited about things and had become the one who was initiating more. But I figure if he wants us to do something, he can get in touch.
Anyway, that's all from me for now and hope my DB friends are all doing well. Xx
Glad to hear that you've moved in to your new place!
Yup, helpful and efficient house movers can make a big difference.
I hope my move will work out as hood as yours.
Congratulations on the move to your new home. You've had some stressful days, but you managed to get everything done and now you can relax and enjoy your new place.
You've got a lot of plans for the week that will keep you busy, but you also will be spending some time w/family and friends. Maybe the hot plate has a short in it and you will need to toss it out rather than try to fix it.
Now that your xh's name is off the joint account, you can close it out when you get the chance. I'm sure you'll be happy to get that final thing over and done with.
What a privilege and honor to be asked to become a trainee facilitator for the next divorce group session. You will be a valuable asset to the group w/the knowledge that you have on the subject.
As for the NG, he'll be touch again very soon.
Sounds great! I am jealous that you got all your boxes unpacked so quickly. I STILL have 2 boxes, but hope to get those done in the coming weeks. Of course, those are boxes that I unpacked and then put more stuff in as I moved and reorganized over and over again, so not sure if they really count. LOL
Keep on keeping on, Sotto. Sounds like things are going your way!
Hi Sotto
New house! Excellent. NG - he'll be in touch, don't panic. I can't believe you got unpacked so quickly. When we moved in to our last house, we still had one box that we ended up putting in storage at S time! Moving onwards, not looking backwards - well done!
Hi Sotto!
Congratulations on the new house. I am looking longingly towards that myself.
Best,
RAI
Thanks for dropping in my friends and for your good wishes - it's much appreciated! I've enjoyed the first week or so in my new place. Had a little poke around in the garden and been making plans to have it looking really nice. Feels like home anyway. Still some sorting to do, but basically unpacked now - just need to take some stuff to the tip and clear the decks a little.
I've been a little quieter socially, but had a nice couple of outings last weekend - bring and share supper with D group friends and afternoon tea with a couple of girlfriends. I have a friend coming over this evening to see the house - and tomorrow, I get to meet up with a chum from this very forum! Sunday, I'm meeting up with two old friends for the afternoon.
All quiet on the XH front, just need to get the joint account closed down now as his name is off it. Heard from SS this week and hoping to get together with him next week....not seen him for a few months.
NG still seems reticent. We've exchanged a few texts and I keep it light, but he basically backed off since asking me out for a drink and then cancelling. I had a bit of a wobble about that and I worked through it. It's not helpful to think - how come XH found a prospective partner and I can't even go out for a drink with someone!! I wanted to push and prod NG to see why he cancelled and withdrew. Now I just figure he must have something going on and I'll leave him be and keep in occasional friendly contact....pleased that I managed to handle the situation anyway (so far!!)
Well, that's it from me folks & have a great weekend xx
Sotto,
I'm very glad to read that you are enjoying your new place. I knew it wouldn't take you long to unpack and get things organized and I'm sure that next spring...your garden will be beautiful.
Enjoy your weekend. It will be fun meeting up w/a chum from the forum and visiting w/friends.
I think you are very wise to leave NG be. It may be that NG has something else going on and isn't ready to go out for a drink, but it's his loss.
Thanks Job
Well, I'm settling in to my new place. Even though I didn't buy a doer upper house, there still seems to be a lot to do. And I seem to be starting things then getting diverted into others and making one or two poor choices in the process - a bit frustrated with myself. Tomorrow I'm off and I'm going to try and finish at least one thing before starting anything else.
Otherwise, I've been pretty busy socially. Saw a few different friends last weekend. All very nice and a friend joined me at salsa this week. She enjoyed it and may come again. Been working away and missed yoga tonight. But we have D group book club on Fri eve, then I'm meeting up with SS on Sat and out with a friend on Sun.
Saw NG this week for the first time since the cancelled drink. He jumped up and was really welcoming. Seemed keen to make conversation. I was rushing off somewhere and he helped me with my stuff. We text a little still and I can see it's possible we may try again for that drink at some point....we'll see..
Otherwise, all quiet with XH. I always feel some trepidation seeing SS. Nice to keep in touch with him, but it does bring me a little closer to what's happening with his Dad, which I find uncomfortable. But I'll get through that and out the other side I'm sure.
Hope everyone is well and having a good week xx
Congratulations for your new house. When are you free so I can pop round for a drink and bring you some home made cakes? :-).
I understand how you feel about SS as it's a reminder of your XH, on the other hand you have been part of his life for 13 years so I think it'd be hard for him not to be in touch with you. I'm still in touch with SD (not regularly, but still here as I was introduced to her very early on in my relationship with her dad).
I admire you for all your accomplishments and I know in no time your garden will take shape!
As for NG, I don't have any advice just enjoy his texts and company when you see him. No expectations😀.
Brava, Sotto! So glad you are settling in well and things are going happily along for you.
If I may, I would like to comment on the SS part. As you know from my sitch, I have 3 SDs from my marriage to XH. Fortunately, all 3 are adults and there is no worrying about having to actually see him to see them, but it is hard to separate them from him completely. As Rouky said above, they are a reminder of him. I urge you, though, to embrace your relationship with SS apart from XH. I have done this with the girls and I'm so glad I have a place in their lives still.
Cheers to the new place and all the good going on in your life.
Sotto congrats on the new house and on becoming a trainee facilitator for your support group. It all sounds great, especially your busy social life, keep that up! I have no real advice on the SS situation, but I guess it is normal to feel awkward so soon after the D? Maybe as time passes and you all heal your relationship will be more beneficial for SS and you? Best of luck with it all xxx
Rouky, you are welcome any time. Dawn, I agree it is important to invest in the R and Esame, thanks for your support..
SS and I had a lovely visit. He scraped though his exams and was disappointed in his grades. But they were good enough for him to take his next planned step. They are important exams, but he hasn't actually told his Dad his grades, just given him a general....I got 8 qualifications grade A-C. He said he didn't want to have to deal with a lecture from his Dad just now.
I was pleased with myself because I managed to ask nothing about XH. I made my guiding principle to put SS first and really start to see our R as separate to the M. I told SS about our good friend who starts chemotherapy this week. He didn't know (XH doesn't keep in touch with her) and was upset - said he'll contact her direct to wish her well. He and his Mum still plan to move to the US in a couple of years and he said he'll be sad to move so far from me, but whether he'll feel the same about his Dad is debatable. It's sad and he seems pretty negative about XH just now. Seems to know that XH just isn't really there for him and doesn't have much to offer him...
Otherwise, I'm doing okay. A bit of a mixed time as I have a sore back and want to do some house stuff but don't want to push it and feeling a little frustrated. Plus I had an exchange with a new (bossy) neighbour who collared me and wanted me to take on a job in our communal courtyard. We have a gardener and there's no real need to take on jobs, but some people choose to. But the interaction has led me to withdraw a little and not meet new neighbours as readily as I normally would. I know I need to overcome that and establish myself more here.
Hope everyone is having a good long weekend. Xx
Dearest Sotto
Whatever is done in love is done with a good heart. It was tough seeing SS although each time you do I believe it will get easier.
I think the reason will be you are building a new history with new memories of SS. SS gets older and more aware that history will become more important. Connections like this when done with care and love build and grow.
I am sending you some healing rainbows.
V
I'm glad you had a good visit with SS. Well done for not asking SS for any any news / info regarding xH, it would have been counterproductive and also it could have been uncomfortable for SS.
I hope shout back is better by now, be patient with yourself you are doing great.
(((Hugs)))
Thanks V and Esame. Yes, as time goes on it is easier to see SS as a separate person to XH and he and I build some new memories. When he came, we had a nice chat about some of the books we read together at bed time (I always used to do the reading) and how much he loved them. That was nice. I would have loved to ask if OW made the trip to the US to spend time with XH's family, but I managed not to - pats self on back.
Visited a physio friend last week who told me I have a wonky pelvis (SI joint) - not back at all! I now have some exercises and strategies to manage it. Seems it is a misalignment issue and treatable with some further sessions too - progress!
Saw NG last week. I've retreated a little with the texting and he doesn't really initiate if I don't. But in person, he was very warm and asking me Q's about some stuff we'd texted about. I'll see him later this week I think. We'll see. He did come up with a classic line of 'I'd give you a kiss, but I've been eating tomato soup.' (He's never suggested kissing me before!) That one made me chuckle a little to myself afterwards..
Otherwise, I'm doing a little decorating and generally getting sorted. Enjoying being able to choose what I like and planning a little housewarming party for my divorce group chums.
I don't think of XH all that much. I still shake my head a little sometimes - in a 'did that really happen to me' kind of way, but generally I'm not in much pain about it. Have I completely moved on. I guess a part of me would still like for him to turn back and then ours would be a sitch where there was regret. But I think that's more from a perspective of validating me than me actually wanting us to be together again.
I signed up for a borrow my dog scheme and had a chat with someone I know about walking their lovely dog sometimes. I'm also toying with the idea of 'rock choir' this Autumn, but that may be one GAL item too far....we'll see...
Anyway, that's it from me for now and hugs to you all xx
Hi Sotto,
Great to hear the update from you. I think you are wise to evaluate and determine if what you wanted was to really r or if it was just validation. How many of us would have been able to recognize that subtlety when we first arrived here? Probably slim to none.
I love the fact that you are looking to do some dog walking! I find so much joy in watching dogs... They have such funny personalities! And rock choir sounds really interesting, too!
Enjoy the rest of your week. Be well!
Thanks Feyth & Hi all. I lurk and post a little but don't feel there's a great deal to update. Been busy settling in to the house and doing some decorating. It's a nice place to live and is starting to get a little of the Sotto style.
Been busy at work. Boss and I had a chat today. He's been trying to talk me into a promotion and a few more hours. I have some trepidation, but agreed to give it a go!
Still in touch with NG and still like him and find him a little frustrating too. He always seems warm and initiates in person - and responds to my weekly or so texts to say Hi - but then doesn't really initiate anything otherwise.
So, I juggle a bit of frustration along with feeling it's good for me to wait anyway - a year after D is a good plan etc..I feel maybe I initiate a little too much and could do with sitting back a little more. Have I not learned the art of patience yet?
Still salsa-ing and yoga-ing, stuff with friends, bookstore etc etc...and generally feel positive about life and pretty grounded. Not heard from XH at all and he doesn't really get much of my headspace either. Just the odd thing that reminds me of him and the odd bit of rumination.
We've been nominated for some awards at work, so I'm invited to a posh frock dinner in a few weeks, should be nice. Next D group will also start in a month or so, where I think I'll be shadowing other facilitators - should be interesting.
Any ways - that's it from me for now and thanks for reading xx
hi Sotto, i love this update.
able to keep focus at work...and excel -Check!
able to keep.focus on you and not give xH any of your precious head space - Check!
GAL, GAL, GAL - Check!!!
having enough love for yourself to accept that no effort from someone is not good enough for you, to let NG be and not go piNing for someone who does not see all you have to offer. I am glad you are taking this slow!!! oh ya- Check
I hope you have a great weekend, good luck if you decide you want to pursue the promotion.
mark
Great update! Thinks are definitely coming up Sotto. You go, girl!
Sotto,
A very nice update!
P.S. Time to start a new thread!
Thanks everyone and Zephyr thanks to you too. I felt it was a bit of a mixed update and it is easy to forget how much progress we are making on many fronts in our lives - it was good to have a reminder.
This thread is about to lock and I may not start another one just yet....but be sure I'll still lurk and post to people.
Have a great weekend everyone :)xxx