Raliced- Joining the band - 01/21/16 09:11 PM
Hello All,
My final thread in Newcomers has been limping along for 6 months with me doggedly updating it every few weeks or so – but now that most of the members of my “DB Class” have migrated here – I suppose it is time to join them.
In a nutshell, my XH left me abruptly for an OW in July of 2014 and moved in directly with her. Shortly afterwards, it came out that he had more than one affair. We had moved here to be closer to my family (which had been a longstanding plan) a year and a half earlier. He had stayed behind for 4 months to get our house sold and after he rejoined us it was clear that he was not happy. I’m not sure if it was because of the move or if he missed his first lover (he claims it started after I had already left with our daughters). Sort of a chicken and egg thing, I guess.
Anyway – I know that I am more fortunate that a lot of folks here. I get my girls the majority of the time (although my heart aches during the brief periods they are with their father), I’m able to support myself and them, I have family around me, and the divorce itself was relatively amicable in a material sense. I did go out and develop some pretty good GAL activities and new friendships. And I would say a pretty good percentage of the time my spirits are relatively high.
That being said, I also lost my father very suddenly last summer, and between his death and the sudden dismantling of my family, I confess there are times that I feel adrift. I have a hard time articulating this, but despite being out in the world more, I do feel this distance growing between myself and other people. I know a lot of people who have experienced this have a hard time trusting new romantic partners, but it goes farther than that with me – I feel a need to be reserved in my feelings towards everyone except my children, family and few longtime friends. I’ve always been a pretty easy going person and I have always performed well in stressful situations (which has come in handy career-wise), but I definitely feel stress more now. And truthfully - lately I feel a lot of dismay that I will be tethered to XH for the res of my life.
Which brings me to an update on XH – His relationship with OW is over and he now has a 1bd apt much closer to us. After that happened he seemed to be a little more open and relatively cordial for a couple of months, but now he has withdrawn again in a major way. Since BD we’ve primarily communicated via email, text and the shared calendar that I maintain, and last week he informed me that he had changed phone plans, would no longer have data and now does not have access to email except the portion of the shift he is at the office (he’s a cop) four days a week. At child exchanges he makes no eye contact and cannot get away fast enough. Recently, after years of working unpredictable shifts that changed quarterly - his department changed and he will now have the same schedule for a year, including Saturdays off. I try not to have expectations, but even I was a little surprised now that he has the time off, that he hasn’t been able to make it to any of D7’s basketball games. When he got his new schedule he only asked to have them for a single Saturday a month. Actually he didn’t ask for “them” – just for D7 and I had to nudge him about D4 too. What is he spending his time doing? Apparently he has joined a political fringe party that wants to secede from the state. This Saturday is “his”, but he has to drop the girls off early instead of at D7’s basketball game because he has a “speaking engagement” (although he did say he would try to make it to 1 or 2 of her games). I have no idea if he’s dating someone else. D7 mentioned that a female friend with a son D4’s age spent the night once (in separate bedrooms) when the weather got bad. When I heard it, I felt absolutely nothing, except a fervent hope that if he is getting entangled with someone else that he keeps the girls out of it this time.
I feel absolutely no inclination to date. It’s not fear; there is just a complete absence of interest there. I enjoy being a mom immensely and right now I’m okay focusing on them and me, myself and I.
Anyway – I have more to post – mostly kid stuff – but I think that’s enough for one day.
My final thread in Newcomers has been limping along for 6 months with me doggedly updating it every few weeks or so – but now that most of the members of my “DB Class” have migrated here – I suppose it is time to join them.
In a nutshell, my XH left me abruptly for an OW in July of 2014 and moved in directly with her. Shortly afterwards, it came out that he had more than one affair. We had moved here to be closer to my family (which had been a longstanding plan) a year and a half earlier. He had stayed behind for 4 months to get our house sold and after he rejoined us it was clear that he was not happy. I’m not sure if it was because of the move or if he missed his first lover (he claims it started after I had already left with our daughters). Sort of a chicken and egg thing, I guess.
Anyway – I know that I am more fortunate that a lot of folks here. I get my girls the majority of the time (although my heart aches during the brief periods they are with their father), I’m able to support myself and them, I have family around me, and the divorce itself was relatively amicable in a material sense. I did go out and develop some pretty good GAL activities and new friendships. And I would say a pretty good percentage of the time my spirits are relatively high.
That being said, I also lost my father very suddenly last summer, and between his death and the sudden dismantling of my family, I confess there are times that I feel adrift. I have a hard time articulating this, but despite being out in the world more, I do feel this distance growing between myself and other people. I know a lot of people who have experienced this have a hard time trusting new romantic partners, but it goes farther than that with me – I feel a need to be reserved in my feelings towards everyone except my children, family and few longtime friends. I’ve always been a pretty easy going person and I have always performed well in stressful situations (which has come in handy career-wise), but I definitely feel stress more now. And truthfully - lately I feel a lot of dismay that I will be tethered to XH for the res of my life.
Which brings me to an update on XH – His relationship with OW is over and he now has a 1bd apt much closer to us. After that happened he seemed to be a little more open and relatively cordial for a couple of months, but now he has withdrawn again in a major way. Since BD we’ve primarily communicated via email, text and the shared calendar that I maintain, and last week he informed me that he had changed phone plans, would no longer have data and now does not have access to email except the portion of the shift he is at the office (he’s a cop) four days a week. At child exchanges he makes no eye contact and cannot get away fast enough. Recently, after years of working unpredictable shifts that changed quarterly - his department changed and he will now have the same schedule for a year, including Saturdays off. I try not to have expectations, but even I was a little surprised now that he has the time off, that he hasn’t been able to make it to any of D7’s basketball games. When he got his new schedule he only asked to have them for a single Saturday a month. Actually he didn’t ask for “them” – just for D7 and I had to nudge him about D4 too. What is he spending his time doing? Apparently he has joined a political fringe party that wants to secede from the state. This Saturday is “his”, but he has to drop the girls off early instead of at D7’s basketball game because he has a “speaking engagement” (although he did say he would try to make it to 1 or 2 of her games). I have no idea if he’s dating someone else. D7 mentioned that a female friend with a son D4’s age spent the night once (in separate bedrooms) when the weather got bad. When I heard it, I felt absolutely nothing, except a fervent hope that if he is getting entangled with someone else that he keeps the girls out of it this time.
I feel absolutely no inclination to date. It’s not fear; there is just a complete absence of interest there. I enjoy being a mom immensely and right now I’m okay focusing on them and me, myself and I.
Anyway – I have more to post – mostly kid stuff – but I think that’s enough for one day.
