I'm moving here! I don't feel comfortable among the newcomers. I remember how I didn't like reading about people who were over a year into their S with little or no hope of R. I wanted hope and didn't care for those who had lost it. That's how I started collecting success stories, by the way. I still think DB is the best course of action for those who want to R. It jives with all that I read about relationships and attraction.
The discussions about co-dependency pretty much went over my head in the early days of DB and I never read the book. But I just had a dating experience where I got invested way too much too soon and I wanted to fix the other person. It didn't go over well. I realize that this is one of my patterns and I've ordered the book after all. It also fits with my resolution, at BD, to read one book per year on relationships. One of my biggest regrets is never to have tried to "learn" about being in a relationship before my WW left.
So, if you're looking for me. I'll be here!
The best book I read post-D was How to be an Adult in Relationships. Highly recommended. Also the Five Love Languafes by Chapman.
For a few years after my divorce I kept ending up with men who were unavailable for one reason or another (all lovely men, don't get me wrong, just not able to be full partners). It took me a while to realize that I was choosing them because it was ME that wasn't ready for a real relationship yet.
Once I was finally ready to take that leap, the right guy appeared.
Take your time, don't introduce your kids, remember that dating is about a process to find out IF you're a match....not everyone will be. Don't rush it.
Hello Mozza, I just wanted to welcome you to this new area of the forum. I get what you are saying about newcomers & I also came to feel it wasn't the right place for me any more. I post in the MLC part of the forum now.
It sounds as though you are doing pretty well my friend, and good that you realised about your own approach WRT this recent relationship. Thanks for the book recommendations too guys...I will add those to my list.
Hope you had a good Xmas Mozza, and that you have some nice plans for y=the new year xx
The discussions about co-dependency pretty much went over my head in the early days of DB and I never read the book. But I just had a dating experience where I got invested way too much too soon and I wanted to fix the other person. It didn't go over well. I realize that this is one of my patterns and I've ordered the book after all. It also fits with my resolution, at BD, to read one book per year on relationships.
Yup some of us took way longer to figure that out so you are really ahead of the curve IMHO.
I think we need to fix ourselves before we can be ready to figure out how to move forward.
Remember - Love is a Choice.
I think that has helped me the most in a new relationship.
Welcome, Mozz! It's nice to be around you again!
For a few years after my divorce I kept ending up with men who were unavailable for one reason or another (all lovely men, don't get me wrong, just not able to be full partners). It took me a while to realize that I was choosing them because it was ME that wasn't ready for a real relationship yet.
kml, thanks for this. I'm starting to move away from New Guy and this was really helpful. I'm NOT ready for a real relationship yet -- I don't want the responsibility of another person -- but I am interested in exploring a little bit of closeness. Is there a happy medium where that can happen?
Good to see you hear Mozza and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.
Mozza, welcome to the neighborhood. I'll bring a cake over later.
Thanks kml, Sotto, Cadet, Maybell and SunnyB for the welcome! Looking forward to some cake (friendship and advice).
New Year's Eve is a big deal in my mother's family since before I was born. No one skips this party. We catch up, eat, toast, laugh, play and sing - a lot of singing. Last year, three months post-BD, I did not sing a single note. I couldn't. I went to a separate room to cry a few times. This year, I played guitar for at least 5 hours total, singing my heart out. It was one of the best NYE's in years for me.
This is what I mean by "Mozza's success story".
Good to hear buddy.
And I think it is really nice of you to pay back some of what these boards have given you.
I'm guessing that most people will find their own way out of the misery of S. I trust that almost everyone here is searching for it. But I thought I'd share briefly what I consider to be the top factors in taking me to this good place where I am now.
1. DBing | Looking back, I'm amazed at how much of my behaviour has been informed by DB. The restraint I showed with WW, the focus on getting better and busy, etc. If ever you doubt that DB is the path back into your M, remember that it's your best path out of this hell anyway.
2. Reading about relationships | The books (5 love languages, Models, NMMNG, DR obviously....) have given me a new perspective on relationships and me. Some of their teachings are part of my core now. I wish I knew lot of this earlier.
3. Therapy | Related to #2. I've been going for 15 months and I will continue. It informs my vision of life and myself. I'm surprised at how much it comes up in conversations and private thoughts.
4. Dating | It has put in perspective the absence of WW and even my R with her. It has helped me to see that I don't "need" her, even though I wanted her for a long time. It has shown me options and certainly given me some exciting GAL.
5. Cutting off WW | When I look at sitches with stay-in separations or with constant contacts, I see how difficult it is. Not seeing or talking much to WW has made the memories of her, of us, recede gradually. There's less to miss, less material to fret over ("why did she do that? what did she mean? what should I say?")
I've finally met someone I want to hang on to. It's only been a month, so I'm not saying she's definitely Ms Mozza, but it's the first time since I started dating that I feel ready to commit to someone. I'm glad I dated before because I can tell the difference between wanting to be with anyone and wanting to be with her. It's the first time I feel I don't have to make any compromise: she's my type, she's interesting, she shows clear interest in me.
The main word I use to describe her is "balanced". She seems to have her life together and be comfortable in her own skin. It's reflected in all spheres of her life, and obviously in how she approaches our relationship. She sets the pace and takes her time. She doesn't need to be reassured all the time about how I feel, how she looks, etc. I tell her I like this or that about her and she'll say "Thank you!" Sometimes she'll agree that it's nice, that she likes it too. She's interested in me, she shows several signs, be it touching me or reaching out.
In fact, I'm a bit weirded out by it because with WW I had developed a pattern of going after needy girls with a problem. WW couldn't trust men and I was happy to be trustworthy. I could see why WW needed me. Now, GF is so balanced that I don't see the problem to which I'd be the solution. My IC says that "relationships are symptoms", meaning that they reflect our mental state. So if I found someone balanced, it's a pretty good sign. I'm making efforts not to let my demons tell me that she's too good for me, that she'll find someone better balanced, that she'll find me lacking, etc. I just take a deep breath and tell myself that she likes me, that all is good and to enjoy it while it happens.
Nice post M. We didn't always agree on when to start dating again but there was a ton of mutual respect, and it just goes to show that any approach can work if you go about it right. Really glad to hear. Enjoy and thanks for the update!
You know V is a fan?
Anyway I am still in Newcombers. Firstly my WH isn't MLC just an abuser and secondly the arse wipe has done a bunk so my D petition from last August isn't even acknowledged.!
So Newcombers it is. I get the sadness thing about Newcombers, I really do.
My DB journey has scarce begun.
V
I'm in the mood for weekly updates these days, so here goes.
I had a lovely Valentine's Day. Quite different from last year's where I hung out alone, thinking of WW. This time, I spent it with New Girl, a mere five weeks into knowing each other, and we had a good time. She was back from a 3-day retreat and I brought ingredients to cook dinner at her place. I gave her tickets to a show with a tongue-in-cheek card that read "This shows that I plan to still be with you 3 weeks from now". We've had the "we're exclusive" discussion already but not really the "can I call you my BF/GF?" yet. We're planning a weekend get away two weeks from now, at a cottage with a fireplace and all. It's evolving.
I'm still getting my head around someone who seems so balanced. WW didn't have the same "common sense" as me or most people I know for that matter. But New Girl does and things seem so much simpler. She's also 12 years older than WW was when I met her, so that counts (she's 1 year older than WW). I told her that after my S, I was intent on being better at relationships, that I would be open to talk and try things. It was important for me to state it.
There's almost nothing to say about WW. We communicate in short sentences about the kids. She told me D7 wanted to have new knitting needles so I went and bought them right away. It's rare that I volunteer for these things, in part because I work from home so I don't go near the shops. I paid a short visit to the kids at school. D4 asked who was picking her up and when I said her mom, she said "It's always mommy! I don't want to go with her, I want to go with you!" Honestly, I don't put much into this statement - she's usually happy to see her mom. Maybe she's trying to tell me what she thinks I want to hear. In any case, as my reporting here shows, it was still sweet to hear that she likes to be with me.
Zues126 | Thanks for the visit! You're right, it's important for each person to find their own path out of this hell. It involved a lot of changes and facing fears I had avoided in the past, but obviously it was worth it. And the work-in-progress continues.
Vanilla | I'm a fan too! I'm delighted that you still stop by to say hello. Your resilience is impressive.
How often to you have your kids, Mozz? Is it always Mommy?
My daughter is with me 75-80% of the time. I know she loves me very much, but she gets all "ugh, you again?" because she sees me much more and I pick her up every day from school regardless if it's his night because he gets home from work later. Maybe she does want to see you some more?
I could see why WW needed me. Now, GF is so balanced that I don't see the problem to which I'd be the solution. My IC says that "relationships are symptoms", meaning that they reflect our mental state. So if I found someone balanced, it's a pretty good sign. I'm making efforts not to let my demons tell me that she's too good for me, that she'll find someone better balanced, that she'll find me lacking, etc. I just take a deep breath and tell myself that she likes me, that all is good and to enjoy it while it happens.
Awesome, insightful post, Mozza. I'll pass along some advice that Mach1 gave me when I started dating my new guy, and had those same sort of fears (and new guy and I are
both fixer-conflict-avoiders so it was doubly scary). Mach said to not try to define our R or give it a name, but just to enjoy each other and see where it goes. This sounds promising! Best wishes to you!
I could see why WW needed me. Now, GF is so balanced that I don't see the problem to which I'd be the solution. My IC says that "relationships are symptoms", meaning that they reflect our mental state. So if I found someone balanced, it's a pretty good sign. I'm making efforts not to let my demons tell me that she's too good for me, that she'll find someone better balanced, that she'll find me lacking, etc. I just take a deep breath and tell myself that she likes me, that all is good and to enjoy it while it happens.
Awesome, insightful post, Mozza. I'll pass along some advice that Mach1 gave me when I started dating my new guy, and had those same sort of fears (and new guy and I are
both fixer-conflict-avoiders so it was doubly scary). Mach said to not try to define our R or give it a name, but just to enjoy each other and see where it goes. This sounds promising! Best wishes to you!
That is excellent advice. And we know Mach1 advice is top notch. I struggle with that one sometimes. I realize it doesn't need a title or name. Actions speak way louder. Enjoy your new R, it's in the lovely early stages!
Ginger1 | We share the kids 50-50 since the beginning. If anything, they see me a bit more, because of adjustments for holidays and the likes. In this particular case, it may have just been a matter of spending the previous 4 days with her mom. She misses both of us, so when she sees me during her mom's week, it may feel like she misses me more. Anyway, I don't think there's much to read into it.
RosaLinda | Thanks! Indeed, all my energy goes into going with the flow without over-analyzing! But it feels like I'm missing half the fun!
Good Stuff Mozza. That sounds promising and fun. I'm happy for you.
Last Thursday, I finally received the tax paper I was waiting for and now we can do the last stretch of the D proceedings. I didn't waste a day and wrote to WW after putting the kids to bed. We'll complete the mediation agreement, send it to a lawyer, then to court. I don't dread it anymore. In fact, I almost relish it. I'm still upset at the D, in that I disagreed with BD, but I take it as a given and irreversible. So there's a part of me that's throwing these papers at her: "Here's the D you wanted. Happy, now? I don't care." For the longest time, I didn't want to take charge of it, but now I say: bring it on. I'll get this done, I'll cut this link to the past. I'm also a little pleased it's happening 1.5 year after BD and OM. Their honeymoon must be over and while she may not want to R, she might have a slightly more realistic idea of who he is, and what's a serious relationship like.
Increasingly, I see WW as a 10-year period in my life. She's no longer my defining partner who's left me incomplete. She's just someone who came and went, leaving me two kids I adore. I wish I didn't have to deal with her forever, but I will. She keeps reaching out with small stuff, like yet another email about a good podcast she thought I'd love. I kept it in my inbox for a week, then realized I would never listen to it, so I just archived it.
Much more interesting and productive for me is building something with New Girl. Still too early to know if she's the one, but there are no red flags so far. We spent the week-end at a cottage, bringing groceries, wine, guitar, music... I'm grateful to have this in my life. Just last Friday, D4 came in my bed a bit early and we had a good giggle -- it's no so easy to make a 4 yo laugh heartily without tickling! I can't think of a single thing that isn't right in my life right now. What a journey!
Mozz,
I see you are doing well. Really happy for you!
Rock on!
Wow my man. What a journey you have been on... Congrats on finishing the last chapter and writing the next one!
I ran into WW in the street tonight and we had our longest conversation in the last six months, that is a total of 2 minutes. She crossed the street to come talk to me. She told me about sending me some emails about the D and then complained about work yet again, trying to keep it light. I interrupted her to say I had gotten her father's invite for lunch next month and then we parted way. I was on my way to the gym.
I didn't feel a thing, except perhaps a little bit of annoyance, like when you meet an acquaintance for whom you don't have time. I responded to the D emails immediately after getting home.
Enough of this WW thing. She'll be known STBX from now on. I will no longer define her by how she left me, but by her upcoming status as my ex, which is where my focus is.
Did you ever think you could feel so coldly towards someone who you would have given up everything for not that long ago? I didn't.
I wonder if it's time for an updated tag line for you, Mozza? You've got your fire started...
Maybell brings up an interesting point. I'd love to hear Mozza's answer.
So happy for you Mozza, glad things are going so well for you and New Girl.
And you're right the honeymoon period will be well and truly over for STBX and OM, but that's for her to deal with.
Take care
Big week.
STBX has lost her job. It was a question of time and even she knew it. She called me 20 minutes after it happened. She didn't seem flummoxed at the time, but I expect that it will sink in. It means she won't be working with OM anymore but also that she'll lose the only social network she hd since she left me.
The hairy part is that I'm her (immigration) sponsor, meaning that I'm responsible until late June for any expense the government incurs for her, namely unemployment insurance in this case. So if she claims it, I will have to repay the government for it. So not only am I paying the apartment alone since she left, but I'll have to pay for their love nest, their meals and activities. It's an amount in the thousands for which I'd have to dig into my savings. Again. The D cost me tens of thousands already. I'd be legally bound to pay it, but given that her parents are well-off, I'd hope that they'll step in. If it gets there, I'll suggest to her that it borders on outrageous that she would make me bear the consequences of her choices once again. If she were with me, sure I'd pay for everything. But she left me for OM. Maybe he could pay... (he can't). Of course, STBX is turning to me to help her figure out her situation, because I'm a citizen here and more familiar with the ins and outs of the programs. Bleh.
Also, much progress on the D front. Ironically, STBX sent the final mediation agreement to the lawyer 15 minutes before getting fired. We've made some progress since then, but the lawyer has proven incompetent again by getting some stuff wrong in the final version. She even prepared the court paper, which we didn't ask her to do (STBX email was ambiguous however). I've some stuff to review and maybe we'll be able to finish mediation this week or next, and then hire a lawyer for the D papers. I expect that the topic of money will be even touchier now.
And tonight, I did research to book a week under the sun in late April with New Girl.
I forgot: it was D8's birthday today! We've been celebrating all week-end, touring friends and family in two cities. And tonight, I hosted three of her friends. I had decorated the house yesterday with yellow and white balloons and pink ribbons. All very cool. When I asked her what she wanted to do with her friends, she said that she wanted me to play with them. Awww... So I did the limbo, DJ, dance, Simon says... The tally of the evening includes two pizzas, one cake, 20 sparklers, one burn, 5 fire alarms and one girly conference in the bathroom. Of course, D8 was really happy about it all and she told me. And New Girl was quite impressed with it all (I told her; she never met the kids) and said I was a "cool dad".
Yesterday, I spent the morning in D4's classroom for a workshop with parents -- only two of us showed up, and not even STBX who is unemployed. I like to see her evolve amongst her classmates - I learn new things about her. Then I took both of them to the doctor at lunch time, which involved bus rides, eating lasagna in the waiting room, and me not eating until the whole ordeal was over at around 3 pm... They behaved very well.
So it's been an intense few days with the kids, and I'm very proud of how it turned out so far. School is off on Friday (Easter) and we'll celebrate D8 again until STBX picks her up at 5 pm. I can't deny that I'm looking forward to some rest on Friday evening! Well, I should be seeing NG...
Happy Birthday to D8, Mozza! Mine turned 8 as well a few days ago - and I somehow was foolish enough to let her have a pajama party. Your way sounds much better!
That certainly stings that you are on the hook for your ex's unemployment. Are you going to wait until the subject comes up or have an upfront talk with her about it - I say this with curiosity as the person who never has a frank discussion with my ex about anything.
I hope you have a lovely vacation with NG. I find having something to look forward to really helps my mindset. My ex MIL (need to come up with a better name for her) and I are going to take my girls to the big island of Hawaii this summer and I find myself doing a little happy research every night.
Really glad things are going so will with you these days - Mozza!
Did you ever think you could feel so coldly towards someone who you would have given up everything for not that long ago? I didn't.
Good question Maybel and I've been thinking much about it. My conclusion is that I don't feel so coldly about her after all. I still have very strong feelings but I bottle them up. The main one is anger at the moment. I still want her to recognize that she was wrong, very wrong and that she screwed up big time by leaving. On the other hand, I think I'll always have a weakness for her. I loved her so much, I want to believe her, but my head tells me I've been fooled twice already. So what I do is get her out of my head and life. I try not to think about her and for as little as possible when I have to. I do believe though that in the long run, I'll be mostly indifferent to her.
The other reason is New Girl: she's there with me and she deserves the mind share. I never talk about STBX with her and not even the D procedures. The main positive that I hadn't anticipated: less drama for me as well! I talk and think about fun stuff with NG instead.
I wonder if it's time for an updated tag line for you, Mozza? You've got your fire started...
Ha! My quote is actually my message for those who read me. It's a call to fight our way out of the heartbreak. To let go and free ourselves. That's what I'm doing.
Thanks for your visit, raliced!
That certainly stings that you are on the hook for your ex's unemployment. Are you going to wait until the subject comes up or have an upfront talk with her about it - I say this with curiosity as the person who never has a frank discussion with my ex about anything.
I can't talk to my STBX either. I avoid contacts as much as possible and it pains me to know that I'll have to interact forever. Looking inside, I think I'm trying to punish her by ignoring her -- it's painful to be ignored and she ignored me a lot before and during BD. I might be getting back at her for that. Otherwise, as I said above, I'd rather starve any emotion I have for her and certainly don't want to express the anger I have towards her.
So, no, I'm not going to talk about it with her until she figures it out and makes a proposal. I don't want to create a preemptive fight, in case she has the wisdom to avoid asking me for money. She already laid the ground for such a request however, telling me that she needs the money. I'll have to respond in writing to choose my words carefully... My short point will be: I'll have to dig into my savings to pay you, why don't you dig into your own?
Bu something happened yesterday: she made a mistake that created a 500$ bill with the mediation lawyer. She recognized her error and offered to pay the bill. I suspect that are parents are paying for the D. She just lost her job and was always tight, so I can't imagine she has an extra 500$ for this.
I hope you have a lovely vacation with NG. I find having something to look forward to really helps my mindset. My ex MIL (need to come up with a better name for her) and I are going to take my girls to the big island of Hawaii this summer and I find myself doing a little happy research every night.
Absolutely: I'm not a fan of surprises precisely because I prefer to revel in the anticipation. I just booked the vacation a month in advance and I'll be dreaming of sea, sand, sun and a certain girl in a bikini (or not) until then. Hawaii is a great destination! It's where I got engaged and NG has been twice already and really wants to go back. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time!
Quasi-weekly update.
The mediation is over. We have the signed agremment. Now it's up to STBX to contact the lawyer we chose last summer. Her father is visiting from abroad, so I expect some delays. I can't wait for the papers though. One less thing to deal with.
We had a bit of a tense (by our standards) email exchange about an insurance amount that ended up with her telling me "I think we've established that what's obvious to you isn't for me, so just tell me what you want. Thanks" Sounds like a burn, if the exchange was about what I wanted, but it was about clarifying insurance eligibility that came from her job... It would be petty to explain in details but I bring it up because it reminded me of things about her that annoyed me greatly when we were together, and as the pain of S dissipates, it sort of feels good to remember those things and feel that they are behind us (mostly). I also bring it up because I feel my DB-levels of patience wearing off with her. I remind myself that DBing is mostly about me and that I've nothing to gain from being difficult. I didn't reply to her email, by the way.
Oh, I've decided to suspend my IC sessions. It's been 1.5 year, nonstop, once a week. I simply feel that I'm in a good enough place now, that these sessions have given me tools to navigate my life, and that I can take a break for a few weeks or months. I plan to see him again though, when I feel the need.
I had lunch with ex-FIL. We didn't mention the S even once, except maybe when he said "Oh well, life goes on" when we parted ways. We talked about the kids, his business, my job, his travels, the world, etc. I think this annual meeting is appropriate.
Not much to report about New Girl. Everything is fine, we spend time together when we can, we get to know each other and to become more comfortable with each other. It could go either way and I'm still not sure if we'll be together forever, 10 years or 10 weeks. I try not to worry about it.
I hate having an ex with such a permanent connection. Hats off to you for navigating this with so much clarity. I still let myself get all spun up.
I like your attitude towards New Girl too. Keep on moving forward!
Thanks Maybell!
On Monday, I felt down like I hadn't in at least six months. It could have to do with the fact that I spent some five minutes with STBX and the kids in front of my apartment the evening before (she was bringing them back after a special dinner with their visiting grandpa). It felt a bit like a family again, the four of us; a little weird but not bad. But the following morning, I was back in a post-BD state. I couldn't be bothered with work, couldn't even read the news and a whole set of feelings and behaviors that I had at the time. I went back to bd after dropping the kids at school and an hour later, I received an email from her about the lawyer's appointment. It will be our first of only two meetings, the one where we bring our papers and present the situation.
Then at midnight, she sent an email asking if I wanted to meet for a coffee before the lawyer's appointment. I was nervous because I thought she might want to tell me she'd spend a few weeks or months in her home country, given that she recently lost her job and her father is getting a serious operation. I agreed to meet, for the first time in over a year. Curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to get it over with. Also, I'm not as emotional as I used to be.
Turns out that she wanted to tell me that her parents bought her a condo (I told you they're well off) around here. She was somewhat worried it would get split in the D (it won't). It was good news for me because it means she has more roots here. She did say however that she intends to go back to her home region eventually. Her new condo is still a few minutes away from my apartment and near enough the school (12 minutes walk). She has a decorator redoing the place before moving in next month. Nice for someone who just lost her job... Oh and when talking about D4, she mentioned that she had no intention whatsoever of having another child. It's a possibility, given that OM is 30.
So after that meeting, I was suddenly feeling good. I guess it goes to show that my focus is on me (and the kids) and that I don't want to R one bit. These were good news for me (less threat of a move abroad) and a confirmation that her couple is serious (moving together again). This being said, a D and shared custody are big failures that still make me sad.
The meting with the lawyer is tomorrow afternoon.
How did the lawyer appt go?
Thanks Maybell. Emotionally, there's practically nothing to report. I cried a little in bed the night before, thinking about something D4 said earlier this week: "Your lover is mommy and she will return here." It breaks my heart that she still hopes for R she's never mentioned it before and I wonder if she suffers more than she shows.
On the day of the appointment, I was fine and even productive. The appointment was late afternoon and went pretty much like a mortgage approval meeting. It was all facts and forms. The lawyer seemed competent, if not impressive. On the way out, STBX and I walked together for perhaps 20 minutes. She showed me the building of her newly-bought condo. We talked about some financial matters, the kids, etc. We'll get the paperwork in the coming days, will check it for accuracy and could sign it all next week.
All quiet on the Western front.
The signature of the D papers was postponed because our lawyer was bedridden. Too bad, I really wanted to be done with it before leaving on holiday with New Girl. It is now scheduled a couple of days after I return. Oh well.
I've decided to pay her unemployment benefits. Legally, I had no choice. I made my moral case to her and she rejected it. I talked with my best friend who made me realize that it was a lost battle so I was better to just pay and move on.
The signature of the D papers took about 20 minutes. STBX and I talked about the payment methods before and then about D8's homework afterwards. Her bike was awaiting her outside the office, she said "That's my ride", and I just said "OK bye" and kept walking. The signature part was all business. STBX had brought her own flashy pink pen though, the kind with multiple ink colors. She was intent on using it. I don't know why. I just used the lawyer's pen.
I had envisioned this moment tens of time in the year following the S. It was all very theatrical: I would imagine asking people to leave the office to let me have a good cry as I was dragging the pen on the paper, as if it were a carving in rock. Ha! To be honest, my hurry in getting it signed and showing no emotion was a bit theatrical in its own way. But it reflected where I stand, as I'm just a tad upset and want it to be over. Now, we're just awaiting the court papers.
She now says that the government might pay her unemployment benefits, but I doubt it. The immigration forms were very clear about my responsibilities and their duration. Anyway, I've written off this money already. I admit that not having to pay would be a big win, because it wouldn't cost me a cent and I would keep the moral high ground! People around me can't believe she dares asking me for more money after what she's done.
I had an excellent week in the sun with New Girl. We had a couple of deeper discussions. Mostly, our rhythms are different: I'm ready to plunge and she's had many false starts in love, so she's more cautious. In general, I'm the one adapting and letting her progress at her own pace. After we returned, I officially invited her to a friend's wedding this summer and she accepted. We also started talking about introducing her to the kids. It's been four months, so I think we're getting there without having rushed it.
Her father was recently diagnosed with inoperable tumors in his lungs. He's now awaiting tests to know if it's cancer, but it doesn't look good. It's giving a new dimension to our R as we deal with something more serious. I've seen her cry for the first time, as she worries about it. I try to be supportive and mostly to listen.
I just traveled for work and drummed up a lot of business. It gives me a good boost of motivation.
That's my update!
The signature of the D papers took about 20 minutes. STBX and I talked about the payment methods before and then about D8's homework afterwards. Her bike was awaiting her outside the office, she said "That's my ride", and I just said "OK bye" and kept walking. The signature part was all business. STBX had brought her own flashy pink pen though, the kind with multiple ink colors. She was intent on using it. I don't know why. I just used the lawyer's pen.
I had envisioned this moment tens of time in the year following the S. It was all very theatrical: I would imagine asking people to leave the office to let me have a good cry as I was dragging the pen on the paper, as if it were a carving in rock. Ha! To be honest, my hurry in getting it signed and showing no emotion was a bit theatrical in its own way. But it reflected where I stand, as I'm just a tad upset and want it to be over. Now, we're just awaiting the court papers.
Mozza- It's hard to believe that almost two years ago - I thought I would do anything to avoid that moment. In the end - I simply took them into a notary to sign and then almost forgot the day they were due to be presented to the judge. I didn't have to be there and at one point in my workday I realized it had been finalized that day.
Seriously, though, a flashy pink pen with multiple colors? Sounds EXACTLY like the one I got my 8 year old for Christmas.
When you say new girl has had false starts - has she been married? Or has it never gotten that far?
Glad your vacation went well.
Well, New Girl and I are on a break now. It's her own initiative. I'm down, but I've seen much worse, as you all know. Is this a way to break up, softly? Perhaps, even if she seems honest about wanting some space to think (for 3 weeks). At this point, I'm trying to use the hard earned lessons of the S and D to deal with it: give her space, focus on myself, have fun, etc. It's mostly out of my hands and it's a good opportunity for myself to reflect on the R and if it was satisfying for me as well.
When you say new girl has had false starts - has she been married? Or has it never gotten that far?
It has never gotten that far. After a 4-year relationship in her late 20s, she's been in relationships that lasted 6 to 12 months for the last 6-7 years. Apparently, I'm about to be another one of these.
Hi Mozza, I'm sorry to hear about you and NG. Hope things work out in a way that you are happy with. You are quite right to go back to self focus and having fun. Interesting about the previous pattern of R's for the last while - I wonder why that is?
Yes, it's a useful time to have a think about whether it was truly satisfying for you and what you want going forwards too.
Take care and keep posting if we can help xx
Stay strong buddy, learn to thrive in the face of it all...
Mozza, I'm sorry that's how it's playing out for now. I'm not sure what to wish for you, so I'll just send you comfort and wish for the best.
Sorry to hear about the sitch with NG. Agree with sotto that NG's R patterns may be something that warrants attention.
(((Mozza)))
Thanks all for the show of support. I've my ups and downs. Usually, I'm down throughout the day, I can even cry a little and barely work, and then I'm back up in the evening and the future seems bright, with or without NG. I'm a night owl and this is a reminder that, in the end, we're all a bunch of neurons and hormones...
We've exchanged one text on Friday (a week ago) and it's been silence ever since. I think it's the best I can do at the moment, since she's asked for some space and I told her that I'd speak with my actions (is this contradictory?). I admit that staying in the waiting period for another two weeks appears a long stretch. I've to learn to be more patient. In the meantime, I made exciting plans: went out of town with a friend in a convertible on Monday, had lunch with my best friend on Tuesday, going to see a friend 3 hours away this week-end, etc.
I've had a frustrating exchange with STBX last week-end, where she refused an expense apparently because I had not phrased my text as a question, but as a statement ("You're not consulting me!"). It made my blood boil because she was splitting hair, but I managed to mostly keep it under wrap, not without telling her "Are you serious? Please don't do this, it's not good for our cordial arrangement". The following day, I asked her to clarify why she was refusing the expense and she agreed that I was right.
Mostly, it made me think about how we resolve our conflicts in a relationship. When it happened, I was ready for battle. A day later, I was in a much better place, if still a little frustrated. My goal was to get an agreement on this type of expense and I achieved it. When we were together, I would never have waited 24 hours and it would have escalated? What for? Nothing. Working to avoid conflicts with STBX is teaching me as much about relationships than being with her did.
Mozza, sorry about NG. I hope it works out for the best in the end.
Learning to focus on the end goal is a valuable skill. I try to keep that in mind, and it's something I'm trying to teach my children. My teenage girls aren't quite picking up on that yet...
NG and I had drinks together a week ago, at her request, and we discussed our relationship. She says that while I check all of her boxes, she doesn't seem to be falling in love (I'm paraphrasing) after four months. She's worried about taking it further. She says and she told me something alike before that I go too fast through the steps and she fells trapped into a relationship. I brought up the "girlfriend/boyfriend" moniker a month into our R, said ILY after two months, organize a trip abroad after 3 months, etc. Now, after four months, I was ready to introduce her to the kids and she backed up. I'm glad she did under the circumstances. I acknowledged that I had been too fast for her (she says herself that it's not that I've been objectively too fast) and that it might explain why she was holding back emotionally. At the end, she said she was glad we got to talk and I agreed.
I've been thinking about the relationship too. I didn't feel like I was going too fast: once I'm exclusive with someone, it's normal to talk about "bf/gf", I said ILY to STBX a month after we started dating and I was still loving her 10 years later. Four months before seeing the kids seemed reasonable. Part of me wants to go on because I like her. Part of me would prefer to end it if she's not enthusiastic about me. It means that the ball remains in her court: will she come back and offer an MO where she's comfortable? Will she says it's hopeless? I'm worried that if we stay together, I'll have to hold back and not be myself. Not contact her when I want to, not touch her when I want to, not compliment her when it crosses my mind, etc. This is the reason why I expect to be at peace if she says it just doesn't work: I wouldn't want to live like this. I want to be enthusiastic, to love and be loved.
Her father was receiving the results of his biopsy last Friday likely to be inoperable lung cancer. Her MBA class is ending on Tuesday with a final test. On Wednesday she is the organizer of an event for 200 people. Thursday, she undergoes a small hand surgery. No wonder she wants a little time. This is not all about me.
My mood is mostly fine. I've only had a bad day last week. The rest of the time, I'm at peace with either courses of action, although I expect to take a hit if the relationship ends.
Nice to hear from you buddy...
Perhaps you were to clingy and you scared the squirrel a bit. I understand you and I truly wish you all the best.
Easy does it...
Hey Mozza,
I'm sorry about you and NG. You said you told her that you said "ILY" after 2 months with her. Did she say it back?
I am also an all- type of girl when I am ready to be. When I get there, I get there. It's who I am. I don't want to be someone I am not, but I do understand not everyone is like that, but it doesn't mean we can't have afulfilling R when the time is right for the both of us. My exNG said ILY first after 2 months. My ex H- 2 YEARS! I met exBF's daughter after 2 months and he met mine after 4 (I am pretty strict about that, he was the first ever in 8 years). I understand why that would make her nervous and I respect her for backing off with that. It's a HUGE step, and if she is unsure about the future, it's the right thing to do. It's been since March, and my exNG's daughter talks about me all the time, my D misses him, and it hasn't been easy for any of us.
Another question..... in the time line of event you gave, who led them all? Did she lead on anyone of those? Is it possible she was going along with it? Not that she didn't care or feel the same way, but sometimes, letting the other lead gives them some space and control and gives you a better understanding of where they are.
Maybe let her lead a little and perhaps she will feel more comfortable. give her the time she needs with all of that going on.
And it really is true, if it's meant to be, it will be, hang in there!
I'm feeling like I'm on the other side of you, Mozz, on the speed of the relationship. I was happy to be exclusive with New Guy. With time constraints and my generally conservative nature, I find it easier to see one person at a time. With my history with Mr. Fantastic, too, I am more comfortable being exclusive -- no wondering what he's up to.
That being said, I'm in no rush to hear ILY. I think I do love him... I think he does love me... but there is some weight to those words that I fear a little bit and I'd really rather watch and see how things go before I make that commitment. What expectations attach to saying ILY on his side? What does he think I expect after hearing those words? What does that mean to my kids? How does that change our dynamic? Frankly, things have been in enough flux for me that I just want to see them settle down and find where our mutual comfort zone is before I see where those three weighty words send us.
ALSO, and this may actually be relevant to your NG... Mr. Fantastic said ILY at 6 WEEKS and I said it back, and meant it. But we really didn't know each other at all, and that was 20 years younger. Last night my New Guy said he thought he understood me pretty well, and it grated a little. How can he, when I don't necessarily understand myself? How can he, when he doesn't really fathom the wound Mr. Fantastic left on me -- and in some cases, when I'm still processing through the implications of his actions myself? All that being said... I think that I really do love him... but I'm not sure what it means and I want the opportunity to sort that out with him when we are alone together. The complications of factoring the kids, etc. into our relationship are more than I can handle all in one fell swoop. Maybe your New Girl feels similarly, especially with everything else she has going on?
I'm sorry she backed away. You deserve someone who is enthusiastic about you. Someone who makes you learn things about yourself and who learns just from being together with you. I hope you find her at exactly the right time.
Thanks a lot for your reactions. NG texted yesterday that her father does have cancer and some two years left, with chemo. I'm sure she's very affected by it.
Vapo | Indeed, I probably scared the squirrel.
Ginger1 | Yes, you're right: if it's meant to be, it will happen. That's why I'm at peace with both options: if she wants to end it, then it wasn't strong enough anyway and I'm not missing out on anything. And no, she never said ILY back. In fact, she still thinks I said it too early. At the time, she said that she couldn't say it since she knew so little of me. A week ago, we talked about how we have different thresholds: for me, I say (and feel) it when I know enough that I want to push ahead with someone. For her, it's after she gathers this information that she feels comfortable saying it.
Maybell | I've been seeing things from her perspective more since we had the discussion and I now understand why I went too fast for her. I'm surprised that you and New Guy haven't said it yet, which speaks mostly about me. I realize more what it means, especially for people like her who had several short-term, failed relationships. She told me she heard it in the past and then the guy was gone within a month.
I feel selfish thinking about our relationship while her father was just diagnosed with cancer. But life goes on and that's my life. I plan to meet with her this week-end to continue, or end, the discussion.
Mozza, I had never before understood the value of "taking a break" and for those of us who were fans of the tv show "Friends", it's somewhat of a joke. However, I have been reading your posts with interest, and I now think maybe I need a "break" from MyNica. Actually cutting it off seems beyond my ability at the moment, but maybe stepping back for a couple of weeks will allow us both to evaluate what exactly we each bring to each others lives and if it's worth continuing to fight so hard for.
I'm glad you are at peace with the way things are going for you right now, that really all any of us can as for.
It's over with New Girl. She's just not that into me.
After the 3-week break, we got together for a talk. We ended up spending 3.5 hours together, and even having dinner at a nearby restaurant after we broke up... We talked about what went wrong. Mostly, it comes down to chemistry. It's hard to define. She just doesn't feel and it and I know what she's talking about. She thought she could settle, but we both deserve better and I agree.
When I asked her if there were specific turn offs about me, she said that I still mention my ex too often. I was surprised, but I did not argue with her. She said that my ex doesn't matter to her, it's the past, she's here and now, she's planning the future. I mention it here because we, LBS, might not realize how much we mention it. I would say that for me it was perhaps 1-2 times a day (am I underestimating?) but on the other side, it makes for the constant presence of the other person.
I had a talk with my perceptive bio mom who told me that I was not over STBX, visibly. She could hear it in the way that I talk about her, even angrily. I'm shaken by that. It's probably true: I haven't digested most of the D. I'm still bitter, I've strong feelings of aversion for STBX, I'm afraid of still loving her, etc. I've been denying it for 8 months, but now's a good time to reflect on this.
My bio mom also told me something of relevance to this forum: I was applying today to NG solutions to problems I had with STBC in the past. The best example is that STBX told me when she left that she was surprised to realize I loved her so much. So I decided I should be more communicative about my love. But then, it was overwhelming for NG, who thought it stank of emotional desperation. So what can we learn from our D that will apply to the future, to new people? It might not be so obvious.
I'm doing fine. I feel the weight of the bad news, but I'm not overly sad. I've spent 3 weeks preparing for this and most of my crying is done. I agree that there was something off between us. I just thought it would get better. But if she's not into me, I don't want to be with her anyway.
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SunnyB | Wow, I didn't expect my experience to be an inspiration. I'm not sure what there is to learn from the break, but I would say that it truly was a moment of reflection for both of us and that it was better than she's forging ahead, even if I'm sad at the moment that we broke up.
Hi Mozza,
I am sorry to hear that things didn't work out between you and NG. I applaud your courage for putting yourself out there again in a new R. I am dipping my toes, and then I get tired of having my toes wet. Maybe I am not done with healing. Maybe I will never be in another R. Like you, by this time, if someone's not that into me, I don't want to invest my feelings and time in them too.
Your bio mom is very perceptive and you are too. I am sure your takeaways will serve you well in your future Rs.
... and this is why you do not date for at least a year and a half after D...
Stay strong buddy, work on yourself, learn to enjoy to be single, only then will you attract true love in your life...
Vapo: Gloating, really?
I've no regrets about dating NG (like I do marrying STBX). I've had very good times with her, went on a couple of vacations, had a few nights out, good discussions and meals, sex, cuddles and movies, etc. Life is a contact sport. It's over with her, too bad, but I'm pulling through it and learning from it. I won't put the pressure on any woman that she has to be "the love of my life". I'll let it happen and when it doesn't last, I'll appreciate what I got. When it's a good match, it will last longer, maybe forever. I look forward to my next relationship.
No mate, no gloating, really none at all. I too know that sometimes the desire for a feminine touch was overwhelming. I tried dating, I tried to force myself to "connect" but forcing is not good enough. One should not have to force himself in to the matters of love. So I gave myself a chance, to be myself. And I am loving it. I do not try to force myself into a relationship just so I can say I am in one. I'd rather it just "happen".
So I go hiking, I go biking, I go white water rafting, I go globe trotting, sometimes by myself, sometimes not and I am loving it and if I find love that would be awesome and if I do not, I know I will be just fine. The last thing I want is to get out of a crappy marriage and into a crappy relationship. Rather by myself than in a crappy relationship, that is sort of my motto these days...
Stay well buddy,
V
Mozza, I'm sorry things didn't work out with NG but I'm sure you'll meet someone else soon and the chemistry will be perfect. It sounds like you'll have a lot of fun searching!
Interesting that she said you mentioned your ex too much. This is a worry for me too as whenever I'm out with friends that's all we end up talking about - there always seems to be a drama.
Anyway thanks so much for your interesting post on my thread, you're right as always.
Take care xx
Mozza- I could swear I left a post 4 or 5 days ago - but it seems to have disappeared. Drat - it was one I wrote in a rare moment of silence and was more put together than usual. Oh well...
FWIW, while it sounds like you are doing well, I'm still sorry about NG, as I had the impression that was not the outcome you were hoping for.
And about this..
I had a talk with my perceptive bio mom who told me that I was not over STBX, visibly. She could hear it in the way that I talk about her, even angrily. I'm shaken by that. It's probably true: I haven't digested most of the D. I'm still bitter, I've strong feelings of aversion for STBX, I'm afraid of still loving her, etc. I've been denying it for 8 months, but now's a good time to reflect on this.
I'm sorry you felt shaken by this revelation - but I can't say I'm surprised. Like most things that involve humans, I suppose there is a range of the time needed to heal from such a primal rejection, but I'm sure that for many it is a pretty significant length of time. And there are some, like you, who seem to be able to work on it, while still dating other people - and I admire that. Personally, I'm quite sure that if I tried to date now, it would be more about trying to prove something to my bruised ego instead of enhancing my life - so I think it's wiser for me to wait. Kudos to you for being able to move ahead.
Glad to read your updates.
I find your experience very enlightening. And it seems as if there are many positive lessons to learn within your recent posts.
And I'm with Vapo... Go whitewater rafting or kayaking! Nothing gets you into your body or mind like those experiences.
Routine update...
I went to a wedding this weekend, the second marriage of a friend. I had attended the first too. I didn't think much about my own failed marriage. I wasn't sad, nor cynical. It was beautiful and I was honored to make a short speech.
Last week, I had to sign some D papers again because our lawyer had made a minor error. When I arrived, it turned out that STBX had gone earlier in the day to sign. I was a tad upset she didn't tell me, but then again I focused on the positive result, which was not seeing her.
I had a bit of a tense text exchange with STBX on Friday. I thought I was right but after reflection, I just texted "sorry" and she said "no problem and thanks for letting me know". I only wanted to move on and it worked.
She wrote me about her small health problem again. I'm not sure why she updates me on this. Perhaps because when it first came up, she feared it would be a bigger issue and now she feels she has to keep me up to date. I can't say it bothers me. I replied politely.
I saw D8 with OM at the pool but they didn't see me and I avoided them. I feel guilty avoiding my daughter to avoid him. Another sign I'm not over it.
I'm back on the dating scene. I have flashbacks of last year, before I met ex-New Girl. It's fun and I feel that I'm getting better at it, but it doesn't mean it's not work. It's like the gym: it's always efforts, even if you practice.
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Vapo | Thanks for the clarification. It sounds like you know what's good for you and that dating is not really in the picture until you find the right one. I quite agree about avoiding crappy relationships...
stacey9 | Thanks! I usually prefer to avoid talking about STBX. This weekend, I ended up talking more than usual about her because I met friends who supported me at BD and that I hadn't seen since. I was keen to share my experience with them, but then I felt the presence of BD and STBX for days afterwards. Also, I think people sense our pain and resentment more than we realize when we talk about it, even "neutrally".
raliced | I'm sorry your thoughtful post disappeared! You're right that it should be obvious that I can't be over it all in less than two years. I've been looking for a way to describe this intermediate stage, after the paralyzing pain but before it's all digested. I'm no longer controlled by the S, but I've to admit it's still on my mind. A friend told me he took 3 years to get over a 5-year relationship and yet he was the one who left.
mahhhty | I'm glad my experience can be an inspiration! That's one major reason to share life post-D and I learn a lot reading others too. And I'm not a water kind of guy so I'll have to look for other activities!
1) When will she stop being STBX? I think you need to rename her. You've got a relationship after her under your belt and she's still only "soon-to-be" ex? She IS ex in all but the law. Move her someplace else in your mental space.
2) Why were you disappointed she didn't tell you she was signing early? I feel like you're still looking for some acknowledgement from her. You will not get it. People rarely feel shame or even much guilt unless something compels them to. Nothing is compelling her to consider her actions wrong. See 1) above.
3) AVOIDED YOUR CHILD??? Mozz, is that who you want to be? I'm so disappointed in you. What if she saw you trying to avoid her but you didn't realize it? Do you want to deal those hurts? Pull on your big girl panties, man!!! You can look straight through OM like he's not even there and greet your daughter like the precious gem she is. He's nothing. I know this can be done because I've done it and it made me stronger. I hope you never pull cr@p like that again. Genghis Khan himself shouldn't come between you and your children.
You're not ready to date till you're not even tempted to act like that. You don't have to like the guy but for sure don't give him (or the ex) that kind of power in your life. Move on first. Then date.
1) You're right Maybell! I've been saying here that the paperwork doesn't matter, we are D, yet I still wait for the paperwork to update her status. She'll be XW from now on. I've updated my signature too: she's gone and so is OM.
2) I'm afraid you're right that I will not get an acknowledgement from her and it's something I'm yet to fully accept, but I'm heading there. XW can't apologize for the slightest thing so I can't wait for an apology for the D and how it happened.
3) Fine, you're right. I shouldn't let my feelings towards OM override those I have for my kids. Thanks, I needed this.
As for dating, I'm afraid that train has left the station. I don't see dating as I used to and probably not like most people here. I now see it as finding people who want the same thing as you, and that goes from one-night-stands to lifelong commitments. For many things along this spectrum, there's no need to be entirely emotionally available for it to be fully satisfying to all involved.
"there is no need to be entirely emotionally available for it to be satisfying to all involved"
Yeah....... I don't know about that. Unless you are looking for nothing more than a hook up partner, and so is she, clearly stated and shown by her actions.
it's rarely the case though. I dated those not fully emotionally available and I instead tried to talk myself into thinking I was in the same boat and wanted the same things as them, hoping they would come around. It happens more often than you think. Certainly wasn't mutually satisfying.
When doing this, please remain very open with the person you are dating, that you are not fully emotionally available.
You have dropped the Love bomb without being fully emotionally available. I can tell you from first hand experience how utterly confusing and hurtful this can be. Your last GF I think may have saw through the fact you said it, but was still not completely there. I believe you can mean you do love someone, but if you can't give it to it's full capacity, it shouldn't be said. IMHO.
I say enjoy yourself, but just watch out for those on the other end:)
Thanks for your input Ginger1. I'm truly sorry that your experiences on the dating scene were difficult, from what I read. I understand that it's painful, especially after a D.
The last year has taught me that there are many variations between one-night-stands and lifelong commitments. At breakup, ex-NG herself told me that she's not looking for a lifelong partner, that spending 10 years with someone would be a great ride. I just read the dating profile of a woman who's leaving the country this fall and would like someone to spend the summer with. Others are very clear about looking only for sex, or only for lifelong commitments, or stuff in between.
To me, what is great about this new dating life is being honest. It's amazing how it eases relationships and helps get what you want. I know for a fact that ex-NG was not hurt by my love bomb: she was put off. We talked about it.
The flip side is that everyone has to keep their expectations in check. Relationships evolve slowly, as I was reminded with ex-NG. Also, believe people when they say what they want.
It was my antiversary yesterday. How could I forget: everybody was saying "Never forget 9/11"
How do I feel after two years? Very good, but scarred. And that bothers me. My life goes on and well, but I still feel defined by my separation, as if I was the victim of a great injustice and no longer the person I'm supposed to be. In my head, I still do stuff "despite the D", "because of the D", or even "thanks to the D", etc. For instance, before the D I would think "Isn't it amazing to take the kids to the museum!" and now, deep down, I know that I think "Isn't it amazing that I take the kids to a museum despite being a single parent! My XW doesn't do such marvelous things for the kids!"
I want to get over that. I don't have to be defined by my D. I'm so much more than that, and XW doesn't even deserve so much importance. So that's my next goalpost: to regain control over my motivations in life. To forget about my separation as an explaining or motivating factor for my actions.
Here's where I was
a year ago.
It was my antiversary yesterday and the first few hours weren't easy. I was quite emotional about dropping off the kids at school for the week. I didn't like the symbol of my failed marriage and my part-time parenting. I've never thought it would be me and sometimes I still have a hard time accepting that it is my life. I went back at lunch time to drop some stuff for D7 and held them both in my arms. D3 asked why I had tears in my eyes and I eluded the question. The afternoon and evening were better, but my productive streak is over.
I didn't cry about the D on my antiversary, but I did cry when I dropped off the kids at school on Friday. I'm still sad to see them go every second week, but I've accepted that I'm separated. Maybe last year was the same: I really cried for the kids.
There was this too:
I've been thinking a lot about writing a letter to WW, without even sending it, but strangely, I lose interest as soon as I sit in front of my computer. It spins in my head, sometimes obsessively, yet it bores me when it's time to actually do it. Oh well.
I more rarely think about it and it bores me even more, but it's not gone. But I can't say that I don't think about having an explanation with XW sometimes. Our S was frustrating in that sense because we barely communicated about the real reasons. While I imagine it could be cathartic to have The Talk one day, I'd expect it to be mostly frustrating and disappointing: I can't see it being the big resolution that I want.
I still haven't received the D papers. It's been at the court for a few months now. I rarely think about it and plan to file them like I file any government papers.
I have greatly reduced my presence here in the last year and I will reduce it even more.
The reason I come here anymore is to follow the story of my "DB friends" - I often lurk without commenting. Two years ago, the advice and guidance was almost life-saving and I've been shaped by it. Today, I don't want to R anymore. The best parts of DB - focusing on myself and my kids, our happiness and future, keeping things even with XW - are integrated in my way of thinking and being.
As I wrote above, I don't want to be defined by my D much longer either. The time I spend here brings back my own D story and makes me think about it more than necessary for my present goals.
I have much less to contribute too. On dating, my S has changed my views and it doesn't fit well with the philosophy of this community. On fighting to R, as much as I believe it possible and worthy for many (and DB still seems the best method I can think of), I don't think about it enough anymore to be able to provide insights to others. After finding ourselves in the same hell at BD, our lives now go on their separate paths.
So this is a sort of goodbye. I'll close my DB tabs (open for almost two years!) though I will surely come back every now and then for a look. If you write "mozza", I just might find your post.
I don't want to name names for fear of forgetting important people, but if you read this, if you've posted in my threads, if I posted of you: I think of you and I wish we could have met in person. Some I wish were friends in my real life. I admire your values and commitment, your willingness to learn and change. It's an inspiration. I'm a better person because of what you taught me.
You da man Mozza. I may not have always followed your lead but have always considered you a leader. It's been a true pleasure being BD'd together. Let's do it again some day...
I would not agree that you do not have much to offer, you have been through the battles and you have been tested by fire and you have the battle scars to prove it.
Stay strong buddy...
Mozza!! Don't leave!! Don't leave us!!!
Kidding aside, I do hope you'll stop back in from time to time and let us know how you're doing.
For my part, I don't feel like it's a bad thing to be defined by my divorce. I'm even sometimes grateful for it. Because Mr. Fantastic left in such a cowardly manner, I had to find strength. I was so enormously fortunate to have found supportive people who are helping me grow, including my new work colleagues -- who I would never have met without this catastrophe in my life -- and My Guy, who has taught me things about relationship that are enormously positive across the board, not just in romance.
Without this divorce, I might never have met the people who are helping me find peace in my parenting. I might never have had the chance to become the person I really, really want to be. I might never have realized how much happier I could be than what I was.
I hope someday you see your divorce as a positive force in your life. I hope that the idea of being "defined by your divorce" becomes something positive and that you come back here to let us know that you found peace and happiness, and to provide hope and support for the people who find themselves here and don't believe that kind of happiness is possible after a failed marriage.
I have enjoyed calling you a virtual friend and I hope that doesn't end for good. Until we hear from you again -- Be well, be adventurous, and be happy.
(((Mozza)))
I wish you all the best! I took a nice long break because I felt like my divorce was becoming too much of my life at one point. I got a little too much wound up in it. Sometimes we are very aware we are divorced, but it would be nice to just go about life not thinking about it.
I wish you and your kids all the best!
Thanks! It's so nice to see your familiar.... usernames. That's the hardest part: while I feel less involved in managing my D, I do still feel a connection to all of you. And the things you share still stay with me and make me reflect. Right now, I'm thinking of what "being defined by my D" means to me, after Maybell's post.
Yesterday XW took the kids out for D5's birthday. After she dropped them off, they were overcome by sadness, missing her, and they cried for a good 30 minutes (no crisis, mostly the silent tears of deep sadness). I consoled them and told that I was sad too when their mom left. I couldn't help thinking that XW has not idea this is happening, much like she doesn't know much about my pain. And then again, it doesn't matter because it wouldn't change a thing for either of us.
This week, it's been two years since XW walked out the door. I didn't think of it until I had a conversation about the D with a friend in the evening. Just that is a sign that I'm moving on.
I'm sure I'll come back and have a look around at your stories. I'll let you know when I get the D papers, for sure (yes, I'm not even oficially D!). I guess I'm just managing expectations and giving myself permission to focus less on that part of my life.
So, I got my D judgment. The date is almost exactly 2 years after XW moved out. It wasn't a very emotional thing for me, but it wasn't pleasant either. At least, it's done.
I had a rare argument by email with XW. She was asking for another schedule change and I pointed that she often asked for those and that the kids hadn't been on a regular schedule for some 6 months because of that. I said routine was important for them. She was very defensive and justified every schedule change as being required by some external factor. It proved my point that the kids schedule was last on the list of priorities, but I didn't tell her that. I did my best to keep things calm. It ended rather quicly, after maybe 6 emails. Still, it reminded me why I hate those arguments: I was affected for several days after this.
I've been seeing someone for 4 months now. It's very pleasant and we grow attached as time goes by. We s๊nt almost all my time without the kids together. She hasn't met them. I take it much slower than I did with the previous GF, putting no pressure on the relationship, not asking for official titles, not saying ILY. I speak with my actions and so does she.
I thought I'd give a little update since I just posted to mahhhty and Maybel. Hope everyone is well.
Nice one m8! Glad to hear about the new relationship.
Hi Mozza,
I moved here although my D hasn't even started - none of us have filed. I still know it's just a legal matter to finalize, there are no other ties except a few financial ones at this point.
I'm glad that receiving the judgment didn't get you down. I'm wondering how I'll feel once WH files.
There was a little thing I noticed in your comment about your new R, that you spend almost all non-kid time together. I would urge you to maintain friendships and activities outside the new R. I have made that a priority and I see it working well on so many levels. Just a little nudge...
Mozz, want to acknowledge you but not sure what I can add to the story... I spent all my free time with My Guy for a long time too, but eventually real life needed me back and now that it's a bit more balanced things are better. Good luck finding your sweet spot and keep us posted!
Surprise!
It's been over a year and a half since I posted here, but DB just crossed my mind and I decided to have a quick look and, in case some old timers are still around, give an update. Maybe it would inspire some newbies.
First.... I have been DBed myself! I had broken up mid-2017 with the girl I was dating in my last message. Things were alright but I couldn't see a future together and I thought it was better for her to end it sooner than later (there was no one else on my end). Fast forward two months later and a chance encounter meant that we talked again. I was very wary because I knew that she had been hurt and didn't want to give her false hopes, but I accepted to hear her side of the story. Well, she told me all the right things! She was telling me how she regretted playing a role with me when we were together because she thought it would be attractive (the lack of connection was a factor of the breakup), she told me how she had changed for herself and how these changes corresponded to where she wanted to go, etc. So I agreed to see her again... and again... until it seemed clear that we could "get back together". It's now been almost a year and things are much better in phase 2 of our relation. In a way, it demonstrates the point of DB that the LBS can learn and change.
As for my XW, she remarried in May, with OM. I never thought it would get that far, but apparently it did. The bad part of me wants it to fail, but my better angels know that this stability is better for the kids (and me) and he's not a bad step-parent as far as I can tell. I still have the conviction that it won't last, but after almost 4 years, it's harder to say that it was just limerence.
I'm not entirely over my D though. I have accepted that I might never be. People seem to see it as weakness, or I perceive it as such, but if I was widowed, people would understand that I carry this pain with me for decades. It's still a very sensitive topic and I know that my GF finds it a little hard to have this emotion around. It's something that I discuss less with people around me, but it's still a topic with the people closest to me.
The kids are doing well (now 10 and 6) but they are not over the D either and will probably never be. They miss the other parent. Last week, D6 cried in a shop because she was sad I was no longer with her mom. It came at a random moment, showing how it's always close to their minds.
On the personal front, I'm proud to report that I have kept my gym habit for over three years by now, which is no small feat for someone who doesn't enjoy the process. I've also had professional success, growing my business and income. I bought a motorcyle last summer, a 20+ year-old project (I had an off-road when I lived with my parents), to take advantage of my weeks without the kids.
So that's it! From a quick search around, I'm glad to see that my old collection of success stories is still around and that they can still inspire some.
Awesome stuff buddy. This just goes to show that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and a bright one at that.
Mozza!
My dear friend, it's lovely to hear from you. It's been too long.........
Far too long.
How are the kids?
Pleased to hear about the successes in your life. YOU DBed?
Well there is a thing...........
V