well, friends. I made a solid effort to DB my marriage. But as I realize what's happened, it's clear there wasn't much of a chance. My STBX is dating a woman he has worked with for a number of years. Their friendship always seemed a bit inappropriate to me; he was always defensive about it. While I am fairly confident there was no PA while we were together, he certainly had feelings for her. My M never had a chance.
I'm still very much grieving, even though there was so much wrong in our relationship, even before we got married. But I wanted to share a recent exchange we had, subject line: Thanks. I tried to respond easy-breezy. What do you think?
H: "Claire, thank you for all the work and thought and care you put into making [the costume] special for D4's [special class event]. I love the way it looks, and I know you made all of that happen.
As father's day approaches, it's important to acknowledge and re-affirm that regardless of our relationship, D4 has a phenomenal support system, and especially that her mother is a standout in so many ways.
My response: Thanks for this kind note. Yes, D4 and I had a great time making that costume! Who knew I was so crafty!
Over the past 18 months, he's told me that he admires how I've handled myself, has called me brave, told me I was 'his savior' when I helped with childcare during a family emergency, and apparently I am a "standout" in many ways. And yet, not once has he reconsidered his decision or been willing to attempt to work on our marriage.
What.a.fool.
So, I'm moving over here because there is just not much to discuss for me at newcomers, and I don't feel ready to be a great support for anyone else. Looking forward to hearing some inspiration from the folks on this board.
Thanks.
You are not a fool . You are a kind dedicated parent and wife. The fact that your dummy husband doesn't get it does not negate those facts.
Keep at it Claire
Heavy,
To clarify: HE is the fool!
Welcome to our board Claire! FWIW - I think your response back to him is fine. Short to the point and positive. It also sounds to me like you are on a solid path to recovery.
BA
Hi Claire, the reality is that you and he are in a different relationship now and your main priority is co-parenting. He's obviously, at least verbally, making an effort to make that work. Kudo's to him. Your response was fine...you did good
Good luck with it.
Well yes - he is the fool!!!
Claire,
Great job with the reply. And I have to chime in with Wii and BA on the positive nature of his affirmation of you as her mom. I can tell you that it really *does* help things, particularly from your D's perspective - short and long term.
Kudos!
Betsey
Thanks for the warm welcome and encouragement. Acceptance of this new reality is still an on-going process for me. I still, often, find myself thinking, "How is this my life?" It still feels surreal. The newest development-- that my H had feelings for this woman, likely for years, and always denied it and got defensive, even though I was always uncomfortable with their friendship, is gnawing at me more than I'd like. It feels like another layer of betrayal. But I know I will get past that, too.
I'm trying to rehearse how I will respond when he finally tells me about their relationship. (He's told me he's dating, but hasn't told me who). I want to respond in a way that allows me to keep my dignity and take the high road. But the fact that this is someone he's known for years, and someone that I always suspected he had feelings for, makes it tough. I'm not sure I can pull off the 'easy-breezy' response. I don't want to give him any reason to roll his eyes at me or smirk and feel superior.
I am working so hard to be a better person-- it's showing in other areas of my life, and I am grateful for my support system, in particular this one. Thanks.
Hi Clare,
I thought your response to your h was perfect and I was impressed that he sent that message to you. While I understand you don't want a D, his message to you seems authentic. He recognizes and respects what a wonderful mother you are. That is awesome:)
Can I play devil's advocate for a minute? While I understand trying to work through your thoughts on who your H is dating, does it really matter? Yes, someone is going to say, "Phooey! Clare was uncomfortable with this R for years." Maybe. I get that. However, he may never make a grand proclamation of who he is dating. He may recognize that you had suspicions and that *announcing* this would appear a certain way. I'm babbling. Sorry. I guess my point is that you are correct. Sometimes we can DB until we have become a saint in Giselle Bundchen's body and the end result will be the same. I don't think your M never had a chance because of his *feelings* for his coworker. I think it may be that there is someone who is a better fit for you and perhaps him.
I think it is wonderful that you have worked so hard to address issues that have hindered you in many aspects of life. I know you said you were depressed for a while and it sounds like you are on the right track. You seem like a great lady and a fantastic mother. I have no doubt that you can be in a great R one day, when you choose to entertain that thought.
Don't worry about him smirking or feeling superior. If he chooses to announce to you who he is dating, you can simply shrug or smile and nod. If she seems like a decent lady, then that is more than sufficient. And then, keep moving forward.
Hang in there:)
Wanted to give myself a shout out: there was a heated conflict during a staff meeting at work : some people on the attack, others on defensive. Claire tried to validate concerns and get to the root of the issue. I calmed folks down and diffused what had started to become a yelling match. Several people thanked me and told me they were inpressed.
I've learned so so much from y'all.
GB: you make a really great point. At this point, things are what they are and I can choose to accept it or continue to stew. No contest.
Claire, you are awesome. If I migrate to this forum - as I may soon, I think I will have a lot to learn from you. Keep your chin up.
RAI
Hey Claire! Just saying hi, I didn't realize you'd moved over here. The texts with your H and the events at work are such a positive reflection of you. Good job. I get the impression you are settling in to a new Claire. And she is fabulous!
RAI and SunnyB -- thanks for your kind words and support. They mean a lot.
I was thinking the other day that if he wanted to work on the relationship now, it would be much harder for me to agree to that. I don't know that I'd be willing to do that anymore. Last night I was trying to think of positives in our M, and it was really tough. And yet it was easy for me to think of times when I felt disrespected or dismissed or simply not cherished. I don't know how he really felt-- I have a drawer filled with cards that have plenty of loving words on them, but his actions didn't back that up. And even now, he'll say one thing, but his actions don't always back that up.
I may post later about some recent co-parenting things that have come up that I'm hoping I handled ok...
I'm certainly still a work in progress but grateful for the support I've gotten here because it has helped me get to where I am!
Happy Independence Day!!
Co-parenting. Hoo boy. Let's just say it's not all sunshine and unicorns in my hood. Stbx has been on vacation with D4 since wed night. (I dropped her off at his place on wed at 5 pm).
Get a text today:
[I am meeting babysitter at your place at 8 am (to drop off D4 before camp). D4 has been asking if you will be there. Might be nice to spend that time with her, but of course, your call.]
Trying not to hear anything nasty in this, but wow. Thanks for the suggestion to spend more time with my daughter! @$$.
Claire, I didn't hear anything nasty there. Daughter has been asking for you, H is letting you know. The end. 😊 that's the way I saw it.
I think you are well on your way to detaching, your future issues are going to fall around parenting. And I'll bet that settles down after a while, as you both get used to it and let your walls down.
SunnyB, I hear you.
I just drafted and deleted a whole post explaining a but more of our interactions, but I deleted it. It sounded whiny, like I was just looking for someone to say, "You're right, he is a jerk."
But I realized that I don't really need to vent. If it makes him feel good to tell me how to be a good mom, well that is HIS sh!t. I am an amazing mom. I'm glad he is around as much as he is, but his opinion of matters not.at.all.
I'm no longer trying to save my M, so I don't have to overthink and plan every interaction. I'm not going to be nasty or spiteful, I am just going to be me-- the best, most authentic me I can be-- and not worry whether he finds me attractive or not. I'm not trying to win him back. He is not worthy of me.
It's so freeing to finally feel that way. Sad, but freeing.
For a long time I couldn't even imagine getting to this point. But now that I'm here, it's feels good.
So a brief update:
I got confirmation today that stbx is dating the coworker who is 10 years younger than him (and me), and with whom he's had an inappropriately close friendship for years. Every time I expressed discomfort with their friendship, he acted offended, got defensive, "she has a boyfriend, for crying out loud, Claire!" That kind of thing. (That's what the kids call "gaslighting", no?)
Anyway, I feel strangely at ease. I mean, at least I'm not as crazy as he made me out to be. My gut instincts were right. And, what chance did our marriage have when his heart and mind were with someone else and I was in the throes of a mental health crisis, home with a baby. Of course someone 10 years younger with no responsibilities would seem more attractive.
Kind of icky on both their parts, if you ask me. I wonder when he first realized he had feelings for her... was it when he asked me to marry him? While we planned our wedding? When I was pregnant? Or when I was suffering from PPD and out of my mind?
He's bailed on the last two weekday morning visits with his D, most likely because he's spending time with OW. (I have some evidence to support that). He is very content to be a part-time dad. And he's living in la-la land with OW.
Whatever. I'm trying to find some compassion, but right now I feel a LOT of anger. The realization that he basically left me a LONG long time ago makes it hard to feel anything but disgust for both of them. Gross.
I am ranting like a child right now, but just need to get this out of my system. I continue to hold my head up high. And while I want to call him out, or embarrass him publicly, that is not in line with my values. He has to live with himself. And she has to live with him. And so perhaps, if I look at it that way, I am doing pretty ok.
Oh, and I turned 40 this week. Happy birthday to me! Had a fun time with several fun mini-celebrations. Had some sad moments-- stbx and I met exactly 10 years ago, right before I turned 30. Sigh.
Thanks for listening.
Happy Birthday Claire
I am glad you feel at ease. And yes, your gut is usually right. That feels validating right? To know you weren't crazy after all.
Yes, continue to hold your head high, take the high road. I am well acquainted with the feelings of disgust. Hopefully those feelings will pass.
Happy Birthday Claire! I do hope you treated yourself nicely. I have yet to celebrate a birthday without STBX, even last year we did a family dinner at a nice restaurant.
Sometimes even now I have a few heartburn moments, had one last night as a matter of fact. But I took some space for myself and texted a couple of friends. And then I remembered how I do not want to go back to the life I had with STBX. And I move forward. That's all any of us can do Claire. You seems to be doing quite well these days, pat yourself on the back for me.
Thanks SunnyB and HeavyD.
Some days i feel so strong and capable... and some days I freak out about my budget, and I get so angry and resentful for being placed in this situation. I think about what I really want to say to him... and then realize, of course, that there is nothing to say.
This is happening, and there are STILL some days where I can't believe it; where it still feels like a bad dream that I will someday wake up from. And then I'll be in some situation where I'm surrounded by intact families who are all dealing with stuff but are sticking by each other and staying committed, and I think, "i want that so much." Or I'll read or see something and STILL think that he is the person I'd most want to share it with.
Grrr.
The most exciting part is knowing I can save myself...that I can control my own happiness (with some help from modern medicine, of course). The hardest part is knowing it's up to me to save myself--that I have to find my own happiness.
So, Claire - how are you setting about doing that?
(Oh, and btw - on the postpartum depression - make sure you have had your thyroid checked, thyroid problems often appear postpartum and hypothyroidism is one cause of depression).
Take a poster board and make a collage of things that you want to attract to your life - whatever moves you. Put it up somewhere that you can see it every day. Then make a list of 100 (yes, 100!) things you would like to do in your lifetime. I know it's hard, just come up with 100 things, however wacky. (I did this many years ago after reading a book that suggested it - put it away and forgot about it. Found it about 12 years later - and much to my surprise, one of the items on it was "play in a band". I didn't even remember putting that on the list, didn't remember EVER wishing for that - but somehow, in the intervening time, I learned to play the drums at 53 and now I play in a punk rock cover band! So don't be afraid to put down outrageous things. )
As for finances - check out the Mr Money Mustache website, it'll give you great ideas for how to live better on a budget. Essential for saving yourself, I think.
You are free to pursue your dreams, so dream big!
Claire,
Would it make you feel better if I tell you that periodically I get extremely resentful that my income is wayyyyy less than that of my XH? That being said, let me tell you how it worked itself out. Sure, he can afford more and better stuff than I can. BUT I HAVE THE GIRLS. They are loyal and love both of us, but they see me as the go-to parent. I wouldn't take a bigger checking balance for that, so...
Also, my XH has been fabulous about child support and paying for things that he could legitimately say aren't his problem. And he's paying for our D21's school (private engineering university) and not asking me to help (which I do in smaller ways). That's a financial commitment she and I both appreciate, and it's his way of committing to her happiness.
Through the years I discovered that keeping score was holding me back from being the happy person I wanted to be. The day I dropped that game became the day that I was truly free.
Besides, I know that he is envious (not sure if I mean that word exactly) that D21 calls me during the week all the time. He understands it, but he wishes he got more than he does. She *does* text him and call occasionally, but I'm the mom. You can't put a price on that. And I don't take advantage of it either. I just know it is what it is.
I love the idea of a vision board (I've got one myself) and I just might have to make that bucket list as well. Make decisions that make that vision board come true. Yes, there will be setbacks. Yes, there will be a learning curve - to think differently. Daydream. Visualize. Imagine. Those are all empowering actions.
Hugs,
Betsey
Kml and Betsey,
I appreciate your feedback so much. A vision board sounds perfect for me. I made a list of things I wanted to do before my next birthday, and even if I didn't get to all of them, the list making was helpful. ..and it also got me thinking in a new way.
What makes me happy? Well this past week I had the chance to visit somewhere really beautiful for work. Driving through the mountains made me happy! And I rode a bike-- need to do way more of that, maybe it's time to buy a bike. And I ate really delicious food. I'm a foodie. It was awesome.
So-- more outdoors
More travel to beautiful places
More delicious food.
Those are on my vision board for sure.
Having a budget will help me set saving goals. ..maybe for a bike tour of Tuscany! !
Thanks for pushing me forward even when it seems like I'm crawling sometimes. The support from this board means so much to me.
Posting here to try to hold myself accountable. I'm torturing myself on a number of fronts and wanted a place to lay out some thoughts.
1-- i have financial fear, big time. we have a meeting scheduled to start figuring out the financial settlement. i'm scared. the real estate market here is crazy. if i can't stay in my home, i don't know where i'll end up. that is my biggest fear-- and I have so much anger and resentment that my child and I are in this situation.
2-- i don't want him back. i don't find him attractive. i realize more and more that i am happier now in many many ways, that there was so much missing for me in our M. And at the same time, i still hate being here so much. I hate being alone. I hate having to co-parent with him. i hate being reminded of what i used to have, of the dreams I used to have, and how it all blew up. I hate thinking about him being with this younger woman who I had always suspected he had feelings for.
3--I hate that it still bothers me. i hate that I'm still having trouble moving on.
Grrr.
I had and at times still have financial fears. It is normal. Wait until your settlement happens so you will trully know. Dont borrow trouble from the future. I spent so much time being angry and fearful. It didnt change anything other than becoming severely depressed.
I learned to imagine a big Red Stop sign when those thoughts came to me.
Thanks Rick. I appreciate you stopping by. I'll try the big red stop sign!
Didn't sleep well at all last night. And then, this morning, STBX bailed on visiting D because... it was raining... and also he has to leave a little bit earlier than expected for his business trip. "I hope you understand," he said.
No, I don't understand at all. So I sat on it a bit, drafted a few different responses just to get them out of my system, and finally wrote, "Yeah, I can see how it would be a pain to come over here in the rain." And took a big sip of STFU.
And when he spoke to D on the phone, and she asked him why he wasn't coming over (like I told her he would), I didn't say a word. I just hugged her. When she said, "Daddy I want to see you," I didn't say a word.
And then, I reframed it for myself. How lucky am I? My D cuddled with me in bed this morning, I got to spend some extra time with her, and she is in camp (and I don't have to work today), so I have the whole day to do whatever I want. I know that someday, when this is all settled and I have fully moved on (or mostly moved on), I will be grateful that I am not his spouse anymore. And I am so thankful to the universe, and myself, and everyone who has supported me--including you all here-- that I am strong enough to be a loving, consistent, compassionate parent for my D.
Focusing on the good today.
No, I don't understand at all. So I sat on it a bit, drafted a few different responses just to get them out of my system, and finally wrote, "Yeah, I can see how it would be a pain to come over here in the rain." And took a big sip of STFU.
yeah, Claire, I had a few sips of that myself today. And what got me through was the thought that STBX may or may not regret his parenting someday--but I never will. I've done what's right by my kids in spite of him. So have you.
1-- i have financial fear, big time. we have a meeting scheduled to start figuring out the financial settlement. i'm scared. the real estate market here is crazy. if i can't stay in my home, i don't know where i'll end up. that is my biggest fear-- and I have so much anger and resentment that my child and I are in this situation.
Please don't have a discussion with him alone about the financial settlement until you have thoroughly discussed it with your lawyer. You need to know exactly what is feasible in your state for a woman in your position, start out asking for MORE than that, and be able to negotiate it to a fair conclusion. (If you don't ask for a bit more, you won't have anything you can "give up" in negotiations).
Many women make the mistake of having these financial discussions without benefit of legal advice, and agreeing to settlements that are much less than what they could get.
Also, be realistic about what you can afford. For instance, don't negotiate to keep the house if you'll just end up in foreclosure in 3 years. Child support in most places is pretty much by formula. Alimony may or may not be available depending on your income, his income, and the length of the marriage. You should get half of any assets accumulated through the marriage. Try to negotiate things like him paying your child's health insurance if his job offers good coverage. Try to get any alimony in a lump sum if that's feasible. Make sure to have a life insurance policy on him to cover his child support payments. There are TONS of financial things to consider and you need to speak to your attorney first.
Also check out wife dot com, a website that included some helpful financial advice for me when I was getting divorced.
Kml, that site appears to be wife.org. Wife.com is a little different.
Oh, thanks, you're right, dot org. It's been years since I had to go there!
Hey claire7,
Your situation sounds exactly like mine. At least what you've described does. My ex had an inappropriate relationship with a work friend too. Like yours I don't think she had a PA, but it was cheating nonetheless. She is now openly dating him, and even took him and my girls to Disney with her family. Those were great pictures to look at on Facebook.
I don't think you were a fool, but he definitely was. I'm sure you did everything you could, but when spouses get to the point that ours did there is nothing you can do or say to change their course. All they think about is how miserable they are with you, and how this new person makes them feel so good. They don't think about how temporary that good feeling is until the honeymoon is over, so to speak.
As far as the legal advice, WHAT KML SAID. You really need to at least know what's possible. And for me, delegating those negotiations to the lawyers did a lot to defuse what could have been taken personally.
Had our first meeting with both our lawyers today. It was emotionally pretty rough for me. And then I came home and treated my daughter and me to pizza for dinner, and spent some time playing with her. We had a lovely evening. I am losing a lot but man oh man, he is losing the most by far.
I am very scared for my financial future, and terrified I will have to leave my home (because I don't know if I can afford an appropriate home in this area), but I have my daughter 5 nights a week and I get to see her so much more than he does. I am blessed and grateful for that.
D4 has finally started asking questions about divorce-- why doesn't daddy live here? are you divorced? I don't want to say anything negative to her about her father, but I don't want to lie or say something that doesn't feel like it matches my values. I've read about what MWD says to say, and I've tried that. But I don't know how to answer all her questions in a way that feels respectful to her/him and also true to what I value. Any words of wisdom from those who have been there?
Well - I don't know if these are words of wisdom. And of course, my situation was a little different because of the whole moving in directly with the girlfriend business.
I do my best to say positive things about him to the girls. I tell them he's a hard worker who does a difficult job (which is true), acknowledge that he his smart and funny, reinforce how much he loves them and talk up the time he spends with them.
However, when D7 asks a direct question about the divorce - I answer it honestly (and she asks a lot of them). We have had conversations that it's wrong to have a girlfriend when you are married. When she repeated some stuff that STBX said about why we were divorcing that was wildly off base - I corrected it. I didn't say "Daddy's lying!", but instead "that isn't what happened", and then I called her Dad on it. He has said things (and she has repeated) like "Daddy still likes Mommy, but Mommy doesn't like him anymore because she found out he did something bad". And I say - "you know sweetie, that's not right. Daddy doesn't know what I think or feel, because he's not in my head and I haven't told him". It's a fine line - all the advice is not to badmouth the other parent - but some of the things he did were so out of line and so visible to her that there is no explaining them away. So I don't try. I never say Daddy is a bad guy, but when asked, I will say that he did some bad things. I try to make sure that I don't dwell on the bad things. Whenever a conversation like this has happened, I try to double up on the positive things that I say about him.
One other thing - when she says she hates that we don't live together or that the divorce makes her sad - I never try to make the situation sound any better or minimize it, but instead I try to acknowledge and validate her feelings. I believe the phrase I have used is - "you're right honey - it does stink. I'm really sorry this happened".
That's really helpful raliced. Thanks.
I'm struggling a lot to keep a positive mindset about the changes to come...but those changes won't be for a while and let's face it, I've handled the biggest change of all with a lot of dignity. So, I'll get through the next stuff too.
Things to think about in terms of affording your home:
Would you buy it today at the price of your current.mortgage? If not, don't hold onto it. If yes ie it was a great bargain when you bought it, or you put a lot of sweat equity into it, or it has great potential for you to build sweat equity in the future, then ask yourself the second question:
Can you afford it? Would you be able to qualify for a refi loan (counting in child support, your income, etc)? If you can refinance it into your name, add up expected .mortgage payment and property taxes, then subtract tax breaks. How does that total compare to renting a nice 2 bedroom apartment in your town?
Can you rent out an extra bedroom after the divorce? Would this make your mortgage affordable?
Don't forget repair and maintenance costs. Much as you may hate to give up your home, renting may make more sense for you at present.
Check out the mr money mustache blog for great ideas on reducing your expenses. I also love the tightwad gazette books, which include lots of great ideas for kids.
P.S. when my ex left, he insisted on selling the house right away because he had a new property he wanted to buy. I knew I couldn't afford to buy him out of the considerable equity in our house so I agreed. It turned out ok, but wss really risky, because I couldn't get a mortgage on a new place until the divorce was finalized and I had a year of alimony check receipts. Our divorce took two years and I was just lucky that housing prices didn't rise too much in that time.
If you plan to buy a new place, don't agree to sell the old one until the divorce is done or almost done.
(Btw, I ended up buying a beautiful home in a much less expensive area of our county, and I'm happy with it and .y new, less pretentious neighbors.
So helpful, kml. I really appreciate it.
Hi claire. I was just browsing these forums again, and noticed a familiar name. I just wanted to drop by your thread and say hi. It's unfortunate that you were unable to make your marriage work. I wasn't either. But thank you for your contributions to my thread in the summer of 2014. I've learned so much since then. Good luck to you!
Thanks mindsin. I have been wondering about you!
And to all the kind, wise and generous souls who populate this thread (Betsey, 25yearsmlc and many others):
I think I could use some help with conflict resolution. I feel like i am struggling so much with the negotiations of this divorce. My STBX claims that I have dragged my feet and slowed the process down, and since we have not yet set a date for the division of assets, he feels it's unfair for me to have any claim on money he's earned since he decided to leave me.
I hear so many different pieces of advice. I want to complete this journey with my dignity and integrity intact. And at the same time, as I look back on our relationship, I realize it was riddled with times when I felt taken advantage of.
I wouldn't want anyone to ever be able to say, "how pathetic-- she dragged it out so she could get more money from him. what a gold-grubbing loser." And then I wonder why I am worried about what 'anyone' (like his family, or his girlfriend) think of me anyway! My future is at stake and all I ever wanted was to be able to stay married and not have to deal with any of this!
I feel like not only have my DB efforts failed, they have actually backfired. My gut is telling me to just say "ok. you win." But then I hear another voice in my head that says, "Wait a minute, not so fast. Why are you ashamed of wanting to stay married? Why are you ashamed to ask for more?"
And then, on top of all of this increasingly contentious negotiation is our co-parenting. I'm supposed to put on a smiley face and have a PMA around him when I think he is a jerk. We're supposed to also negotiate parenting stuff between each other (like schedules, or the start of school, etc). It's like, literally making my head spin.
I'm flailing a bit right now. No wonder I feel so off-kilter.
Please give me some advice for how to get through this with dignity, integrity but without being a fool or being walked on. I'm feeling stuck Most of the people I ask for advice come from a place of anger towards him: "you are entitled to..." "Don't back down from..." "He has to pay." That kind of thing.
Where is the middle ground?
Thanks.
Divorce laws in every state are different. I if you have a lawyer let that person deal with negotiating. Divorce is like a business contract that was broken and should be treated as such. I gave my L full negotiating power so my emotions would not get in the way. It is a painful process.
I haven't posted here in a long time. But I do read around every so often and it breaks my heart to see you feeling this way about this divorce process. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter. Don't drag your feet! Take the high road and do what your lawyer asks of you. All the paperwork, anything that is required. Stay way ahead of it, better than he does. Not easy but in the long run it's much better to cooperate with the process. It doesn't matter what STBX thinks is unfair, what matters is the law. I too let my lawyer do the talking to the other lawyer. It protected me as Rick mentioned. Get centered, stay strong, and do the work. It's business. Good luck. Wonder
Thanks so much.
It's interesting how emotions work. I feel like my emotions were so tense the last few days, which I think means I was getting prepared to do some deep digging and hard work. Writing that post, putting those thoughts out there, has helped me find some clarity. It's clear that the anger and hurt I'm holding onto is poisoning me. I need to forgive him and truly let go in order to move on. I know it will bring me some peace. And I know it is a decision. Just thinking about that, and imagining what my life will feel like if I can let go, is making me feel lighter already.
I can't guarantee I will still feel this way tomorrow morning, but for now I feel it, and that means eventually I can feel this way consistently, and that alone gives me great hope.
Claire,
This is quick because I need to be packing.... I agree with Rick and Wonder.
Keep in mind this portion of the D is all business. It's about securing a reasonable way of life for you and your daughter. Let the lawyer do his or her job. Don't lay down in front of the train... Your daughter needs you the most right now.
Hugs,
Betsey
Thank you all so much for your supportive and wise feedback. I feel a lot better now that I"m thinking of the financial stuff as just business. Had a good meeting with my L and we are moving ahead with drafting a proposal. Stbx is doing the same.
And as I work through all my other feelings, I'm still struggling find that balance between making HIS life easier for him, and doing things that are in my D's best interest. Because sometimes it feels as though he's not really dealing with the consequences. And as I write that, I realize it sounds pretty lame.
But, let me think out loud for a bit, and I really do welcome some outside perspectives.
D4 is off from school on Monday. Since it's H's day, he arranged for her to go to a camp that day. This was a great step forward-- he took the initiative to follow our parenting agreement! I will take her to the camp in the morning, and then stbx MIL will pick her up and spend the afternoon with her. Stbx has asked me if his mom can use my home as her "base" that day, because he thinks my place "is best."
I'm not a huge fan of the idea. MIL has not reached out to me in months. We used to be quite close. I don't hear a word from her now. Last time she came over here, she simply used her key to walk right in; didn't even knock! Um...
I mean, really? You don't think your D and your own mom can spend an afternoon in your home? Why not? Why don't you have toys and supplies for her? I just don't get it.
I know some of you would say "Just say yes. It's best for your D and you can show MIL how wonderful you are." But it just bugs me. Argh.
I'd love to hear some thoughts.
Thanks.
Is this a once in a blue moon kind of thing, or the start of a regular pattern?
I'm sure it would be a little easier at your place, all your daughter's stuff is there, she could nap in her own bed if needed, etc. If you previously had a great relationship with MIL, then it might be fine. But if you suspect MIL will be snooping or judging, or if you don't want to establish a precedent that it's ok for for her to come over all the time - just say no. Tell ex you'll pack some of her toys etc to go with her, just be sure she brings them home. Or just say no. You are allowed to do what is best for YOU.
I was in a spot where I made things easier for ex because I thought it was best for our daughter. But I had to stop. It was draining me and it wasn't sustainable. Ow as becoming resentful and that' wasn't good for anyone. Eventually I knew my daughter would see I was doing all the work.
Ellie has a great suggestion. He made a big step in making arrangements. If you aren't comfortable, telling him you can give them a few toys if they need, but you think she will be fine using his home. Isn't give him the confidence to spur him in the direction of taking care of things himself.
My ex very slowly is figuring things out for himself when he needs to when I'm not making it brainless for him.
What's best for your D is a mom who isn't resentful of having to do it all.
Hi! I agree with everyone, just focus on the divorce as business and let the lawyers do the work. When I had to make a decision my sole thought was whether it would benefit my children, and I've never regretted that.
I agree with your uneasiness about letting your MIL use your home as base when your STBX has his own home. From what you describe, using her own key to let herself in, she has boundary issues, and hasn't communicated with you in some time. Your STBX, and his M, need to start experiencing the consequences of his actions. After divorce, they will not be able to use your home as base when it's his time to watch your child. He needs to set up his home now and start parenting; if he hasn't already done so now is a good time.
Karen
Claire, I'm not going to express what I think *you* should do, and I totally understand where everyone here is coming from - boundaries, stepping up as a dad, I do get all that. But for me......
......I'd allow it for my own D. Because my D says that this is home, and her dad's place is where she stays when she's not home. And I'd rather her be at home.
You know what's best for you and your D, and if saying no is right, then do it and don't give it a second thought.
Fair point, SunnyB. Stbx makes a point of correcting D4 when she calls his place "your house". He says "you mean our house?". But she has to pack pjs and clothing every time she goes there. Whatev.
Interesting to note: stbxmil who still has a key to my home and used it last time she came over does NOT have a key to her son's home. Wonder if his GF does...
Also wanted to add: I think it's best I don't see stbxmil right now. I have a cold, and on top of that I am approaching the two year BD anniversary. I haven't seen or spoken to MIL in several months and I'm not sure I could do it with out getting emotional. But if she wanted to continue to have a relationship with me, she would. She loved me, she has always been very warm to me. And now she's vanished. Which I can understand... but I can only put some boundaries on myself right now.
Could be the wrong call, or at least not the bravest or strongest call, but it's what I feel I need right now. And that's ok.
Thanks for everyone's input. I appreciate it a lot.
Hi Claire! I've been following along and also have MIL issues. If I were you I'd hit this straight on in a very diplomatic way. If u say no bc u are sick today, your message is clear to them: YES but not today. It's easier if you say no, i want D to start thinking of your house as hers too just as you do so its important from the start for her to spend your days at your place. And just as important for "his" days to be a break for you to have some space all to yourself, for respite. If youre hosting, providing meals for and cleaning up after your d AND your MIL then youre not getting needed reapite. That is reasonable and they do not have to agree or like your position.
I speak from some experience. I put my kids first and wanted them comfortable in their own home, and thus in years they have not seen or know where their dad lives, and when i come home from my respite (which means packing and leaving) i have him to clean up after as well as my kids. I resent it but bc my h is abusive and cruel i havent wanted to insist on any more time with him than necessary. I say dont do what i did, and establish an expectation that he completely parent his kids, in his home, when its his time. Not be or arrange for a sitter in your house.
But good luck to you whatever you decide is right for you. I'll be thinking of ya.
I need to vent for a moment. I spent way too long on back and forth emails with stbx today-- negotiating a schedule change (that works out for both of us, which is a big positive), and some other co-parenting /childcare/budget stuff. Like maybell, I find it tiring and draining to have to deal with him at all. And all the while, I'm practicing my zen Db, stfu moves.. I draft a reply, then revise, then pause, then delete the whole thing and start again in the hopes that I continue to be someone only a fool would leave. It's exhausting. Because all the while I'm fighting the urge to rage at him because my daughter was crying "don't go!" this morning and I had to tell her I'll see her tomorrow afternoon even though that is not my choice.
Or when he continues to blame me for how long this process is taking, even though he still can barely bring himself to say the word divorce, still has important mail delivered to my home (and hands some to me and says, "you can recycle these.", and still has a whole bunch of crap in the apartment and basement storage.
Ugh.
Ok. Vent over.
I am going to an event in my neighborhood for separated and divorced parents. I am a total introvert, so terrified at walking in not knowing anyone, but proud that I'm pushing myself to do so.
Carry on, warriors.
How did your event go?
Are you staying in your home?
Divorce STINKS. Mr. Cr@ptastic gets mail here at my new place and he's never so much as had a key to the house.
Are you to a point where you can give him an ultimatum about the stuff? It's exhausting to have that stuff around.
I've been watching other people's marriages as closely as I can and it is interesting the amount of reciprocity and respect I can see in the nice ones. Even the ones that are very dysfunctional have a degree of caring that I can't remember enjoying. I think some of the hurt I've been feeling lately comes from realizing how worthless I've felt. How are you doing, Claire?
Hey Claire! Do tell, how did the event go?
I recently asked STBX to sort through some stuff he left in his closet. I told him that I didn't mind to store a few things for him, but if it was clothes he hadn't worn in a year, I was going to get rid of them. He sorted through about half of it, and I took it to Goodwill the next day. He still has some stuff to go through, I'll probably have to ask a few more times.
And I'm a little surprised at how long it's taking STBX to get his financial stuff into the L. He tried to throw me under the bus the other day for something he was supposed to send and didn't, and he still owes more information. If he doesn't get it in soon, we may not make our scheduled meetings. The last meeting is scheduled for November 17, exactly one year to the day that he moved out. I thought that was rather fitting.
You and MB and I are generally in the same place, it's nice to have you girls for support!
Quick update :
The event was fun-- all women but I finally met someone in my area who was the LBS. Most of the divorced women I know (and I don't know too many to begin with) were the ones who left. So it was nice to share our stories a bit and have some delicious wine!
There was even more scheduling emails from stbx...I suggested that we set a date to go over it all once a month. ("You mean like a phone call? ") yes stbx, it can be a phone call; we don't have to actually sit down together in person if being in the presence of my awesomeness would make you uncomfortable. Haha!)
The good news is he agreed that would make things more efficient.
Another positive is that he stepped up to help out when my D4 was sick this week, AND we calmly found a solution (which had typically been a huge source of stress and anxiety in the past). I am a very different person than I used to be, and more and more I'm starting to feel sorry for him and his Gf. What's the story she told her family? How proud can you be to be with a man who left his wife and small child? Is he really such a prize? What must his own mother think of him that he basically left his beautiful intelligent wife, who was struggling with PPD and is now much healthier, for a younger woman from work?! When her own H did that to her! So icky all around.
He's a fool,and even if I can't stay in this home, I'm better off without him and D4 and I will be great.
Very nice update, Claire! Having been through it, I have to say -- leaving the home and moving in to my own has been much more of a blessing than I expected. There are no icky associations here. No memories of the things he said "we" would do to make it "ours." This place is all mine and the kids', and I am free to be clear and open with them about the order in which we'll get things done. So even if you do end up moving, consider that once you get past that stress, which is only for a limited period, you will be even freer than you are now.
I'd say you are a success story!
Been over a month since I've updated. I think I'm struggling to figure out where/if I fit in on these boards. So I'll just think out loud a bit here in case anyone is listening!
It seems like many of the posts on this "Surviving" board are folks who are at peace or even happier post D. I'm not there...yet.
But the Newcomers board is mostly folks who are well, new. Or actively DB'ing. I'm not really there either anymore.
I've accepted that this D is happening (we are negotiating our settlement at the moment), and don't feel as scared as I once did. I'm also realizing I'm a pretty awesome person and mom, even though I'm far from perfect and still have a lot of work to do on myself.
And I don't want him back, but I can't bring myself to say I want to be D either. Being a single mom is hard. I miss his family and feel so betrayed by them as well. I care about what is going on with his gf WAYYYYY more than I should. And I still have a lot of anger. But every time I imagine telling him how I feel, it just sounds so pathetic and lame.
This time of year is particularly hard. The BD was end of October, our anniversary a week after that. And then holiday season. So much family time shoved in my face. My own family is not particularly a source of joy for me.
I feel a bit adrift. My single friends from before my marriage moved on to other friendships while I was married/having a kid/in crisis. The acquaintances I made through my H are not in my life anymore. My married friends are understandably busy with their own families. And even many of the single mom friends I've made are now dating someone. I feel a bit lonely sometimes, but not ready to date-- and afraid of dating just so I won't feel lonely. That's what got me into this situation in the first place.
This holiday weekend was such a mixed bag. Had a wonderful couple of days with my D, caught up with a friend, spent some great time outside in nature. But was also really, really sad at times.
I'm trying to be kind to myself while keeping an eye on it to make sure I'm not heading down a dark path...
Thanks for listening. I'm so thankful for this community.
It seems like many of the posts on this "Surviving" board are folks who are at peace or even happier post D. I'm not there...yet.
I wasn't always happier and at peace - it's a process that takes time and you will eventually get there! Continue to give it the patience and time that you are doing now. It's good that you recognize the situation you are in and that you are jumping into situations such as dating before you are ready.
The holidays are really, really difficult for people - especially those going through the separation, divorce or even post divorce. Try to stay involved and don't withdraw. Is there some places you could volunteer at to keep you busy and also end up meeting some new friends? Just an idea.
BA
I agree with BA that it is a process. It is almost 5 years for me and at times I still grieve the loss of my family. So take the necessary time that you need to heal. There is no rush.
Claire, I've been giving this some thought and here's what I've got:
It seems like many of the posts on this "Surviving" board are folks who are at peace or even happier post D. I'm not there...yet.
When I came here, I wasn't there yet either. In fact, Betsey was concerned about how angry I was with him. I think now a lot of that is subsiding. The lifting of the uncertainty was a big part of that -- once I knew where I would live, and how I would live, I felt significantly calmer and thus needed to lash out against him less. You're still in the thick of the negotiations, so it stands to reason that you're going to be really angry/hurt/resistant until you're settled.
Besides getting my life in order, a huge help to me in settling into being happier after the divorce was the trip to Paris. It was the sort of thing I would have completely brushed off before the divorce. It was absolutely terrifying. And then, when I got there, it was glorious: not only because I was in PARIS, but also because when I wanted to do something, and my friend didn't, I went ahead and did it anyway. That was huge. It was scary, but it felt so indulgent and unmartyr-like, and I realized that my whole life could be like that, now that I'm not saddled with Mr. "I Don't Want to Plan Ahead." It was very healing.
And I don't want him back, but I can't bring myself to say I want to be D either. Being a single mom is hard. I miss his family and feel so betrayed by them as well. I care about what is going on with his gf WAYYYYY more than I should. And I still have a lot of anger. But every time I imagine telling him how I feel, it just sounds so pathetic and lame.
This I don't expect to ever go away. I worked harder at my relationship with his family than he ever did. I have gotten over wondering about the gf, mostly. She's walking away from a cheater who broke her heart, into the arms of a cheater who will break her heart (if she doesn't break his first). I told a friend, I sympathize, she was hurt, but at some point we have to find our inner Wonder Woman and embrace mightiness. Part of finding your inner Wonder Woman is realizing that if anything you said to him mattered, he would never have left in the first place. So write all the letters you need to, and envision how you'd like him to respond to them, and then laugh at what he's missing out on.
For what it's worth, I've written a LOT of letters to God asking for the qualities I need to move through this experience. It helps.
And even many of the single mom friends I've made are now dating someone. I feel a bit lonely sometimes, but not ready to date-- and afraid of dating just so I won't feel lonely. That's what got me into this situation in the first place.
I signed up for Match on impulse. It has been WEIRD. I have made a connection (very early days) that has freaked me out a lot and it's taken some time to figure out why. I thought I was ready, but when the rubber hit the road I did panic. It was my married friends who helped me process through why that would be, and who reminded me that this is supposed to be fun, not something I do to fill a need. Any time it stops being fun, then I either talk to the person involved and evaluate based on their response, or I take a time out. I'm finding my power again (or maybe for the first time).
We've been through all this together almost from the beginning and it's interesting to me how our experiences have mirrored one another, but sometimes intertwining on when we get there. I think you're going to get there, but you're going to need to make a strategy for how you're going to do it. Maybe once per day, make a note of something you GET to do now that you're single that you would not have been able to enjoy married? And then after a few weeks, make it two things you're grateful for, etc.
Hugs to you, Claire. It is unjust. But it IS.
Claire,
December is also the anniversary of my own bomb. I know it, and 12 years later, still don't like knowing I remember it and it just is what it is.
This journey is along a continuum. It's not linear and sometimes it's not even logical. The holidays are bound to stir up those feelings of abandonment and despair.
That being said, I recommend a healthy dose of looking at it through a new pair of glasses. It will help you and your D if you can see things through the lens of "what I have" instead of "what I don't have". It's living in an abundant mindset. You may not have a H, but you have lots more that you didn't have back then. Maybe focus on those things that you love about your life and let everything else sit on a low back burner?
I know when my girls were younger, I tried to create new traditions along the way - mix things up. I did it more for myself than them. It just kept my perspective a little more fresh?
About loneliness. I learned the hard way (time) that it's all about me. You can be with people and lonely too. Maybe give yourself a Christmas present this year - something that you've always wanted to do but haven't had resources to make it work? Maybe self imposed limits prevent you from giving to yourself. Once I started to nurture that part of my own growth, the loneliness really dissipated. It's not to say that sometimes I don't wish for companionship when it's not available. I do. But the deep loneliness has flown away because I'm now my own best friend. I give me what I'd give someone else. And I appreciate it too!
Sorry if this is a bit cheesy. But sometimes the answers are found in the cheesy things in life.
It's December 1st. Declare it "I LOVE CLAIRE Month" and give yourself a bucket list of Christmas joy. Doesn't that sound more fun that wishing someone else would give it to you?
Heck, I think I might make it I love Betsey month here too. It sounds like a great idea LOL.
Hugs!
Betsey
All good advice, Claire, of course.
I don't want to be D, either, Claire. My new job has given me a different perspective of myself, they don't know anything about Mr. Perfect, about my M, about my D. They see me as a single mom, which is true, but I find a hard label to accept. But I absolutely don't want to be M to Mr. Perfect anymore, hands down, if he wanted me back I'd say no without a second's hesitation. And so I see "single mom" as a temporary status, one that gets me where I'm going. In a year I might feel differently, might embrace "single mom" as who I want to be. But for now, it helps to see it as a stepping stone to the love of my life. I can't find him if I'm still M to Mr. Perfect.
Other than my rambly paragraph, I'll just wish you a great weekend, Clarie, and say I'm thankful for you and for MB and for Betsey and so many others over here on Surviving.
It's taken me a while to get some emotional and mental space to reply. I'm continually blown away by the generosity of time and spirit within this community. SunnyB, Underdog, Maybell, Rick1963 and others who replied with such compassion and wisdom-- I am humbled and grateful.
So, while my stbx is in my home putting my D to bed (which is entertaining because she is EXHAUSTED and he is clearly trying hard to not lose it in front of me), I thought I'd make a list of things my almost-divorce have brought me:
1) I can now get dressed in my room with the light on and not worry about making the slightest noise that would wake up my stbx.
2) I can sit in the evening quietly, and watch whatever I want on TV without worrying that I am not entertaining enough for stbx. I am an introvert whose job requires her to interact in an intensive way with people ALL DAY. I need quiet time at the end of the day to recharge.
3) No need to buy him gifts!
4) Nobody snoring next to me. Soooo loudly.
5) No more being grossed out by his hygiene/habits
6) No need to wash 5 different pots and pans unless *I* decide to cook a complicated meal.
7) THREE NIGHTS OFF from bedtime routine every week! (That's up from ZERO pre-BD.)
8) One morning to sleep in every weekend! (Up from zero pre-BD.)
9) No more constant family obligations all the time. Now I only have obligations to my own family, and I can set boundaries with them.
10) Regular, predictable, and lengthy time to myself. It's funny-- stbx used to say he missed going out all the time and staying out late once we had D4. I missed having entire days to myself. I'm an introvert, and I realize now that I need time to recharge... I never, ever had that once we had a baby, and I was drowning.
Claire,
My own personal gratitude list also included some of the same things as yours. What's sad is that we didn't actually *ask* for those things while we were married. I know I was hauling around a load of society-laden guilt, living in a world cloaked by the nasty word, "should". I stuck to the martyrdom complex pretty tightly, and found it completely liberating to admit that I was human and needed those things too.
BTW, I'm an extrovert, and my job requires interaction with people. I love that part of my job. But when I come home, I become an introvert. In order to stay energized outside the home, I need serious battery recharging by unplugging from the world when I have downtime. I'm not at all unhappy about that discovery, and I refuse to feel guilty for needing those things to stay balanced.
What I find interesting is that my XH became a serious extrovert after he left. He's got the same tendencies as I do, but he overrides them to assuage his loneliness. I was always the one pestering him to go out with me and do things. And now I've become the hermit. Weird.
I hope you can connect the dots here. Now you know your needs, and it's really important to make sure that YOU meet them. Others can't read our minds, so we must learn how to speak up lovingly.
You go, girl!
Hugs,
Betsey
Well I'm and extravert who needs alone time.
I lived an isolated childhood and once and adult I liked being home alone on the farm.
I don't need too much input to be happy on the farm. I could never leave if money came to me, but alas it doesn't and so I have to ramp it up and go to work with there sort of people (the general public) who suck the stuffing right out of you.
You need to care and validate without inhaling (my thought for not taking their stuff emotional and pyscial on board at your cost) to much of their crapola. Then problem solve if they need it.
While I am slightly better at setting a limit and doing it db style I'm not there yet and I suspect its long life journey to learn it.
Hi Claire....thanks for the gentle 2x4 on my thread. Im so sorry you are here. But reading this thread it really comes through what an amazing woman and mom you are.
I know you are having a tough time and that it s ucks. Yet you are also grateful for everything good even the little things and for that i want you to know how inspiring you are
And that through all of this you still helped me by sharing a bit of your story shows how giving you are.
I wish you and your daughter the very best and pray you find complete peace and happiness without a thought to him or the gf.
Best of luck to you,
Rain
It's my daughter's birthday. I'm so lucky to be her mama. I went through some very dark times in the last 5 years, but there is light in my life now, and a hopeful future. She is my greatest accomplishment, my dream come true. I got to cuddle with her and remember the night of her birth (it was actually very traumatic and stressful, but I didn't tell her that part), and tuck her in. Her presents are wrapped, streamers up, and chocolate chip pancakes on the menu for the morning.
I think it is a great sign that my daughter was born on the darkest night of the year... the night that reminds us that tomorrow will be a little brighter, that the nights will be a bit shorter from now on.
Betsey and Ggrass and Rain, thank you for your words that give me such comfort and strength.
Merry Christmas, Claire! You deserve a peaceful and joyful holiday, and it sounds like you have one in store. So glad you know what's important and articulate the gratitude for it. You're a good egg.
I don't know if you have read any of Cheryl Richardson's stuff, but she's all about self care. I love her. She is also a guest at the I Can Do It workshops (I went to one in 2014, and it was awesome) and she has a website. You might enjoy her touch of grace cards. They're affirming and positive. I can't make any specific recommendations here, but anything of hers would be awesome. Also Marianne Williamson. They make my heart feel grounded.
Have a wonderful day with your D4!
Betsey
Thanks, Betsey, for the recommendations. I am looking forward to the holiday... excited to have time off from work, and lots of quality time with D(now 5!), but also a bit stressed to have her for the next week on my own. Feel like there is so much to do and no time to do it, and here I am awake at midnight. Sigh.
I've been thinking the last couple of days that I may be reaching a new place in my mindset. There is still grief, but it feels...different somehow. The holidays and my D's birthday hit me really hard this year. As I sent her off to celebrate with her father, I was struck with a really deep sadness, I think magnified by the realization that this is the new normal. I mean, I've been missing out on time with her for the last two years... but I think up until very recently I still had some hope. I think I've finally let go of that, and so there is a new level of grief to process. Does that make any sense?
On the other hand, letting go for good has helped me interact with him more positively. I've responded to a few of his recent (typically long and over-explanatory and slightly anxiety-ridden) emails with lightheartedness. Easy-breezy. I am not the same overly-anxious woman he married. Somehow it's easier to be this way when I just don't really give a F anymore what he does. Because he hasn't changed all that much in positive ways, and I want someone better than him next time round.
At least, that's where I'm at today. I'll take tomorrow as it comes.
Hope everyone is having a happy holiday. Just had to share. ..
Stbx texted asking if he could speak to D.
As they were talking, D asked, "where are you daddy?"
"Where am i? I'm at a friends house"
"Who is it?"
"You don't know them."
"That's ok daddy, I can still know their name"
"It's a friend from work"
So, I know that it's his gf, and it was just so fascinating to listen to him be so uncomfortable. I mean, he left me 2 years ago and is spending xmas with his gf and her family... and his D is not a part of their lives. That must be tough. Sad, really.
It's nice to not have to live with so much pressure or any secrets. No wonder he tells me this divorce is affecting his health!
Here's to all of us, living with dignity, grace and integrity. Onwards to a peaceful 2016.
Hive,
Need some help with perspective taking and how to respond.
Stbx and my parenting agreement states that we split D5's school vacations (a week in Feb and a week in april). My work calendar follows the school calendar so I have both of those weeks off.
Stbx at first agreed to take D5 for feb. He also said he "is not taking D on vacation that week" so he's trying to find coverage.
Then I get this in an email:
Regarding Feb break, i havent heard back yet from (our part-time babysitter), so this point may ultimately be moot. But i wonder if you are planning to go away, and if not, whether you would spend tuesday / thursday morning with D5. I am confused why there is this assumption that if its my week, we have to pay for a class if the babysitter is unavailable. If you are on a vacation those days, i get it. But if not, I am not sure i understand your position."
I would like to get away for a few days (as he has done with his more flexible schedule many times). Isn't this just one of the consequences? How relevant is it that I have a vacation week,and is it unreasonable for me to hold him to our agreement. Am I entitled to my time off even if I'm not going away on a vacation?
I should add that he's recently told me about 3 or 4 instances where he won't be able to be with D5 on his parenting time because of work trips.
This has been our dynamic-- his position is logical and reasonable; mine is not.
I would like to go away for a few days but haven't made plans yet. Any thoughts on how to respond in a detached way?
Thanks.
Hi Clare,
How about something like, "I am planning on going away for a few days to recharge and have fun so I won't be available."
You don't owe him an explanation of why. Go somewhere and have fun!
Yes, that sounds fair enough - you could even strengthen it to - I'm going to be away then & won't be able to help on those dates I'm afraid....
Claire-
First of all it's completely reasonable for you to go out of town if you want to. To me that's beside the point. You don't know him an explanation that whatever you are doing on those days is just as valid as what he would be doing. I would be tempted to simply reply that you had planned on his having your daughter on those days, and that while you want to be flexible, you won't be able to help out this time.
And as to this .........
This has been our dynamic-- his position is logical and reasonable; mine is not.
At this point who cares if he thinks his position is reasonable and yours is not?
And all of that being said ...... It seems like there are lots of scheduling issues in your sitch. You might want to spend some time thinking about how accommodating you want to be overall. In my situation, I hate the patchwork childcare plans my XH puts together when a problem comes up during his time. The discomfort of worrying about where they are outweighs the comfort I would get by having a break, so for now, I usually bail him out. It sounds to me though, in your situation, that he's just complaining about the expense involved.
His argument is that I have off that week and he doesn't. (Though I should add that his job is quite flexible and he can often take time off or "work from home" when he needs to.
He thinks that if I don't have to work because I'm on break it doesn't make sense for him to be responsible for childcare unless I have an actual, out of town vacation planned.
I guess that answers it! Plan an actual out of town vacation!
Well- I guess I still have the view that it doesn't matter what he might think. If you want to spend the days lounging in pajamas while ordering takeout- that's perfectly ok. You don't need to tell him your plans. You both agreed to this parenting plan. He doesn't get to make you feel guilty that you're on vacation and available.
Not only did we agree to it but he quit mediation because *I* didn't sign it fast enough.
Do I mention anything about how that's what we've agreed to???
His stance is always, "Claire, I want you to have the time you need so if you ever want some extra time just say so."
I guess I just have to say so and stop over thinking it. You're all totally right-- why do I care what he thinks? Why should I feel guilty about taking advantage of the biggest benefit of my job. It would be different if we were together, but sorry you fired me.
Also... the timing of this vacation coincides with the first anniversary of his dad's death.
I feel like I have a constant internal battle between being compassionate and giving, and being manipulated and a pushover. I do think it's manipulative-- "if you are going on an actual vacation then your time isn't really valuable ". Mena while this is going to be pretty much my only time off till summer. And this is what he signed up for and chose.
Clare,
Just because you don't accommodate his every request doesn't make you a less compassionate person. From my limited perspective, you seem like a very devoted mom who has been very reasonable with your h. I believe you are a teacher? If so, yes, your h may be privy to your schedule. However, he doesn't get to dictate what you do. Nope.
If I have learned anything these last 2 years it's that, ultimately we are responsible for our decisions. And that goes for your h as well. Because you want to take a vacation doesn't mean you are being vindictive or punishing your h. Quite the contrary. You are taking care of you so you can be the best Clare you can be. Again, you owe no one an explanation.
I stand by my previous response. Hang in there and go have fun! Life is short:)
I would agree completely with GB and add -- if you wanted to take a STAYCATION during that week and you WEREN'T planning on getting away that you still would be well within your rights to say no to him. HIS understanding of whether something is reasonable is not the only determining factor in what IS reasonable.
I have to say, Claire, you've been very kind and accommodating to him. I'd love to see you stand up for yourself a little more and not be so quick to see his side. He doesn't give you that kind of consideration and I think his message to you about "not understanding" was snarky and rude. He's treating you like a childcare resource. He's a father. If something isn't working for him during the time you have agreed he's responsible for her, then it's HIS responsibility to resolve the problem.
I hope you know I say that because I care about your well-being. You do a hard job under hard circumstances.
Just wanted to say how much I appreciate the support and advice. I feel so strong in many areas of my life...and I am continuing to work on asserting my voice in conflicts in a productive way. Working on it at work, too.
Thanks.
Off for the weekend with D and another single mom and her daughter. Fun!!
So, a few updates, though nothing earth-shattering. My D is still moving forward. Finally (over 2 months later) got a counter-proposal from stbx's new L. I still have some financial stuff to figure out on my end, and I'm trying to stay calm about it all. It's hard. I find dealing with him to be very unpleasant. I find myself constantly questioning whether my reactions to things he says or does are reasonable. And I get conflicting advice. And that makes me wonder whether I am somehow holding on to a bit of a victim mentality in all of this. Am I wearing my "integrity" like a badge of honor instead of just going with the flow and being a "conscious uncoupler"?
The newest: He wants to introduce D5 to his gf. He's such a coward--the way he "told" me they were dating (finally) was, "I know you know who I'm dating." I guess I have a practical question-- aside from all the other emotional stuff pinging around in my head: Because our daughter was so small when H left me, (she was not even 3), we explained it to her that Daddy was going to live someplace else. We've never actually said the D word. Stbx has always been afraid to say it. (He said to me, "I don't see a married future for us," which I guess was his way of asking for a divorce.)
So, I'd appreciate some feedback on this very rough draft of a response:
"Sure, I bet D5 will like her a lot. I think it's time to be clear with D5, however, about the nature of our relationship. We have never officially told her that we are getting divorced, and if you are introducing your girlfriend into her life, I think it's important to clarify that for her. She doesn't bring it up much, but we know that she is very perceptive. I want her to feel comfortable speaking to us about this. And I realize we may not be on the same page about how to explain our divorce to her. If she asks why, I plan to say, "Daddy and I disagreed about many things, including whether or not to stay married. But we agree on one thing, and that is that we both love you very much." If she asks me further questions, I will answer as age-appropriately as possible while also staying true to my own values and beliefs."
Thoughts? I'm so appreciative of your feedback and support.
Oh... and I'm going away for a few days next week! Woo hoo!
And one more random question that keeps popping into my head...
For those of you who took your spouse's name, did you change back to your maiden name? Why or why not?
I don't really want my maiden name. I don't want to have a different name than my daughter. Why do I have to be the one to have a different name than her?? I wasn't the one who wanted to dissolve her family. I don't want to have to go through all the paperwork -- and all the public announcement -- of the failure of my marriage.
Why is this upsetting me so much?
I changed my name but I don't have kids so it didn't really make sense to keep it (and it was always mispronounced so I was happy to be rid of it).. but changing it is a huge pain in the *** once you've accumulated more stuff to change. And yes, it was awkward for many months and still to this day. Lots of people saying "congratulations!" lots of people asking "when did you get married?" I got used to saying "actually it was the opposite" pretty quickly.
All of the people I know who are divorced and have kids kept their married name, so that they could retain that connection with their kids. Some have said they might change it if they got remarried, but they would deal with that when the time comes. I do have a friend without kids that opted to keep her married name, with the idea that when she got remarried she'd change it then so it didn't make sense to change it multiple times - it certainly made things easier for her.
So, long story short, I don't think there would be anything "wrong" or unusual about keeping your married name, providing you're comfortable with it. A lot of people have the attitude that it's just a name so unless it is too painful to hold onto, why go through the work of keeping it?
For me this part of it was upsetting because it was the big public acknowledgement. My friends and family knew what was happening but changing my name made it "real" to the rest of the world, even people I barely knew.
Hey, Claire, I kept my married name, in part for the hassle, in part for the kids... And there ARE moments I wished I'd changed it back. But my maiden name is extremely common -- like, Smith common -- and I liked having something a bit less common. Also, I have had my married name 18 years. Everything I've achieved in my adult life except my undergraduate degree was in that name.
Fwiw, the only people I know who changed their names back (while having kids) had extremely contentious divorces. And changing it required explaining to the kids.
For your email, I wouldn't say "d will like her," I'd say "thanks for letting me know." I think it's a little much showing that kind of enthusiasm and you don't have to put yourself through that. He doesn't need your opinion on d's reaction to the Gf.
Divorce is unpleasant. You didn't want one and he did so by definition he's not being reasonable if he asks one thing of you. But when it comes down to it, if you trust your lawyer, that's the only opinion that matters. Nobody else's counts. How you feel should be honored as you navigate this transaction.
I will be so happy for you when this is done. It's been hanging over you for far too long. Stand strong, Claire, the end is in sight!
Thanks, MB. I really appreciate it. I can't believe I am still awake. This whole process has probably taken years off my life just in lost sleep. SIGH. Another night of not enough sleep and a busy day ahead. I'm so sick of it.
I totally get what you are saying about keeping it to "thanks for letting me know." Any thoughts on the rest of it? He has told me that he still doesn't really know the circumstances of his parents' divorce... and has also told me that he was so thrown when he found out that his dad left his mom for his step-mom.. he found out by accident when he was in college. I don't want to disparage him to her, but I also want her to know what *I* value. I wonder what he would say to her if this were to happen to her. I wonder what his mom said to him.
How do you do that without a) being judgmental or bitter ("he made a 'bad' choice) or b) painting him as weak or deficient to his D ("he wasn't capable of doing the hard part")? This isn't much of an issue right now at the age of 5, but it's going to be perhaps the hardest thing I communicate to her as she gets older. Maybe "I think you have to talk to daddy about that" will be something to say, and let him explain his side to her himself. All I can control is whether I am the kind of mom whom she feels safe enough to talk to about tough things. I pray for the strength and maturity to be that kind of mom.
Grateful for you, MB,
Claire.
Claire,
I have to tell you I'm glad I wasn't drinking coffee at your conscious uncoupling remark. I know you're not trying to be funny, but I just get you and think you are. Is that a bad thing?
I think most (if not all) of us have enjoyed the victim mentality at times during this process. I know I did. I typically played that card when I was really stressed and not managing what was on my plate; I guess it was just easier to blame him for my discomfort. Shoveling snow and yard work was my trap for years. There. I said it: years. I despise both, they were his jobs and I hated that he left me with the house and to do list from hell, so it was easy to point the finger. And the next day, I'd wake up and think, "Betsey, what is wrong with you? You have choices too."
So... you realize that you're one of probably thousands here and more in the real world whose divorce is riddled with communication problems? Apparently, your H's family of origin had a problem, and nobody taught him how to do it. Chances are, we had poor communication models as well. (My FOO were yellers... lovely. That took me years to work through.)
There is a book by Samantha Rodman that friends of mine used as their guide to telling kids about the facts of the split. Don't know if it's still out there, but it might help. Like you, I was separated for 2 years before Mr. Wonderful back handedly pulled the trigger (he filed the paper work with the county listing me as the petitioner), and my kids were older than yours when things legally occurred. All I can say is that my oldest was actually relieved when we told her we had come to the big decision. Sitting on the fence was super uncomfortable for her, and quite honestly, she didn't give us a chance anyway. It was obvious to her that her dad had moved out and moved on.
Aside from the fact that no kid would prefer to have a family that lives apart, your D seems awfully settled with you. Is she okay with the arrangement to go to her dad's? If so, I think the conversation will merely be a period at the end of a sentence. She's already living the life of a family with two homes, and you can reassure her that she is loved by both of you and that won't change. Let your actions take center stage. She may be young, but she's old enough to see what she needs to see to draw her own conclusions. Your plan sounds really great to me. You have a good handle on things, and I know you'll handle it with grace and aplomb.
LOL, when I got married, I really didn't want to change my name. In the end, Mr. W. told me that he wanted me to take his name but that it was my choice. I think I was spoiling for a big showdown then? I took his name. When we got our D, the judge asked me if I wanted to reconsider my decision to revert to my maiden name. He nearly fell out of his chair when I said, "Nope. I'm good. I want to have the same name as my kids." I think I shocked both of us. Periodically, I think of spending the time, money and energy to going back to my maiden name (which is easier to spell and pronounce), but in the end, I've had his name for almost as long as I had my maiden name. So there you have it. I am who I am.
I'll just ask you the same thing that I asked myself back in 1989: what's your motivation? Is it a knee jerk reaction because you don't want to be reminded of your failure with him? Or is it because you feel you need a fresh start? Either one is okay, but your truth is somewhere there, and whatever decision you make is fine. BTW, when I thought I was going to change it back, my oldest was okay with it. She said, "It must be weird to change it to begin with". Kinda? But yes, it's a reflection of who you are and who you want to be and this isn't a one size fits all solution.
I'm used to people hacking my married name. It makes me laugh. But it's Norwegian and I'm comfortable with it. But I'll tell you that my family was shocked I didn't go back to my easy anglo surname...
I'm not making it to the superbowl parade, so I'm off to watch it on my TV at work. TTFN!
Betsey
p.s.
How do you do that without a) being judgmental or bitter ("he made a 'bad' choice) or b) painting him as weak or deficient to his D ("he wasn't capable of doing the hard part")?
Well, if you give her information, you realize that 1) you're pulling her into your R with her dad; and 2) she's not mature enough to discern your truth from his and it will only be tougher for her.
I know it's hard but just say, "Daddy and I had some problems that we just couldn't work out. That's all you need to know right now, okay?"
When she's older, the game changes. My almost D22 has had a steady BF for 3 years. My R with her dad has been something that is periodically brought up more out of her wondering if things that happen in her life are normal? I'm a lot better at being able to tell her the truth about things. And BTW, after 13 years of being apart, I'm much more willing to tell her what I did wrong that hurt her dad too. It's easier to see myself back then differently - very similar to how we see our 13 year old selves?
Thanks for all this great advice. I'm speaking to stbx tonight to get to some agreement on how we tell D5. So interesting that he still can't bring himself to use the word Divorce.
I'm having a great week recharging in a beautiful place -- hiking, massages, yoga. And getting some healthy sleeping and eating! Just what I needed to jump start my physical health.
Claire, I'm late weighing in on this, but I kept my M name. I moved to Miami at 22, was M at 25, so almost no one here even knows my maiden name. Plus it's my kids names.
How did the talk with D5 go?
Thanks for all the support and for checking in.
We haven't talked with D5 yet. I'm trying to channel Betsey right now. .. when D5 came home after being at stbx's for a week, I said, "are you happy to be home?" or something like that. Maybe not the best choice of words.
Got a long email today expressing his concern about my use of that phrase. He wants her to think of both our places as her homes, which he says is a clear contrast to what it was like when he was a kid. (Aha, little nugget that he never felt like his dad's place was his home ).
Yes, of course that's the ideal. He seems to forget that I've been the one encouraging him to , you know, keep some clothes and PJs for her at "their" apartment so she doesn't have to live out of a suitcase every time.
Sooo... channeling Betsey because my first reaction is that he's got a lot of nerve. But I'm trying to take a step back and try responding in a different way.
I could just ignore it, or I could validate his concern. I used to think it made me seem weak when I apologized or validated his feelings... I didn't feel like I got that in return. But I don't need his validation. I know my strength and my worth and so it wouldn't cost me anything to give him that because he is not where I derive my sense of self-worth from.
:*)
Hi Claire- I had to weigh in on this one because I am going through something similar.
Since he wants D5 to feel like both places are home - what is his suggested phrasing?
I probably caused a problem in my own situation because my daughters had started simply referring to the locations as "Mommy's house" and "Daddy's house" and that bugged me because I wanted them to feel like they have a home (or homes). So I started emphasizing the term home when we were on the way back from the grocery store and places like that. They must have repeated it to XH because they came back from a visit saying "Daddy says his place is home too". To which I said "That's right - it is your home too". On reflection I think I was making a mountain out of a molehill on that one. Kids don't attribute the same emotional weight to words as we do. And when I was uncomfortable with the use of "house" versus "home" - it was more about my fears for them rather than their not feeling they have a home.
So - I would ask him for his proposed solution, but also point out it probably isn't realistic that you are going to be able to police your phrasing 24/7.
You both raise some interesting points. Kind of fascinating that your XH's are so sensitive about the verbiage. If Mr. Wonderful felt that way, he never told me about that. And honestly, I never paid attention to it.
I guess try and validate to the extent you feel you can and let them be? I am not advocating that either one of you go to bat for their dad. After all... it was THEIR decision to put this ball in motion, and honestly, this is a consequence for that decision.
And if your daughters are like my now D22, they will be the one to set the record straight. When D22 was about 13 or so, she was playing club volleyball (time consuming) and balancing school work with her friends. It was about this time that SHE asked her dad to change the schedule so that she could do it all. Instead of spending the night 2x/week during the week with him, she asked him if she could just come to dinner on those nights. He agreed, and it wasn't too long after this that she asked to scale back to every other weekend.
She did this in front of me, and I had no idea this conversation was going to take place. He pouted and exclaimed, "but my house is your home too!" My ever pragmatic daughter said calmly, "No, Dad. Your house is where I stay when I'm not at home. My home is here, in the neighborhood where my friends are, where I go to school, and where Mom lives."
There was nothing I could say, but I knew her words cut him deeply - they were the truth and not intended to hurt, and there was no way I was going to intervene or defend him or apologize. But afterward, I called him on my cell. Don't know if I ever mentioned to you guys down here, but if Mr. Wonderful lived in his car, we'd still be married. We've always been able to talk when he's in his car (on the bluetooth, of course). It's free of distraction and 99.5% of the time, I get his emotional truth.
He picked up right away and I said, "I'm sad for you. That had to hurt." He got quiet and said, "It did. It was probably the hardest thing I've had to hear since I started this whole thing. I bet you want to tell me I told you so?" I said, "No. It doesn't bring me joy to watch people suffer." I remember him saying, "Hmmm. I think this is one of those horrible consequences you tried to warn me about. Wasn't it?" I said, "Yes. I could see this coming a mile away. You moved 15 miles from us and I knew what I'd be feeling as a girl her age. But it might surprise you that she's never talked to me about this. Ever. It came as a surprise to me too, at least on the timing."
It was a game changer for us as a family. And what I've never told him is that there were many times after this that I told her she needed to make an effort to spend more time with her dad. She'd fight me on it, and then I'd tell her, "I need a break from you. So go."
Home is where the heart is. And right, wrong or indifferent, their actions drew the line in the sand for our children. It's not up to us to make them feel better about it or force the kids to do their bidding. This is a natural consequence.
I'd probably tell my XH if this came up, "Well, home is home to me. And since I have primary physical custody of them, it's home for them too. Pick your battles, because they're going to grow up pretty quickly, and you might not want this conversation to be one they remember down the road."
You're both totally good on this front.
Claire, how are you sweetie?
SunnyB,
thanks for checking in.
Time is going by so quickly. I saw an old post on FB (you know, when they share things you posted years ago)... my D5 and her little friend four years ago. Seems like such a short time and yet EONS. Time moved so slowly back then, and now it is speeding by.
Having ups and downs lately-- mostly ups, though, so I'm focusing on that. This weekend is meh. I feel like I'm having trouble connecting with others. I don't have plans with my family this weekend (we don't celebrate Easter), and it seems like everyone else is out of town or doing their own family thing. So I'm feeling a little adrift. I have D5 this evening and all day tomorrow and no one to hang out with. I'm a major introvert which means most of the time I'm perfectly content to hang out alone (and actually need and want lots of alone time), but find myself left on the sidelines when I actually want to socialize because I haven't put in the time to keep relationships solid. Plus, my D5 only wants to be with other kids, so even though I'd be fine to spend the time just with her, she would prefer to be around other kids. I totally get that. And I feel terrible that I don't have such a huge social life to offer her. Her dad, on the other hand, has a big circle of friends all with kids her age, and a large family with lots of cousins who spend lots of time together. They get invited away for vacations, weekends, etc.
Something to work on, I guess.
Hope you are well, SunnyB, and the rest of my DB village! Happy Easter to those who are celebrating.
Quick follow up to that last post.
After a very productive and enjoyable day by myself yesterday, I'm finding myself having a really rough time with D5 today. I'm cranky and irritable and impatient and very low energy. I don't know what's going on. I feel sadness and some rage inside and can't seem to shake it. Is it because I didn't get enough sleep? Or just that a holiday brings these feelings of loneliness out, or what? I've felt so off all day. I've kept thinking how much I hate parenting by myself -- how every moment with my daughter is on my own.
He gave her two great days this past Friday and Saturday filled with adventures and playdates with new and old friends. I've done that plenty of times, even though today was kind of a bust -- I guess I have to remember that because I am finding myself totally focusing on the negative at the moment. I have another 30 minutes with her today and want to enjoy it.
Such a negative post on a joyful holiday. It helps so much to know there is a community out here. I'm going to turn this around because there is no logical reason for me to feel so low right now.
How are you feeling now, Claire? Did things turn around for you?
In my opinion, you need to cultivate something with your little D that is just for the two of you. In my house it's books, a few board games, and some tv shows we always love. I'm working on branching it out from there but the truth is, we're a typical busy family. They have to cope with me falling behind on the laundry, complaints about their packed lunches, and being busy with work in a way that they don't have to with him -- and it makes our relationship more intimate. I'm OK with that.
For me, I would probably not have pulled through this experience without my kids as a reason to find my inner Wonder Woman. I appreciate that about them and am enormously grateful to them for being a source of strength. What do you see in your sweet girl that you are grateful for and that you can cultivate between you while still being true to who YOU are? After all, she comes from you, too, and deserves to know you as you are, and not just as the mom of a little tyke.
Hugs to you, Claire. Hope it got better.
Thanks so much MB.
This thread is almost over so a couple of updates:
1) D and I have a special Wednesday evening dinner date after a class she takes.
2) just responded to an email from stbx... set a boundary which I'm guessing he will roll his eyes at but I don't care:
When he took D for vacation week in Feb, he "offered" to take her for a full week (not just the week days), mainly because it suited plans he had with his family but I'm sure he thought he was doing it for my benefit. Fast forward to upcoming vacation week, "claire, since I took D for a full weekend in Feb, I thought you would do the same now."
So, generous offers from him come with expectations of payback. Noted. I replied that I was surprised, because I didn't realize that his offer came with an expectation, and that I didn't think that was a precedent we wanted to set. That will bristle him I'm sure.
But since I've already requested a weekend in June, I told him it was ok. And he is hounding me about the summer already. Sigh.
One solution is to change to an alternating weekend schedule rather than our current schedule (we split each weekend in half-- he takes friday night- Sat afternoon, I take sat afternoon - sunday afternoon ; he takes her for dinner Sunday evening and then puts her to bed hwre.
If we switch to alternate weekends, I will finally have sat nights free every other week... nut worry that a whole weekend with D doesn't give me enough recharge time? I'm nervous to start a new routine. Also, on my weekends I would have D from Tuesday - sunday night? That's a lot!
Eager for your thoughts and suggestions. How does every other weekend custody work for you??
Ah, the old unspoken quid pro quo contract... it's super passive aggressive, manipulative and controlling.
Claire, even if you honor his request, I'd call him out on it so it doesn't continue to happen down the road. Let him know that you expect him to go at face value when he requests a week.
I've had every other weekend since the get go. My daughters were 5 and 8 when their dad moved out. And it worked really well. We still honor our schedule for D19 (if you remember, she's got intellectual disabilities). He gets her 2 nights during the week and every other weekend. I pick her up Sunday night after dinner.
I've been at this a long time, and it may seem easy peasy now, but I had to work to get it so that it's where we are. In the beginning, I requested the first Sunday of every month to review the month. It may seem like babysitting, and maybe it is. But the girls needed consistency and I needed the routine. In addition, I needed him to clearly see that the things I had always done (like take off work to go to doctor/dentist appointments, etc) were on that calendar so he could see that without asking for more time, I had the leverage without changing anything. He was reluctant to do that, so it kept our schedule a lot more fair than if I didn't put those commitments in front of him. Of course, work travel was excepted, and emergencies popped up on both sides, and we did what was necessary to scramble.
Let him see how much you already do, Claire. And make it clear that he's her dad and she values their relationship. Who cares if he eye rolls. If it's in your decree, make sure you get what was given to you... it's in your D's best interests to keep her dad engaged, and it will also give you a consistent schedule to make plans too.
We are at the point where it really doesn't bother me if he needs to switch stuff up. My youngest is 19, and we're in a really good place. But it took a long time to get here.
I was an am a fan of having an entire weekend free. It gave me the chance to do things for myself. It still does. And when I pick her up on Sunday nights, she's super excited to come home. Who couldn't like that?
Set that boundary, Claire.
And hugs to you.
Betsey
Thanks so much, Betsey. He is really manipulative and controlling and is king of the double standard (but will debate to the death when called on that because of course the situations are (always) completely different and couldn't possibly be compared. /eyeroll/.
I just got a long reply saying how concerned he is; he thought "this was our agreement, isn't this what you had last year, why do you need so long to get back to me about summer plans, I am just asking for clear and timely communication like I always give to you."
I need to step back and breathe and not let myself get sucked into an argument.
I had to cut a really fun playdate short to drop D off to him. My girlfriends who I love complain about their H's-- you know, the ones who didn't walk out on them.
Sometimes it just feels really hard to stay calm with him. He's worried about his vacations with his gf, I'm worried about where my D and I will live.
Thanks again for all your support. It really means a lot. I know that someday this won't be so emotionally draining.
Hey, Claire,
Yes, when I get to the end of the second week my patience is wearing kind of thin, but I wouldn't trade a full weekend with them, or to myself, for anything, especially when I'm working. And in my case, it splits responsibilities like sports more evenly than if we split the weekend itself in half. It also makes it much easier for me to spend time with my friends AND with my New Guy than if I had only half a weekend every week.
Also in my case, I insisted in our settlement agreement that the summer schedule be set by April 1st to make sure I was able to get the kids into whatever childcare camps I need. Your D is so little it's difficult for you to look forward to the older school ages, but it matters a lot that we know what the summer looks like even in the early spring.
It sounds like there is so much flex in your arrangement that you and STBX are having a hard time working things out. Trust me, this will NOT get easier as your daughter gets older. We have all the holidays, etc. figured out in the agreement. God willing I got everything that will be applicable when they're teenagers...
This is the part of divorce that stinks. I hope you can find a way that works for your situation that minimizes the frustration and resentment that so many of your interactions with him seem to generate. Hugs to you!