My life, a transformation still in progress - 08/17/14 04:07 PM
It is coming up on 2 years since I experienced my BD. I have pulled back from the boards, over the last several months. I am not exactly sure why, but I think it has a lot to do with giving up hope on my sitch. Lately, I have been feeling a lot better about myself, and I have been happier with life in general. One big exception to this is when W comes into the conversation topic, she texts, I see her, ETC. I am still struck with so many painful emotions. Therefore, I have almost completely shut down to her. I am very reluctant to answer her texts. I never answer her phone calls. I find it almost impossible to even acknowledge her existence when we are doing a parenting swap. Often, she will try to be cordial and make small talk about D. I find myself walking away, getting in the car and peeling away as quickly as possible, often not even exchanging a word with her. I just don't wish to engage her or be near her at all. But at the same time, I dearly miss my marriage, and I know deep down I still love my W very much. It is very conflicting for me emotionally. I am sure it comes off as absolute hatred towards wife. Perhaps that is what it is. I just don't know. I do however realize, that anything to do with Wife causes me pain, so I avoid it at all costs. I am sure a day will come when those feelings are softened, but right now that is where I am.
D is doing about the same, and she is still the light of my very existence. She is VERY busy, full of life and seems to be doing fair/okay emotionally during this process. She does have times where she is looking for past connections that our family once had, searching for photos with W,D and me in them, bringing up past experiences, that sort of thing. Other times, she will be very emotional and withdrawn. This happens in short spurts, where I will find her simply checking out and withdrawing for a short period of time, often during friend activities or when she is being corrected for something she has done or is doing (not punished). I assume that is something that may never change. It may have nothing to do with our divorce, or it may have everything to do with it. My gut feeling is, she is just wired this way. She will be beginning 2nd grade soon, and I am very excited to see how she progresses this year. I have continued her education with a tutor, who she worked with 2 days a week throughout summer. She struggled to stay focused last school year, and her teacher was concerned about her advancing. She is a very smart girl, but she has a difficult time staying on track. This summer found her in the swimming pool a LOT. She can SWIM! It took 3 shots at swimming lessons and a few years of working at it, but this summer she figured it out and she's off doing laps!
Personally, I have been on a positive page. I have been more upbeat and happy with my life, at least more so than I have been in the last couple of years. I have moved past that feeling of despair that I once had, and I realize that life hasn't ended. I have no new love interests, no new friends, but I am content and moving forward at my own pace. I am physically feeling better, down around 30 pounds and able to feel somewhat attractive again. My family and home have been my number one focus. It is TOUGH keeping everything up as a single Dad! I would really like to connect with someone and have that feeling of family togetherness again, but I am not sure I can go there. I am trying to kick start myself back into the dating mindset, but the whole idea of it is so discouraging for me. I don't even know how to do the whole courting/building interest thing. I never was very good at attracting women, flirting, dating, that sort of thing. I guess that makes it very hard to find love. I should probably work on that...haha
Anyway, I just wanted to reconnect with the boards, as I wish to start spending more of my time here again.....
D is doing about the same, and she is still the light of my very existence. She is VERY busy, full of life and seems to be doing fair/okay emotionally during this process. She does have times where she is looking for past connections that our family once had, searching for photos with W,D and me in them, bringing up past experiences, that sort of thing. Other times, she will be very emotional and withdrawn. This happens in short spurts, where I will find her simply checking out and withdrawing for a short period of time, often during friend activities or when she is being corrected for something she has done or is doing (not punished). I assume that is something that may never change. It may have nothing to do with our divorce, or it may have everything to do with it. My gut feeling is, she is just wired this way. She will be beginning 2nd grade soon, and I am very excited to see how she progresses this year. I have continued her education with a tutor, who she worked with 2 days a week throughout summer. She struggled to stay focused last school year, and her teacher was concerned about her advancing. She is a very smart girl, but she has a difficult time staying on track. This summer found her in the swimming pool a LOT. She can SWIM! It took 3 shots at swimming lessons and a few years of working at it, but this summer she figured it out and she's off doing laps!
Personally, I have been on a positive page. I have been more upbeat and happy with my life, at least more so than I have been in the last couple of years. I have moved past that feeling of despair that I once had, and I realize that life hasn't ended. I have no new love interests, no new friends, but I am content and moving forward at my own pace. I am physically feeling better, down around 30 pounds and able to feel somewhat attractive again. My family and home have been my number one focus. It is TOUGH keeping everything up as a single Dad! I would really like to connect with someone and have that feeling of family togetherness again, but I am not sure I can go there. I am trying to kick start myself back into the dating mindset, but the whole idea of it is so discouraging for me. I don't even know how to do the whole courting/building interest thing. I never was very good at attracting women, flirting, dating, that sort of thing. I guess that makes it very hard to find love. I should probably work on that...haha
Anyway, I just wanted to reconnect with the boards, as I wish to start spending more of my time here again.....