Looks like my other thread finally locked. Perfect timing I think.
Marc graduated, Gabe's mom went back to CA today, and I'm sitting here with a stressful decision to make.
A friend of ours owns 2 homes here in our city. She rents them both out and she lives in NJ now. Her husband just walked out on her and left her with their 2 year old who has cancer and 3 mortgages. She has no problems with the renters in one house but the people who live in the house just down the street from us have defaulted on the rent for several months now and she is in the process of evicting them. She has offered to let us rent the place for $225 less per month than we pay now in our current house and possibly turn it into a lease purchase. I'm intrigued but I'm stressed about trying to break our lease and move very quickly....like 1 month quickly.
I'm a homebody...as if you all couldn't tell! I don't like to uproot but, other than pure laziness and being overwhelmed with how the heck to even start sorting through 13 years of accumulation, I have no excuses.
Our landlords are wonderful people who have always been quick to fix anything that needed to be repaired and have treated us like friends, not merely renters. Breaking our lease is stressing me out!
Help! I feel like I'm clinging to the ceiling because I'm so freaked out. I feel that this is the right move to make financially and could lead to the possibility of purchasing the home which could be amazing.
Barb, I know the tax system in Canada is different, but maybe not in this respect. Are you able to write off the loan interest on your taxes? If so, how do you and Josh handle that since you aren't married?
Sorry to be so long winded. I'm really nervous about all of this.
What a great opportunity! Check it out and start packing! This will save you money, help you get rid of stuff you don't need plus it is just down the street. How many years in GA do you have to live together before you are common law spouses?
How do you do your taxes now?
kat
I think it has to be 7 years. I've been filling head of household and Gabe files single no dependents. He gets eaten alive in taxes and I get a refund. I'm not sure if I can do that next year since Marc was only a full time student half the year I'll have to find that out.
I hate to break the lease but it's such an amazing opportunity.
Hi Mish,
I think this opportunity came up for you at the right time and for the right reasons. First - you need to let your landlord know that you need to move - this will save you money & reduce some of your stress.
Our tax system here is different. I claim our property tax on my income tax but Josh & I don't claim anything together. For you - I would seek legal counsel WITH Gabe there. And in that situation - you ask the lawyer whether it would be advantageous to be married. That puts it out there in front of Gabe. It would be a way to find out your legal rights & make your preference known. That outs the ball in Gabe's court. That is what Josh & I are going to do.
No one could have been more overwhelmed than me with the last 2 moves. We had masses of stuff & the move north included selling & moving from 2 houses! It can be done!
This is the time to enlist some help then attack one room at a time. Get rid of stuff now. Have a garage sale or sell some stuff on Craig's List. Throw stuff out. Donate stuff. It is costly to move things so why move what you don't use.
Just get lots of boxes & totes. Make a plan of what you need & what you don't need. Label everything & start immediately.
I think this is the change you need to propel you forward. I'm hopeful for you!
Barb
Common Law comes into effect here after 3 years however since Josh is here only part time & maintains a different address with his Toronto house - it may not be the same for us. We definitely fit the relationship status : "it's complicated"!
Barb
Well.....just something you might think about first.....what happens to this house in their divorce? If it's community property, she might be forced to sell it in the divorce. In that case I doubt a lease-to-own would be acceptable. Her ex could force an immediate sale to get his share of the equity. You need to find out a lot more about the possible outcomes.
Also.....homeownership is not a panacea. Repairs and home maintenance are expensive. How old is the roof?
Well.....just something you might think about first.....what happens to this house in their divorce? If it's community property, she might be forced to sell it in the divorce. In that case I doubt a lease-to-own would be acceptable. Her ex could force an immediate sale to get his share of the equity. You need to find out a lot more about the possible outcomes.
Also.....homeownership is not a panacea. Repairs and home maintenance are expensive. How old is the roof?
These are all good observations - bottom line I think is do your due diligence before you leap, but on the surface it looks like a good opportunity. Well worth checking in to.
BA
It's all a go.
We are setting it up so that the first year is rental only. The rent is so much lower than what we are paying so we are putting that savings amount aside as a down payment. At the end of the year, if we decide we want to eventually purchase it then we will re-write the lease to be a lease to own.
The roof is 6 years old and in good condition. They put new carpet and flooring throughout the house before the current tenants moved in 2 years ago. The current tenants have no pets so I'm hoping the carpet has survived.
We will find out more after they are out next weekend.
As far as her stbx, she doesn't believe he is going to be nasty about things. Yes, GA is community property state but she splits the rental income with him from their 2 houses here. They now live in NJ. Considering they have been losing money on this house since last year because the tenants haven't been paying their rent or only partial, she isn't looking to make anything from the property, just to keep it.
We will see what happens but I'm not totally committed to doing anything other than renting it for now. It will give us time to decide for sure.
Mish,
I'm so happy for you. I think this is the break you guys need. I've noted your progress - one room at a time as I suggested. Good for you! See - not so impossible now.
Barb
I'm completely freaking out! The previous tenants moved out and we were able to go in and take a look at the condition of the house. They left it a total mess! First, it's filthy. It needs to be scrubbed from top to bottom. GROSS! Second, the floor in the master bath has been peeled off, the blinds are busted, they removed (and destroyed) 3 doorknobs, the entire place needs to be painted and the dishwasher is apparently not working. The power and water are off so we can't check out anything else. We also can't start cleaning it of fixing it since there is now power or water! Doing all of that and cleaning out our house just can not happen in so short a time! We only have weekends.
The landlords should be doing the basic fix ups like the floor & doorknobs. I would think it wouldn't take that much. Maybe 2 months of the $ you're saving in rent? BUT - if you have any thoughts of buying - have it inspected first. Best $ you will ever spend. Paint is cheap. You can do it - ask to have water on. The work would be with it but you want to be sure there are no structural or mechanical issues and especially on a warm climate - no mold. Do your due diligence here!
Barb
I'm 99% sure we won't end up buying it. At this point, we may not even move in there.
It's overwhelming.
The owner lives out of state. It makes it really hard to get things done unless they are willing to hire a professional to do it.
I won't know until we can talk to them.
We have decided to take on the work and move. The savings will eventually lead to a down payment for a house. The state of GA has a home ownership program that could work well for us. Heck, we might be able to do it in less than a year. The down payment is minimal (less than $3,000), and the interest rates are pretty low. They don't require a massive credit score either. We will see.
We decided that if we hire a cleaning company to come in and do the top to bottom scrubbing then we could just paint at least the master bedroom and bath and living room (the places that the furniture is hardest to move once it's in)and replace the blinds in the master and the linoleum floor in the master bath I could live with fixing the rest after we move in.
So.....lots and lots and lots to do. I wish I were home right now to handle it instead of at work. When we moved from CA to GA I was laid off from work so I was able to pack and clean the entire time which took a lot of stress off me. I don't handle stress well at all!
All that being said, Gabe is being VERY sweet and caring. He saw how nervous and stressed I was and was making sure to give lots of hugs and ILY's. It's a bummer it takes me freaking out to get that from him. Maybe I need to be a wreck more often! LOL
The cleaning companies are just too expensive to do a deep clean on the house. Anything other than the typical cleaning that I would do on a weekly basis is more than triple the normal rate. I've been in there cleaning the last couple of days. The smell is horrible. These people had cats and I don't think they ever cleaned anything. Cat dander, dust, kitty litter in every corner of every room in the entire house and the bathrooms...OMG...I've seen better ones in truck stops. GROSS! I need a HAZMAT suit.
There is so much to do and I'm already exhausted and sore everywhere. That's what I get for not working out consistently. Plus, with the craziness of the last couple of months I've put on even more weight. Why can't I just be anxious and nervous all the time? I don't eat then. ARGH!
WHEW! Dodged a bullet. Last night when I got home after a super long and exhausting day (this moving stuff is going to be the death of me!) Marc told me his recruiter called and offered to move up his report date to....NEXT WEEK!!! Ummm....what?? OMG! After he strung me along for a bit he told me he decided to stay with his original date of 5AUG because he wasn't quite ready to go yet.
That was a little freaky!
My mom emotions were warring with the practical side of my brain that was telling me the quicker he goes, the quicker he will be able to get his life moving. Scary moment for this mama bear. I'm starting to get a little nervous about not having him in direct access all the time. It's the control freak in me coming out.
That's not being a control freak, that's being a Mom who loves her son! It's hard to let them fly but you're doing it...and that's love.
The house is getting there.
We have cleaned until I have nearly no skin left on my fingers and painted most of the house. It still isn't the way I like it but it will have to do for now.
I think we will just live there for 2 years so we can save up a down payment and then buy a house. At least, that's my plan. Heaven knows that plans don't always work out but I'm hoping this one will. One has to some day right?
Every day I have the reality hitting me that my 'baby' is not going to be here much longer. My heart is starting to hurt and the sorrow overwhelms me sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want him to change his plans. I'm so proud of him and I know this will ultimately be good for him. My mom side doesn't want to let go is all.
He has been at the lake with his best friend and his family the last 3 days having a blast. He hasn't called me once. He texted his dad once but that is it. I hope this isn't indicative of how it will be once he's out of boot camp. I won't expect him to call every day or anything like that but once a week would be nice. Maybe I'll talk to him about considering a set day of the week and time to call if he's not at sea.
Sorry, I'm babbling. Just journaling my current feelings and getting them out of my head.
I am a Marine veteran. During my tenure in the Corps I typically called home to speak with the folks once a week on Sunday night. I tried to do so at a time that was convenient for them and fit within the duties I had. I did so because my Mom asked me to. Some duties interfered we adapted the schedule.
When my son left to become a Marine he agreed to a weekly call. It was typically dominated by X and when it became a competition I stopped playing.
Regular calling/skypeing is tough to impossible when deployed or at sea.
During Marine boot camp there is a call at the beginning of training. It is read from a script. No conversation is permitted. My son specifically asked I answer the phone he was concerned the manner of the call would upset his mother and he did not wish an emotive response to distract his focus. They need our love and support. They need to know they can focus on the tasks at hand. They have to focus to safely execute whatever they are engaged it.
Letters are a god send. Heartfelt uplifting letters describing the day to day occurrences around the house, town, family and friends get folded and saved, to be read again and again during downtimes. It is neigh impossible to review a telephone conversation. Hand written a page to a page and a half of chatty prose as if you’re having a conversation.
MARINE Mother toughest job in the Corps…….Wife too.
If he is going to the Corps there is an online resource for family. We can figure a way to make the address available without violating TOS.
He is going Navy. His dad was a Marine (ok...is...I know, I know, once a Marine, always a Marine) and we flat out told Marc that he was not cut from the cloth Marines are made of. That's a whole special kind of crazy! LOL He has been raised in the home of a Marine so he's pretty used to being under strict orders. I know all about that crazy scripted call. I'm prepared for it, kind of, LOL. It's so different with my baby leaving.
Gabe and I were dating when he left for boot camp. I wrote letters like crazy. Of course, that was LONG before email or anything of the like. He never told me not to send it on cute puppy dog stationery. LOL! He got bent every time he got a letter from me and that was almost daily. HA! I promised Marc I wouldn't do that to him.
Thanks for the encouraging words. I hope I can maintain composure! LOL
Eight weeks at Great Lakes...He'll do fine and so will you.
My father trained at Great Lakes during a different time early 1941. Grampa was Navy also. I felt a different calling. That is often what it is or becomes, a calling.
Mom sent a single piece of chewing gum in her daily letter to me while I was at PI. I paid for each one and it took about two weeks for the gum laiden letters to cease. Mom never truly understood why I paid.
Semper Fidelis
LOL! I'll bet you did! ARGH!
Mishka
Attaching to your thread. Kuddos for your son. If I had to do it again, I would go military mainly for the schooling. I was able to get a BA but unable to get a MA, which made my BA useless. Now I am older, getting divorced, losing my job, and looking at going back to get my MA....ugh!
Welcome to my thread Scooby. It's a lot of up and down but isn't everyone? Lol.
Very true. Feel like I am on another planet most of the time. My h is one crazy idiot. But I have gotten to the point I laugh now.
my buddy once mailed a postcard with a Russian astronaut on it to me at bootcamp. We were out a ebeach for a couple of weeks, and my drill instructor called me up, handed me the postcard, and made me dig!! Funny thing is, my buddy was a Marine grunt, and he was just getting some fun payback for past transgressions! Funny memory from the old days!
That is priceless gunny! Payback is a bummer!
This move felt like it was coming together and then, last night, after working moving most of my kitchen all day yesterday, I realized that was barely a dent in the massive amount of stuff to move. How do 3 people need this quantity of stuff? If gotten rid of a ton of it but I need to do more. The thrift store was loving seeing my car pull up for a while there. I never unloaded less than 8 bags at a time.
We have to be done moving by this next Sunday. None of the big stuff can be moved until then. Even the smaller things can't go really until we have the bigger things to put them on and in.
I am going to move the coat closet and the linen closet tonight. I need to start wrapping all of the depression glass in my great great grandmother's china cabinet. That thing scares me to death to move. Gabe is petrified something is going to happen to it. It is absolutely beautiful and if something happens to it there is no easy way to fix it. The glass inside is valuable too but moving those pieces is easier than the cabinet.
Again, babbling. Too much in my head spinning right now.
I will say, Gabe is the voice of reason. I get freaked out and panicked and Gabe calms me down quickly. Thank heavens.
Take deep breaths! It will be fine. Foreseeing gloom and doom just brings that to you. Have you asked lots of friends to help out? I find if you feed people they will come.
How come you can't get the big stuff moved earlier? Either way, the great thing is that it is down the street. Not too far to move. You got this.
kat
We can't move the big stuff without a vehicle to load it in and we won't have that until Saturday morning. My cousins are coming to help and we are using her son's landscaping truck and trailer instead of shelling out money for a truck.
Mish - I've done a lot of moving in the past couple of years. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have to move out of one & into one on the same day when the folks moving into yours are in the driveway & your agreement was to switch the dishwashers from one house to the other & you've got a king size waterbed and it's an ice storm and New Years Day when no one can help. (Yes this happened). I didn't add that the furnace broke, the deal didn't close & I had a handicapped 5 year old, a 2 year old & a dog and a cat.
Just breathe! I would definitely hire a mover even if just for an hour to do the china cabinet. Don't risk something to save $. They could move the bigger pieces & the china cabinet & it would be worth every penny.
This time next week you will be in. Keep pushing yourself - the finish line is almost there. You can take your time unpacking & savoring this new chapter in your lives.
Barb
Thanks for the encouragement Barb! WOW! I would have broken down in a puddle in the driveway if that had happened to me!
I really can't afford a mover right now. I've sunk more money than I care to think about into repairing the things in the house that I found unacceptable. The dishwasher hasn't even been dealt with yet but that's the least of my worries. I just want to get this over with.
There was no puddle in the driveway - it was solid ice!
You will do this. You will be fine. And a lawnmower will be dealt with later. One step at a time. In a couple of dats - done! And you will be smiling!
Barb
Hoping moving is going well. You got this and will be happy with yourself for how you accomplished it.
Ok, I'm finally back. Whew! I feel like I must be 90 years old! Every part of my body is aching and twinging. NOT PRETTY! Gabe is banged up and bruised and aching too so I don't feel quite so bad about it. LOL I'm not alone in the pain. Last night it smelled like a rehab center in our bedroom with the quantity of Aspercreme we had rubbed all over the place.
The unpacking will likely continue for the next few weeks but that's less stressful that getting it all moved was.
Happy you are all moved in. On with the next chapter. Make it a happy one!
Barb
I second the congrats on being moved in. The hard part is over, now just take your time getting things organized and unpacked.
On another note, I think you and Gabe jumping in and moving together, sharing in the pain and gain is a real positive sign for you and the strength of your relationship. Kind of a bonding moment if you will. You are both in this together. Hopefully it helps build some strength and confidence for you. I hope you guys are enjoying your new place!
BA
We are enjoying it so far. The funny thing is the house is nearly identical to the other one. The only differences are the color of the carpet and the color and style of the kitchen and bathrooms. It's the same layout, same size, same everything else. It's comical watching our dog who we brought to the other house as a puppy 11 years ago walk around this place with the slightly confused look. Poor baby.
I feel more and more comfortable every day with our relationship. Marc left to go out of town with a friend for a few days yesterday and when I got home last night Gabe met me in the driveway and said, "It's just you and me!" with a big smile on his face. I can't tell you how encouraging just that simple statement was.
ARGH! You know, stuff like this is why I try to not plan ahead or look forward to things. Something usually goes wrong.
I am supposed to go on a girl's cruise with my BFF on 30AUG. On 4th of July she had a bit too much to drink, sat down in a plastic chair that was already broken and leaned back. Yup, it collapsed and she cut her hand on the broken plastic. 11 stitches later she is fine but she can't work for a week. She's a nurse. Obviously, without being able to use her hand she can't do her job. She only has enough PTO to cover the time off for the cruise. She now has to use it for her injury. They typically will cancel scheduled time off (even if she takes it without pay) if you don't have PTO available. Non-refundable airline tickets, non-refundable cruise fare and the trip insurance won't cover a 'work related reason' only medical.
She will find out for sure today if they will let her keep the scheduled time off. It's not looking good.
And the hits keep coming........
Marc's friend was going to take him to a DMV center 1 hour away next Friday to take his driver's test for his license. He has to have it before he can leave for boot camp. Now, his friend can't do it because we just found out that his car is not in his name, it's in his parent's names. The owner has to be present with proof of insurance and registration in their name. This is a disaster. It takes a LONG time to get an appointment and this was the first one and the closest we could get for 2 months. NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NOW!!!!
The panic attack is coming on quickly now.
Oh and did I mention the hot water tank in the new place doesn't work and we've been taking cold showers?
I'm over it! Time for a drink.
Does Marc have another friend that actually owns the car that can take him? Or are this other kids parents willing to add him onto the title?
Get on the phone with your friend the landlord. You can't be expected to pay for everything to fix the house up.
So when you are talking about your friend and the vacation, you have already paid for your part right? Can someone else go in her place ?
Think positive thoughts and take one thing at a time and fix things from there. No one expects you to tackle it all at once.
kat
I'm working on the positive thinking. It's a huge struggle.
Marc only has 1 friend that drives and that's the one that fell through. Gabe called the DDS and asked if he could test in our car since the only thing not working is one front turn signal. Nope. So he asked if he could rent a car and bring him down there and let him test in that and they said yes. I can't imagine that being correct since Marc can't legally drive a rental vehicle but that's what they told him and it's our only option. Still sweating it out on that one.
I finally was able to get in touch with our landlord/friend. She has a 2 year old with cancer so she is sometimes very hard to reach depending on the chemo treatments. She called me back last night and is calling her 'guy' who handles plumbing issues to see when he can come take a look at it. I hope he can fix it soon because I am seriously sick of cold showers!
One problem solved! My friend convinced her supervisors to still let her take the time off! Thank heavens. It was a VERY cheap trip but it's something we have been looking forward to for a long time. Just she and I relaxing and having fun together. No spouses, no kids, no parents....just us. We haven't done that in about 12 years.
Um, that is 3 problems solved! I would say get the turn signal fixed on your car as it will probably be cheaper than the rental.
Your friend is getting her guy to fix the hot water heater and your BFF gets to go on your trip. Live is falling into place.
Hugs, kat
The turn signal is out because Gabe hit a deer. My front end is smashed up a bit and something is wrong with the electrical over there. Estimate to fix it without the body work is $700. That's moneyI don't have sitting around right now. 😢
I'm slowly unpacking boxes and hanging pictures. I'm not in any huge rush since all the essentials are in place. It's just the little touches that really need to be done. It will get there.
Well, in Gabe's own words to his sister tonight during a phone call for his birthday......."marriage is overrated".
So ends that.
Mish,
I'm so sorry for how this hurts you. And I probably understand it better than anyone as I have wanted for Josh to want to get married for 10 years now. But I've taken stock of our situation & realize that I have a good man - just as you do and love the life we are living together. No bonds of marriage are going to improve that. In fact - Josh worries that marriage could wreck it.
I don't believe that Gabe is going anywhere. I hope you can appreciate what the 2 of you have and continue to grow as a couple, especially after Marc is gone.
Hugs to you as I know how much those words hurt. But ask yourself if you are happier with your current situation or if he was gone. Sometimes we have to accept the compromise and just move fwd.
Barb
But you also have to realize that you only heard one side of the conversation. You know that he didn't say that while talking to you about getting remarried. Perhaps she was having problems in her own situation. You just can't jump to conclusions.
Hugs, kat
He was on speaker phone with her sitting right across from me.
When he hung up I asked him why he said that marriage was overrated. He said that he doesn't feel marriage is important. People live together for years, have kids, then they get married for some reason or other and end up divorced. Why go through all of that? That was the point he was making to his sister. They were having a conversation about their mom. She is losing her apartment (subsidized housing being torn down by a developer and she can't find a place to live that she can afford.) His sister has a nice apartment and is never there. She is always at her boyfriend's house or on the road (she is an actress and travels a lot for work). He asked her why she didn't ask their mom to live at her place at least until she could find somewhere to live that she could afford or better yet, she could just move in with her long term boyfriend since she's never home anyway. She vehemently rejected that idea. She said she 'won't move in until there is a ring on it because she's old-fashioned that way' Ummmm.....ok......she is the most liberal person I know! She is all up in arms about living with her boyfriend? That just seemed weird to me but whatever. So, Gabe told her marriage was overrated.
I got a little teary eyed while talking to him about it afterward. He told me how he felt about it and I told him that in my eyes marriage is a deeper commitment and it's important in helping create a greater connection.
Yes, I am going to have to decide if I can continue to live like this. My heart and head being at war with each other is truly exhausting. My head says that he isn't going anywhere...where the heck would he go? The small voice in my head answers that with 'to the next OW he finds because he's not tied to you in any way...not that it matters'. My heart says that he loves me but my heart wants him to commit to me fully.
I don't know if I deserve that. I know I want it. What we want and what we deserve are not always compatible.
*sigh*
I need to digest this for a while.
That would have been the perfect time to say "well marriage is very important to me and something I want in our relationship.". You got half of it out. You know this is going to come to a head soon. Time for the talk.
kat
Yes, I wasn't 100% clear about just how important it is to me. Missed opportunity.
As I suspected, Marc wasn't able to take his driver's test in a rental car. Gabe was told over the phone by DMV that he could but that was completely incorrect. However.....Marc was misinformed in the first place! He doesn't have to have a driver's license to go to boot camp! He only needs state issued ID per his recruiter. OMG! I've been in a panic over nothing! Darned kid!
So.....one less hurdle to jump through.
We will drop him off at the hotel on 5AUG and he does his final MEPS physical exam on 6AUG and departs for Great Lakes. Less than 3 week left with my baby.
I got that wrong...we drop him off on 4AUG and he does his final physical and swears in on the 5AUG and departs.
2 weeks from today!
Think of it this way Mish, how many kids Marc's age, know what they want to do? He wants this and will be doing something he feels strongly about. I know how hard it is to let go, I deal with it too.
This will make your relationship stronger. I promise.
kat
I'm sure it will. My heart is just a little heavy. I'll miss him so much but I'm so proud of him for working toward his goal.
We had Marc's going away party last night. It was wonderful for him and we had such a nice time visiting with his friend's families. His friend's parents hosted the party at their house since we don't have room for it and she and I had an enchilada throw down...per Marc's request.
It was super fun.
That's got to be better than an enchilada throw up (you had to know I'd go there, right?) Glad you all had a great time. It'll certainly be a big change.
LOL. Definitely better than that Wii!
(((Mishka)))
Wow, your baby is flying the nest. What a big step. You must be so proud of him, and I think you should be proud of you too for being a fantastic mother. Raising a boy that goes for it and fulfils his aspirations - amazing!
How did the house move go? Are you settled in?
Thank Julia! I'm a nervous wreck about it but I'm excited at the same time.
The move went ok. I still have a bunch of stuff in boxes that I haven't figured out where to put but it will get there soon.
Breathe, breathe, breathe,breathe.....
Dang! I'm starting to get panicky about next week. Monday evening his recruiter picks him up and takes him to the hotel near the MEPS station and the next morning he has a final physical and swears in and then he's uncle Sam's property! OH LORDY!
Hey, completely understandable! Hang in there Mish. It's a huge change for all of you.
EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The recruiter just picked up my baby!!!! I'm at work! They had said they wouldn't pick him up until late afternoon but apparently there was a scheduling conflict so they picked him up early.
Aww Mish. It will be ok. Take deep breaths. Don't you get to see him tonight at dinner? You will get through this. Keep a brave face for Marc. He needs that now.
Big hugs, Kat
EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The recruiter just picked up my baby!!!! I'm at work! They had said they wouldn't pick him up until late afternoon but apparently there was a scheduling conflict so they picked him up early.
Hang in there Mish! He's starting a very exciting phase in his life. I never for one minute regret joining the military. It provided me with a strong and clear structure, taught me valuable job and life skills, built within me a sense of confidence with solid values and gave me an opportunity to see the world.
Remembering back on my own induction - tonight will be his last "fun" time for a while. Starting tomorrow the military is going to give him a bit of shock and awe. He may initially think he's made a great mistake (at times I thought I had), but he just needs to keep his focus on the goal of taking things one day at a time and getting to graduation.
You are going to be prouder than ever and impressed with your son the next time you see him!
BA
Thanks guys! I'm hanging in there. He knows I'm sad to see him go but has no idea about the amount of anxiety I have. That would not be fair!
He is at the recruiting office right now doing some more paperwork (government red tape at it's finest) and then they will take him to the hotel. We are leaving it up to him as far as dinner tonight goes. I hope he wants us to come up there and have dinner with him but he likes to branch out on his own and do his own thing. I will definitely see him in the morning at the swearing in but that will only be for a few minutes.
Hi Mish!
I'm glad you got to the point you posted - when I dropped D20 off at school 2 years ago, she told me that the one thing she needed from me was my unwavering support and cheer leading for her first step toward becoming an independent, functioning adult. She promised me she'd call at least once a week and that she looked forward to our relationship growing too.
At that time in our lives, we had been fighting. My issues were centered around letting go. Her issues were with figuring stuff out on her own without my commentary - and pushing me away so she could breathe. The only way she felt she could do this effectively was to say stuff that made me leave her alone.
I know boys don't typically have those issues with moms, so I'm pretty sure that isn't part of your dynamic with Marc.
But... he probably needs you to be really, REALLY happy for him. He's fulfilling HIS dreams for himself, and that's huge. Nature abhors a vacuum, so you'll find other things to do to occupy your time. I sure hope it's not filled with invisible worry! He'd hate that!
Anyway, I svcked it up and oddly enough, I discovered how much I liked having space and time for myself. It kind of reminded me that I had free reign to design my time around stuff that I enjoyed. This year, I'm painting furniture. I plan on starting on the kitchen cabinets right after she leaves next week. While I truly do miss her company when she's gone, it truly surprises me that I'm as happy when she goes back. Go figure?
So give yourself some time to adjust and feel what you feel. Just promise yourself that you won't stay there - you have to connect with friends and support yourself through the transition. You can do it!!!
Good luck-
Betsey
Hey Mish
How was your Son's induction ceremony? Hope you were able to be a part of that event. Send him lots of letters if you can. I remember one of the things I enjoyed most was getting a letter from home. I know they probably have email access these days, but in my mind nothing tops a handwritten letter or card.
BA
Hey BA!
Nope, no email addresses until long after boot camp. At BC it's strictly written letters. He's going to think his arm has been cut off without his phone permanently attached to it! It will be a great technology detox for him!
It went very well. I only teared up once while I was with him...ok twice. Once during the oath when I could hear him say his name and again right as we were leaving the building and leaving him behind. Only a little teary, not full blown crying........until I got outside where he couldn't see me. Then the dam burst! Gabe doesn't understand why I'm so upset. I keep telling him it has nothing to do with being worried or scared for him. It's the breaking of the mama/baby bond that is ripping me up. It will get better, I know, but it's going to take a little time. Heck, just sitting here typing this I'm tearing up again so I'm going to stop!
Glad that you were able to explain that. It means you are getting closer to be able to express your feelings without being terrified.
You and Gabe are going to create a different relationship now. I bet he is excited about that!
Kat
Oh sure he is......
Mr. unemotional. LOL
UGH! I can't tell you how many times a day I see something or hear something and think "Marc would love that!" or "Marc should see that!" and then I realize he can't.
One sad mama! I know it's just going to take time being separated from him to get used to it. Heck though, my mom passed nearly 4 years ago and I still sometimes think of thing she should hear and realize she's gone.
Stinks!
So take pictures! You can keep them together until he is able to receive them! I am sure he would love that you were thinking of him enough to do that.
My grandma has been gone for almost 15 years. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. The cardinals from here are indeed a blessing.
Big hugs, kat
I got an address to write to Marc! It came yesterday as did his box of personal effects. I already had 4 letters written to send him so I sent one today. I'll send another tomorrow and so forth. He only has a chance to respond on Sundays. Hopefully he will. He's not the most prolific of writers!
Hey Mish - trust me your letters will mean a lot to him. Just keeping him informed as to what's going on in the normal world will be very welcomed by him.
Best,
BA
Thanks BA! That is the plan. No sappy, mushy, heartfelt letters. Just lots of stupid day to day stuff with words of encouragement thrown in.
Sigh, Mish. My D20 just stopped by my work to say goodbye and give me a hug, as she and her dad are beginning the drive back to NY this afternoon. I'm not crying (or even tearing up), but I just feel sad. So I know what this is like from your point today!
I've decided that I'm going to start writing her as well. I think I'll get cards and send one a week, and maybe a care package or 2 per semester. I won't ever get this time back, so why the heck not?
Now... gotta figure out how D17 feels about all of this. Last year, she was very unhappy about her sister leaving. She's held back in getting close this summer, so we will see.
Upward and onward
Hugs,
Betsey
HUGS Betsey! It's so hard to watch them go. I've sent Marc 2 letters already but haven't had one from him. Of course they are only allowed to write on Sundays and Marc doesn't like to write so I'll be amazed to get something from him.
I miss him so much! I just want to know that he is handling this ok.
I got panicky this morning when I read something from another mom with a son at boot camp. He shipped out the same day as Marc and sometime this week had an accident and dislocated his wrist and is being discharged. I have bad dreams every night that something like this happens to Marc (because he is totally accident prone!) and he gets separated from the Navy. If that were to happen it would destroy him! This is all he has ever wanted. He's not prepared to do anything else.
That keeps me on edge all day, every day.
Thanks, Mish. We're all good now. D17 had a rough first night (she sobbed after we did a Face Time chat with her sister and dad), but got back to normal by the time we did the chat again last night. It's all good here.
I think it's a mom thing to worry and have weird thoughts about things. Marc is gonna be fine. Now you just have to get a hobby that makes you happy so you can focus on that. My hobby right now is painting stuff. It's like art therapy to me. I either have the TV on or listen to music and for whatever reason, it just makes me feel... happy.
It could be knitting/crocheting, painting canvas, photography or decoupage. Heck, I even love to color. Earlier this spring, I did my poster board of visualizing to pull out when I need a little reminder of the life I want to create. LOL, in the travel portion, I found that I put New York and Canada there. Did that in May and will be going to NY twice in October. LOL. My D20 wants to go to Montreal with me for spring break. I'm considering it!
Anyway, get busy dreaming. It's not only good for you but cathartic. And it definitely helps ward those weird dreams off!
FTR, I've been having some really weird dreams myself. I don't even know what that's about. So maybe it's the letting go process at work in our subconscious minds?
Hugs back atcha-
Betsey
It's like art therapy to me. I either have the TV on or listen to music and for whatever reason, it just makes me feel... happy.
Like a room without a roof?
Sorry couldn't resist! A hobby is a great idea. Unfortunately, when it comes to painting or doing any kind of craft type project I have zero and I do mean ZERO talent in that area. Perhaps my hobby could be determining the very best tasting scotch...that's better than a room without a roof!
BA
That's probably my kind of hobby too BA!
My stick figures look like they were drawn by a 2 year old!
I used to do some crosstitch but it bothered my neck and my eyes. I'll keep looking through. Maybe I can find something to do that doesn't take much artistic ability.
I'm so excited! I got a call this morning from Marc! He could only talk a few minutes but he sounded so good.
He is loving it and doing very well. He is a flag carrier for his division, passed his swim qualification, passed his DEP test which along with passing his DEP physical fitness test (this coming Monday) will give him E-2 (bump in pay)which would be excellent. Every little bit helps. He is excited and he says he is energized because it's exactly what he wants to be doing. I'm beyond thrilled!
I am so happy for you. It must feel good that he is enjoying what he is doing, what he has dreamed about. He is lucky.
Maybe we all could learn something from Marc.
kat
You know, being a natural born worrier is a horrible thing!
I have bad dreams every darned night that Marc is being separated from the Navy and comes home depressed and miserable and we are unable to help him find a direction. This is a nightly occurrence and is making me a bit crazy!
Last Saturday several of the moms on the navy for moms message board I belong to said their recruits called them. These are moms with boys in Marc's division yet Marc didn't call. Then I hear that his division has a lot of frustrated recruits because some of the guys still behave like this is high school and cause problems for the rest of them. UH OH! This doesn't sound good. It sounds like something Marc would do. Of course, I have no way to know that and Marc would never tell me if he was the problem anyway. That would mean that I would have to hear from him though which I haven't! I did have that one surprise phone call from him for a few minutes and we had one short letter. ARGH! This is so hard!
I'm hoping that taking this trip with my BFF will help take my mind off of it all for a few days. 5 days of being out of pocket will hopefully clear my head.
It's a huge adjustment. The thoughts will come...and they will go. The problem with worriers is that we grab on to them and try to analyze and figure it all out and therefore relieve our anxiety. Doesn't happen! Hang in there Mish. Hope you an amazing trip
Apparently all that was required was me getting to my top anxiety level to put that signal out to the universe. Marc called tonight! I had just finished making dinner and he called Gabe's phone. We got to talk to him for 48 minutes and it was wonderful. He's doing really well. He has had a couple of setbacks but all in all everything is going well. Whew! I feel so much better.
that's great! Sadly though, your brain really does believe that your anxiety brought this about...that's why we worry, we think we're controlling something that we really aren't. If I don't worry, then something bad will happen...I'm protecting myself. Worry is such an interesting structure...it's absolute BS but somehow we keep doing it 'cuz we have this weird belief that it has some real value. Think about it, what other things do we do that have no real benefit but we do them anyway? Hmmm.
Very interesting take on it Wii. No, I don't honestly believe that was why the call came. It just is a wonderful coincidence (or divine intervention???).
Hmmm....what other things do we do? Lordy, I know for a fact that I have complete conversations in my head before I even attempt to have them in person. Even regarding the most mundane topics! I call it crazy head, especially since, if the subject is especially difficult for me, it usually doesn't come out the way I rehearsed it!
Good for you, Mish! I think you and Wii are on the same page here. I believe in manifestation myself. And you got exactly what you wanted and needed.
I think Wii was just trying to say that it would be wise to deal with that anxiety. I've also personally experienced the manifestation of things that I conjure in my anxiety. And who wants what that brings? He's right that anxiety is often far worse than any outcome. And you deserve better!
Just think back to when you were 18. Did you feel anxious being away from your mom? Probably not. Probably excited about living on your own. It helps me put it in perspective.
I come from a long line of women who leave home - on both sides of the family. It's kind of weird. The men stay put and the women bolt. I was fortunate that my mom was fully supportive when I moved from VA to CA in 1988. Of course, everyone thought I'd last a year and move back home, LOL. I met Mr. Wonderful that year and it never happened. I think they were happier when we moved to Denver. It shaved a couple hours off the plane trip, but I know my family would love to have me back. That ain't happening. Ever.
So when my D20 told me she was going to college in NY, although deep down inside I was happy for her, I really wasn't. I hated the thought. And then one of my BFF's back in VA reminded me that we had both dreamed of doing the same and did. She told me it was what I raised her to do, and if I didn't support her, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the face of the earth. I finally admitted to everyone that I missed her, and it was the selfish side of me speaking.
Now I've accepted that she will ultimately find herself on the east coast somewhere. That's where the chemical engineering jobs that interest her are. Well, also in Michigan, and she's sworn off their winters because she's come to see that I was right about being spoiled in Colorado. I support her and tell her all the time that planes solve problems. And distance doesn't stop me from visiting my family and vice versa, so whatever she decides to do, she does with my blessing.
By changing what was in my heart, I changed the dynamic between us and my life here in Colorado. My soul is much happier for doing the work. And truth be told, I know D20 has noticed it. We get along really well again. That's the boon of growing up.
Sigh. Now to deal with a really crabby D17. She may have special needs, but she's still 17. And there is pretty much nothing worse than a 17 year old girl. Biatches. Crabby, ornery biatches. And sad to say, I was once one of those total pains in the a$$ too.
Hugs, and be gentle with yourself!
Betsey
p.s. Have you thought about getting treated for the anxiety? It really is much better when you see how debilitating it is. Don't feel bad. I also come from a long line of people with anxiety issues too. The important thing is to take it slowly and be patient with yourself.
Hey, I'm the King of Anxiety! My father was on AD's for as long as I can remember for anxiety. Worry is anxiety. I believe that when I'm worrying that I'm 'processing"...I"m gonna figure it out and therefore relieve whatever is bothering me...which rarely happens but when it does it just reinforces this stupid behaviour. I also believe that I'm somehow protecting myself against the "bad thing" happening to me. It also becomes the way the brain automatically starts processing information..."what if" is my middle name lol! Your brain doesn't give a crap what goes through it as long as something does...so it just does whatever is most expedient when new input comes in. So my point was that we worry cuz we think it's a good productive and protective thing...which it is not! Anyway, that's my take...glad he called, Mish...now you can worry about whether things are really OK, or whether he just said that lol. DON'T!!!
now you can worry about whether things are really OK, or whether he just said that lol. DON'T!!!
Get out of my head Wii!!!!
You knew exactly what I was thinking and that is only slightly scary!
I'm doing my best to just take what he said at it's face value. He really is a smart kid and tries his best to do the right thing. He did tell us he got IT (intensive training - in the Marine Corps they call it getting bent)because he missed his watch duty because he had to go to medical for something. I'm sure the trouble was because he didn't get someone to cover his watch. I figure if he's willing to share that then he's probably being pretty open with us about what's going on. He even admitted that the first week and a half he cried every night in his rack. He said he doesn't now and everything is getting better.
Boy, do I miss him though!!!! Hearing his voice was wonderful.
I bet you did love talking to him. I think he probably needed a Mom and Dad recharge too!
. I think kids go through states. When they are little, they are like puppies. They are playful,adorable and sweet. Then as they become older they turn into cats. Feed them, give them a bit of money and let them be. Then as they become adults and see what the world is about, they become dogs. A bit more patient, more loyal and tolerant.
I have two transitioning from cats to dogs. One in cat mode and my youngest, torn between puppy and cat. We all get there in the end.
Big hugs, Mish.
Hey Mish,
Just checking in. Have you heard from Marc lately? Hope all is going well with him and you of course!
BA
Sorry I've been MIA.
I was out of town and since I've been back I've been completely slammed with work! Imagine that.
I had one VERY brief letter from Marc last week. I'm hoping for one in the mail when I get home today. He can only mail out on Sundays so it gets in the mail Monday and doesn't get to me until Thursday.
It feels like forever! One of the other moms on his FB page for his graduation date said in the letter from her son he told her they might get a call on the 13th or 14th. He's one division away from Marc so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that his division gets one! I need to hear his voice.
I'm doing fine. Vacation was awesome and just the recharge I needed. Gabe was super happy to have me home after the cruise and that was a good feeling - to know I was missed. My BFF that went with me got bad new though when we returned to port. She turned her cell phone on and the first thing she got was a message from her H's sister saying they heard about what happened and asking how he was doing. WTH??? She called him and he told her he had a heart attack! Mild one, but a heart attack is a heart attack!!!! OMG! He told her not to come home early, he was fine and resting at home. She came home with me and on the next morning she called him and he was back in the hospital! Again, he told her not to come yet. They were just running tests trying to decide on a next step. She changed her return flight to just be earlier on the same day she was going home. Thankfully he seems to be doing better. They are talking about putting in a stint. We'll see.
I'll let you guys know what Marc had to say if I get a letter from him today. I can't stand sitting here at me desk not knowing!!! LOL It's a good thing I'm not home when the mail comes, I might tackle the poor mailman!
Just venting........
Tomorrow is that day again. It would have been our 21st anniversary. UGH. I have done better this year though. I haven't been dwelling on it for a week or more beforehand. It's only this morning that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm plastering on my smile and moving on like a big girl should.
That's going to be extra hard today though since I'm not caffinated!!!!! Ran out of coffee yesterday and forgot to get more.
Do you want to celebrate it? Do it. Get a card, make a special dinner. It is still an anniversary.
You can't continue to push down these feeling and say it doesn't matter when it has been obvious for years that it does. Create the life you want. If Gabe doesn't want the same thing, better to know now then later. Your feelings and dreams are just as important and valid as his. Value yourself Mish. I do.
kat
I really don't want to celebrate it, I'd prefer if my mind would let it go completely. I was almost there this year dang it!
I hear you kat. Yes, my feelings are valid but they are just that, feelings. That doesn't mean there has to be any action associated with them does it? We can't always have what we want anyway. Better to learn to accept disappointment and move on than to dwell on what you didn't get.
I am happy in a lot of other ways and I will continue to hold on to that.
Yes, feelings are feelings and it's best not to dwell on them but, that said, when the same feelings keep coming up they are telling us something. It's a fine line between letting them go and ignoring them.
Coffee Shop Drive Thru Lady told me today she is taking ten days off for vacation. I asked where she was going and she pouted and said "nowhere, I'm staying home" So I told her I just did that for two weeks and you can find all sorts of nice places to go in the city. So I said I'd see her tomorrow...she said OK...hopefully, she's there lol. I stopped at a bookstore tonight and bought her a Guide to Toronto book as a vacation gift and if she's there tomorrow I'll give it to her. I'm buttering my bread on both sides these days lol.
oops, sorry Mish...I posted in the wrong thread again!