UPDATE: Detaching Detaching Detaching...breathe and let it go.
I realize he's never coming back...I will focus on me and my NEW life and continue to pray good things for him.
Patience...we'll see. Working on GAL, 180's PMA's etc. Don't know where this is going to lead.
I want something more than him with OW...if it was MLC, I would be here to help him through it. He is NOT a MLC... he is a WAS. Acceptance is half the battle.
Now focus on ME... I've been waking up looking in mirror with a gift waiting for me to open...it's my new life.
Gonna send this thread over to the Surviving the Big D...maybe I can get some chats there.
Not sure I did this right, but here is my sitch from Midlife Crisis. Originally that's what I thought it was. After, reading and researching and taking it all in X is a WAS...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2381736&page=1
Here's my goals...where I want to be with X and my new life...
I know for me it's a long way off before he even can see me again...so I'm doing my GAL, PMA, 180's...working on me stuff. I suppose that's what the coach is helping you with? I mean I have no contact with X...a very few exceptions, such as asking me about cremation bill regarding our dog.
He doesn't ask or want to know about me (guilt, shame, too hurt, i don't know) but honestly he acts as if he's all ok with everything and mature about it all. Still very angry with me and can't look me in eye when we do run across each other which is about twice a year.
I just hope he may hear of how wonderful I'm doing through my friends family and possibly mutual friends on facebook. It just doesn't seem to phase him.
If and I mean if, he ever thinks about us, it will be 20 years down the road as he is in love with this OW. As he told my parents they are compatible and have so much in common. I expect now they will marry at some point. It's been going on 3 years with long distance relationship...every visit is a honeymoon.
My goal...I'd like for him to see me as the person he fell in love with. He made me into such a monster, such a horrible person compared to his new soulmate. He's told me, I don't like who you are as a person. A lot of very hurtful things. I've slowely gained "respect" from being the caretake of our D. But I'm a mom and he still has a lot of faults with that (being an enabler and not helping her independence). Things of which he has no idea what goes on since he is a Holiday dad visiting twice a year.
Anyway, my goals to achieve this would be:
1. Live my live as Assertive, Independent, self-assured person
2. learn to communicate and present myself in the above manner without the sarcasm, blame, victimization, etc.
3. become more healthy through cooking (D already lost 20 lbs.) I'm a GREAT cook but to him I don't cook healthy. He's all into eating healthy now with OW.
4. become more athletic. I used to bike to work and ride 30 miles a day, etc. You know with kids, job, lifestyle, it became harder and harder to have time for me. Now just as hard as I care 24/7 for D. but I have to make it work, for me! I want to lose weight in the process and go for trail hikes and ride bikes again. I joined a dragon boating club. things like that I used to be a part of.
5. Financial independence. I do accounting bookkeeping for a living but never made time to keep our personal finances in order. He didn't help either. We lost everything after D accident, house, car, truck, credit, business, etc. Blamed me for all of it...took some of the credit but mostly me because I had worked for our business for 10 years. When market bottomed out and couldn't stay a float, it was my fault. I just started Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University classes WITH my D. She's 22 and I want her to learn about her own money.
Ok...my life goal, once I achieve my 180's:
1. D independence. Not out of my life but where she can live on her own whether with hired help, or a relationship.
2. Companionship/Friendship
3. Financial Stability
I would love nothing more than to grow old together with my X and have our family D and S and their families together. Reconciled with both sides of families and mature the love we truly have for each other.... yeah and cinderella lived happily every after.
If not X, I know the kind of person I want to be with. Not searching but eventully I feel God will lead me to him...I pray it's my X.
I don't know how that will ever happen. I have nothing but love for him, yet his R with OW is starting to eat away at me. My sister said I need a rebound...someone to take my mind away from him and put back on me.
Patience patience patience and wait for him (WAS not so much MLC) to get his heart broken by OW. I don't see it happening. And when I do become the BEST me that only a fool would leave... He'll be happy for me. Is it possible to change that around? Not when you're invisible and buried while OW on pedastyle.
What do you think?
L4MD -
What you need is to LIVE YOUR LIFE without thinking about whether or not he'll ever come back. I'm not saying it's not possible - it is - BUT it is MORE likely to happen once you have COMPLETELY moved on! So you really need to just LET GO and move on with your life - you always have the option to take him back in the future IF you want to at that time. You certainly don't want him back until he becomes a much better, less selfish person, and that's likely to take a whole lot of time.
I LOVE that you and your daughter are going to FPU. Check out mrmoneymustache too - my current favorite frugality blog. They say the best revenge is living well, wouldn't it be great a few years from now for you to be financially independent and ex still be in debt?
Once you start dating you might find, like I did, that you had gotten used to a certain level of disrespect from your H, and it's SOOOO much nicer with a man who values you and treats you right. (Even the Love Avoidant hermit-tending unavailable guys I dated when I was first divorced, treated me better than my ex.)
Now is the time for you to create the life you want to live. Quit worrying about the ex. You can do better than a man who would abandon you in the midst of a crisis like this. Seriously.
KML, thank you for the reply. It's nice to talk through this with others. I used to go to therapy but can no longer afford it.
The FPU thing came as a sort of divine intervention and I'm really excited about it now. Financial independence is something that would be so 180 for me, plus, now that I'm single I know I can do this on my own and not have to fight with the other half to work through it.
I've become more open to dating. It is very hard to have my D see me looking for something else even though her dad is in a serious relationship that she's never met. Only a matter of time though. It's like acceptance that if I see other people it makes what her dad did ok. So I was holding myself in my own prison. Now it's just difficult to meet new people being that I'm in a totally new town, new state.
I joined meetup.com, go to great chruch and attend ladies bible study, and just recently joined a dragonboat racing club. I don't get a lot of free time with D. It's just her and I and she is struggling with friendships also, being in a wheelchair it's that much harder for her.
I have changed my viewpoint that's why I posted over here to divorced area. This is where I need the most help and focus is that I AM DIVORCED. Everyday is a NEW start. I'm just trying to figure out what it is that I want it to be. I leaped out the door now I just need to keep walking and quit running back inside...
My D reminded me today that we've been in Florida for two years (!!!) this October! OMG can't believe it time has just flown by...but also it made me realize that it's going on 3 years divorced in March.
WOW! That's a long time to still think he's coming back. hahah. But honestly that's what I was holding onto. That this is just a phase. He's been with OW for over THREE years now!! since before D. He has so moved on and I still get hurt over things he does with her.
ACCEPTANCE....Detachment. Detachment. Detachment. New life better me!!!
Starting to feel the shift and it feels good inside.
Yes sometimes it takes hitting yourself upside your head before the lights come on (it took me a long time too), but when they do that's when you can really start moving on in the right direction and believe me, it is very liberating and satisfying in the long run.
BA
Wow...looks like a new lease on the outlook here!
Glad to see your move to living for you in the now...and yet know, that there will still be some cycles of emotion(now and then)....they only serve to remind us that that bond was real, was significant, and that we really did/and do love as much as we thought....and who knows what the next day will bring....each day gets better and better, brighter and brighter....God has not forgotten about you or your prayers!
Keep the path open (if you choose) to anything that might make your heart happier because of it!
There are plenty of examples where someone reconnects a few more years than they where hoping, but the good news is, they reconnected for the right reasons!
That one story I was telling you about took that woman 7 years to get her husband back to a place where they were once again a family....and they are still going stronger than ever some 11 plus years later!
Keep up the good work....you deserve the best you you want to become!
Thanks BA. I feel I'm moving more forward than backwards these days. I caught myself thinking of picture of X and it went off track to that sickening feeling in your gut when I put emotion and feelings of him and OW with the thoughts racing back. I had to yell STOP to make myself aware of what i was doing...sabatogging my recovery!
I say a lot of thank you's releasing gratitude and try to mail personal cards to people that pop up in my thoughts.
I've actually set a goal to try to make the race team in a dragon boat club i recently joined. They have a big event in October.
And my D and I joined the Financial peace university classes at our church which starts Tue nite.
My part-time job has been cut back to 1-2 days only which I'm undecided about. Cant work full time with caring for D and the job really is a full time position. I had to just let it go in the best interst of organization. But, I feel like failure again. Something my X always called me out on...I start things but can't finish them. or my explainations were always excuses to him.
On another note, D told me her dad wants to plan Christmas in the Keys with OW and talks of his side of family...gut reaction once gain. Something weve done in past years several times as a family. Hard to be excluded.
D is considering it. I asked how she felt about meeting OW and she said she wnts to...but I also said meeting and spending a week for holiday is 2 different things. Sharing your dad with OW and the realities of his relationship is another. Hurts just imaging it. How can he not see or feel how awkward and disturbing it is?? Iguess for me only. Havent heard from S about his thoughts yet.
Tmr my D scheduled conference call with X and FIL and myself in regards to another stem cell treatment this Dec over college break. Hmm...not trying to get too anxious over it. Its mostly between my D and them however I may get questioned in regards to my opinion. In the past I've just always thought they were patronizing me but D says I need to speak up. So I feel I may have to express my new "confident" self this time (a 180 for sure).
Any ideas or thoughts would be glad to hear from you all since this will be one of the few chances I get to interact.
Well, how did it go...
What type of interactions did you have with such and open format?
I understand that you were all there to discus options for your D, but I was interested if you had a sense of comfort with the ex that you possibly could set up a talk in the future just between the 2 of you?
JJ...thanks for asking. The call didn't end up taking place...it's been postponed until Monday. I thought maybe he'd send me an email and ask my opinion of things privately between us...but not sure he really cares.
Not much interaction between D and X either. He's busy with work out of town. Not the same town as OW but still away from his home base. Curious, last weekend he was back at his home and never connected with S who lives in same city.
X went to big Clam Bake in our hometown put on by Mason's which my X and my FIL are and have been going to this event for years. Funny doesn't or hasn't ever thought of bringing our S.
Then on Sunday he goes to Browns season homeopener...with his buddy. Doesn't even invite S. Now mind you my S is NOT into sports or football or competive anything...but still a way to spend time together and connect.
My S hadn't a clue and could care less...he hates seafood and football. It just made me realize what kind of father my X has been to my S all these years.
I wonder how my X handles all the questions at the clam bake about us, my D and I? Smooth I'm sure. Like it's no big deal and his life has moved on. Everyone asks about D because it was a big deal her accident. He must just let that all bounce off of him too painful.
Lately, I've been enjoying what I have and the life I'm creating. Feeling lots of gratitute and realization how life would be sooo different if he were actually in it. I can only image it as a Cinderella story now...and that will never happen.
I keep hoping that I'll hear news of OW is too controling or has issues. Hmmm. Nothing. Life must be still in honeymoon with the breaks inbetween. I did mention they are already planning Christmas in the Keys together.
I don't know what I'm going to do without kids for Holidays. Not gonna stress until the fat lady sings. Hahaha.
But honestly, this OW can't be so perfect!! She 45 and in relationship with a man that D his wife and never sees his kids. He says she is so sincere and genuine...everything I'm not. So why isn't she married and have kids and living happiliy ever after ? Why was she so available at the time of the falling apart of our marriage?
Do you think I should initiate an email regarding our D? that would be a complete 180!
Hmmm...that last line, "Do you think I should initiate an email regarding our D?"
Everyone has told me NO CONTACT whatsoever...so I remain in the background and do not respond to the group emails from D to X and FIL regarding her future stem cell therapy plans. Afterall, I am with D 24/7 and know what's going on and I'm in the group email so I'm in the loop. Just wanted some thoughts.
Also, in reflecting to my being dark, when I was visiting home with my D there everytime my D and X were to hook up he either arrived way to early to get her or showed up when he wasn't asked and other arrangements were made for them to meet. Just wondering if there was something in there where he wanted to see me or subconsiously connect.
Maybe I'm reading way too much into that. I'm sure he was just anxious to see his D, even if I was there too.
your son is 21 and doesn't like seafood or sports so WHY would your ex invite him along?
seems to me that he was respecting your grown son's likes and dislikes instead of forcing his own on him
his relationship with his grown children is HIS...don't try to make it about you
Thanks F - Your right about their relationship. It no longer includes me and I sometimes try to push it. I always encourage them to get together and let my S know how much his D must miss him.
My X didn't have much relationship with his father growing up either. I'm just hoping they do some family bonding. The Clam Bake has been passed down through generations and thought this would have been a good opportunity (they have steak too) since X was in town and so was S. And well the football game...its guys drinking beer and his son is now of age (which he hasn't even taken him out to celebrate that) and could have made it something to enjoy and share. Sometimes I see it as very selfish on X part not to even try to include S.
It's that expectation thing...I shouldn't expect anything from him. Even with his own children. It is hard to sit back and watch, but you reap what you sow.
Live -
Your previous post was ALL about your ex and OW.
Seriously - you've GOT to stop giving them that much room in your head.
Let go and get on with your life! Stop worrying about what he is or isn't doing. I want to hear what exciting new steps YOU are taking to rebuild your life.
KML - apparently it pretty much was. I guess it's just the bouncing around in my head that gets me. I'm trying to become immune to and bounce it right back off of me. Sometimes hard to do.
I have been focusing more on GAL. I've been swimming in pool doing laps and strength/conditioning to prepare myself for an upcoming Dragon Boat Fesitval. I just joined a local club and hope to be picked for the race team.
My D and I joined financial peace university classes through our church. And I'm thinking of taking a Co-Depend Group on thursday...but I don't want to keep doing things that reflect on the marriage and divorce.
I joined Meetup.com and am considering meeting a Christian Singles Group in local park for jazz nite. I'm stil a little shy about these things.
Since my D and S are going to go to Keys with X and his GF, I don't want to go back home to family...it would be too hard with out kids. I need to be doing something keeping busy and not necessarily on traditions and family.
I'm thing of an adventure trip hiking or something and am leaning more towards a mission trip somewhere. It's gonna be tough one for me...if I choose to make it tough. Emotionally I will always be heart tugged by my children and future grandkids someday and the thoughts of "family".
So there is a lot of GAL going on. But, X is still there and so is she. Drop me in a pit with snakes and I may totally freak out but they say after awhile you get used to them.
Conference phone call tonight with D, X, and FIL regarding stem cell treatment in Dominican. Possibly over holidays and dealing with X on that trip gives me anxiety. Lets just get December over with! LOL
Any suggestions are welcome...I really am working on this.
Well had the phone call. I was silent for the most part. But I did get my 2 cents in. I wanted to sound confidant and of course smart. I told them how I check the research almost daily to keep up to date on stem cell research and trials, etc.
Apparaently they are concerned but not knowledgeable. And it was obvious that they don't have the time to research either. They both FIL and X basically agreed to D and what she wants to have done in Dec.
Left it at that. Probably won't be adressed by either of them again for a while.
Later X called D and plans were discussed regarding the Holiday trip. He doesn't have a clue regarding what her needs and care are. I'm not going to put that fear in my head. My D knows what needs done.
My S on the other hand told me he didn't realize he would be driving 8 hrs in car to Keys with the OW that he is just meeting and then to be spending a week with her. I think his anxiety just went off the scale. I do think that's a lot to ask. MHO. But then again its not about me.
I'm trying to refocus those thoughts and fears and hurts (entire families going as we've done in past...only difference. ME and OW.) Let me just feel the pain and then I can release it so when the time comes I'll be ok.
Ok. So went back on Match.com and was thinking of going out this weekend with someone I met. It would really help get my foot out the door. Still very unsure of the online dating thing...but in my situation it's at least an option.
Any suggestions or comments are always welcome...
How long have you been divorced?
I would think that since you still seem very emeshed with thoughts of x that you wouldn't be ready to date yet but that is just me
Also...
Why would daughter be getting stem cell stuff done in the Dominican and not in the USA
I have been divorced for a little over 2 years. It's just the companionship that I miss. Someone to do things with and calls and cares about me. I need that gay guy friend to hang out with!
My D has had this procedure done earlier this year in January. It has notpassed the US requirements. We've done a lot of research. It seems you cannot take your own stem cell and mix them with other genetic factors and re-insert. However you can take your stem cells and reinject. Some debate over it since you can take an embryo and fetilize in petri dish and reinsert.
My D has had fairly decent results and would like to get another treatment.
When we went in January it was the first time I had to spend actual hours upon hours in the same room with X and FIL. Very challenging and difficult. I was quite pleasant and upon returning home my X told people that we seems to have worked things out. Hmmm...we never had a conversation. A group may have talked about the hotel or food or weather. but there wasn't really any one on one.
At one point we crossed paths in a concourse stairway he going down me going up. One of the most heartbreaking there. We just held each others glances and he looked at me like there was nothing there. Hollow.
Anyway, we may have to do this all over again before the holidays.
No...He's just so detached from me at this point. Like I said, I added my 2 cents worth, but he's pretty much out of the loop as it is. Kinda just nodded in agreement to whatever D said. He's in a different place right now and to add the dimension of his D is probably overwhelming for him with the demands from work and his social life with OW.
I don't think there will be any future between us. I am losing hope that's for sure.
On a 2nd note...I was so worked up over this "moving on" crap. Like there's something wrong with me that I still am not emotionally stable in all this. Like I'm such a loser that I haven't moved on.
I started my match.com account again and I have been asked on a date tmrw. We texted and emailed and finally called and talked on the phone. He's never been married (kinda a relief to me). We'll see how it goes.
Part of DETACHMENT. He's not ever coming back... so now its TOTAL acceptance I guess.
How do you all handle this after the divorce? Too much has passed and I honestly don't think a friendship is even in the big picture.
I think like in the book "I Do Again" it would have to take something from God to bring him to the understanding of his true feelings. But for a guy (sorry) I think that sex is a lot louder voice in their minds.
Are any of you that are divorced "friends" with the X at this point? and I don't mean cordial or nice, I mean truly friends?
I have done FPU and am debt free except for my house. It can be done, it is not easy and takes persistence and well worth the effort. Dave Ramsey is local for me and I use to listen to him when he first started his radio program.
Beans and rice, rice and beans lol, you'll understand that saying intently.
Good luck and work the program, it will help get you back on track financially.
Having a grip on your finances is soooo empowering! I signed my D and will eventually get my S on board to do this together. My X and I had always struggled with money so now that I am on my own I want to dive right in and teach my kids, if its not too late, the importance of how money works in your life.
This is definately be a 180 goal for me. I am doing this for ME!!
On another note, I went to my dragon boat practice this morning and feel a little more confident in it. The coach even commented how he thinks I could really become an asset to the team! Yeah!
Now I just have to give this new guy I'm meeting with tonight the "new" and "improved" me. Kinda like a tryout of sorts. And, NO TALKING ABOUT X!!!
I'm actually starting to like myself again.
Ok so Date Nite Update. I had a wonderful time. I went with no expectations. We had talked on phone so I did feel very comfortable with him. I was nervous meeting him and his expectations of me...you know "great picture but then you see the total package"
I really think I could start a relationship with him. I have met 2 other men and just didn't really connect, but this guy was different. I really liked him and felt completely comfortable. We talked and laughed all night and have a lot in common especially in regards to family and how we were raised.
We are meeting again this Friday, but we had hoped to see each other sooner. Neither of us could work something out.
So I've been thinking...is this moving on dropping the rope so to speak? Am I giving in? Now that I date someone it's ok that the kids dad is with his GF? What if I start R and X turns around...now I have someone else in the picture and I don't want to possibly hurt them either.
I've been saying a lot of prayers over this confusion. I mean seriously, do I even get involved? What is the path God wants for me? I know to be happy. But my commitment with my vows? I mean X was the one who left and I should be free, but emotionally to truly be free...will I always hope X will come back?
What is it that God truly wants of me?
Thought provoking questions...
I think that there is a bit of a misunderstanding here....to detach is to live as though what the ex does in their lives doesn't effect us because it doesn't include us...dropping the rope so to speak is a term used as you are no longer getting involved in that tug of war over things with the ex.
I understand your excitement to get out socially and find a connection with someone of the opposite sex, especially if its been a really long time.
and it is exceptionally enticing if there is a bit of attraction and chemistry to go with that.
One thing is certain...you want to be happy in life. I think that if God places things in our lives that make it better, we need to acknowledge it for what it is and be thankful for it...and if our ex comes back into our lives, if we truly have done the work we need and understand what we now need in a relationship and how to achieve it without a huge amount of tension or drama....it will move us in the direction we need to be
I agree with what JJAC said...
God wants us to be our best selves...to be whole...
The people in our lives should reflect that.
Sometimes life hands us difficult decisions to make...the right decision isn't allows the easiest one...
sometimes the right decision is the hardest one to make but...it will ultimately give us the most peace.
My ex came back...he wanted me back. He was the same person. I was not. In working on myself, I realized my own worth and I realized that God wanted me to have the best...and the best at that moment was being alone because my ex is a bad bad man.
L4MD....
I think the question you have to ask (IMO) is what do you really want?
I believe that if your (our) prayers come from our heart....God will address them according to what he believes our needs to be at that time.
In my case, I am getting the message that I need to learn "patience", "humility", "respect" and "selfless ness"
On top of that....I have a lot to get back under control and rolling for my future. I have made huge strides, and am looking really good, but I know that I have a long road ahead still....and its always best to take your time for 2-4 years after such a life changing event like ours.
I'm glad you had a nice time getting out....and being social is essential to staying healthy, happy and engaged in life...
By the sounds of it...your making your way to becoming a new and improved "you".....and that sounds awesome...keep it up!
Well to give you all an update: Had a second date last Saturday. Very nice and felt comfortable. He makes me feel important to him and we have great conversations!
He is also a pretty good kisser and things seem to move a little to fast for me...I had to back off. Got really freaked out about moving any further. I just felt uneasy like I was cheating. Ridiculous I know!
I'm divorced. I'm an adult. I can handle a mature relationship but not on the second date. We talked about it and I think I scared him too. We're going to move a lot slower starting out as dating only. "My" way of dating. Maybe a little old fashioned in this day and age, but I take intimacy very personal and after 25 years with the same man I'm not going to just give it away.
Another kink in the story is I may be moving possibly by the end of November...could be even sooner. Not just moving down the street...moving 2-1/2 hours away.
We talked about that too. I just don't want to complicate his life and get all involved and then I up and move.
So maybe I'm just not ready for all this. It was nice to feel appreciated and even made me feel wanted. Had a lot of feelings I hadn't had in a LONG time.
But, if I walked away tomorrow, I would be ok with it. I realize I still have a lot of trust issues. Trust as in is he telling me I'm gorgeous because he means it or does he just want a nice date to come home from. It's real hard to take a compliment.
Well this is like my 3rd person to go out on date with. This guy a little more serious than the other meetups. I'm getting my feet wet and putting myself out there.
I told my S about my date and he said "then why are you dating?" and I told him to get over his dad and that I have to meet people and move on.
I am feeling a lot more confident as a divorced single woman. Acceptance of the situation is key and I've controlled my thoughts on X and his OW pretty good lately. Making peace with myself and the situation. Nothing "I" can do to the sitch.
Accept and move on. I have a great wonderful life!!
So another kink in the story has become reality...we're looking to move by November. Brakes all on in the dating arena. He basically told me he didn't want to get hurt again...been down that road to many times.
Funny cause I feel rejected, again. I think it's more the I want something that I can't have. But, I'm ok with it. Just not sure how to end or say goodbye to a 2 week fling. or do you?
This move could put a lot of kinks into the holiday plans for the kids joining their dad in the Keys. We'll be about 2-3 hours away from the airport. I suppose he would have to swing by and drive to pick my D up. Awkward. He'll be with GF...argh! avoidance!!
That's the last thing I want is to have to be in position to meet her! Let alone deal with him with her! How do people handle this after the divorce and fallout?
Need Advise: So my SIL is coming into town and wants to meet us for dinner. She's been communicating thru D. She's actually the one SIL I like out of 4 of them.
I haven't spoken to her since the Christmas we were separated. Told me she just wants us to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. I just wanted to rip her head off after her brainwashing from her brother, my X!
I did tell her about my thoughts that there was OW. But noooo not there little brother. I told her he was a coward for leaving marriage after D return home from hospital.
Anyway, back to the present. I hate when they communicate through D only. Makes me feel like I'm only her caretaker. She is in town for a wedding. I've always liked her and got along. But now since the D and not communicating with inlaws im all nervous and uncomfortable.
I know I'll be fine and have spent the weekend with one other SIL this past summer and things were only surface conversations. I guess it's just the judgement and scrutinizing of his family. She's said crap about me during the D. I know the sisters will want to know the scoop.
Of course I'll look my best and be my most happiest like this is the best thing that ever happened to me. Which is what they told me from the beginning...argh!! I hate that!! I don't want to come across as missing my X and I want her to get the feeling I've moved on and 180 my life!
Let it spread like wildfire since I have absolutely no contact with X. Any advice on how I should be handling this situation since I'm sure it will be talked about to my X...?
Sure, I'll chime in.
There are a million reasons why I'll give this advice, but the #1 reason is that YOU can choose how to act but you can't choose what people will say behind your back. That being said...
Choose the high road. Be gracious. Say only nice things about people. That way, when you go home, you KNOW for a fact that nobody can misinterpret what you say.
Imagine yourself as Grace Kelly on the red carpet. She never dissed her producers or fellow actors.
And for God's sake, don't indulge in conversations about your XH or your divorce. Act AS IF that is no longer part of your life. You were a whole person before you met him, and you're still a whole person now.
Good luck--
Betsey
Yes, high road, and if they want to bring up your ex, say you would prefer not to discuss him.
Betsey is spot on with this advice! A long long time ago I used to get all worked up over what people said or thought about me. I finally learned the hard way that one I couldn't stop people's ignorance from happening and the people that I really cared about and who really new me didn't buy into what was being said anyhow. So once I got that monkey off my back I was a much more relaxed and happy camper.
Avoid the X talk at all costs and guide the conversation towards what you are doing now in your life and what they are doing in theirs.
BA
So I've been sitting back reading reading reading everyone else, but I'm still stuck and treading water. I backed off writing on here I guess fear has gripped me again.
I just crossed my 3 year anniversary. Better this year. Actually all of it is better emotionally.
I had to drop back my work hours from 3 days a week down to 1 full day. Not a big deal but I'm missing the extra money. I'm still just as busy with my D and her daily routine just doing more to make her independent. Just got her learners permit to drive! yeah! She is very independent just a lot of little things that add up especially living together. She can't afford help with these tasks. Maybe someday.
So her life is going very well. She lost almost 30 lbs from last year! Very hard to do as a quadrapalegic. Very proud of her. Me on the other hand have gained probably 30 lbs. Started serious diet and gained from it! Argh! Making adjustments and setting different goals for April...baby steps.
I started a creative workshop. I am an artist and haven't done anything creative in years. It follows the Artist Way book and has been very helpful with tearing down the blockage. I do a lot of affirmations and daily morning pages.
I also decided to get my motorcycle endorsement. I have always wanted to ride. I would point out woman riders to my D all the time and say look at that. Now a days it's not a big thing. Its a 3 day class. Took day one then my grandmother passed away and had to leave for Ohio the next day. So now I'm on stand by to get into another class. Which by the way has changed from a 5 hour class to 8 and this makes it even harder for me to get into since I need to make arrangements for my D. Not sure if this is a challenge for me or a sign to stop and not to proceed any further.
I had to drop out of my Dragon Boat Racing Club as I had to make a decision to become a full member. I was in the process of looking for a place to move within the last 3 months, but that has fallen through so now I should start up the membership again. I really enjoyed getting out on the water.
Dating? Well not really. Had a few encounters with match.com and am now on BON and that's just really not my thing. I don't know since I've gained weight I don't feel very confident anymore.
So YES. I'm doing the GAL, the PMA, the move on. Then why is it I don't know how to handle dealing with the X. I'd rather think of him as dead. I;m a widower than to deal with X and this whole other dynamic of family.
How do I handle this? Meeting the OW...who doesn't think shes the OW that she's come along and saved him.
My son is graduating in May from college and X wants to bring OW of which he's been dating since the D...it was sooner but didn't reveal her to anyone. The families are divided. However, my in-law family has shown another side now especailly since my grandmothers funeral that I had to go home for and embraced me. My family wants nothing to do with X.
X has had OW in the circle now with his family and our friends. Seem to embrace her and his new life. Kills me how even the kids accept it. why am I fighting it? I have it sooo much better being single! Its it jealousy? Not so much with other woman...never been really the jealous type but I am jealous she gets to share the dream job he has now after he and I struggled so long and he when he finally makes it big he's outta here. things they do together that we should be doing as empty nesters...well for him it is... I still have my D to care for which he sees twice a year.
He's a coward. I realize that. Yet recently we had to communicate via email regarding spousal support and he said he's finally come to being ok with it all and is happy and resolved in all that happenend...seriously? Made me mad to think he's ok with everything that he made the right decision. Argh? Can't do anything about that. I still want to punish him everytime.
Anyway, I am trying to be ME again. The person I have always been that he feel in love with. I'm moving on. I'm letting go. I am the person only a FOOL would leave.
Just nervous about seeing him again and meeting OW. Oh and they were in Florida for holidays and when they dropped my D off at home my D made her stay at the park while her dad dropped her off. OW said I don't understand she might as well just meet me now and get if over with. Were just going to have to meet at the graduation. Argh! She doesn't have a clue what he's done...
Well feeling a little justified. Not long after I posted this, a mutual friend of ours (through his side not mine) facechatted me. He said "word on the street is than I am way hotter now" Had to laugh at that one. Replied by saying that it;s only because I now live 1000 miles away. But we talked and he said "No i hear it from his friends
Smile and be happy thats the truth"
Told him the X is living the dream... dream job dream life dream girlfriend. Then he told me "He blew it kid. He aint got you. I havent seen him in years but he lost trust me."
We chatted about families and kids then we ended it with "Good johnny mac and i loved your 1st wedding and we would love your second lol"
My reply: Haha Johnny (a tragic divorced great mutual friend of ours) gives me hope...someday I will remarry... prenuptual of course. I am meant to be with someone took him a long time too (he remarried about 3 years ago after being divorced for 12 years)
He replied: "Yep i agree your a special girl and we all pull for you."
That just about made my YEAR! Coming from a credible source. I have to wonder how my name came up. Anyway it really made me feel good about all the hard work I am doing on myself to maintain my integrity with my decision to be here for my D and all the work I'm doing on myself.
Well just talked to my sister. She's having a get together for my son and our side of the family the Sunday after his graduation. My D told my X what I was planning and that the X can celebrate with the kids right after the graduation.
I asked sister how she felt about splitting up the 2 sides and she said it was best. It's funny now because we all got along so well when we did get together with everyone. I would be ok with everyone there...except the X!! But I guess that would be a little rude. LOL.
Also, there are only 4 invites per student. Of course it would be me, D, son's girlfriend, and X. That leaves OW out in the hallway. Curious if she will even attend.
I just want to tell him that its a family event and that it would be best if she didn't attend. My S doesn't want her there. Says it will only cause drama between me and his dad. Problem is...will he tell his dad that? Why are my kids so polite to him? It's like they don't want to hurt his feelings.
Anyway, feeling more and more confident with myself. Had a bit of a beating last nite with my parents and an old girlfriend who came for dinner. They mean well and want me to move on...just sometimes the beatings of "you've got to move on" and "Look at the awful side of him" get to me.
In my own time and way I'm moving on. I refuse to downgrade our marital relationship to what an awful person he was, etc. to help me crawl out. This was a good marriage for the most part and I don't want to think of it as a reflection of how awful it "really" was. I did like it and love him. I want my kids to know that and remember that.
But woke up and let it all roll off my back. Starting another new day and being grateful for it.
I don't think your son telling his dad that having the OW there would only cause drama between you and dad would be, in any way, beneficial for him to hear.
I don't think that that puts you in a good light at all...
why would there need to be drama?
the best thing would be to be able to be gracious for your son's sake. It is his day...his graduation...and he shouldn't have to worry about drama between his parents
Well, X met OW before separation at his new job...we had about 6 month rough times especially with D and accident and moving and sooo many changes..then he said it was over. Gave me the BD... IDLYAM not happy...etc. I did everything that DB says NOT to do. He was seeing her at this point BUT didn't tell anyone until about 3 months after divorce was final which took about 7 months after I got the papers of which I kept kicking and screaming to try and he just ended it. I just got booted out of his life. He's been seeing her ever since. A long distance relationship they live 1000 mile apart yet see each other every weekend and meet up at different locations for work...I feel my story is not very typical with so many twist and turns. Like everyone else but just sooo twisted!
Anyway, I'm not a drama queen just very hurt and having a hard time getting over it. My son just knows how the X and I interact with each other. He's mad at me and pointing fingers at me for it all and I'd try to make him pay for what he's done to our family every chance I got. Didn't realize I did this but I don't anymore. Not in front of them...just in the past via text/email. In the beginning of process X was very mean to me. When OW entered the picture it all fell into place. I don't hate her or blame her. I just know she only knows his side of the story and has no idea how I tried to save this marriage.
I will be very cordial and nice as I am with the whole in-law family. I realize it's my S special occasion and there may be more in the future, such as weddings etc. But it was S request told to me.
My X was very angry at me and still blames me for things that happened that year. I think he is in LaLa Land with all the responisibilities of our D. Like it or not I don't think he has dealt with it and ran away and hid in his new job. Which I have been utterly grateful and have commended him and told him how proud I have been.
Anyway, this will all be new to me. I don't understand how to DB or to just drop the rope. My heart says DB but my brain says I'm a fool and kick his ass out of my life for good! I know I could never have another relationship with him after all that has transpired...just how to move forward with as little pain as possible.
I have tried to be friends and start a "new" relationship with him, but he still sees me as the victimized wife that stole all his hard earned money with spousal support. HE doesn't want to be my friend and has put up barriers. HE is the one who wanted out yet acts as if he had it so bad that he had to get out. The best thing he's ever done should have done it sooner. Why do they do that? It was never THAT bad. It wasn't perfect. I wasn't perfect. But I was dedicated to my marriage and loved him. I know not enough.
Ok so back to reality! I treat him with love...any text, because that is how we communicate, which is rare (NC) but in cases where we have to interact I always tell myself "show love not hatred" I never call him names or attack or whatever nasty that goes on. He hates it and he is the one who calls me names and still points fingers at me. I am always sure to end my text with praying for him and for him to find God again. He used to be so grounded in morals and integrity. Now he says I sound like a Jesus freak...really to be so Christian and say that!
He is not the person or father he was 3 years ago. His ego is out of control. Not for me round it up...OW can do that. It's so hard to believe this is the same man. Its like Jeckyl and Hyde.
I think about what I might say to OW when I meet her. I've thought about sending her a text or letter as a sort of break the ice. Ridiculous I know. In my mind it will be all casual hello's and then walk away from each other. Although OW doens't even sound nervous to meet me. X must have made me out to be a monster! But seriously I'm sure I have come up in several conversations with her girlfriends. I know in my circle under same circumstances the XW would be scrutinized.
Am I just going crazy over this or is this something that all us LBS go through?
It has been 3 years if I am reading your time line correctly and it appears that you haven't moved very far from when the bomb was dropped. Ok, the first thing you really need to do is to take the spotlight ff of them and put it on you. Focus on creating your life the way you want it. Do things that perhaps you enjoyed but he perhaps didn't.
Think of your ex as the mailman. Be cordial. Any conversations should only be about the kids. Keep those short and to the point. It is not your job anymore to help guide his moral compass. Those are his things to deal with. You focus on you.
I hope you can move forward.
kat
Thanks for the replies. I never looked at my prayers as a way of telling him he is wrong. And you're right...he doesn't care. He has justified his life and his decision.
Gabby, Everything you went through and said was pretty spot on for me. I've read your posts and follow a lot of your advice to others. What is wrong with me? It's like I'd rather get a slap in the face than nothing at all.
I was torn and even called the coaches here on circumstances. I have no hope at all...and I still can't drop the rope. Can't imagine him ever coming back into my life at this point. BUT, I have done the GAL, PMA, and worked on ME! He has no clue of any of it... not that I did it for him. I am in a much better place.
I'm going full strong on this weight loss and physical fitness thing until I have to go back home for S graduation. I know if I am in a better place with myself in that regard I will be much more confident. OW lives a much healthier lifestyle (no kids/great job$$). Again, it doesn't matter but I will be a little more secure in my own skin.
I keep thinking about X as the postman! Hahaha I have also done some hypnosis and one of the things is making their faces out to be comical...I imagine the cocky rooster from the old cartoons! Eww but it works for me. Now I just have to get the OW off the pedastool that I put her on like a trophy he put on the mantle. She is NOT me...I have always pride myself on my humbleness and have been blessed with my looks (not bragging). X told me I used my looks to get my way...seriously at the end he threw so much crap at me. But the OW isn't much maybe a couple size smaller than me but hey I had 2 amazing children and raised them. Proud of that! She can brag about her pilates and tofu guru exercises and all her travels all over the world. Ping a little bit of jealousy there I guess. BUT she doesn't have he amazing children my X and I have. And I enjoy my D everyday.
Ok enough about that! Any other advice about the graduation...sitting at the ceremony and such. Do I just be yes /no and ignore otherwise... or do I act like nothings changed that look what a wonderful family we have...I have a very hard time not being sarcastic (my version of letting my anger out)
This is what gives me anxiety. This new dynamic with him. My heart and brain are on two different wavelengths.
You shouldn't waste time trying to figure them out. You and your ex are over. He isn't coming home and after what he has put you through why on earth would you want him???
Again you are cordial period. The changes that you make are for you , not to show him anything. The graduation will only be a big deal if you make it so. This day is all about your son, the focus should be on him. If you do that I am sure the day will come off as one your son will be glad to remember.
You can do this.
kat
I just returned from a spell with my H's family, and I chafe against these situations where I'm expected to act like nothing's happened, everyone acts like nothing's happened. I say, recognize that it's tough on you, get through it, and then take extra care of you. I say, when you're unsure how to be, think about it from your son's viewpoint and imagine what will be good for him on that day. I would imagine that cordial but distant yes/no, avoid interacting, is a good choice. You can always hold onto the little insults and details to vent here later, that's what I did. It does help.
I hope you stop comparing yourself to OW like there's a competition going on. You're your size and it's awesome. You're you and you're awesome. If you're competing with anyone, let it be with your own self, to be the best most well-adjusted self, with your priorities right. Size is nice, health and wellness and longevity are even better, and has nothing to do with whether OW eats tofu or weighs less. You rock, all on your own!
Thanks for checking in on me. I have to say that while I was in the throughs of the actual divorce court I would psych my self up by pretending I was an actress in a movie. I know sounds kinda crazy, but I was in no mental state to be myself.
I can remember sitting across the table in the courtroom trying to be all cool calm collected like Ingrid Bergman or Scarlett O'Hara! My sister who came with me for support said I should have won an Oscar for my performance. When it was over I broke down in the hallway and sobbed. I was so mad at myself for that.
He was as cool and confidant as a could be! So smug and sure of himself. So selfish! The judge saw right through him. I don't think he's ever been able to look me in the eye since.
I suppose I need to study for my next role! hahaha Just being myself and true to me is really all I need. That will kill him inside for sure.
These next few weeks I'm training hard physically and staying on diet program. I'm challenged now and my D is coaching me!! Love that!
I am spinning the wheels and looking at the graduation as a great event for my S!! Perspective, right? I want to go in there with my head held high and looking like "who's that woman?!!" I refuse to let this be about X, OW, or myself. My son is very excited and I want to relish in that!
I don't want any part of the X life, nor do I want to know. I think I'm getting this now. Just need to keep my perspective.
Ohh the ebb and flow. Feeling really bummed about the situation...he's bringing OW, his 3 sisters and his father to the commencement. S said he's ok with it and that he really likes her... Apparently I am the only one fighting this big machine.
I don't even know why I'm fighting for it anymore. I though it was my family. But it's the dream of my family. Why would God give me marriage and family and then be okay with it like it is now. I get so confused sometimes...like DB do I continue to hope and try or do I just accept what is. He's a WAS not a MLC...it is over...it was over when he shut the door. No he never turned back once.
I read my post from the other day...and I think I must be psychotic...one day so full of myself and the next I'm in tears over something I thought was real.
I'm in this forum "Surviving the Big D"...how do you survive this? I mean I'm through it! 3 years now officially not including the 8 months of separation. I don't want bitterness and anger!! I want indifference...he's the mailman!
I am in such a better place! I have worked too hard to get this far forward to backslide so much. I pray the Lord gives me a sign of the right path I am on. Its just really hard not to focus on X and his wonderful life.
I'm looking forward to the trip home and my son and family...but I dread him and his life! I question why did he have to do this? Why doeasn't it even bother him? How he can see things so differently? Where did he go ...why do I still even love him?
Who says his life is so wonderful? Quit making assumptions. It is natural to mourn what you have lost. So mourn and then move on. No he isn't coming back. I say that with certainty because you are way too wrapped up in them to even make changes that you need to make to get past this.
No body wants someone that is so reliant on them to define their own lives. Get a hopping and work on you.
kat
This is tough for everyone. You are not alone in this. I cannot tell you how to do this. I can relate what I have done and ask questions. YMMV.
My experiences have similarities to yours. She has never looked back and has professed happiness to such an extent that at times I have wondered if she is deluded or high.
I don’t know if this will help or hurt. Life is different now, it is up to you to make it better and there is no strict recipe to follow. There are a few things one can do. Try and find something to be grateful for and express gratitude. Try and start out small, for instance:
This weekend I had opportunities to spend time with my Son, his wife and my Grandchild. Given the family dynamics and my son’s work schedule this had become unusual since late January. There are many aspects of last weekend I am grateful for. I will use memories of it and express gratitude to buoy myself when I have to look hard for things to be grateful for.
I live in Northern Ohio and we’re watching spring arrive. This weekend the temp reached 80 degrees. That is the first time since last October. The spring flowers are bloom and DIL asked for my assistance prepping some flower beds. Of course GD had to be in the middle of this effort; the day prior my S and I went to a steak fry and spent some father son time together. It was the first time in 7 weeks I had even seen him and the first steak I have enjoyed in recent memory.
Yesterday there was an inch to an inch and a half of snow covering everything. The song birds seemed to have fled and the day was dreary and overcast.
This morning I paused during the walk between house and car to appreciate a robin calling out his territory hoping for a mate. At lunch today I treated myself to a walk outside in the sunshine, temps in the 30s and heard a bird I could not identify warbling its spring call.
What have you experienced that you can be grateful for? What can you make happen?
Recently a friend asked me how life had changed and what about the divorce I was grateful for. Frankly I was at a loss for words. I hadn’t thought about being grateful I am divorced. I am finding this list a difficult one to populate. At the time I was only able to relate being solely responsible for all decisions.
X and I tried to make any decisions that would affect our life jointly, we ran everything jointly. I was charged with her happiness. The happier she was the happier I was. Co Dependant? You bet!
It did get me to thinking about the last few years and if I could find things to be grateful for that are a result of the divorce. On my list now is “The only person I need to make happy is me”. Others are “I make all buying decisions”, “I decide how to spend my time, my money, my life”. Pretty self centric I know.
I’ll not ask you what my friend asked me. I’ll ask you to look for things that you do to make you happy.
I’ve been using endorphins, GAL activities that make a sweat. I’ve been using adrenalin, GAL and bucket list items that release adrenalin. I’ve been using gratitude like that songbird at lunch and the time spent last weekend.
The commencement bridge is down the trail a bit and you’ll cross it when you get there. I crossed that bridge several years ago. It was a little surreal, it was a little disheartening. It was not the traumatic experience I steeled myself for. Focus more upon the happier broad brush strokes when the minutia of life starts to overwhelm. Your Son loves you and his father.
Lastly if you haven’t already watched “TED talks” find them on the web, U Tube, or Netflix. I find there are gems to be uncovered in most of these. Over in Newcomers I have seen recommendations for the talks from Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor.
Oh this crazy life! So I'm talking to someone on match.com and tah dah! he wants to meet tonight! Boost of confidence.
Kat - I get it. You're so right. I am not that victimized X wife...I want to be the one who says I'm sooooo glad I'm not married right now. I got my life together and look at how well she's doing. Not the pity party.
X is the one who will be jealous he doesn't have it all together and the freedom I have. I hope this meetup today will give me a shot of confidence and adrenalyne to catapult me out of this funk.
I don't want was is right now (X/OW)...I don't want what was...I don't want him back either...I want to just be indifferent. Any prescription pills for that one? Oh how I wish I could just open my brain like a computer and just pull out that memory card!
Ok so the date was so-so...never what I expect. gotta remember to lower those expections. Sweet so nice, a little quirky. But no attraction. No spark. No maybe's. But he was really into me. Felt good to get special attention. A little over the top and gave me flowers when we parted. Felt like we were being filmed for a match.com commercial. hahaha
I posted the flowers on my facebook page and said "Seriously...we just met!?" My friends are roouting for me that's for sure. At least I am setting up the persona that I've moved on and have posted very positive pictures of my life and how amazing it is...because IT IS! Life is good... just can't let X/OW get me down.
I have to think like a balloon filled with happiness and joy... the more full it is the higher above him it flies!!
Hi JS - I'm from northeast Ohio!! I hear from my family all the time with weather updates. Anyway...it's a pleasure hearing from you.
I know in my heart and soul I am where I'm supposed to be especially with my decision to be here with my D. He is not involved in her life. I'm sure if I stayed in Ohio near him it would be different.
AND, I wouldn't be here with D making incredible forward progress if we were still married. I still would hate to think God made me choose. Although he didn't... my X did.
I realize I have to mentally force myself to gain a different perspective. I can't agonize over the upcoming event. It's just the heart backslides into thinking we should be a family...almost sabatoging my efforts. He may or may no realize someday what the big picture will expose.
He is home alone for Easter...S is going to girlfriends family. I don't even know why he isn't with OW just that he called D all whoa is me I'm alone. I told D to invite him here...!!!! Yeah not at my place but come here to spend weekend with her (not me). She said she didn't want him to and that she'd rather do things for Easter like we always have. Would have been interesting.
I'm acting indifferent like I don't care either way but I was encouraging.
I do have to get exercising...YES it makes me feel so much better with a sense of accomplishment! I don't know why I slide backwards on everything. If ANY thing I HAVE to commit to that!
In many ways I do feel I have that "co-dependency" thing. My X always just threw out at me what a passive aggressive I was...litereally at the end. I had no idea what that even was! And btw I am NOT! Maybe some communications breakdowns but seriously to diagnose me! And then not even try to help me just quit! yeah He quit a long time ago. The OW just pushed him out the door.
Ok enough about that. I do think I still need to find a counselor in the area. Just don't know who or where to look. It seems like an undaunting task. Any advise?
Ok...so far so good...today on the high side of the rollarcoaster!
Yeah, NE Ohio born and raised except for a few years wearing green.
I wasn’t so much giving a weather report as using the changes to illustrate change and finding joy to focus on, carrying one through dreary periods. We all have them. Staying motivated and upbeat helps maintain a positive mindset and a positive mindset helps to stay motivated and upbeat. It is a positive feedback loop and one worth maintaining.
I realize I have to mentally force myself to gain a different perspective. I can't agonize over the upcoming event. It's just the heart backslides into thinking we should be a family...almost sabotaging my efforts. He may or may not realize someday what the big picture will expose.
I too believe she has created strife and drama that is rising to bite her, but that cannot be my focus and I cannot wait for her to realize the magnitude of her errors.
I believe, we must make a life for ourselves independent of ties to our Xs. That is where our focus should be. That is how we move forward. We cannot wait for them. Waiting doesn’t help us or them grow. Waiting makes for stagnation and while we wait doubt creeps in tearing down the gains we’ve made.
Reflect, appreciate and rest certainly, just don’t wait. Waiting includes expectations and it is the unrealized expectations that tear at the heart.
This is my perception. I do not perceive your motivations for suggesting your X spend Easter with D were in anyone’s best interest. I apologize if that gives offense.
I whole heartily suggest embracing exercise and doing things that interest you for your betterment.
Finding a good counselor, one that will challenge and help one grow is a good path to walk while one is making changes. I obtained referrals from the EAP program at work and asked my doctor questions. I told my doctor to put the prescription pad away as I believe guided counseling was more appropriate for me.
I will give you a great measure for your progress. I got on Gineen for this for quite some time so don't feel alone. When you stop making your posts about him you will be on your way. That is not to say a once and a while comment but take a look at your posts.
So much is still about him. How you felt about or because of him and OW. Spending way too much time on the wrong people. It has been three years, that has been long enough.
kat
I sooo appreciate the comments. I opened up to this forum because I'm trying to recover...to survive the big D. I know he's not coming back...I know and accept it's over. I feel I struggle with this new dynamics and that's what concerns me at the moment and anticipate the upcoming events. I do not see nor talk to my X. My kids are adults and that is fine with me.
I have a great new life and am finally at a good place...some set backs I suppose, but for the most part I think I'm on my way.
I'd just like to hear how others have handled these incidents. Like I know he's most likely going to ask OW to get married... which I guess that;s the course it will go. He's moved on with his life and so be it. Like the picnic after S graduation, he wants to invite me and my side of family while OW is helping to host at his house.
I know I'm talking a lot about this but that's what I was needing the most help with. Am I in the wrong forum? I don't have any hope. I agree with JS that it is only setting up expectations. Screw that.
I have learned to have no agenda or expectations. I am my D caregiver and patience and agenda's go out the window, especially mine.
I could go on a talk about the other issues in my life such as caring for my disabled D or my dating adventures getting my feet wet. My X is like that splinter that just festers...he's in my D life and she is with me 24/7. Thank goodness he lives 1000 miles away!
Just looking for everyones great advice...thank you so much for listening.
No, you aren't in the wrong forum. I am only commenting on what you have said.
My ex married his affair partner. I have never met her and have no desire to. I get along with my ex for the sake of my kids and my own well being. Hate is a cancer in itself. I don't need to drag it around.
If in your case the OW is his affair partner, I would have a hard time going to the after graduation picnic. Perhaps I would go for a short time for my son but I wouldn't stay a long time. If she is the person he started dating after he left, I would have an easier time since adultery was involved. I thought you were doing two seperate activities though. So you get to split the time with your son. Be happy for him and no guilt trips for his time spent with his dad.
Hope that helps. kat
Oh, just a quick add on. My ex and I and former in laws on both sides do get together after graduations, concerts and what not. The focus is the kids.
In my case none of the kids like her. They have never asked her to one of their events. We have a weird situation I guess. Maybe it is because they both cheated on their families and she isn't ver close to my former in laws. Beats me.
All of us have connections to our Xs. Some of us have direct frequent interactions through shared parenting, others not so much. We will all have events where we will be provided opportunities to interact with our Xs civilly. IMO, How well we accomplish that interaction is a measure of both parties maturity and growth to independence.
Although I am tempted to avoid or flee it is not in my nature to do so. I do not seek interaction or avoid it. Looking back to this past Christmas I was definitely uncomfortable at the family gathering. Late in January X left a nieces birthday party early. She may have been uncomfortable or the headache she professed may have needed attention.
In July we are both attending a baby shower (diapers and such) for the second grandchild. DIL asked if I’d permit X to attend and be in the house they are living in. After Mom passed they moved in until S gets orders. When they moved in I did not trust X and forbade her entrance into my house I still do not trust X, however this is about the children and grandchildren and attending a baby shower she will not be left alone for long periods of time.
I am not dating so she does not have to deal with that aspect of my moving on. Is she dating? I don’t care enough to try and find out.
This is where we find ourselves now. This is just a moment in time. How we perceive it and our future is up to us.
HI ALL! Well...I got back into the motorcycle classes since I was on stand by. Took the 2 day riders course...and...failed the test. I'm sooo bummed. I totally panicked at the last turn on the last portion of the test. Instructor said I nailed it until I went out of the lines...which was automatic elimination. ARGH! I was so devastated. I was over thinking it completely and knew it! I go back on Friday to retest. It gives me a little more time on the bike for practice.
On another note: I met this really nice guy on ourtime.com. I was being pursued by 3 men from online dating sites. My daughter and I went through them and we both picked this guy. We met at a park and talked and walked for a couple hours. Pretty good feeling about him.
He's a recovering addict ?? he's 6 years out and works with other addicts especially adolecent kids. He's trying to get his degree in counceling. He's super nice to me something I'm not used to I guess. Since he as come out the other side from a 12 step program he's very communicative and understands what I've been through also. He is divorced since 03 with 2 kids about the same age as my kids. Said they divorced because of his addictions. I
I have to wonder does she still love him? He told me she is at the point of forgiving him. He does communicate with her because of his kids. But that its cordial and that he doesn't have feeling for her. They married because he got her pregnant but then he said they tried to make it work several times.
He seems very confident in who he is and where he is in life. Like he sprititually has it together. It seems he's fallen head over heals for me. And is all patient and understanding with me and wants to help me guide me whatever to get me through to the other side. Worries me a bit that he may want to help too much or that I may become dependent on him.
I know we've only seen each other 3 x since last week and text and talk briefly. I'm SCARED...of getting hurt of becoming too involved of relationship !!
I know I went on these sites to date with the purpose of finding a relationship, but yet now here I am and it does click and I like him...BUT...like finding another car or house...what else is out there? Have I looked at all my options? Is he really someone I want to go further with? I already red flagged that he doesn't wear shorts??? Hellow we live in Florida!! I don't want to have to change somebody.
I realize I will never find that perfect someone. I am accepting of that. Am I being too picky? Am I trying to find that someone who is one up on my X? Why am I even feeling that I need to one up him? and then I'm still afraid to LET HIM Go...even though he could care less about me...
Very emotional week since last I wrote. And now I have to focus about graduation and returning home next week too...
Just feeling confused and maybe overthinking...feeling appreciated, but don't trust.
So what if he doesn't wear shorts? Maybe he doesn't like them, or has a scar on his leg or is sensitive to the sun. I would also say you are getting way ahead of yourself. Seeing someone three times is a ways away from being in a relationship. Just take one day at a time and enjoy getting to know someone new.
As far as still thinking of your ex...maybe that is your own red flag waving. Maybe you aren't ready to date. Maybe you should think about that.
kat
I DID IT!! I got my motorcycle endorsement! I passed the course. What a great boost of confidence! Driving home I was just so "full" of gratitude and accomplishment! It only took me 30 years but I DID IT!
It's all part of finding me again. My kids are so proud of me for going after something that I had always wanted to achieve. A great feeling.
I don't know if I'll ever get a motorcycle to have of my own, but I could put it on my list of what I'm going to do if I ever have any extra money! LOL