Do you regret your divorce? - DivorceBusting.com

Hey, all.

I was married for my first girlfriend. I also was her first.
We were dating 4 years then got married. Our marriage was not a happy one.
We have 9 year old daughter and lots of bad memories.

My wife's parents are rich people and we had everything without much efforts- new car, flats, cash, etcetera.

I was kind of minion of fortune.

I regret my bad behaviour during our years together and I regret the divorce.
I realized what a bad husband and parent I was.
I was immature, aggressive, uncommunicative and so on.
Alas it is too late for me.

During the separation I improved myself but wasn't consistent enough. Here is my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2262490#Post2262490

I am curious to know how many of you regret their divorces?

Did you find a better partner?

Would you remarry your ex?

Nukem

I am not sure that I "regret" my divorce; however, I am grateful for the result of my changes that were inspired by having to go through it.

Did I wish the M could have worked? Yep.

Could I control someone else? Nope.

Did I find a better partner? Yes...but at the same token I am different. So to ask the question in that context, I'm not sure if the answer is as simple as a Yes. I think it depends on a lot of different factors.

Would I remarry my ex? No not at this time. I am in a committed relationship with a wonderful women. My X has changed and I do not know her. That said, if I were alone and she was a different then maybe. I would much rather spend my time and energy though focusing on the here and now, which to me is my current R.

Eric

Originally Posted By: ericmsant2

"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter"

That is inspiring.
Thank you. Eric.

The question really doesn't belong here because you're talking to a group of people who are trying to SAVE their M. Once a D goes through, most don't have a say to get the D in the first place so there's always going to be regret.

There's especially going to be regret that the WAS doesn't realize how great a good M could be.

MrBond, sorry if so.

I tried 180 to safe my marriage after EA and PA. I acted very bad.
I forced my wife to take the decision together or divorced.

I had my chances and ruined them because of my impatience.

I want those who are trying to safe their marriages to know that unconditional love and patience are the most important factors.

"unconditional love and patience are the most important factors."

Cross out 'unconditional love'. Commitment and patience are the most important factors. Many people don't understand what 'unconditional love' is or means.

Many people here if they get D, regret it. But what they don't regret are the lessons they've learned.

Actually, this forum mostly contains people who are already divorced and recovering from that.

"I am curious to know how many of you regret their divorces?"

I regret many, many, many, many things that happened that contributed to the divorce. In the end though, it wasn't my decision and I wanted to save it ... and I really miss my daughters. I regret not being able to put them to bed every single night.

Did you find a better partner?

Not yet. I've dated two women, both briefly, because I just knew they wouldn't be right for my daughters. I know I will find a better partner. Even the two women I broke up with likely would have been better than XW. She was an awful partner in many ways.

Would you remarry your ex?

Not the person she is now. I don't even like her as a person and physically, she's no longer attractive to me. I sometimes think about why I married her in the first place.

No, I do not regret my divorce. There were a lot of things wrong with my marriage but things I thought we were both working through. Little did I know that he had other plans and was not working on the "family" at all. The only regret I have is that it hurt my kids so badly.

Yes, I have been with someone new for 8 years now. He is SO much better than my husband. I will never look back.

Barb

Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope

Actually, this forum mostly contains people who are already divorced and recovering from that.

Just to note I believe Bond posted that before this thread was moved from newcommers to here...

I agree with you Barb. My regret is not being able to protect my kids from their pain. I am not sure that any of us could stop that hurt from happening.

I have waited until all of us are In a better place to really contemplate dating. I had a couple of false starts but in retrospect I wasn't ready. It takes time and work to get there. So you know...it's time.

kat

ditto gabbysmom! That is exactly how I feel, except for him being nice part....I don't regret anything I've done through this; I'm not sorry that I tried to save my marriage; but I am way healthier and happier since the divorce.

Karen

Originally Posted By: karen43

ditto gabbysmom! That is exactly how I feel, except for him being nice part....I don't regret anything I've done through this; I'm not sorry that I tried to save my marriage; but I am way healthier and happier since the divorce.

Karen

My ex also looks healthier and happier.
Apparently I was very bad husband.
I pray every day to have another chance with her.

Nukem -

The only thing you have control over is YOURSELF. Make yourself into the best man and father you can possibly be. IF there's a chance for reconciliation with your ex, that will only happen by you showing these consistent changes over a long time. If there's NOT going to be a reconciliation (and let's face it, you might have burned those bridges - we can't possibly know) - then you will STILL benefit by having become a better person and will attract a better future partner.

Work on your stuff, get whatever help you need to figure out why you did the things you did in your marriage. Be humble and admit to her that you screwed up. Be her best friend and don't put any pressure on her.

Originally Posted By: kml

Nukem -

The only thing you have control over is YOURSELF. Make yourself into the best man and father you can possibly be. IF there's a chance for reconciliation with your ex, that will only happen by you showing these consistent changes over a long time. If there's NOT going to be a reconciliation (and let's face it, you might have burned those bridges - we can't possibly know) - then you will STILL benefit by having become a better person and will attract a better future partner.

Work on your stuff, get whatever help you need to figure out why you did the things you did in your marriage. Be humble and admit to her that you screwed up. Be her best friend and don't put any pressure on her.

The best advice, kml. And the hardest to follow. Thank you.

Here are some good stories about remarriage I've found:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ed-housewright/why-would-anyone-remarry-_b_1232662.html
http://articles.familylobby.com/374-would-you-remarry-your-ex-spouse3f.htm

So, Duke - if I asked your wife, what would she say were the three top things that you did that destroyed the marriage? And what are you doing to work on those issues now?

Originally Posted By: kml

So, Duke - if I asked your wife, what would she say were the three top things that you did that destroyed the marriage? And what are you doing to work on those issues now?

I guess she would answer:

1 Lack of affection and loving attitude - it is too late work on this

2 My irresponsibility and selfishness- I am improving my English, I am going to apply for master university degree, I dedicate my weekends to my daughter's lessons.

3 Aggressive outbursts and non-constant behaviour - they were kind of provoked by her nagging and insults. I try being more calm and balanced person. I am going to renew my yoga practising.

Quote:

Lack of affection and loving attitude - it is too late work on this

Try reading the book The Five Love Languages by Chapman. It discusses how to speak your partner's
Love Languages". And even though you have to be careful not to pressure your wife, there are ways to still speak their love language. (For instance - my ex's love language is quality time. When we were reconciling, I would be careful to drop everything I was doing and pay complete attention to him when he was talking to me - no more multi-tasking. If your wife's love language is, say, Words of Affirmation, you might get farther by paying her an occasional compliment than by giving her things.

I regret that I read 5 love languages pretty late, after demanding the divorce.

I think my ex primary love languages are
Quality time and Physical touch.
They are inapplicable when we are living separated.

Your advises are great, thanks

Not completely.

As for quality time - when you DO see her, give her your complete attention. Eye contact, listen intently, don't let anything else distract you. No multi-tasking.

As for physical touch - that's harder in your sitch, but if there's an opportunity to just give a playful tap or touch her hand lightly when handing her something, take it.

Originally Posted By: Nukem

Originally Posted By: kml

So, Duke - if I asked your wife, what would she say were the three top things that you did that destroyed the marriage? And what are you doing to work on those issues now?

I guess she would answer:

1 Lack of affection and loving attitude - it is too late work on this

WHY? If you are around her (or your daughter) you can certainly reflect changes in that relationship, which our ex w will hear of. And no woman is unmoved by loving interactions between her child and the child's father. It's a turn on emotionally.

2 My irresponsibility and selfishness- I am improving my English, I am going to apply for master university degree, I dedicate my weekends to my daughter's lessons.

so you are changing those traits? Okay good. The more concrete 180s you do, the better. Do you have the Divorce Remedy books? Please get it and read it.

And See above comment. And when you say you dedicate your weekends to your d's lessons, do you have FUN with her

or do things SHE wants to do or SHE is intersted in? It's crucial to do that or she'll soon be old enough to say "no thanks" to daddy time.

3 Aggressive outbursts and non-constant behaviour - they were kind of provoked by her nagging and insults. I try being more calm and balanced person. I am going to renew my yoga practising.

aggressive outburts is a vague but scary term to me b/c my father was intimdating and he was physically abusive to all of us, now and then. It's really NEVER acceptable b/c most spouses will insult hurt or annoy you at some point.

You don't get to hurt them back...

I have 2 relatives who remarried their exes. They had kids.

So they had contact. A few years passed and they ALL changed themselves...

and the 2nd time around was better. Better communication and better commitment and more decent behavior on all counts.

One study suggested that almost 70% of couples who divorced 5 or more years before, were asked if they feel that they now had the skills to repair a marriage like they had.

So between 2/3 and 3/4 said THEY COULD NOW...but maybe it takes more time to know.

What do you have to lose by first building a good r with your d, finishing the career project you have started,

and just having coffee with your ex? If you have shown some changes in your life, you can share that WITHOUT highlighting it in a way that makes it look "tactical" b/c you want her to trust that the changes are real and lasting...not just to get her back. Esp if there's a money problem and she thinks you only want back in for the money.

Do you love your ex wife?

OIf she agrees to coffee, Talk about safe things like your d, ask your wife how she likes her job and how her family is doing, etc...and compliment her, make eye contact with her and LISTEN when she speaks...listen well...

In addition to the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy book read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. IT'll show you that for some of us, the way we GIVE love and the way we RECEIVE it are often different

and different from our spouses. My h expresses love with affection and wants that back and words of affirmation.

I express love with acts of service and quality time together.

there is no flaw or fault in this, just differences to respect. And pay attention to.

Don't turn away love b/c it wasn't wrapped the way you wanted...

Good luck.

Thank you, 25.
Right now I am with them and I am teaching my wife to play cards. We are drinking beer and playing.

I'll answer later.

Hmmm...in most ways I don't regret my divorce. I am happier and moving down a spiritual path of growth I would never have begun if I hadn't divorced. I've spent the past three years REALLY working on myself and GAL. I'm on my way...

I regret not doing it sooner (like around age 40). I know I'm going to sound like a broken record, but dating at 50 just plain [censored]! On Monday an amazing guy approached me at the gym (first time that happened). We had a nice conversation and then later we went to hit golf balls and have a drink. Seriously, it was the best time I've had since being divorced. What's the problem? He's 32!!! It saddens me because the men my age don't come close to the openness and vulnerability this man showed to me. He just wanted to get to know me. He was playful, fun, sexy, cute....etc. I just need someone a wee bit older, but with his energy and demeanor.
When I was 20-something or 30-something I would have had more men like this to choose from. But, being 50...the pickings are quite slim.

Thanks for letting me vent and for hijacking a bit....

Quote:

We had a nice conversation and then later we went to hit golf balls and have a drink. Seriously, it was the best time I've had since being divorced. What's the problem? He's 32!!!

Golfgirl - go out with him and have a good time. What the heck.

Ellie,
Thank you! He's really terrific, shows up emotionally, brings me flowers and has NO drama...

Plus, okay let's just say it....he's HOT!

So - what's not to like?

25,
thank you. I remember your good advices from the Lovenomatterwhat's topic.

My greatest problem is my job and education.
I don't have career, I am in IT sales and I am not very good salesman. That's why I need more skills in order to achieve financial stability. I need good salary to afford my girl's English, swimming and tennis lessons.

I have never had another relationship. I have never kissed another woman. I cannot imagine a life with someone else.
Looking back in the past a man who loves a woman never would do such things as I did to her.
She told me that I had never loved her, neither the OM loved her. We just love making sex with her in her opinion.
May be she is right.

I regret my failure because I liked her physically and she loved me unconditionally. She married me without conditions. I do not have money and real estates, I don't have prestigious education and job. She loved me because of me.

Originally Posted By: Nukem

25,
thank you. I remember your good advices from the Lovenomatterwhat's topic.

My greatest problem is my job and education.
I don't have career, I am in IT sales and I am not very good salesman. That's why I need more skills in order to achieve financial stability. I need good salary to afford my girl's English, swimming and tennis lessons.

I have never had another relationship. I have never kissed another woman. I cannot imagine a life with someone else.
Looking back in the past a man who loves a woman never would do such things as I did to her.
She told me that I had never loved her, neither the OM loved her. We just love making sex with her in her opinion.
May be she is right.

I regret my failure because I liked her physically and she loved me unconditionally. She married me without conditions. I do not have money and real estates, I don't have prestigious education and job. She loved me because of me.

sounds to me as if you have learned some GREAT Lessons Nukem...any woman who KNEW this, would be moved...if she trusted it.

Only time and consistent change on your end, will possibly convince her of those changes.

But keep them up even if she all she recalls is your failings,

b/c YOU WANT TO BE A BETTER MAN..and that means, to me

that you can be.

((( )))

Golfgirl, I see no problem dating younger guy. I myself feel attracted by mature ladies. I'm 35

You loved her "Physically"??? Huh? That doesn't sound right. Did you love her 100% or just the sex? If you only loved her physically - that's not enough.

Barb

Originally Posted By: SunFunOne

You loved her "Physically"??? Huh? That doesn't sound right. Did you love her 100% or just the sex? If you only loved her physically - that's not enough.

Barb

I mean I like each particle of her body each her defect.
I don't know if I love her hundred percent. I know I miss her, miss her love. I think my love has no value.
And I am nobody without her beside me.

I know I sound selfishly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u0i9Kr9qPM
the song is performed in my language and it is named We are not saints

if you like it I will translate it for you

Nukem,

The best advice I can give you is to talk to a counsellor about your feelings. About how you feel worthless without her. No one on Earth should "complete" us and no relationship can stand the test of time if we are not "whole" on our own.

You need to work on yourself. In all aspects that you feel are lacking. You do this for YOU (not just for your daughter or your wife). YOU deserve to be the best you can possibly be. And unless you do this - you will not attract the right people into your life whether you save your marriage or not. If you DO NOT try to improve your self and your self image - the good things in life will not be yours.

I wish you the best but you MUST make the changes NOW!

Barb

I am diagnosed with depression, Barb.
I will survive :-)

But you can't use that as an excuse or a crutch. Many people are diagnosed with depression but with counselling and/or medication they can live wonderful lives.

If you want the best possible life for yourself - step out of the self pity (we have all been there) and pick up your pieces - one at a time. Make YOU the best YOU and the rest will fall into place.

I am a SURVIVOR. You need to become a SURVIVOR too.

Barb

Nukem, do you think you were depressed before all this happened or after. I have definitely had months where it was an effort just to get dressed.

Yep, I think I was depressed long before the divorce.
But I didn't stop my outdoor workouts even when she was with the OM and I was considering suicide. I stopped doing yoga and tried Chinese acupuncture to heal my spinal problems. I continued studying English.

My weakest point is my job. I am not good at speaking while selling require lots of communication skill.

Divorce was something that I thought always happened to someone else. I would bet most of us here believed that to be true for them also since they felt the need to come to this board in the first place.

It's normal to look back with regret about what you might have done to cause this. We all have regrets and we all own some blame even if it's no more than not being tuned in to the cracks that were forming in our relationships. I thought for a very longtime that if I had been more into ex and not so into my kids that that would have made the difference. I understand now that that's not the case at all. We all have baggage that we bring into our marriages. Some of us are stronger and deal with what we didn't get or may have missed out on as part of life. Then there are those that are wounded and weak, and it takes something like a MLC for them to stand up for themselves and wanting to make up for all of the things they feel they missed out on. They end up acting like spoiled children. To be honest, what you described of the way you acted towards your wife sounds much the same.

Since you sound as if you have some remorse and understanding of your contribution to the demise of your relationship, that's a great place to start. Maybe it's too late for your ex but it can only help you in the next relationship. That's a great thing! If you ever had the opportunity to tell your ex what you wrote here, I'm sure she would appreciate hearing it.

I have been seeing a guy for quite a few years now. Weird thing is that he treats me better than my ex ever did. I chalk that up to him being happy with himself, something my ex never was. I have kids and even though they are older I still feel that they need Mom, since Dad flaked out and is no where to be found. So for now my new relationship is chugging along, happily. Who knows where this will take us in the future but I'm enjoying the ride for now.

Good luck!