i asked this question in the newcomers forum but i think i will have a better chance of a response here as we're all "trying" over there. i hope you all here can give me the benefit of your experiences.
question for anyone on here who knows the answer:
FOR THE DBer's WHO ENDED UP DIVORCED BUT HUNG IN THERE, MONTH AFTER MONTH, AND FINALLY WERE DIVORCED BY THEIR S OR DECIDED TO DO THE DIVORCING, DO THEY WISH THEY HAD THROWN IN THE TOWEL EARLIER AND NOT SUFFERED SO MUCH FOR SO LONG??
anybody...
Hi scaredsilly,
Sometimes I do look back and wish that I hadn't spent so long but it was a process and I recognise that I needed to go through everything I did to heal properly and be happy today. And I am very happy now despite being divorced and not reconciling. Anyway, you can't rush your heart, it will go at it's own pace despite whatever your head tells it.
(((scaredsilly)))
thanks, jcj. you're correct; my heart is battling my head. thanks for your response and i'm glad you're happy!
Hi SS,
I took a couple of years before filing for the D. My H moved back once but it did not last. OW had him firmly in her clutches. I did not stand a chance.
I think it is best to try to work things out and give it your best shot - especially if there are kids involved. It is far better to look back and know you did everything you could and be able to tell your kids that you tried hard - because they were worth it than to divorce quickly and always wonder what might have been.
Just my 2 cents worth.
Barb
I fought for five long years knowing my spouse did not want me. In that time, I used DB tactics and grew as a person despite the lack of progress in regaining my marriage. People would ask "when are you gonna give up?" and I'd reply "I don't know how to give up. I'll keep trying until I can't anymore" and that's what happened, when I couldn't anymore I pulled the plug. But, I can always look my kids in the face and say "Daddy did everything he could to save that marriage" and know that it is true. Don't leave only to think later "what if I had of..." Even in these difficult situations we can still grow and become stronger, better people. I did. When it's time to go, you'll know.
Thank you SFO and WII,
there are no kids involved so the consequences of my choice will only be mine. I know I can't last five years! What patience! I will try to last until this coming December. I will not spend another Christmas in limbo!
Anyone else have any reflections?
thanks, gb23,
no, i'm not living in his mother's house. he is. his mother and the rest of his family have cut me totally off; no contact, no concern if i'm ok. i'm not from this town so for the past 15 years of our lives together, they have been my "family" and "friends" and now, nothing. very dissapointing, to say the least.
throwing in the towel means filing for myself and not waiting for him to either file or R. it would be me saying to myself, it's totally over and there's no hope for R and i'm going to look for another partner in life because i like having a partner.
"lasting until december" is my personal deadline for making my decision if one hasn't been nailed down by then by me or him. an OW would make it quicker. i'm giving myself 'till then because i refuse to spend another christmas married to a husband who choses not to be with me. he has done that to me twice before (as punishment) and it will not happen a third time. it's just too cruel, in my mind.
i'm not keeping my life on hold completely. i'm GAL in many ways and enjoying it. i have had my son and his family in this town now for the past five years so i'm not completely alone anymore. however, it would be nice to have a male companion to enjoy things with.
thanks for responding to my big question. from yours and the other responses, i can see there is no clear-cut answer...
I think you need to ask yourself if you have tried everything. Even then, the pain will still be there but the healing will begin. It can take years. Don't rush into another relationship. It is best to find your footing again and get happy on your own.
You always want to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of it all.
kat
but what is "everything"? that could be so, so much. no, i haven't tried everything, yet, but i can't see myself actually doing that. i would expect some returned efforts from him before i would try more.
i just see so many of us, me included, grabbing onto these crummy, little parcels of hope the WAS doles out our way; a certain look we see as hopeful, a word that could me he still cares, an action that could mean he's thinking of coming back. it's all so tragic and pitiful. it's as if we have no self respect anymore and we're not good enough unless this loser (and they're not that great or the marriage would have been better) wants to be with us.
i don't know. maybe, especially after being left alone for another holiday weekend, i'm sick of the game playing. besides making ourselves better (which i'm doing) that's all the rest of it is: game playing, trying to outfox them. that's why it's not recommended that we let them see the DB and DR books. those are our play books and they are the opposing team...
it's not a game and we are never trying to win anything but ourselves. if that brings us closer together, well that's gravy but it isn't the main point
if that is your main point then you are definitely doing things for the wrong reason
you aren't trying to trick anyone or change anyone(except yourself)
you should be on the same team!!!
"should" is the key word. i don't feel as if i'm on a team. i'm alone here.
my main point is to have a happy life, what's left of it. i don't have a lot of time left. do i continue trying to "stand" for this marriage when he isn't (or at least he's not now) or do i move on?
i'm changing and have changed. he's changing, too. but will it be enough? what kind of person would not feel bad about me being alone on a holiday weekend? i can see by our credit card account transactions he bought new clothes on friday. he also bought something from a bait store so he has plans for the weekend. he has family. he has friends. this person claims to love me "very, very much".
maybe some times, they are not good enough for US...?
and, maybe we would be happier sooner if we recognized that they are not good enough for us SOONER?
Everyone has their own time lines. There is a friend of mine on mid-life crisis who hung in there I believe for at least 5 years and her H has slowly come around during that time.
You have to decide. No one can do it for you. I have 4 kids so there wasn't even a possibility that I wouldnt fight hard. I tried everything I could think of. I didn't save my marriage, he went on to marry the OW and I went on to find myself again. I am happy with me but know I need to push myself to get out and meet people. My kids are very supportive of that.
Know what you can live with.
kat
maybe they aren't good enough for us...
maybe it is a moot statement
you do what you can do for however long you can do it
if you are truly done trying...why are you posting on here asking if you can be?
who are we to give you permission?
i'm not looking for permission. i'm sorry you feel that way. i was looking for reflections and experiences.
i don't know if i'm truly done. i'm not asking if i can be. i'm exploring what others have gone through and asking for insights into their journeys.
isn't that what these forums are for? it sounds as if i've upset you? i didn't mean to.
FOR THE DBer's WHO ENDED UP DIVORCED BUT HUNG IN THERE, MONTH AFTER MONTH, AND FINALLY WERE DIVORCED BY THEIR S OR DECIDED TO DO THE DIVORCING, DO THEY WISH THEY HAD THROWN IN THE TOWEL EARLIER AND NOT SUFFERED SO MUCH FOR SO LONG??
No. True growth is painful. And it made me what I am today.
So no. Suffering??!!! Pffttt ...
Steel gets hardened in the fire.
thanks, drew! i like your attitude!
SS...it just sounds like you are really really angry
if you are still this angry then maybe you aren't done
you are acting like this is something they are doing TO us...as if everything in life is fair
but all things in life aren't fair or equal and only we know ourselves enough to know when we have done all that we can do and only we know when we are at peace with where we are
when we are at peace with ourselves, the anger and feelings of not fair, aren't there (or at least they weren't there for me...I can feel angry at things that have been done but it doesn't feel personal...like he picked ME out to do this to and how dare he do this to ME)
OK. My first big regret is actually moving out. I thought, incorrectly, that she'd beg to have me back within a couple of months. Turns out within four months she had a boyfriend.
Looking back, I'm still torn. Part of me wished as soon as another man was in the picture -- even though she swore he was just a friend -- I would have filed for divorce.
BUT, and this is a big BUT, I did not do the divorcing. She did. And my daughters know I wanted to work it out and this was their mother's decision. And that's going to remain true for the rest of their lives.
Now, one thing I am sure of is that once the divorce was filed I should have pushed it along. I did not lift a finger until it was 14 months into the process. Once I began pushing to finish it it was over in two months.
I do wish I'd done that.
Thank you, CTH. good to get your perspective.
Yes, figg, you are correct. I am still angry, some days much more than others. If losing my anger is the signal that I'm truly done, then I would not be.
Your insight is helpful. I don't think life is fair. I truly wish it were but I've been through a lot and know better. What I wish for more than fairness is gratitude and I've been sorely disappointed in that "expectation". So, that will have to go but what goes with it is my generosity. However, most of my generosity came from a self-imposed feeling of obligation. So, it's a good thing overall.