No big new news. With summer over, I thought it was time for a new thread.
I had my divorce recovery class again last night. The massive church I go to is hurting because they bought a mall expecting rent from tenants to help pay the mortgage. Well, the tenants left because of the economy and now they are on a big fundraising drive. If they don't reach a goal, all of the side ministries, including this divorce ministry, will be canceled.
I don't think they'll get the money. It's just too tough here.
After that talk was done, we got down to the actual class and it was OK. The session was about how "the fall" from the Garden of Eden affects relationships. I've never really bought into that one.
The discussion veered off into love languages and I admitted I still have problem saying thank you or praising XW. That goes way back. I hate having to rely on others. I always wanted to be Superman and so I've never been great thanking people for helping me.
XW's major love language -- I'm guessing, she never took the class -- is "Words of Affirmation." XW was always the pretty girl that everyone assumed wasn't very smart because she's so quiet. She loves, craves being told she's smart and successful.
I failed miserably at that and I'm still failing at it. Now, it's more out of stubborness because of the divorce.
So last night, after the session, I texted XW saying how well she prepared D12 for her audition last week.
I have no idea if she cares or not. I sent the text for me. I need to treat EVERYONE with respect.
Are you hoping at some point that you can still put your marriage back together? Nothing against that but I am thinking that if that is the case, this evaluation of things you needed to bring to the table in regards to her is a good start.
I know of two couples that divorced, worked through whatever they were going through and then remarried. Obviously if you aren't hoping for a future with her, it is great to evaluate for future relationships.
kat
Kat, I've closed no doors in my life. If something happened and magically XW showed up saying it was a mistake and she wanted to work on the R again I would not turn her down. It would take an awful lot to ever trust her again though. I see what Mishka is going through and it's a tough situation.
Either way I have to become more consistent in treating everyone with respect. I'm always playing angles. Trying to get things just like I want them. When someone is no longer useful or an impediment I treat them differently. That has to stop.
Journaling -- XW over again tonight. She is having major struggles getting bus routes set up correctly for girls. I could have done this last week when on vacation, but this is her responsibility so I stayed out of it.
Still, she feels it is necessary to call me after every phone call with the district.
Anyway, in final phone call D12 asked her to come over and sign marching band papers. Since XW was coming, D9 wanted her to read and sign her school handbook.
XW was coming from her mom's house because she had to pick up the dog. The fact the dog was there meant that she had another showing of the house, which still isn't selling after she dropped the price $20k.
So she was over for 30 minutes. I took the dog out to play. Hung around the living room for a bit. Then it was over.
My day? Got a few things done at work. Got a request to work another running race this weekend. I'll only be able to do one of two days (missing out on $175). So here's my weekend:
Friday -- regular job until 4 p.m. Pick up D9 and take her to XW's. Then head to high school football game to earn extra $45 as scoreboard operator. Also covering game for newspaper because of the budget cuts.
Saturday -- head to town 60 minutes away to shoot pool video for my sister's company. Wanted to change this but the guy actually shooting the video really, really needs the money. I'm making like $75. He's making $300 or so. After, head to Chicago suburb for Sunday race.
Sunday -- beginning at 12:30 a.m. head to running race and work until about 4 p.m. Then home to ... sleep probably because I'll be back to regular job on Monday.
Ten years from now when child support is a memory and I'm hopefully in a bigger house in a better place in life I'll look back at this time and wonder how I put this all together.
CTH, I always said that too "I close no doors" but I wonder if that is the route to take for either of us. There's nothing wrong with being co-operative, supportive (depending on the issue e.g. childrearing)but it's really not your job to affirm her anymore. Be careful with the affirming thing, it can look like you're trying to get her back and that can raise an ugly head. If I recall one of her major complaints for a while was that you hadn't given up. Try not to do "more of the same". Just thoughts, but I'm damn proud of you for the effort you are putting into bridging that large divide between the two of you. It's an enormous benefit to the kids.
Long weekend done and the cake-eating continues this morning.
XW has to be in to work early on Monday so she texts to ask if I can take girls to school this morning?
I was going to donate plasma and make an extra $20, but I can do it tomorrow. So I say yes.
She drops D9 off at 7:15 a.m. Or more accurately she follows D9. She rode her bike here without a jacket and was freezing.
So I get her off to school and D9 tells me a little about her weekend including a couple of XW quotes of "your dad shouldn't."
I was a little perturbed and was considering sending a text. Then I thought, XW is just jealous. She always has been. The latest issue was about D9 hanging out at this one girl's house when she doesn't want to do something with D12 and me. XW tells D9 that I'm using this family as "free babysitting."
Duh.
I don't have family here like XW has her mom to fill in gaps. So I've set up a network of people D9's friends with where she can go for a couple of hours. It's a trade off because I'll have their kids over here to give them a break.
XW doesn't do this because it entails calling people and asking and then also helping them in return.
Oh well.
XW also didn't look at lunch menu and sent D9 to school without a lunch. D9 didn't like school lunch options, threw a fit, and the school called me -- because XW didn't answer her phone at work -- and I took her lunch.
So super dad to the rescue -- again.
The key to all of these situations is that I'm doing what's best for the girls. I am making XW's life easier, but I have bigger issues to face than struggling over schedules.
The only thing from weekend I really wasn't happy with is I didn't make it out Saturday night. My social circle is in flux. My friend from the newspaper who I would head out with moved after being let go. The wife of another former co-worker who usually goes out, went out Friday and stayed in Saturday. Several others who sometimes go out weren't. So I stayed in. The positive is I saved money but still ...
Final thing for those of who made it through whole post. Next Tuesday is XW's 40th birthday. I plan on sending her black balloons at work and a card simply saying happy birthday.
I believe the 40th is a significant birthday and -- unlike XW -- I plan on being the bigger person and sending something. Also -- and this is the devious XH -- XW usually didn't want a big deal made out of her birthday because she doesn't like getting older. Now, I'll be letting her whole office know she's 40.
So it works on a couple of levels.
OUCH. You don't think that gesture might backfire and have her spewing at you? You're making strides to be respectful toward her, does this add to your goal?
CTH,
I'm with mishka. I think you should seriously reconsider sending the balloons to her office.
Mish is absolutely right.
Skip the balloons, it is an ugly and inappropriate thing to do.
Black balloons can only be sent by a very closed loved one. You are not that.
Sending them is not only mean and spiteful, it is invasive and intrusive, it is bordering on stalker like behavior.
You are not her spouse, not her significant other, not her friend, not her lover.
Back off and leave her the he11 alone. Criminy.
If you really want to be the bigger person, encourage your kids to make something of their own choosing for her and support their project. If you feel you must give her a gift, give her movie passes for her and your kids (not you), or something like that -- a disposable gift certificate.
By sending any type of balloons, flowers etc you are opening up the possibility that others will ask who sent them therefore you may create embarassment and that's not what here BD should be.
Nix the balloon idea. My ex turned 50 right after we split. He told the kids "no party". Uh - are you kidding? The kids would not have a party - they never even went to his place (EVER) because of OW. I did get him a card and a small gift from Ryan. (He can't do his own shopping). But did he really think we were going to have a party?
You don't like your ex - that's obvious. Doing something to announce it makes YOU look silly. Or mean.
Barb
Actually Barb, there are times I don't like my ex and there are times I feel like all of the feelings are still there.
OK. No balloons. No card either. Just another day on the calendar.
I figured this would be the last birthday of any significance really. By the time she's 50, we'll have been divorced 10 years and apart 12. I would hope by then she'd just be an occasional memory.
I still have some raw nerves on this whole thing. I opened up my gmail account and XW forwarded a response she sent to D9's school case worker.
The original email was sent to "Mr. and Mrs. CTH."
She responded.
"It's Ms. CTH. CTH and I are divorced."
I didn't read the rest of the email. I just put it in a folder of her other email. I know I'm being too sensitive on this. I remember getting mail from my lawyer referring to her as "Ms." and I hated it then too.
I think I've been around her too much the last month, too much time over at the old house.
C2H: I think your feelings are normal. I was extremely sensitive to the things that were said and done. And for a long time after.
It took me years of therapy and finally total darkness (no contact for 5 years) that finally made me stop thinking about what he did to me and all the associated hurts.
And it has now been 10 years for me. And I saw him every day for 2 weeks last year (when our son was in ICU) and guess what? He IS a distant memory. It doesn't feel so painful anymore. Exactly what you predicted.
It all comes down to - I bruise you - you bruise me. If she bruises you and you don't react - she'll probably do it less. Yes - that was one thing I learned.
Barb
I think I've been around her too much the last month, too much time over at the old house.
The good thing?
This is entirely in your power to control.
Think about that.
Maybe it will help.
Maybe I am lucky, I have two last names. Never went by Mrs Anyone but I kept reinforcing two last names put that together with an unusual first name and well you have me in a nutshell.
It is fine to not like her. She did a very hurtful thing to you. She probably sees it as doing something for herself. Always two sides you know. So do things that help you to distance yourself enough to keep you feeling good. When you do things for her, I imagine she feels as if you will always be available to help her and then she can go right back to treating you badly.
You may justify it as doing a good thing like you would for anyone. The problem is that she isn't anyone. She is your ex. If it is something to do with the kids, I can see that as a bit easier to take. Plowing her drive isn't your problem and this is why. She needs to make those adjustments in her life like any single person. She will never have a chance to see how good you were fir her if you keep doing this stuff. She won't have a chance to miss you as you are always there to rescue her.
Just some food for thought. Kat
Shoveling the drive and trying to cut up the branches that fell this summer I think was MY guilt over treating her like a pariah for the past two years.
The girls told me she actually WAS MAD when she saw the branches. She didn't like that I piled them in the back corner of the yard with other old branches she never took care of.
I was thinking about that stuff this morning. I will not do anything like that again. I think I've taken of the guilt on my side.
Funny, my emotions have swung back over to anger again towards the Ex. I was doing dishes yesterday morning and felt the bitterness. I asked myself why. What changed from the past few days.
Basically, fear. I wanted to go out Saturday night and ended up staying in because all of the friends I usually go out with were occupied. When I want to do something and can't find someone to do it with, I feel like such a failure.
Again, fear of failure drives my anger.
I have to learn to be OK with doing nothing. I have to learn to be OK to be by myself. I have to stop judging myself negatively.
Long, long, long process.
Long, long, long process.
Boy, you aren't kidding. Not just a long process, a lifelong process.
Battling our self-image that has been our identity for our entire lives is something that we are not able to actually do. We just get better at the thought stopping process.
I have full on 'hate talks' with myself in my head on a daily basis. Thankfully, they have become shorter through a lot of therapy but hey won't go away entirely.
Since you feel like a failure when you don't have someone to go out with, try to come up with an activity in your home that makes you feel like you have accomplished something in doing it. You have said you are working on a book, right. When you have no outside activity to go to, would you feel better about yourself if you took that time to work on that? It's a goal to finish it right? It doesn't require anyone else to get it done. You'll feel great when it's done. Those are the things you can replace that 'loser' feeling with.
If I can't find anyone to go out with, I go out by myself. I've gone out to restaurants, movies, museums, hikes, kayaking with a tour (other people, but I didn't know any of them). Try it - it actually isn't scary once you are there.
Maybe it's a time of year thing. I remember last year I just wanted nothing to do with XW at the start of the school year.
I'm back to that again. I think the email exchange between her and the school official where she emphasized it was "MS." CTH set me off.
She forwarded another email where the officials responded "MS. CTH and Mr. CTH."
I am guessing she just doesn't see that as insensitive. I sent her an email saying that. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did it anyway.
In any case, this is the annual IEP meeting again and the two options are next Tuesday, which is XW's birthday, and next Thursday.
I am definitely not going to agree to her birthday. I had tons planned for that day already.
I need to flush the anger between now and then.
I was having some good moments yesterday. D9 had an after school meltdown and I was able to get her back on track. That was good.
The girls then went to the health club, and I felt like XW is the one missing out. I had my faults, but I was 100 percent dedicated to her.
I felt like I will be fine. The money is working out. Eventually someone else will come into my life. I felt like I really didn't want her back, not with all the negativity and depression.
It's one thing to say it or realize it, it's another when you feel that way. I am guessing over time the feeling will grow and I won't have to remind myself so much.
I will make the meeting on the 8th and I will look good and I will speak up. The days of deferring to XW are over. D9 is not off to a good start this year at her new school. The more I think about it, the more I'd like to figure out a way to hold her back a year. It's the only thing we haven't tried.
I'm liking Thursday mornings. D12's school district has two start times. An earlier one for K-6 and a later one for 7-12. The district read studies where older kids just don't function well early in the mornings. So D12's school starts 45 minutes later.
After dropping D9 off at school, D12 and I had 45 minutes together. This is going to work out really well. We went to eat breakfast. D12 isn't happy about the house. XW keeps taking them to open houses. They are looking at small house one-story houses, slightly more square feet than mine.
First thing is XW still hasn't received an offer on the house. I can see why. Even though she's dropped the price $20k, the house needs another $20k -- minimum -- in repairs.
Eventually though she'll have to leave and, from the price range she's looking at, she's realizing that she'll have to make major adjustments in life style.
D12 doesn't want that though. Now she has a big house -- my old one -- where there's plenty of space away from D9, plus the big back yard, the creek, the house has charms. And she has the small house -- my current one -- where there's not a lot of room so we make do.
Some day it's going to be two small houses for D12. Two small bedrooms. A severing of the link to her childhood.
Just your typical hurricane of emotions -- good, bad.
She forwarded another email where the officials responded "MS. CTH and Mr. CTH."
I am guessing she just doesn't see that as insensitive. I sent her an email saying that. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did it anyway.
I don't understand how that is insensitive. How else could they address both of you?
Some day it's going to be two small houses for D12. Two small bedrooms. A severing of the link to her childhood.
I would try to spin the positive for her rather than the negative. Help her to see that she is fortunate to still have two loving, involved parents, and while she may not have a big house she does still have a house. Maybe taking her to volunteer in a shelter so she sees that there are so many less fortunate kids.
It is so easy to say and see what we have lost. Is is several times more difficult to see what we have gained and then to pass that on.
There is a choice to be made here...to let the divorce define you and your children's lives or to find a way to make it a blip on the radar. Dig deep and find a way to make the positives more apparent. Focusing on just you and your girls is a step in the right direction. If it helps, I started to take my kids on mini-adventures once we were separated. I took the kids on the spur of the moment to the Omaha zoo(3 hours away), another time to Atchison to see Amelia Earhart's childhood home and even an hour jaunt to Emporia to see their zoo. The kids keep asking when the next one will be...
kat
... find a way to make it a blip on the radar.
Excellent!!!
BND, she originally forwarded me the email where she corrected the school official saying we are divorced and it is Ms. now. That bothered me. I don't want to be reading emails between her and others where she's updating everyone that we are divorced. She could have just sent me an email saying "hey, they want to meet with us on these dates."
It's mostly me. I read those words and I see "I divorced that loser. My name now is ..."
Kat, I was actually happy about yesterday because there were times I felt fortunate to be free of her and the situation. Those times are growing ever so slowly. It's tough though when I'm around the girls because they want us back together. They want to know the house will always be there. They want the life they had.
Part of it is impatience too. I am eager for something great to happen. I have problems just "being fine."
Quick mental game:
I miss being with my daughters every day.
I don't miss having to gauge how XW wants me to react when the girls have a problem or issue.
I miss having someone there on the weekends and at the end of the day.
I don't miss having to negotiate her increasingly negative moods about work, her family, the house and me.
I miss the sex from years 1 through 10 of the marriage.
I don't miss the final 3 years where she was 1 million miles away.
I don't miss her family -- at all.
I miss having two incomes to work with.
I don't miss having to keep the family finances above water while she spent, spent and spent every dime and then some.
I miss having the ring on my finger -- the illusion of the perfect life and not having to explain my situation.
I don't miss the 'what is wrong with us' feeling that I've struggled with since probably 2002.
I miss waking up next to her. That's a hard one.
I don't miss watching her tumble deeper into the abyss and not knowing how to help her.
I actually miss our dog.
If you add it up, I don't miss her the person. Not the person she turned out to be. I miss the person I married, but she disappeared years ago. I do miss having the comfort, backbone and image of a family -- and I do miss my girls.
I hear you, CTH. I too miss being a family. A great deal of my identity was built into being the husband and family man. I lost a lot of that, just as you have. We shall overcome!
Yes. It seems like the lost image of success is what bothers me the most. That means I'm superficial. I am working on it.
It's not superficial! It's who you were for a lot of years, now it's adjusting to being someone else.
I am eager for something great to happen.
So what are you waiting for???!!!
Make it happen.
Just once, look it this as a gift and see if that doesn't make you look at things, and more importantly, ACT differently.
Life is short CTH. Make it count.
I guess I'm doing a mix of things, Drew.
I am making things happen professionally. Working on getting my personal blog going again, doing the book project for the developer, have had three meetings now on what career to pursue next.
I am doing the divorce recovery class again on Tuesdays and met one interesting lady -- but she's really deep in despair right now.
My church group started up again last night and I was thinking of not going because I'm still disappointed over Church_31 and she is a co-leader. I went and am glad I did. There were at least eight new people, including three interesting new women, so there's new people to know.
When I get down -- and strangely I've been down a lot the past couple of weeks -- I eventually get to the point where I tell myself "keep doing what you are doing. Something great is going to happen."
Patience has never, ever been my virtue. I always push too hard. So that's what I'm trying to learn. Stay on the path and good things will come. I'm trying to do that with my daughters. Lead by example, instead of by lecture.
Journaling: Response from XW on meeting next week. It'll be the 8th. No response from my email about not forwarding stuff to me where she's correcting her marital status.
I should be able to avoid her this weekend. I pick the girls up after school and they are with me Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Thinking about Monday. Really, it's my Labor Day to have them, but she promised them she'd take them to Great America. That's fine with me. So if she keeps the promise, I may walk them to her house Sunday night so they can wake up there.
That way I can get up early Monday to either go golfing or donate plasma. Then the rest of the day I'm going to try to spend working on the book project. I can't let that get behind. I'll need that money next year when it's finished.
Interesting. I see a girl on plentyoffish from my town, right age, very pretty, that I'd like to meet and send her a message.
Turns out she knows me. I went with her to a party years ago and even kissed her hand. I don't remember any of this.
She married a classmate of mine and they are separated. I remember the classmate. Big, good looking football player. Had a temper, but nothing dangerous. We were friends.
Not sure if this will go anywhere. Not sure if I want it to -- at least while they are separated. I hated my ex-wife hanging out with her biker buddies in a po-dunk town while we were still married, and I didn't know any of them.
I couldn't date a lady married to a classmate until the divorce was final. I doubt I could date anyone who was just separated. I hate divorce. I want marriages to work out.
Well, there's separated, and then there's separated. I was separated for two years before my divorce was finalized, but it was completely over from the day he filed soon after he left. All the DBing, drama, reconciliation attempts etc in our case had gone on in the years before he left - once he was gone it was quickly over from an emotional sense. The ONLY reason it took two years to get divorced was that the paperwork side of things was such a pain in the neck.
So - I know my sitch wasn't necessarily the norm, but I'm just saying some people are still legally in the separation stage but emotionally well divorced. Similarly, some people have divorced but not let go yet. Which do you think she is?
(P.S. She never forgot you kissing her hand!)
Yes. KML. I thought that was interesting. We've exchanged a couple more emails. She knows several of my friends.
I guess it's an honor thing or the LBS thing. From the day I left, it seems as if XW considered it over. She was spotted at the county fair getting on a motorcycle with a guy in '09 and she did the Sturgis trip in '10 with her biker buddies.
I was stuck in limbo. Wondering if I should give up or wait for her to change her mind. I never fully committed either way.
I know it hurt like h*ll when I found out about the biker guy -- even if she said he was just a friend and she's on Match now looking for love.
So I don't want to be the biker guy -- the OM in a situation where a husband is hoping it'll all work out, especially if I know him.
I found her on FB and sent her a friend request. Apparently, she saw me a couple of months ago at a bar near my house. She didn't say hi because she didn't think I'd remember her -- she's right there -- and I was in the middle of an intense conversation.
I think I remember the night she's talking about and I remember noticing a pretty blond that night.
I'm just hoping right now she'll accept the friend request and perhaps we can hang out sometime this fall. That's enough for me.
Weird. Watching Megamind with D12. Computer created heroine is short brown haired beauty and my mind wandered to XW and ...
XW's 40th is in two days. I hope this is the last time I care about her birthday.
My exh bday is next month. I don't know whether to do anything at all or not. He never seemed to like anything anyway so probably not.
Gabbysmom, actually I was leaning toward nothing anyway. Just sympathizing with CTH about having feelings about his XW bday. What he got me last year for my Bday was so generic I don't even want to get him anything and he got me nothing for Christmas. But then got something for me from my youngest for Mother's Day. I can't remember for sure what I got him for Father's Day, I think it was a card from youngest and she made a t-shirt at Girl Scouts so I think that was it.
The birthday thing is going to zoom by and I'll be OK.
I remember I had a surprise party for XW's 30th. She was mad about something, I forget what, and marched downstairs. I was carrying D12 who was 2.... Wow.
Anyway, she opened the door and her friends said surprise and someone snapped a picture and ... she was mad.
A minute later they took another picture of her smiling.
This weekend was the tough part. I still have not completely gotten over wondering what XW might be doing. I wondered if she was out celebrating. I know I shouldn't care, but I still do.
Her actual birthday? I avoided the school meeting. I'll just get the girls after school, head back to work at 5 p.m. and miss XW and then I have my divorce recovery group and then interview No. 2 with the developer paying me to basically record his autobiography.
It's a full, full day.
That's good to hear. Basically my day went to hell. It started okay. Took my grandma shopping at Wally World. Then my oldest got home. I was expecting her to do her chores but she was a little snotty about it so I started getting on her case. It was a nasty argument 99.9% my fault. Anyway, dragged her father into it. That didn't go well either. Followed by pursuing behavior as in wouldn't it be better for the girls if we worked things out and got back together. I know better but sometimes my brains check out and I do stupid stuff. I hate weekends right now. Can't wait to move. He had left but when he got back I threw it in his face that he was hurting the girls and me by living so close. They are hurting because I'm on pins and needles all the time. His response is than maybe I should give them to him. As if!
The less time I'm around him for awhile the better it will be.
OUCH! Not good, not good at all.
My xh tried that one once when I had a meltdown over not being able to handle something our son was doing. His 'fix it' mentality was - just give him to me, I'll deal with him so you don't have to. That's a man reaction. Don't take it personally.
From the man's perspective, it isn't fair if you vent when you are having difficulty handling them when you wanted the physical custody.
Maybe a couple of years from now when everything is settled, but not early in the process.
I would have said the same thing.
Thanks mish and CTH for the response. Sorry I hijacked your thread by the way.
Having a perfectly awful day. Last night XW sends me a text that she schedules two doctors appointments for today -- my day.
I can't get D9 to one. The other is the psychologist appointment. She includes in her text that she "thinks it would be good if I took her."
That probably means nothing, but I'm upset that she scheduled these appointments without asking me first.
I text back "why do you think it would be good that I took her."
She doesn't respond. In the morning she sends a text that she's canceling the appointments, with the kicker in there that she thought I'd want to take her and "she didn't know why she thought that."
I text back that I was planning on taking her.
As I left work, I wondered why I reacted that way. Why do I care anymore about scoring points. Why can't I just treat her like anyone else. I resolved -- again -- to do so.
Then I get D9. On Wednesdays I'm picking her up right after school to give her a break from after-school stuff.
She wants to go to the library -- so we go. But no, she wants to go to the downtown library. That's a different issue. I don't want to drive her downtown, then drive back, then drive downtown again to do some work only to drive back again to get her for her doctor's appointment.
I patiently try to explain to her that she'll have to wait until D12 gets home at 4 p.m. and then we'll go.
XW calls. She's having a bad day at work. She leaves an opening for me to ask what's going on -- I was always there for her to vent about work -- but I don't bite. She explains that she didn't realize it was a Wednesday when she made the appointment. I said I was going to take D9 to her appointment.
Then I get a text from D12. She has auditions today and won't be done until 5 p.m. Now I can't take D9 to the downtown library. There just isn't enough time to do that, finish my work for the newspaper and get her to the appointment.
D9 gets angry and starts threatening. She won't go to her doctor's appointment, she won't do her homework, she won't go to school, she wants to go on a bikeride to mom's ...
Already, by throwing the fit, it means I can't get back to the office and will have to email some stuff in.
She's thrown these "it's my way or I'll blow up" incidents almost every day for the past three weeks.
And finally I lost it. I pounded the desk, saying she has to work with me. She can't have everything her way every single day or else I can't be there in the afternoons.
And then I went and sat outside and felt like it was July 4 all over again. I felt helpless. She's never going to get better. I'm always going to be alone because I love her and she just wears me down. No sane person would ever willingly sign up for this.
Finally, it was time to pick up D12 and D9 refused. So I dragged her to the car and forcefully put her in the back seat. She wanted to stay home alone, but I told her no, I can't trust her by herself because she doesn't listen to me when I'm there.
Thankfully, she didn't try to bolt from the car and we went to get D12. D9 asks me if XW texted yet. I ask why. She says she sent her a text.
I look at my phone. Her texts: "I will kill myself if I have to stay at dad's." And "I hate my life."
Great. Just what I want XW to see.
We get D12 and finally D9 is quiet and holding back tears. Her anger is subsiding and when that happens she gets very apologetic.
Problem is I'm worn down. I feel like I can't keep going through this every day. I tell her she has to send XW a text saying she was wrong and apologizes. She does that.
Still, I'm fuming. I put a lot of mental effort into doing the best I can to make sure they get home as soon as possible after school. I could just wash my hands on the nights they aren't with me and leave her at daycare or after-school care until 5:30 p.m. But I want to see them every day. This is the only way.
I tell her she has to work with me after school. If I can't take her somewhere, she has to accept it. If I need her to come with me, she has to come. Otherwise, I can't pick her up after school.
She says she doesn't want me to pick her up.
Which isn't what I want to hear.
She says she wants to see me every day, but if she wants something and I tell her no, she gets mad and she can't stop herself.
Now we're at the psychologist's office and she's in talking to her and I just feel dead inside.
This lady has been her psychologist for five years, but now it feels like she works for XW -- not for us.
Plus, one of her partners was seeing XW for depression in 2008 so there's some file in here about me.
This just [censored]. I don't know if she's going to ask me to come in and talk. I am just not in the right mind set after what just happened. 95 percent of the time I feel like I am doing very well with D9. 5 percent of the time I feel so lost and it's usually because I have a deadline, I have to be somewhere and can't be as patient as D9 needs me to be.
But I don't want to tell this lady that. I don't want to tell her anything that could get back to XW as weakness. I didn't want to be a single parent dealing with an ADHD child. I don't want XW to have the satisfaction that I'm struggling.
I feel utterly defeated.
XW just called and I didn't pick up. I just do not want to hear her voice right now. Her old therapist walked by as well. Such fun.
You need to talk to ex about scheduling appointments. Voldemort always calls me before booking or right after and is willing to change it if it conflicts. No last minute bookings unless absolutely necessary. You've got a right to be pissed!
What thing you can do is stop letting her go to her Mom's when she isn't happy. Your time with them is your time.
I get that you want to see them both every day. Parents should want that. However, you just told her do this or this is her only option. She picked opposite of what you wanted. Give her a few days of after school care and by then she may have worked it out for herself. This might also give you a well deserved break. Then you may might find yourself not getting so upset with her.
Give yourself a break. You are a great dad.
kat
CTH- you are doing great. All single parents have it rough and dealing with the ADHD on top of being single is extra work. You are doing great and you are very involved. Think about following through with D9. If she doesn't want to come over everyday, she may want to hang out with her friends, which is nothing against you, it is just more kids to hang out with. She may like going a couple days a week and have the other days to spend with you.
She loves you very much, and she knows you love her.
Rest of the night went well. No more incidents. I was just drained. Morning went good. Got them off to school.
Unfortunately, today is the annual IEP meeting. I don't really want to see XW today, especially after yesterday, but I'm not going to miss it.
Trying to work in a business mixer tonight with the growth group and then rest. Weekend is busy. Cover football game for paper, final softball tournament, round of golf for newsroom tourney, Smores night with growth group.
Lots, lots to do at work too. Set up another meeting on possible next careers. It's Sept. 16 with the head of the economic development council here. This is a place I would like to work so it'll be a more "to the point" meeting. I'll basically tell the executive director I'm looking to get out of newspapers, would like to work for her so what do I need to do to be able to make that happen.
CTH,
Lots, lots to do at work too. Set up another meeting on possible next careers. It's Sept. 16 with the head of the economic development council here. This is a place I would like to work so it'll be a more "to the point" meeting. I'll basically tell the executive director I'm looking to get out of newspapers, would like to work for her so what do I need to do to be able to make that happen.
THIS ^^^^^^ is not waiting on something great to happen!!
Good job. Proud of you, man.
On the career, I'm pushing hard. In terms of meeting someone, I'm letting that happen when it happens. So when I say something great is going to happen to me, I mean someday someone great is going to come into my life.
IEP meeting was fine. Still had anxiety driving there. I was trying to think of meetings with coworkers I didn't like but I had to fake it.
I was stiff at first, but once we start talking about D9 I have a lot of opinions. I mixed in there that if she has another bad year, we need to discuss holding her back. Her lack of social skills just exacerbates the ADHD problems.
It looks as if XW has lost a little weight. She was gaining at a frightening pace, but the girls have said she is shopping much smarter now.
I was going to compliment her, but A) the right moment didn't come up and B) it's probably not my place anymore.
D12 took the bus to my house and I met her there. Homework today was writing -- how to recognize when a story needs more detail and when it has too much fluff.
That is right up my alley.
Good restraint on not complimenting her on her weight loss! In my experience, any comment on a woman's weight, positive or negative, never leads to anywhere good! If it's your ex then you might as well fall on a grenade lol. When a woman says "I think I'm fat" you excuse yourself to the washroom ASAP! My new friend said to me recently "I think I need to gain weight" I went into shock, I've never heard that one before. I did the wise thing and said nothing and was able to walk away unscathed! So, CTH never ever go there.
CTH,
In terms of meeting someone, I'm letting that happen when it happens. So when I say something great is going to happen to me, I mean someday someone great is going to come into my life.
And while that will certainly be wonderful when it happens ...
My personal opinion is that you still base a lot of your self-esteem on the woman you are with. More than once you've said, "X was beautiful, my first girlfriend was ...."
One of the counter-intuitive parts of DB is that the more you are OK with yourself - the more attractive you are to others.
I don't disagree. It's something I'm working on. I've figured out the XW was a trophy wife. I was so proud to be married to her because of how she looked. I guess I figured I could work around the rest.
Funny thing, one of my best friends in high school was the guy who got all the girls. Prom/home coming king who dated all of the hottest babes.
I sooooooooooooo envied him.
His life took a detour in college. He partied too much, flunked out and went to work for his dad, putting in drainage systems at sports fields.
He was working up in Michigan where he met his future wife. I love her. She's extremely smart, extremely funny, just a perfect personality.
She's no beauty though. I always figured he'd marry a beauty queen.
Instead I did. Now I'm divorced and they appear to be going strong, 16 years married now. She made him move away from here because he spent too much time partying with his hard-drinking high school buddies.
Sigh ...
CTH,
Great insight. Think about what it means about how you treat, view and value people.
What do you think it meant throughout your M, what it continues to mean to how you treat, view, and value XW, and MOST important, what it means about how you treat, view, and value your daughters, especially the one whose weight concerns you?
Entourage finale on HBO was interesting. EVERYTHING worked out. The movie star convinces the skeptical journalist to marry him and fly to Paris. The buddy who lost his fiance because he wouldn't sign a prenuptial agreement gets her back because she's pregnant and his friends convince her that love conquers all. And the super agent in the middle of a divorce just walks away from his career and wins his wife back with a speech and a band.
Really? This is how life works isn't it.
Really? This is how life works isn't it.
It worked for me...all except the part about getting my wife back otherwise it went like clockwork! lol
Little bit of a downer yesterday. D12 was going on and on about her fun weekend with her friend at XW's and I felt a little bitter.
Then I realized this might be feeling XW gets after the girls come back from the several fun weekends we've had. XW complains to the girls about me being the "fun" parent.
Checked Cupid.com for the first time in months. I'd forgotten about it. There was a cute someone from a town north of me who had checked my profile so I sent a message. She responded an hour later, we exchanged a few messages. Who knows if it'll continue. I'll send one in a couple of days.
That was enough to lift my mood.
D12 is going to have tons of scheduling stuff. She's in the school play and her Christian theater play as well. She's at school today until 6 p.m. I send XW a text asking if she'll be by to pick D9 up before getting D12 since I have to be somewhere by 6:15 p.m.
She responds that she didn't know about rehearsal.
??
It has been a very busy few days and I have lots to do. At times I feel exhausted and others I feel like I'm beating back the blues with all of the activities.
Not sure what to make of my feelings.
It looks like D9 had an awful day at school. The school was able to reach XW and fill her in. Me? I just picked D9 up at her normal time. D9 filled me in on the day and we worked on a puzzle until XW picked her up.
The school already says its running out of ideas on how to handle D9. It's going to be a very interesting year.
It's the school's responsibility to 'handle' her. She falls under 'no child left behind'. If she is not being a danger to herself or her classmates then they have to find a solution.
I know you balk at this, but I'm going to say it again anyway because I'm seriously concerned for your daughter. I can tell you from experience that schools will do the bare minimum to accommodate a 'problem child'. If your individual school is not equipped to handle your D9's specific situation, maybe another school in the county is. I was just fortunate that the best schools in our county (and actually in the state of GA) for kids on the spectrum are the schools we live in the area for. Even given that it took a lot of pushing and going higher up the food chain to get him re-evaluated and re-classified. Until he was in 5th grade they had him labeled ADHD, OCD, and PDD. Not until I pushed harder did they do a more thorough eval (and this was also after he had been seeing a therapist for 3 years) and the county psychologist finally discovered he actually has Asperger's. It is SO mild that they hadn't been able to determine it earlier. That key word, Asperger's, opened so many doors that had been closed to us prior to that.
Forget about who should have the responsibility, she wants this, I want that mentality. You both want the best for your D9. That is all that matters. No animosity between the two of you overshadows that.
Call the county psychologist. I'm sure there is a listing on the school website for who that is and how to get in touch with them. You are entitled to request a full evaluation at any time if you feel your child is not getting all the services she may need. Federal funds are provided to schools that meet AYP specifically for these uses. You are a taxpayer! You already paid for the service....USE IT!
Please, please, please. I'm begging for your D9's sake. You are your child's only advocate. Speak up for her.
The suggestion I made to XW last night was to ask the school to get a teacher involved from D9's old school. She was specially trained to deal with students like D9 and by far did the best with her. I want the current school to get her input.
I am going to be patient. I don't have the feeling that they aren't trying. And, not to blow my own horn, if we get that feeling there will be consequences. I am personally friends with five of the seven school board members. I am on a first name basis with the superintendent and I went to school with two of the office staffers.
She will not fall through the cracks.
Still, this is a boundary issue. XW is the custodial parent and she WANTS this responsibility. I never realized until after it was too late just how much she always wanted this responsibility, and when I would "take care" of things for her it really just chipped away at her self esteem.
I see myself now as the closer. If XW is unhappy with what's going on and asks me to step in then I will. She will ask if she's not getting satisfaction. I am not afraid of that.
Deep down, I'd still like to hold D9 back a year. I don't know how to do it if she keeps muddling by. If she has a year where she just doesn't make progress then perhaps I can convince everyone that's the direction to go. I planted the seed in our first IEP meeting.
Side note, anyone tried Cupid.com? I forgot I signed up for it, checked it out this weekend, saw that a women who looks cute checked out my profile, messaged her Sunday and she responded. Monday, she responded again. She's the financial manager of a large nonprofit in town and went to the same college I went to.
Still, financially, I'm still not ready for dating. I'm still just keeping myself above water. It's just fun to message back and forth.
OK. Back to writing a story about banking. I'm really bored of this job.
Yes, I've met some dates on ok cupid. My first boyfriend after the divorce was actually from Plentyoffish, but I like the selection of people better on OKC (they seem smarter and hipper?).
I dated a couple of very nice men from OKC.
If dating is financially problematic for you, that doesn't have to be a deal-breaker, at least for the right woman. One guy I dated was very up front on his profile (not necessarily a good idea for you, btw) about the fact that he was working hard to save for school. For me, if a guy is clear about his finances (i.e. I am working hard to pay off debt from my divorce and therefore watching my expenses) AND puts the effort out to make fun no-cost or low-cost dates, I would be very impressed with that.
I had one boyfriend in college who was flat broke but won me over by riding the bus 2 hours to visit me and bringing me a flower he picked from someone's yard on the way. A picnic can be a very romantic date. It matters more to me that a guy puts THOUGHT into the date, rather than money. Be creative.
I agree with kml and mishka.
With mishka, I think also it is very important to have D9 get a full re-evaluation. The tantrums she has and melt downs seems to me (and I could be wrong), but seems with the extra ones that there may be something else also affecting her behavior, which if diagnosed can lead you to good therapy ideas to help her and you. Some of the issues don't show up until later in life so it is always good to get that checked again. I know XW wants to be in charge, but it is ok for you to suggest some ideas and express your concerns as well. Maybe keep a journal of when she blows up at school or home when she is with you and see if you can find similarities or causes. It is so important to help her now, and just holding her back won't help. She needs some direct support on social interactions, which will just help her more later. Holding her back could help with the academics, but negatively impact her behavior. I say ask for a full re-evaluation and see where that leads.
With kml, a date doesn't have to be expensive. I know the dates I remember most are ones like going on a picnic or walking through the park and getting some ice cream (or with the colder weather a coffee) that could cost less than $10 and be a lot more fun. Try to think out of the box and creatively because the money shouldn't stop you from finding a new friend, and even a possible new relationship because you deserve it.
At the IEP meeting, they already talked about getting her re-evaluated. The last time was first grade.
Really, the best journal I have is this site. I've pretty much documented all of the major happenings here since September 2009.
I disagree that holding her back won't help. There is a definite age bias here and in the world. The fact that D9 is a July 29 baby, making her almost always the youngest in her class, is a disadvantage she is going to face her entire life.
I've made copies of the first chapter of the book Outliers to give to XW and the social workers if D9 hasn't made progress by mid year.
D9 has always gravitated toward younger kids. Her best friends are in second and third grade. She is in fourth. It's always been that way. The girls in her class are into boys and makeup and D9 is still into dolls and Pokemon.
On the date thing, we're getting ahead of ourselves. I don't have one yet. I'm not close to asking yet. I'm just happy right now exchanging messages. I was getting a little frustrated with Match.com. It's nice to have some interest.
Journaling. Last night was my night with the girls, but there was lots of back and forth with XW over scheduling Friday.
It's my weekend, but I can make extra money working at a football game. D12 can go with XW to theater, but D9 wanted to stay at a friend's house. That friend, though, is having D9 over Saturday for a birthday party/sleepover. Her mom needs to clean and can't have D9 over.
So D9 asked to go to another friend's place for the night. That mom said yes. I let XW know because I know she doesn't really like this friend of D9's or where she lives.
So XW calls and doesn't really want her going there. I just listened and explained the situation and XW decides D9 can play there for a couple of hours, but she'll pick her up and take her with to theater as well even though she's not in the play.
Then, when I'm done with the game, I can pick them up, even if it's 11 p.m.
D9 is happy with that and I get to do the game and all is well.
Later, D9 finishes her homework and wants to call XW. I give her the phone and she goes outside. Ten minutes later, voila, here is XW at my house. D9 asked her to come over because she felt sick.
She never said this to me. It's probably just a ploy to get XW and I in the same room. XW takes D9's temp -- normal. She stays for about 30 minutes. I just laid down on the couch watching them and talking to D12. Then she headed home.
On the money front, I recruited a friend of mine to do a product endorsement video for my sister's company. I was "the face" for the video. I just did the driving and the talking and my friend did the recording and editing. My sister's happy and she's sending $500 for the video. $400 for my friend and $100 for me.
Every little bit helps.
You know, you should speak with your wife about how she handled that. The APPROPRIATE response to a phone call like that would have been "Honey, let me talk to your daddy" OR a call directly to you to say "D9 tells me she's sick, have you checked her?"
It's a bad precedent I think to let D9 think she can just call one of you over to the other's house any time she wants - I wouldn't let the manipulation go on.
Perhaps. That's just not a conversation I'm prepared to have right now. I still don't want to have a "divorce rules" talk. Too fresh.
Right now, we live so close D9 does a lot of going back and forth. Eventually, they'll move and then there will be more separation.
So here's the question. I've felt much happier, much lighter, like a weight has been lifted.
If I'm really honest it's because someone interesting has been messaging back and forth through OK Cupid.
I know that's my need for validation, but still just the little connection feels good.
Is that bad?
Perfectly normal! We all like to feel appreciated (especially after our spouses tromp on us) plus that little dopamine rush of flirtation/infatuation does feel darn good
After a couple more messages it turns out the OK Cupid contact knows a former coworker of mine. That's good. I really liked the guy and it gave us more to talk about.
So this morning I asked her if she'd like to meet for lunch.
So we'll see.
Hmmmm. Had the latest meeting in my "what profession to do next" tour. Met with the head of the economic development council and she said the hole in my resume, if I was applying there, is in grant writing.
So that's something to research. Do I just take a class or are there certification courses?
OK Cupid contact said yes. Wednesday or Thursday work best for her. Excited to have something different on my calendar.
Yay! Hope she turns out to look like her pictures!
(Actually, I must say, that despite the horror stories people have told me about women weighing fifty pounds more or guys being 4 inches shorter or 20 years older - ALL the guys I dated from OKC looked just like their pics - most actually even cuter in person - and they all thought I looked great.
)
She gave me enough clues that I figured out her last name and found her on Facebook where she had more photos. She's cute.
Fingers crossed. I'm not looking for the next Mrs. CTH. I'm looking for someone to go with to social events, dinners, movies.
She has two kids, one is ADD, similar in age and the same off weekends.
Funny. Little energy today. The girls are here this weekend but both are at overnight birthday parties. A couple of coworkers are coming over to watch a boxing match and I may go out later.
Or I might not. I'm tired for some reason.
Journaling:
Getting girls ready for school and out of the blue XW comes over. D9 has dance class tonight so she brings by her bag and discusses the schedule.
This couldn't have been handled by text or email?
D9 ends up getting a stomach bug so XW calls and asks if I can pick her up. Yes. She says she'll be over at 12:15 p.m. to pick her up. I know better. She's rarely on time. Sure enough it's 1 p.m. before she gets here.
Sigh. I'd call her on it, but she'd just retaliate by turning down switches when I need to work at one of the part-time jobs.
Low key Sunday. Girls watched a lot of TV. Once they went to sleep I was messaging one lady on Facebook. We might get drinks on Thursday. She's the one separated from an old classmate so this is purely for something to do on a Thursday. Plus, I'm curious to see her up close.
Thursday noon lunch date is still on.
I've also been exchanging messages with another lady from a town 30 minutes from here.
OK Cupid has worked a lot better for me.
Well, time to get back to work.
CTH,
This is the one thing to keep in mind: ALMOST ALL Rs don't work out, that's why we date :-)
Given that, keep your eyes open, what works for you? what doesn't?
OK, fine, I married the first guy I really dated after D. But, ALMOST ALL dating Rs don't work out. And, I think having that in mind let me be detached enough for real intimacy to grow.
When you grok while real intimacy requires detachment, you will be a tremendous guy.
I would put a more positive spin on that idea - almost all dating relationships don't lead to MARRIAGE. That doesn't mean they aren't good or even perfect for what you need at the time.
I would say, the three men I've dated before the current guy (after my divorce) were all perfect for what I needed at the time, even if I didn't always recognize it at the time! And they are all three of them good friends and big fans of mine still, despite the varied circumstances that kept us from being appropriate for a long-term relationship. Be open to the possibilities.
I am open to anything. I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself.
Crazy night last night. Went to a seminar on credit restoration. Company will lift your credit score for just $99 a month. SCAM.
Marriage rebuilders class. Led the discussion at a table. Think I did OK. I pushed a couple of people to go further. The guy at the table is a mess. He's more honest than I am. There are still things I won't admit that he readily talked about.
Then to the developer's office, the one I'm recording his autobiography. That was funny. We worked on the book for two hours and then spent the last three talking divorce, kids. At one point, I'm helping this guy worth at least $100 million clean out his Match.com. He didn't know you could eliminate profiles so they won't come up again or how to see who has viewed him.
I mentioned my XW is on there so he made me call up her bio and eliminate it so he never made the mistake of contacting her. She's added a couple more pictures from her South Dakota trip last year. They looked good.
A bizarre night.
Lunch date is tomorrow and I really need to calm myself down. Back in December, when I went out with that lady from a city 30 minutes north of here, I knew there was no long term future. I wasn't going to move up there so I just went for fun and had a great time.
Now, I'm nervous. I want to make a good impression. I want a second date. I haven't even met her. I feel like I'm in high school again.
Sigh... Message this morning from OKC (OKCupid girl). She said she had to pick her sick son up from school and she had to reschedule.
This reminded me of my December fling. We were going to go out to dinner. She messaged me that morning claiming a family thing. We were going to reschedule then she fessed up, she'd starting dating someone.
Of course, a month later she got back in touch with me, it wasn't working out with the other guy, we did go out, she turned out crazy and ...
OKC and I have rescheduled for next Thursday though so I still think the date will happen.
Still, I feel like a lot of air was let out of my balloon -- so to speak.
Here's the exchange. Do you think I sound too eager.
OKC: I hate to do this, but I just got a call from the school and my son is sick. I have to go pick him up since his dad can't. Can we reschedule??
CTH: I am disappointed, but I understand. I am usually the one who has to pick up the girls when they are sick. I hope he hasn't caught something too serious.
Definitely I'd like to reschedule. I'm really looking forward to meeting you. Do you want to just push it until next Thursday or would a day earlier in the week work better?
OKC: Sorry again, but thanks for understanding.
Next Thursday works for me. Same time and place?
CTH: I am disappointed, but No problem, I understand! I am usually the one who has to pick up the girls when they are sick. I hope he hasn't caught something too serious.
Definitely I'd like to reschedule. I'm really looking forward to meeting you. Do you want to just push it until next Thursday or would a day earlier in the week work better?
OKC: Sorry again, but thanks for understanding.
Next Thursday works for me. Same time and place?
But then those would be my words, not yours.
Insanely busy Friday but then a much slower Saturday and Sunday. Rest, catch up on projects, catch up on work. The next three weekends are all jam packed.
Last night D9 called me before going to bed to apologize for the meltdown on Wednesday. The funny thing is that I've gotten so used to these incidents that I couldn't remember what happened on Wednesday.
XW called at 7 p.m. because D12 wasn't at my house waiting for her to pick her up. She got bored and went to a neighbor's house. She wasn't supposed to do that, but XW was supposed to pick her up at 5:45. She was an hour late getting both girls.
When she called though I didn't say anything. Not a battle I needed to pick at that time.
Trying not to stress about lunch date being pushed back a week. OKC and I were messaging back and forth three, four times a day, now she's cut back to responding once a day.
She could be backing off or just extremely busy. She said she has tons of family coming over Saturday and Sunday for a birthday party then baby shower.
A friend of mine asked me if I had her number yet. I said no, I was going to ask for it at lunch. I thought that was a reasonable progression.
As long as date eventually happens I'll be fine. I just want to get back into practice. Looking back, it's always been once I got the date then it was good. I never dated a lot, when I did, it usually lasted several months.
But that was pre-Internet. Who knows now?
I read a chapter on online dating in Mark Penn's Micro Trends. In the latest survey, 2009, 17 percent of the marriages taking place that year were couples who met online. That was the same percentage as those who met in church.
I thought that was interesting. I still know people who look at me funny when I mention it, but really it's all about expanding your opportunity pool. OKC works in a different part of town. Lives in a city 20 minutes away. Her kids go to different schools. I used to work with her uncle, but he retired five years ago and I haven't seen him in at least two, so it's doubtful he even knows I'm divorced now.
The likelihood of us meeting without OKC was extremely low.
So it's all good.
Remember, though, it's not a date - just a meeting. No matter how much you like someone when you are chatting online and looking at their photo, you really can't know much until you meet in real life. You might not like their smell, their tics, their voice - a million things. So don't put too much pressure on the first meet - it's just an opportunity to see if you ARE attracted enough to go out.
And in the same vein - don't put all your eggs in one basket. That's one of the oddities about online dating, by its very nature you have several lines in the water at once. She might like you but then before you meet she has lunch with some other guy who has also been writing to her and they hit it off - happens all the time. It's no harm, no foul in online dating - you just have to expect stuff like that to happen. SO make sure you are still at least looking around.
I agree. The chapter on Internet Marrieds in Micro Trends said the married couples that did meet online averaged 10 dates with different people until they found the "one."
Now, that might be a little inflated because Internet dating is more popular as you get into the bigger cities. Still, the likelihood is that OKC is not "the one."
Yes. Perhaps I should recategorize it as a meeting.
Worked a football game last night and then met a couple of friends for drinks. Both are very new friends from this summer and they started dating. They were with a group of coworker's from the guy's job.
They wanted to introduce me to one of them. She is a huge sports fan but also very shy and plain looking. I was nice to her but I didn't feel any spark. Still, it was fun to talk Duke (her team) vs. Kentucky (my team) and his coworker's are crazy. They were mixing vodka, whisky, energy drinks, drinking wine.
They all work for the biggest hospital system in town and like to blow their money.
I alternated between beer and water (not feeling great) and watched the action.
Good weekend. Made it out with one set of friends Friday. Made it out with another on Saturday. Had too much to drink though -- first time in a while I did that.
Sunday I was pretty wiped out and just laid around -- except for taking D9 to church in the morning. She called me and asked if she could go so it was bonus time.
Thursday meeting with OKC is still on. The friends I was out with on Saturday called up the site on their phone so they could see her picture. It was fun.
Weird XW thoughts still pop up each day, but I'm not obsessing nearly as much. Likely, that's the diversion of OKC, but hey it buys more healing time.
Right now, my biggest concern is staying on task with all of the various projects -- books, blogs, regular job and cleaning.
The date/meeting went OK. We're going to do lunch again in a couple of weeks then try to do a regular date. Life is complicated with kids. She has hers Saturday through Tuesday night. She has Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays off.
I have my girls every Wednesday and work lots of Fridays.
It was awkward. She seemed really apprehensive. Her divorce was fast. Filed last June. Done in January. Her deal was he was never around. He always worked second shift and they never saw each other. I got her to laugh a few times.
We'll see. It felt good to get it out of the way.
Yup, that's what dating is all about, getting it over with
Journaling
XW is in Texas for a work thing this week so I've had the girls all week. D9's issues at school boiled over and we had a special meeting Tuesday and decided to put her back in special ed. She's just not socially, mentally ready for the regular class.
As soon as she got back into a class with far fewer kids and less time constraints, she calmed down. She's WANTED to go to school past two days.
D12 is having boy issues -- she had a boyfriend, found out it wasn't as great as she thought it would be. She wants one of the "cute" guys. Oh the drama.
Had to talk to XW a couple of times about all of this.
Some down moments. Girls are now used to life where they spend most of time with XW. They miss her. That hurts a little, but I'm comforted by the fact that all of the research shows a girl's self-confidence is derived from her relationship with her dad.
They are only with me 45 percent of the time, but I matter.
Couple twinges of pain. D9 wanted to go to a dress store after school yesterday. She likes trying them on. She told the lady she wants to look for when her mom gets remarried because she's sure she'll be in the wedding. That hurts. Also, D12 has been talking more about how to get in shape. She says XW is doing the workout videos that helped her get down to a size 4 after D9 was born. She looked awesome. I told D12 that those tapes work, but if she doesn't want to do them fine, just figure out something else. Still, the reverie of how good XW looked then stuck in my mind.
Messaging with OKC has dropped way, way off. I'm going to see if she'd like to do lunch again next week. If yes, keep going, if no, move on.
Running race this weekend, but they only need us one day, Sunday. That's bad. I needed the full $350 for my auto insurance. Money issues are mounting.
Match.com subscription ran out. I'm going to reup, if for anything else just out of habit. It's nice to go on there each day and look around.
I'll wait until Friday though.
I think overall I'm just impatient. Money issues will be easier by February, March. I'll be able to wipe out some bills. I just keep wanting something to happen. It's hard to just be still. I'm better at it. But it's hard.
Yes. My brain is swirling when it comes to that. I've had six serious relationships in my life. All were beautiful. All were very smart except for XW. Looking back, it's not like I said to myself, "this one, she's the keeper. She's everything I want."
It really was more of a we were going out, she's beautiful which fed my vanity, I'm in my mid-20s and felt it was time, she's nice, and I thought I could make the issues work.
Having the girls around so much this week is a struggle because XW comes up constantly. Either through something they are doing, some other memory or the phone rings and she's calling to talk to them.
I sent OKC a message today through Facebook about lunch next week, she responded within minutes, and we're going to try to set something up. If that works well, I think I'll actually CALL her to set up a real date. The modern progression.
Funny thing on the Match subscription, now that it's run out all of the people I clicked to not see again are back. So I went through my mutual matches and voila, XW is a 98 percent match. That being said, when you look at reverse match, she's not in my top 15 pages, so according to Match, she's not looking for someone like me. That makes sense.
She's changed photos. The one she picked looked better. By clicking on it, of course she'll see that I've looked at her profile. Oh well.
Last thing about having girls over so much. They are always coming up with reasons to go to the house. Over there tonight and notice a stack of bills. Yes. I went through them. She's falling into a big hole. That isn't surprising. She buried me in debt before we broke up. Letter next to the bills -- worksheet on Chapter 13 bankruptcy.
Unfortunately, I felt a sense of peace after reading it. Grass isn't greener. I then felt bad for feeling good.
I really hate to be over there.
CTH, going over your past and why you married who you married is a nice exercise periodically but keep in mind that just as the WAS re-writes history, so do we. You will never be able to go over that history in an objective manner, never! Hey, you loved her, you married her and life did what it sometimes does. End of story! The person we marry is never the same person who left us, betrayed us etc. They change, just as we all do. We all try to figure it out so we won't make the same mistakes again but, on the whole, it's pretty much a limited value exercise. You did what you did because that's what you needed at the time. Now, you are someone different. Figure out who you are and what you need now...and beauty is nice but keep in mind that it is often a curse too as it can blind us from seeing things of greater importance, good and bad, in the other person. Just keep that in mind while you search.
I'm so relieved for your D that you were able to have her put into special education. That more individualized approach can only benefit her.
Ok....my own little 2x4 here....did I read that correctly? You were at your XW's house picking up something the girls had left there while she is out of town and SNOOPED through her mail? You don't consider that a major invasion of privacy? How would you feel about her doing the same thing? Before you do anything, shouldn't your though always be "how would I feel on the receiving end of this action?"?
As an example, when XH and I were still M'd, I would always just open all the mail regardless of who's name was on it. It didn't matter, we were married. Now, we are D'd but live together, we have a R, but I would never dream of doing anything other than moving his mail from one counter to another. Never, ever would I look at it if it were open or open it for him. NO WAY. Major invasion.
Some of the most beautiful (externally) people I have ever met have been the most shallow, uncaring, snotty people! They rely on their looks to move them through life and don't have to work at being a worthy human being. Physical attraction is definitely imperative, but it's what is on the inside that melts our hearts and causes love to grow. If that weren't the case there would be a lot of lonely people in the world!
I never opend my ex's mail when we were married. Maybe I was too trusting then but if my name wasn't on it, I didn't open it.
I so agree with Mish. Alot of the "beautiful" people are lacking in character. Looks fade my friend, internal beauty usually grows. I am not a knock out by any means but I will say that the guys that only chased after the hot chicks were never of interest to me. You might want to think about why that matters to you so much.
kat
I actually didn't open the mail. It was a stack of bills sitting there. That's not really a defense though.
One of the things that hangs out in the back of my head comes from MWD's first book. I think she had in there that 75 percent of the WASs, after five years, wish they'd stuck it out because the grass isn't greener. So I guess that's what I keep trying to figure out -- if that realization is hitting her. It shouldn't matter. Maybe someday it won't matter.
The house remains an issue in my brain. For a long time, I didn't want her to sell because in my head I felt that would be it. Now, I want her to sell. I don't want to go over there and be flooded with those memories.
Of course, the girls want to stay. XW keeps taking them to open houses and they are much smaller and they give her brave faces, but really they don't want to move. Would you?
And these are houses she's looking to buy. If the house does sell, it'll be a short sale, and if she does file Chapter 13, the combination of those things will make her credit so bad the best she'll be able to do is rent. Then the pets likely have to go to grandma's.
That's all down the road though. Those are things she'll have to learn, and unfortunately will have to drag the girls through.
Today's road is fairly clear. Find a way to get through the winter as cheaply as possible. When February and March roll around, I should be on much more solid footing financially.
I exchanged some Facebook messages with OKC this morning. On Monday, when I'm back from Chicago I'll try to nail down a second lunch date and go from there.
I still haven't reupped on Match and I may wait a few more weeks. I might as well let the OKC thing play itself out.
I would encourage you to stop wasting so much emotional energy on your ex. I think you will find that you would have a lot more to spend on yourself and your daughters.
My sister used to read this site and she said it appeared as if money was a big trigger for me. When I was feeling OK financially, I was OK overall.
The next two months are going to be tight and I'm feeling on edge. When I'm struggling with money I then worry I can't really find anyone anyway, then I get upset with being in this situation ...
It's just a tough domino effect.
In Chicago right now waiting to work the Chicago marathon. Usually, we work two days and make $350. They only asked us to work one day and will make $200. I was hoping for the full $350. My car insurance is due so things are tight.
I have some projects I can work on to help that out, but I won't get paid for them until February and March.
I found by paying my car insurance monthly it really helped. We did this several years ago. Nothing worse than a big insurance bill due the same month as car tags and taxes. Sure may have to pay a dollar a month extra for processing but the smaller payments are worth it.
Kat
You pay more by paying monthly. I'll find a way through. Marathon was tiring - 17 hour work day, although you spend 4 hours sitting around waiting for the runners to pass by. But it's over.
Going to CALL OKC and ask to do lunch. Asking by message -- now that I have her number -- seems wimpish.
Funny, the guy I spent most of the day working with yesterday was an older guy like me. He got divorced three years ago. Grass is greener thing. According to him, everything revolved her schedule, her wants, her needs and in the end she still didn't want to be married to him.
So they divorced. About 1 1/2 later he started dating a lady. They dated a year and got married. He has two kids, 7 and 9, and he says they love the new wife.
Again, it all takes time.
Journaling
Another rough turn with D9 yesterday. I met with the after school program leader to see what the rules will be for D9 to stay in the program.
We had it all worked out. All D9 had to do was promise she wouldn't "run off" again or be physically aggressive towards the staff.
We didn't even get to the physically aggressive stuff. She refused to even say she wouldn't run off again. She was focused on one of the staffers, saying it was his fault and they should run the program differently ...
Eventually she marched out.
Wow.
So now she is going to get bused daily to a private daycare and watch TV after school with a bunch of 3 year olds. It's the only other option. I can't/not willing to go home every day at 3 p.m.
XW and I agreed we'll have to get tougher when she acts out or refuses to work with us. She was threatening not to ride the bus home, not to come to school.
I took her home and had her for an hour and she couldn't use any electronics. She had to do her homework or read. She did neither. She sat on the couch and stewed.
Later, when she was with XW, she called to apologize.
D12 has a bunch of theater stuff and I'm letting her stay at XW's tonight (my night) and Friday night (my night) because it makes no sense for me to drive her to and from the theater when XW is already going to be there as part of the costume committee.
It also limits my contact with XW. The less I see her the better. I already have to see her for a school meeting next Monday. She's taken to just stopping by lately. Yesterday, she came over at 8:10 a.m. to drop off D12's costume. Today, she came at 8:15 a.m. to drop off D12's makeup. I have to take D12 to the theater.
I worked out Saturday, worked a 17-hour day at the marathon Sunday and worked out again Tuesday morning ... so I think I'm looking good. I've been doing this weightlifting class for nearly a year and it's working for me.
XW looked stressed.
Work is going well. I'm getting some good stories done. More focused. Have some big projects going as well.
OKC and I are supposed to go to lunch tomorrow, although she has a work issue that might force us to postpone. We'll see. Now messaging another lady through Plentyoffish. It's enough to keep my mind occupied.
Coworker is going to lend me the money to file bankruptcy. I'll pay him back $25 a paycheck until spring when I redo my 401(k) loan to eliminate a ton of bills.
My sister and I worked out an agreement on the blog I'm writing for her. She prepaid by $1,050 in the summer. Now, instead of just not paying until I work that amount off, she wants to pay me a little and have me cut into the debt a bit each month. She's looking at her budget. I'm not sure why it isn't better for her not to pay me until I've worked the $1,050 off. I could use the money right now. We worked it out.
She's stressed because she put $16,000 into developing a better web site last winter and the people she hired didn't do what she wanted. Being a business writer, I know people here that I can vouch for that can do the job she wants. So I'm connecting her with them. If it all works out, she'll do better and I'll do better and I'll have gotten my friends some work.
She's taken to just stopping by lately. Yesterday, she came over at 8:10 a.m. to drop off D12's costume. Today, she came at 8:15 a.m. to drop off D12's makeup.
It's only common courtesy to call or text before you just stop by ANYONE'S house but in particular, an exe's.
And I don't think in any way that would be an unreasonable request for you to make.
Jeez, XW came over again. This, after hearing D9 tell me that "mom says you don't pay for anything."
Twice, I'd sent her texts saying to just keep D12. It made no sense for her to come over here. She just showed up anyway.
The money thing frosts me. Let's see, there's the $11,000 in child support and insurance. There's the five weeks in the summer where I have them or pay for summer camp.
There's the every day gas costs of picking up D9 from school. There's the meals I make every day for both girls after school.
There's the costs of leaving work early to take them to camp.
She also forgets that I borrowed money from my 401(k) to pay off her car. So I struggle with a car loan while she tools around payment free.
Really, after you factor in child support, her paycheck each two weeks is $2,100. Mine is $900.
Rant over.
Good to rant here and not to her though.
Well Mishka, I ended up ranting to her. I stewed about it for a while and then thought that this is the kind of thing that killed the marriage. I'd hear something or she'd say or do something and I'd just stuff it inside. She would to. Then when something else went wrong or there was stress it would all just come out.
So I sent her an email saying basically she can't complain about me not paying for things when she didn't ask. She didn't ask me to chip in on dance lessons or the theater stuff.
And I reminded her that I paid thousands of dollars in interest on credit cards that were 100 percent her debt, but she was able to walk away from, as well as all of the final legal expenses.
I haven't checked that email address to see if she responded. But I'm not going to let these things go anymore.
Today was a banner day. D9 just gets worse and worse. Today, school called and said she's been out of control for two hours and I need to pick her up.
I got there and she was happy because she was getting what she wanted -- to go home. Then I remind her that XW decided that if got to the point where she had to leave school then there would be no electronics -- no TV, no Wii, no DS, no computer.
So then suddenly she wanted to stay at school. The principal said no. After a meltdown that long and that much effort to control her, she had to leave.
So it started all over again. I was there 90 minutes. At one point, she started saying she'd kill herself if she left school. So the school called the police and I had to talk to them and they ordered me to take her for a psych evaluation.
XW, who was at the theater with D12, met us at the hospital where we spent three hours together.
God I was a jumbled mess inside. D9 is basically holding everyone hostage. If she doesn't get her way she just keeps upping the ante until she does.
XW and I are supposed to go through this together, but I was just burning inside. I just hated her today.
D9 was fine at the hospital. They had a TV and we couldn't keep her from watching it so she was happy. It was a waste of time and money.
When we left, she knew it was time to serve her punishment so she started all over again, saying outrageously mean things to try to get me to cave. I haven't caved.
She has 24 hours with no electronics and I will keep adding hours when she is disrespectful. It's the disrespect more than anything. She has no respect for anyone.
D12 is staying with XW tonight and XW gave me a funny look when I suggested that. I said it's hard to punish D9 with D12 there because it's such a small house.
Funny, but XW doesn't seem eager to take the kids anymore than she's required to. Made me hate her even more.
Oh man....so sorry. That sounds horrific.
I hate to even say it, but have you considered a more indepth, inpatient psych eval? I know you said she only acts out when she isn't getting what she wants, but being in a psychiatric setting for a few days for deep evaluation wouldn't be what she wants so she may act out enough for them to figure out ways to help.
Remind me, what medication is she on?
I'm so sorry for all you are going through. But be the parent to your daughter (not that you aren't) and be the bigger person with your ex. Someone has to be the hero here.
Hate is like poison that you drink yourself but expect the other person to die.
Anger, hate, unresolved issues - they're killing you. You need to get a grip and not let them finish you. You are still raising children. You need to focus on them. THe divorce and how the 2 most important people in their lives is having a huge toll on your daughter. Both you and she need much more counselling to get through this phase (and it is a phase) and move to the next level. If you can't get control of her at age 9 - let me tell you - the teens will be murder.
I had a happy, loving, well adjusted daughter. Her dad left the week she turned 13. I was left to deal with her outbursts, bad behaviour etc that appeared out of nowhere. He went AWOL. Left it all to me. I spoke to her the other night (10 years later). She was talking about how devestating the divorce was to her. Try to think about your daughter's hurt rather than your own.
And you mention XW's rules about taking away the electronics. First of all - she is spot on in doing this. It is saying "I won't tolerate this bad behaviour". But where are you in this. It should be WE!!!! You and XW - despite your differences - need to co-parent in harmony. YOU need to agree and assist in discipline. (not that you aren't but that statement was telling).
I'm not trying to bash you but your anger here is very evident and there is no room for it right now when your daughter's emotional and physical health are extremely at risk. The parents have to step in and be firm and get this under control right now. Everything else can wait. Because if you don't fix this - nothing else is going to matter.
And how does D12 fit in here. Seems the sun shines on her but maybe that is part of the problem? She is just as affected by it all as D9.
I hope this w/e is better for you. Why not take the girls out and have some fun. And not talk about any of the crap for a while.
Barb
I am so sorry! Remember asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.
Somehow you and XW are going to have to work together. It is going to be hard, but the threats D9 is making whether they are real or to manipulate you are so scary, and I can tell it scares you. Be strong and I know you will do whatever needs to be done.
You are a great dad!
The time without electronics was OUR decision, not XW's. SFO misread that. I actually limit their time in front of the TV more than XW. She's addicted to several shows and the girls get lots of time of vegging. I always take them somewhere on the weekends I have them.
The night went pretty well. D9 read books, we played games. She got through the night.
In the morning, she was upset when I said her 24 hours were up and the disrespect started again. I told her that if she raised her voice or showed more disrespect, I would start adding hours. She took her phone into my room and called her mom. About 15 minutes later she came out OK.
The rest of the morning and early afternoon went well. We played more games. Went to the library. She went with me to work so I could catch up on a couple small things I couldn't do yesterday.
Before you know it, her 24 hours were up. Now she's watching Olivia and setting up the game of life. It was so nice having no TV on that at the library we talked about a 5 hour window every Saturday with no electronics. We either have to go to the health club or library or somewhere.
When D12 gets back we'll talk to her as well.
D9 has another counseling appointment Tuesday night. I am going to focus on the disrespect. That just can't be tolerated anymore. It may mean having to let D12 go to her mom's more often. I don't care. The disrespect has to stop.
XW responded to my email and laid out her financial troubles. This is going to sound shallow. They don't surprise me, but it comforted me. And I feel bad about that.
She is facing bankruptcy and close to being foreclosed on. Back in 2009, I warned her that we didn't make enough between us to maintain our lifestyles without serious, serious cutbacks.
She didn't believe me.
She ran up $9,000 in debt just between May 2009 and February 2010. She shops when she gets depressed and she never saves for the future. It comes from watching her parents. They inherited $100,000 when XW was a little kid and just blew it. There was no money for XW or her sisters to go to college.
She also said in her email that she doesn't ask me to chip in on theater, dance and medical bills because she knows I don't have the money.
I responded that she should ask me to help pay those, the medical bills and after-school care is in the divorce agreement. I will help where/when I can (although now I'm in between second jobs and it's really tight).
I guess it's the "Grass isn't Greener" thing. As the LBS, every once in a while -- especially when finances are tight -- I think she's having this great life and the Grass is Greener. I guess it was comforting to know that isn't the case.
Some day, I hope to be at a point in my life where those feelings disappear. Save the 2x4s saying "you can make it happen." We all know it takes time and I need more of it.
Oops, meant "her 24 hours were NOT up."
CTH: No - I did not read it wrong. Read your post about XW and the control of the electronics. Might have been a typo or a Freudian slip but I still believe you let XW control more of the decisions on behaviour, consequence and discipline when you need a united front. It ties in with the "blaming" of her for what is happening.
I get that. I used to blame x all the time. But the truth is - it did not help things.
I have "been there, done that" and made as many mistakes as anyone else here. Just trying to share some insight from my scars.
Praying things improve for your daughter.
Barb
How to be clear about this.
When we were together we did not put up a united front. I was always very involved and I think that hurt. I think she really wanted to be in total control. That's the way it was with her mom. Her dad was never involved. He was either working or drinking.
So apart, I don't question the decisions made at her house. I wonder, but I don't question because I know she really wants to be in control. It's a major part of her self image, and I always chipped away at it by questioning or challenging.
She continues to question the decisions made at mine, though, but I deal with the girls the way I see best. The positive about being apart is I can deal with them the way I want to. Last week, mostly I just filled her in because I didn't want her accusing me of keeping her out of the loop. But the decisions made were mine.
Really, the electronics decision was my decision. And it worked well. And that's the punishment that'll continue going forward.
I can't compare how I am with D9 anymore to how XW is with her because I don't see it and I don't ask. It doesn't help me.
Funny, last week I had a bad breakout of acne. I wondered what happened. D9 has been into eating fried chicken and I had some with her, and I know that's not good for acne.
But really it's stress and I figured a bunch of stresses came together last week.
Relationship stress. OKC and I were supposed to have lunch. She pushed it back for work reasons and has been texting/communicating a lot less. Deep down I think this R -- if you can call it that -- is going to come to an end before it really got started.
D9 had an awful week, so there was daily stress there. Plus, D12 had her theater stuff so there was daily contact with XW. I felt anxious every day. And I REALLY WANTED to talk to someone about it. I talked with a few friends and my sister. That helped. But I REALLY WANTED to talk with that someone special and I don't have that right now.
Finances. The car insurance was due. I ended up making less than usual at my running races so I find myself a few hundred in the hole. That means really scaling back in October and November and religiously making it to plasma donation.
So all of that hit at once. On Friday, while donating plasma I didn't even try to boost my heart rate. I usually have problems because my heart rate usually is in the 40s. The plasma place requires it be in the 50s. On Friday, while relaxed it was 63. That's how much stress I've been feeling.
The hospital thing. I was just frustrated and angry and the date/finances just added to it. D9 just seems to be spiraling. For the most part, we had a good summer. I did not expect this.
I don't blame XW for D9's condition. I don't blame XW for D9 spiraling. She's trying and I'm trying. I do blame her for the D. That's her decision. At some point, it'll just be a small memory and a small pain, but when things get bad it bubbles back up.
I know long-term that I'll be OK financially. There is light at the end of the tunnel in February and March. I just have to keep my focus and not worry so much about right now. Someone great will walk in to my life.
Another weird thought I was trying to swat away this weekend was the "eventually she'll see the light." Finding out XW is broke and stressed got me drifting in to the thoughts of she'll eventually figure out the Grass Isn't Greener and come back. The "I Do Again" book is hard to get out of my mind.
It was just a really, really bad week. Of course, today I just spent 90 minutes with XW at a meeting with the school about D9. I really look forward to the day when the only time I have to see her is really special occasions like a birthday. It's 10 years or so away, but I can dream.
I raided my change jar and put a bunch of money back in bank. I should get paid by my siser and the running race company this week. So I'll be back to having some reserves. I have money set aside for Christmas. Life marches on.
Sure, it's all part of the brain swirl.
I start to think she'll realize it was better to handle finances and the kids together than it is apart. But then I think how would I really know if she wanted to come back because she missed me or it was too hard being on her own? Would this all just happen again in 10 years when they left for college?
I definitely wouldn't want to go through this again in 10 years. I'm still relatively young right now. But I also can't close the door in my mind either. I've read or heard about relationships that did work out once you cleared away the clutter and hurt of decisions made when you were young and dumb.
The brain is a difficult thing to switch off, especially when lots of things are hitting at once.
The only thing I know for sure is that the sun will come up tomorrow and I'll have to get through it some way or another.
Right now ... I'm just hungry. I forgot to bring lunch to work.
Bonus ... I got my pay from the Chicago Marathon. I figured it would be $200 or $250 since we didn't get asked to work Saturday other than a one-hour meeting to go over logistics.
The check was for $350. We did work 16 hours Sunday. That extra $150 totally brought my stress level down a notch.
I sent the company a thank you. I am really, really hoping to get one more race this year.
I created a chart showing my income vs. expenses for my refrigerator. I definitely need to refocus on my expenses. It seems like I get out of whack every summer and it takes a while to get back into super saving mode.
Weekend is shaping up well. There's a party to go to Saturday. Friends to go out with Friday. Lots of time Saturday and Sunday to catch up on book projects. I may even come in to work to do it. Computers are better. TV is less of a distraction and I can run the stairs several times (7 stories) to stay in shape.
No word on lunch Thursday with OKC. D12 has her school play Thursday and Friday. No calls from the school on D9. XW doesn't like my alternative after school arrangement idea where D12 watches D9 for an hour on days she doesn't have after school activities.
I am going to split cost on daycare BUT I am going to do everything in my power to lessen the days she's in daycare on my weeks. I'll figure something out.
XW just called. She met with a new therapist for D9 and wants to try him. He's cheaper. He uses clay therapy. He has some different ideas. He wants to test D9 for Asbergers. He agrees with me that we should look at holding her back because of her social issues.
So XW is excited. She wants us to meet with him together. I know this is all good. D9 needs a new approach.
And now I'm all conflicted.
If D9 gets better that's good for everyone involved. Honestly, the difficulties over D9 was a MAJOR part of the breakdown of the marriage.
We talked about bills briefly and she said "we're both in a world of hurt right now." She also mentioned someone came and looked at the house, but she doesn't know if they are interested.
And my brain just went flying in all kinds of directions.
* The 1 percent that just won't let go thought if we just work together and get D9 turned around then maybe .... I still haven't let that go. I think until someone else is in my life that'll be there.
* The "we're both in a world of hurt" statement just made me angry. We're in a world of hurt because she chose divorce over working hard to fix the marriage.
* Someone came to look at the house. I think she got the feeling that I'm getting over this by talking about bills and ventured into the house talk. That's a really hard subject to talk about.
I hate these phone calls. They just knock me for a loop. We have interactions like this and ... I don't see why we can't work it out.
I keep going back and forth.
This morning I was walking to the courthouse to get some stuff for my job. I have to go by the place of work for XW's best friend. And I thought, I shouldn't really care what XW or XW's friends think of me. Everyone in the world isn't going to like me.
But then another soundtrack in my head keeps playing, "keep doing what you are doing. Keep trying to improve. Keep learning how to communicate better. Keep trying to fix your finances. The rest of your life is a long time. Relationships have been reborn in others. Why not here?"
All this from one phone call.
I'll be fine. Life soldiers on. I was at a party last night and a friend asked me how things were going. I told her about XW talking about her house troubles.
She said, "doesn't she realize it's not your job to save her. She fired you from that job."
That's a good way to look at it. She fired me.
Really, when you get down to the root of the problem. It's fear. She'd rather be broke and foreclosed on than be married to me. And that hurts and always will.
On the bright side, another dating opportunity popped up. This one through DateHookup.com -- completely free site. (I'm on several now, why dip a toe in, I just went all in)
A 41-year-old with one son at home, one on his own with a 2-month-old, so she's a grandma. But if her pix do her justice she's a hot grandma.
We've been messaging for a few days and I've already asked to take her to lunch. Hopefully this week.
So things are picking up. There was the Match lady last December, I was interested in Church_31, another Match lady was interested in me this summer but I wasn't and the lunch date with OKC. So things are moving along.
There have been so many cuts at the newspaper that I'm actually typing in real estate transactions. We had a great person doing it. Always on time. Always correct. Never a problem.
He didn't have a "high value" job though so we let him go.
The person assigned to do them now hates it, puts it at the bottom of the list of her other tasks and now we're five weeks behind.
I cover real estate. I can't really write about it unless I know what's going on. So I'm typing them in to help get caught up.
Funny, went to donate plasma (and earn a couple extra dollars) and my protein level was too low so I couldn't donate.
Hmmmm.
Having trouble just focusing on the now. I keep looking ahead to the spring when a lot of my financial things improve.
This morning, I called a local housing expert for a story on how Obama wants to tweak the refinancing program and make it easier for people who are underwater on their mortgages.
When I learned what I needed for the story I emailed the info on to XW. This program will help her, but she'll have to catch up on the mortgage. She'd let it fall behind in hopes of qualifying for a different program. Where she'll get the money??? Probably her mom.
I know it's not my problem anymore, but I decided to send her the basic info because when it comes down to it, I don't want the girls to have to go through the pain of a foreclosure. If XW can refinance then she'll be able to stay there at least a couple more years.
I'll just have to put up with the pain of some other guy in my house when that day comes.
GM, I've tweaked my profile several times and now it seems to be getting some responses. Funny, the DateHookup lady right away began asking questions about my failed marriage. I don't have a perfected short version yet. I guess I could use the "we grew apart" line, which is crap. Really, I lost her to depression, but that takes explaining.
I also have a couple of emails waiting for me in Cupid.com, but I have to pay $40 to read them. I really don't want to spend the money, but I want to read them. I keep going back and forth.
Back to typing.
Funny, the DateHookup lady right away began asking questions about my failed marriage.
I'm always interested in this, since I want to know if A) a guy cheated on his wife (a dealbreaker for me) or B) if the guy is an alcoholic or drug abuser (also a dealbreaker for me).
CTH-
What did you learn about the refinancing? I have also been watching it because I have been trying to refinance since before XH left and couldn't because of the flipped mortgage. I have never been late on a payment and actually pay a little extra each month. Is this something that is going to help me?
In the D, I have until 2014 to refinance, but if I can do it sooner that will help me financially because of the lower interest rate.
Thanks!
AWEST "I have never been late on a payment and actually pay a little extra each month. Is this something that is going to help me?"
The adjusted HARP could help you. It depends on what entity "owns" your loan. I don't mean who sends you the bill or where you got the mortgage, but who owns it.
Most banks, once they complete a loan sell it right away. Where I live most of the loans are sold to Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac or to the FHA.
Obama's program only concerns loans owned or guaranteed by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac.
For example, my (old) loan was taken out from a local bank. They sold the servicing rights to GMAC. GMAC sold the loan to Fannie Mae. GMAC is the servicer. Fannie Mae is the investor.
So you need to call your loan servicer (whoever sends you the bill) and ask if the loan is owned by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac.
If it is a Fannie or Freddie loan, then ask them when and how can you take advantage of the HARP changes. The new rules for HARP go into effect mid November. If you haven't missed a payment and the loan was created before 2009 then you should qualify.
Yesterday was one of the best days I've "felt" in a long time.
DateHookup lady and I messaged several times. A date will be happening soon. We were going to talk on phone -- she gave me her number, but then she didn't pick up.
Still, it looks promising.
D12 has been asking a lot of questions about boy-girl stuff. Ahh 7th grade. I called up a Facebook friend that I had a huge crush on in 7th grade and showed D12. I told her I was too chicken to say anything.
D12 looked at her and said, "wow, she's beautiful." And she is.
Then the conversation turned to how certain people find you attractive. I told her it seems as if medium-height, brown-eyed, brunettes like my type. All of my girlfriends were brunettes (including XW) except for two blondes. I wasted a lot of nights chasing after blondes. DateHookup though is a blonde.
D12 asked me why boys do certain things. I said, well, boys are stupid sometimes. I called up one of the two blondes on Facebook -- I'm still friends with both -- and told D12, "I was really stupid. I broke up with this one."
The blonde was the county fair queen here and went on to be a model and she's still gorgeous.
D12 look at her and says, "yeah dad. That was dumb."
I had the girls for the night. D9 was great until it was time to turn off the TV and then she started going down the wrong path. I got her to sleep though and today she was excited to go to school because she has Tae Kwon Do class. I went to the class. D9 follows rules, is polite, is patient and works hard.
This may be the thing that she loves. We've been trying to find "it" for years.
Another conversation with D12. She says her ex boyfriend (she's 12, I can't believe I'm typing this line) won't talk to her.
I told her rejection is a hard thing to get over. Look at XW and me. I asked her how I look when XW is around.
She said, "When mom gets here you look angry or sad."
I told her it's going to take time for me to get past the rejection, and I've been through it before. Her ex-boyfriend (stomach tied in knots again) probably never has.
XW did come over again last night. D12 had to decorate a cake at her house. I just felt fine for once. I'll admit knowing much of the "grass is greener" things haven't panned out how she dreamed helps.
I am on the upswing. I know it. I see it. I feel it. Ten years from now I think I'll look back with pride on these years. I didn't let this beat me.
Ten years from now I think I'll look back with pride on these years. I didn't let this beat me.
Amen!
Having come out the other side - I feel proud that I got past the shock and despair, to create this happy FUN life I have now! Cute boyfriend, playing drums in a rock band, nice new house .....life is sooo good. I feel peace knowing how hard I tried to save my marriage, joy in all the personal growth that came out of that experience (thanks to this board!), and excitement to see what the future will bring.
Thanks CTH! I am 99% sure mine is FHA so won't help me.
Prepare now because with D12 and boys...it is only the beginning.
I think it comes in waves, CTH. As time goes on and you do the work the waves even out. Glad to hear you're feeling so positive at the moment!
Yes. Nice even wave this weekend. I know deep down part of it is because XW hasn't found someone yet. That I have to let go of.
Just me and the girls for the weekend -- no sleepovers. They just vegged Friday night and Saturday morning. So Saturday afternoon we went to the mall to Christmas shop.
It's going to be easy this year. A Nintendo 3DS for them to share, a couple of games. Some small stuff animals for D9 and then just split the rest of the money I've budgeted into gift cards at clothing stores.
They are really into the clothes now and I can't afford to buy them stuff all year so gift cards so they can do their own shopping spree will be the way to go.
We were at the mall for six hours. I was more exhausted doing that than after lifting weights for an hour. Strange.
Last night I reached out to a friend of mine in real estate to ask him to look into buying my old house if XW loses it in foreclosure. He buys a lot of houses through foreclosure and then rents them.
I just want him to see if he could get it at a low enough price that he could rent it to me at the same price I'm paying now.
It's a long, long shot, but worth pursuing. I'd love for the girls to be able to have their childhood home until they left for college.
XW likely would be very mad though.
Is anyone watching this new HBO series "Enlightened."
This week's episode deals with the main character's divorce.
Whoever is writing this series is doing an excellent job. I can't explain how good this episode was. We can't escape our past. It happened.
We can't escape our past. It happened.
Exactly. The breakdown comes when we can't accept the past and want desperately to rewrite it. I think that can be said for both sides of all of our stories, don't you?
Set a new goal for myself. The stop avoiding XW and to make eye contact and say hi and bye is going OK. Next step is to not say anything derogatory about her to her, the girls or friends.
I don't regret marrying her. I wish it had turned out different, but it's all a part of the great story that is my life.
Going to try again to call DateHookUp lady tonight. She sent a message saying she wanted to talk. We'll see. I really hope she is as pretty as her pix on the site and as nice to talk to as she seems online.
Finally have the rest of the money to file bankruptcy. So I'll be sending that out. I have a running race for the weekend. That's extra money. I have the plasma donating down to a science. I have my workout schedule down. I'm making progress on the developer autobiography.
All in all ... progress.
From another thread ...
The book I read, Micro Trends by Mark Penn, said the 2009 couples that met online and married dated an average of 10 different people they met online before finding the right one.
I am at two so I need to get to work.
What's your hurry?
Drew, because life is more fun when you share it with someone and I'm not going to wait around. If you aren't moving forward, you're sitting still. I don't like to sit still.
Fun night last night. Met with the developer that I'm doing the book for. Instead of working on the book though we just went to dinner and caught up.
He's having a party for 150 in two weeks. I'd guess the median income of the guest list is $250,000.
I'm on the list. I bring down the median considerably. He said I can bring my 12-year-old -- his kids are going to be there -- or a date.
So I'm covered either way. The 9-year-old wouldn't enjoy it. There'll be live music and she doesn't like loud music. Plus, you can't touch anything at his house. Too expensive and that would drive her batty.
The DateHookup girl didn't pick up again. I'm starting to wonder if I'm getting the runaround. I'll stay patient though. I just want to get a lunch date out of this.
Don't bring a date! A party like that would be a good opportunity to meet some nice financially stable woman!
The guy giving the party and I were joking that we'd likely the only two without dates.
|Hey, be proud that you're man enough that you can go without a date! Pick someone up there lol.
Drew, because life is more fun when you share it with someone and I'm not going to wait around. If you aren't moving forward, you're sitting still. I don't like to sit still.
Old meditation saying "don't just do something, sit there" I've said it before, I think that sitting still is something you fear. You see it as failure and it creates anxiety. But by allowing that anxiety to run your life you limit your life in many ways. Freedom is being able to choose when you push forward and when you just sit. You don't always have to be pushing forward...really. Examine why you think that. Btw, life isn't always more fun when you share it with someone...it can be, but it can also be a royal pain in the arse sometimes too lol!!!! Just some thoughts for you, take 'em or leave 'em
The book I read, Micro Trends by Mark Penn, said the 2009 couples that met online and married dated an average of 10 different people they met online before finding the right one.
I am at two so I need to get to work.
This was my issue - jumping right to married.
Oh I get it. You know when XW and I first split up I was desperate to find someone and get married again. Now, I can't imagine actually finding someone that could put up with D9's issues to the point we could get married.
I just don't know how it would work. I'm not saying I won't. Just coming from a divorced family and how much of a mess each of my mom's subsequent marriages/relationships were, I just can't see myself remarrying until the girls are safely off to college.
I'm just looking for a partner in crime.
Wii, I can sit still for eternity when I'm dead.
I'm just looking for a partner in crime.
Wii, I can sit still for eternity when I'm dead.
How do you sit when you're dead? They gonna bury you strapped to a chair? lol.
So GM do you have one to spare?
Crazy day. Poor D9. She had her psych valuation this morning. They are going to up her meds to help with her lack of impulse control.
Then she had tae kwon doe class. XW went to watch and was impressed by how well D9 was listening.
I picked D9 up at 4:30 and an 18-year-old travelling at a high rate of speed blew a stop sign and t-boned us.
D9 is okay but shaken up. She was a riot at hospital. She had to give a urine sample and told the nurse helping her "I can't believe it's your job to catch my pee."
Me. I'm okay. He slammed into my door. My head, ribs and knee hurts and I have some stitches in my hand.
Car is totaled and I almost had it paid off. Ugh.
XW met us at hospital and has been a tremendous help. I am staying at her/my old house.
One sad part. XW was calculating medical costs out loud and stopped herself. "I guess it's too late anyway."
She is taking time off in the morning to take me to get stuff out of my car, which is totalled. D9 has school stuff in it.
That's enough. I am typing with one hand.
Oh wow! Thank god you're ok!
I hope the 18 year old had good insurance?
That [censored], but boy, it sure puts things into perspective doesn't it?
Glad you're both ok.
So glad you're both OK, what a frightening experience for both of you!
Oh wow! So glad to hear that you both are okay if not a bit sore. That must have been scary. I hope your insurance is good. Take care of yourself and your daughter, that is the important stuff right now.
kat
OMG! Scary! So glad to hear you are ok and D9 wasn't injured. That is horrible.
Bummer about the car, but....that's what insurance is for. Stinks, but such is life.
So sorry that happened! Give yourself time to heal, you may need more time than you think once the shock has worn off.
I saw about your DD and meds. I wonder if you have tried any natural supplements? I ask because I have ADD and have found Taurine, Tyrosine, and GABA to be INCREDIBLY beneficial -- like as good or better than Adderall without the scary side effects. They soooo help with the stress, anxiety, irritability in addition to inattentiveness/attention-switching problems.
If you google, you'll see lots of stuff. I saw one supplement (Focus Formula for Children)
http://www.nutrasanus.com/focus-formula-product.html that looks good, though I've never used it. Instead, I use individual supplements.
Anyway, if my DD starts showing signs of ADD I'll use something like that before trying Adderall and such. The difference in me is as dramatic as with prescription meds, much evener, and I don't have to worry about taking the supplements too late in the day.
Hey OT, not to butt in here in CTH's thread but can you pop over to my thread and tell me more about Tyrosine and GABA. I've used Taurine with my son before but it had no effect. I've never heard of the other two or using the combination.
I'll be heading around town in a Mazda 6 for about three weeks.
Funny thing is the car is going to complicate the bankruptcy. I was also encouraged to see an attorney about a personal injury suit and I have an appointment Tuesday.
Next few weeks are going to be interesting, filled with insurance stuff from the accident.
Nurses were right. I felt good on Thursday, a little sore on Friday, worse on Saturday, worse again on Sunday and today I'm really worried about my neck.
I'd hate to get knocked out of working out for a few weeks. It's so hard to climb the mountain.
Ah the crazy world of online dating. I was supposed to meet up with a lady Saturday night who doesn't live here but was going to be in town with friends. She never texted or called though.
The DateHookUp girl hasn't responded to my last two messages. I will wait another day, send one more and if she doesn't respond to that then I'll move on mentally.
I am disappointed about the DHU lady. That looked very promising. I am, all of a sudden, without prospects again. Sigh.
Still, my mind is preoccupied with the insurance stuff. A friend of mine is an insurance adjustor and he does auto. He called Friday, I laid out what happened and where I was banged up.
He said if he had caught the case, right away he'd be thinking of a figure that would allow me to avoid bankruptcy entirely. He said adjustors would be aggressive in my case because of the fact I lost consciousness and had a CAT scan.
So now I'm trying to not get my hopes up. Avoiding bankruptcy would be something.
D12 had a performance tonight and tomorrow she sings in her talent show. D9 has had a couple of good weeks. She got 3 Bs and an A on her report card even with her first quarter behavioral struggles.
D12 had all As and Bs and just one C. She's doing well.
Went to D12's talent show last night. She was singing "Hallelujah" as a solo. I was sooooooooooooooooo nervous. But she did really well. She forgot one line midway through, but she rallied and it really sounded good.
I was surprised. I mean you praise your kids all the time to build their confidence. But when she was done she got quite an ovation. She was beaming after. A boy she likes told her "great singing."
Ah to be young again.
I sat behind XW and XMIL for the show and after we all went out to eat. I paid and said it was courtesy of the guy that plowed into D9 and I last week. I already got payment for the car.
Strange feeling. Knowing that I'm going to be OK financially left me feeling .... sorry for XW. I know the bills are mounting -- the roof is leaking at the house and she called to ask for contractor referrals. I know work is piling up on her.
The early days of WAS bliss, living in the clouds, is over. She's into reality.
I do feel sorry for her. I was devoted to the family and trying to figure out how to make her happy. I failed in that, but reading these boards I've come to realize that not everyone finds a person who puts the spouse's happiness ahead of their's.
" I failed in that, but reading these boards I've come to realize that not everyone finds a person who puts the spouse's happiness ahead of their's."
This is not really a good thing, ya know?
I was just about to say the same thing OT.
Through all this pain it finally dawned on me (with lots of beating over the head from others here and C) that each person is responsible for their own happiness and it should come first. When you are happy yourself, with yourself, then you become a better partner and are better at bringing happiness into someone else's life. You can not make someone else happy, you can only add to their own.
So things are getting worse for XW. I sent her the name of a reputable roofer. When I dropped D9 off I went inside to see the damage. There wasn't much in D12's room. Then D9 said "come see the basement."
So I go down to the 3-season porch and there's a ton of water stains around the column leading to the chimney.
I knew right away that the roof leaked around the chimney.
I headed to work and got texts from XW. The roofer said the rubber roof was put on incorrectly in 2007 and it's likely been leaking for a long time. There could be mold and serious damage to the walls.
So now XW is in a fix. The house is going into foreclosure and may need massive repairs -- although that likely would come from the prior roofer's insurance. But at least right now she has to decide whether to make at least a temporary fix so they can stay there through the foreclosure process.
The house does have a very musty smell though. Before, I chalked it up to all of the pets. It could be severe mold though, which isn't good for D12 and her asthma.
This would be a difficult night for the both of us if we were together. But we're not. I faced the fact long ago that the house and debt was going to put me into bankruptcy. It's hitting XW squarely right now and, as she wanted, she gets to face it alone.
I just feel strange. I feel vindicated in a way because in 2009 when she blissfully kicked me out I said financially we couldn't make it separately. There was too much debt and the house was a mess.
I feel happy because I felt like I was flat on my back for a long time and now I am on my way off the mat while she's crashing.
I feel guilty because I feel happy.
I feel sad and sorry for her because I want to be there to work through this together.
I feel very sad for my daughters because the day they are both dreading, leaving the only house they've ever really called home, likely is coming sooner now than later.
And I feel anxious, because who knows where they'll end up. She may drag them up by her mom, 20 minutes north of here, to a different school district, making it much more difficult to see them so much.
And now I have a headache.
Going to look up the serenity prayer.
I find out this morning things are getting worse for XW. The sewer injector failed at the house. It makes sense. It was replaced about 14 years ago. They last 10 to 15 years.
So now she has a roof repair, sewage on her floor and the bank is going to foreclose anyway.
When I pick up D12 tonight the house comes up and D12 says XW is probably going to just "give the house to the bank."
They are talking about what I've feared. She says XW wants to move near her mother in a school district 20 minutes away.
Now, realistically I don't think she can afford anything decent up there. Still, I'm feeling anxious. XW has fed D12 full of how great this district is and how much happier she'll be.
D12's issues will follow her everywhere. She's acting like XW. She's doing well at her current district, but she's not the most popular girl so she wants to go to another school.
It was not a great conversation.
I just don't want things to change.
Sorry C2H,
But divorce DOES change everything. So does financial upheaval. Far better for you to appreciate that D12 has a positive outlook regarding the move. Don't bring her down. You daughters have no say in where they live, go to school or whether their parents stay together. They have to go along with it. Keep them out of a Tug of War.
Most children Do move following a divorce. Few people stay in the same home. 20 min away? Piece of cake. Many kids have to move out of State.
I have moved twice since the divorce. In the first move (to downsize to a more affordable house) - I also worried about D so I kept to the same neighbourhood and school. In the 2nd move I went 3 hours away - which makes visitation for Ryan's dad much more difficult - but we make it work.
I know things seem dismal now but they will get better. This would be a really good time to point out the positives to your daughters and help them deal with it all. It also helps to write down the things you are grateful for. Like your health. Your friends. The good people in your life. Etc. I have dealt with job losses, business ripoffs, my child suffering severe brain damage and my husband taking off on me. I still got up every day and put one foot in front of the other. And found something to be grateful for. Especially do it now - while your daughters are growing up. Because this time is fleeting - yet they will remember it for the rest of their lives - and mostly - how you handled it.
Hugs for better days ahead. I'll bet the sun is shining today.
Barb
She is feeding her. I'll have to disagree with you there. I know both school districts very well and moving them north is going to be much more difficult for D12. It's a much more affluent school district and you are defined by what you drive and how expensive your clothes are rather than your ability or personality. Her current district is much more diverse.
And D9 is finally settled at her school so moving her would make less than zero sense.
But then again XW doesn't think ahead. She doesn't save money. She doesn't investigate alternatives. Her financial spiral is all her making. Her only goal is to live closer to her mom.
XW threatened to move out of the district two years ago and last year. She's always been jealous of the flexibility of my job. Had she been able to sell she would have moved them already.
If she does, that means I'll go from seeing them 86 percent of the days during the school year to 36 percent. I ask you, would you be happy if you went from seeing your kids 12 out of 14 days to 5 out of 14?
Barb and GM, you are speaking as the custodial parents. The line about moving 3 hours away from the father and the "we make it work" thing. Well, I'm guessing he might have a different reaction.
In the end, it doesn't really matter. I just rent my house and if she does move to another district and I'm unhappy with the amount of time I see them then I'll pick up and move into that district as well. I will not be marginalized.
C2H,
You have to stop being the victim here. You can't control her or her choices. You CAN be the best dad you can. I can't understand how 20 min can make the difference between 86 and 36. Not for the life of me.
And as for my ex and I making it work. Here's news for you. He sees his son more often now that he is 3 hours away than he did when he worked right around the corner. Go figure!
Barb
Sorry C2H,
But divorce DOES change everything. So does financial upheaval. Far better for you to appreciate that D12 has a positive outlook regarding the move. Don't bring her down. You daughters have no say in where they live, go to school or whether their parents stay together. They have to go along with it. Keep them out of a Tug of War.
Most children Do move following a divorce. Few people stay in the same home. 20 min away? Piece of cake. Many kids have to move out of State.
I have moved twice since the divorce. In the first move (to downsize to a more affordable house) - I also worried about D so I kept to the same neighbourhood and school. In the 2nd move I went 3 hours away - which makes visitation for Ryan's dad much more difficult - but we make it work.
I know things seem dismal now but they will get better. This would be a really good time to point out the positives to your daughters and help them deal with it all. It also helps to write down the things you are grateful for. Like your health. Your friends. The good people in your life. Etc. I have dealt with job losses, business ripoffs, my child suffering severe brain damage and my husband taking off on me. I still got up every day and put one foot in front of the other. And found something to be grateful for. Especially do it now - while your daughters are growing up. Because this time is fleeting - yet they will remember it for the rest of their lives - and mostly - how you handled it.
Hugs for better days ahead. I'll bet the sun is shining today.
Barb
Priceless advice.
Barb, with the current set up I can leave work every day at 2:30 p.m. and pick the girls up from school, hang out with them until 4:30 p.m. and then go back to work. So during the school year I see them every day during the week and my weekends. That's 12 out of 14 days. That's 86 percent.
If they move 20 minutes north then I'd have to leave at 2:00 to go up and see them and not be back until 5 p.m. My job is flexible, but not that flexible. I'm pushing it as it is. Plus the gas costs would be prohibitive.
So it'd be very difficult for me to maintain the same schedule. I'd be down to seeing them 5 days out of 14. That's 36 percent.
So no, I wouldn't be happy if she ends up moving out of the district. If that means I'm playing the victim so be it.
GM, their mom's best option is to rent a house in the current school district. The girls are both at special schools so it doesn't matter where in the district she moves, they wouldn't have to switch schools.
If she tries to move north, the housing costs there run $200 to $400 more per month. A good three bedroom rental here goes for about $900. This is a very cheap housing market. I found a small three bedroom for $700, but I got lucky. Up north, a good three bedroom goes for $1,100. Her current mortgage payment that she's been unable to keep up on is $1,200 so moving north doesn't really help her finances either.
It also doesn't help the amount of time she'd see them. She'd be moving 25 minutes away from her job. She already has to leave so early in the morning for work that she leaves D12 to herself to get on the bus. She has trouble leaving work now when the girls get sick or have to go to appointments. That wouldn't be easier.
But yes, I can't control her choices. I can only shake my head as she continues to make bad ones.
This site is frustrating some times because just as there is an obvious difference in how a WAS sees things as compared with an LBS, there's obviously a big difference in how a custodial parent sees things versus a non custodial parent.
Divorce is very, very, very unfair to the non custodial parent. If you don't agree with that statement then you aren't going to understand where I'm coming from.
Truthfully, though, I'm letting that go. I can only wait and see. I think in the end XW will end up staying in the district. In 2009, when she blissfully said she'd be fine in the house and if not, she'd just sell it, I told her that the house needed too many repairs and the real estate market was going to deteriorate for several more years before getting better.
I study and write about real estate and banking for a living. I know what I'm talking about and I was right. She couldn't sell and it sunk her. Here, I think once everything settles out she'll end up staying close because it's all she can afford.
Those are her issues anyway. They are not mine. I'll have plenty of time after she decides what she's going to do to figure out what I'm going to do.
Things continue to look better for me. I don't think I've ever been more secure in my job than I am now. We've cut down so many people that you have to be super productive to survive and there's no one here with my range of skills.
Most of the issues from the accident are going away nicely and I'll end up with a decent settlement. Funny how things happen. By the summer, I will have turned a corner financially.
Went on a lunch date with a lady from Match on Friday. She's an English and humanities professor at a junior college. I'm a writer. She's very pretty. The lunch was at noon. We didn't stop talking until 2 p.m. The only issue right now is her divorce isn't done. She didn't indicate that on Match. And she's knee deep in settlement talks. We were going to do something Sunday, but her STBXH begged out of having their kids.
I actually referred her to this site. I told her this is where I vented when things got bad for me. I haven't been on here much lately because things are going very well.
I'm so glad to hear things are starting to turn for you. I know it's been incredibly frustrating for you.
Hopefully your xw will realize that moving out of the district is not good for the girls. If she thinks of them first then that should be her automatic decision....let's hope!
Fun but exhausting weekend.
Friday great lunch date. Friday night I meet my church group at a restaurant next to work. This is a cool church group. They like to get out and enjoy life. Church_31, now Church_32, was there. We're good. She's bounced to another boyfriend. She's looking for someone to take care of her financially so it's good that never went anywhere. She's a sweety though.
After 90 minutes with them I headed across town and hung out with another couple of friends that I hadn't seen in six weeks. That was fun.
Home then up relatively early to go cover a massive farm land auction. It's a once-in-a-generation thing around here. Businessman sold 3,400 acres of farm land for nearly $25 million.
The way the auction was run was fascinating. I wasn't going to go out but a coworker was free and we met another friend .... and I was out late again. Again, lots of fun. I just feel lighter.
Funny, a lady who used to work for my XW showed up and was friends with one of the people I was with. So she hung around. She told me she worked for XW and I said "She fired you, didn't she?" And she smiled. XW is a stickler for the rules at her job. If you follow them to a T, you're fine. If not ... sayonara.
Just a weird coincidence.
I was really tired today, but I made it to church and then into work to catch up a bit. XW texted though and needed help. Someone had to drive D12 to a parade both girls are in but in different groups and different start time.
No problem. There were a couple things running through my head.
I really like the HBO series "Hung." Forget what it's about, at its core it's about a guy who really loved his wife and is making his way without her the best way he can. Of course, he's a male prostitute now, that's the show's hook. Still it's a great show.
In last week's episode he was paid to accompany a woman who used to be a man to her high school reunion. He was freaked to be there because he was having problem with the whole sex change thing. Then he saw how people's attitudes changed towards her -- and him -- when they figured out who she used to be.
He stood up, got over his problem and danced with her the rest of the night. The show closed with the line "The one good thing about growing old is that you stop caring about what other people think of you. You just care about what you think about yourself."
I have had the hots for XW since I was 18 years old. I was lucky enough to meet her again and marry her and spend 13 years together. The story didn't end like I wanted it to, still lots of people never enjoy the feeling I had when we got married. I get caught up a lot in the overwhelming likelihood that we'll never be together again. At least I have 15 years (two before marriage) of memories. When you're old and gray, that's what you have anyway, memories.
Second thing, simple saying from church last weekend that popped back into my head this morning. I was tired and not feeling well from two nights out in a row -- the single life is tiring. And I remembered they talked about "choosing joy." I could choose to be angry and bitter today or I could "choose joy."
So I chose joy.
Anyway, I picked up D12 and took her over to the parade. D9 was chickening out and didn't want to march. The only way she would is if XW marched with her. So XW texted that they'd need a ride after the parade -- and could she borrow some gloves.
So I lent her mine and drove to the end of the parade and waited for them. They were all three icecycles and then we had dinner and I blew D9 a kiss as they left and I headed back to work.
I am tired, but it is a joyful day.
"The one good thing about growing old is that you stop caring about what other people think of you. You just care about what you think about yourself."
You're doing well CTH.
Journaling -- I'm going to give the new possible interest the shorthand name of prof-40. She's an English and Humanities professor who is 40 years old.
Anyway, there's financial drama in her unfinished divorce so we didn't do a second date last weekend. We're messaging back and forth though so hopefully next weekend we'll get together.
Most physical problems gone from accident, except my ribs still hurt. It hurts to laugh in the morning or to lay on my left side.
I was approved for a car loan, which is a bit of a shocker, so I have 7 days to find something no more than $11,000 that I like. There's a lot of 2008-2009 Chevy Cobalts available. Edmunds.com gives the Cobalt an OK review but a coworker hates the car.
Hmmmm.
Going to Wisconsin tomorrow with the girls for TGiving. Should be a fun day -- although it'll cost. My cousin doesn't want to cook and clean. So we're all going out to eat. That's fine. I like catching up with her.
XW texted yesterday about the money from her pension. She's being denied a loan through her 401(k) because they say the QDRO is pending. I thought those were different accounts. In any case, it looks like XW is dipping deeper into her retirement reserves to bail herself out again.
I still have this instinctive urge to go over there and try to solve it for her. I wonder if that'll ever totally go away.
I learned through some channels that the motorcycle guy of summer 2009 and summer 2010 was a "boyfriend." I suspected as much when I saw the pictures of her August 2009 trip to South Dakota.
I've struggled with that one a bit the past couple of days. I have to get used to it because some day she's going to walk up and say, "CTH, this is my boyfriend xxx."
Next week I plan to see a chiropractor for my neck and shoulder and to go see the bankruptcy attorney. I really want to get the financial stuff going so I can start funding the girls college accounts again.
I hate to feel like I'm standing still.
My winter part-time job starts next week. I'm running the scoreboard and keeping score for an area high school. I should make at least $650 over the year and if they get a regional I'll get $800 or so.
It all adds up.
I am not getting very far on transcribing the book. I have to figure out a better system. Doing it at home is likely the only way.
Happy Thanksgiving. It was a good one here. We did make it up to my cousin's for Thanksgiving. We did go to Perkins. My uncle paid for it. Bonus.
It was fun catching. The best part is that the girls spent the day playing with their cousins. When it was over, we were saying goodbye and they were talking about next year and I reminded D12 that next year she'll be with her mom. She said "But I want to come here next year."
I dropped them off at their mom's at 8 p.m. I have to work tomorrow. She's off so by taking them there they can sleep in.
Nothing to complain about today.
Sounds like a great time was had by all. There's always something to be thankful for, isn't there!
Journaling.
Tomorrow I take my daughters to the car lot to test drive a 2009 Hyundai Accent. I really wanted to buy a domestic car -- I deal with UAW people occasionally for my job and I didn't want the grief -- but in the $11,000 range this was just a better choice.
The car was listed at $10,989. I know the owner of the lot and asked if he could do tax title and license for $11,000. He came down to $11,107. That means I'll have $999 left over from the payoff of the car that was just totaled.
All in all a good deal.
Girls are over and have two friends staying the night. I've mostly stayed upstairs and let them roam free. D9 is doing soooo much better right now. A totally different kid from six weeks ago. Progress.
I worked until 6 p.m. and picked them up. XW had a couple of boxes of Christmas stuff for me. It used to be my mom's. I'm guessing she thinks this is a nice thing to do. I mean I forgot she had it and I know other X's would have just tossed it.
Me? I still struggle when she does that. I feel like I'm being chloroformed from the house.
I took the girls and their friends to a Christmas store to buy ornaments. We've been adding a handful each year to my tree -- a nice tradition separate from XW. At the store I just thought "choose joy."
So much is looking up lately. Just choose joy.
Things with prof-40 are at a standstill. She has that drama with her STBXH and she says she and her family has been sick.
Not much else I can do but wait. I have her number. If nothing in a week I'll call to say hi or see if I should just move on. I'm still toying with calling the DateHookUp girl who suddenly dropped out of contact three weeks ago. I'm just curious as to what happened.
This online thing is so ... frustrating at times.
Since I have a couple of extra bucks, I'm planning on taking the girls to the gym twice this weekend. We need to get moving again.
My main job is going well and my winter side job -- basketball scorekeeping -- starts Monday. So I'm going to be pretty occupied anyway for the next few months.
Life soldiers on.
XW had a couple of boxes of Christmas stuff for me. It used to be my mom's. I'm guessing she thinks this is a nice thing to do. I mean I forgot she had it and I know other X's would have just tossed it.
It was a nice thing to do.
It's important to keep in mind that our ex's are not all good nor all bad, they're just people like you and me. They can do nice things and really crappy things. It's called being human I guess. Take the good when it comes and be grateful. hey, when my recent little romance with a lady suddenly got flushed my STBX came over, comforted me, gave me a hug and told me she cared. That was damn nice! How many guys would get that I wonder? Does it mean she's not a you know what at other times, nope! She is what she is, just as your ex is. It's just life.
Wii, I have a friend in New York who tried desperately to stay married -- like me. So when my drama began he helped me through a lot of stuff.
He told me a story similar to yours. He met someone through a Meetup group right before his divorce. They were together about 18 months and when that broke up his ex came over and they shared a bottle of wine.
I honestly can imagine XW doing that when that inevitably happens to me. She WANTS to be my friend. I know right now I wouldn't take it well.
Maybe some day.
Interesting day. D12 woke up sicker so D9 and I went to church. I then took D9 to a friend's house and texted XW asking if she'd take D9 tonight. I wanted to keep them separate so hopefully D9 doesn't get sick.
So it was just D12 and me tonight and she had lots of questions. She asked about Match, because I've left my screen up a couple of times, and I told her I've been out with three different women so far and really, really liked a fourth.
She was surprised. She knew I was doing lots of stuff when they weren't around, but she didn't think I'd gone out with anyone. I told her I wasn't going to introduce them to anyone until I was sure they were going to be around a while.
Journaling.
I picked up my car today. A 2009 Hyundai Accent. The payment is nearly $70 less per month than prior car so my actual paycheck will increase for the first time in more than a year.
Hey, that's progress.
Prof-40 messaged me. She's feeling better. This weekend we're both kid free so hopefully she'll propose getting together. We'll see.
I was at my winter second job of basketball score keeping. She was unsure where the kids were. I explained I couldn't pick either of them up because I had to pick up my car.
She started to go into why this was such a inconvenience when I cut in and said, "I'm sorry. I should have told you my schedule. I have to go though."
She said OK. And we hung up.
My neck is really hurting today and that strange sensation on my teeth is still there. Both are results from the accident. I'm seeing a chiropractor tomorrow and a dentist on Thursday.
I'm not the biggest believer in chiropractors, but I've also never tried one. The one I'm going to see is a really pretty lady I met through divorce class. Hey, I wanted to see if it would help and I won't mind seeing her again. Bonus.
The dentist asked me to come in after I explained to him what I was feeling. This feeling in my teeth is too weird to just let go.
I also haven't been able to go to the gym for four weeks. I feel like a blob -- although I've probably gained just five pounds.
It's really strange that 2011 is almost over. I remember reading a book on divorce right after moving out in May 2009. The writer of the book said it took him four years to get back on his feet financially.
That spooked me. But I'm finishing up year three and I'm just starting to feel solid ground under my feet. I'm sooooo glad there's so much time between me and the bomb.
Just a blah feeling right now.
Why blah?
Try to stay focused and move forward in a positive way. Get out and about and live your life. Make sure your time is occupied.
I think it was blah because I was heading into a weekend with a couple of free nights. I like to be out and about and not in staring at the walls.
That is taken care of. Watching (not working) some high school basketball tonight and heading out with coaches (long-time friends) after.
Working tomorrow at two sets of games -- making $90. Then heading out with large group of friends tomorrow night.
Sunday catching up on work and a friend is coming over to help me fix a couple of things. Long needed repairs.
So now I'm excited.
Some developments to puzzle over.
XW called this morning to warn me house likely going into foreclosure. She was denied an emergency loan by her benefits provider because I hadn't filled out some questionnaire about the QDRO. That means it's still pending. I told her I don't remember receiving it. So she is going to try to fax me something.
She was trying to get caught up two payments on the house. She's three behind. So apparently she's trying to keep it.
A quick aside, I sent her an email three weeks ago saying because of my accident and the auto settlement, I have extra money and can pay the half of D12's dental bill this summer and D9's ADHD medicine. SHE'S LEGALLY ENTITLED TO IT yet she's never sent me anything. She didn't respond. That makes no sense.
Anyway, I asked if she's gone to the certified foreclosure counselor in town. I've been writing about this group for 10 years. She obviously doesn't read my stories. She said, "well, they require you to take a class and it was on a Saturday I had the girls so I didn't go."
It's a two-hour class. She couldn't get her mother to watch them or ask a friend?
I told her this group assigns you a counselor and the counselor makes the calls, and fills out the paperwork. Every time I hear a sob story at the paper I refer them to this group.
Sigh ....
So anyway, she's trying to keep the house and, if she actually uses the nonprofit group to help, she should be able to, which means the situation stays as is.
If it works out that way it'll be a relief.
Other development. My newer car will mean higher insurance payments by about $25 per month. The payment is $68 per month less, so I still come out ahead. Funny, they are refunding me $330 on the old policy so that'll help offset the $517 for the next six months. I am switching to monthly payments. $517 every six months is tough to save up for.
Funny, or not so funny, I was driving the newer car to a chiropractor appointment today because of the accident. After getting off phone with XW I was so distracted I nearly ran a light and t-boned a car. Luckily I skidded to a stop just in time.
Last thing. Prof-40 dropped off Match. Probably not a surprise because she has drama with unfinished divorce. Still, I hadn't heard from her since Tuesday so I wondered if she was withdrawing altogether.
I tried to call. No answer. I then sent her a Facebook request and she accepted. That's no small feat. She has just 45 FB friends. I sent her a FB message asking if she'd like to get together Sunday and haven't heard back.
It's hard to be patient, but there's nothing else I can do.
Chiropractor was interesting. I'm not a believer generally. I'm going because A) the other insurance company is paying for it and I have some nagging issues and B) the chiropractor is extremely pretty and I met her at a divorce class. At the very least I'm getting a massage from a pretty single woman for free.
She showed me an interesting X-Ray. I hold my head two inches too far forward likely from staring down at a computer screen all day.
So I came back to work and got some equipment and raised my screen about six inches so at least I'm looking directly at it.
Hey, at least I learned something.
Um, why do you want to be involved with a woman (Prof-40) who "has drama from an unfinished divorce"? I'm thinking you're heading down a bad road here! Try and Asian social worker instead lol.
Well said, Fig. So true.
Disappointing C2H no doubt but when she didn't answer - you should have left it. Who wants someone they're "considering" dating on their FB where they can see all their goings on. And Fig's point about her not being done with her issues making her not ready to date is right on too.
Are you through your divorce issues and ready to date freely?
Barb
not me Barb...Gineen said it but it was spot on...
Duh - yeah! But right on!
Barb
CTH, I still say go with the Asian social workers, they'll never dump you, just discharge you from their dating caseload and they'll always do a follow up phone call to ask "how does that make you feel?" ...and they document everything. It's all good.
Hey CTH, remind me, what is that book you had read about a couple that D'd and then got back together? Is it "I Do Again"?
Yes. Mishka. It's "I Do Again." I really like that book. It gave me insight into what a WAS is thinking.
Prof-40 sent me a message asking if I'd picked up the second book in a series she suggested. I responded yes.
Now that basketball season has started, I have a ton going on and when busy I don't worry so much because there are few free nights anyway.
Christmas is taken care of. Saving for summer is going well. I just filled out my insurance stuff for next year. It'll be $8 less per check. That may not seem like much, but that's $200 for the year. It all adds up.
Yes Barb, I am through the divorce issues and ready to date.
Divorce drama locally. So XW calls a couple of times. The QDRO took the money from her 401(k) and not her pension. This is why she can't get an emergency loan to save the house.
She called the lady at my attorney's office. XW says they wouldn't give her what she needed and "weren't nice" to her "at all."
I asked if she needed me to call to give permission. She said yes.
So I called and the lady there said she expected my call after XW got done screaming at her.
Two different versions. I tend to believe the lady at my attorney's office.
Anyway, I just need to pick up a legal description of my/our property for the Quit Claim Deed, which they'll do for $75, and they'll fix the QDRO mistake for free.
I apologized to the lady at the office for having to go through that. I still owe these guys $1,350 and I'm paying it at the rate of $25 per check. I really don't want them mad at me.
D9 had a bad day at school and I may have contributed. She was late getting going this morning and there was a bit of a struggle. When we finally got going we discovered we'd left the dome light on the car and it was dead.
So I had to call a tow truck guy to start it and we got D9 to school 45 minutes late. Still, she doesn't do well with disruptions.
Interesting day.
I asked because the model that walked into the airplane propeller this last weekend in Dallas is the daughter of that couple that wrote the book.
Oh, that's awful.
They had twin girls.
Had a really enjoyable weekend with the girls. Friday we just hung out at home. Saturday we did a bunch of Christmas shopping. Sunday, we hit church and the gym and they both hung out with their mom for a couple of hours.
Saturday we bought blue Christmas lights -- one strand -- for the rental house. Why blue? XW hates blue Christmas lights so I said that's what I'm getting. We laughed and laughed about that.
We/I also spent about $100 on Christmas presents for XW from the girls. D9 is paying me back $15 through her weekly allowance for her gifts and D12 is paying me back $25. So I'll end up spending $60 on her.
I guess she/they bought me gifts as well.
Money is going well. Insurance company of guy who hit me already sent me back my $1,000 deductible. So that's sitting in the bank. Lots of basketball games are adding to the coffers. I'd saved up $400 towards Christmas through my credit union so I pulled that out. I even got an unexpected $50 check from some class action suit I knew nothing about.
So I'm heading into 2012 in the best financial position since -- perhaps December 2006.
Nothing lately from Prof-40. A new prospect tonight though. She's 41 and runs a mentoring program at the high school I work the basketball games for. Very small world.
She's sending me forms on how to become a mentor. So if we don't hit it off (she's a blond. Historically I haven't done well with blondes) at least I may be helping someone. The town I live in is growing increasingly poor. It's in a death spiral unless we turn it around for the next generation.
Funny thing with the accident. I've started seeing the (really pretty) chiropractor that I met through a church divorce group several months ago. The other company is paying for it so I thought why not. Twice a week for the next month.
She's given me some exercises to do and given me some very nice back, shoulder and neck rubs, but now my neck hurts worse than it ever did from the accident.
It may be from the fact I'm consciously trying to sit up straighter. She showed me an X-ray showing that I hold my head too far forward. Likely, it's from hunching to type on a computer for the last 19 years.
So I'm trying to keep my head back when driving and I elevated my monitor so I have to look straight at it.
And now my neck hurts.
You're probably right. You're retraining muscles that are used to going one direction into another direction. That can be very painful until they adjust to it. Don't give it up, you'll eventually see a benefit from it.
I learned I was sitting too high at my desk and it was putting too much pressure on the back of my legs (even though they weren't dangling, my knees weren't bent enough) and that was leading to sciatic nerve problems. I lowered my chair 1 inch and I haven't had a problem since.
Chiropractor is pretty hot -- not super hot. We had a conversation at my second appointment that was eye opening. She's from a small town, lives in a small town and has no plans on moving.
Not that there's anything between us, but I do not plan on marrying another small town girl whose horizons only stretch as far as her back yard. So really this is about having a good looking doctor give me back rubs for a couple of months.
More messages with -- I'll call her SW38 (social worker 38). She's a blond and I don't do well with blondes so we'll see. I'll fill out the paperwork for the mentoring program and drop them off -- which will give me a chance to check her out. Hey, I'm still pretty shallow.
Got lots of personal stuff done today. Switched electrical providers. Good incentives. $100 to switch. 3 pct. off on electric delivery charges. Filled out medical records request for opposing insurance company. Filled out mileage request.
D9 had a rough day so she called and asked that I pick her up rather than take bus to daycare. That was fine. Talked to D12 for 10 minutes.
Spent rest of day at work. Here too long. My shoulders are burning from sitting too much.
Did do some advanced planning. At least a couple of my running races fall on weekends I'm supposed to have the girls. So I'll have to ask XW to keep them those weekends. I hate that, but it's a necessary evil.
I'm looking forward to 2012 though. It's going to be a very good year.
I'm looking forward to 2012 though. It's going to be a very good year.
That's a good healthy attitude.
When it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile.
Interesting development. The lady I was messaging through DateHookUp.com in October sent me a couple of texts.
We were supposed to go out to lunch. She gave me her number to call her and set up a day. But then she never answered. She'd apologize the next day through the site and promise she'd be home that night. After several days of this I sent her a message with my number saying basically if she wanted to get in touch with me, here's the number.
So now seven weeks later she wants to talk.
??
You're a trooper, CTH. My thoughts are that past experience is a valuable indicator of what you will most likely get in the future. It's your call!
C2H: My guess is that she was also talking with someone else and decided to see where that led. And now she knows. Hmmm...
But what the heck - you could just see if you can find out more and give it a shot.
As Wii has pointed out - dating during the holidays has a different twist. Many just stick to family till the New Year.
Barb
A couple of long talks with DHU-41 (DateHookup 41). I was invited to a restaurant opening by my real estate developer friend. It's Saturday from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. I asked DHU-41 and she said yes. I am picking her up at 5 p.m.
My best friend is in town from Florida for the next week and a bunch of friends are getting together to play cards at 7 p.m. or 8 p.m. Saturday so the night can go several directions. We can have a rip roaring good time and hang out to 9 or 10 p.m. Or we may not work out and I can head off to play cards.
So we'll see.
Just from the conversations we seem to have a lot in common.
It's going to be a good weekend. I'm meeting a friend Friday for drinks. His girlfriend just broke up with him. I will have to watch what I drink though. I want to look good Saturday. Luckily my early morning basketball game was cancelled. Normally, I'd be fretting about the lost money but I'm OK financially right now.
Saturday and Sunday I have to get my Christmas shopping done for the girls.
You know SFO, it was this time last year I had my two-week fling with a lady from a city 30 minutes from here. Maybe I'm only appealing around Christmas.
You know SFO, it was this time last year I had my two-week fling with a lady from a city 30 minutes from here. Maybe I'm only appealing around Christmas.
OMG, I've got a couple of really crude but funny lines I'm dying to type here...but I'll sign off instead before I can't stop myself!
Saturday date went about as good as a first date can go. I am taking myself off of the various sites. I am off the market.
Yowzer!
Glad you had a good date.
JUst don't rush it - take your time.
Glad you had a good time! Have you followed up with her since with a quick email or phone call to say you enjoyed the evening? Any reaction on her part?
C2H: Glad your first date went well. But why take yourself off dating sites already. Geez Louise!
I've met more men from this site who jumped into instant coupledom - your head would spin.
Keep your wits together. Don't go from zero to sixty. Enjoy the scenice route for a while.
Barb
holy smokers...
I am all for being committed but jeepers....
one date and you know already???
sounds a bit quick
life isn't a sprint
it's a journey
make sure you enjoy the trip as much as the destination
"Scenic Route" - my fingers got away from me today.
Barb
Wii asked:
Glad you had a good time! Have you followed up with her since with a quick email or phone call to say you enjoyed the evening? Any reaction on her part?
I had a first date the other night, when I got home he had already sent me an email that said he had a "wonderful time and would love to see (me) again soon"
I thought that was the perfect follow-up. He didn't leave me wondering whether he liked me or not(this was a first meeting with an online guy, so you never know for sure if they're interested or not until after), and he made his intention clear that he would like to see me again (relieving me of wondering if that's gonna happen) but left it open so that it doesn't feel pressured or over the top.
After my first date with MM (which lasted 10 hours), I went right home and emailed her "Thanks for a wonderful day. I smiled all the way home and, in fact, I'm still smiling. Let's do it again soon" She emailed right back "you really had a good time? Me too!" I think it's always good practice for the guy to do that ASAP.
Wii, we texted and talked on Sunday and today. I just got off the phone with her. She is going with me tomorrow to my church's Christmas Eve service (they do one every night from Tuesday through Friday, it's a megachurch, 6,000 members).
She doesn't really like her church so I asked her to come with me. It's another chance to see her because with my schedule it'll be two weeks before we can go out again.
Guys, I'm not rushing to the altar. I just want to let this one play out. If it doesn't work out, then I can always join all of the sites again. I'm not one to juggle women anyway. One's enough.
She seems to share a ton of my interests. She's physically active. A good summer day is a run or a bike ride and swimming. Her 14-year-old son and her take a summer trip each year. They just pick a point on a map and they go.
I love that. I love to take my kids places. The place she's always wanted to see is Australia. Me too. She wants to go to Broadway to see a musical. That's something my girls and I have always wanted to do.
We were talking about what we bought our kids for Christmas. Her son wanted a couple of "Tap-Out" t-shirts. Those are UFC (ultimate fighting) shirts. She didn't really want to buy them. She thinks UFC is boring compared to boxing. Me too. She grew up watching Sugar Ray Leonard and Marvin Hagler with her stepfather. Some of my best memories are watching fights with my dad.
Also, she just moved here from Texas and says she makes a mean Texas barbecue. I can't want to taste that for myself.
Hey, I know I have a ton of long dormant adrenaline. But that's a good thing. I have a hectic life with all of the extra jobs. Fitting ANY ONE person in is going to be difficult.
C2H: I'm happy for you! Sounds like you have lots in common. Truth is - we can find that with anyone, really. Like the Australia thing. Josh and I had that in common from the get go. But so did Ex and I. (I'm happy to say that I went with Josh, not ex - LOL). Still, it sounds like there's more to it than that.
So enjoy the journey. Do not be in any hurry. We can all see the smile on your face across the continent!
Barb
Hectic few days. Had second date with DHU-41 and it went very well. We talked a little bit about how it's going to be difficult to see each other. I work a lot. She lives with her sister so I won't just be hanging around there. She said she'll work around my schedule.
We texted a lot last night and it got pretty "interesting" and we were going to see each other today, but then her 14-year-old son told her he was going on his first date and she canceled to help him get ready.
That's fine with me. This is the one week of the winter I don't have much to do. No basketball games. I'll only have the girls Wednesday and Saturday.
The only downer was I spent the morning cleaning rather than donating plasma or catching up at work. Then again, I really needed to clean.
Christmas weekend was good. I took the girls to Wisconsin Dells on Friday. D12 was irritable on the way down and I had to pull over once. It's all school/boy/confidence issues.
Friday was fun. Friday night was more fun. D12 and I went to see "Jack and Jill" while D9 just rested in hotel room. It's a terrible movie. It's so bad it was funny.
Saturday morning D12 again overreacted to something D9 did and they both wanted to just pack up and go home. It took a while, and a little anger, which I'm always trying to avoid, to get them going.
Then it was a great day. They painted pottery. Went to the water park. Played in the arcade. Easy trip home.
D9 was developing an illness so she just laid down when we got home. D12 wrapped more presents.
Sunday morning was the first Christmas they woke up with me. Last year I let them wake up at their traditional home because I wasn't sure how long XW would have it.
Now that it looks like she'll be there a while longer I wanted to have them wake up here. Anyway, D9 wanted XW to come over here. So I invited her and we opened presents here and then I went with them over to the other house and opened presents there.
They were happy. They both got the big things they wanted. I got D9 the present she really was hoping for. XW got D12 the present she wanted.
I only had three presents each and XW had two the girls had picked out. They got me four presents.
XW had a bunch of presents for them. I am guessing she got some money from her mom to go big on presents to kind of match up with my yearly trip.
It worked out well. I took the dog for a walk then I left. I think that surprised the girls. They didn't ask me to stay, but I think they just assumed I'd stay for a while.
But XW's family was coming over and I didn't want to stay. I just headed home and laid on the couch and worked on a stat project. Lifted weights a little and then started texting with DHU-41. We were going to talk but the racy messages filled the time.
I am struggling right now with slowing my brain down. I just start thinking about how this could happen, which could lead to this, which could lead to this.
Mental gymnastics. I have to learn to just be thankful for today.
At the end of October I was facing bankruptcy. I may still end up in bankruptcy but the car accident took off some of the immediate pressure and actually led to a better Christmas trip.
Two weeks ago I was thinking about basically taking the winter off from dating and just concentrating on the various jobs.
Now I have an exciting new lady willing to work around my schedule to see me.
I am just trying to learn to be happy today and let the rest of everything work itself out.
I always talk about how XW just can't be happy with her life. She's always looking for the next thing to make her happy. She'll find something and it leads to temporary happiness.
In my case, I am happy with myself, but I try to make things perfect. I don't let things just be "good enough."
I was happy with XW, but I was always trying to push things, make things even more perfect. That's good to a point but tiring.
Here, I should just be happy to have found someone to spend time with, but I keep thinking about the complications that could come about and how to handle those.
I need to stop and just be.
Anyway. Merry Christmas.
Date No. 4 with DHU-41 on Friday. Took her to the downtown hangout where I've spent lots of nights the past three years. Met some friends there and they approved and ... that means something.
Not sure why. But it does.
Saturday I had the girls for New Years for the first time since the split. The 9-year-old invited three girls over and they had a lot of fun. The 12-year-old mostly watched TV. She's practicing her "surly teen years" early.
Big year for these two. D12 will actually be a teenager and D9 will turn double-digits. After the ball dropped, she grabbed her friend's arm and yelled "We're going to be pre-teens this year."
Put all of the photos up from Christmas and New Years, and I noticed XW has gained a lot of weight. I know I've mentioned it before, but she can't hide it with clothes anymore.
D12 is still trying to get her to go to the health club with her. I made an offer over a year ago to add XW to my family pass. That way D12 would go more often. XW needs to do something. Truthfully, now I really don't want to add her but I won't rescind the invitation.
I ran today for the first time since the accident and the first time with orthopedic supports. I ran really, really slow, but my left foot didn't feel so bad. We'll see how it is tomorrow.
I'm going to try to get a double in tomorrow -- plasma in the morning and basketball game in at night. I have to make more than I spend consistently this year and I need the extra money.
Wednesday and this weekend I have the girls -- hopefully we won't do much other than hit the health club and date No. 5 with DHU-41 on Thursday.
Things are going well with her, but there are potential storm clouds on the horizon. She's twice divorced, both guys she married (she says) were alcoholics who cheated on her.
Well, I'm not an alcoholic and I've never cheated on anyone. But I'm also in no rush to get married or move in with someone or really sacrifice any of the part-time jobs and time with the daughters.
A friend of mine who is divorced told me "divorced women can be stage-4 clingers" and DHU-41 already has said she's "falling" for me. DHU-41 got upset Friday when I said I still have a long way to go to purge all of the feelings for XW.
It isn't so much that I miss XW as a person. I really don't. And I no longer miss her physically. It's more that I can't stand the fact that I failed and I don't believe I was the reason she was unhappy and I still think she'll wake up one day and realize that ...
Back to DHU-41. I want to take it slow, but commit to her as much as possible. We've already talked about taking a trip for our birthdays -- they are six days apart in April. We've talked about hockey tickets so I can meet her 14-year-old son who is a hockey fan. And we've talked about perhaps her meeting the girls in March at D12's next play.
Really, my schedule is so full I can't fit much more in than seeing her once, perhaps twice a week.
The nice thing is that I feel I can slow down now. A friend texted today wanting to know if I wanted to play cards. I didn't have any plans and normally would have jumped at it. Instead, I said no. I cleaned the house a bit and then headed into work to catch up on stuff.
A lot of things are falling into place.
Met some friends there and they approved and ... that means something.
Not sure why. But it does.
Actually, it means a LOT. Sometimes infatuation or pheromones can blind us to our date's poorer qualities - friends can be much more objective.
Things are going well with her, but there are potential storm clouds on the horizon. She's twice divorced, both guys she married (she says) were alcoholics who cheated on her.
Well, I'm not an alcoholic and I've never cheated on anyone.
Twice divorced by 41 - well, not that unusual. But married TWICE to alcoholic cheaters? I'd be interested in knowing her history, and why the alarm bells didn't go off with that second one. (Did she grow up with an alcoholic, so it felt familiar? Did she used to drink too? Does she have terrible self esteem?) In her defense - I have a perfectly sane intelligent girlfriend, who grew up in a family where her alcoholic uncle was the interesting, fascinating member of the family. Her first big love in her twenties was with an Irishman from Brooklyn who turned out to have a drinking problem. She eventually left him, but has an unerring knack of picking guys who turn out to be ex-alcoholics or active drinkers. She hasn't been with another active alcoholic - but that early imprinting causes her to find certain guys attractive that I wouldn't give a second look to. In all my years of dating, I don't believe I've ever dated a single alcoholic. Completely different radar.
We've talked about hockey tickets so I can meet her 14-year-old son who is a hockey fan. And we've talked about perhaps her meeting the girls in March at D12's next play.
I don't get why the rush to meet each other's kids. I firmly believe kids should not have to get involved in their parent's dating lives - what if they get attached to your girlfriend, then you break up? They don't need any more loss. I don't see the need for either of you to meet the kids until you are really positive this is going to be a long term relationship - and after just four dates, it's silly to be even discussing it.
(I've been dating a guy for 6 months, and have yet to meet his 9 year old daughter - and frankly, I'm not sure it would be appropriate even now).
A friend of mine who is divorced told me "divorced women can be stage-4 clingers" and DHU-41 already has said she's "falling" for me.
Well - I wouldn't ASSume that just because a woman isn't coy about admitting she really likes you, that that translates into her being clingy. She might just be really honest!
BUT - a woman who has had two alcoholic cheating husbands OUGHT to be a little more cautious about her next guy - if she's willing to jump headlong into things before she knows you very well, she might be lacking in judgment. Is she self-sufficient? Or does she need a guy to rescue her??
Really, my schedule is so full I can't fit much more in than seeing her once, perhaps twice a week.
I would be thrilled if my current guy was seeing me once or twice a week, instead of once or twice a month! lol. That seems like an entirely reasonable date frequency for two parents with children at home.
Take your time. No rush!
Ditto to what Ellie said above.
I can also chime in on the idea of meeting the kids. During my four month "soul searching" after the break-up from RC I dated some. One of the guys was an old friend whom my YS had never met. He offered to help me with some things at my house but I didn't feel right bringing him here when YS was here.
I put it off for awhile and finally decided for all of us (including YS, OS, and this guy) to meet for dinner. Then that way it felt "okay" for the guy to come to the house while YS was there. Because of his schedule he had a hard time working around when I had YS. YS was not ready to meet him and I have to admit I forced the issue and did not handle it well.
Although he didn't say it enough during the time I was with RC, YS had really taken to RC and his family. He held some anger about having to get to meet new people and a new family. He expressed it to me and I tried to take it slow. In the end, I still didn't handle it well and I regret pushing it.
RC isn't the first guy since my divorce and each time I have dated, my kids eventually meet the guy and his family. Each time they had to deal with the loss, again. The divorce was hard enough, especially on YS. I have tried to take my time, but even when I do, it's still hard on him if the relationship ends.
The friend guy eventually did come to my house to help with some things, but YS was never comfortable with it. This is one of the many things I would "do over" from this past 6 months if I had the chance.
So lesson learned for me...
Take your time with the kids if you can. Sometimes they do not know how to express what they are feeling. They do have to endure so much loss when our relationships fall apart, so caution is good.
I'd be happy to share more about my experiences if it would help.
I come from a divorced family. I know how it is to have people paraded in and out of my life.
In March, if we make it that far, it will have been four months. If things are shaky I won't bring her to D12's play.
Here's the opposite point of view. Eventually, it will be good for them to see me with someone. One thing the divorce classes have taught me is that children learn how to treat others by watching how their parents treat people.
I rarely saw my dad with other women. And by the time I was old enough to start dating he was out of my life. So I learned through movies, which is unrealistic.
Both daughters have asked me when I'm going to start dating again. They worry that I'm home alone depressed. As much as I try to explain to them that I'm extremely busy, they don't really believe it.
Here's the opposite point of view. Eventually, it will be good for them to see me with someone. One thing the divorce classes have taught me is that children learn how to treat others by watching how their parents treat people.
Both daughters have asked me when I'm going to start dating again. They worry that I'm home alone depressed. As much as I try to explain to them that I'm extremely busy, they don't really believe it.
Good, it seems you have a good frame of mind about it.
I agree about them learning how to treat people. My OS (who was 16 when my ex left) has watched and learned a lot from me. He often comments on how well I've handled things and how proud he is of me. My YS is tougher because he was young when it all happened. His views of the way to treat people (especially women and a wife) come from his dad (my ex), and sometimes they are not what I want him to learn.
He also has some insecurities that OS doesn't have. But again he was younger when it happened.
It's sweet that they worry about you being alone. That makes it so much easier to start dating again.
Be careful, CTH. Meeting the kids is way over board at this stage! Also, it's been maybe 2 or 3 weeks and she's already telling you that she's "falling" for you? That would scare the hell out of me...and it probably should scare you too! I know how powerful it can feel when someone seems to care about you. I remember what it felt like when MM would call me at work just to ask how my day was...that was huge for me, I was in orbit! So keep your shield held high, my man. Enjoy, but do be cautious
When I was dating I heard that 6 months was about the right time to introduce kids and only if it was a committed R. The kids have had enough going on in their lives.
I was dating a guy from this bb about the 2 year mark for me. He had kids and so did I. We had talked about the 6 month thing and he also agreed - no one was to meet his kids unless it was serious. He brought his kids to meet me at the 4 month mark so I was pretty certain we were getting serious. And a month later he dumped me in a text. That's hard on the kids I think. It was sure hard on me.
Take it easy. Take it slow. ESPECIALLY with a twice divorced woman who "thinks she is falling for you". Make sure you are getting clear about YOUR feelings, not falling victim to the feel goods she is sending you.
We've all been there. We need that reassurance that we are loveable so badly that we can easily succumb. So be careful out there.
Barb
Thanks for the concern everyone. I definitely have my guard up. I was driving back from the auto show in Detroit last night and had a long talk with a fellow divorced friend.
We talked about DHU-41 and how really I like this situation. I have all of my other side jobs, the kids and my regular job. I basically have one night a week to dedicate to someone else.
And that's all I really want to dedicate -- or at least that's how it feels with this lady.
I'm actually starting to feel guilty about that. I don't feel head over heels by any means. I don't know what's missing. Perhaps it's the time in my life. I'm not willing to put her ahead of my daughters.
She's not pushing me for more time by any means. I just feel guilty I guess that I don't want to spend more time with her.
Perhaps I'm just trained to expect less. I really tried to break through XW's shell and she kept me out, mentally, emotionally, physically.
DHU-41 saying she'll take whatever I have to give. That's just a weird feeling after 15 years of living the other way.
GM ... back to the night she got upset about my feelings over XW. What I think hurt her is I said that if XW showed up tomorrow and wanted to work things out ... because of my daughters ... I wouldn't slam the door in her face. I'd consider it.
I've thought over how I delivered the message because DHU-41 texted me this weekend saying what she heard was I'd go back to XW if she'd have me.
I think I have clarity on this subject now. I don't miss who XW turned out to be. I do miss my daughters tremendously. I hate the fact that I don't get to tuck them in 60 percent of the nights. I don't want XW back. I do want my girls with me every night. So if XW all of a sudden showed up saying she made a mistake and she wanted to start over -- it would be very hard for me to just say no without thinking about it because I would be saying no to having my girls again every day.
Updates on other stuff. One more meeting with the pretty chiropractor and I'm going to wrap it up. The headaches have gone away. The neck issues have -- mostly -- gone away. Everything else is fine.
It's time to get the settlement process going because I need some clarity on whether I'll be able to avoid bankruptcy on XW's credit card debt.
Money situation is .... OK. I need to be more vigilant on spending. Christmas always gets me out of whack.
Main job is ... I'm bored with it. But I'm not going anywhere soon. Maybe I just need something to complain about.
I'm about 10 pounds heavier than I want, but I'm having trouble finding any more time to work out than I have now with everything else going on.
February is going to be an interesting month. I went by a Valentine's Day billboard and thought to myself ... hey, what am I supposed to do for DHU-41 for Valentine's Day?
On Feb. 25, D12 becomes D13. Wow.
OK, thinking out loud. Lady is used to being with men who can give very little (2 alcolholic husbands) and she's saying to you she'll take whatever you have to give...um, pattern emerging! Now, not that she should be demanding a ton of attention right now but her attitude strikes me as a needy lady giving you the wheel "whatever you want works for me" Hm. You told her that if ex showed up and wanted to work things out you'd have to strongly consider it...OMG, at least she got mad! Maybe you don't want to give her more because she's willing to take very little...I dunno, again, just thinking out loud, do with it what you like
Well,
I was in a once a week R for years with Josh due to our locations and it worked out fine. But it was what we both wanted. Neither of us was clingy or needy and we filled the rest of our week with family, hobbies, work etc. We did commit to talking on the phone 2 or 3 nights a week when we were not together. But that was just us.
Her reactions and willingness to take whatever struck me funny too. I second what Wii and GMom said.
Your thought patterns seem to be a bit scattered here about what you want and what you're ready for. You need to get really clear about what you want.
And best to get all your financial stuff sorted before you get too involved with someone else. Dating can be expensive. I last recall that you took your daughters to a night in a hotel but you were also still selling blood? Ummm - I can't make sense of that.
Barb
"I realized that I wasn't ready to date until I could look another guy in the eye and so "absolutely not" if asked if I would try to work it out if my ex came back."
But our situations are not the same in any way. You have your daughter most of the time.
I miss my daughters every single night I don't have them. If XW came back and said she wanted to work on it and I just said no without considering it, I'd be saying no to having them.
I appreciate the input, but a lot of times on this site custodial parents forget what the non-custodial parents are going through.
The situation may be taking care of itself anyway. On Monday and Tuesday, while I was out of town, we exchanged a number of steamy texts.
I had to delete them when I got back in case my daughters picked up my phone.
It was fun and I was looking forward to seeing her tonight. Last week, we'd set tonight as a date.
On Wednesday, we texted a couple of times. On Thursday, I asked her when should I pick her up Saturday.
She responded she couldn't go out. A friend was coming into town unexpectedly.
I asked if she wanted to do something Sunday. She said sure, I asked if 4 p.m. was a good time. She said she was going to check and get back to me.
This was Thursday night and I haven't heard from her since. I've texted a couple of times and called. No response.
This is the same woman who I was going to see in October and she disappeared -- in terms of contact -- until mid December. So there's a history here.
The funny thing has been my feelings about the whole thing. It's almost like that angel on one shoulder versus the devil on the other.
On the one hand, something about the relationship didn't feel quite right. I can't say exactly what and maybe that feeling would/will go away when/if we see each other more.
On the other hand, it was comfortable to know or feel I had a partner in crime. I was thinking of fun places to go this summer, things to do. She'd been out with my friends a couple of times already and they liked her.
There's really not much I can do about it so I'm trying to just let things be. I'm meeting a friend out tonight anyway.
Tomorrow, I will text in the morning and if I don't here from her I will call in the afternoon. If 4 p.m. comes and goes and I don't hear from her I'll do what I did in October -- send her a message saying I'm not sure what's going on, but if she wants to get in touch with me she has my number.
That book I read a few months ago -- Microtrends -- had a section in it about dating. It said the average number of relationships started online before finding the right person is 10. DHU-41 is No. 4. I've got a few more of these to go I guess.
That was my fear for you, that past history is a good indicator of what the future will hold. But why keep trying to contact her so often? Screw it, leave it in her hands, you've done you part. Let us know how it turns out.
So you would not contact her tomorrow either?
That sounds right. I will pack my workout clothes tomorrow. Go to church, head into work to catch up on stuff and if I haven't heard from her by 3 p.m. head to the gym. There's a 4 p.m. weightlifting class I'd like to go to.
You go guy! No, I wouldn't contact her. She knows the arrangements and you've done your part, she's not responding. Let her realize that your life doesn't revolve around her. Hey, I'm really good at telling other guys not to chase, aren't I lol.
I'm just not one to sit around. I feel like I'm ready for a serious R, there was just something with DHU-41 that was/is holding me back.
Maybe that will go away with time. Maybe we're through already.
But if we are through, I'll just move on looking for someone else.
I am actually encouraged so far about the choices I've made in the past 13 months.
It was December 2010 that I hooked up with a party girl and had a couple of very good times and I willingly let that one go because I didn't think I'd ever be comfortable introducing them to my daughters.
I went on a couple of lunch dates and they didn't work out.
Now this one. I really "like" her, but I'm not head over heels and I don't feel "desperate" for her.
That's major progress, I think. I remember when it was over with XW, I was very, very co-dependent.
I feel pretty good now. I'm fine by myself. Whatever happens, happens. If I have to go back on the lookout, well that's fine too. I am sure I will find someone again. Those worries have gone away as well.
That book I read a few months ago -- Microtrends -- had a section in it about dating. It said the average number of relationships started online before finding the right person is 10.
Hmmmmm...was that ten that you've met in real life? Or ten total, including online flirtations that fizzled out before meeting and real life dates that didn't come from online? Just trying to figure out where I am, lol!
If you count all of them...hmmmm...I've got 3 lovers I met online, 3 other coffee dates, 3 geographically undesirable online flirtations, and now one current boyfriend that I met while shopping. He seems to be my lucky number ten!
When it happens it happens! It might be number one, it might be number ten, it might be the one you meet shopping or waiting for an oil change. My feeling is to be open to it when it happens, and don't try to force it.
As far as people you meet online, I went with the idea that I was going to enjoy the time with every one I met, even if I knew immediately we were not a match. And I found that it really did work.
I second what Wii said. Don't text her or phone her again. Let her contact you. Or not. Seems she can't even bother to reply when she has a guest? That is very impolite and I wouldn't waste any more time on someone who behaved that way.
Anyway - each person we date teaches us something. Usually it is about ourselves. If you enjoy her company and you get through this "blip"- then continue. But avoid the planning so far ahead thing. Try to live one day at a time or even one week at a time. Not "meeting the kids" or "going on vacation". etc. We all plan things like that but when you're with someone you're not sure of - don't let it happen.
Good for you - making plans for tommorrow in case.
Barb
So last Sunday didn't happen, but she texted that day to tell me why. Her story was that she had a friend going through a bad divorce come and stay the weekend.
Sounds plausible.
So we made plans to get together Thursday and we did and ...
This has become a purely physical relationship. It's exactly the opposite of how life was with XW. I shouldn't complain. Several of my friends have met her and they say I'm really lucky and she's perfect for me ...
And I'm still not totally feeling it. I'm trying to figure out why. The conversation on the car ride home Thursday bothered me. Perhaps that's part of it.
A few posts ago I told you how she freaked out when I said if the X showed up and wanted to work things out I wouldn't slam the door in her face.
I tried to clarify that for her. I told her I don't want XW back, but I really want my daughters back and if XW showed up wanting to work things out I wouldn't slam that door right away because I'd be slamming the door on them.
She said after her first divorce her son chose to go live with his dad. And now her 14-year-old son has told her he's considering going to live with his dad, divorce No. 2.
She said she wouldn't have gone back to either ex husband just to get her sons back.
I did not respond. In my head, I was thinking that these weren't similar circumstances. She says both of her exes were alcoholics who beat her and cheated on her.
My ex is none of those things. She's just a depressed person who is constantly searching for the magic thing to make her happy.
Anyway, the other thing that bothered me was when she asked me if I'd told XW that we were dating. I haven't. She hadn't told her ex either, but her 14-year-old son did. She said she feels like I've been "hiding" it from XW.
We've only been out five times in slightly over a month. I've been waiting to see if it'll last. But I didn't say that. I told her, truthfully, that I was waiting until the right time.
I have hockey tickets for Feb. 26 and she's supposed to bring her 14-year-old son. I didn't tell her that XW's best friend has season hockey tickets very near where we'll be sitting so it's highly, highly likely that if we go together we'll be spotted and the reports will get back to XW.
I told her my thought was that D12 has a play the first two weekends of March and my plan was to tell XW then that I'd be bringing someone to the play.
At that point, we'll have been going out for three months -- if it lasts.
I'm torn. Part of me wants to just get out of this now. Another part says I'm trying to find someone "too perfect" and not looking at this objectively. There's a lot more right here than wrong and I should give it a chance.
Things with D12 and D9 were great this weekend. It was a really good weekend. Of course, D12 wasn't with me much on Saturday. She had theater rehearsal and then went to a movie with theater friends. Still, it was a good weekend.
Tough times at work. The company that owns our newspaper is consolidating another department. So 12 co-workers are going to have to reapply for their jobs and those jobs will be 90 minutes away.
I'm losing six really good friends. So Thursday morning I went to talk to the leader of an MBA program. It'll cost $20,000, but I really have to improve my resume for when the train comes again and I'm standing on the tracks.
I texted XW to ask if she'd be open to switching week nights somewhere down the road if it conflicts with my class schedule.
Her first response was a question? "How are you paying for this?"
I didn't respond. I'm going to put myself $20k in debt -- again -- in the hopes it pays off over the next 25 years.
So, as usual, there's lots going on here.
Are you telling me that because she has a friend staying over who is going through a bad divorce she can't text you about plans the two of you have made for that weekend which she isn't planning on following through on? So, she just leaves you hanging! Give me a break. That's red flag stuff to me. Also, please don't talk about if you're ex wanted to come back to you with the ladies, it isn't happening so why even bring it up! Don't go there. I agree with G, go with your gut on this one...keep your powder dry! It's not looking for perfection to expect someone to follow up on arrangements. It's called asking for basic respect...considering she's done this before to you.
I think you know in your heart that she is not right for you. Gabbysmom's point about custody was right on.
I always advise my daughter not to make plans too far ahead in a new R. The hockey game is more than a month off which keeps you hooked & with her son? No one wants to disappoint a kid. But you shouldn't even be meeting him yet. & why do you need to tell your ex? I never toldine about Josh -y dating life was none of his business.
This woman seems a bit in a hurry to make her presence known despite the fact there is little substance in the R. As Wii says - Red Flags abound.
Sorry to here about the work situation. How you pay for it (student loan or whatever) is none of ex's business either.
Education is never wasted & am in vestment in your future is a good one
Best wishes with all your decisions
Barb
Yes. The red flags are there. I'm trying to think of things from her position. She's obviously been unlucky in love, and I think she's looking for reasons not to trust me.
With good reason. You can see I'm ambivalent.
I get that.
My plan at this point is to live life as is. When I'm free, see if she's free. My friends like her. She fits in in this arrangement.
If she pushes for more -- like pushing me to announce to XW that we are dating -- and I'm not ready for it then I won't do it. This is all I have to give right now.
The kid thing is interesting. Her son is 14 and stuck in a small house with an aunt, an uncle, a mom and four nieces and nephews.
That would drive me up a wall if I were him.
Plus, I believe at 14 the child can choose who he wants to live with.
Still, it's another red flag.
I am formulating a pretty good plan on the school costs. It's a mix of using the money from the divorce and money from my 401(k) to pay for it.
I have to not chicken out. I'm ensuring I won't by already telling my daughters I'm going back to college. They will bug me if I don't follow through.
I'm launching another ambitious project at work though to keep myself mentally occupied and it caused me to go digging through old boxes looking for my athletic stats from high school.
I didn't find them, but I did find photos from my wedding. Small pity party for a couple of minutes, then some nice memories because it was good to see how beautiful XW was when we got married.
I'm biased of course. D12 lately is addicted to "Say Yes to the Dress" and she bugs me to watch. Hey, it's better than "Toddlers & Tiaras." Those parents should be jailed for child abuse. I digress, watching the wedding dress show I still haven't seen anyone as pretty as XW on our wedding day.
Be careful, CTH. When you say she's been "unlucky in love" you are absolving her of the responsibility of her choices. Luck did not choose two alcoholic husbands, that's a pattern of choice. I'm not blaming her but saying when these things come up one must look at how those choices were made, we don't just end up with the same people over and over...we choose them.
Why would she demand you tell ex-wife that you're dating? What business would that be of hers? Is that something that new gf's commonly ask for? I don't have a ton of experience in these matters so I really don't know, but I'm guessing they couldn't give a sh@t. But I'm guessing it's you that has some need to tell ex-wife. Be clear on who has this need and why.
So hang in there, my man. It's always so complicated, isn't it!
Hi C2H:
Wii makes some excellent points. I was going to say something similar last night ut I was too tired to write.
I'm concerned about her not having her kids. That's a huge red flag. I'm also wondering why your only real defence of her is that "your friends like her". Well - your friends aren't dating her. And friends only see what she portrays around them.
Anyway - I get the feeling that you already know that this one is over because of all the "ifs". It's easier to end it before it goes any further.
Hope things continue well with the girls and your school plans. Life is grand!
Barb
Ambivilant is not enough, my friend. You want someone who really makes you feel "over the moon". And if there are red flags - I'd say - run, not walk away from this one.
You have a good plan regarding your education and related costs. Maybe you'll meet someone at school. That's an excellent place to look.
Glad you had a good w/e with your girls.
I just wanted to mention that if she has had two alcoholic husbands than she is most likely used to chaos. It's a lifestyle where one never knows what's coming next, you fly by the seat of your pants. Her sometimes unreliable behaviour can be a result of that kind of lifestyle. If you're going to be with her then why not set some boundaries with her, for example, tell her that it is important to you that she communicate when she can't make an outing or other plans and that it's ok for her to say she can't make it. Lastly, don't hang on to her just so that you have somebody, you're worth far more than that. A good man deserves a good relationship, don't settle for crumbs. Anyway, just some thoughts to share.
My brain is a muddled mess -- but perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps this is the "rebound" relationship where I start to realize what it is I actually want from someone.
I have been pretty desperate to find someone. Now I have found someone who wants to be with me ... and I'm pulling away.
I just don't like complications and she's presenting me with several.
The latest is happening as I type. I have tonight free and her son is with her dad so we are going out and she WAS going to stay the night and go to church with me in the morning.
This is something we planned a few weeks ago and since I've been more and more ambivalent about the whole thing.
I am supposed to pick her up in an hour. She just texted me that her niece is getting baptised tomorrow and she wants to talk me into going to her sister's church tomorrow.
That doesn't feel right to me. I am not seeing a long-term future with this relationship and she wants me to do a family event.
So I texted back that I am not comfortable yet doing a family event.
She said fine.
I texted back that I didn't want to drag her to my church either. Is there a middle ground.
She responded that her niece wants her at the Baptism.
I texted back that perhaps she shouldn't stay the night then. That way she can just go to church with them.
She responded by saying she needs to be home at 9 p.m.
That's fine with me.
It just feels like she is continually testing my commitment. It's probably smart. I mean, with XW I jumped at the chance to meet her family. When Church_31 asked me to sit with her and her parents this summer I enthusiastically did so because I was really hoping she liked me as more than a friend.
Here? I don't want to get involved with her family because I don't think there's a future here.
Obviously, like the movie says, "I'm just not that into" her.
I'm trying to figure out why. My friends think I'm nuts and that she's perfect for me. People on here wonder why I'm dragging it out.
I'm worried part of it is me being shallow.
Another part is the "comfort" factor. I liked not having to worry about having someone to do something with.
I'm worried it's a pattern I learned from my dad. He didn't tell me who he was dating for several years and only did so because he was moving in with the lady.
It seems disturbing that you are having a sexual R with a woman for whom you show disdain and contempt. You don't even seem to like her. You don't love her.
Do you think she would share your bed if you were honest about your feelings for her? If not, you ought not be using her for sex, because that is what it amounts to if her willingness to have sex with you hinges on your not being honest.
Side note. XW finally dropped off some of the doctor bills for D9. They date back to April -- pre divorce.
Of course, medical bills are always difficult to read. I found a line that said Amount: -$30.
Looking at the varying levels the insurance paid on each, this looks to be the only consistent charge.
There are 12 of them so my half of $30 is $15 and the total is $180. So I texted that to XW on Thursday.
Today, she texts back:
"If that's what you will split then yes."
To me, that's irritating. It sounds like she feels like I'm underpaying.
So I text back: "Did I misread them? There's an amount line on each that says $30."
I've already sent her $15 for the first of the 12. No way am I paying it in one lump sum. It takes me nine paychecks to say $180. I'm going to chip away it.
I've gotta agree with OT here, CTH. Aside from the morality of it, which she has covered, there's a practical reality as well. When you start banging somebody it brings in another complication and especially if you haven't been clear about what's going on. If you're both OK with it being a fun time, no attachments, no expectations then fine...I guess. But, if both parties aren't clear on what is happening here you're asking for problems. If she sees sex as commitment and you don't, it's an issue you don't need at this point.
Hi C2H,
Yes, I think this is your Rebound R. Yes - you need to end it now - you know it has no future.
You seem convinced you need to try harder because your friends like her. You've mentioned this more than once. And they have spent how much time with her? Like maybe an hour or 2 at most?
That woman sounds like someone to RUN from and never look back.
Most people are a bit "clingy" or a bit desperate Post D. Everything we've known and been comfortable is gone. And dating after 40 is a whole new ballgame. But that doesn't mean you need to sell your soul to the first person who seems to like you. She is likely coming from a needy place. Is that what you want? Or a "together" person. Someone who is with you because of who you are - not just because they want "someone".
Anyway - set your goals higher and I'll bet you'll find someone that you really ARE into.
Personally - I'd cancel tonight and call it quits.
Best wishes - it is never easy.
Barb
I went on the date and had a very good time and ... I just don't feel it.
Yes. I need to end it and I'm going to work on how to do it gracefully. There is another complication here. Her son actually goes to school with my 12-year-old. They are in different grades.
Still, she told me she asked her son if he knew my daughter. He doesn't. I have to be sensitive though to end this the right way because I don't want this to effect D12.
I wish I felt it for her. She's a nice person. I just don't.
I'm trying to figure out if it's because I'm still holding on to the dream of somehow getting XW back or if it's just her and this situation.
Yesterday, I spent about 15 minutes on the phone with XW, going over these medical bills. And she's very nice, and refuses to ask for everything she's entitled to because she knows my financial situation is tight. She tells me that she told the girls there's no money for anything fun the next two weeks even though she got paid yesterday.
So everything is a mess and my thoughts drift .... and I'd really would have just been with my family last night.
That being said, when I thought I had a chance with Church_31 this summer I jumped at the chance to meet her parents.
So again, I don't know if I'm stuck in the past or just not into this one person.
Luckily, things took care of themselves.
I didn't text DHU-41 Sunday. Instead, I did a lot of thinking.
I did text her Monday to see how it went with her son.
She responded that she got in a huge fight with her ex.
That's drama I want no part of.
Before I could respond she said she didn't think it was working out between us. She said I should be excited to be with her and she could tell I wasn't Saturday.
A couple more texts and now it's over.
I feel very, very, very relieved.
Now I can focus on getting back in shape. I've really slid since the car accident. I can focus on getting the book for the developer done. He's paid me $500 so far and I've got lots of work to go. I need to get it done by end of summer so I can focus on grad school in the fall.
I can focus on my daughters and not wonder how/if to incorporate someone into their life I wasn't 100 percent sold on.
I can focus on finishing up the settlement of the accident. It'll be interesting to see if I can avoid bankruptcy.
I can't wait to not have that hanging over my head.
You got ditched...congrats!
I'm glad for you that it is over. Especially when you knew it wasn't right and you were worried about ending it. Now you are free to concentrate on all the other things going on in your life. And free for the right person who might come along.
Barb
Yep, glad it's over. I honestly think as long as you are holding on to hope to reunite with your ex you shouldn't date. Secondly, the people I know that did save their marriages were done with their spouse. They weren't holding out hope, they had really moved on. Some had bought homes out of state and had taken jobs away from their spouses. I know not feasible for you but you should get the idea. You aren't done and until you are, you remain stuck.
kat
I don't know that I'm not ready to date. I was pretty excited when I went out with DHU-41, but the red flags popped up pretty fast.
This summer, I really liked Church_31 and jumped at the chance to meet her family. When she wasn't interested in being more than friends I was really disappointed.
So I'm going to plow forward but continue to narrow my search. Really, with my schedule it's really going to be difficult anyway.
Each relationship is a chance to figure out what I really want. I think I learned a lot from this last one.
Just remember, it's OK not to be ready! There's no magic formula or time where you must be ready. It will happen when it happens. I had a coffee date with a lady who has been divorced for seven years and when I asked for another date she informed me that she has realized she's just not ready to date yet. R's are hard work and you want to be ready to do that work, it's OK not to be there yet.
If you are willing to get back with your ex wife if she said okay, you are NOT ready to date. It isn't fair to the other person. If you want to just hang out with people that is one thing but dating with it possibly leading somewhere, nope you aren't there.
kat
It was posted on another thread that when someone is interested in you or you are interested in them, you will make the effort -- no matter the cost to see them.
With Church_31, I was willing to do that. With this one, I wasn't willing to go out of my way at all.
In terms of the XW. It's kind of like drunk dialing. When things don't work out with someone, you get weepy or sentimental and think about other relationships.
I'm not going to go into a shell and turn down opportunities. I'm also not out there desperately looking for SOMEONE, ANYONE.
When I look at the last 14 months, I'm happy with how it's turned out. There was that one party girl I saw twice in Dec. 2010 and realized there's no way I'd introduce her to my daughters so I stopped that right away.
Then there were two lunch dates in the summer that didn't go anywhere.
Now, this thing lasted -- kind of -- for five weeks and instead of clinging, I just let her go.
I'm interested to see who's next.
Good weekend with girls. Unfortunately, I had to work for a while Saturday night. They said they'd be fine alone together. I texted XW and asked if she'd stop in a couple of times to check on them.
She said yes. She brought over cheese puffs though. The girls didn't open them. They know I don't buy that junk for here.
Sunday they both woke up testy and both tried to get out of going to church. Finally, I lost my temper for about 10 seconds, slammed a door and then calmed down. They got the message. We went and they say they had a good time.
After, we picked up a couple of their friends and went to the health club.
It's likely our last trip there. They've agreed to switch back to the YMCA. It has a better pool and a restaurant and is just bigger. There's some healthclub amenities they'll miss. But this will save me money and allow them to stay on the membership all year.
The only thing I'll miss is these Body Pump classes. It's 60 minutes of aerobic weight lifting. Tonight, I tried to do some of the routines on Youtube. It'll work but I have to load each track separately and wait, and wait, and wait for it to be ready.
I think I will have to break down and buy a new computer. The fact I'm blogging for my sister will allow me to expense it -- next year.
I'm so busy for the next month or so I really don't have time to feel lonely. The thing I've noticed -- for the second time post split -- is how much better when YOU choose to be alone. I could have clung to DHU_41 just to have someone. But I wasn't willing to change my life at all for her. I'd rather have it as is right now. That's liberating mentally.
The thing I've noticed -- for the second time post split -- is how much better when YOU choose to be alone. I could have clung to DHU_41 just to have someone. But I wasn't willing to change my life at all for her. I'd rather have it as is right now. That's liberating mentally.
Absolutely. When you choose a R for the wrong reasons it comes back and bites you in the butt eventually.
Another small thing. XW has dropped off Match.com. I probably still shouldn't check, but I do occasionally.
Just an observation. Could mean she's found someone.
Could mean you should stop checking! Whether she's there or not is meaningless, you have no idea why she is or isn't, so what's the point?
I figured that would be the reaction.
Maybe she's tired of it, maybe she's taking a break, maybe she's sick of "ur hot, let's do it" messages from guys, maybe she's too busy for dating, maybe she just doesn't want to date at all right now....who knows. Women drop off and come back on frequently. So whether she's on Match or not tells you pretty much nothing about the reason therefore I say it's a pointless exercise on your part...and it shows a lack of detachment, which is neither good nor bad, it just is. We don't check on people unless we still have feelings for them.
BINGO! One of my friends from this bb still checks her Ex H's cel phone messages to this day! YEP - an obsessive habit. I think its like ripping off the scab just when the healing starts. You bleed every time you check. Or you get your hopes up.
I never checked on my ex after he left. No phone checks. No online checks. No drive-bys. It's called "Letting Go".
Just do it!
Barb
I figured that would be the reaction.
You figured right. And rightly so. With the collective experience and knowledge of those here telling you that checking up on her like that is unhealthy for you...it means something. It means that they're right.
I won't put my two cents on this then. You've been smacked enough for that one.
All done out of love!
D12's birthday is coming up on Feb. 25. XW and D12 have cooked up a big party and D12 asked me a couple weeks ago if I would pay for the food. I'm calculating it'll be about $60 so I said fine.
XW finally called today to ask officially. Then she said I could invite anyone I want and her mom and uncle are coming, her two best friends -- including the one who has had some pointed things to say about me. Ah cyberspace, everything gets back to you.
Anyway, she basically has this big family thing planned out with me included.
I'm not going to beg out, but it's going to be a weird night. I have less than zero desire to talk to her friends. One I considered my friend as well and instead she became an enabler. The other ... I'd rather not see again -- ever.
Second thing, DHU-41 texted me to let me know she has a different number. I'd deleted her about an hour after she broke up with me.
I'm leaning toward a polite. "Thanks. How are you doing." And then just deleting the message.
On the Match thing, Wii, I'll always have feelings for her. DHU-41 was a nice diversion. With DHU-41 out of the picture, I'm back on Match just to see if there's anyone new in my area and I got curious.
I understand about the feelings, she's the mother of your children! She also didn't have an affair, if I recall. Hey, there's nothing wrong with having warm feelings for that person and not hating them. Just don't fool yourself by saying "I was just curious" uh uh! I don't buy it...and you don't have to care whether I do or not :)So do the Match thing and maybe you'll meet someone nice...just be aware of your feelings re the ex and don't get curious anymore, OK. Let not checking be a another step towards detachment.
No. She never cheated. She's classic "grass is greener" midlife crisis.
Talked to my friend today who is an insurance adjuster. He said I'll probably get an initial offer of $5,000 for my injuries in the accident.
If it was his company and his case, he said he'd be prepared to pay $25,000.
Really anything $15,000 or higher should keep me out of bankruptcy.
I wish that was done with.
I texted DHU_41 back with a polite. Thanks, how are you. She responded asking how I was. I did a quick update on work and she sent me a couple more texts and I didn't respond. Hopefully, that's that.
DHU_41 ditched you and then texts you her new number. WTF! Delete at the speed of light or sound, whichever is fastest lol!
I could not agree more. You just threw her some crumbs and she is taking it for all it's worth.
RUN!
Barb
Kind of a blah weekend. Had my final basketball games to work for this season, Friday and Saturday. That was good. Hung out with church group Friday night and coworkers Saturday night.
Church Sunday was fine as well. They are doing a four-week Andy Stanley series called Destinations. It all boils down to this ... your path determines where you end up, not your intentions.
In other words, if you get in your car and drive north you'll never end up in Florida no matter how much you SAY that's where you want to go. If you want to retire rich, but you spend more than you earn every two weeks and run up debt to keep up with the neighbors, you'll never get there.
It's good stuff.
The blah part though started Friday. D12 was telling me about a conversation she had with XW. She told XW that "when D9 and I go to college. Dad is out of here. He's probably going to Florida."
I guess XW said, 'that sounds like him.'
And that made me sad.
Then there was too much XW interaction on Sunday. We have wild turkeys in my neighborhood. They don't bother me, but the big one gets pretty close and they are freaking out D12 and D9.
D9 wanted to hang out with me today so we went to the mall. XW came over to pick her up. We weren't back yet. When XW got out of the car, the big turkey (there are three of them) started walking towards her. She freaked and went in my house and called me.
Long story short. She went to her (our) house and looked up wild turkeys and found out they are endangered, so you can't kill them. But the males also get aggressive during mating season, March and April. She says it'll cost $170 to have someone come, trap them and take them away. She's going to pay to have it done and then try to get my landlord and neighbor to pay her back. They are in their 90s and they like having the turkeys around so they keep putting food out for them. That's apparently a no-no.
I kept quiet on the call other than to say "you're going to charge my landlord?"
Then I had to drop D9 off and she wanted me to come inside. And XW wanted me to read this website and everyone was in the same room -- dog and cat included -- I just wanted to get out of there.
In two weeks, I have D12's birthday party and I want nothing to do with it.
Really, I had lots of plans for Sunday and they all got shot to h*ll.
Nothing says you have to have a party together. You can do your own thing with your kids and family.
Really, I had lots of plans for Sunday and they all got shot to h*ll.
That's because you still don't establish and enforce boundaries with your ex.
Drew, I'd told D9 that she could call me this weekend. I thought it was going to be Saturday. Early on, I was very strict on "my time, her time" stuff and ones who got upset were D9 and D12. They are trying to make us as much of a family as possible.
Kat, D12 is making a big deal out of this birthday and I don't want to disappoint her.
When XW got out of the car, the big turkey (there are three of them) started walking towards her. She freaked and went in my house and called me.
Are you OK with your ex being in your house when you're not there? I'm certainly not with mine. Boundaries.
They are trying to make us as much of a family as possible.
And is that OK with you? Because it doesn't sound like it.
Look, this is going to sound harsh, but I don't know any soft and fluffy way to say it. It's OK to be friends with your kids, but sometimes you have to be the Dad.
You are not a family of 4 anymore, you are a family of 3. I don't think it is a good idea to encourage the "family feeling" when it isn't what is happening in you and your ex's lives.
I know I probably bothered you about you not being ready to date. I still stand by that. There was an interesting article on another site I participate on and I posted in on the alt. It addressed wether or not you were ready to date. I am paraphrasing but the 2nd point was, I am over my ex and no, I am not hoping to get back together with them. You yourself have said that that isn't a true statement for you. It is fine to be in a group, hanging out with a friend or two, hang out by yourself. Time and work will get you where you need to be.
kat
Journaling:
Interesting topic in church led to an intersting discussion in church growth group Thursday night. Bullying. With social media, bullying just follows kids home now.
But the real revelation was that I have a couple of people in my high school past I really need to apologize to. I was not nice to them at all for really no reason. I was a social climber and left a few footprints along the way.
Just an observation.
Stuff is happening on the accident. The insurance company is preparing a settlement offer and I'm seeing an attorney just in case ... and I'm thinking about putting on the brakes because my neck is still hurting.
I'm going to see if I can get in to see a doctor this week.
My weekend with girls, but it's all messed up. D9 has strep throat. I was prepared to stay home with her Thursday but XW called and said she'd have problems staying home Friday because of meetings. So she came and picked D9 up and I went in to work Thursday, got everything done and stayed home today.
Some would say I'm being too accomodating, but it's in the best interests of the girls. D12 is staying at XW's tonight because my house is so small she'd be too exposed to D9 and her big party is next weekend.
I asked XW if she could watch D9 tomorrow night so I could take D12 to dinner as my birthday celebration. She said she had plans but would chip in for a sitter. Normally, she says yes and yes I wondered about the plans, but I didn't take her up on the sitter money. I don't need money from her. As far as I can tell, I'm in way better shape financially on about 40 percent (after child support) of her income. You'd laugh, I have this printout that I put on my refrigerator. It has a chart on my assets and debts, my balances on those, a 12 month line chart comparing my earnings to expenses, even a monthly minimum balance.
It's all about keeping me focused. It stares me in the face every time I get something to eat.
Today, I've done way too much sitting around. I know it's late, but I'm going to get out of this chair and do a workout before I come down with what D9 has.
Back on Match and saw someone I'd be interested in and sent an email. Then I scrolled down and saw "conservative." Sigh. Middle of the road is the farthest right I'd consider. Then again, if she's a conservative and sees "liberal" I doubt she'll respond anyway.
Happy Friday.
Journaling:
Back on Match and saw someone I'd be interested in and sent an email. Then I scrolled down and saw "conservative." Sigh. Middle of the road is the farthest right I'd consider. Then again, if she's a conservative and sees "liberal" I doubt she'll respond anyway.
Happy Friday.
You should date in Canada, every woman writes "middle of the road" for their political views lol.
I was never a big "Two and a Half Men" fan. I'd watch it occasionally. It became more interesting after the D because I identify with the younger divorced brother.
I remember watching an episode where his XW breaks up with her boyfriend and he acts all sad and then when she closes the door he does a little happy dance.
I've kind of been like that the last few weeks, but tonight I got a kick in the gut.
When things didn't work out with DHU_41, I felt really good about myself. It didn't feel right. She wasn't someone I could see a long term future with. I was proud that I didn't drag it out just to be with someone. And when it was over I started to think about XW again.
It's that 1 percent in me.
Tonight, I was taking D12 to her favorite restaurant for her birthday, since it's next weekend and not my weekend.
We were waiting to be seated and out of nowhere she says, "mom's seeing someone."
I didn't say anything so she plowed on. Saying XW asked if she wanted to know whether she's been dating. Apparently, she's going back out with motorcycle guy from two summers ago. They've been out twice. Apparently, it ended before because he wanted to meet the girls and she didn't think they were ready.
I hate to say it, but it felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It brought back all that pain from that summer. I felt desperate again. Desperate for someone, anyone. I even toyed with calling DHU_41 tonight.
The series at church is called destinations. Basically, your path determines where you end up. I've been feeling good about myself. I have things under control at work. I have things under control financially. I have things under control at work.
But I don't have things under control emotionally with the XW.
I don't know why but I can't shake that last 1 percent that this is all just a phase.
Even when I think about XW and motorcycle guy. I mean he's older, not very good looking, from what I remember seeing a couple of years ago, he spends most of his non-work, waking hours at the bars in a little dive town.
It hurts like hell that she'd want him rather than me.
Next week is D12's party. I asked her if it was alright if I didn't go. She said that's fine. I probably shouldn't have asked and I shouldn't have told XW I'd go. I was never asked. It was assumed I'd go.
Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning, but right now I don't want to see her, her family or her friends who introduced her to this guy.
There are peaks and valleys and this is a valley.
I read a book about coming back from betrayal a couple of years ago. One of the tips is to do an exercise where you imagine yourself in five years and 10 years.
In the past two and a half years, the only other person I could imagine myself with was Church_31. Otherwise, when I look into the future, I keep imagining myself back with XW.
I wonder if this comes from my dad. My sister and I have talked a lot about this, but he didn't get over my mom for a long, long time. He fell off the wagon a few times. He met and moved in with a nice lady for a while, but they never got married. Finally, he drank too much and had to leave the state. Once he got away, he met a lady he married right before he died.
Tonight, I feel like that may happen to me. I may not be able to truly feel free of this until I've shaken the dust off and left this town.
Just a long night of jumbled thoughts. A lot of "woe is me" thinking. Weird how my self worth just crumbles. A month ago I was with a woman who would do anything for me and I had no interest in her so I let it go.
And that felt so good.
Then I find out XW is back with the same guy she started seeing before she filed for divorce and I'm back in an emotional hole again.
I'm trying to flip the conversation in my head. Instead of wondering why the person I thought was "the love of my life" doesn't want me I remembered the night I saw the pictures of her trip to South Dakota with her motorcycle buddies.
She supposedly went because her best friend was going. Then more than half of the 40 photos she posted were of this guy.
I remember seeing that and feeling and saying to myself "she's a liar and a cheat and I'm better off without her."
She lied to me when I asked about the relationship and she was seeing him way before she filed for divorce. That's cheating to me. And he's everything she said to me she didn't want to be.
Her best friend lives in this little dive town. She only comes into the city to work. Otherwise, she just goes to the bars and drinks and she now weighs over 300 pounds.
But this is XW's best friend and they never hung out anymore so I would encourage the two of them to see each other to get her out of her depression.
Finally, one day she said "don't you get it? I don't want to be like ... just going to the bar every night and getting fat."
Yet, the guy she started dating and apparently has gone back to is one of those bar buddies. He's really a lot like her dad, who never came home from work until he'd had five or six at the bar.
I saw that and said to myself that's not what a husband or dad should be.
It turns out that's what she wants ... and I am better off.
The problem is I can't cut her out of my life because of the girls. I feel like hopping in a car and driving for two days and rebuilding my life there. But I can't leave them to her influences. D12 is talking about going to college in Chicago and moving to Los Angeles. That's what I want. I want her to see the world. I still have work to do with D9. XW would be happy spending the rest of her life with her mom at their campground, reading romance novels. The outside world is too scary for her. D12 is not like that and I have to make sure D9 escapes as well.
D12 is not like that and I have to make sure D9 escapes as well.
Be very, very careful. That sounds like a controlling statement and your D9 will rebel at every opportunity just to do exactly the opposite of what you want.
Remember, whatever she wants to do with her life is what's important. If she doesn't want to 'escape' as you put it, what then? Will you cut her out? Be disappointed in her? What?
XW's world view is no bigger than her back yard. She's never wanted to live more than five minutes from her mom. She tells the girls she didn't go to college because she didn't want to leave her parents.
There is a big, big world out there and I don't want D9 to be scared to see it.
That's why in the summers we go to Chicago and Florida and this year Winnipeg. I try to give them some big city excitement.
Some people are perfectly fine living and dying in one spot and knowing no more than a handful of people.
What I've said is, if you go off and see the world and discover that your home town is where you want to stay, fine. I just want them to go off and see something else. Don't be scared to see the world.
That's funny coming from me because I'm living on the street I grew up on. I can't go anywhere without running into someone I know from sports, high school, growing up or from the paper.
But I was born here and I don't want to die here. Once the girls are safely off to college I hope I finally break free. I went to college and got into journalism to see the world, but then I met and married someone who wouldn't live 10 minutes from her mom.
CTH, from the way you describe your xw, I wonder what the heck it is that you are pining for. She sounds like everything you DON'T want in a woman. Why the heck are you spending time thinking about the why's and what if's and clinging to that 1%?
Believe me, Mishka, I've asked myself that a thousand times.
OK. I've calmed down. In the end, it really only matters what I do. That's all I can control. I will go to the birthday party Saturday because I don't want D12 to think of her 13th birthday party and remember I wasn't there.
I will be fine.
That's why in the summers we go to Chicago and Florida and this year Winnipeg. I try to give them some big city excitement.
Winnipeg is big city excitement lol? Portage and Main rocks! When I was kid we almost moved there...Winnipeg, not Portage and Main.
Yeah - Chicago and Florida are great learning experiences. But WinterPeg??? Ha! I remember going there in the 70s. So excited that we got to see the Guess Who (who hail from Winnipeg). Other than snow - not much of a big city feel there.
Barb
I think your decision to go to the birthday party is right. not because it is what your ex wants but because it would make your D happy.
And I really don't consider it "cheating" if your ex started dating after you were separated but had not filed yet for divorce. She had declared the marriage over. Many of us (myself included) had to figure out that our spouses started cheating long before they left then they left us for that person. That's a little different. telling us all is good but living a different life.
You are not over your ex. It takes a long, long time. And it hurts like hell. I have been there and I totally get that. Just keep working on yourself. Plan your life without ex in it. As much as you wanted her - she wants something else. Hurt Hurt Hurt.
Consider yourself one of the lucky ones who can still converse with ex. Can still be invited to a family event with her and your children. Many of us have to deal with our ex living with the person they ran off with and in my situation - we NEVER would get together with them and share an occasion with our children. Our children NEVER go there either.
So please accept what it is at this time. Work on not thinking about what is going on in her world, but what is going on in yours. I recovered much better when I remembered that God only gave me one life and I wanted to fill it with the things I wanted to do the most. And I did and I continue to make those plans. When I found myself thinking about ex - I used the Stop Sign technique and redirected my thoughts. I stopped fighting with him. If I had to deal with him - I smiled and nodded and stuck to the situation at hand (usually our very ill son).
C2H: things are going to get better. you will not regret going to D's party. I rarely regret the things I do - I often regret the things I didn't do.
Barb
It's been a very strange weekend.
I got in touch with the ex-wife of a co-worker who also dated a friend of mine for four or five months. On Facebook, I asked how she was doing since I hadn't seen her she broke up with my friend.
She invited me to be a part of her trivia team for a fundraiser. So I went to that on Friday and our team won. I contributed about 12 answers.
After we went with some of her friends to celebrate. She's the executive director of the symphony here and her friends are highly intelligent and I had a great, great time.
Saturday, I got some fitness equipment and put that together and am pretty excited about how I'm feeling. Summer is coming up.
Then the birthday party. XW did a great job with it. 25 kids showed up and D13 just had a blast.
My job was to provide the pizza and take pictures.
XW's two friends didn't show -- which is typical, they've always been the kind of friends that reach out when they need help but aren't really around when you need them.
Also, XW's boyfriend didn't come. I didn't think he would, but I did have a bit of a panic attack when I wondered if he would.
That is a day I'm not looking forward to.
Anyway, it was just me, XW and her mom. And it felt very, very weird. These always do. I sit and think, this is what a family should do, be together, share these moments. But when it's over she goes her way and I go mine and ...
I was a little sad sitting upstairs watching the party. But then I thought "what would Jesus do in this situation?"
He'd be grateful he was asked. He would help when asked. And he would be thankful that D13 is turning out so well.
I felt better.
Still, I had to get a drink after. So I met a friend, who also is divorced, and we went out and I had one of the longer nights I've had in a long time.
I paid for it this morning. I'd already volunteered to play basketball because a couple of guys from a team were out of town.
So I skipped church -- splitting headache -- and dragged myself to the gym.
We won. I did OK and I actually felt better after.
Then I took a shower and went to a co-worker's fundraiser. His infant son had been in and out of the hospital several times with a rare condition. I contributed $20 to the cause.
Now I'm waiting for friends to meet me to go a hockey game.
I'd gotten tickets for this game back in January and the original plan was to take DHU-41, her son and her nephew. This was to be my official "meeting of the family."
Instead, I'm going with a few friends.
Life is just a roller coaster, really all the time.
C2H: You are the Poster Boy for "Get a Life" this w/e. Kudos to you!!!! I'm especially glad you were there for your D13's birthday party. It only happens once. And she will remember!
Barb
Not much to talk about this week. D13 has her play this weekend. So there's lots of schedule stuff with XW.
Still a strange lack of energy at work. I'm focusing on so much OTHER than work.
The big thing right now is the bankruptcy. I thought I might be able to avoid it. But it appears as if the accident settlement won't be near enough.
So I met with the bankruptcy attorney Wednesday. We're filing in two weeks. In mid-April, I'm likely to meet with the trustee. At that point, my attorney told me, I can start putting money in the girls college accounts, saving for a house, things I had to avoid while I waited on whether to do the bankruptcy.
Mentally, I'm good with it. I spent all of 2010 trying to chip away at the credit card debt from the marriage. I did the math, if I lived as cheaply as possible it would take seven to eight years to eliminate the debt.
My girls would be college age by then and I'd have put no more to their education.
I was not happy with myself this weekend. D13 had her plays Friday and Saturday and I was carting her around and doing well when she told me XW was going to be out late with her friend from a small town 30 minutes from here.
That also is the small town the BF lives in and it just put me in a funk.
Finally, Sunday, after church, I asked her not to tell me things about XW's personal life anymore.
"It doesn't help me." I told her. "In fact, it hurts me. I don't want to know."
My poker face is bad and she can tell I don't want to be around XW right now.
Getting back to work helped. The girls and I plotted out a great trip for Spring Break 2013 -- I like to plan ahead and save. We're going to leave the minute school is out on Friday and drive to Disney World. It's 19 hours from my place so we'll have to stop and stay the night somewhere.
We'll spend two days at Disney World and one day at Universal Studios -- to see Harry Potter World. Then we'll head farther south to Fort Myers to see my best friend. We'll stay two days, with one spent traveling to Key West.
Then I'll put the girls on a flight home. Two monster car rides would be too much. Their mom can meet them at the airport. And I'll drive back, making stops to see friends along the way.
We've been to Disney World before. It was the last big family trip and I knew it likely was the last big trip we took together. I was right. Seven months later I was out of the house. I can't wait to update that memory with this one.
That helped.
For the most part I'm doing good. I struggle when XW takes up too much space in my head. Before it was because I snooped. Now, it's because D13 is acting as a go between.
There's lots to focus on. Saving for this summer. Staying on the fitness plan. Staying busy on weekends.
There's lots to worry about too, but I'm trying to let those worries go.
Good messages from church. "Your path determines your destination." As long as I keep heading the direction I feel like I'm going I will accomplish much.
"Peace. Be still," was this week's message. It was a great message, but my brain was a jumbled mess.
I've been truly blessed in my life.
* I was born healthy to two parents who loved me.
* I did a lot of dumb things early in life that I escaped from unharmed.
* I've had relationships with several beautiful, intelligent women.
* I was blessed to marry someone who I never thought would even go out with me.
* I have two healthy, beautiful daughters who so far are heading in the right direction.
* I have a career where I make friends and have some influence.
* I've climbed from living in a guest room with two baskets of clothes to renting my own house near friends with a good financial direction.
If I get outside of my own mind and look at my life objectively, an awful lot is going well for me. It's just hard when the one person you thought would be there for you forever walks away.
Hey C2,
I sure hear you about being told about ex's antics. At least in the early years (now I don't care). I finally told the kids not to tell me. That time away from it actually did bring me peace.
Well - you can't go wrong with Disney World. I took the kids there every year and often stayed a month or so. If you need any ideas - I'm the girl! My daughter just went to Harry Potter last week and loved it!
So am I your best friend???? I am now in Fort Myers as a snowbird. I LOVE FLorida and just can't get enough. Back to Disney tommorrow for a couple of days then have friends coming from Key West, Rhode Island and New Brunswick for the w/e.
Anyway - making plans. Moving fwd. It is getting better.
Barb
HI Clinging. I think, you need to work on your poker face. I have the same issue. Although, I don't think of my XW on a daily basis and I am NOT jealous of her new dude, it is INCREDIBLY uncomfortable when she brings him to my son's baseball games.
Hey...I grab my glove, get out behind the plate, and warm him up, or, get back in the dugout and keep coaching with the manager.
I think, even in the best of worlds, you adapt,but, as I said in a recent post, some areas may never adjust. So, you find a way to make it work. Perhaps, next time, a "that's wonderful", or, an "I'm glad your mom's happy now", is better than an "I don't want to hear about it anymore".
Just a thought.
Something to think about over your next hot cup of joe. As my other buddy here told me...something HIS dad told him that HE tells his son now, and, I TELL MY SON NOW: "Tough times don't last. Tough men do".
Always recall my friends here. FIB
Perhaps, next time, a "that's wonderful", or, an "I'm glad your mom's happy now", is better than an "I don't want to hear about it anymore".
I had lunch with my youngest daughter the last couple of days. On the first day she told me several times just how happy her mom is with 'Steve'. I told her that "I wish your mom health, happiness, and love". I can't describe how it felt to say that, and mean it, to our daughter. All I can say is that it felt good. Still does. And it helps me 'let go' of those things that are unhealthy for me to hang on to.
I also sent the following to my ex..........
"Ex, I'm happy that you found love again. After all, you are someone who has meant a lot in my life, and you're the mother of my children. I want happiness and love for you.
antlers"
I felt, and still do, the same thing that I described above.
Antlers, I think or hope that someday I'll get there with XW. I felt I was headed in the right direction and was surprised at how down I've felt in the last month.
Fib, I am trying to prepare for the day this guy or some guy shows up at D13 or D9 events. It'll come and I actually had a bit of a panic attack when I considered he might be at her 13th birthday party.
Who knows how life will turn out? I can't dread the future. I want all of my girls "big" moments to be happy ones -- first real boyfriend, homecoming, prom, high school and college graduation and weddings. I do not want the girls to have to worry about me when planning these things. So I have to man up and I will -- with time.
SFO, my best friend is the CFO of a data company down there and this will be our second trip to visit since the breakup. Key West will be new. I can't wait for the Catamaran trip.
If there's one thing I can cling to it is the fun I have taking my daughters places. When I'm dead and gone I want their memories not to be dominated by the sad divorce but rather by all the things we experienced together.
I can't erase the divorce. They asked me a sad question a couple of weeks ago. "Are we doomed. Are we going to get divorced to because our parents are divorced?"
I told them that love is a choice. People get married because they feel the love. But that fades, even in the best of marriages, and it comes down to deciding to be in love.
I told them I wasn't taught that by my parents. My dad died before we could talk about stuff like this and my mom was a "feel" love person. She went from relationship to relationship thinking this was the magical one only to jump ship once the honeymoon effect was over.
Antlers, I think or hope that someday I'll get there with XW. I felt I was headed in the right direction and was surprised at how down I've felt in the last month.
Again, in your own time bro. I can relate to the "down" feelings. They happen. As do setbacks. But overall, as long as the movement continues to be forward...regardless of how slow or small the steps are, you're making progress. That's a good thing.
IT is making me move my photos off my work computer. I've accumulated a lot of stuff. Most of it made me smile.
Another shoe dropped today. D13 is in the second weekend of her latest round of youth theater plays. I went to opening night last Friday and bought tickets for the Saturday and Sunday afternoon plays.
I am fairly sure XW knows I was coming to those plays. I remember texting her to that fact and telling D13 as well.
XW brought the boyfriend. She did not give me the heads up that he would be there.
In the intermission, I was upstairs buying popcorn and water. D13 was selling raffle tickets. I bought one from here. She said "mom just bought 15."
I looked and there was XW talking to about four people. Usually, she's back stage so I wasn't expecting to see her.
I decided to move to the opposite side of the lobby to finish my popcorn. I looked over and there he was -- motorcycle guy -- standing next to her. I moved a bit to make sure.
She looked so happy. And I froze. I knew it was coming but I wasn't ready for it to be today. I turned and headed to my car and I've been on the phone with all the divorced friends I have since.
There were five plays this weekend. I could have gone to the other four had I known he was coming. To me, it was damn heartless not to tell me. But she's never told me the truth about this guy. She denied they were dating in summer 2009. She denied she went on the South Dakota trip with him. I only found out they were dating again because D13 told me.
I ran this past all of the divorced friends. And they encouraged me to text her instead of burying it.
So I sent her this:
"I believe I told you that I was coming to the afternoon plays Saturday and Sunday. I would have appreciated a heads up that you were bringing your boyfriend."
That may make me look week. But I want to know if this guy is going to be somewhere at the same time I am so I can be mentally ready. 20 years from now I won't care, but it's still an open wound. Not telling me when she knows I'm going to be there is pretty heartless.
Hi CTH. Buddy, I know if hurts. And I empathise with you, regarding that hurt. But the truth is, you two are divorced. And she does not 'owe' you a heads up that her boyfriend is going to be with her when she goes somewhere...even if she knows you are going to be there. I'm on your side dude...but I believe you're wrong about this.
Stay as strong as you can for your daughter. Never tire of doing what is right. I'm sorry that you're hurting.
Sorry buddy. It hurts but like antlers said, you're divorced. She owes you nothing and is living her life.
Perhaps I'm different. I remember when I was dating DHU_41, I kind of plotted things out in my head. I'd planned to bring her to this weekend's plays. We would have been dating 4 months. I planned on getting two tickets and then texting XW to say I'd be bringing a date, someone I'd been seeing 4 months.
To me, that's common courtesy. True, she doesn't "owe" me anything. I guess I just hoped for some consideration to my feelings. Mishka, I am guessing you would have done that for Gabe.
But this is the same woman who didn't even ask what I was having surgery for in 2009 and never once called to ask if I was OK.
She wouldn't have cared if you had texted her that. She'd have probably thought "Why is he texting me that? We are divorced! He can do what's he wants...he doesn't have to give me a heads up about anything!"
You miss the emotional connection with her. I understand that...I can relate. But for her, there is no emotional connection anymore.
While it is obvious that you still care about her feelings she has been done for a long time. Sure she would care if you were in an accident sort of thing but otherwise, she is way past this. Let her go. It's over.
kat
Hi C2H: I totally "get" how you feel. I agree with Gineen. She might have been considerate enough to let you know but she didn't. Texting her was wrong. It sure won't help things.
But anyway - I am sorry that you are hurt - that really [censored]. I hope things get better after this.
Barb
No, I wouldn't have told him anything. Heck, he showed up with the broom at our son's football game when we were separated, not divorced. So, courtesy was far out the window.
Once its done and they've moved on, its really time to just let it go. You will be happier in the long run.
She texted back that she thought I had tickets Friday not -- not today....
Just a long, emotionally trying day. I bounce back and forth. I read a book, the Journey from Abandonment to Hope. One of the exercises in it is to imagine your life in five and 10 years. And right now it's such a muddled mess that I can't imagine myself in five years -- and I can't imagine myself happy.
I went out with a divorced friend for drinks. In some respects, I'm way ahead of him. He lets his XW get under his skin about kid stuff, then he lets off steam around them and the result is they are closer to the X than they are to him.
I've been pretty good at that. My relationship with the girls remains strong.
Another friend is divorced. His XW makes $10k more a year, just a got a big raise while he hasn't had one in three years and she's taking him to court for more child support.
There was lots to talk about. I remember hearing stories about divorces where one spouse moves hours away, severely reducing the amount of time they see their kids. I couldn't understand that until now. I wished I could just pack up and start over somewhere else. I can't though. I'd never leave D13 and D9.
I want to conquer this the right way. I want to come out of this a better person. I found some peace in thinking "What would Jesus do?"
He'd be happy for XW. She certainly looked happy today. He'd focus on his own journey and the journey of D13 and D9.
I need sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.
In a way, if we get the running races again this year, this was the end of winter. March through October my life revolves around the girls and my part-time running race job.
It was a mild but long winter. I have to remember I made this choice to be alone. DHU-41 wanted a long-term relationship and I let that go. There were so many red flags that I don't regret it, but I also wonder if I wouldn't have put more effort into it if I knew XW was dating someone.
The truth of the matter is that my emotional well being still revolves around XW and I have to change that. 98 percent of the time I'm doing well. I have to get to 100 percent though. That last 2 percent is a hell of a bridge.
You haven't been divorced a year yet, it takes time. I just don't understand people, usually men, that feel they need to date right away. you have gone throgh a trauma and you need to give yourself time to heal. Why don't you?
It would be like going through major surgery and the next day thinking you could run a marathon. It just can't happen.
Kat
Just a long, emotionally trying day.
Those happen. It's a slow progression. There are setbacks, and backsliding. Boy [color:#FF0000]the overall progress will be forward...even if it's slow...even if the steps are small. [/color]
I bounce back and forth. And right now it's such a muddled mess that I can't imagine myself in five years -- and I can't imagine myself happy. I understand that feeling. I don't think it's an uncommon one...especially for the LBS. there are probably plenty of folks who have felt the same way...who later wondered that they ever felt that bad at one time!
I've been pretty good at that. My relationship with the girls remains strong. That's a great thing! Embrace it...and keep it up!
I want to conquer this the right way. I want to come out of this a better person. I found some peace in thinking "What would Jesus do?"
He'd be happy for XW. She certainly looked happy today. He'd focus on his own journey and the journey of D13 and D9. Yes He would. You can too. If you're able to do it, I think it would help you to do so. It's helping me.
I need sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. Sleep is such a peaceful requiem from the hurt. Hope you get what ya' need.
The truth of the matter is that my emotional well being still revolves around XW and I have to change that. 98 percent of the time I'm doing well. I have to get to 100 percent though. That last 2 percent is a hell of a bridge. yes it does...and I understand. Letting go is a hard thing. Much effort, and time, and action...is required to do it.
C2H: You have not been divorced that long. It takes a much longer time to get past those awful feelings. I hate to tell you - but you are not anywhere near the 98% mark. But you will only know this down the road - when you look back.
You would have put more effort into a relationship that you knew was not right for you if you knew ex was dating someone else????
WTF????
That has to be one of the single dumbest things I have ever read on this bb.
That is not one bit about what is best for you. Or what is best for your family. It is totally about using another person as a drug to make you feel better. That is totally absurd!!!
It takes a long, long time to get past the emotional beating we all experienced when our spouses left. Even longer if our spouses cheated on us. But if you have learned ANYTHING here - it is that we heal ourselves first before we bring another person into the picture. I thought you learned that after making a couple of poor choices in the dating world. Which you were in no way ready for anyway. But to actually think about working harder (or wishing you had) on a R that would have been disastrous for you? How is that moving forward? Does that mean you'd rather have ANYBODY rather than be alone. And because you'd be keeping up with your ex???? That is ridiculous.
OK - have your pity party today. First time I went somewhere (the funeral home) that ex brought his affair partner (now his wife) - I fell apart emotionally. (so I really DO understand how you feel). I left and cried all the way home. But I didn't run for comfort at a bar and pick up the first guy who bought me a drink (metaphorical). I vented to my friends. Licked my wounds. And vowed to continue working on the life I wanted for myself.
Ex has a controlling, cheating, predatory female who he is now married to. I have a loving, sharing, equal partner in my life. I waited until I was ready to find the right person for me. I did NOT settle.
Now stop with the crap thinking. It is ridiculous.
And I have one more thing to say that has really bothered me here when I have been reading. Anyone facing bankruptcy should not be planning a trip to Disney World. This is the mentality that has put this country where it is today. You should be getting a 2nd or 3rd job and getting YOURSELF back on your feet - not waiting for an insurance settlement or an easy out. Bankruptcy should not be the option. It is way too easy here.
Not what you want to read but there is much truth in my post.
Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Life goes on and you can make yours happy.
Good job on the parenting, though. You get big points for that!
Barb
Last night I did feel like I'd rather have anybody than be alone. Tough night. The funny thing was when I was out with my friend Church_31 (now 32) showed up with a friend.
We talked for a few minutes and she went off somewhere else. I thought about her this morning. I really, really fell for Church_31 over the summer and, even though I wasn't sure she felt the same way, I made my feelings known ... and it didn't work out.
If it had worked out I wouldn't be having this kind of morning. I was really into her and I wouldn't have cared what happened with XW.
If I look at my adult life, I was in college 3 1/2 years before I found a significant other. After college it was a full year on my own before I found someone. When that didn't work out I ran into XW about six months later.
So I know in my head it takes time. I remember feeling really down then too.
In those cases though, when it was over, it was over. I never ran into them anywhere. Now it's different? It's like having to sit in class with the high school sweetheart who broke up with you.
Right now I'm counting miseries instead of my blessings.
Barb, I understand your point about the bankruptcy. It's something I wrestled with for 18 months. I actually have four jobs and donate plasma regularly for more money. But to get a lower child support payment I took on all of the credit card debt. My first few months out of the house I added to it getting set up and just getting out.
Then I spent a year living as frugally as possible, not taking the girls anywhere, and I was still only able to chip away $1,500 of the principal.
So I did the math. At that rate, I wasn't going to be out of debt for at least seven years. My oldest daughter would be 18 by that time and I would have put no more into her college fund.
You only enjoy your kids childhood once and I finally decided bankruptcy is the route to go. I could wipe out all my debts -- my car, my legal bills. I'm not. I'm just wiping out the credit cards I inherited in the divorce.
At that point, I'll be able to refinance my car loan and the some of my legal bills through my 401(k). That'll wipe out more payments.
I will finally be to the point that my regular job almost covers my monthly expenses and all of these side jobs can go to college funds and travel.
I don't spend money willy nilly. I have a piece of paper on my fridge where I track my income and expenses of every two weeks, my assets and debts monthly, my current balances and my lowest monthly balance.
It's beyond OCD, but I stare at it every day when I'm getting something to eat. This bankruptcy is going to be a major embarrassment and humbling. Six years ago I thought I had all the answers. In the past three I'll have gotten divorced and gone bankrupt -- and someday down the line XW still is likely to lose the house to foreclosure and I'm on that loan too.
So that's kind of the trifecta of adult failure. If God tears people down to build them back up, I've been knocked to the floor in lots of different ways.
BUT if I count my blessings it is the girls. I am friends with a business man in town who is going through a very expensive divorce. He has a temper and he's allowed his XW to use it against him to the point he hasn't seen his 9-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son since January. His 16-year-old is above the manipulation and is going to court to get more time with his father.
But losing your kids, he says, is even worse than losing a wife and I can see that.
In the end, it's their opinion that matters most. When I'm all gone, I want them to remember that I was someone who didn't quit, who kept going and who was always there when they needed them. And the fun. I want them to remember the fun we had and not the sadness.
So that keeps me going. As Andy Stanley says, your path leads to your destination. If you get in the car and drive north, you'll never reach Florida. I feel off the path yesterday. I have to get back on it today.
Build a life for yourself and your kids. Slowly, in pieces. don't worry, you are not going to miss anything.
That's pretty good advice...especially coming from someone who's only 31.
As you know, getting left behind injures your self-esteem and self-worth. And you feel that if you're not moving on as quickly as your WAS is, that there's something wrong with you. And that dIminishes an already weakened self-esteem and self-worth.
I think attitude and reasoning have a lot to do with it. We have to learn to think in more healthy ways...in addition to doing as Gineen advised.
Gineen has come a very long way. It was just last year I think that several of us were tired of beating our heads against the wall for her. She just wasn't getting it. Almost every post was referencing her ex.
I think that when it finally sinks in, you are able to open your eyes and see what kinds of things that you need to move on. Do we all kind of miss what might have been? Sure, but we don't stay on that channel. We get up and get moving!
Kat
I am very proud of you Gineen. I do see the difference. I am not sure people that haven't followed your situation realize the rocky road you have traveled. Big hugs, you are doing great!
kat
I think we all can relate to 'control your emotions, or they will control you'. When we don't detach, we run the risk of becoming out of control of our emotions and experiencing greater low self-esteem and low self-worth as a result. This, at a time when we need to feel more worthy, not less.
That was a hurdle to cross. Last of D13's plays for this theater production. I did not go to the lobby though for intermission. I just stayed in my seat this time.
She did very well. She's still basically a bit player, but they gave her more responsibility this year. She's been involved with this theater troup for five years and this is her 13th play. She's skipping the third one this season though because she has a school play to work on and ... I don't think her mother can afford another one right now.
Several of the talented leads are aging out, you are done at 18, so there's going to be a lot of shuffling. The 15, 16-year-old kids are going to move up to leading roles and the 13, 14-year-olds will have more opportunity for supporting roles.
So next year things should really start moving for her.
My hope, no my plan, is to be strong enough by the fall to get back involved in the theater group. I backed off entirely after the breakup because XW is so heavily into it. I just didn't want to be around her.
But today I was just sad because my weakness is keeping me from sharing this stuff with D13. I had tears in my eyes during the whole play. I always sit front row so D13 knows I'm there. She's turning out very well. She's going to be a better person than me.
I did do a good thing today though. Two of the top performers were in their last play. They both go to college in the fall. They've been wonderful to both D13 and D9, even when D9 is at her craziest. They are also the kids of XW's best friend in the production. They are wonderful people, but I've stayed away from anyone who has helped XW during the divorce. I saw them as enablers. So I stopped at the store, bought them a graduation card, wrote them each $25 checks for college (enough to buy a used book) and thanked them for helping my daughters.
Oh, side thing. And it's funny. After seeing church_31 last night, she texted me today. She hadn't done that since July when she shot me down -- it ended on good terms. So we exchanged several texts and I called her and we talked for 30 minutes.
She had another relationship go south and this time it cost her. She rented out her house to move in with her boyfriend -- she didn't want to, but he put the full court press on and she's going back to school and struggling financially -- then she discovered he was playing around on her. So now she's living with her parents.
Sigh.
I really like this girl, but I know -- or doubt her interest in me will change. That's disappointing but OK. I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not be in it.
She's the type of person though I would like to be with eventually. She has excellent parents and lots of faith. Hurdles come along, stuff that would knock me for a loop, and she just motors on trusting that there's a plan.
I really want to be more like her. And talking to her got me out of my own head for a while.
The Livestrong website has a ton of good information on it. This particular bit of info. was posted on this board recently, and it's good stuff. I read it all...and so much of it is appliocable to folks in our situation. Here it is:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/Bottom line: If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, then you are gonna be profoundly under that person's control.
It was just a very funny weekend. The bottom line this morning was this realization -- if Church-31 was in my life, I wouldn't care who XW was/is with.
My pride is hurt, that's all. I don't miss XW. Just talking to church-31 yesterday erased Saturday's hurt.
I doubt anything will come of it, but church-31 is the kind of person I will wait for.
I was thinking this morning about the difference of DHU-41 and Church-31. Going out with DHU-41 was fun, but once I had to start calculating how to integrate her into life with D9, D13 and, in a round about way, XW, my enthusiasm waned -- like air rushing from a balloon.
I wasn't sure if it was because I missed XW or DHU-41 wasn't the right person. I have my answer. I don't think I'd have any reservations about bringing Church-31 into their lives. If anything, I'd have to hold back from doing it too soon.
Again, I just have to be patient. I know what I want and I'm not going to settle. I also kind of have to get back out there again.
After all of the crap over the past three years, for me at least...it's a matter of 'being' the right person instead of 'finding' the right person.
CTH, right now, at the present time...do you thing you're the 'right' person for someone else?
Um CTH, the lady just ended a R where she'd moved in with a guy cuz she felt pressured to do so...doesn't that kind of concern you a bit? She's saying " Hey, I make bad decisions". Now, if that was a few years ago and she'd learned from it that's one thing but it's NOW! Think long and hard about "waiting" for anyone. What you get isn't always what you were waiting for.
You guys, I think are over reading this.
Church 31 is the kind of person I'd like to be with. I'm not saying or even thinking I'm going to end up with her. She just considers me a friend and once a women sees you as a friend that's what you'll always be. All these movies about the friend winning the girl is Hollywood crap.
Yes. She has made some poor decisions about men. I met her last two boyfriends. I didn't like either one of them. In the movies, she'd magically realize someone better is right in front of her. This isn't the movies. I'll just enjoy talking to her again for a while.
I went through the list months ago of what I do admire about her. There's no reason to bring it back up. Her positive traits are what I'm going to wait for in someone.
When I was dating DHU-41, I wondered why I just didn't feel more for her. I wondered if I just wasn't over XW. I see that's not the case. It's just I haven't found someone I'm all that excited about.
Antlers, short answer. Yes I do think I'm the right person for someone else. But I'm picky. A friend of mine says I should be dating all the time. I'm not going to settle. It'll have to be perfect. What happened this weekend is that for a few hours there I was back to feeling that "XW is winning." It was a bad place to be and I've climbed out of it.
This site is my online diary more than anything, and I wanted to get the pain down because someday I'm going to be in a much better place and I'll want to read these posts to see how far I've come.
Gineen, I wasn't mentally planning Church-31 into meeting the girls. I was just pointing out that when I had to start thinking about integrating DHU-41 into my/their lives, I realized I really didn't want to and that was pretty telling.
I don't get the slow down advice. I never have. We separated in May 2009 and divorced in June 2011. I've dated -- meaning multiple dates -- two women and gone on single dates with two others. To me, that's very patient. I'm not out every night chasing whoever winks at me. I'm usually working, working out or with the girls.
Look, tomorrow is never promised to anyone. My best friend just had a stroke. He's 41 and in outstanding physical shape. It turns out he had a head injury when he was younger and it damaged an artery. Surrounding arteries were making up for it and he did an especially hard workout and had a full stroke.
He's extremely lucky. He's made a full recovery. No neurological deficits or anything. I just had a car accident in November and was very lucky to walk away from it.
So I don't get the slow down advice. I'll have plenty of time to rest when I'm dead.
Saturday night I felt "desperate" to be with someone. That was the shock and hurt feelings and open wounds and pride talking. I hadn't felt desperate in a long time. In fact, walking away from DHU-41 felt very good. She wasn't the right person and I wasn't going to waste my time on the wrong person.
I'm actually pretty satisfied with how things are going. If anything, I'd gotten too comfortable. This was a reminder that XW is not going to be knocking on my door again. She's dead to me. I don't care about her hopes or dreams or fears or failures or loves or successes. Just treat my daughters well and keep our lives as separate as humanly possible.
I was out last night and tonight with that developer friend. He's just interesting to talk to and he understands what I'm going through. Tomorrow night I'm going with a coworker to watch two local high school teams play for a trip down state.
Wednesday I have the girls and we're going to go bike riding now that spring is here.
Thursday I have a free night. I'll probably go for a run and talk to the leader of our church growth group. She's stepping down. I'd like to keep it going, but it's a 20s-30s group and I'm almost 43 so I feel a little strange. Another girl in the group wants to take it over, but she wants to move it to the weekends. I can't do many weekends. So we have to decide what's going to happen.
Friday morning is a bummer. I have an IEP meeting for D9 with XW. I'll be tense.
This weekend I have the girls and a friend from the growth group wants to do a bowling night. So I'll get out and do that. Of course I'll probably wonder what XW is doing. I'm still not past that. But that's less and less and I bounce back more quickly.
Financially, the first running race is in two weeks. If we get asked to do it that means we're in for eight races this year and I'm going to have a good year. I'll actually be able to put some money away so I can SLOW DOWN next year.
I'm not one to sit still. When I sit still, my brain wanders too much. Onward and upward.
The people that are telling you to date, have they been divorced? Do they understand all the mixed emotions that one has to work through? Do they understand that if you aren't in a solid place, feeling comfortable alone in your own skin that you are not in a place to be with someone else?
Almost every post is about finding someone or ex. You need to get to where you don't feel the NEED to be with someone. You are fine meeting friends, going out alone. No thought of a lady beside you...just you. Once you get to that point then you can start to think about dating. You attract who you are...think about the lady you just stopped seeing. Can't you see, she wasn't ready to date? She is still seeking validation outside of herself.
I hope you will take some time and think about what I've said.
kat
Do they understand that if you aren't in a solid place, feeling comfortable alone in your own skin that you are not in a place to be with someone else?
^^^^^^^
That's exactly what I meant when I said what I did.
Gineen, I don't think I'll ever not care. The only that will help with that will be time.
As far as dating, it's like riding a bike. If you fear getting hurt or don't feel "ready" you'll never get on the bike.
Again, I've been out on exactly -- I counted it up -- 11 dates in three years. And you guys want me to slow down? I might as well move to Alaska and hunt elk.
As far as the point about all the posts being about XW. I don't think that's true, but there's no reason to argue. They have been lately because I went through a shock. When things are going well I drift away from the boards. When I'm processing something I come back here to record it for some future date.
Again, I've been out on exactly -- I counted it up -- 11 dates in three years. And you guys want me to slow down? I might as well move to Alaska and hunt elk.
Hey, SDA Lady's sister lives in Alaska. She could set you up with a job at the local McDonald's ...no Quarter Elk burgers with cheese, I don't think so anyway.
Hey, it's good to think about what you'd like in a partner but it's also good to realize that you can be alone and be OK. Slow and steady, less thought about filling the void with another and more thought to being you and loving it. Hang in there, my man!
Had a fun night. Two teams from my area were playing in my old college town for a chance at the state tournament. So a coworker and I went down. One lousy game. One great game and it was like a YMCA basketball reunion. I ran into at least 50 guys I've played with or against over the past 30 years.
That should make me feel old. Instead, I feel pretty young.
Sounds like a great time, young fella lol!
IEP meeting tomorrow morning with XW. I think things are going pretty well with D9. She may always be a square peg that won't fit in a round hole. My concerns are for future years. She's getting all A's and B's so this year has gone well after a very rough start.
I bought a big wiffle ball bat and D9 keeps asking to bat. This one is thick so it's easy to hit with. She's always been very athletic, but she gets distracted easily and she gives up if she doesn't have instant success. So this is just for fun. The weather has been just beautiful the last two days and we've already gone bike riding, visited the beach. I'm really looking forward to summer.
Emailed the running race company today, hopefully finding out whether or not I'll be working March 23-24. If we're in, I'm going to have a very good year financially. If not, well, it'll be a bit of a struggle.
It [censored] having to go season by season, but that's the hand I've been dealt.
Still struggling with worry. Haven't been able to slow down my brain. Trying to sing along in the car to focus myself.
It's great that things are going good with your daughter and you. That's a blessing. You must be doing something right when it comes to her. Keep it up.
Continue to detach from your XW.
It's really a strength to value and respect ourselves enough.....to let go of people who don't value or respect us.
CTH,
WTF would you consider doing bankruptcy without including the bad house debt????
That's kind of insane, and I'm not at all sure it is legal/possible.
In any case, you should absolutely, under ZERO conditions, sacrifice your future financial stability for XW. Do not.
Oldtimer, once I found out I could include the house it made the bankruptcy decision easy.
I didn't want to be in a situation where I got myself back on my feet, some money in the bank only to have the mortgage holders come after me if XW loses the house in foreclosure.
That can happen. The mortgage holders can go after the people who lost the house to make up for their loss. I've only seen a couple of banks do that here and normally only against people with assets.
So I don't think it would be likely they'd come after me, but I wanted to protect myself in case they did.
It doesn't affect XW in any way. If she can make the payments and stay fine. If not and she loses it then I'm protected. I think this also will end the collection calls to me over this debt.
My long-term worry there is that if XW loses the house she may move to a different school district. But I have no control over that and am trying to let those thoughts go.
IEP meeting went well. I listened to a Christian station on the way up and the chorus of one song stuck with me.
"You are more than the decisions that you made."
"You are more than the sum of the past mistakes you made."
"You are more than the trouble you create."
"You've been remade."
So I hummed that to myself during the meeting.
So glad to hear D9 is doing so much better!!!! That's awesome!
I still don't get how you are going to have a great year financially despite having to sell your blood, wait for an insurance settlement and file for bankruptcy. It does not add up.
A country that allows this to happen is foreign to me. One can understand why the country is in the situation it is with foreclosures around every corner. And everyone wants a "bailout" like it is an earned right.
DOES NOT COMPUTE!
I have had years of feast and years of famine but I have worked through them. No matter what you say - there are ways.
Barb
So Barb, there's no personal bankruptcy in Canada?
Perhaps there's not as much need, because here in the States, the largest percentage of bankruptcies are due to medical bills. Someone has a catastrophic illness, and either doesn't have insurance or their insurance policy copayments are so high that it ruins them financially.
Ellie: many people do it just to get out of debt. Of course there is personal bankruptcy in Canada but the number does not compare. My point is about the reason to do it
Barb
Multi-billion dollar corporations do it all the time in this country...strictly to get out of debt. IF they are allowed to do it...then individuals should be allowed to do it too.
I'm not saying it's a good thing...it's certainly abused by both corporations and individuals.
But to gag at knats and swallow camels...that's not right either.
If we're gonna disallow individuals from doing it...then billion dollar corporations should FIRST be disallowed from doing it.
Bankruptcy here isn't as easy as it once was. The majority of them no long wipe out debt, they just reorganize it into a more manageable level with payments governed by the courts.
My mom would have been completely destitute and not have been able to have dialysis if it weren't for the American Kidney Foundation. They paid over $30,000 per month for the portion of her dialysis treatments that Medicare and her supplemental insurance didn't cover. The majority of people here don't have that option though.
CTH, what type of bankruptcy are you doing?
Didn't mean to ruffle any feathers or start an international controversy. I just think it is too easy to do and too often abused. By individuals and corporations. I think that - just like getting credit cards - it is easy to do but causes many more problems than it solves.
Barb
Chapter 7.
Originally, Barb challenged me to get a second job.
Let's see. I have my full-time job.
I write blog posts for my sister.
I run the scoreboard in the winter for a high school.
I used to -- there's an issue this year -- to work eight weekends a summer at running races.
The running race gig is in peril so today I've been calling around to see if I could umpire little league games. Doing the math, I need an extra $400 to $600 over the summer to bridge the gap until the high school scorekeeping starts again in the fall.
I don't think lack of effort is the issue.
Look, I write about personal finance and bankruptcy so this is a huge embarrassment. It's going to follow me forever. I wouldn't have done it if there was any other way to climb out before the girls are off to college.
I track everything and there was no way. My XW makes $10k more a year than I do and now I give her an additional $11k. It's frustrating that the debt she ran up sank me. I'm trying not to dwell.
And Barb now that I've made the decision, if it upsets you that I plan to put money away towards my girls' college education and take them on vacation, I can't help that and I won't apologize.
Your kids are only kids once and my XW chose to take half their childhood from me. I wasn't going to eat ramen noodles for 10 years and sit home every summer because of debt she compiled.
I did not write off my car loan or legal bills even though I could have. Those were my debts. I wrote off the ones she ran up and stuck me with.
The main problem with bankruptcy is that people don't change their habits after they file. They just continue to wrack up debt again.
That's not the case with me. I hate debt and borrowing. I married someone who has to have things now and I caved the last three years we were married hoping she'd snap out of her funk.
I don't plan on ever having a car payment again. I don't plan on paying a cent of credit card interest again. I need a new couch and computer. I'll buy them after I've saved enough to pay cash.
The accident settlement will be divvied up into the various savings funds, college accounts and quite a bit set aside for emergencies.
It's a done issue anyway. Filed and finished.
Sounds like a good plan CTH. Living with debt is painful and not something I would wish on anyone.
I have debt. It pains me greatly. I barely can make the minimum payments and some months I make choices between that or putting food on the table. Considering I have a teenage boy to feed, you know what wins!
Meeting Monday about little league umpiring.
Fired off my now annual email about summer break for the girls.
There's 11 weeks this year because we had no snow days. I'm off 3 1/2. XW is off 2. D13 is going to go to one overnight camp and another theater camp. D9 wants to go to three camps.
That means there are 3 1/2 open weeks for D13 and 2 1/2 weeks for D9. D13 keeps saying she'll be fine sitting home by herself. I think it's lazy parenting to do that. Plus, she's 13, boy issues have been paramount and I just don't like leaving her alone that much. There are several friends that have their kids home during the summer that we could approach about having her stay there.
This sparks an annual argument. So we'll see how that goes over.
Both of our sets of parents had stay at home moms so we could go anywhere and do anything, but the parents were home.
I am curious as to how the accident settlement isn't going to be taken when you file bankruptcy. I hated to do it and if ex could have seen the writing on the wall instead of being in his MLC fog, it may have been avoided. It wasn't so I can't go back.
All of my money accept for the $100 they allow you to have was in my Retirement accounts which they can't touch. They will see your settlement even if it hasn't been paid to you yet.
So you have filed already for bankruptcy? Has it been settled yet? Just curious. I know I filed mine in April, went to court in May and it was cleared in July. This was all in 2009. So I got to go through 2 years of Hades dealing with the divorce and then the bankruptcy. Cash for clunkers came out shortly after my Bankruptcy was cleared. I had saved like crazy and my dad co-signed for my new car. I am ahead on payments and that and my house payment have gotten me back into an excellent credit rating.
I am a work in progress. kat
The lazy parent comment got me! I work full time, my boys work part time and I do arrange things for my girls to do with my parents every now and then. I can't afford to take all summer off though I would love to. Just realize that not everyone has your flexablity in scheduling. Rant over.
kat
OUCH!
I was home alone all summer, every summer. My mom and dad worked and they couldn't afford any kind of 'daycare' or to have me go to camps. I entertained myself and had chores that were required to be done by the time they got home.
If D13 wants to stay home for a few weeks and 'veg', why is that going to hurt her? How is that lazy parenting? She does have a right to gain a tiny bit of independence doesn't she?
I've never understood the mindset of parents who think their kids have to be busy and entertained every second of every day. That just eventually turns them into dissatisfied adults.
They need a chance to be responsible and to be creative. My d13 has written a few stories and now is crazy about drawing. She has been really into it for a year. No teachers, she has been teaching herself through books and on line programs. My oldest, S19 was teaching himself German before he stepped in the classroom. He is ahead of his German 2 class in college and is tutoring as well.
Just a couple of examples. My parents couldn't stay home with me either. My mom worked for the phone company and she had better be on her death bed to call in sick. Don't even think of calling in because of your kids.
Kat
Plus, she's 13, boy issues have been paramount and I just don't like leaving her alone that much.
Ummm....no WAY would I leave a boy-crazy 13 year old girl home alone for several weeks in the summer. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Sure, some kids are fine doing that. I don't want to leave it up to chance though. Because for every kid who was "fine" left alone I can bring up several others who gave into temptation.
So I strongly disagree with anyone on here who thinks leaving a 13-year-old female home alone unsupervised for days at a time is a good idea.
Sorry if the term lazy parenting struck some the wrong way, but I won't back down from it. XW leaves them home alone because she's too lazy to call friends to see if they can hang out there. And she is trying to save money -- which comes from her decision to D.
XW's mom gave her and her two sisters all kinds of "veg" time growing up so her mom could just sit in her room reading romance novels. None of them went to college. All three of them were having sex by age 15. They all are a mess.
XW responded that she's looking into a couple of camps for D13 and will have D13 spend more time with her grandmother at their campground. It looks like there may be one week where they are home alone. I don't mind one week with D13 and D9 home alone together.
Kat, my attorney told me once the bankruptcy is filed I get to start over. He just cautioned me not to refinance my 401k loan and pay off my car until after the trustee's meeting on April 19. Not that that's against the law, it just gives a bad appearance.
I don't plan on ever taking out a car loan again. I will save money and whatever I have saved plus the trade in will be what I buy in five years. I don't plan on borrowing on anything other than a mortgage -- and that will be at least two years from now and I won't buy anything that I can't put 10 percent down on.
I have hated debt since I was 25 and was always frustrated with XW's need to buy, buy, buy. The only way we ever saved was when I did it secretly.
A co-worker who is 31 and pretty flighty was talking about these $650 sunglasses she bought. I just kept my mouth shut. Her husband is an electrician. They make good money and she makes good money, but they have one kid and want more and life gets interesting once those expenses build if you still want the latest fashion. XW and I always made enough -- she just upped her spending every time we got a raise. It was a recipe for disaster.
Good night with girls last night, although I had to leave for 90 minutes to listen to a speech for work.
Everything was going well until D9 was in bed. She started crying because she had a bad morning at school. She was sorry "because keep trying to help" her and she's mean to them. She's upset that she's still in special education and not in the general classroom. There's just a quarter of school left and "that's not enough time." She wants to be back in the general classroom. She wants to be "just a normal kid."
She asked why did God make her that way.
Ugh. It put my mental struggles in perspective.
She asked why did God make her that way.
Ugh. It put my mental struggles in perspective.
Because He knows how strong she is and that she will get through this struggle, be a shining example to others and be someone who will understand and be there for others when they have probems. Sound plausible?
I mostly listened and tried to comfort her. She had a good day today. She is trying to collect phone numbers from friends so she can have them over in the summer.
Overall, D9 is making tremendous progress. That's why last night was so hard to hear.
Just finished moving my stuff at work. They relocated the newsroom from the third floor to the second. I like my location. I can stare out at the river.
It's a good change. Upstairs had bad mojo. There were so many job cuts the past few years you'd look at an empty desk and remember who used to be there.
Headed to church tonight for a little bit too. Had to meet with head of volunteers to work with kids on Easter. Also, had to interview to be leader of my Thursday night growth group. The old leader wanted out and I'm not ready to let it die yet.
Weekend is pretty well set. Hanging out with friends Friday night and Saturday night. Golf Saturday afternoon. Church Sunday and perhaps mentoring a high school kid. I really wish I'd see D9 this weekend. She'll probably ride her bike over, but I won't be home much.
Can't complain.
Met D13 after school and went to eat -- $37, ouch. She brought up XW and her "friend." Yes, she's met him and he's exactly the opposite of me. Doesn't talk. Older. Fatter. Just kind of a lump.
D9 has met him too, and D13 thinks she knows what's going on.
She asked again if I had anyone. I said no, that lady in December and January was nice, but there was going to be too many complications and I didn't feel enough for her to fight through them.
I told her that second marriages fail at a greater rate than first marriages and I'm not going to just latch on to someone.
Finally, we got off the subject.
Apparently, the BF was at my old house last week about 10 minutes before I got there. I'd let D9 take a friend to the river, instead they went to the other house. After 20 minutes I went to check on them. They weren't at the river so I figured they'd gone to the house. They were there and I made them come back.
I guess BF showed up to take the dog out.
I told D13 that the rule this summer is going to be they can't go over there unless they here from XW that she's there or that no one is there. I never, ever want to show up at my old house -- the one my parents owned -- and see this guy.
I really, really hope the house sells this summer.
Brought up anxious feelings again. I have to keep on the path. I'm getting some side work in now -- making money -- then heading to Friday night service to get refocused. I'm meeting a friend out later -- about 10 p.m. Golf tomorrow. Visit a friend and then out later.
Have to work in at least two workouts as well. Plus, I know this already is a lot, I want to tackle a long time hobby.
Interesting weekend so far. Friday night headed off to a special church service they have each week called Celebrate Recovery. It's for addicts of all kinds -- drugs, alcohol, sex, anger, co-dependency.
It's a nice option to have on a Friday night. They push the Serenity Prayer which is something I've strayed from.
After, instead of going to a sharing group -- which I just don't get into -- I saw one of my old divorce support group friends and I we sat down and caught up.
Then I headed over to a restaurant to watch basketball with a friend from a different church group. I love this church. It has vastly expanded my social options.
Ironically, another friend was already there and he joined us. It was interesting because they have something in common. Both are white men marrying or are married to black women. That's not common and it was fun listening to them ask each other what it was like to meet the family, etc.
The guy I met there is getting married at the end of May and they spent the last half hour brainstorming on who they could fix me up with.
Today, I got up and worked out, then headed to play golf, visited a friend to watch basketball and then met up with someone who is divorced as well, a couple years older, that I've really become close to.
We tried out a new place and it was OK. There were a couple of very pretty ladies there, but we estimated they were in their mid 20s. I talked to one of them for a while and left it at that.
I was tired from the workout and golf, but before I left a 24-year-old cousin of my best friend saw me and came to say hi. We're Facebook friends -- I'd forgotten that. Anyway, she plans on going back to get an MBA this fall as well and at the same college so we compared notes on what we need to get done by August. She's a good kid. It feels very weird to be socializing with people nearly half my age.
But with all the working out, I'm feeling pretty young right now.
Tomorrow, church, softball, two book projects, a blog post for my sister ... and then cleaning the house.
More reality setting in. D9 called and asked if she could come over rather than go to D13's theater strike party.
Sure. She could come to softball practice with me.
When she got there she told me the story of doing 100 flips at the mall on these rubber ropes and trampoline.
She was so excited. Then she told me she went with XW and her "friend." She asked if I was mad. I know I didn't look happy, but I said, "that's fine."
So this relationship is moving fast and becoming institutionalized and I have to get over that.
D9 and I had a good time at softball practice. We also stopped by the library and then a bike ride.
After I rode my bike into work -- it's really nice out.
But I'm hurting. I talked to the friend I was out with Friday about how long it took for him to feel natural with the fact other men were in his daughter's life.
That was an hour conversation.
Since, I've been at my computer getting some projects done but also listening to lots of past sermons from church.
Others have had it much worse than I have. I am frustrated I'm not powering through this better. The truth is I'm afraid. I'm scared deep down. I'm afraid I'll never find someone else. I'm afraid I won't get better and I'll drive my kids away. I'm afraid all the insults and names people called me as a kid are true.
I have an awful lot to be grateful for. I've come miles and miles and miles since 2009. My friend, who is getting married, has been divorced 12 years. He's getting married on May 25 and he's going to talk about his journey.
I can't wait to get to that day. The day the scars have faded and I've let it all go. I've never been very patient though. This is soooo difficult.
Still struggling. This weekend I had a full meltdown on Sunday. It's not just XW. There have been four women who I had very deep feelings for and all of them broke up with me. I really despaired over all of them. There's something in me that drives people away when they get very close. I have to fix that.
I have to pull myself together. I just have to, but it's going to take some time. I've been trying to control XW, my friends, my surroundings for decades now. To just let go and accept things as they come and concentrate on myself is going to take a long, long, long time.
I have to find new ways every day to turn my brain around when said or negative thoughts come into my head.
I have to accept that it's over.
A positive note. Little league umpiring is going to help a little this summer. I'll have to shell out some money for the initial equipment, but I should make it up and then some this year.
The league I want to umpire in runs mostly in May and June. By July 4 it's done and I can enjoy the rest of my summer.
C2H: Acknowledging it is the first step. Now you have to make a list of positive things you can do to stop sabotaging your progress.
I had a really tough time with it too. Accepting the reality of it was just killing me (and stresswise - it was). Finally I started trying the Stop Sign technique. When I started to think about him and her or the situation - I allowed myself just a minute to think about it then I said STOP and I redirected. I had to read, watch tv, do housework, phone a friend etc. But I forced myself to redirect.
I had to work seriously on my need to tell everyone what he did to me. I realized they were starting to glaze over. I was driving them away. With you - you have not healed yourself first and instead - against the advice you've been given - jumped into new Rs. And you got hurt all over again. You are SO not ready. And you are sending out the negative vibes and the "I'm not over what my wife did to me" message which prospective dates can read all over you.
Are you still in counselling? If not - go back. I had gone for a year then backed off. Then after some time - I went back again. Reassess. Make new goals. Get another opinion. A professional one.
And stop going near your ex wife's house other than to pull in the driveway and pick up the girls. Don't talk to the girl's about their mother. They have a right to love her without feeling "tainted" about it. And your ex wife has every right to date. She is divorced from you. Don't create drama where none should exist. Not for her, not for your daughters, not for new guy and especially not for yourself.
You know - sometimes we are our own worst enemies. Whoever angers us, also controls us. Do you really want to give your ex that power???? I'll bet she's not worrying about you.
Count your positives. You have many. I'll get you started.
1. You are a very good dad. Very involved with your girls.
Hang in there. It is still early days. Really it is. I was probably in a very similar place at the 2.5 year mark.
Barb
So Tuesday performance came and went. It was a series of nine different groups of kids performing skits and it was painfully bad.
Only two groups got applause. These two girls that D13 has had some competitive issues did a fine job on their skit and got applause.
Then D13 came out in a witch costume, doing a scene from wicked. There were two other girls -- D13's friends -- in the scene, but they were really window dressing. It was pretty much D13's scene. She picked it and basically directed it and nailed it.
They got the most applause and D13 just soaked up the attention after. If she really works at it, she can go pretty far in theater. She likes to be comfortable though.
I sat far to the left of XW, ex-MIL and D9. I'd been told beforehand BF wouldn't be there.
During play, I get a text. XW locked her keys in her car. Can I give ex-MIL and D9 a ride to get something to eat after. I said yes.
Instead, I ended up driving all of them home and it was bizarre. I gave ex-MIL a book I got for free at newspaper about Broadway. She was really happy.
When it was over a weight was off my shoulders. I get myself in such emotional knotts for these 'family' events where I know I'm going to have to see XW.
Next morning that developer friend of mine forwarded me a link of a man telling an audience the three things he learned when his plane crashed.
It was short and the most important thing to take away from it is he's going to eliminate negative energy from his life and try to be the best dad possible. He's still married. Still, I've been working on that for the past few days. Anytime negative energy creeps into my brain, take a deep breath and think of something else. Last year, I had a rallying cry that worked for a while. I just want everyone to come to my funeral. Some took it the wrong way, like I expect to die soon. I don't expect to die for a long, long time. When I do, I want EVERYONE I came in contact with to take time out to see me off.
The negative energy thing makes sense to me. Every time I see a picture of XW, or hear her voice or see her I just tense up. She's negative energy. I've been beating myself up for avoiding her, but she's probably always going to be negative energy.
Got a break this week. Co worker had the key umpiring gear -- mask, chest protector, shin guards. So that's $100+ initial cost I don't have to make.
That'll help.
At library with girls. D9 is reading to me as I type. Just finished responding to XW's email about summer camps. After pushing her to come up with a schedule where D13 wasn't left home alone she did just that.
D13 will spend a week with friends. A week with her grandmother. A week volunteering at camp. Two weeks in camp and the rest with either XW or I.
That works.
In the D agreement, I got in that I had to pay for the cost of five weeks of summer. Since I always take three or fouor weeks of vacation in the summer, that just leaves me a week I have to pay for. There's an extra week of summer though this year because there were no snow days.
Anyway, my cost for summer is going to be about $500.
If I don't get any running faces, the umpiring money will have to make that up. I was stressing this morning ... but that's negative energy.
I'm doing well taking a deep breath each time negative energy sinks in. It's such a familiar feeling. My brain stops, my hearts start beating and my body tenses up. The deep breath helps.
I'm going to pack up the computer. D13 just found us and we're going to the Y.
I have them through Tuesday because of spring break. Monday is my 43rd birthday. My only real plans with the girls are to pig out on carrot cake.
Church-31 and I are texting. I'm taking over as co-leader of our Growth Group. I am awfully busy, but I've made several really good friends through this group so when the former leader said she wanted to step down I decided to step up and keep it alive.
Just finished 4 1/2 days with girls. It's their spring break. I took Monday off to celebrate my 43rd birthday with them -- then ended up having to work for five hours.
So I stayed home today as well. I really, really, really had a good extended weekend with them. No arguments. Laid back, lazy days for the most part, but we got out bikeriding and swimming. D13 is heading in the right direction with her health. I've noticed she's cut way down on portions and she spends a lot of time bike riding or working on her dancing.
XW came and got them at 5:30 p.m. and I headed to meeting with the developer I'm supposed to be writing the book for.
He was in a lousy mood. He's actually taking his STBXW on vacation with him and his kids for 11 days to Australia. Basically, the 9-year-old daughter has sided with the mom and stopped coming to see him. He hasn't seen her since January. So he invited the STBXW with so the daughter would come to.
He's a great guy, but he's tempermental and I don't think this is going to turn out well. He's already complaining about changes STBXW wants to make on trip.
Finally, I said why not let her call all the shots for the 11 days. Just sit back and be the arranger. Give her an itinerary and if she doesn't like it, change it, no questions asked.
He's mulling it over.
Busy few weeks coming up. Volunteering a couple of services this week at church. April 19 trustee's meeting for bankruptcy. Then refinance 401(k) loan to pay off car. Need to finish getting umpiring gear so I can start doing that in May. Need to apply for passports for August trip. Need to pay for two summer camps for girls. Need to blog, blog, blog for sister to pay for those camps. Need to work on developer book because the next time I'll get paid for that is in July. Starting own church growth group April 19. D13's school play is April 20. D9's dance recital is May 12. Keep on schedule on workouts. Plasma donations twice a week.
It's hard to explain to people how and why I fit all that in. It's easy once you break it down. It's either money (working), kids (recital, plays, passports) or social (growth group).
If it doesn't fit in one of those categories, I push it aside.
Church-31 says I love to be busy. That's true to a point. I stay busy so I don't stare at the walls. But most of this is stuff I HAVE to do. That's a big difference.
Couple of XW notes. She sent me a message offering to switch weekends with me in April. I'd asked earlier this year how she wanted to handle weekends I might be working at the running race company. She turned down offers to switch last year and her initial reaction this year was to just take them when I'd be out of town. No switching.
Now, out of the blue, she's offering to switch. Right away, I guessed she probably wants to do something with the BF. I had a convenient out though. Since running race company didn't ask us to work in March, I have no idea if we'll be asked at the end of this month. We may be out with that company so I may have no weekend conflicts.
So I didn't turn it down. I said I wasn't sure I'd need to switch any weekends.
I haven't looked for a response. I've made a pact not to check my personal email until I'm at work. I don't want anything from her messing with my weekends anymore.
She's negative energy and I'm trying to eliminate it from my life. Someday I have to get to the point where I don't care what her motivations are. That's a long, long, long way off though.
Hey hey, baseball's opening day. I had to end a 10-year tradition of driving 5 1/2 hours to watch the opening day game in Cincinnati. Since we didn't get asked to work a running race in March, which I was counting on, I didn't get the $350 that annually pays for the trip.
Plus, the friend who went with me every year moved to Vegas for a job. And next year, if opening day is the same week as spring break for the girls, I'd miss it anyway because we're going to Florida.
So really I'm not that disappointed. I'll see my favorite team this year when they come to Milwaukee and Chicago.
All is good.
Sigh ... I track bankruptcies for the newspaper. So once a month I go through and count the ones filed locally and see if there are any interesting cases. And I'm on this month's report.
Oh well.
That is where I was lucky. The L that I had was located between Kansas City and here. He did most of his cases in KC. I said what is an hour drive for one day? Nothing.
Besides my boss felt relieved that my name wouldn't appear in the local paper...Geeezzz.
kat
I haven't heard a word from anyone on the bankruptcy although I have gotten a lot of solicitations in the mail.
I'm just glad that's almost over with.
Took tomorrow off to be with the girls, but D13 will be babysitting from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. So it'll be just me and D9 for a few hours.
As of right now I don't have much planned for the weekend. That worries me a little bit, but I also have to watch my pennies for a couple of weeks.
Managed to scrape together a good weekend. Little wistful though.
Friday I had the girls during the day -- we lazed around mostly -- then headed to my church's Good Friday service.
XW texted me and wanted me to keep them later because she had dinner with her "mom." I texted I already had plans at 7:30 p.m. and the girls would be waiting for her.
I've basically figured out whenever she gives me specifics, she's lying. It likely was dinner with BF.
No matter. I had an interesting evening. I met up with my divorced buddy who is very desperate to find someone. He really feels lost without a woman in his life. He was out with a bunch of his co-workers. I met up with them. We hit another restaurant.
I'd texted Church_31, now Church-32 earlier in the day with a scheduling question about our growth group. We're now co-leaders. I took over for one of the prior co-leaders.
So that started a series of texts and in the end I invited her to meet us when she got off work.
She actually did. I was pretty shocked and really happy. She stayed with us the final two hours. She sat next to me. Told me some new things I didn't know about her and her family and when everyone headed home I said goodnight.
Next day I volunteered for kids program at church since I really didn't have much going on during the day. When I was finished, I new some of my friends were going to be at a party on that side of town. Instead of wasting gas, I headed to the mall where Church_32 was working -- she's doing whatever side jobs she can while she's back in school for accounting.
I ran into two friends who are getting married in May. So I sat with them for a while, visited Church-32 -- who didn't know I was coming -- and later told the male friend in the couple how I took it as a good sign that Church-32 actually met my group the night before.
I sooooooooooooooooo want to think that maybe she's becoming more interested in me. I soooooooooooooooo don't think that's true. But I'm a romantic. You see the movies where the good guy gets the girl. That rarely happens in real life.
She still hasn't ever called or texted me first. I've always led the conversation.
Sigh ... Friday was pretty fun. It felt like an adrenaline rush.
Today, that couple invited me to his parents' house for Easter brunch. I was just going to do church, workout, watch the Masters and head into work and get caught up.
I skipped the heading into work part. Instead, I took half a sleeping pill so I won't lie awake pondering my life.
D9 called from school not feeling well and she wanted to be picked up. So I went and got her and I'm working from home.
Called attorney and set up meeting for Monday to sue the insurance company of the guy who hit us in November. Things were going swimmingly with this company until it was time to talk settlement. Then they stopped returning calls.
Oh well. I was hoping to get this settled without attorneys. Now, I'll have to give 33 percent of what we get over to the attorneys.
It's all found money anyway. My hope is the lawyers can get this finished before April 2013.
Careful CTH, if you are picking up that Church_32 is not interested then don't start finding more ways to hang out or make contact with her. You're heading for heartache!
I know Wii. I took Friday as a hopeful sign but Saturday wasn't so hopeful. I won't text her again until I need to. She knows I'm interested.
I'm keeping the Thursday night church group going in part to be around Church-32, but more so because the way it's set up we have three or four new people join in and drop out every six months. It's a great friend generator. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I hung out with people from the church group. It has soooo expanded my friend horizons.
Sad/happy note today. XW is taking the kids to her mom's because someone is coming to see the house. When it sells I'll still be sad. It's the only house the girls have ever called home, and I used to think we'd move from there to our dream home.
Happy note is I mentioned to D13 that I hope they stay within bike riding distance so we don't have to get two sets of bikes. D13 said XW doesn't plan to move out of the district, which caught me by surprise. If it's true, that's perfect. Then I'll still be able to see them every day during the school year and can continue the daily schedule as is.
Stressing a little about August trip to Canada to see my aunt. We may not be able to stay with my aunt because one of her son's and his family might be in town at the same time. If that's the case, I'll take $1,000 of the $12,500 I'm getting from XW's retirement and put it in the vacation fund. The rest I'm setting aside for my Master's.
Couple of other interesting things have popped up. One of the ladies I took to lunch last year is back on OKCupid. She'd started dating someone so I never got a second lunch. We exchanged a couple of messages. I'm toying with asking her if she's available for that second lunch.
Also, an older lady -- by two years -- called me today. I think she's interested, but I'm not. She's a bit out there. She's fun though and been through the whole divorce thing so she's good to talk to -- on a limited basis.
Final note. I picked up the third volume of Edmund Morris' biography of Theodore Roosevelt. I always admired him, but after reading his biography I admire him even more so.
Something interesting from the first of the trilogy. He was married young, but his first wife died after childbirth. He was heartbroken for nearly two years. Said he had nothing to live for. While recovering though, he systematically erased every reminder of her as possible -- other than their daughter -- and then never spoke of her again. He was despondent for 21 months before reconnecting with his childhood love.
The moral of the story is he didn't look back -- ever.
Well except for reconnecting with his childhood love! lol
Good news today. Got assigned to 30 little league baseball games in May and June. Two per night, so 15 nights. That's not so many that I'll be overwhelmed and that's $900. It'll be enough to send me sailing into July in a good place financially.
If we get our normal running races in April, May and early June, I'm going to be able to put money ahead for December and next year.
Lots of Facebook contact with Church-32 last night. We're recruiting people to join our growth group this weekend.
I have the girls and it'll be a lot of coming and going. Saturday, I'm running in my first race. It's just a 5k. I doubt my foot can take much more. That's early so I'll leave the girls at home.
I have to head to church for one session Saturday and two Sunday for the growth group. There's a co-worker fundraiser Sunday afternoon -- his son has some rare disorder and they are way in debut -- and my first softball game of the year Sunday afternoon.
I have to buy new softball spikes. I used the others until the soles tore off.
And Saturday night D13 wants to see the Hunger Games. So I have to figure out what to do with D9.
I really hope I like the umpiring. This could be a nice little two-month bump for the rest of the child support years.
Wednesday was a bit of a rough night. D9 was really emotional again at bedtime. Really down. I listened for a long time. She finally perked up by telling me about this farm she's gotten to go to twice. It's XW's BF's friends house. She really likes it.
I wasn't happy, but I hid it from D9. Hey, I know XW is going to have some good times with the girls, and I knew about this farm. All I can do is maximize my time with them. I really feel my snowball is starting to roll and pick up steam.
I'm doing well not looking back. My thought of this week is "I am Teddy Roosevelt. I don't look back." I didn't want to type in the Wednesday conversation, but this site is my online diary. Someday, when this is as faded as the burns on my foot from when I was 5-years-old, I will go back through and read about the progress.
Another important step Monday. Turn over everything I have on the November auto accident to a lawyer and let him pursue a settlement. I'm tired of waiting on these guys.
Waaayyyy overscheduled this weekend. In fact, May and June are going to be very busy. And usually this is a good thing. It's definitely a necessary thing because of my financial situation.
But today I'm very tired and very down because I haven't spent as much time with my daughters as I should. They said they've had great weekends and that's all that matters, but I'm feeling guilty.
More tomorrow.
Developer friend has space in his luxury suite for some foreign symphony this Saturday. Not really my thing, but I hate to turn down something free and new.
It's a date thing though so I texted Church-32 to see if she wants to go.
My head says she'll say no. My heart says she may say yes. Either way, it was time to see if anything different is developing.
Having to listen to a lot of inspirational stuff on the computer and at home to settle my brain. Girls have three public events over the next four weeks and the chance that I'll have to share the auditorium with XW and her BF is raising my anxiety level.
Back in a reduced energy state again. The little league baseball umpiring starts this weekend -- bonus -- and I'm very apprehensive for some reason. I think I'll be good at it, but at this point in life I hate to be in any drama so I'm not looking forward to snarky parents, coaches and players.
But I HAVE to do it. I really need the money. And the fact that I may work every single weekend that I don't have the girls is depressing me right now.
Sometimes it helps to look 10 years in the future and think that I'll be looking back on this time with wonder at how I got through it. But then I just look at the calendar and wonder how I'm going to get everything in.
Listening to a TED talk on the three A's of awesomeness. The speaker writes a blog posting awesome things every day. 1000awesomethings.com.
Not a bad idea.
Awesome things today?
Hmmmm. I spent $123 on umpiring clothes. It is awesome that a coworker gave me a mask, chest protector and shin guards. That would have cost me $200 or so.
I will be opening a Kids Club account for D9 today. It's her first step, at least to me, to adulthood.
This talk on TED is pretty awesome. The author says attitude, awareness and authenticity are the keys to an awesome life.
My thought of the day is pretty awesome. I've always kind of coasted. I've never really pushed myself and had to face adversity alone. This is my chance to embrace the challenge. This is the time in my life that I'll look back at later and be able to give people authentic advice.
Awesome post...you had to know that was coming, right?
I've been taking a break from the boards for a while. I've been coming here every time I hit a bit of a bump or see or hear about XW with BF. That just gets me thinking about it all over again.
Journaling -- was a little league ump this past weekend for the first time and ... it was fun. I worked six games -- one more than scheduled because an ump didn't show. My first game was awful. My third game had all kinds of weird crap in it. Otherwise, it went pretty smoothly. They paid me extra for having to do four games by myself. I made $265. I'm already scheduled for enough games to make an extra $1,040. If nothing else happens, this extra will get me through summer.
I'm also less than a month away from being able to redo my 401(k) loan and pay off my car. Every little bit helps.
D13 had her school play Friday night and she nailed it. XW came alone. After we sat together for 10 minutes waiting for D13. She jabbered away -- she's a lot more talkative now that we're not together. I listened and stared straight ahead.
Then I took D13 out for the after play party before heading out with friends.
Funny thing is when I did go out I saw my very first girlfriend. She got divorced last year as well. I never really got over her either -- first love. She was out with her new boyfriend. He seems like a nice guy, but he's about 50 pounds overweight.
So my XW and first love both are dating guys way overweight. I thought to myself, should I quit staying in shape and start scarfing down cheeseburgers every day?
Saturday and Sunday were the umpiring and my legs were shot so I didn't do much Saturday night.
Monday, I took D9 to her dance class and then dropped the girls off at XW's. She stayed home because she had dental surgery and when I pulled up, there was BF's truck. I wasn't expecting that and my face froze and the girls noticed. But I said everything was fine and let them out.
I emailed XW later to ask if we can permanently switch week nights. I've been having the girls on Wednesdays since August 2009. I thought it would be a nice mid-week thing and it has been.
But the local chamber of commerce and economic development council have their public events on Wednesdays. They have one hour networking before each event. The events are important for work. The networking is what I really want to go to.
Plus, I'd rather have a schedule where I have the girls four days in a row rather than one on, one off, then three days in a row. Now, there's too much back and forth.
The bad thing is it would necessitate me moving or eliminating the church group. I'd be inclined just to move it. But in the end, that's not that big of a deal.
The switch would be better for the girls than so much back and forth too. I was on the Chamber of Commerce for years and you meet lots of good people at their networking events. Sounds pretty reasonable.
Stop focussing on other people's weight and focus only on your own. Just because someone is overweight does not mean they would make a good life partner. And how do you know they're not working on it. To suggest, even in jest, that you might want to stop working out and scarf down cheeseburgers is ridiculous. You stay in shape for YOU and no one else. Remember - you should focus on someone's personality more than their physical appearance.
Barb
Clinging...you seem so raw yet from the divorce.
It sounds like you have at least been separated since 2009 and while I know there is no timeline to healing, I am concerned that it is still so fresh for you
I also agree with Barb
I am a chubby girl and more than 50 pounds overweight. But, I am happy...I have a successful and satifying career, am loving, a great mom, talented, creative, generous and beautiful
the weight is only a factor for me
not Cori
and certainly not anyone else who has been in my life
not his cop friends who come over and tell him how lucky he is to have me, not my collegues who, not knowing my life story, asked me out on dates etc. Our physical appearances do NOT make us good life partners
our souls do
what do these guys give your exes that they were needing? affirmation? attention? freedom? feeling better about themselves?
for example
physically, Cori may not be the most muscular guy I have ever dated
but
he tells me every day I am beautiful
he tells me everyday how much he loves me
and
he lets me be all tough and ghetto at home
but he protects me every second of everyday (like he walks with his body to the curb and me on the inside)
I even feel safe when he is at home and I am at work because I know that in a heartbeat...no questions...all the muscles and workouts that other guys did NEVER gave me that
I could speculate what the new BF gives XW, but it doesn't really matter does it.
Yes. Things are still very raw from the divorce. My brain just swirls from one problem to the next. I have stretches of days where I'm OK. I have stretches where I'm pretty down. I have very few days where I'm just even.
I've been very conscious of my stress. I'll wake up in the morning or be watching something, doing something or reading and a bad thought comes into my head and I can feel my whole body seize up. There are times where it feels like I'm not breathing.
Strange.
Other thoughts. I may never be comfortable around XW. If not, I'll accept that. I see now why divorced parents move away from their kids. It'd be so much better if I could just start over somewhere else.
I still wonder if it's like a poker game. I still feel like I don't have a good hand -- my house is smaller, I have to work all the time to make ends meet, I'm not dating anyone even though that was my choice in January. So I don't want to play. When I get a stronger hand I'll have more confidence and it won't hurt to see her. Even though I know it's wrong, I have this feeling I'm "losing" the divorce.
This is such a mental challenge.
I was at my Monday night workout class -- which I won't go to again until July because I'm booked umpiring every Monday except Memorial Day in May and June -- when I just thought about how good it's going to feel when I'm finally over this. That gave me some peace.
Hey, sorry about the weight comment. I see it hit some people in sore spots. Years and years ago, XW told me she didn't want to be like her mom -- very overweight and opinionated -- and if I saw that she was I was to tell her.
When she had our first daughter, we ran together until she got down to a size 2. Then she got back to a 4 after our second daughter. She always seemed happier when she was in shape. When she gained all her weight I tried to help -- but by then she was against everything I said.
One of the things she said before I moved out was that "she wanted to be fat."
Now, three years later, D13 tells me about XW's on again, off again efforts to lose weight. D13 says she's going to work out with XW this summer.
It's her life. I remember after D13 was born, that summer when we were running together was one of my favorite summers ever.
I was very thin growing up and I look awful when I'm overweight. I look awful though when I'm too thin. My workout routine is one thing I am pretty happy with. It was just interesting how my first GF and my XW are with people exactly the opposite of me.
The weekend with the girls went well. We didn't do much Friday night. Saturday D13 had a band performance during the day. So D9 and I picked up a friend and went to the children's museum. Then I took them to a fundraiser at a country club. It was actually cheaper to take them to the fundraiser ($50 for 4 people) than to go to a regular restaurant. I let them stay up late.
Sunday, D9 was on the verge of a meltdown for some reason in the morning. I waited it out and we made it to church. We ate after, went to the YMCA for an hour (D13 and I rode stationary bikes and walked on the track) while D9 tried to get on the YMCA computers.
Then home to relax.
There are lots of good things happening for me. The finances for the summer are in good shape because of the umpiring. I'm meeting with the local college for grad school on Thursday. Three fourths of my life are in good shape -- I have a fitness plan that is working, I have a financial plan that is difficult but doable and I have a career plan. Now, it's just the social plan. For as much as I get out and as many friends as I have, the truth of the matter is I'd trade it in a second for someone. I like dinner at home and movies on the couch.
Weird thing today snapped me out of my doldrums for a couple of hours. D9 had a rough day at school yesterday. They haven't been as frequent, so when I picked her up and she was in the "timeout" room I didn't think much of it.
Last night D9 told XW about the incident and she fired off a nasty email to the teacher this morning. She cc'd me.
She has zero tact and for years I had to pick up the pieces.
For the past couple of years I've not chimed in on these exchanges because XW told me I undercut her when I'd smooth things over.
Well, her email was out of line and I emailed the teacher and said I think the team is doing a fine job. D9 can be a trying child.
I imagined what the conversation would have gone like last night. She would be ranting and raving, and I'd be there asking her if she really wanted to send an email with that tone. She'd then get mad that I wasn't backing her up and it'd be another silent night.
Lots of stuff going on. Umpiring Friday night and Saturday day. Out with a friend Friday night for a little bit. Saturday, watched boxing with friends and thought about heading out, but I looked awful -- really tired. So I went home.
Sunday, listened to a great sermon about families and it helped and hurt. It reinforced that I have years left to be a positive influence on my family and I have to stay on the correct path. It also reminded me how much has changed and how much I miss the family unit.
I worked for a couple of hours because of a rotating weekend thing and then drove 90 minutes north to hang out with my cousins.
It was a good weekend. I just have to keep grinding through days.
I am still working on how to pay for grad school. I may do a marketing project for the college in exchange for tuition. I got a text from my developer friend -- who also is on the board of directors for the college -- that the president of the college liked my project idea.
It could work out to be a win-win, but it's another demand on my time. Siiiiiggggghhhhhhhh. I have to keep on the grindstone though and honestly if this project works out the local college is one of the places I'd targeted as a possible place for me when I'm finished with the masters. That would be ironic.
The night with the cousins was fun, but I had to rehash the February-March discovery of XW's boyfriend and how much of a loop it threw me for.
Tomorrow is another crazy day. Company softball team in the morning. Out to a local plant for the launch of the first of its new models then umpiring at night. I haven't worked out in four days because of everything going on. It's really going to be difficult to meet my goal.
Have I said how tiring May and June is going to be?
Will have to see XW Wednesday and Saturday. Then I should have a break from her for a while. Probably will see XW's boyfriend on Saturday. Friend of mine gave me a long talk about needing to meet this guy for the good of the girls. I'm just not ready. Hopefully by fall. Lots of things are going to happen in the next five months -- pay off my car, take girls on Chicago, Canada trips, enroll and begin grad school.
That's a lot to get accomplished and at that point I'll have several more months of water under the bridge.
Feeling better and I'm sure it's a mix of a couple of things.
My sister, who is paying me to write a blog for her company, needs a bookkeeper and is going to pay me to do it. I handled the books for our mom's business 15 years ago. It isn't much, $75 a month, but that's another $910 a year. Every little bit helps.
Plus, there were just four tickets left to D9's dance recital Saturday night and XW bought all four and then offered me one -- since I didn't have one yet. She says she'll sit with her mother and I can sit with D13.
As soon as I found out what the tickets cost I'll send her the money. Plus, in all honesty I'm relieved I won't see XW's boyfriend. I'm guessing I got his ticket.
I still want more time to get used to that before we have to start sharing events together.
Umpiring going well. Did one game last night and have two more. I am very, very confident I will have ample money to enjoy all three summer weeks off with the girls.
That developer friend of mine had a dream date, he said, last night with a doctor in D.C. I looked up her photo online. She's very pretty. I'm happy for him. I asked how he met her and he said mutual friends.
I texted him. "I need your mutual friends. My friends haven't helped me at all." At least not with hookups. They've been very helpful with helping me fill the time.
I texted him. "I need your mutual friends. My friends haven't helped me at all."
Ha ha - mine neither! I've only been kinda set up once since my divorce - and I lost any interest the minute the guy told my friend she didn't have to leave the waitress such a big tip.
I would take it personally, but the truth is, most of my friends are coupled up and friends with other couples, so they're just not a rich source of dates.
I was going to say the same thing Gineen. They will help you when they can tell you are ready, not just because you say you are.
kat
I set up my best friend once and they lived together for 11 years...until she left him for a drug addicted ex convict. Sometimes it's best to do it yourself! Actually my friends did help me, they told me to go on a dating site and that's worked out pretty good...unless she ends up leaving me for a drug addicted ex convict.
My friends never set me up either. And despite the fact I sat on the boards of several great charities (where you meet really nice people) - I never found Mr Right there (how did you really know if they were married or not?). I never found him in the grocery store either like many people told me. NOPE - I had to step outside of my city and look where there were a load of other single people also looking. And I really had to work at being able to weed them out online before meeting them.
As you know - it worked out for me.
Barb
And then the air comes out of the balloon. D13 went to XW's house after school. She's supposed to come to mine but there was a miscommunication.
When I went over there both girls were on edge because they know I don't like to go over there. D9 actually asked to go in first to make sure the BF wasn't there. The look on her face ...
And I felt just awful afterward. They have enough to worry about and they feel they have to worry about my feelings.
I want to be better, but I'm just not. I told them the right things -- I'm OK, blah, blah, blah -- but I don't feel the right things.
I felt awful at the baseball games and made a couple of mistakes because I couldn't concentrate.
This morning I had to send XW a text about weekend stuff. Her response indicated she's spending Saturday night at the BF's house. I think this is permanent. I shouldn't care. I know that. Still it hurts. I want to scream at her. Throw things.
Why can't I let go?
I have to see her today about summer camp and again on Friday and Saturday because of dance recitals.
I soooo want to move far, far away and just start over.
I sent an email to my health system's doctor referral service. I think it's time I saw someone about depression. Nothing else -- working myself to death, working out, reading -- is working.
I feel like I'm 9 years old again with messy hair, buck teeth and unstylish clothes wondering if anyone will ever like me.
clinging..
I totally relate to this post....
am hopeing that time will fix that...If not I think Im in for a really miserable life, and that is NOT what I want so I just keep on getting up every morning and putting myself out there.
My Higher Power has plans for me, I just know it...
I feel like I'm 9 years old again with messy hair, buck teeth and unstylish clothes wondering if anyone will ever like me.
Ummm...I think you answered your own question. Her abandonment is stirring up your own unresolved issues from childhood. It's not all about her at this point - it's about your feelings of being unlovable.
Was just talking with someone else about a book by Richo called When the Past is Present. About how childhood issues affect our adult relationships. I haven't read it, but read another book of his - How to be An Adult in Relationships - which was marvelous. You might check out the first book and see if it sounds familiar.
Also - although it's not a bandaid and you need to work on resolving your issues - but you WILL feel more lovable once you are in a loving relationship again. And that takes going through the yucky process of dating, with all its weirdnesses and disappointments. You may need to start making a little room in your life for that.
"I Choose to be happy - because it is good for my health"
One of my best DB pals just posted that on FB> I suck at copy and paste (I'm blonde) - or I would have posted the pretty colours it came in.
Anyway - it applies here.
I walked in your shoes. I KNOW how it feels. I chose NOT to meet OW and make her a part of my life. But my kids were not involved with her either.
I don't know how to make the nasty feelings go away - it takes time but I DO know how to bite my tongue around my kids and to "put on the face"
Barb
Somehow, and only you can figure out how ---
You need to take your power back from her.
What she does should no longer affect your mood and attitude and clearly it still does. Just stop. Picture the STOP sign in your head if you have to, but stop.
Life is full of endings. Living is about new beginnings. It's in your control, you just need to realize it and live it.
Life's too short, man. Don't miss the good stuff.
Further to what Drew is saying...
"He who angers me, controls me".
I remember reading this on a sign in front of my church during my Mom's funeral which was the week my divorce became final. It has stayed with me.
Barb
I had the meeting --- and this is progress because I probably would have skipped it in 2010.
It's just so hard because we're sitting there discussing with the park district how to make this particular summer camp work for D9 and XW would keep looking over at me for input, trying to make eye contact.
And then after I had to follow her to the car to get a dress for D9 and then have her offer up alternatives to D13 staying with her because she didn't plan on being home. My face felt like it was made of stone.
I know it's my own insecurities doing me in. Walking over there I was thinking about what a lousy marriage it actually was. The months of not being able to even put a hand on her shoulder. The silent treatment. The tension of over opening the bills and having to find money because she over spent. The times she blew up at teachers and I'd have to clean it up. The continual feeling of "this is as good as it gets and how can I live with this."
I was terribly, terribly unhappy too. But at least -- to the outside world -- I had someone who cared enough to marry me.
Yes. My sense of self worth was shattered three years ago and it still is awfully fragile.
I need long-term counseling. At least in 2009 and early 2010 I could go to a counselor through my work Employee Assistance Program. They don't offer that anymore. I am hoping to get something through my insurance.
I realize and everyone can remind me that with time this will get better. But it doesn't help me today. I just want to run from the problem, like a little kid going to his room to shut out the world.
Part of what really hurts is that I see it is affecting my daughters and if there is one thing I pride myself on it is being a great father, and now I'm feeling like I'm failing there as well.
I am a complete mess today.
I am a complete mess today.
Maybe you are. We're all human, it's allowed.
Sometimes you just need to get it out.
Hang in there.
Get some rest.
Tommorrow will be better.
Ditto what Drew said. We all feel overwhelmed sometimes. Yesterday I felt like crap, physically and emotionally. Today I feel great. Tomorrow will be a new day CTH and with a new day there's always a new hope
Trying to grind through these next three days. Dress rehearsal tonight for D9. No XW involvement.
Tomorrow, going to see my old boss. She finally sold her home so she can move full time to Florida. She's having a rummage sale. I'm taking the girls -- they both spent lots of time talking to her in her office.
Then I'm buying a new laptop computer to become the bookkeeper for my sister's business. She's lending me the money -- $750 -- and I'm going to work it off over the next 10 months.
Then dance recital -- sitting with D13. Then D9 and I head home together, she comes to church with me the next day and then I drop her off.
There's lots I could do with Sunday. I'll be interested to see how I feel. Right now, I'm exhausted. I could imagine taking a full sleeping pill and just sleeping the day away.
Sunday is the three-year anniversary of me moving out. It all blew up for good on Mother's Day 2009. A coworker said I have to forget all these anniversaries.
We all feel overwhelmed sometimes. Yesterday I felt like crap, physically and emotionally. Today I feel great. Tomorrow will be a new day and with a new day there's always a new hope.
There's so much truth to that statement...
Sometimes you feel so bad, or hurt so bad, that you don't think it'll end...then, it does. You feel better.
Your Co-worker gave you good advice. Once I changed my focus on ex, OW, dates that stood out - I healed much quicker.
I used the Stop Sign technique. When I found myself starting to think about one of those things - I put up the stop sign with my hand in front of my face. I allowed myself ONE MINUTE to think whatever I wanted to think about it then I had to force myself to stop and think about something else. Anything else. And it worked.
Life is too short to live with regret. Get out and do all the fun things life has to offer.
It is finally a gorgeous day at the lake and Josh is working from home here (always does on Friday). He just told me he is knocking off at 1:30!!! I'm so excited. We can enjoy the afternoon on the water!
Cheer up buttercup - the good far outweighs the bad. And your cup is overflowing!
Barb
Saturday was a tough day. I shunned XW a couple of times during the day and then during the performance I said to myself that was silly. So after D9's tap performance was over I consciously went down and enjoyed the triumphant time with XW.
It helped that BF wasn't there. I doubt I would have done that if they were together. That's the next step.
Then D13 went to her grandma's, D9 went home with me and XW chose to go .... wherever.
On Sunday, after church, I consciously asked XW to come outside so I could wish her happy mother's day.
Then I spent a few hours on the phone with my sister to get through the day.
Since about midway through Sunday, I've felt better. For a couple of reasons.
I won't HAVE to see XW and BF again until ... the fall maybe when D13 is back in school and back in theater. And I'm going to be a volunteer next fall in D13's play. I've backed off way too much from the theater group. I need to get back involved so it doesn't just become D13's thing with XW.
Still, this'll give me more months to get more water under the bridge.
Second thing -- and it shows again how far I have to go to detach. D9 received a prayer card for donating to one of church's fundraising activities. On it, she asked for money for XW because "mom is out of money" as she explained it to me.
And unfortunately, that made me feel better. I keep falling into the LBS trap of imagining how great her life is without me. The fact that she has money troubles doesn't surprise me. She got a $5,000 bonus in March and apparently burned through it all in eight weeks.
I guess it reminded me that my life is exceedingly hectic and difficult and tiring ... but overall I'm heading in the right direction.
And unfortunately, that made me feel better.
So if she suffers, you feel better?
I keep falling into the LBS trap of imagining how great her life is without me.
And if she's happy, you're miserable?
That means your self-esteem and emotional state are directly a result of your perceptions of her???
You will be healed when you stop giving her that power over you.
Yes. I hope to get to that point eventually. I have my first counseling session since 2010 tomorrow. There's lots of levels to this.
Part of it is control. I am doing well in all of the things I can control.
* I've found enough extra work that I can actually pay my bills and save for future stuff. That was a tremendous worry in 09-10.
* I feel pretty good -- I've had to give up some things like playing basketball and weekend softball. But I've traded it with some great workout routines.
* I have a career plan for the future so that I'm not stuck in a dead end industry until the layoff train rolls through again.
What I can't control is XW's feelings for me or my love life in general. I can't make someone want me -- and that still hurts.
My sister and I talked about this Sunday. We both try to manipulate people and our surroundings. She thinks we got this from our mother.
Oh so much to talk about tomorrow.
Tired tonight. Umpired little league baseball and in the second game the score was 40-1. The visitors batted five times and scored their 8 run limit in each inning.
I was always in very competitive leagues and never took a beating like that -- well, until the divorce.
First meeting with counselor and I used up the hour just getting her caught up. I'm seeing her again on June 6 to get my mind set for summer.
That running race company where I made $2,500 each of the last three years again doesn't need us. So we're 0 for 3 in getting races we usually get. I think that gig is over for good. Thank God for the umpiring. In that respect, I umpired a game of 10-year-olds last night where the final score was 40 to 1. It was brutal -- but hey, it was another $30.
What I can't control is XW's feelings for me or my love life in general. I can't make someone want me -- and that still hurts.
Yep. That stuff does hurt. When you think about it though....it makes sense to be with someone who WANTS to be with you, and stop chasing anyone who doesn't. Doesn't that make sense?
A lot of our misery is created by the activity of the mind. I, like you, love a woman who doesn't love me anymore. I think I have to accept that, as hurtful as it is...and stop 'resisting' it. Resisting only causes suffering...that's s fact. We want what we don't have. Seems like if we want what we DO have...we'll always have what we want! Maybe a little Zen...but there is, I believe, A LOT to be said for 'accepting' whatever...might as well accept it.,.because resisting it only causes more suffering.
Maybe the blessing in all this for you will be learning to let go and give up the need to control. It will be quite liberating when it happens
You know Wii, my counselor said the same thing.
Until we learn to accept, we cling to things being the way they have been, or we wish they were, or want them to be, or hope they will be. We resist.
When we learn to accept everything that comes into our lives, we are free from the pain and suffering of resistance.
And nobody said it was easy.
No. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. There are times, when I'm calm, when I remember that I've really had a pretty easy life. And this definitely isn't easy. I hope to look back in 10 years and say, you know I handled that pretty well.
It's the hardest thing that most all of us have ever gone through.
All that is required is that you accept that which is totally unacceptable TO YOU. It's not unacceptable to everybody. Not to the world or society. Not to God. To YOU.
That which is unacceptable to you exists only through the power you give it. If you stop making it a problem, it ceases to be a problem.
Sometimes we push our own buttons.
Antlers, that was a little too deep for me.
I actually had a weekend with no scheduled work and no kids and I was all over the place with all kinds of different people.
It was good.
Today is a good day. I finished refinancing stuff and made my last car payment. Woo, hoo. Another big step up financially.
The meeting with the college president is Friday. I hope to finish applying for passports to Canada this week.
This weekend to me really starts summer. I have a wedding to go to Friday night -- I'm taking D13 to ceremony then going on my own to reception.
Then I have the girls Saturday, Sunday and Monday and I'm in good enough financial position that we can stay home and swim, go to the annual city festival or out to the movies. No worries.
This is going to be a very good week.
Very hectic week so far. Some interaction with XW. She met us to file for the passports.
Last night, D13 was upset about how the school year has gone. The lack of a real boyfriend is weighing on her heavily. Words don't help.
I did get her to laugh. She was talking about how if the school district we live in cuts its fine arts program then XW is going to move into a new district.
How she'll afford that is another matter. I didn't say that. Instead, I said I'm not going to worry about it until it happens, although I would be worried if XW tried to move to BF's area. He lives 30 minutes away in a tiny, backwards, biker bar town. (I didn't say that part)
It'd be very difficult to see them every day like I do now.
At one point, D13 said "mom's boyfriend has a name you know."
I said, "I don't care." She laughed.
I'm not sure that was the proper thing to say, but it just came out.
Big meeting tomorrow with college president about master's degree. I'm very excited and nervous.
Wow - D13 needs a "real" boyfriend? LOL - I had crushes at that age - but I also still played with Barbies. Hopefully she won't get a boyfriend - your troubles would REALLY be starting then!
And don't feel bad about not calling XW's boyfriend by name. I called OW "maggot" - yep - even to the kids - I admit - that was not a good thing. Funny thing - they call her that too. Yep - I certainly did some things wrong.
Good luck with your meeting tomm.
Barb
I don't call my ex's wife by her name. I haven't come that far! At least I am not calling her skank any more (though I may slip once in a while). My d13 was telling me she really didn't know what to say to New wife's daughter that is 16 and likes to draw too. I asked what she would say to a new friend and well that got the conversation started. I said that she didn't need to dislike this girl just because of the situation. After all they are in the same situation. It isn't their fault and it is ok to like them or at least be nice.
She said she might talk with her on her next weekend there.
Heck! 13 and she needs a boyfriend? WTH? I had just barely outgrown barbies by then. I didn't have a 'real' boyfriend until I was a junior in high school. I'd been on some dates, had a first kiss, etc. but a steady boyfriend? No. I saw what having those relationships did to my friends emotionally and knew that probably wasn't a good idea. At that age, girls are already too emotional and volatile! Add a boy with raging hormones into that mix and it all goes nuclear!!!
I saw a show on HBO that basically said the stuff that used to happen as a freshman in high school is happening in seventh grade.
Scary.
The subconscious got me last night -- mixed in two cranberry and vodkas.
Two friends from my church got married last night. I met them in spring of 2010 and both helped me get through the divorce.
I have the girls, but I made it to the reception for three hours. I drank cokes with just two vodka cranberrys. I had fun. I'll admit I had thoughts about my own wedding. It remains the best night of my life.
Then when I went to sleep I had a very vivid raunchy dream about XW. When I woke up I really wanted to go right back into the dream.
Weird how powerful your mind is.
I'm not too down about it. I have the girls all weekend. We've been having a good day today -- spending a lot -- but still fun. Tomorrow will be hot and the girls are having friends over to swim.
Oh, meeting with college president went amazingly well. Things are looking very good for the fall.
My d13 has had a boyfrien seemingly forever. They don't hold hands even. Just the whole world knows that they like each other.
I just want to scream at you "LET THE WOMAN GO!"...but what good would it do? You'll torture yourself until you decide enough is enough. Seriously, what are you holding on to? So much of your posting is focused on her and she's been gone for over two years at least. What are you holding on to? You don't have to answer here, I'm just posing the question. There's something you are getting by holding onto to that life for so long. We don't do things unless we are getting something from it. What are you getting? If you keep holding on does it mean you're not a failure yet? I know failure is a biggie for you. So what if you just said "Yeah, I'm a failure, I f@cked up, so be it, time to make a new life" Could you do that? Why hold on and to what exactly are you holding on to?
Btw, I didn't mean to sound harsh with the above comments. Just thinking out loud and throwing some questions at you. Do with them what you will
When you are tired enough of struggling, of suffering, of being unhappy, you'll stop.
I just want to scream at you "LET THE WOMAN GO!"...but what good would it do? You'll torture yourself until you decide enough is enough. Seriously, what are you holding on to? So much of your posting is focused on her and she's been gone for over two years at least. What are you holding on to? You don't have to answer here, I'm just posing the question. There's something you are getting by holding onto to that life for so long. We don't do things unless we are getting something from it. What are you getting? If you keep holding on does it mean you're not a failure yet? I know failure is a biggie for you. So what if you just said "Yeah, I'm a failure, I f@cked up, so be it, time to make a new life" Could you do that? Why hold on and to what exactly are you holding on to?
^^^This^^^
Wow.
That will be when we know CTH has made it through.
Then maybe he'll change his username.
I suggest "Thriving As Me."
Rest of weekend went really well. Saturday we went to annual community fair. I spent $100 (sigh). Then girls hung out at home with friends. Sunday was hot and we had several of their friends over swimming. Later, I finally took all of the friends home so it was just the three of us and we headed to local mini putt/go kart business. I had free coupons from the owner.
On the way home from that we started talking about all the fun we're going to have this summer and how this day was one of our best ever. So they started ranking their best days ever. Then, of course, D13 brought up the worst day ever, which they agreed was the day I was kicked out.
I agreed it was the worst day, but we can't do anything about it anymore except enjoy the time we do have together.
Monday. D13 had to march in a parade. Then we headed home. D13 was sun burned from day before so she stayed inside all day doing home work. D9 had two friends come over and we went swimming three times.
Finally, bed time. D9 stayed up a little later than I wanted because she had to fill out invitations to her birthday/swimming party in August.
This is the last week of school. Summer break starts next Monday. My first week off with them is in two weeks. In fact, two weeks from today we'll be hopping in the car for a two day stay in Chicago. I am extremely excited about the trip. We've always done one day trips to Chicago. This time we're staying the night downtown and stretching the fun over two days.
There are lots of things I'm going to get to do now that I unlikely would have been able to do if XW and I stayed together. We rarely traveled because XW spent money faster than we could make it. Now, I control my finances completely. If I want to take $40 each paycheck and put it into another account just for summer, I can. There's no worry I'll have to raid it to pay off XW's debts.
If I want to take them to Florida next year for spring break, I can. Or New York the after or L.A. in five years, I can. There are lots of places I'm going to go and people I'm going to meet. I never would have pursued a Master's degree with XW. She doesn't have a college degree and I was stuck knowing I couldn't get a Master's while she didn't have a bachelors and she was too scared to go back and get the bachelors.
Everything comes back to controlling your mind and emotions until it just fades away. This weekend whenever I'd have thoughts of XW and what she was doing, I'd list her "uns."
She's unintelligent, unaffectionate, unimaginative, unambitious, unappealing, unathletic, undependable, uneducated, unfaithful, unfeeling, unforgiving ... there are lots of them.
Right now, I have no dating prospects and I'm sure that's part of the funk. I've been working so hard to get to some kind of comfort level. I'm there now and I'm ready to get out there again. I'm hoping the college experience gets me in front of a new crowd. I've kind of cycled through my existing one.
Really, I'm doing well at the things I can control. I'm still struggling with letting go of the things I can't control.
C2H: Maybe you place too much importance on being in a relationship. Maybe your daughter also picks up on that. No one will "Complete" us if we are not complete ourselves. Yes, it is fun to have a companion but friends are also great for that.
The time will come. Mostly I find it comes when you stop worrying about it. You do not sit home feeling sorry for yourself. You are obviously getting out there and doing things with friends and with your daughters. Try to enjoy that more and not focus on anything missing from your life.
I think you've come a long way. I just think you need a little bit more work. Don't beat yourself up for what you haven't accomplished - pride yourself for what you have done!
Barb
CTH, take this for what it's worth but I have a suggestion.
You have mentioned in the past that when you talk to your sister you 'have' to go over the whole D thing and your feelings with her. You've also mentioned that about seeing people you haven't seen in a while or getting together with other D'd friends and having that in your convo.
It might help to stop talking about it entirely. If someone asks, there is no law that says you have to hash it out with them. A simple, "All is going well." will suffice. The less you are forced to bring it to the forefront of your mind the better able to put it behind you.
Just something I've found to be true.
Actually, Mishka, I've already done that for the most part. This weekend, my uncle came out to the pool and watched the girls swim. At one point, he asked "what's XW doing?"
I told him that it doesn't really matter anymore, and I try not to think about it. It doesn't do me any good.
In fact, that's part of the reason I try to keep all interaction with XW through text. That keeps things stuck on short questions and responses. I want nothing to do with any conversation where she can slip in "we're doing this" or "I'm going there."
It doesn't stop the thoughts from intruding. The girls this weekend said XW is thinking of getting a Chevy Traverse with her next car. That sent my head spinning in a few directions. She hasn't had a car payment since 2008 when I paid off her car -- a decision I now regret. Considering D9 tells me she's having trouble making the house payment how exactly is she going to buy a new or newer SUV? Most likely, XW focusing on something new and shiny to make her happy. That was always the pattern.
But that doesn't help me.
When people ask me how things are going -- the past few months -- mostly I talk about the efforts to begin the master's program. That is a big, big key to my future.
GM, I know it's not my business. That's what I wrote. But I'm still not to the point where that stuff doesn't float into my head. It doesn't happen as often and I flush it more quickly. Still, it still happens.
Interestingly, the baseball umpiring helps. For a few hours I block everything out and concentrate on the game. And I've been reading more. That helps too.
I'm not sure how things will go in the summer. I am hoping there's a lot less interaction with XW. I actually have the girls more than 50 percent of the time in the summer and we have lots of fun stuff planned. I'm in the best shape financially since moving out in May 2009.
There are lots of good things happening for you CTH. I'm so glad to hear it!
More than 50% of the time this summer? You are one super lucky dad! It sounds like your custody arrangement is working very well indeed.
I'll be honest with you, those dark thoughts and relived pain pop into my head still and my xh and I have been 'together' again for over 2 years. It's something that I'm afraid I'll deal with the rest of my life because of our proximity and my own issues. You will eventually be able to put her out of your head entirely except in cases of the girls. Those thoughts of 'what is she doing?', 'why would she do that?', and concerns over her situation will fade (except if they have an adverse effect on the girls of course).
Embrace your new opportunities and all the fun you are able to have with your girls. That is life's true gift! Time.
It is frustrating at times to read posts saying "just put it out of your head" or "get over it." If I could automatically program myself to follow the advice I would.
In the end, it just takes time.
Today to me is the start of summer. D9 had her last day. I picked her up and then took both girls out for lunch.
Summer is different. There will be more chunks of time that I don't see them. During school, I see them at least an hour for 85 percent of the days. That actually will help my work schedule now. I'll have lots more 8:00 a.m. to 4 p.m. days.
Then there will be large chunks of time that I have them all day and it'll be just us -- no XW to worry about -- and our adventures.
Lots of things going well. It looks like ALL of my masters program will be covered. I really can't wait to get started.
To make time though I'll back way off on the church stuff. It's been good and it kept me busy, but I've simplified my life a bit. When deciding whether to do something outside my time with the girls it has to meet one of three criteria.
1) Do I make money at it?
2) Does it help me stay in shape?
3) Does it give me a chance to meet new people?
Someone asked me why I stopped playing tournament softball. It's not really that physically demanding. It costs me money. And the only women at the game are wives and girlfriends. So it misses on all three.
The church activities really only give me a chance to meet new people, but I've found the opportunities have been limited.
I have to umpire tonight and then I'm meeting friends out. Tomorrow I have a free day. I was looking to play golf, but none of my playing partners are available. So I may just work on my uncle's driveway. He's offering $50. Every little bit helps.
I'm sure I'll find something to do tomorrow night.
Sunday, church, softball and, if nothing else, working on side projects.
What I was asking is for you to think about what it is that is keeping you so hooked into thinking about her? I know when you're alone and you're sharing the kids that is hard. So if you can say "hey, I'm thinking about her again, how interesting" and then let it pass without any emotional response then that would be a start! Yes, it takes time but I honestly believe there's some kind of hook that's keeping you so focused on her. Good topic for your counselling session. Hang in there, CTH.
CTH...man I'm gonna share something with you that 25 told me...she said "It's mandatory that you create and embrace happiness in your future no matter what she does. KNOW THIS is a strength, not a weakness in you.
Do you think she would be attracted to someone who is miserable because they're pining for someone?
Or do you think she would be attracted to someone who is happy and enjoying life?"
.....the same things are unattractive and attractive to others too!
Well, Antlers I've heard the fake it until you make it line. I'm no good at that so I do my best to avoid her. At times, I still feel like I'm playing poker. And right now I feel like I'm holding a pair of 6's. Better than no pair but not enough to play the hand with confidence.
I totally agree with you on finding my own happiness. I know that, it still doesn't keep the pangs away.
I'm just reprocessing all of the pain because now there's someone else in my daughters lives.
D9 called me Saturday to ask to go to church Sunday, tell me a funny story about a fox in their back yard and how she had a great day at the BF's sister's farm and she even got to ride on a motorcycle.
That hurts. It will always hurt.
Wii, counseling is set for Wednesday and I've got a lot to go over. I'm just tired right now and lonely. There have been no solid prospects for me since letting DHU-41 go in January. That, I think is the biggest thing. I'm frustrated and I'm jealous.
I was out Friday night with a friend. He's an interesting guy. We talk a lot because he was an LBS. He couldn't take living in the same small town as his XW so he moved 30 minutes away. Being that far and with not as generous visitation rights as I have, his 13-year-old daughter has really drifted away.
So we have lots to talk about. Anyway, he had a live in girlfriend. She broke up with him about 16 months ago. Then he dated a really nice lady that I was kind of interested in. He moved more quickly. That lasted five months or so and she broke up with him. He works at a hospital system with more than 3,000 employees. He found a divorced muslim doctor and dated her for three months. She broke up with him last week. Out of the blue, a 20-something (he's 48) from the hospital system IT department emailed him.
So she came out with him Friday night. She's smart and pretty and they were all over each other.
And I was jealous. Extremely jealous.
Saturday was kind of a bomb. I did some yard work. Seal coated my uncle's driveway, got my hair cut, did church (didn't know D9 was going to call about Sunday) and then only went out briefly because my usual people were too tired.
It was just one of those weekends where I feel like I'm "losing" the divorce.
What Gineen said! (well put).
Read what you wrote about your friend. Is a series of short term relationships what you are after? Because - they're fairly easy to find. But does every time you break up from one mean you are a LOSER again? Despite the fact that DHU-41 was TOTALLY wrong for you (and you said it from the beginning) - you seem to suggest that breaking up with her was a loss. And you continued on with her for much longer than you knew was good for you. Because - she was better than nothing. Well - nothing is often much better than someone else.
You really think you are the biggest loser in the divorce??? I DON'T think so and I think your perspective is really off. Having a significant other is NOT all that it's cracked up to be - so - she has a guy. Big deal. You really have no idea what their R is all about and whether he is good for her or whether they fight or whatever. You DID get a financial mess (ex) out of your life so you won there. You DO have very good co-parenting time with your kids - you are doing great there. What makes you believe you are a loser?
Although I am in a Post D relationship - I did my time alone for a few years. And that time was SO good for me. I did not rate myself according to my couples status. In fact - having ex move out and in with the ultimate in controlling women (and a predator) - I knew I dodged a bullet there. Even our children agreed that our home became much more of a haven without dad in it. His depression and anger disrupted our peace on a regular basis.
When I was on my own for the first time - I got stronger. Yes - I spent time in counselling and learned more about myself, more about what I wanted in a partner (if I decided to go there), set goals for my future - things I may not have been able to do with ex. Now that much time has passed - I can honestly say that I am SO glad he is NOT in my life. I could not be doing the things I am doing if he was. I came to a fork in the road. I ended up on the road less travelled but it has been a beautiful journey despite the bumps and ruts in the road.
I hope that counselling will help you develop a better sense of who you are. Remember that you came into this world alone and you will leave it alone. Who you meet along the way can add to your enjoyment or detract from it. (and a 20 year old might be great for one night of enjoyment but REALLY - is THAT what you want? Walk into any bar and you can have it - just protect yourself). You need to build on the things you enjoy and reduce the things you don't enjoy.
I found a renewed love of gardening and started new hobbies Post D. I moved to be further away from the source of my agony (ex) but I don't suggest this until the kids are grown. I learned to check with myself if I was happy in the moment or not. And if not - change what I was doing.
So stop comparing yourself to other people. Some people on this bb have moved on to fulfilling new Rs. Some are just getting their toes wet and testing dating out. Some are thinking about it. Some are content focussing on parenting, work, creating their own lives. Most have learned (or are learning) that they are COMPLETE an happy on their own. Creating lives that are filled with friends, activities, hobbies, etc WITHOUT a significant other.
Stop being so hard on yourself. You have done some work on creating a new life. You go out probably 10 times as much as I do (I have a severely handicapped son that I need to be home for at night yet I don't think I'm a loser because of it). I could be jealous of all your free time and fun. And you've figured out ways to enjoy your great summertime with your girls, earn extra $ with the umpiring, attend dance recitals, plays, parades - from the time my ex left (D was 12 and a world class baton twirler/dancer) - he never attended a single performance of hers. Not you - you are a very involved dad.
SO - pat yourself on the back for all the good things you do. Get CLEAR with yourself about what you really want - and then go after it. Set your goals high. Don't settle.
And if it were me - when my daughter told me about all the great things she is doing with ex's BF (I would not know because my kids are NEVER invited along on any events) - I would say "I'm glad you had a good time. I'm not really comfortable hearing about BF so I'd rather we not talk about it". Maybe not the advice others would give you but that's how I feel and just what I would do. Why tear off the scab just when it starts healing - you start bleeding again.
Barb
I understand how hard it is to adjust to being alone again, CTH. I was part of a couple for 17 years, it becomes a major part of who you see yourself as. It's not just a 1 year transition and life is rosey again. The first two years I was alone it was just survival, trying to make sure that my kids were ok, that I was OK and trying to build a new life outside of what I'd known. Thank goodness I had been dbing and had set up a structure of activities that aided me in adjusting. I also understand your need to be busy busy busy, that was me too. I was gonna be the best darn separated guy on the planet, I wasn't gonna end up depresses and on meds like some of my friends uh uh. Whatis was gonna kick the crap out of this thing. I had difficulty when I was alone and had nothing to do and that's when the stinkin thinkin would start. I'd doubt myself, I'd see a "loser" etc. Anyway, just keep pluggin away, it takes time. It really does. Some of that time is real good and some s@cks...not to different than being with someone, when you think about it.
I hear everyone and I understand and I agree -- but it's going to take time.
Today, my issues were really with parenting. I fell back into lecture mode with D13 rather than listening mode. Again ... tired. Can't wait for vacation so I can sleep in for a few days.
I will just have to do better tomorrow with D13. The surly teen years are taking some getting used to.
Couple of issues popped up with XW -- via D13. XW called D13's school, talked with the vice principal and decided D13 will repeat pre-algebra rather than advance to algebra.
I do not disagree -- but I learned this through D13. I would have liked an email or text for my opinion.
Second thing, D13 had braces three years ago. Since, her teeth have reverted back and she needs them again. Unfortunately, she says XW is saying she can't get braces until D9 has them because she can't afford it.
Well, I don't want to wait on braces for D13 because XW can't figure out how to budget.
So I sent an email asking her to please consult me on school decisions and to get D13 to an orthodontist to see what needs to be done and get an estimate. Once we know the costs we can figure out how to pay for it.
I've been planning on braces for both girls for two years now. I have it worked out and can even figure out how to pay for XW's share and just have her reimburse me (GETTING a check from her every two weeks would be fun).
Updates on other stuff. Umpired last two nights. Have 10 days off, which I need. My knees are stiff. Completed and submitted my grad school application. Another step forward.
Seal coated my uncle's driveway for $50 over the weekend. He wants me to do another coat for another $25. Really, I'm in very good financial shape heading into my first week of vacation. Bring on the fun.
Still, still having bad adult acne. It popped up in February and hasn't gone away. Lots going on at that time -- started working out heavily, which tends to cause it. Started eating lots of protein to keep my levels up for plasma donation. Not sure if that can be a cause. And, of course, learned of XW's boyfriend, which stirred up anxiety issues. Stress causes acne.
I've read lots about it and am trying the health suggestions. Still, it isn't helping much. I'm making an appointment to see a specialist for the first time since I was 15. Really, I can't believe I have this to deal with again.
C2H: I think you are doing pretty good. Your issues with D13 are the same issues we all go through. Listening is great but sometimes we do have to lecture and dictate - it's all about being the parent. I doubt any of us could say we were perfect parents all the time - sometimes we were tired or stressed - we just did the best we could.
As for the issues with Ex W - your email to her was totally appropriate. She DOES need to communicate these things with you. I'm pretty impressed that you have thought ahead about budgeting for braces for both girls - you are ahead of the game.
As for the adult acne - seeing a dr is the right way to go. I know that Accutane seems to help a lot of people but I'm no dr and he can advise you best. I'm sure it has to be stressful for you.
I think you are doing much better than you sometimes give yourself credit for. Way to go!
Barb
Barb, funny thing is I can't take Accutane unless I want to stop donating plasma. It's one of the medications that is on the no-no list. Since I make $50 a week doing that I'm going to try several other things I saw online.
I didn't know what Accutane was until two weeks ago and then boom I recognize it as one of the medications -- along with stuff like Propecia and Avidart -- that I can't take while donating plasma.
The protein diet does cause acne because protein is difficult to digest. So I'm going to have to be more conscious of just loading up on the protein the day before donating -- and then eating normal the rest of the week.
The reason I have to load up is my protein level has to be a certain level to donate and it keeps falling right to minimum levels.
The lack of sleep does cause acne as well. I'll have to be more careful of getting my rest.
I need to load up on zinc, magnesium and chromium. Those help clear up skin apparently. I went to the store and bought One a Day vitamins.
Still, I'll see the doctor in a couple of weeks for more advice on cleansers and lotion.
XW called. Psychiatrist wants to put D9 and Abilify to combat her compulsiveness or lashing out when she's mad. The doctor told XW the only side affects usually are that it will make D13 tired. She said to give it to her at night.
I went online and found some reviews where people brought up a whole lot more side effects.
Doctor also wants to double D9's ADHD medicine.
On this one, XW had to call and tell me because I have to give her the medicine as well.
Picked up D13 for lunch. She told me D9 is going to take them on a trip this summer as well. I smiled and said I'm glad she's taking them somewhere.
In a way, I'm forcing her to pick up her parenting game.
I booked the Chicago trip. I have -- had -- $738 saved up on a separate debit card. I spent $278 on a really nice hotel room. I could have gone cheaper, but I want it to be an experience. And then $240 getting three "City Passes." The city passes pay for one time admission to Shedd Aquarium, the Field Museum, Adler Planetarium, Museum of Science and Industry, the Art Institute and the Skydeck.
That takes care of the vast amount of the trip. I'll have to pay for parking, meals, a water taxi trip and entrance into the Children's Museum at Navy Pier.
I think, think the $738 might take care of it all.
I've upped my bi-weekly contribution into this card to $40. So a year from now I'll have $1,040 to spend.
Last thing, met with counselor today. She thinks I'm doing well. She thinks troubles in my head with BF will fade with time. She also thinks I don't really have enough time for a GF now anyway so I should stop stressing.
No big breakthroughs. Just someone to talk to once a month to get this all out -- without burdening my friends.
I read this today......
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
Interesting. I realized this on the way home from picking up D9 from a friend's apartment. Today is my one year Divorsary. D was final a year ago today. I was working in Chicago and did not attend final court session.
Vacation going well so far. Great Friday night with girls. Saturday had its ups and downs between D9 and D13. D13 is just taking everything sooooo seriously.
D9 woke up this morning in a lousy mood and I lost it for a few minutes. I calmed down and waited out her little fit and things have gone well since.
I'm just tired. Physically tired instead of mentally and emotionally. Lots of swimming so far. Tennis this morning before they got up.
Now I'm waiting for my sister to call so we can go over her transactions for her books.
D13 is being quite a loner. She hasn't asked to go to or asked to have any friends over. We've gone on two long walks and she says she's tired of her friends and wants time away. She also wants time away from her family. Next week she's away at theater camp.
Chicago trip is in two days. That will be trying, memorable and tiring.
Saw a friend at church today. He's divorced. I've mentioned him on here. He doesn't have a great relationship with his kids and his XW pulls stuff like picking up his kids on his weekends if they are doing stuff closer to her than him. Yesterday, his son had a graduation party to go to. The XW picked him up and kept him for the night and then they went to church together. It was my friend's weekend. My XW would not do that. It's clear my time is my time.
Another blessing I forget to count.
I read some more stuff this morning that makes sense to me...
"Events in our lives are only events. It's how we treat the events (how we think about them) that determine what they become on our lives. The events don't make that determination - we do."
Does that make sense?
First week of summer vacation done with girls. Lots of fun. Some small incidents. I'm 95 percent happy with how the week went.
Here's the bad. D9 had small meltdowns every day but one, but I was able to handle them all before they became full meltdowns. I did make her cry though. She wanted to get something from XW's house. I said no. She asked why. I had a weak reason. So she persisted. So finally I said I do not want to go over to XW's house because I do not want to see XW and Uncle Fester (XW's boyfriend, although I did not call him that). Unless it's absolutely, absolutely necessary, if she forgets something at XW's then she'll have to do without.
Ugh. On Friday, when XW did pick them up for her weekend, D9 came downstairs to warn me XW was here.
D13 is about 50/50 from moving over to the full dark side of the teen years. Half the time she was the happy child I remember. The other half she was a moody loner who is going through troubles that "no one understands."
On Friday, I fell into lecture mold and it didn't do any good except to have her go downstairs and refuse to talk to me or D9 for two hours. Finally, an hour before XW showed up she came upstairs and she was fine.
I have to remember to "Talk so my kids will listen and to listen so my kids will talk."
The teen years are going to be very tiring.
The fun stuff more than overshadowed these incidents.
Friday night I started my umpiring marathon. I umped two games last night, two games today, then two games Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Then two games the Monday after, single games Tuesday and Thursday and two games on the Friday and Saturday after.
That's the extra money I'll need for the next week off with the girls in July.
Tonight I'm meeting a lady who runs another growth group at my church. I tried to interest people from my growth group to go to dinner at a new downtown restaurant. No one bit, bunch of excuses. I invited the leader of another group to see if any of her members wanted to go and two did. So it's me and three ladies.
That's a plus. Then I'm meeting friends later. Things came together. Tomorrow, I pick up the girls for church. D13 goes to her mom's at night because she has to go out of town for theater camp. I'm taking D9 to horse back riding camp so she stays with me.
Funny thing about the week, girls kept dropping in talks with XW and again I realized I don't miss her, I miss them. I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to give them a different role model to counteract her new trailer trash lifestyle and idiotic family.
Teens aren't easy though my d13 hasn't been too difficult. Perhaps it helps to have her older brothers and her younger sister that she is close to. I remember not so long ago that we would cuddle on the couch and watch ghost shows. She would sit so close, I felt as if she was melting into me.
Now she is trying to step away a bit. She doesn't hold my hand when we go shopping anymore. I know she loves me but she is trying to find her own way. No one said letting them grow up was easy.
Happy Fathers Day early.
kat
I got really sad at D13's birthday because I know the fun childhood years are over. It's an adjustment. I think I've been a very good childhood dad. Being a teen dad is just sooo much tougher and more important, really, in the grand scheme of things.
Father's Day was good. I picked them up for church. D9 went to the children's program. I asked D13 not to volunteer with the 4 and 5 year olds and actually sit with me in the main auditorium.
She did and it was really fun. She was saying on the way back that she really learned a couple of things.
D9 and I swam for an hour while D13 just listened to music. D13 had to go out of town for theater camp today so I let her go back to XW's because XW was driving her to camp. XW sent me a text that she'd be gone for the day and not back until 8 p.m.
So D13 and I went for a walk at 5 for an hour and I just listened and responded to questions. It was a really, really good walk. Then we had dinner and D9 and I walked D13 back to XW's at 7:30 p.m. so I'd avoid having to see XW.
D9 stayed here and I took her to horse back riding camp today. I picked her up as well. It was so hot they didn't get to ride and that upset D9. This is going to be a very interesting week. It's 50/50 that D9 makes it through. I picked D9 up 45 minutes early on a hunch the heat was going to make for a tough day. I took her swimming before I had to leave to umpire.
Email from XW tonight. She's upset with all the things I've got planned for summer. She said all these things don't leave her anything to do with them.
I'm reading it and thinking to myself that XW gets to have them the majority of the nights. She still has the "family" home, while I make do in a house half the size. She takes them to her mom's campground with the beach, two pools and miniputt course. She's taking them to Uncle Fester's sisters family farm so they can ride horses. Uncle Fester has given D9 a ride on a motorcycle.
While they do that, I'm working five different jobs to keep my head above water.
So now she's trying to shame me into dialing down my plans because I'm infringing on her.
I responded that I only get four weeks off a year with them and I'm going to pack as much as I can into those weeks until they no longer feel like hanging out with dad.
I didn't say I'm already working on the trips for 2013 -- Florida and St. Louis and then New York in 2014.
Ironically, these were all trips that D13 and I planned back when she was 8. We made a list of places we wanted to go to. We showed it to XW, who didn't seem all that excited.
I won't be able to make all of those trips, which I know by heart, during D13's pre college years. But I'm going to do as many as we can.
Wow! As long as the trips/outings take place during your time with them - what could she POSSIBLY have to say about it? She IS a piece of work, for sure.
Horseback riding camp where they didn't ride all day? You would think they'd have a backup plan for weather (rain included) like an indoor training centre or something. I can understand your daughter's upset.
Forget your ex and her little hissy fits. She can do with them as she wants when they're with her. Sounds like the little green monster has her.
Barb
Yeah, what Barb said!
Messages from XW this morning. D9 woke up not wanting to go to camp at all. Instead, she's going in the morning to ride the horses and then to daycare in the afternoon.
XW needed to get some video game stuff from my house and it was 9 a.m. when she swung by with D9, who I could tell had already had a long morning.
I felt sorry for D9, and I remembered something that pops into my mind occasionally. I don't miss XW -- I miss my daughters tremendously.
I hope D13 is having fun at her theater camp.
Sent XW an email yesterday that we may have to revisit Abilify. Neither one of us want to put D9 on it because we've read about the wide ranging side affects in some cases.
But on Father's Day, D9 had a full blown meltdown when she didn't get her way with the TV and computer. I ended up having to restrain her and she tried to suffocate me. It only lasted 30 seconds and then the storm broke and she was very apologetic.
I didn't think she was trying to do that. I just thought she was trying to break free. Later she apologized for trying to suffocate me. I was never in danger and didn't think much of it until I thought what if that was another kid or years from now her own kid.
So XW messaged back that she agreed although she wants to wait until the ADHD medicine is doubled at the start of the school year.
XW also messaged me on the places she plans on taking the girls. My brain couldn't get around whether she's taking them alone or with Uncle Fester. Either way, she's in for an eye-opener. I travel pretty well with them and it's still tremendously trying. And if she tries to travel with them with another guy, forcing them both to sit in the back seat together -- well, good luck with that.
She's taken them exactly on one trip since we split up and had to cut it short because it was a disaster. She never really has traveled well.
But that's her issue. I just hope she doesn't sour them too much for our trip to Canada in August. That's 13.5 hours in the car together -- that's going to be trying under the best of circumstances.
Almost halfway through my 2 1/2 week umpiring marathon. When it's over, I'll have earned $570 extra for July. That's enough to get me to the August Canada trip in decent shape.
Still, I'm tired. From July 14 to August 10, I'll actually get to relax a little. Knowing me, I'll pack those three weeks with all kinds of relaxing activities.
CTH, just a suggestion to ease your travel out of the country with the girls.
Make sure you get a signed, notarized letter with your XW signature that states that you have her permission to leave the country with them. Google "Single Parent Travel" and you will find links to form letters you can just fill out and both sign in front of a notary. Canada and Mexico are very stringent on protecting children from being kidnapped by a parent and your court decree of divorce doesn't cover specific vacation times. I've seen people turned away without that letter and some go through no problem. It just depends on the agent at the border.
Another FYI - if you are driving into Canada you actually don't need passports, just birth certificates, but a passport is always a better option. You only have to have passports if you are flying. That law keeps getting pushed back.
Really, I already have the passports for Canada. Do you think I still need the letter?
Yep, You still need it. Don't want issues to arise and have the whole thing messed up because you didn't have a letter form their Mom.
Absolutely need the letter.
That rule was put in place worldwide to protect children from being kidnapped by a parent. I watched a woman in full meltdown at the cruise terminal in Tampa because she didn't have a letter from her XH stating she could take their D out of the country. She kept showing her divorce papers that said she was the custodial parent but because the father had visitation that meant she couldn't take her without his consent. She couldn't reach him to get him to fax a letter to the cruise line. I did see them onboard later and asked her how they managed to board and she said she tracked him down and he went to kinkos and faxed the letter. What a nightmare! I also had a client who I booked to fly to Canada and at the last minute he got a ticket for his son with his mileage to go with him so they could do some fly fishing after his business was done. They let them fly from here but when they landed in Canada the customs authorities wouldn't allow them to enter the country until he could produce proof that his wife (not divorced, just traveling without her) was giving permission for this trip.
Do yourself a favor and avoid these disasters at all costs. Can you imagine the meltdown your poor D9 would have if something like that arose?
I lived right on the border (Canadian Side) for 55 years. I crossed a couple of times a week and took my daughter on dozens of vacations. Generally, the letter was not always necessary. Rarely was I asked although I got a letter even when I WAS married when I took the kids to Mexico. STILL...
I did get a letter for trips outside of North America. AND...
The border is tougher all the time. Although yesterday when I crossed - the customs officer was far more interested in my car than in anything else. Oh - and that I had Golfish crackers - don't ask.
I thought everyone needed a passport or enhanced licence to get into Canada. I have American friends who can't cross at this time. Not just for flying. But as you already have them - it's not an issue.
Barb
ALWAYS get the letter! Your children are at an age that they may ask and you being a Dad crossing the border with young children...get it. The last thing you want is for your vacation plans to be trashed cuz you wanted to save the 40 bucks to get it notarized. Don't just get the letter, get it notarized.
...the letter means crap unless it's notarized.
Ahh, scheduling stuff. XW signed D13 and D9 up for vacation bible school at her mom's church about 20 minutes north of me.
The thing runs at night though beginning Sunday as well as Wednesday.
Well, Sunday I had signed D13 up to volunteer at my church with me. So I told her in an email that D13 is not going Sunday. She can go rest of week, including Wednesday, as long as she takes them up there.
I'm not sure D9 wants to go, but I'm not taking her up there Sunday. I'll find someone to watch her here.
That was the church we got married in, and I don't really want to go up there.
I haven't pulled the "you can't schedule stuff for them without asking on my time" card, but I will if needed.
Not trying to start something here but I would say something about that to your ex. It is part of your keeping your boundaries. Just say you already had plans for them on Sunday since it is your day but the rest of the time(if it is indeed hers) is fine.
I had to call my ex on that last year planning a trip with them on my time/weekend without even asking about my plans. got to get these people to think.
kat
XW emailed that D13 signed up for the camp. She didn't sign her up -- which is curious since apparently XW is a counselor as well.
She wrote that D13 wanted to spend time with a friend of hers in Rockton and there's only three counselors.
I was probably too short in my reply.
"She won't be there Sunday. D13 was there when we picked the time for (the event at my church)."
But that doesn't leave room for argument.
C2H: I think the response was fine. She should not be booking them on your time. Your daughter was part of the decision on that. I think it's good to keep communication to the point, based on your history.
My communication with my ex was so bad that it eventually broke down to nothing for 5 years. Now I give vital info when necessary and only answer questions beyond that. He is so ready to cause trouble at times that I don't want to give him anything to work with.
I feel sorry for your kids. Consider that they may end up doing things they don't want to do just to keep the 2 of you from fighting. It is too bad you cannot all communicate better so the girls won't feel that way.
And I really hope they DO have a great vacation with their Mom. Because they deserve that. Just as they deserve good times with you.
I feel for everyone in your situation. Because I've been there.
Barb
It turns out D13 will be going to the camp. She promised her friend and doesn't want to back out on her.
I picked her up from her week long theater camp and we had an excellent ride home. She's processing lots of teen stuff and the best thing I can do is not add to the stress.
I apologized for being short with her on the phone Thursday night when she said she'd rather do the bible camp.
I told her I avoid her mom's church because that's where we got married. She said she figured that was the reason.
I too want to be stronger. I was at D13's theater camp and they were doing a one hour version of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.
Joseph had so many tragic things happen to him and he kept getting back up -- like a weeble wobble. And I can't get past an uneducated, unmotivated, unimaginative woman wanting a motorcycle riding, beer drinking simpleton over me.
Then I have that thought and I wonder, where does that anger and bitterness come from and how do I get rid of it?
Anyway, at camp I was watching the final number and trying to imagine D13 10 to 12 years from now. I want her homecoming and prom and high school graduation and college graduation and marriage and birth of her children to be celebrations, not awkward worries over pleasing her mother or father.
Overall, I try to refocus on the fact that the arc of my life is moving in a good direction. If I stay on the path, I will be more than fine. I will thrive. I just have to convince myself that is enough.
You did what was best for your daughter. She was undoubtedly torn. But this time you let her make the choice and it wasn't about the tug of war between mom and dad. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
I love Joseph. It is my favourite musical. I have seen it app 6 times - 3 of them with Donny Osmond as Joseph. I want to be like him - make the lemonade from the lemons!
I know how you feel. From the time my ex left - all I could think about was how my daughter's wedding would be a mess. (BAD). Every grad since was a super stress. It became more about him being there and what would happen than about our child and their most important day. I regret that.
You really seem to be doing what is best for your girls. I've seen you grow a lot in the past few months.
Good stuff!
Barb
Actually Barb, I think overall I was wrong about the bible camp. If I was talking to someone else about something similar I'd say, "in the grand scheme of things, is it really worth it."
I should never let her know something bothers me until I clearly have her doing something outside the agreement, not in the best interests of the kids or clearly to antogonize me. This was nothing of those.
XW sent me a somewhat nasty email saying that everything is always about me. I've gone back and forth about responding. I haven't yet.
Now, there's a lot of truth to what she wrote. And another truth is that I'm the kind of person XW is always going to hate.
I was the youngest child of a divorced couple. They were always fighting for my attention. I never lacked for anything, especially because my older sister was difficult, they showered even more affection on me. And it wasn't just them. The grandparents on both sides paid more attention to me as well.
I grew up being the center of attention. I can talk to people. I can fit in. I can find ways around things. I can usually get what I want without too much effort.
XW was the middle child of an alcoholic father and a distant, unhappy mother.The oldest sister hated everyone and had to be sent to juvy for a time. The youngest is a drama queen who expects everything to be handed to her.
XW was the middle child who got nothing. No special attention. No new clothes. She just went along quietly trying to get everyone to get along.
She isn't very smart, but she's hard working. But it gets her nowhere. No special recognition. Others who are better at the game get the favored assignments and the promotions.
She's a worker bee who is jealous. She's always been jealous of me. My flexible schedule. My number of friends. My contacts. My ability to adjust work to my needs.
I never really understood why. I mean, I thought we were a team and what was good for one was good for both.
But it was never going to be that way. I think she wants to be like me and that was perhaps why she was attracted to me in the first place. But I'm the kind of person she can't stand and is keeping her in her place in her life.
Back to last week's over reaction. Why do I over react. In general, I think I'm a very easy going person. I have a fair amount of anger and bitterness in me, but in general I don't let many things bother me.
This weekend was my 25th class reunion. It wasn't a big deal. We just put it out on Facebook and about 50 people showed up. We got 150 at 20 years when we really worked at it.
But it was a good 50. Some different ones than 5 years ago. And I had a great time going around and catching up. The anger and stress just seemed to wash away. I felt young again -- not physically but emotionally.
I so want to look forward to every day again. I so want to feel like the best days of my life are right now and ahead of me.
Some of that is impossible. But I really want to let go of the anchor on my emotinos that XW has become.
Another feeling came along this weekend. I hate XW. I really do. I hate her deep down in my soul. I really don't even want to share the girls with her. I don't like how she was raised. I don't like the role model she presents. I don't like her family and the role models they are.
I really live in fear that one or the other will end up like her. That's where the over reaction comes from. I over react on EVERYTHING she does.
That in itself is a dangerous feeling because I also don't want to be the overbearing control freak parent bent on making them just like me. At church, this one parent said his goal has become to lead them to God and let him guide their lives.
Hi! I haven't been posting much lately, but was struck by your comment about how you don't like your XW as role model. I've had that fear too; it was a huge fear of mine for several years during the separation and the divorce. Only recently have I realized that kids are very perceptive. My kids are both turning into great kids, and they have some of their dad's good traits and some of mine and all has worked out well so far. My D12 is doing theatre camp this month too-she will be an Oompah Loompah in Willy Wonka Jr. this Thursday and Friday. I can't wait!
That is great about how you let your D13 choose what she wanted to do. I think as kids get older that becomes more important. Sounds like you are a good dad. And I truly believe you will look forward to every day again and your best days are right now and ahead of you. I love the goal about letting God lead their lives; I'm working on that as a goal for myself too!
Karen