my ex h just got remarried. we have been a part now two years, (he originally left me for an ow -- that didn't work out - lol). It was devistating. we also have a daughter, 6 years old. there waas a custody battle (I won) and the whole thing was hideous. I still have to deal with him due to our daughter and it's difficult because I still have much anger (the affair, leaving, kidnapping our daughter, my having to fight to get her back, the list goes on and on).
Since this, though I have gotten remarried and we had a gorgeous baby girl 2 months ago. So now, if I am remarried (and believe me, my husband is wonderful and he is a mmuch better match for me), WHY DO I CARE THAT EX H IS NOW REMARRIED???? she (his new wife) is 13 years younger than him (early 20's), has a 7 month old son (not ex h's) and the whole thing is just bothering me.
I obviously have much anger and sadness and plan to get back into therapy. I have so much to be grateful for now, wonderful new husband, BOTH my girls, living back in the place I love and so much more. I guess I thought I was more "healed" with regards to the leaving, etc of ex h. I don''t love him anymore in the romantic sense, this I know, but I will always love him to a degree (he is the father of our d) and I think part of what I am feeling is that I nevver got a real sense of closure.
He has never really apologized for the bomb, affair, trying to take d from me (lying, taking me to court, taking her out of state for a month -- long story) and maybe if I had some closure like just a simple, "I'm sorry" I could get past this. And I admit, maybe a part of me LIKED the fact that I found my husband, got engaged, the whole bit while he was alone after the woman he had an affair with kicked him to the curb. I felt a sense of satisfaction that he f'd up his life and I felt justified. Sick I know.
I know I need to forgive him. I wasn't perfect in the marriage either. I was very unhappy. But I didn't stray and I will never forget how horrible that all was, how devistating, how ALONE I felt, how much he acted like I was "yesterday's news", just couldn't wait to get divorced. Couldn't make it happen fast enough. Those first few months I tried so hard to keep our family together even though I knew, regardless of the ow, we had issues and I had been unhappy for a long time. But I couldn't break up our family. It was the worst thing I ever went through.
I truly love my new h. He is emotionally avail. to me in a way ex h never was and our love continues to grow and grow. He never critizes me, we actually TALK about issues. It's a very dif. dynamic than I EVER had with ex h.
so then why do I CARE that he is now a husband to someone else??? thanks everyone.
I don't think you are over him. My ex recently got engaged to his affair partner. To me it was a shock but also felt like give the bad guys another point. It bothered me for a few days and I let it go. I can't do a thing about it and I KNOW I don't want him back.
I hope you to get to a counselor because I think you need to work this out so it doesn't affect your new marriage. You didn't say but how soon after the divorce did you remarry?
kat
Hi spark,
I think you answered youself already, you haven't let it go, a lot of it.
Hey spark.
I'm going to ditto what kat and dday said. You are not over him and are still holding on to emotional issues from your M.
Please see a C ASAP. You don't want this to have an adverse effect on your new M and family.
(((((((((((Spark)))))))))))))))
Everyone is different and whereas some can get over a D in a matter of months, for others it takes years. Marriage and sharing your life with someone is one of the greatest commitments one can make and in my opinion, there are some things you may never 'get over.' Knowing and accepting those things and learning to work around them honestly is part of moving on.
I too have found someone who communicates with me on a level I never knew with my XW. We have a very healthy and mature relationship. Yet when I have to have a dialog with my XW, I remember what it was like and the good things in that past MR. I have forgiven my XW, but I haven't forgotten what she grew into. The person I originally married no longer exists and only good memories remain. This gives me peace and allows me to give my new relationship what it needs to flourish.
I agree with the preivious posts. Be honest with yourself and see a C.
Hello Ms. Spark..
Congratulations on embracing so many new joys in your life.
The fact of the matter is, what your former spouse does is none of your business. He has not been your emotional confidant in ages. You moved on with a bit of 'screw you, big guy, look at all I have and your life sucks.' as you moved forward with your new relationship. That's a good thing to seek counseling for.
The question is, why do you look backward when you have so much in the present with your current spouse and family with a positive future to look forward to?
I liken it to being an amputee. A big part of you, any of us, was severed from what made you feel whole. Occasionally there are ghost feelings. Something remembered but no longer there. If you talk to parents while they have troubled teens, they say it's hell. When you to talk to the same parents when their teens have grown to adults and have their own families, they remember what's good. Time changes all and softens memories.
Perhaps that is what allows the propagation of the species. Do you remember how you probably swore you'd never have another child right after the birthing process. Then you forget the pain and see all that is wonderful in this new little life.
Stop giving this guy prime real estate in your brain. You have not been shortchanged. And it's great self care to seek professional help. He will probably never be able to validate your feelings, just as you will never be able to validate his.
This isn't about him. It's about you. Get the help you're suggesting and the rest will follow.
*hugs*
PS.. and I think that in the tiny recesses of any spurned spouse's brain even with forgiveness, there's a bit of a hint of hoping the former spouse will never be truly happy.
It's not as big as what you are going thru but I got a email today from xw that she had met someone new and would be introducing him to the kids soon (details in my thread). I thought I was doing OK putting this off till later to deal with but a coworker noted that I looked stressed so I confided about the email. My coworker shared that even though seven years had gone by, she still felt pain when she got the news that her former spouse was remarrying. "This is a person you've been with for a long time. You've raised children together. There's always some degree of attachment."
Her moment to gloat was, "It doesn't mean your former spouse is going to be any happier."
"This is a person you've been with for a long time. You've raised children together. There's always some degree of attachment."
Her moment to gloat was, "It doesn't mean your former spouse is going to be any happier."
True, and to play on this, I can surely bet the x-spouses will have us and what they've done on their mind at some point during their "big day". Not exactly fair to the new person, now is it?
I'm a bit better. I've gone on with my life and now he is as well. He didn't invite our daughter (6) to his wedding that was a week ago and even though he calls her nightly, he HASN'T MENTIONED THAT HE GOT MARRIED!! my therapist advised me not to be the one to tell her - he needs to tell her himself. his m.o. is to do things and not inform people (like when he and his new wife were living together for over 2 months -- he didn't tell me and my daughter ended up telling me because she was confused about the situation (she goes there 2 times a month). I had to drag it out of him so SOMEONE could explain it to our daughter. but my therapist told me to back off on this one - it's HIS responsibility to tell our daughter.
With my marriage I was the exact opposite. dughter knew well in advance, I told ex h as well. Isn't that what you are supposed to do??? god, I hate co-parenting with him.
He's a coward, pure and simple. Aren't you glad that you no longer have to live daily with that?
maybe if I had some closure like just a simple, "I'm sorry" I could get past this.)
nope, not even a begging apology would've done it... x was sorrowful (to what degree was it from him or his AD meds I'll never know) but not even that healed me instantly from all the mess he put me through (same story, had ow, she kicked him out, got another woman and married her in a hurry).
You do have the answer at the end of your post, forgiveness, that is the only true way to begin true lasting healing... I know it's hard and to a tiny degree I still have to remind myself that I forgave him...you are forgiving him not because he deserves it... you are doing it for yourself, becuase your Father in heaven forgave you and expects you to do likewise... in due time everyone will respond to what they've done.
in due time everyone will respond to what they've done.
Ever so true.
thanks for the responses, guys. the holidays suck. I have d6 for thanksgiving, but here is what I am realizing. I don't give a flying f who my ex is with/married to (expect of course how it relates to d), but it KILLS me that there is another "mother" presense now in her life. stupid, I know since I too and remarried, and it is totally hypocritcal. but I think some "splaining" is in order.
I have always made sure ex h has open communication with my husband. always. ex refuses to let me even talk to his new (very young) wife AT ALL!! And she is complying. there have been issues (daughter wasn't invited to their wedding when his entire family was and his new wife showed my daughter the pics and of course didn't act upset with her but was very upset when she came home and told me). I want SOME communication with this girl who will play a role in my daughter's life. there is a sayinng that my lawyer once told me, when you have kids, you are never truly divorced. so f'ing true. this sucks big time.
so I am not jealous of their marriage, couldn't care less, but i AM jealous of this person in a "mother" role with my kid. I can't stand it. She will be with them this weekend and every visiation kills me. my ex is truly an ex to me at this point so much so that I am SO GLAD that he left, but the aftermath (new wife) is the hardest as it means she will be around my daughter at least a few times a month.
I realize I sound irrational, but it's how I am feeling. thanks for reading.
Originally Posted By: cat03
in due time everyone will respond to what they've done.
Sorry to be so dumb, but what does this mean?
thanks.
"...in due time everyone will respond to what they've done" = "What comes around goes around."
My ex is now in a fairly serious relationship. Good news is the girls like him and evidently he's nice/good to them. But yes, the fact that she's in a relationship bothers me a little. So, this is something I have been thinking about a lot, especially since I am too in a fairly serious relationship now. Truth be told, I still have feelings for my ex. I have come to accept that and that I will always have some sliver of love for her even though she left the marriage. She's a good woman who got lost in life, yes a mild MLC and couldn't handle the stress. So I think the cross I bear in life is that I will always care for her, even when I have found someone else to love and to give my heart to. I also figured out, we never truly give our hearts "completely" to someone. Our hearts are full of love and as long as we are receiving even a little that love well will be full and able to give to many, many people in many different capacities. For me that means loving my ex for who she is, who she was and for what we had. As for my current relationship, I most definitely am falling in love with her and can see spending the rest of my life with her.