Hi.. moving here from WAS forum.
I don't really fit in 'divorced but not done' as I AM "done".
I'm copying & pasting my last post from WAS here... to provide a bit of context.
======
A lot has happened since I last posted.
I have taken a new job, moved to a new city .. many miles away from friends & family. D15 has decided to stay with StBX where she has friends & is just starting her freshman year. I support her in this choice, but am sad and miss her a great deal.
StBX also has not returned to IC, nor made appointments for us to see MC despite my requests he do so. In discussing this as well as the other marital issues over the past few months we came to a mutual agreement to stay married in name only for financial reasons (family business he runs & college financial aid for S19) and work on ourselves as well as prioritizing trust, emotional safety & the friendship.
Some conditions were put on that: if either of us wished to pursue a R with another we would D 1st... or if there were more physical violence, the D would be filed.
Sadly, the 2nd one materialized before the 1st one.
We are seeking lawyers to finalize the agreement.. I"m moving my thread to "Surviving" and working to 'move along' with life.
===
And so here I am...
Do I buy drinks now or wait until the papers are signed?.. Or both?
Peace
Bridge
I am sorry that you find yourself here but welcome. Physical abuse is a no brainer...it happens and you are out the door. I am sure you will be better off. May I have a mudslide please? I find I am in the mood for chocolate.
kat
(((((Bridge)))))
Sorry to see you here, but....
It seems to me that once physical violence is introduced, it comes back. I'm sure there are exceptions, but they don't seem to happen along very often.
I don't think you need to wait to buy drinks! Margarita, please!
dang, bridge, what happened? same thing as before?
You know how I felt about the whole "staying married in name only" decision. At least this turn of events will bring closure and allow you to fully move on, though I know now is not the best time to be dealing with the sitch.
Has this affected the child or is it all too recent?
In the words of Patty, "It took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go." If you need a listener ...
lodo
hello all.
serving kat a mudslide (YUMMY.. love Kahula!)for Jeff a margarita- blended with salt, and for Lodo- a syrah perhaps??
I'm drinking a cold beer- Leinenkugals honey weiss.
yep, lodo.. pretty much same as before... 1st time shame on you, 2nd time shame on me... 3rd time it's time to move along.
Given that we've been separated for over 2 years.. not sure 'finalizing it' will really affect the kids. They have both been told we are seeking out lawyers... they have not been told of their Dad's actions.
Some things well...sometimes are best left unsaid.
Thanks for the welcome... hope to garner some wisdom as I traverse this path from those who have sadly, gone before.
Peace
Bridge
Well, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this from a legal perspective. StBX & I had discussed months ago that we would use a mediator or collaborative process.
There seems to be few collaborative lawyers in our state... let alone 2 collaborative lawyers that understand the financial component of the business.
The ones that understand the financial (or appear to when talking with them) are not collaborative by any sense of the word (probably because they understand the financial aspects & it's promise for padding their pockets).
There are mediators but none with the financial expertise to understand the complexities of the family business. Which means hiring attorneys/financial guru's who understand that & convey it to the mediator so we can compromise.
What I have read about mediation is that is should not be used when there has been physical or verbal abuse as there is a unspoken (or even spoken) power imbalance that prevents fair compromise.
Anyone have any experience with either of these methods of divorcing? I would love some input of experience here.
Thanks
Bridge
Hi Bridge-
I just found your threads. Thank you for your posts on my situation- I want you to know how much help you have been for me.
I hope your D process goes as smooth as possible- and make sure to enjoy your weekend!
Bunny
Hi SB.
thanks for looking me up over here. I admire how you are handling this.. you seem to be in a much better place emotionally than I was before I left.
Thanks for your support.
Bridge
Bridge,
Really sorry to see that after all the effort you put into working on your M that it ends in D. But when verbal abuse becomes physical, as yours has, it is time to get out. You're doing the right thing.
I hope everything else in your life is going well.
Take care,
Tim
Hi Tim,
Thanks for stopping by & your well wishes.. things are going pretty good overall.
Having a down last few days... not sure what it is. Have been fielding phone calls from the StBX. I guess he's trying to put the demons to rest & I can't say that I blame him.. there are a lot of them in here some nights.
My job is going well, I've been asked to apply for a permanent position, as opposed to the 3-year term one I have. I'm making friends, enjoying city-life and the International STudent that is staying in my home with me.
I miss my daughter & the daily interactions about her day. She sang the national anthem at the high school volleyball tournament the other day ... I got to see it via a youtube upload, but.. just not the same.
I'm staying busy.. volunteering at the local dog shelter, working out at the gym with a personal traniner, I have dropped 2 dress sizes & almost 10" in since the middle of July, working on professional opportunities that seem to fall into my lap when I'm not looking, I'm part of 3 different meetup.com groups and attend those pretty regularly... so GAL isn't a problem.
I think I'm grieving the loss of hope that changes could happen that would make a difference for both of us in a healthy way.
It would be easy to let the negativity & bitterness of the last interaction carry me into mean, hurtful choices & words. It takes energy and strength to remain compassionate and in the moment. Sadly, right now I'm needing some replacement into my bucket & with no family close by or those type of close friends yet... I'm struggling.
I'm going back to my parents this week for a professional conference that is near by & to spend the week-end with my daughter. I'm hoping that will help.
I'm not sure how to handle seeing the StBX.. as the arrangement for me to be with her (I could come & go from his house as I pleased) we had before this last incident is just not going to work for me & my sense of safety now. That has me really sad & anxious.
We go see a lawyer on Monday to see how he would handle this mediation process & options for the business separation, finances, etc... fun times.
Peace
Bridge
Bridge,
Sounds like alot of good is happening in your life despite the pit falls you are going through. Obviously they really like you at your new job to offer you a perminent postion there. That has to be a really big boost to your self asteem along with working out and dropping weight, good for you!
Not seeing your D everyday has to be hard, hopefully she understands and you have a great time with her this weekend.
As for the stbx, I would not go into his house nor give him the opportunity to be alone with you. The less interaction with him the better for you. Too much chitt like that on tv and I see no reason to put yourself in that situation.
Take care and smile your doing what is best and right for you and that is all that is important at the moment. Let the demons fend for themselves its too damn cold way up north for them anyways so don't let them in.
Tim
Hey Bridge,
Don't worry - the down times always cycle back into good times. Just be patient and treat yourself well while you make your way through the process.
I think I'm grieving the loss of hope that changes could happen that would make a difference for both of us in a healthy way.
Yep, that's the hard part - when you still care for someone but can never make it work. We each have our own realities and sometimes those can change into very different things that will never mesh.
Sorry you haven't connected with close friends yet. Sometimes it helps to just decide you're going to be outgoing and gregarious - acting as if. people respond. takes extra work on your part but it helps grow new friendships faster. Throw a dinner party and invite people you're interested in - a variety for good conversation.
I'd steer clear as much as possible from STBX. Learn a lesson from me - there's a time when the best thing you can do is cut things off instead of trying to be friends. Get the opportunity to heal on your own without the constant tug ...
take care of yourself, lodo
Went to see the S20 this weekend.. struggled with the pride/joy of watching my offspring shine in his own space, in his own wonderfully quirky way.. and immediately on the heels of that came the disappointment that the one person that I could share that pride/joy about our son.. it was not safe to be in the same room with.
Sadness...
thankfully feelings pass.
financial pieces for the D move along.
StBX died on a hill that it was not worth dieing on in regards to his income levels and the financial games he can play with his business to make it look on the 1040's to the IRS, as if he makes as little $7K a year.. heck 2 years ago he even 'lost' money as his reported income.
I told him if that was the game he was going to play (use the 1040 #'s to justify gettnig more child support from me & not paying alimony) that my Lawyer needed to see all the business agreements he had with his parents for various income streams, as well as all the detailed bookkeeping records his mother keeps on the family business.
When he started to back peddle on this point, and then wanted to go back into negotiations where stated he'd be 'flexible' on what his income would be listed as..... I just kept pointing out that I would not go into mediation again until my lawyer had a chance to look over all that information, so he needed to get busy rounding it up.
I like blaming my lawyer for buying him time to think through his choices.
another day.. thanks for reading.
Peace
Bridge
Well, another week and a half gone by.
Things are moving along, but slowly. financial pieces are to the respective lawyers & appointments with the mediator have been set up for next month.
Ideally (ha!)... the final agreement could be hammered out by xmas time. Our BAD, BAD, BAD communication habits keep biting us in the a$$... I'm learning to recognize that even though he wants to hear what I have to say.. he really can't handle it. I almost wish he'd come here & get advice from Coach.
I've been thinking about future relationships.. I keep reading about how women who have been in abusive relationships seek out men who treat them as before. I'd like to think I'm stronger, know more, can see it now..
but I know I my graduate advisor is verbally & emotionally abusive...they talk & act much like StBX can when he is wielding his "power". It just makes my skin crawl to deal with them.. sick to my stomach, I shut down.. which is not good for finishing in a timely manner. I avoid.
Maybe finally recognizing that 8 year old relationship is an abusive one, is indication I AM stronger, wiser, more aware. I have no idea what to do about that R & how it relates to finishing the degree but I'm sure at some point it will become clear.
Also, not sure how this new awareness, wisdom, strength.. will play out when it comes to diving back into the pond where there are plenty of fish I'm told... but I know I'm scared.
I wondering how much of a factor 'emotional trust' will play in future relationships. I suppose as much I as let it.
Well, that was a nice chat I had with myself!
Hope all is well with those who are reading along both publicly & privately.
Peace
Bridge
I think the hard thing about people that are abusive is that they can hide it. Maybe they send out signals that something is off.
Don't feel that you have to be in a rush to get back out there. It has been a little over a year for me since the divorce. You have to get your confidence back, give it time.
kat
Hi kat
thanks for reading along & stopping by with your thoughts.
I hear what you are saying about giving it time and growing my confidence.
I've been working on the confidence rebuild for quite a while now.. that is what allowed me to leave and then to put boundaries into place after I did.
I think what I need is a different kind of confidence that comes by interacting with people in some level of relationship.. without the expectation of it going to COMMITMENT.
I'm reading "rebuilding: when your relationship ends" by Fischer & Alberti
One of the concepts in the book is about having growing relationships.. interactions with different people who are there in your life to teach you things like "trust", "fun", "communication" etc.
I need to learn new ways to interact in a R, that are healhty, productive, safe, intimate ... this book advocates using little relationships to practice those skills so when the right person comes along at the right time when I have the right skills... it will be a good thing.
I'm just worried about having the 'sense' to not be practicing those skills with another abusive (possibly in a covert way-not as in your face as my StBX) person because it feels comfortable.
i hope I have learned enough to recognize it for what it is & to honor my gut instinct & set my boundaries appropriately.. without going too far the other way & keeping everyone at bay & arm's length because of fear.
Thanks for giving me the chance to clarify my thoughts outloud.
Peace
Bridge
Hi Bridgestone.
I just wanted to share something with you that I read today, and it applies to so many here on this board...
"The goal of healing is to have whatever harm you've suffered become the 'least' important thing about you. Other proples behavior is not about you at all. Only your core value is about you."
Hi Antlers,
Thanks for stopping by. I understand what you shared means.
The 'abuse' shouldn't define who I am & be the least important thing about me. I get that his behaviour & choices are about him, not me.
I'm just lacking the confidence right now that I've learned to interact with another man in an intimate relationship that doesn't perpetuate the same unhealthy behaviours, thoughts & feelings. And it's scary, as a 40+ single mom, to think about trying to learn those skills.
I understand no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes in our R's (big & little). Maturity involves recognizing the mistakes, owning them, asking for forgiveness, then working to do it differently next time in ways that match our core value.
Just really unsure about how to approach these next R's that will inevitably (hopefully) come into my life.
Peace
Bridge
I can understand what you're saying here...but, people's behavior always reflects the current status of their core value. If you operate from your core value, then you're gonna be OK...regardless; you can't help but be OK...if you operate from your core value!
Hey Woman, just want to pop in & say Happy Thanksgiving here too ! When I joined here, I never imagined I'd make friends like you. I am sooooooo thankful that we met and have accompanied each other on our paths.
Doc told me something the other night that I want to share.
He reminded me that all people we meet in life have a certain role, and that role shouldn't change. For example: If I work in the same corporation as a man, he is a co-worker, supervisor, boss, etc.....he is not a flirt friend, potential date, partner, etc. I have trouble with boundaries a lot, so this helps me.
He reminds me about the 3 types of love.
1. friendship love
2. brother sister love
3. passionate love
I am learning to meet someone, determine if I even want to become friends with him. Then let the friendship grow & develop slowly, then assess if there is sexual tension, chemistry or desire. I know you already follow this pattern, but I wanted to remind you that it's something you are already good at.
Love ya
Thanks cookie.. that is great insight Doc has.. as always. I'm trying to keep it in mind as I look forward to other possibilities of "partner" in my life.
1st 'real' mediation session was awful. Our "Mediator" that StbXH's counselor (whom I respect very much) recommended... play lawyer for almost the entire time.
Kept trying to do things we don't want him doing...there was no "tell me your issues and what you'd like to see done" for either of us. Just lots of stories of how he's handled things with other clients (as a lawyer) in the past.
Don't get me wrong this guy is apparently a great family law attorney.. has argued 2 or 3 cases in front of our state Supreme Court, and is knowledgable about what is allowed in our state & not.
However, we each have our own lawyer & are looking for someone to navigate & mediate this mess of a settlement. He came across as dismissive & arrogant to both the StBX & I... in fact other than a school issue with our D!5 last month... this was the first thing in AGES that he & I agreed on... this guy left a bad taste in both our mouths.
Icing on the really bad cake however, was the STbXH's attorney did not get the mediator any of the financial stuff. So the guy was shooting blind.. however, that is no excuse in my book to not ask questions to find out what our individual positions are and what we each have for concerns.
I'm pissed at StBXH because he promised (yeah, I know) that he'd get everyone all the copies.. I made sure my attorney had what she needed and 'assumed' (yeah I know) that he would follow through since he was the one that wanted mediation so badly.
I'm thinking of emailing the mediator, after having discussed this in more detail with the StBXH and refreshing my mind on what a mediator's responsibilities are fromothe web.. and clearly laying out what we expect from him as 'mediator' not attorney... and asking him if he can do what we need/want. If not, thanks for your time. If he thinks so, then clearly lay out your plan for mediating this next Monday so we are all on the same page.
Has anyone reading this had any experience with mediation (not the kind where you are both at an impasse, but where you are tyring to find the common ground and both parties main issues are addressed BEFORE an agreement is even written up?
I knew it wasn't common in our state (seems like we are always 20 years behind).. or if this is just this guy's style.
Thanks for listening & any input would be great!
Peace
Bridge
He came across as dismissive & arrogant to both the StBX & I... in fact other than a school issue with our D!5 last month... this was the first thing in AGES that he & I agreed on... this guy left a bad taste in both our mouths.
An attorney that came across as dismissive and arrogant? I think many of them do unfortunately. Do you have to commit to this guy as your mediator or can you find another? I would actually recommend maybe a mediator that isn't an L. My experience was ridiculous, the mediator suggested X having custody Monday through Friday was reasonable even though I had 95% of their custody for the prior 15 years, and everything else my X suggested. No discussion or mediation at all. It was entirely worthless. She was an L as well and don't understand how that could be mediation. She went to X, brought back his ludicrous suggestions, and said they were good ideas?
Bridge, wish you were in Oregon. Our Mediator is (was?), IMO, a perfect fit for our sitch. We've actually become friends, so he can no longer mediate for us.
Perhaps I could inquire about a referral in your area, if you like. It will be a little more difficult to find one who has the financial piece, but I know my fella subs out parts that are out of his area of expertise (i.e. domestic abuse support services). He has quite the network, most is local to Portland.
Hugs to you, prayers for D15.
Goldey
Bridge, just a quick flyby to let you know all is well and I've updated on my thread. See you in the alt.
Have a Very Merry Christmas, my friend.
love, Goldey
Hi
Back in the home state... ready for our 2nd round of mediation today. My lawyer suggested giving him one more chance- since the child support/custody piece he wrote up was very much favorable to me in many ways beyond which I had asked for and that StBX had indicated he agreed to. At this point the StBX is fine with the wording of it.
As for today, I would like to see:
"both parties interests and issues with the financial component of the divorce settlement are heard and discussed with respect, understanding, caring, and fairness"
after that then see what progress is made on the property settlement and alimony agreements.
Karen: thanks for sharing your insight & experience. I decided to give this guy one more shot as if we switch to someone now, then I'm probably stuck signing a temporary line of credit for the StBX's business for the new year. Something I'd like to avoid... If not then, so be it.... at least for a bit.
Goldey: Thanks for the thoughts, prayers, hugs & offer of help. I'll let you know what I decide after today and may taek you up on your mediator reference if possible.
Peace to all,
Hugs to those who want them
Bridge
Hi Bridgestone.
I can honestly tell you that sometimes I hate myself because of the way I treated those that I cared about the most. Actually, a lot of the time I do! If I had known then what I know now, I could have prevented so much pain and hurt for them and myself. I hate it that I hurt my wife and the kids so much! But I have to keep living. I can't change the past; I wish I could. It's hard for me to live with the reality of me having done what I have. And it's hard to live with the fact that I know I have caused them pain and anguish that will last throughout their lives.
I really don't know what to do, or even think sometimes. All that I see to show that I have lived for 48 years is pain!
I'm sorry for her, and I'm sorry for you.
I hope that all I read about healing is true...for all of our sakes!
Sincerily,
antlers
Antlers...what a remarkable, honest post.
Bridge, I'm safe, will check in again in a couple of days.
love, Goldey
Hi Bridge-
I hope that second round went well and that you enjoyed your Christmas holiday.
Take care-
Bunny
Hi All,
((antlers)) I hear your pain that comes with recognizing the hurt your actions in the past inflicted on your family & the corresponding regret that you can not change that. I hope you cn forgive yourself & come to peace with the pain and regret. Without it you wouldn't be the man you are today... I see you are in this forum now... hope we can support each other as we move into singlehood.
((goldey)) thanks for stopping by! My prayers are with you!
(((Bunny!!) Thanks for your thoughts.. round 2 went ok, not great, not bad. Enough to go back, but not for a bit. Christmas was very good & am enjoying time with both my kids... a rarity these days.
STbX & I are working something out on our own right now.. none of the 3 lawyers we have talked to together or privately are providing us the creativity we are looking for in meeting our financial requests of what we want to accomplish in the property settlement of the business. frustrating.
Merry Belated Holidays everyone.
Peace
Bridge
((antlers)) I hear your pain that comes with recognizing the hurt your actions in the past inflicted on your family & the corresponding regret that you can not change that. I hope you can forgive yourself & come to peace with the pain and regret. Without it you wouldn't be the man you are today... I see you are in this forum now... hope we can support each other as we move into singlehood.
Bridge, I am still in the process of forgiving myself. I am doing it, it just takes time. Coming to peace with the pain and regret is something else. I know I need to, I'm just not there yet. I know that I have to get there though. I wish it hadn't taken all of this in order for me to become a better man...but it did, and I am. That's a damn shame too.
Yep, I'm here now. I hope we can support each other as we move forward too.
Hi Antlers,
Thanks for stopping by..I have no doubts you'll 'get there', as we all will.
another new year's eve. At least this one I have my both my kids at home & StBX is spending it alone. Spiteful, I know and small consolation.
I have hope that new beginnings, regardless of whether at 40+ or 20+ can be just as empowering.
I think I understand now why 20 year olds are fearless... they don't know enough of life to know what 'could' happen with failure.
Trying to reframe my fear of the upcoming unknown & the little voices that whisper "failure" in my ear during those long, lonely, dark stretches of silence in my bed at night.
Happy New Year's everyone.. sorry we are all still here but grateful for each & everyone of you.
Peace
Bridge
Hey Bridge,
Hope you have a Happy New Year and it brings you much happiness. Who knows maybe you will meet a really hot looking Canadian Man eh.
Anyway we, as in all of us here, are not failures because our marriages did not turn out as we had planned. We all had high hopes and the best of intentions when we took our vows but I and more than likely most of us were just to nieve and immature to understand all the work and sacrifice that a good, successful marrige took. So never look at it as a falure but a learning experiance that has made you a better person.
Chin up Bridge a new year is about to begin and with it a fresh start for you and with any luck a new chapter in my marrige for me.
As always take care,
Tim
Hey Bridge.
I hope that 2010 is great for you. Best wishes to you...including hope, healing, and peace.
antlers
Hey Bridge,
Hope you have a Happy New Year and it brings you much happiness. Who knows maybe you will meet a really hot looking Canadian Man eh.
eh, & maybe he can play golf as well as hockey, sort of a happy gilmore kind of guy.. jewish, funny, dark, handsome ... now that's a tall order!
most of us were just to nieve and immature to understand all the work and sacrifice that a good, successful marrige took.
oh yeah... I think I'm beginning to understand what my Dad meant when he said he wished he could be 20 again, but know what he knows now.
So never look at it as a falure but a learning experiance that has made you a better person.
It made me a different person, I need to make sure I'm better through my actions. But I know what you mean
Chin up Bridge a new year is about to begin and with it a fresh start for you
as another friend keeps telling me: it's my turn.
and with any luck a new chapter in my marrige for me.
prayers that is the case for you my dear friend.
you too
Peace & hugs
Bridge
]
Hey Bridge.
I hope that 2010 is great for you. Best wishes to you...including hope, healing, and peace.
antlers
And to you as well... thanks for the hope & light you bring to those whose life you choose to interact with. You are indeed a blessing.
Peace
Bridge
Hey Bridge.
I hope that 2010 is great for you. Best wishes to you...including hope, healing, and peace.
antlers
And to you as well... thanks for the hope & light you bring to those whose life you choose to interact with. You are indeed a blessing.
Peace
Bridge
Thank You Bridge. And thanks for the positive feedback, especially since I have such feelings of overwhelming failure. It's almost medicinal to hear a positive stroke. We can change. And when we do, it can be profound. Your insight continues to help me too.
Good Morning Bridge. ((*hugs*))
Wishing you all the best in the new year. You deserve it.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling a little tingle of spite. Spending time with those who you love is not a luxury. Wanna come over for some virtual breakfast? I've moved to We're Separated. Peace.
Bridge, I'd like for you to field a question for me.
What do you think about me getting her a copy of 'Love Without Hurt'?
For NO OTHER reason than to help her understand and heal.
The subtitle of 'Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One' kinda throws a kink in it because I don't want her to get the wrong idea by me giving it to her. I'd just like her to be able to understand, and heal. Stosny does the best job being able to help someone understand and heal.
If I give it to her...what do I say in a short note? I would appreciate your insight on this.
Well,
I would honestly examine your intentions and more importantly your expectations of this act.
Is this for her or for you? Are you still trying to fix by helping her heal?
What if you just copied the 'spouse' portions of your book & gave to her & let her know that this is part of a book you have been using as the basis to be grow & become a better person and the first step to doing that was gaining some insight into what she went through for years being married to you.
I think she might want it to be about her, not you.
good luck
Peace
Bridge
My intentions would be to help her heal and understand.
My expectations would be for her to heal and understand.
It's for her. I am very remorseful that I caused her the pain that I did, and I would like to help her heal, and understand.
Copying the 'spouse' portions of the book to give to her seems like an even better idea. "W, this is part of a book I've been using as a basis to grow and become a better person, and the first step to doing that was gaining some insight into what you went through for years being married to me."
How do I make it about her? How do I make it clear to her that it 'is' about her? Should I say anything else?
Thank You so far Bridge. I would appreciate more insight from you on this.
Mornin' Bridge.
I copied the first part of the book, and I wrote a note that said what I posted earlier. I haven't sent it over there yet though...thinking I should write one more sentence but I don't know what I should say! Do you think I should say anything else...and if so, what?
Thank You
ps - I know this is your thread, and you want people to help you here. I hope I can.
But this is a situation in which you are uniquely capable of helping me, and I hope you will.
let me think on this.. something bugs me about it, but can't put my finger on it right now.
can you send me a copy of what you have in the note in the alt universe? or if you are comfortable post it here?
I don't mind posting it here...
it says "W, this is part of a book I've been using as a basis to grow and become a better person, and the first step to doing that was gaining some insight into what you went through for years being married to me."
Thanks Bridge
You might want to mention if you think YOU were the "resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive" spouse, or if you think she is those things....
Be careful not to place too much self-blame for the sitch - it puts you in a weaker position that doesn't garner respect...
I'm not sure, either. I know that my ex didn't read ONE thing that I gave him or left lying around - he didn't want to be "brain-washed" or convinced he was wrong.
I think the parts that Antlers is talking about wouldn't be very likely to let Mrs. Antlers feel as if she was being brain washed...
It's more about validating her decision to not live with a resentful, angry, & abusive man.. & not just Antler's perspective but from someone who counsels them.
I'm still thinking about how I would like to hear it from Mr. Bridgestone... thanks for your patience. I'm slow to respond because I understand the gravity of this note for you & Mrs. Antlers, not because of being dismissive of it.
Bridge,
thanks for helping me with this. I understand you being "slow to respond", and I know you understand the gravity of this note...I appreciate it. Thank you. I feel fortunate to have your interest and insight.
Bridge...fly-by hugs. And thanks. I'm taking care of Goldey now. Peace in 2010.
Happy WEEK-END!
Things are mostly good in the world according to Bridgestone. a bit chilly but at least it's sunny here. got to love the clear blue sky against the pine trees & white snow.
no big plans for the week-end. Drinks with a friend for Friday afternoon club here in an hour or so.. hair appointment tomorrow.. (keeping up that PMA).. lunch with a womens' group tomorrow & movies tomorrow night. Church & cleaning house on Sunday (ok.. not so good for the PMA)
I registered for a divorce support group through one of the mega-churches here in town today. Classes start mid-February... happy valentines day. One of the single's groups in town is throwing an 'anti-valentines' day mixer... I may register & go to that.
While I think I'm doing well in moving on in life and dealing with the D, real-life support in addition to the virtual friends that are just a phone call or email away can't hurt.
Thanks for everyones support & thoughts. I know there are many of you reading along that don't post.. that's ok. I hope you can gain something from what you read.
Peace
Bridge
Sounds like you need to escape to sunny CA for awhile! Maybe an afternoon tour of a winery would be just the thing to lose those mid-winter blahs! Oh, and mid-D blahs. Which are blahs. But it is what it is, right?
Sounds like you need to escape to sunny CA for awhile! Maybe an afternoon tour of a winery would be just the thing to lose those mid-winter blahs! Oh, and mid-D blahs. Which are blahs. But it is what it is, right?
Oh yes, it is what it is.
You know me so well...
an mid-winter escape to sunny CA (referring to the state not the country) where the temperature is actually above freezing in January when it is sunny.. sounds delightful.
A afternoon tour of a winery shared with a dear friend & confidant with a celebration supper afterwards sounds even better..
Do you think the local travel agent has a special on the mid-winter/mid-D blahs tour? especially on such short notice? lol
Hey Bridge.
How ya' doin' today?
Doing well, despite a Monday.. it will be a short week & yourself?
I'm doin' pretty good. Worked over the weekend, and it's warming up here a little bit for the next 4 or 5 days. Son and I went to see 'Blind Side' last Friday and had a good time...it's a good movie.
I'm doin' pretty good. Worked over the weekend, and it's warming up here a little bit for the next 4 or 5 days. Son and I went to see 'Blind Side' last Friday and had a good time...it's a good movie.
Warming up here too.. actually to above freezing by Wednesday
Went & saw Law Abiding Citizen on Friday night. also good but probably in a very different way.
Definitely a thriller...in lots of ways.. it was a bit gorey, things got blown up, and Gerald Butler got naked (whoot!)
Boy did he have nice.. umm ..eyes yeah it was the eyes.
Ha! Sandra Bullock was in 'Blind Side' and she has quite nice attributes herself!
Hi Bridge. Wanted to share something with you I got off of GIMA's thread this morning...
If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
-Rudyard Kipling
Is that good, or what?
Hope you have a happy day.
interesting way to put it
you surprise me
peace
bridge
Mwah...hi Bridgey-didge (play on words...Aussie slang Ridgy-Didge which means something is genuine)
Sorry I've been off the radar.... flat out at work and with gym stuff.
Hey Bridge.
Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. - Emerson
Hope you have a 'killer' day.
Hey Antlers,
I have dove deeply and am still in the process of swimming far. I have new experiences, friends, self-respect that I never thought I would have.
I'm looking forward to more.
Thanks for sharing that quote.. I like it!
2 things new here. I'm going to journal my thoughts of each... pros & cons. Please feel free to provide input.
1-A possibility of a good job back in the town I just left, back in the arena of work I was in about 10 years ago.
Cons:
a) It's back in the arena of work I left 10 years ago. I left it for a reason.. I needed to move along, however, I know I would not be staying in it once D15 gradaute in 3.5 years.
B) It would put me in close proximity with StBx,
C) I lose the cultural diversity, events, large city benefits I have come to love in the past 6 months. I would miss this new town tremendously.
D)I would take a paycut of about 1/3.
Pros
A) I would be back in almost daily contact with D15 & have her at least if not more than 50% of the time.
B) I would be back in close contact with my family
C)... struggling with any more than that.
2) STbX & I are probably 30 minutes of talking, and one meeting each with our lawyers & joint meeting with the mediator away from finalizing our Divorce settlement.
Cons:
A) This is just sad.. there are no winners in this process.
B) See above
Pros:
A) I've seen more growth & graciousness from my StBX in the past 3 months since this started than I think I saw from him in the past 36. Which sends me back to the Cons.
B) BobbiJo was right.. my laywer only needs to find a judge to sign the decree.. no court date or appearance necessary. Since we have an option to waive the 90 waiting period... I suppose I could be divorced by end of February.
C) I Have a good settlement agreement on the horizon... much more than I could get in court.
Thanks for reading..
Peace
Bridge
Hi Bridge.
Wow, you've got some decisions to make. Allow me to provide some input.
1 - Don't you have a good job where you're at now? You say you left that particular work arena for a reason, and you also say you wouldn't be staying in it for more than 3.5 years if you returned. Do you want to be in close proximity to him? You say you love the city you're in...for a variety of reasons. And you make more money where you are now. Missing your daughter is a tough one. It's one you've been dealing with for a little while though. Same for your family.
It sounds like, despite the fact that you miss your daughter and family, that you really like it where you are. And you're doing really good there.
Those things carry some weight...they matter!
2 - Sounds like you're close to gettin' it done. I agree, it is sad. And there are no winners. It's a damn shame that it takes a spouse leaving in order for some of us to become better men, husbands, and fathers...but sometimes it does. And we are better. Change can happen, and when it does...it can be profound. Just keep on taking care of yourself then...under the circumstances, it sounds like you'll do OK.
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. - Emerson
ps - yeah, I'm an Emerson fan...Thoreau too.
Hey Bridge...
A thought or two, before I turn in for the night...
1) Job. Update the resume and apply. You can always say no, but you need that face to face interview to help you make those kinds of decisions. Always put in the application. It keeps you 'fresh'. But you already know this.
2) The Big D. I got nothin', babe. It is what it is.
love, Goldey
Hi Bridge-
I agree with Antlers- please don't disregard all your recent progress that you've made since you moved. But I can understand the desire to be near your daughter until she graduates. How's it working out now in that regard?
hugs-
Bunny
Hey Bridge,
No real advice or opions from me just wanted you to know that I am here, not very often, but when I am I check in on you. Your doing great and it will all work out for you, you deserve the best after all that you have been though.
Take care,
Tim
Hi,
Thanks to all of you that offered your feedback.. it is precious to me. I have made a decision...after weighing all the pieces carefully & thoughtfully.. with regards to D15 & myself most importantly.
I decided to stay on the path I'm on. D15 is thriving as things are in different ways than if I was there or she were here
.. our relationship while not what it was.. it is better in a lot of ways without the daily grind of mother/daughter drama & teen-age agnst.
I am thriving where I am... I love it here, I love my path. Are there days when it is cloudy,when I miss the 'familiar'? Yes, but it's just that.. familiar.. it's not a vacancy of an unmet need.
So thank you again my friends for offering your advice and wisdom, it does mean a great deal to me.
I will post more on the D update next
hugs & peace
Bridge
D update
We hopefully had the last mediation meeting this morning.
This went very well..
I'm still amazed sometimes how stupid StBX must think I am... to try
& pull what he does sometimes. I also keep thanking him for being himself.. as it just reaffirms I deserve so much more than who he is & what he can give in a relationship.
End result.. I've got a good deal,... much better financially & custody-wise of D15, than I would get in court and it fits me emotionally..which may sound b--chy
but he is not only going to pay with $$ but also with the stress & struggle of keeping his dream alive with no emotional support & a knives edge walk to balance it all, much like I did when I tried to work on my PhD.... equity in all things.
As far as the property settlement..Over 1/2 of the property settlement up front .. 1/4 of it within the next 30 months.. during which time I don't pay any expenses for the kids in lieu of interest. After I have 3/4 of the property settlement we split the kids expenses 50/50. With neither paying child support or alimony.
The last 1/4 he pays between year 5 & 9, as an unsecured, judgement
proof loan... in order to keep his business solvent with the bank. It still needs to run past the bank, but StBX seems to think it will fly.
If the timeline the mediator laid out this morning holds, I should be
divorced by the end of February.
Relief & sadness all at the same time..
relief for the new beginnings and sadness for the loss of hopes, dreams, partnerships, etc..
I never have done well with good-bye & grieving.
thanks for walking this path with me, those that are still here & reading along.. I have been blessed by your company every step of the way.
Peace
Bridge
D update
I'm still amazed sometimes how stupid StBX must think I am... to try
& pull what he does sometimes. I also keep thanking him for being himself.. as it just reaffirms I deserve so much more than who he is & what he can give in a relationship.
People do not change unless they want to. Unfortunatly for him he will probably never learn as is the case with most of us men. The good thing is it will no longer be your concern at the end of February. My one hope is that you both find common ground that both of you can live with and be civil with each other.
With having two kids in the mix you both will be seeing each other quite often in the future. My parents never learned how to do that and it always made birthdays and stuff uncomfortable.
Good luck Bridge I am glad you made a decission and it's what you want. As long you get to spend quality time with your D I am sure everything will work out on that end also.
Take care,
Tim
Hi Bridge.
I'm glad you decided to stay on the path you're on.
As for the divorce...it's a helluva thing...and a damn shame that things wind up this way. I'm sorry you had to live the way you did, and I hope your healing is coming along well.
Please stick around here. You help.
antlers
Bridge,
I've been lurking around since I moved over here to Big D. Figured it's time to chime in and make myself known.
We hopefully had the last mediation meeting this morning. This went very well..
End result.. I've got a good deal,... much better financially & custody-wise of D15, than I would get in court and it fits me emotionally..which may sound b--chy
Glad you got a good deal with Mediation. Me, not so much, but I can live with it. I'm not a fan of Mediation now, since you are side-by-side, face-to-face with spouse throughout. And the same old dynamics and emotions hang over it and cloud it every step of the way, imo.
If the timeline the mediator laid out this morning holds, I should be divorced by the end of February.
Me, the day after tomorrow. Finally.
Relief & sadness all at the same time..
relief for the new beginnings and sadness for the loss of hopes, dreams, partnerships, etc..
Yep, and those ever present - and continuing - "might have beens."
Good Luck.
Endure.
And peace to you.
My one hope is that you both find common ground that both of you can live with and be civil with each other.
I know... me too.. I keep thinking about sitting next to him at our childrens weddings, grandchildren's baptisms, etc... civility and respect hopefully will make those family events the joyous occassions they should be.
Good luck Bridge I am glad you made a decission and it's what you want. As long you get to spend quality time with your D I am sure everything will work out on that end also.
It will be what it will be, good or bad remains to be seen.
planning to.. going to hit some golf balls tomorrow to work off some of the stress that has accumulated these past few months. Thank goodness for indoor recreation in this frozen tundra!
Wish you were here to enjoy a cold one afterwards!
Peace
Bridge
Hi Bridge.
I'm glad you decided to stay on the path you're on.
me too & with few other friends & family I have shared this with.. I get the same response from them as well. Not that it should matter, but it is nice to know that those that really know me... are glad for this decision for me.
As for the divorce...it's a helluva thing...and a damn shame that things wind up this way.
.. yep.. just straight up sad... anger just covers that up.. if she's angry.. it's a top level emotion for something deepr.
I hope your healing is coming along well.
I have taken a break from IC for the past couple months or so. I need to go back to deal with some of this grief & new phase of my life.
Please stick around here. You help.
Thanks... I give what I can, when I can. It's up to those I give, to take what they can from it. Not everyone wants to hear from us WAW's
Thanks for your support & advice for my sitch. You help too.
Peace
Bridge
antlers [/quote]
Bridge,
I've been lurking around since I moved over here to Big D. Figured it's time to chime in and make myself known.
Hi.. gardener... thanks for stopping by & making yourself known! I appreciate another friend stopping by my corner of this quirky neighborhood.
Glad you got a good deal with Mediation. Me, not so much, but I can live with it. I'm not a fan of Mediation now, since you are side-by-side, face-to-face with spouse throughout. And the same old dynamics and emotions hang over it and cloud it every step of the way, imo.
Actually our mediator didn't 'mediate'.. he legalized what we brought him...I was NOT impressed with this guys skills. He would be good if 2 parties at gotten to an impasse, through traditional mehtods of lawyer vs. lawyer...but he was NOT the typical "tell me about your positions & 'why' you think that.. in order to build consensus from two people committed to finding a common ground.
There were plenty of late night, all day long phone calls with my STbX.. hammering things out. Thankfully, it was 600 miles apart.. we spent less than 6 hours side-by-side in the mediators office... but I can undestand why it could be difficult.
Good Luck.
Endure.
And peace to you.
thanks.. back at ya.. & stop back anytime!
Bridge
Hugs Bridge. Thinking of you today for some reason. love, Goldey
Bridge,
Glad you had/are having a good Mediator experience. Before mine melted down and I called the whole thing off the day before D (which was to have been today) I used to look at her (mediator) when stbxw and I hit an impasse or even just a minor sticking point while mediator just sat there and watched and I'd eventually say, "Well? Mediate!"
Exhausting. Frustrating.
Gardener..I can understand why you'd be frustrated with that. I hope you can get some resolution going the more traditional route. Sometimes you just have to get to the point where there's 'nothing left to lose'.
====
I'm Having a bit of a rough time tonight.
Those little intangibles that were/are still interwoven between StBX and myself, legally as husband & wife, are finally unraveling... makes me sad.
I know I just need to sit with the feeling & 'feel' it, just let it be what it is.
I've gotten better at that over the past 3 years.. heck when I first left I couldn't even name a feeling I was having, now I am comfortable being in the moment with 'being' anything.. and then deciding how to act on it, think about it... very different way to approach life. A much better & more healthy way for me to approach my life.
I'm off to listen to my 'mellow' playlist on my iPod and cry for a bit over what was.
thanks for listening
peace
Bridge
Oh.. goldey.. sorry about not seeing you there earlier... thanks for the thoughts & the hugs.. I guess I needed them now not earlier.. maybe that was the reason
thanks
(((bridge)))
More hugs, honey. Make giant puddles, it's okay.
Hey Bridge. Just checking in on ya'. Hope you are doing OK.
Hi Antlers,
I'm doing well this week... just got back from visiting D15 for an extended week-end. She is doing very well & I am proud of the young woman she is continuing to mature into.
Things are progressing along with the D.. I'm taking the parenting children of divorce class as that is required in our state.. after 3 years of counseling & about every self -help book on R's I could get my hands on... it was a bit tough to sit through 6 hours of basic communication, child welfare & conflict resolution.
Financial pieces of the D are finally agreed to & we just need the mediator to write that portion up, have each of our lawyers give them a final look-see at the whole thing & then sign. Once that is done.. my lawyer can get it to a judge & it can be 'done' that same day. ETA for the D.... end of the month.
I am continuing my GAL.. I have recently started my own meetup group (a wine lovers group- sadly lacking in a town of this size), I signed up for a divorce care class through a local 'super-church' that starts in a few weeks, I have some dating profiles up on a few of the free sites, I volunteer at one of the local dog shelters once a week, work out at the gym 3-4x a week, and am active with a couple of women's groups & newcomers group here in town as well.
StBX keeps doing things that reminds me why I needed to get out of that unhealthy R... I keep trying to remember to thank him...
Thanks for stopping by & checking on me.
Peace
Bridge
Hi.. moving here from WAS forum.
I don't really fit in 'divorced but not done' as I AM "done".
I'm copying & pasting my last post from WAS here... to provide a bit of context.
======
A lot has happened since I last posted.
I have taken a new job, moved to a new city .. many miles away from friends & family. D15 has decided to stay with StBX where she has friends & is just starting her freshman year. I support her in this choice, but am sad and miss her a great deal.
StBX also has not returned to IC, nor made appointments for us to see MC despite my requests he do so. In discussing this as well as the other marital issues over the past few months we came to a mutual agreement to stay married in name only for financial reasons (family business he runs & college financial aid for S19) and work on ourselves as well as prioritizing trust, emotional safety & the friendship.
Some conditions were put on that: if either of us wished to pursue a R with another we would D 1st... or if there were more physical violence, the D would be filed.
Sadly, the 2nd one materialized before the 1st one.
We are seeking lawyers to finalize the agreement.. I"m moving my thread to "Surviving" and working to 'move along' with life.
===
And so here I am...
Do I buy drinks now or wait until the papers are signed?.. Or both?
Peace
Bridge
There is never an excuse for physical or sexual abuse, if the man can't control himself and has no issues with physically harming you, the best thing to do for your safety was leaving.
You can start having a drink anytime, I'm glad you're safe now.
Other than waiting on the tax liabilities amount for 2009, it is done.
nice & neatly in 16 pages
The parties agree they have made substantial efforts of reconciliation and agree further conciliation, if ordered would serve no purpose and would be fruitless and should be waived. The parties by execution of this stipulation acknowledge that there has been a breakdown of the marriage relationship to the extent that the legitimate objects of matrimony have been destroyed and there remains not reasonable likelihood that this marriage can be preserved.
It's really, really hard to be a hopeful person, which I count as one of my main qualities, and sign this.
I am praying for strength today and for God to calm the storm inside me.
Peace
Bridge
Hi Bridge.
I'm sorry, and I understand. None of us are prepared for the level of hurt that we feel regarding the breakup of a marriage. It's deeper and more gut wrenching than most people can imagine, unless they've been through it themselves. The end of our life as we've known it, the loss of our hopes and dreams, and all of the negative emotions that go along with it...the intensity of our emotions is, at times, unbearable.
But people can change, and when they do, it can be remarkable. And I believe that since people can change, then our lives can change too, and when they do, they can be remarkable also!
I will have some good thoughts for you Bridge, and ask for you the same thing that you closed your post with.
antlers
Bridge,
I HATED signing the Decree. BC I didn't agree with the phrasing.
"BOTH parties agree that the marriage has deteriorated, yada yada yada, to the point where it cannot be restored."Actually, pal, I thought it COULD be restored, but you refused to even try!!
At first I felt like a liar signing it because I didn't believe our marriage could not be restored.
But then I re-framed it in my mind. Because he was NOT willing to make any efforts to change, it was true. Our marriage could not be restored since I was the only one trying. So then I was able to sign it...
Enjoy the speech stuff this weekend!
But then I re-framed it in my mind. Because he was NOT willing to make any efforts to change, it was true. Our marriage could not be restored since I was the only one trying. So then I was able to sign it...
Hey thanks for stopping by!
Yeah.. I had to do something similar.. while StBXH was 'willing', being able to do the deed and change to the level that provided safety & trust in an intimate relationship was not something he seemed to manage on a consistant basis
As a teacher I guess I fundementally believed that most people, with the exceptions of damage mentally & physically & even then there are amazing feats, when properly motivated are capable of most anything. Him seeming to not be capapble.. really rocked my world and saddened me.
So, as you I reframed.. we tried as best we could given the circumstances.. for one reason or another, willingness or ability.. it was best to part ways to allow growth & recovery for both.
Peace
Bridge
I imagine it'll be hard for me to sign too when the time comes.
If he made the changes you were desiring, what was the crux? Was he just not able to be consistent?
he made some of the changes I was desiring, not all of them.. and the last physical assault pretty much sealed the deal... so in a way..
you could say his consistancy for not being physically abusive, was something he is not able to do.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes we don't know what we've lost till it's gone.
His parting comment to me this week-end was
"I'm sorry I was unable to find a path back to us for you, that was safe and kind"
I replied.. yep me too.
It is what it is
C'est la vie.
Que sera sera
and life goes on....
Peace
Bridge
His parting comment to me this week-end was
"I'm sorry I was unable to find a path back to us for you, that was safe and kind"
I replied.. yep me too.
What do you think of his parting comment Bridge? Do you think it was compassionate, honest, and him 'owning' his transgressions?
I think it was compassionate, honest, and him 'owning' that he feels he did all he could to shine the light home in a way that was safe and kind.
This is part of the reasons I probably waffled as long as I did with him... this ability, on occassion to be insightful into what I need & he could provide: compassion, kindness and safety led me to think he could do it with more regularity & consistency
sadly, the other neglectful and abusive behaviours interspersed between the kindness & compassion, negated the safety. What I called his Dr. Jekyll, Mr Hyde persona.
I never knew who was going to walk in the door after he had worked an 18 hour day, or make an appearance during an argument. I walked on eggshells too long, especially between the last 2 incidents.
Comments like that make me sad, because I see glimmers of hope for the man he could grow into ...
I hope for his sake, the sake of his children and future partner, he finds a way to do that. I won't wait around any longer to see if he chooses to figure it out & actually do the work.
Peace
Bridge
It is a sad thing to be able to see glimpses of what 'could be' and just not being able to wait anymore for his changes to be consistent and permanent, or even know if they ever will be.
It is also a sad thing for someone to make the changes and have them really be consistent and permanent, and not be given a chance.
well,
almost there..
StbXH has called the past 3 mornings way too early. I thought we were past this.
First one was about the name change.. something I had informed him & the mediator about through an email 2 weeks ago... why it had to come out at 4:05am Tuesday morning.. I'll never know.. but it did... nasty viscious gutteral pain.. dumped on me.
2nd one, yesterday was about his failure as a father since our D15 & S20 got into a nasty fight and S20 told him afterwards that I should come back & get our daughter & get her away from him because he's ruining her. S20 left to go back to college & not on so good terms with his Dad.
His facebook update read...
Seeing my life. Flash backwards in light. Understanding is a cruel wife.
Not sure what he understands now... or if it's just the jaded understanding of a myopic 20 year old who thinks he's 'lived life' now that he's been on his own for 2 years.
Sadly, my heart breaks for him if he does truly understand how unhealthy this R was for years. The debate about staying married fro the sake of the children strikes a chord with me because I still wonder how much healthier my children would be if they hadn't been exposed to the unhealthiness of the R they witnessed as their main role model for a marriage.. the unhealthy ways we communicated, the unhealthy ways we 'loved' each other, argued, walked on eggshells, unresolved conflict, co-parented, divided household chores, etc....
so many unhealthy things we showed them as 'normal'.... staying for the sake of the kids, seeing the effect of their learned behaviour on their interactions with others as they move into adulthood... sometimes I think was a great disservice than leaving.
3rd phone call was this morning.. he has an appointment to sign D papers, still not sure why he hasn't gone to sign them his lawyer has had them long enough...
again more gutteral visceral pain dumped on me for the 'ending of our marriage'
I responded .."yep, I filed for Divorce, I signed the papers first... but you 'ended' it when you headbutted me, when I was trying to apologize to you 6 months ago."
Which is the real marriage ender? I'll let God decide.
I am indulging in much self-care this week-end.
A dear friend is coming in from the States on Saturday for his spring break week and I'm looking forward to a nice week with him here.
I'm using the unused portion of the retainer from my lawyer to take care of me. I have a reflexology & pedicure for this afternoon and a massage & facial tomorrow.
Ahhh... calgon take me away!
Peace
Bridge
Hello Bridge.
Why does he call so early?
Was it his pain that he dumped on you?
Kids are the innocent victims in this crap. Does he love the kids?
Whose FaceBook update are you talking about?
I don't know about him, but I do understand how unhealthy our own relationship was for years. Our kids would have been better off had they not been exposed to the unhealthiness of the relationship they witnessed as their main role model for a marriage...the unhealthy ways we communicated, the unhealthy ways we 'loved' each other, argued, walked on eggshells, unresolved conflict, co-parented, divided household chores, etc.. I do know that. However, given the fact that I never denied the role that I played or the mistakes that I made, I shouldered them, all of them, I owned them and took responsibility...and I changed for the better...much better...I do believe the kids would have been better off, much better off, had I been given a chance by their mother, instead of the way their lives are now because of the decisions that their mother has made.
If kids are resilient regarding their parents separation and divorce, then they can certainly be resilient regarding the changes that a parent makes that will make the marriage and all lives involved better! They can overcome, through their resiliency, the unhealthy ways they were shown as 'normal' and their interaction with others as they move into adulthood because of their learned behavior...if their parent makes the necessary changes, via compassion, and is given a chance by the other spouse. Divorcing, I believe, is a greater disservice to the kids under these circumstances, than showing them that good change is possible.
I know where you're at Bridge, and I understand, but these paragraphs of yours resonated with me in particular, so I commented on them pertaining to myself and my situation.
I wish your StbXH had made different decisions and stuck to them. Sounds like he's hurting too.
Indulge yourself. You certainly deserve it.
ps - I'm sorry you're here...but I'm glad you're here...know what I mean?
Bridge,
Really sorry that it all had to come down this way. Your did what you had to do for yourself and it was the right thing to do no matter what he says or does. It took real courage on your part.
I think of that now that I am in the process of moving out myself. I still hold out hope that my W will get the help she needs and we can resolve our issues but its hard to know what the future holds.
Take care Bridge. You know how to get ahold of me if you need a guy who will listen.
Also you don't have to answer the phone at 4am if you dont want to.
Tim
Hello Bridge.
Why does he call so early?
because he can't sleep, he's hurting & lonely & I still care enough to listen.
Was it his pain that he dumped on you?
yep
Kids are the innocent victims in this crap. Does he love the kids?
that would be mind reading, but yes I have no doubts he loves the kids.
Whose FaceBook update are you talking about?
S20
I wish your StbXH had made different decisions and stuck to them. Sounds like he's hurting too.
yep.. I have no doubts he is.
Indulge yourself. You certainly deserve it.
spent most of this past week-end doing just that.
ps - I'm sorry you're here...but I'm glad you're here...know what I mean?
Most definitely.. same from me to you.
Peace
bridge
Bridge,
Really sorry that it all had to come down this way. Your did what you had to do for yourself and it was the right thing to do no matter what he says or does. It took real courage on your part.
thanks tim.. means a lot to hear it.
I think of that now that I am in the process of moving out myself. I still hold out hope that my W will get the help she needs and we can resolve our issues but its hard to know what the future holds.
I hear you.. hope spring eternal, but hopelessness is a reasonable feeling to have for an unreasonable situation.
You know how to get ahold of me if you need a guy who will listen.
. thanks that means a LOT.. same for you, but a gal who will listen.
Peace
Bridge
Just journalling..
Called my lawyer this morning.. the D papers will be signed by the judge tomorrow, delivered to the court house in the afternoon for filing.
So by nightfall 3.11.2010 I will officially be single..I have a delicious bottle of wine and a dear friend to commemorate the passing of this event in my life. I am blessed for that.
I hate to say a 'celebration' because it's just plain sad.
But without endings, there can be no new beginnings.
Thanks to everyone who has read along, offered advice, 2 x 4'd me, supported, cared about, and just 'been here'.
I have learned & grown so much and in so many ways I could not have imagined when I joined 2.5 years ago... again, I am blessed for all of you and what you have done.
Peace
Bridge
Wow, that is a journey. Why was it so long between separation and filing?
Was there any point in the process that you thought, hey this is turning around, or was it one long painful procession to the end?
But without endings, there can be no new beginnings.
Hey Bridge,
You've had a long journey. Tomorrow is just another day - a bit of business. You'll still have to deal with him. But it's nice to have the support of the legal system when you finally say, "I've done all I can do and now it's finally time to move on."
I've got a bottle of Bogle Phantom I bought when a friend came to visit - I'll open it tomorrow and toast from afar to your health, your healing, and your future successes.
take care, lodo
Hi Lodo
I have experience with that particular vintage. It is marvelous... especially when shared with good friends. I wish I was as fortunate to have it up here in the great white north.
In my last night as a 'married person' to 'that man', I'm sitting here, having my own glass of wine, listening to Patty Griffin she seems appropriate given her involvement in the process(thanks for the introduction), thinking of what could be.
It don't come easy, but I feel there is light for more steps than the one I'm on tonight. I don't know nothing, except change will come.
Simple is best. Tonight I cry for the love I've lost.
Peace
gerBid
Simple is best. Tonight I cry for the love I've lost.
I hope I can face the end of my road -- and beginning of another -- with as much strength.