Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: dday101798 Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 05:45 PM
Hi all,

moving over from divorced but not done.

D went through 6/9/09 and I'm actually releaved and doing great much to my surprise.

So, checking in, I understand drinks are on me?
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 06:44 PM
If you're buying, I'll take a Bombay Sapphire and Tonic with a twist of lime please!
Posted By: ernest88 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 06:52 PM
Quote:
I'll take a Bombay Sapphire and Tonic with a twist of lime please!


Christ on a Pony....Bombay Sapphire..that sounds like some type wedding ring... eek

did I just say wedding ring..??? shocked

I'll take a shot of Petron and a "Thomas Creek Red" on draft please..

I'm sorry you're here...but welcome..I guess???

I never know what to say...

but free drinks are cool
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 07:16 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
If you're buying,


Hmm, I guess I got snookered. crazy

Eh well, sure I'm buying, it's virtual money grin
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 07:32 PM
That's the best kind!!!!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 08:34 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
That's the best kind!!!!!!


Yeah, unforrtunately attorney's dont' seem to accept it often. frown

BTW, has anyone else's attorney continued to e-mail them on "just checking up on you basis" at no charge?

And dear god, please don't say maybe he thinks I'm cute, this guys been through enough and I certainly don't swing that way.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 08:41 PM
HA!

Nope. Haven't heard from my attorney and I'm relatively certain that she doesn't think I'm the least bit cute. She's quite a shark though and wanted to drag my ex to court so badly and get his OW on the stand! smile Yeah....GA is NOT a no-fault state. smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 08:55 PM
Haha, I got an ear full from the bailiff when I demanded someone get OM the 'f' out room since he had no business being there in the first place.

But then again, didn't help when my attorney said the exact same thing.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 09:02 PM
HA! Yeah, that's a good one.

Like Mike said, never know what to say in these situations. Congrats doesn't sound right, sorry sounds very defeatest and lame, and 'better luck next time' SERIOUSLY isn't right! smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 09:21 PM
By golly I guess we'll all just have to invent the proper term then.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 09:30 PM
ok...working on it.....any suggestions?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 09:40 PM
Condolations?
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/11/09 09:45 PM
Ooooohhhh....good one!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 02:12 PM
Day 3 of a new outlook on life and all is well. The rains have cleared and it is a fine fantastic looking Friday.

Other than one of these days I to learn Leine's kick my butt every time and I feel like crap the next day.

OH!, XW called last night, I immeditaely rejected the call. No message so I know it was her, S12 woul dleave a voice mail and S11 would send a text, so it was her. First attempt of contact since her explosion after the D on Tuesday, kind of curius as to what she wanted, probably a fight, why bother? The guns of was have been laid down and for now it's a cease fire, give it up already.

Going to my H/R department today and removing her from all my benefits, the one last thing to do.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 02:30 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
The guns of was


That was supposed to read, "the guns of war", geesh, need to proof read more often.

Oh and another thing, an obvious sign of my sense of humor returning, my cousin I live with while I recover my finances goes out all night with her boyfriend after leaving me a "honey do" list on the fridge. i razzed her this morning and said that is a pattern in life I'm going to have to break and I'm divorcing her too.

EDIt, except for the REAL D was instigated and sought by XW.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 02:41 PM
Get 'er Done!!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 03:02 PM
Isn't there a mouretoreum (sp?) on times of day Larry the Cable Guy refrences can be made? lol smile
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 03:12 PM
Not on Friday. That only applies Mo-Th!

Didn't you know that Friday is officially known as "Anything Goes" Day?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 03:17 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422


Didn't you know that Friday is officially known as "Anything Goes" Day?


Suhweet!

I'm printing this out and showing it to my boss then, sick of being denied installing a beer tap on my desk. I mean come on, when not in use, it's a conversation piece!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 03:24 PM
I've been pushing for "Martini Mondays", "Tequila Tuesdays", "Whiskey Wednesdays", and "Tanqueray Thursday" FOREVER but no one has bought into that one either.

Good luck with the tap! If you come up with a good argument for it (beside's the convo piece) let me know. smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 03:33 PM
I can also make it ecofrendly.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 07:29 PM
So, slap in the face for XW, free ride is over, benefits cut off.

called her and left a voice mail as directed in the settlement agreement, she's got health coverage til the end of the month and a package on COBRA info will be sent out in a week or so for her to decide what to do.

She did call back right away, but I was ordering my lunch which was a little more important to me. Didn't leave a message which is her way of saying she's upset. Sorry hon, but you should of thought of that BEFORE living in adultrey and then filing for divorce.

EDIT- I need a drink

Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 08:34 PM
Pour me one too!

So she's upset? Wwwaaaaahhhhh....she filed, she wanted all this, she thought she would continue to get a free ride? WRONG!

Reality is a b*tch!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 08:53 PM
Oh, like I said, she went ballistic after court when I asked her for her new adress so that I can update beneficiary info for the kids and she looks and sasy "I'm not a beneficiary any more?" Ummm, DUH! HELLO!! The only inhertiance in the future for you tutz is a STD courtesy of OM and your 'open' relationship!

So yeah, she needs a binky and bottle. i just need a cold one laugh
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 09:13 PM
So get one buddy! smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 09:18 PM
Since I'm not sure how many folks are up to my sitch from the other threads lingering around the boards, a little over a month ago I ran into an old 'crush' from back in the high school era but a relation was not really an option at the time (20 years ago).

She too is divorced and has been a great help in the final hours.

Subsequently, interests sparked and we've gone a few dates and really have a good time and mesh well.

Anyway, we have a 'date day' tomorrow and I'm very much looking forward to it.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 09:19 PM
AWESOME! Have a fun time, just know that it's fun only....no rushing anything. You need lots of time to heal properly.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/12/09 09:24 PM
Oh of course no rushing, I made it plain and simple that I DO NOT want this to be a rebound.

Due to financial constraints and living arrangements on both sides, there is plenty of time ahead before ANYTHING serious can ensue. But the future is bright an dI'm healing every day laugh

But given there's history, it's naturaly open to more than 'fun only'.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 02:48 PM
Day 6 and still going strong, sort of.

Mixed bag of a weekend. "Date day" over all went very well while it lasted. Went on the boat tours and all over Navy Pier, for those not familiar with Chicago, it's kind of like a mall/year round nieghborhood fest. Has a really tall ferris wheel which we did go on, and I'm afraid of heights so that wasn't all that fun for me.

Anyway, we spent all day walking around holding hands and being openly affectionatae which was great as XW wouldn't for what 12 years and always said I was "crowding her". Finished the night off with the fireworks show and had a rather inconvenient commute back to our cars, but it the end it all worked out.

Then there's the problems. As I said, we have a bit of history as said, and bringing things up to a dating level have been going on for a couple of months now. Well, turns out the D has taken a unexpected toll on me that I have to figure out and now I have intimacy issues, great.

Then there's the other problem. We mesh very very well as we both are divorced and know what it's like to be treated like junk, her XH cheated on her multiple times even after she tried to give him one more chance several years ago. As a result of that one more chance, they live together in a seperated state due to finances. She is actively looking to move out at the moment. i have voiced openly I am not comfortable with that arrangement and she has stepped up the search for a place of her own. But, Saturday her XH was supposed to have a day with their kids, instead he dumped them off on a friend and stayed home. When she and I parted after getting off the train, we both agreed to text each other when we got home ok, it was 1:30 in the morning so the drunks were out and all. No sooner than when I got home and sat down for a smoke and a long awaited beer, she texted she was home, good night. I texted back, I'm home too and wanted to talk about how embarresed I was finding out the unexpected intimacy issue. She replied, "I'm going to bed please don't text me any more tonight".

[insert screaching tires and collision noise please]

RED FLAG!

That request has NEVER been made and my phone bill is a mess because I went way over on plan from texting back and forth all night long. So why all the sudden the kids aren't there and it's just them, living in a seperated state and now I can't text her? This did not sit well.

THEN, yesterday as I'm having my coffee she sends her usual morning greeting and I just reply that I'm just getting up and feel blah, can we please talk later. She says sure and have a great day. i had to replace the starter in my cousin's van later on and she had texted several times just to say hi and what not. Then all of the sudden "Me,XH and kids are at the pool" don't text me in case he picks up my phone".

Oh hell no! Now I can handle that if he were to see something it would create an issue and she'd be out in the street or something. But I voiced my displeasure later on and that excuse wasn't even offered up. Something is seriously rotten in Denmark there. I basically put it out on the table that this isn't right, it's very simple math and I did not appreciate being "coded out". If you two were seperated and he goes out and sleeps with other people all the time, why should it matter anyway?!?!

I kept it out of arguement stage, but none the less damage is done. She didn't even send her usual good morning message this morning, and I broke the ice with 'good morning, hope you have a nice day', all she replied was "u2", I said 'good band at one point' and haven't heard from her since.

Sooooo, yeah, not good.

And such is life.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 03:28 PM
OUCH!

Living together even in a separated state is still...in the end....still M'd! Extricate ASAP! You're asking for a ton of BS to fall on you brother.

LOVE Navy Pier. Loads of fun.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 03:41 PM
I know, I voiced my concern to her about it before and was assured, no way no how, he goes out and his own thing while she's left to do nothing but take care of the house and kids.

Even with that, still a level of discomfort. But to be told not to contact her while she's there with him, and ONLY him, no way.

I'm a very possesive person as she says she is too. But this is just not acceptable. I'm going to send a quick e-mail and jsut ask when can we straighten out the facts at hand here. She as also having dealt with adultery should be more than understanding of what I feel right now, but just doesn't seem to get it.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 03:50 PM
Not to be a stick in the mud.....but.....technically, she's committing adultery too because she is not legally divorced. The state of the R doesn't really count where that is concerned. M'd people don't date. smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 04:09 PM
Oh, no, they are divorced, 8 years. She left and took the kids when it was all said and done. He begged and pleaded and said he'd change, blah, blah blah and she came back and gave him another chance. He didn't change and it's supposed to be a 'it is what it is' type situation.

I sent a e-mail, subject lined "Just a fitting horoscope" of mine of the day:

"Gemini (May 21-June 21): 6. If you're having trouble understanding an older person's whims, stop thinking logically. React emotionally. That's what the other person is doing. Don't expect this to make sense."

No reply as of yet.

The dynamics of situation between us are pretty unique and involves my younger 1/2 sister's as she was one of their mother's better friends. So when I told my told my sister that we were 'dating' on Saturday, she was happy for me, but at the same time voiced some concern over her and her XH, so I guess I now know what that meant as it was pretty vague.

What a shame.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 04:21 PM
Oh, and anyway,

Haven't heard one lick from XW nor the kids (since last sunday frown ) as she promissed to let them call me.

I think I am going to have to cave and call her phone tonight and go through her. Hopefully the weekend simmered her down and she won't be in fight mode, but none the less, she probably will and I will just have to terminate the call as normal.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 04:21 PM
Too bad.

Sorry, misunderstood. I thought had meant that she had given him another chance as in re-married and now separated again. Got it. That's SUPER messy. If they are D'd then why is she so concerned about him seeing texts from you? And when the kids aren't even there, and they are alone in the house.....eeeeekkkkk. That doesn't seem like a healthy situation to be stuck in the middle of, especially when you are trying to recover from a nasty D yourself.

Time alone is a GOOD thing! Very healing.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 04:29 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
If they are D'd then why is she so concerned about him seeing texts from you? And when the kids aren't even there, and they are alone in the house.....eeeeekkkkk.


Exactamundo!

I sent my ice breakers to give her a chance to re-explain this and she opts not to respond. So, it's not like I didn't try and have no problem letting this fish go.

time alone, understood, just thought it wouldn't hurt, it's almost been a year now since I've confirmed XW's OM, and another year before that that things were questionable, so I'm just tired of being lonely I guess.

Over all, I still feel great! (other than being concerned of the recent discovery on the intimate issue, but I think my thoughts about this one and her XH played into that also)

It's day by day and whatever happens, happens.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 06:07 PM
When it's right, things will be right. No worries.

I understand the being lonely. You just need to make sure that you are dating for the right reason, of course. Not to fill your lonely life, but the enhance your already fabulous life. I say this out of nothing but concern, of course.

My D was final last November. My xh left for ow 11 months before that. He had been having the A with her for 8 months before that. It's been a long time, but it's also given me a lot of time to grown and rediscover the woman I had lost inside of my M. That's been wonderful!

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, just make sure that you aren't searching for someone to fulfill you, complete you, or save you from yourself. Because if you're not happy all alone, it's tough to be happy inside a R that is going to take all of your energy. smile I'm ALL for enhancement though!!!!!!

Yep......IMO......cut bait on that one! :0
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 06:18 PM
Thanks Mish, I hear ya.

I broke and sent a email just wanting to know why it would matter if they were in fact seperated. So we shall see.

I am happy and content with myself. But, I have missed everything she promissed. My XW was only affectionate when she wanted to be. Hell on our own wedding night when she is supposed to be and was the most beautiful woman I ever saw, she told me at our reception to stop hanging all over her and let her breathe! WTF?

We never did the simplest thing like hold hands while walking in public, seldomly in the car did we after the first 6 months of being together. So I have missed out on a lot. And that is exactly what we did Saturday, it was wonderful

Truth be told, I wasn't searching, we just met up at a hockey game, starting chatting and came to find out we both were have missed out on a lot and both had feelings going back almost 20 years, so now that we're single again, what the hay, let's see where this goes. So I guess that's why I'm not overly upset about it. We were supposed to open and truthful about everything.

She knows I still love my XW, and so I put the ball in her court and asked, if I lived with XW and had no kids in the house and told you not to contact me, how would you feel? What would you think?

Got my scissors out and propping the pole, ready to cut.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 07:04 PM
Snip snip. smile

I hear ya on missing out on stuff. My xh was a HUGE romantic while we were dating. We dated 4 years before we got married and he never really slacked off on being affectionate and romantic. The pastor said "I now pronounce you man and wife" and from that moment on, other that sex, he stopped showing any affection ever. No hugs (unless I initiated them), no hand holding (unless I took his hand and even then he would pull his away after a couple of minutes), no kissing (again, unless I initiated it and then it was always a game of dodge 'em with him). I'm an extremely affectionate woman so that was my undoing. I found it very hard to be sexually open when my emotional needs weren't met. Very strange to be married to someone like that. I don't think I've ever known a woman who was like that with the man in her life......weird. smile

Glad you're comfortable with jumping ship if need be. smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/15/09 08:49 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
I don't think I've ever known a woman who was like that with the man in her life......weird. smile

Glad you're comfortable with jumping ship if need be. smile


Yep, just my luck I married the oddity of the species, go figure. It's just funny in retrospect, someone who didn't seem to enjoy physical contact that much and relations became a chore it seemed, yet is now in relation ship based on what she (XW)didn't want with me? Screwy.

And it's very comfortable to jump ship when it hadn't left the harbor yet. laugh

Too much drama, I'm writing a soap opera.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/16/09 01:41 PM
And here we go again.

XW wants to do nothing but fight, same old issues, won't drop them and now holds my boys as collateral. Real nice. Why? Give it up already!!!!!

So, once again, haven't eaten in 2 days, feel rotten, depressed, and without closure.

And yet, she doesn't know what she wants.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/16/09 02:00 PM
So, she's fighting with you about the same old stuff. Is she able to hold the boys over your head legally? Is she violating the custody agreement? If so, call your lawyer RIGHT NOW!

Not eating anything will only make you feel worse. At least choke down some fruit.

I'm sorry you are going through this depression still. What do you normally do to lift your spirits?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/17/09 02:43 PM
Day 8 and back in recovery mode. frown

Got nowhere with XW trying to settle the air. I don't know how much simpler I can make this, there is no point in continuing to fight anymore! Xw says it's because I get an attitude with her, well, you took everything in my life away and show no remorse for doing so, what do you expect?

I apologized for my uneccesary comments and behavior. did XW? heck no.

So let's factor in no food, and one too many beers, and viola! Recipe for for destruction. My cousin's pissed at me, my XW won't drop it already, missed work, almost caused myself serious bodily harm trying skateboard (the way I used to blow steam off), and now I'm just at a rebuilding stage again. Eh well, as fast they come on I'm getting better at getting over it quicker.

As far XW withholding the kids, yep, it's against the joint parenting agreement and I already told her that I will not tolerate it. So what does she finally do, have S12 leave a coached message asking if I can pick them up at 'her house' on Friday for the weekend (another no-no) at a time when she knew I couldn't answer my phone. XW has displayed time and time again that she cares very little what any of the legalities of situation imply, and some day that will be her undoing.

I just really wish this animosity could be dropped and life be some what saner. Would we be best buddies? No, not by a long shot. Some of what she says tho, really screams she regrets wht she's done, but it's a bit too late for that. ugggh.

As for new person in my life, we clearred the air on the issue, however I am going to take a few steps back and work to resolve the issues with XW before anything else transpires.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/17/09 02:49 PM
Quote:
As for new person in my life, we clearred the air on the issue, however I am going to take a few steps back and work to resolve the issues with XW before anything else transpires.


Good plan. Settle your life before you involve someone else.

I hate to say it, but the cycling will continue for a while still. Heck, I'm still going through it and probably will for a number of years still. I just try not to dwell on it. smile Easier said than done.

So, skateboarding is probably not a good plan for blowing steam. Do you have a gym membership? How about going and punching the heavy bag a while?

It's a no-no for you to pick him up at her house? Is it an agreement to meet in a neutral place? Is it more important to get your time with your child, or to follow the letter of the legal agreement regarding the pick up place? Pick your battles you know.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/17/09 03:12 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422

It's a no-no for you to pick him up at her house? Is it an agreement to meet in a neutral place? Is it more important to get your time with your child, or to follow the letter of the legal agreement regarding the pick up place? Pick your battles you know.


It's a no-no to use to the kids to make any schedule changes. This will also be addressed hopefuly today. I did just send a 'ice breaker' text to XW that the local AHL hockey team meeting I went to last night was fairly uneventful and not one of the players were in a attendance, just the general manager, so the boys would have been bored to tears, I know I was. When I told XW I was going last night she wanted to know why I wasn't taking the kids, I told her it was a last minute ordeal and I was already running late for it. Probably won't net a response, but I really want to try and repair our lines of communication and get things to a better or best as possible standing between us.

She just carries so much resentment and has made herself believe that all her stories are true and justify what she's done and it's soooo frustrating. And then within a few minutes, she will hint that she somewhat regrets what she's done but then regresses and goes right back to resentment.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 06/17/09 03:35 PM
I have been somewhat catching up on your situation and the part of how your wife acted on your wedding night brought back memories.

My stbx and I had a very small wedding and reception. We didn't go anywhere for our honeymoon but back to our apartment. After watching tv for about an hour he proceeds to go get in bed and says he has a headache leaving me up watching more tv. I guess right then and there I should have figured how my marriage was going to be.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/17/09 03:51 PM
Same here.

We used a small, but cute little wedding chappel (actually almost bought it later on) and reception at hotel, decent size but not extraviggant. Went to 6 flags for our 'honeymoon' with the plan to go on a cruise at a later time.

Well, in light of things really getting bad, I figured our 10th would have been the ideal time to go and days within purchasing with no way out. Thank goodness I didn't. But that's why it stinged a bit for me.

However, XW made it a point everyday after our wedding as often as possible that we wish, call (or now text) each other 'happy anniversary' at 10:17. For months after the seperation began and OM was revealed I could not look at clock anywhere near that time as I anticipated that call/message.

I hope by the end of the day my recovery is well, seems to have been the way lately. But talking with XW could change that for better or worse (oooohhhh, bad pun. lol )
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 06/17/09 04:06 PM
All we can do it live one day at a time.

I have to admit I have been rather happy lately. Like you I met someone "again" from my past. We have been seeing each other for about 7 months now. Neither of us is looking for anything serious. It is just nice to hang out and spend time together.

Stay positive!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/17/09 04:28 PM
Yeah, I think I just let that dreaded creature called expectation creap in there somehow. Gonna go hunt that bugger down and lock it back up.

Yes, one day at a time, for sure. Just need to keep it one day, per issue at a time, lol.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/17/09 09:50 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Good plan. Settle your life before you involve someone else.

I hate to say it, but the cycling will continue for a while still. Heck, I'm still going through it and probably will for a number of years still. I just try not to dwell on it. smile Easier said than done.


You know I kept re-reading this over and over. How do you know when you're fully settled? I mean honestly, unitl XW started playing the same old games Monday night I thought I was absolutely fine. I did not care about her, OM, the D, none of it, just the ability to see my boys when I want. I mean yeah the actual D is only a week, understood, but I knew back in December that chances for saving the M were slim and to start slowly cutting my losses in order to a avoid a thermal nuclear meltdown the day the D would have finally come. And I think I did a good job of that.

I mean, I'm not in jail or dead as everyone thought I'd be like Michael Douglas' character on "Falling Down" and just snap.

But I'm just not in control of my self for that rare moment now and I do scare myself.

For now, I'm working on two options to co-exist peacfully.

1- As requested of XW several times, let us go to a open public place that will not hande any fighting back and forth, but also a place where we'd be embaressed to do so and thus force ourselves to behave if need be. I think If we did that a long time ago, things would be much different today.

2- Give up the desire to speak. Get the kids their own phone on my plan and all communication between each other should thereby written and certified.

I think option 2 is what sets me off with her, it's truly pathetic that 2 grown adults that swore the world to each other and nurtured two soles into the very same world can not have a simple conversation based off of one simple priniciple: RESPECT. I respect her in the fact that although I personally feel D and abonding the vows of marriage is not the way to resovle our issues, but she does, and until she changes that point of view, no-one can for her. On the other foot tho, it would sure be nice if she would respect me and blame me entirely for the D, and mainly, blame me for the reason OM is with her, that's just insane.

It was hard enough up to the D, but now that it's over, why drag it on anymore?

Never got a response to the text from earlier and probably won't. I don't know, what is her idea of this? What she's supposed to marry OM now and I'm supposed to go steal her away from him 'cause that sure seems to be how it seems crazy
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/18/09 01:51 PM
dday....not sure what to tell you other than a piece of paper that says your D is final is only that.....a piece of paper. They underlying emotion connected to the dissolving of your M is what needs to be dealt with. Until you can no longer look at your xw as "doing this to you and your kids", you will carry the emotion on your sleeve.

RESPECT is earned. She lost your respect when she left for OM. At some point, you lost her respect or she would not have done it in the first place. The point is to now RESPECT your respective roles as parents to your children. Business only. No emotion. The logistics of co-parenting take a LOT of time to organize and become comfortable with. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

I know you say that you are done with her. That she is done with you. Are you sure about that? If you were, do you think you would still have this much emotion about what she is saying or doing?
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 06/18/09 01:58 PM
Quote:
2- Give up the desire to speak. Get the kids their own phone on my plan and all communication between each other should thereby written and certified.



What is the point of spending more money when you don't have to? If I didn't want to speak to my stbx when he called I would just let the kids answer the phone. That way I didn't have to talk. It is simple.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/18/09 02:42 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
dday....not sure what to tell you other than a piece of paper that says your D is final is only that.....a piece of paper. They underlying emotion connected to the dissolving of your M is what needs to be dealt with. Until you can no longer look at your xw as "doing this to you and your kids", you will carry the emotion on your sleeve.

RESPECT is earned. She lost your respect when she left for OM. At some point, you lost her respect or she would not have done it in the first place. The point is to now RESPECT your respective roles as parents to your children. Business only. No emotion. The logistics of co-parenting take a LOT of time to organize and become comfortable with. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

I know you say that you are done with her. That she is done with you. Are you sure about that? If you were, do you think you would still have this much emotion about what she is saying or doing?


Day 9 and what a mess.

Mish, all of your points above couldn't have come at a stranger time. Last night at 5pm as I'm trying to leave work, I get a call from XW's number. I answer and it's s12 wanting to know what I'm up to yadda-yadda, all the while XW is in the background 'coaching' him. Then S11 gets on and much the same, he was excited because he finally made the B honor roll, I'm very proud of him. Then comes the inevitable, XW is on the phone.

First we discuss plans for the weekend for the kids with me, then school, and then, her voice drops and it's into the "state of the union". Without going into detail as I got hit with so much all at once, I just don't know what to think of it all:

A) we're both sorry for being short with each other, myself mainly and the ability to speak civily must be obtained.

B) the war is over, the wrongs on both sides took their tolls on the M and it would be nice if they could be laid to rest once and for all.

C) XW proclaims she did none of this to hurt me. Obviously, this statement is hard to swallow and I voiced that politely, and XW became remorseful to my statement that it is what she wanted. She says it is absolutley not what she wanted and her life is a mess. She even went so far as to belittle OM a couple of occasions, referring to him as her chauffer. Swears she did not set out to destroy me, although the final result says differently.

D) In conjunction with C above, the kicker, XW proclaims she has always loved me, still loves and me and even more so after all this. Huh? crazy

E) and this one is being inducted into the WAS Hall of Fame for ridiculous statements: "OM respects you". (ok, wait a second, you come along, snatch up someone's wife, immediately live with her, go like bunny rabbits in public for the entire town to see, and then take my role as the male figure in my kids life, but you 'respect me'? Did I miss something here?)

F) and more so of all the above, XW bottom line is not 'happy' but there was so much done all around that she didn't know anyway to make it work.

Certainly no closure was reached to any of the underlying issues, just more confusion. I don't understand it at all. But at least a line of communication seemed to be reached. I just really wish that my head just wasn't swimming so hard when all this happened yesterday so that I can remember every word of it and her exact emotion and intent, but it just so difficult. I really dont know what she is trying to say, one moment it's just 'sorry', next it's 'I'm so sorry for doing all this to you, how can I fix it?' and then it ends with, "it is what is" then the whole cycle repeats?

ugh.

to make matters worse, my cousin got her hours cut at work today, so we're probably 45 days from being out on the streets. wonderful.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/18/09 02:53 PM
Originally Posted By: T2SP
What is the point of spending more money when you don't have to? If I didn't want to speak to my stbx when he called I would just let the kids answer the phone. That way I didn't have to talk. It is simple.


Clarification, she has residential custody, I have to call her, and everytime I do, I get her and it usually does not go well.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 06/18/09 03:30 PM
If she didn't want to talk to you then she would have them answer the phone when you called. Does she have caller ID? It goes to show she does still want contact with you.

Hang in there. Things will get better.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/18/09 03:51 PM
Originally Posted By: T2SP
If she didn't want to talk to you then she would have them answer the phone when you called. Does she have caller ID? It goes to show she does still want contact with you.

Hang in there. Things will get better.


Yes, it's her cell phone, so she knows it's me. (civil) Contact is fine, but until yesterday, she refuses to let go of the issues and has been insentive to the impact that the D, OM and being reduced to 72 hour per month father has upon everyone but her.
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 03:15 AM
Hhhmmm, kinda sounds like she's hit rock bottom. And would like some company .... hence dragging you down. Not the bed of roses she imagined after D?

Strange, my XH didn't really want to D either (so he says). Yet it seems this was the only way he could see a new, fresh start, maybe without so much guilt. New, fresh start to what, I'm not sure???

Yep, stay strong & hang in there!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 03:23 PM
Day 10 and more oddities.

Just as I'm going to bed last night at 11pm, the boys call. I can only assume that the main purpose was for XW to confirm what time exactly I was picking the boys up tonight as that was the first thing out of S11's mouth.

He sounded really upbeat to talk on the phone for once, kind of strange, but once again I could hear XW in the background 'coaching' the conversation "ask your father 'this', tell your father 'that'". And both boys said "mom wants to talk to you when I'm done", but my cell phone battery cut out. I called back on the land line that I guess she didn't have yet, and since I was in a good mood to hear from the boys and upbeat, that must of threw her off guard as she answered but didn't know what to say it seemed and put the boys back on.

So, maybe your right MsM. Maybe she's has hit rock bottom, but I've been there and have no desire to go back. As I've said, it is her turn to live life wondering "what if?", I was relinquished of that duty 10 days ago. Would I jump at the chance to R? At this moment, no. At his moment in time, I do carry a chip on shoulder in her regard that I would like to get rid of, but I'm just not sure how.

And then again, is it all just another game? Let's see, I've been releaved and on the upbeat side that the D was finally over instead of depressed and in turmoil as she was probably expecting. I'm doing my darndest to get past this adn pyut a positive outlook on the life ahead of me, instead of dwelling the past as she was probably expecting.

One thing from our conversation the other day that really got under skin it seemed, the upcoming 4th of July. We had our routine, the local parade, a party in the park with friends family and neighbors, and as many fireworks shows as can be. And it just so happens to be her favorite holiday. Well, this year marks the one year anniversary that Xw ditched me all day long after not coming home 2 days prior and sat with OM all day long. Thus, this year, as I told her as I have them for the 4th this year, in response to asking what time I will meet them at the parade, I will not be there, nor will they, this is a new life for me and them through all this and time for new traditions. She did not like that at all.

I would really like to hear anyone else's interpretation of this change in behavior. As MsM said, maybe she's at the bottom, and if I get too close, I know she WILL suck me down with her. No way. But then again, I'm accustomed to nothing but lies. However, this marks the first time since the 'New Years Episode' that she's been opein with me, lies or not. And it's the same old story, "we were so messed up, things were so broken, but I still love you, but this needs to be and I'm sorry, and I don't 'want' to be with him, but I have to", wtf?

I don't know, I just don't know what to think. I am just going to carry on and let it be. If she's serious, she'll need to convey that. However, right now, 10 days after having all of our lives delittled for the sake of her sefishness, I reserve the right to be quietly bitter.
Posted By: kat727 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 04:17 PM
It takes a while to heal and I mean really heal. Not just saying I survived the divorce. When my ex comes around to pick up the kids for whatever, I can't even look at him, don't say a heck of a lot and do my own thing. No reason to make him feel comfortable. I don't do that out of bitterness but to basically keep my self with in my own own boundaries.

When R talk ever starts(for me everything is interwined, I don't get the compartmentalization that some can do)it is not a good thing. Can not go there as the memories are still too fresh.

Your ex seems to think you can still do all the same things even if OM is along for the ride. She is cake eating. Kudos to you for saying that you are going to do your thing this holiday. Time for her to see what divorce really means.

Best wishes, kat
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 04:41 PM
Thanks Kat.

I was doing the same as you when I'd pick up the kids and not look at her and only say what needed to be said and that was it. For that duration of time, it needed to be done and it worked and everyone was happy with it. But now, with the D final it just simply doesn't feel right.

And what do we preach? If something isn't working, try for something that does.

Do I want to be her 'best-buddy'? No, and I don't think that will possible. But what I would like is for the animosity, the bitterness and all lingering questions to be resolved once and for all. And in trying to work with her to do so, the last few days events are what I get in return and it just doesn't make sense. I don't know what she is trying to say.

The bottom line is, lives are forever changed. Hers, mine, the kids, our respective families, everyone. As such, all previous traditions are those of the past. The way we raised out boys, the way we celebrate holidays, the list could go on forever.

I did not offer her one bit of return of R talk. I stood my ground with stating the simple obvious truth of reality today, this is what you wanted, this what you got. Not to be negative in any way shape or form. I withdrew any and all negative statement I had made Monday night, asking for the simple forgiveness that she must understand, the overall cost of her actions took their toll as I'm sure they will again should she be insensitive again.

It's just so frustrating not only to question what she is trying to say, but also to question if it is believable.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 04:51 PM
Hmmmm....interesting......

I think you're right, she has hit the bottom in some way and is realizing that her choices have serious consequences that she doesn't like. She wants everything while giving nothing. Cake eating. She doesn't want OM but she has to be with him? WTH is that? Because she needs a place to live?

IMO, the best thing you can do for yourself and your boys is the distance yourself more from her. Don't speak to her at all unless it's a logistics thing. Don't allow her to draw you into a convo about anything other than the pick up/drop off of the boys. There is no need to tell her of your plans with them, no need to discuss the change of tradition. She will see the changes and deal with them on her own. You need the distance to heal properly.

Yes, lives are changed forever. In that, you have the opportunity now to create something wonderful for your kids. Something new and exciting all of your own. So, what do you plan to do with them on the 4th?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 05:04 PM
Hi Mish,

Here's the thing, she lives in her father's house so she doesn't neccessarily need OM for that. She went so far as to complain that she's sorry she need the c/s, but she is the 'main income' of the house (that's a scary thought). She referred to OM as her 'chauffer' a couple of times, this is true since she wiped out 3 cars at once with no insurance for the umteenth time.

So, she has a place, irregardless of him, and more than enough people around to get rides to and from work. As for around town, as she does now, you can walk to everything, and as much as I'd like to remind her when I see her struggling with a lot bags or what not, I did offer once to take her shopping if she needed, and once only will that offer be extended.

I want to distance myself more than I had been, but something tells me that is the wrong thing to do. Probably for the kids? And at the same, I feel that if things could work on being resolved I will be able to heal much quicker versus any more distance.

Unfortunately, I do have to provide her with an itinerary (court order) as does she. also, since I do not have the time off to have my summer visiation with them this year, I need to work with her on the scheduled vacations I do have. As it's written, I can only pick them up at 10am on the 4th, that won't work. So I'm trying to work with her to pick them up the night before.

That will enable me to do what I want on the 4th for and with them, and that's to distance ourselves from the carnage of the 'old' life we leave behind.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 05:05 PM
Oh, and 'our' house is still there too, so she could even room with friends if need be to make ends meet. So, no, OM needing to be their for financial support, doesnot fly.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 07:38 PM
Ok, so she has a house provided for her. She's the primary breadwinner there? She's some sort of professional and he isn't? Or he doesn't work?

Court order to give your exact wherabouts and complete itinerary every time you have them? YIKE! That's going to make it really difficult to distance yourself and cut those emotional ties. It gives her a lot of control over you in a way. Does she have veto power in what you are doing with the kids? If not, then I guess it's not such a big deal that she knows the itinerary as long as she doesn't use that to intrude on your time with them.

Good idea not to offer to help her anymore. AOS will keep you tied together and keep her looking to you for other help as well. Again.....she has to face the new reality just like you do.

She wiped out 3 cars and this is after other accidents? How does she manage to still have a license? Remind me to never be on a road anywhere near her! smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 08:29 PM
lol, that's why OM is her chauffer, her lisence was taken away finally. When she wrecks, she wrecks good, cars on the hood, pushed up utility poles, or in the final case, a tri-fecta.

and lol X2, no she is not a professional, by far, professional b/s'r maybe, that's what makes it scarey that she is the primary income. What OM does with his life, is not my concern or problem so long as my kids are not affected.

Actually, the court order wording on itineraries like everything else was my doing. As XW had indicated plans to move more than some 90 miles away from me once the D was final, I made certain this was in there, that way since it will take me 2 hours to get there, I will (or should) know where they are and what they were doing in the event of an emergency. All of the paperwork was written up by my attorney and little does she realize, 90% of the stuff she could screw up and the kids will be right back in my custody automatically, I only awarded her residential custody as it seemed they were adapting to the situation and it would keep them in very good schools. I may have forfeited, but I'm not stupid. laugh

AOS? crazy I think I've heard that one before but forgot what it means. I have rejected her requests for car repairs and other maintanence that OM's pea size brain seems incompetent to handle. But, when it comes to something like giving a ride somewhere, I have no qualms with that. It's actually brownie points in pocket as I've seen her and OM in public, especially shopping and he does not have the common courtesy to get out of the car and help her load the groceries. Not that I'm saying I'd be her servent or anything, but simply it's something I had always done and could not change. EDIT-as one of my favorite t-shirts reads in her 'honor' :"let me drop everything and work on your problem."
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/19/09 08:47 PM
Hmm, interesting observation of myself, everytime I happen to glance at the Infidelity (read as "discuss your selfish, slimey, cheating spouse here") forum, I get not angered but flustered perhaps?

I guess it still erks me that running off and destroying your family and all everyone worked for with some other bafoon is so much better than standing up admiting your faults and working to solve/repair them, like I was beyond willing to do.

Disclaimer:

dday101798 sends his apologies to any WAS's reading for the above the reference to his personal situation, and thus his statement is unique and true only to HIS "selfish, slimey, cheating (ex)spouse". As I have conversed with quite a few WAS on the site and you know that is my true belief, just a vent.

Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/22/09 07:14 PM
Day, I don't even know right now.

Crashed and burned once again and feel miserable. Between almost getting killed by falling tree during a storm Friday night, losing power for the duration of the weekend afterward, seering heat and everyone wanting money I feel sick to my stomache right now, I want to puke.

Then dropped kids off last night, xw knew we were on or way and comes out half dressed as she was busy with OM, now I really need to puke.

this sucks.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/22/09 07:25 PM
OH dday.....I'm so sorry things have gone from bad to worse over that past few days. frown That does suck.

Let's look at it this way:

1)Almost killed is a positive....the tree missed you! YEAH!
2)The power was out all weekend? Well then, no wasted time on the computer, right? Of course, that doesn't help whatever you had in your fridge. frown
3)The heat is pretty miserable. Sorry about that. Were you able to go somewhere that had air conditioning since you had no power?
4)Collectors calling for money....I understand that completely. Have you asked them if they are aware of the phrase that involves blood and turnips? smile
5)She actually came out of the house only half dressed? Ok, that's disgusting. I'm sorry, but that is not the example of modesty and decorum I would want set for my children. I'm hoping when you say "half dressed" you mean she just didn't have her make-up done and her hair was in the classic "I don't care what it looks like as long as it's out of my face" updo.

Hoping to lighten your mood a little. I'm really not sure what to say other than to tell you to dig deep for the positives.

You got to spend time with your kids on Father's Day. That's AWESOME!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/22/09 11:35 PM
Yeah, my kids were troopers despite the inconvenience of living in a amish paradise for a weekend, lol.

Bill collectors can take a flying leap, as yes, you can't get blood from a turnip. No,my cousin I'm living with is really hard up for cash right now loosing her hours and insurance. So, got to get a second job. I was able to scrounge up half of what I figured I could, so something is better than nothing.

As for the XW, ugh, don't even know what to say. Yeah, hair all frazzled, shirt falling off, huffing and puffing with her legs shaking, that only tell me one thing, 'quick honey we have a few more minutes of queit time before the kids are back.

Don't even know why I care, aside from the little games of last week and the complete lack of simple morals. But I guess somewhere deep down, I still do have a connection to her that I need to find a way to sever. How can someone be so vile and do the things they've done and yet can not be let go?

Today's malfunction was purley heat stroke I'm sure. We finally caved and put the air on and I feel much better. I guess two nights in a row of no power, what else is there to do but sit around and pound a few caught up in a nasty way.

But yes, still live and kicking, that's a plus. Not much cash left to get me through the next 9 days, but hey, I do have my freedom. New person took the hint and backed off a bit, which is wise, I really like her spirit and conversation, but, I obviously have a lot more work to do than I thought.

Such is life, time to clean.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/23/09 06:22 PM
Off the wall for second, anybody know if cleaners in a microwave poisen your food? Oh well, at least my mouth tastes clean. laugh

So, anyhow, whatever day it is now, I'll have to get back on track with that.

Recovery mode carries on, once again. I was asked why I let XW get to me, "what difference does it make what XW says or does?". I Couldn't answer. Before it was, it isn't over, there's still a chance. Now? I honestly don't have an answer. It's just crazy. At least now, when I do crash, I dont' feel completely miserable, I can turn the other cheek and say whatever to the whole thing, instead of dwelling over 'what if', or 'why did she say/do this?'.

I think I've lost all desire to persue anything further with my new person for the time being. Just some friendly phone calls and well being checks for now. I'm just too unpredictable and have my own issues to handle that I don't think will ever be resolved and that's a huge part of it. I don't think I'm ever gong to get closure.

I do need to make some changes in my life and that is my focus for now. Everything else will just have to wait.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/23/09 06:41 PM
(((dday)))

You sound just like me. Talking in absolutes. Ever, never, etc.....

Yes, things are unpredictable right now. Your life is still in chaos right now. That isn't going to be forever. You will find your balance and settle into a normal, stable routine. Until then, it's a good idea not to involve anyone else in your own turmoil.

As to why you let XW get to you, there is still an emotional tie there. There is still a tie to her with your children. That doesn't go away because a piece of paper declared you legally D'd. You held out hope of reconciling for a LONG time after the split. Look at the day your D was finalized as your true separation date. The estimates for emotional recovery from D are 1 year for every 4 years of marriage. That would mean I've got 3.5 years before I'm stable. How about you?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/23/09 09:01 PM
Ahh the estimates, and so far, near accurate they have been, in this case 2.75 on my end, great. Actually that sounds about right on my estimates to stop realing from the financial impacts of all this, well at least as best as possible.

Just don't get how someone can be so rotten and thoughtless and yet any other situation it would have pushed me out the door to restart so fast the sound barrier would be broken, but then again, this ISN'T any other situation.

I held out out for far too long. But at least at the end of the day, as I've said before, I tried.

I so need my own place I think that's a huge thing too, never living on my own as now I should be, just no way I can afford it without being a 18 hour a day working hermit.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/23/09 09:09 PM
Definitely time to get out on your own.

My xh has never, ever lived on his own. He went from his parents, to my family home (after his dad kicked him out) to our various married homes, and straight to ow. Do whatever you have to in order to get into your own place so your kids have their own place to come to.

Your financial impacts will really last until your kids are completely self-sustaining. Even then, they could still come with their hands out. smile My poor mom is literally poor because I have had to borrow so much from her that I can't pay back.

You're doing well. Keep it up!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/23/09 09:49 PM
Thanks Mish, sorry was trying to caught up on your thread when.....

I'm going to kill that woman, simply kill her!!! (okay internet police relax, I'm only speaking figuratively)

And I don't know how, but I completely fogot this from Sunday. The only thing I said to XW that night, how could I forget. She started up on the 4th of July again, and said "what time are you picking them up from the parade?".

Since I was already twitchy by her physical appearance I hastly replied 'I told you, I am not going to the parade here, and neither are they, if that's what you want to do NEXT year when they are yours, all the power to you, but this year on my watch, it's new lives, new traditions. This of course sent her in battle mode and I jsut reminded her plainly that 'oh, by the way, the 3rd is Friday so technically I pick them up as normal any way, however since I have to get another job I would like to spend as much time with them as I can so maybe if you will let me I will pick them up Thursday night.

So, I hear nothing until 10 minutes ago, I'm sitting here at work and XW sicks S12 on me as to what time I'm picking him up, not only next week but this week. I have to painfully tell him I won't be picking him this week at all, and I'm uncertain about next week for now. This goes on for about 10 minutes and then I ask 'how come your calling from mom's phone, didn't she work?', "no, she's sick or something and S11 is playing video games, I'm so bored, but hopefuly OM will get off work early and we'll go to the pool." [insert infamous auto crash noise here]

I know she put him up to every second of that. Meh, whatever I have my own personal demons to being slaying tonight so that
i can be ready to actively land a second job by the week's end.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/24/09 01:24 PM
I'll hope and pray you don't have trouble finding a second job. It's rough going in most places but I don't know about your area. My xh has been trying to get even 1 job since last August and hasn't had any luck with the exception of a very part time job at a convenience store that he was laid off from in April. Nothing since then.

GOOD LUCK!

In your custody schedule, were you scheduled to have the kids this weekend? Why would your S12 think you were picking then up this weekend if that wasn't the schedule?

Slay the demons! Get on it!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/24/09 02:01 PM
The 'visitation' is alternating weekends and this weekend is my 'off-weekend'. I think what S12 was getting at was we used to always go out to dinner on Wednesday's and Wed. night was part of the temporary schedule. Unfortuantely this was not workable into the 'final' agreement as XW was supposed to be moving away. Now, it would appear that she isn't for the time being and as far as know isn't at work today either, must be nice to sit on your arse all day and just wait for the check in the mail (from me).

But either way, I can't afford to take them out any how.

As for the second job, I'm just looking to go into my degreed field of automotive, with everyone not buying new cars and just keeping their's up and running, I know I can land one easily. However, I have to renew my lisence prior to getting any applications in and I don't want to be commited to one right away with the holiday next week already being jumbled up.

We'll see

Otherwise, spent a good amount of time soul searching last night and this morning and my spirits are on the upswing an dI'm feeling better. After I balance my checkbook today I think I have enough left to just treat myself to dinner and that's it until next Friday. But it's something I need to do.

I also politely drove a wedge between myself and 'new person' expressing I am not ready for this and need to find answers within myself to a vast of questions and get certain aspects of myself under control and be stable for myself first before intertwining any one else in my mess.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/24/09 09:07 PM
vent before I take it out somewhere else.....

I am so sick and G-dang tired of people of better financial means and family upbringing telling me WTF to do. They don't get. Case in point, my boss, makes a well living, claims she broke, can't pay for 10K chimney repair doesn't know what to do. "Oh well I'll just borrow it from my sister or parents".

Must be nice. I have less than $100 to my name and 8 days till pay day, little over a 1/2 tank of gas and not one grocery in the house to not only feed myself but my cousin who's housed me without question as I worked to give my paychecks to the attorney and is about to lose her job.

Now I know why some of the homeless are happy to be that way. I can't flippen take this anymore.

All people can say is, get a credit card or borrow it from family. First off, credit card, PAHAHAHAHAH! I was rejected for a friggen Target card for crying out loud. Family? The only family I have I could borrow from is my sister and I know as well she does I don't have the means to pay it back, so that kind of defeats the purpose of "borrowing", doesn't it when you borrow something, you return it later? Plus my sister and I have clawed and scrathed at life for everything we have. Why should she have to suffer paying off my debt caused by my life's problems?!?!?

blah!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/24/09 09:53 PM
arraaggh! two days in row, same ordeal, Xw is putting S12 throught the motions of trying to make me feel bad and search out what I intend to do next week for the holiday. Grow up already 'woman'. mad
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/25/09 02:39 PM
Well, didn't end up treating myself to dinner last night, after balancing my account, it just wasn't in the budget. Turns out my cousin's son's flight didn't come in and she was home with no dinner so it all worked out in the end.

Not doing to well. Developing a lot of resentment at XW again for doing all this to me. I have thuroughly concluded that I will not have a life of my for quite some time. Thus, all a working hermit is all I will be. S12's comments about OM have just gone to the core. He is a special needs child and now he's pretty muched latched on and replaced me with OM hwo certanly does not deserve that honor. OM was not there to see that child in a ICU for months with tubes and monitors sticking out of every where and any where imaginable. OM wasn't there to nurture that child to being as 'normal' as possible despite his setbacks. And yet, through my XW's selfishness, that is all gone.

I don't know what XW has told S12 about his adoption from her first M. He asked why he adopted again last Friday.

I also don't know what Xw's ordeal is, but since her 'apology' last week, she has been home from work 'sick' and having S12 call me every day, coached to inquire on what I'm up to.

Last night I tapped into a real dark place within me that I need to get rid of. Just had the over all thought of what point is it to live on? This came from finding out that my work is not giving merit increases this year and my department is overbudget on salaries as it is because of mine and if things don't improve there will be layoffs in 6 months. Ain't life grand?

Just so stressed out, could barely drive in this morning. Been dizzy all week, Monday the worst and now this morning a runner up. Though I was going to wreck several times.

Ack! Need to get out of this somehow.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 06/25/09 03:48 PM
First off take a deep breath. Not too deep cuz if you are dizzy you may pass out.

You need to eat something or you will get sick. Find cheap things. You can eat Ramen noodles for less than 20 cents a meal. Sometimes even cheaper. May not be all that tasty but hey, it fills the belly. To make sure my kids have decent meals I have eaten quite a few of those.

I am in the same boat as you. My bills cost more than I make. I got my hours cut back about a month ago and now that my divorce is final I have to file single and that knocks more money from my weekly paycheck. From what I am used to I have more than $225 taken out of my checks each month. It sucks but I will figure out a way to make it.

Whatever you do, don't get a credit card. That is why I am in this mess also. I was only making $8 an hour when xh left and that didn't pay for much so I used my credit cards. I am hoping to refinance my house in the near future (if the market ever picks up) and have my bills put into it and that should help out A LOT! Thank goodness I used my tax refund to pay my car off.

Hang in there...it WILL get better.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 06/25/09 04:33 PM
It sounds like you may be having panic attacks. (Have you ever watched the Sopranos? The main character gets them - interesting to see). I have been in that dark, dark place, and it is not a good one to be in. You may be helped a lot with meds - do you have medical? Try to get into see your own primary care doctor. They see this enough. If you can get in to see some kind of therapist, even better. But the meds can save a life.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/25/09 04:41 PM
T2SP, Trust me, I'm a frugal shopper, and as matter of fact, soup and grill cheese is on the menu for the week probably a bunch of times, lol. No I will not do credit cards, couldn't get one anyway. I do have an application for a gas card I am going to try, that is a MUST have.

Donna, Thanks for dropping in. I do not believe in drugs (happy pills). Last time I took anti-depressents I ended up dumber than than a box of rocks. Life throws curves, they are meant to be dealt with, ie-the human spirit. Plus, doctor + meds = yet another bill I can't pay.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/25/09 05:54 PM
(((dday)))))

You sound like the exact same place I have been in many many many many times. It's not pretty, not fun, and NOT productive!

I too am completely broke. Don't make enough to pay my bills, got stuck with every debt xh and I ever racked up since he's unemployed and get no CS...again, since he's a complete waste of space. Oops, did I say that? smile

Ramen is awesome stuff! Add a bag of frozen asian style veggies and it's even better. Makes it go further too. smile Spaghetti, chili, hot dogs, Hamburger Helper, and mac and cheese. All 15 cents a metric ton! smile We live on those.

I understand not 'believing' in drugs. I didn't either. I thought they would turn me into a zombie. The panic attacks were so bad though that I couldn't breathe or see and would shake uncontrollably from head to toe. NOT GOOD! Xanax is marvelous stuff for this. Ad's are meant to take off the edge and average out your emotions. If it made you 'dumb' then it was the wrong dosage or the wrong meds entirely for you. If it gets too bad, go to your county health clinic. Do something to save yourself. Don't let it get to the dangerous point of contemplating suicide.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/25/09 06:08 PM
Thanks,

I want to get out of this without the cost of having to shed crutches, and speaking of costs, it's just not in the budget anyway.

I just don't understand what triggered this or why I even feel this way in the first place at all. I should be happy, I'm free to do what I want, when I want and with whomever I want and wake up each and everyday knowing I no longer have a lying, manipulative, disease laiden tramp for a "spouse" to deal with at some point of the day.

Broke is one thing, that's nothing new, been there done that, story of my life except once I got ahead of things and actually had money, well, I was married, had a nice house and 2 wonderful kids. Well damn, what do I have now?

I'm sorry, meds at this point as always, not an option. I strongly believe they just mask the problems at hand and push them off to a later date with yet more problems on the plate.

I'm also the type of person who doesn't go to the doctor unless I'm dying, so if my pounding chest and head is an indication that a trip to the ER is in the making, so be it, then and there I will see a doctor.
Posted By: oldtimer Re: Newbie (again) - 06/25/09 06:14 PM
Actually, the extreme biochemical activity in your brain right now is much more likely to "mask" or distort reality and to interfere with your rationality than well prescribed ADs that allow you to function more normally and get a more realistic/accurate view of the world. Right now, your brain is drugging you, ADs can help correct that.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 06/25/09 06:50 PM
Quote:
I just don't understand what triggered this or why I even feel this way in the first place at all.


Ummm....HELLO!!!!!! You are going thru a lot right now and that is what triggered it. Once your stablility is broken then the slightest little thing will trigger it. The fear of the unknown is not something everyone can handle. Your mind is working in overdrive right now. How am I going to see my kids? How will I get to work if I don't have money for gas? What can I buy for groceries with $10? You know, all those questions are coming at you full force.

Quote:
Broke is one thing, that's nothing new, been there done that, story of my life except once I got ahead of things and actually had money, well, I was married, had a nice house and 2 wonderful kids. Well damn, what do I have now?


You have your 2 wonderful kids.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/26/09 01:06 PM
New day, new start.

Started my new hours at my full time job to prep me for the prospective part timeer.

Feel a little less dizzy, but the whole thing is still front and center in my mind and won't go away.

XW put the boys up to another investigative phone call last night,However this time, I could hear her happily trying to encourage S11 "hey, your father is on the phone, go talk to him!" . Then afterward, she actually texted me directly for the first time in a while asking if I had a pair of S12's shorts. Iread this as trying to make small talk. I replied back later on that yes he had left an outfit to be washed as it was 90 degree heat last weekend and no power/no a/c, so I wasn't going to send back a smelly unclean outfit.

She didn't reply. So to test the water and see if she was around, and to comply with the settlement agreement, I texted again to say that I had not received any COBRA info on my insurance which she is off of Tuesday. She did reply quickly that "it is ok, I have my own now through work", and that was it for the night.

I don't know. The calls all week have been precisely timed at the same time everyday, alotting so much time beofre OM 'gets home'.

I'm just going to ride the weekend out, and let it be what it is and calm down, get some stuff done around the house before I start the other job.

My gut just says, she is coming around. I don't know why and more importantly as always in dealing with who she is now, is should I believe it?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/26/09 08:23 PM
And here we go again.....

I had commented earlier in Gabbysmom's thread about buckling to her ex and taking the kids on nights that aren't supposed to be mine. Well, just got a text from XW that the starter went out on OM's car (boohoo) and a car show I was going to take S12 to last weekend that got canceled due to weather is tonight.

Nah, I see where this is headed, she has been up to something all week. So I texted back that I'd love to, but I have plans, of which I do.

Now, I get another text to I guess pitty her because she can't go anywhere being afraid to have to tow it back and now her brother has to come fix it tomorrow. Gee honey, why doesn't OM fix it? Oh that's right, probably doesn't have the first clue what to do. Gee, if I were still in the picture, guess what I'd be doing right now? Leaving work to fix the car so we could all go to the show tonight without interuption.

Nice choice in an alternate life dear! ROFFLOL!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/29/09 01:01 PM
What a weekend! Overall it was good and hopefuly I got all my agnst out of my system before starting the second job. Got an application in while buying parts on Satruday so we'll see how that goes.

Then Saturday night, new person, whom I guees will jsut go forth as GF came over, we hung out for a while and worked through some issues I took out on her and shouldn't have Friday, so we made up from that and then went out with my ocusin to karoake night. And that's where things got crazy. GF left at about 11:30 or so as she had plans for the morning. My cousin and I statyed til god knows when.

So I was outside smoking and this massively built guy starts getting rough with his date. Me not tolerating that type of stuff, goes and sticks my nose in it, and then gets my nose re-arranged. He aplogized for it, was kind of a reflex thing, but man, I just got over S11 breaking my nose a couple of months ago. lol

Anyway, chalked it up to too late at night, too many people and way too much beer. Needless to say, yesterday was recovery day. Finally watched a race for the first time in months and just vegged all day. Made brats when my cousin got home and watched Valkyre (not all what thte previews crack it up to be).

And thus, here I am today, sore hungover, but going strong. Got a call from S12 on Saturday from the phone at their "new house" so I guess they got OM's car going again? Although when I passed by 'her house' Friday, there was no car to be found so I'm calling B/S on that story anyway. I called her cell phone back and get her Voice mail, jsut said I was returning S12's call and that I am not calling the other number, have him call me back. Never heard anything.

But all in all on that front, doing well. I finally put my wedding photo and rings away again. Haven't really had any thoughts or concern of XW and her whereabouts. Checked my employee file today and she off all my benefits so there' ssome money back in my pocket, still nothing on the automatic child support payment so I guess I ahve to call her attorney's office and see what the deal is with that.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/30/09 12:43 PM
Ehhhh, ok?

So last night I get home and make dinner. Just as I'm about to serve, phone rings and it's XW's cell. So I go to answer thinking it's S12 as usual and I am all upbeat and excited to hear from him and put on a happy tone. Who do get on the other end? XW, sounding even more upbeat then me, asking what I am up to and how are things and if I am in town. What in the world was that all about?

I kept it plain and simple and on the upeat side to play along and said no, I'm home making pizza, I work earlier now in plans to be working another job at night very soon. She said something to the effect that S11 thought he just saw my truck and wanted to know if I was around.

Completely baffled by that.

Anyway talked to the boys and the sounded well. Guess they are not moving downstate as they now have a pool at her fathers. The whole time talking with them tho, XW tried to constantly be part of the converstion and less of a 'coach' as lately had been doing.

The whole atmosphere was just really really weird.

None the less, with OM's car parked out front this morning as normal, I'm not going to invest much stock in any changes of heart on her behalf, that is for sure.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/30/09 01:21 PM
ugggh,

Reading through a few threads and everybody talking about the 4th of July being this weekend reminds me, I have a lot of bad memories to live through this upcoming week. frown
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 06/30/09 10:08 PM
So make new GREAT ones!
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 06/30/09 10:58 PM
One thing my DBcoach said, after I found out about possible OW last summer, is the statement: My H's business was his business & mine was mine. Don't know if it applies to your sitch or will help. But it does show detachment.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 12:45 PM
Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly
One thing my DBcoach said, after I found out about possible OW last summer, is the statement: My H's business was his business & mine was mine. Don't know if it applies to your sitch or will help. But it does show detachment.


I'd love to embrace that logic. Unfortunately, one year ago tonight, actually morning tomorrow I was a trainwreck and so were my kids as I was frantically trying to locate my XW after her not coming home again. That time is when I knew there had to be an affair going on as the person she claimed to always be with when she didn't come (the catalyst friend mad ) fessed up and said she hadn't seen or heard from XW either.

Whe I was finally able to get hold of XW, she proclaimed to be at said friends house. I didn't let on that I knew she wasn't. So, just before XW got home, something told me to go see which direction XW's car was coming from, and of course when the moment came, the entirely wrong direction of her friends house. It was at that moment I knew for sure something was rotten in Denmark.

So, as soon as Xw got to the porch I asked, "let's get this right the first time, where were you?" She replied adimently she was at her friends. "B/S" was my only reply and she saw it my face as I turned around went in side and let the kids know it was "ok, mom is home safe".

After getting the kids off to school, I retreated to the deck and XW came out as if I did something wrong all night and started to badger me. Puhlease, not acceptable, and then the truth came out when I asked again, where the F were you last night.

The hard and yet simple answer?

"I was f'n my boyfriend all night!"

If I could have my way, those words will be engraved on her tombstone deeper than they are in my head.

So I wish it were so easy to say, "it's her business". Her business however permanently effected the lives of not only myself, but her own children who I had relax, un-nerve and essentially lie to when their mother was MIA 3/4 of the time for well over a year and half, and 9 nights and mornings in the couple of months leading up to this grim truth.

I will be fine and deal with it in my own little way.
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 12:56 PM
Ok then. Sorry, I didn't mean to drudge up bad memories. My point was was when you don't have your kids & she's asking you tons of questions about what you are doing. But I understand most times your kids call. You gotta do what works best for you & your sitch.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 01:15 PM
that's ok.

The problem with the "questions" is that SHE does not ask them directly. She goes through the kids, coaching them, and per teh parenting agreement is a BIGAZZ no-no, matter of fact, it is gournd rule one to re-itterate how it is written in the recital proclaiming the purpose of the agreement it'self, to nurture and foster a loving relationship between the children and both parents equally and responsibly.

In facing what I have to in this next two weeks, I am highly dissapointed, disgusted actually, that a judicial system could favor a person who can uproot and leave her children home and motherless while she has adultress fun at the cost of her family.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 05:38 PM
So. question.

For some reason or another, shortly after we married and were ingulfed in parenthood, we never took very many pictures, of any of us, each other, the kids, heck we never had a family photo done.

In turning things around for myself, I made a change in that and when I had the kids on our last 'visit' I bought a couple of cameras and took pictures of our day together at the pier, by the boats, on the gianormous ferris wheel, anything I could.

Tomorrow before I pick the boys up I am having the film developed. Should I give XW a set? It is not my intent to start anything, or spark any illwilled feelings. Not really sure why I would want to give her a set, but for some reason do?
Posted By: smith18 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 06:11 PM
Hi dday -

Some of your situation sounds so familiar as mine. My W also picked up an STD and has said some batchit crazy quotes. I love the one where your XW says that OM respects you. Too bad it is not mutual - ha ha.

Glad to hear you are taking it slow with GF and it sounds like there are some definite red flags there.

As for giving XW a set of pictures, that really is your call. I keep my XW updated with DVD video and some pictures of the kids with the hopes that she will also provide me the same.

In regards to your XW using the kids to make arrangements, maybe you should print out the below 12 worst parenting mistakes that divorcing or divorced parents can make for her:

Quote:
1. Leaning on your child for support during this time of pain in your life is unhealthy and inappropriate. Children can not help their parents through the adult task of mourning the loss of a marriage! And loyalty issues will leave a child feeling guilty for siding against a parent or possibly disproportionately angry at a parent for leaving him with this burden. This is the time to lean on family and friends so you are strong enough to allow your child to lean on you.

2. You should never speak badly about your ex to or in front of the children. Although it may be difficult, it is not healthy for the children to take on your adult issues, even if they directly relate to the child. As a common example, a parent should not share with a child whether or not the other parent is paying child support, how much child support or when the child support doesn't come in no matter how tempting it may be. Because your child shares flesh and bone with your ex, any criticism of your ex will also feel like a criticism of the child and will erode his or her self esteem. This is never healthy and is certainly not productive.

3. Treating your child like a buddy and relating to him or her as a peer is a common change that occurs after some divorces. While it may be tempting to commiserate with your child since you have both lost something important in your lives, your losses are different. Your child is not a mini-adult!

4. Mothers of sons and fathers of daughters should be particularly careful that they do not put their oldest child into the position of "replacement spouse", "man of the house", "woman of the house", etc. Children need to feel like children and feel the security of knowing their parent can and will take care of all adult responsibilities.

5. Spoiling your child in order to divert his grief or pain is not a healthy way of dealing with his pain or yours. If you are the parent who has moved away from your child, you may have an even larger temptation to fight off since your time together will be so limited now. It feels important to make that time memorable to your child and what child doesn't love new toys? But more than toys, a child needs to feel stable and safe. This can be obtained through parenting "as usual", despite the changing life around you all. No child wants a toy to replace a parent.

6. Transferring your hostile feelings about the divorce or your ex onto your child is unhealthy, at best. Many children already feel like divorce is their fault when, of course, it never is. Although your child shares blood and genes with your ex, whom you may resent and despise, the child did not choose for any of this to happen.

7. Never discuss parenting time, custody or child support issues in front of the kids. This means no discussions during routine transfers of the children from one home to the other. It means no cell phone conversations with your children sitting in the back seating listening in. It means waiting until they go to bed or are out of the area before making phone calls to discuss adult issues. You probably felt it was important not to argue in front of your children when you were still married with your ex. This is just as important now that you are divorced! Even if you can discuss issues civilly, children should not be privy to them. It is far too common for children to overhear these discussions and feel as if they are the cause of the issue or they are a burden to one parent or the other. Children do not like to feel like a business transaction!

8. Alienating a child from the other parent is an all-too-common, often subconscious tactic that parents may use during or after a divorce. Alienating is a form of brainwashing where one repeatedly insists, to the child, that facts and feelings exist between the other parent and the child until the child begins to agree, whether true or not. When alienated long enough, children may resist any bond with the other parent and that parent may, out of frustration and hopelessness, sever ties with the child. This is the worst no-no any divorcing parent can commit and it has a name: Parental Alienation Syndrome.

9. Putting your child in the middle is one of the most common divorce no-no's. Asking your child questions about the other parent or time spent with the other parent, or asking your child to relay questions and information between parents are all harmful methods of putting the child in the middle. Parents should always communicate all issues privately between themselves and any questions or concerns about the other parent's home or situation should be directed at the parent, not the child.

10. Never put your child in the position of choosing. Most states have statues that require a child to be almost an adult before being capable of choosing where they want to live. Some states never allow the child this choice. This is because a child has natural healthy loyalty toward both parents. Being asked to make any choice between parents - whether the choice is who has custody or whose house the child wants to spend Christmas at - puts the child in the awkward position of shifting their loyalty away from one parent in favor of the other. This can leave them feeling guilty, resentful, angry and sad.

11. Don't make your child's special occasion an opportunity to focus on your marital resentment or hostility. Let your child's birthdays, holidays, school performances, dance recitals and sports events all be opportunities to focus on your child and how proud you are of your child. This is not the time to discuss parenting time issues, child support issues or to berate each other or ex-relatives. If you question your ability to be polite or civil, consider taking turns at special events or limiting your attendance. Often times, though, events will be large enough for parents to both attend at opposite ends of the room, leaving the child to interact freely with both sides of the family without fear of disruption or drama.

12. Although going through a divorce can make a parent feel emotionally needy, this should not be shared with your child through action or word. A child who feels a parent's neediness too much will begin feeling guilty or fearful of leaving the parent when it is time to spend time with the other parent. In some situations, children can feel so guilty that they no longer feel good about leaving the parent at all, even to go to school or to play at a friend's house. This is a huge burden to cast on a child.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 06:19 PM
Originally Posted By: KerryK
maybe you should print out the below 12 worst parenting mistakes that divorcing or divorced parents can make for her:


Hi Kerry,

Actually, she already has a copy of this, it was provided to her in the court ordered parenting class she apparently slept through. crazy

I really thought that class would have been a b-slap to her, but no, just made her turn more stale.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 06:27 PM
How is it that you wrote up the parenting plan, she had court ordered parenting classes, etc and she got the majority of the custody? That doesn't make a lick of sense!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 07:02 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
How is it that you wrote up the parenting plan, she had court ordered parenting classes, etc and she got the majority of the custody? That doesn't make a lick of sense!


My sons were traumatized by the thought of having to chose between their parents through mediation and the judge. S11 was constantly "ill" in nurses office with 'stomach pains'. Thus I simply could not put them through that.

Then there is the issue of 'credible witnesses' to attest who the better parent is. Having my former BIL living in the house and a renter to make up for the lost income of XW that she had setup thinking she was going to stay in the house turned out to be nothing but a setup. They became "employees" on her fahter's payroll to create stories of me having lavish parties and went so far as to create a picture of "my" refridgerator full of nothing but alcohol to back a story that "there was never any food in the house". As I've said before, this is complete horse snot as I FEED EVERYONE.

So, it was a painful decision, but one that can be reversed later. In Illinois, like many states, adultry doesn't mean squat in a child custody hearing. "Alcoholism" on the other hand is HUGE. I will not lie, on my own free time after the kids were in bed or away with their mother did I drink? Yes. Excessively at times? Yes, I was going through hell. To the level and degree of the alligations against me? Absolutley not.

So, after some harsh legal threats against OM and XW for their conduct while the kids were in their care, XW straightened up and the problems that concerned me most went away. The schools in that town are some of the highest rated in the state, especially where a special needs child such as S12 is concerned and he has progressed wonderfuly there. So, my attoney wrote up the agreements and hers accepted. And yes, I have a lot of wiggle room to my favor should things start to head south, her attorney just wanted out of the case and really didn't pay much attention to the details.

So should things change, either I move back in the area as I plan to, the boys opt that they don't to live with her anymore, or any one for any reason sees or feels she unfit to raise them, bam, we are right back in court and there will be NO mediation, and NO custody hearing and I walk out that day forever having sole custody.

So, essentially I surrendered in malice.

We both had to attend the class, it is standard practice in any divorce/custody hearing, at least in this county.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 07:21 PM
Ahhh...that explains it. I was trying to figure out how someone as totally screwed up as she seems to be could gain primary custody. It makes sense.

Someone who would fabricate such a load of horsechitt amazes me! I've never been able to understand how someone can do that to someone they claimed to love at one point. Of course, it is a very thin line between love and hate. Both take passion. Indifference is another story....
Posted By: smith18 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 07:21 PM
I've seen a couple divorced situations, where when the boys became teenagers, the custodial mother and teenage son's had turmoil between them and the father became the primary custodial parent.

My brother and I lived with our father when he got divorced because of my mothers affair. We were about 17 and 15 at the time and I could not have imagined a better environment for us.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 07:25 PM
I hope to God my son doesn't suddenly decide to jump ship. I hope I'm not giving him any reason to. He's 14 and that's the legal age in GA to decide on his own where he wants to live. I guess I can be grateful that the couple of times I've offered to let him stay longer with his dad he always opts to come home instead. smile Yeah me! grin

dday....chin up buddy. Have you made some fantastic plans for you all for the 4th?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 08:32 PM
Originally Posted By: KerryK
I've seen a couple divorced situations, where when the boys became teenagers, the custodial mother and teenage son's had turmoil between them and the father became the primary custodial parent.


That's the method behind the madness. If I would of fought it, then not only would my kids have to be in court when they didn't want, they'd also have to stand there and listten to their mother paint me the bad guy and a "raging alkie" as she so tried to proclaim to mask the fact of her 'fiance' sitting right there in the f'n courtroom.

So, in it's own way, it is a tmporary truce as I know this is far from over.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/01/09 08:36 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
I hope to God my son doesn't suddenly decide to jump ship. I hope I'm not giving him any reason to. He's 14 and that's the legal age in GA to decide on his own where he wants to live. I guess I can be grateful that the couple of times I've offered to let him stay longer with his dad he always opts to come home instead. smile Yeah me! grin

dday....chin up buddy. Have you made some fantastic plans for you all for the 4th?


Mish, if you have your head on your shoulders as you seem to and provide a enviornment that althought his father is not there physically but is there emotionally and psychologically in every sense, then you have nothing to worry about.

My XW on the other hand, heh, I KNOW those boys will be back. I do nothing to egg nor promote their feelings on the matter. But it's been what 3 and half months like this now, and now 1 month I don't even see them for diner on the weekdays anymore and one is already asking me to come get him out of there.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/02/09 12:59 PM
You know I thought about this on the way home last night and just wanted to itterate that I don't have all the loopholes in place with the assuption that she'll be a poor mother. I gave her custody for now as it was better for the boys in quite a few ways and with the benefit of the doubt that she'd do the right thing for the sake of their well-being. So far it's 6 of one, 1/2 dozen of the other in that regard, so we shall see.

Other than that, really, really dizzy this morning. No question it's stress. Got 2 calls from the attorney's office now threatening to sue me for a payment arrangement I just can't afford right now. They have my financial disclosure statement and they know I am now down 45% of my income between child support and tax increases.

Whatever, I've come to conclusion that if a 2nd job does not happen within the next week I'm just going to go back and try the Navy again. Last time I tried I got rejected as we had just found that we were pregnant with S11 and the cost to have them on base would consume the bulk of my salary. So, now that I don't have that problem and life is going to be a financial hell for the next 7 years anyway, and have barely anything in possesions to store, it kind of makes sense. We'll see.

Anyway, on my way home last night, saw XW mowing the lawn, huh everytime I mention yard work at my place, S11 is eager to get his hands on the mower, why wasn't he doing it there? Wanted to ask, but didin't bother. When I was almost home, I got a voice mail from S12 doing XW's dirty work again, hesitatnly asking what time I was coming to get him tonight.

Given the anniversay of events discribed yesterday, I was not in a very talkative mood and jsut texted asking XW if it was ok that I pick them up at 6 tonight. Xw replied that it fine, but then asked if I could "drop them off at dad's at 6 on Sunday so that 'we' (her & OM) can take to fireworks on Sunday". All I replied was 'fine'.

ugh, I just want a vacation from life right now. frown
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/02/09 08:00 PM
Well...........

Got a text a lttle bit ago from XW that she is leaving work and will ahve the boys ready to be picked up any time after 3:30.

I've got to do some running around so I let her know that I'll probably still be around 6 due to this. Out of my curiosity I asked if she'd like a set of pictures from when I took the boys to the pier and she said "that would be cool". So that solves that inner question.

She seems to be really trying to take a friendlier approach at things that I'm not quite understanding. But then again, after everything that has been done, I guess I'm just looking for the underlying motive to her change in behavior. crazy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/02/09 08:09 PM
oh, and I told 'GF' of my thoughts on the Navy.

Haven't heard back from her all day since. Last thing was "friend of hers" that I'm supposidly related to in some way, wanted to e-mail me to "get in touch". Eh heh, I suspect a thrid party lashing was more the agenda of which I will not be receptive to. 'GF' knows I just got divorced and am fine one day and a wreck the next, she's been told this numorous times and I even forewarned her that the next couple of weeks will be touch and go.

Eh well. Obviously her divorce must have effected her entirely differently as she just doesn't understand. So hey, fun while it lasted, but I made every effort to tell and show her that I am a hurt person, I have trust issues and will be a while before that ever changes. And, due to everything else, I've lost jsut about everything and have no idea which way my life is going right now.

I'm not going to lose any sleep over that situation, it either works or doesn't. Can't accept the fact that I just back from a 11 month "holiday in hell", too bad, I'll stop the car and you can walk.
Posted By: smith18 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/02/09 09:02 PM
XW being friendly is definitely good!

Instead of the Navy, have you considered the Coast Guard? They dont put you on a ship or sub that is gone for up to 6 months (unless it is an ice breaker). They have the same ranks and have a lot of the same ratings as the Navy. Coast Guard - Small Service, Big Job.

One thing you probably should avoid is becoming a Navy Seal. I just watched a documentary about their training and it would literally kill me now at the near age of 50.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/06/09 01:43 AM
Originally Posted By: KerryK
XW being friendly is definitely good!


Is it? What purpose, what does she have to gain now?

S12 had a MAJOR meltdown Saturday morning over all this. He really needs some help. He has serious feelings of resentment against XW that I have told her (as I went through what they are) and have told Xw I would never want either of us to endure.

Of course, in addressing it, to her it's a joke, no big del, "he's going into puberty" is how she writes it off. Right now, they, XW, OM, & our kids are at a fireworks show that does not exist.

Overall had a nice weekend with boys. 'GF' and I are officially done, that was supposed to be a relationship of trust from day one? Yeah, well when you've slept with my father who I hate for life being a pig, you got the backseat ride dear, buh-bye.

Good lord, does this get any weirder? lol
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/06/09 02:41 AM
Excuse me? She slept with your father? Huh???? Whoa......weird!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/06/09 12:54 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Excuse me? She slept with your father? Huh???? Whoa......weird!


Yup, my life is slowly becoming a Jerry Springer show, eh? crazy

So, some things I didn't get in last night:

XW seemed to be having a rough go of reality Thursday night when I picked up the boys. First thing that got her I don't really understand, my cousin had called to say she was going to be out for a little bit but should be back in time for dinner. I told her "no big deal, I'm picking up the boys from 'the ex's". I caught XW's face out of the corner of my turning pale white and just so upset looking, huh?

Then we got into talking about the child support paperwork not being submitted to my work for automoatic withdrawl and I asked her if she could check with her attorney on what the hold up is as they won't return my calls. This seemd to erk her and got her started about finances and how questionable things are looking on where they will live, but she "has til the end of the month to decide, but doesn't want to go downstate and give up her job as life is messed up enough already".

So, in response I got into how mine has been turned upside down financially and told her that it looks like the best option is for me to try the Navy again. I went throught my reasons, feeling like a burden to my cousin, if and when I do get a place of my own it will likely only be a studio apartment of which I refuse to live in any type of apartment and besides, I'll be working all the time so what's the point? So since I have all but 5 boxes of stuff to summarize the last 34 years of my life, it really makes sense to do it.

This prompted the kicker: A full on apology for her doing this. For once, I actaully believe it. I saw the unquestionable uncertanty in her eyes and for once I can safely say she is starting to realize that the grass isn't as green as seemed and by jumping ship and ending the M for OM was not the better option afterall.

OH!, I darn near forgot this!....

As I mentioned, XW had texted me earlier in the day Thursday to say I could pick the boys up before 6 if I wanted. Well, I did my running around and was running a little bit late to get the pictures developed. So with 20 minutes to go before 6 I and dropping the pictures off to be developed I'd just kill a few minutes with a quick beer.

XW then texted asking how long I'd be and if she had time to take a shower before I got there. In light of our 'rekindled friendship feeling' I jokingly texted back "puhleeze go ahead and take a shower" remembering how sweaty she was after being at work as warm as it was. She texted back "what's that supposed mean" and on damage control I replied, just a joke.

So when I'm at the store, I texted XW if she needed anything. She replied back "yes, tampons". I responded knowing she is on the shot and doesn't need these anymore "for real?". She came back with "just joking". Now, I may be looking into this too much but before, if she would have asked, my first and only response to that question woul dhave been 'yes, only because I love you'. So I'm not sure what she was trying to get at, if at all, maybe it's just me overanalyzing.

Anyhow, in explaining all this to my cousin the next morning, she feels the same and that XW is trying to repair some of the deep uderlying damage she's done. Agreed?

My cousin did ask if I'd take XW back if it ever came about. My instant response, of course, it wouldn't be easy, but of course.

XW didn't have much to say when I dropped them off last night as they were "in a hurry to go to a fireworks show". And now we are back to the lies, she went downstate and I know it, why bother lying? So that kind of killed the mood of the weekend, but overall I have some faith that at least we are working on being better friends after all this.

In thinking about that, I do feel great today.

Funny, for half a second Friday morning thinking about the possibility of XW trying to come back, I had the sinister thought of "stealing her back" from OM. crazy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/06/09 04:01 PM
Oh yeah,

Another odd thing: XW didn't wait long at all to have her name changed back? Why, did it hurt too much to bear? She held her first XH's name the whole time we dated so that her and S12 had the same name. Why does she want to differ from both kids now?

funny, as I started making out the check she was quick to blurt, "oh, I have a different name". All could say was "and it is?" She looked at me goofely and said "my maiden, what else?". I looked over at OM playing with our kids and said "I don't know you tell me?" She made this disapointed look rolling her eyes?

But I dont' get it, why would she spend the money to have her name changed if she's marrying OM anyway?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/07/09 01:01 PM
just journalizing?

I must say, as tempting and nice as it felt at the time to have someone come along, waht a bad idea that was starting to date new person. I ahd no idea how much it was tampering with my emotions over XW's A and the D and situation with the boys and all. It was obviously the cause of the increased stress lately. Since 'ending it' last Thursday I've been feeling much better, especially in the mornings. The dizziness has subsided and I've actually been able to drive in to the work the alst two days with the radio blaring without being distracted and enjoying life.

For a second I caught myself this morning starting to wane into a negative mood, looked myself dead in the face in the mirror and simply said ;life is good' and went about my way.

"xgf" did send a text last night "so this is how it ends?", I simply replied to take it for what it worth. I have issues, she has issues and it was not very truthful to say the least. Trust is going to be a serious issue with me for quite some time. But, thus that chapter is complete.

Didn't hear anything from boys or XW. It would appear they are still out of town downstate.

Not sure what to do. S11 has all of the sudden resumed his interest in NASCAR racing, I guess trying to follow in my foot steps, I had been a die hard fan since 1981. He lost interest as the M started to fall apart at some point a couple of years ago. I in turn lost interest in realization to that when the D got underway. Now he's back into and rekindled my interest. Anyway, his favorite driver is Tony Stewert, for those that don't follow, he drove the #20 Home Depot car from 1998-2008 exclusively. When we baught the 'new house' (aka the house from hell) and he finally had a room of his own, I painted it in the color scheme of Stewerts car, 8 layers of Home Depot orange so it couldn't chip went on the walls and a checkered flag on the ceiling, he was in heaven. Well, this season, Stewert went on to start his own team and is doing really well, leading the season, which is highly unusual for a new team owner/driver. I had bought S11 a die cast model of his new car as at last minute for S11's b-day. So since the race is being held here in Chicago this week and being excited that S11 is highly interested again, I thought it would be cool to see if we can get to an autograph session and have Stewert sign the car for S11.

Well, it looks like that is going to be a huge tibackle as there is only one location listed where Stewert will be doing autographs and we'd have to be there, in line at 7am to be one of 350 people to get a wristband for a one hour autograph session at 4:30 in the afternoon. What is the deal with that? mad

So I guess I'm going to have to go back to the drawing board on that. But then again, it doesn't even look like S11 is in town anyway. Maybe I'll spurge a little bit soon and take S11 to one of Stewerts dirt car tracks near by in Indiana.

I think I've rambled on enough. But I will say I feel good and really exercised control to not contact XW yesterday. I really like the way we are starting to interact, but I am not setting myself up for anything major.
Posted By: smith18 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/07/09 05:02 PM
Hey DDay -

It sure would be nice if I could get my XW to change her last name.

I think that as long as you have any desire or thoughts of taking your XW back, that dating or having a GF should be off the back burner.

That is awesome what you and your soon are starting to get back a passion for NASCAR.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/07/09 06:32 PM
hey Kerry,

I'm not sure why she was so quick to change it? I was soooo tempted yesterday to contact her and ask, it is curious. I am going to go with my thought that maybe it hurt her for some reason? Sat on her conscience too much? It is overall just very odd to remove herself in that sense from the kids. Then again, who's to say their names havent been changed as well?

Another oddity in that is that XW & OM were supposed to be running off and getting married as soon as the D went through, so why bother? It would seem that the little wedding must be on hold as the kids haven't said anything about it? All they ever talk about is wanting us all back together, or at least going to dinner or bowling, something like that.

Yeah, XGF isn't taking to kindly to it. But hey, I was completely honest from get go one that I have issues from all this and that I still have feelings for XW. Then to find myself becoming completely miserable again and finaly waking up one morning and asking 'what am I doing with this person, what do I have to offer? What IF the phone rings and it's XW asking for the seemingly impossible?'. Am I going to sit around for the rest of my life like this? No.

XGF asked me to send her a e-mail and I did, reitterating the same old thing. I'm not ready, I need amends. And isn't it funny the same day I back off with XGF, XW has a sudden bend of reality to realize and admit what she did is wrong and gestured at some of those amends without me saying much about it. I don't bother going down the road of the past with XW anymore in conversation, it's pointless, it's over and done with.

OH! and I guess I neglected to mention, when XW apologized, OM was right there on the porch not more than 20 feet away!

So yeah, it was nice for moment there with XGF, but it's not where my heart is and won't be for some time.

I am getting nervous after now 2 days of no contact with XW and I am certain she was lying about the fireworks, Im wondering if it was yet just another act to try and set me back up as a safety net again? The way XW rolled her eyes off in OM's direction and the way she spoke in uncertanty OM must be losing his charm (whatever charm a urban hick caries), I don't know, the atmosphere was weird and I felt and saw aside of her I haven't in some time.

I guess we shall see if interactions continue in that sense. She wasn't quite as sparkling on Sunday when I dropped the boys off, but she was still improved over our usual encounters.

On S11, yeah for a while as when most kids start to realize they are their won little being, we lost some compatability. He, much like XW always heckled me for watching it, 'it's boring they're just going around in a circle'. But then when you explain everything behind the scenes and it's not as simple as driving in circle he got hooked, even XW did for some time.

So he lost interest when I withdrawn from the M and just kind of clammed up trying to figure out what was going on with the M and what then W doing and why.

He's a tinkering weekend warrior like me at his age, taking stuff apart and figuring out how it works and putting it back together (minus some 'extra', 'uneccesary' pieces. lol) so our goal right now is to try and get a project car going.

Still haven't fournd a new nitch yet with S12, his thing now is baseball, but that is attributed to OM, so I think it's a little uncomfortable for him.

Oh and one last thing, I finally opened up a 'gift' from XW from Christmas that she finally remmebered to give me on my birthday. It's a chrome and engraved glass handle bottle stop, and it is very pretty.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 02:35 AM
So, the latest round complete

XW now says she's staying in the area. We worked out the kids school finances as it is due next week. They are staying in the area, good.

I finaly asked why she changed her name so fast, she blamed me. Yes, in doing what you're not supposed to do, I asked her to rid herself of it.

On a somewhat postive, I asked whn she was getting married, all she could say was that was the least of her concerns, for what ever that is worth.

Her mood was for the most part negative, so I can only take so much into account.

Apparently I set myself up for for more, and I need to stop that.

Dispite her negative tone, there was still a sense of sorrow, and that, I take to bed with me.

I only wish her the best on her endeavors, and what got her most was the fact I may not be her safety coushin much longer, The Navy is calling.

Afterall, she's only my ex-wife. Good night sweat Tracy, good night.

[dday out with the same damn tears he swore to never shed again]
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 03:39 AM
Hey dday, Try to keep yourself off that roller coaster!! Good to hear you ended it with GF. I think it was the right choice. Good to hear your boys will be near you, keep focusing on them! Keep that PMA going!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 01:24 PM
Thanks.

That darn roller coaster gets me everytime. But....

Hindsight 20/20, that was a very positive conversation last night I "won" a couple of small but in their own right big victories.

The conversation started with XW being uncertain still about moving and ended with she is staying and the boys stay in their schools, that is major and a huge relief. I could not bear the fact of them being so far away.

Secondly, the name thing, kind of shows to me a little bit of respect. She sounded upset she had to do it, again sighting me telling her to get it changed (quite a while ago, last October after our 10th anniversary and I was doing really bad). So I take that with a grain of salt on my part, but look at as a positive.

Lastly, and I can't believe I had the brass to ask when her and OM were getting married, and her response being rather quietly indicating that may not be happening at all. The whole time we were talking Xw made every attempt to do so in area away from OM, doing laundry and in the bathroom filling the tub (who fills a bathtub when the washing machine is running?).

So in a it's own way, that was a very good conversation and it just took me a little rest not to mention sobering up to soak in. I guess it was just the fact she sounded so upset that got to me. We did hit on a few touchy areas, but nothing nasty or fight like ensued, which is good, very good.

What really seemed to grab her attention is when I said I was greatful that she'd stay in the area as I was very concerned for the boys well being and hers for that matter should things not pan out with a new job or anything should she move and most likely I'll be doing the Navy and will not be here to bail her out if she gets into trouble.

Man, I'd love to say that the D is starting to peck away at her. It really seems that way.

I should mention this conversatin took place in two parts, the first was myself returning a call to S12 who left me a voice mail while I was mowing the lawn. When I called, XW answered and was making dinner from one my recipes that was kind of touching, and while I was talking to her, S12 was being very hostile with her in the background. After his meltdown on Satruday, he is obviously not very happy with all this. So, that kind of ate at me after hanging up an dstill not knowing what was going on with school. So I texted XW if we coul dtalk when she got done eating and she did.

My faulter to get back on that darn rollercoaster for a short duration is I'm just still too emotionally drawn to the situation and need to curb that. I did my best not to let on XW that fact, so I guess that's why I came here to let it out and crash, so there's another little victory.

Anyway, we came to the agreement to each enroll one of the kids on our own instead of all once and spliting the bill. But, I realized this morning, I can't do an enrollment as I'm no longer a resident, so we'll have to do it together.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 03:58 PM
Just a random shot in the dark looking at other threads.

I am enveous of those who were able to stick it out in the same house while they try and DB. That is such a luxury that if I had, I probably wouldn't be here today the way things are.

Well, atleast I am enveous of those where the M problem doesn't involove OP, anyways.

EDIT-

Oh, and I texted W to see if we both can go together enroll the kids. I fear they may have a residency issue with me, and this way we are all on the same page. See what she says.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 05:18 PM
XW texted back that it's fine we go together. It will be our first time "doing something" together that doesn't reuire an attorney present in quite some time. Ought to be interesting.

Then she texted me that there is a fan fiar fest near the racetrack for the upcoming race weekend if I wanted to take the boys. Unfortunately weather and finances are not allowingthat to happen. Yeah it's free to get in, but it's quite a drvie and my gas budget is already streached to it's limit.

ok, wait now she's texting me leasurely on how the fireworks show I took the boys to was crappy. So I take it she was there? And replied, yes. and th plot thickens.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 05:51 PM
Ok, so XW just spent her lunch break just radomly texting back and forth and having nothing to do with the kids. crazy

The last time we were like this was New Years, which was the last and only time she hinted she was thinking of ending it with OM so we could work at being better friends with the 'hope' to become more. crazy

I think I'm going to have to revisist my thread from that time period and my personal journal (if I can find it) and take notes on what I did wrong that time around.

This is crazy, I have butterflies in my stomach. This woman has torn my life all apart and yet the slightest simple communication is practically euphoric.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 06:44 PM
Don't let the euphoria suck you back in though. She hasn't fixed her issues yet and may just be looking for an escape from the sitch she has put herself in. Tread carefully.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 07:46 PM
Yes I know. It's just ever so tempting. And in reflecting, I think that's what blew it before, I went along with it all too well.

I just really miss the friendship we had. I know if and when that may happen, I know that will never be the same, but my goodness, this is like that first ice cold beer on a hot summer Friday night after a crappy week at work.

I'm just going to poke along with whatever this is going. Be a little mysterious. Funny, last Thursday my phone was blowing up between calls and texts from everyone as to what was going on for the 4th. She had a strange look on her face as the situation was strange as my phon eis usually dead silent with the exception of a collections call. lol.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 07:55 PM
Ok, insert mystery, now she's calling. confused
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/08/09 09:18 PM
and she called about??????
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/09/09 01:30 AM
Dunno no message.

But.......................

Got a call on way home, it was the kids. S11 asked if I wanted to talk to XW, I only said if she has something she needs to talk about, nope, convo ended.

Thereafter, XW called, we went over school issues, she sounded kind of excited they were staying in their rightful schools and seemed kind of shocked I knew the same things she did about the process (she normally handeled it). All in all, plaeasent conversation, she was upbeat.

Then she called again about the status with the dentist's office balance and we kept it to the kids on both accords.

Given her tone I really think she was tyring to search me out, call me crazy, I know this woman, or at least who she used to be.

So, I played along, and I think I played well, I WILL NOT let her know that despite all she's done I still would like to fix this mess.

Oddly, ran into former BIL at the grill, little prick gave me a nasty look I wanted ot ram down his throat and out his a..ho.e.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/09/09 02:48 AM
uggh, what DOES this all mean? Why the abrupt urge from XW to be in contact?

IS it real, is it game?

Couldn't come at a worse time. I'm 'home' alone and my cousin just called in to make sure I was ok and as I 'shouldn't be alone this week'. I respect the caring notion, I really do, but I didn' tneed the reminder.

And thus, the 'coaster' goes down the hill for the night.

It would be so much easier if she (XW) just hated me and left for good. I have a heart, although not perfect at times in her regard, bu tit is there, and she knows how to use it against me.

I just hope I don't screw up during the course of whatever this is she has planned out now. I think I did very well today, kept a upbeat tone (which was easy as I was delighted to hear her voice in a upbeat as well).

I'm just afraid she's trying to pull me back in as that safety net, which I'd gldly be, but SIMPLY CAN NOT. She needs to hit the bottom, she needs to know what it feels like. But yet, I can't stand back and watch her go through it. BUT I MUST.

dylan, get your f'n head together man, get it together.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/09/09 03:36 AM
questions:

What's worse?

1-being the LBS loving someone who puts on every best effort to show that love is worthless?

2-being the WAS that knows that same love is there and pretending to ignore it?

And lastly, and I'm sorry as I know ther are many of faith here, if our God is merciful and compationate, why the F must this be endured?
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/09/09 04:06 AM
I think you could ask Fighting Fit b/c she has lived both sides of the fence. I think she would tell you .......well, I better let her answer for herself.

If you want, I can find her and ask her to stop by.


Sandi
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/09/09 12:26 PM
Hi Sandi,

Nah, it's ok, the pitty party has dibursed.

That said, I'm getting much, much better at this. I'm certain my evening slumps the past few days are in light of the events that occured this week one year ago. But overall, I now have the ability to wake up in the morning, brush it off and go about day in positive manner.

So, today is another day to just phush along and make it the best it can be. Interesting to see if XW goes on another texting bout today. And if so, I just have to remind myself not to get sucked in to it all and just let it ride.

Guess they are doing a long weekend downstate as she said she's taking them to demolition derby down there that we always wanted to go to but something always got in the way. Don't see the sense of coming all the way back up when it's over. Must be nice to have all this time off work?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/09/09 07:20 PM
well, nothing all day thus far.

Don't know if XW was just testing the water out or what. Atleast I can say I think I did fairly well in not putting up any idicators of my 'excitment' to converse with her leasurely.

Guess it's just mainly after all the hostility of the D, it's nice to have.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/10/09 12:39 PM
Ugh, this is going to be a trying day.

Didn't hear a thing the whole day yesterday, not even from the boys. ON my way into work this morning, OM's car was in front of "her" (might as well call it their) house, meaning they didn't go to the derby, so at least in my absence, nothing has changed on that aspect.

The boys must be pissed and giving her hell. They enjoy the local derby we used to go to, but just got ridiculously overpriced and it gained in popularity.

Anyway, here we are finally, the anniversary of the discovery of the A. At first this morning, I was upset about it. But a couple cups of coffee and a shower and then I came to this conclusion:

Yeah, given it's circumstance, it's crumby thing to think about, after all it was the confirmation the M was in serious jeapordy. However, it's the anniversary of new lives:

Mine: I'm free of the tirany of manipulation. I'm free of the lies and the stories and constant bombardment and insecurities of XW. I now only take what I chose from her, and walk away from the rest. I am finally free to what I want, when I want with whomever I want, instead of having to answer XW every 5 minutes what I'm doing when I'm out. I am free.

XW's: Confined, Miserable, will have to spend the rest of her days asking herself, what have I done? Will have to spend the rest of her dayd looking her children in the face and will ahve to deal with forever why their father is not with them 24/7 as he should. Everything she will forever look at, talk about, or do, will be a constant reminder of the poor choices she has made.

And back to being confined, and probably the rationale behind the sudden communication. She is now confined to a relation with OM. Who else can she turn to immediately to replace whatever finances he provides shoud they part?

When I relected and came up with this this morning, I now know why everytime XW complains about work, money and living conditions, I have but one simple response that drops her face telling me it hit her to the core and the above is true:

"Well Tracy, this is what you wanted"
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/10/09 02:39 PM
Quote:
Confined, Miserable, will have to spend the rest of her days asking herself, what have I done? Will have to spend the rest of her dayd looking her children in the face and will ahve to deal with forever why their father is not with them 24/7 as he should. Everything she will forever look at, talk about, or do, will be a constant reminder of the poor choices she has made.


Of course, you are assuming that she has true remorse for what she has done and regrets it. She may be remorseful, but she hasn't voice regret has she? If so, I'm sorry, I must have missed it.

Remorse = I'm sorry I hurt you in this way

Regret = I'm sorry I did this, please forgive me, please accept me, help me. I want out of the situation I'm in.

BIG difference. We can assume all we want about their R's with their OP, however we don't know for certain the reality. Try not to turn up those first three letters and and a$$ of 'u' and 'me'! smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/10/09 03:30 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Of course, you are assuming that she has true remorse for what she has done and regrets it. She may be remorseful, but she hasn't voice regret has she? If so, I'm sorry, I must have missed it.

Remorse = I'm sorry I hurt you in this way

Regret = I'm sorry I did this, please forgive me, please accept me, help me. I want out of the situation I'm in.

BIG difference. We can assume all we want about their R's with their OP, however we don't know for certain the reality. Try not to turn up those first three letters and and a$$ of 'u' and 'me'! smile


Yes Mish, you must have missed it.

Much like around New Years Last Thursday and I did post it here, I did openly and fully get the remorse portion. Regret, not so much, not yet, I got the "I'm sorry part" but unlike New Years she has not yet asked for forgiveness or help for a possible way out. Relation with OM, again, not yet, but I did New Years.

Problem now, if my ass-um-ption is right as all indicators say, she should have stuck with it New Years as now, any chance of anything between us is pretty much gone. Far too much has transpired in the last 7 months since. Far too many people have been hurt, far too much healing on my end has occured that at this moment, there is no way in heck I'd ever purposely allow myself to be subjected to.

I analyze very carefuly everything she does or says, every reaction, every twitch as I simply don't trust her anymore. I gave her that trust one last final time New Years and she opted the 'easy way out'. But she ever so close to making the 'right' choice.

Now, she regrets that choice, and that was voiced last week. I just don't think she has the brass to come out and ask of my help.

So, no, I don't truly know what the deal is with her relation anymore, but she did this directly in front of OM. And wether or not anything more should become of it, it's a huge step towards my amends with her.

And, in conjunction with my reflection on each of our lives now, validates the belief of what her life is now, at least she is miserable, that I know.

Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/10/09 03:40 PM
Posted on 7/6/09

Originally Posted By: dday101798

XW seemed to be having a rough go of reality Thursday night when I picked up the boys. First thing that got her I don't really understand, my cousin had called to say she was going to be out for a little bit but should be back in time for dinner. I told her "no big deal, I'm picking up the boys from 'the ex's". I caught XW's face out of the corner of my turning pale white and just so upset looking, huh?

Then we got into talking about the child support paperwork not being submitted to my work for automoatic withdrawl and I asked her if she could check with her attorney on what the hold up is as they won't return my calls. This seemd to erk her and got her started about finances and how questionable things are looking on where they will live, but she "has til the end of the month to decide, but doesn't want to go downstate and give up her job as life is messed up enough already".

So, in response I got into how mine has been turned upside down financially and told her that it looks like the best option is for me to try the Navy again. I went throught my reasons, feeling like a burden to my cousin, if and when I do get a place of my own it will likely only be a studio apartment of which I refuse to live in any type of apartment and besides, I'll be working all the time so what's the point? So since I have all but 5 boxes of stuff to summarize the last 34 years of my life, it really makes sense to do it.

This prompted the kicker: A full on apology for her doing this. For once, I actaully believe it. I saw the unquestionable uncertanty in her eyes and for once I can safely say she is starting to realize that the grass isn't as green as seemed and by jumping ship and ending the M for OM was not the better option afterall.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/10/09 04:07 PM
I do remember that. I'm just saying that feeling bad about it, having remorse and regretting her decision doesn't mean anything really in the long run. She will continue to make decisions based solely on her own best interests of the moment and it's going to take caution on your part to keep from being sucked into her self-created drama.

You are doing really well! I think that the moves you are making with respect to your future are positive steps. Have you seriously pursued the Navy career? Just an aside...how old are you? I'm guessing from a comment you made about boxing up everything from 34 years you mean you are 34. smile The services are innundated right now with people wanting to enlist because of the economy so they are being extremely picky. This is one of the few times in history they have had the luxury of being choosy. smile They used to have a cut off age of 35 but I don't know if they still do.

Try not to over-anaylize what she is saying or doing. That kind of thinking can lead you to serious depression (um, hello.....taking my own advice now thanks!).

Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/10/09 04:36 PM
And that caution I am excercising. smile The only worth I give her statements and actions right now is it is settling some of the issues and bringing closure, not to indicate the desire to R on her part. If that is her intent and she makes that known one day, she is going to get hit with the same boundaries as before and more, and I know she will not agree to them.

Besides, on the uphill climb I am on right now, why the heck would I want to dive right in to unhealthy ordeal? No-no, IF and that's a bigass IF she has a slightest thought R, she has a lot of work to do, and a lot of time it is going to take.

As for my future, yes the Navy is a serious concideration. I do not have anything left of my possessions, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, lost 45% of my income for the next 7 years, refuse to sap off anyone when things get worse, and I simply refuse to work 18 hours a day to "live" in a apartment. So, the options are few and far between right now.

Much as she is living the life she doesn't want, so am I, but with one major difference, I am free, free to to make my own decisions from here on in on how to make my life better for myself.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/10/09 07:39 PM
hmmm, one more amend made, and without the interaction of XW.

I was searching for a document saved on my hard drive, and low and behold I came across a file folder of the final few letters and their respectvie drafts that I had given to XW when vocal communication was crippled, the first of which, written one year ago today for XW to read while she was supposed to be at her father's house "getting her head together".

I am ver happy and enlightned to say that I didn't as bad as I thought re-reading them. I actually was a very respective and patient LBS. They were completely validating and compassionate to the situation unlike some of the things I've seen others write to the WAS' in recent days.

So, another piece of personal serenity achieved. I wish I could say the same for our conversations of the area, those didn't go so well, but from day one when we met, when we got into issues, we were both so darn bull-headed to have our way and always cleared the air with a nice heart felt letter.

So, yeah, that makes me feel much better on top of already being better. smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/12/09 07:46 PM
Well, the day one year ago XW and OM proclaimed their 'fondness' for each other in fornt of the whole entire town.

Going to take a nap and restart the day, had a bad day yesterday working on my cousin's van and feel like a complete failure. All tools neccessary, gone, sucked away by ex-FIL. Tried to do it the hard way, nothing but failure.

Broke ground rule one, do not make initial contact, but it was only because the local store had all the kids school supplies dirt cheap, only got a quick repsonse from XW. They've been down state all weekend long, so who knows if she'll stick to the agreement?

This sucks, wished that van would have just fallen on me alst night and ended it all.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 07/12/09 08:15 PM
I have lived through many "brain re-boot" days. Hope you wake up with a change of outlook....
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/13/09 02:25 AM
Sleep dday....sleep and mindless movies help get you out of the 'crazies'.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/13/09 01:26 PM
Waking up with a change of outlook seems to be the 'norm' these days for me crazy

Guess I'm just getting frustrated and quietly upset since I haven't heard from teh boys in almost a week as usual. mad
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/13/09 01:39 PM
You can't call them?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/13/09 02:19 PM
Calling them means calling her which unitl recently lead to no good and still not talking to boys, or if I did finally get to talk them they were standoff-ish due to XW in backround puttin gon one of her sobbing performances.

Also, calling them this weekend was not an option as they were out of town with OM and her attitude on the phone is always lack-luster under those circumstances.

And finally, I would like to see her encourage the kids to pick up the phone and call.

I also always get the notion I am "intruding" on her time when I make initial contact.

I think htis afternoon when she's on lunch, that's if she's even working I'll send a mesage asking if she have them call me tonight. But again, I hate making initial contaact and looking 'needy'
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/13/09 02:55 PM
Gotcha. Understood.

I wouldn't say it's being needy though. Wanting to talk to your children is natural and expected and necessary.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 07/13/09 03:50 PM
You might want to set something up so that each of you has contact with the kids at a certain time of the day, every day. My x calls at 7 each night - I know it is him and don't go near the phone.
Who cares if she feels that you are intruding? They are your children, too. Call and ask to speak to them. If she starts a convo, you can say "I can't discuss that right now; I am calling for the kids." Then, be a broken record.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/13/09 04:33 PM
I had asked my attornery if we could word a specific call schedule in the settlement as this has always been an issue.

However, sighting possible work or personal issues that may prohibit the contact due to the unforseen circumstance it woul dbe a waste of money to word in, and the first possible breech of the agreement should either of us get fiesty enough to take it back to court and waste even more money.

No, I opted for the civil, responsible parent route. When they are with me and upset about something or just want to talk or just even say "hi" to their mother, I 100% support it and let them know they can use any phone they chose. It seems very seldom that she encourages the same on her end.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/15/09 01:16 PM
Day away yesterday, spent all day replacing about every aspect of a cousin's brake system on his 7 year old van he bought brand new that is in worse shape then the majority of any of the 15-20 year old clunkers I ever owned.

Despite the aggravation of the job and not having all the right tools as they were lost in the D, that was therapuetic. It's what I always used to do to get my mind off stuff and to gain a sense of accomplishment when a job got done.

Speaking of jobs, may finally have a line a part-timer. That would be nice, gain a little financial strenght back.

Low and behold in thick of the job yesterday, S12 finally calls. Acting strange, wanted me to pick him up tonight through Sunday. I could only talk to him for a few minutes as I had to get the van done and said I'd call him back, but when I got done, cleaned up and got back from dropping the van off, it was 11:30, don't think XW would have been too excited about that. He did call again later on at some point and left a message. Thus, I think XW is behind it and up to something, but maybe that's just me.

Other than that, just getting along but still doing good. A female friend invited me over for a drink tonight, but I think I will respectfuly decline as there's no doubt an agenda there and I'm finally emotioanly stable in repects to the up/down sense and don't need any disractions right now.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/15/09 03:51 PM
Heh, guess I ahve a new little issue. I respectfuly declined the offer to stop by for a drink today sighting that I just maybe see the kids tonight as something weird is going. Friend that invited me over then asked if I ahd called S12 this morning. I said no, not much sense since I don't know where they are ot and most likely XW is not around them as I have to go through her phone.

Friend negatively repsonded, well why don't they have a phone where yuo can reach them, what the heck is that, why do you have to go through her, that's so messed up, yadda yadda yadda.

And, I snapped. I guess I've subliminally weeded out those who only reflect back on the divorce and belittle XW. I'm sick of hearing about it. I'm sick of being around people who just want to talk about THAT. XW divorced me, not anyone else, let it be already for pete's sake. They didn't have to endure first hand what I did. I don't have to endure what I do everyday as a result.

Ugh. I know I already catagorized those that support(ed) or acceptted the affair as people I don't need in my life and that's quite a few as it is. Well, maybe the same approach I just took with this one is all it takes for one by one people to get the hint.

Anyway,

I texted XW beforehand that I was sorry for not calling S12 back last night as I was busy trying to get my cousin's van fixed and back to him and ran late. No reply (what a shock)
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/16/09 03:33 PM
Uhhhyvey, does it ever end?

So, while at dinner last night I caracked and texted XW as to what was going on with registering the kids for school today. Long story short I was getting nervous she was weazeling her way out of it.

We finally agreed to do it this morning versus in the afternoon.

So on the way to the school, I think I dang near had a heart attack from the stress of it all. Have no idea why I should feel stressed, this is a good thing.

So I get there just before 7 as we agreed, and after a few minutes she show up with OM driving her. Give me a break, you live 4 stinking blocks from the school, you really needed a ride?

We went in after a quick smoke and she FINALLY gave me back not only my birth records, but S11's (I think) and I do believe a copy of our M certificate, didn't really look as about ready to upchuck from the tension. OM drove off.

Registration went somewhat smooth paperwork wise. We were civil with each other the whole time otherwise. But as I was pacing around I noticed OM came back and was just sitting there in his car. After we verified we submitted everything we needed, I asked the clerk, "ok, now we're divorced and have joint parenting" [XW's face drops] "and what do I need to do as far as establishing a means of being notified of everything concerning the kids as she has residential custody?" Well, got my answers, but that seemed to strike a chord with XW once again, what don't like being D'd? Bit my tongue when the clerk was making talk and asked how our summer was goin thus far. XW put her charm face on "Good", I just shrugged and said to my self "pretty lousy seeing that I just got divorced!".

Anyway, it cam down to the finacials, looks like I'm probably eating the entire cost instead of 50/50. XW says she'll write me a check, we'll see. Plus if it has OM's name on it I'll probably burn it on sight.

Anyway we went to leave and have a smoke, as I opened the door I couldn't help but ask "so does your 'chauffer' wait for you everywhere you go?". She sort of sighed and said she told him she'd meet hime at "home". Whatever, she got atleast two text messages while we were doing the paperwork. Nice, atleast she's on a leash for once, get a taste of her own medicine.

So more of the same financial talk ensued, I mentioned I might have a solid line a part timer for the nights. Looks like the Navy won't pan out due to age and mass enrollment right now. I showed her my hands from working on my cousin's van the other day, they're pretty grusome from blisters. She said she had noticed earlier, I said, well yeah, literally working my fingers to the bone to make ends meet.

In summary with out much detail, she's broke, I'm broke. She's miserable, I'm miserable. I told her my cousin and I are getting into a real hard spot and really falling behind on things quickly and I don't know what to do anymore. She still tried to continue to one up me on everything being worse for her. I bit my tongue again and for once did not throw my usual comment of 'well, you got what you wanted'. Her expression said it all for me that she's come to the conclusion that the easy way out isn't so easy after all.

I don't know. We parted ways and that was that.

I read threw a lot of my old posts yesterday to prepare myself for this. After all the putrid, nasty, deplorable and disrespectful things this woman has done to me, there's still something there. I really wanted to go in there cheery and upbeat and put on a show, but I just couldn't do it. I don't think she deserves it. I don't need to make myself attractive to this woman anymore, she divorced me, I feel better with her knowing she's destroyed me, done exactly everything she said she wouldn't do.

And once again, her face and tone loud and clear said she knows it and is sorry.

I don't know, she has plumped back up to her 'pre-S' weight quickly.
Posted By: smith18 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/16/09 05:22 PM
Hi dday -

I think as time goes by, a lot of these emotional feelings of anger, resentment, regret, and the connection you still have for her will slowly fade. And with that will come some friendship which is great for coparenting.

Sorry to hear about your financial woes. I am hoping you can get some breaks and recover. Look long term like 5 years to get back to where you were.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 07/16/09 05:33 PM
Sorry, DDAy,

I don't know why these WAW's think that all the financial and lifestyle sacrifices are going to be any easier in two separate households as opposed to just the one. It never ceases to amaze me how they continue to try to run from the inevitable reality check. And then, when one of the continual aftereffects of their poor decision-makings drops on top of them, to see their astonished reactions and denials.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/16/09 06:00 PM
Thanks guys.

I don't understand it at all either NCB. I mean our finances were tight as was, what in the world was she thinking, oh yeah that's right, she wasn't.

She sure does realize it now I'll tell ya. And I can't stand it. I can't stand how it's affecting all of us. Almost everytime I talk to the boys, they are having grilled cheese and soup for dinner. I can't believe I feel this way, but I wish she'd leave OM for someone more financially fit. I mean, I gave her the CS check early today since I was writing a check out for the school, then asked when I'd have her 50% of the registration fees back, she said she doesn't get paid til next week, and maybe could give me a check. Umm, hello! What did I just give you? It's a shame she gets the CS the same weekend I have them as I know a good chunk of that money is spent before they are returned Sunday night.

AGGGGH! My cell phone has rang 3 times, in 3 hours and all 3 calls are debt collectors. 5 years Kerry, I don't think so. Hell 5 months will the holidays, and looks like we aren't having holidays this year. Bad enough I won't see my kids on half of them anyway. I don't even want to go 5 more days like this. I bit my tongue on saying to XW that I wish her father would follow through on his threat and have me "taken care of".

Kerry, as far the feelings and especially the connection go, I'm not ready to let those fade away and doubt I will. At the current moment and why I gave up on trying to date, is plain and simple, for some stupid reason I still want the impossible. After all that's been said and done, I can not bear to look at XW and see how scared she is and not do anything about it. It just doesn't feel right.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/17/09 12:59 PM
I'm really starting to get the notion I may just have to start another thread in the WAW section again for some insight on things lately.

XW (and boys for the matter re0reading this) is acting as if she's screaming something out with no voice and I just don't get it.

First off the name change (as a "courtesy to me"), the open apology and remorse for all this happening, the random day here and there spending her breaks at work texting me. Now, finally giving me my vitals documents I've been asking for since last September. Also yesterday when were at the school one of the teachers was loading up a bean bag box game in her car, and I had the ones I made on the list of things I still wanted back from the house but gave up on, and she said she had them now for me to pick up.

Then last night the boys call, S12 is upset that I didn't register him by my house for school and was very mouthy with XW while I spoke with S11. S11 is upset because he was bored as it was raining outside and he has nothing to do. Wanted me to go to "our house" and remove all of his belongings, BUT, bring them by my house? S11 also said XW retrieved my lawn chair (my portable fireworks throne) from her car and has it for me.

Then XW got on the phone. I had realized on the way home from work that I had not thanked XW for keeping the boys in their school, that really means a lot. So, I took advantage of the opportunity and did so, just said "I meant to say this morning thank you very much for keeping them here, it really means a lot to me, the thought of them being so far away was very nerving and would have been hard on me, I appreciate it very much". Thre was a moment of silence that seemed to last a eternity, and XW somberly replied, 'yea, well', something to that extent as she was so quiet.

I just don't know. For now, I guess all that can be done is to just let it ride and not poke, prod or pick at it. If and when she's ready to say what is on her mind, she will. My cousin is fairly certain XW wants out of the mess she made but is trapped with OM financially and by way of the agreements.

I want to say it's karma doing it's thing. She's miserable, I'm miseable, and the kids are clearly rebelling on her. Only time will tell. Then the first real question will be how she intends to undo the mess that was made and correct all the lies and stories she fabricated. Maybe I'm just being humbily optomisitc?
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/17/09 01:30 PM
Quote:
I just don't know. For now, I guess all that can be done is to just let it ride and not poke, prod or pick at it. If and when she's ready to say what is on her mind, she will. My cousin is fairly certain XW wants out of the mess she made but is trapped with OM financially and by way of the agreements.


She will speak when she's ready and, depending on her degree of stubbornness, you may never hear those words. She sounds like she's miserable, yes, but you know you can't fix it for her. She has to make her way out of it all on her own and in her own time. The more you analyze her actions, the more stuck you will be.

I'm going ask something that I'm sure you've thought about, I'm curious what your answer will be though.

Let's say she calls you today and says something to the effect of, "I've made so many mistakes and so many bad decisions but I love you and want our family together. Will you take me back?" I feel I know your answer would be yes, however, with the financial and living situation you both are in would that even be possible right now? The possibility of ressurecting the R depends on the stressors associated with it. The stressors you are facing now would not magically disappear if she returned. Could you handle that?

Just bringing up the practicalities....I know it's not very romantic of me, but that's the realist in me coming out. I've seen a lot of people fail because they don't look at the big picture.

Hugs to you dday!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/17/09 02:18 PM
Thanks Mish!

Yes, I have thought about it. And by way of protecting myself, I have not made a definative plan of action as that would be establishing an expectation.

That said. If that were to happen, believe me, my response would be with the big picture in mind. So much has been done that anyone else would probably have themselves commited for even thinking of taking her back. She has destroyed every and all ability for me to instil trust in anyone. Friendships and family relations are horribly damaged, some perhaps beyond repair.

So, hypethetically, I would say we would first have to re-establish our friendship obviously. All the while, these damages are hers to repair. S12 continually asks me who they are with on what day for the holidays this year, and what to do about those when they are not with either Xw or me. Thus, I know he does the same to her ten times over and that has to be slowly killing her. She would also have to rid her and the boys alike of OM and his entire family, period for ever, no exceptions. That one there is what she claimed killed it for her on New Years.

There certainly would not be an immediate living arrangement at all as the above items would have be demonstrated and upheld for quite some to restore my turst enough to even concider it. Also, there is no room at my cousin's for them so to speak, and there is no way in the world I will ever set foot in the house that she lived her life out for the past year with OM. I don't care if you told me there was a million dollars in non sequencial bills in there, no way no how will ever go in that house or "our" house EVER again.

Then, there is the health concerns of her lifestyle for the past year. Since she's been on "the shot" I would presume the do not use condoms which is really cute since they have a "open relationship". So needless to say I will have intamicy issues with her from get go one due to that and she will have to get herself checked rather frequently.

These things are just brushing the surface and would prohibit any possiblity of an immediate R. At this point in the game, it would be a whole new R all together. A whole new life. The S and D have completely stripped us down of all our belongings. And, I don't think either of us would want any of it back anyway.

Hindsight thinking of all this, I guess I can see why she chose the option she did. It's a lot of work. And perhaps she does not have the will to it, thus, no expectations.

There could be the option that perhaps all that is going on is she wants out of her R with OM. And in doing so, she knows she can not support herself and the boys. So maybe just maybe what is on her mind is merely just reversing the residential custody? That would be the easier and possibly doable option. Maybe she thought everything was under control on my end financially and our current talks of how I may be out on my butt tomorrow presses her back to have to be with OM?

I just know there's no way in the world she is happy with her life now and she has voiced that part several times over the course of this. She has in turn backed herself into a corner.

I WILL NOT help her out of it to most extent. This is her mess and hers alone.

I have no qualms being quietly "stuck". I am and have been and in being so, am no good for anyone else at the moment.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/17/09 03:44 PM
As long as you are working toward being unstuck in the future, that is all that matters.

It sounds like you have looked at all the possibilities and outcomes so that is good. The emotion attached to the R can overwhelm you in an instant if the WAS rears their head and musters hope that the R can be rebuilt. Since you have already explored your feelings on the 'big picture' issues, you should be safe from that.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/17/09 04:00 PM
At this point, no amount of changes, no amount of therapy, wonder drugs or new people can do only what time can.

So in time I trust if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. In time I trust that if it's completely unsalvagable, then it is.

And perhaps that is the best way to go about it. I need time either way. I need time to overcome the evil things she's done to either make it easier to accept her back in my life if that is what she so wishes, or to let her go if she does not.

I WILL NOT, be strung along. I WILL NOT be used. And I WILL NOT make hurried choices that I will regret later.

Over-analyzation, can't help it, that is who I am. But, I have no expectations of anything, you can't unless you just want more misery upon yourself later. And I've had enough misery.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/20/09 09:10 PM
Checking in on you dday....how's it going?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 01:00 AM
***END GAME***

It's come to the conclusion I'm no more than an inconvenience to every life I've touched and became unwanted every step of the way.

To my parents Samuel and Patricia, a unwanted son.

To my now ex-wife Tracy, a unwanted friend, companion, lover and husband.

To my boys Joseph and Christian, through the knowing wisdon of their mother (no sarcasm enlaid), an unwanted father.

I guess the meaning of life has cast it's way down on me.

For those whom bask in the sun and reveal life for every moment it is worth, then endless sunsets you shall see.

For those as myself whom silently beackon nightfall, may eternal darkenss comfort you in a warm silky shroud of one prolonged incoming storm laidened sunset. We have lived as thus we were allowed and embodied to, no more, no less. Our roles of this world were not meant ot be.

And thus, good bye. May peace, solice and serenity find you all in whatever way it see just and fit.

Peace, love and harmony...

Dylan (dday101798)
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 01:03 AM
Dylan--hang on. where are you?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 01:07 AM
Dylan, nothing is worth ending it. You have friends here who can help you thru this. Is there anyone with you?

I'm worried about you.

Praying God's peace and the comfort of the Holy Spirit be upon you,

Puppy
Posted By: drew7 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 02:16 AM
Wow I hope this guy is ok. I hope you are still reading this thread Dday. I am a "suicide survivor" (related to someone who did).. and the impact on loved one's lives is just enormous. I know you are in pain and I know you want that pain to go away but you have kids and no matter what anyone says to them they need you in their lives.

---
Drew
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 02:33 AM
Dylan,

The greatest lie that the Enemy ever tries to convince us of, the one deceit that is perpetuated to each and every one of us, no matter how great or how small we might be or how strong in ourselves, is three words: "I don't matter."

Dylan, you DO matter. Your children do need you. Your family does need you. To think that no one in your life needs you is a huge lie, the greatest and most deceptive of lies. Jesus Christ died for you, as he died for all of us. And if you were the only lamb that ever needed saving, still the Shepherd would have laid his life down for you.

WE need you, brother. I know it's tough. But hang in there.
Posted By: sgctxok Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 03:01 AM
Hi Dylan,

I hope you are around. I felt like this right before I came to the boards. It's the reason I stick around now.

Sweetie...there IS a light at the end of this tunnel. All is not lost. We are with you and will walk through this with you.

YOU MATTER. YOU MATTER. You are important, and you are here...on this planet and this board for a reason.

Please check in here.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 05:55 AM
Hey man. Email me if you want. pat77_60805@yahoo.com. C'mon, I know this crap is hard and trust me, I'm not feeling all fuzzy and fluffy myself. Besides: We live in Chicago!! You know: All Al Capone-type tough guys. Don't go making us look bad chief. Look; This is no bs: Email me. We'll talk, maybe even grab some beers at a nice Irish bar with ice cold beer. I'm not just saying this stuff either.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 05:59 AM
Oh, and we need to set an example here. Many other cities and other countries are on these boards. We need to maintain our Chicago reputations, so dude, represent!! Seriously....the offer holds.
Posted By: Ekie Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 06:06 AM
Dylan

Life is bigger then you and your boys deserve and need their father despite your current feelings.

Mike
Posted By: SingleAgain Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 02:24 PM
Do not be selfish. Your kids deserve better than having to deal with this nonsense. SNAP OUT OF IT!
Posted By: limbo Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 03:07 PM
Telling someone who is depressed to snap out of it, isn't the answer.
My h was depressed and had also threatened to hurt himself, and the one thing that he said used to really bother him the most is when people would tell him to snap out of it, or get over it. It does help, they want to!

I think by the tone of this posting the moderators should step in and try and track dday down and make sure he is ok.

It is obvious he needs help, and hopefully he can get some before anything happens.
Posted By: smith18 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 04:50 PM
Hey Dylan -

Your last post was rather disturbing to us all. I really hope you dont mean it. You are going through a rough time right now, but I do know that there is a way through it to happier times.

Please get a hold of Bearsfan.

Everyone here wants nothing but the best for you.
Posted By: SingleAgain Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 05:24 PM
Originally Posted By: limbo
Telling someone who is depressed to snap out of it, isn't the answer.

If he can lay this heady bullsh!t on this forum I can tell him to snap out it.
Posted By: kat727 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 08:16 PM
I know you are going through a bad spell right now. I know that you are in a lot of pain. I need you to do all of us a huge favor and try really hard to push that pain. Please reach out to a good friend, a family member or pastor and ask for help. Tell them that you are on the edge and want to be pulled back. Please, help is there for the asking.

kat
Posted By: john210 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 09:53 PM
Dylan
I have just read your last post and the ones after from folks who care about you. There is nobody out there no matter how much you love them, that should affect us so much. You are down right now and words probably won't make you feel too much better. I just want to tell you simply that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for all of us. I am living proof as are many others on these boards...hang in there...don't stop fighting...it IS worth it! You will see........
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 07/21/09 10:22 PM
Dylan,

I hope your last post was just venting. We all go thru days where we feel there is no hope. Many of us have been where you are now, me included. I was so far down at one point that I was thinking of giving up on everything. A dear friend helped me realize that wasn't the answer.

You have 2 precious children that need you. Have you thought of how they would react if something happened to you?

Life is tough for everyone. What we deal with only makes us stronger. You can only live one day at a time. It takes time to adjust to all that we have had to deal with. You can't get over the hurt over night. It could take weeks, months or even years. YOU can make it thru this. Dylan, if you need some time to yourself I respect that, just please sign on and let us know you are ok. If you want to talk off the boards please email me at anitamarie517@yahoo.com. I have a Backberry and can respond immediately.

You have many friends on here...please talk to one of us.
Posted By: dl443322 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/22/09 11:08 PM
Oh Sweetie, please reach out to someone.

Believe me when I tell you that I have felt the depths of pain you are feeling a few times throughout my life. I have gone through some stuff no one should have ever have to and I dont mean just what is happening now.

But, please also believe me that you will get through this. You will.

Please know that you matter to your children. You do not want to leave them a legacy such as this. I know you dont.

You have touched this world in ways you cannot imagine. You have made an impression, a mark on people. Believe that.

We are all on this Earth for a reason. You may think you do not matter to your parents, your family, your children, but you are wrong. You are. Trust in that.

Please do what you must to get the help you need. Reach out to whomever you can. Just do it. Make a call. One call.

Think of your children. They need you more than you will ever know.

If you want, go to facebook and look us up. Many of us are on there with the names we use here.

You can do this. We are here if you need us. Come on now, dont give up.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 07/23/09 01:08 AM
Dylan,
I was there. Right where you are. Lined up the bottles of pills, thought about just being able to go to sleep, to make the pain stop.

And then I thought of my kids.

And I went to the ER.

You might be able to make your pain stop, but only by heaping it upon those who love you, those who are innocent and have had too much heaped upon them already.

Please don't do that to them. You can call 911 if you don't feel like you have anyplace else to turn.

The pain that you are feeling WILL NOT LAST FOREVER. I know you don't believe this, but it is true. You have a responsibility to hang on and get the help you need. There is something else waiting for you.

***

Mods - I hope that you have contacted Dylan through his other sign-on info and email to make sure that things are ok.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 07/23/09 02:46 AM
Hey Dylan, just want you to know I am still hanging around waiting for you to let us know how you're doing.

I check on here many times a day to see if you have signed on and responded. Even though we have only spoken a few times, I want you to know I do care. I'm worried about you and really want you to send a message to someone and let us know you are ok.

You don't have to leave a long post or anything, just sign on and type I'm ok. That is all we ask.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/23/09 02:55 AM
Dylan, buddy, you have given me some very sage advice and words to hold on to. Please, please, please fight for your life man!

You are the most important person in the world to your children. They need you, they love you, they look up to you. You know that the depression is temporary and you can and will fight your way out of it.

Please contact us here. Please contact someone ASAP! I hope to God you are reading this. We all care about you and want the best for you.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 07/23/09 11:19 PM
Still thinking about you Dylan. I won't give up til I hear from you.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 07/24/09 01:38 AM
Dylan, brother, where are you? We're worried about you.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/24/09 03:08 AM
Hope you're ok. Sound off brother. Oh: and if you feel a little 'sheepish' regarding your last post, hey, there are not many people out there who have not gone through some tough times. That said, I think that everyone would be VERY happy and relieved to hear from you.
Posted By: kat727 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/24/09 05:43 PM
Does anyone know if the moderators have tried to get a hold of him? I really am hoping everything is ok.

kat
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/24/09 07:21 PM
I was told that the mods were notified but never heard anything else. I'm really scared for him. I hope he's ok and is just laying low right now.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 07/24/09 08:29 PM
I hope so too. Hopefully the mods or someone will find something out and let us know.

Maybe he had to cancel his internet service and has no way of getting back on here to post something.
Posted By: sgctxok Re: Newbie (again) - 07/25/09 04:41 PM
I can tell you, there have not been any Dylan's in the Chicago Tribune or Daily Herald in the last few days. I am praying he is in the hospital.

No one at DB has been able to make contact to my knowledge. I have communicated with a moderator. (as you may know, I don't give up easily)
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 07/26/09 01:23 PM
I have been watching the papers online in Chicago also.

What is the moderator you have talked to saying?

Dylan, I'm still praying hard for you!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/27/09 02:10 AM
I'm glad I'm not the only one searching the greater Chicago area papers for his name. I thought I was being horribly morbid, but it just was the only way I could think of.

Dylan, I'm praying for your brother. Please check back in with us soon. We miss you and worry for you.
Posted By: sgctxok Re: Newbie (again) - 07/27/09 02:59 AM
More to find hope rather than to be morbid. More reason to keep reaching out.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 07/28/09 01:21 PM
Still searching and still coming up empty handed. I guess that is a good sign though.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/28/09 04:59 PM
What's that saying? No news is good news I believe it is.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 07/28/09 05:32 PM
I agree.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 07/30/09 02:38 PM
Still hoping and praying for you Dylan.
Posted By: sgctxok Re: Newbie (again) - 07/31/09 04:25 AM
me too
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 07/31/09 04:58 AM
Yeah, you had better report back here...and soon. A DB task force is being assembled at this moment to locate you so it would be better for all concerned if you just came forward. Thank you for your cooperation.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/03/09 10:47 AM
Isn't there some geeky kind of way that the owners of this site can find out where he is and make sure things are ok?
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/03/09 02:37 PM
You would think that they would be concerned enough after his last post to do an IP address search and have the police do a welfare check on him.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/03/09 10:03 PM
That is what I was thinking. I'm really worried.
Posted By: sgctxok Re: Newbie (again) - 08/05/09 08:27 AM
I am not moderating anymore, but I have checked, and all I can say is it hasn't been possible in this instance. This is a very caring staff.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/05/09 02:46 PM
I hate not knowing anything.

Thanks for checking for us. I just wish we could get some kind of news.
Posted By: sgctxok Re: Newbie (again) - 08/05/09 09:44 PM
I know, me too.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/07/09 07:59 PM
I'm sorry to all (other than "single again"), but very, very greatful for your concerns.

I had to get away from all this. I suddenly found that posting here was just not letting me clear my head.

I got so overwhelmed and really went to a dark nasty place that I NEVER want to know existed again within myself.

I was just getting it from all directions and really had no desire to keep going on with all this and that it didn't or I matter.

Than the uphill climb commenced. And let me say, I am far better off now. Nothing XW says or does harms or preturbs me anymore, at least so far. We even had a encounter and conversation regarding "us" and her position with OM in recent days at 'our house' that prior would have had me curled up in a ball for days. Not anymore.

So, as they say, sometimes it takes the worst in us to bring out the best in us.

I do sincerely apologize for scaring you all. You are a great bunch of folks I'd love to call friends. I will take the time when I am ready to reply individually. At the current moment I feel a little uneasy being back here and seing the words "divorce" and "marriage", I guess most of the prior problem.

Becoming great again, one little victory at a time.

-Dylan
Posted By: kat727 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/07/09 08:02 PM
Thank you soo much for writing. We all very worried about you. Take a break as you need to. we all understand that. Just very glad that you are doing better and were able to come by and say so. Let us know if you need more space.

kat
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/07/09 08:42 PM
Thank God you are ok Dylan. We were very worried about you. If you're going to go MIA again drop a note in here to us so we'll know not to go all P.I. on you. smile

You were very missed and I'm glad you are getting your PMA back.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/07/09 10:05 PM
WHOAAAAA!!! THERE HE IS!!!! VERY glad you're alright. This is GREAT! Ok, you're a bit of a knucklehead but hey I know what path you're talking about my man. Ok, we will not send over the 'High Life' delivery driver to your place to confiscate your beer....this time. That guy is pretty cool, eh? Listen, my offer still holds by the way. This day has been a real pain in the butt, but seeing your post just improved that.Aye yi yi, what a day.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/07/09 11:56 PM
Dylan, I haven't posted to you before, but I've been checking on you recently and was worried about you also. You have so many that really care about you!!! Thanks for posting an update. I'm so glad it sounds like you're doing better! Karen
Posted By: sgctxok Re: Newbie (again) - 08/08/09 12:35 AM
Yay!!!!


It is really good to know when you need a break from the board and to take it. And to know if you need to leave. I'm glad you are ok!
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: Newbie (again) - 08/08/09 02:41 AM
Dylan--thanking God you're okay. More of us than you realize have been in that dark nasty place you mentioned. It's horrible, and I'm so relieved that you came through it and you're okay. We care about you.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 08/08/09 02:46 AM
Wheeewwww! Glad you are back safe and sound, brother! I think you can see just how much everyone has been concerned for you, which is to say a LOT.

But most of us all do understand the necessity of taking a break from things, yes, we do. We're just very relieved and welcome you back heartily.

Blessings.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 08/08/09 02:48 AM
Just what HM said - so many of us have been there, and it is very scary to see it from this side and not be able to reach you or do anything about it. Glad you are feeling better.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 08/08/09 05:02 AM
Yessssssssssssssssssss.
Posted By: AlexEN Re: Newbie (again) - 08/08/09 05:36 AM
Dylan,

BearsFan and I are here in Chicago, too... So, if you ever go there again, please reach out to us!

Welcome back... and take that space, too, if you need it more than posting here...

-AlexEN
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/08/09 11:52 AM
You just made my weekend even better. Dylan, I am so glad you are ok. I can breath a little easier again.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: Newbie (again) - 08/08/09 03:32 PM
Dylan--I certainly understand needing a break from the boards. just know that when you need us, we're here. we've all been where you are, many of us have been where you just returned from; there's no judgment here, just acceptance and support. well, occasionally an exception to that, but an exception that proves the rule. and you don't have to endlessly process here; if you just want to vent, or talk about something entirely unrelated to THAT relationship, it's perfectly okay.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/08/09 05:04 PM
Hey man. Just dropping in. Going to be a hot weekend here. I like warm weather but not this mid-90's crap. May hit the beach or a nearby pool. Hope you're doing better.
Posted By: SoCo Re: Newbie (again) - 08/09/09 05:42 PM
Hey, just stopping by. I've never talked to you on here (maybe on someone else's thread?) but I was following your thread. I'm glad you are back and feeling better. Yeah, sometimes it helps to just chat with your friends on here, joke, vent, whatever about stuff totally unrelated to the situation. That has helped me many times. Glad you're doing okay.
Posted By: Silent Chrleader Re: Newbie (again) - 08/09/09 06:31 PM
Hey, Dylan!

I'm sooooo glad you are doing OK! It appears that you may have turned a corner that I too turned fairly recently. Yes, that dark place is very frightening, but if having been there shows us the real gift that our life is and enables us to take back our power and begin to live our lives for ourselves, then that is a blessing!

It also should be said that the ability to have those deep real emotions speaks much for your character! The world needs people like you (and me?) in it!! We are the caregivers of the world! Please don't ever doubt again how very beautiful, and important, you are!! To those who know and love you today......AND those you have yet to meet!!

Take care!!

((((((hugs))))))
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/10/09 05:27 PM
Thanks again all, and I hope I can repay the favor some day.

Yes again and agreed, it seems to take the worst of events/feelings/circumstance to finally turn a corner and let life just go on.

All in all, things are still well.

Communication with XW is at an all time high since the S. She is outwardly trying to say something, but just not willing to do so. Not that it matters, what is between us is what it is. However, the overall comfort level is up. Heck, we've even been randomly calling each other about sales or what not. We've even been exchanging random 'gifts' and compliments to each other.

The kids on the other hand, are having a bit of a pull with things. S12 has been calling daily to come get him and do something like grab a bite to eat or what not. I had to stop at XW's twice last week for off the wall reasons just so they could get a few minutes in with me. S11 proclaims more over that he wants to be by me.

XW voluntarilly let me have them over for the night last Friday, that was nice. So I'm not sure if the fact they can't see their father when they want is really starting to naw away at her, or if she's simply overwhelmed having to deal with family issues "alone", or both who knows. She still has control issues with them when I'm talking to them on the phone.

I just know something is rattling around in her head. Last Wednesday I was supposed to stop by "her house" for a moment. But when I called her to let her know I was a few minutes away, she said she was at "our" house and if I could meet her there. Ugh, did my stomache drop to think of going back there. For some reason she seems to be spending quite a bit of time there lately. I still vow to never set foot near that place again, parked a few houses down and waited for her.

Anyway, she gave me my bike back that was supposed to be returned months ago. It's completely trashed, but salvageable. So we were just small talking and she asked me for a cigarette as she didn't have hers. I took note again to her ring and finally asked if that was her engagement ring. She somberly replied "yes, well not anymore". She says she broke off the engagement, isn't sure what to do, is scared, but 'he's a very nice, caring man". I think I ate my tongue for dinner hearing all that.

We didn't get into any talk of "us" per sae. The few times it did, I went with my usual standing, it is what it is. We talked about work and life in general, my point being trying to find another job so I can finally get out on my own, she asked as she has done many times of where I'd move to. Each and every time my answer has simply been back in to town here, this is where I belong and where the kids want me. But standing so close to that house made me openly question if I could or not. XW has also indidcated she wants me to move back too and even offered up employment sugestions. I just said we'll see.

So, that's it in a nutshell overall. Just finally living for me and my boys as things are now, not how they were and how I felt they should still be. Just making the best of it. And, so far, the approach is not only good for me, but the boys, and now a more 'lax relation' with someone who I have to get along with no matter what the situation.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/10/09 05:35 PM
Originally Posted By: bearsfan45
WHOAAAAA!!! THERE HE IS!!!! VERY glad you're alright. This is GREAT! Ok, you're a bit of a knucklehead but hey I know what path you're talking about my man. Ok, we will not send over the 'High Life' delivery driver to your place to confiscate your beer....this time. That guy is pretty cool, eh? Listen, my offer still holds by the way. This day has been a real pain in the butt, but seeing your post just improved that.Aye yi yi, what a day.


HAHA!!! If you send in the High Life confiscation team, I will go over the edge for sure! Those commercials are hysterical by far.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/10/09 07:15 PM
You sound great Dylan. I am so happy for you.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/11/09 01:22 PM
Ok, I think I know how I want to handle this, but just thought I'd throw it out there for opinions.

Boys called again last night begging me to come get them for a bit for the next few nights, "at least for dinner or something" to get away from 'their house' for a while. And, again, S12 sounded like he was nearly in tears wanting to know when I was coming back to town and buying a house. (yeah right, even working two jobs I'll be luck to afford a mobile home no thanks to all this).

Given S11's stated displeasure for OM once again attempting to assert himself into a disciplinary role, and XW pro-claiming to be at odds on what to do about "their" situation, I have a sneaky suspicion that the atmosphere there may be destabilizing.

So the dilemma:

Obviously OM and his immediate exposure to the kids has been and always will be a highly salty issue for me. Sorry, I can forgive her til the cows come home and I have, but that I simply can not. I also will not accept in any way OM thinking he has a role in rearing those boys.

Thus, I need to communicate and remind XW of this. Now, I think the best way for now is to gingerly approach it verbally despite the parenting agreement. The parenting agreement clearly dictates that any concerns in regards to the kids MUST be in written form for record and if I did so, right now I'd be sighting at least 3 provisions of the agreement that she is in violation of and faces contempt of court, ie- potential loss of custody.

But at the same time, I do not want to endanger the highly improved communication between us as of late. Sure, she may just trying to bait me as a safety net again, but as the song goes: "it's too late to apologize", is my stance. However, I am really liking our restated ability to talk openly and not be tiptoeing on eggshells, hell we're ever so close to potentialy at least going to dinner as a 'family' which has not happened since the end of August or so last year?

What would you do? Going the written route would definately set back if not completely shatter a re-developing friendship between us (regardless of her motive). Verbally however may do nothing more but the same. But it does have to be addressed.

Peace,
-dylan
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/11/09 01:27 PM
Originally Posted By: T2SP
You sound great Dylan. I am so happy for you.


As soon as you finaly realize that trying to live in a broken past is nothing but poisenous for yourself and that you are best off leaving that past behind, it gets much, much easier to face life's daily challenges.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/11/09 02:13 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
Originally Posted By: T2SP
You sound great Dylan. I am so happy for you.


As soon as you finaly realize that trying to live in a broken past is nothing but poisenous for yourself and that you are best off leaving that past behind, it gets much, much easier to face life's daily challenges.


You are right on the money with that. It takes time to adjust to a new life after having yours turned upside down. A person has to deal with things their own way and at their own pace.

I told a friend a little over a month ago that I felt they were in a situation that they should get out of. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel for them. But now, looking back I made a mistake. Maybe I don't see the light but they do. They are the ones who know when the time is right to move on to the next stage. If they are reading this, they will know who they are. I jumped to conclusions and snapped before thinking.

I have learned that the past is where it belongs...in the past. We can only focus on our lives day to day. At the moment I don't even think it is wise to think too far into the future because none of us know what is out there.

I'm glad you found your way back.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/11/09 08:31 PM
Well, off to pick up the boys and maybe get some ice cream or something and chit chat, get them out of the house as they request. Tomorrow we'll do our famed Wednesday night at the local grill like we used to, they miss that so much and so do I. So bad I put my account in deficit should a pending check hit, but I don't care, the smiles on their face and hanging outside on the patio is a fondly missed memory of old and there isn't much time left to squeeze many in.

XW apparently didn't get my text after my talking to the boys to double check if htis was "ok" with her. Heh, she panacked and said she'd get them ready, I'm assuming she thought I was taking them overnight? Would be nice, but on my new hours, I don't think they'd be very happy getting up so early in the morning.

Anyway, will address my concern as stated before very gingerly. I will start off elaborating in short detail on how it's nice that things are improving. And once again, I will invite her to dinner tomorrow with us. I think it would be very nice for the boys and who knows, put her mind at ease for a bit? crazy

-dylan
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/12/09 02:33 PM
Well, in my own seemingly disasterous way, I think we might be reaching a milestone.

"Ice cream" with the boys turned into dinner. XW claimed to not know I wasn't taking them for dinner last but tonight. Long story short, XW thought it would be a nice time to do some "running around" with OM while we were out, whatever.

Well, when I dropped the boys off, I ahd to wait 20 minutes for them to get back. XW came to talk, but at the same time OM was lurking way too close for my tolerance range and I did not get an opportunity to address anything since he was so close, and then playing with MY kids like they were his own. She sensed that I'm sure.

The only conversation that really got anywhere was her wanting to "switch" for "memorial day weekend". LOL, even my 11 year old knows that it's Labor Day coming up. So I said, I'm not sure what's going on yet. She starts going into detail on what she'll be doing Friday night, then Saturday night, and all I can reply is I don't know what's going on yet, meaning with me, and hinting the answer is no as I am not a babysitter to accomodate her fun time with OM. So she finally says "I just told you what's going on!". I just cocked my head over in sarcastic fasion and said, I don't know what I'M doing yet, I have a life too ya know". Her jaw litteraly dropped, guess she didn't see that one coming.

So, went "home" and soothed a miserable day at work and tried as best I could to get the image of that undeserving slime of a being enjoying tine at will with MY kids. Upon clearing my head of that, I sent XW a text that she is as always cordially invited to join me and the boys for dinner. No reply and I went about my soothing. Tensions were a little high as my cousin wanted me to go look at a new truck for her, and she was upset with her son for a few reasons, of course, I bore the brunt on his behalf.

Apparently later on, "dummy me" sent another message saying "I don't know why you hate me so much, just listened to 'sorry' (Buckcherry) 10 times over. love-d". The song had significant meaning when it came out as that was when we reconcilled our seperation in April of last year and had unquestionable the best 4 weeks of our years together.

So, I thought I'd let it be, but no, had to go in damage control mode. Sent a message a little while ago, "sorry for the last message, tensions were high at 'home' and was hoping to hear from you about dinner". I immediately figured taht would net zero response.

Minutes later, she replied "I was in bed at 9pm, at work, I'll call you later". So I'm figuring crisis averted? We'll see, everytime I invite her with us, she'll just text back that something is going on, sorry. This time a call?
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/12/09 08:45 PM
I know it is hard but you might want to limit the texts and contact with her. You don't want to look like you are pursuing.

One of these days she may shock you and accept the invitation.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/13/09 02:20 AM
Well thanks T2SP, but..............

According to her, she can't because she has alot going on.

According to the kids, she can't because "he" will get mad and the will fight, and he will leave her.

There's clearly mcuh more than meets the eyes behind the scene there.

My, our boys are getting so depressed. S11 handles it ok, but I nearly had to pry S12 out of my truck after 20 or so minutes of him begging and pleading to 'go home with dad'.

It's all worse, not better.

For the record, I came here, not to her. I only texted her when I got home to see if S12 was ok. She said "he has his moods". I only replied this is getting worse instead of bettr.

I can not come to words to describe the emotion on her face when S12 just wanted to be with me and I had comfort him for so long. That look must echo the pain in my heart for the sacrafice I made giving her those kids thinking that it was beter off to just end it.

Now, hind sight 20/20, I was wrong. I should have gone that one step further. I should have let them have their say.

I just still look back upon that look on her face and try to wonder what was going through her head. Then I realized, like a fool, a blind, beknown fool, I still feel for her.

Does it ever go away?
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/13/09 01:02 PM
It is hard on us but much harder on the kids. Just let your kids know you are there for them. Spend as much time with them as possible. They will soon realize no matter what happens between you and their mother, you will still be there for them. Their fear is losing you.

Watch your son regarding his "moods". Maybe he needs to talk with someone who is not linked to the situation. My kids are older but they had problems dealing with it and both got very depressed. Gave them each a notebook to write their feelings down. It helped a lot.

It is hard to not have feelings for someone you loved for so long. I will admit that it does somewhat go away. I can say I am over my xh for good. It was a long battle but I have reached the end of my rope with him. I got tired of hanging on. I let go and feel free now. I am beginning my new life and so far it is great.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/13/09 01:35 PM
I do let them know I'm there for them and if not physically, I'm on the phone with them for countless hours. It used to seem like a chore to have them call me. Now it's daily and even at my work.

Like I said, I'm near certain my level of involvment, care, love and interest with them is really tapping into XW's emotions. For the last few years, I took them for granted, as I did her. Now, I cherish every moement with them like it is my last. She sees this, and it's doing something, her face said it all last night. And no doubt, OM saw it too when she went in and hence the friction.

The reality of it though, I woke up this morning and thought about it all again over my coffee. I simply want her to join us for gash darn dinner, our kids want it soooo much. If I have to I'll tell OM straight to his face, it's jsut dinner, between 2 kids and their mother and father. When it's done, you can have her right back, I don't want her in that sense anymore and family and social networks are here by forever shattered rendering it nearly impossible anyway.

In retrospect, the feeling that came across last night for XW was not the a-typical "i miss her, or I want her back" type. It was more of a sense of I felt so bad/sorry for her. But, I can't. She needs to see, feel, and accept all the pain hurt and destruction she caused by taking "the easy way out". Then figure a way to make the wrong things right.(in my opinion)
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/13/09 02:29 PM
Ahhh...I get you now. I read wrong this morning.

I think it is good for the kids that parents are able to get along. No matter the problems in a relationship or whether an OM or OW is involved. My xh and I used to spend holidays and birthdays as a family even after he left. This was when he had first OW (I was in the dark on this one for a long time) but now that he is living with his new gf, we don't get together at all. I have to admit it is my fault though. I want nothing to do with them. He once told me no matter if he was with someone or not he wanted to remain best friends. It worked until I got a boyfriend. Now he stays angry with me. It is like he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. Or maybe he sees that I am happier now than I was with him. I don't know. I just live day to day for me...and my girls.

Do you think your xw has a fear the kids will have more fun with you? Maybe that you will take them away from her? When you weren't talking to them much she had control, now she is losing that control...or thinks she is.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/13/09 04:05 PM
Control.... That's a key word.

I was the "drill seargent". When She asked them to do something and it didn't get done, it was the 'ol "I'm going to get your father to handle this" family enviornment.

now, when they are with me, I rarely have to even raise my voice. Last night at dinner they were bickering like two school girls. After quietly setting the matter straight of "you mind your business and you mind yours" problem was solved. Most of the time that I do have to get on the firm side with them, it's nothing serious but boys being boys. But overall they do not act againt or towards me and haven't really since she left.

What I see when I pick them up an dhear over the phone in the background on her end, entirely different. They talk back, swear, hit things, throw things, I simply can't believe they are the same kids. That's her mess to deal with. If it's really bad, or one rats out the other to me about something that tranpired with their mother, all I can do ask why would you do that and remind them to be respectful of their mother, that's my role now.

Anyway, what really blows is the fact OM seems jealous that XW and I are getting along much better, for whatever motive on her end. The part I don't understand is why all the sudden does OM have a say in what she does or how she interacts with me? Was not a problem when she left and I was begging and pleading for her to come home wach time we spoke. Maybe that's it right there. We're not at witts end with eachother anymore, there's no point. I'm sure he's certainly lost whatever charm she thought he had in the first place. And yet she now sees how I interact with the kids as the precious gifts they are and not a inconvenience at times like I did.

Then there's the notion maybe she woke up? What do they say one month for every year of marriage? Well, guess what we're right there at this point in time. All I know is she and I have a job to do, raise our kids the best we can regardless of the situation. And I will be dipped in s@!t if OM or anyone else thinks they can get a word in edgewise.

I would not take them away from her unless it was absolutely neccessary. At the moment, OM has no business being in their lives and all it takes is one trip to the courthouse and he's out of there. But, unless he becomes a physical or emotional threat, I won't do that.

Again, it's all the question of what is going with her. Both boys asked me on atleast 5 different occasions last night when I'm coming "home" (to town). S12 was so cute last night when he got upset and said "mom will give you the money to buy a house and all you have to do is buy furniture and make all the payemnts and we'll (I'm assuming just the boys )live with you. I smiled and confirmed 'mom will buy me a house?' looked at XW, 'thanks mom'. She grinned to confirm "yeah right".

So I don't know. Maybe she thinks that when I move back they'll be able to see me more and be more at ease with her? I don't know. But what in the world does she think will happen when our face to face communication increases at the same time? How will OM "like" that?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 01:51 PM
Uggh, what a horrible weekend. Time with the boys was good, but any and everything that could go wrong did.

Stupid bank screwed me over royally on overdraft fees, have to fight with them today. Took the boys to the beach for the air show yesterday and my truck got towed, so there went more money flying out the door. If I'm lucky I ahve $60 to last til next Friday.

Then after confirming the truck was in the pound, I called XW to let her know the situation and I wasn't sure if I had enough to get it out. You think she'd call back? Of course not. She had a nasty attitude on her Friday when I picked up the boys. After getting home I tried calling again, and once again my call was rejected to voice mail. I finally sent her message asking what her deal is now and that the boys will be late.

As I was having a smoke and beer to calm my nerves from being raped by the City of Chicago, S11 sat donw with me outside. I was preterbed by the fact that XW spends a month trying to be 'buddy-buddy' then all the sudden I'm back on her s@!t list. So S11 asked what was wrong and I told him that and that it's driving me nuts. He said she's mad now because she thinks I have a new girlfriend!!!! BAH!!!! WTF!!!!!

Even IF I did, SO WHAT?

That's just fricken hysterical.

She finally called, claimed she had no reception on her phone coming back from being down state again. I stated what was on my mind about her jeckyl and hyde attitude of which she agreed and didn't offer a reason.

So, when I drop the boys off, she's all peechy again, what ever. And man, she is packing on some pounds in a hurry, I really bit my tongue on asking if she pregnant or not.

Where in the world does a WAS get the nerve to get jealous over something in their own head that even if it were true is none of their business anymore anyway? crazy
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 02:20 PM
Dylan.

I don't think the WAS's think straight. My ex and I got along great the whole time we were separated and even when we were discussing divorce. As soon as I got a bf, he flipped out. All we do is argue now. I just don't understand it as he has a gf too. He left me for another woman but expects me to stay single...WTH? I gave up on trying to figure him out. I just stay away from him.

I understand you on the money issues. I am going back and forh in my head on what to do. I get paid every week but after paying bills, groceries and gas, I have nothing til the next week. I just keep telling myself it has to get better. As I struggle, my ex is out having fun going to concerts, waterparks and living a grand life with his "new family" while I try to keep a roof over his girls heads and food on the table. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I am sinking fast.

Ok, enough whining from me. Other than all the mishaps you had this weekend, tell me something good that happened...
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 03:12 PM
Oh, wow, big coincidence on the bank situation and the overdrafts. Somehow my xW was recently able to close a line of credit in my name without the bank bothering to contact me first. This was the line of credit used to buffer the overdraft feature on my checking account. Well, I got slammed for six charges last week before I discovered what had happened. I too am PO'ed at how a national bank can allow something like this to happen even though I have been divorced from this other party since April and we had already completed the remainder of splitting of our finances back in January. This ain't supposed to happen.

On the LBS dating again thing, the WAS is typically under the impression that the LBS should have no further life now that they have ended the M. In their mind, the LBS is obligated to simply crawl in a hole and die. We're not supposed to ever find joy in life again, much less a new love interest. Never mind they might still have their own paramour.

My ex seems thoroughly peeved at me for continuing to so much as breath, even though she has gained the freedom to pursue her worthless BF. I daresay when I start dating again she'll be inconsolably livid.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 03:29 PM
Well, the kids did have a great time all around and that's positive enough for me.

Also, a friends daughter was really upset about her father not being there for her in any sense and that she wished XW would stop being so irrational to a good dad. That was really nice to hear.

Unfortuantely, "just staying away" from XW is not an option in my eyes. We need to co-exist to get these boys through life as best as possible. I swore they'd never be in the position they are now. And now that they are, we need to work together to make it as best as possible. If OM has a problem with that, too bad. If she has a problem with the fact someday I might just actually be up for having someone in my life again, too bad.

In the mean time I just find it comical. Hell even a 11 year old kid does.
Posted By: SophieL Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 03:36 PM
Brief hijack

"On the LBS dating again thing, the WAS is typically under the impression that the LBS should have no further life now that they have ended the M. In their mind, the LBS is obligated to simply crawl in a hole and die. We're not supposed to ever find joy in life again, much less a new love interest. Never mind they might still have their own paramour."

Hahahaha! Soooo true!!!

"My ex seems thoroughly peeved at me for continuing to so much as breath"

Priceless! Your ex and my ex are made from the same mould!

ps. for everything else there is mastercard! wink
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 04:05 PM
Just mind boggling.

Ever since last Wednesday she was so anxious to know where and with whom I was going out with the next night.

Then when I picked them up Friday, she was so bitter and practically emanding to know where I went. I simply stated, I don't answer to you anymore and that set her off the deep end for the weekend.

So she sat there for however long concocting this belief I have a new GF and that upset her. Gee honey, with this before or after you went to bed with whatever he is now?

I'm gonna need to call her out on this, I would love to hear the ratinale behind this 'logic'.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 04:45 PM
Quote:
I'm gonna need to call her out on this, I would love to hear the ratinale behind this 'logic'.


Dylan, buddy, don't bother. There is no rationale, there is no logic, there is only some seriously messed up thinking. Do you need to call her out? IMO, no. Let her stew in her own juices. She didn't want to be M'd anymore so giving her any inroads to give you her opinion or share her feelings with you is not appropriate unless it directly involves the kids.

Sucks about the bank! Mine has been screwing me over all year but I go in and cry on the bank managers shoulder and she usually takes pity on me some. She is well aware of the situation and she's a friend so it helps.

Take care!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 04:52 PM
yeah, Mish, you're probably right. No I don't need to call her out, it's just perplexing to say the least. Now that I think about it, even more perplexing is why am I spending so much time dwelling on it? {bangs head on desk multiple times}

Heh, maybe I should get one of those 'escorts' for a event XW will be at and really play with her head. laugh
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 05:07 PM
ROTFLMAO!!!!!

Here's an expample of some messed up WAS behavior.

My xh apparently saw me standing in a parking lot talking to a man. He didn't call me, he called my son asking him where I was (um...hello...you just passed me!) and who I was with. Marc told him that I was out at a class. Xh kept asking him which class, where it was, etc. until Marc finally told him that the class was at church and it was probably over by now (it was around 9pm). Xh was snippy with me the next time we had to communicate about Marc and then he came out with, "Who was that man you were talking to the other night? You guys looked like you were pretty close and having a nice talk." My response to that......."A very good friend who lets me practice my flirting techniques on him." grin
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 05:14 PM
Originally Posted By: SophieL
Brief hijack

"On the LBS dating again thing, the WAS is typically under the impression that the LBS should have no further life now that they have ended the M. In their mind, the LBS is obligated to simply crawl in a hole and die. We're not supposed to ever find joy in life again, much less a new love interest. Never mind they might still have their own paramour."

Hahahaha! Soooo true!!!

"My ex seems thoroughly peeved at me for continuing to so much as breath"

Priceless! Your ex and my ex are made from the same mould!

ps. for everything else there is mastercard! wink



they're all cut from the same mold!! that's why they need a DSM-IV category for this stuff!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/17/09 08:25 PM
Well, time to go cry on the bank manager's shoulder, which I very much may end up doing. frown
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/18/09 01:03 PM
Well, that was pointless, bank wouldn't budge. Had no choice but to pull almost every penny remaining out just to "survive" on until next Friday. Even then, no doubt penalties will compound and eat up that paycheck. I figured if I didn't land another job by September I'd be in financial ruin and here I am.

Even worse, I'm into my cousin for money now, so she formed a pack with her neighbor and is holding the title to my truck. I'm not mad, I understand, but I wish she would of just came to me first.

So, now I don't even know how long I'll be able to work my primary job.

Going to tell XW today that she had better get her attorney to submit the automatic withdrawl for child support TODAY other wise she's likely to not get a payment, can't get blood from a turnip. I've been reminding her each and every time we speak that things are getting bad and about to have an effect on the payments.

Ugh, something needs to happen today, it really really does. I got to thinking of all this this morning and I couldn't breathe. God, I thought the emotional turmoil was bad, get over that and now this.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/18/09 01:45 PM
Hang in there. I keep telling myself things will get better. They have to because I don't think they can get any worse. Or at least I hope they can't.

How can she form a pack with her neighbor without your consent? You had to have given her the title to begin with...right?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/18/09 02:01 PM
The title had just showed up yesterday in the mail. I didn't think much of it on Saturday but we were talking prior to me taking it in to get a tire fixed and that I should stop and get a couple of keys made as I only have the one that came with it at purchase. She said "yeah you should give me one just in case.

Like I said, I'm not mad, I'm in debt to her and I have NEVER had a personal debt before and I can't stand this.

I just got to think a few minutes ago that a friend of mine has a apartment with a problematic roomate. Nice part is she's close to public transportation, so I'm thinking to just sign the title over completely to my cousin and she sell it to cover the debt and I'll move.

Problem with that is, my friend is not in the greatest of neighborhoods and is female, and that will have a huge impact on my visits with the kids. Mainly disallowing it.

I just simply can't do this anymore, expecially driving 54 miles per day and now without a penny to name in the event of breakdown or accident. Couple that with now my cell phone payment is overdue for payment, just stirs the recipe for disaster even more.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/18/09 03:00 PM
I feel ya! I have to come up with $1400 by the end of the month. I have about $800 so I will have to borrow from my parents. I hate doing it but we do what we have to do.

Once you get behind it is hard to catch up. I am determined to do it though.

Wow! 54 miles per day? I complain when I have to drive 15.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/18/09 03:02 PM
heh, in a weird twist of events I just got done applying for a position at another institution that is minutes away from my town. Was really scared to do it as I've been here 10 years, but if this one pans out, will save me a ton of money right now, and especially when I mave back to town. to say nothing of cutting my commute time, heck, right now I could ride my bike to work if I wanted. And it's technically the next position in line for me to promote to anyway if I was here.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/18/09 03:09 PM
heh, in a weird twist of events I just got done applying for a position at another institution that is minutes away from my town. Was really scared to do it as I've been here 10 years, but if this one pans out, will save me a ton of money right now, and especially when I mave back to town. to say nothing of cutting my commute time, heck, right now I could ride my bike to work if I wanted. And it's technically the next position in line for me to promote to anyway if I was here.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/18/09 03:49 PM
OH, I neglected to mention, if I leave my current employer, I will then have access to my retirement accounts and presto, debt problems solved!

I'm scared but excited about this.

And yeah, 54 miles, 27 each way with no detours, so if I go shopping or something, that goes up in a hurry.

I was just looking at apartments from my town I want to move back to, If not within blocks of the potential new job and I might just be able to do this! Freedom!!! laugh
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/18/09 03:58 PM
I love the positive outlook. All you have to do is be patient. I hope you get the job...and I hope you can get an apartment closer to your kids. This just brightened my day. Thank you for the uplift Dylan.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/19/09 03:01 PM
Well, never heard from my lovely XW, real nice. It's not very often if at all that I say I NEED to talk to you. Real responsible.

Also concidering the fact that S12 had texted and called just after midnight Monday morning.

And she wonders why I've finally gotten over her. I mean seriously, you screw my life up along with so many others, the least you can do is give me 5 minutes of your precious time to have a conversation, unless that is OM forbeyed it, and if so, we're going to have serious problems in that regard.

Anywho,

Had a GREAT, but confusing night/morning. Went out with friend and her daughter to a concert in the park. Price was right, free and bring your own drinks. Show was pretty decent. This was the same friend's daughter I had consoled about her lacking father last week. Guess who showed up to the show? Her father, after her begging him on the phone for at least 20 minutes, he said he was to busy. Need I mention he lives 4 blocks from where we were.

Miraculously the dirt bag showes up. Albeit stand-offish and barely says anything to her. Ahh, allow me to interviene. After observing him for nearly an hour saying nothing to his daughter but having a great old time with everyone else, I let him have it. Told him to quit being a selfish jack and be a father to his daughter as she is really upset about his lack of presense. Insert a few colorful metaphors to the message and you get the gist. It surely was effective tho, he would not let her out of his sight and attention span for the duration of the night.

And that's where it gets goofy. Co-mingle what I had done, a few drinks, some music and voala, one thing leads to another and friend is, well, rather friendly. Bad part is is that I feel no attachment to the situation, but I think she does. Ugh, I don't need this. She knows where I stand on not wanting any relation right now, so hopefuly that is going through her head right now. Meh, maybe it will just blow over, who knows.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/19/09 11:02 PM
Ok wtf now?

S12 called and wanted to get together, and I had to explain to him that I was already home and with little gas or money so we'd have to do a rain check.

After a while of this, I asked if XW was around to talk for a moment.

She got on the phone all pleasent, we talked about child support issues and financials going down the tube yada yada, then out of nowher she askes if I talk to friend from last night still. I said yes, we talk, hang out on occasions, and I personally don't think that's any of your business. The response? She went ape and on a holy tear filled tangent saying we can't be friends EVER if I can't give her a straight answer.

How more straight could I be? I answered point blank clear.

So dinners with the kids will never happen, we'll never exist on a 'friendly' basis because I feel and know that whatever happens in MY personal life is none of her business?!?!?

Real cute. This game never ends does it? Someone (me in this case) always has to be wrong. And for what? The war is over for pete's sake. I don't get it, I really don't.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/19/09 11:53 PM
SO I take it this is the jealous WAS syndrome?

Edit, so how is it exactly that a WAS justify what they've done when a LBS moves on post tense? I lost that 'arguement' hard core. I just don't understand it, XW leaves me for immediately for OM and now I have to justify what I do with my life on my time? crazy
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 12:06 AM
3 words: Insane Double Standard.
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 12:07 AM
dday.....

If she is doing the MLC dance, which seems a real possibility, trying to apply normal, logical reasoning is a futile effort. Rather, you need to apply three year old reasoning. The world revolves around me, everyone is here to serve me.... I want what I want, and it is the world's problem to give it to me. And I can't do anything wrong, since I'm three, and I'm cute.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 12:11 AM
Heh, the world revolves around her, I can give her no more. I gave her everything. I can make no more sacrafices.

VH, you're right, the moment she exploded claiming I gave her a 'crappy attitude' I went completely logical in my response adn calm at that and she got more and more irrate.

Even more so, she tried to validate the D on me?!?

Umm, all I could say was I starred at that door for 10 long months, but that wasn't enough in her terms.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 01:47 AM
Emotional crash. Want to reach out to XW so bad, but I know I can't do that.

I don't understand this. I don't comprehend.

I've cutt off all emotional attachment to her, I swear. But yet I feel obligated to answer to her stance. Especially after she accuses me of our kids no longer having a full time father.

I know it's all lies and games, but it twists my mind.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 01:56 AM
Hi, I've not read any of your thread but this one post got my attention b/c I can tell by just this "one"....that your most certainly ARE NOT detached b/c if you were.....you would not care what she thought and you wouldn't feel the need to defend yourself. You are probably trying very hard to get there, but it doesn't sound as if you've quite made it. Don't stop trying. I am sure I would be the same way b/c it has always been a "thing" for me to try to defend or justify myself and would be hard to stay quiet. However, "you" know what is true about yourself.....and so does she. It isn't necessary to tell her what she already knows.

Take care,
Sandi
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 02:04 AM
Thanks sandi,

I know I haven't 'made it' yet. It's hard, very hard to to let go completely, you're right. But, although I haven't let go, I take a protective measure for myself and boys in her dealings.

It isn't easy by far, she is the mother of my children, and my life of 12 years, but it is passing, day by day.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 02:58 AM
I am going to read your thread as soon as I get time. Hope I didn't sound like a smart-a$$ in my post. It just reached out and got me! Even though I am from the "other side of the fence", I do truly want to do what I can to help anyone who suffers from the actions of WAW or "almost" a WAW. I'm sure you have seen there are so many here on the board who seem to be in the same story. Isn't it amazing how they sound so much alike when you start reading them? However, each person's pain is their hurt and that makes it different for them. I hope I can talk to you soon.

Take care,
Sandi
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 03:54 AM
Dylan--
Glad you came on here to vent and reach out, and not to her...

It is an ingrained thing you are changing, and it does take time, and it's really, really hard. I actually felt like I was going through withdrawal. The main thing that got me through it was to stop communication altogether - cold turkey. Only email. And, that took months. Now, I am still more comfortable with email, since it is much more difficult for x to push buttons that way. And, as time goes by, I have gotten stronger to resist the pull when he tries to justify all that happened on my head.

I know you want to co-parent. I know that I have been much better at that since going to email-only. You have to find the amount of direct communication with her that is workable - it is different for everyone. And can change as you grow stronger.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 12:36 PM
Hi Sandi,

I take no offense in anything you said, no worries.

And I especially appreciate the input of someone from 'the other side of the fence' as I do not fully understand that view. She really drives me up the wall, but I am getting better in dealing with it. I just can't believe XW had the brass stillto say some of the simply ludicris things she does. And in that, it's even more confusing as one minute she sees the err of her ways, and th next minute goes right back defending them.

Yes, it is absolutely amazing how similar the background off everyone's story is here depite their own uniqueness.

-dday
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 12:46 PM
Donna,

Yeah, I'm patting myself on the back for keeping my cool. It's been a while since we've "argued" as such. That said, and as noted here, our communication had really really been coming around. And then there is this. I leave it up to her to reach out and start things up again on the communication.

Agreed, cold turkey, been there done that when things were conistantly bad and that is my stance now again. Just really bites that that is how she wants it, but that is her choice to live with again. I am done arguing the past. She has always loved to dig dead buried issues and kick them around. I'm done with that. The D is done, she got what she wanted and I didn't. Thus, I am entitled to 're-start' my life and move on. She just seems to have a real issue with the fact that she failed to realize that when you're divorced from someone, you know longer have a say so or right to know every aspect of their life.

Unfortunately, e-mail is not an option as she doesn't have it (at least as far as I know) and even she did, would not work for me as I need to hear or see her emotion to give credit to what is being said.

-dday
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 12:52 PM
So, in hindsight on this event, I find it sad and comical all at the same time.

XW made her infamous statement of me being stuborn and bull-headed. Heh, I guess she forgot she is too and when all the dust cleared, we would laugh at how dang determined we were to have our way. Oddly enough thought, I did not'argue' back. I answered her question of which she stated over and over I didn't and stood my ground quietly and calmly.

Biggest thing in hindsight tho is how and why this conversation happened in the first place coincidently right after spending time with the inquired friend? Either as I've felt before XW is reading my posts here or someone is filtering her information and I have no ties with any of "our" friends anymore. Thus, this is intriguing.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 01:33 PM
OHHHH, I forgot and will have to posts this in the quote thread as well.

For some reason or another XW was trying to make it sound as if her relation with OM wasn't all that serious,

"He has his place and I have mine, he's only here alot because he's my chauffer" (since she doesn't have a license)
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 02:30 PM
So Sandi,

I read in another thread the "jealousy indicates attachment, and the more angerly or negatively that jealousy is displayed the more attached they still are".

So is this XW's way of saying she's still trying to cling on to something (me) despite all she's said and done, and even still while with OM?

She made it a point to articulate during the better part of the converation how much she was looking forward to getting her drivers liscence back as she "feels like a prisoner". Couple that with the statement that OM is her "chauffer". she also tried to downplay their relation, despite the engagement now never being put off in her terms.

And if so, being from your stance, what would be the wrong response from your LBS? I'm currently not giving her a response and darkened communication again. Wrong move? I don't think so, I think if it festers in her head for a while and she has no idea what I'm up to, she'll come back around on her own and try even harder to work at being friends?

It also goes to show, I've changed my ways and not fought back, despite her insisting I did. I opted to terminate the conversation on several occasions.

thanks for any input
-dylan
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 04:49 PM
Great,

A buddy of mine who really helped me keep my head on, well best I could when everything fell apart just texted me that he and his W are having issues and she's acting weird.

Uggh, what is wrong with the world these days? Wasn't Obama supposed to save us? crazy
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 07:08 PM
It's in the water.......DON'T DRINK THE WATER!!!!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 07:57 PM
Originally Posted By: T2SP
It's in the water.......DON'T DRINK THE WATER!!!!!!


LOL, great, that's all I drink all day long. shocked
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 08:18 PM
Do you ever notice all those cargo truck passing through your neighborhood? Did you also notice all the stacks and stacks of huge green pods these vehicles are carrying inside?

Yep. They're here already.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 08:23 PM
Haha, I just referred to the pod people the other day.! laugh
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/20/09 08:25 PM
Well, time to go "home". Sandi I'd still love your take on this.......Or anyone else is just as fine too.

Originally Posted By: dday101798
So Sandi,

I read in another thread the "jealousy indicates attachment, and the more angerly or negatively that jealousy is displayed the more attached they still are".

So is this XW's way of saying she's still trying to cling on to something (me) despite all she's said and done, and even still while with OM?

She made it a point to articulate during the better part of the converation how much she was looking forward to getting her drivers liscence back as she "feels like a prisoner". Couple that with the statement that OM is her "chauffer". she also tried to downplay their relation, despite the engagement now never being put off in her terms.

And if so, being from your stance, what would be the wrong response from your LBS? I'm currently not giving her a response and darkened communication again. Wrong move? I don't think so, I think if it festers in her head for a while and she has no idea what I'm up to, she'll come back around on her own and try even harder to work at being friends?

It also goes to show, I've changed my ways and not fought back, despite her insisting I did. I opted to terminate the conversation on several occasions.

thanks for any input
-dylan
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/21/09 12:34 PM
Well, XW must be working her magic with the kids, no call last night.

Wish she'd keep them out of her personal vendettas with me.

Part I still don't understand is why such emotion. Why should it hurt the person who LEFT me for someone else to be told my life now is none of her business?

OH yeah, as said, "insane double standard".

Whatever, off to the job hunt.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/21/09 04:06 PM
Good luck with the hunting!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/21/09 04:11 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Good luck with the hunting!


Huu-huu, I'd be bwetta off hunting wabbits right now.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/21/09 04:39 PM
hhheeehheeeheeeheeee.....a la Elmer!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/21/09 05:30 PM
You know this makes me think of another thing from taht ill fated conversation.

I mentioned to XW that I may be leaving my job of so long and going elsewhere. She freaked and said there's no way I should give it up.

But I have had this thought the since then, that maybe this place is another reason I keep getting down and am so anxious to do something else. I started this job shortly after we married and to support a family that I now don't have.

Heh, Just a passing thought.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/21/09 06:57 PM
Hey Sandi, you still out there?

I got intruiged trying to figure out what may or may not be going through XW's head these days and tracked down your first thread.

You said shortly after reading and reading some more, there were 4 steps (with you in #3, limbo) and the 4th being committing the actual PA.

Well, obviously my XW has gone the full monty. You also said that when the newness and excitement fade away, the WAS finds themselves right back in the type of R they ran from creating a viscious cycle the would lead to an 'emotional breakdown'.

I know at my times, I have said some nasty undeserving things of my XW in repsonse to things to things she had said/done. I sit here now very disheartened by what has transpired, but I don't hate her. I have always been concerned of her well being regardless. In reading what you said you didn't want to go through after going the distance and making your EA a PA, I feel completely sick to my stomach.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/21/09 07:13 PM
What about it makes you sick to your stomach Dylan?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/21/09 07:17 PM
That that is what it's going to take for her to realize this was not the way and the damamge done and quite frankly, it's too late to do anything about it.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/24/09 02:09 PM
Just checking in.

Taking the day off to finish painting the garage and to save gas for the week, ugh.

Not sure if this is true or not. I got a call from XW's mole who would always show up after XW and I had a blow out. This time, she claimed she got a call from "me" at 3:30 in the morning Saturday. After numerous times of me stating I made no such call, I finally got a voice mail saying XW's brother downloaded some type of software on his blackberry to make it look like the call was coming from my number.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my carrier and unfortunately if it true, it didn't touch my account so they can't get a device id to track.

Finally heard from boys yesterday, they were downstate at 'the new house'. S11 sounded miserable to be there. I don't get it, if they are staying here in school, why are they there every waking minute?

I certainly do not like them making that trip in OM's pos car, but nothing I can do about that.

XW did have S12 do her dirty work once again wanting to 'swap' for Labor day weekend sighting her 'party'. Of course I said no, and she went on a tangent in the background. I do not feel I should accomodate her and OM to go out and have fun, sorry ain't happeneing.

I did get a thought of maybe if I got the rest of my belongings back, I'd be a bit inclined, but didn't pass the notion along.

When S11 called me for the 2nd time of the day XW was in the background as usual, he asked 'do you want to talk to mom?', I said no, not neccessairily and said my goodbyes.

On a nother note, got a confirmation on one of the jobs I applied for last week so that is good news. Pay is the same I make now, but offering overtime, a thing I haven't seen in 6 years and could really use right about now.

well, off to pain some more.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/24/09 03:05 PM
Quote:
well, off to pain some more.


Freudian slip?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/25/09 01:03 PM
lol, yeah, I'm in pain now, but I was off to paint.

No updates, got a call from S12 last night, same old ordeal, "mom wants to know why you won't switch with her" jazz. Now she's one uping it by making statements that :I obviously must not like seeing my kids since I won't switch". I of course assured my sons that I want to see them every day and they know that.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/25/09 01:15 PM
One side thought I just had posting in another thread.

I hope XW is full on enjoying her slug in OM. Everytime I talked to the boys she was doing stuff (choirs, yard work) she's never done before or just didn't care to do and OM? watching tv.

hehe, good choice hun.
Posted By: still.struggling Re: Newbie (again) - 08/25/09 01:53 PM
Don't you love how they try to twist things? If you don't switch then it means you don't want to see them. That is ridiculous. You know they are not thinking that, she is telling them that.

Good luck on the job hunt and the painting. I hate painting. I'll hire you to come paint my house. smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/25/09 02:12 PM
Yeah, painting is all done and came out nice (I call it cute) although requiring way more coats than I anticipated, but done just in time none the less. Ironically it came out nearly the same as the garage at our first house. crazy But at least my cousin is now happy with it and it's one more thing off "the list". laugh

It got my mind off a lot of lurking issues and felt nice to do something productive that is openly visable to everyone.

I am not concerned with what XW tries to pump into their heads about me. I wasted too much time and energy on that during the divorce. They know it's not true. And fact of the matter is it's a holiday weekend and matter of fact I just checked the parenting agreement and guess what, either way, the are with her this year. Plus I already had plans for half the weekend and now the rest is starting to fill in. And lastly, I stnad my ground, I am not her personal 'baby-sitter' to go out and have fun with OM. Maybe she can pay her chauffer to stay home and take care of them smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/25/09 05:39 PM
In retrospect, I really chuckle at how childishly XW threw a temper tantrum over it in the background, kind of enjoined being a thorn in her side.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/26/09 12:33 PM
Well, something's going on again at XW's, not sure what. S12 started calling (cell phone & house phone numerous times in a row) just as I was finishing making dinner so of course I had my hands full and told him I'd call back.

1/2 hour later in the middle of dinner, he calls back, again numerous times.

So when dinner was done I called him. Every other sentence he kept asking when I was moving back, how much money do I have. I still can't find the words for him to understand that it's not that simple, and I am broker than broke, hell I don't even know if I can afford a full support payment this Friday, let alone how much I'll have for the remaining 2 weeks. I asked my sister if she could write me a check and I write her one back to stop my overdraft fees from racking up. No reply. I don't even want to look at my account.

It was disturbingly quiet in the background there. S12 was hiding in bedroom to talk to me, I only heard XW once come in and check up on him. Just have a weird gut feeling. When he acted like this a few weeks ago, XW was not too far behind to act all 'buddy-buddy'. I can only imagine the level of screaming and fighting I would have endured from her for not doing anything but sitting on my butt while she did all the work, let alone the craziness of the fact of how and why they are together? That's got to be interesting.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/26/09 06:21 PM
Whew,

Looks like I might make it to payday with "moderate" damage from the bank, mostly to the tune of the $260 towing I had not anticipated. They made it sound as if I was going to get slammed $15 for every source of overdraft, instead they charging $15 for everyday in overdraft, still a loss of money, but I can live with that, then recover in couple of weeks barring any more surprises.

Finding it harder and harder though to stray from this area of the boards, just don't have the compassion anymore to 'assist' those going through the steps anymore. Bad thing? For some reason I feel the other way around.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/26/09 07:01 PM
Wow! You're getting off cheap! My bank overdraft fee is $35 PER TRANSACTION! I can usually get round it, but not always. frown
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/26/09 07:23 PM
No, I was already hit with that per transaction, now it's an extended overdraft that I thought was going to be the same ordeal. Not used to this stuff, never happened to me before.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/26/09 07:46 PM
Whoa,

Ok, so I guess I side result of all this is I am all the sudden much more assertive to stand my ground versus the way I was which was 'passive aggressive' as XW would put it.

I'm out on my break having a cigarette which now we have to leave the campus to smoke, and anybody who knows the West Side of Chicago, is a taking your life into your own hands ordeal.

So I'm puffing away and minding my own business and this guy comes from around the corner:

"Hey man, let me buy a smoke off you"
Sorry I only I brought one down
"C'mon man, I'm dying for a smoke"
[firmer toned]I don't have another one
"Alright, I'll give you a quarter and smoke it with you"
[firmer yet]I don't think so!
"C'mon dude, I'm paying you and want to smoke!"
[blasted]NO!!!

Look on his face was priceless as he literally jumped back, then walked away mumbling something, constantly looking back at me.

I've never been known as the confrontational type outside of my own 'secure zones'.

Heh, felt kind of good, real good actually. laugh
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/26/09 08:12 PM
Quote:
Finding it harder and harder though to stray from this area of the boards, just don't have the compassion anymore to 'assist' those going through the steps anymore. Bad thing? For some reason I feel the other way around.


I understand that sentiment. I find it nearly impossible not to say "Run! Run for your life!!!"
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/26/09 08:23 PM
No, not in that sense. I just don't feel it's "good" for me right now to read through other's stories that are currently going on that are so similar to what I've lived through and the mistakes I made that could have had a completely different effect on things. Irregardless, I knew the D was going to happen so, I don't know, I just odn't feel right doing it anymore.

I don't know, I feel at my highest state of acceptance of the situation. If I could just get financially stable, I so want to get out on my own, once and for all.

Worst part is I just received a e-mail from a distant friend of mine saying his W stopped taking her meds that keep her emotionaly balanced during her monthly cycle, and she flipped out on him and proclaimed she wanted a D and started negotiating custody and all.

Really hit home. So, I'll give him my full on attention. He does have one heck of a temper on him and has been really stressed with work issues, so as any DB'r would suggest, take a long look at yourself, RIGHT NOW, before this gets any worse.
Posted By: kat727 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/26/09 08:35 PM
Though it certainly isn't a requirement, it seems as if the people that have been there help pull the newbie's through the process. If it isn't that it is a core group of friends that bond together and ride it out(thanks, lodo, Karen and gforce). We all may not come to the same place at the same time, and that is fine too.

Don't beat yourself up over it. If you want to later you can and just think of yourself as paying it forward. But really if you can't there isn't anyone out there keeping score. Just be good to yourself first or you can't help anyone.

kat
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/27/09 12:42 PM
I think it's just I need to take a break from it for a while, it's kind of "picking at the scabs" of wounds that are finally healing.

That said...

S12 is still on a tirade to have me "move home" and it's starting to take it's toll. My lord, my cell phone is messed up again and not holding a charge. S12 called my phone at least 3 times as well as the house phone again before I got home last night.

And of all things with exactly one week before school starts, XW has taken no initative to get them in the routine of getting to bed at set times yet. She sure was letting somebody have it last night tho. No idea what about.

On a side note, had a nice chuckle driving to work adn it is pouring buckets rain now for the second day in a row. I hope X-FIL is having a blast keeping water out the basement at 'our house' as I know it's a losing battle at this point since no-one's probably checked on the sump pumps this season. laugh
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/27/09 03:14 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
I think it's just I need to take a break from it for a while, it's kind of "picking at the scabs" of wounds that are finally healing.


Well, that notion didn't last long, back to sharing my two cents, eh well. crazy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/27/09 04:37 PM
Gosh darn it!

Responded to a thread that as usual sounded so similar to what I went through. The LBS had no choice but to protect his kids from the A and file for D but had been hopeful (as usual) that things would pan out.

So that got me to thinking of XW's new comments that the D is 'all my fault' because she wanted to drag it along "to think". I know it's a bunch of b/s because how can you think when you live with someone else, but still, makes me wonder of all the things I could have done differently and if the outcome would have still been the same. Probably, the M went completely toxic when she moved in with him in her father's house and her father said nothing of it.

The hindsight 20/20 is this was all planned out a long time ago with many conspirators. A lot of stuff still does not make any sense what so ever.

Guess that was just a random thought posting before I went and did something stupid like text her or anything, of which I have been stone cold on communicating with her. Tomorrow ought to be interesting when I pick up the kids. We haven't spoken at all since her blow up last Tuesday. And since I refuse to swap weekends with her sighting I have plans of my own, she'll want to know those plane of which is none of her business and will just rekindle her fire on the matter.

hehe, can't wait.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/28/09 03:04 AM
I want my car fixed
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/28/09 12:58 PM
Originally Posted By: bearsfan45
I want my car fixed


Everybody, be calm, this is a hijacking!

lol laugh
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/28/09 04:37 PM
You know, I'm becomming of the notion that being 'friends' may just not be possible for me and XW. I've been thinking of poetnetial reactions to make to situations and statements that may be made tonight. Intitially so I wouldn't open my big yap and piss her off again as the last we spoke almost 2 weeks ago now.

I don't know, through renewed silence, I more at peace with things. I guess as always, I was analyzing everything she'd say for a 'sliver of hope'. I haven't seen hardly any success stories of M that ended in D and everything all worked out in the end.

I think it's best to keep conversation if any short and to the point and not be an a-hole or anything, but carry the attitude that 'you say we can't be friends if you don't know every aspect of my life which I find ludicris after you told me you don't care about my life anymore when you divorced me'.

Think I'm gonna go bang my head into a brick wall for bit.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/28/09 05:35 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
You know, I'm becomming of the notion that being 'friends' may just not be possible for me and XW.
Maybe. She hasn't been very friendly to you from what it sounds. Let her be pissed off. You have plans and you don't have to change them for her. You don't and shouldn't tell her what they are. None of her business. Be brief & polite and as my friend Kat told me, treat her like the mailman. Karen
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/28/09 06:11 PM
Well no sooner than I "give up" I stumble upon a thread from a WAW and her sitch and it breathed hope back into things.

But you are right Karen, I have and have no intention to tell her at all any of my plans, they are mine and mine alone.
Posted By: Dia Re: Newbie (again) - 08/29/09 02:35 AM
Hi, there, dday,

I'm glad you're finding stuff to chew on in my sitch. Conversely, if you'd even consider taking your W back after D, well - that gives me hope, too.

Cheers,

Dia
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/31/09 04:57 PM
Hi Dia, thanks for stopping by. smile

Reading your story certainly gave me hope, and also brought me to a realization: the tables have turned and now XW finds herself the LBS, me the WAS.

My XW has done pretty horrific things to me during the course of the D. And yes, I would have taken her back, even post D. (in conversation even my kids knew that)

But, now? Well an update.

First and foremost, upon picking the kids Friday, I had opened the rear hatch of truck and noticed XW had stepped up behind me, I turned to give her "her" check and she looked like a PO'd stadium bull flaring at the nostrels. Never said one word to each other and that was the only time I looked at her for the whole 2 minutes she was there before storming off to the backyard.

Later on after dinner, THE UNFORGIVABLE. Myself, cousin and S11 set up a firepit and were roasting marshmellows. S12 wasn't to up on the idea an dI was curios. We started to talk about going to the zoo the next day and I said S12 was hairy like a monkey, they may try to keep him. S11 says, "we'll isn't he hairy because his REAL DAD is Italian?".

[insert image of nuclear warhead detonating]

Apparently, XW and OM are on the 'call OM dad' kick again. S11 put him in check and told him that he already has a dad. S12 however they are coaxing that since he "already has 2 dads, why not a third?".

She is absolutley right, we can not be friends.

Further more S11 said he "does not want to move downstate next year". I said he won't unless it's over my dead lifeless body, I have every say so in where they go, where they live and where they go to school. And if that's the plan, we will be back in court to get it straight. He said he already knew we are going back to court, "Mom's been planning it for a while".

There are quite a few things that flew around, but this is most prevelant.

Thus, that was 'probably' the last nail in the coffen. Dia, I'm not going to sit here and say that I would never take her back, but, a transformation has been officially made and I am no longer a LBS..........

XW is.
Posted By: Dia Re: Newbie (again) - 08/31/09 05:06 PM
Ugh, Dday - sorry to hear all of that. The big diff for me and my H is that we were never, ever nasty to each other. Yes, now I'm the LBS, and yes, sometime I wonder if he's doing some of his withholding and a few other little things to 'punish' me, get revenge or if he's doing them just because it's something that I did.

Example: When I was feeling all lost and the pain of the R was so bad that I wasn't sure if I loved him, he would say "I love you" clearly wanting to hear it back. I would say "Thank you" instead, but say it sincerely.

I have said ILY once to him in the past few weeks. Wanna guess what he said?

Thank you.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/31/09 05:43 PM
Well, the bottome line is, it's no longer my place to sit a relish the past. If XW wants to 'fix' things, it's her job now more than ever.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 08/31/09 08:38 PM
Hindsight in posting to others, the most refreshing thing of my talks with my sons this weekend and time spent with family the same, everyone knows I did all I could. I endured every stab and stayed content for more, to get my family back together and the love of a woman that is quite apparent no longer exists.

Even my son said to me, dad, you deserve to be happy now, I don't blame you for letting go. smirk

So, who knows, only time will tell if this is the slap in the face XW needed or not. I'm done with having inflicted upon and dealt from within, the pain of this whole ordeal.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/01/09 05:53 PM
You know, in posting around again, I still have one unanswered question:

My XW has never given me the ILYBINILWY ordeal. Every time we get back on good speaking terms, XW is quick to drop in that she still has has strong feelings, and times, admitted still 'loves me'.

Why?

A baiting? Attempt to reel me back in?

I never give her a response at any time, just 'read' her eyes and knew she was telling the truth.

Not that it has any bearing on my descision to just finally let this fish complete her jump from the boiling pot to the frying pan.

I've just always been curious about that. Sandi, Dia, any thoughts?

Also, her b-day is coming up on the 14th. I'm of the inclination to not do anything at all given our current disposition. Last year when (althought things were markedly bad) I took the boys to get her a "joint gift" of a jewelry set that the boys really liked for her, she rejected saying it came from me and does not want anything from me. But yet, when I gave her that James Dean poster I just couldn't pass up a few weeks ago, she lit up like airplane coming in for landing.

So I guess that's the second question, do I bother? I'm certantly not and do not want it to come off as persuing, so maybe it's best I just leave it alone?
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/01/09 09:49 PM
My guess, and purely a guess b/c who knows exactly how WAS minds work, but that she kind of wants/expects for you to sit on a shelf and not move on and get involved with others. I don't understand exactly why that is, but I've seen lots of WAS get really upset when the LBS, even after Ding them, starts dating. Yoyo is going through that now, and I've seen this over and over.

What i think re: the gifting is you should get a joint gift from your boys. It's what a good parent does. I use money the kids earn from chores to buy, so usually an inexpensive gift, but something the kids pick out and want to get. I have both kids make handmade cards too. I can't imagine a parent rejecting that! Karen
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/02/09 02:17 PM
Thanks Karen, on both accords.

I fully expect XW to continue to carry on with her ludicris behavior as I continue on with my life. Keep saying, sad, but comical. It infuriated her when I told her, you divorced me, I don't answer to you anymore, you clearly demonstrate you don't want me anymore and set me free. This chapter is just getting started and should be interesting at best when completed.

On the gift, I like that. I did the same for Mother's Day, so I guess I shall do the same in this instance.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/02/09 02:26 PM
So, XW got a nice kick in the gut from me this morning (and I think OM crapped his pants)

With today being the first day of school and I was uncertain about wether or not open house was tonight, I tried calling and texting her and the boys last night to firm up and wish them a great first day.

No replies. Oddly enough, I was at a 'friends' last night. I guess we might as well say a FWB? I've made it clear that the realtion is what it is, no more no less. Every time I stop by there, XW acts up. Curious to know how she knows I'm there?

So anyway. Since I didn't talk to them and was but 20 minutes away, I opted to just surprise them and 'intercept' them at school.

No sooner thatn I pulled up and got out of my car, her comes OM driving up the street, sees me and upon literally pushing the boys out the car door, takes off. How nice. First day of school and their mother can't even escort them? Kids seemed to have a 'rehearsed' explination that XW "dropped her phone in the toilet or tub", yeah ok, never got the same answer twice an dI can read S11 like a book and that is not the truth.

None the less, they were estatic that I was there. Made my day and theirs and I'm doing a little 'happy dance' now for 2 hours.

See NCB, if your reading this, it's the little things that show your love and affection to your kids, and assures them that although things are messed up, they still have both parents in their lives at all times. laugh

Edit, I forgot to say that I would have love to have been a fly on the wall when OM reported back that I was there to XW. I'll bet she felt like crap.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 09/02/09 04:58 PM
Good to hear, Dday.

Quote:
See NCB, if your reading this, it's the little things that show your love and affection to your kids, and assures them that although things are messed up, they still have both parents in their lives at all times.


I know you're right. As long as xW doesn't manage to somehow bar me from parenting my sons, they should be fine.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/02/09 05:31 PM
She can NEVER do that, NEVER. You are every bit as much as parent to them than she.

And I will go staight out and say, when you were together, your parenting techniques differed, right? Well, it certantly won't be any different now.

It may take your sons a while to get used to, but they will know where they are and who is in charge when they are.

My boys are night and day from when they are with Xw and when they are with me. Night and day.

They completely walk all over XW. As I've said it gets hard not to intervine with their talking back, swearing, and poor attitude with XW, very hard. But when they are with me, I get none of the above, and on the rare occasion one does act up, it doesn't last very long.

Heh, every so often XW gets so erked, "you're total angels for your father, but treat me like......" Well hon, that's the enviornment you provide.

I think you need to take a breather from kid issues, sounds like it's bringing you down.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/02/09 06:10 PM
God I feel like such a goof.

After having to call in and say I'd be running late for work and the reason why, I obviously had to share my story upon arrival.

Let alone, the smiles on my boys faces was enough to put me on cloud nine and let me know without saying that I really do have a positive influence in their lives regardless the situation. But everyone I bump into has given praise and compliment, one person from another department even dubbed me 'superdad'.

I was about ready to burst in tears, but tears of joy.

Ahh, reveling a sappy moment. blush

EDIT- seeing the reaction around here, I'd really love to know how deep XW's stomache sank to know I was there, and she, the costodial parent was not.
Posted By: kat727 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/02/09 06:19 PM
I think it would depend if she is still in her fog or not. Situations that would upset a normal person have seemingly no effect on ex. He is so wrapped up in his fog that he can't see his hand in front of him.

I hope she feels it and knows that she is letting her kids down because that might be the thing to get her to change her behavior.

kat
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/02/09 06:43 PM
Originally Posted By: kat727
I hope she feels it and knows that she is letting her kids down because that might be the thing to get her to change her behavior.

kat


Well, knowing the trends of my darling ex, she has not called or texted. If she was still in 'the fog' she would have, just to find something in it to fight about. The silence, says she knows.

EDIT, scary part is, I (we've) had a great weekend and now this and I feel so damn good. Have to keep an eye out for the next bombshell she'll send my way, I forgot, NOT allowed to be happy, oh yeah, that was when I was left behind, so nevermind. laugh

But no doubt something will be chucked my way soon enouhg
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 09/02/09 09:35 PM
Quote:
I think you need to take a breather from kid issues, sounds like it's bringing you down.


The kid issues are fine -- it's the ex-spouse issues that do affect me, but not like they used to.

My exW is the poster child for people damaged by their own parents' divorce. Much to my never ending chagrin, I watched my spouse change almost overnight from someone who despised how her own mother abandoned her family and three different husbands into someone who not only embraced this wayward parent but also eagerly accepting her kool-aid regarding the "virtues" of D. xW has become a carbon-copy of the very person she had begged me to never let her become like. She has always loved her mother (much to her credit), but until just before the bomb, xW has always expressed great disappointment and hurt from MIL's utter selfishness.

I am saying this for two reason. One is that my xW tries very hard to convince herself and others that our D was necessary for her "happiness" and her very survival -- and the corollary is that her H (me) was not only a hindrance to these goals, but wholly unnecessary for parenting our kids. She now buys into MIL's long-standing sentiment that husbands and fathers are totally unnecessary. Two, this all means that my xW really does have delusions that her life and the life of our S's would be all the more better with me out of the picture.

Now I am not saying I buy into this insanity. Quite the contrary. I know she can never do that.

But I do have to keep these things in mind as I can never really trust xW or her ulterior motives. As long as she is still dating OM she will continue to have her fantasies about getting me out of the picture -- I know her enough to know that's precisely how she thinks. This exactly matches MIL's own MO and history.

But I am sorry if I seem so down all the time about this. I know I always seem too intensely fixed on this, but it's like having a rattlesnake coiled up in the middle of your living room -- you really don't want to take your eyes off of it even if it is not rattling at the moment.

The positive part of this it is training me to be both more patient and more diligent. I'm learning to be a snake-handler. LOL.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 09/03/09 01:56 AM
Quote:
I know she can never do that.


(I need to clarify this -- I meant to say that I know that xW can never take my S's away from me.)
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/03/09 01:17 PM
Hey NCB,

As a WAW posted in another thread, W will do everything in her power to make you look so horrid and wretched to make te presence of OM seem like a right fit and be 'acceptable' to everyone.

Keep learning how to 'snake handle'.

In time as I've said, your sons will come around on their own and their cries for their father will drive W insane, I'm seeing this in my own sitch, thus no it to be true. I truly believe that now the D is done and things are what they are and our kids are upset about it, XW finally got the slap in the face from reality that I had told her would come upon her some day. Sad part is, she's done so much damage, so much re-writing history and painting me as the horrid wretch of a H, I know I for one couldn't think of a way to undo.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/03/09 01:26 PM
Ohhh, what a night.

Met up with a new friend at my favorite local bar and grill in the hometown. Had a GREAT time, some serious GAL'ing. As a fellow divorcee we obviously had lots to talk about. Conversation could have gone on all night long, thanfully it ended when it did becasue I was trash by the time I got home, lol.

All in all, good end to a great day.

Funny thing, we went out for a smoke break and low and behold ex-BIL and his little pose was standing there. Upon noting it, friend and I got a talkative about him and might have been a bit loud I guess as ex-BIL and pose disappeared rather quickly. Eh, that's alright, I'm sure just like OM in the morning he went reporting back to XW where I was and who I was with. Actually, must have because not too long after they disappeared I got a call from XW, declined it of course. EDIT- and I know it wasn't my boys becasue they would leave a message and continually call until I answer or call back.

So, life just keeps trucking on, head up high (although extremely heavy at the moment, lol) and not looking back. New friend was so adiment to say if XW came crawling back I'd take her in a heart beat. For once I was able to truly able to state my position in this now and say no, SHE has to win ME back.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/03/09 07:30 PM
Oh! Good post! Especially the last sentence.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/03/09 07:37 PM
Well lookie who rose from the land of the lost!
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/04/09 01:27 AM
Oh, that's funny...Yeah, i was walking along and munching on a hot wing and lo and behold, look what I stumbled upon: A DB board!! I will have to leave a trail of crumbs and wing legs next time I stray off so I don't get lost again.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 09/04/09 02:09 AM
Quote:
New friend


Hmmm, I didn't quite catch the gender of your new D'ed friend. If this person happens to be of the "female variety" then I'd say your ex-BIL certainly has something to report back to your xW. Wouldn't that be interesting, huh? LOL.

I am realizing I need to hang out more with some of my buddies (same gender, that is, to keep me sane, if ya' KWIM) -- my GAL activities have slacked off considerably this Summer. All of us DB'ers need to do that, hang out with our peers more, if we're not already. College sports are starting to crank up...
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/04/09 01:19 PM
No NCB, this was of the 'male variety', lol. EDIT, but that should be even more intriguing to XW as she 'weeded out' all my male friends.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to post or extent I can of anything. I may be just simply paranoid, but I strongly feel a lingering conspiracy against me. XW always seems to know certain things, places I go, things I do and when and with who that don't add up. Not that I really care, but a whole different situation blew out of proportion last night when I was expecting an issue with XW. It wasnt' with her, but it felt as though she was behind it.

So, go figure, spend a couple days on cloud nine and folks have a issue, wtf, why can't I be HAPPY for once? I have to now cut back all my plans for the holiday weekend just to sit and be a mope? Well, I'm certainly not going to bow to that level, I will find some way some how to still have a good time, maybe repair my bike and hit the trails a bit. But something needs to change here, I spend months in life's crapper being told to get out and move on with life, the hell with XW, then all the sudden, the very same voices say, oh no, you can't do that, it's not good for you, wtf? crazy

I don't know, I'm back to the drawing board on restarting life, and re-evaluating my goals and steps that they can be achieved. And people are jsut going to have to realize, dday is BACK version 2.0, he grew balls and is rock'n to Twisted Sister and "Ain't gonna take it anymore".
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/04/09 04:29 PM
Quote:
And people are jsut going to have to realize, dday is BACK version 2.0, he grew balls and is rock'n to Twisted Sister and "Ain't gonna take it anymore".


Better than Theory of a Deadman's Hate My Life . Although that song cracks me up!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/08/09 01:25 AM
So how was your weekend Dylan?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/08/09 03:20 AM
Ohhhhh, Mish, that song rocked my weekend, sad to say, but it did, that you soooooooooo much!

I had a great weekend, minus a Terrible nightmare I had of my kids that was so vived, I woke up screaming (I think).

Other than that, I rocked with not 1 but 2 bands, fireworks, tons of brews, cool crews, and didn't pay attention to the news.

All good.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/08/09 03:53 AM
Glad you liked the song! Have you heard Nickelback's Burn It To The Ground ? Party song all the way!!!

Glad you had some fun this weekend!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/08/09 03:59 AM
OH MY GOD!,

I think I just blew out at leat 2 speakers cranking that!!!!!

Mish, you rock!

Loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/08/09 12:55 PM
uggh, happy hangover day everyone.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/08/09 02:01 PM
So anywho.....

Didn't see or hear from the boys since seeing them off to school last Wednesday, unitl yesterday afternoon. They were at the 'new' house in loserville. Still trying to figure out why they spend so much time there. S12 informed me that they now have the cable hooked up and he has it in 'his' room. Kept asking me when I was going to come see "their new house". Arrgh, I guess I'll have to eventually 'talk' with XW again about what her intent is down there. I'll probably just get the old "I don't know what I'm doing just yet" speech.

So, I made some really kick butt ribs yesterday and had 2 full slabs left. Made the cardinal no-no and texted XW that I had some left and if she would be willing to re-heat them for the boys should I drop some off. She responded shocked shocker, said yeah she could, but is 'working' until 6 tonight. Funny, when we were on speaking terms she would always complain she has no hours at work? crazy

So shortly after her final text of what time she'd be around, phone rings, but I was busy cleaning up the yard from the day. Then she texts again asking me to call her and needs money TODAY for school pictures. Well, I just texted back the sad reality of things that I have $4 left to my name until Friday and that was the last I heard from her.

That said, there must have be something else going on. Especially when it comes down to money issues, she normaly has S12 do her dirty work and call me while she coaches him in the background. I guess only time will tell. Of course she's probably pissed now because I have zero cash to shell out and I specificaly told her that I need to know about these types of things well in advance so that I can budget accordingly.

At any rate, I have a weird feeling she's reaching out for something else as well? crazy Guess she went out and ditched the kids at our old house to go 'party'. Nice. But then again, when she gets in party mode, her and OM always get into a tiff. So that followed up by 2 days of him sitting around on his arse down there probably has her in a fantastic mood, not my problem.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/08/09 10:57 PM
Glad you enjoyed the song! Yeah, I nearly blew out the speakers in my car today with that one. I'm sure the drivers around me were perplexed as to why this seemingly 'normal' nearly 40 year old woman is rockin' like that. Yeah.....soccer mom on the outside, wild child on the inside! smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/09/09 12:41 PM
hehe, I REFUSE to grow up. laugh

When I went to a concert on Satruday night, I think I was more into the show then anybody half my age there. I know some were looking at me like some sort of whack job, but hey, i don't care, I ahd fun and blew off a lot of steam. I deserve it.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/09/09 02:43 PM
So...

Helping out a LBS in his sitch and helpin gdeal with anger and frustration issues sparked me to go back and review some of my older threads.

One imparticular I was just reading was from the period days after our 10th anniversary and how well we were communicating and that maybe, just maybe there was a chance. Everyother conversation with XW always included her wanting to be friends with the underlying intent of potentially reviving the R. But I was steadfast to hold my ground that there is no way in the world I could do that so long as she was with OM. And, I still do to this very day.

Makes me question, did I 'kill' our M? Why could we talk so well then, even if it was up and down, versus now? I was half tempted to send her a text immediately to that extent. But then it hit, nah, it wouldn't matter, the end was written a long time ago. Her stated desires were merely game play to stiring me along.

I don't know, maybe it's the fact of her b-day next Monday. I always tried to put on a awsome party for her with all her friends and something always went wrong. Maybe it's what would be our 11th anniversary in just over a month. Maybe it's those gloomy uncertain eyes everytime I see her. Or, maybe it's the voice in the back of my head I need to tell to STFU and go away. crazy

Going to keep my sanity.
Posted By: kat727 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/09/09 03:13 PM
I think everyone looks back to see if there might have been a time when things may have ended up differently if we had done such and such instead. Really, it may not have mattered at all because our spouses were already off into fanatasy land. It is kind of like dangling a carrot, they kept us a round enough until they knew they could leap safely to the next ship.

Don't beat yourself up, you tried. As for your friend, have him focus on making him feel good about himself. Get involved in activities he enjoys but maybe stopped doing for various reasons. You never know who will be able to save the relationship. We just have to give it a try.

kat
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/10/09 01:34 PM
Heh, really don't know where to start this, seems just like last week where everybody here was having issues of ludicris jealousy from their X's, this week it's issues with the kids and I got mine.

So, after dinner last night and getting laundry started for the first time in weeks (I've been slacking a bit while keeping my PMA going), I sit down outside for a bit and get a phone call from a friend, but really didn't feel like talking at the moment. Let it go to voice mail and as I'm checking the message, I get a call from XW's number. Me being technically challanged in this area kept hitting 'accept' but it didn't work. crazy

So, I get a voice mail from S11 begging me to please call him back. I do immediately as he rarely ever calls me. No answer, leave a message returning his call, then he calls back. Long story short, of the 45 minute conversation we had the bulk was regarding how unhappy he says he is living with XW, is treated unfairly, blamed for everything S12 does, never gets a say-so in activities they do, hates being there and especially at the 'new house' downstate, and the list could go on.

The things that really got me going:

He's already doing poorly in school and is getting in trouble for not keeping up with assignments, bringing things home for signatures and the like. Then, he begs me to please come get him and let him stay with me for 2 - 3 weeks so he can get into the managed routine I always kept him up on. That shocked the sh!t out of me as everyone used to say that I was 'overly hard' on him to keep his schooling in check. Even I admit, at times it was grooling, but he needed it, otherwise he'd be a D student at best.

Then, as we talked a bit about his gripes of living with XW, the bomb, XW is renigging on our previous agreement that since I couldn't establish a arrangement for them for our summer visitation I could use a week in the fall and/or spring to actually go somewhere for once. And that XW doesn't believe I'll take her back to court for 'whatever reason', and that he wishes we would go back to court to get him out of there.

I honestly don't know what to do. Then, XW in the background barks at him to "get his a-- in the shower", he angerly growled at her "I'm talking to my dad", then she did the same to S12, and he said "no, you get your a-- in the shower" shocked

She has clearly lost all control of them. I had to coax S11 to do as his mother "asked" as it was getting kind of late, then he tells me that S12 was trying to yank the phone away from him and I hear S12 called him a f'n f@G-ot. Oh hell no, I got on with S12 and set him straight, I shouldn't have as it's XW's house and XW needs to regain control, but that is just unacceptable.

After Xw's phone cut out, I am very proud of the job I did to not text her of my displeasure, supposidly she wanted to speak about some of S11's comments, but I told both boys each time that I had nothing to say to her at this point in time as I knew it would not have gone well.

For some odd reason I woke up in a great mood today, hell even hand jive'n to the Bee-Gee's on the way in to work. I do have a feeling something very good is going to happen today, not sure what. Heck, opened my e-mail to yet another "sorry we don't have a position that matches your qualifications". But I feel great crazy Maybe because it's becoming apparent now more than ever that soon, rather than later, the boys are finally going to work together and revoult against XW and the custody will be reversed smile I don't see how she's keeping together after seeing and hearing the things to date.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/10/09 03:34 PM
Well, some good news:

The parenting agreement can be terminated at any time.

If both parties agree a modification is neccessary, it's a matter of submitting affidavits for the judge to decide the terms set forth warrant a change that will be in the child's best interest.

If both parties do not agree, the matter will be brought forth for hearing for the judge to decide the child's best interest up to and including interviewing the child as to the child's wish of whom to have custody in their best interest. (which is where we were at when I "threw in the towel" to avoid).
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/10/09 04:12 PM
Interesting.....and what are you thinking of doing?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/10/09 04:24 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Interesting.....and what are you thinking of doing?


Honestly, nothing at this point. After seeing and hearing the type of atmosphere there and the beatings the boys are dealing upon XW, I couldn't see this going on for far too long. I mean I could not believe my ears. When I pick them up, they mouthy and disobediant with her. The moment I remind them not to even think about trying that type behavior with me, they pretty much instantly snap to shape.

The only time I ever see them function 'happily' with XW is when I drop them off.

That said, if both boys are airing their desire to live with me now as much as they do, I can only imagine how much XW hears it, let alone how it's being said shocked , and it has to get to the core of the person within her that used to care.

I never understood it in the first place anyway. If she is hell bent to party all the time, why would you want the kids full time? For what a support paycheck? Puhleeze. And I told her since get go one, if you divorce me, fine, go off and live your life how you see fit, I will take care of the boys, and I don't want ONE CENT from you.

So unless they are having issues with OM, I will just let the way she runs things wear her down until she cracks, calls me up and says come get these kids they're driving me nuts. (as I figured would happen all along)
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/11/09 02:22 PM
uggh, another one of 'those' nights, can't even remember going to bed, lol, but I work hard to play hard and desirve it every now and then, just the aftermath I could do with out. smile

Anyway, got my usual rehersed Thursday night call from S12, "what time are coming to pick us up". Same time as always, 6pm. Hence, XW can wait til first thing Saturday morning to cash the check as always.

Going to try and keep my best distance as possible from her, as I tell the kids when they start to bicker, if don't have anything nice to say, then say nothing at all. I'm not very happy with her as she up to something, probably the downstate move. Heck at this point, I could care less about her b-day. Friends recognize each other's special days, and at this moment in time I certainly don't regard her as a friend. Besides, she the one who said she doesn't want to be friends since I don't devulge every aspect of what goes on behind the closed door of my life she walked out of in the first place. Whatever.

Trying to persuade the kids to go to the local grill for the fish fry tonight. It's going to be a fantastic evening to sit out and eat (and not many left). Then tomorrow the a festival that will have a band from last weekend that just rocked, so, figure we'll hop the train and give S12 his train fix (he's a fanatic for trains). Then I guess for now Sunday will be a lazy day. Since the final race of the 'normal season' is on tomorrow night, I'll just record it and we'll watch that on Sunday, minus commercials and lenghty caution laps. smile

Uggh, I just know XW is gonna be in one of her moods. That's fine, she waste all the energy she wants on being bitter, suck it up hon, welcome to your life. cool
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 09/11/09 05:36 PM
Hey dday, You seems to be handling all this quite well - bravo! Keep ducking & dodging the bullets from the xw. And of course enjoy your weekend w/your boys!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/11/09 05:45 PM
Thanks MsM!

It certainly took long enough, but I finally pay no mind to anything a clearly lost person does anymore. I finaly got my closure with her, so no sense in carrying on nonsense. crazy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 01:20 PM
Someone please pull me out of this slime pit known as my life!

Just when I thought she couldn't go any lower or bring me down, I think I'm the worst I 've ever been.

My kids HATE it there, I spent an hour and twnty minutes with S12 balling his head off bexause XW makes it clearer than ever he's adopted, how f'n low is that?!? I love that kid sooo much, it's not even fair to my own flesh and blood how much I put him first.

I can't believe I let her beat me again.

Please, I need encouragement here.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 01:38 PM
Ok, wait a minute.....hold the phone......

You adopted S12, right? That gives you every legal right to him. What is it exactly that she is throwing at him? Adoption, in my opinion, is the ultimate in showing love to a child. Biological children are sometimes 'oops'....adopted children were chosen!

Exactly how is she beating you?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 01:52 PM
I have EVERY legal right to him. Her first H threw that poor kid at 8 weeks old into a wall and messed him up for life. As far as the court (and my entire family for that matter) is concerned, I AM his father.

But, in her twisted reality, I 'm not even sure what the hell she's up to.

I actually broke my cardinal boundry and walked S12 up the front door. And as I'm consoling S12, OM peers through the door with his smug ass look, and I said, you have a problem? He slammed the door.

I just don't know what to do. They hate him, they know she caused all this. They want to be with me and there's nothing I can do.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 02:16 PM
Why is there nothing you can do? As you said, you have EVERY legal right to him and your biological son. That is what courts of law and family services are for.

If they are feeling as miserable as they are making it out to be, do you think there is emotional abuse going on there? Can't you ask for a check on them? If you are not comfortable doing that (and they do not have to tell them who asked for the check) then contact the court. Get a custody revision. The kids can testify if you are ok with that. They can do it in the privacy of the judges chambers instead of open court. This is about their wellbeing, not your XW's stupid notions.

Yes, she put them in this sitiuation, but you don't have to let them stay there.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 02:58 PM
Thanks mish.

As I posted above last week, I can take this back to court, and we are right where we left off, kids in the judge's chamber. Do I want that? No, same as then. But, they realize more and more every day, what's right adn what's wrong.

I cried with them so hard last night because I was not the 'perfect father', but who is? Yeah, there's the 'great one's' and my cousin 2x4'd me that even though I was strict, I was one, and still am.

Someone needs to just set XW straight. I did not do it to mean or start anything, but I told the boys, they have voices, if they are that unhappy, THEY need to speak up.

I was set up, I lost my fight no thanks to her and her father, and collaborate of those who stood to benefit from me being 'gone'.

I need to nap now. I haven't cried so hard, nor spat blood in so long, probably a year, no make it a year, I WILL NOT let her or that POS pull me down like this again. Oh, yeah, they even made it a point to drive by dinner with myself and boys and make stupid faces out the car window, real mature huh?
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 02:59 PM
Dday))) <--- putting my arm around Dday's shoulder>

Man, I am sorry about your S's. Your ex is so messed up and they're the ones suffering the consequences.

Kids are always the victims in these family break-ups. Always. But the WAS's are just too blind in their selfishness to recognize it.

I agree with what others suggest. Document everything and start moving towards taking full custody of your kids. Holding a child's adopted status over their heads is child-abuse.

Hang in there, bro'.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 03:04 PM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
. Holding a child's adopted status over their heads is child-abuse.


heh, her lawyer didn't seem to think so. That was the first fire shot in court.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 03:08 PM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues

Kids are always the victims in these family break-ups. Always.


I did my VERY best to insure them, despite the differnces and the way things are, I love them, and even went so far as to say 'mom loves you very much too'.

I don't know, they are in a bad, bad place.

I DO ned to nap now, slept like junk, couldn't go to work, and I ahve a list of things to do.

T
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 03:09 PM
L's are paid pirhanas, and D L's are the worst of the lot! Their job is to rip you apart little tiny piece by little tiny piece until you are nothing but a pile of mushy bits.

Dylan, start doing some research into the family court in your area. Find out which judges are most sympathetic to fathers, if any of the judges volunteer with Big brothers or Boys and Girls clubs, etc. Get the info in order, get a L, get them to petition to get the right judge assigned to the case and take back control!

She seriously drove by and made faces out of the car window at you and the kids? Good GOD! What an idiot!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 03:14 PM
I did the research last week. The judge I had, is 'pro-father' and he sequestioned me three times to make sure I wanted to 'bow out'. And he'll be the one we see if it goes back.

Yep, s11 was the first one to point out how moroic they are for doing that.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 03:16 PM
I guess I just don't understand then why the custody situation ended up the way it did. I'm sure you had your reasons for 'bowing out'.

On a lighter note.......how 'bout them Packers? grin
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/14/09 07:01 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
. Holding a child's adopted status over their heads is child-abuse.


heh, her lawyer didn't seem to think so. That was the first fire shot in court.
I agree. I bet even her L agrees. He was paid to say that basically. Only way someone could say something like that. Yuck!

I'm sorry you're going through the wringer. I'm ready for the next phase, head-shaving or whatever....

I do think you should start recording some of this stuff down just in case. If stuff doesn't get better, then it could be helpful.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/15/09 01:07 PM
Well, all this apparently has started to take it's toll hard on me.

When I woke up from my nap yesterday afternoon, a numb tingling in my left fingers I noticed the past few days turned into my entire arm. Working indirectly in the medical field I did some on line pre-diagnosis, everywhich scinerio only got 2 questions into it and came up proceed for emergency medical attention immediately.

So when my cousin got home from work it was off to the ER. Long story short, they cleared me of my biggest fear of a heart related problem as it runs both sides of family, although my blood pressure was ridiculously high by my standard as I've never had high pressure. They shrugged that off and say it' more a damamged nerve, neurological problem resulting in the partial paralysis I'm experiencing.

Had a couple of MRI's done that came back clean as far pinched or constricted merves (not bad, but also not good), put me on a anti-inflamatory to see if it gets better and as they may have missed something. But in the long term, see a general practicioner for at least bi-weekly checks and schedule a neurologist immediately for further review.

Well, now as of this mornign my left cheek bone and ear have started to tingle, just great. So long as the leg doesn't start, that's when they said pack a bag and head back to the ER.

Of course, XW could give 2 turds. Her attitutde was as splended as ever. She of all people should know, I don't go to the doctor unless I HAVE to. And even then, it takes a lot to get me to go. Oh, maybe that had to do with the kids stating no-body did jack for her birthday but order a pizza.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/15/09 03:36 PM
Ok....devil's advocate here.....should she give a crap? XW....that says it all. Unless you had a heart attack should she care? Probably not. The D said it all unfortunately.

Now, we on the other hand do care! That does sound like some sort of nero misfire. I had a similar problem about 6 months ago but it was from stress. Every nerve in the right side of my body spasmed and it took several days of bed rest to relax it away. I have no med insurance so I wouldn't go to the Dr since it was obvious it wasn't a stroke but according to a friend of mine who is a nurse she said that steroids would have taken care of the problem within a day.

Be very careful with your stress levels. Take care!!!
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/15/09 03:47 PM
So sorry to hear you're having health issues!!! I hope you can find out exactly what they are. I do think they could be caused by stress. The custody stuff is beyond stressful. It's so frustrating having the kids go through stuff that you would never have done pre-D, and you can't change it b/c of courts/lawyers or whatever. I keep thinking though that if we go on doing the right things that everything will work out ok!!! Like instead of a nasty XW, in future you're going to have a wonderful W who will appreciate, love and adore you! And not be so stressful...
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/15/09 04:33 PM
Thanks,

I was fairly certain going into the ER this had to be related to the latest series of events in this whole mess. It only made sense. At this point, it doesn't seem anything major. But, I will say, the ER staff was not very attentive of my stressing the D situation. Thus, Mish, I wouldn't be at all surprised if it's the same thing.

Man, I just hate how you can get all the up to cloud 9 and stay there, longer and longer each time, and than in a heartbeat your satanic X's filthy hands knock you right down.

And do I give I really care of X's reaction or concern, no.

But, at least I finally took charge of the situation and made all my follow up appointments and all, so we'll see what happens. I'd think at the follow up, they'd be a little more receptive to my thoughts of it all being stress based, we'll see.

I just simply can't believe that XW would go so far as to coninually rub my face in S12's adoption, what a B. But apparently, that is button she can push and it does make me go over the deep end, so I'll have to find a way to deactivate that button. Actually, think I just did, not a very 'happy' deactivation method, but it is what it is.

Going to try and make every effort to avoid her tonight at the kids curriculumn night for school. That is for sure.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/15/09 05:54 PM
So, events that sent the frnzy in motion:

1-my bank sux, no questions about it.

2-as I pull up to "XW's house" to pick up boys Friday, OM has his grubby head stuffed under the hood of a car we received as from her father "get it started it's yours". I spent 4 years working the thing over and the rest of the years waiting for her to finish her end (the interior) of whcich she never did.

3-XW makes it a point to try and piss me off with a b/s attitude, then make a comment about the car. All I could say was 'that's fine, it'll end up like the rest, dead covered in dust sitting on the street'.

4-At dinner S11 begins to complain about a incodent with OM in which hurt him physically. I verify several times with S11, were you playing and it got out of hand? He said no. So, silly me jumps on the phone, hashes out the event with XW, of course ends with getting no-where and that OM needs to keep his damn hands off the kids.

From there Xw tries to call back twice for more, I reject, hence her and OM do a drive by and give us all retarted looks. Both S's stated how childish and disrespectful that was on there own.

5-S11 says to keep an eye on XW and the downstate move: "she's up to something, and you're not going to like it".

6-The fact that both boys DID NOT want to return to her Sunday night. They were so conent with each other for once. They sat in the same room for hours Saturday and did not get on each other's nerves but once. Clearly, they needed space and security. Kind of bites, took away from our time, but, they were happy, and that's all that matters.

7-The what ever the heck happened Sunday night. It was so bad I don't even remember the details of what happened. S11 made some kind of comment reminding, that's it reminding XW that he NEEDED a physical by the end of the day Monday or he was getting kicked out of school. At the point, all hell broke lose and next thing I knew I was consoling S12 (and S11 for bits at a time) for that erie 1 & 1/2 hours that life will get better, things will improve. And that his father loves him (them), and suredly their mother as well loves them.

From that point, I only remember it took me 12 minutes of the normal half an hour it does for me to drive home. And I barely remember any of it. I sat outside with my cousin and cried it all out after being so strong for them, but still only remmeber bits and peices of it. frown

Heck, I barely remember half of what I had posted on here yesterday morning. So not good. What was it someone said recently, it's like a Satruday hangover on Monday morning. Completely crazy.


Speaking of Saturday's, that was our respite of the weekend, the kids had a blast at the festival. We went on rides, then the band, S11 kept going on more rides, S12 REALLY enjoyed the show once he got into the music, and some lady kept giving my cousin and I free jello shots. We took the train, so there was plenty of time to have fun and rock out and it was all safe. Nice way to say goodbye to summer. laugh
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/15/09 09:53 PM
Ok, definately stress realted, balanced my checkbook from the ER charges and am once again broke with a week and a half to go before payday and my arm is stinging like a mother now.

Great, how am I going to do curriculumn night? I'm supposed to avoid stressful situations and I'm already about to break down?

Just when I get ahead, or think I do, bam! right backdown you go.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 09/15/09 10:59 PM
Praying for ya', bro. Hang in there.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/15/09 11:30 PM
Me too. Hope all goes well. One thing I've learned is we are way stronger than we think we are....
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/16/09 12:45 PM
Thanks,

She didn't even show! Or atleast she didn't show for S11's which is the one to watch. S12 has the same teacher since he started the school 3 years ago being it's the special needs class. I had no idea that the night would be 9 minutes in each period simulating the kids school day, so I was locked into S11's routine. I figured I could catch up with S12's teacher afterward, but will e-mail her this morning as the room was empty by the time I got there.

Getting through that unscaved and stocking up on some 'get-by' groceries helped restore some PMA as I might just squeze by til the next check.

I'm gonna have to start doing alot of proof reading before hitting the "submit" button, every key stroke with my left hand feels like there's sewing pins coming out of the key board into my fingers. Shoulder feels like it's been hit by a gorilla, which is new, better than numb? I don't know.

But at least now I know my stress should go down as I have no reason to deal with XW for a week and a half. That's a relief. I do question why she didn't go though. I would figure since most of S12's classes were with the same teacher she'd just get the skinny all at once at catch up with S11's teachers. That did make me mad though that the school gave no thought to 'single' parents with kids in different grades, I questioned it and the principle said they didn't give it much thought. Meh well. But now I really question what S11 meant when he said "watch mom, she's up to something".
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/16/09 12:52 PM
The shoulder sounds similar to what I experienced when the nerves stopped tingling. It's like all the residual pain from that concentrated into one area. Could be a good thing.

As far as the school.....honestly, how involved in both of their schooling has she been in the past? Was she only there because you took her along? When she went did she as clear, leading questions of the teachers? Did she take notes?

If she wasn't involved before, why would she be now?

My son's school does the same thing as far as rotating in 9 minute intervals with 5 minutes between to dash to their next class. Considering how huge my son's school is that was quite a challenge! His dad didn't bother showing up either, but I really didn't expect him to since he wasn't ever involved in his learning experience.

Stay as involved as you can. Be 'the man'! The more ineracation you an have in their daily lives the better. If it comes down to a revised custody agreement then you will have all of this to back it up!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/16/09 01:20 PM
Hi Mish,

Actually, she was highly involved in the kids schooling as my work schedule and my own schooling at the time they entered school disallowed me to make most of the functions. So I never really fully understood how S12's program worked until last year when I stepped up to the plate.

I will be emailing S12's teacher and all of S11's teachers as I had indicated yesterday to keep me informed at least on a bi-weekly basis of progress and issues, and especially any issues that involve communication from home that goes unanswered. Thtat worked pretty well last year, and did give me a leg up towards potentially winning custody even with just the e-mails to show as the school administration elects to not become in volved with doestic disputes unless a child is endangered emotionally or physically.

A revised custody agreement appears to be getting closer and closer so I'm starting to watch my arse. I'm seriously contemplating officially requesting that the pickup and drop arrangements be adheared to or revised as I no longer feel it is healthy for me to be around her blasted house. But, then again, if she moves away, she's responsible for full transport any how, but I don't want that douchebag of OM any where near where I live, so that's a problem. For now, my cousin has offered to drop them off (my portion of the agreement) on Sunday's to help eliviate some of the problem.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/17/09 01:32 PM
Just a random journaling I guess:

NICE queit night to calm the nerves, al beit a simple light bulb change turned in to a situation with a improperly mounted light that almost burned the house down. Thank goodness I didn't listen to my cousin and let her pick up bulbs while she was at work and replace them today. Felt good tho to get back into the swing of things. Haven't had the 'urge' to do anything repair wise and when I had to, couldn't think of the way to properly get the job done, this time, I was on top of it. Was kind of difficult having control of 1 hand and 1 and a 3rd arms, but, none the less.

Zero contact from boys, uggh. Surprisingly more so, I forgot to mention, Saturday night I bumped into the female friend that XW simply despises and gets her jealous kick over when I was out with the kids.

After getting the job done last night and peace and quiet, a little more PMA resotred, but I think it's going to take some outside help to finally get going with life. I need to make some serious changes healthwise and mentally. People are wanting to go do this and that this weekend. Me, I just want to relax and do not much of anything. Do some yard work and what not and just chill. And of course everyone else says "oh, that's not good for you, you'll just get dragged again". ummm no. I need to do this. I know what's going with me is no "pinched nerve". So some rest, relaxation and restoration is what this doctor is ordering.

Hell the scary part, as much as love a cold beer, I've had zero desire for any. Just had my customary couple that I barely finished the other night, and same last night with a 'victory dance' one after repairing the electrical issue.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/17/09 06:20 PM
So I'm e-mailing S11's teachers the "nice to meet you and please remember I don't see items sent home, email, call, (heck smoke signal me)" blah, blah blah. Then I get to S12's. I bite the bullet and text XW if she had in fact gone and I didn't see her there.

Nope, "thought you were going to handle it".

So, atleast she responded so I didn't look like a complete dingy. Kept it nice and polite in regards to both kids teachers, "as you may or may not know..... we're recently D', both share mutual concern", blah blah blah.

*****break to view text*****

UNBELIEVABLE, she wants to argue with me over a event she didn't even attend as to what was supposed to be going on?!?!?! wtf crazy

My, my, my. The craziness never stops does it? And yet I spoke cordially and nice of her? Sheesh, no wonder I'm stressed out.

EDIT - Better yet, the kids live with YOU. YOU are in charge of their daily routine.
YOU don't want to speak civily like adults with ME, and yet I'M the only one concerned to take care of yet another thing YOU should be upmost concerned about?

pughhh, and to think, i almost didn't go to do as directed and avoid a stressful situation.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/17/09 08:21 PM
vent/rant/the heck with it........

Goodness gracious, I can't get over the unbelievable that it should be expected rheotric of that woman. "I'm taking the kids, I can handle them, I don't need you, I've done this, and I've done that........"

And now, no initiative, waits til last minute for everything and that's even if she does anything and they are left to suffer.

Blah! She's like a BJ from a quadroplegic, all mouth and no hands on. eek
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 12:43 PM
Quote:
Blah! She's like a BJ from a quadroplegic, all mouth and no hands on.


OMG! I just spit coffee all over my screen! PRICELESS!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 01:15 PM
Yes, cynacism got the best of me as my sense of humor is in la-la land.

I don't know if I should wait and see IF the doc on Monday puts me on a anti-anxiety med or sends me to a dang shrink to get my head under wraps, but I feel the need to send a letter to XW to just cut the b/s with the kids. Our crap is done, finitto, over, out, in nuclear holucost. Why make them suffer because now she has a pent up rage over the fact that "my god, he left me, he really, really left me like this".

I don't know, I think we all need to get together and write up a "surviving manual", "tactics that work, and tactics that are destined for failure". And most of all, "what to expect when there's seemingly nothing more to be unexpected". I like it, might even resolve some of our financial woes? smirk

Anyway, an oddity this morning. I found a notebook that S12 never let out of his grasps for weeks. In it, he drew maps and representive pictures of I'm assuming where XW takes them, especially explicit maps (to his ability) even writing exit numbers and dead ends to the house down state. I don't know if he's trying to say something or what. When I saw him doodling in it my car a few weeks ago I was curious and he wouldn't let me see it, now all the sudden it was left behind at my place?

Even stranger, he drew a picture of a figure next to a car, the figure being OM as his name was over the figure, and S12 very heavily scratched out the picture?

I just don't know what to make of it just yet.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 02:16 PM
Dday, is your son in counceling? I'm not saying anything is wrong, but D is very hard on everyone and especially considering what your XW has said to him, he may benefit from it. I think you should talk to him about this 'map.'
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 02:44 PM
Oh I know things are wrong with both sons. S12 has develpomental issues courtesy of his "sperm donor". In fact he was stripped of all legal right to the name father, name removed from birth certificate and all. This was done to protect S12 from the truth. Sure we were to tell him one day MUCH fruther down the road and without the fact the kids family has been torn to shreds and all.

S12 was seeing a councelor last year on a 'need be' basis after OM just dropped him off at the playground for school and drove off. S12 proceeded to go to the train station and beg for money for a train. (Presumably to come to work as when I lived in town I took the train)

Anyway, the last few times dropping them off after our weekend, he has gotten more and more reluctant to return "home", getting depressed, crying and carrying on.

At this point, I pray to god that XW sees the turmoil they are going through and does something, anything, I don't care what to remedy it. The ball is in her court, she got what she wanted and what she thought was right for the kids. She's the one that gets a constant reminder everyday that although I was flawed at times, I wasn't such a bad father afterall was when she turned my defense of the kids best interest into a personal vendetta of her own.

I certainly plan to talk to him about it. Especially after S11 warned me to keep on eye on X about that delapetated house down there.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 03:45 PM
Geez man. Can't you get full custody? Considering what I've heard, the situation is very bad for your kid's well being.
Do you keep records of all this? Who drops a kid off at the playground and leaves? What did you XW have to say about this?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 04:38 PM
uggh,

Without rehashing all the details as there are so many and quite frankly is what caused amental breakdown Sunday that I'm just starting to rebound from and am for the first time feeling the dire physical effects of:

This whole thing was set up since day one, probably about 3/08, maybe even prior to that. Everyone who had something to gain from me 'losing' became X's best friend, well they were all partying together anyway so go figure, but anyway, they all showed up on the first day of court and sat on her side, even those who claimed they couldn't stand OM.

It became apparent as to why at each hearing, a new lie would come out of the wordwork: lyrics to songs I was doodling were contrued as "suicide notes", a picture of "my refridgerator" AFTER I left the house, "full of alcohol and no food in the house" are just the cake toppers that said I had a tough battle to fight.

So, I folded. I didn't want the kids in mediation and in a custody trial. I said 'fine, if you think you know what's best and have to stoop to these levels to ensure you get it, have at it'. I had every full and well thought that in time as it is now already in just 3 months, things would not be as X thought they would pan out.

Even with my support, X has some serious financial issues, more so than I do even after losing about half my income. She can't control them, and they won't let her either. They're getting the idea what happened here and what's right and what's wrong.

I really dont have to do much but make sure they do not get permanently damaged from X's antics, I reassure them every time I speak with them that I love them and care for them and surely their mother does too. I WILL NOT resolve to the leve of trash talk XW does with no regard. When they complain, all I can do shrug it off.

All I have said is, 'you have voices, if you're unhappy, speak up and be heard, you have every right to a happy and comforting lifestyle to grow and mature. If you're not happy now, you need to speak up.'

Eventually, I will not be surprised at all that XW voluntarily asks to change the custody agreement, actually from the little I see and hear of how life is, and that her happy little world she thought have has no chance to materialize, I'm surprised it hasn't happened all ready.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 05:25 PM
Dang it!

Just got an email from S11's PE teacher that he nearly had a detention (ALREADY) for non-prepardness, no uniform. We bought him 3!

uggh, will she ever learn? frown
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 05:43 PM
Quote:
uggh, will she ever learn?


Ummmm.....I'm going to go with no. That would require her to step outside her selfishness.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 06:02 PM
Do you think that there's a possibilty that your XW may feel that your children don't fit into her lifestyle? What the heck does she do that she doesn't have time to make sure your kids are prepared for school?

My XW is in the same situation financially. I run my own company and the economy is hitting me pretty hard. My revinues are way down and my XW is a professional who makes twice what I do. Yet she still can't keep up with her bills and is just scraping by. I've got a great lifestyle with lots of travel, and she can't afford a night out.

What do these XW's spend thier money on??!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/18/09 07:54 PM
Originally Posted By: Sgfan
Do you think that there's a possibilty that your XW may feel that your children don't fit into her lifestyle? What the heck does she do that she doesn't have time to make sure your kids are prepared for school?


I don't know what her current lifestyle is per sae. I do know that before partying became priority one, she was one hell of a great mother. So, I don't know if she thought she could just revert back to that person at the drop of the hat or what. I mean it was slow decline spanning over 4 years, the last 2 being the worst. But yet again, everybody by that time was neglecting each other.

She claims now that she works a lot. But then in the conversation later on, she doesn't ahve money becasue she doesn't have any time at work crazy But then again, that is how all subject matter goes with her, if you can talk to her long enough, what she said at the start of conversation will be the complete opposite by it's finish.

You know it's sad, really sad. Posting the first sentence in this reply made me brush away all the recent memories and look back to a truly wonderful person. I hope she finds peace in her life and can someday revert back to that person.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/19/09 10:34 PM
Quote:
Posting the first sentence in this reply made me brush away all the recent memories and look back to a truly wonderful person. I hope she finds peace in her life and can someday revert back to that person.
I hope she does too! I always wonder: are our WAS really the people that we married or the ones they are now?
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 09/19/09 10:47 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
I always wonder: are our WAS really the people that we married or the ones they are now?


I'd like to know the answer to that one myself! Goodness knows I've spent many an hour pondering that question. But there's just no real way for us to know the answer, at least not in this lifetime.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/20/09 02:10 AM
Ummm,

So what exactly do I do here? My cousin has a friend who is extremely, well, HOT! and is D'd and is on the short end of the stick as I am. Supposidly she's loolsy dating her first XH, and well, we can't seem to make eye contact for more than a second or two beause in my perspective, it's pretty intenese?

What to do? I'm supposed to pick up my cousin in 2 hours and meet the other person afterward. Do I go open? Do I shell up? Kinda lost here.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/20/09 05:34 PM
Did you meet her or not? I think it's good to be open to that, but just go slowly. That whole she's dating her exH? Is that true? If she still has feelings for him, that might be a huge problem. We all need relationships where there aren't 3 in it, this next time around!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/20/09 07:43 PM
Yeah, played it cool calm and collective, good time, nothing materialized, but all and all good time.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/21/09 12:43 PM
So GREAT weekend. Guess I over analyzed the whole 'friend thing'. That's cool, though, not going to lose any sleep over it.

Nice queit and early night Friday. Saturday S12 called in the morning, he (they) was at the 'new' house in loserville. He was the only up, apparently X and OM were up 'partying all night', heh, real shocker. Then after getting a good chunk of the weekly yard work done, we smuggled counsin's friend in the back yard (her recent ex lives across the street, oh the drama of it all). Low and behold, we got caught, his son was selling boy scouts popcorn tins. Busted, lol.

So, S11 never called as I wanted to talk to him about him getting in trouble with the PE teacher. So, my cousin being the Irish she is, opts to call the house. I agree, and wouldn't you know OM answers the phone. She asks, "may I speak to 'S11'?" Dumb douchebag replies, "'S11' who?". "Umm, S11 (last name)". Dummy puts X on the phone who finally gets the phone over to S11. Cousin said X sounded trashed, heh, go figure. But S11 says he has a uniform in his locker now, but he had to give one to his S12.

Wait, hold up. I bought each of them 3 uniforms? And, S11 is about a good 50 lbs on S12, so how does that work? I told him we'll have to meet up after school and get him more, that is unacceptable, he seemed little concerned about facing a detention. So he asked what I had been up to, told him did yard work, he says the grass there is 'a foot high' and the lawn mower won't start and that's 'his fault'. Yeah, ok, as I've stressed to X when she stated moving there, how do you expect to get by when no-one in the house other than a 11 year old is mechanically inclined in any way shape or form?

But anyway, they were bored to tears, atleast the conversation ended when some kid asked him to come out for a bit. I just get nervous because there is a lot of abandonded houses down there that are very dangerously unstable. They promise me they don't go in them, but yeah right, kids are kids and will do EXACTLY the opposite of what you tell them not to do.

So, Saturday night, picked up cousin from work and met up with her friend and her XH, had a few beers, good time. Her X bailed early. We stuck around for a bit, and opted to head back to the house and get the fire pit going. Little did we realize by that point it was pretty late, an deverybody opted out to bed.

Yesterday, nice 'lazy day'. Watched my race, then some of the football game (go bears!), that was funny, my cousin is a Steerlers fan so although nobody was too enthoused to yell at the TV. I think I wimped out about 9:30 or so.

It was nice tho to go through a weekend and only consumee barely half the 'normal' amount of beer, etc that I had been accustomed to, turning over a new leaf thanks to my eye opene last Monday in the ER, time to slow down. On that note, not much changed there, arm still tingly, so the meds for the 'pinched nerve' clearly show it is not the case.

Well, that is all.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/21/09 01:38 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
. But S11 says he has a uniform in his locker now, but he had to give one to his S12.


oops that was supposed to be "his brother, S12" lol. laugh
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/22/09 12:23 PM
Oh my goodness, the immaturity will not stop until someone gets seriously hurt.

Nice queit, relaxful evening. Then my cousin asks if I had heard from the boys. I say no, and no sooner than a minute later I get a text from X's phone, presummably sent by S11. S12, "was playing 'back to the future' and cut his knee open requiring stiches".

I reply, "what?"

No reply.

So I call. I get S11. S11 goes to inform me that S12 "was PLAYING IN THE TRUNK OF OM's CAR and got locked in, freaked out and cut his knee open an dgot 'like 5 stiches". All the while I can tell they are in the car and X, OM and S12 are F'N giggling about it!

How gosh darn irresponsible is that?!? First off, the trunk of a car, let alone OM's POS rust bucket? I was so libid. S12 refused to get on the phone. S11 said because he thought I'd yell at him. I told him there was only one person I wanted to yell at (and he knew it was XW, of which she refused to get on the phone, and he begged me not to anyway).

So, knwoing they were in the car, and receiving a call from S12 at 7:30 on Sunday from the house down there when they should have been on their way back here, I put one and one together and asked "when did this happen", S11 said about 3pm. Mind you I didn't get the text until 8:30pm. Si I said, "and why weren't you in school?" (calling the bluff). "Mom said we both had fevers and kept us 'home'.

I don't know what the hell to do, but this will not go unheard of, I guarentee it!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/22/09 01:24 PM
So, damage control mode. As the circumstances of which the injury were sustained may raise suspicion by both ER staff and the school, I emailed S12's teacher that I had no knowledge of their absence nor of the injury and how it was acquired until 8:30pm the night before and would be happy to assist with any concerns they may have.

This is so bleeding irresponsible it's not even any where near funny.

When I questioned S11 why in the world S12 was in the trunk of the car, XW was barking in the back ground "she was watching him the whole time". Well, HELLO! If you were watching him, this shouldn't have happened! If you weren't partying all weekend and taken them TO SCHOOL as they should have been, this wouldn't have happened!

And they (XW) mainly, always said I was a 'tight as s' when it came to the kids? Well, guess what? NOTHING like this would have happened under my watch, NEVER! In her care thus far, we have hands slammed in car doors, bruises from "playing" with OM, busted teeth and now this. I am damn near set to call Famliy Services my darn self!
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/22/09 03:36 PM
I wonder what effect calling CPS would have on this sitch? I know that I would definately document everything and collect evidence, without gaining the attention of your X. It may take a while, but these are your kids and they need to be in a healthy, stable invironment. I'd be alsmost tempted to hire a PI.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/22/09 03:56 PM
Dday, I know you were waiting for your XW to realize that she's in over her head, and the situation too get resolved naturally. But it sounds like it's too dangerous. You have to do something! She doesn't sound fit at this point to take care of them. Can you consult with an L about this? I think that stuff is so tricky, but if it's in your children's best interest to have her reported, and your L says it's a good idea, I would do that in a heartbeat. My only concern would be putting your kids through more stress; but I think they're in an unsafe situation now, so I know it's rock and a hard place.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/22/09 04:29 PM
L is long gone, and now threatening to garnish my wages, can't do much that route when you're broke. crazy PI? Definatley out of the question.

Pretty much can't support them broke either, so I don't know what to do. Right now, I'm covering my butt in any possible. And beleive me I was very tempted to send a message or something to the extent that this will not go unmentioned, but I kept that notion in check.

Kind of a rock and hard place right now.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 12:38 PM
And the storm clouds gather again crazy

Got a call from X;s number last night while was pushing the wahing machine back in place after it did the unbalanced load waltz across the floor, so obviously I couldn't grab the phone at that very second.

Figured it was one of the boys and they'd leave a message or in the case of S12, he'd call right back anyway. No message, no call back. So I bite the bullet and call back. So "her friend" (the catalyst to procreate the A) I thought answered the phone, I was dumfounded at first thinking why are you answering X's phone? Says 'hello' again, 'what's going on?' making small talk, and I said I'm returning a call.

Much to my dismay, IT WAS XW, who handed the phone to S12 as he was heding out the door to play with friendds. Wow, that's pretty pathetic, our line of sommunication is so taunt now that I don't even recognize her voice!

S12 seemed put up to the task of just finding out where I was at and what I was doing. I can tell in his tones when he's had to reherse things. Even more so, even if he had called me voluntarily, X has not answered on his behalf in months. I figured the night would have involved a call or text battle, but much to my surprise, none of the above.

I just felt so ackward not even recognizing her voice. But, hey, that's what hse asked for afterall.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 03:04 PM
I did the same thing not long ago. XH called my office and he actually had to refer to something regarding our son before I realized it was him! smile DETACHMENT!
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 03:19 PM
I'm sure i'd be the same way. These days it's text or email only.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 04:06 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
I did the same thing not long ago. XH called my office and he actually had to refer to something regarding our son before I realized it was him! smile DETACHMENT!


You know, we should paraphrase all the DB analogies and induendos into one big Motown hit or something. wink
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 04:12 PM
Originally Posted By: Sgfan
I'm sure i'd be the same way. These days it's text or email only.


Not even barely that my friend.

And you know what, it's better that way. Makes co-parenting even more a challenge, but that's why I went straight to the teachers. I can't rely on, nor trust for the matter anything XW even has to say about school functions, much less to have the common decency to tell me when she's keeping them home from school. We had an issue with that last year, and I ripped her a new one when the school called and sounded like donkey not knowing they weren't in school and the school couldn't get a hold of X.

I was tempted to text X last night after processing the phone incodent, that it's pretty pathetic that we can't get along as agreed for the kids sake. But then it hit me, she doesn't care anyway, and I 'd potentially be refueling her insanity tank, thus I said to myself to not bother. It's not my place to reach out to her. And if she ends up being the one to reach out, well, I'm not obligated to respond either.

Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 06:08 PM
right on! It seems to me you'll get better results doing what you doing. You can't trust the XW, so going straight to the school seems to be the best bet. ONe day, your kids will appreciate your efforts.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 06:45 PM
heh,

One day sooner than later. I ironically received a e-mail from S12's teacher requesting I assist him with his homework. Being in special needs he really hasn't had all that much homework. But then again, last year, XW would consistantly say he never ahd any. Well, well, well, what did I find in his bookbag upon taking over the dialy routine when she walked? HOMEWORK. shocked

And that is where his teacher is coming from, he started to excel at a sustantial rate when under my watch. And I know so long as S11 sits down at the table with a book and sheet of paper, 9 out of 10 times she's "too busy" to actually check and make sure he's done his work.

So, the dilemma of the day. I obviously need to speak with her about meeting the boys up after school. As far as I understand, they "go to the library when school let's out" until Xw picks them up. That could very well be a lie, who knows? but I do pass through town on my way home about 45 minutes after they get out, so I would have no problem meeting them and making sure their work is done and helping them out as I DO miss it.

I'm of the impression to just write a letter as outlined in the parenting agreement. I feel a conversation could quickly spiral out of control.

Oh, the challenges never cease. frown
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 07:09 PM
Quote:
Oh, the challenges never cease.


You can say that again!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 07:28 PM
Yeah, well, busted out the JPA and this stuff is going down written as it should be, with all the legalities sprinkled in as a nice little reminder, Mr. Nice Guy doesn't live here anymore.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 07:59 PM
eeehhh hell, I can't find a way to write all this junk out without it getting to indepth or seeming like a "personal attack'.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/23/09 08:55 PM
It sounds like to me that whatever you say, it will be seen as a personal attack. Just keep it business. You can't be responsible for your XW's emotions. If she throws a fit, it's her problem, not yours. You're just trying to take care of your kids as per the divorce agreement.

Mr Nice guy or not, stay cool and take care of what needs to be, morally and legally.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 01:56 AM
Well,

Sound the trumpets and raise the flags, war has resumed.

Texted Xw that teachers were concerned of homework performance, kept it sweet and discreet. No reply.

So after a few hours, texted again,"ok, guess it doesn't concern you"

Finally got a reply"I'm busy phone dead, doing homework, laundry and baths, I know"

Feeling no sympathy, I shoot:: "well, you wanted custodial parent, yet I'm the only one talking with the school".

Reply "b/s [censored}, father of the year goodbye"

I simply reply, "ok, violate the parenting agreement again, no problem".

After that 3 calls in a row, all declined, and 2 texts making too much sense to know that they weren't from S12 as alleged.

So, off we go, offical complaint being filed tomorrow. She seems to have completely forgot who she's dealing with. I carried the hatchet against my parents for 20 years, what makes her think that after all she's done even worse than them, I'll let her slide?

At last unleash the dogs of war!

This time, it's BEYOND personal.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 02:52 AM
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I laid down and 'protected' XW as so many have put it in the D and I did, I can't do that this time.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 04:48 AM
Let her have it Dylan. Just know that she is going to be spewing vitriol at you at every turn. Be prepared.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 12:59 PM
Thanks Mish. Believe me, after the first go at it, I know entirely all too mcuh to expect the unexpected of the woman. Heh, bad part for her is this time she won't have her little minions (BIL and renter) to report my every move since I'm not in the house anymore and conjour up a crock pot of les.

Funny, the blowing my phone up ended with a text I replied to "from S12":"dad what are you doing dad are you at home or at work"

I said: "Assuming this Joe, sorry, I'm out, love 'dad of the year".

Like I said, when the D went through, I still had feelings for X and they royally got in the way. Now, in what 4 short months, she has shown nothing but clear disregard for the rules, has continually added insult to injury of the boys, just plain out doesn't care. I simply do not understand what she wanted custody for? I mean, you want to live the party life, fine, go right ahead, I'll take the kids, no problem, go about your merry little way. Why would you want the hassle of school work, preparing meals, monitoring, bathing, cleaning, disciplining? If I were in her shoes and all I cared about was me, I would have said, fine take em. I don't get it.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 01:21 PM
LOL, XW's horoscope for today:

"You're stirring things up to get them just right. Take responsibility for the mess you're making."
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 01:22 PM
I agree with mishka, once again - way to go!

Maybe to the court she didn't want to appear to not want the responsibility & also appear to be a good mother?
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 02:11 PM
Did she benefit with child custody support being increased or not decreased?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 02:43 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
Did she benefit with child custody support being increased or not decreased?


Nah, support has been the same since the temp custody order of which seriously for the amount, pretty much covers groceries (2 growing boys love to eat) and maybe a little extra, but certainly not worth fighting for. And if she were worried if the shoe was on the foot and I had custody, I had already told her, I want nothing from her. But, there in lies the probable reason why she wanted custody, the state requires the non-custodial parent to pay child support, no questions asked. But, hell, just to give our boys a stable caring enviornment under my watch, I'd give her every penny back if I had to.

EDIT- and another part the probably pissed her off to no end was complete rejection of alomony, heh, she blew that by up and leaving 3 months too early.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 02:56 PM
OMG! That horoscope is priceless!! FRAME IT!
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 03:31 PM
There's nothing like calling out the XW in the public forum of court. I'm sure she'll just swallow her own lies to keep from facing what kind of mother she's been. Being a bad mother is one of the worst things in my opinion to be (other than a bad father).
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 04:22 PM
Quote:
Being a bad mother is one of the worst things in my opinion to be (other than a bad father).


Actually, if you think about it, in today's culture being a bad mother is far, far worse than being a bad father. Fathers get such a bum rap anyway now of days -- they are automatically assumed to bring so much less than the mother to the parenting table. And with the bar set so low, it's almost expected that a father today will be lacking in parenting skills.

It's a rotten stereotype, of course. And in no way fair or realistic. But it is what it is.

And so when a mother is deemed to be bad, that seems all the more egregious simply because of her gender. A bad mother, so labeled, will carry a far heavier stigma, far greater shame. It becomes a challenge to their very womanhood.

Think of it, a mother being bad, being detrimental to her own children, especially if she's conscious of it.

I sincerely believe that is the chief reason that my xW has fought so hard to resist any notion she has failed or is failing our S's as a parent. Being recognized for her selfish behavior and for putting that ahead of our children's interests would tarnish this reputation she tries to cultivate with her peers. It explains why she would so readily slander me before friends and family, to make me the fall-guy for her destroying our family.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/24/09 04:32 PM
Quote:
But, there in lies the probable reason why she wanted custody, the state requires the non-custodial parent to pay child support, no questions asked.
Bingo. You would give up the money, but she thinks like she thinks, different ways of looking at things, money being more important than kids. I used to think everyone kind of thought like I did: family is most important, believing in cooperating and fairness. But some people think differently than that.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/25/09 12:50 PM
Arrrraaaghhh!

This lock of communication b/s over X's own problematic demons is really getting out of hand. Now, as of last night I come to find out that S12 has a dance at school tonight until 9pm. Thanks for letting me know! Really throws a monkey wrench in my plans now for the evening and trickling into the weekend.

This crap needs to stop now. I'm going to finish up preparing a short and sweet written complaint. However, since I'll have time to kill, I'm going to nip this crap in it's flabby buttocks. I mean, for crying out loud woman, GET OVER IT, our issues are dead, just like our M. That's what you wnated, that's what you got. Go about your life and leave mine alone. Do we need to buddies? Do we need to be snuggley-wuggley friends? NO. We need to be a mother and father as we shall ALWAYS be.

Cripe, I layed down and gave her her D she wanted so badly and all I ask for in return was the god given right to still be a intrical part of OUR children's lives. Nothing more, nothing less. apparently, too much to ask.

Ugh, doctor's apointment this morning, good thing I did reschedule it thoug, arm is going numb again after last night and the prospect of what will probably transpire tonight.

This crap is so crazy!
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/25/09 07:04 PM
Yea, I know what you mean dday. My XW is creeping around the edges of my life and using financial crap as an excuse to remain in touch. Don't they understand that the divorce is closure!
They left and made our lives hell and they seem to think that we can be friends? One of the main tenants of friendships for me is trust. Now on that basis alone, my XW is disqualified.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/25/09 07:41 PM
Well Sg, I have to look at it in a completely different light: no, I don't want her around as my 'friend', would be nice, but life would go on just as well. BUT, she does need to differentiate where OUR relationship ended, and where the relationship between ourselves AND OUR KIDS MUST continue.

No if's ands or buts about it and she not only has a moral obligation to do so, but a LEGAL one.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/25/09 07:53 PM
So, some good noew, bad news on the health front.

Good news, EKG came back normal. So at least if for whatever reason she manages to get me worked up again tonight, I know I won't drop right then and there.

Bad news, they still don't know. Have to set up a CT scan for next week. much like the ER, the doc kept focusing on physical response testing, so still potentially a neuro issue.

Then some bloodwork on Tuesday, doc recommended I get screened for anything possible from X. Since things were great then drifted off to nothing, I figured she began the PA after the last time we were together, well, doc says, you never know.

At lteast with the bloodwork comes a possibility I didn't even think of. They will be checking my thyroid of which I had issues with not that long ago, but it was dismissed as nothing. So that may explain a lot.

And last but not least. Doc listened to me and took everything and agreed, weither or not it is a contributing factor, I am stressed the F out. And this time, no drugs were recommended (yet). It took her and a coleague to coherse me into it, but I agreed to a psych consultation. From there it will be determined if I need drugs or not, but I'd rather not and they know that and at least listen. (heh, but then again, if they don't listen, I can make their research funding disappear shocked )
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/26/09 04:30 PM
That all sounds mostly good to me! They haven't found anything seriously wrong--and you already knew you were stressed out way too much!!! It sounds like you're doing all kinds of testing so you'll figure out what's wrong. I hope you feel better soon!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/28/09 01:10 PM
Thanks Karen.

So, all in all a nice quiet weekend with the boys. Friday kicked off without a hiccup. When I picked up S11 for dinner I 'served' XW with my complaint(s). Immediately upon handing her the envelope she asks, "what's this?", I said unfortunately it appears the way things must be. Without even opening it she knew it was about her lack of communication regrading the boys, she emotionally steered it into a personal light proclaiming how much she "needs to" and "would love more than anything to get along".

I merely said, that I could not handle it at that very time, plus, not in front of the kids. She opened the envelope, glanced it over, started to tear up a bit, then went to 'her' porch and read over the entire letter. Of course, OM had to stick his slimey nose in it, but she must of said something because he dissapeared rather quickly.

She did hoever much to my surprise agree to let me take them to the Cubs game on Thursday. I promissed I would take them to baseball game this sumer, so why not the last night game of the year at Wrigley? smile

That said, we pretty much just vegitated the weekend away. Played some games, went to a movie, cut S12's har. S11 helped me make a tray of baked mosticolli yesterday and made XW a tray of brownies belated for her b-day.

Much to my surprise, XW was sweet as apple pie last night when I brought them back. So that was a felief. Although she is up to something. The cars she had stashed away at her uncle's are now downstate as of yesterday. Speaking of her darling drunk uncle, he's apparently back to his old ways of sleeping off his buzz in the front lawn, and taking midnight strolls in the buff. Real cute, nice home inviornment X!

When I got back home, had a message from X's number S11 lost his school ID, foudn it in a couch and called back, much to my dismay agreed to put it through 'her' mail slot this morning. That was ackward. No one appeared to be up, or even home? Must be nice to sleep in so late. That, or they took the cars last night, as I could of swore I saw them on the way to drop the boys off.

Did faulter a bit for moment last night. I didn't hear my cell phone ring on the way home because a station premiered this neew Kelly Clarkson song that was pretty deep and to my shock very good. So that had me going, X's pleasent demeaner (and the mini skirt she had on, she's taken a few pounds back off and got her legs back crazy ), then a storm was rolling in. We would always sit on the porch together and watch storms roll in all the time, sometimes 'play' on them too.

Anyway, had a few margaritas prior to bed. Then decided to go in the crawl space and shut the vent fan down as the temp was dropping and it was no longer necessary. While I was in the crawl and on my way out, I screwed up. There sat my copy of DB, our wedding photo and rings. Suffice it to say, I cried myself to sleep. :crying:

Yeah, the shrink is going to have FUN with me. smirk
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/28/09 05:08 PM
Sounds like you actually did a great job of setting boundries.
You're getting your life straightened out and she's noticing. I think the most important thing here now is giving your children what they deserve. She knows your a good dad.

I remember my XW saying that I would make a far better dad than she would be a mom. She was just too selfish to give to our marriage or children. As stubborn as she is, it will be a very long time before she will realize what she has done in full. I think that's the case with most of these WAWs. It all takes time. Well, I'm sure when she finds out that I have a girlfriend now, she'll freak and the process will accelerate. BUt I've moved on now and I neither want or need her anymore.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/28/09 05:29 PM
Hey Sg, yeah you can rest assured your XW will respond in a variety of ways once she finds out you're letting someone else in your life.

Mine knows my boys ARE my life now. She also convicts me of dating someone she doesn't particularly care for. Well, yeah, you're right Sg, here come the boundires. She does not like it one bit when I say it's none of her business. She does not like it one bit when I am out, for whatever reason. I don't know how, but that woman has some like 'super-esp' or something. Every time I'm out she has S12 blow my phone up.

So yeah, boundries. I made it point blank clear in the letter that I "do not understand the continued anger and angst you continue to hold against me. Our marriage is over and we have released each other to enjoy each of our personal liberties in doing so. There is zero sense in arguing anymore. We are free to do as we wish as I gave you what you sought in a divorce with little resistance in that regard".

That was the only time the letter got 'personal'. it seems apparent the letter was either effective or she's got something else up her sleeve in the works. Either way, the point is out there to just drop it, you have what you "want" and now I'm entitled to do as I wish as well and getting all bent out of shape and not talking is only hurting the kids, not me.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/28/09 07:46 PM
I'm pretty sure my XW seems to think that once she gets her life together, that's there's a chance again for us. The last time I met with her to sign the divorce papers she said she wanted to leave the door open and maybe sometime in the future there would be an 'us' again.

News flash: it's my turn now. She divorced me and thus all rights to what's going on in my life. Not to mention she doesn't even realize what kind of hell she put me through for the past two years.

You know what's really nuts about all this? Throughout all of our marriage, I really tried to help her find her own interests, passions and friends to help her keep her identity, yet she (even after the divorce) continues to copy/ mirror me. It's like she's still trying to be like me and I'm not even around anymore.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/28/09 08:07 PM
lol, like the news flash. Yeah my XW once again thought I was joking. Back at New Years when she was squirming like mad realizing, that I knew no matter what in February she'd be taking me to the cleaners, she thought I was joking. After listening to all her "I don't knows" and "I miss you so much, can't stop thinking about you", blah blah blah, I told her point blank, you have until February 1st to knock on that 'door'. Because come February 1st, I'm walking out of that door and never looking back.

Well, delay 2 weeks of unexpected legal proceedings and not seeing our son for his birthday, Happy Valentines Day Hon, I moved out and locked 'the door' on my way out.

I don't know, we were a tag team. Even when we had our quarrels, we worked together. The bum she selected in OM, does nothing. Complete loser. And an ugly one at that sick
Oh well.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/28/09 09:00 PM
That sounds pretty codependent of her. Has she had any counseling Sg?
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/28/09 09:25 PM
dday:

This exactly why most affairs don't work out. Sooner or later, it ends for one reason or another. Then, like my XW they realize they've lost everything. I can already see this comming with my XW. The OM is gone and she's surrounded by nothing by yes-friends who are just using her.

mishka,

Yes, she's in therapy twice a week and seeing a psychiatrist. She's very co-dependent (among other issues). Actually, when we got married, she took on many of my hobbies, passions and friendships. I saw it for what it was and encouraged her to spend time with her friends and find her own personal passions.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/28/09 09:43 PM
TWICE A WEEK!!!!!???????? OMG! And I thought my once a week was pretty bad. DANG!
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/28/09 11:13 PM
lol mishka! Thanks for the laugh! Yes the therapist told her to come in twice a week as the XW was in really bad shape. Apperantly, she's had these issues since childhood. I guess love is blind!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/29/09 01:59 PM
Originally Posted By: Sgfan
dday:

This exactly why most affairs don't work out. Sooner or later, it ends for one reason or another. Then, like my XW they realize they've lost everything. I can already see this comming with my XW. The OM is gone and she's surrounded by nothing by yes-friends who are just using her.


Yeah, I KNOW things will get very, very interesting when the day comes with my X. Scarey part is to think of what she will do. She will either have to try and bait me up or move on completely to someone else before current OM can exit stage left as there is no way in the world she can substain herself, no way. And that is where the very last bit of my concern for her sits as this was not thought through at all. Meh, time will tell.

Otherwise, I don't know why, but my PMA today is off the hook. I feel like a million bucks and have no explination for it. Only thing is last night, when I got home, my cousin made a mention that a FedxX package came during the day, but had to be signed for and no-one answered the door since the doorbell doesn't work. Which kinda of pee'd her off as we bought a new one a few weeks ago, but I hadn't installed yet. I guess it all played on the feelings of rejection and selfworth.

I felt worthless and rejected as I did everything at X's request for so many years. No, "I'll get to it later", it was done near immediately or best as possible. So, since that was no longer required of me anymore, I lost interest in household projects since I wasn't good enough for them. So, I guess hopping on this one simple little thing was therapy in disguse. crazy

On a funny note, I was nearly 3/4 of the way home last night, well past the town that I had lived in and X still does. Get to stop light and happen to glance over to my left. There's XW and one of her friends she works with apparentlyon their way home. I'm certain that her friend saw me. X never looked directly at me as far as I could tell but threw her arms in the air several times as if saying "my god can't I just get away from him?!?!". No.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/29/09 02:43 PM
Trust me, you XW will live with regret. Especially after the string of bad relationships and bad men. You are the yard-stick by which all men she meet will be judged. She will never be able to get away from your memory and the life you had together.

You should let go of your lack of a sense of urgency to accomplish your XW's requests. You're holding on to it still and that means she still has power over you. Do what's right by you and people will notice your happiness.

Ugh! I really don't want to see my ex AT ALL. I just go an email from her stating that she has some of my stuff from my grandmother. I'm just going to tell her to mail it to me.
This is just another ploy to try and be 'friends.' I will absolutely NOT tolerate cake-eating.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/29/09 06:25 PM
Originally Posted By: Sgfan
Trust me, you XW will live with regret. Especially after the string of bad relationships and bad men. You are the yard-stick by which all men she meet will be judged. She will never be able to get away from your memory and the life you had together.


Heh, string of bad relationships and men, hopefuly the rest won't be in the direct exposure of the kids as this one has been. mad If I'm her yard stick and Om is based on my criteria, who the hell is the Pollock in our former marriage? I thought it was me, but on that analogy I must be wrong. Better yet, sorry Sg, I just odn't see how that is being applied. That or her judgement as has been her standards have not been set very high.

Originally Posted By: Sgfan
You should let go of your lack of a sense of urgency to accomplish your XW's requests. You're holding on to it still and that means she still has power over you. Do what's right by you and people will notice your happiness.


I think you missed me, I don't do squat for XW at her request anymore, haven't in what a year and half? That's why I felt rejected and worthless, the thought that she had someone else to do that now. No, not anymore, and I won't allow the very thought that X has power over me, each and every time she may think she has found a new way, I will stand deteremined to make it known she doesn't.

Originally Posted By: Sgfan
Ugh! I really don't want to see my ex AT ALL. I just go an email from her stating that she has some of my stuff from my grandmother. I'm just going to tell her to mail it to me.
This is just another ploy to try and be 'friends.' I will absolutely NOT tolerate cake-eating.


No kids, no need. Hell even tho we have kids, I have made it very clear, we don't have to be 'friends', just parents, nothing more, nothing less.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/29/09 07:20 PM
It's understandable that you were feeling rejected about her not needing you to do anything to help her anymore because OM is there to those things. But, by your own admission, he is pretty well useless where the practical things are concerned. What exactly does he do?

In relation to that, not long after xh left I found that my gutters were totally clogged and I wasn't about to try climbing on the roof to clear them myself. I met a super nice man in my divorcecare group who is a firefighter. He and I worked something out in trade....he came to my house and cleared my gutters, brought his kids to play with Marc and I made him two homemade lasagna's (one for dinner that night, one that I froze for him to take home and cook later). Xh came by the house, wanted to 'do me a favor' and clear the gutters. HA! Joke on him! He wanted to know who did it for me and I just batted my eyes at him and told him "I have my ways." grin You should have seen the steam coming out of his ears!! smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/29/09 07:31 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
I just batted my eyes at him and told him "I have my ways." grin You should have seen the steam coming out of his ears!! smile


NICE !!!! lol

Now apply that confidence and sass all the time Mish! wink
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 09/29/09 08:23 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
It's understandable that you were feeling rejected about her not needing you to do anything to help her anymore because OM is there to those things. But, by your own admission, he is pretty well useless where the practical things are concerned. What exactly does he do?


Ohhh, see that's still the mystery, sure everybody says she's with him because he's the exact opposite, got it whatever. But I still don't understand how and why? He doesn't do jack. Car breaks, somebody else has to come fix it. The putz couldn't even change the tire on a bicycle for pete's sake. So, no not just practical, everything. And if they think they are going to live in the middle of nowhere soon with him the man of the house, ohhh boy. He was a yutz answering phones for a private construction company that he now all the sudden thinks he's a carpenter for. LOL, I've seen his handy work, and how lon git holds up too.
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 09/29/09 08:25 PM
Quote:
If I'm her yard stick and Om is based on my criteria, who the hell is the Pollock in our former marriage? I thought it was me, but on that analogy I must be wrong. Better yet, sorry Sg, I just odn't see how that is being applied. That or her judgement as has been her standards have not been set very high.


I think what SG was trying to say is that she's going to compare OM to you and they'll never match up and that's why she's going to regret what she's done.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 09/29/09 08:55 PM
Originally Posted By: volleydog

I think what SG was trying to say is that she's going to compare OM to you and they'll never match up and that's why she's going to regret what she's done.


Exactly! Maybe not right now, because she's still rebelling and will probably do so for a while. I'm not saying this will happen for sure, but in my experience, the WAW and the Om will eventually get fed up with the B/S. Either they will find another sucker or be forced to be alone and face what they have become and what they had. My XW is finally in this situation and contacting me regularly.

This does not mean we're on the road to reconciliation. But it means that she's starting to think more clearly. That a man will not solve her issues.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/02/09 06:00 PM
Well thanks for the clarification guys.

Geez, took two days away and threads were already bumped back 3 pages, we finally have some traffic in here!

Anyway, been kind of under the weather a bit. Took the kids to the Cubs game last night, figured, rain all day long, game got in all of 3 innings and then was called. The boys did enjoy the little experience they had tho, especially S11 who proclaims himself a Sox fan.

XW was as delightful as ever when I picked them up. Zero conversation. And she even had bags made up for them. So I'm like "hello, they may be off on Friday, but I'm not!". Of which, they got their mid term grades. frown She clearly does not have it under control, S11 got a D and a F is Reading/English. Uggh, not good. He's been in trouble before with his grades, but not this bad. He thought I was going to yell at him. I kept it calm and cool and made my point, he was relieved and understood.

X did text a few times to see how it was going with the game. Nothing extravagent, but at least she showed curiosity in it. She was rather peechy when I dropped them off. Said she wanted to come off the porch and talk a bit, but it was raining and sha doesn't have a umbrella and only socks on, "sorry".

Boys were as usual upset, they jsut wanted to go home with me. Apparently it's another weekend downstate and they don't want to go. I'd sure love to bail them out of it, but can't afford it and well, Xw is gonna have to suck it up at some point that they don't like it there, especially now with ickey weather.

Sg, I've been up and down that road of 'regular contact' now at least 4 times. Just know it's a dark and curvey road and one wrong move and it's back to the hateful silence. I have a feeling that she'll probably take strides for bettering contact tho. Some thing really weird is going on over there and I'm not sure what. I'd suspect it's probably something to do with her father getting tired of loafing everybody through life. The boys did make some mentions of things getting tense when he's around. Oh well time shall tell.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/05/09 12:33 PM
What a blah weekend.

Never left the house after getting in Friday night, felt terrible. Saturday wasn't much better, but installed a new eco-friendly thermostat, fired the furnace for the season and got a couple of other things off the 'to do list'. Then spent the rest of the night and yesterday just veggin out.

Never heard from the boys. frown

But, this week is going to be a turning point. Since I don't have the funding to continue to live my usual lifestyle, I'm going to use it as an excuse to change things. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not like some raging booze0hound or anything, my typical night after work is to come home, sit and and have a beer or two and then go about my night. But, it's gotten old. So, turning a new leaf this week. I've tried a few times, but something usually came up and caused a 'relapse', not this time. Nope, this time I'm going to push myself to do it, and my empty wallet helps smile

Anyway, will probably skim through everybody else's threads tonight after dinner. Lots to catch up on at work today.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/05/09 01:14 PM
Good show Dylan! Alcohol doesn't help the mood or the wallet so good work. smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/06/09 12:41 PM
LOL!

I think I gave my cousin a heart attack yesterday. When I got home, she was next door talking with the neighbor and enjoying a few beers.

When she came back later on, there I was sittin gon the patio as normal, having my 'got through the day cigarette', but...

"WTF is that?" she asks. 'Huh?'. "In your hand, wtf is that!?!". 'A soda'. hehe. I explained it was time for some changes, must have went on deaf ears as I was making dinner and she asked if I wanted a beer (test maybe?). Declined.

And finally heard from the boys for the first time since last week. Sounds as if they didn't go to school yet again yesterday and spent the day in loserville. When I asked S12 if he went to school, he was skiddish to answer. S11 upon getting on the phone asked if the school calls me when they are absent.

XW was on a tirade as normal in the background. And as normal, it was coming upon 8:30 and they had yet to eat dinner. frown

Both however said they want to just stay 'home' with me this weekend and not doing anything lavish. What's up with that? crazy But, I think the motive is to conserve cash so we can do something during the week as we used to. All I could say was, well, that depends on your mother.

Kinda getting to really look forward to seeing the shrink, but can't push myself to make the call. I'm sick of every other thought being about all this.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/06/09 07:10 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
Kinda getting to really look forward to seeing the shrink, but can't push myself to make the call. I'm sick of every other thought being about all this.


Well, finally kicked my self in the arse, first shrink appoint next Tuesday, this outta be good. She says don't worry it's only an hour. Pah! I plan on charging out the door in under 15 minutes.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 10/06/09 08:08 PM
Whenmy XW and I were in the turmoil of the separation, I used reverse-psychology and told her I didn't think she would get help. Well to spite me she went to a therapist. The therapist thought she was such a mess, the XW was instructed to come twice a week. The she was told to goto the psychiatrist and got on some meds. She was much easier to deal with, but it chjanged nothing about getting a divorce. BUT I got the satifaction of an admittance that was right. She's doing much better and I'm happy to see her getting along ok now.

If I were you, I would not expect too much. Take it day by day, move on and get out more. Hopefully communication will improve for the benfit of your children.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/06/09 08:21 PM
Heh, well Sg, psychs in school, pointless, a stint run with anti-drepressants a few years ago, pointless. BUT, I need to do something, so as we all say, when something isn't working, try something else. So why not go for the extreme, eh?

Yeah I'm getting out as best as possible, but still, D always seems to come up and muck every thing up. Plus it's usually just a bar thing, concert or what not and that's not healthy either.

On the communication front, I highly doubt it will improve, but just when I give up, something significantly changes, so we'll see. For now, there seems to not be much hope in the matter. I have S12's grades, and S11's jacket since last Thursday. Think she could even just send a text to check and see if I in fact do have them? Of course not.

She seems to think less and less about the impact of things on the kids every day and it's showing. Could care less about school and home life. Truly sad. But, I've already fired one warning shot for her to look around straighten up. The next one may very well be for the sinker. i summed it up this way in a previous conversation: She only wanted the kids for the 'paycheck', but she forgot, with a paycheck, comes work.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/07/09 01:06 PM
Well, now that my enitre system is completely cleared of impurities, an epiphany:

Dylan version, whatever it was, was corrupt upon install.

Thus, after wiping the drive clean, Dylan version 1.0 has been reinstalled, then a patch with lessons learned from the flaud prodecessors to create Dylan version 1.1 smile

My cousin is blown away that even tho I'm just a few days into it, I had ZERO desire for a beer last night. After applauding it an dI said, yeah at times it does get tough, but no, it needs to be this way; she kept testing me, 'hey, if you want one of mine, go ahead, it's just one'. Nope. Even after nearly getting the entire side of my truck re-arranged last night, no desire.

So, the reformatted version, is the clean me. Sure, I will have my entitled few on the weekend and when I go out for that rare occasion here and there, but NOT the every day ordeal, and NOT in the quantity as recently.

Why version 1.0 (upgraded?). Version 1.0 was about me. Coming from a royally messed up home life myself and on my own since 14, I have done A LOT of stupid things in my time. Then, the problem was 3-4 times worse, and it wasn't just alcohol either. But I was the only one to smack myself in the face and realize I had problems. And in doing so, I quit them all cold turkey.

So, version 1.1, thus far impliments much the same. But, with a added program of once I'm officially resolved of the alcohol issue, I should have all the confidence in the world to finally pick myself up and quit all the quesion of self worth, or if I'll ever be good enough to be with some one again, if I can ever trust someone again, and most importantly to start being more defensive and vocal of my own feelings and beliefs and all the other lessons learned through this experience.

I feel GREAT.

But, there is a virus that will have to be dealt with: 10/17.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/07/09 05:18 PM
And the games continue,

Now S11 is in risk of receiving failing grades in three quarters of his classes, including P.E. for pete's sake. Me having practically no influence in the matter, but being the only one talking with the teachers isn't much help. I guess dependent upon what the reamining teachers have to say by the end of the day, looks like the only alternative is to have a pow-wow with the school and X.

For cripes sake people, I can't say it enough, you want out of marriage, fine, but guess what, with kids involved, you are ALWAYS going to be a parent, expecially when you fought tooth and nail for custody.

Texted X, no reply, what a surprise.
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 10/07/09 05:31 PM
That really sux, at least for all my w problems we agree and converse regularly on the kids, she is a great Mom.

I wonder how much of this is the om doing?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/07/09 05:45 PM
I don't know 'dog.

I certainly know OM hasn't much input on anything where the kids are concerned, but does hamper and forbey our ability to communicate to a certain degree. My kids have been begging to sti down as a family (which, oops, sorry hon, in a way we still are) and have a stinking meal with each other. Plus you can always tell when he's around when she's on the phone.

And that just reminded me, it's Wednesday, loaf around the house day, so that's why she won't answer, probably too busy getting busy (GAG!!! sick )

Not to worry, if she chooses not to comply, she will be made to comply!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 12:52 AM
Wow, this is a first, posting at 'home' and hearing the fizzle of a soda next to me. Well I've done it with soda before, and some 'extra flavoring'. crazy

So, spoke with XW on the phone tonight much to my surprise. On the way home S12 was blowing my phone up, so I called back and got her. We kept it solely on school issues. She got timid a few times when I reminded her how S11 functions, but she kept her cool with me. Heh, she fell for every one of S11's stories, so I think that made her madder than having to hear me call her out on it.

She did try to make a casual joke at one point, but I wasn't biting. The only time we did stray off the kids was about our cat we had, apparently is on death's bed, so she is going to take it to an animal hospice (no kill).

I don't know, I think the underlying motive tho was not only to comply with my complaint a few weeks ago, but I think her conscience is getting to her in light of what would have been our 11th anniverary next Saturday and the fact it will be the last on "sweetest day" for some time as when we got married. Heck we've endured 2 years in row with it on the same exact day now, stupid leap year.

So, that's all I got. Sober as they come and content for the night. Full too, I lost count of how many tacos I ate. smirk I'm supposed to be seeing the shrink for weight loss associated with stress of the D, but at this point, I feel as big as a house. smile
Posted By: VeronicaV Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 01:05 AM
Dylan,

Just wanted to stop by and thank you for welcoming me to the forum. I will have to get caught up on your thread soon.

V.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 01:14 AM
lol, VV, you'll have to clear up time on the calander for that.

But, you are welcome none the less, my pleasure.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 01:52 AM
heh, so now S12 finally calls me back, 9pm and they are just eating dinner. Lot of soft tone to him, something's arye, not sure what frown
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 02:32 PM
I have to share a damn good laugh.......

So when I was talking with S11 about his lack luster performance in school thus far, one subject matter was his tanking grade in P.E. for not completing his weekly workbook assignments. As of yesterday his teacher indicated he was missing all 3 thus far.

His story: "No, it's only one, I swear to God, I put my book on the teachers desk last week instead of in her 'inbox', I swear, she either didn't see it or forgot to grade it!".

I said, are you sure? As of noon today, you're missing all 3.

"Yes, I swear".

Told him fine, I will reply to the teacher then accordingly.

Reply from teacher this morning (this is a direct cut and poste from the e-mail):

"Funny thing about his comment, he is not allowed anywhere near my desk as it is in the girls' locker room - they just give them to me."

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucy! dgu gots some essplannen to do!!!
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 02:58 PM
That is awesome...I hope you post his response...If I had to guess I'm going with he gave it to a girl to put on the teachers desk and the girl must have lost it.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 03:07 PM
OMG! Priceless!!!!!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 03:41 PM
Yeah, he is BUSTED for sure.

Unfortunately, XW is going to have the joy of first round with him, as I conveyed the incoddent to her via text, dang it! But that's just me the cooperative parent I am.

Was shocked X actually replied. So I guess she's taking some initiative finaly to work together? I won't get my hopes up on that.

In another incoddent involving S11, a brand new $50 winter coat I just bought him was "stolen from his locker". Upon hearing this story he was intructed by both myself and XW to go to the principals office and file a report which he claimed last night he did. I said I would follow up this morning.

Miraculously, now it's "S12 stole the coat and left it in the lunch room". Eh heh, that's ranking at maximum peg on the b/s meter.

My gosh that kid cracks me up. If he put half the effort into his work as he does these stories, he'd be an honor student. smirk
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 04:54 PM
I think S11 is going to have to seriously consider a career in politics or law.... smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/08/09 05:18 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
I think S11 is going to have to seriously consider a career in politics or law.... smile


Ready for this?

He had to write a 'biography' of himself for English class, and his "dream career" IS to be a lawyer so can bill people rediculous amounts of money. crazy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/09/09 04:03 PM
So.........

Just quick to update, day 5 of being clean and all is well and feel GREAT!

Don't know what to do with the boys this weekend but we'll wing it. And of course in light of S11's story hour this week, S12 will do all the chosing and S11 is just a ride along. Time to learn lying gets you no-where buddy.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/09/09 04:07 PM
GOOD JOB D! I'm sure you'll find something fun to do with them. Of course, there is a bit of a rumble in the bayou tomorrow that should make for SERIOUS entertainment!
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 10/10/09 03:58 AM
Bravo for the not drinking!! I'm sure whatever you do w/your boys, they will be happy to spend time w/you.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/10/09 09:33 PM
Congrats on your recent sobriety! smile I'm sure you're having a great time this weekend with the kids!!! Just being with them is such joy. (Can you tell I get them next weekend?) smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 01:48 PM
Ohhh man, my post didn't go through. mad

Well, the short version:

Had a quiet weekend with the boys after a rough time picking them up on Friday. First off, my great mood of the week and day was trashed as now OM is driving 'our' car. I know it shouldn't get to me, but none the less it did. The S11 was in a rotten mood and very disrespectful to XW then me, so I kind of let him have it and it got ugly from there.

After getting him simmered down and the boys got in the car I confronted XW that I think it's time she start dropping them off by me. It's been 4 times in a row now that some bit and piece of a life taken away from me is being man-handled by someone else (meaning OM) and that although she's obviously so easily over everything, I'm not, I still hurt and will for some time. I know, I shouldn't of said it and it flew out before I realised what I was saying, but, I did.

She had this dumbfounded look, like she wanted to cry, but then wanted to smile, and it was one of those ackward smiles, like a 'I'm glad you said that smirk, coupled with a sinister grin.

She did say she wanted to talk more with me, but doesn't want to fight. I said there's nothing left to fight over anymore between us, IT'S OVER. All there is the boys.

Uggh, I feel like such a dummy for being so open and letting her know I'm still stuck.

Heh, my cousin, her friend and I broke out the Quija board Friday night after the boys went down. Supposidly, I'm going to get my personal belongings back within 2 months and XW and I are going to get back together. Don't see that happening anytime soon. Plus, she seems a bit confused. S11 had his assignment notebook and I peaked at it. XW who was sooooooo quick to get rid of name can't remember who she is. One day she signs her maiden name, the next day mine. crazy
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 03:35 PM
Hey, Dday,

Don't try to read too much in the ex's use of her last name. If your last name is the same as your S's, then that is the likely reason she continues to revert back to it for herself -- to associate herself with your children, not you.

Stuck sucks, don't it? Well, it's a process -- this getting unstuck; and it takes time -- often much more time than we had originally imagined.

But, yeah, I hate it when they think they've got you pinned down like that.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 04:04 PM
Ney NCB.

You know, hindsight 20/20, I guess I just went clean to avoid bottling up my true feelings and them having them release in some sort of negative way later on as I have often done. Plus, she's clearly left the building long before Elvis did, so I don't see harm in what I said. She's done, she's out and I should be too, just haven't found a way to fully let it go yet. Probably never truly will. But 'pinned', no. I have a couple of options now to go about my life and I so want to embark upon them. But my dumbarse just keeps looking back over my shoulder at what was and making sure she's 100% comitted to what she's chosen.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 04:48 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
But my dumbarse just keeps looking back over my shoulder at what was and making sure she's 100% comitted to what she's chosen.
Really? If she did decide at this point she wanted back with you, what would you do? I couldn't see myself ever being able to do that, b/c of the loss of trust and other stuff we've gone through. Being vulnerable with them and getting hurt over and over, you know...
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 05:16 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
Really? If she did decide at this point she wanted back with you, what would you do?


I really, really don't know. crazy

It would obviously be a COMPLETE restart. The R and M we had is dead and buried. At least in my mindset. Her negativity towards me says that it's probably not so yet on her end, but each time I tell her 'it's over' she seems to let go more and more.

I guess the problem lies in that eye contact. That's where I faultered Friday. I have normally not butt my way in when she's having an issue with one of the kids, but S11 was being downright nasty to her and I couldn't take it. She knows I do my best to get my point across with them and not have to get loud about it, but I had no choice. The look in her eyes afterward could be summed as thankful with a hint of admiriation. And when I spilled it all out there, those eyes just affixed on mine and there's just that feeling that has NEVER left. That feeling of 'who are you? You facinate me, and I connect with you' just has never been erased. Even at our most heated times, it was always there and I know I can trust it. Like I've said, I've never gotten the 'i love you, but I'm not in love with you speech', NEVER.

So, I don't know. It would take a long, long time, IF it were every possible. And that "IF" is not dependent upon me. I do know, should that "IF" never get a chance, we'll always regret what we've done.

And before it starts, no, I'm not back-sliding. And no, I'm not on a downhill ride. It's always been like this.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 05:45 PM
Quote:
But 'pinned', no.


No, I didn't think you were necessarily. What I meant is when the ex thinks thinks that they have you pinned down like that.

It's almost as if they want and needto think you're still stuck and suffering for them. It's like a weird sadism on their part, as well as a source of pride too.

xW continues to mistake my concerns for our sons' interests as being jealous of her or wanting her back. It really doesn't make any sense sometimes, but it's like she clings to that notion. In fact it also at the same time makes her angry that I am supposedly not recognizing her independence from me. She can't seem to understand that if I have let her go, it does not in any way mean I am letting my S's go. Ever.

I've long ago given up trying to explain myself. I don't care if she figures it out or not anymore, except where the resulting friction makes it difficult for us to co-parent our kids.


Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 05:56 PM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
[quote]
It's almost as if they want and needto think you're still stuck and suffering for them. It's like a weird sadism on their part, as well as a source of pride too.


I think that's part of the script they have. I've seen that too. I think it'll be a good thing for them (to face reality) when you start dating.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 06:02 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
[quote=NoCodeBlues]
Quote:

It's almost as if they want and needto think you're still stuck and suffering for them. It's like a weird sadism on their part, as well as a source of pride too.


I think that's part of the script they have. I've seen that too. I think it'll be a good thing for them (to face reality) when you start dating.


Well, I would certainly say it's an ego boost. I mean to sit there and think "hey, cool, I did all this stuff to this person, left them for dead for so-and-so and yet they still can't get over me! I must be something really special!".
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 08:22 PM
Ok, well it's off to see if they can physically find a loose screw in my head with yet another CT scan. crazy

Then tomorrow, it's the "big show" with the shrink, yea. frown
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/12/09 08:25 PM
No sad faces there Dylan! Shrinks aren't all bad!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/13/09 01:14 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
No sad faces there Dylan! Shrinks aren't all bad!


Yeah, ok. My stomach already sank this morning and like a little wuss cried half way into work this morning. There's a lot of doors I have that need to stay shut and my brief experience with these people is that they are like a 4 year old in a different house, they are so damn curious and start going from one closed door to the next to see what's behind them.

In trying to summarize what lurks behind each one, it's what defines me, one bad experience after another, but I need it, I survived it, but I'm sick of surviving, and I'm surely can't put on the show anymore that Im fine when I'm not. I've been doing this crap for 25 years at least and I'm just done. I'm so tired of this one day I'm great and the next I'm crap. Just done. I can't believe I let my guard down so much to get myself in to this situation. I should have NEVER gotten married, and I should have NEVER had kids. Proclomations I made a long, long time ago, and one marriage, 2 kids, and a god damn divorce later here I am.

Sorry, prepratory rant.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/13/09 02:47 PM
No apologies for ranting D. That's what we're here for.

Now....stop the NEVER and EVER statements! Stop them right now. That fatalistic attitude is keeping you where you are. Why do I know this? I USE THE SAME STATEMENTS!

Yes, shrinks open those doors. They open them because the things hidden behind them have to be let out into the light of day. Trust me, it's not pretty and there will be a lot more tears before you get to the happy, but they are all worth it. Every week I walk into therapy with the determination not to cry this week. I cry every time, apologize to the therapist for my breakdown, and she reminds me that I have to let it out and crying is my medium for that.

I too have a lot of things hidden deep inside that I don't share with anyone but she is pulling them out of me one at a time. I am finally opening up some old wounds and that is healing them. They were full of poison that had been sealed inside when I let it scar over. No more. They are getting out. It continues to amaze me how one horrible experience really defined the rest of my life even though I was sure I wasn't letting it. Never try to be your own therapist! It definitely doesn't work.

You are going to make it through this. Give it an honest chance Dylan. Just think....they can't make it any worse than it is and in the long run you will grow and mature in ways you thought were impossible.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/13/09 03:36 PM
Well, there in lies the problem in my opinion. I need those old wounds. They remind me of who I bacame, what I've endured, who not not to become and most importantly, how what I do effects my kids. What I don't need is the vile venom injected in them by a person whom I entrusted my everything to. A person who took that everything away and cursed me the same horrid things done by the last two people whom I've completely x'd out of my life since I was so non-desireable to theirs. I just want her out of my head, but that can't possibly happen. It's just all so confusing. Worst of all, I'm spending money on this that I don't have, so something better become of it.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/13/09 03:44 PM
What you get out of it will depend on the attitude you go into it with. If you go in there expecting them to hurt your more than help then that is what will happen.

Decide that it will be helpful and beneficial to talk through your issues and it will be!
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/13/09 04:28 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
Well, there in lies the problem in my opinion. I need those old wounds. They remind me of who I bacame, what I've endured, who not not to become and most importantly, how what I do effects my kids.
I don't think you can ever lose those experiences and how they affect you today. I mean, I know the hardest, toughest things in my life have made me who I am and generally a stronger person. But it's also good not to shut stuff inside and not deal with it. I tend to be a stuffer by nature, so instead of getting angry or whatever emotion I should be expressing, I just stuff it inside and get migraines. In 2007, when I was going through X's EA/PA I was having them basically every day at that point!!! Now it's prob. about once a month...

When I first started going to therapy about 18 months ago, I would go in and cry the whole time. Then I just cried less and less every time, until I had pretty much expressed a lot of the sadness and anger I had bottled up inside really for most of my life. I think maybe I had to do that to get to the point where I now feel a lot healthier and happier...
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/13/09 04:48 PM
Thanks ladies, I'll do my best to keep my outlook positive. What really gets to me right now, today especially is reading through all you situations and your XHs are being complete douche-nozzles when it comes down to being a father and here I sit missing the hell out of my kids everyday and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it and someone else has been slid in to my place. Yeah, "I'm not good enough", I'm "such a horrible person", when all I care about is those kids.

I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be for those kids now to be riding around with that POS driving one of 'our' cars. Funny she claims it as 'hers', I can only wonder how many times the kids have slipped up and said are we taking "dad's car" since I'm the one that drove it all the time. crazy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/13/09 08:41 PM
Well,

Here goes nothing (but another co-pay crazy )
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/14/09 02:04 AM
Well that was interesting.

Psych starts right into "are you comfortable being here?", ummm no.

This one was just a 'background session', but none the less, those "doors" were peaked into and psych did not like what was behind them. We of course dabbled into the crappy lull of my existance thanks to my "parents" who threw me on my arse at the ripe age of 14, oh, completely forgot to mention my GF in high school who killed herself, then of course took a trip down memory lane of the last 12 years, especially the last few.

So once again I'm on 'suicide watch'. WTF? Why is it people can't deal with their own problems and not be labeled as potential dangers to themselves? I've 'endured too much traumatic experience'. Yeah, well it's called divorce. It aint supposed to be fun, anybody here have fun.

I did give a kudos moment to MWD, the book and especially the community here. I would have lost all my sanity a long time ago if wasn't for here.

None the less, she did get a bit deep on some things, and much like me, even in light of all I confessed, I did nothing to deserve where I am today. And that's pretty much the objective goal now. Since I will probably never hear the real reasons first hand from XW as to what the heck makes her think I deserved all this, we'll just have to try and figure it out.

And, as usual, psych was beside herself that after all this, I still love my X. I was beside myself when asked to describe her and nothing but all the good came flying out. Like all this has been some bad dream.

Uggh, this is going to be long road. But atleast the first steps up it have been taken. What good all of it will do? Don't know yet. I seriously don't think any good can transpire without the first hand rationale of XW.

Whole thing just makes me sick, literally. At least I was able to make all the way across campus back to my truck, got in and just snapped, cried like a little school girl. When I got in, my cousin asked if I felt any better, truth in the matter, no, I feel worse.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/14/09 04:30 AM
Quote:
When I got in, my cousin asked if I felt any better, truth in the matter, no, I feel worse.


Umm....yeah. Didn't I warn you about that? Yes, I think so...right here.
Quote:
Trust me, it's not pretty and there will be a lot more tears before you get to the happy, but they are all worth it. Every week I walk into therapy with the determination not to cry this week. I cry every time, apologize to the therapist for my breakdown, and she reminds me that I have to let it out and crying is my medium for that.


smile

It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile in life is easy.

I'm not sure I understand this statement though.

Quote:
I seriously don't think any good can transpire without the first hand rationale of XW.


What exactly does she have to do with anything? This is not about her and why she did what she did. Not really. This is about you and your reactions to it. You are giving that woman FAR too much power over your wellbeing. STOP IT!

Ok, so deep down in a dark hole inside you still harbor love for her. Guess what? I'll bet every last person here has the same feeling. I know for a fact there is a part of me that still loves Gabe and always will, but he is not my H anymore, he destroyed our family and that can never be fixed. I love him, but only because of shared history, a mutual story, and our son. When I see him I see the misery in his eyes. It used to hurt me to see it because I knew it didn't have to be there if he would just wake up and figure out what he did to get himself in this situation. Now, the same misery is there but it no longer pains me. He's made his bed, now he gets to wallow in the filth of it! smile

It's good that you can tell someone the good things about your xw. But you also need to expound on the bad. Please tell me you aren't about to make her out to be some sort of saint in front of the psych. That won't do you a bit of good. None of this is getting back to your xw you know.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/14/09 04:31 AM
Oh yeah, forgot to mention.....it royally blows that your parents kicked you out at such a young age. If I may ask, where did you live after that? Also, the high school gf suicide blows, but you aren't blaming yourself for not saving her are you?

Things to be worked through with the psych no doubt.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/14/09 12:41 PM
No, I do not blame myself for the GF. I touched on that story here somewhere, but in a nutshell she had some serious issues with herself and pushed me away. I let her have her space and then when talking to a mutual friend I was told she decided to strol in front of a train and that was that. Her mother assured me I was one of the best things to happen to her and that's what I took with me.

As far as where did I go? Where else was there to go? I started off in streets, then got mixed in with a crowd and stayed from place to place until I weesled my way into a job and went from there. The rejection from my family was just too much at the time so I knew I couldn't call upon anybody in the regard, so I winged it all on my own. [EDIT- And that is what is amking this all so difficult is XW knows first hand how hard I had worked to build up to where I was and just take it all away from me with zero regard]

I know the therapy is not going to be, nor certainly any fun. No, I did not paint my XW the saint, nor myself. I touched on her faults and mine equally. We did not get into my personal feelings of OM too much as she can tell that is a very sour spot with me.

I don't think personally think I'm giving XW 'power over me', but maybe from outside looking in that may be so. My rationale is that this would be w whole lot easier to get past in just knowing the whys. There are more than enough stories on here, much the same as mine, where the H finally realises that he was not supportive enough, caring enough, basically down right selfish in his own self, and I certainly fit that mold. However, I did nor do desrve the way this all came out. I do not deserve to be cut out of our kids lives daily lives completely and abruptly replaced the way I have been. In the thick of it all, XW should have known the kids were always my number one priority. Especially when S12 as she blantantly puts it 'isn't even mine'. {EDIT- And yet she cast me out like some of these real piece of work "fathers" in some of these stories]

Then there's back to the issue of parents. Since I never really had any, MIL and FIL over time grew themselves into that position. And now they're gone. I have no social network as everyone I knew sided with whatever story XW conjoured up to paint me the evil one. And as I've said, anyone who can side with her after all she's done is someone I don't need in my life, period.

It's a big mess, but, I'm going to soldier through it. Biggest challange right now is making it through Saturday. Then at next weeks apointment I'm going to address how to handle the situation when I pick up the kidsa s that's the only time my emotions really get the better of me lately.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/14/09 03:30 PM
Oh my,

Sooooo, there's this person of interest whom I've been quite skidish of. Long story short, IF anything were to transpire, it would most likely end up being very serious and she is A LOT like XW was in every aspect those years ago. Hence, she kind of really scares me in a way. I mean so bad that I can't make eye contact with her for more than a few seconds at a time.

Anyway, we bumped into each other in the hall an dshe starts laughing and tell me about this dream she had last night that involved my 2 sons and her daughter and us camping and fishing together an delaborates on some really funny things the kids did that I could definately see mine doing and rather funny yet embaressing mishaps that I am prone to, especially in nature. What in the world does that mean?
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/14/09 04:36 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798


Then there's back to the issue of parents. Since I never really had any, MIL and FIL over time grew themselves into that position. And now they're gone. I have no social network as everyone I knew sided with whatever story XW conjoured up to paint me the evil one. And as I've said, anyone who can side with her after all she's done is someone I don't need in my life, period.

You have to make a new one. I think my friends here, my new church (X told me he got custody of our old church!), and my theatre friends have really helped me through this. You need to go out and find that network, maybe sports-related or whatever your interests are of course.

Mish, I'll admit it, way way deep deep down, I think I probably still have love for my X. But who he was the first 20 years, not the last 3. Who he is today is not someone I would want to date or be friends with or my kids associating with or anything like that.

D, not our fault but I think some of us here have low self-esteem or don't think maybe we deserve the best in our relationships. I think I've been guilty of that some, plus I'm a caretaker type so drawn to messed-up people. I do really want to work on that, and make sure I don't keep doing that over and over...
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/14/09 04:49 PM
My instincts tells me you shouldn't push it. If someone reminds you too much of your ex or how your ex once was, there's a reason for that. All too often we get involved with someone just like our former spouses -- the battlefields of are littered with the accounts of such failed R's.

Dday, given that you're still expressing some non too dispassionate sentiments about your former spouse, perhaps you need to think more along the lines of friendships with other folks, and nothing serious -- stay "casual", in other words. At least until you've gotten some more time in C'ing under your belt and can view things in your old R with more indifference. You seem to have a few too many strings tieing you to your ex for now, and the jitters you're feeling are natural.

Does that make any sense? (My two cents, LOL.)
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/14/09 05:15 PM
NCB,

I was I guess just journalizing that little encounter. Trust me, I know I have things to work out and thus am on a 'look no touch' basis with that one, until I feel right and the C has helped work some of those "strings" loose.

But, the similarities are suffice it to say there, and no, not not becasue 'I see her as XW'. We've knwon each other for 5 years so even when XW was still very much my W I saw the stiking similarities. It was kind of creepy having the 2 of them in the same room at times. They knew they were like each other and there was this anomosity usually spear headed by XW. Heh, now that I think about it, after their first meeeting XW said to stay away from her after I questioned what all the tension was about.

So, your two cents are taken and notion already contemplated. She had shown interest to talk more on personal levle when news of the S broke here at work. And since then, I've always said, no-way until I know I'm ok. Heck, I normally even oppose the very concept of dating a co-worker. But she is very interesting, very fun to be with, big hearted and well, I'm always was a sucker for a red-head. wink

No worries, as said, really just journalizing the moment it really picked me up after the whole ordeal last night with the C.

Anyway, on the issue of 'social networking', I've always sucked at it. I'm not really into sprots at al. I mean, I'll play, sure, but to sit there and watch a bunch a millionaires play a game for a living and make it a conversation topic, just isn't me. Meh, I'll have to figure something out on that front one of these days. I'd suspect the C to be recommending some type of 'meet up group' or something. We'll see.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 12:47 AM
Danger Will Robinson, Danger.......

Got one (that's singular) call from S12 on my voice mail when I was leaving work today. That is NOT like him, he will blow my phone up and text like crazy until I answer. All he said was he wanted to know if I was out of work yet. crazy

As I drove past "her house" on the way home, our, correction "her" car was out front. Must be nice to not have to work.

With 2 short days left in the countdown, I think as they say: 'business is about to pick up'.

What the heck could the possibly want now? Last year we were at least still "married" when our anniversary rolled around and there were lies surrounding it. And yet, even then, she claimed to "want to do something" but yet return "home" to OM at the end of the night? Get bent. Seriously, get school bus demolition derby bent.

Arragh, I really, really would love a beer right about now. frown
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 06:07 PM
Hope you passed on the beer! I'm taking my hijack back onto your thread!

I understand what you're saying, but I do think if kids have one good parent (which they do in your case) they will turn out alright. I was raised by my single dad (mom died when I was 4) and my brother and I turned out fine. I had him as a good role model to follow. I think at some point you just have to help your boys realize that their mom has no interest in doing stuff with you and them for whatever reasons, and not bothering to go down the cheeseless tunnel of asking her over and over only to hear no.

I hope you understand I just say b/c I consider you a good friend (even though we've never met!).
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 07:07 PM
Yer, I passed on the beer, and the Maragarita mix was eimtting some Mexican chant that I had to block out when I was putting stuff away? crazy

Anyway, I wouldn't be so concerned of the boys outcome IF they were with me as they should have been. However, they are under her "care" 90% of the time, so my 10% is pretty hard pressed to be the best parent I can be with that time. Sorry about your Mom. I will say however, the death of parent, and the break up of a family are two entirely different experiences although tramatic in their own respects, but entirely different.

Truth be known, I think it's been almost a month now I haven't directly asked anything of her on the matter. I think I last left it at she knew she was welcome to join and left it at that. So, I think I'm out of that tunnel.

Thanks Karen, I can use all the friends I can get.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 07:24 PM
Quote:
Yer, I passed on the beer, and the Maragarita mix was eimtting some Mexican chant that I had to block out when I was putting stuff away?


OMG Dylan! You are TOO funny! Your wit just cracks me up. smile

Quote:
I will say however, the death of parent, and the break up of a family are two entirely different experiences although tramatic in their own respects, but entirely different.


True. My dad died when I was 15. I thought he hung the moon and walked on water. So did my mom. Traumatizing in a different way.

You sound good D. Proud of you for passing on the beer and the margaritas. That is really hard stuff to give up.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 07:49 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
You sound good D. Proud of you for passing on the beer and the margaritas. That is really hard stuff to give up.


Thanks hon, now only if the head doc would just BELIEVE, that would be a whole different story. She gave me this scornful (I'm call'n b/s) look, "you've been intaking how much for how long and just stopped?". Um, yeah, it's easy when you say to yourself enough is enough. Keeping up with it can be rough at times, but hey.

So, yeah, me and my vivid little imagination will be back at the bar ordering a hair of the dog that bit me....................

In dream land of course. cool
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 07:56 PM
As long as it's in dreamland, that's cool. smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 08:17 PM
LOL, a lot can happen in dream land.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 08:24 PM
Don't I know it! blush
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 08:32 PM
Well, that was a mood kill, NCB has to go and gloat how "I'm a going to the race this weekend", that I've been trying to get to for 3-4 weeks now! Now my dreamland is going to be preoccupied with kick'n his arse!

Freddy Fudging Fuddrucker!!!!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 08:33 PM
Ok...showing how dumb I am..........what race? I assume it's something NASCAR related which would be why I have no clue!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 08:38 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Ok...showing how dumb I am..........what race? I assume it's something NASCAR related which would be why I have no clue!


ding-ding-ding

We have a wienner!

And No Code, you know I'm just kidding, well, maybe, nah, I'm stil gonna kick your arse tonight. Geeez! lol
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 08:58 PM
So.....which race is it? Edumacate me. smile

Hey...what was that screeching halt comment on my thread? I'm confused (no surprise there!)
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/15/09 11:41 PM
Nascar, It will be race #5 in "The Chase" for the season champ. They started doing the chase format in 2003 to spruce things up to compete with other sports. So, after 26 races the top 12 drivers (used to be 10) are locked in to a chapionship battle and the season points for them are essentially re-set for the final 10 races of the year. Before, the season could ahve been over in the first 10 races of the year if one particular driver just domintaed. And, like in 2002, the driver that won the season, never one a single race all year, just had good consistant finishes.

Then you have the drivers, one is Mark Martin, 50 years old and racing for 27 years, retired and came back trying to get his all elusive championship title that he's come oh so close so many times. Then there's Tony Stewart, doing the unbelievable in 'starting' his own team(s) and being a championship contender in it's first year (not very easy to do). Then of course there's Jimmy Johnson going for title #4 (and 3rd in a row), and Jeff Grodon (blah) still trying for #5.

So not only is it an 'important' race as the top 4 drivers are still only but handful of points apart, but it's at night, which is always more fun, and the Charlotte track has a bit of history to it as well.

That's it in a nutshell.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/16/09 01:13 AM
Hey, Dylan, why is it that you're not going again? (Hey, I knew you were just kiddin' earlier.)

My boys are the ones really torqued up for this. I'm a little more casual about paved oval racing -- I'm more into rally and road-course circuits myself (WRC, F1, GT, etc.) Still I'm a little disappointed that my man, Matt Kenseth, didn't make it for the cup. And my boys are going to be peeved that Junior's not in the running for it either. I like Martin and Stewart and Biffle, but I guess I don't really have a dog in the fight -- just so long as Gordon doesn't win I'll be happy. wink

Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/16/09 12:40 PM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
just so long as Gordon doesn't win I'll be happy. wink


AMEN!

Doesn't look good for him unless he pulls a massive rabbit from you know where, and the bad news is his last 7 finishes at Charlotte have been improving. shocked

Hey, Martin is still VERY much in it, I'm pulling for him, I remember watching his rookie season and the battles with Big E, Waltrip, Rusty and later on Burton, so after 27 years, it be nice to see him finally pull it off. It would also be nice to see Stewart do it as a first time owner/driver, but since the power plant is oh, gee big surprise, Hendrick, it's not too much a feat in the long term reality of it. HMS has there arms all around the R09 motor and they are tough to beat. Oh, and after Charlotte, the rest of the tracks, Stewart has good performances at.

Kenseth, well, what in the blue heck happened to the ENTIRE Roush stable? Something went seriously awry there. They need to get out on some non-sanctioned tracks and figure out what in the wrold is wrong, whether it's the equipment or all the personel changes they made over there. Something is seriously mis-firing in that camp and Roush is going to be just about the only team running Fords next season. I would suspect the former Gillete-Evernham teams to swtich to Ford next year since they dropping Dodge, but if I were them, I'd be looking at Roush's perfomance since all Fords in the circuit pretty much run a Roush-Yates power plant, and I would be very skeptical about that. Geesh, imagine nearly 75% of the field being all Hendrick power? That's scary.

JR? Well, I can't honestly say what in the world is the story there. First it was DEI's equipment "being dated", then the tension with Theresa, then, switching over to Hendrick which should of been a slam dunk move, eh-eh, not when you continually argue with your crew chief(s) over pit strategy. The most logical concept for him is stating to float around in the past couple of weeks: a swap, releasing Kevin Harvick from RCR who is no longer "happy Harvick" there, has always sought to have all conection of the #3 removed from the car, and let Jr. ride it out at RCR.

So that's my take in a nutshell.

Why couldn't I go? Well, I can't even affor dgas to get back and forth to work, so a plane ticket and hotel, didn't look none to promissing and it was sort of last minute when I saw how low the ticket prices were.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/16/09 12:59 PM
Anyway, in other news.

Trying to keep my head clear today. The morning got off to a bad start, just thinking about the events and my checklist of this day 11 years ago. It's really hard to keep it off mind whent eh weather is exactly the same as it was then, cold and raining.

Seems like it was yesterday, hasn't been so clear in my mind in quite some time. All the last minute running around when right about now I would have been returning home from working overnight, took a cat nap, then started running around, making sure the flower order was coming along, tuxedos were being picked up, and the best man stayed sober crazy. Then we had planned to use my Camaro, but thought better of it due to the weather and her trying to get in and out witht hte dress just wasn't going to happen. So we had this POS Mercury Marquis we had picked up not too long ago, and I spent the day , washing, waxing, detailing, replacing the thermostat and brakes attempting to get it road worthy.

Hah, what a fun time?

Then the sad part kicks in: Is she even giving ANY thought to any of this too? Or is just going to be another typical party time Saturday for her? Probably. I don't think any of it means anything to her anymore, and that's fine, that's her perogative not mine. Just one more thing to teach the kids as things move along.

Welp, someway, somehow, I'm going to soldier through the next 48 hours and come out best I can.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/16/09 01:48 PM
And in ironic news:

10/17 will not fall on a Saturday again, and "sweetest day at that as well" until 2015, a mid point in which the long lasting financial effects of the D will be coming to a close.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/16/09 02:42 PM
Yes, Roush has a lot of soul-searching to do. They need to do a serious post-mortem on this season to figure out what's gone wrong.

I hate to say it but I'm thinking Jimmie's got it locked up again. I like him and all, but I tend to root for the underdogs anyway. That's why I'd like Martin to get in there.

I kinda' favor Biffle too, (and this might be wrong of me) mainly because he was so "helpful" in showing the young punk Logano the proper "etiquette" to racing. LOL. smirk

(I guess I don't appreciate these hotshot rookies who show no respect, they remind me too much of how Gordon got to be so controversial. Snot-nosed punks. Biffle was the same once upon a time, but he had his own "training" to get him in line.)

My kids like Junior mainly because he's the son of the 'timidator. I wish he'd just get his act together, but I don't say anything to S8 and S4.

...

I know what you mean about the cost of making a trip. I've only got a 3-hour drive, but the gas and hotel costs, even with corporate discounts, are going to mean a lean month for me. (Not to mention Halloween coming up real soon -- costume prices alone are ridiculous, and for what? Some superficial, flimsy bit of cloth that my kids might wear but once?)

Lots of peanut butter and other cheap meals for us the next couple of paydays. But I see this as a mini-vacation, a consolation prize for not being able to take a proper full week of time at some big theme park or other tourist destination. And like I said, my two love cars.

But enough about racing.

...

Try not to dwell on the anniversary, Dylan. I know that's easier said than done (believe me, I do.) Find some other thing to insert as an event for this weekend, some special activity for you yourself -- make it your own.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/16/09 06:47 PM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
Try not to dwell on the anniversary, Dylan. I know that's easier said than done (believe me, I do.) Find some other thing to insert as an event for this weekend, some special activity for you yourself -- make it your own.


I know, I said since the month started, I would give it a 45 minute acknowledgement. But, as with every day I wake, the first thought that pops in my head, is "could today be the day of the impossible?", the last few have been plagued with wondering if she even remembers it. I know folks around her have to be bugging her. In the good times, she would make everybody stop what they were doing and call or send a text almost every day at 10:17 am&pm to say "happy anniversary" (yes things were that 'corny', I used to think she was crazy and sometimes annoying, now I miss it ever so much). So, I know the reminders are there (as if 2 kids weren't enough), but chances are, she's probably just talking sh!t about me now anyway, you know the dirty rotten H I Was to her all through the years.

So be it. whistle
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/16/09 08:49 PM
Yes, then, so be it...

It's the lesson we all need to have repeated for us from time to time: You cannot control another human being, you can only control yourself. Don't worry so much about your ex and what she might be saying or thinking, because there's really nothing anyone else can do about it.

I too have worried incessantly -- particularly prior to the custody hearing -- about what my xW has been saying to neighbors, friends, our S's teachers and caregivers about me. The best we can hope for is that we get our chance some day to set the record straight, otherwise what can be done?

The comforting thought is that God does know the truth, whatever false witness someone brings against us.

That's not to say it still doesn't hurt to have our character and the character of our M/R slandered. Or to hear the truth gutted and shredded by people we once trusted upon the altar of self-deception and self-interest. And it takes a lot more patience and humility to not respond in kind than I would have imagined as well.

Still, we're supposed to learn to not let that get us down. It's a road, a long road...
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/18/09 02:53 PM
And so, I survived.

The virus instilled in version 1.1 was not all that hostile. Started the weekend by going out with my cousin and her girlfriend Friday night for some pizza and beers, lol, when we came back home we both passed out on her friend, pretty funny, yeah we're not 'big people' any more. My cousin is a pretty habitual beer drinker too, and now that I'm absentee from that practice during the weeek, that has slowed her up, which is good.

Funny, her grilfriend always has her hair tied up in some weird fasion or another which makes her look like 5 years older than she really is. I know at some point Friday night I wanted to make a comment about it as I can't stand when good looking people do silly things to their hair and make them look funny. I must have, because at the end of the night it was down, as well as the next morning when she stopped by for a few minutes.

Anyway, then there was yesterday, the "big day". I did my 45 minute tribute for probably the final time. I slipped only once and sent XW a picture text ofmy champaigne glass and the bottle side by side, with the caption "wish it were the same". I reflected on only the good times, for the most part, and it was nice to burst out in laughter amongst the tears.

Never heard one lick from XW, nothing. Only a random call and text from S12 Friday night that sounded completely rehearsed.

So, that says it all for me. That ship has done set sail. I wish her well on her endeavors, but it is seriously time to close up the harbor in my heart to no longer be her port of call. She doesn't want it anyway. Goodness, you think she'd take 5 seconds out of her busy new life to acknowledge a great life we had, or at leasst so I thought it was.

I did something for myself, all be it stupid, at 4:15 wehn time was up, I put my ring on and wore it until exactly 10:17pm, then put it away. Ironically, the hinge on my ring box exploded when I closed it up. Huh, omen?

So, it's done and over. I'm gong to request the psych help me just shue XW out of mind once and for all on Tuesday. It's time. I've always been about the stats with this thing. The 6 month stat that the WAS would start to get confused was dead on. And I think even the amount of months seperated compared to years together was there too. But now, it's well exceeded and now, it truly is what is, and there's no fixing this. Thus, I need the psych to get in me head and find that last little par of me that still holds out hope for some dumb reason and dispose of it once and for all.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/18/09 08:42 PM
Ummmm...Dylan....the psych can't really help you get her out of your head. You have to do that all for yourself. They might be able to give you some exercises to do and guidance, but you know it's all up to you.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/19/09 01:13 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Ummmm...Dylan....the psych can't really help you get her out of your head. You have to do that all for yourself. They might be able to give you some exercises to do and guidance, but you know it's all up to you.


Yeah, but I'm jsut not doing a very good job of it. Everytime I thought I had ended up in a crash and burn. So atleast for the time being, it's easier to KNOW I haven't and spare myself the self lecturing of saying I had.

Anywho................

Did some running around with my cousin yesterday afternoon. No sooner that we got settled in, my phone rings, it's XW's number, S12. Apparently XW had sent pictures of the boys Halloween costumes, but my lovely AT&T service hadn't gotten them yet, so I had no clue what they were talking about. Then, S11 got on the phone. Apparently he knew he was 'sick' Friday morning and didn't want to go to school so that he wouldn't get anyone else sick. He's learned from me working in a medical center that with things going around the way they are, if you truly feel sick, STAY HOME. Well, XW made him go to school, and no sonner than his first class he was sent to the nurse's office. They contacted XW to get him out of the school, but all the while he wanted me to come get him and take him to the doctor, XW denied it. Xw didn't take him anywhere until YESTERDAY. Nice.

So, S11 then asked if I had gotten the pictures yet, I said no. Then he asked if I had really sent the picture I did to XW on Saturday. I said yeah, why is she mad? He just let out a sigh I didn't understand. I just reminded ihm that it was the day we gotten married is all.

All the while, XW made her presence known in the background talking all 'sweet and candid' to the boys, reminding them to tell me this or that. much to my surprise, she finaly did get on the phone herself and go over S11's illness saying it was 'strep', I said he sounded nasily and with eye's itching, doesn't sound like strep to me, but she shrugged it off. Never mentioned the picture and since my phone was about to die we ended it pretty abrupt.

As soon as plugged my phone in, the pictures came through, S11 the goof he his, just got this mask witht the eyes popping out and tongue hanging out with a hat that says "girl watcher", huh? XW added a caption tot he picture "So ur kid!". Not sure how to take that. She then texted if I got the pics and I said yes, just came through and thanks. That was the end of that.

Oh, she apparently took the boys for their eye exams finally as well. S11 is upset because the doc said he has a "65% chance of getting 'lazy eye' in his left eye". I told him not to worry, it's probably just a stigmatism like I have, in oh boy, the same eye, wouldn't you know, his perscription is identical to mine. I'm also thinking his 'strep' is allergies much like I had at his age, but we'll see if XW can figure that out. Oh, and of course he was complaining becaseu XW told him if she catches him without his glasses on at anytime he's grounded. If he ahs the same problem, he doesn't need to wear them all the time, ugh.

Wonder when she plans on springing whatever amount "I owe her" for all this. Ummm, I never agreed to it as I was not consulted, so...........

Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 01:10 PM
Well, today will be round 2 of counseling, thank goodness, yeah, scary I'm actually looking forward to it, but just find myself kind of back pedaling today.

Especially now after skimming through some of the other forums and finding a post by a LBS about a day spent with his W that left him feeling odd. It reminded me of the last time my XW and I co-existed post seperation for a birthday party at 'our' house and the warm glowing looks she was giving me the whole time, as she done so in the brief enoucnters that went well that proceeded it.

It just gets me to think, "this can't be over, there's another chapter yet to come". But, the nagging reality is, this has been going on for what 18 months now? Na, there's no way.

Then for some stupid reason I recalled the time that I was in suspicion of the A and XW plugged her phone in on the deck to recharge, went inside for something and OM called. Curiosity got the better of me and listened to the voice mail I wish I never I had.

I just can't get those looks out of my head for some reason now and wonder what that was all about. And now I question why she won't do a dinner with me and the boys. Is it really "OM will get mad", or is it really she afraid? Is she afraid that those feeling she claims to still have will surface and THAT is what will "Make OM mad"?

I don't know, maybe I'm just looped back into a 'stuck phase'.

At least, after last time I picked the kids up and confronted her about the level of disrespect and uneasiness I get being there, we seem to be working on communicating again.

I don't know, bring on the shrink. crazy
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 01:20 PM
Good luck with the shrink. Go there with an open mind smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 02:12 PM
heeeehh,

Got a call a bit ago from a friend I've been pretty much avoiding. All she ever wants to do is talk about the D and slander XW. So, since I'm not in the mood for it, and now the psych has my head all dismanteled, I REALLY don't need it.

It only took but a minute into the conversation before I was asked how the weekend went. I said fine, I didn't do much of anything. She then said, "oh so you didn't curl up in a ball or anything on Saturday?" I just snapped and told her I don't need this crap as there's always some imbedded comment in everything you say.

Very unlike me and something I've been noticing quite a bit of lately?
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 02:55 PM
Quote:
She then said, "oh so you didn't curl up in a ball or anything on Saturday?"


I hope you're talking about your so-called friend and not the shrink. I'd hate to think your IC would say this to you.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 03:05 PM
Yeah NC, I'd say it was the 'friend' (to use the term loosely)

Gees D, with friends like that......UGH! She apparently thrives on drama and is always looking for it in the most likely place. Keep avoiding her, she's trouble.

Be transparent with the psych today. It's the only way you will get what you are paying for.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 03:06 PM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
Quote:
She then said, "oh so you didn't curl up in a ball or anything on Saturday?"


I hope you're talking about your so-called friend and not the shrink. I'd hate to think your IC would say this to you.


Yes, the 'friend'. If it were the shrink, I'd fire her arse faster than Donald Trump!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 03:18 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Keep avoiding her, she's trouble.


Yup, I think my Christmas list just got even shorter. laugh
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 03:19 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
I just snapped and told her I don't need this crap as there's always some imbedded comment in everything you say.

Very unlike me and something I've been noticing quite a bit of lately?
I think that's a good thing. She was being nasty and rude, and you called her on it. If you start doing that to everyone, well that's not so good..I noticed just on my thread for example, you seem stronger and more confident.

I do think you need to move forward. I think your XW prob. enjoys having 2 guys in love with her. She probably will come to you in a year or 2, when she breaks up with OM, and want to reconcile, but you can't live you life in limbo waiting for something that might happen. Plus, if you get out there and GAL and date a bit, you may not be interested anyway.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 08:01 PM
Karen, I don't even know where to start. Yes, I do think my confidence is coming around again: feel myself projecting a postive appearance and voicing myself a bit more lately. Can't really put my finger on it and why or how.

I don't know, today for some reason I've been really grumpy and edgey. So, wisken in the land of wild mood swings it is I guess. crazy Maybe it's just the whole shrink thing today, started off looking forward to it, but now, I'm not looking forward to having my head all torn apart and then "oops, times up, we'll figure out where all this stuff goes backin there later on." That really pised me off last week, finally started getting somewhere and bam, you're done for today, now serving number 69.

"Move forward". I'd love that. I'm moving, not sure what direction, but moving none the less. No, life in limbo is not the way to go. I have and still believe reconciling is not in the cards. Too much damage and I seriously don't think XW would give half an inlcinging to undoing everything she's done now. If it was too much work when things were in their infancy, they certainly are way too much work now. Then, as said in another thread on the subject of sex, well, that ain't gonna be happeneing for a long time, and that won't fly with her, that's for sure.

So GAL, yeah, I'm doing what I can. Dating, honestly at this point I could care less. Not because XW or the D, but, just not interested at the moment. I don't need another persons games. Sure, the companionship is nice, but if it's companionship I REALLY want, I'll get a dog. [EDIT - And at least the dog will remain loyal]
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/20/09 10:01 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
Dating, honestly at this point I could care less. Not because XW or the D, but, just not interested at the moment. I don't need another persons games. Sure, the companionship is nice, but if it's companionship I REALLY want, I'll get a dog. [EDIT - And at least the dog will remain loyal]
Oooh, I can tell you're in a mood! I get you about the dating; I have big swings when I think of dating; sometimes I feel ready, and then other times I think it's too stressful, forget about it.

Okay, your W is a game-player, my X is a gameplayer, most of our WAS I think are. But I have hope from everyone here, you, Kat, NC, Yoyo, Mish, Blue, etc. I don't think any of us are gameplayers, and we are all the loyal type too!!! And we don't have fleas. smile
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/21/09 02:58 AM
<scratches his flea collar>
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/21/09 03:15 AM
Of course, if we had ticks we could take them off each other. smile LOL!

Just the thought of jumping off that cliff into the 'dating pool' is enough to send me scrambling for the covers to cower. I have the utmost respect for anyone here who has been through what we have that is willing to put themselves back out there and take those risks.

D, you'll know when the time is right. Trust me, not all women are game players. I know I'm definitely not. Can't stand the thought of it!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/21/09 12:55 PM
Some one want to give NCB a flea bath? laugh

Anyway.

Session yesterday was complete opposite of the first. The first was all questions by the shrink. This one was more I lead the dialouge, suffice it to say, there were many silent times of the sessions. Addressed the mood of yesterday, shrink pins it on the call in the morning and XW's denial to let me pick S11 from school when he was told to go home last Friday, coupled with not hearing from them for a week.

We really spent a lot of time focusing on the kids being ripped out of my life and how that plays upon my own repressed 'childhood'. That was pretty painful and got the session cut short. Heh, next session is 'dedicated' to exploring my upbringing. That boys and girls, will be VERY interesting.

And now for the latest demonstration of pure flippen laziness and lack of parenting: XW has the brass to text ME if I know what assignments S11 has that are do. Umm, hello, you said you were going to the school to find out? The school that is only not even 4 blocks from where you live, and 4 houses from 'our house' that it sounds she frequents almost every day now! Unfricken believable.

So O looked itup online and got all his assignment. Oddly, communication from the teachers has dwndled, now I know why. When assisting S11 with his homework, yes, I had to assist a child OVER THE PHONE with his homework while the "custodial parent" did god knows what, he slipped and said "how do you know this all my work? Are the teachers STILL e-mailing you?".


Hence I believe XW stuck her self in the situation with yet another lie and requested the school not contact me anymore. Fits the bill, but why then text me when you're too god blasted lazy to handle things as the parent you claim YOU ARE?

Uggh, she really pisses me off to no avail.

Anyway, I did 'fib' and say, "yes, of course, why wouldn't they e-mail me?" No response. Then he and S12 later on both inquired as why I didn't answer the phone earlier, I said doctors appointment. S11 was really curious to know for what. All I could say was, "well you know, jsut one of those things". Then he asked what I was doing for the rest of the night. I thought about 'their curiosity' about what I did over the weekend and who I was with, and the stench of XW entered the room. So I played it off, said "I might clean up and go to bed, but I'm supposed to go out." Heh, mission successful, they kept asking where and with whom. And I repeatedly dodged it and changed the subject something more apporpriate.

Dating, you know, I've dabbled my toes in the water twice and both have ended up being nutbags who the moment I turn my head were with someone else, wow, that's real reassuring. So, if it weren't for my cousin's dog, I'd be on my way to the shelter to adopt one. Only problem is, I know me staying single is only an ego boost to XW for her just to think that I'm not because her reasoning would be becasue I'm still wrapped up in her. Not. I am wrapped up in wht I lost with her, but not her.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/21/09 02:08 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798

Hence I believe XW stuck her self in the situation with yet another lie and requested the school not contact me anymore. Fits the bill, but why then text me when you're too god blasted lazy to handle things as the parent you claim YOU ARE?

So what are you going to do about that? I think you would tell me to jump on that right away. smile I do wonder if they still tend to look to the moms for stuff like that, I know NC has had that experience, and when I told the teachers I wasn't getting the info (always sent home Mondays) they seem very nice about copying it to me. I think it should be that way with both parents of course!

Bravo on your conversation with your kids. It sounds like your XW has recruited them as her spies? Can you talk to them about that somehow?

I have looked at some of the online dating sites to see what's out there, and most of them look nutty there. Work out every day! (btdt), and have weird requirements, like 20 items long for what they can or can't tolerate, and some of the pictures look suspiciously like mug shots. frown

Your therapist sounds good, intuitive and all. Does she do solution-oriented stuff like we do here at all? Still think sometimes it's good to just do it, rather than just talk about it all the time. Although I know the talking is good too, to get all that stuff out. So good that you are going! I did that for about a year and I think it helped me for sure.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/21/09 03:09 PM
Quote:
Only problem is, I know me staying single is only an ego boost to XW for her just to think that I'm not because her reasoning would be becasue I'm still wrapped up in her. Not. I am wrapped up in wht I lost with her, but not her.


Hey, Dday, I understand where you're coming from on that, as I have let myself think along those lines too. But then I have since decided to refuse to lead my life such that I either do or not do some action based on what I think my ex might think about it. I have already allowed too much of my life to be dominated by xW and her insanely selfish whims -- I refuse to give her any more of it. She abrogated her privilege to directly influence my life when she decided to end our M. No, I will make my own judgments and steer the course of my actions based on my own convictions, as given to me in my relationship with God.

I advise you to do the same.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/21/09 03:15 PM
Hi Karen,

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about the school just yet. Right now, I'm just curbing any 'tone' that may be projected, like I said "keep personal feelings out of it". So, when the time is right I will nip it. But, thinking about it, the school knows how concerned I am, and how much I follow up with issues they raise. So, since XW was too busy to do her parental duties, I'm certain they will come to me on their own.
Stay tuned. wink

XW since day one has used the kids as her little minions. They are way too interested in what I'm doing, where I'm going, whom I'm with. Especially ever since I left the house and the "trained" eye of her main minions of the time, her brother and renter.

Online dating, shocked oh, hell no. To get a real good sense of the online dating world, take a look at a friends profile whom you know is on one. I'll bet you $20 their profile picture is atleast 5 years old, and/or personal bios HIGHLY fabricated. I would NEVER stray down that path.

We;re only 2 sessions into the therapy sessions thus far, so no, no REAL goal setting going on yet. I do have a homework assignment tho and that's to identify the moments where my mood "changes" or thought strays off in to thoughts of "everything going on". Heh, to the later I said that's easy, when I wake up every dang morning.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/21/09 03:20 PM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
Hey, Dday, I understand where you're coming from on that, as I have let myself think along those lines too. But then I have since decided to refuse to lead my life such that I either do or not do some action based on what I think my ex might think about it. I have already allowed too much of my life to be dominated by xW and her insanely selfish whims -- I refuse to give her any more of it. She abrogated her privilege to directly influence my life when she decided to end our M. No, I will make my own judgments and steer the course of my actions based on my own convictions, as given to me in my relationship with God.

I advise you to do the same.


Ehhh, I'm lost in that one NCB? I'm not letting XW influence me was the point I was making. But, she will feel in her mind I'm stuck on her, hence why I'm single. Better?

As for God, well, I'm respectful of others in their threads on the regard, but in my own, He and I have some issues to hammer out when he's not busy, so until then, to each their own.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/21/09 05:31 PM
I was just saying (undoubtedly poorly so) that I would not worry about what your ex thinks about you being single or not. She's going to think what she wants to anyway, right? And I certainly would not allow what she might think cause me to influence my decision to be single or not.

But if her thoughts and feelings (and biases) about you no longer sway you, then let it be so.

As for God, we all must seek our way, hopefully with a healthy measure of fear and trembling.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 10/21/09 10:59 PM
Hey, all of my stuff on my online bio is current AND honest! wink

I have to admit, though - the pickings are slim online.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/22/09 02:17 PM
Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
Hey, all of my stuff on my online bio is current AND honest! wink

I have to admit, though - the pickings are slim online.


Well, there's alway the exception to the rule. wink

So,

I'm going out tonight, I need to blow off some steam, let the hair go and just have some fun. I've been wound up way too tight this week and that just means a vast of problems when I pick up the kids Friday. So, that's it, out tonight to a late-night concert and then spend the day cleaning and shopping tomorrow.

On a seperate note, I think I finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up, a child psycholigist, specializing in D trauma. That's what has had me so wound up I think. Then of course, when thinking of the kids and how un-happy they say they are, I can't help but to think of XW. I REALLY wish she would just marry that troll already and seal the deal once and for all. I so want to go on with my life. I'm sick of being sick of being stuck.

On a different note, it's funny that somone brought up the trying to date again and made me reference my 2 attempts yesterday. One called and left this long drug out message and the other sent 2 texts yesterday. Hadn't heard from either in a bit. So I was just like, ok, who's next? XW? Of which, I certainly hope I don't run into her at the concert tonight. It's a band we both had great times seeing and really kept us going during the waining years of the M.

Anyway, since I'm off tomorrow, I'm gonna have to clear my desk today, off to work.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 01:18 PM
LOL, Oh my, what did I say last week that I shall no longer give any indepth thought to the 10:17, 10/17 concept now forward, and my last post WAS at........10:17, I love to test myself I guess.

Nice quiet, yet expensive weekend with the boys. I'm really dreading balancing my account later, but, hey, they had fun. We went to dinner Friday night as normal and then went home and watched a couple of movies. Saturday, bummed around, did some shopping, made some awsome steaks and greenbean cassarole. Then opted at last momoent to go to cosmic bowling. They had fun, i'm paying the price, financially and physically, now I know why the Dr. hasn't cleared my yet for that kind of stuff. Yesterday, watched the race on TV and just vegged. The took them out to dinner again before returning them 'home'.

Then there's the X front........

Friday night, as time drew closer, I figured she wouldn't be dropping them off as requested. So, I started heading over to get them, and low and behold S12 is blowing up my phone. When I finally got a second I texted back: "Mom was supposed to drop you off, I'm on my way". Got a few more calls, one from XW procaliming she knew nothing about dropping them off.

When I got there, I was fine. XW came out and started re-iteratting she didn't know, I said we talked about it last time that I'd like you start dropping them off. Xw then said, "Well, we were supposed to talk about it and you never called me this week". As I was about to state, the phone goees 2 ways, her neighbor from across the street (has a few screws loose) intrudes, and begins a 5 minute tangent about the crappy weather and where I had parked my truck, that we were standing right behind, lights still on, but she made it point to say I was blocking the hydrant.

Long story short, the boys were getting aggitated and wanted to leave, so did I as OOM kept peering out the windows at us. Then I noticed they already wrecked the car and 'our' Trans Am that has been slowly rotting away had quite an extensive ticket collection. Then, Xw's neighbor says, "Oh, I better you all go, I'm holding you up" and then XW delivered the kicker, with no remorse no thought what so ever right in front of the boys "Oh, now, we're divorced, the boys are jsut going iwth their father for the weekend". Yeah, I know it's the truth and all, but to just candidly blurt it out like that with no thought, how does she do it?

So at that point I had enough, held "her" check up in the air at her and the boys and loaded up in the truck. As soon as I'm ready to pull out, she's tapping at my glass which I roll down "Dylan, please save me from her" and if I'm not mistakened slipped the "honey" word at the end, maybe I heard wrong. Of course at this point I was stung a bit and tired of losing the little time I get with the boys and became a bit cold. Which insued her "Why are you always mad at me?". I kept it simple with a I'm not mad at you, I've had my fill and want to go. Xw just repeatedly said have a nice weekend to us.

I felt bad and texted her "aorry about last night" on Saturday, no reply. S11 tried calling her numerous times on her cell and land line in loserville, no reply.

Yesterday morning a new problem developed. I received a 3rd party investigation claim on S12's behalf for his "accident" when he cut his knee open in OM's car trunk. So, the state is not far behind.

At dinner, XW sent a cutsy message wanting to know what time I was bringing the "monsters" back. Of course she herself was back 5 minutes after the indicated time I gave her. I had no choice but to park in front of the house and htus OM pulled OUR car up right behind me.

They took forever getting out? XW finally emerged and as we started talking OM strolls past with a blacker then normal smug look? XW was very talkitive and in a decent tone until her drunk uncle drove around 3 time looking for a parking spot and XW's mouth went into full trucker mode.

Anyway, we talked about S11's "strepthroat" being allergies, he cleared up over the weekend. She said she wouldn't know what from but agreed. I did indicate the fact of all the cigarette smoke in the car with her and OM sure doesn't help (S11 has asked her repeatedly not ot and XW said she didn't at the Dr. exam).

XW then addimently asked again if we could talk at some point this week. I said that is fine, the phone works both ways. She then said "well you're not going to get all 'gay' with me will you?", I could only say, now that's the type of attitude to really make me want to look forward to the "conversation". She apollogized and said "we need to talk".

At his point I sent both boys in and asked her to please provide a copy of S12's adoption papers as I was having a hard time with insurance company's to that regard. Then asked camly what happened to S12 when he cut his knee open as I have paperwork to complete. She looked she crapped herself for a second. The whole while OM kept poking his head out the door and windows. Heh, I had half an incling to grab her butt and kiss her on the cheek the final time, but thought better of it and just lether know she seems expected inside and left.

So another sleepless night.

What's up with OM's overly survelant behaviour?

What's up with XW's change of tone?

And what in the world is so important she "needs" to talk about?

At least the psych sessions are paying off. My cousin thought XW and I had zero interaction with each other when I got back since I was in a ok mood. She was shocked when I told her all this.

So, something's a brewing and it's coming very, very soon, stay tuned. crazy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 01:56 PM
Oh, one thing I did forget. After the boys repeatedly grilled me about what I had done last weekend I casually asked why XW was mad about the picture I sent her (the wine bottle and my glass on our anniversary). S11 spilled the beans and said she wasn't mad, but thought I had sent it to make her upset, but, she, on that day , at that time, appears to have been doing the same thing?

hmmmmmm.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 05:00 PM
Dday,

Be careful trying to read anything into what your ex says or does. In fact, just don't do it at all is probably the best policy, as you just cannot rely on anything a WAS says or does. You know: believe nothing they say and only half of what they do as being true.

The OM playing surveillance is just typical and to be expected -- seriously, would you really trust someone who has already proven to be capable of infidelity, even if that offense was done on your own behalf? No, the both of them now have to look over their shoulders constantly now -- not a swell way to live, is it?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 05:40 PM
Hey NCB,

Thanks for droppin gin. Yeah, As I going though and getting caught up on posts of more 'active' situations of tha matter, I was reminded, that they are only nice when they want something. Smacked myself in the fore head as I realized, "dang nab it, I almost fell right into this crappot all over again".

You know, I hope it's just they eloped or something, that would be a HUGE relief factor and final proof to say to myself to stop looking over my shoulder for her.

I just don't know, until that or something else, there are jsut still far too many un-answered qustions. Far too much left un-done.

Sure, I got the "you did this to me", or "you did that, so that's why it's your fault" mumbo-jumbo we all get. But then I got the voluntary rebuttles. I got the voluntary admission of her own faults.

It's the things I didn't get. I didn't get the "I hate you's", I didn't get the "I don't love you anymore". She can't say it. She can't hide that supressed version of herself whom was the person I put on the highest pedastil possible. And that person won't lie to me like that. So there's still something in there.

I know when she's lying. I know when she's the person she's become. The two versions of her are entirely different. Last night, she was near close to being the same version of herself that when 11 months ago was so uncertain, so confused and hurt, that just the simple touch of my fingertips on her arm and me telling her to do what she knows is right, her response was to do an about face turn to me and cling me in this death grip like hug for 5 nimutes non-stop, crying, and still tot his day, can not offer an explination as to why.

Believe me NCB, I will do my best to have my b/s dectector primed, tuned and ready. And I will do my best to not fall into anything loosly put by her.

Bottom line, I just simply don't have much left to lose. So, if I give her the benefit of the doubt on anything, it will only be for gain. And I will also do my best to post it here first before I give any diffinative response to anything she says.

The looks from OM. Heh, well, I'm not sure what to say there still. XW has proclaimed in the past that she has told him of her continued feelings for me and that ahs also been a reason for not running off and marrying him, and if true, putting it off indefinately.

Plus, like I said before, not to boost my ego, but I'm not such a bad catch in the looks department, I have forged a much stronger bond despite the curent odds with my kids and became a better, more focused father. I am also now voicing myself A LOT more than ever. That's got to be clanging around in that head of hers somewhere. To say ANYTHING of the constant reminders she has daily of the life she faces to live with this character. It surely is nowhere remotley close to anything she had with when we were together, and thus, where is the fairytale afterall?

Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 06:29 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798

It's the things I didn't get. I didn't get the "I hate you's", I didn't get the "I don't love you anymore". She can't say it. She can't hide that supressed version of herself whom was the person I put on the highest pedastil possible. And that person won't lie to me like that. So there's still something in there.
Yeah, probably way deep down she's partly who you married. But she also is the person she's become now too. I mean that's just as much a part of her too. And you deserve better than that.

And I don't see the fairytale either. I think the cheating princes quickly turn into frogs, and the princesses too. And they both find they have frogs instead of the fairytale. I've been thinking lately maybe that is a good thing; the frogs have each other and the LBS can go out looking for the fairy-tale (of a normal person)?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 06:46 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
I've been thinking lately maybe that is a good thing; the frogs have each other and the LBS can go out looking for the fairy-tale (of a normal person)?


Heh, good one!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 06:55 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
Originally Posted By: dday101798

It's the things I didn't get. I didn't get the "I hate you's", I didn't get the "I don't love you anymore". She can't say it. She can't hide that supressed version of herself whom was the person I put on the highest pedastil possible. And that person won't lie to me like that. So there's still something in there.
Yeah, probably way deep down she's partly who you married. But she also is the person she's become now too. I mean that's just as much a part of her too.


The point that there's the supressed former of herself and the person she has become I get, and is not the the thing that still bothers me and is sitll the only answer offred up even by WAW's when I've asked before. The question is why hasn't she followed that part of script as almost everyone else? Why does she not blame me solely? Why doesn't she hate me? Why does she still love me? And won't she let it go?

And just to say cake eating, still doesn't cut it. I think there'a a serious identity crisis in there somewhere what it is. I just don't want to turn my back, not just yet, call me stupid, I don't care. I don't want to be the one of us to make that decision that finally makes it 'too late'. I don't think I could live with myself.

Yes I deserve better, and I deserve happiness, I know.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 07:17 PM
Quote:
Sure, I got the "you did this to me", or "you did that, so that's why it's your fault" mumbo-jumbo we all get.


I didn't get any of that. I got the other stuff...ILYBINILWY, it's just not the same, we've grown apart, blah blah blah. Of course, that is my xh's way of being passive-agressive and making sure that I start questioning my sanity entirely. Yeah, it worked....grin

Quote:
Yes I deserve better, and I deserve happiness, I know.


Yes, yes you do, but you know you make your own happiness, right?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 07:26 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
but you know you make your own happiness, right?


Of which I've never been good at. I would just bury whatever it was and lie to myself that it was all ok and put on this show for the outter world to see. I'm done with that. This time I want to truly be happy. This time I want, no need to take the tragedy that is all this loss and all I've endured and make a stand and make it enough already. And it's not to just maybe get my family back. It's clearly very late for that. But if I can't, I'd just like the god honest truth once and for all and all her enigmas solved.

This is why I've finaly buckled and let a shrink start digging in and try to sort this mess out.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 07:34 PM
I hope the phych helps you sort all of that out. An outsider looking in can get such a better grasp of things that you are getting bogged down in and guide you to resolutions. I'm very happy for you!
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/26/09 07:46 PM
Quote:
But if I can't, I'd just like the god honest truth once and for all and all her enigmas solved.

This is why I've finaly buckled and let a shrink start digging in and try to sort this mess out.


I think a shrink can help you figure out your enigmas but not really someone else's. I think most WAS don't know/tell the truth, and don't know their own enigmas. Generally confused. In my case, I've racked my brains trying to figure out why my X is so nasty to me. I think it's best to try and detach and not even try to figure out something they don't even know for themselves probably.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/27/09 12:52 AM
Well, no call yet tonight.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/27/09 01:01 PM
Never got a call, that's OK.

Just carrying over some thoughts from NCB's thread.

I really think these moments as such are internal conflicts for XW. As said before, there is so much hurt and confusion in her eyes at these times. Unfortunately, the company she keeps around her in friends and family apparently feed the person she has become and makes it harder to over come. They are all divorcees or care only of themselves.

I hope she may someday find someone to confide in and talk with that will listen to what she has to say. I for obvious reasons am not the person by way of conflict of interest. Even if it doesn't mean that we would have another chance, I hope someone can bring her peace.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 10/27/09 11:25 PM
I think the key here is to at least try and move on and quit worrying about all this. Its all about you now. Dday, like you, I'm a good looking guy. But the difference now is that I'm confident and happy. Yes, I had to make many painful changes in my life and I still feel my XW took many important things from me. But I have a new life now and it feels great!

There may be a little of your old XW in there somewhere, but maybe the woman she is now is the real XW. She's the OM problem now and it looks like to me that her infedelity with you is contributing to his insecurity. Probably, she will leave him and will be forced to look at the woman in the morror. Perhaps she will be able to finally work out her issues.

I know my XW is now alone now and hiding from her 'judgemental' family. The OM is no longer in the picture and she looks at my new life with envy. I have no doubt that at some point, she will approach me again. But this is of no consequence because this is my life and I live for my happiness. I refuse to sit around and wait for something that may not be good for me.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/28/09 12:51 AM
Hey sg, nice to hear from you again, you sound well and I appreciate your imput and words.

I am becoming more confident, that is for sure, and maybe a little more happy day by day. What ever the outcome, yes, I've done time and whatever I chose, is for me and my happiness, and whomever may chose to be there along side if allow it.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/28/09 01:14 AM
That said,

I'm going on a 2x4 swinging melae for a second here.........

I understand some of you have X's that are still doing some nasty stuff, and for that you have my sorrow and sypmathies.

BUT,

What did EACH and EVERY one of you come here for? What was the one objective when you came here, crying and sobbing, hurt and devastated wanting one thing more than anything else in the world?

You know, I can joke along and vent and blow off steam too, it's good for the sole and for some where there truly is no hope, well 'it is what it is'.

I may still be horrified by the things my XW has done. I may be hurt, beaten battered and brused, but folks, WTF, if for one second, just one second, the person I devoted my entire life to, yes being the same person who dismantled everything about me and our life together, can have a moment of solice and has something to say, you bet your ass I'm going to listen. I want to listen, I need to listen. Even if the end result is not what one little sliver of me still prays for, the bottom line is it may just finally bring me MY peace.

So that certainly does not mean that I'm running back and picking up that preverbial rope, not by a long shot. But I tell you what, I will sleep a lot better at night and carry on with my life to the best of ability KNOWING that all the putrid things that were said to me, about me, and of the years devoted were not true. First hand from the mouth that spewed them.

How many of us right now in your own threads feel a low sense of self worth? How many feel you aren't good enough? And lastly, how many of us did 'all those wrong things in the beginning' to attribute to those things being said in the first place?

We've all had a long road to where we all are now in our own diificult times. For some, the answer to move on, is to simply move on. To some, it's years of therapy. To each their own.

The simple fact is and I've been trying to say. I KNOW the woman I once loved with all my heart is shackled up inside the person that years of mistakes, hers and mine created. I owe it to her, myself and our children to atleast listen one time with a non-subjective ear. Whatever the outcome may be, doesn't matter. Sure it'd be great to get that 1 in how many chance to be that couple that took losing everything to regain their identity. But I'm not counting on it.

But, in keeping spirit with the reason I came here, I'm more than willing to stop making stupid mistakes that only pushes this person who has been so much a factor in my life further away. And, consequently, push the chance for our children to have a some what normal life even after all that has happened. I would rather our kids stand there 10-15 years down the road and say "yep that's my folks, they had it rough, but the pulled through, and I've learned a lot from them" versus, "yep that's my folks, they've hated each other half my life, don't understand why, but, it is what it is".
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/28/09 01:34 AM
Quote:
Even if the end result is not what one little sliver of me still prays for, the bottom line is it may just finally bring me MY peace.
I think you have to work on your own peace, not look to someone else to do that or help you with that.


Quote:
But I tell you what, I will sleep a lot better at night and carry on with my life to the best of ability KNOWING that all the putrid things that were said to me, about me, and of the years devoted were not true. First hand from the mouth that spewed them.
I think you should already know that all those putrid things said weren't true. Why do you need to hear that from her?

Quote:
How many of us right now in your own threads feel a low sense of self worth? How many feel you aren't good enough?
I felt horrible about myself when I first got here. My X repeatedly told me what an awful person I was, criticized me, called me names. But at some point, I realized it's not what my X thinks about me, and I decide my own feelings about myself, and I think I've got a better sense of self-worth now.



Quote:
But, in keeping spirit with the reason I came here, I'm more than willing to stop making stupid mistakes that only pushes this person who has been so much a factor in my life further away. And, consequently, push the chance for our children to have a some what normal life even after all that has happened. I would rather our kids stand there 10-15 years down the road and say "yep that's my folks, they had it rough, but the pulled through, and I've learned a lot from them" versus, "yep that's my folks, they've hated each other half my life, don't understand why, but, it is what it is".
I hope you don't think I would ever not suggest reconciliation, if possible, in any of our sitches. I know it prob. seems hard to believe but I try very hard to be neutral and not engage in stuff and try to have a polite R with my X. I would always be open to that, and hope at some point in the future we could do do that.

But I do think when there is an OP, it is best for us to detach as much as possible, and move forward. You don't seem that detached from what I read, you are very focused on what your X says or does or whatever. I've found more peace in my sitch from detachment and working on that, and I think that is true in many of our cases.

What stupid mistakes do you think you've made? I've only followed your thread for a month or 2 now I think, but I haven't seen that. In fact, you seem to be doing everything very well; very much someone to admire I think.

Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/28/09 02:21 AM
Karen,

I guess the message I'm trying to convey (and can't do a good job at crazy ) is that my X has not at all times fit the mold of the 'typical' X and has tried on occasions to reach out. Not reach out in a "baiting" sense either.

I know what ever the outcome, my coming out of this with my head held high depends solely on me. I also know it should not matter what she has said, and should know it to all be her perception of the time.

For me, it's going to take a long time to do that on my own.

However, as said, everyone has their own mechanics that help(ed) them through. I have mine.

I so want to just put this all behind. But, like I said, I know, and can see it in her eyes that she knows we'll regret this for a long time to come. I just don't want to be the one who took the last chance away.

And agreed, so long as OM is around, no way no how, that has been my stance all along. That is my firm boundry.

My mistakes, for some reason I can't even summarize at the moment. I'm still learning them, and hopefully if given the opportunity, I won't make this time.

I am in my own way doing well. I accept and forgive, have for some time, but more so with each passing day. That, is my detachment. I have to focus on what she says and does as it all has bearing on our kdis to whom she oversees custody of. And yes, at times, I read into things a bit much for my own good.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/28/09 03:33 AM
Yes....forgiveness. I do believe is a VERY key element. This is what I work on myself and admittedly some resentment does creep in at times....But resentment will only accomplish one thing: Sabotage. Whether it's to improve yourself and/or reconcile down the line with your ex if that option presents itself. Forgiveness can be a fine line. Sometimes you feel like a chump for choosing to walk down that path, but I think it is the best way, within reasonable boundaries of course. Negative feelings, resentment, etc. will just eat at you like a psychic cancer. Just my .02. Speaking of forgiveness, I'm trying to forgive Daaaaaaa Bears for not showing up to Sunday's game. That defense needs some DBing techniques. Ok, I copied that crack from someone else, but just have been dying to use it.
Posted By: bearsfan45 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/28/09 03:40 AM
Oh, and one more thing....The High Life delivery guy needs to suspend until further notice all HL privileges of the players until further notice. Thank you.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/28/09 12:46 PM
Very well put BF45, on all aspects.
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 10/29/09 12:40 AM
Sorry, no 2x4s from me. We all came here for our own reasons. Saving the M was top priority & then it moved down the list bit. I came here to find my sanity, find people that can understand & give support, overcome fear & control, find my own happiness and learn how to really make a M or R work. Hopefully, I've accomplished some of that.

I understand what you are saying about your XW. After D my XH told me he loved me & always would. I believe that, yet he is still lost. Some of the things he said when he left was true, I see that now. Just like you said, with your XW complaints. The sad part is, is my sitch they were very fixable, at the time. And, I know now, it was more than that, that was plaguing him. So now, I believe/understand, he doesn't want to get too close to me, for fear of being pulled back in. Make any sense? My journey continues to find my way, as I find it hard to let go too. In time it will happen & I will know I'm ready.

You are doing a good job - keep it up!
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 10/29/09 04:28 AM
OOppss, I almost forgot that one simple tiny word - why? Wrapped up in half truths & lies, although some people do get to unwrap that why to finally find the truth of it all.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/29/09 12:52 PM
Originally Posted By: MsMelancoly
Make any sense?


150% MsM, it sounds as you and I a very much on the same page. wink

We'll find our own ways to move on in life no doubt. Everyday I think I'm taking a little tiny step closer 'off the porch' to reventure into the yard and see what's been growing while I've been wallowing in the house during all this.

At least the fresh air smells nice.
Posted By: MsMelancoly Re: Newbie (again) - 10/29/09 01:12 PM
Ah, I thought you might smile

So on PBS last night with Charlie Rose, his guest was Carrie Fischer (Princess Leaha) - anyway she was very funny & had some very cool one liners about life. Wish I could remember them all. Speaking about herself not Rs here are a couple: your liabilities are your assets & keeping secrets is only hiding from yourself.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/29/09 01:19 PM
Heh, got a call from my sister's BF last night, friming up on some plans to get together Satruday night for a movie and a small outting afterward. Then out of nowhere I was hit a proposal of his to put together a community volunteer group for needy and broken family kids. Of course it hit hime and I agreed to hear his ideas over the weekend in more detail. I figure, if I can't get a paying second job to benefit me, I can atleast volunteer my time to benefit others, while keeping myself busy at the same time.

Then I heard from the boys. Both claim to want to be with me on Saturday. For the most, I believe that, however the underlying message sounds more like XW has her own plans for the night that doesn't involve them and was trying to dump them off somewhere on someone. I felt bad, told them of course I'd love them to be with me EVERYDAY, but that's not how it works. I got a little nasty I guess when both asked why they couldn't, my only response was "talk to your mother about that".

They were already aggravated with XW as it was. Once again 8:30 at night and they STILL hadn't eaten dinner yet. frown S11 is getting so concious about his weight. Last Friday all he got for dinner when we were out was a salad and soup. I reminded him that eating so late and going directly bed is not good for digestion. He also wanted me to e-mail his teachers becasu he couldn't find a disk to copy an essay he was working on off the laptop he was using and to make sure it was ok to bring the laptop to school. Apparently, instead of shelling out $2 for a new library card, this is XW's idea of an "easier" way. uggh.

Never talked to XW, o-well. Since the times I heard her in the background whe had an attitude to her tone, I don't think I would have wanted to anyway.

Side note, I told the boys their Halloween cards from my gram came in the mail yesterday. S12 wanted her number to call her when I said whe you OPEN them, don't forget to call her and say thanks. So he wanted to call her right away, but apparently XW deleted the number. Cute.
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 10/29/09 01:27 PM
Dday that is awesome about the volunteer work, I hope you can get it going.

That's crap about not eating dinner till after 8:30, I feel bad for your kids.

Like you I have a hard time telling the kids I can't see them. I want to but don't want stbx to think she can go out with OM and always count on me to take the kids. But damn I miss them, I don't know what the right thing to do is.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/29/09 01:32 PM
Originally Posted By: volleydog
I want to but don't want stbx to think she can go out with OM and always count on me to take the kids.


Exactamundo! I've told her flat out, I miss having access to our kids on a daily basis as a parent should, however I will not have the desire of me to see my kids abused and refuse to be her babysitting service to go out and flolick with her OM (geuss he's technically not a OM anymore?). So, it's a double edge sword I guess.

We'll have to find you an apporpriate nickname tho, saying "VD" doesnt' seem good. lol smile
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 10/29/09 01:44 PM
I probably wouldn't have picked this screen name if I thought about the initials... grin
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 10/30/09 02:53 AM
It's all about setting boundries. There are many WAS's that love eating cake.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/30/09 12:30 PM
Well, as I started to do yesterday, I think I'm going to take some time away from the forums for a bit. Just something I feel I have to do.

Didn't have a psych consult this week as the doc was on a business trip. Pulled through ok, but was a bit down last night, a lot of uneccessary feelings of rejection.

I also had some thoughts of XW and everything, especially "OM" after commenting on someones thread that I guess he's not really "OM" anymore, he's 'her' man, so whatever, it's an eye opener for sure and a definate signal that I need to stop looking over my shoulder, she's a big girl and needs to take care of herself from now on. And that I guess is where I stand on that and why I feel it's just time to take some time off and do the #1 job of DB, work on making me the best me I can be.

So, I'll poke my head in from time to time and make sure there aren't any dramamtic issues going on where support is needed.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 10/30/09 07:38 PM
Right on. if you need anything, just pop in!
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 10/31/09 02:46 AM
Be well, Dylan.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 10/31/09 04:13 AM
You'll be missed Dylan. Drop in every now and then for a "hi ya!"
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/02/09 01:57 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Drop in every now and then for a "hi ya!"


Hi ya!

Had a moral dilema for Halloween. This is rich, XW called at noon on Satruday after I had already picked up candy and stuff for the local kids that I hadn't planned on doing. Anyway, XW asks if I wanted to take the kids trick or treating as she "might have to go to the ER because she and a friend fumigated themselves dying their hair the night before" and feels so sick she didn't want to drive to loserville and the kids were already upset since they couldn't go there". Yeah, that tipped the b/s meter hard. Then while trying to cover her tracks and keep her 'story' gong she slipped and mentioned a party later on at night she wasn't sure if she'd be well enough to attend.

This was of course received as, 'come take tha kids trick or treating and then take them home with you so I can go out'. How dumb does she think I am? I said I'd think about it, she wrote it off as "c'mon it's tradition" of whcih later on after soaking it all in, I texted, "sorry, family traditions died 6/9/09, hence 'loserville".

Other than that, all is well on the western front.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/02/09 03:32 PM
Ooooohhhhh.....OUCH!

That text was a little brutal, but IMO well deserved.:)
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 11/02/09 03:59 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798

I said I'd think about it, she wrote it off as "c'mon it's tradition" of whcih later on after soaking it all in, I texted, "sorry, family traditions died 6/9/09, hence 'loserville".

Other than that, all is well on the western front.


Nice! She can't have her cake and eat it too. My XW couldn't pay her bills and still complains about not being able to make ends meet. Maybe if she would'nt go out and behave like she's a 17 year old she'd be better off. Of course, it's my credit that gets effected.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 11/02/09 07:35 PM
Waitaminute here. By "tradition" did she mean you taking the kids out for "trick or treats" was tradition -- or did she mean her dumping the kids on you so she can go out partying was her "tradition"?

Either way, wow, she's a typical WAS -- wants all the benefits to her own decisions but none of the consequences.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/02/09 08:18 PM
Well NCB, looking at it that way, you're right on both accounts.

I do feel bad not seeing the kids, sent a message, several actually later on that I loved them and missed them whe S12 tried texting later me later on at night. Needless to say, I was in VERY rare form at the time. I also feel somewhat bad for not taking up XW's "generosity" in the offer, but her complete tone came across like a problem child employee calling in to work due to losing their mother for the 3rd time. Blantantly a complete story.

I also questioned why me? They are old enough to have gone on their own, and there was more than enough people around to take them if really need be versus me driving around at last minute. I still say it was a ploy to bait me up and bring them back home with me.

Speaking of home, this is terific, just as I start to make progress on working through the last of the issues in this regard, my cousin got let go from her full time job today. Terrific. This does not look very good at all. The financial woes never end.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 11/03/09 12:04 AM
Yikes, man, that's harsh! How is your cousin taking it?
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/03/09 03:44 AM
Oh no! She lost her job? I'm so sorry Dyland. That has to really mess with the home life. frown
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/03/09 01:16 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Oh no! She lost her job? I'm so sorry Dyland. That has to really mess with the home life. frown



That is serious understatement. Everything I can rebudget, which isn't much is all out of whack, and well, so much for the psych, not in the budget. Went to bed a little after 9 and woke up with my stomache on fire for the first time in a long time. I'm so sick and tired of this. Felt bad as there was nothing I can say or do to rememdy the situation. Any reasonable second job I can get creates a conflict with either my primary job, or would take away from what little time I already have with the kids. Of which, I can't even remember the last time I've really talked with them. I wanted to call, but don't want to deal with XW. Of which, she is back in my head when I sleep, at least 2, 3 times per night, but just in mundane ordinary conversations, can't quite decypher what that is supposed to mean.

This just blows, period.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/03/09 03:52 PM
I know how hard it is to get a job now. Sorry to hear that, D. I've had money #s too recently, but stuff always seems to work out, and I've learned to economize which is maybe a good thing. But if I ever am doing well again, I never want to eat hot dogs or ramen noodles again!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/06/09 02:37 PM
Just a journalizing 'rant', 'vent' or statement of mind for myself:

I certainly didn'y want to get involved with the "debate" that jacked Kat's thread shocked But, sort of related.

I finally heard from 'the kids' (well only one) last night for the first time in well over a week. #:15 yesterday I get a call from a phone # with a prefix of the old town, I immediately think it's got to be the police with another of XW's cooked up complaints, but in turn it ended up being S12 calling from a phone at the library. He couldn't offer up a reason as to why and how he was using a private phone in a public library or any reason to have not called in over a week (hell it took me a second to recognize his ever changing voice).

This wreaks so much disregard from XW for any of us. She is clearly withholding her phone from them for him to take such a drastic measure. She does not comply with any part of a LEGAL agreement and appears adiment to drive a 90 mile wedge between myself an dour kids fairly soon.

Ugh, I don't want to see her tonight when I pick them up. I don't even want to know she's alive, PERIOD. She most definately will not comply with my request 2 weeks ago to furnish MY adoption papers of S12 and thus he will lose out on his life insurance policy unitl I can free the time to spend half a day downtown proving my validity of being his parent to the county.

I just loathe her soooo much right now and wish I had nothing to do with her. And I certainly wish she'd stop creating an even bigger wedge myself and kids that she created. I imagine it's going to be a very emotional weekend when they begin to relay some of the stories she's conjoured up now. Probably B/S like "why would you want to call your father? He never calls you...." Yeah, well every time I call, I get her in one of her ill prepared moods that does nothing but want to start over dead sh!t, fight and then I don't talk with them anyway as she puts on her "look how your wonderful father treats me, this is why I'm with OP" bullsnot.

On all other fronts, the clock is ticking down, my cousin and I trying to find ANY sort of extra income to keep the house a float. We briefly touched on Thanksgiving last night that she'd normally have at her house, pretty much cancelled and X-mas, that ought to be interesting.

Then, on even worse timing, driving into work the other day, I spotted that an apartment building I've had my eye on for some time in the next town over from my old, has apartments available, within my affordability, shares the school district where the kids are now and is right across the street from the commuter train taht would save me a ton of cash versus driving. PErfect friggen timing. frown
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 11/06/09 04:14 PM
Whew! I feel your pain man.

Something stinks here.

I think I was where you are now about three months ago with regard to my XW. I was so disgusted with her and the unhealthy life she was leading. She couldn't even see how immoral, irresponsibile and incosiderate her behavior is/ was before and after the divorce. At least we don't have kids, but she continues to ruin my credit by being perpetually a month behind on bills. I can't imagine how much worse it would be if she knew I was seeing someone new.

I'd say you should totally simplify and move into that apartment. I'm actually moving to a new city, going back to college and I found a roomate to reduce costs. It's going to be such a relief to not stress about money as much.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/06/09 04:15 PM
Ok, busy day......

Get another call this morning from another number in the old town, lol, it's s12's teacher in front of his entire class after he demanded she call me right away to say that he made outstanding progress in his first quarter and made the A honor roll (as he almost always does). LOL, he's so great. That lifted me up from the pit I've been in the last week.

In stranger news, that goes to show that XW is actually helping him with his work to some extent. Even stranger, when S12's teacher was done, she put him on the phone, which was kind of the downer of the moment after he said he wanted to share the news right away since he doesn't see me often and that XW was with S11, chaparoning a field trip! What? She NEVER wanted to do anything of the sort before? Who the hell is this person? crazy

EDIT - I should mention S11 asked me to chaparone I was more than delighted to ablidge, and XW said she was going to do it which I figured she wouldn't. frown
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/06/09 04:22 PM
Originally Posted By: Sgfan

I'd say you should totally simplify and move into that apartment.


I wish it were that easy, but my cousin and I have become co-dependent of each other for the time being, I owe her, I'm already down 48% of my income no thanks to XW, but now the attorney's are going to garnish my wages, my student loan is about to restart in February and I'm out of forbeance requests, and all thatis just the tip of the iceberg. To say anything of furniture. frown
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 11/06/09 09:14 PM
Yea, I hear ya. I'm currently living with my brother, which really helps, but after almost a year I've had about enough. So, I'm moving to another city and getting a fresh start. Luckily, I made out pretty well in the divorce as the XW recieved the lion's share of the debt. I still have quite a bit of debt, though and it's making life quite a struggle.

We sold our home in the divorce, but we had very little equity.
So basically nothing got paid off. I'll be lucky when I come out in a better finanacial position to have credit good enough to buy another home as the wife is destroying it.

I have very little furniture now myself. I'm getting rather creative.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/06/09 09:43 PM
Isn't that was milk crates and cable spools are for? smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/06/09 10:16 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Isn't that was milk crates and cable spools are for? smile


That and they a make one heck of a interesting soap box race car after downing a few.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/09/09 01:35 PM
Ok, I asked on Friday and will ask again..........

WHO is this person? crazy

When I picked up the boys, XW of course did not have copies of S12's adoption papers as requested, big surprise there, but offered a deep hearted apology and will find them and make a copy ASAP.

Anyway, as I was picking up the boys she of course was the first one out of the house all happy go lucky. I had left work in a hurry and not taken off my ID badge I wear around my neck and S12 being his curious self was looking at it and made some comment that it didn't look like me, well it does look like me 3 years and almost 50 more pounds ago.

Anyway, XW went to take a look by grabbing the strap rather high, causing me to practically be breathing down her shirt? What in the world was that? crazy I was very uncomfortable with that.

Then the shocker, all the sudden, SHE is the one who wants to start doing 'family things'! It was started mainly when I made mention that I'm making plans for next July to take my vacation time with them around the time the NASCAR race rolls into town and finally go with them. But, go figure, the tickets are going on sale next month instead of in February as normal, so now that's probably going to be off. Then, S11 just blurts out, "oh yeah, Dad, if you get wrestling tickets, Mom says she'll go!".

My jaw just dropped, I look at ehr like, 'really', and she's just gleaming with this 'hell yeah' look and says somthing to the effect of wanting to do things now. What is with THIS change of heart all the sudden?

I was talking with my Gram yesterday on the phone and I get this weird feeling she's been in contact with XW recently, not that I care, but some wierd things transpired in the conversation. Mainly, I think she's spot on that OM's "fire" has blown out and XW is starting to grow tired of him and is starting to hear the voice in her own head that's been telling her what she's done was wrong and it's getting louder and louder. My Gram di dfor one of the first time ask me point blank if I'd "take her back". I said "no, there's nothing to 'take back", which I mean as IF anything were to ever transpire it would be all new in a sense. My Gram did also ask really weird questions about ex-FIL and BIL's and how that all work out, of which I can only say, I don't know.

This is all just so weird. Even the boys were acting weird and saying weird things that I jsut couldn't put my finger on. S11 again tho, did say that XW still plans to move 90 miles away and they don't want to go. Well, what I can I say, that's what the court is for, and this time you will have to speak up if you don't want to go.

But, of course, when I dropped them off last night, XW was her usual cold self again, kinda crabby and just seemed to be looking to start something. Nothing really did aside from her asking why I hadn't replied to a text she sent when I was driving wanting to know if she had to give them baths or do laundry. I simply said, "I was doing 50 miles an hour driving, you know I don't use my phone when I'm on the road" and she got defensive.

I don't know, just simply don't know what is going through that mind of hers. I did notice a large piece of trim dangerously hanging off "her" car and said something to the effect that it needs to be strapped up or just removed all together and seh made this odd gesture that she had no-one to take care of it. Yup, it's all the little things I used to do hon, get used to it.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 11/09/09 02:35 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
Yup, it's all the little things I used to do hon, get used to it.


Yup, just wait until my XW has car trouble. She can barely pay the $500 monthly car payment, let alone maintainance! If your XW is anything like mine, she will begin to see the value you brought to the MR eventually. My XW emailed me friday saying how much she missed my dog and the times we had together. She still can't seem to remember the fact that she was a bull in a china shop and all the hurtful things she did. Although I forgive her, I can never trust her again.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/09/09 03:10 PM
Originally Posted By: Sgfan
If your XW is anything like mine, she will begin to see the value you brought to the MR eventually.


Oh believe me, I'm certain that occured almost instantly with mine.
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 11/09/09 03:27 PM
Quote:
Then, S11 just blurts out, "oh yeah, Dad, if you get wrestling tickets, Mom says she'll go!".

My jaw just dropped, I look at her like, 'really', and she's just gleaming with this 'hell yeah' look and says something to the effect of wanting to do things now. What is with THIS change of heart all the sudden?


Something I've been curious about, do you think this is good for the kids? I'm NOT saying you're thinking of doing anything wrong, I'd like for me and XW to do things with the kids so they know we still get along, but does it give the kids the wrong idea?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/09/09 03:40 PM
Not at all a bad thing for the kids. I have always extended an offer for her to join us, mainly to dinner when the boys and I "eat in the area". They have been highly upset by her unwillingness to do so. They want it more than I do. Whether we get along or not, we are still their parents and that's where the line needs to be drawn as to how far our battles (went).

Now if someone were doing it merely to as an attempt to get an "in" with their ex-spouse, THAT would be bad for the kids.

EDIT- Oh, as of recent, our boys are more convinced we are done then I think XW and I are, so, certainly not a bad message for them.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/09/09 04:05 PM
I think your kids might be ok about that, but don't you think going out to eat with your X will make it more difficult for you to detach and move forward with your life? I find the less contact I have with X, the easier it is to detach.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/09/09 04:34 PM
Well, we've had yet another 4 months now of barely any contact and this time around has helped me really just let go of her. I look more forward to starting life over and getting back on my feet than drabbling over what we had together.

The dinner or any other premise of a 'family night' as she and they now put it, is simply for them. They've wanted it for so long. As I've said before, in the bginning last year, even right after her moving out and in with OM, she would still come over and have dinner with us at our house. So, why a year later and obviously with down to zero percent probability of anything would it be a problem for her? Me, I could care less as I have, ya come or you don't, and if you start b/s, you leave, simple as that.

I guess it's a gamble wortha taking. I'm hurt more by the look in the kids faces and their comments about her when she refuses. And to hear from such little minds, "she left you for him, and you stayed even after the divorce, what's the big deal?".
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/10/09 02:18 AM
And yet in life, another challange.

Tonight, it was announced that my cousin's son and his GF that moved out last year have gotten in over their heads financially and need to move back.

Which puts me.................

?

I did start to go black and shut down. But no. Lights on, head up. Time to reclaim my iife, some way, some how. I guess it is my sign to pick myself up and do whatever I have to and finally attain what I've NEVER had, a place of my own. I don't know how yet, but as always, I will find a way. Which means, I'll probably lose time with the boys, but I will do my best to make sure they understand.

The only thing that bothers me is that XW will no doubt see whatever time I can't spen withthem as an opportunity to run off and make her 90 mile move. I certainly hope she thinks better of it, for a re-stablalized sef-sustaining me, is not a person you want to piss off.

And as they say, business, is about to pick up [again]
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/10/09 01:30 PM
Decision made.

Attain secondary job and get x-mas shopping out of the way as quickly as possible. Then pay off debts. Then, start the saving process and hopefuly by S12's next b-day on Valentine's Day, be situation in my own lttle apartment back home.

Of course, scince I have direction now, that means whatever is effecting my arm will trun out to be something that will slow me down. Dr. has called twice about my CT scan results, but everytime I call back, I never get them, and then they never call back. Urrg.

Heh, funny in reading this, it was S12's b-day last year when I left the house? crazy
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/10/09 01:58 PM
Great plan Dylan! Now, as Larry the Cable Guy says, "GET 'R DONE!"

Having a plan is the first step to changing your life!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/10/09 02:02 PM
Ah, but when it's all said and done, as George Peppard would say:

"I love it when a plan comes together".

wink
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/11/09 02:49 AM
So you know you're screwed when......................

Your shrink bails on you.

Yup, I'm too much for her. That's nice. I cave and give in and let someone trained try and deal with my sh!t, and they can't handle it. Cute.

And I'd love to know where all thes master degreed "professionals" lose their sense of reality and not realize that a person who misses their kids and family, has 'offing themselves' fathest on their mind. I was counter questinoned at least 6 times of being "suicicdal". What the hell?

I'm thinking about getting back out on my feet, being one step ahead of XW and fighting for kids the moment she slips up, but yet, ah eff it, I'm just gonna go blow my brains out. Yeah, ok, real smart.

So, that's cute. I get one more session to "open up", or just do as I've done and fix my own loose screws. Well, I cost a lot less than she does, that's for sure, and I've managed this far.

Geesh, now I know why I never subjected myself to these people.
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 11/11/09 03:29 AM
That is bizarre. But, they are people, too, and personalities can clash...you might have to find another person if this one isn't doing right by you.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/11/09 03:37 AM
Yeah, no joke there.

In time, this shall pass too.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/11/09 04:24 AM
Do you mean that this 'professional' doesn't believe that you aren't quick on the way to killing yourself? Is that what they are hoping for? WTH? I don't understand.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/11/09 01:47 PM
I don't understand it either.

I know and confessed to 'botteling' up. C's 'problem' seems to be it takes me more than half the session to uncoil, and when a subject gets touched that hits home, I'm quick to recoil and go quiet.

I just don't think it's for me. I mean I litterally argued with the C that no amount of therapy can change what has happened and what will happen. After all, it is what it is. And I simply refuse to make some sugar coated excuse for anything my parents or XW or anyone else has done. Period.

So I guess C sees it as I chose to accept and deal with it, what else can you do, and that is in fact my stance. But, it seems, since I 150% refuse to take 'happy pills', that is mis-construed as 'he choses to live in depression and therefore must be a threat to himself'. Of which I can not say enough I am not. Like I said, there are many of days I wake up and wished I hadn't, but that to me is certainly NOT being a threat to myself. It's living a shitty life and not being able to do a damn thing about it but try and get through as best as possible.

Another thing that popped in my head this morning is the C talks to me like I'm currently the kid who was tossed in the streets by his ever so loving parents and I find in many ways insulting. But, I think that's her 'goal', although she says she has none, to revert back in time to that point and try and fish things out from there. I don't know.

I just don't think it's for me. Blah.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/11/09 02:13 PM
FOO issues and childhood traumas shape us as people and point us on the path that we are on. In dealing with that you can redirect your path. You view it as history, a done deal. The emotion from the immediate pain and fear of it - yes. The subconscious trauma suffered from it - no.

However, that being said, you need a C who will focus on the here and now first. The past history can be dealt with when you are in a healthier state of mind.

Example - I have a lot of past issues that have caused my self-esteem problems. I touched on it briefly with my C to give her background but we are not working through those things right now, we are working on my view of myself in the now. I see how the past shaped me, but dealing with the now keeps me from diving into that black hole in the past where I could become stuck.

Make sense?

Oh yeah, I know 'happy pills' aren't for everyone. What about something herbal though? St. John's Wort or something Ali told us about called 5HTP (they have it at GNC and I'm sure other places).
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 11/11/09 02:50 PM
Funny, when I was seeing my C, the first thing we faced were my past issues. I don't have too many past issues, but it really helped me and my C establish a foundation to work through my more recent problems. I am fortunate in that I grew up in a healthy household with both parents.

The real damage occured about 4 years into my marriage. It became a nightmare of me neglecting myself to help my XW through her very serious problems.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/11/09 02:51 PM
Well Mish, I guess that's half the 'problem'. My handling of the here and now is ever changing on a daily basis, for the better. I have too many other issues and now goals to deal with than dwell over anything XW has done (in extent).

This morning, out of no-where, I recalled the conversation with my grandmother, and how heartbroken she is over what XW has done. It made me recall a statment XW made last New Years in an extrememly odd conversation we had where XW made it seem as if she wanted to come back. XW had said "I want to leave him, but so many people will get hurt" and only today did a reply come back in my head to ask, have you thought of the people you already have?

Then, as I was driving in to work, I was running late enough that it was light out, and saw 'our' old car still parked out front of "her house" that OM now drives and I got my answer; Even if she had thought about those she has or "will" hurt, it doesn't matter now.

I think I've finally hit that stage of 'true' DB'ing and look out for myself. I no longer focus on the why it is, it just is. I now look forward to waking up finally in a place to call my own, not having to tip toe around to not wake anyone else. Just plainly, being on my own and thus happy (not that I'm not now).

I'm no longer questioning what is so "wrong" with me that XW left. There isn't anything wrong with me. There were things wrong with our MR, but she was simply too weak a person to set those wrong things right. And that, will be her burden to deal with for the death of our family, the trauma to our kids, and will no doubt be the way she carries forth in every relationship she has for the rest of her life. My life will go on and be burden free.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/11/09 03:15 PM
If you are good with yourself and comfortable with the decisions and directions you are taking in your life now then there is very little that C will do for you. The past can not be changed so no point in rehashing that. Only if your past is controlling or directing your current life should it be worked through.

You sound good Dylan!!!!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/12/09 01:42 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
You sound good Dylan!!!!


Because I am. wink

I had a really nice dream of moving into my apartment. I guess I'll have to store in memory aa much as I can about it. The building had another single parent with kids and the first weekend I had the boys over we all got together for pizza and a get to know you kind of thing. I guess I forgot, apartment living does have it's advantages in having very close neighbors as a new source of friends.

Also at some point XW came by, alone I think, and was quite 'nerved' I guess to see me finaly out on my own and enjoying life? crazy I remember I did politely stand my ground on something, not sure what, but cordially thanked her for setting me free. smile

It is funny. In the real world, when I picked the boys up last Friday and we were talking briefly about the status of things and my cousin losing her job the moemnt I saw this apartment for rent that I now can't get, XW had this weird look on her face. I don't know if it was just the concept of it, or the close poximity of where it at. But she just put on this wierd look and ackward tone. Maybe there is some truth in what she said at New Years about not wanting me to move away when I left the house? But then again, she's the one running 90 miles away? crazy And so is the double standard effect her burdens bring upon her, not me. wink
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/12/09 05:54 PM
That sounds like a wonderful dream!!! smile

I think there is a double standard. When you wind up serious with someone in the future, I'm convinced your X will freak out. I think they always like to think of us as their plan B or whatever, and then when we aren't anymore, it finally hits them maybe what they've done?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/12/09 06:17 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
I think there is a double standard. When you wind up serious with someone in the future, I'm convinced your X will freak out. I think they always like to think of us as their plan B or whatever,


Oh I KNOW! That's the whole reason why we haven't been speaking since July, she ass-u-me'd that my interaction with someone was of "seroius" nature and went on a tantrum fit when I said it was none of her business. crazy

For the time being, it's not in my cards to even think of being serious with anyone and foremost the last thing on my mind. But, yes, I know when that person does come along, there will a sharp outcry from XW. Escepially when she gets a taste of her own medicine as to what it is like to have your children exposed to someone else.

And lastly, "I am not plan B" is something I've had to remind XW on, many of times to the exact wording.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/12/09 06:30 PM
Quote:
But, yes, I know when that person does come along, there will a sharp outcry from XW. Escepially when she gets a taste of her own medicine as to what it is like to have your children exposed to someone else.
Oh, that's so true. I think they don't realize how tough it is to hear your children chatter about the gf or the bf and have them give gifts, and be a part of the kids' lives. I think it will be a good thing for them though, maybe they can develop more empathy or understanding.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/12/09 06:35 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
Oh, that's so true. I think they don't realize how tough it is to hear your children chatter about the gf or the bf and have them give gifts, and be a part of the kids' lives.


Or what it's like to be called the OP's name. mad
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/12/09 07:45 PM
Quote:
Or what it's like to be called the OP's name


OMG! Just the thought of that made me throw up a little!!! ICK!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/12/09 07:47 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
OMG! Just the thought of that made me throw up a little!!! ICK!


oops! Clean up in aisle 7. lol
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 03:28 AM
journalizing/venting:

Recieved a very ominous call from S11. He is so miserable there. Apparently, his grades are rather lack luster, I haven't personally seen them yet.

But he says he just does not want to live there. That if he told me half the things that go on there, I'd "never let him return". He said "it's so wrong, I look up at "mom's room and see her and him, and it's so wrong".

Apparently, XW went nuts one night and "drove nails" in their door frames so the boys couldn't close thier doors all the way. WTF?!?!?!?

Then, OM is barking at him to get in the shower. Ugh.

He just wanted me to come get him.

I played it calm and rationalized his problems in school and concentrating, afterall, I was him. I also assured him, I'm "coming home, soon". He took comfort in that, but even said, no matter how crampt it is here, he'd rather be here, not there.

I again told him, there's no shame in getting help. He's still afraid. All I could say was that if he talked to someone, he'd feel better, and if there is a real problem, it's the job of whomever is listenign to say something to the right people to get you out of there and make it better.

another call.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 04:45 AM
More of the same, S11 went to take his shower, but there was no shampoo, so he was left caughing all over the house on the phone, with soaking wet heair and no prupose for it. Complains of his living conditions, and "they" say he is moving downstate, and can't say anything about it because he is not 14. Umm, reality check, in IL, you have a voice at 8, dumbf$cks.

S11 agreed to see a C. He needs it. He kept complaining of what "they" and OM say about him. I told he needn't listen to a word OM says. S11 said, I know, I have 2 parents, not 3.

I need to go to bed, clear my had and be ready for tomorrow. S11 asked if he could come here over the weekend, I said of cours, as long as mom agrees. He wanted me to come get him then, I said I would if I could in 20 minutes (it's nearly 40 away).

This is bullsh!t!!!!!!!!

But, i rant it here, instead of elsewhere, and I'm certain although I don't know how, XW reads this, and it's ok if you do, becasue guess what: you know the person I CAN be when those I love are hurting. Keep the hell out of my way, I'm 10 times stronger then you ever knew me to be capable of.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 04:49 AM
For what it's worth, I read him the serenity prayer I now carry in my wallet 3 times over.

At his request.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 05:01 AM
Oh Dylan, your poor baby. That sounds like he is having some serious anger issues with his situation. He definitely needs a C and an advocate.

He's 11 but he's on that cusp of being a child and being a teen. Is he afraid to approach a C at school who could actually contact child services on his behalf? Have you considered calling them yourself to investigate?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 05:09 AM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Have you considered calling them yourself to investigate?


After these calls, I'm ready to launch everything in my arsenal, but, left it with the fact without delacring an all out nuclear holucost, there isn't much I can do. However, speaking to soemone, he can open doors to much more "civil" possibilities. I simply can not believe for half a nano-second that XW would be bumping EXTERME uglies with OM for everyone to see, including our children for heaven's sake.

I really need to clear my head and sleep.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 05:16 AM
I can't imagine that is happening either. No mother in her right mind and with half an ounce of decency would decline to shut the damn door.

Give it some time and let it even out. When are you picking them up?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 04:18 PM
So, I cleared my head, slept on it and took actionthis morning. I emailed his homeroom teacher without much detail that S11 is upset abou this grades, possibly getting excluded from school for not having a physical, his living conditions, and speaking of running away and to contact me immediately should he not arrive at school and a notice of absense call be made from XW. I also said I will arrange for C outside of school, but in the mean time since he was in agreeance last night, he should speak wtih someone as soon as possible.

The teacher replied almost instantly. Thanking me for contacting her as she was getting concerned too. Apparently XW has in fact stuck her nose inbetween me and the school, and that is a straight up violation of court order without question. She said she will contact the couselor (actually cc'd him in her reply). This was before I left for work late so I could be in the area around the time school starts in case he came up 'missing'.

When I got to work, I checked my e-mail, S11 had gone straight to the counselors office first thing in the morning, I think voluntarily from the sound of it. He also is in fact going to be excluded from school, nice, how friggen lazy can you be? He' been to the "doctor" 2 times in the last 4 weeks for a persistant cough he can't shake, and yet, this couldn't get done?? wtf?

I just hope he doesn't get like me and clam up. I didn't push him to go, but told him of how I am seeing a C now, but it's too late for me to fix my issues with what happened in my childhood, but he can make a difference for himself. I guess he listened smile I love my mini-me. {typed with watering eyes}
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 04:21 PM
Oh yeah, and now to prepare for the back-lash from XW shocked

2 words hon:

bring it!
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 05:39 PM
D, I'm glad to hear your son is getting help. If they aren't able to help him though, I hope you will consider reporting your X to child services. It sounds like if nothing else, S11 is being emotionally abused and who knows what else from the comments he made. The whole "if you knew what's been going on" comment worries me.

I think it's a really good thing he has you to confide in and help him out. I'm sure a lot of kids don't have that, and then what happens....

Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 06:07 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
The whole "if you knew what's been going on" comment worries me.


I know, me too, that's why since he agreed to see a counselor, I jumped on it immediately before he reverts.
******************intreuppted for call from school**************************

DAMNIT!!!! He denied everything. Score another one for XW mad

How in the hell can I help this kid? When everytime I do as he asks, he goes and does the complete opposite and says everything is hunky-dory. I am beside myself, seriously beside myself.
Posted By: kat727 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 06:14 PM
They want to protect their parent, doesn't matter that she doesn't care about protecting them. So they will tell you the truth to have you get them out of there. What they don't realize is that they need to notify a neutral party if they want change to happen.

Hang in there.

kat
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 06:19 PM
From what I heard last night on the Parent Education class I had to take to get a D, I'm not surprised. In the end, he is going to defend both of you.

If you think he isn't safe over there, then you have to contact the authorities. If you think it's bad, and inappropriate, but not dangerous, you have to think very carefully.

How she lives her life isn't your problem. But, S's welfare is. I don't have any more advice!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 06:25 PM
Yeah, well, now he's going to be mad at me since the school is calling "Ms. dday101798" (I really wish they's get that sh!t straight that she no longer bears the name or right there to) about the intervention this morning and to thuroughly ride her coat tail about his physical.

So now, she's gonna be pissed at me, and yet take it out on S11, and he'll take that out on me. Happens every flippen time. And everytime she scores another point toward making a point that I'm "over-exaggerating or purely making things up" and the I'm the one whose hurting them, not her. F'n b!$ch! I knew, just knew it, this is what she's been up to while being quiet, it has to be, and I gave her EXACTLY what she wanted.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 06:33 PM
Originally Posted By: Virtually_Handsome
you have to think very carefully.


well Jeff, At least that is exactly what I finally did after months and months of transformation. Previously, i would have demanded XW get on the phone and clarify the story right then and there. Or would have e-mailed the school right after hanging up with S11 after his "claims" and thus, poured the current over-emotion in to it.

Either way, I lose, plain and simple. From now on, if he has a problem, he's gonna have to listen to me and take action on his own. I know she is moving far away, and has no intent to transport them as the agreement states like anything else she hasn't complied with thus far. so this just backs up her theory taht I'm so "mental" I'm not fit for visitation as she tried to do in the D initially.

That has to be what she's up to.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 06:39 PM
I would report her to child protective services. Your S11 is too young to handle this on his own I think. I've been through emotional abuse, hard as an adult, but for a kid. If you truly believe he's being abused, I think you should do it or at least seriously consider it.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 06:44 PM
I think that will be the final straw to have the little visitation I have stripped away should it back-fire somehow, which appears to be the game.
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 08:08 PM
Hey Dylan... another thing I learned.

You said S will take it out on you. We were told that the kid will vent their frustration on the parent they know is going to be there for them. They won't do that with the one they feel has or might abandon them, they are afraid to. So it's a good thing that he vents to you.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/13/09 08:18 PM
I know Jeff, I was (am) him.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/16/09 12:44 AM
Well, it's more apparent after speaking withthe kids this weekend that XW is moving them very soon and that S11's call that spurred my emotion was all part of the plot. Still no physical, getting kicked out on Tuesday he says, but yet now is all happy-go-lucky. I can't believe he would of done it intentionally, so for now, I will just say Xw played him to play me.

Never heard anything from XW either, which just further backs that up.

Now S12 asks today if he can be with Xw next weekend. I will not deny him his desires, so, what can I do? I'm not going to 'force' him to spend his prescribed visitation with me. Now he says they are attending church down there. Whatever. Do I fight it anymore or not? One day the kids say they hate it, the next, they're fine.

On other news, I went out last night for a karoake night. Uggh, paying the price. But, an 'interest' of mine was there, and we did have fun. Not sure what to make of it. Nothing transpired, but a good time, and the later half of which, I'll confess, I'm having a bit of trouble remembering, lol.

uggh, well, time to make some soup, clean up and get ready for the week. My cousins kid was here yesterday, preparing for his move back in, so my goal for the week is to be doubly employed by Friday. One can hope right?
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/16/09 04:04 AM
Ever hopeful Dylan!!!

You shouldn't force the issue of visitation on the kids, but you can encourage the visitation. The more encouraging about it you are, the more likely they will be to come.

So, when she moves them south she will then be responsible for transporting them to you on your weekends, right? Get a game plan in place right now for the inevitable denial by her. You know it's coming.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/16/09 01:31 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Get a game plan in place right now for the inevitable denial by her. You know it's coming.


Well, I'm certain the "master plan" is she will file something in court there so that any relay to me will be delayed, as she's done before, and that I'm for whatever reason "not fit" to have a say so on where they live and overnight visitaion, also done before. The woman has become a ruthless quenn B, no question about it, and I will put nothing past her.

It's very obvious she wants S11 kicked out of school. Why else would she not have had the physical done? Why else would she not have contacted about his VERY poor grades? And now S12 is doing stellar in his classes, so the game there is probably that "he no longer needs special education and will do just fine in a 'normal' curriculum in a less demanding school district.

It just all makes sense and really stinks, but is clearly what she is going to do. There is no way that any vehicle she has is going to withstand the pounding. I'm surprised that my old car that she has now abruptly returned to active service is making the grade thus far (you don't get much for under $500). So, the only game plan I can make right now is to prepare myself for the expected-unexpected and that is yet another ruthless low down dirty kick in the groin. crazy
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/16/09 03:09 PM

Quote:
Now S12 asks today if he can be with Xw next weekend. I will not deny him his desires, so, what can I do? I'm not going to 'force' him to spend his prescribed visitation with me. Now he says they are attending church down there. Whatever. Do I fight it anymore or not? One day the kids say they hate it, the next, they're fine.
I guess maybe S12 has something he wants to do that weekend there? Sometimes the kids have stuff they want to do. I would agree to it, but only if you could trade another weekend the next weekend or whatever, to make up for the missed time. I think kids need both their parents, and I think your S12 will respect/love you for that when he's older.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/16/09 03:19 PM
I already let him know it was fine, and that I wasn't "mad" about it, upset, yes, "mad" no. It just appears to me that XW is baiting him up to 'want' to live there. Anyway, he knows I'm ok with it. I will not get into any trading tho. Not going to start that non-sense and screw up schedules. I will see if he wants to go to dinner or something like this Wednesday and go from there.

Just covering my butt, did case searches on-line, at least now the timeline of our D is all there. frown Nothing filed in loserville, yet, although her brother seems to be in trouble with the law. crazy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/17/09 01:52 PM
I am completely 150% absolutely fed up with these games.

S12 called last night, several times while I was taking out the garbage and lawn refuse. He now all the sudden will be over as normal this weekend. S11 got on the phone later on, head buried in the TV. Out of curiosity I ask if he did homework, he said "yes" and I still asked what he doing watching TV sighting his report card. He said he doesn't even think XW lookded at it, "it's still in the car". mad And later on, his homework was all the sudden NOT done, but it was 8:30 and darling Xw finally came home with frozen pizzas for dinner.

Still no physical, now he could care less of his grades, and after months and months of "we don't want to move", nobody seems to care anymore?

I still have not received any response from my letter a month ago to XW addressing these issues. I think it's time to send another, certified, with "her check" to get her undivided but limited attention to THE RULES.

According to S11, they are probably moving in January. I am just purely disgusted that XW can put her own selfishness before the lives of her very own children and not realize that the rest of their lives are screwed up enough as it, but now to go and mess with their education?

I thought I made it apparent enough that I wasn't playing around durng the D. And at that time, I still cared about her and her relation to the boys. In the mere 6 months since it's completion, she has shown me zero respect in that regard, and thus, THAT is what she shall receive here forth.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/17/09 05:11 PM
How far is she planning on moving? In my state, you have to file papers with the court and get approval for relocating after D. I think they have limits as to how far they can move after D don't they? I think it's also a major problem it doesn't sound like your X has officially told you of the move; you're hearing of it through your S? I don't think she should have primary custody if she isn't going to communicate with you esp. on such a MAJOR issue!!!
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 11/17/09 07:17 PM
What does your parenting agreement say about move-aways?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/17/09 07:53 PM
On both accords, XW is to communicate in writing to me ANY major changes that effect the boys lifestyle, including moves, re-marriages, schooling, medical issues, just to name a few, for the purpose of bringing the matter forth for mediation should I not agree.

She knows, I DO NOT agree to this move. She already has the residence and I feel it will just be any random day for "surprise, we moved". The problem, is the woman may be without a question selfish, but certainly isn't stupid. She will find some sort of way to box me in on this as she is already in contempt of court on 5 portions of the parenting agreement (yes, I did more researching today), and I'm rearing up to nail her to the wall. Enough is enough.

No Karen, she CERTAINLY should not have primary custody. As I've been trying to tell you, things do get really ugly where kids are concerned.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/18/09 04:29 AM
Nail her Dylan!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/18/09 01:55 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Nail her Dylan!


eww, those days are done! shocked lol

dday out [scrubbing mind of horrid mental imagery]
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/18/09 03:47 PM
OMG! I totally didn't think of it that way.....EEEWWW!! grin
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/18/09 03:53 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
OMG! I totally didn't think of it that way.....EEEWWW!! grin


lol, yes, if there is to a DB convention, I strongly suggest steering clear of the grill area (where I'll be), unless you have an open sense of humor and ears that have been to a truck stop once or twice. grin
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/19/09 12:20 PM
Taking the day off today. No boss today anyhow. Just gonna help get stuff ready for the transition for my cousins kid moving back in and other random doodles.

S12 blew the heck up out of my phone last night too, really late IMO. For some reason, I just was not in the mood and knew it's part of whatever new game XW is playing. Does the B/S ever end?
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/19/09 03:15 PM
So you think your XW manipulates him into calling you or something like that? Why would she do that? And if she does, that is so twisted! frown
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/23/09 01:41 PM
Yeah, unfortunately, I think this enitre thread is laidened with that tactic from XW. She ALWAYS uses him as the go between, which is yet, another no-no. frown

What a weekend. Spent Half out of it, had this weird thing going on, bruning up and out of voice and blahhh.

Time with the kids was good. Weather was nice and we played chess out on the deck almost all day Saturday and pretty much vegged out yesterday.

Heh, when I picked them up Friday night, OM was parked like a bafoon blocking the street (in my car mad ). Kids were out instantly and XW not too far behind. Kids were desperate to get out of there. Apparetnly XW and OM had some blow out of mass proportions and OM spent the previous half hour in the car (probably texting or calling his NEXT fling? crazy ). Xw was being 'nicer', which just backed up the whole fighting thing. Can she seriously think I'm still a plan B for her to run to? Seriously, get the hint hon, you're on your own now.

Any way, upon leaving, both kids said they were fighting and screaming at each other and then the boys, go figure. uggh. So, we go to dinner at the local place as usual. End up having to get a table in the back and low and behold, X-FIL and his grilfrined were there at the next table. Didn't acknowledge or say a word. Finally x-FIL's girlfriend came over by us "I had to come say hello, I saw you guys come in, I can't couldn't take it anymore, didn't you see us?" I said politely, 'yes, I saw you, and I have nothing against you, how are you doing?' A little convo went back and forth and X-FIL just sneared from his seat. lol, I can hold a grudge for a long, long time, buddy, get used to it.

Anyway, supposidly, XW is taking S11 for his physical today, he says she's lying. Ohhhh, XW and OM apparently now work together. How cute. Ummmm, that REALLY eliminates any prospects of me EVER being a 'plan B', FOR SURE.

Anyway, last night's drop off, perfect. XW stayed inside and never came out. Perfect.

One thing I have noticed recently. I've noticed on Sunday nights when it's time to head back, S12 always sneaks a spray or two of my cologne that XW used to really like. Last night, he couldn't say he didn't because he must have used 20 sprays because he simply wreaked of the stuff. What's up with that? crazy
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 11/23/09 06:29 PM
Plans in general for many WAS's are a fantasy. For the most part thier plan 'B' is a house of cards.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/24/09 02:50 PM
Nothing much to update on the sitch.

I just e-mailed my C and dropped our sessions, I don't think I'm benefiting from them an donly rehashing things I can't control. The first few helped remind me of things I've already survived and that I can and will survive the current life dilemas.

Other than that, focusing on getting through the holidays this year, which are set up pretty much like last year so I pretty much know what to expect on that front.

Some things on XW, well, I replied to someone else to asked about the 'talk' she wanted to have that never happened. I'm assuming at this point, it was probably to see if I'd reach out and try to talk to her since things are supposidly going really south with OM. I concluded that's not my problem. My ship has undocked, cleared the harbor and the masts are rigged for sail.

If XW ever decides she wants to rejoin the fleet, she'll have some catching up to do. However, her ammassed disregard for legal agreements says she has no intent, and I don't care, I'm covered, she can try to play all the games she wants. Apparently she forgot the games ended nearly 6 month ago now, and she no longer has a say in the rules of future games.

Other than that, lookin forward to Thursday, making ham, greenbean cassarole and a fresh apple pie (that'll be a first shocked ), and a holiday with the kids. Then Saturday, a date of sorts and a real good time. laugh
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 11/24/09 08:20 PM
Nice. Just make sure you really beleive the ship has left the harbour and your not looking over your shoulder. You have to really beleive and let go. Only then will the possibilities be realized, one way or another.

It's great that you are getting out on a 'date of sorts.' I tell you when I was ready, seeing women really helped me to realize what it was like to actually be appreciated and respected again. It felt great. This along with the permanant changes I made by DB'ing made me a good catch as well as the feeling that I deserve a good person in my life.

Have a great holiday!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/24/09 09:14 PM
Originally Posted By: Sgfan
Nice. Just make sure you really beleive the ship has left the harbour and your not looking over your shoulder.


I believe that is something that the C in a way helped me do. I guess I was looking over my shoulder for XW all the time in fears of going back out 'alone'. I was always alone and never let anyone get REALLY, REALLY close. I think it was (appropriately) my wedding day that I finally let XW in completely, and well, look where that ended up. frown

Anyway, yeah. I'm looking forward to Saturday all though I'm fairly certain nothing will become of it, but hey, that's cool, means no pressure. wink
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/24/09 09:14 PM
Quote:
I tell you when I was ready, seeing women really helped me to realize what it was like to actually be appreciated and respected again


That would certainly be interesting (of course men for me...not women!!). Personally, I can't remember what it was like to be appreciated let alone respected. Something to hope for in the future....who knows!

Ham for TURKEY DAY Dylan???? Say it ain't so! My family has both though and we have turkey, ham, and roast beef for Christmas. There are around 40 of us for dinner so we have to extend our meat choices. smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/24/09 09:26 PM
Oh, never fret, big bird will be on the table too, but not my job to do, just carve for now. Funny thing is, is that my "father" used to be the carver, and everyone complained of how lousy he was at it after taking over when his father passed. Thus, I really wanted nothing to with it, but, for 3 years running now, I've been nominated.

Since we're on the the subject of food - I have to get a recipe for apple pie, I have an entire bag of apples that were donated to the cause. Other than basic deserts I've been learning to do with the boys, I am not a baker! Any suggestions?
Posted By: antlers Re: Newbie (again) - 11/24/09 09:41 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798


Since we're on the the subject of food - I have to get a recipe for apple pie, I have an entire bag of apples that were donated to the cause. Other than basic deserts I've been learning to do with the boys, I am not a baker! Any suggestions?


Easy Apple Crunch

6 cups sliced apples, peeled or not
1 cup sifted all-purpose flour
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/3 cup melted butter
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Preparation:
Butter an 8-inch square baking dish. Arrange sliced apples in the prepared baking dish.
In a bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and egg; blend well. Sprinkle mixture over apples. Drizzle melted butter evenly over crumb mixture. Sprinkle with cinnamon. Bake at 350° for 30 to 40 minute. Serve warm, with ice cream or whipped topping.

Your kiddos will love it, and you will too.


Happy Thanksgiving!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/24/09 10:11 PM
Rock on Antlers! Thanks, and have Happy Thanksgiving.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 01:48 PM
And here we go.............

Xw never firmed up any plans for visitation exchanges for tomorrow being I hadn't heard what time I was being let off work today, and she didn't know what her work schedule was for Friday as of the last time we spoke last Friday.

So, last night as it got later and later in the evening, I got more and more aggitated with the situation. Then the phone finally rings, I figure it's S12 doing XW's dirty work and setting up the arrangements since she's too immautre to talk to me. Thus, I let it go to voice mail. Wouldn't you know, I was right. Yet again violating the parenting agreement. Thus, I opt not to return the call and see if she has the decency to call herself.

Of course not. So, in my frustration I sent a nice little text, "well, thanks for not firming up any plans for a holiday".

This morning as I'm driving in, I finally get a reply: "what holiday, what plans, you have the kids, if you need anything you can call me", followed up by a lengthly voice mail about how she has "a hundred thing to do, you didn't answer the call last night, that's you're problem, you have the kids for the holiday, I don't I have nothing to do" {boo-hoo}, and a whole lot of other nasty little things.

Thus, I'm sick and tired of making her life easy. I'm sick and tired of being peaceful and amicable with her, staying late at work unpaid, just so I can pick the kids up from her house on my way home versus her dropping them off. That's it, done. So since I didn't get an option to reply by voice messaging, I sent a response text "We'll just do this by the book from now on and you will drop them off at 10am tomorrow and I will return them at 10am on Friday".

I just now get a text "hi dad, so we're not going with you at 5:30-6:00" presumed to be from S11.

I almost replied and thought better of it. XW had said in her lovely message that she was leaving for work in a half hour and that was an hour ago.

What a beeeeeyatch mad

I'm done, absolutely done. She's just doing this because A) she has no regard for the rules. B)she obviously must be miserable and thus the apparently the whole world needs to be miserable with her.

I mean seriously, why should I drive all the way home, to drive back to her place and then back home in holiday traffic just because she can't bury the friggen hatchet already? Oh wait, I shouldn't and WON'T. Needless to say, my cousin graciously offered to watch the boys on Friday and even drop them off at XW's beckon call. Again, I'm NOT going to have my cousin sitting around waisting her day away just to appease XW who feels she can do what ever the hell she wants. Eff it!!!!!

And to sit here and boo-hoo me in a message about how crappy it is that I have the kids for the holiday?!?! THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED!!!!!!!!!

Any ideas or comments about how I handled this are certainly welcome.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 01:56 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
I just now get a text "hi dad, so we're not going with you at 5:30-6:00" presumed to be from S11..


BTW, This will make GREAT evidence in my case against her for using the kids as a go between. wink
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 01:57 PM
I think your text was perfect. You shouldn't have to twist yourself in pretzels or your cousin either, to accommodate your X. I absolutely think you are doing the right thing. And yes, it's what she wanted, but she's still not happy. Not your problem.

I'm glad you're going out on Saturday. Hope you have a good time!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 02:22 PM
Thanks Karen, I'm often finding myself doing the bending with only the kids interest in mind and not my own. crazy

Now, I get a voice mail from S11 who was obviously ripped out of bed to make the call that "so we won't be seeing you tomorrow? mom can't drive and has no way of getting us out by you".

WTF do I do now? I'm of the standing, her inability to drive is certainly NOT my problem. And boy oh boy, as much as I'd hate to not see my kids on my scheduled holiday, how are you going to explain defying a court order for a mandated holiday visitation?!?!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 03:09 PM
ARRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

i have a $2.1 million budget report to balance and submit to the freaking federal government of all people TODAY and every 2 seconds my cell phone is blowing up with some type of rhetoric from her phone, using S11. I though she had to be to work?

No choice, shutting off and in my drawer, need to get focused.
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 03:19 PM
Dday,

That's exactly what I am talking about. We can put the ex behind us and move on, but because we place so much value in our kids and make it known we will do whatever is needed, whenever it is needed, for their behalf, the ex can use that to make our lives miserable.

My ex knows I will, within reason, drop everything for my kids. If I have nothing else planned, I will always be willing to take them on short notice. I will do this for them, while my xW will abuse this to suit her own selfish ends. Still, I have never complained to her, even when it has meant some inconvenience for me at times.

(And this has resulted in xW now taking the opposite tact, in denying me such extra time with the kids by letting OM watch them instead. Just to spite me. Like you said, beeyatch!)

I don't know what the terms are in your parenting agreement/settlement, but many contain stipulations for who is responsible for transporting the kids and when for exchanges. My PA doesn't really contain enough wording to cover our sitch, so I just assume I will make the trip to/from her place (or her mother's) whether I am picking up or dropping off.

I think your ex needs to move her butt and get the kids to you if that's her responsibility during drop-offs.
Posted By: kat727 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 03:26 PM
Does your agreement contain some verbage about if the parent that has the scheduled time with them isn't able to be with them, the other parent has first chance to have them before another relative or babysitter is called in? Mine does. I do have to remind him from time to time.

kat
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 03:28 PM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
I think your ex needs to move her butt and get the kids to you if that's her responsibility during drop-offs.


It is in black and white, signed by the judge HER responsibility to transport them to me.

I have only been doing the favor of picking them up since I pass right by "their" house on my way home from work, so it ony maid sense. This practice is officially over.

I have never given her the luxury of switching weekends or any unscheduled overnights so I would not end up being takenadvantage of. That has been a frim stance.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 04:03 PM
Originally Posted By: kat727
Does your agreement contain some verbage about if the parent that has the scheduled time with them isn't able to be with them, the other parent has first chance to have them before another relative or babysitter is called in? Mine does.


No, each parites time is exclusively theirs.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 04:57 PM
Uggh,

This is such bullarchy.

XW is having the kids call literally almost every 15 minutes, sounding all sob and drab, wanting to know what time I'm picking them up, and if not, "mom has no way to get us there". B/S, have your darling 'finace' drive you in my car you gave him. What's the problem?

I feel really bad because I want to call him back, but she is using them in a absolute no-no way.

And I'd love to say the heck with it and pick them up along the way home, but I REALLY feel it is time XW owns up to her choices in life and a legal document she signed herself into contract with. I've already looked it up, and if I don't see those kids tomorrow, she is in contempt of court. Granted she'll say "I can't drive, I don't have a license" Of which I'd hope the judge will be of stance enough to ask "well, why did you sign agreement obligating to transport you children for visitations?".

What to do, what to do?

Posted By: Gnosis Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 05:03 PM
Hold the line. You've set the boundary. There are consequences for both parties. Accept you share and let her live up to hers.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 05:28 PM
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
Hold the line. You've set the boundary. There are consequences for both parties. Accept you share and let her live up to hers.


Very well put, point taken, and yes, boundry is thus enforced.

Finally got a free moment and called S11 back. I don't know how many times I re-stated, this is not a conversation for you and I to be having, it is between mom and I. So, in a way, I had to set a boundry on my own kid, but enough is enough. He understood the end result and accepted and knew that I'm sorry we can't be together tonight, and I WILL see them tomorrow.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/25/09 11:23 PM
Why can't she get her license?
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 11/26/09 02:18 PM
Happy Thanksgiving, Dylan.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 02:18 AM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
Happy Thanksgiving, Dylan.


Thank you brother NCB, hope yours was well
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 02:39 AM
Ladies and Gentlemen, where do I start?

First of all, I'd love to say, by closing this thread down and moving to "Piecing", yep, it's that good.

I just spent the entire afternoon with my boys and XW, and it was wonderful. Thanksgiving in it'self, well, the begining. The emotions started pouring in from XW's front, and well, they ARE real. She wanted to come to dinner and I thought that not right at the time, plus my family is not ready for that.

XW called me the night before from "our" house. "missed me" and all that jazz. Long story short, we were both skiddish about the whole ordeal. I had a up and down time, emotional half the time.

I had to drop the boys off at "our house" the next day, that was brutal. got over it.

Yesterday, I was supposed to go out on a date, but was tired from moving stuff around in preperation for my cousin's kid moving back here, and emotionally drained from XW's comments the day prior. I extended the offer to go out, her and I for a sit down, she declined sighting stuff on her end.

Today, i got a string of messages from her wanting to talk. I finally did, and it went VERY well. We are both of thinking that this (D) was NOT the answer. grin And long story short, I miss her, she misses me, I extended the offer to dinner yet again, and SHE ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!

We went to dinner, for the first time as a group in 14 months. smile I spent quite a bit of doe, but every chance we had with the kids off playing games or something, XW and I talked. I got the chance to read her, hard, right into her eyes, and she knew it, she felt it and returned it. IT'S STILL THERE! I even got the chance to hold her hand over the table, when she got fogged and pull her out! We then took the boys for ice cream and the I dropped them off.

At that point she even extended the offer to come in. Being her father and I have some SERIOUS issues and the fact that OM lived there for so long, I declined. But we did have a beer in the back yard and made small talk.

At the end of it all, we hugged, for the first time in almost year, and it felt so good. I directly went for the back of her hair (as always) and she was fine with it (that and she had 3 inch heal on that made her tower over me frown ) I think that really confused the kids, but all is well, extrememly well on this front.

What do I do now? I don't want to be pushy. She went into today knowing by my own admission, I am stil emotionally attached, and she confirmed, she is too. And well, I saw it, you all know the look from your other that DOES NOT lie.


Heh, we even played this crossword video game at the bar where we ate. As a group. We scored 6th highest on the record, signed "the wrights".

I'll give it a few more inter actions before moving my story, but it all looks REALLY good from here. I texted XW (btw, she says she's never referred to me as anything other than her H laugh ), that the boys seemed to ahve a good time and I did too. She replied she did as well. blush
Posted By: Gnosis Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 03:07 AM
Dylan, I've been lurking on your thread for a long time... never said a word before... all I can say is the following:

BE VERY CAREFUL

Please.

Oops... just realized I have posted to you before... my bad.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 03:36 AM
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
Dylan, I've been lurking on your thread for a long time... never said a word before... all I can say is the following:

BE VERY CAREFUL

Please.


Point taken.

I guess I should ask, how many of us have had the opportuinty to stare your X, STBX, WAS, whatever, in the eye and know that they know where their heart belongs?
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 03:55 AM
I had the opportunity last about a week and half ago. Seeing the pain in his eyes and knowing that he has regrets was interesting, but it was by no means an opening of a barred door. Actually, it was unnerving.

I hope you are able to step back from this and look with eyes that are not clouded over with love. You need a clear head to even attempt R.

Cautious and hopeful.....
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 04:05 AM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
I hope you are able to step back from this and look with eyes that are not clouded over with love. You need a clear head to even attempt R.


No. Ironically I wathced "the Changeling" this moring about a a mother who never gave up for her son, in hopes he was still alive. At many times I regarded my XW (well, W as she would repsond to my probing) as dead. But, she repsonded, she knew I was searching her out. And, there she was. Alive and well. I think we'll pull thought this yet. I've never received a vaild, legitimate answer to many puzzling questions I've posted here all pointhing to XW looking for a hand, a hand I failed in extending to a vast degree.

I just want my XW to be happy, weither it's with me, or whomever, and yes, I told her that, and her eyes said where she want to be. wink
Posted By: NoCodeBlues Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 04:34 AM
Baby steps, Dylan, baby steps.

I reeaaally hope this miracle pans out for you. But I too advise caution.

I guess it's me and the road I've tread. If my xW ever said and acted as yours has, and were I ever given a chance to really stare deep into her eyes just like we did many, many years ago, I don't think I could ever trust my ability to read what's really there any longer. I've been there before, read that story before in her eyes, saw what I thought was true and genuine there -- and yet here I am now. No, no, for me there's just no going back now. I could never trust it, not with her -- not unless God himself stepped in and the whole choir invisible sang a pronouncement of her soul being saved and restored in good standing.

I just don't see that happening. And I get the feeling that God has been trying all this time to get me to realize it just ain't ever going to happen.

But then my xW has turned out to be the supreme actress, and she exudes a "sincerity" from her reality distortion field that is so believable because she believes it herself. I think I am immune to her siren song now.

That's where I hope your ex differs from mine, Dylan. I really hope she's not a "player" like mine is.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 04:36 AM
Gosh, apologize for my crappy typing, very emotional, very happy, but I guess at this atage in the game, very mis-understood.

There IS hope.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 04:44 AM
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues


That's where I hope your ex differs from mine, Dylan. I really hope she's not a "player" like mine is.


It is no play. I may be hoping, and praying, and let her know that. But, the person I saw today, and the communication through those eyes, is a person I knew I could love and trust, and we covered many aspects (too many in detail without boring every one), and I know, the person I touched tonight was genuine, and nuch the same as she was almost a year ago, yet not lost and ocnfused, but a whole heated loving person who I shouldn't fear.

I've given up on the past, after all, it is what it is. The person who gazed me back, well even said the same.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 01:01 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798


Yesterday, I was supposed to go out on a date . . .


CAREFUL, Dday. This could just be a reaction on her part to you dating, and all of the emotions surrounding the holidays.

How long has OM been out of the picture? Have you confirmed it? Is your wife willing to be fully transparent with you? What were your conditions/dealbreakers that you were looking for, and is she willing to do them? (sorry; I haven't followed your thread in quite awhile)

Piecing is for when both spouses are fully committed to the reconciliation process, and ready to take the steps necessary.

Puppy
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 01:06 PM
Oh, and I posted that BEFORE I just now read that you think she's had a blow-up with her OM less than a week ago.

Tread very slowly, buddy. I'm not seeing a lot of "meat" here; just a gaze, and you're melting.

Puppy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 01:54 PM
Thanks for dropping in Puppy.

I spent the morning driving in thinking of those conditions and dealbreakers, and re-evaluating evertyhing that has transpired in the last few days.

It's without question, she must sever all ties with him. No ifs ands or buts about it and that has always been my stance, so I don't even have to say anything to that regard. As to how long has he been out of the picture? Well, I did point out at dinner that a mark on her ring finger looked like one was pretty freshly removed. She didn't try for one second to deny it and re-itterated what she's said a hundred thousand times before, she just couldn't get serious with him, but he apparently felt otherwise. I know they've had a rocky relatation for probably the duration, seriously, what kind of whole hearted relation can be founded from an A? crazy But that is my main dealbreaker, he must go and be gone, period.

Which brings me to the condition: time. I am not ignorant tot he fact that she has been in his company as late as Saturday night. She says all they did is fight because she has told him time and time again how she feels for me and misses the togetherness of the family they destroyed together. She even went so far as tell me she said everything felt as if it were a MLC, of which I 100% agree. So, that's the main condition, time, take the time to out him once and for all, and make 100% sure she is commited should things go the route of R, which honestly I see no other way this could go. We both know how we feel, and we both know we just simply can't be friends, it would just be far to hard. And we both know that we did in fact make a huge mistake.

After I made my last post last night, she initiated a 2 hour long text exchange. Mainly thanks for the great time we had, and she enjoyed the sense of the togtherness. In the exchange, as at dinner, I said that it's a whole easier and better now that all the MR stuff is just done with, all those problems are over. Everybody's faults are out in the open and there's nothing more that can be said or done about them happening. Point blank, the slate is clean. wink

So, steps, one at a time steps, and time it's self. We both also have the advantage that we need time to re-establish our own lives, and get ourselves back on our feet too, before anything 'serious' can become.

So, in a nutshell, I guess I'm at the "show me" stage. because she does have to show me, once and for all he is gone, without question. Actually, she messaged me this morning if I was "in trouble" with my cousin (cousin got pretty pissed when I said we were going ot dinner crazy ). I just replied now, no, but if I could ask, are you? We'll see where that goes.
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 02:20 PM
Wow D, just got caught up in your thread...I am happy for you but I will say what everyone else has go slow, not just for you but more for the kids...Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 03:16 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798


So, in a nutshell, I guess I'm at the "show me" stage. because she does have to show me, once and for all he is gone, without question.


Perfect. Now is the time to ask her to send him a "no-contact" letter, and to set up a full transparency plan with you. You'll know in short order how sincere she is then.

Puppy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 03:18 PM
Thanks v-dog (still won't use VD lol). Yes, slow and steady is the course.

Originally Posted By: dday101798
she messaged me this morning if I was "in trouble" with my cousin (cousin got pretty pissed when I said we were going ot dinner crazy ). I just replied now, no, but if I could ask, are you? We'll see where that goes.


LOL, got the reply "OM isn't talking to me but I knew that was going to happen". I couldn't help but get a little synical with 'well, OM should have thought harder when he put himself in the middle of a family and just get over it'. I must say, I have come far to not have any emotion or thought of them and let her speak candidly of him, whereas before even just referencing OM as him or you know who would just bring my blood to boil.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 03:22 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
I must say, I have come far to not have any emotion or thought of them and let her speak candidly of him, whereas before even just referencing OM as him or you know who would just bring my blood to boil.


Dday, I hear what you're saying, but don't give her TOO much deference/respect when speaking of them. This:

Quote:
I just replied now, no, but if I could ask, are you? We'll see where that goes.


is too supplicating, in my opinion. Now is the time for calm STRENGTH, and loving boundaries.

Puppy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 03:24 PM
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Perfect. Now is the time to ask her to send him a "no-contact" letter, and to set up a full transparency plan with you. You'll know in short order how sincere she is then.


Way ahead of you Puppy, as said, she knows NC is a must or no-deal. And, as indicated by XW's message, OM is now not talking to her so he's getting the picture, hell she painted the picture right in front of him. Game's up buddy.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 03:32 PM
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Now is the time for calm STRENGTH, and loving boundaries.


Yes, which is why I'm letting her handle that on her own for the moment. She already knows, NC is a must and I will let her deal with it for now. She needs to end that, lose the contact and assure me of it and set her head straight. She's far too fragile to be barking orders at right now, and quite honestly, it's not my position to do so at the moment.
Posted By: iwantittowork Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 05:27 PM
Wow dday,

I must say, this seems like an amazing turnaround. I know this has been said before, but be very careful for yourself, and it looks like you are doing so.

Wishing you luck, man, and strength whatever you run into coming up!
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 05:40 PM
I'm happy for you if that's what you want. I agree with Puppy and others; about the no-contact and transparency. Make her work and show you she truly wants this. I think going slow would be good for you and your boys also. I think she has to earn back your trust, and really work for that.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 06:26 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Perfect. Now is the time to ask her to send him a "no-contact" letter, and to set up a full transparency plan with you. You'll know in short order how sincere she is then.


Way ahead of you Puppy, as said, she knows NC is a must or no-deal. And, as indicated by XW's message, OM is now not talking to her so he's getting the picture, hell she painted the picture right in front of him. Game's up buddy.


I'm sorry, but that seemed like a dodge of an answer, Dday, unless I'm not understanding you properly.

DID you ask your wife to send a no-contact letter to OM, and DID you insist upon a boundary of total transparency with you?

It's not enough to say "she knows where I stand" on these critical issues. A no-contact letter, the content of which should be approved by YOU, and which should be MAILED by you (so that nothing is added) is imperative so that OM understands that just because they're not in contact NOW, doesn't mean he can re-initiate it LATER. It also lets him know that SHE will not be initiating it later.

Transparency is her sharing her log-on/passwords for e-mail, Facebook, etc., and getting detailed billing on her cellphone (after changing #s, preferably), the bill now going to YOU. Exchanging daily schedules, leaving her phone out and unlocked, etc.

Have you discussed ANY of these specifics with her? confused

Puppy

Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 06:28 PM
I'm not trying to be a buzzkiller, Dday, it's just that I've seen too many false recoveries than I care to see, and we ALL want you to succeed!

Puppy
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 06:49 PM
DITTO absolutely everything Puppy said!!!!

Careful, deliberate, and completely in control with total transparency is the only way this has a chance of working.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 07:21 PM
Well, Puppy, I see where you are coming from and that's where it gets complicated.

I'm sorry if in my giddiness last night if I mislead anybody, but it's not like she's coming home or anything, we don't have a home or M anymore. All of this just came to surface in the past few days and what she says she wants to do. She has not made a commitment yet that this is what she will do.

So if I just start laying out what she can and can't do, I'd might as well start throwing darts at the calander for March of next year, as that is when she'll speak to me again at the earliest. However, when she "wanted" to come home previously, and we had a home and a MR to come home to, YES, I did at that time lay those boundries. And each and everytime since, especially now this time given how serious she seems, I only remind her, those boundries have already been set and she knows what she needs to do.

I don't know, does that make any sense?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 07:34 PM
No, not really -- I'm kinda confused (but then again, I haven't really followed your sitch, as I said). You mentioned moving to "Piecing," which is why I thought you two were talking about reconciling.

If not, then I'd just suggest you go slow and date each other, and see where it leads. But I think you need to do so with your OWN heart set on the fact that she will probably still be in contact with OM. If you can date your own wife while she's still seeing someone else, more power to ya, but I couldn't.

Otherwise, it's not really a boundary; it's more like a "geeIwishyouwouldn't."

If she claims she's ended it, but you're not yet willing to discuss no-contact and transparency with her, then your reply should be "I really wish I could believe that," or some variation.

Puppy
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 07:59 PM
Puppy I understand where you are coming from but doesn't it make a difference if the D is already final? You're not dating your own W you're dating a woman...I'm just wondering if/how it changes when the D is already complete.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 08:02 PM
Like I said, it gets confusing. We did/are talk of R, that's where the piecing bit came in. However, we are full blown divorced, so, like I've said, it's a clean slate now. Sure, there's kids and the history of it all, but, it would start out as just 'dating'. For what it's worth, I find the concept of dating your ex-wife much more comfortable than your estranged, adultrus wife crazy .

So yes slow and graceful, and that's going to be hard because there was so much emotion flowing over the table last night, and no I'm not all melty gooey about it, I don't know how to explain it other than like that feeling when you know a person is going to be someone special when you meet them.

I mean, you got your W back right? Was that energetic feeling not there in your sitch and just slowly work it's way back in or something? That's why my situation has always perplexed me. Every body else seemed to just lose that feeling with their S all together. For us, it never left. Yeah, she was off with OM and all, but I could take comfort in I had something he didn't, doesn't and never will.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 08:45 PM
Yes, I do think it's different if you are fully divorced. I'm sorry I missed that "little" detail, Dday. blush

That being said, "it does, but it doesn't," kwim? Because it all comes down to establishing trust, and what the betrayed spouse is comfortable with. If Dday says "It is a matter of personal integrity to me that I couldn't date you if you were still in contact with the man who helped to break up our marriage," than that is his boundary, and he has a right to it. His XW then has a right to respectfully decline, saying "I understand, but I can't commit to that."

However, if she DOES want to try to help her XH rebuild his trust, and respects his boundary and agrees to it (and it sounds like she has? or is at least claiming that there is no more contact??), then I think Dday has every right to insist upon transparency, if they are to date.

It's a grey area, but it goes to the difference between "boundaries" and "ultimatums." Ultimatums are about the OTHER person, and are controlling: "I forbid you to see OM."

Boundaries are about YOU, and are matters of personal integrity: "I cannot feel safe in a new relationship with you, when you are still in contact with the man with whom you had an affair while we were still married." To me, that seems like a fair boundary, it's Dday's responsibility to communicate it clearly to her if that's indeed how he feels (and it sounds like he has), and it's then up to his xW what she wants to do with that information.

But I DON'T think it can work (not for Dday, anyway, and that's who we're supporting here) for her to say "OK, yes, I respect that," and just CLAIM to not be in contact with the OM anymore. Because -- on this subject -- she has already shown herself to be deceitful, and therefore untrustworthy.

Just my two cents.

Puppy
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 08:49 PM
Quote:
Boundaries are about YOU, and are matters of personal integrity: "I cannot feel safe in a new relationship with you, when you are still in contact with the man with whom you had an affair while we were still married." To me, that seems like a fair boundary, it's Dday's responsibility to communicate it clearly to her if that's indeed how he feels (and it sounds like he has), and it's then up to his xW what she wants to do with that information.


I agree 100% with that...
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 11/30/09 08:54 PM
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
However, if she DOES want to try to help her XH rebuild his trust, and respects his boundary and agrees to it (and it sounds like she has? or is at least claiming that there is no more contact??), then I think Dday has every right to insist upon transparency, if they are to date.


Exacatmundo! wink
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/01/09 02:14 PM
Well,

Hopefully the cleansing of OM has begun.

XW was to set up an appointment for S11 to get his physical done and I hadn't heard anything by the time I left work. So I texted her that I was leaving work and if there was any updates to when his appointment would be. She replied it is on Friday. Then a few minutes later she replied back "oh yeah, hi!". Being confused by this I replied 'hi' aswell, then she did the same.

Trying to drag humor into the situation I sent "lol, "hi" war", meaning what is this a war of 'hi's' until somebody gives up? She replies, "No I never want that ever" which I didn't get a chance to reply to right away because I was on the road. So she then comes back asking if I'm mad at her. crazy I said no, driving, and when I got home replied, "why would you think I was mad". And thus she finally calls. We made small talk over each other's work days, initiated by me asking how her day was, something I failed to do often thrughout the course of the M (yep, keeping the 180's going). That put her in good spirits, good enough to inform that she was resting in the (our) jacuzzi tub, sipping a wine and soaking, and was just thinking of things (we had some really good time in that tub after I installed it) shocked

That made my head kind of flutter and I did have the oven pre-heating for dinner and dog barking all over the yard, so she opted to let me go. Short converation, but productive.

Then, here's where things get weird. About a half hour later, she calls again, wants to know if I'm missing any money. As soon as I say 'no, I don't keep cash on hand', the phone's cut out. I call her back right away and get her voice mail and clarify the phones cut out and to let me know what is going on, figuring S12 has been hocking his video games or something at school again. No reply.

I wait an hour and call again, another voice mail. I should say this is also another 180 for me, I was always of the mindset of 'if it's that important, you'll back'. No reply.

Now, it's easy to think, and after texting her another half hour later, she sasys her phone died. She finally did call back, sounding upset, says she was tired and her back was hurting, but she sounded like she was crying, I even asked, she said no.

Anyway S12 apparently took his lunch money for next month and some money from Xw's stash and bought a bike from some kid was the issue. Why would you give him $60 cash? crazy

But any way, again, she said she was just tired, and laying in her bed, like trying to give me this visual.

Eh-well.

I have my suspicion OM is seeing the door close on him and is trying to get his foot in. Dang, I wish I still lived in town. Eh, well, I have utmost faith that if she wants what she says she does, she'll do the right thing.

I haven't received any message or anything from her yet today.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/01/09 02:41 PM
heh, haven't posted one of these in a while:

(from the Chicago Tribune)

Mine-
Gemini (May 21-June 21) -- Today is a 7 -- You need your imagination to figure out what others want. You accomplish a lot today through practical effort.

XW's-
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) -- Today is an 8 -- Ideas take you in two directions at once. By afternoon you decide which path to pursue. Results are good.

Sometimes those things are just waaaaay to creepy. crazy
Posted By: Gnosis Re: Newbie (again) - 12/01/09 02:58 PM
Quote:
Sometimes those things are just waaaaay to creepy.

And most times they are so general you read what you want into them.

Yours is telling you to mindread (A DB no-no...) and tell me when was the last time you put 'practical effort' i.e. using your hands and you didn't accomplish anything?

As for your wife's... ahem... maybe she wants a new hair-do. One direction is to DIY or the other is go to a salon. Either way, results are good.

What makes you think I don't believe in Horror-scope? wink

Dylan you're focusing WAAAYYY too much on this. Find something else to occupy your mind. What's happening with your cousin and your moving out?
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/01/09 04:12 PM
LOL, no typically I read them at the end of the day to see how close they really were.

I do not use them to set the tone or direction of the day at all, just entertainment purposes. YOU my friend, are reading way too much into that. grin

I have plenty to occupy my time with a shrinking desk from incoming work, and the work of others it seems.

My cousin, well, she seems to think I'm just going to up and move in with my XW. I caan't stress how there is no way in the world that will be. XW has A LOT of clearing her head and life of OM. I have to get my finances and everything else straightened out, and without extra income, that ain't happening no time soon. frown

In the mean time, if XW wishs to get together for dinners minus the kids, cool. Go out for a night, awesome. It's a chance to rebuild should she so se fit. And right now, XW needs to show me she is willing to do that, if not, life goes on. wink
Posted By: Gnosis Re: Newbie (again) - 12/01/09 04:20 PM
Quote:
YOU my friend, are reading way too much into that.

You betcha!! Guilty as charged. grin

Quote:
In the mean time, if XW wishs to get together for dinners minus the kids, cool. Go out for a night, awesome. It's a chance to rebuild should she so se fit. And right now, XW needs to show me she is willing to do that, if not, life goes on

You know what Dylan? THAT ^^^^^^^ is the healthiest thing I've heard you say in a LONNNNG time.

Way to go! I, for one, hope to see more of this guy hanging around here and telling us how good life is.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 12:32 AM
Make sure you're not plan 'B.'
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 01:42 PM
Originally Posted By: Sgfan
Make sure you're not plan 'B.'


ohhh, absolutely. The ball is in her court to show me as she eludes to, I was 'Plan A' all along, but she lost sight of that.

Much like yesterday, I put the notion to make and mantain contact on her for the day. We went back and forth on a few messages until about 10am then everything stopped, minus a text I had to send around 1pm regarding S11's P.E. teacher emailing me that he's about to be serving a detention for not being prepared again for class and has not turned in one assignment all quarter. No reply.

As 8pm rolled around and no contact I got to thinking, 'well, either A) she's gotten cold feet B)she's afixed on clearing her mind of OM, or C) she's with OM. Either way, I said to myself it doesn't matter, if she wants this, she's the one to work for it, I can go in any direction I see fit. [and it feels really good to have that mindset by the way]

No sooner than I clear my head of that, XW calls. smile Turns out she had a chaotic day at work, got 'home' late, and had since getting home was dealing with the situation of S12 and the other kids's parents regarding getting her money back for the bicycle the kid try to sell him. What a mess that was. crazy

so we worked together on that issue, than S11's school problems. Heh, the kid seems to have forgotten already what it's like to have dad AND mom tag team you when you slack off. Of course S12 refused to get on the phone as we still have yet to find out where exactly he got all the money to purchase this bike.

So, mainly an all business call, I wasn't about to probe to find out how things were going otherwise, she can tell me when she's ready or wanting to. It was getting late and she needed to do laundry and was just frustrated with the boys (and referencing how it sucked to be doing it 'alone') but had to go and get them ready for school today and all.

A few minutes after we hung up, her tone of frustration got the better of me and I didn't want her screaming at the boys, so I just shot a text 'hey, be calm but in control with them. Sorry I can't do more, but there's only so much I can do through a phone'. Not with intent to be cruel or anything, just a tap on the shoulder as reminder of not only how things are, but also what she said she misses. So, we'll see.
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 01:50 PM
You sound like you're head is in the exact right spot, good for you.

The only thing I may nit-pik with is the last text you sent...I understand the intent but sometimes texts can be taken wrong because the person reading doesn't know the "tone".

Keep up the good work.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 02:18 PM
Originally Posted By: volleydog
You sound like you're head is in the exact right spot, good for you.

The only thing I may nit-pik with is the last text you sent...I understand the intent but sometimes texts can be taken wrong because the person reading doesn't know the "tone".

Keep up the good work.


Hey v-dag.

Nah, it's ok, she' knows without question my tone where the kids is concerned. And if whatever reason she mis-read it, there suredly would have been a response, and she no problem exchanging 'goodnight wishes' later on. So, it's cool.

Yes, I am very happy with where my head is at right now. It's nice to finally know, from the person who made me feel so unwanted, so rejected, and so worthless, that I am not. And it is really nice to have the stance that I can chose whoever I want to be with. They may hurt me the same as XW did, or they may not, so it's up to XW to show me why I should chose to be with THE person who DID hurt me that way.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 04:54 PM
So this little exchange transpired after XW made inital contact this morning with "mornin!" and some small talk insued, then:

XW: did (cousin) tell you to stay away from me?
me: no. why
XW: just don't want you in trouble, but can't stop thinking about you!

[pause as my phone memory was full and had to delete messages]

XW: sorry
me: sorry for what?
XW: if that made you uncomroftable
me: no, not at all
me: the question on the table is what do you want to do
XW: whatever flows natural and feels right

I was walking back to my building, thinking, ok, this can no longer continue via text, nor even a phone conversation. If XW is proclaiming that she is willing to actually take the action and throw caution to the wind and work at a new relationship, that needs to be done in person. I need to hear this first hand, face to face. Then (and here's where puppy dog tails gets his treat) the boundry of OM being 100%, no ifs ands or buts about, GONE will be laid out. And we'll have to establish a transparency plan that ensures me of this.

Then, things will "flow" nice and slowly, casual outtings with the kids first while she clears her head of him. Progress will monitored for re-assurances that NC has been established, and yes, I like the idea that a letter be written, and approved by me, and mailed by me (and yes, I know his address so it will be going to the right place). Now, she opened up another can of worms in the fact she got him a job at her work. Well, guess what, she'll just have to get him out of a job there.

And once those assurances are established, we can then let that "natural" thing ride it's course like a normal relationship (that obviously has a more objective goal to it).

Thoughts, critisisms?
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 05:35 PM
Quote:
me: the question on the table is what do you want to do
XW: whatever flows natural and feels right
Keep in mind you know the mood I'm in this week! Plus, I'm a natural worrier. But....that sounds like typical WAS speak to me, "whatever flows natural and feels right"? I think esp. with kids involved, things have to go slow, and she will have to do work to earn on the R and to earn your trust back. If she's ready to do that fine, but if not, I think you need to run for the hills....D, I do think you have the right attitude now, but if she's not willing to get on board, then that's a huge red flag, which I know you already know.

Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 05:39 PM
Completely agreed Karen, that's the basic plan.
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 05:41 PM
Sounds like a great plan...Letting her know things can't flow naturally if OM is in picture at all.
Posted By: karen43 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 05:45 PM
Yes, yes, exactly VD, um volleydog.... smile
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 05:47 PM
ah crap, now my thread's got VD! sick

grin

comedy break
Posted By: Gnosis Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 06:05 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
ah crap, now my thread's got VD! sick

ROFLMAO
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 06:16 PM
It's not that bad, a simple shot will help... wink
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 06:26 PM
Originally Posted By: volleydog
It's not that bad, a simple shot will help... wink


Heck, I'd need a lot of shots and a lot of beers after that news.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 06:38 PM
Originally Posted By: karen43
Quote:
me: the question on the table is what do you want to do
XW: whatever flows natural and feels right
Keep in mind you know the mood I'm in this week! Plus, I'm a natural worrier. But....that sounds like typical WAS speak to me, "whatever flows natural and feels right"?



I'm with Karen -- that's pretty classic "fogspeak," Dday.

I also don't like ONE WHIT that she got a job for him at her place of work. As they say on SNL, "Not helpful." mad cool

Puppy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 06:51 PM
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: karen43
Quote:
me: the question on the table is what do you want to do
XW: whatever flows natural and feels right
Keep in mind you know the mood I'm in this week! Plus, I'm a natural worrier. But....that sounds like typical WAS speak to me, "whatever flows natural and feels right"?



I'm with Karen -- that's pretty classic "fogspeak," Dday.

I also don't like ONE WHIT that she got a job for him at her place of work. As they say on SNL, "Not helpful." mad cool

Puppy


Hmmm, maybe this where things get lost in translation of the texting world. I read that as "Whatever flows natural and feels right between us, pace, severity, living together, etc". Whereas 'fogspeak' would be, 'whatever works best for XW with whomever, me, OM, some jerk out in left field'. That, my spidey-senses would pick up on, or regester on the B/S detector as a back up.

She's not the greatest texter in the world (which is funny seeing how often she does). That is why, sure, great, get the thought out on the table, but it will be discussed in detail at the negotiations. eh?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 08:29 PM
No disrespect, Dday, but where have your "spidey senses" gotten you so far on the subject of your wife's truthfulness and fidelity? confused
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/02/09 08:43 PM
OUCH!
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 02:30 PM
You know, as I posting a reply to a WAW who now wants to reconcille with her XH and is not doing so well communicating with him and pushing him away something clicked in my head.

I have said and questioned time and time again certain things that my XW has done that is out of character with a a-typical WAS scinerio. There were never any solid expinations offered either.

I want to stress, as puzzling a creature she may, and crafty when she needs to be, I am NOT stupid. I am telling you now, she is presenting herself in a whole different posture now. She is making very certain not to say things in certain ways, or do more than brush the surface of certain subjects. And yes, she IS being open with any inquiry of anything with OM versus shading it.

Why did I fall for all B/S previously? I was a hurt and devistated LBS, plain and simple. I would take anything she said as the gospel truth only because I let my heart listen to it and not my head. And most the time, I knew it was crap just to bait me along, I knew it, but just had hope in all the wrong places.

Now, I listen with my head to protect my heart. Big difference there. I don't need to hope anymore. i think I've said this everyday here now, and it has become my moto over my morning cup of coffee: I can chose to be with whomever I want now. Thus it is XW's job to show me why I should chose someone who has caused so much pain.

And thus far, she is treading very carefuly not to do anything to say or do anything that would push me away, hell, it's almost as if she is DB'ing me now, which truthruly, I think she should be. I can walk whenever I want.

I'm kind of dissapointed in the morale of some responses, not very in the spirit of saving marriages. I know this woman. I only spent more than a decade with her day in and day out. And I knew things were headed down the crapper for a while and only fogged myself with the notion that tomorrow is another day until tomorrow didn't come and she left me, a changed into different woman. And right now, there are no indicators of that woman she became, whereas before, there was, but I just wanted my W back at any cost.

I do moreover, forgive her and understand, and over all, accept.

That said, we spent some time on the phone last night after some casual joking texts after she tried calling while I was making dinner. She asked what I was making, so I told her, kilbasa, kraut, perogies in a garlic & onion sauce. Heh, hit the bohemian in her hard, even sent her a picture of the completed plate. Anyway when we spoke later on, it was all good, and she is already aware that we need to have a SERIOUS sit down chat and go over things. wink

day by day. smile
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 02:43 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798


I'm kind of dissapointed in the morale of some responses, not very in the spirit of saving marriages. I know this woman. I only spent more than a decade with her day in and day out.


Day-by-Day,

We all knew our women. I had been married to mine for 22 years, and had four children with her, when I swore up and down to everyone on the old SSM forum who was trying to warn me: SHE IS NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR. If anything, she is asexual. She doesn't have the time. I know my wife. All of it. Then I got the keylogger showing me she was, indeed, having an affair with a 27 year old guy who still lived with his parents.

Please don't lecture us on the spirit of saving marriages. We all come here -- some of us despite our own marriages having already been saved and we want to give something back, and some of us having lost our marriages (but finding themselves), and wanting to help others avoid the pain of what we went through.

All we can do is call 'em as we see 'em. But you clearly don't want to hear it, and I really don't want to beat you up, so I'll just wish you well and hope that I was wrong.

Puppy
Posted By: volleydog Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 03:21 PM
D I think everyone here has your best interest at heart we don't want to see you hurt again. I agree you know more about the totality of you situation and you are going to do what you think is best, we all do...I don't think anyone here wouldn't be happy for you to fix your M we just want you to protect yourself and have an outside opinion.

Perogies yum...My grandmother used to make perogies for us, it was an all day process and the best thing I've ever eaten...I miss those, never found anything close to her's.
Posted By: antlers Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 03:32 PM
People who aren't emotionally attached to a situation are sometimes able to view it more objectively than those who are emotionally attached to it.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 05:47 PM
Just preaching caution, boundaries, and accountability D. Nothing I wouldn't tell any one of my friends in any sort of R.

You know your W, you are better aware of when she is being sincere. I would love to see a success come from your journey, really I would, but no matter the outcome you know that you have grown and improved because of it, right?

Pierogie???? YUM! Unfortunately, the only time I've ever had real, handmade pierogie was about 12 years ago when I was visiting my family in Ohio. Otherwise I only get the frozen kind. Not many places in Georgia that have a polish population, so no restaurants that serve them.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 05:54 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
but no matter the outcome you know that you have grown and improved because of it, right?


Absolutely. wink
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 06:56 PM
DDay,

I'll agree that there are some posters around who do not seem interested in saving marriages, none of them are currently posting to you.

The posters here are looking out for your best interests, and they only have what you decide to tell us to base it on. The good advce offered is designed to help you avoid the pitfalls we stepped in. Or to show you what we have found to be successful.

Right now it looks like you are about to enter pie(R)cing.
It is hard. It sucks worse then 'standing', because you get to relearn everything. Things that you use to do to protect yourself, now become determental to rebuilding a new relationship with your wife.

You have to be firm with your boundaries, you have to be cautious, you have to be forgiving, you have to bend. And that is just you, you have to trust AND verify, and your wife, who has already shown you a history capable of hurting you has to do the same.

The first time you fight, you think it is over. The first time you have sex you think everything is going to be ok.

Let me say this though, based upon what you have written about you; you seem to be in the right frame of mind to make this work.

One last comment about advice:

If something said hurts you. You need to evalute it.

If I called you fat, and you are skinny, you aren't going to feel a thing and I'm just an asshat.

If I called you fat, and you are, I'm still an asshat but if you aren't ok with being fat it is going to sting.

Evalute the advice that hurts or stings, even if its just a little, it will shows you what you need to work on in yourself, for yourself.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 07:07 PM
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
DDay,

I'll agree that there are some posters around who do not seem interested in saving marriages, none of them are currently posting to you.


I guess I should have made my statement as more of a blanket statement. I have no beefs with anyone here in this particular thread, if I did, I'd openly call it out. Thus, my apologies to anyone who took it as directed at them.

Yeah, I got kicked in the go-nads pretty good yesterday, but I'm a big boy. wink

I just notice in some other areas where I'd like to help, there's some of those posters as you say. And I just get frustrated.

Thank you very much for the words of wisdom Jack. I think will be printing them out and reading them daily through the next phase of this journey.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 07:30 PM
Ok, I was tempted to throw this in the new thread "Transparancy" as this is going to be the main topic of discussion here VERY soon with XW.

The deal here is: XW's situation with OM. They were childhood neighbors for years, given the tightness of the community, she is involved with that entire family. OM's sister was XW's best friend all thrughout school, and was our Maid of Honor at our wedding. And, last but not least, XW and OM are god-parents to OM's sister's child.

Last year, when XW propsed wanting to break it off with OM and work towards us being friends with the chance to have a R later on, I told her I simply could not do so and trust her in having ANY contact with that ENTIRE family.

I still do not feel this to be unreasonable.

Thoughts/comments?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 09:02 PM
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans


The first time you fight, you think it is over. The first time you have sex you think everything is going to be ok.


OMG, that is soooooo true!!! laugh

Puppy
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 09:04 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
Ok, I was tempted to throw this in the new thread "Transparancy" as this is going to be the main topic of discussion here VERY soon with XW.

The deal here is: XW's situation with OM. They were childhood neighbors for years, given the tightness of the community, she is involved with that entire family. OM's sister was XW's best friend all thrughout school, and was our Maid of Honor at our wedding. And, last but not least, XW and OM are god-parents to OM's sister's child.

Last year, when XW propsed wanting to break it off with OM and work towards us being friends with the chance to have a R later on, I told her I simply could not do so and trust her in having ANY contact with that ENTIRE family.

I still do not feel this to be unreasonable.

Thoughts/comments?


Has anyone else in this family (other than OM) shown that they are NOT supportive of your marriage?

I dunno, I'm as hard-core as they get around here, but this seems a little unreasonable to me, if she's that close with the other, female members of the family.

Puppy
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 09:07 PM
Thoughts.

Boundaries are for you.

If this is what you NEED then this is what it is.
Unreasonable? Throw that out the window.

The OM/OW boundary IS an ultimatum, but not to punish the spouse, it is to protect you. You need to rebuild your trust in her and she needs to prove she is trustworthy. Trust was broken in the past time for her to pay the bill. Actions have consequences, for you and your willingness to try, this is her consequence.

The OM...this shitbird is going to try and keep in contact. To that end, you're likely going to jump at the wrong conclusions.

If you lay this boundary down on her and she agrees to it. Then you must know that this guy is still going to sniff around your X.

When that happens, as long as she is not the one seeking him out, then you should as part of the boundary tell her to let you know when he calls, drops by or emails her, because when you find out...and you will, if you are smart enough to VERIFY her actions, it will be bad for her if she didn't inform you. Because now it looks like she broke your boundary..and well..bye the fukc bye to her.

I simply told my wife, "If he is in your life in any capacity, I won't be."
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 09:15 PM
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Has anyone else in this family (other than OM) shown that they are NOT supportive of your marriage?

I dunno, I'm as hard-core as they get around here, but this seems a little unreasonable to me, if she's that close with the other, female members of the family.

Puppy


Well, according to XW in prior conversations when I knew I shouldn't listen to word she says (and where this is concerned I didn't), she claims OM's sister opposed their relationship and asked XW numerous times "WTF do you think you're doing?". Again, according to XW.

Fact of the matter is, I believe that XW met up with OM at his sister's before the A was exposed on a few occasions and I know they were there after. To me, that says the sister certainly didn't support our marriage, which was a key point when XW balked at the concept of not speaking to her either. I said that since this person, our maid of honor, allowed this to transpire and come together under her roof, she is no friend of mine, and certainly no-one I could trust you around.

The rest of the family is mainly OM's mother whom I know XW can live without, and I've ran into on few occasion and couldn't even look me in the face when saying "hello" on the street.
Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 09:16 PM
LOL, I'm more hard core than Pup?

Tight knit family of the OM...

I am reminded of a quote I like.

"The friend of my enemy is my enemy"

DDay, look man if you are going overboard, and you know it...then yes it is unreasonable. However, if this is what you NEED? Then it is your boundary.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 12/03/09 09:23 PM
Piggy-backing on what Jack said:

- If the OM's sister enabled their affair in any way, or if for any other verified reason she is NOT supportive of your marriage, then you are not being unreasonable.

- Even if you CAN'T verify it, as Jack said, if YOU find their contact unpalatable -- if you can't feel safe in the relationship if your wife is in contact with this other family -- then you're STILL not being unreasonable, because, as Jack said, this is YOUR boundary.

It's all about you.

Puppy
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/04/09 01:33 PM
OH MY GOD!

Somebody pinch me and tell me it was all a dream........oh wait, couldn't have been becasuse I haven't been to sleep blush

I get 'home' last night and get into the mix of making dinner and get a text from XW "what's up", I reply 'making dinner'. She then replies "so we're not going to bourbon st. (concert club we used to frequent on Thursday nights)". I figured she was pulling my leg. But guess what, we ended up there, ALL night.

It was like the past 2 years have never happened for the most part. We laughed, we joked, we sang along with the band, we cuddled, she drew me close to her and had her hand on my thigh all night, and after "the talk" we kissed, several times, 4 of which were heated and I thought we would get kicked out. grin I can't even remember when exactly the last time I kissed her was!

On the more serious matters, XW is fully aware and willing to sever ties with whomever not only I but she feels is threat to the re-birth of our R. When I asked her what of the damage done to family ties, mainly her father, she says she will handle him and doesn't care what he thinks.

We shared some very remorseful tears and fessed up both our faults voluntarily in the MR breakdown with out faulting the other.

THIS folks, is IT! The real deal! Yes, I will keep a watchful eye for anything of suspicion and she knows it. She knows she has to re-establish trust from me and is commited to do what it takes. Thus, the action will speak louder than those words, but for the time being everything looks in order and there were no surprises on the table (other than her willingness to oust a few 'friends' who were detrimental to the survival of our M.

I don't know if it's cause I'm cold, tired, or just plain overjoyed, but I can not stop shaking. blush

The odd but refreshing part is while she was getting ready to go out (and in a very good mood about it), she says S11 asked her why she was so happy looking and where was she going. She didn't want to say, but him being my boy read her and "excitedly asked, 'are you going out with dad tonight?" she says she tried to not give a specific answer but he kept insisting so she told him 'yes' and she says he lit up like a christmas tree.

So that is my 27 hour day in a nutshell thus far. God I hope I make through today, I have to cover for a absent co-worker, leave early and take S11 for his physical, then fly back to work for my christmas dinner party. It's going to be a loooooong day. But it was all worth it, time flew by so quickly, we couldn't believe it when we looked thrughout the ever emptying club and they were shutting down crazy

Please, please, do not kill this for me. Yes, I know there are risks, and I told her, my defenses are on high and on the watch for anything because of the hurt that has been caused and I will not go through it again. That said, I really think we are going places with this!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 12/04/09 01:57 PM
PLEASE take it slow and easy, Dday. You're saying all the right things about being careful and cautious, but your tone just SCREAMS "melty man" and you're WAY too amped up.

Yeah, yeah, i know -- I'm a buzzkiller. But I've seen more false starts around here than I care to, and you are SO much like me it's not even funny. I have always LEAPED back in, both feet, caution-to-the-wind, and I always regret it.

SLOW and STEADY. Make her earn her way back into your heart.

Puppy

P.S. If you think I'm wrong, ask yourself this, and try to answer it honestly: would you insist upon the "no-contact whatsoever with OM's family" thing if she came to you RIGHT NOW and asked you nicely? Or would you be able to hold your ground? confused confused
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/04/09 02:19 PM
heh, puppy, my excitement is released here, much like venting, ranting, right now I'm releasing my excitement and not melty man in front of her. wink

Yes, slow and steady. And she knows she has work to do, I was pretty blunt on that.

And yes, I re-itterated firmly, no contact with OM and as far as I'm concerned the entire family, she was ok with that. This was said when XW states "you are my other half, no-one else, I was wrong, we are halves" And I told her point blank, 'then you need to get rid of the wedge the came between us once and for all and with my insight and knowledge.'
Posted By: Gnosis Re: Newbie (again) - 12/04/09 02:39 PM
Quote:
And I told her point blank, 'then you need to get rid of the wedge the came between us once and for all and with my insight and knowledge.'

Nice response!

Glad you had a good time Dylan. Enjoy the love drugs and keep upping her dosage. One thing you need to realize: She has not had time to go through OM withdrawal and she's just switching 'dealers' right now. Take advantage of this fact to get her 'addicted' to you, while you 'keep yourself clean'.

I'd like to share something with you. There is ONE thing I keep telling my niece(23) and nephew(17): "Your relationship doesn't begin until the after first fight. It's what happens after that fight and how the two of you handle it that determines the path ahead."
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/04/09 02:59 PM
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
One thing you need to realize: She has not had time to go through OM withdrawal and she's just switching 'dealers' right now.


Realized, noted and stated in the 'serious' talk. I told her we need to go nice and easy, for the kids to adjust and for her to get over OM while my trust rebuilds in her.

Like I said, I'm all giddy here, but when it came to this issues I was cool, calm and to the point, no beating around the bush, and made sure each and every concern was received.
Posted By: dday101798 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/04/09 06:17 PM
Well, I think I 'm shutting this bad boy down and going "piecing". grin
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Newbie (again) - 12/04/09 06:52 PM
Quote:
Please, please, do not kill this for me.


Why would anyone kill you for this? Isn't this the kind of response everyone here hoped for at some time? I'm very excited for you!!! So excited that when I read that my heart sped up to 'race'!

The cautionary notes are only because we don't want you going through that horrible pain again. A large percentage of us have been through the 'false start' reconcilliations. Trust me, the pain of being dumped yet again is actually worse than the first time. I hope your xw figures herself out and doesn't race back to her hole again so that you don't have to go through that.

BEST OF LUCK!!!!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Newbie (again) - 12/04/09 08:19 PM
Originally Posted By: dday101798
heh, puppy, my excitement is released here, much like venting, ranting, right now I'm releasing my excitement and not melty man in front of her. wink

Yes, slow and steady. And she knows she has work to do, I was pretty blunt on that.

And yes, I re-itterated firmly, no contact with OM and as far as I'm concerned the entire family, she was ok with that. This was said when XW states "you are my other half, no-one else, I was wrong, we are halves" And I told her point blank, 'then you need to get rid of the wedge the came between us once and for all and with my insight and knowledge.'


Niiiiiice. whistle
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Newbie (again) - 12/04/09 10:29 PM
Wow...
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