Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: mastateflower Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/13/08 02:13 AM
Since most of the people here at this Surviving are clear that their marriage is over maybe it's a good time to talk about the danger of the rebound relationship.

How do we get caught in a rebound?

Some people figure if it's ok for him why not me?
Some are desperate to know that they are attractive after all.
Some just desperately need to feel needed.
Others just want to feel something - anything at all!

But none of these reasons to start dating are proof that your ready for dating. In fact most of them prove that your not ready for dating.

Trust me I know what I'm talking about. Be there, done that!

Also part of what you need to consider are the kids. You may have decided that you are ready to date but honestly are your kids ready to have other adults introduced into the mix?

Would love to hear what you all think. Any horror stories? Any success stories?

Ok I'll start with horror stories - one guy I started to see, went out I think three times...found out he was married and I was the candidate to be the OW! Me of all people to be OW! Oh I don't think so!

Gigi
Posted By: TwinDragon Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/13/08 05:33 AM
Hey, I'm the first. Pass me a glass of Riesling, ice cold if you please.

First let me say, that I had the rebound relationship and like most it didn't work out. And because she was a rebound, I didn't see the red flags that I should have. But, I found that she is what I needed at the time to help me grow.

Quote:
How do we get caught in a rebound?

Some people figure if it's ok for him why not me?
Some are desperate to know that they are attractive after all.
Some just desperately need to feel needed.
Others just want to feel something - anything at all!


I think I had a little of each of these reasons in my rebound. Also, it was nice to have someone like me and want to be with me.

I think that if you are using these reasons, you are not ready for dating. You need to be stronger than that to make it work.

Quote:
Also part of what you need to consider are the kids. You may have decided that you are ready to date but honestly are your kids ready to have other adults introduced into the mix?


I agree highly with this statement. I had to chuckle when I was dating my rebound. My D8 said to me one day after I had been dating for 3 months, "Dad, you love me and I love you." I said, "Yes." She said, "Sissy loves you and you love her." Again, I said, "Yes." She said, "I love sissy and she loves me." I said, "Yes." She said, "That's a whole lot of love, I guess we have enough for you to love 'rebound'". I knew at that time that my kids were ready and would accept a new woman in my life. So the kids will let you know when they are ready. I believe that you should wait till after 3 months of being serious to introduce the kids and serious is not first sex. It is serious when you start thinking about a future and maybe marriage.

Some horror stories: My rebound was hoping I wouldn't get custody, so once I did she left soon after. Since then, I've gone out on a few dates. One had a serious drinking problem. One ended up dying due to a complication from surgery. One was just looking for multiple friends with benefits, had been in a 24 year marriage and had not been with any other man than her husband. One said she loved me at the end of first date and wanted to move in with me.

Hoping for success: Well, I am currently dating a lady and I am very optomistic about this one.

Ok, well. I hope I added to the fun.

TD
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/13/08 06:36 AM
My cop buddy had to chase my rebound chick out of my life.

Not kidding here. As previously noted, I spun out on booze and coke while going through my D. Ended up getting roped in by this girl who used the crap out of me. Could see I was hurting and played up to it so I would keep funding the party.

Had to get her removed from my house eventually when I tried to get clean/sober. Thankfully it worked.

Man, I was a sucker in those days for tender (seemingly) understanding words and touch.

Looking back, I was emotional road-kill for quite a while after D. Even when I started my current R.

Glad to say done a ton of work and continue doing so. Life does get better. But we gotta do the work. Frankly, in my experience, rebound situations are an inevitablity for most of us. I think we almost have to have one to get it out of our system before we can love again.

In my book, it is ok to rebound. Just dont marry the person or have kids or anything that would permanently link you to them. Try not to break their heart either. A mature person will recognize that they are your rebound person and just keep it light.

Glad that phase is behind me.

Ciao.

Chaz
Posted By: lilac Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/13/08 05:39 PM
Hi GiGi,

I am a more a lurker on the boards, but I remember all your posts. I am also getting ready to relocate for work from MA to CA in the bay area. How did you handle it all? I am going to be divorced next week and right now everything just seems so overwhelming. Any tips you can share?

Thanks Lilac
Posted By: Cathy47 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/13/08 05:47 PM
Gigi, it is so wonderful to find you hear. I was thinking about you and Rob the other night and wondering how you two were doing. It has been nice being able read and catch up.

Congratulations of the degree and moving forward with your life in such a healthy way. Much happiness to you, Rob and your family.

I did the rebound thing with someone I met on the DB forum. Turns out quite a few ladies were doing the rebound thing with the same guy

He was a smooth talker, said exactly what I needed to hear and I jumped into the relationship with both feet. For me the reason was needing to feel something different from what I was feeling.

My divorce and my ex's actions caused emotional pain that I don't think I will ever find the words to describe. The man I became involved with distracted me from that pain.

Distraction is nice but it doesn't equal healing and I needed to heal from the divorce before I had enough sense to even know what I wanted from another relationship partner.

That rebound relationship took place nearly 8 years ago. If it had ended in marriage I'm sure I would be on this board again trying to heal from another divorce. *shudder*

I know three couples who met on this forum and are now married or in long-term relationships. Those couples are not the norm.

I've heard from and heard of countless others who became involved with someone they met hear and lived to regret the relationship.

It is easy to get "need" and "support" mixed up with love and lust. I hope that anyone who comes here will keep that in mind when they become friendly with a member of the opposite sex off the forum. Tread lightly because take it from me, relationship waters can get choppy if you aren't emotionally ready for a new relationship.
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/14/08 08:24 AM
Quote:
I did the rebound thing with someone I met on the DB forum. Turns out quite a few ladies were doing the rebound thing with the same guy

He was a smooth talker, said exactly what I needed to hear and I jumped into the relationship with both feet. For me the reason was needing to feel something different from what I was feeling.


Holy cow Cathy.... I am amazed at how many people connect dating-wise in this message board. Not surprising given that most people are single and looking to move on. However, how on earth do people from all over country connect?

Anyway... no criticim, just surprised to hear how it happens.

Like I said in my contribution to the thread.... I honestly wonder if it is not healthy in closing out the old sitch to have a rebound experience. If for nothing more than to prove to one's own self that they can attract someone new and can perhaps find out some of what they dont want. Kind of a trial and error thing.


For me, my drug and alcohol laced flings certainly showed me a darker side of humanity that I was enlightened to stay away from. It allowed me to experience some extremities of personalities that caused me to grow significantly. And wake me up.

The calamity was so extreme, it gave me a sense of what I wanted to recover to. I am now very happily married to a fabulous lady who has no drug or alcohol background whatsoever. More importantly, my program of recovery helps me in every area of my life.

So in a wierd and twisted way, my spin-out rebound adventure ended up leading me to a life I love. You know the song, "God Bless the Broken Road" (... that led me straight to you) sung by Rascal Flats? That is kinda what I feel like.

So even if we spin out in what feels like a wrong rebound direction, good can come of it. Am sure you learned a lot from your experience. Yes?

Ciao.

Chaz
Posted By: 3K451 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/14/08 12:59 PM
Hi Cathy!

Your words ring so true for many of us.

I think a lot of people in our shoes, those who were married for a long time, raised families, and were out of the "singles scene" most of their adult life have no "dating skills" or may be aren't emotionally ready to "date." Seems we have a cloud of confusion over our heads between dating and what a relationship is. It is so easy to meet others who have been in our shoes, had a spouse that left, and we can relate easily to that void or pain. It's not a good basis on which to start a relationship. People encourage us to "move on." I went through it, and it's a very familiar pattern. When you've had a long marriage end, in my case, it was about 24 years, you have to "unlearn" or put aside or overcome quite a bit, even the "good stuff" about a marriage. A date does not equal a relationship. Dating just means you're socializing, meeting new people, adding new dimensions to your life. I realized it was just plain dangerous to my emotional well-being to date for a bit. I was reaching for something that quite frankly was out of my abilities for the time being. I needed to re-discover me, to find that part of me that wasn't defined by a long-term marriage.

Statistically speaking, it *can* happen that you do find someone you fall in love with during that early period post-divorce. But it takes two very grounded, emotionally stable people to do that. Not many people know themselves well enough after a long-term marriage ends nor are they emotionally stable enough to be able to fully participate and support a marriage after divorce.
Posted By: Starshyne Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/14/08 08:00 PM
I guess I had a totally different experience with my "rebound" guy. He really helped me to remember that I am an attractive person and worthy of a man's attention. We both got into the relationship at the same stage in our lives (I was almost divorced and he was in the middle of the process) and just wanted to connect with someone of the other sex. I had fun. I do not have children and neither does he, so that wasn't a factor. Sure, I knew I wasn't going to end up married to this man and my reasons for wanting to hang out with him were all wrong, but still it was a nice time.

I guess I am on what might be thougth of as rebound #2. I dont' know. We are taking thing slowly. Go out and have diner and chat about once a week. I enjoy this man's company and he understands that I am still working on myself after my divorce. He has never been married but respects where I am right now and just likes hanging out and chatting.

I am trying my best to be careful with dating. I enjoy the chance to get out and do things with a man and not just being stuck at home alone feeling bad for myself. But I am making sure that I am spending plenty of "me" time as well. I do not expect to marry this new man, at least not any time in this decade! I first need to decide if marriage is something I am still interested in. I think the key is to find a middle ground between a "rebound" and socializing?
Posted By: mastateflower Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/15/08 04:25 AM
Lilac,

Wow I don't think we have ever talked on the board before but I of course welcome you. Moving from Mass to CA is a bit of a shock to the system! What part of CA are we talking about?

I'm in Southern CA and boy it took a long time to get use to the idea that I'm here. Sometimes I can't believe it at all.

There's so much to look at, so much to do, some much traffic! The people are really nice and wow are they relaxed! It's probably the only place in the country were you can go out to your mail box in your night gown and no one even notices! Ok, so I haven't been to the mail box yet (still to uptight) but I do go out on my front porch on the way to the washing machine to get clean clothes!

Gigi
Posted By: mastateflower Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/15/08 04:36 AM
Cathy, Great to hear from you!

Yes you make a great point about people meeting on the board. I should make sure that everyone understands that Rob and I are not the norm. We not only meet here but we lived 3,000 miles away. Four years later were still here and still happy but when we look back on it we can't believe we both took such a chance!

It's easy for people on the board to be attracted to one another. Your both in the same place at the same time and understand more than probably anyone else you know. Your both need to feel wanted, need to feel attractive, and need to have your needs taken care off!! But you need to remember that the majority of the people on this board aren't ready for a relationship.

Take your time with your friendship you develope here. If they are ment to be more then it will happen over time.

Gigi
Posted By: KarenMarieS Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/15/08 06:05 AM
Quote:
The people are really nice and wow are they relaxed!

LOL thats so funny , I must be the most nervous , skittish native Californian here! lol

I personally love your story G! Its such a sweet, happy "ending" to what was a sad begining.
Posted By: Cathy47 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/15/08 04:09 PM
[quote=Chazz]
Quote:
I honestly wonder if it is not healthy in closing out the old sitch to have a rebound experience. If for nothing more than to prove to one's own self that they can attract someone new and can perhaps find out some of what they dont want. Kind of a trial and error thing.


Chazz, it is healthy for some, unhealthy for others. The problem, as I see it with wanting to prove to one's own self that they can attract someone is that the someone they become involved with may end up getting hurt.

Being left behind is like someone taking a baseball bat to our self-esteem. The attentions of another person goes a long way toward rebuilding our self-esteem after the battering it takes.

In the end, whether we engage in a rebound or not, it is ultimately our job to rebuild ourselves and as you said, "grow significantly" and learn to identify what to "stay away from."

If you are an enlightened person you can navigate a rebound and come through it unscathed. The problem is that many people enter into a rebound relationship before they become enlightened enough to realize that the relationship is really nothing more than a learning experience.

I had no idea that my rebound was only a learning experience. I thought it was my way out of the pain I was feeling. I ended up emotionally attached and once it was over, left to deal with the original issues from my divorce plus, new issues from the rebound relationship.

I think the rebound also led me to a life I love but I would have made it here anyway and probably a lot quicker if I had not heaped extra heartache on top of what I was already dealing with.
Posted By: Cathy47 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/15/08 04:24 PM
Originally Posted By: keyzblew
I needed to re-discover me, to find that part of me that wasn't defined by a long-term marriage.


That was me! I had to find out who I was before I had anything to offer anyone.

My thinking was very skewed right after my divorce. I thought that since I had been OK while attached to my husband, I would once again be OK if I found another man to attach myself to.

What I found out was that I had to be OK alone before I had anything to offer anyone else.

After examining who I had become because of my marriage I realized I was not stable nor grounded. I was a long way from OK. I had been fooling myself for years and the idea of living in denial instead of working on myself was attractive.

But, you know what they say about the road less traveled or taking the path of least resistance. Nothing good comes of it!
Posted By: Cathy47 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/15/08 04:32 PM
Originally Posted By: mastateflower
I should make sure that everyone understands that Rob and I are not the norm.


Nope, you guys are far from the norm. You guys didn't go into your relationship expecting the other to fix your problems. By the time you two connected you had been going through the process long enough to know that you had to fix your own problems.

I think that is what determines whether a relationships that starts here makes it or goes up in flames. If two people can connect and begin a relationship with reasonable expectations they have a good chance of making the relationship work.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/15/08 04:59 PM
You are all so amazing and full of great advice.

Being that my D is nearly final I'm starting to have anxiety over the idea of a new R in the future. I like reading what you all have to say about rebounds. That's my great fear.

I have been growing and learning about myself and I don't want to go backward in that. After being with my STBX for 19 years my identity was completely wrapped up in him and our family. I had nothing for myself. I've found so many new things and people. It's awesome to come out of my shell and realize that I am a really interesting person that has a lot to offer the world.

I will continue reading all of your stories and advice.

Thank you again!!!
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/16/08 06:47 AM
Quote:
I had no idea that my rebound was only a learning experience. I thought it was my way out of the pain I was feeling. I ended up emotionally attached and once it was over, left to deal with the original issues from my divorce plus, new issues from the rebound relationship.


Cathy... I dont think any of us could possibly be healthy enough to realize that we are in a learning experience while rebounding. I know I couldnt have known that. I was way to hurt and in denial of the depth of hurt I was still in.

Yet, somehow, good came of it all. I have no idea what the best pathway was for me. At times, I am grateful for my drug and alcohol problems (past) as they made it all the more essential that I seek out significant help in dealing with my life and thinking problems.

We alcoholic/addicts in a way have a positive in our world.... there is a requirement for us to get better or die. Staying sick is not an option if we have any desire to live. Most of us do not live long if we do not sober up and cannot sober up (and remain sober) if we do not learn true recovery of mind and behaviour. It is almost a gift in disguise if it hadnt been so dangerous and hurtful to those around us.

For me, I have stopped trying to figure out what the best path should have been. I have learned to just accept that whatever has happened has happened. I can only control the moment and to a very small degree, the future.

The rebound flings.... as bizarre and costly as they were... taught me things I have no idea how I would have learned otherwise.

All I can really say is that I feel that value can be taken from all things. This leaves me with far less regret and far greater happiness in the moment.

Ciao.

Chaz
Posted By: Winnie Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/18/08 11:08 PM
Originally Posted By: mastateflower
Cathy, Great to hear from you!

It's easy for people on the board to be attracted to one another. Your both in the same place at the same time and understand more than probably anyone else you know. Your both need to feel wanted, need to feel attractive, and need to have your needs taken care off!! But you need to remember that the majority of the people on this board aren't ready for a relationship.



This is an interesting one. On one hand I say yes, there's a lot of hurt. But on the other I read divorce remedy and other processes and it rings quite true for me that anyone coming OUT o fthat being the abandoned spouse is on a road to maturity that anyone can only benefit from. I can't imagine anyone coming out of divorcebusting without being mature enough to carry a LTR.

Moving in with someone else? No.
Getting married? No.

But to be honest, anyone who has divorce busted well I can't honeslty view doing that. I would think anyone who has understood db well would'nt hurry something like that to begin with.

Do I find people on the forum attractive? Yes, I find maturity an incredibly attractive feature in a mate and I can't imagine after everything I have been through that this will change.

I honeslty think that anyone who has been on this board for some time and did do all the divorcebusting techiniques won't make the same mistakes again.

There may be some on the forum someplace who just hop on and don't read anything, who don't get it, who just take the odd piece of advice, but I am not talking about them.

I guess I am making a distinction between board members, and db survivors. I don't think everyone on this forum has been through the program and fully understands it I guess. I am learning still myself so...I could be missing something.

Certainly there are many people here at many stages, I think I am trying to point out we arne't all in the same place, and some are ready for LTR's and some are just hurt and confused still.

I am not confused, I have a steady mind at the moment. And I would like to think there are others out there with the same mindset as me on here. If not here, where on earth would they be?

To my mind, the divorce busting strategy, principly, is a strategy aimed at maturing the abandoned spouse, a stategy for emotional growth to help the abandoned spouse fully appreciate love and companionship. Sometimes the wayward spouse notices the change and opts to stay, but I honeslty think that's only a side note to what is really going on.

DB survivors to my mind are the best candidates for marital happiness. I can't imagine someone doing all this work and findong someone ELSE on here who has done the same work and them making childish mistakes after all that growth and learning.

If the maturing process that should take place has, I can only imagine success for that couple. Or, a careful and minimally painful end of something they can view as not a good idea to continue.

i can look at women now and just say "No, that wont' work, I am attraced, but not in a million years would that work"...the blinders are off now. Db survivors are armed very well to find a good candidate and avoid a bad one..in my opinion they are ready as they ever need to be.

Besides, I am in Ontario which I am sure is far away from anyone on here. lol
Posted By: Iwondertooo Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/19/08 12:38 AM
Hi every one. I am going to post about something that was not a rebound but a predatory relationship. It was not from this board, it was from someplace I thought was safe, a hobby where we all knew each other. It was not safe. I thought I had found someone God had sent and that was not the case. He was a sociopath and a liar and I gave him money and a lot of it to boot.

This was not a rebound relationship or so I thought, this was what God had sent me in retribution. Oh brother, little did I know that I still after 3 years was not in my right mind. Wonder
Posted By: mastateflower Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/21/08 08:00 PM
[To my mind, the divorce busting strategy, principly, is a strategy aimed at maturing the abandoned spouse, a stategy for emotional growth to help the abandoned spouse fully appreciate love and companionship. Sometimes the wayward spouse notices the change and opts to stay, but I honeslty think that's only a side note to what is really going on.]

This is a very good observation for someone who has only been here a short time (judging by your membership date) or have you been here longer then I think?

It takes time to recognize that you aren't here to just save your marriage, but that you are here to save yourself! If the marriage is saved in that process then that's a plus. Heck there are people who have been here for years who still don't get it! Trust me, I know some of them!

I believe that that period of time when you still think divorcebusting is all about the marriage, you know the marriage is over but you think you did absolutely nothing wrong, that's when it's way to soon to be looking at relationships. Imagine two DBers both in that stage "hooking up". OUCH!

Just go back to the newbie stuff and read some of it. Wow it brings back memories of how tough it really is. How hurt and low we all were, how fall we have all come. Imagine being in that stage and trying to date! No way...

Gigi
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/21/08 10:42 PM
Quote:
But to be honest, anyone who has divorce busted well I can't honeslty view doing that. I would think anyone who has understood db well would'nt hurry something like that to begin with.


Winnie....I would agree that moving in or marrying someone too soon or from an unreliable introduction (such as discussion boards or chat rooms) is unwise.

I do believe that someone can have embraced and practiced the principles of Divorce Busting and still make a mistake. Our hearts are deceitful and often desparate beyond what we understand.

When I was working through my D issues and all of the pain everyone commended me on the commitment I was making to my own recovery and growth. They were seeing it in leaps and bounds.

Yet somehow, I still ended up picking up booze and coke and spinning my life way out of whack. Often times we do not see the damage and desparation that results when we go through a trauma.

I lost my wife to a friend. I thought I was getting through it. yet the longer I live and the further it is behind me, the more vividly I can see how big a deal it was.

So ya, a mature person is less likely to make bad decisions. Yet it is not 100%. The human heart is the most complex thing I have ever known. And we can be incredibly self-defeating in our choices. We can defy logic and wisdom at the drop of a hat.

With that said, I prefer to continue to strive to grow. It ia always the safer route.

Ciao.

Chaz
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/23/08 07:21 PM
Originally Posted By: Chazz
I lost my wife to a friend. I thought I was getting through it. yet the longer I live and the further it is behind me, the more vividly I can see how big a deal it was.


Chaz,

My friend, I understand where you are coming from..... However, I would have to quote Anthony Robbins... "Events ONLY have the meaning we assign them."

To me, my D from Kim meant the following:

God needed to be #1 in my life.
I NEEDED to be with an optimistic woman.
I NEEDED to loosen up and enjoy life.
I needed to spend more time with my son.
I needed to enjoy the money I make more.

My exW had issues she chose NOT to deal with.
My exW did not understand what M is really about.
My exW did not understand what unconditional love is.
My exW was immature at 36 years old.
My exW lacks character.
My exW is VERY selfish.

IT DID NOT MEAN the following:

I was a bad guy.....
I was not.....

I was a bad H....
I was VERY imperfect but NOT bad....

I was not "good enough"...
The ladies waiting in line for me proved otherwise...

There was something "wrong" with me......
Whatever may have been "wrong"... I was willing to work on in IC/MC... My exW was not.....

Both lists could go on and on..... But, you get my drift.... Right?

Take Care,

RMG
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/23/08 08:07 PM
Oh sh!t.... My exW chooses to send me an e-mail right after I write those things about her above...... FUNNY!!!!

Oddly, my e-mail sig has the following quote:
Quote:
"Character is the sum and total of a person's choices." -- P. B. Fitzwater


RMG
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/24/08 04:20 PM
Yo RMG.... thanks for the insights. I agree with you. These are important realizations that I do work on continually. I think we are generally on same page.

I have been working toward letting go things of the past.... the past events that I assign value to. I am sure you would agree that it is not as simple as flipping a switch.

Also, we cannot simply stuff or deny our past and the impact it had on us. If we have assigned value to something, the process of doing so is something we did with a depth of habit and conditioning. Detatching from those things takes time and development of new thinking and habits.

BTW... you were aware that Anthony Robbins ditched his wife in what he called a "Mid-Life Celebration" and hooked up with someone younger?

Not that this negates the soundness of his training, insights, and advice. I just dont get it and his credibility is a little tainted in my viewpoint. Leaves me wondering why he didnt use all of his principles to keep his marriage together. Bewildering.

The list of needs and meanings you provided are very relevant to me. I am definitely moving in those directions. Thanks for communicating these principles in this concise way.

A relevant quote from the Bible.... Jeremiah 17...
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it ?

Frankly, we do not know what kind of a tangled weave are hearts are made up of. We have had influences and conditionings throughout our lives that bring us to where we are today. We solidify what is in our hearts with habits of thought and behaviour.

The un-training of what has developed in our hearts and the re-training to a new way of thinking is probably the hardest work we can do.

Slowly and consistently, I am working on re-training my heart. Weaving in truer understandings of how life works and what is healthy for me and those around me.

It is a never-ending journey and as the quote goes on to say, we need God's help. We cannot do it on our own. So I further agree with your point about putting God 1st. Otherwise we end up playing God to ourselves. And our best efforts at playing God got us to where we are today.

So bro.... ya.... I am with ya on this stuff.

Ciao.

Chaz
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/24/08 04:34 PM
Chaz,

I am sadly aware of Anthony Robbins leaving his W, Becky.... Remember him talking glowingly about her and dedicating his books to her? Whether or not his "teachings" are valid, I do not respect him personally as a man....

The exW and I had an exchange which frankly kind of freaked me out.... She is showing anger.... If she is really "over it," she would not be venting... We had the following exchange:

Quote:
ExW: No kidding it was a disaster. You never helped me with any of it.


Quote:
RMG: You are correct. I helped you very little. That was simply wrong. There is no excuse for that at all. I take full responsibly. A husband should show his wife how much he loves her by doing more than his "fair share" of the work on and around the house. If I had known how important it was to my former wife, I would have dropped everything to do it. I simply did not see it.


Thoughts?

RMG
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/24/08 09:26 PM
So RMG... help me with some perspective...

Who left who?

The sense I get from you XW's comments is that she is angry at you no doubt. I find generalizations often a sign of anger and frankly self-pity. By that I mean when someone says to me that I "never" did this or "always" do that or whatever.... more often than not, it is an overstatement that reflects some sort of pain or anger.

In my experience, rarely is it that one spouse NEVER helps another. (Or ALWAYS does this negative thing or that negative thing or whatever). Generalization, in my experience, often are also a statement of self-pity. By that I mean that by your XW stating that you NEVER helpped with anything kinda puts her in a place to be pitied or disadvantaged in the relationship. This is dangerous ground. I try to avoid it in my own life as much as I can because it does not reflect truth. Self pity keeps a person stuck in untruth and blame.

I may be wrong about all of this... I have no idea what your ex is referring to that she feels you never helped with.

Your reply to her certainly admits fault. If she is anything like my X, apologies tend to be no-win situations. If you apologize, she resents that you have done what you just admited to and apologized for. If you don't apologize, she resents that you dont. Either way, in my sitch, my X's inability to MATURELY accept an apology is a sign of an unhealthy person (or immature at the very least).

So.... good on you for rigorously admitting your faults. What she does with it will have to be her business. Frankly, I seldom apologize to my X anymore for reasons I stated above.

It is a tough balance to take responsibility for one's own faults versus getting into the unhealth dance with an immature resentful person.

These tricky balances are the real challenging part of decisons and relationships. For me, I just keep doing my best and try to improve my decision making process each time.

Ciao.

Chaz
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/25/08 01:19 AM
Chaz,

exW left me.... AFTER 2 cr@ppy MC sessions.....

I do think it is self pity.... I am sure she runs around telling people how "bad" I was........ All she "endured".... My FAVORITE is the "at least two affairs" I had..... I wish someone would have told me about them.... Maybe, I enjoyed them! She was so clueless to realize all I wanted was to be with her.... I NEVER would have cheated on her.....

Anyway, I think she has to keep a pile of things I did "wrong" so she will not have to face her true feelings for me... That is the path she chose....

Take Care,

RMG
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/25/08 02:37 AM
Originally Posted By: Chazz
I may be wrong about all of this... I have no idea what your ex is referring to that she feels you never helped with.


Chaz,

The house.

RMG
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/25/08 04:05 PM
Holy Shnit RMG! Did your xw go to the same training course as mine?

We did only 2 sessions too! And they were all about unloading on me and what a jerk I was etc.!

I too get maligned by my XW. Painfully often to my kids. Here is one for ya.... a friend came to me other day saying he and his packed it in too.... his now XW sought guidance from my XW and now reports that I did terrible things to my X that I had no clue about. Man, I wish I was half as bad as my reputation! I would be as wealthy as Tony Montana in Scarface.

I believe there is a level of denial and self-deception that can get ahold of people so badly, that they begin to imagine or distort things to support their otherwise awful decision and/or behaviour.

Back on topic.... how realistic is it that you "NEVER" helpped with the house? By your own admission in your email to her, sounds like you feel you could have done better. Good on you for your honesty on this matter. But was it really "never".

If not, then is your XW not painting herself the victim by exaggerating "seldom" into "never". To me, this become an important distinction. The pathway to self-pitiying sarcasm or exaggeration is a dangerous one. It is more an indicator of our viewpoint toward life.

Anyway... do you honestly believe you were as bad in this respect as your X says.... particularly since there are untruths or exaggerations in her other comments about you like your two affairs?

Ciao.

Chaz
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/26/08 01:53 AM
Originally Posted By: Chazz
Anyway... do you honestly believe you were as bad in this respect as your X says.... particularly since there are untruths or exaggerations in her other comments about you like your two affairs?


Chaz,

Yes, our exW's attended the same dumba$$ training....

In actuality, I did the “manly tasks”... She did the tasks inside... Did she spend more time and work harder? He!!, yes! Should I have helped more? YES! Did I attempt to make this right? YES! She just wanted to walk out...... She had no desire to even give our M a chance.... Her loss.....

The REAL question we MUST ask ourselves is this Biblical grounds for D? Is this a reason a rational person would use for D? I think it fits neither................

Anyways, I think it really comes down to them “looking” for reasons to leave.....

I honestly think my exW allowing OM into the middle of our M was TOTALLY wrong....
She should have asked me to go to MC....
She should have continually asked me to go to MC....
If I refused, she should have asked a family member to sit down and impress upon how important going to MC is....
If I continued to refuse, she should have then mentioned she saw S as the answer until we go to MC....

INSTEAD.... She chose to do the following:

Shut herself off from me.....
Share with OM just how "bad" I was......
I am 100% certain OM got her to dredge up every single thing I had done wrong....
I am 100% certain OM "convinced" her I had multiple affairs....

She allowed all of this to happen......
She opened the door to the demise of the M....
She simply could have been a woman of integrity and brought the issues to me....

She just wanted to be sure she completely trashed me in her memory... She did not want to remember the REAL me...... A guy who was VERY imperfect..... A faithful guy who people think is very smart and witty.. and caring.... and who some women find attractive....Who loved her with EVERY SINGLE cell of his body.... That made it easy for her to walk out the door....

Well, she has the life she wanted in her little Brady Bunch house with OM........ He can have her...... I do not see what any guy would want with a woman like that beyond a roll in the hay.... Harsh, but true..... A woman lacking character does NOT even make a good girlfriend let alone anything more....

Oh, yeah. I understand all about the fabrications...... My exW SURELY told her sisters I had affairs and emotionally abused her.... The problem is if her sisters had 1/100000 of a brain...... They would have said, "If this REALLY happened, you SHOULD have gone to counseling WHEN IT HAPPENED." This is basically calling them on the carpet...... ALSO.... I would have said, "If this REALLY happened, you NEED to go to IC for a long while BEFORE EVEN consider getting into another R." Them jumping into another R right away says they are a lying sack of sh!t and simply making excuses..... I would say, "So, your marriage was so TRAUMATIC you had to leave and immediately jump into bed with someone else? Do I LOOK stupid!?! You are flat out lying!"

Take Care,

RMG
Posted By: mastateflower Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/27/08 01:51 AM
RMG,

It has been siad on these pages that there must be a book written on how to be a "walk away". They all seem to do and say the same things regardless of the situation.

There must also be a book on how to be the OW/OM. These people just seem to know what to say and how to say it that solidifies their own positions and ends all hope of saving the marriage.

You know things like - He/she never understood you like I do. You're a wonderful person who has been taken for granted. You never did anything wrong. You deserve happiness...can't you hear it?

Gigi
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/27/08 03:00 AM
Originally Posted By: mastateflower
RMG,

It has been siad on these pages that there must be a book written on how to be a "walk away". They all seem to do and say the same things regardless of the situation.

There must also be a book on how to be the OW/OM. These people just seem to know what to say and how to say it that solidifies their own positions and ends all hope of saving the marriage.

You know things like - He/she never understood you like I do. You're a wonderful person who has been taken for granted. You never did anything wrong. You deserve happiness...can't you hear it?

Gigi


Gigi,

Yes.... I can hear it.....

But it is like anything..... You know what is right... You know what is wrong..... When you are married, you DO NOT talk to someone of the opposite sex outside of immediate family about your M...... You talk to the SAME SEX if anyone beside your spouse.....

The really disturbing thing is these people are so mentally AND emotionally screwed up, they choose to NOT SEE they are being manipulated by this person playing "saviour"........ They are plain stupid..... No other way to say it....

How would any sane woman react to the following?

Quote:
I know your H does NOT understand you like I do. You deserve so much more. Jump into bed with me!


They would want to kick him in the balls!!! They would be thinking... WAIT!! I am going through all this emotional turmoil... and you want to do is be romantic with me? Don't you care about me? If you were a GOOD PERSON, you would be encouraging me to work on my M... Am I just another piece of a$$?

Am I right or wrong here?

RMG
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/28/08 06:00 AM
RMG.... Homie.... some honest reflections on the section of your thread...

Quote:
INSTEAD.... She chose to do the following:

Shut herself off from me.....
Share with OM just how "bad" I was......
I am 100% certain OM got her to dredge up every single thing I had done wrong....
I am 100% certain OM "convinced" her I had multiple affairs....

She allowed all of this to happen......
She opened the door to the demise of the M....
She simply could have been a woman of integrity and brought the issues to me....


First parts about your X shutting off from you and opening up to OM and amplifying your faults.... I can totally relate. I am reading a book right now by Dr. Gottman that documents how frequently couples in distress re-write history so they can rationalize leaving based on how bad their marriage was.

They usually cannot bring themselves to leave until they convince themselves and others that the spouse they leave behind was heinous and awful in some manner.

Furthermore, this is exactly where my X went with it all. We were regarded by many, including those that knew us well as a "perfect couple". And I was referred to as an "Exemplary Father" and "Super Dad". Her parents thanked me for how well I treated and cared for their daughter.

Now, she has completely minimized and re-written those instances of history. She has painted such a bad picture of me and told everyone that those were all illusions. (I must be one hell of an actor... funny.... I remember they were genuinely great times).

So if this is any comfort to you, know that I experienced the exact same thing and Dr. Gottman scientifically observed the exact same thing over and over and over for many, many years of studying marriages. It is just what they do.



May I challenge you a bit on the second part of post where its listed the things she should have done? I do not disagree with one thing on your list. I would just caution you as a brother in relationship recovery that it is dangerous to get wound up in what others should have done.

From your other posts, you seem to have an awareness that you had a part in where your relationship went. I respect that honesty and self-assessment. That takes maturity that a lot of walk-away spouses may never know. Honest self-assessment is a foundation to growth and recovery from a sitch like what we have gone through.

Can I challenge you a bit on the notion that your X allowed all of this to happen? In my experience, and I have walked a very similar pathway to you, in my experience, we betrayed spouses had a part in where our marriage went too. In my case, I have found it a lot more healing and growth oriented to say that "I allowed all of this to happen"... and I have said almost those exact words.

Even though she ended the marriage and took up with a friend who left his wife for my ex in a highly painful and complicated situation, I still had a part in getting the R to where this could happen.

Even if my part were just not stopping it before it went to far (which in fact my part was far greater than that)... but even if it were only 2% and my X's part was 98%, my growth and recovery will come from my accepting of responsibility for my 2%. I will gian nothing by looking at only her 98%. I will just stay hurt.

On the contrary, it feels and looks like my X is so fixated on my part in things, that she is completely oblivious to her greater part. I could be wrong but it certainly feels and looks that way by me and all other onlookers.

So here is the a rigorously honest quesiton that you will probably find great value in answering for yourself. Not for me or anyone else, but for you.

How did you help the R get to the point where she was able to make a choice like hooking up with the OM?

Believe me brother, I know the pain of betrayal. And I am not trying to minimize what has happened to you. I am a suburban Dad and professional with an education that turned to a wicked narcotic after I found out about my XW and OM. It was that painful to me. So I respect that you may have been in agony.

For me, I can answer that Q by saying I neglected her, treated her like a trophy, took her for granted, and flaunted her in front of the OM to show how great I was for having such an appealing W. I let pride and complacency slip in and it ran me over. This does not excuse what she did but it sure made it easier for her to do.

I offer you the above question to help support your recovery.

Lets keep the dialogue going eh?

Ciao

Chaz
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/28/08 03:10 PM
Originally Posted By: Chazz
How did you help the R get to the point where she was able to make a choice like hooking up with the OM?

Believe me brother, I know the pain of betrayal. And I am not trying to minimize what has happened to you. I am a suburban Dad and professional with an education that turned to a wicked narcotic after I found out about my XW and OM. It was that painful to me. So I respect that you may have been in agony.

For me, I can answer that Q by saying I neglected her, treated her like a trophy, took her for granted, and flaunted her in front of the OM to show how great I was for having such an appealing W. I let pride and complacency slip in and it ran me over. This does not excuse what she did but it sure made it easier for her to do.


Chaz,

I am so there with you in all of this......

What did I do wrong? A lot of things....

I did not make her feel important... Even though she was....

I did not take the time to check our M.... As how she feels about our M.....

I was too concerned about my work and career....

I neglected her.... One VERY IMPORTANT argument happened the day she moved out..... We were talking.... All of a sudden, she started yelling at me...... She said, "This WILL teach you NOT to neglect your wife." I said, "I had NO clue. Why DIDN'T you tell me?" That frankly was an opening I should have hit.... I was just really done at that point... I just wanted to move away from the pain... I should have really ignored the DB mantra.... and told her.... I love you BUT you are choosing to leave the M.... It is out of my hands....

There were lots of other things... I never cheated or physically abused her.......

I need to stop writing about this right now. It is hitting me like a ton of bricks........ I need to step back for a while.....

Right or wrong..... All I can think about is how much I loved her......

RMG
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/28/08 09:11 PM
Chaz,

I am feeling a bit better now..... I climbed out from under the pile of bricks.... Got up and dusted off (again).....

RMG
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/30/08 08:13 AM
Glad to hear it.

We seem to migrate to the bottom of the pile of bricks from time to time. Eh?

Its ok.... there are pains woven through us that we will only ever discover in time.

I have been thinking about this rebound theme. Frankly, I am still at the conclusion that a good rebound, as long as it doesnt leave us stuck in a commitment we cant handle, is a good gateway back into healthier life.

Honestly, I cant see it any other way. Some sort of fling. Preferrably a little on the wild side of what we were once used to.

I am not convinced that there isnt some theraputic value in one of these.

Ciao.

Chaz
Posted By: RMG77739 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/05/08 11:43 PM
Chazz,

Yes, we all do end up under a pile of bricks from time to time.... It is tough... But, it is a part of the process....

As for the rebound relationships, I did have a wild fling as you described when my first serious relationship ended..... That was most therapeutic....

When Kim and I married, I was a very different man.... I felt God had called me to a higher standard... When the marriage ended... I felt if I had a fling like that again, I was not much better than my adulterous exW......

I am not trying to say I am perfect.. Far from.... But, I felt it was important to wait for my new W... For me, I did not think it is right to "try out" other women.....

Plus, I did not want Kim to be able to look at me and say... "Yeah, he is a good "Christian" guy.... Nailing all of those women.... He IS REALLY different! Right!"

Take Care,

RMG
Posted By: Chazz Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/06/08 08:09 PM
Although a sober alcoholic for a number of years now, I still contend that the debauchery-riddled drunken bender is a great way to get one's ex out of their system and back in to the dating world. As long as you survive!
Posted By: Reincarnated Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/14/08 03:43 AM
Chazz--
I can attest that you can go out on a "bender" with no alcohol involved! (See badass bike guy I saw for a few months).
Still didn't get x out of my system, though.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I am one person who will always love their x, a true unconditional love. I just have to learn to live without him in my life.

I know that I won't ever love another the way that I love him, if only for having grown up with him, having my children with him. Anything that comes along after will be very different. Better? That remains to be seen. I don't think I will care for another as completely...

I keep thinking back to that sappy movie, the Titanic. How, after the death of Jack, she goes on to live a rich and happy life, gets married, has kids....but it is back to him that her soul goes to meet. I wonder if I will meet the memory of my x some day, the one I loved and who loved me. In my naiveate, I hope that he isn't gone forever, that understanding may come in the next life if not in this.

But hope is empty; it hasn't served me well, but kept me in denial. Only acceptance now, in the hard reality of life. It just is. And we go on, because what else is there to do?
Posted By: No_More_Dodo Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/14/08 03:54 AM
Donna,

What you write is so very true. I really do not know if I will ever be able to love as innocently and naively as I did with exW.

NMD
Posted By: oldtimer Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/14/08 04:29 PM
I wouldn't worry about that. In my experience, open-eyed, non-naive is a lot more genuine, a lot more authentic, a lot richer, a lot more intimate, and a lot deeper.

When people do get to the other side of an A and talk about how much better their M is, this is why.

As far as quality of romantic Rs, there is certainly much to be gained through this process that leads to a place where better love is possible.
Posted By: mastateflower Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/14/08 10:55 PM
Sorry Donna,

She went on and had a happy life with the knowledge that Jack didn't want to leave her side...we however have all had a different experience!

Gigi
Posted By: calimom66 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/22/08 08:38 AM
My ex is still with his rebound...actually started to date her while we were married. Everyone said it wouldn't last and 2 years later...breaks my heart still. I am dating but waited until the divorce was finalized and it is nothing serious. My children still hate the ex's GF. They have even told me I needed to date. I have been very careful not to involve anyone with them.
Posted By: naej Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/22/08 12:00 PM
Calimore, I am sorry but I think your experience is more the norm than the exception.
The phrase I have begun to hate and I still read it all the time is that the OP is just a bandaid!!! Not true from years of reading. It may not last (often does) but it certainly doesn't mean that the WAW returns, often they just get another OP.
I think the type of Affair and length of marriage has a huge bearing.

Sorry for the vent, it's just that once again I see a newcomer(not on this thread btw) clinging to this bandaid cliche. I know we all need hope thats why we are here after all, but I think rather than vilify rightly or wrongly,the OP, more helpful practical advice could be given.
Concentrating on how awful the OP is is in my view not helpful to our growth or well being.
Ok Off my soapbox now.
Hope you all enjoy the week end.
Posted By: 3K451 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/22/08 10:34 PM
Oh Naej, I had to jump in here cause your words ring so true. I've read so much during everything I went through and have seen so many types of situations here that no matter what, a spouse just doesn't necessarily come back. Nor is it really true that the OP is just a bandaid to cover their wounds.

We all want hope in the beginning our Ms will reconcile, but both spouses have so much work to do they often come out the other end as new people. I sure did. I think some of the hope that needs to be spread is no matter whether your M survives or ends in a divorce you will be happy and whole again. A spouse leaving or marital difficulty is definitely up there on the trauma and stress scales but we need to let others know they do recover and go on to have good lives. Focusing energy on the OP just sucks the life out of a person!!
Posted By: pammie Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/23/08 11:49 AM
Naej and Keyzblew
I couldn't have said it better myself.
My x-h's bandaid has lasted 8 years and they have been married for 3.
Are they happy? Who knows. They put on a great show if not.
Does it bother me? Not in the least.
I am just happy not having to deal with a lying, cheating husband.
I am a much stronger person than I was in the day of DBing or ass kissing as I call it.
Happy Thanksgiving
Posted By: mastateflower Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/25/08 07:40 PM
Naej, I agree that it's very hard to have a newbie jump in and start using the DB terms. Poor soul hasn't figured out yet that their spouse is not coming home and if they did it would probably be a disaster!

I remember when I was just starting out in this thing, reading the books like they were a bible, looking for every possible answer and thinking that had to be the reason! It takes a lot of time to understand what really went down.

As for my X and his new person, yes they are still together and now they have a baby. I expect the marriage to last as long as she wants it to. I can never see my X admitting that he made a mistake. She could be the biggest B---- in the world and I'm sure he would stick it out...that and who the heck can afford two xwifes!!

I actually hope he is miserable and stays in the marriage. KARMA is a wonderful thing!

Gigi
Posted By: pauld2100 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 01/20/09 08:37 PM
can anyone in here tell me how my W might be dating on the rebound after she left me? she has had more then 3 bad turn outs dating already but has started dating one person and is not really that serious or hasn't showed it. I slipped a short time ago and told her i loved her still, while she is out dating. she is dating just for something to do. she relpied to my message that she would probly love me for the rest of her life but has to move on?!?!? I don't pursue her at all. she seems to be dating just to keep distracted?! with the problems she has had with dating could it run it's course? One thing i did wrong in the begining was pursue heavily that seemed to be what made it come to this. I just wonder since I haven't chased her for some time if she would hit that wall and realize what she is doing? I don't call her at all she has called me hear and there and I put on the happy act as much as I can. I think she has made another step with this person and had sex but she is still just in what seems like a holding pattern. she is sure not to give me hope but I can sence the person I knew just bearly when she does call. WTF I am at a loss, I have had almost no contact for more then a month. her kids have both seen me a couple times and both were very happy to see me but I don't tell her about it I know if I was to say anything positive she kills it quick...
Posted By: pauld2100 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 01/24/09 02:13 AM
this has to be the most insightful page! My ex is doing exactly what most of you have said using friends and family to boost her reasons to leave none of them would ever go but wait a second! If a close friend came to you and complianed about thier R after being in here would know that they were just looking for support in doing something totaly stupid. I have already run across this with other friends almost spliting and told them no way you should split. they didn't, I have been asking myself how I can even care about my W when she can do this, is it because I know that she can be immature and not see it at all? so I try to help her over and over? or is it because MLC or I didn't do this right or that in time? who is accepting anymore. I would have to accept everything in order to get peace and this is the way of things now a days and even when I do everything for peace after a while they adapt and find other reasons. now match two people that are accepting and they would probably never be attracted to each other because it's so compatible that it would never work? hence the feeling of thier wanting to leave, they think they want campatiablity and thats not even close to reality. they what someone close but that would be to easy.. I'm sure a mature person would know this and the campatiable one would fit right, and not be perfect but accepting. I really don't know of anyone even couples that seem perfect you find out later it's not. Is it common sense or physical, common attraction to what? It seems that we have over the years changed all perception of what an R is! Maybe there is no way to really stick with one person human nature? so explain, why we could all have it simple if we wanted it...
This is the second time my W split and tried dating...
Posted By: karen43 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 01/26/09 03:24 PM
Originally Posted By: naej
The phrase I have begun to hate and I still read it all the time is that the OP is just a bandaid!!! Not true from years of reading. It may not last (often does) but it certainly doesn't mean that the WAW returns, often they just get another OP.
I think the type of Affair and length of marriage has a huge bearing.

Sorry for the vent, it's just that once again I see a newcomer(not on this thread btw) clinging to this bandaid cliche. I know we all need hope thats why we are here after all, but I think rather than vilify rightly or wrongly,the OP, more helpful practical advice could be given.
Concentrating on how awful the OP is is in my view not helpful to our growth or well being.
Well, I took the bandaid cliche as differently than you. Maybe I read it the wrong way, but I see that as happening in my sitch. Both of us had problems/issues which hurt our M. I was needy, dependent, and depressed. H has anger #s and controlling, self-involved. I have spent the last year, over a year now, working on my stuff. I've become more self-sufficient, independent, and happy.

My H hasn't worked on any of his issues, but got involved in an A with a married woman with kids, i.e. a temporary bandaid to cover up his #s. Eventually though the excitement of a new gf will probably fade, and he's going to still have issues that will cause him problems in the new R or he will have to deal and work on them. So I've always thought that analogy is kind of true in my sitch and maybe some others too. Karen
Posted By: naej Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 01/26/09 06:15 PM
Karen, you may be right about your H but I still feel the same about the phrase.
I am glad to see that you have recognised and worked on your issues, too often though the advice that OP is just a bandaid stops the spouse from working on their own issues as they feel the waw spouse's bandaid will be a temporary thing and they will just return once it is over.
Many will never return from an A or move on to another one and the LBS still waits in limbo.
As I said I do think the length of marriage has a bearing on the outcome.
I guess we all take what we need from cliches which is a good thing.
Posted By: Teddy Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 04/08/09 03:58 AM
Rebound, hmmmmmmmmm. I would just have to say don't do it. I rebounded 3 months after wife found MLC. 1 month after she told me that there was no hope, she "doesn't change mind" after decisions are made.

Was one of the worst mistakes I made in this entire process. While I am still friends with my "rebound", I still wonder why in the hell did I do this? And I know the answer: I needed to feel wanted. Period. However, the drama that it brought into my life sucked.
Posted By: ClingingToHope Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 09/28/09 08:44 PM
Quote:
Donna,

What you write is so very true. I really do not know if I will ever be able to love as innocently and naively as I did with exW.

I'm no where near where you guys are. I'm just reading to see how life goes on. A co-worker told me last week that he's been in his second marriage for 25 years -- and it's a truly happy one, better in every way than his first one -- and yet he stills dreams about his first wife at least once a week and thinks of her often. He said it truly never totally goes away.

That scared me. Then last night I had my first vivid dream about my estranged W. It ended with her kissing me and I woke up. That was very tough.
Posted By: spark Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 10/13/09 01:11 PM
I'm probably going to get a 2x4, but that's fine. my d has been final for a while, and I just got remarried (2nd person I dated after ex h). I guess my new h is a "rebound", but this istruly the best relationship I have ever had (we are past the "love dust" phase -- been through a lot, so I know what I am in). He is a wonderful stepfather to my daughter and he is amazing with our baby. I guess that makes me a "success story", but I don't think I am the norm. I didn't go "looking" for him and I didn't have any expectations. I didn't have him around my daughter for a long time. I explained things to my daughter every step of the way. I went to counseling. I really thought about what this person was to me, a band-aid or a person I love and care about for who he is -- I chose the latter. So far, so good.
Posted By: Gypsy Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/10/09 05:21 PM
Or you can go exactly the opposite way. No worries about rebounding cuz your butt is velcroed to the side lines.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/15/09 04:30 AM
CTH,
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope

That scared me. Then last night I had my first vivid dream about my estranged W. It ended with her kissing me and I woke up. That was very tough.
One year later, I still get these little dreamlets (I call them) 3-4 times a week. They last barely seconds.
I'll kinda feel her, hear her, it feels so real! And am drowsily aroused from sleep, fail to see or feel her form there in the dark, and mumble something sad like."that didn't just happen, did it?' or, "you're not there anymore, are you?" or, "Oh. Right. I forgot."

So real. So freaky. So sad. (sigh).
Posted By: Teddy Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/17/09 05:14 AM
I feel you brother. Just kind of gets to the point that you aren't upset about it any more. You just feel disappointed it ever got to this point.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 12/10/09 04:40 AM
welllllll I don't know if it counts as rebound......but I did date someone for about 6 months. I was divorced 1.5 years before I dated anyone for more than a date or two. We spent a lot of time together and although there were a few red flags, I ignored them because we had fun together. Turns out he was a compulsive liar who was a sniper in the army (only he wasn't), and had bone cancer (but didn't)....

those were the big ones....oh yeah, and he was still seeing his ex gf on the side.

Nice....great example eh..
Posted By: brknheart Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 02/02/10 09:44 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
CTH,
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope

That scared me. Then last night I had my first vivid dream about my estranged W. It ended with her kissing me and I woke up. That was very tough.
One year later, I still get these little dreamlets (I call them) 3-4 times a week. They last barely seconds.
I'll kinda feel her, hear her, it feels so real! And am drowsily aroused from sleep, fail to see or feel her form there in the dark, and mumble something sad like."that didn't just happen, did it?' or, "you're not there anymore, are you?" or, "Oh. Right. I forgot."

So real. So freaky. So sad. (sigh).


I hate that feeling. Im not even D yet but have those dreams 2-3 times a week. I sometimes dont even want to get out of bed to face reality. The woman I married doesnt exist anymore...she really doenst. The person I fell in love with wouldnt have done the things she did to me the past 5 mths. Speaking of rebounds, she is already getting involved with someone who I thought was a friend of mine. My STBXW asked me to do so many things for her the past 5 mths, the only thing I asked of her was to not date until the D was final. What a disappointment.

Back to the rebound thing. Many people have told me the easiest way to move on is to start dating again. The best way to drive a nail out is to drive a new nail in behind it.

So, what are the signs that its time to date again and it not be considered a rebound?
Posted By: Wholeagain Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 02/02/10 11:59 PM
Originally Posted By: brknheart

Back to the rebound thing. Many people have told me the easiest way to move on is to start dating again. The best way to drive a nail out is to drive a new nail in behind it.

So, what are the signs that its time to date again and it not be considered a rebound?


Well, I think if it's a nail in nail out thing, than it's a rebound.
Posted By: txjet Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 02/19/10 12:31 AM
Kids aren't an issue for me, since fathers "never" get custody in my state. But what about finding a woman who puts her husband first (as she should, based upon my Christian beliefs)? Is that a reasonable expectation? Part of the problem I'm facing now is that stbx puts kids and hobbies way ahead of me on the priority list...
Posted By: txjet Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 02/19/10 12:40 AM
Boy, I wish I knew what to tell you. I am so sorry your ex chose to stain her marriage vows by dating before your divorce was final. In my profession, that'd cost me my job. You're either married or single. Separation is still considered being married. Sorry.

I think when it comes to rebounds, a person has to know that he is "over" his ex spouse and must know what he did wrong to cause the marriage to fail. He must correct those things.

At only the first stage of things myself (sep agreement pending submission to the judge, hopefully next week), I have a long, long way to go yet. But those are my thoughts.
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 02/19/10 01:55 AM
Originally Posted By: txjet
Kids aren't an issue for me, since fathers "never" get custody in my state. But what about finding a woman who puts her husband first (as she should, based upon my Christian beliefs)? Is that a reasonable expectation? Part of the problem I'm facing now is that stbx puts kids and hobbies way ahead of me on the priority list...


Hola Txjet ~

While I understand what you're saying about putting the spouse first, I think you might see things differently after a divorce. For me, my daughter is #1. If someone can't treat my daughter right, he doesn't rate in my book.

I agree that once a couple is established, the husband and wife should put each other first, which will teach their children how they should be treated and how they should treat others. However I think (at least for me) it's about my Peanut and myself. If someone treats me good, that's great but he has to show me his real worth in how he treats my daughter.
Posted By: txjet Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 02/24/10 01:34 AM
Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
Originally Posted By: txjet
Kids aren't an issue for me, since fathers "never" get custody in my state. But what about finding a woman who puts her husband first (as she should, based upon my Christian beliefs)? Is that a reasonable expectation? Part of the problem I'm facing now is that stbx puts kids and hobbies way ahead of me on the priority list...


Hola Txjet ~

While I understand what you're saying about putting the spouse first, I think you might see things differently after a divorce. For me, my daughter is #1. If someone can't treat my daughter right, he doesn't rate in my book.

I agree that once a couple is established, the husband and wife should put each other first, which will teach their children how they should be treated and how they should treat others. However I think (at least for me) it's about my Peanut and myself. If someone treats me good, that's great but he has to show me his real worth in how he treats my daughter.


Understand your reasoning, but bottom line is that what we agree upon: once the marriage is established, husband and wife put each other first. This is one issue that has plagued my marriage. Wife has child from previous relationship whose dad never was involved in her life. It was just my wife and her daughter for a few years before I came into the picture. I believe wife expected things to be the same with our two youngsters. Wife more involved with them, and with her friends/hobbies particularly after our second child. This has driven a bigger wedge in between us and caused lots of resentment. Wife swears there's no post-partum depression, but refuses to have an evaluation done...
Posted By: *KS*Chick* Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 02/27/10 01:41 PM
Why do you think it's post-partum depression?
Posted By: jasper67 Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 03/01/10 05:10 PM
It is a blessing and a curse to be the LBS- a blessing in that often we find the strength and resolve to analyze every aspect of ourselves and our M, read books, see IC, seminars, et, etc.

We are burdened by having not re-written the hx of the M, nor having the willingness to seek out OP immediately...often the WAS has that headstart.

It's comforting to look at the rebound as a band-aid for WAS- but it is misleading at best. It would be nice to see WAS take some time and figure things out or deal w/ being alone- unfortunately any R beginning soon after S or D, or even while still M (like in my case, WAW w/ OM2)- it is such a blow to the ego and a shot against the M.

Have I hoped for their R to crumble? ABSOLUTELY. Is WAW over me? POSSIBLY. IS it too soon for her to be in a R? IDK.

She's been out of the house for 1 month to "figure things out." Immediately she's involved w/ OM2.

WTF?! None of my business- do I want to jump into something- not really...I want to get over her and the HELL I've been through the last 6 months.

I would have loved to have been the WAS- it will just take us a bit longer to get there is all.

Hugs to you all
Posted By: LolaL Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 03/06/10 06:43 PM
A few months ago, I tried dating. I had met this guy over the summer, and after pressure from a friend, decided to go out with him. I recognized fairly quickly that it was not a good situation. He told his family immediately, began making plans to move closer to me, wanted to meet my daughter. I literally dated him, if you can even call it that, for a week. I learned he carried a gun (legally), drank too much, used the foulest language in the course of general conversation. And then he started making "future" plans, and I called it off.

I think I am at the point where I really just have no interest in dating at all right now. Although there are time when I am lonely, I am just really getting to know myself now. I know my D has only been final for oh about 24 hours, but I cannot imagine I am going to get back out there anytime soon.

I also have a teenage daughter at home, and I need to think about her welfare before I introduce someone else into the mix. Although I know she would be okay with me dating, I am not okay with me dating, and for that reason, I know I am just not ready.

The biggest thing, though, is that I am comfortable with that decision. I will not allow anyone else to pressure me into dating again.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 03/08/10 02:40 AM
My plan to avoid a Rebound, which I've repeated ad nauseam on my and others' threads (and just today to LolaL), above
Originally Posted By: Gardener
consists of something I read or heard once: go through one cycle, one year: one Valentine's Day, one Birthday, one Anniversary, One Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and so on alone. No Relationships. Although my X abandoned our home 16 months ago and told me she wanted a D in May, ...and I've already been alone for well over a year now, I've decided that my One Year No Rebound Plan began on D Day, 2/09/10.
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 03/08/10 02:51 AM
so then you don't subscribe to the "one year for every 5 years of marriage" or the "one month for every year of marriage" rules? they all sound rather arbitrary to me! I'd agree, tho--at least one cycle, one year.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 03/08/10 03:07 AM
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
so then you don't subscribe to the "one year for every 5 years of marriage" or the "one month for every year of marriage" rules?
Nah! Ppffftt!!!! I ain't getting any younger.

Although, on the bright side, today I am younger than I'll ever be again! grin
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 03/08/10 03:35 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
so then you don't subscribe to the "one year for every 5 years of marriage" or the "one month for every year of marriage" rules?
Nah! Ppffftt!!!! I ain't getting any younger.

Although, on the bright side, today I am younger than I'll ever be again! grin

that's pretty much how I feel, too. while I'm in no serious hurry, I'd like to find someone to love and be loved by while I can still remember his name.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 03/09/10 01:30 AM
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
I'd like to find someone to love and be loved by while I can still remember his name.
And with that, Gardener is pleased to present hoosiermama her very first Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award!! laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: hoosiermama Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 03/09/10 03:04 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
I'd like to find someone to love and be loved by while I can still remember his name.
And with that, Gardener is pleased to present hoosiermama her very first Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award!! laugh laugh laugh

oh, thank you, thank you! you like me, you really like me! I'd like to thank all the little people....
Posted By: LolaL Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 03/09/10 03:37 AM
Awwwww that is the first time in a long time I have been referred to as little.... sniff.... wink
Posted By: pollyanna Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 04/20/10 10:59 PM
Ok them question time:

When is a rebound not a rebound ?

What says you jump straight into another relationship - actually before you have even left your marriage and 18 months your still with them.... Does it mean that the WAS just does realise thay are rebounding ? I will say in my situation with XH he does not look terribly like a man in love !
Posted By: par4me Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 07/19/10 09:38 PM
Really, I cant believe people meet people here. Seems like everyone has a broken heart and are completly strung out emotionally. Me included. I would like someone new. I can get someone new but it is not the same if you are thinking about your ex the whole time. I dont think that I am ready but then again it has helped in the past. All my relationships problems have been solved by a new girl. I whine and cry over one until a new comes into my life. Now, I already know that is probably not a healthy way to fix the problem but it has helped get me out of the dumps. Maybe I haven't been healthy all my life. All my girls where screwed up some how. 1st wife was still married and had 4 kids that I didn't know anything about. 2nd wife a pill head that lied and betrayed everyone around her, sold my clothes and kids clothes for drug money. cheated and lied. Maybe i am suppose to be single. I can't pick them. I just like being in love or I like feeling that someone thinks I am great and loves me. When they don't anymore it just floors me.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/02/10 06:34 PM
Well I guess I am in a new rebound relationship -- almost my second already!

"Rebound" has a negative connotation, but I guess I don't believe that rebound relationships are necessarily negative. I don't believe that all sexual/romantic relationships necessary have to be long term or lead to marriage in order to be a positive force in both people's lives.

After the shocking and unexpected abandonment by my STBXH in January, I was heartbroken and devastated. I had to do a LOT of grieving and personal work and take ADs just to get to the point where I was functioning and able to feel anything positive. I also DBed pretty hardcore for six months -- the time that I had given my STBXH to "change his mind". But there was NO indication of any doubt in his mind...he was DONE.

After 8 months I was GALing, had come a lot way towards accepting the end of my M, was feeling some optimism about my life. I saw STBXH in a more realistic way and was recognizing the positives of not being married to him.

But I was fixated on him as a romantic/sexual partner. I couldn't "break the spell". I was also feeling a huge personal vitality and desire to express myself as a woman and to live the passion that had been buried for so many years in my marriage.

I decided that I was ready to start dating and since I never meet unattached men I decided to do online dating, starting in late July. My new boyfriend (Guitarist) was the first man who contacted me on the site, the only man who I've dated through the dating site, and we had our first date (coincidentally) on what would have been the 10th anniversary with STBHX. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?

All I can say is that I am open to heartbreak and disappointment with this relationship, because the blessings of my time with Guitarist are so huge. We have incredibly similar situations, needs, and gifts to offer one another. It may well be a rebound situation, but it's also very healing. We are both mature adults and we recognize that we don't have a crystal ball to know where this relationship is going. We are ready to let things unfold as we continue to get to know one another.

We both went through years of lack of love, attention and sex in our marriages and we are both going through personal rennaissances where we are enjoying our lives and renewing ourselves through GAL and stengthening ourselves as individuals. We are both involved and devoted parents, with a lot of work and "life stuff" that doesn't allow for a lot of time together. We can fill one another's cup with passion, affection, and appreciation. It is a lovely experience. As mature adults who have been through a lot, we are focused on being in the present and we don't take for granted the intoxication of spending time together.

We were not cautious in how we proceeded in our relationship. Our first meeting was three hours of walking, talking, and instant attraction and connection. Sharing our passion started on our second date. There hasn't been any foolishness in terms of fast-forwarding to the future, but things have moved very fast, with becoming boyfriend/girlfriend after 10 dates (some pretty long/overnight ones wink ).

I am trying to follow my gut here, and pay attention to what feels right and what doesn't. I was also dating another man at one point (not at the same time as Guitarist) and that showed me that I still have "hooks" and am capable of being attracted to a man like STBXH. It was good to notice how uncomfortable and anxious I felt in that situation, especially compared to how I feel with Guitarist. I feel safe with Guitarist and I think that my intuition is a very helpful guide.

I am lucky that I have close friends who give me feedback on growth. They wouldn't push me towards dating if they thought I wasn't ready. But when I thought I was ready to date, they encouraged me to go for it. They helped me to look at the worst case scenario: if a guy dumped me or I got hurt, how much would it hurt and how long would it take me to get over it? I realized that I could afford to take the risk with some belief in my personal strength. That was tested when "hook" guy dumped me after 5 weeks of dating where a lot was clicking, but the emotional connection wasn't there on his part. It hurt and it triggered feelings of abandonment and unloveability from the separation. But I also recognized that it was all the same stuff and I was able to recover and move on relatively quickly.

I am blissed out with new Guitarist, but also committed to
* dealing with the harsh life stuff of needing to increase my income, dealing with legal/financial stuff, etc.
* intense counselling for my procrastination issues
* continuing to GAL in ways other than Guitarist
* continuing to put my children first (they are totally unaware of Guitarist being in my life)
* continuing to work on relationship with STBXH to achieve my goal of a relaxed, friendly, collaborative coparenting relationship

I think it's a mistake to generalize about relationships and the path that people need to take. As Gypsy wrote, being velcroed to the sidelines and not taking risks can be negative too.

Recognizing that I don't have the perspective and experience of many who are posting here, I guess the advice that I could give to anyone is:

* do whatever you need to do to become strong as an individual

* face reality 100% in every area of life and deal with anything that needs to be dealt with

* if you have children, put them first

* don't follow guidelines about dating and relationships...if you want to date then look at what the rewards could be of taking risks as well as your own ability shoulder the consequences if things don't work out

* when connecting with another human being, don't be stuck in the past, don't project forward to the future, just be in the present and tuned into how you are feeling and what you are experiencing now -- being in the present is the only way that we can live on the edge while maintaining our personal safety

* be open to having a relationship that's right for the present -- it's not a failure to have a short- or medium-term relationship that is healthy but doesn't lead to marriage or long-term commitment

* doing personal work is very important, but humans are designed to grow and evolve in relationship...no matter how we perfect ourselves in a vaccuum, it's often in relationship that we see ourselves mirrored, experience the triggers, etc. that allow us to develop and differentiate as people

Thanks for all the stories and advice in this thread. It's very interesting even though it seems that I'm in the minority with my experience and perspective, perhaps because I haven't walked down the road toward (and past) divorce as far as most of you.
Posted By: musclegal Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/03/10 11:59 AM
Hi Flowmom, I like your post. I'm involved with a nice man, trying to keep it separate from my "mom" life, and seeing how different he is from my XH (who I'm now trying to figure out why I ever married in the first place--interesting twist!). The relationship started out passionate but has cooled down--mostly because we don't get to see eachother very much. I have primary custody of the kids AND I still want/need to spend time with friends, so the time and distance works to slow things down. Sometimes considerably!

Yesterday I was talking about the relationship with my therapist, and how sometimes he's frustrated by how little time we have together. I kept saying "it might work or it might not". She asked what that meant--like would it work if we got married and not work if we didn't? My answer was that was probably it (even though I don't know if I ever even WANT to get married again!). She then said something interesting. That if you are training for a marathon and your only goal is to cross the finish line, you are setting yourself up for disappointments. That getting in shape, being outside, sleeping hard at night...all those are part of the marathon training even if you end up walking the last 2 miles or if you pull a muscle and don't even cross the finish line. She said I need to focus on the process--learning how to communicate better, enjoying that he treats me like a princess, getting close to him emotionally...all of those things can make the relationship "work" even if over the long haul we don't end up together. I am VERY worried about causing anyone any pain (or incurring any!), but she said that nobody knows the end at the beginning and to just try and be present in it and enjoy it. And towork on myself IN the relationship--by saying what I feel, by being honest, etc...that he will then get information that he needs to decide what works for him or not, etc. So, its a different twist.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/03/10 03:49 PM
Originally Posted By: musclegal
The relationship started out passionate but has cooled down--mostly because we don't get to see eachother very much. I have primary custody of the kids AND I still want/need to spend time with friends, so the time and distance works to slow things down. Sometimes considerably!
Interesting. One could see how less time together could work the other way, no? Limited time is definitely a factor between my boyfriend and I...from both sides. But I think we both feel comfortable with the relationship being just part of our lives, where work and parenting responsibilities loom large, as well as GAL activities.

Originally Posted By: musclegal
She said I need to focus on the process--learning how to communicate better, enjoying that he treats me like a princess, getting close to him emotionally...all of those things can make the relationship "work" even if over the long haul we don't end up together. I am VERY worried about causing anyone any pain (or incurring any!), but she said that nobody knows the end at the beginning and to just try and be present in it and enjoy it. And towork on myself IN the relationship--by saying what I feel, by being honest, etc...that he will then get information that he needs to decide what works for him or not, etc. So, its a different twist.
I think this is really good advice.

This is how I define relationship success for myself right now: enjoying passion, connection, and companionship with my boyfriend, and growing as a person in a relationship context. Can this happen in a rebound relationship? I don't see why not.
Posted By: musclegal Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/04/10 11:32 AM
Good definition! I think that the passion has cooled for us, too, not just because of time but also because both of our spouses had affairs leading to divorce. Not wanting to get hurt again is a big factor. That falling off a cliff feeling was scary for both of us. So its a more slow and steady deal.

I do wonder if we're being too careful emotionally but neither of us wants to get our socks knocked off again.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/04/10 05:01 PM
Yes, the trust thing is tricky. I think that my boyfriend both have the "falling off the cliff" feeling and it is scary. I think I probably have more trust issues than he does. My heart is guarded even though I'm gradually opening to him.
Posted By: musclegal Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 11/04/10 10:33 PM
Probably wise to be a little guarded...just to be careful with your own heart!
Posted By: hoswald Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 06/28/11 11:12 PM
Depends on how you do it and your expectations, too. I'm not looking until ink is well and truly dry on documents, and I'd still love it if STBXW came to her senses, but she's hurt me an awful lot.

When going through our memorabilia and sorting it into his and hers piles, I came across a letter from an old high-school never-quite-girlfriend and got in contact with her. She's just exiting a relationship as well, but we've both traveled very different routes and have pretty much completely incompatible lives; neither of us could see a LTR between us working out.

But we also both agree it might be fun and healing to get together on a "slightly more than friends" basis, possibly with a mutually-understood-that-it's-casual physical fling, but possibly not, and you know? That really would be fun and probably healing either way, since we're both very clear on expectations.

Might be a disaster, too, but might be a fairly rational way to deal with the "rebound" feeling without suddenly launching into thinking you've found your next LTR waaaaay before you're ready. I'm frankly inclined to give it a go.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Be careful you don't rebound!! - 07/21/14 07:18 PM
Well we were discussing this thread this weekend, and apparently it used to be stickied to the top of the forum but apparently it is now not stuck anymore.

So this will bring it back to page one at least for a little while.

My main job in playing basketball was getting rebounds....JUST SAYING.....
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