We have tendency to worry (rightfully so I feel) about ourselves here. But if we could just think of the positives of our family and what we have, we would be so much better off.
I have four children. Without them, I would be lost. One thing that kept me grounded throughout my divorce was those four children. They say the love of a spouse is greatest, but I have found that the love of my kids and my sisters has been the greatest for me.
I gave such benefits in this life because of these people. And then, there are my lovely girls here on this site. There are no better people.
So, with that in mind, I want to dedicate this thread to those who help us through. Be it our kids, our friends, our comrades in arms.
I can say without a doubt that although my kids are my heroes, they were not the ones who helped me through divorce. I can say without fail that the friends I have here helped me through that. I don't know what I would have done without this resource. It helped me make it through the toughest times. After all, I'm still here.
So thanks to all of you. Even thoguh so many of you are gone, so many are still here. We have such a great community here on DB. Even if we get censored, or moderated to death, it was a great resource to me. I hope it will continue to be such to the rest of you going through what we went through years ago.
All I can say is remember what's important. Mostly our kids, our family, and our friends.
HT,
I haven't been on in quite awhile, I decide to go check out things and lo and behold I find your thread. One of my many friends from this board who without I would not of survived as well.
Like you, I could not of survived if it weren't for the love and support of my two girls and my three sister's plus my Mom and Dad. I was truly blessed at that time and still am.
But, I can honestly say this board helped me make it through the toughest times...............some of the people here I've met and some I haven't and yet they were all such an important part of my survival. And to me that's just what it was survival.
I might not come here as often, but it is still a place I know I can go to and still see my wonderful friends and they will still understand.
I hope all is well with you Happy, please keep in touch.
Love,
Friend
Happy and Friend:
One of you I've met, one of you I haven't (yet). Without the board I think I'd have lost my mind. I was a total aching, wallowing mess until I bought Divorce Remedy and had some hope. Then I came to the bb (nearly 7 years ago).
There was ALWAYS one of you here to listen and support or set me straight and hit me with a 2x4. That was ok. Sometimes ya gotta hear the truth. I could not have managed without you.
And my children. God Bless Them! They suffered along with me. Brandon the most as Ryan did not understand and Ashley was younger then and we didn't tell her things that might hurt her. She learned things eventually (like about maggot and such) but some other things were better left unsaid. Above all, I tried to keep her R with her dad alive even though it was TOUGH! She and Brandon both chose never to meet or have a R with maggot and that will not likely change. They have been raised with good morals and values and they want no part of that. It hurt them very much when she announced their engagement and Chuck never even told them.
Throughout, I have been supported by family. My parents who HATE divorce found it tough but they stood by me. Losing my mom right in the midst of it all (the same week I got divorced!) was so hard. But that is life I guess. My younger sister was going through a lot of the same as me and she has been great support too. Funny thing - she ended up working for H's divorce attorney. How funny is that? My brother was also great by stepping in to be a dad to Ash at times as Brandon has also done.
I adore my family. They are first in my book. You guys are next. I love you all!
Barb
OMIGOSH!!! I need a box of kleenex, please.
I've commented to many people (real ones) how close some of us here on the board have become from sharing our experiences. They just don't get how that can happen with people you've never met. But, I "know" a lot of you better than I know some of my "real" friends. We've gone through things together that others can't even begin to understand.
I always recommend this site to people having problems in their M. I feel like it saved my sanity (some tell me otherwise).
Yes, I get aggravated at times with the censorship and other things but.......it is what it is, for now.
Of course, my parents, siblings and real life friends have stood by me and picked me up when necessary also. My D was the catalyst for finally throwing X out because I wanted her to know that allowing someone to disrespect and mentally and emotionally abuse you is NOT ok.
So, hooray for all of us here that survived this awful event and are living happier and healthier lives!!!!
qoe, Barbie,
How are you both? I hope well. Nothing really new here, my grandson is so much fun......he will be a year old in Nov. can you believe it???? Time just flys by. My Ex is still with FUG and still has the same issues, just thankful he shares them with her and not me anymore.
No one new in my life right now and that's fine. qoe, has everything with your guy? Barbie, are you and Josh still good.
So glad HT started this thread, I need to caught up!!!
Love to you all,
FRIEND
It is an amazing thing, isn't it?
As far as traditions.....
I always wish my kids "Pretty Dreams." It was something that my mom did with me, and I continued it with them. I think it would be hard to sleep without that each night.
Apple picking in the Fall, with pictures at the Orchard.
We'll get together between XMas and New Years with my Aunt and cousins in the city. I hope that I'll be able to have Easter at my house next year.
During the week, the kids take turns being cook and picking the game/activity for Game night (both on one night). We all help clean up.
My biggest support has been my online friends from the boards. Mostly because only one offline friend knows everything about my situation. I have not told my family or any other offline friends all of my H's activities. Just never felt the need to and with my family, I know it would hurt them to know this about him.
Having said that, my parents have supported me by saying that they are there for me and that they are proud that I didn't fall apart like perhaps they thought I would. In the beginning my sister was a great ear and still is, only I choose not to share any of the rotten details and I am sure she was tired of me calling her to listen to me babble on out my troubles. I know that's what friends and family are for but really, they have their lives too and I am sure they wanted me to just get on with life but never said so.
Anyhow, thank you to all here that have helped, listened and supported. I appreciate it very much and I am grateful to have you!
PS. Donna, the tradition stuff is on my thread.
Hey there Friend! Wow, nearly a year old already. And yes, Barb is still with Josh. They have a big shindig in Toronto tonight. Hey there Donna and Trip.
Wow, this has generated a lot of responses. I was feeling last night as if when we're going through a D, we don't take stock of what we DO have. And I'm as guilty as anyone. I was hoping to reach other DB'ers to ask them to stop and think about the good in their lives. Sure it still hurts. But I wish I had thought a little more about what was good rather than bad way back then. It seemed as if the world was ending, and it was my marriage only. And I wanted to say that our kids hate the D as much as we do, but they don't want to live it with us. They just want to be kids.
It was nice to see all of you. I'm off to Vegas in the morning for five days and hopefully will come back home rich on Thursday! Yeah right. Maybe I should rephrase that. I hope to come back not poor!
Good luck, Happy
You are right about the kids not wanting to live it with us; I know that my kids had a hard time, and I wish I had been stronger for them. I am grateful that I made it through to wear I have to be, now.
I miss my parents a lot. As messed up as mom was, it has been hard being without her or other close family. My dad.....he was always so strong. I don't know if he would have killed x, or if this would have killed him. He always looked at x as his own son. We were dating less than a year when we were "found out;" my dad's princess having sex at 16. Instead of going ballistic, this giant man, 6'4", 300+ pounds, just hugged me. Knew that we loved each other, and got my mother to calm down. He could have handled it in such a different way....
I worry now about my other family....blood to x. My inlaws have chosen to stand by me, but he is their son. It is so hard for them, and has placed a lot of strain on the extended family. I know it would be easier for all of them if I just disappeared. I don't know if x will ever forgive me, since he can't see that he did this to himself.
I have had to build my own family and support network. My aunt and cousin (although I didn't want to dump this on them all the time), other close friends, support groups and AlAnon......and you all, here. Don't know what I would have done without you all.
Hey Friend!
WOW! I can't believe your grandson will be one in NOV! Seems like just a month or two ago. I'm coming to Florida in Nov. Meeting up with Nursemom and Hopeful - we've stayed friends and see each other at least once a year either in Tampa or Orlando.
Yes, Josh and I are good. We spent most of today planning the vacation of a lifetime we will take right after Christmas. It will last a month and take in both of our birthdays. I'll post more about that if I start a new thread.
How are your girls? See anyone from DB any more?
Barb
Barb,
That's wonderful you and the girls stay in touch.........other then you girls on the BB, I stay in touch with TonyP. He says he doesn't like coming to the boards brings back to many bad memories, but he's doing fine. He still gets an email from Randy now and then, we both met Randy at the last Party Gail had.
HT,
I couldn't agree more about way back then only thinking about the loss, the hurt, and not remembering the good that we still had. Only with time and with healing do we remember those things. It is a good reminder for those just going through what we did, it's just not something we think about at the time all the horrible stuff is happening.
I still hurt from all that stuff, and I still have a problem letting some of it go...........something I'll have to find a way of getting rid of.
I do try to always remember what I do have, how wonderful my life is and how truly blessed I am.
Have a wonderful time is Vegas, I was there a few years ago, I had a blast, I met.........oh I forgot, what Happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, lol.
Love to all,
Friend
Yes Friend, it does stay there. I had a blast in Vegas. I learned a little about our new company, but not enough. Got back late last night.
still hurt from all that stuff, and I still have a problem letting some of it go...........something I'll have to find a way of getting rid of.
Friend, I sometimes still hurt too. I probably always will. I don't think I can ever fully recover from what happened. BHut I have chosen to move forward, just as you have. I've accepted everything, but it still sometime grates on me.
But I will say this. My X did not treat me right. He was not the husband i wished he was. I could not, would not, ever go back to him because I know now how badly he treated me. So in that respect, I am so much better off. Because I know that I deserve better. And now, with him gone, I have better.
BTW - I an one of the few who won in Vegas. It's kind of amazing. I could not lose there. Of course, after class and all the other corporate things. But it was a great trip.
Hey HT,
Went to Vegas and had a blast too. I didn't really gamble much, and I can't say I won, but the sites were great. I wouldn't mind going back one day, fun place.
HT, like you, my Ex treated me really mean towards the end, I NOW know why. He wanted me to do the dirty work for him and kick him out, and I finally did. It wasn't when it came to him being mean to me, it was when he started being mean to my girls, that's when I told him to leave.
HT, I often ask myself, do people really fall out of love, especially when the other person has no idea it's happening. How could I have been so blind, or stupid, or naieve? But like they all say, it really doesn't have anything to do with us, it was what was happening to them. Still blows my mind though...to think you could be with someone 25 years, to feel your love is growing, all while the other is feeling the complete opposite.
Weird huh? Oh well...........on to new and better things.
I really have to stop thinking about the man I created him out to be and in all honesty, he really wasn't.
Take care HT,
love,
Friend
Yo Happy Today..... great thread.
Ya... people around us. We owe them a lot. I too felt my kids were often what kept me looking forward and giving me a motivation to continue on and find a new life during and after D.
I agree with your comment about love for our kids versus love for a spouse. I loved my wife and I love my new wife. It is different though in how I love my kids. Maybe I am out of balance. I dont know. All I can say is that love of my kids has been a huge motivating force in my life.
Love of my kids, I believe, kept me from ending my life at the darkest of times. Sadly, I did not see enough value in my own life at the deepest darkest and most painful time during separation and divorce. The thought of my kids was all that kept me hanging on.
This is not the healthiest way to live. I believe firmly that in order to be truly happy, fulfilled, and healthy emotionally, we need to recognize that we as individuals are worthy of our place and role here on earth. We must realize that we are of value to ourselves independent of others. For me, it is essential to know that God loves me and values me as an individual.
With a belief and understanding of self-value, we can then go on to love and support others. If we don't, we are merely codependent. That is what I feel anyway.
With all that said, I am grateful that I loved my kids when I didnt love or value myself. It got me through that period where I did not love myself.... or see value.
Thanks for the thread.
Chazz
What a sweet post Chazz. And you're so right on all your points.
I know for me, when the bomb hit and I was told what an awful wife I had been, I didn't value myself much either. But when he tried to say I was a bad mom, well, that's when I got mad and started to fight back.
Plus, to further your points, if our children feel as if we don't care about ourselves, then what do they have to look up to? Especially when our STBX's are wallowing in their own - whatever.
My feeling is this: If we can somehow choose to step back when we're in more pain than we ever have been, and look at what good we have rather than bad, we can get through this dark hour with less baggage.
It's hard to make that choice, but it is a choice. For me, having the kids to take care of and keep my mind busy was a Godsend. It kept me focused on what was important. But even for those DB'ers who do not have kids, there are ways to keep yourself focused.
If I had not had the kids, there were things I would have liked to do.
Happy...
It's hard to make that choice, but it is a choice. For me, having the kids to take care of and keep my mind busy was a Godsend. It kept me focused on what was important. But even for those DB'ers who do not have kids, there are ways to keep yourself focused.
You make a good point here. If we have an outside need or interest to keep our focus.... and I mean a healthy sincere interest like our kids... it helps keep us from focusing on our pain and thereby making it worse.
Self pity grows in the dark. Meaning the darkness of our solitude. When I finally got my fixation of my own problems and hurts and cracked the shell on the self pity that kept me where I was, I was able to move forward.
Looking outside of myself to my kids and the other aspects of my life for which I was grateful was a big part of my recovery.
Thanks again for the thread.
Chaz
Ever wonder why that is - why our friends here on this board are so much more help than our family and friends off line.
It's easy to explain really, it's because we've all be there and completely understand. Most of our off line family and friends are clueless to what it feels like.
My sister was a big help when I went thru my divorce but the help was limited some what. She admitted much later that she didn't understand why I didn't fight more...then her own bomb hit about two years ago. One of the first things my sister did was apologize to me for not being there more and for not understanding more.
I remind my sister about that often, when she complains that her adult children aren't getting it - I just say, well it's because they don't understand it and let's hope they never do!!
Here's to all my dear friends who got me through - love you all!
Gigi
Ever wonder why that is - why our friends here on this board are so much more help than our family and friends off line.
It's easy to explain really, it's because we've all be there and completely understand. Most of our off line family and friends are clueless to what it feels like.
Gigi,
That is so true.... Actually, my friend T was a HUGE help.... Of course, she had been through it four years earlier..... The most helpful thing anyone said to me was her saying the following:
T: What if Kim was standing here right now. She was willing to do WHATEVER. What would you ask her to do to make this right?
RMG: T, there is NOTHING she could do.
Take Care,
RMG