Well, I honestly just dont know where to begin. I guess with - I'm tired. I'm very tired. I think there comes a point in many of us DBer's lives where we look at how much effort went into saving a drowning ship and finally decided its just best to swim towards calmer seas. For almost three years now I have been the only one fighting for my marriage. My H (guess I need to get used to typing STBXH) decides that when things got hard an OW was the solution. He has walked away in so many different ways that I just can no longer keep up the fight. I have thrown in the towel, I haved called mercy, and I decided to believe it when he says ILYNILWY.
I was one of those truly hopeful souls. I just knew that he would eventually see the light and want our deep love back. I kept labeling him MLC (which I still believe he is) as a way to say that this too will pass and then we can fix our R. But instead of seeing it as a middle, I need to see it as the end. If you read my previous thread from piecing (I was way too hopeful over there) you will understand why I have to let this go.
So here I am, facing a divorce in the midst of facing possible terminal cancer...yes folks, that's right, I found out about my cancer 2 days before he dropped the OW bomb. To his defense I did not tell him right away. I was already spinning from everything, but still, even after he knew he keeps chosing her over his family. If you read my previous post you will get a better picture of it all. I am not bitter or angry or even sad at this stage, more like dissapointed. Dissapointed that he continues to do self distructive things, dissapointed that he puts his own needs before even his son, dissapointed that when I needed my best friend the most he looked externally for validation instead of fixing the broken part of him on the inside. It is his journey so he gets the right to chose how to navigate it. Just as with my journey I get the right to say that I am no longer holding on.
For those who wish to catch up, here is the link
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1568121&page=1&nt=11&fpart=1
Hi my friend,
Letting go is hard. I think it is an important step. All I can say is FOCUS on YOU. I pray your cancer is not terminal and that you can live a long life. Please enjoy your time here NOW. We all need to do this. Focus on all the good things during each day. Go watch the sun rise with someone special. Watch the sunset.
*HUGS AND PRAYERS*
((( Brokenhearted)))
I am so sorry
first there is nothing wrong w/ having hope, we all have/had hope, without it we wouldnt of come this far.
As hard and maybe un natrual that it may be, I hope you can let him be for right now and concentrate on yourself and your son. You need to be focused on you, to get better.
I am sure everyone here on this side will help you in whatever way we can, advice support, prayers, whatever you need.
You def have friends here
((( BH)))
Ready, you need to do the same my friend. Just make sure you dont shoot yourself with your bow while riding horseback....we would all hate to lose such a wise soul. I will be hearing in a couple of weeks the final results and will let you know what the doc says. Personally, with the exception of a few woe is me moments every so often, I am at peace with my life. I can see how short things can be and know that we all need to live it to our fullest while we can. If that means letting go so that I dont stay stuck, then that is what I must do. Even if all is well and I live to be 200, I still need to let go so that I can continue the journey of learning what life has to offer me.
Go luck on your hunt and have a wonderful trip!
I need to get up in 5 hours, but I can't stop posting (LOL)
(STUCK SUCKS)
Good night.....
Thank you Karen. The problem that I had with having hope was that it kept me locked into looking for signs, any sign, that said he was going to come home. It was when I began to have hope again that maybe things would work out that I lost the focus on myself and slid back into waiting for him. This is not healthy for me. I have to let go for myself. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it is also necessary for my heart.
I do not hold anger or resentment against him. In fact, I think I finally understand him better than ever. I can see why he has made the decisions he has made, I just do not believe they are healthy or right. I can not and will not fix him. This is the path he chose and I have no place on it. So, I am dropping the rope, re-focusing on me, all the while still being very kind and pleasant to him. I believe that we all do the best we can with the hurt we carry. His actions come from a very scared and hurt soul trying to protect himself. I get it,I really do. And because I get it, it makes it easier for me to be kind and compassionate towards him. I am just not willing to be giving of myself to him anymore. Hope that makes sense.
Yes, posting can become addictive....because of all of the wonderful people here. Goodnight Ready and have a wonderful trip.
((BH))
I'll catch up soon.
The problem that I had with having hope was that it kept me locked into looking for signs, any sign, that said he was going to come home. It was when I began to have hope again that maybe things would work out that I lost the focus on myself and slid back into waiting for him
You know that has been such a huge topic here on surviving, whether all the talk of hope and baby steps, was keeping us "stuck" I def fell into that- I bet most did-
Ex played on it as well, giving me hope, till he found someone "better"
I think we all have our own timetable of when its time to move on - cant do it too soon or we will always wonder, what if.
Its a slow healing process but it does come , you will get there too, you sound actually very positive and solid on your choice.
Good for you.
You must be a left coaster, I'm bettin, everyone else is sleepin lol
g'night and welcome.
BH--
You sound very grounded. Hope....it always sounds like something you should strive to have, but the wrong hope almost killed me. I was unwilling to let go.
Your words show a lot of wisdom, and focusing on what you do have control over and your own choices is the best course of action for you.
You will have friends here who can walk the path with you...
Donna
Thanks Karen ans Donna for your kind words. I think in the case of my STBXH that he likes to play the role of nice guy. When we were in MC this subject came up time and time again, that he did things that did not make him happy just so people would like him. I think all of the "babysteps" that I saw where not an effort by him to stay connected, but an effort to be the nice guy. Yes, it is so easy to want to have those crumbs but I have gotten to a place where I want more than that.
I just want to share how I am detaching. Yesterday my S had a IC appointment. STBXH attends these with us and normally while S is in with the doc we sit in the waiting area and talk/joke. Last night, STBXH asked me questions about how I was doing. I said I was doing really well, thank you. THen he wanted to know if I had plans this weekend. I replied "Yep." and thats it. He said, "Well, um, ok then." I was smiling and upbeat, not mean or nasty but unwilling to let him in. When S went inot the office, I grabbed my stuff and said I had to go home to do some things and I would be out of the house by 6pm. STBX was going to take S to dinner then bookstore, but instead they showed up at 5pm while I was getting ready. As I was walking out the door, STBX told me at least 3x's how great I looked.....I thanked him but did not read anything into it. I actually did feel like I looked good!
After I got home from the concert (I had a blast and a smile on my face the entire time!!!!!) he asked all about it. I talked with him for about 2-3 minutes, said it was wonderful then thanked him for staying a little later. I then picked up my dog and started to walk outside. I left STBX to find his way out on his own. After he was gone I realized that I truly do not like this person he has chosen to become. This is helping me to let go. Sure, I miss the old him, but that man no longer exsist. I'm in the final stage of mourning the loss of that man and ready to just move on.
I dont read anything into his actions anymore. They are all about him and have nothing to do with having concern or care for me. He has an OW to build his ego, I am no longer going to play that part as well. I just have to stay strong on this course because it truly is what is best for my heart. I wish from the bottom of my soul that we could work on making our M work, but wishing does not get you anywhere. Like I have read many times before "Never ask for a wishbone where a backbone should be." I'm trying to build that backbone now because I need it and my S needs it.
(((BH)))
You sound really great today.
I like that wishbone/backbone quote and hadn't heard it before. Makes total sense!
I'm glad you had fun at the concert. And yes, you do sound MUCH more detached than you were before.
Thank you so much for saying that. It is very kind of you. I have to admit that I am not feeling very positive at the moment. Its funny, I feel like I have been hit with the angry train and its roaring out of control. I know that this is just my way of finally letting go, one last look at the injustice of it all. My anger will pass, it is just a phase. Most of the time I feel pity towards STBXH, but at this moment I am feeling deep anger. I just cant believe he turned into such a manchild, acting like a crazy teen. I cant believe that he would be so shallow to leave me when I am this sick. Even if he does not love me, he should at least have a sense of obligation to help take care of things while I am going through treatment. What kind of person walks away from that??? Some one who is increditble selfish and shallow. Some one who is low and dirty. And why is it that I STILL have that one little teeny tiny voice back there saying "Please dont give up? What if you held out just a little longer and he came back. Look at all the babysteps he was making when I was acting like his friend." But where they really babysteps? God, I HATE THIS!!!!!! I want what was, not what is, but that only sows discontent into my life. I cant change what is, I know that. I have to learn to accept it. BUT I DONT WANT TO!
That small voice in my head keeps repeating what the DB coach said. Become the OW. Be their friend so they feel comfortable around you and trust you. That is when the love will grow. But when I threw myself into that, I went in all the way. I started to lose ground and myself. EVERYTHING became about watching for those baby steps. Part of me actually feels like there was progress being made even though he is still sleeping with OW. That part of me is whispering that I am blowing it by just letting go. But am I really? I was not the one who walked away. I was not the one who is having the A. I was not the one who only put my needs in front of everyone elses. So why do I feel responsible for the end of our M when I am finally letting go? God knows I dont want to D, but I dont feel like there is anything I can do to stop it at this point. I am just trying to accept it and move on.
I'm just so confused at the moment. I know this too shall pass and my path will appear more clearly, but at this very moment in time I am feeling like I just might be blowing the chance at R. Then again, am I really? I see so many WAH do the same thing that my STBX is doing AND IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING....they still leave. Is it better to just accept it and heal or keep trying? What is the opinion of those here. Again, I am just having a down day, so I am so sorry for the negative energy.
Hearted,
Your walking a fine line between trying to save a marriage and saving your health.Both take a lot of energy.Fighting for your marriage can be draining on your health.Since your already fighting to get healthy you don't have enough to spare to fight for your marriage.
I would set him on the back burner and focus on getting healthy.Hell I'm not even sure I would put him on the stove at all.You need to focus on you.
Right now you need to turn inward.Focus on those you love and those that love you.Set everything else aside.
Honey there are six billion people in the world.He is one man!He is not worth your health.If you are focusing on him your dividing your attention and energy between him and your health.Don't waste your energy.It's needed elsewhere.
Later Friend
Briget
Hell I'm not even sure I would put him on the stove at all.You need to focus on you.
this made me pee
i love it
it's your damn stove
don't put anything on it that doesn't need to be there
Figgy you really gotta do something about that peeing thing girl.LOL
i know
(((((bh))))))
Wise words. Leave him to his own devices and thoughts. He will make stuff up, anyway, no matter what you do about him. You have shown him your love and friendship. Think of how he will have to answer when others ask how you are, and HE DOESN'T KNOW.
You are right: its his time to prove himself, now, for better or for worse. You have already done your part, and he knows how you feel about the marriage and wanting to try. If he can't step up under these circumstances, is he someone that you would want?
Sorry you are feeling so down, but it also might just be a self-wakeup call.
You are all wise and completely right. I have stated many times that I know that the key to happiness comes from within. I need to just let him go so that I can go back to focusing on me. He made his choice, now I need to accept it. Thank you for such sage advice. Today was just a low day. I happens every so often but nearly as much as it used to. Sometimes, letting the grief out is the best thing so that we can just let it go. I think that is what I am doing.
This is why I post here, so that I can lean on people who have already walked a similar path and can help me navigate it. You all understand the doubts and the regrets. It does not mean we are not making the right choice, it just means we are wrapping our heads around a difficult situation. Why would I give my attention to someone who obviously cant be there at the most important time in my life? I should not want to and am working very hard to stop it. I grew up with this man, so it is going to hard to let go completely but I KNOW it is the right thing for me to do. Please feel free to hit me with 2x4's in the future because I am prone to dive into situations. They will be very appreciated.
Now that my self pity is over, I am enjoying a nice glass of Pino Nior. He can slum it with his OW, but I still have class!
(oops, guess I need to work on being more positive today. O'well, there is tomorrow)
Hi BH,
Sorry to hear you had a low day. Hope today was better.
*HUGS*
BH,
I don't know why your husband is the way he is, but from the picture you have painted of him, I see a weak man. Maybe this is not so. I see him trying to escape from the difficulties of real life. Running away not just from your problems, but your son's problems too. You are so much stronger and more grounded than he is. I'm afraid that if he did come back that he would sap you of your strength. I do not see him as a possible source of strength for you to draw from.
How are you feeling today?
Sara, you hit the nail on the head. STBXH has never been a source of strength. When things got tough I had to be the one to step up and take care of it all. When I went through a sever depression 10 years ago, STBXH responded by going on a camping trip with friends, leaving me home alone to deal with "my issues". Of course when this was brought up later on he twist it to say that I really was not that sad (um, tried to commit suicide that night because you left me). Trust me, I learned to love life after that horrible experience. Never wanted to go back to that dark place again and never have. Even tonight when I talked on the phone with my S he says to me "Mom, I just cant talk to dad like I talk to you. He just isnt strong like you are." It broke my heart to hear him say that and my son is only 9. Even he can see that his dad is broken right. Heck, anyone who would leave their wife at a time like this is pretty messed up.
Since this is my STBXH weekend to spend with our S, I had to leave the house. I went out with one of my friends last night to a girls Bunko party (or should I say DRUNKO party). We laughed and had a wonderful time. Did not get to bed until 3 am. God, I am getting too old for those kind of shinanagans but it was fun anyway. Today she took me shopping and I had a PMA. I was trying on a dress (guys, tune out here because you just wont get it) and I actually had to buy a size 4!!!! I am 5'8" and now wear a size 4!!! Four years ago I was a size 22. So you can only imagine had great that felt. Now I am at a different friends house and we had some great wine and even better conversations. Through it all I have not missed my STBXH. Its funny how when you finally close the door things get easier to move on. He has now become the babysitter for me. Someone who is scheduled to come and take care of my S while I go out and have a wonderful time. And trust me, I am the happiest I have been in years. Of course getting hit on by guys seems to help with the confidence as well, but I am NO where ready to even think about dating. I know in one of my post that I asked if I should stick my toe in the water, but now see it is healthier for me to focus on me, my health and my son...anything else will just be a distraction.
Thanks again for all of the positive feedback and support. You all have been a life line to me.
Brokenhearted, I found you again!!!
Congrats on the size 4!!! That is so tiny, please don't get any smaller!!!
Karen
Hi "Miss size 4", (I have no clue about women sizes...Time to do research on internet)
Anyway, Just stopped in to say hi.
DON'T STICK YOUR TOE IN THE WATER! It is ICE COLD!!!!
Don't touch the pan. It is hot and will burn you!
Focus on you.....
*Thoughts and prayers"
Yeah Karen, you found me again! Its sad that so many of my former posting buddies are making there way over here. I had to take a break from the boards for a few months to try and get my head on straight. Hey, are you still keeping your pants on around your STBXH?
Ready, you are preaching to the chior. I know that I am not ready to date or make new "friends". I want to share a story with you: I have a friend who started to date this guy 3 months ago. His wife left him in Febuary for OM. She filed for divorce and convinced him it was over. After trying everything to get her back he finaly let go and moved on to my friend. Four weeks ago the WAW "woke up" and declared her undying love for him. Now he is confused because the failing of the M is falling on his shoulders because he does not think he wants to R. My friend is confused because now he is no longer focused on their R, but trying to decide what he wants. I do not want to be in that position or want to hurt anyone who walks into my life. The only time it is fair to move on to some one else is when the hurt in my heart is gone. That way I am free to love unconditionally again.
I wanted to share what happend today. I was not a very nice STBXW to my WAH. The sad thing is that I really dont feel that bad about it and I prob should. Today I came home at 4pm with a smile on my face. I had had a wonderful weekend and was feeling very happy. STBXH wanted to know what I did and who I was with. I simply said I had a great time and I stayed with friends. He asked what friends? I simply said friends.
I thought he would leave shortly after I got back. Guess I thought wrong. He kept staying and staying. I did not ask him to go because at least my S is getting some time with him and that is a good thing. At one point he pulled me aside to talk about my S birthday. The conversation then moved to how he found our wedding pictures torn up and in the trash. I did it to let go of my past, not out of anger. I told him that there was no reason to hold on to the pictures because that was not who I was anymore and they held no meaning at this point. He told me he still had his picutes of us. I asked him why and he said so that S could see them when he wanted to. I told him that I had already made a picture album for S with pics of us so H could throw his away. I no longer had ANY pics of us. Told him how I had let go and dont love him anymore, so didnt want any pics. He responded by saying that he still felt a special connection to me and that I would always be in his life. He did not want to give up the pics because of that.
I looked at him and said you are no longer part of my life. You are a part of our S's life and so am I but you are not in mine. Please understand that I do not see you as a friend. Friends do not treat me the way you have treated me. He was a little speechless and said that we just see things differently. Ok, here is where I lost my mind a little. That little demon voice was whispering in my ear to drive the point home and really stick it to him after everything he has done to me and my S. I actually do feel bad about it but what is done is done. At this point I looked at him and said "And just so you know, I am dating again. I have been seeing some one who is a really good friend but I was not willing to take it farther in case we could work it out. You have made it very clear that that is not a possibility so I am now persuing a R with him." I know, I claim temporary insanity for telling tis lie. I then went even farther and told him that I was going out with my "new guy" Tuesday night and that he needed to leave as soon as I got home because it would be ackward. Karma is so going to slap me for this. STBXH said that he did not want me to feel ackward so he would leave. I then went about my business at the house and started to read a book on the sun porch.
STBXH stayed until almost 6pm. He kept coming in and wanted to talk to me about some more S stuff. I was pleasant and kind but it is obvious that I am detached. He can no longer be my focus. He made his choice so now I am moving on. It was a bit of an inconvience to have him just keep lingering around the house but he eventually left. He needed to hear that I am done, and I needed to say it. So, how hard do you think karma is going to bite me for all of my negative energy and evil deeds? Guess I will find out soon enough.
Hi BH,
Everyone says when you REALLY let go and move on, the WAS comes begging back.
I don't think the little lie is too bad. I think it is better to let their mind wander. Not telling them anything lets them think everything!
Anyway, hope you have a good time with the "new guy". Keep doing what you have been, it may wake up H. Everyone also says piecing is magnitudes tougher than going through the D.....
*hugs and prayers*
Here is the thing Ready, I really dont think I could take him back now. When I told him that I did not love him anymore, I really meant it. He is a shadow of the man I loved. He has done so many ugly things. Yes, I have forgiven him but I dont have that feeling for him anymore.
Hey, maybe now that the little white lie is out there he will start to wonder every time he has to see me go out. I think things are going to start to get really hard for him. I have had to deal with the fact that I was thrown away. Now he is getting to feel what that is like. Plus, 2x's a week he comes over to the house to be with our S. When he comes over I am dressed to the nines and walk out with a zip in my step. Now he is going to wonder who it is that I am going out with. He told me last week that he is still having a hard time picturing me with someone else. The really mean part of me is just smiling over all the thoughts that might just pop into his mind each time he sees me all dressed up and walking out SOOOOO happy. I really dont mean to be so evil, but sometimes it helps with all of the pain they piled onto us. Truth be told, it really is not about him at this point. I dress up to feel good about me and am having a wonderful time reconnecting with my friends.
You go girl! the important thing is to, as my father says, "let him eat his kishkes out." Just be careful not to laugh.
AWESOME!
(He will be begging soon) His time for growth!
Love is a funny thing. I know you don't love him anymore. He may earn your love in the future, but worry about that when it comes. Keep enjoying everyday!
*HUGS*
Thanks for making me smile Sara.
Ready, why is it that I can see how sexy you are but your W cant? Boy, she has no idea what she has lost!!!
But, when our WAS have their heads so far up their @ss how can they see what they are missing?
Maybe H will grow, maybe he wont. I no longer have the desire to see that through. This time is about ME. I go in for my biopsy tomorrow. Will let you know how it goes when I hear back. Again, just reminds me how weak he is to walk away at this point. God forbid OW would actually need to lean on him for anything......
Oh, you sound SO good. Please, let us know as soon as you know, ok?
Things went really well today. The procedure was not that big of a deal. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I should hear next week the results.
I am trying so hard to let STBXH go. I really try not to focus on him anymore, but today made me angry that he was not there with me. I know that I will get through this just fine. I have had to deal with so much and have been able to let go. He, on the only hand, has only run from things and carries everything deep down inside him. Because I understand this, I feel very sorry for him. I believe that one day the guilt is going to smack him like a dump truck. It will definately suck to be him. But even if that does not happen, at least I know I let go of someone who is no longer a good person.
I hate that he still fills some many of my thoughts. I am trying to stop that but he has been apart of me for so long it is really hard to get him out of my head. Do I think he even thinks about me? No, so I should not waste my energy thinking about him. I am trying, I really am.
BH,
I found you...
I'm glad it went well for you today. I am saying a prayer for you every day and I hope the results will be good for you next week. You're so brave!
It is so hard not to think about our H... I'm also fighting with my DAM occupying my head
.
(((HUG)))
Still keepin' up with you and your sitch. Size 4, girl!!! Tell me your secret!!
You are amazing!
Please understand that I do not see you as a friend. Friends do not treat me the way you have treated me
You know, for some reason, I am terrified to say this to H. I know I should, it IS how I feel (how can I be friends with someone who has no cares about me, etc). But I am scared to say it out loud to him. Maybe I am afraid he'll shut me out totally and I'll miss him. Maybe I am afraid he'll be weird with the kids (taking them more, not telling me day to day fun stuff about them, etc). Don't know, but I am.
Karma will not bite you, but no more white lies, silly girl.
Keep up the PMA!
I know EXACTLY how you feel with that - how can you be friends with these people?
Funny, I could have forgiven him and welcomed him back home as a H, but I really don't want him as just a friend, and that is all he wants to be to me. I just don't think I could relate to him like that. Maybe that is a secret of DB that I didn't / couldn't get to - I was never able to detach like that, especially around him. It pisses him off, that all or nothing thing. But it is how I feel. I have enough friends. Maybe that dooms any reconciliation in the future...
lwb, we have got to go out for some beers here real soon. Thanks for checking back in with me. It has been a while. I guess I finally got to the point where I no longer cared what STBXH thought of me. He is playing games to keep me in his back pocket so he can feel good. It made me miserable. Like I have said, I am very kind and compassionate with him, just completely detached. He is like the babysitter now. He comes, I go, I get back and ask how things went, thank him and send him on his way. He needs to know that there are conciequenses for behaving the way he has and one is losing me as his friend.
Thanks for the ego boost on the size 4 thing. Was not trying to brag, but I felt soooo good abou tit I wanted to share. And trust me, there are not going to be anymore little white lies. I really did not mean to do it, it just slipped out.
Like I have said, I am very kind and compassionate with him, just completely detached
Such a good place for you to be. Your H seems to accept that you won't be friends with him. My H would get very angry and defensive and think I was crazy. Another difference I noticed is that your H will be or is already upset about you being with someone else. My H would high-five me if I told him I was dating.
It pisses him off, that all or nothing thing. But it is how I feel. I have enough friends. Maybe that dooms any reconciliation in the future...
I am a point that I really dont care how he feels. He threw away our M, me and my son. Why would it bother me if it upset him that I did not see that as a friendly gesture. He does not deserve my friendship...my kindness, yes, friendship no. Guess its part of that detaching thing, not really caring. Also, I truly believe that too many times these men dont see the consiquences that their actions cause. If being his friend did not get you to R, why continue to do it? I admire those who can do it long term, but I dont have that luxury. Staying in limbo was draining me. Sure, he was acting so much kinder to me but he was also having sex with his OW. I am a all or nothing person as well. He can see how well I am doing, how happy I am. If he wants to be a part of it, then HE can do the work to come back into the fold. I paved a very nice road for him up until this point and he still chose not to take it. He can see what it would be like to come back, but he is still chosing her. I now am letting go and chosing to create my own life. I guess that is what happens when you drop the rope, you dont care if their feelings are hurt. I just keep reminding myself that he did not care if my feelings were hurt when he sleeps with OW.
My H would high-five me if I told him I was dating.
lwb, this is exactly how my STBXH is acting as well. He wants me to think that he is happy that I moved on. Acting like it does not bother him that I have dates. Thing is, I know him pretty well and I also know what he said to me last week. He told me that he was still having problems picturing me with someone else but in time he would be just be fine with it. I think the truth of the sitch is that he wants to be fine with it because he kows that he has ended our R. In the begining he may even feel relieved that I now have someone. But I still think that it is going to eat at him. He has loved me for twenty year and only 5 months ago moved out. You can not turn off those feelings that easily, no matter how much you try and convince yourself. He keeps saying that we have a deep connection....that tells me he has not truly let go. Well, guess what, I have. When you are in a medical crisis time seems to speed up and things become a little more clear. He can act like it does not bother him, but I still believe it does.
I wonder about my x - I think he would be thrilled if I found someone else, because then he wouldn't have to feel so guilty.
But the pride thing....not sure how that would play out for real, or under his cover. I have no idea what the man thinks about anymore. SO doesn't matter, either way.
Keep taking care of you....glad that the procedure went well, and hope you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers....
Praying for good test results....
Stay strong sweetie!
*Hugs*
I just keep reminding myself that he did not care if my feelings were hurt when he sleeps with OW.
Or when he lied.
Or when he hid.
Or when he ignored my calls.
I could go on and on and on, huh?
So true, broken. You have come so far. I want to be you!!!
He told me that he was still having problems picturing me with someone else but in time he would be just be fine with it.
Must be textbook, I heard the same thing. Something along the lines of "It'll hurt, yeah. But that is just something I'll have to get used to". Oh poor baby. I don't buy that he'll ever be fine with it, completely.
Oh and I have heard, "You'll always have my heart, you'll have be the special one to me, that connection". Yep.
<Sigh> I need some help. Maybe I just need professional help, I dont know. I was so strong, I saw my path, I knew what needed to happen to make it through the tunnel....and yet I waiver. I hate this. I really do. Trust me it is the fear of the last few days talking, but still I hate this.
Tonight was my fake with my friend from out of town. STBXH told me he would be at the house an hour earlier than normal. I said nothing to this. Just excepted it. He actually showed up at 5:35 instead of the 5pm he said would be here. There was some small talk and then he pulled me aside. Wanted to know why I thought it was ok to bring someone back to the house when I had said that I wanted it in the parenting plan that there would be no unrelated people after S goes to bed. I said it was only for a couple of drinks and that was it. He pressed the issue and started a fight with me. I walked away.
I cooled off and came back to apologise. Told him I did not mean to get angry, that there is alot of hurt there right now do to the circumstances. Said that I was feeling angry because I felt that when we took our vows it meant in sickness and in health and he left me. TOld him I felt that I could be left in a situation where I was going to die alone and that was so unfair. I hoped he never had to expierence the pain and agony that I was going through because NOBODY should ever have to face it alone.
He told me that I just did not understand the sitch and that he left before he knew about my cancer. I said, yes but you know now and still chose to let me do this alone. He said that I was chosing to be alone and that he wanted to be there for me, but just not in the way we had been in the past. He still wanted to be my friend but I was the one keeping him away. I said I would not take a demotion from him, that I was his best friend, his soul mate, his lover, why would I take less. He said that I was an all or nothing kind of person and I said yes. He said he was sorry, he just could not fill that role anymore. I said some other things about how he just gave up and it was not fair. That I would never have respect for his OW because of her lack of morals and he lost my respect as well by having an A. Blah, blah, blah...you know the drill.
Anyway, by the time I left I was crying my eyes out and feeling comletely abandond. He set me an email sying that he was really sorry that he did not mean to ruin my evening, that he really did want me to have fun he was just upset over the double standard that I had placed by asking him not to do what I was getting ready to do.
Half way through the evening I called him up and admitted that I was not really on a date, that it was in fact our friend from out of town taking me out. That I would never bring someone over to the house because it would be horrible if our S saw this person. The only way S would ever meet someone is if they were someone that I felt I was going to marry. He did not understand why I lied but said he just wanted to be on the same page as me as far as dating edicate. He said he wanted to believe it was really our friend but really did not trust that either. He then started to drill me about why I had so many wine glasses used and who was drinking the beer at the house. I told him the truth, some neighbors came over for wine and our friend had some of the beers.
When we got back he was waiting to see if it really was who I said it was. It was ackward because my friend did not want to talk to him. He shook STBXH hand then went to the guess bedroom right away. I told STBXH that friend did not want to be around him anymore and then left the room. STBX packed his stuff, showed me something about S school then left.
I hurt inside so bad because I so want to read something into his actions. I WANT to believe he picked a fight because he really does not want to let go. I WANT to believe that he keeps saying that he wants to be my close friend because he cant stand the thought of losing me. I WANT to believe that he way drilling me about the wine glasses because he needs to hear that it was not someone else here. The reality is it does not matter. He keeps telling me over and over that any feelings for me are dead. I am so scared right now. I am so alone right now. I just dont want that to be true but I need to find a way to just accept that. I was doing great until yesterday. I had let go...mostly. Now I am falling and wanting him to catch me. This is so unfair! But that is just the way life is and I have to find a way to deal with it.
Here is my delima and I know it is coming from a very weak place right now. Do I take him up on his offer to become his friend in hopes of winning his love back or to I just cut him off completely so that I can move on with my life and hopefully heal from the pain I am in? I am sorry that I am not being very strong right now, things have just been extremely tough lately. I think most of it is coming from fear of what next weeks results will be, but still I just wish I had someone to help hold me up at times.
SOmeone, please, please give me some help and advice. I feel like I drowning at the moment.
Hi my friend,
I do not know what to say. I wish I could help you. All I know is that H is confused right now. I know that you are scared. Please stay strong.
Can you show Empathy for H? Do not fight with him anymore. Validate him. Be his best friend. You need to STRETCH and give him what HE needs the most right now. Do not expect him to give you what you need. No intentions and no expectations. TRUE GIVING is real love. TRUE GIVING does not expect anything in return.
*hugs and prayers*
Ready, could you offer a friend in need some advice and come over to my thread for a moment?
Hi sweetie,
God is out there. He woke me up and had me come on line. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.
I wish I could offer more, but please take care of you and don't spend energy on the R right now. You have more important things to focus on right now.
*HUGS*
Please get some sleep tonight. Sleep is so important during stressful times.
*HUGS*
Hi BH
This is not at all an easy ride. Some days we feel like things are going well, and some days, the very same circumstances can make us feel like it is all unravelling. I've not been back to all your threads, but will nevertheless offer the following.
<Sigh> I was so strong, I saw my path, I knew what needed to happen to make it through the tunnel....and yet I waiver. I hate this. I really do. Trust me it is the fear of the last few days talking, but still I hate this.
Often, we are hardest on ourselves, and we need to find space to be kind to us. I remember the 'roller-coaster' ride, and looking back, a lot of it was my perception. H's path was a classic one - and like most people here say, 18-30 months is how long it takes for the 'wake-up'. But what happens after really is down to how both parties interacted during the hard times.
Could you cut yourself some slack, accept that you will have days when you should be awarded points for just drawing breadth? Be confident that the universe loves you, all of us here are rooting for you, and that STBXH has a big dark shroud that is making it difficult for him to think?
Slowly
Hi sweetie,
I read your last posts, and will check out more later on, but I wanted to respond to you as soon as possible.
When I had cancer my doctor did not tell me to eat well and exercise...he told me to reduce my stress, enjoy my life, connect with others.
Nurture your friendship with your STBX. Do your best to DB in that situation, but it's better not to be so alone and isolated. We were broken up when I found out and we survived it....even thrived after....our relationship is great now....and I took your same stand. But...I didn't have OW in the way. That makes things take longer. You don't need the stress.
I'm glad you have some outside friendships. But don't play your hand when you're DBing EVEN IF he puts the pressure on.
I'm adding you to my prayer today. Have a very beautiful day.
Trust yourself. BE KIND to yourself.
Here is my delima and I know it is coming from a very weak place right now. Do I take him up on his offer to become his friend in hopes of winning his love back or to I just cut him off completely so that I can move on with my life and hopefully heal from the pain I am in? I am sorry that I am not being very strong right now, things have just been extremely tough lately. I think most of it is coming from fear of what next weeks results will be, but still I just wish I had someone to help hold me up at times.
First of all big HUGS.
I am so sorry you are huring. That pain, that is just unexplainable sometimes, is just horrible. I am sorry for that.
I will add you also to my prayers, I hope that by this time you have gotten at least some rest, and feel a bit better.
I think that you are in charge here sweetie. If you can be his "friend" with zero expectations as of now, then go for it.
If you are not ready to be his friend right now b/c you need to heal some more, then by all means heal some.
You will still be cordial with him and considerate of course. It just means that you do not have to engage in conversations with him like you mentioned above. Those are so draining, and you have have other things to focus on. Like YOU.
I know it is easier said than done, believe me I know.
I also know that with the help of your God, your friends, and positive people in your life, you can make the decision to let Go, and Let God.
One day at a time, shoot, I used to do half hour at a time.
The pain of being abandoned, lied to and cheated on, is a heavy heavy load. It takes time Sugar, and you have an added spin with the becoming ill during it. It hits like a truck.
Be kind to yourself, pamper youself. You are worthy and in the words of my buddy Jules, you matter.
Hope you have a wonderful day.
You are being prayed for.
prayers headed your way
and
i thihnk lissie is right
if you can be friends with 0 expectations...that means you are ok with just being friends, youa re ok listening to his life story as just freinds, you are ok with nothing more
then
be his friend
if you are being his friend with the hopes of being something more later...then don't do it
there are too many stressees in life to try to add that one to it
ther are so many other things to focus on
and you don't want him back, truly, if he is back because he feels guilty
BH,
I'm so glad you said what you did to him. He isn't man enough to act on it. But you said your peace. You know you told him what marriage and life mean to you, and if he still turns his back on you, then he deserves however you choose to treat him. The only question to me is, "What is best for BH?" And for your son. In life there are some people who are givers and some who are takers. In a healthy relationship, when the giver needs help the taker changes roles for a little while. But it doesn't look like your husband either can or will do that. So you need to find your support elsewhere. Be as friendly with him as you choose to be, for you. But don't allow it to weaken you. This is your time to draw strength from other people. Reach out and find those you can count on.
Hi Brokenhearted,
Lissie was right on as usual with her advice. Only you know your heart, so giving someone a road map just doesn't work. What would be the best thing for you? You have so much going on right now with your health and I think that you need to consider that. If being his friend is going to give you the peace that's necessary then go for it. It's your call. Separation is hard enough, but your health has got to take priority!
Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and that I have asked for you to be put on a prayer chain at church.
Love,
Bethie
First, thank you one and all for such a wonderful show of support. You can not even know how much it means to me, so thank you!
Ready - Can you show Empathy for H? Do not fight with him anymore. Validate him. Be his best friend. You need to STRETCH and give him what HE needs the most right now. Do not expect him to give you what you need. No intentions and no expectations. TRUE GIVING is real love. TRUE GIVING does not expect anything in return.
Yes, I can show him empathy and kindness. I have continued to do this and do not plan on changing those actions. My problem is that I still have expectations. I still want him to come home. I reach out to him because I still do love him, and I dont expect anything in return- mostly. I think I keep doing it in the hopes that one day he will wake up and see that I am an incredible person and he cant believe he left me. That by being his friend I will get to add to his love bank and he will fall back in love with me. I recongize this and see that it is not healthy for me because I keep getting drawn in to him with just little actions from him. Even though I do not want to look for signs and am trying very hard not to, I still tend to look anyway.
sgctxok - Nurture your friendship with your STBX. Do your best to DB in that situation, but it's better not to be so alone and isolated.
Is it healthy for me to be doing this if I am doing it out of the hopes of getting my M back? It goes back to the conversation that I had with my brother. I keep looking at STBXH as in a MLC. I truly believe he is, but that keeps me thinking that he will make it through this crisis and want to come back to me. It keeps me attached and on a holding pattern. If being his friend does give me a chance to save my M, then I want to do it. I guess I am just scared at the moment. I am afraid that by staying attached (but not desperate or needy) that I will get my heart crushed once again. I can not take that. If I walk away and completely detach (which is what I was doing last week) I will lose him for sure because he tends to just let go of me at times like that. I get that I am doing this to myself. I just want to do what is right and am clouded by fear at the moment.
I'm glad you have some outside friendships. But don't play your hand when you're DBing EVEN IF he puts the pressure on.
Could you tell me further what you mean by this?
I am getting that everyone else here believes that I need to just let him go so that I no longer focus on that slim possibility of might be. I am wasting energy on it. Again, because of this fear right now, I truly feel that if I do that then it will definately be over. But, even if I "won" him back, would it be right for me? At what cost to myself would I have had to go through just to prove myself worthy? I think the answer is to work on letting him go in my heart, but still be friendly towards him. Do not tell him anything about my life yet listen when he wants to tell me about his. Do not read anything into his actions because unless he comes and tells me he wants to work on us, they dont mean anything. And always be kind. Easier said than done!!!
it sounds to me like you can't simply be his freind right now...which is OK by the way
hoping to show him how great youa re
or proving how much better he is with you
or praying that he will be more than friends with you again
is NOT no expectations
no expectations means just that
if you can not be this
then do not try right now
revisit the option later when you have let go more
it is not vital for you to be friends with him
sometimes they are people we would not ever want as friends
pray for him
that he finds his way to happiness
wherever that is
true happiness
and
be a friend to yourself
don't push yourself to be someone you are not
you do not need to martyr yourself in order to be his friend
perhaps the most loving thing is to not be his friend, to not enable his choices, to prove to yourself that you are more important than how he is treating you, to impart this lesson on to your child
perhaps the most loving thing to do, since you can not be his friend with no expectations is to not be his friend...not that I am saying be cruel to him
i am saying pray for him
and
keep your distance for you and for him and for your son
keep your emotional distance so he doesn't feel the pressure of always letting you down by not giving you want you want
so that you don't always feel let down and hurt that he can't see how amazing you are
so your son sees what an emotionally strong person looks like
The only question to me is, "What is best for BH?"
I agree wholeheartedly!
Dearest BH, whatever you choose to say or do now is FINE! Take care of yourself and let him deal with it.
And don't worry about the "date" thing.
Eventually he will be hit with realization how much you've being hurting and what courage it took to cover your pain and your fear and spare him the embarrassment over his heartless and cowardly conduct.
I don't know whether he is an MLCer but he definitely sounds like one.
I wish I could give you a real, warm (((hug))) now, not a virtual one.
Very sage advice fig.....I know it is true. That was the place I was at last week. If you read any of my earlier post you can see that I was there. Things have just gotten a little bit mixed up in my world and I slipped. And that's ok. Now I need to just pick me back up and redirect my focus. It is hard for any of us to do this but it is what must be done.
I have not cried in a very long time and it seems that that is all I have been doing since Friday. I also understand that the reality of it is that it really does not have anything to do with my STBXH. All of this confusion is coming from the fear of my cancer. Just like I understand that his OW has nothing to do with me.
I do not see anything that you have said as being cruel, just wise. You have been through this as well and know better than I how to protect your heart. I, once again, am going to find the strength to step back and let him go. Thank you for what you said.
I am getting that everyone else here believes that I need to just let him go so that I no longer focus on that slim possibility of might be. I am wasting energy on it. Again, because of this fear right now, I truly feel that if I do that then it will definately be over.
Ok I think it is a bit clearer to me now. Sigh, it take some time for me
I read the above, and then saw this.
Married - 1992
ILYNILWY - August 2007
Moved Out - March 2008
OW Revieled - May 28, 2008
Filed for D - July 2, 2008
This is all pretty darn new. I understand why it is so difficult hearing the Letting go and Letting God stuff.
You are not ready for it. I always think that by the time people get to Surviving they have been on the MLC board for 2 years and are done standing.
You are standing for your marriage still, and that is ok. I think all of us here stood for a long time, and when it was the RIGHT time for us to stop standing for our marriages, we came here.
You are not there yet, I think, and that is ok.
Standing is very personal, I know someone that is standing for over 7 years. Is it wrong, or unhealthy? It is not my place to say, I feel. Eveyone knows how much they can "stand"
I stood for my marriage at the same time as a few peeps. BND, Yellow Rose, Jack Three beans. They are all back with their spouses, and working on their M's. They all have one thing in common.
They did not lose themselves on the journey of standing. They stood (still stand) for themselves first and for most.
It is a long hard journey filedl with so many unexpected gifts.
This is all very new for you. You maybe want to look around the forums and see which forum fits best for you, just in case.
This one fits best for me NOW. I needed the MLC forum for the other phases of my journey.
You will know which is best for you.
HUGS
and this is why i love lissie
she says what i try to say only with more grace and hugs
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
Lissie, I know it seems new but my STBXH first started this rollercoaster ride about 2.5 years ago. Started to question the relationship back then and we then went to MC (which he did not participate in at all). He started his A with OW in Nov of 2007 and moved out for a couple of weeks at christmas. There was a false R and now all of this. Add to it my illness and emtions tend to move forward at a faster pace. I truly was done and ready to move on, that is until I found out that the cancer may have spread. Again, I truly believe that most of the emotions I am feeling are out of fear that I will die alone. I know in my heart that I wont because I truly have wonderful friends and family, still you dont think you are going to face something like this without your partner, your best friend, your soul mate. I obviously still have alot of learning to do in my time and the universe is making sure it smacks me hard so that I can wake up and learn it.
Thank you for your encouraging words as well. I see that it is ok to have just a sliver (and I mean the smallest of slivers) of hope yet I need to turn away from that right now and focus solely on me and my son. Nothing I do will control my STBXH, so stop worrying if my actions are going to pull him or push him. Worry about me.
Aww Sugar, well it is settled
You stay here with the lushes.
I mean they give good advice when they are sober, and not spinning on poles, and doing porn name games (I am not even gonna touch that one)
So in honor of your wonderful self worth, and being a great mom.
Drinks are in order (oh Btw, I am not one of the "lushes" I hate to keep pointing that out around here, but ,I have not met you before and you know. Rumors.
Anywhoo.
I will have a Hemingway Please.
Yu are going to be ok, these dips on the roller coaster make you face your fears a little more each day.
hey can i get that hemingway recipe again please
and
i got my serendipity cookbook today
frozen hot chocolate for sure!!!!
its the small things
Well, Lissie, I feel that I am in wonderful company and have been know to be a lush myself from time to time.
Yes, these dips suck but they are part of this terrific ride that we just cant seem to get off when we want to. I know that one day it will end and I will be better for having gone through it.
Everyone’s wonderful advise has helped me to get my head on a little straighter. Not quite where I want it to be, but getting closer.
Just want an opinion here. STBXH started hugging me a few weeks ago. When I found out he was still sleeping with OW I put a stop to it for a couple of reasons. First, and this is not a nice thing to admit but it is the truth, I wanted to punish him some and not let him have that connection to me. I felt that if he got to feel good by giving me hugs then he would not feel bad for his actions with OW. Second, I stopped them because at that time I so wanted them to mean something more. I knew that they were keeping me sucked in.
Every time my STBXH is around I can tell he wants to hug me. He keeps coming in like he is getting ready to then stops. There are 2 different theories here on the board about WAS. The first, keep any connection you can with them (without losing yourself or focusing too much on it) so that you can keep trying to build that connection. This is what my DB coach said to me as well.
The other theory is the cake eating theory. As long as you give them that connection they are getting some needs met by Ow and others needs by the LBS. Nothing will change and the rollercoaster ride will continue. I keep flipping between these 2 thoughts. When I stay connected, he makes moves to do more things for me and is around more. When I stop the cake eating he pulls away and we almost go to NC. Things get cold. My question to you all is:
If I can get to a place where I dont read anything into hugs, should I give them to him?
I just want to apologize here. I KNOW I am sounding like a newbie. God, I have been doing this stuff for too long and should know better. If I was responding to a newbie, I know exactly what my answer would be....be loving towards him, just do not love him. Give him only what you can while still being able to detach. Drop the rope, move on with your life. As long as there is OW, the is no chance to R. This is the time to focus only on you, stop looking at him.....see, I know the answers yet I search anyway. Just part of my stubborn nature I guess. It is always easier to see someone else's sitch instead of our own.
...I know exactly what my answer would be....be loving towards him, just do not love him. Give him only what you can while still being able to detach. Drop the rope, move on with your life. As long as there is OW, the is no chance to R. This is the time to focus only on you, stop looking at him.....see, I know the answers yet I search anyway. Just part of my stubborn nature I guess. It is always easier to see someone else's sitch instead of our own...
Good morning (or afternoon)....
YOU KNOW the answer. Do more of what works. Stop doing what doesn't work.
Just remember you are here. Enjoy what you have in your life right now. FOCUS on today. If your H initiates a hug, you have the choice to accept it and enjoy it if that is what YOU want.
*HUGS and prayers and a great big smile!*
Thank you Ready, I just needed to not feel so alone.
Glad to help. We need to get to a point where being alone is OK....
*HUGS*
fig, I am printing your post for me, too - it is what I need to hear when I get to those low points (and I do so hope that they get farther apart and in between!)
((((BH)))) I have SO been there, and although we married the same year, the rest of my time line is a full year ahead of yours. Do not be too hard on yourself; you are dealing with oh-so-much.
I will try to write more later....
I need to thank all of you for helping me through my really down period. I was having trouble coping with the weight of everything and had a temporary insanity moment. You all helped me get through it and I am doing really good now.
I decided that I cant be super mom all of the time, especially when I am having a really sick day. I knew that I was not capable of being the parent that I wanted to be so made the decision to ask STBXH to come over and take care of S. He jumped at the chance and even thanked me for asking. When he got here he wanted to take care of me but I told him I was ok. He talked with me then took S out to eat and to fencing lessons. After they got back he put S to bed then came and talked with me some more. Because of all of the advise and strength you all gave me I was able to just take his help at face value.
Its funny when I dont push the conversation how quickly he starts to open up to me about how is life just is still very empty right now. The only thing that seems to be going ok for him is his job, but he could get fired from that as well. Said he just wishes he could get his life more in order and he still has so much growing to do. Told me he still was not happy. Guess that goes to show you that we imagine them off partying and having a grand old time when in reality their life is prob empty and shallow. Of course he could just be saying that to spare me my feelings so that I dont know that he is having a grand old time, but I chose not to have negative thoughts.
Anyway, I opened up to him about some of the fears I have been having, but did not look to him to support me or be there for me. He kept saying that he wanted to be there for me whenever he could. He kept thanking me over and over again for giving him this opportunity to help out. I was open, kind and compassionate but not looking to him to be my partner. Do you know how hard that is to do, especially when he was acting like he did when he was my partner? Still, I have to think of this as him using this opportunity to build his own ego and it has nothing really to do with wanting to be with me. As confusing as this is, I am still just trying to let him go. I hate it, I really do but my heart is too fragile to be broken again.
He said that he wanted to give me a hug and made it a deep long one. Thank god I got to a stronger place because I would have been thinking all of this meant something. I can not allow myself to fall down that path right now. Instead I just took it as very nice that he could help out when I needed it. So, I was able to pick myself up and just appreciate the moment. Started off an emotional wreck and with all of your help ended on a PMA.
I opened up to him about some of the fears I have been having, but did not look to him to support me or be there for me. He kept saying that he wanted to be there for me whenever he could
Hear that from H.
Still, I have to think of this as him using this opportunity to build his own ego and it has nothing really to do with wanting to be with me.
Bottom line (and I think with my H too), they care. In whatever way they are able to. He doesn't want you suffering and wants to keep you close. Now, if its just to feed their ego a bit too, so be it. Its still easier to remain at peace with them if they help.
Instead I just took it as very nice that he could help out when I needed it. So, I was able to pick myself up and just appreciate the moment
This has been easier for me too lately.
Feel better and keep that PMA, young lady!
Hi, Ready sent me your way. Seems we have a few things in common. I had a cancer scare last November. I haven't read your whole sitch, but wanted to tell you that I think you handled today just great. Good PMA.
take care
BH, you sound very strong and great PMA! I'm so happy for you. I think that's right about the hugging-whatever you want to do that will make you feel good. If it bugs you don't; if you want to, do. I wouldn't worry about your H or any of that. Let go and drop that rope. It doesn't mean you can't pick it up later if you want, but it feels kind of good to drop the rope. ((((BH)))) Karen p.s. Haven't been dropping my pants lately although always keeping my options open. I am wearing a little bit tight/short clothes just for fun though!!! (Hey, it's hot in FL)
You know anyone reading this right now prob. thinks something funny about me!!!
(((( BH ))))
Just reading and amazed at these wonderful responses. Its nice to have these people isnt it?
Your a strong, amazing woman BH and I just want to throw my support and lots and lots of hugs!!
p.s. Haven't been dropping my pants lately although always keeping my options open. I am wearing a little bit tight/short clothes just for fun though!!! (Hey, it's hot in FL)
You know anyone reading this right now prob. thinks something funny about me!!!
Karen,
We can claim to be poor Motherless women who just don't know any better.
Hi BH,
WOW, you did a great job with both making your husband feel needed and yet not crowding or pursuing him. Now take this from where it comes, but to me it sounds as if he likes feeling needed. Maybe you need to not take so much on yourself. When you need a hand I think you should call him and keep letting him know that he's aprreciated.
I hope your doing well today!
Love,
Bethie
lwb - thank you for letting me know that you feel the same as me at times. It helps to see that I am not alone in this.
SC - I appreciate you stopping by. Sorry to see that you are still having such a hard time in your M. From what I have read, it does seem your H is very committed. You are doing great by working on YOU right now. Stay strong.
Karen - well, your H doesnt deserve to see you pantless anymore.;) Good for you for wearing tight pants. I have found that by changing my wardrobe I have been able to change my attitude. It has done wonders with having PMA days. Also helps when H makes comments on how great I look - yes I do and you dont get to have me right now (if I could stick my tongue out right here I would, hehe). I pop over to your party every so often. I can tell your X is still pulling shinangans with you, but you have always been a person of grace and are handling wonderfuly. Thanks for stopping by.
Ready - you know I always enjoy hugs. Especially when they come from someone who is such a loving father. I am going out to pick up the Hendrix book today and see what else I can learn.
KM - I feel so blessed in my life that so many strangers would stop what they are doing just to check in on me. This is such a loving community and I am honored that I have been able to be a part of it. Thank you for your support as well.
Beth - Thanks for your advice. I have been going back and forth on that one for awhile. I am very affraid to lean on him. I am affraid that if I do, then I am going to start to need him. If I need him then I cant let go. But what if me needing him helps fill his love bank? He keeps saying how strong I am, that he always knew that I could handle things because I am strong. Maybe it was my strength that helped drive him away. But yet, he left when I was at my most broken. When I was needy and desperate, all my strength was drained. This is just one I cant figure out on my own.
So, instead of trying to analyze it, I try to stay strong for me and ask him for help in areas where I know I will not become dependant on him. I hope this strikes a healthy balance, one where I still continue to detach but can let him in at times to help him feel appreciated. Maybe that is the key: when I was so strong he was not being admired by me. When I became so broken, he still was not admired by me. Strong, I did not need him. Weak, and I only complained about what he was not doing. Hmm....things to think about for my future R with whomever I end up with.
Journaling:
I have to admit that my STBXH can make it very hard for me to detach. Last night was VERY difficult to not read anything into, especially the big hug. It is what it is, I know, but my heart strings still get pulled. Even today he sent me two emails wanting to check up on me. The first one I responded back, but I am not going to respond back to the second. I will be seeing him again tonight because it is his night with our S. I am feeling pretty good though so think I will take myself out on a date. I think I will go to diner and a movie. I'll try not to be too easy in the end, just so that I can respect myself in the morning.
But here is where the not being detached enough comes in. H has already said that I can stay around the house if I want to. Do I take him up on that so that there is more time spent together and it might help him connect or do I go out, continue with my GAL and let him wonder who I am with and what I am doing. See...I need to just not care what he thinks and just do things for me. Just wanted to let it out before he came over. I feel better now.
Beth - Thanks for your advice. I have been going back and forth on that one for awhile. I am very affraid to lean on him. I am affraid that if I do, then I am going to start to need him. If I need him then I cant let go. But what if me needing him helps fill his love bank? He keeps saying how strong I am, that he always knew that I could handle things because I am strong. Maybe it was my strength that helped drive him away. But yet, he left when I was at my most broken. When I was needy and desperate, all my strength was drained. This is just one I cant figure out on my own.
Sweetie,
It almost sounds as if that he's giving you a clue to his love language. Sometimes we are so strong and self sufficient that they don't feel needed, and believe me there are lots of guys that have to feel needed to feel worth it!
Look, only you know how it was said and his inflection as he said it. Think about it. Do you think he only said that because he was making small talk or was he trying to really tell you how important this was to him? Think about it and then decide. I don't think it ever hurts to let someone do something for you that makes them feel good about themselves.
So, tonight was STBXH night with son. I took myself out on a date and had a really good time. Saw the movie "Burn after reading". Hmm....I was not prepared for all of the infidelity in it so had a bit of a hard time watching it, but it was dark and twisted - 2 things I generally like in movies. When I got home S was still up and my STBXH's brother was here as well.
My BIL and I talked for a few minutes while STBXH was putting son to bed. He told me that he really missed me and that I will always be part of the family. He was very open with me and very kind. I could tell that the fact my STBXH wanted to leave me was tearing him up - he wants to be loyal to his brother but still loves me as well. I told him if it was too ackward then I understood, but wanted him to know that I would always love him like my family.
When STBXH came down from S room we all sat around joking and talking for about an hour then I finally told them I had to get to bed. They both gave me a big hug and left. I got up to walk away from the kitchen table when I was struck by a big pain. STBXH had forgot something and walked in with me on the floor. He rushed over and wanted to take care of me. He told me that he really cared about me and truly wanted to be there for me. He stayed to talked for a little longer. He started to open up about his IC appointment today and asked if he could go to my next DR appointment. I told him he could. He hugged me again and then left.
I tell you, sometimes I just want to smack some sense back into him. I feels like he still loves me but is too broken to admit it. At one point he was talking about how great I look to his brother and then it segwayed into how he was kinda smelly because he had not showered in 3 days. Said he had no one to clean up for (WTF??? BIL knows about OW). Thought that was really strange. I just have to keep my distance and know that he is just trying to be my friend and nothing else. Sometimes that is harder than others, but I think that I am ok. I'm not reading ANYTHING into his actions today. Still staying as strong as possible.
I'm glad he came back in and was supportive of you, but I don't want you to overlook that pain. It knocked you off your feet? Should you really be living alone with your son? I hope that next Dr's appointment is tomorrow. What is going on? Does this happen often?
Sara, along with my cancer I have an overian tumor that also cause sever abdominal pain. We are treating it as well to see if it will shrink (so far so good) but at times eating causes me to suffer accessive amounts of pain - hence the new size 4. I ate a little more than I normally do on my date with me and payed the price. I generally know what I can take and cant take, but let the yummy food do the talking tonight. Most of the time I am perfectly capable of taking care of my S. Heck, he does not even know what is going on. I dont want to burden him further, as you know he already had enough on his plate. I go back to the Dr some time next week. They should be calling soon to schedule my meeting to go over the results. Thanks for checking in with me, I really appreciate it. Overall, I truly am doing good. Its funny, dealing with my STBXH and the emotions that it provokes is SOOOOO much harder than dealing with the cancer. Am I sick or what!
BH,
I am sorry for all your trouble. I didn't mean that you shouldn't be taking care of your son. I meant that maybe you should also be living with another adult. (Of course a reliable husband would be the obvious but impossible choice). But maybe one of your parents? How a man can walk out on his wife in this situation is beyond mind-boggling, it seems it should be illegal.
It should be illegal I agree with Sarah.
I hope you have many smiles this weekend.
Well, since it is not, I have to deal with my sitch to the best of my ability. Most days I can handle it just fine, others I tend to fall. I never let myself fall for more than a couple of days though, just cant see wasting so much time wallowing.
I have been feeling pretty good today. Keep looking back at the last few nights with STBXH and forcing myself not to read anything into any of his actions. He just wants to be my friend. As hard as it is, I need to just leave it at that. Funny how two weeks ago his presence annoyed me and I was indifferent towards him. Oh, this wonderful rollercoaster ride - just when you think you can get off another loop appears. But, I also understand that I am the one controlling this ride. Each day I am trying my best to detach and let go. Like everyone else here, some days are great others not so much.
Thanks for checking in on me. Oh, and Sara, I did not take it in a negative way at all. Unfortunately my parents live in AZ, and my brother is 2 hours away. All of my friends live here so I do have a wonderful support network, but (and please, no lectures here, this is MY choice) no one knows about my cancer with the exception of this board, one friend, my brother and STBXH. I am a very private person and do not enjoy talking about it. I also do not want the pity looks or the awkwardness that it can bring. I am doing really good and if I hear things turn for the worse, then I am going to share with everyone else.
My turn to give you a hug ((((Ready)))
So we are taking turns??? LOL *HUGS*
Ready, your the only adult male contact I have in my life right now. I am going to take anything I can get.
Ok, so I have been doing some thinking. Michelle says to do some 180's and monitor results. I have always been a strong person and tend to be stuborn as well. Especially when it has come to my illness. I know that my H needs to be appreciated and admired, and I have been trying to give him that. Now I think he has a need to be needed as well. That way he gets a since of accomplishment. I emailed him today and asked him if he would be willing to come over and help with the yard work this weekend. He responded back immediately "Absolutely!" He then wanted to know how I was feeling as well.
I am not trying to find too much hope, but I am looking for ways to try and fill is love bank back up with me. If it doesnt work, then I gave it my all. Not getting my hopes up though. Just trying to validate him as a person. I have to say, though, for someone who is so done with me I sure see him alot. Again, maybe someone needs to hit me with a 2x4 so that I dont fall. I really am trying not to read anything into this.
(((BH))))
Also Be Appreciative of things he already is doing!!! This will go along ways!!! No matter how small, as long as you notice.
Example:
Thanks for bring the paper (or mail) in...
Thanks for washing the car, filling up with gas, changing the oil, washing the windshield....
PLEASE DO NOT GO OVERBOARD. Also, you really need to appreciate what he does (Don't fake it).
your the only adult male contact I have in my life right now
OK---BIG 180. Start getting more MALE adult contact. You shouldn't have any problems since you FISH.....DO NOT GET IT ALL FROM A SMALL NUMBER OF MEN!!!WORK TOWARDS A little contact from lots of MEN....Go get a massage from a MALE. Go get your nails done by a MALE....
NO INTENTIONS/NO EXPECTATIONS is my motto....
Does it count if they are gay? Those I have lots of. Hope I'm not being stupid here, bit what does FISH mean?
Sorry BH, "The Wifey" Fishs.... OPPPS( I feel stupid now! I must be tired)
I would think gay guys would be fine. Maybe the more masculine ones...
Good night!
BH..sorry it took me so long to get over here...
I have read through your thread...very interesting...very touching...it made me cry...I know how you are feeling as I dealt with some medical issues alone and was so confused how H could be so cold to someone he had professed to love for over 25 yrs...
This is what I see...you have not been at this for a very long time...relatively speaking...I know to you it seems like an eternity...I think you do need to detach...take care of you first...then son...and let H do what he is going to do...I do think where son is involved you should seek H's help when you need it...be good parents together...
As for hugs...I know that delema well...I wanted them so badly but knew H gave them only for me...not for himself...they actually made him cringe but he did it anyway...my IC and my sister told me that if I just kept hugging him eventually he would start to feel okay withit...and in time he seemed to relax...so if you YOU want it...and he is at least willing...then take the hugs...
I always say there is always hope as long as no one remarries...even if a divorce occurs...in one sense my H wanted the D because it represented the end to what he saw as an ugly marriage...he wanted a new one although he didn't come out tell me this till much later...
For you...I think you really need to put the focus on your health...positive thoughts for you...being happy (although I think I would be very very careful with the alcohol as it can have some pretty negative effects both mentally and physically) maybe stick to red wine coolers...or take your time sipping a nice glass of red...it has the health benefits and in moderation is good for you...I know it feels good to get the buzz but your health and emotional state really need your focus...
I don't see that all is lost...but I am not going to give you false hope...I think as long as you stay safely detached...and uninvolved with anyone else you are in the best position for both your self and H...I know it feels good to flirt...but when you mix that with alcohol you really really need to be careful...you have a lot of healing whether H returns or not...you don't need to add another pain to yourself...
So keep doing what works for you...what makes you feel good...and find your own happiness with yourself...this might be the very key to H loving you again...I know for me it was...I never thought I would be on my own as long as I was...I almost took the bait with someone else when I became emotionally involved with them...I realized, thank God, that I was not truly over H and backed off...but it still hurt him and me...it wasn't too long after that that H started his return...it was the hardest time...the roller coaster got really wild then...and that is why I tell everyone while they are their own to work on themself...become who they want and who they are happy with...be settled with your life...because if the spouse comes home you will need even more of the patience, guts, mental stamina, and all the other lessons learned then ever before...
As for your little white lie...it is done...I would not recommend that one again although you got to see that there was something there...when my male friend called me late at night when H was there, H could have cared less...he didn't even indicate it would take him time to get used to me being with someone else...he really gave me the indication he did not care at all...so I see more for you then I had for myself...
Just remember...you first...son second...from there you do what you can...stop and smell the flowers, watch the ants on the sidewalk, feel the sunshine, listen to the wind and the birds singing...look up at the moon and the stars...this will feed your soul...and when that is good everything else will fall into place...
You are doing good...take care of you...and please let me know how things are going...I too have a tumor on my ovary but have not gone to see Dr. about it yet...it showed up during an MRI to check my spine after a vehicle accident...more to deal with but things are good so this won't get me down...my life is full of hope, love, and happiness...and that is the best medicine...
Lin
when my male friend called me late at night when H was there, H could have cared less...he didn't even indicate it would take him time to get used to me being with someone else...he really gave me the indication he did not care at all...so I see more for you then I had for myself...
My H would be thrilled if I started dating.
Gross. So not ready.
brokenhearted, neither are you, my friend.
Sigh. The unreturned, limp-noodle-arm hugs. Those were worse than no hugs at all. If he is returning them, and you want them, then do it.
Why is the karma bus smacking me so hard? So, my S9 had another horrible breakdown with me....dont want to live, life is too hard, I'm so sad ect,ect. I know this sounds terrible, but I was just too tired to deal with it anymore. I kept trying to help him for almost 2 hours and then finally gave up and called STBXH. He talked with S for about a good 20 min then wanted to talk to me. As we are talking a female coughs in the background. I immediately ask who was that? He said it was the wife of the guy he is living with. Of course that is bs, it was OW. Personally I think she did it so that I would know she was right there. ARRGG!! Anyway, I just let it go and kept telling him how S progressed into the meltdown. After I went back into S's room, he refused to go to sleep for me. Was being completely combative. Again, I gave up, just too tired. I called STBXH back and said "No judgement, just want to know, are you really at your house?" He said no. I said, "Good, then you are close by. Do you think you can come over and put S to bed because he wont do it for me?" He said he would be right there.
When he got here, I acted like it did not bother me that he was with OW. He saw how sick I was feeling and apologised for lying (gee, its only because he got caught that he feels bad). Said that he is going by my old model of anger and is afraid that mentioning her will just make me angry (wonder why it would do that!!!!). In the most compassionate, sincere voice I could manage (and it was very believable) I said, "STBXH, you chose your path and have to walk it. I now have mine. It is what it is. I have moved on from that." He told me that he wanted me to know that S would ALWAYS come first in his life and he would drop anything and everything for him (yeah, um right, then why arent you doing what is best for him and trying to work on the marriage. Dont you mean YOU come first and then S???) Then he said that he cared deeply for me and would always come over to help with me as well. I said that I would not ask much of him because I was not going to come between him and his relationships. Get this, he said that who ever he is with is just going to have to understand that he cares for me and that I am the mother of his son and there are going to be times he needs to do stuff for me. If they are not secure enough with him and his honesty (which we all know he has a steller record) then he is going to have to question that relationship.
Ok, so here is the really mean part of me creeping out. I know that I am ASSuming everything here, but it makes me feel better to do so. First I think it is very funny that she feels so insecure that she has to make it known to me that he is over there. Then, imagine how she must have felt to hear him lie about her. After all, I already know they are together so why lie? Then, she has to sit there and wait while he comes to MY house. Bet she's not such a happy camper at the moment. I really hope she starts to bad mouth me to him as well. That will go over quite well. Me, the sickly kind hearted left behind wife trying to raise the depressed left behind son, her the angry insecure B she is. Cant wait for that to blow up. And trust me, she is VERY insecure. Did I mention she started to hit on her best friends boyfriend before she got her claws into my H and now her best friend will no longer talk to her. Classy.
So, I've come to the conclusion STBXH really is just too screwed up anymore. Was pretty much on that page anyway but now I think I just need to go as dim as I can. I have to get him out of my life so that I can heal. When he comes and tries to be my friend it is only hurting me and making him feel good. How is that fair? I need to just focus on me and move on. I will not be mean or unkind, just not around. No more emails from me, no responces, no compliments no offers of a glass of wine. He walks in, I walk out. I walk in and say goodnight. End of story. I have got to let my heart heal. I was in a really strong place while living with my brother. I come back here and turn into a mess once again. Need to turn that back around.
I may not have that much time to wait for him to get his head out of his @ss. I did ask him if she knew I had cancer. He said yes. Again, what kind of woman would have an A with a man who left his wife of 20 years while she has cancer. The better question, though, is what kind of man would do that? Not someone I should be fighting for anymore. I am going dim for me, not to punish him. I am going dim so that I can finally detach because I have not been able to do that since I moved back.
I know I have come really far because when I found out he was with her, it did not hurt that much...just a quick stab of pain then a o'well, that's his choice. I think that is a good sign. I just want to keep progressing to a healing place. I no longer want the hurt.
(((Brokenhearted))),
I feel bad for everyone involved, except your husband. I want to hit him. Your poor son. But I am not convinced that this isn't just Sunday night schoolphobia talking. No child should dread Monday that much.
Sara, I know that alot of his fear is the insecurity of what Monday morning will bring. He gets so afraid that he is going to fail or be embarrassed at school. These moods always seem to be worse after he has been around his father alot. It is almost like he feels abandond all over again. Sad thing is that my STBXH does not see that it is his actions that have caused so much of the stress that S is facing. Up until this year S loved school and was a stellar student. His dad became angry and depressed, spent all of our money and then gets a GF. See, it is all worth it as long as H gets to be happy, right! The angry part of me wants to yell at him "You could have been happy here, dumb@ss, but you chose to walk away instead of work on ANYTHING!" For over 18 years we were blissful together, then BAM! I get the ILYNILWY. Was blown away. He even admits things were great between us then he just fell out of love all of a sudden. Messed up is what he is and does deserve a good beating.
He even told me at one point that he wished he was the one with cancer so that he could have something shake him up and make him appreciate life like I have learned to do. HOW SICK IS THAT??? Jelous of my sickness and even uses it to gain sympathy from his friends and family. How is that right...he is not even here to help with anything. I just have to let go and focus on me and I am learning the ONLY way I can do it is to go as NC as possible.
(((((Brokenhearted)))))))
I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. Sadly, you are right that the WAS never realizes the impact their "happiness" has on their family. As long as they find that "happiness" that they so deserve, everything will be okay.
Hugs, Yoyo
BH,
Your son is young and bright. If the school will not accomodate you, I would consider homeschooling him this year. He would do better spending his time with you.
Hey broken hearted..
I just finished reading this thread.
You know what I think?
How about an updated name! I can see why that name was appealing when you first came here.. but I don't see a flub-dub-blubbing-burbling-gurgling ragged torn up heart. I have a few suggestions.. mind you they're just zipping outta my head:
Size 4 (IV if you want to keep the guys confused) and more Heart
Little Body, BIG Heart
Big Heart (keeps your initials and maintains your options)
Karma is my Pal
No Harming Karma
Healthy Living
Beautiful Heart (my fav so far)
Busty and Hellacious (gotta keep the men reading... I swear, they know when a post contains the word 'boobs'!)
Blessed Heart..
Do you think a more positive name would make you feel better? Or at least the thought of it?
You're beautiful.
*hugs*
ImLin, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I really appreciated them. I dont remember, did your H have an OW during his MLC? What do you think was the turning point for him that made him want to come back?
Yes, he did have OW...although they never lived together...she was in another state and had 4 kids so she couldn't move...he visited her when he could but after about a year or so I think she got tired of waiting and found someone else...
I really worked on myself...for me, not him...he made the decision to move back to our town so he could be closer to our son...this created opportunities for us to go out and talk...I made sure I maintained my changes...became a good listener and a fun date...he was very stand offish...several months after he was back in town I asked him if he ever thought about "us" and he said he did...that he realized I had made changes and realized that he really needed to be with his family...but he still felt so broken...once when he was very drunk...actually the night he came home with me and pretty much began the process of coming home...he broke down and cried like I had never seen...he said he had always loved me (he didn't remember any of this the next morning)and he could never forgive himself for what he had done...and he could never expect me to forgive him...he went into a lot of painful things that night and I finally saw the root of his crisis...I encouraged him to come home...no pressure...no expectations...I also encouraged him to get help for his depression...he fought that for a time until I called 911 when he got drunk, really drunk (twice I did this)...the doctors and nurses talked to him and helped him see that he was not doing himself any good...he would always tell me he loved me if he was drunk...but never sober...in my heart I knew that drunk man still had love for me but it was buried under the severe depression...treatment for his depression was the turning point!
Take care...and any word on your diagnosis
Sara and Yoyo, thank you both for being there and your encouraging words. It has been so helpful. My S is doing much better today, Sunday nights tend to be the worst.
Gypsy, I LOVE your suggestions on the name change. Someone else had suggested that to me not to long ago I think I will do it. Not today, but give me until after my doc appointment. I might be a bumbling mess for a few days after that. We will see.
ImLin, You are such a positive influence here on this board. You are a shining light when all seems dark and lost. Please, never give up your positive outlook. So many people here need hope just to get through the pain and get to a stronger place. Thank you for being you.
Last night I did some soul searching after STBX left. I have been floppy between anger and dispair for the last week. Last night I had had enough of it. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, I made the decision not to be. Yep, that's right, decided I am not going to be angry or sad anymore. What does it get me? Nothing but pain. I dont want that, I want to live. So, here is what I did.
First, I played a really happy song. Something I KNEW would make me bob my head and put a smile in my heart. It took awhile, trust me, but I finally got to that happier place. Then, I went and got a piece of paper. On it I wrote down in great detail everything that I am thankful for. Trust me, once I got on a roll I just kept adding and adding more. Even added things that I wished I had more of, because I am still grateful for what I do have. My god, my life could be so much worse than it is. Yeah, we are all going through a dark time, but it is only so that we can appreciate the light we do have in our lives. This transition is about US, not our WAS. I have let go of STBXH, I had to. I have put out to the universe what I want in my life so have to trust that one day it will come. Now it is my time to work on me so that I am in a healthy place to accept it when it comes. Even if STBXH walked in the door tomorrow declaring his love, I honestly would not be in a place to accept it, I am still not quite strong enough. These last couple of weeks have shown me that. This is MY journey and I refuse to look at his anymore. I know in my heart that this is where I am suppose to be in my life and I will not let this opportunity be wasted.
I took a long hard look at my life. I have a beautiful child who adores me and who is physically healthy. He has friends, is involved in our community and still can have a smile on his faces. I have many friends who care deeply for me. My best friend has been a pillar of support for me and will continue to do so. I am learning to care very deeply for myself as well as feel lucky with my life. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a car to drive and clothes on my back. Do you know how many people in this world do NOT have a quarter of that? I am richer than 90% of the world, and I am not talking financially. How can I not feel blessed?
Our WAS left us. Ok, yeah it hurts, but there is nothing we can do to change that sitch. We can only work on our own lives and make the best of it. I personally no longer want to feel sad and horrible. I deserve happiness so have decided to give it to myself. Its funny, after I made my gratitude list, I actually started to cry because I could not believe how lucky I am. Yes, there are obsticles in my path but that should not keep me from walking it. When we learn to let go of the negative emotions, it does not let our WAS off the hook, it lets US off the hook. We no longer have to carry around all that ugliness inside us. They are going to feel the way they are going to feel, regaurdless of if we are angry/sad/happy/content. This journey is about me, and only me.
I also want you all to know that I could not have come this far if it wasnt for you picking me back up time and time again. It has been the process of knowing that I CAN get through each fall that has taught me how to have strength. I truly love you all and feel blessed for the love you have given to me, a complete stranger who is hurting at times. What does that say about the state of the world? I think a whole lot....that it is a pretty wonderful place!
I have told this story before but in light of what you are talking about it bears repeating...
I was training to be a bus driver when H left me...it through me for a loop...in class one day they were saying how they needed special needs bus drivers the most...I sat there and thought to myself "there is no way, I can't do that, it would make me sad, I couldn't handle it, etc."
Well, things did get worse before they got better...I was taking my behind the wheel bus driving test (which is given by the CHP) and was nervous...knowing I needed this job desperately...well it was a rainy day...I had never driven a bus in the rain...and the worst thing that could possibly happen did...during the test he took me down a strange road...then he had me stop and back up around a corner...a 45 foot bus is not easy back up and turn object...well I couldn't see very well out of my mirrors due to the rain...everyone told me once we started the test that I could not get out of my seat...I didn't look real good when we came in to see what was down the street he had me backing into but everything was one color and I thought I knew where I was in the road...then BAM!!!...I didn't know what I had hit...but I hit something...automatic failure...I drove back to the bus yard...and then broke down in tears...I had wrecked the bus by backing into a block pillar that was the same color as the ground!...The bus was my boss's bus to boot...how embarassing...then the CHP officer told me he had never had anyone get in a wreck during testing...GREAT!
Well I was sunk...just knew I was not getting the job...that was confirmed a few days later...but there was still the option of being a bus aid...but that meant special needs for sure...I sucked it up and a few weeks later called and asked if I could at least have that job...the boss said yes...at least I had a job...I could always keep looking but I now I could take care of my kids and myself...
I soon began to look at special kids differently...realizing how blessed I was but noticing that their parents came out day after a day with a smile on their face...happy for the day...their children would also be happy...sometimes it wasn't obvious but after you got to know each child you could tell...it made me realize how blessed I was...how much I had in my life to be thankful for...if these families can be happy so can I
Eventually I asked for another chance to be a bus driver...suprisingly I got it...and I passed my test...you know what I chose?...Yep, I chose special needs routes...I love it... I enjoy the kids...and get to know them...and always keep in mind that I am so fortunate to know these special people in way that many outside of the family never will...
Sometimes it takes tragedy to make us realize we have it good...when I returned to become a driver I proudly walked into my boss's office and announced "I am back for the crash course!...Just kidding" He got the biggest laugh and said that more people needed my sense of humor and that he admired me for sticking in there instead of running away and never coming back!
Just my humble story of how I learned to appreciate my life...no matter how bad things seemed...they were still better then a lot of others!
Lin
May I say in the most polished timber and perfect pitch..
YEEE HAWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Lin, sorry to hijack, but what a wonderful wonderful story. My D4 wants to arrive at school early everyday so she can hold the door for the kids in wheelchairs, and everyday the aide thanks her. Its heartwarming.
Soooo glad you found such a wonderful niche, you aren't the lucky one, the kids you touch are the lucky ones.
For your viewing pleasure...
Gods Will/Martina McBride
Lin, as always you have shown your true beauty and determination with your story. Thank you for sharing such a caring piece of your soul with me. I agree with lwb, the children are the real winners for having you in their lives (and us LBS here as well).
lwb, thank you for sharing such a touching video. It was very sweet and brought tears to my eyes.
These last 2 days have been wonderful for me. First I had a dear friend come over yesterday and we spent the day laughing and truly just enjoying each other's company. Then I picked up my S from school and he had had a great day and was beaming all the way home. My next door neighbor's H was at a baseball game so we went over and had ourselves a little last minute party. The kids were running wild, we were drinking a glass of red red and then it hit me - I felt completely at peace and joy. I was smiling all night. She even made dinner for everyone. How wonderful is that!
This morning my son walked to school without a single anxiety attack. He actually laughed and smiled on our journey there. I was able to enjoy a nice walk through Forrest Park (a huge park in St. Louis) and even came across a turtle. It made me smile really big. Any time thoughts of my STBXH enter my head I stop them and replace them with positive thoughts about myself and my life. This seems to be helping. He called 3 times yesterday while I was at my neighbors but did not leave a message and once again today. I know I am not strong enough yet to talk to him so will not be calling him back. I did email him a follow up on how our S was doing but left it at that. He has emailed me 2x's now wanting to know how I am feeling. Again, I am not withholding this information to hurt him or out of spite. I am cutting off all contact when it concerns me and my health so that I dont start to try and lean on him for support. I have to be there for me and this is the best way I know how. When I get back from the doc's tomorrow I will email him the results of the last test but I will not discuss anything else with him. This is my journey and I need to do a better job of just focusing on my own path.
I am also trying to stop talking about my STBXH. I feel that it keeps me stuck when I keep rehashing my hurt over and over. It is what it is and I can not change him in anyway. I can just change my focus. It has been really hard to not talk about him and I have backslid a couple of times, but I know in time that too will get easier. It is part of my detox program - no contact except about S, no talking about him and stopping thoughts about him when they come up. I will let you know how that works out for me. Hopefully my withdrawl isnt so bad. I feel I have been preparing for this moment all summer long, and now is the true test. I will fall and that is ok, because I will also get right back up. Thank you all for checking on me.
AHHHHH BH,
I didn't know you were in STL. I'm just over the other side of the tracks (the good side!).
Glad to hear that you son did better today. Kids, man it's always something huh?
Hope you're feeling well. Sounds as if you enjoyed your day. Good for you!
Love,
Bethie
We were just at the Balloon Glow at Forest Park on Friday night!
I felt completely at peace and joy. I was smiling all night.
And that's exactly how I felt there, with friends, neighbors, and my sweet babies.
Miss Brokenhearted, I believe you and I share the same mindset at the moment. Finally detached, finally feeling better about ourselves, sometimes knocked down by reality, but pop back much easier these days, loving our husbands, but accepting reality for what it is. Sound familiar?
When is your D final?
...When I get back from the doc's tomorrow I will email him the results of the last test but I will not discuss anything else with him...
My thoughts are with you BH. I will keep praying for positive news.....
*Hugs and prayers*
lwb, yes, I believe you and I have finaly reach acceptance with our sitch and are just trying to come to peace with it now. My D will not be until next year. H and I are suppose to be going to mediation but he canceled our meeting until he could find out if I was terminaly or not. Although I suspect other reasons as well....he has brought up the lack of funds issue a few times. We will be putting our house back on the market in the spring and then taking our docs from mediation and filing them with the judge after the house sells. So, I am thinking things will be final by May/June of next year. I am to a point, though, whereit is now just a piece of paper. There no longer is a M, he made sure to utterly tear that appart. Moving on.......
Thanks for your thoughts Ready. I will post the results tomorrow. Believe it or not I really dont like to talk about my health stuff too much. Makes me feel uncomfortable, but I really appreciate all of the support everyone here has given to me so feel the need to share. For some reason I am feeling very positive and fell like it is going to be good news. Might just be the power of positive thinking at work, we will see.
...I really dont like to talk about my health stuff too much. Makes me feel uncomfortable, but I really appreciate all of the support everyone here has given to me so feel the need to share...
I can see why it would make you uncomfortable. Some things are hard to talk about. Share what you feel comfortable with. We are here to support you.
*Hugs and prayers*
Ok, I just got back from the doc's. It was a short visit...so you know that means good news. The biospy results came back negative so the cancer has not spread. Plus, the original site has shrunk considerale so I am reacting very well to the treatment. He thinks that I should be done with treatment in Nov/Dec. Then every six months I will go in for a scan to make sure it does not reappear. I should be jumping for joy, but I am just numb. Dont know why. I emailed STBXH as well and he called me to say he was so happy to hear that. I thanked him told him I appreciate it. He said he was sorry for pestering me these last couple of days (all of the calling and emailing that I have not responded to) but he has been worried because I have been so sick. He wants me to know that he is there for me if I need him....I'm not even going to comment on that. I just said thanks, I'm doing good, have just been busy and now I am getting ready to leave again so bye.
Feeling sad today. Maybe because part of me feels like I should have my partner here to feel the relief with, but I dont so it makes me feel even lonelier. Make sense? I am going to just try and acknoledge the pain and then try and let it go. I dont want to carry it around with me. Need to listen to some happy music and find something to laugh at.
I am so glad to hear the good news!!!!!!
*HUS*
Sorry to hear this. we understand why.
Maybe because part of me feels like I should have my partner here to feel the relief with, but I dont so it makes me feel even lonelier. Make sense?
Makes perfect sense
I am going to just try and acknoledge the pain and then try and let it go. I dont want to carry it around with me.
Great thought process!
Need to listen to some happy music and find something to laugh at.
What a great GAL activity! Hope they help you! Please share with us the songs you find that are happy music and what made you laugh today....
*HUGS and smiles*
Glad for the good news, BH!!! Sorry you don't have an H to share that with; but things are only going to get better! I really believe all the people here in time will be much, much happier. ((((BH)))) I like to listen to music too to cheer me up, but I listen to AOL radio online and my fav station is the "Love Stinks" channel-songs of heartbreak and disgust--I like to listen to the songs of disgust variety, and it cheers me up for some twisted reason! Prob. wouldn't recommend that for everyone though or listen for too long!!!
Karen
Hi BH - What a huge relief on the biopsy results.
He wants me to know that he is there for me if I need him....I'm not even going to comment on that. I just said thanks, I'm doing good, have just been busy and now I am getting ready to leave again so bye.
Feeling sad today. Maybe because part of me feels like I should have my partner here to feel the relief with, but I dont so it makes me feel even lonelier. Make sense? I am going to just try and acknoledge the pain and then try and let it go. I dont want to carry it around with me. Need to listen to some happy music and find something to laugh at.
I found detachment to be an emotional state that takes time to make peace with. Often, our minds can come to a conclusion, and our hearts then take several cycles (days, weeks, months or years depending on the emotional investment) to catch up. I think this is one of the reasons WAS pull back after getting close to us - a bit of their head knowing it is the right thing, but their hearts needing a bit more time to catch up.
No question that you are more at peace with your life, but it is also natural that there will be sadness, especially around significant dates, and significant events, like confirmation that you will be disease free. I like your approach of acknowledging the sadness, and letting it move on by.
Here's to a better Thursday
Slowly
BH,
Great news BH! I am so happy for you. The rest will fall into place. You have faced despair and stared it down. The rest is easy.
So, STBXH walks in and I walk out. I get home and say hi and continue to walk to the other room. He walks over and wants to tell me something...something small that I dont even remember. I am poltie and short. He then says "Are you mad at me? You are like a rollercoaster with your moods."
I say "No, just trying to let you go and get you out of my life. I am just trying to detach from you so I can move on. When you act like my friend you keep me attached and that hurts. You are not my friend."
He said, "I have not been acting like your friend...." Um, yes you have. Anyway I just ended it by saying that I was letting go and moving on. The last thing he said was "Interesting theory. Well, bye then." and then walked out the door on his own. This is the email I sent to him. Part of me did not want to send it because it means closing the door, but that part of me is the broken co-dependant part. I have to close the door for me. I have to move on for me. I have to get used to the idea that I am going to be a divorce single woman and it is ok because it is not my fault. He did it to me, and he will do it to others.
So, what do you think about what I sent to him?
MY EMAIL:
No, I am not mad and harbor no anger towards you anymore....I am working on changing my focus from a life with you to a life without you. Sitting ALONE in the Dr's office wondering if I was to recieve a death sentence or not woke me up to the reality of so many things. First, I still care about you. This is not healthy for me. You chose to move on and I am trying to move on as well. I can not do that with you constantly in my life. So, I am letting you go, changing my focus and working at cultivating other relationships. I can not have you any where near me anymore. You have made a new life and so have I. There is no longer anything for us to talk about except our son. I am not trying to be mean or punish you. This really has nothing to do with you. I am trying to establish appropriate boundaries so that I can live in the most peacful way. If I thought that there was even the slightest chance that we might work things out then I would hold on, but you have made it very clear that this is not the path you ever want to try again. Therefore I am letting go. Me letting go means that I have to get to a point where I am indifferent towards you. I am not there yet, almost, but not quite. Until I am indeffernt I do not want you in my life anymore. Again, STBXH, this has NOTHING to do with hurt or anger, just me trying to find peace in my life. This is about me being able to give to those who want me instead of focusing on those who dont. You dont need to reply to this email because I believe I already know what you would say. There is nothing left to say. You have your path, I have mine. Like I have always said, I do wish you happiness. Maybe one day we can be friends, but I am not detached enough from "us" yet for it to happen right now.
Good luck with everything you do in your future.
Oh HB! That is fantastic news. Now, hurry up end of December, so you can be completely done!!!!!
About the email. I think it was good for you to explain yourself to H, and good for him to have time to process and read. My H has no clue what I am going through, and absolutely NO interest in learning. So I don't talk with him. He rolls his eyes if I say something like you did about moving on.
Your H definately seems more receptive, so I hope he hears your needs.
BH
This is such great news!! Please be happy
we are!
Your email, I agree w/ lwb,its good to get it out , its cleansing, your H does seem much more willing to listen/read and take in what you are saying. Not all our ex are, thats for sure.
Whatever makes YOU feel good , I say do it!
and again, so happy for you!
I would like an opinion on a matter from everyone here. I sent an email to my STBXH concerning my son and he will not reply back. I want to know if it came off as threatening or hostile sence that was NOT my intent. If it did, I will apologise to him, if not the I am going to go on with my happy life. Here it is:
Hope the day is finding you well. I just want to firm up the dates for S. First, what time are you going to be here on Sunday? What time are you planning on bringing him back?
Also, I have made arrangments to be out of the house Oct 10-13 so that you can have that weekend with S. This was the weekend we had originally discussed so hope it still works for you.
Are you still planning on walking S to school on his birthday?
Let me know when you get a chance. Also, there is something I need to bring up. It is not coming from a place of judgement or anger, it is just something that I do not feel comfortable with. S mentioned that when you were here on Sunday that you left him while you went to the grocery store. There were no neighbors around and he was completely by himself. He told me that this is not the first time you have done that, it happens alot. I know we have a very smart kid, but he is still very young (8). If an emergency happend he does not have the ability to reason out what he should do. For instance, if you got into a car wreck and never came back, what would he do? He does not know how to call me. He does not know to go and check with a neighbor or even to make himself lunch. I asked him what would he do and he said he would sit and play on the computer until I finally showed up. I asked him what he would do if a stranger came to the door. He said he would look to see who it was then if he did not know them he would walk away. I asked "would you lock the door first?" He did not even think to do that. He is too young for that responsibility. Not to mention that is also against the law. Children are not to be left alone until the age of 11. I am not throwing that out there as a threat, I just wanted you to know that if S mentioned it to a teacher or his counselor there could be problems. They would be required to report it to CPS. I just dont want to see anything happen over a stupid mistake. All I am asking is that you do not leave him alone any longer. Thanks for understanding.
One last thing. I truly hope that you can see that the email I sent to you last night was not one from anger. It is a request so that I can completely heal my heart and move on with my life. I do wish you the best.
Thoughts????
Hey Sweetest Heart!
First things first.. congratulations on the positive news on the negative results. You're in my heart and prayers.
Second thing.. Your email expresses how you feel, but you're apologizing to him. As far as I can tell, men numb out if it's not simple declarative sentences.
I still will try and reassure him and I wonder why afterwards? His agenda is all about his new life and companion, it has NOTHING to do with me aside from making sure he has minimal financial stress. My reassurances or apologies keep me susceptible to working like a team in our former union (which he isn't doing) and subservient in a way.
You've got testicles too! Just spell it out simply.
"Don't leave our son alone in the house. It's not safe for him and against state law."
Write to him like Ready says... With no expectations or intention. There's no need to apologize for anger or judgment on your part. There's almost no need to tell him you're moving on. What is the message? You need your own space as you make a life for yourself. What if it upsets him? It's his issue, not yours.
As long as you or I continue to live our lives through our spouses perspective, we're stuck. It's not about them, it's about us. I work on not letting my mind wander to if he's getting remarried right after the divorce, how I'll manage without the security of a relationship.
But guess what?
The more you try, the more you create your own life. You'll find yourself doing things you never would have tried, like me and choir and finding that I have a wonderful singing voice.
Co-dependency builds an isolated world, something I've done. But those baby steps out help so much.
You go, Ms. Heart... you've got the strength, beauty and heart to make it all possible!
*hugs*
Hi BH,
As a MAN, I would like to see each decision topic in its own email thread and to the point.
...I would like an opinion on a matter from everyone here.
I hope EVERYONE RESPONDS (all or nothing statement, just be aware...)
...I sent an email to my STBXH concerning my son and he will not reply back
I always make decisions. I end it with "If I do not hear back from you then XYZ". I will elaborate below.
...I want to know if it came off as threatening or hostile since that was NOT my intent
I read it as threatening. Then again, You are concerned about the safety of your child. If the child is in direct danger, you need to step into his parenting. If there is not a direct threat of danger, let him be the parent. A 8 year old child at home alone is in direct threat of danger. Address this issue.
.... If it did, I will apologize to him
WHY?? His problem. You did not intend to threaten, so don't worry about it. (unless he complains, then you can worry about it then. REPLAY WITH GYPSYS WORDS ABOVE)
...if not the I am going to go on with my happy life..
Go on baby!!! Focus on things that make YOU happy....
...Hope the day is finding you well. I just want to firm up the dates for S.
Perfect!
...First, what time are you going to be here on Sunday? What time are you planning on bringing him back?
I would be more assertive. "You expressed a desire to spend time with S8 on Sunday. I need to know when to expect him gone. 9 to 5 work for me. Does this work for you? If I don't hear back from you by Tuesday, I will assume you DO NOT want to spend time with him and I will play with him.
...Also, I have made arrangements to be out of the house Oct 10-13 so that you can have that weekend with S. This was the weekend we had originally discussed so hope it still works for you.
I also put this into separate email so each decision is in its own email thread. More assertive here also "As we discussed, You will be responsible for S8 on the weekend of Oct 10-13. I will be leaving town at 9:00AM and not returning until 9:00 PM, so I need confirmation that these two exchange times work for you. If I don't get a response, I will make other arrangements for S8."
...Are you still planning on walking S to school on his birthday
"I think it is important for S8 to spend time with you. You stated interest in walking him to school on his birthday. I would also like to walk him to school on his birthday. If this is something you would prefer to do alone, I understand. Let me know if you NO NOT want me to walk to school with S8, otherwise I plan on walking him to school"
...Let me know when you get a chance...
NO MORE OF THESE Statements. ALWAYS MAKE A DECISION and put a deadline.
...Also, there is something I need to bring up. It is not coming from a place of judgement or anger, it is just something that I do not feel comfortable with. S mentioned that when you were here on Sunday that you left him while you went to the grocery store. There were no neighbors around and he was completely by himself. He told me that this is not the first time you have done that, it happens alot. I know we have a very smart kid, but he is still very young (8). If an emergency happend he does not have the ability to reason out what he should do. For instance, if you got into a car wreck and never came back, what would he do? He does not know how to call me. He does not know to go and check with a neighbor or even to make himself lunch. I asked him what would he do and he said he would sit and play on the computer until I finally showed up. I asked him what he would do if a stranger came to the door. He said he would look to see who it was then if he did not know them he would walk away. I asked "would you lock the door first?" He did not even think to do that. He is too young for that responsibility. Not to mention that is also against the law. Children are not to be left alone until the age of 11. I am not throwing that out there as a threat, I just wanted you to know that if S mentioned it to a teacher or his counselor there could be problems. They would be required to report it to CPS. I just dont want to see anything happen over a stupid mistake. All I am asking is that you do not leave him alone any longer.
This was addressed by Gypsy. She gave you very good advise.
...Thanks for understanding.
I end many emails with this. I think there are other similar statements that are also good.
...One last thing. I truly hope that you can see that the email I sent to you last night was not one from anger. It is a request so that I can completely heal my heart and move on with my life. I do wish you the best.
Again, try and keep each topic in its own email thread. Do not convolute the emails.
I hope this helps.
*HUGS*
I would let my actions speak louder then words...in other words...I would show him that I am detaching...if he asked I would just say, "Since you are gone I am leading my own life. I need to find my OWN happiness, my OWN peace, and my OWN life...much like you are doing...for now my focus is on me and S...where it concerns S I will keep you informed, otherwise we both lead our own life."
As for leaving S alone...there were times that I had to leave S alone when he was 9, I taught him how to make phone calls to neighbors and relatives close by and asked him "what if" questions a lot...
I would have told H that S was concerned about being left alone and maybe until he was older and more sure of himself he shouldn't do that...not to mention the legal issues if S mentioned his concerns to someone else...like a school official...so for now it would be best to take him with you or see if a neighbor or friend could watch him for the little bit your out....
Just my opinion...
OH... and my H liked things bulleted...he hated long emails that were wordy, emotional, or repetitive...so I learned to do very short, bulleted, to the point emails for him...and it was much better received.