Piecing cranks up a BIG notch...

[euanjames]

Went to a new counsellor tonight and she told my WAW that she would have to end the affair if she wanted to work on things with me. WAW broke down and said she needed to think about this. Then she admitted how much she had hurt me, betrayed me and knew I had lost trust in her - stuff I've NEVER heard from her before. When the counsellor left the room she said to me 'I never realised it was an affair' (this because she started PHYSICAL affair after we separated - go figure). Thought she was going to bail from session at any minute but stayed till the end and wants to go next week. When we got home I asked if she was OK with everything and she said yes - but it would take some time to break with OM -she wants me to print out some info on affairs for her to read. Then she says how nice it is at our home (she has moved out), says she knows how tough this has been on me and says that sometimes you have to break things to mend them agsin. We finished with BIG hug and kiss.

So....still taking things cautiously but feel like have taken a BIG baby step. Not getting over excited (hard as is)and will keep 'Acting As If' - because this has performed MIRACLES for me.

Hang in there everyone and keep DBing. Cheers Evan

[Livnlearn]

Good news there! I think my H was the same, kept insisting his deep "friendship" with OW no.1 was innocnet as he presumably hadn't gone physical till after he dropped the bomb...

Keep up the good work!

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

Hi again Euan

I notice you have been posting all over the place and keep starting a new thread each time you post. You might want to consider staying on one thread so folk can follow your situation better! Also, can you give us a round up of events that lead to the present situation?

Thanks

Livnlearn

[euanjames]

No worries livenlearn. Thanks for your kind words - I appreciate them. Will give you a rundown ASAP. Thanks again for your interest. Hope I can be of help. Cheers Euan.

[marc_d]

First of all, congratulations on gettting you wife to question her choices!! Thats such a huge step! Keep up all the principles you have been applying and try to learn new ones. And when you do get her back, keep learning so you can keep things new and exciting!

I do have a question for you. I noticed in one of your threads you mentioned how you confonted the OM, and ur wife got really mad but then forgave you. Can you give me more details on this subject if you dont mind? I had a similiar situation last week and id like to compare if you dont mind. thanks, and keep up the good work! best of luck to you!

[renew4me]

Congratulations Evan!!!

I've pretty much kept my mouth zipped when my W talks about the OM, I let her do all the talking about him. Just like your sitch, it is technically an affair, something I accept--and don't love her any less for--but I have no idea how she is handling in her own mind. I know that should she decide to recommit to our marriage, it will be something we will have to face, but I will trust her to handle it well.

It sounds like your W is really coming around to you. I am very happy for you. Remember to keep up your great work, it sounds like she REALLY appreciates it, and she will need your support throughout this.

BTW, I would second Livnlearn's motion to stick with one thread, it will help all of us keep up with your developments.

[dazedboy]

I'm LOVING all these success stories. Way to go!!

[KAW]

So glad to hear about the positive shift your W seems to be taking ... and Welcome to "Piecing". Its OK to get excited a little ... just don't build any expectations on top of your excitment. Continue to do what has been working for you and to let your W set the pace in working thru it all. Give her the printouts she ask for and then wait for her to bring it up again. The infidelity chapter in Michelle's DR would be a good section to copy. Michelle seemed to write it as much for the WAS as for the LBS, altho I would hold off on presenting the rest of the book until a later time.

'til later,
KAW

[euanjames]

Thanks dazedboy, marc_d, livnlearn, renew4me & KAW - legends all of you!!

To answer your quesi Renew4me - our first counsellor suggested I confront the OM - this guy WAS a mutual friend who just lives around the corner. My counsellor trained me in what to say - along the lines of 'give my wife and I space to work this out' - all very calm and no raised voices. The OM was shocked I was on his doorstep and didn't let me in and I told him I would be back to talk again. By the time I had got home he had rang my wife (how pathetic) and she was shocked to say the least - but my counsellor told me not to take her bait and I just replied that the OM and I have a relationship now. Her confusion was palpable -an amazing 180!(I'm not confrontational at all!). I did it again two days later - he rang her again and she flipped TOTALLY. Said she was moving out of the house and wanted me to bow out - that she had made her decision about seeing the OM for good! I was devastated - of course I believed her - but strangely I didn't beg her to reconsider (this before I knew of DBing). A bit of background - for a month my WAW and I had been doing 'process work' which our counsellor suggested whereby we sit down once a day and raise a topic about our relationship eg bad sexual experiences, why we were attracted to each other in the first place etc. First one person talks - then the other and NO ONE can interrupt!! And you can't discuss anything about the conversation afterwards. Well this had been working MIRACLES for us - because even though we were confronting some painful stuff - it gave us an intimacy that my wife was always CRAVING for - which the counsellor had planned to happen (V clever!). But after me confronting the OM - my wife told me she wanted NOTHING to do with having these talks again. I said fine - no worries - and the effect....for the FIRST TIME since we split (2 months after bomb) she came home from OM one night and said the words 'I MISSED YOU TODAY'- and proceeded to tell me how boring the OM was - I approached with caution. She had seemingly tripped herself up - because of me confronting the OM - she didn't want to talk anymore and discovered she missed me.

Their relationship has been on the slide ever since and I only ever discuss him in counselling - but I NEVER bag him -and guess what happens - she ALWAYS does and ends up telling me how he means NOTHING to her!!

So my tip for the day - I thought I had TRULY lost her FOREVER when witnessing her anger - but it turned out to WORK in MY favour. It constantly amazes me - just when you think you can't see through the darkness - a shaft of BLINDING light STRIKES to renew so much hope!!

And all thanks to healthy 180s, Acting As If and KILLING this damn woman with as much love as I can - even if she is KILLING me!! Cheers Evan

[marc_d]

wow. Thats all I have to really say, and I think its really great hearing about how things are turning around for you. I am really truly hoping my situation can start to turn around again and that now that I feel I am back in the darkness, the light will burst through as it did for you. Keep it up! Sounds like you'll be writing in success stories soon!

[euanjames]

Met the WAW for a coffee today....some of her comments...

1. 'your new haircut looks good...'
2. 'I think we had to break this relationship to put it together properly...'
3. 'I know the OM isn't the answer...'
4. 'I understood what the C said but it's going to take time(re breaking up with OM)...'
5. 'We have to live apart for the moment' (to her gmother)
6. A friend told her that a crisis like this usually prepares you for something grander (what the hell does this mean?)
7. 'The changes in you are amazing'
8. 'I can't believe our relationship now'
9. 'I feel so safe with you'


My question. I know according to the DB laws I shouldn't be talking relationship talk but in our 'old' relationship I NEVER wanted to talk about us. So in a way this is a huge 180 for me - but I still play it safe - no blame, pressure, plenty of empathising. Ditto for being a bit teary - I know according to DB laws I should be HAPPY HAPPY - but again this is a HUGE 180 for me because I NEVER let her see me cry beforehand - she even told me she 'likes my tears'.

So whats stopping them coming back - fear, lack of trust, more of the same, guilt, pride....or all of the above??

Evan

[renew4me]

Evan, Wow. For her to tell you that your changes are amazing, that she feels so safe with you, all of this is wonderful progress. And it is so great that you are able to talk with her about your relationship together.

So whats stopping them coming back - fear, lack of trust, more of the same, guilt, pride....or all of the above??

WAS can be a confusing breed indeed. I think its probably all of the above, though everbody's sitch is different. My W has always been the kind of person who once she makes up her mind, she's full speed ahead, so I think what we're going through now is difficult for her. My wife has told me she isn't entirely sure where her life is headed right now, she has told me she likes the changes I've made, and she seems more and more interested in me, but I think she may very well be uncomfortable with the idea of reversing such a big decision. I'm sure she wants to be able to trust my changes, but I think she feels she needs more time.

I think you're doing really well, and it encourages me to keep going.

[KAW]

Evan,
There is only one DB law! ... To do something different to break the cycle that causes the rifts. The rest is trial and error. Not having an R-talk is not the cure all. In most cases, R-talk are necessary, but will only work when both parties are receptive to making them productive. Since it is not predictable as to when a WAS is receptive, it is safest to wait for them to initiate such a talk ... but in your sitch if it works for you to bring them up because by doing so makes her receptive, then by all means keep doing what works!

... 180's are first directed to stop what doesn't work, then to experiement in finding what does work draw you closer. In experimenting you may discover what may not work for most works for you. If it works, then keep doing it so long as it continues to work ... and you have to constantly monitor to see it your 180's are still working, because sometime what works is a moving target. What works this week, may not work next week.

So the basis of the 180 is not to get stuck in a pattern where you are doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.

'til later,
KAW