2004 The Year of T2 - DivorceBusting.com

T2,

Miss ya girl! Hope you are doing ok.

Deb

Okay, it's been about a week since I've posted, mainly because I don't have much "news" to add, but also because my puter at home no longer lets me sign on to the BB...

Anywho...
We're in our 4th month of being 'back together' and things are going along well at my house. My H seems to be finding himself again and he's becoming more open and affectionate, like the 'old days.' He's even started cuddling more...but still slips into the fetal postition some nights as if he's afraid to accidently 'touch' me in his sleep...but that's okay because he responds well to my spooning him so I won't dwell on the 'subliminal' meaning (if any)of his non-spooning nights.

I'm finding it easier and easier to 'speak my mind' when something triggers me or worries me and he takes it in stride. On several occassions he's even managed to say something lovingly reassuring...so he's trying.

I'm trying to remember that on the days that he seems 'distant' emotionally that his mood doesn't necessarily have a damn thing to do with me or our R....I try to remember that BOTH of us had our down/bad days even at the height of our best days together.

I still have my occassionaly triggers and blue moods that can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours...but I'm able to get a grip on them quicker and see them for the 'fear' they really are, rather then convincing myself the 'bad thougts' are my reality.

So much more work to do...so many more months to get through...just to begin feeling 'whole' again...BUT, I think I can speak for myself and my H when I say, we're optimistic about getting where we want to go together.

All in all I'd say so far so good. And for now, I can live with that.
T2

T2,

Sorry I missed you. Went out with friends today!

Everything sounds like you are doing great and I'm sure you and your H will make it. You have the tools (DR) to finish this ride.

Glad you posted, as I'm sure your post will help others who have their S home and are trying to make it through those rough few months!

Take Care

Deb

hey t2!

i know right now your taking a break from the boards, and understandable since i know how you wear everyone's sitches so personally, and people seem to be on a downswing

but keep us all informed of your progress when you feel like it ok? you are still an inspiration to us

T2 - I was wondering how long it took for you and H to get through the process of DB'ing b/f you got back together?

Hi T2,

Been thinking about you and I miss our chats!

Cathy

This is for you T2!

"You'll think of me"
by Keith Urban

(Darrell Brown/Ty Lacy/Dennis Matkosky)

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

Hi T2.

I am working on an email distribution list for the Sandbridge trip. Could you send me an email to confirm that you are coming? That will also give me your email address. boomermar@cox.net

Thank you!

Wow, since Mal dug this thread up from somewhere in cyber space I figured I'd take the time to do a little update about MY sitch.

H has been home for 5 months and although there have been no negative instances (acts) on his part, I find myself in a whole new phase of this process. One that has been as emotionally taxing on me at times as the one right after the bomb.

This phase has me scratching and clawing my way through the ULTIMATE question that WE'LL all have to face sooner or later and that is: IS THIS what I REALLY WANT?

Although on my Hs part, he's trying in his own way to meet all the challenges and jump over all the hurdles that I throw out there in front of him, I'm now trying to sort through the rubble of the past two years to see what's really there worth saving FOR ME.

As I have come through the guantlet, I've discovered a great deal of innner strength, my future is becoming less fuzzy and I'm beginning to see a clearer and healthier path for myself.

If someone had asked me in the summer of 2002 if I'd ever have any semblence of a life again...I would have said NO. But today, having gone through all the hell and heartache of having been betrayed....I DO see the opportunity for a healthy, happy life...just ahead.

The dynamics of my sitch have changed. I stopped being afraid of losing my H and my M and realized that what I was most afraid of, was LOSING ME and who I was because of all of this.

I have regained my footing and I have taken control of this sitch. It is NOT me who stands to lose if this M falls apart, it is my H. I have always been and will continue to be an honorable person. HE will have to prove to me that HE is capable of doing the same, and he knows it.

There are no more eggshells on the floor, the elephant (the A) in the living room is not hiding under the rug so that my H doesn't have to face it.

I say and do what ever I need to live through the moment, the trigger, the pain whatever and I do it with the acceptance that if my H can't deal with it, then HE needs to go.

I decided months ago that I will not cower another day in fear of his leaving because I came to realize that NO ONE and I mean absolutely NO ONE will ever have the right to hold that much power in my life that they can steal away all my happiness and sense of self EVER AGAIN.

I am an intellegent, accomplished woman. I have been as good a wife as my H could have ever hoped for and because of his inability to be honest with himself and with me, he took the chance of destroying everything we had.

My H knows that I am moving forward. He knows that if he doesn't do the work to catch up he will be left in the dust of my re-emergence, the choice is his to make, because either way, I WILL SURVIVE, MY personal future is very, very bright with OR without him.
T2

T2,
I'm glad you posted. You said very clearly exactly what I have gone through these last 6 weeks. I need to remember that I am a strong, bright, fun woman. You are so right that H has the most to lose. I will survive, he may not.
Thank you!!!

Wow..T2..you have summed up alot of feelings for alot of us..

H and I are going to go slow about actually moving back togeter..I am having the fun that I have missed for a long time..going to his place..jsut being loved again..he knows he is the one that made the mistake..and he is doing a great job of showing me recomittment to this m.

You have been a tower of strength and great inspiration.

Sue

T2,

Thanks so much for the post, your feelings give me renewed strength.

I am not to the point you are yet, but my fear of losing her now has changed to a fear of not wanting her the way she is right now. My W is not yet to where you H is realizing that she needs to catch up. I hope she understands that some day. I am confiedent in myself and know I don't NEED her in my life, but I do want her there. I just struggle every day with the fear that she has become someone I may not want to be with.

Its still very soon since her coming home and I am hoping things will get better along the way and that we finally get to the point where she understands I can't be the only one putting effort into this.

Thank you so much for all the insight and inspiration in your replies to my thread. I personally have helped be deal with the initial struggle of my W coming home. I still struggle with this everyday, but I am in a better place within my self in large part for your words of wisdom.

Thank you so much {{{{{t2}}}}}

Hey T2, it sounds like you are doing great. You H obviosly "gets it" but doesn't always know what to do. He's trying and responding--that's all good.

T2,
I think it is great that you are posting again! All I can say is; it's about time! LOL

It helps to lay out the bad or the good, and the support here is wonderful!

Your buddy!
Deb

T2,
Thanks for being a great friend and chatting with me for the last few days! It means so much to me in knowing that I have a true friend!

I know we both miss KK, and hope she is doing alright; she has mucho laundry to do, LOL.

{{{{T2}}}}

Deb

(((((T2)))))

Hi!!! I lost track of you soemhow and your thread was mentioned on another post so I came to find you!

I am so glad your H is home, but mosty I am glad that you have found yourself. You last post made me cry because I am feeling so much of what you described!

My H is not home, nor will he ever come home, but I have learned to accept that, to move on and to appreciate the person that I have become as a result of the pain I experienced as my M fell apart.

You sound awesome

, T2 and YOU are a success, no matter what happens in your M!!!

T2,

It's been awhile, but I could use some guidance today! A big dose of reality and some of your insights into the mind of an alcoholic.

Otherwise, how are you?

Cathy

Hey T2,

Hope the year of T2 is going well.

Wanted to thank you for all the chats we had and all the support you have given me while trying to get through this mess.

It will be over in a couple of weeks and not sure that I will stay on bb, but thanking people either way.

My buddy, my pal, my partner from the beginning! LMAO!

Just bumping your thread up!

This woman has brought me up the the pits of he//, many times! She believes in me! And I believe in her even if she doesn't, LMAO!

Thank God she has never had to wack me too hard, usually will a velvet coated 2 x 4, LOL!

Yes, I'm tooting you darn horn! So don't be shy! LOL! I miss our third partner; KK, but she is taking care of business! Bless her! Someday she will be back here!

Hugs to my buddy T2! My rock, my boat!
Remember in Newcombers when we were waving the white towels at our S's? LOL! All that curb sitting, all that popcorn and drinking! LMAO!

Deb

Sorry, I'm old, i love it going down memory lane!

Deb,

How could I ever forget all the days and nights spent sitting on that curb, margaritta in one hand and a bowl of popcorn in the other.

We have sure come a long way haven't we!
T2

Yep!

Gotta Love ya!

Hugs, buddy!

Deb

Wow T2, You certainly have come a long way!!...I want to thank you for visiting my thread and the wonderful advice you have provided. You are an inspiration to us all. Regarding your post above, even though W and I are still S, one of the fears I have is exactly what you expressed. And I don't know who would be leaving who behind. I feel as though I am committed much more to the R since she is the one who decided to walk. But if we ever do get back on track, I kind of identify with your feelings about the WAS "catching up" and if she doesn't, perhaps I really don't want to salvage the M. (Boy, I never thought I would say that!) I guess it is just the harsh reality of the sitch.

The only thing I would suggest to you is to not keep your expectations for your H a secret. That's how many of the LBS wind up here in the first place. Perhaps you could share this with H in a counseling session so H doesn't perceive it as a threat.

Most importantly, live one day at a time...Don't project what you think is going to happen in the future. Making your M work "just for today" is a much easier goal than worrying about "making it work forever". Enjoy it in little bites and savor even the smallest, little morsels.

I wish you continued success and I will check back often to see how you are doing.

TKKC1

LNL,

I am very open with my H about MY expectations. I don't hold anything back. I say whatever I have to say without anger, accusation etc...I state my needs directly and calmly.

I'm a million miles away from where I was less than six months ago. I promised myself for New Years that I was through walking on egg shells. That I was no longer going to sacrifice my dignity or self esteem to have my H back in my life. With every passing month I've grown stronger, my self esteem has climbed back to what it use to be and I have (for the first time in all these years) separated 'me from him'...in that I see MY LIFE as my life with him simply as a PART of it NOT all of it.

This has been a long and painful two years but I am healthy emotionally today, I see what I NEED and I refuse to settle for less than I deserve.

My H knows this, it's no secret. My H has returned to the guy he once was...he knows that there are things that he must do...I am giving him a reasonable amt. of time to do those things...but he knows, that if fear or guilt or whatever keep him from doing what I've asked that he will will no longer be welcome in my life.

My H has recently told me that he is doing the best he can for now...he meant it in a good way...he is working his way towards feeling 'safe' enough to do what he's been asked. He is afraid because he KNOWS what he will loose, he's not lost in a fog anymore and he doesn't want to loose me...and that is what he's most afraid of now.
T2

Tk,

Thank you for coming by to visit. This is how we all learn and survive this crisis, by leaning on each other.

T2

T2,

What is it that your H must do? I am curious because my W may have similar expectations of me, should we get to that point.

Thanks

TK,

The things that are left for my H to do is to come completely clean...oh, I don't want details....I want to HEAR what his self actualization is. I want him to articulate to me when and how he got to the point that he saw cheating as the best recourse for his pain. I want to HEAR what he's learned from this experience...HOW he plans to take the lessons he's learned and use them to eliminate ANY chance of his ever seeing betrayal as an option again.

I want all his mail to come here (not his office or PO Box) AND I want to have access to his financial information so that I know WHERE his money is going.

T2

I fully understand your requirements, if my H were ever to want to come back, it would have to be on the basis of a new set of ground rules, on both sides. No more letting things slide till there's a huge mess to clear up.

Did I remember you writing that your earlier threads were lost or that you didn't link to them as you were a phoenix rising from the ashes and didn't want to be reminded of those times?

It would be useful to read some of those early posts just to get an idea of how far you have come, and give some of us more hope that things can turn around.

Livnlearn

LNL,

The guardian angel of this BB, Deb (aka Imalright) was good enough to find and link all my old threads together in the Success Stories thread. You'll find all my trial, tribulation, and insanity posted on those threads.

It's true, I do NOT go back and re-read my old threads. I don't care to look back at that pain and heartache because it's almost as though I didn't 'know' that person, if you understand what I mean.

I was so broken, so fragile back then...NOT anymore though.
T2

Thanks for the directions to your old threads, T2!

Livnlearn

Okay. I decided to post an update to my sitch this morning as a result of my preaching to Deb about the importance of sharing all the different feelings she has and not feeling that it's necessary for her to always be "UP" when she posts.

So here goes:

I am in a great place in my own head these days. There's no drama in my life.

I can't remember the last time I felt like running or felt like my H was considering running.

We're evening out here. Things are stabalizing. We're more comfortable with each other. We're feeling 'safer' with each other.

I find that the further away we get from the As the better we are able to look each other in the eyes again.

There's a new level of honesty between us, especially on my end.

I no longer walk on egg shells.

I don't hold anything back.

I don't allow myself to foster resentments, I keep all my cards on the table.

I don't hesitate to call my H on anything that irks me.

I'm no longer more worried about how HE feels then I am about how I feel.

I have learned to put ME first. I have learned that being happy depends on ME doing things that make me happy instead of waiting for HIM to do them. If I need him to do something I TELL HIM.

I like me again. I like me A LOT.

My H and I are going to share a bank acct for the first time in 20 yrs so that there is mutual accountability for our finances.

We have discussed having a recommitment ceremony in the future.

My H now arranges all his biz trips around when I can take time off from work to go with him.

We have a great deal of work yet to do to make THIS marriage the one we REALLY want and not just the one we have.

It's all good one way or the other...because I KNOW that either way I will survive and MY life will be full with OR without my H.

It's all about ME.
T2

T2,

Thanks for posting and thanks for chatting with me this morning!

You are awesome! And you are showing all of us there is hope, it can be do=ne and that we can have someting better with our S!

I for one thank you for sharing, our chats leave me with more of a understanding of what our H's are going through!

Hugs

Deb

Thanks T2, I needed that post...

T2,

You are the WOMAN!! You you are my role model! I hope to be where you're at some point down the road. I know I have a long way to go on my journey.

You told me awhile back, that when I thought all was lost, that when I thought there was no hope..to think of you! You've come so far and I'm headed the same way and not looking back.

Thanks for updating us, you are a strong, wonderful woman.

Cathy

You are doing so well! Thanks for posting at my sitch.

Yes, I am accepting responsiblity and am being accountable. I was selfish and self centered and forgot that I had any ability to control my life's path.

With dual diagnosis ...bipolar/alcoholic...and with just alcoholics...we do have choices.

We can treat our disease like a disease. A diabetic has to do certain things to control his/her disease and so do we.

We can sleep right, eat right, for me I need to take my meds, and we can't drink. We can pray and attain a new spirituality.

Hope that helps with your desires to know more about alcoholics...probably nothing you didn't already really know, though. After all, you are a wise woman.

Opt, Cath and AG,
Thanks for stopping by. It's hard for me to remember to post on my OWN thread now an then because as my life becomes more normal I guess I sort of take the day to day 'stuff' for granted.

I have an obligation to keep posting occassionally because that's how we give back to the BB what we've been given by it.

All our sitches are different, and yet, they're all the same in many ways.

We will all survive ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

And the first step is to put OURSELVES first and foremost.
T2

DEB
SMOOCH Luv you to sister. YA YA
T2

Cath,

YES, because his failure to transfer ALL his bills back to our address and any hesitancy to have his financial records available to me...were going to be a deal breaker. He had until spring to make these moves so he's coming in under the wire. His mail has JUST started coming to the house again this week...

Progress....slooooowwwww but steady.
T2

How long did it take him to get there T2?

Opt,

He moved back in around the first week of October...so it took almost six months and two out right 'threats' that he'd better get his shi$ together if he really wanted to remain here.

Hey, don't think those babysteps aren't important! His mail is coming back to the house! I haven't seen my H's mail in months. Funny how you miss things you never thought you cared about in the first place.

He is really reattaching to you...I'm so happy for you!

Hugs and prayers,
Akgal

up!

T2, thanks for chatting and for your advice. It really means a lot to me. Just having someone in your corner helps, as you probably well know.

Hugs, and prayers,
Akgal

Hi T2,

Thank you for the posts.

You know I still have one or two of your posts in my word processor that are ones I go back and read from time to time!

pam
UGH...now that's frightening...considering God only knows what I said in those posts or where my head was at that time.

AG,

Thanks for pulling me out of hiding...it forces me to keep my own thread up instead of bulldozing my way through other member's threads all the time.

They are most excellent posts towards me working on me!!

And we don't want you going away on us.

yea, cause we all need help here and you don't give us BS or sugar coated advice. you shoot straight from the hip, LMAO!

I can always count on you telling it like it is, and I'd rather hear that than what I want to hear, lol.

But if you need to leave we understand, eventually we all will. Building a R with our S's are very important. But do keep coming and lurking if you get to that point!

Deb

T2..things sound good in your house.....my h is not home yet, but we spend lots more time together..I agree with you about taking care of ME...this bb has helped me for so long to really get myself together..and I was really proceeding with life and coming to terms that it was probably going to be alone..but I was ok with it....now I have to re adjust to living and sleeping and all that stuff..with my h again!!!!But I won't complain...

Sue

Hi T2,

I wish I had more to say but it sounds like you are in a terific mental state and really understand what it is going to take to make your M work. I especially like the way you are so candid when expressing what you want from your H as well as things that bother you. These are signs that the "eggshell" days are over. You can not have a solid relationship with anyone who requires that you constantly filter what you are going to say. I think that my W and I both walked on eggshells for the past several years rather than having honest communication. Eventually, the frustration and resentments get to be too much to deal with and someone walks.

I like all your stated goals and your approach to things. Your H sounds like he is doing all the right things as well. Granted, I am sure things are not perfect, but that is an unrealistic standard anyway. I think it comes down to realizing that as individuals, you are both different and have unique requirements. As I have read on the boards, if you respect these differences and react to them in a loving way, you in turn will recieve more of what you need in a R. It is when we try and mold another person into what we want them to be that we run into trouble. Anyway...thanks so much for your great words of wisdom about my sitch. I will visit again soon.

Hi TKKC,

Nice of you to visit!!!

Things are just falling into place for my H and I. We're both through with walking on egg shells. My H is finding it much easier to express himself, especially, when he doesn't agree with something, and like me, he's learned to do it in a constructive and respectful way.

I think we've both learned that passive/aggressive behavior and resentment was a rather cowardly method we used to deal with issues we didn't have the courage to discuss like mature adults. My H is more apt to ask if I "mind that he does something" and I do the same as well.

I think we've learned to be far more respectful of each other's differences and instead of hiding them for fear of angering each other, we're now saying what we want/need, the level of 'honesty' between us has risen tremendously.

My H and I are very comfortable again. I can hardly believe how far we've come. My 'nightmare' started in June of 2002...he's been back home "for good" since late Sept./first week in Oct of 2003, but we really didn't start to get 'normal' until February...now with each passing week we are settling back in to a 'safe' and 'normal' life.

I think we've learned to really 'like' each other again. We've learned to respect each other again and to NOT take each other for granted.

Amazing at it might seem, my H's 2 As have become meaningless to me. I can honestly see them now, as the salve he used for his emotional pain. I no longer take them 'personally' (if you can understand what I mean).

I would never have believed in the summer of 2002, that my life would ever be settled again...and yet, here I am...well on my way to "normal."

I know that my H is grateful that I did not abandon him while he went through his own hell, I can see and feel that gratitude through his interaction with me if not his words.

I'd like to believe that my life would have been better had none of this ever happened to me...(us)....and yet the truth is, it wouldn't have been better because we had BOTH stopped loving each other and this HELL woke us both up to what we had destroyed by our apathy towards each other. I don't think we'll ever make the same mistakes again.
T2

T2,

That is the most awesome post and I think something that could probably be said for every couple here on the bb that makes it through this hell.

I think so many people have no idea when they get married how to adjust and respect and love one another and how much work it takes, you just think we are in love, we got married and that takes care of it.

Pam,

Absolutely, I think ALL of us that wind up in this mess do so out of failing to keep our love and marriages alive on a regular basis.

But it doesn't make any of us "bad" people...we've all fallen victim to putting our jobs, kids, personal happiness, etc. first in our lives while our relationship with our spouses fell by the way side.

When we're ALL (both spouses) honest with ourselves we see our part in the dissolution of our marriages. We get 'to comfortable' to 'indifferent' to 'sure of ourselves' to 'self absorbed' and then suddenly someone else steps in to fill the gaps of what our spouses needed but didn't have the courage or ability to tell us about.

There seems to be a thread that runs through all of our relationships on this board and that is that one spouse held what they thought and felt back from US, and the other "withheld" their love and affection (in one way or another) in reaction to feeling thier spouse drawing away from them...We all got our defenses up, fought the wrong battle and lost the war...and now, we have to find a way to make our peace, save face and reunite...it's not easy to do with all the battle scars both spouses bear...but it can be done and does get done, eventually.
T2

that pretty much sums my sitch up too. I agree that is the common thread that we're fighting. Too bad it wasnt a requirement for marriage to read DR and 5LL :-), and a refresher when you have kids. I think if I read them 2-3 years ago, we'd NEVER have gotten to this place in our lives.

Now that we have the arsenal, it's applying it consistenly and lovingly that's the challengs, esp when the alien rears it's ugly head, or our fears of the future make us crazy.

T,

That says it ALL.

Let us hope our spouses are not too far removed to want to revive the M.

I know I contributed exactly those things you mentioned. I'll take credit for my part of the undoing and hope W will.

Thanks

Bill and DBB,

I am totally convinced that EVERY marriage IS salvagable. My H was so far gone emotionally that I was practically dead in his eyes...the coldness that exuded from him after the first bomb was devastating. He said every MLC textbook phrase imaginable...He was a TOTAL stranger to me back then...but again, here we are today, as this tragic process unfolded over nearly two years...he has come back around, in his own time, in his own way....and believe me when I tell you that HE is grateful that I am still here for him. He has said so many times that he doesn't know who "that guy" was that he'd become...he hates him...he's afraid of him...and he will never become "that guy" again.
T2

T2 you've helped me through some rough periods and have kept me going this whole time...just last night I was thinking of you again and how far you've come...I'm still following and hope to be where you are at in the future and I also hope my H can follow.. I'll have to give my H credit for trying to become a new man. There are many more obstacles I'm sure, but I am holding out for the new H our new R/M.

Cathy

T2,
Having read through your entire sitch now - I am SO grateful that you found your way to visit me. You have some incredible words of advice - having really gone through the pain. I appreciate that now that you are on the path to healing, you are finding the time to help those of us in trouble. I cannot describe how grateful I am - and hope that I can do the same when I make it as far as you have.

Your strength in the face of adversity, your positive attitude and the fact that you came out ahead in the game - knowing that no matter what happened with your H, YOU would still be OK - and in fact better for the experience.

I found this especially meaningful:
QUOTE:
____________________________________________________________
I'd like to believe that my life would have been better had none of this ever happened to me...(us)....and yet the truth is, it wouldn't have been better because we had BOTH stopped loving each other and this HELL woke us both up to what we had destroyed by our apathy towards each other. I don't think we'll ever make the same mistakes again.
___________________________________________________________

This really helps me see the truth - even though I know it in my head for my own sitch, it's still hard to see it.

Keep up the great work and keep visiting when you can. Your words are so meaningful to me.
Many hugs {{{{{{{{{T2}}}}}}}}}},
Totally

T2:
You describe very well all of the understandings I have come to, as well as the state of where my R is today.

I sincerely wish that I had never had to go through this experience. It was, without a doubt, the most painful event I have had to deal with...and that is saying alot. Still, some of the end results are things I am very grateful for. It is the ultimate irony, isn't it?

Another thing that has changed forever is that I don't think my H will ever take me for granted in the way that he did before. It sounds as though he used to believe I would always be there...and now he knows better. I know that he appreciates me in a way that he never did before and is amazed and I'm fairly confident that he wouldn't let another person come between us in this way ever again.

It took me a long time to understand what he meant that the A was "not about me". How could it have been not about me when I was the one he was betraying? Now I understand that it really was all about him and his own problems and insecurities.

In our case, I don't think that it was a matter of not attending to the love in our R as much as it was conflict avoidance, assumptions and resentments based on assumptions.
I won't be likely to stay silent anymore if I see things going sideways in the R. Conflict avoidance did a lot of damage before, and I am having to take the lead now to show my H how to deal with conflict directly in a POSITIVE way.

All the way around, our stories are very similar in result.

T2,

I've been put on to your thread by others who thought it would be helpful. My H moved home in jan, after being Sep for 3 months. Things are going well, but i often strugle with the question of whether i want this marriage or not.

It's almost like i have detached too far from him and i don't know how to get back there, or even if i want to. I too have set 'deal breaker' conditions, with a time limit for my H, which he is fully aware of and is actually trying to do, but still i question my wisdom at accepting him back into my life!

I truely believe that this is a fantastic opportunity for H and I to create the M we always wanted, and when i put it to myself in those terms it helps me to not want to bolt and run!

How do you stop the doubts? Did you and your H attend MC? My H really wants to, but i just don't know if it would help (but I'm willing to try anything!)

My H leaving was partly to do with an illness that he couldn't accept and i tried to hard to help him with!

Any advise on how to move forward from here would be great.

Take care

Lee

Rottzilla...

Macroeconomics...try Organizational Psychology and see if THAT doesn't make you want to run off the college's campus, cause if it doesn't, I don't know what will. LOL
I think I'd rather be taking another Statistical Analysis course UGHHHHHHHHHH

How long were you and H separated? Can you give me a brief of the original sich?

Thanks,
Nitaf

CAn you stop by my tread and give me some advice?

Thanks,
Nitaf

T2,

Your words are encouraging, thank you. Because right now, I confess I see little hope. W moved out Mar 1 and said she has no interest in working on the M. And she said she is not coming back. She also told her Mom this week, she is happy, because she does not dread coming home anymore.

We talk or see each other frequently because of the three children and I try to be upbeat and positive when I see her. But as I told Karen the other day, when I look in her eyes, I see nothing, no spark, no light, no love for me.

I know this is early and the pain is still fresh and raw and I know I'm supposed to working on me, but I confess I do not like being in this limbo stage. She has not mentioned D lately, but she told her Mom she had a couple of things to do, her Mom did not ask what, but she thinks they have to do with D.

Sorry, to steal your thread. Thought you might have some insight.

Hope you and H are well. You are an amazing and patient person; I hope he realizes this. I really want to revive my M.

Thanks

write

T2,

I wondered if you'd have time to stop by my thread again with some of your thoughts on my latest plans. Having been through this yourself I thought you might have some good advice.

My upcoming week is going to be a very hard one and I wanted all the armour I could get before heading into it.

I'm glad you are doing so well. You are such an inspiration!

(I'd post the link to my thread here but I don't know how to do it - I'm still pretty close to the top in Newcomers though - still feeling a lot of pain and need daily support.)

Thanks,
Totally

T2,

Your totally right. It is fear that holds me back. I tell my self not to be afraid as i trust myself to be able to cope, no matter what happens! But yet, there seems like there is nothing i can do about it, other than recongnise it for what it is.

I think that over time I will feel more comfortable and trusting with my H, somedays it is just hard to see it. My H has difficulty with the changes i have made for myself. Since we only saw each other once while sep (and that was for a family funeral) he didn't see me grow into these changes. I'm alot more relaxed about certain things than i used to be, more compassionate to others and i tend to let things slide, that i would have jumped all over before. I was pretty uptight about certain things, and now, these things just aren't as important! He makes ASSumptions, but i just don't sweat the small stuff.

I find it amusing that i can still surprise him, cause this way of living is now second nature to me, so i think nothing of it.

Hopefully he will be able to grow as i have, i just wish he'd hurry and catch me up!

I'm glad that someone who has been in my position has come out the other end!

Take care

Lee

Hi T2,

You told me a few months ago, get used to the sleepless nights..well I thought you'd be wrong..you weren't. Three months that he's been back and he's still involved with the OW.

Must be nice to think the world revolves around your needs and wants and to he## with everybody else...pathetic, desperation!!

Cathy

T2,

I can't figure out a way to find your original sitch. I just love coming to Piecing! It's like reading success stories but actually getting some background and real insight.

Was your H in MLC and was there an OW? Can you tell me where to find your story from the beginning? (I'm looking for MLC/OW success stories - looking for hope.)

Thanks for everything T2!
Totally

T2, you're one of the ones where if we don't hear from you for a few days, I am happy and feel like perhaps some good stuff is happening for you. Hope I'm right.

BTW - if DBing is an art form, does that make you my muse?

LOL Rott...amusing maybe...but a muse, I doubt it

I'd go so far as to say I'm more of a pain in the butt than I am anything else around here.

Nah, reading your mistakes helps me to not make the same ones. Not trying to be mean, just trying to state facts. You're great, you're strong, you're insightful and wise, and you are human. It helps to have you around. You and others like you are one of the great reasons this BB works.

Totally,

Thanks to DBer Imalright (aka Deb) who posted my threads on the Success Stories page on 1/5/04...you'll find ALL my hideous thread links about 1/2 way down the page on the below thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=632224&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=2&vc=1

T2

Thanks T2 for the thread links.

I agree with Rottzilla - we really appreciate you being here! Thanks for continuing to visit, send helpful advice and post your story for others to glean helpful information!

Stay the path!
Totally

T2,

Hope all is well; thanks for stopping by.

T2;
My wise DB friend.
Can you stop by and visit my thread again. I'm afraid I'm going to make a big mistake this upcoming week.

My S is coming home Monday - she's splitting up accounts - the whole 9 yards. I'm making every effort to make positive memories and just listen and validate. Hopefully she will tell me why she feels the need to get out instead of working on herself through our very supportive R but whatever. I wrote her a card. Can you stop by and see if I'm making a mistake.

I'm in a panic and you are the wisest DBer I know.

Thanks,
Totally

T2;

OK - I signed up for Yahoo Messenger - I'm KimP67372 - now I don't know how to get in touch with people.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
I tore up the card.
Totally

Hey T2, thanks for bringing me back down to earth last week...I'm still laughing about that. Venting just feels so darn good sometimes, it's like swearing, sometimes it's the only thing that fits the moment and it's a release of tension at the same time.

Cathy

T2,

Can you take a look at my thread? Deb reminded me that your H left 2x and now is back for good. My H is now moving out again #3!! This is the first time though that he is moving into his own apt. The 2 other times he lived with a friend.

Any insite into what you think was different for your H this time would be very helpful.

THANKS!!!!! nik/nikatnight

Heading toward D and away from Piecing

NOTHING beats a good old fashion vent!!! Enjoy!

Where is your original Sitch posted? Can you read my post in Piecing?

Thanks,
Nitaf

mak?

she really is a pain in the butt...

Kitti,

I�ll take your word, you probably know T2 better than I do. LOL

Mak

OH SHURRRRRRR

KK keeps a low profile and then shows up with guns a blazin!!!

Come on out of that fox hole missy so I can get a shot at YOU!!

Where do we purchase the tickets to watch, LMAO!

I don�t know about the tickets but I would bet my cash on T2. Maybe we can get this on pay per view. LOL

Deb,

I think me and KK are gonna have to have us a rasslin match!!!! If'n your smart, you best put ur money on me cause I'm gonna whoop that thar girl. She can't be callin me no pain in the butt, thems fightin words. (Even if she is right)

T2,

ROFLMAO! Let the games begin! All's fair in Love and War!

Probably end up in a hugging match is more like it!
YA YA!
Deb

Hi T2, If you have a moment could you stop by my thread again please. It�s under Newcomers - Need Help with WAW!!! Thanks. Mak

you act like i am in the least bit afraid of you t2 - you got all these people on the board FOOLED

me and deb know the REAL you

put your silver on me peeps, the fight is about to begin

Can I manage both of you? That way I'll get paid no matter what! LOL

Hugs and prayers, Akgal

KK,

Put up yer dukes...put up yer dukes!!!

OR...we could just go and get us a margaritta.

See ya at the bar.

I want a margaritta too!!!!

Ohhhhhhhhhh so AG wants to be the "Don King" of the BB board huh? LOL...so are you gonna take 90% of our winnings too AG?

Help yourself Pam...the drinks are goin on KK's tab anyway!!! So order the top shelf stuff.
T2

I'm there!!

Cathy

LOL Wait till she sees that she is getting the tab!

margarita's on the house

i so much would rather drink than fight...LOL

I've got a full bar over my place. Even some virgin 'ritas for those of you so inclined to just sit back and watch the rest of us make fools of ourselves.

Cabo Wabo silver is GREAT tequila. Let's go!!! Forget the fight, we're all lovers here.

I'll bring the lemon and kosher salt Rott....get the cheese and cracker tray ready.
T2

Regular or lite cheese? Spicy?

Got it. I'm making nachos for those of us who want to be more authentic. (In the immortal words of Homer Simpson - Ummm, Mexican...)

Hey T2

Just spent some time catching up on your thread - can't wait until I get cable internet next week - this dial-up has to go away...no wonder I can't keep up with you folks!

I'll take a strawberry margarita - I'll bring the strawberries. They were 2 for 1 at the store last week!

And BTW, I volunteered to keep you from getting jailed on an assault charge when we virtually attend Deb's court date tomorrow! You can bop her atty a couple of times - but any more than that and I'll stop you!

If I succeed in stopping you then do I get a cut of the action when you and KK square off? LOL!

So when you feel a firm grip on you tomorrow - that's just me!

T2 have you choked that attorney yet?????

Have you tried RASBERRY margaritas? Now those are amazing!

Totally

I am glad to see you doing so well! Stop by and see me somtime.

I'm not much of a drinker but these days I'm willing to learn. A Black Russian with Absolut sounds mighty good right about now! LOL Maybe an MGD to enhance my LRT?

Have a good weekend everybody!

Happy Easter! Thanks for all your encouragement! How's it going in your sitch?

Hugs, and prayers, Akgal

Okay folks...it's OPEN HONESTY here:

Last night my H and I went to a wedding reception for a man that use to work with me. 90% of the attendees were past or present co-workers.

The 'groom' is a 50 yr old man and his new wife (with whom he's lived for 10 years) is 35 years old.

My H had never met her and had only met the groom once before.

ANYWAY....

H says to me, "Geez she's quite a bit younger than him isn't she?" (said in a tone to indicate 'judgement')...
I just looked at him like..."WHAT? Weren't your two OWs 15 yrs younger than you? What the hell are you talking about?"
But I didn't even bother to answer him. My H is 50 also and his OWs were 35 & 38, so I'm thinking the pot's calling the kettle black here. but I say nothing and just ignore the remark.

We got to this reception at 7pm, people are enjoying their wine and drinks and laughing, having a good time. My H (who as you know is a recovered alcoholic) stands there with his hand in his pocket looking as bored as he can muster up.

Two hours into the reception, he leans down and says to me, "Are you about ready?"....which is 'code talk' for, "I want to get the hell out of here." I of course, was enjoying myself and happy to be amongst freinds laughing and enjoying one another's company but I said, "Sure, if you're ready."

So we say our goodbyes, hug the new bride and groom and out the door we go.

I was seething with frustration and anger...THIS is old behavior from my H...this is what he'd always done when we were with people I know. It was his way of making sure that my 'outside' relationships were kept to a minimum while he
fostered tons of freindships and affairs with his AA cronies. I of course was never welcome in that part of his life so over the years while he developed this vast array of relationships with AA people, I became more and more isolated from other people.

My head's been spinning since last night...this was the past rearing it's ugly head...and I can NOT go back there.

I found myself mulling over the comment he made about the age difference between the bride and groom and couldn't help but wonder if he's thinking, "Look at that, I can certainly have someone much younger than I am, I've already proven that to myself, so why am I settling for what I have now when I could have a young honey myself and start a whole new life with her."

On the drive home my H asked if I felt that he'd run me out of the party to which I answered honestly, "Yes you did, but you've always done that when we've gone anywhere that MY friends were." He apologized trying to sound surprised and said, "Oh you should have said so, I would've stayed then." And I said, "For what? So you could stand there acting bored or annoyed to be there? No thanks." So then, I couldn't help myself, I turned to him and said, "Are YOU really sure you want to be back here in our life?" And with a somewhat annoyed voice he says, "Why do you even ask that? If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be."

I let the convo go...but sat there thinking, that's no guarentee...you lived under my roof for the six months your first affair went on...so the fact that your HERE really doesn't mean jack sh$t. At least not to me.

I don't know guys...I really have to wonder IF THIS is what I WANT for my life....I don't think so.

I think I have some serious soul searching to do here for myself cause I damn sure don't want to 'settle' either.
T2

{{{{{T2}}}}}

You just described the same incident, down to the words from your H that I experienced last fall. I suppose that is one of the reasons why I am having a difficult time right now. Soul searching means being brutally honest with yourself.

I don't have words of wisdom for you. I just want you to know I'm here with a shoulder marked T2!

Thanks Pattie, it's always great to know there's someone out there listening...especially when we're bitchin and moanin

I had a good chat with my H shortly after that little vent...

I told him everything I'd said in that post. I let him know that I have absolutely NO intention of ever going backwards, walking on egg shells or any other self destructive thing I did this time last year (and before) when I was obsessed with him and not my own life.

I let him know that if he fostered any confusion over where he really needed and wanted to be that he'd better poop or get off the pot because I have no intention of wasting another day of my life while he hides from any residual demons that he may have.

I'm out of that ugly loop and off that hideous rollercoaster that drains the life out of us. I'm not the broken and shattered woman I was 6 months ago, I don't NEED my H anymore, and if he can't hold up his end of this R entirely, then like Cheney said about Clinton..."the wheel has turned and it's time for HIM to go."

God it feels good to feel safe in yourself again. To feel strong and empowered to put your own sanity and happiness first...and I AIN'T EVER giving that up again for ANYONE.
T2

CLAP!! CLAP!!! CLAP!!! Go You!!