H is coming home :O))))) - DivorceBusting.com

Hello all,

Thanks for all the replys, I am exstatic!!

Sorry, I was busy at work yesterday and this is a long story lol and on Saturday I really thought I would be telling you all something different. On saturday I was preparing to tell you all it was over !

Here goes.

Two Fridays ago H had arrange to go out with me, on the wednesday he told me he would not be able to make it as his daughter was coming over and he didn't want to leave her on her own, well I can understand that, however I did find myself thinking yeah and he was going out with his buddies would he have dropped them because his D would be there.

One of the problems in our relationship, thereason I built up resentment is because I was always bottom of the pile.

Anyway this Friday, I heard from his daughter he was going out and she was babysitting D8. Already I was getting annoyed but I was trying to control it.l

Then Saturday he was supossed to be going to a party with me.
Saturday morning he text me saying " thinking about you"
So I text back " are you cooming tonight"
He text back " I have D over this weekend ( sad face) sorry I cant.

Well, I thought about it all, and I thought yeah I know the DBing rules but I cant go back to this R lik this, I will just build up resentment again.

So, I called him, he answerd the phone, and I just said " Im sorry H I cant do this no more.
H said " What??"
I said " tell me, why am I always bottom of your list??
H said " Your not"
I said " I am, thats why we are were we are today, because good old dependable Sue is always there and you always take me for granted.
Then I askd him why he blew me out last friday for D, then last night he went out and left D at home and then tonight he he cant make it with me because he needs to stay home with D.

He was speechless and gobsmaked because he never knows how I find this stuff out .

He said" Its not like that"
I said thats how it looks to me.

I then went on to say. " for the last 6 years its been like that and thats why we are where we are today. I have been patient H, I have given you your space, I have given you time to sort your thoughts out. In the time I have sorted mine out. When you left I was gutted, I would prefer us to stay together and work through this, but I had begun to get on with my life, I feel I can do that now, but im still hurting, I cant do this on my own, you need to come with me.

Then I asked him " Do you not feel that your Spouse should be at the top of your list?? " he said "yes"

I said even when we book our holidays we have to book them around all the other stuff you have booked in, it shouldn't be like that, all the other stuff should fit round us. I said we are at a stage in our lives were we should be doing all this together, not you doing it alone and fitting me in.

He then said " Im sorry sue but I have to divide my time.
I said well why is that!! Because you are living seperatley from me!! why is that because you chose to leave, He said we have never discussed me coming back.

I said Im waiting for you to come back, Im not going to ask you, I have told you I want that long ago, the ball is in your court.

I then said " I have to go now, when you bring D back we can talk.
I said bye and went.
I then thought, What have i done ??
So, I spent the whole of Saturday preparing for it to end, I knew this was make or break time and by the way I had spoke to him I figured it would be break.

When he turned up with D8, I asked him you want coffee??
he said yeah.
We sat in lounge and I said " have you anything to say??
He said " oh put me on the spot"
So I just laid into him really and sadley I brought up OW again.
In fact I went over absolutley everything. I tore into him.
He just sat there and took it.
Then he went to speak and his lip started to quiver.
He stood up and said " sorry sue I gotta go"
I said, Ok you gonna run again, not face up to this, this all needs to come out!!

His lip was really going ( I have NEVER seen him cry before)
I stood up and cuddle him, I said H im sorry I went over all that again, Im hurting, I dont know what else to do, I have tried, I have acceptep my part in all this, I have forgiven you, I have waited patiently, But for me to forgive you, you need to meet me half way.

He then started to sob and said " sue I just want to come home, im so sorry, im sorry for the way I have hurt you, I know I havent treadted you right, but I dont kno0w how to repair the damage I have coursed, he said " I have never stopped loving you.

We were both crying now.

We sat down and discussed everything, H said he wants to work at it, we discussed moving, we dont know what to do about that yet.

He asked when he could come home and that he felt it would be difficult, cos he felt like it wasn't his home, I sadi " its always been your home, but I know what he meant.

He wants to sort his flat out first, so he is doing that and he wants me to clear his side of the wardrobe, I had put all my stuff in there

So there it is.

Hope you enjoy

Sue

I read parts of your thread. My H and I had a great week from Oct 19 to about the 24th, nothing since. Did your H do this dance for a while? This is the first time he has even come close. OW is still in the picture.

Anyway, your thread gives me hope!

Here is when he started coming forward first: H tells her to move out
Here is my last thread: joyful in hope
Tell me what you think.

thesaneone,

Hope you have a great TG! Wow, coming to the states! Alright! Let us now how it went! ((((HUGS))))

Deb

What thread were you talking about on my thread? If you get to NY in time tomorrow, check out the floats in the Macy's TG Day Parade. They are really awesome. If you are going to be in Manhattan, make sure you check out the windows in the stores. Not sure if they will be up yet, but the stores do awesome displays this time of year. Have a great time!

Hi Holdin,

The window displays were up, they were great

Well all,

H and I had a lovley time in New york... romantic

I reminded him that it was a year ago he told me he didn't love me.

He said well I do and cuddled me

Funny thing, in bed one morning I asked H if he was glad we were back together, he said yes, then asked are You ??
I took a while to answer, I was just thinking that was all, but when I did answer H seemed to have been holding his breath, when I said yes, he let out a big sigh of releif .

Any way we had a most lovley time, this time last year I would never of beleived it

Sue

Oh I forgot to tell you all

Whilst in NY, we went to see a musical called:

The thing about men

The musical is about a man who is having an A and has had others
Then Low and behold his W has an A and the H is devastated

Well after the Musical H made a comment on why the H had the A and he said it was just something different that was all.

Interesting

thesaneone,

Glad to hear you had a good time in NY!

I liked your little story on H holding his breath!

Hope I am where you are now next year. Sounds like your waiting and patience paid off!

I'm proud of you!

Deb

Hi all,

H and I went to buy our Christmas tree at the weekend, we put it up and I couldn't help thinking about last year.

Thank god for this site!!

We went to pictures Sunday evening to see Love actually H put my hand on his U know what

Thank god for this site !! Lol

Sunday afternoon whil;st I was preparing dinner H came in kitchen from behind he put his arms round my waste, made me shiver, then procedded to undo my jeans

Thank god for this site !!!

Please all of you keep the patience
Keep the PMA's
It really works!!!

Sue

thesaneone,

Holy Moley!

I wish I had my H doing those things! I would think I died and gone to heaven!

You bet this works! I agree!

Deb

Keep us posted we like to hear about things that lead up to "shaggin" LOL

Take Care!

Thesane:
I am so happy bc your happiness... and you know what?.. about that musical you went, i cant stand for a minute a movie containing that kind of story and you did it..

Andrea

Hi all,

Just a little update.

H and I are doing fine, H is being very affectionate still, he has backed off a little but I suppose it couldn't of staid the way it was, with him texting me all the time.

He has got back into the old routine of living together, this bothers me just a little as I feel it culd easily go back to the way it was.

He has started to fall aslepp on the sofa of an evening, this made me go off and do stuff before and then he acted like I was the one distancing.

The sex between us has died down LOL he has always had a lower SD than me, this makes me think he dont fancy me ( I Know I know)

Any ways thats the bad news!!!

Good news!!

Wew are moving, we want to develop our life together, he wants a sailing boat, I want a horse.
In the past he has always done all he wants, he goes on sailing holidays and goes sailing with a friend, I did nothing ( I couldn't afford to) this made me resentful.
I told H in one of our R talks that I always let him develop his dreams but I could never develop my own. I told him this made me resentful, however, H thought I was resentfull because he did these things, that wasn't the case, it was because I couldn't!!!

So, we are buying a house with some land and stables and Im getting my horse.
H is buying a boat. ( trouble is I dont like sailing lol)
The other reason for moving is to get another room.
H told me whilst we were seperated I never supported him with his kids.
This is pot calling kettle, but hey, if he feels like that I guess I have to respect it.
So I suggested we get another room so his kids do not have to stick to their specific weekends they can have a key and just turn up when they want.

H suggested the other day we go out look at a car!!!!! you will not beleive it, I have had my car for 10 years, I have aked and asked for another one, only to be told we cant afford it, then he goes out and buys golf clubs, sailing gear, etc etc.

In the end I resigned myself to the fact I was not getting one and just drove around in my old banger.
When he said this the other day, I nearly fainted!!

So, hes trying, im trying.

He comes home from work at a resonable time, he picks D up from school when he can. He calls me honey

He has said ILY, but not often and my christmas card was not " to the one I love" like it used to be it was " To someone very special" So im grateful for that seeing as this time last year, well... you all know.

I still get feelings arise now and again, and I have to snub the urge to check his phone or brief case, I will not do that!!!

Mind you he is occasionly still secretrive.
He puts his phone in his pocket and stuff, But I think thats because he dont rtust me!!!

So, its still hard, but we are getting there.

Sue

thesane1,
Miss you, but know that when you are not posting this is a good sign! Hope you had a wonderful christmas!

Deb

Hi, all

OK, things are great

DBing is definatly a way of life!!

H, I am convinced is now reaching the third stage of ACCeptance in MLC. He is a changed man.

He is not the man that went in the tunnel.
When H and I first met and were "In love" of course we were different together. Things changed as they always do, I thought this meant H didn't love me any more.

I became a constant fixer, always checking the daily temprature. Do you love me??, you dont love me, you never say it anymore, and so on.

H never responded to any of this, of course I got worse!!

However, things have changed.

Its not like the early days, the "in love" days, Its better!!

H is on my case BIG TIME

He tells me he loves me all the time, he does more temprature checking than me

Ok, New years eve, I really thought I had done some damage.
I got talking to a bloke at a party who was having major probs in his marraige. This Guy is a freind of H's, first time I had met him. I started to talk to him about saving his M, three other guys joined in, turned out they were all having some problem or other. I asked this guy if he wanted to save his M. he said yes. He said she dont.( they still live together but she wont talk to him, go on holiday with him, nothig.) So of course I started to tell him things like, do something different from what you have been doing. H herad all what I was saying, i thought jeez.

next day H asked me about it all. Then i couldn't beleive he said, you know what, aside of all our problems we have a better R than all those lot!!! I thought hoorah H you have noticed lol.

I have one problem. I cannot stop thoughts creeping in my mind, I have to use the thought stopping technique a lot.
I occasionly ask myself, why did he do it?? then I have to remind myself. Its not always easy, but its worth it.

My R is different it will never be the same, H is different, I am different.
He is so much more settled, like he has made a desision

Its hard staying focused, and occaisonly I get a touch of DB amnesia.

H stays on track, do you know wht, sometimes I think im sure he has been on this site and is DBing lol. That is amazing when you think about it.

Sue

Sue,

Sure miss you. But, glad that things are working out! As I have learned from others here; you have to stop the "stinking thinking" LOL There are stages the two of you must go through after he comes home. Sounds like you are going through the normal stages.

Good Luck!

Deb

Hi Sue~

WOW What a wonderful thread!

what good news! As a fellow MLC spouse, I will definatly look back over your threads to gain some insight. Depression seems to be the special of the day in my Diner.

Your H has traveled the stages and there is light at the end of the tunnel that is NOT an oncoming train!

MANY {{{{ Sue }}}}

Blessings
Water

HI sue,

I just wanted to say congrats. I'm very impressed with how your doing. My H has just recently returned home and I'm finding it difficult to DB, i never had the chance before he left, so it was something i did for myself and sure it helped me alot to be ok, but it was a bonus that H noticed and decided to give it another go.

I'm finding it difficult to not go back to how things were and wondered if you'd have some pointers, if you could check out my thread, i'd appreciate it.

Not really in piecing- but soon might be. Help!

Thanks and goodluck

Lee

Hi Sue-

The way your sitch is now is something I can only dream about right now. I've started reading your early posts from last year too. I like to see how far you Success Stories have traveled

If you could come visit my thread in Newcomers "Rebuilding Trust" it would be great. Sorry, don't know how to do that link thing!

Mary

Hi Sue:
i indetify myself and my story and feelings too much with yours during this piecing process. So, calm down, everything is totally normal and yes, i use to practice a lot the switch stop thinking thecninc...!!... Go, go, a future is waiting for both
Andrea

Hi all,

Something happened recently, that I really feel I have to share with you all in picing.

It made me realise how easily we can all slip in to our old ways by reacting to what our S do.

Ok, one of the problems in our R was That I got ill with a very bad case of RESENMENT flue.
I got a letter the other day, because I had not sent my car tax form in on time and in this country ( England) you have to declare that you did not have the veihcle on the road. So the DVLA send you a SORN form to fill out.

I knew what the letter was so I didn't bother to open it, I had one before, never filled it out and never heard again, so I wasn't to bothered. I left it on the side unopened.

H said to me, " are you going to fill tht form out" I thought about it, then thought, Ok, How does he know what it is. So off I went to see where the letter was. H had opened it!!!

I came back to H and I said " You opened my letter" H said well you hadn't opened it.

I said " I knew what it was, it was my letter, was adressed to me, I would never open your mail!!"

H said well you need to send it off, or you will get fined.

I was furious. So, I was adament that I would now not do it!! How dare he, I thought!!

I then went into one, telling him how he needed to realise that, I was me and he was he, and he should not be opening my mail and it was my letter, my fine, my problem!!

He went off to work, leaving me feeling very angry.

whilst at work, I started to think about all this, I was questioning am I wrong? every time I asked that question I got the same answer from myself I AM RIGHT!!!

Then I statted to think about DBing, I kept remembering a line in the book, I cant remembr what it says word for word but basically its about how we always feel we are right. Which got me thinking H was probably doing the same thing, thinking HE IS RIGHT!!

Then I rememberd to start with a beginners mind.
Whos says im right??

So, I decide to do something different from what I would of normally done wich would of been to 1) Definatly not send that form!! 2) Ignore him untill he apolagises to me.

Now I also decide d that I wasn't totally wrong and he wasn't right, so thre was no need for me to apolagies.

I asked myself why he botherd to interfere with my life and I realised it was because he cared. He didn't want me to get a fine. This was hard because I wanted to beleive I was right and he was wrong.

Anyway I mailed him and I simply said Hi, thankyou for reminding me about the form, I have filled it out and sent it off, see you tonight sue xx

I never got a reply, and he never aid nothing later that night, but he cuddled up to me on the sofa, and we had a lovley evening together and now its all forgotten about

Things like that are not worth breaking up a R about, you might think thats taking it too far, but its all thoose small things put together that do it.

Just thought I would share that, because I felt pleased with myself.

Sue

Sue,

Thanks for sharing, I'm sure this will help a lot of us think, that it is not ALL about us thinking we are right!

Deb

Sue -

I think that a lot of these small problems lump together over the years and make one HUGE problem. Thanks for the post.

Mary

Hello Sue

How are things with you in the UK? Haven't heard from you in a long while...

Livnlearn

Liv,

Hi and thanks for thinking of me

Things are good, its hard work though.
Thing is our Goal is to get our S back, BUT thats the beginning, thats when the real Dbing starts and its hard work.

Things are still good with H and I, dont get me wrong, but the novalty of the new ness has worn off and H wants to creep back to old ways, and im having to DB my butt off to keep it all on track.

But its working!!! we will get there, I know we will.

I do still visit the board, But its hard, I cant do it at home whilst H is there, he caught me the other night and I had to click off and He questioned me im sure he thought I was up to something like porn!!

.

We are house hunting

Our lives are changing

Im not reacting to him

and it feels good

something happened the other night that was quite a dbing success.
H was very late home from work, I had cooked dinner and it was ruined

Pre Dbing days.... I would of gradually over the hours wating for him worked my self up into such an angry state that when he finally come home, I would of either ignored him or said something like" Why cant you just ring me"
Cause at the end of the day all I want is a phone call to say Im gonna be late.

Well I thought about all this and I thought, Sue, Is it your dinner that is getting ruined?? No. Its his dinner , his problem, you have done your bit, you cooked it, now leave it. So why does he need to call you?? he doesn't, its his dinner, his problem.

Well, he walked in the door. He was ready for me, I could tell. He was already grumpy before I opened me mouth!!! he was ready and waiting for it!!

So, I said in my cutest voice ever, Hi

This through him, but he didn't let the wall down just yet, and he said " alright" in a voice that kiinda said, I now its coming.

I was watching something on TV, and I said " this is funny its making me laugh".

He looked at TV and said ( still in defensive voice" What is it". I started to explain the program and I was laughing as I did.
This was hilaruosly funny to watch

He said " any dinner?" I said yeah in kitchen ( not siacastically).
He went to get it, ate it, then asked if I wanted to join him on sofa for a cuddle

So it works!!!
But im still training my puppy

Sue

Sue,

LMAO! Great job!

I've been told that the works come after the H comes home. I'm still working on trying to be friends with my H and he will have to want to come home. Seems like a lot of work to me, but I'm sure dealing with our S being there everyday is more taxing!

Glad you dropped by, good hearing from you!

Deb

Hi all,

Been a long time since I posted, H has gone away sailing for a week, so I am able to ome on here without getting caught. LOL

Things are good between us, however I am suffering from PIS ( Post Infidelity Syndrome).

I know a lot of you peicers will know what PIS Is.
I cant let it go !!! the pain is still there, and im frightened.

Update on H and my life.

We have our house on Market, we have been looking for the perfect home since Christmas, Found one but it all fell through and have just litturally found another, at the moment negotiating an offer with the seller, had someone round to look at this place today and seems they love it, I am hoping they ar going to make an offer next week.

H is very different, he wants to move more than me. He never wanted to before the bomb!! he is much more settled seems like he has made up his mind we are together forever.... hmmm I had made that decision years ago!! its only reflecting on the way he is now and the way he was I realise he obviously hadn't.

The pain I feel from that realisation is hard.

I thought we were happy .. seems he wasn't
I Trusted him 100% .. Seems I was wrong to
I loved him with all my heart .. Seems he didn't me

OW still works at his place, although he has told me she is leaving ( Good bloody riddence!!!!)

So, How do I get through this?
I have lost respect for H
I dont feel the same
He is not the most wonderful being on this planet anymore

Of course I still love him, I wouldn't be here if I didn't, but I feel so let down.

I dont trust him, I still feel its still going on sometimes. In reality I KNOW Its not, But I just feel it some times.

We had an incident with his phone a couple of months ago, I questioned him, and mor recently ( I havent a clue why) but I just bought it all up again and started to question him, I really wish I hadn't, bcos I found out something I had not known before and I couldn't eat for a week bcos of it. He admitted he had been S***ing her in his office.

I obviously knew they had been doing it somewhere but to hear it just made me physically sick!!! specially when He wasn't doing it with me. I asked him did you enjoy Shagging an ugly woman? he said Im not answering that. He has said he didn't fancy her, Please someone help me to understand!! why would u do that ?

Anyway Im acting " AS IF" most of the time but I want to let go, how do I do that ?

When we move we are gtting more land.. the reason .... for me to live my dream and have my own horse. H knows I have always wanted that, So , we are doing it. He would never do that before, I should be happy , instead im scared!! Why ?

Sometimes I look at him and think, you have ruined everything and at one point when I was having one of those thoughts he said something to me, I said H you will never know how much I once loved you, He looked at me with such sad eyes. I knew it was not good dbing, but at that moment I wanted him to know I have lost something, if I keep doing that we wont make it.

I think it dosn't help that I cant visit the board, if he saw this place he wouldn't think it had helped us get back togethr ( he is too skeptical).

How can I move on, let go of the past, enjoy my new H, use the A as a stepping stone to something new.

Our D is so happy Mum and Dad are back together. H is happy, I know he is, he is more loving, he is totally different, the issues are with me and my PIS.

Please if anyone can offer some help

Sue

I think everyone goes through this, and I am not there, but someday hope to be... but Acorn posted a great post about trust after the A.

She suggested to get the After the Affair book and to go through that if your H would be up for it. It is a good book , I have been reading it myself. I am sure others will be posting to help you, too. I know it takes an incredibly long time to get past this, you have been working so hard to suppress your feelings while you were trying to get your H back and now they are bubbling to the top.

Hang in there!

Sue,
I'm not where you are, but I have walked next to a good friend here on the BB who went through all you are feeling right now; T2.

It seems to be normal, all I can say is it seems to get better once you detach from the A thing. Once you can let go, you can move forward into the new R.

Wow! Your post sounded so much like my sitch; my H is having an affair with an ugly disabled person, why do they do that? Who knows, I will never figure it out!

Go read T2 thread and you will know it IS possible to get past the A, and move to a better place. I'm confident you can and will do it!

Great seeing you post! I sure miss you!

HUGS
Deb

TS1: hello and how are things going?

I have been on the boards intermittently
lately, post over in Hopefulness. I've
followed your sitch and love your attitude.

I'm happy that your H is home and working on things
with you. I really relate, though, to your
trepidation.

I had to write and thank U for the new term PIS.
I now have a name for my condition!

My guy's A is over and he's making murmurs about
us getting back together. But I'm just not responding.
And I know why -- I don't trust him, I'm still hurt,
and the more I find out about what he's been doing
with his life in the 2.5 years he's been away,
the more despairing (also angry) I get.

I don't know what I'm going to do.
Maybe initiate D myself.
Or -- we could do what it takes
(Time & Patience grrrlll -- read your own tatoo hee hee)
to build trust again.

It's just that I've done so much work already
I feel it's his turn -- and that attitude is
counter-productive.

Sigh.

Now a tidbit of an idea comes to mind.
I have found it helpful, when feeling loss
and grief, to do a version of the "thought-stopping"
technique.

If it's FEAR I'm feeling, I HARD FAST NOW
look around my life and touch/hug/hold
the things that make me SAFE and COMFORTABLE.
Like my dogs, my favorite old chair, my library.
Evoking nature, history, learning.

Whatever's upsetting, find its OPPOSITE and
make that REAL for you right now.

Feeling loss? Look in the mirror at your lovely eyes.
Know you have your soul.

Feeling sad? Lonely? Jealous?
Touch something handmade, stop by a nursing home,
toss your hair free in the wind and smile someone.

Actions get my mind off troubles.

(Anger seems to be the hardest. Feeling angry?
What can I touch that says PEACE OF MIND/FORGIVENESS?)

Gotta practice something like this right now
cuz I'm frustrated and nothing is moving as fast
as I'd like.

Let's see, what can I do for quick results?
Hmmm... rearrange the CDs in my carousel
and DANCE TO REGGAE?

Throw myself out the door to the local flea market
and DANCE TO REGGAE?

Looks like REGGAE is a universal cure!

Love to you, and congratulations on your BIG SUCCESS.
It's awe-inspiring. You're getting the pony we all
hope for!

Cheers,

Bridget

Holding,

Hi there,

I gues your right everyone must go through this and I knew it was never going to be easy, But I never klnew I would feel like potential WAW. I have days where I think why am I doing this? Yet when I was fighting to get him back I knew why I was doing it. Our emotions are funny things arnt they?.

Yeah that book, I actually saw it when I was in the states with H, I picked it up he saw me looking and walked away dont think HE wants do be reminded.

I will maybe order it secretly amnd see.

I hop things are ok with you, I wll pop over to yor thread later.

Sue

Deb,

Hi you!!!

Yours is one of the threads I do regularly keep up with, I have tried a couple of time to reply to you, however aftre I have written what I want to say, he either walks in or comes home and I click out of it.

I was so sorry to see your sitch change direction the way it did.

I will read T2,s thread thanks for that.

Your H will come to his senses one day, looks like it could well be too late.

I am about for a week H has gone away, so I will pop over and see you.

Sue