feel like bomb dropped again - DivorceBusting.com

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Well I thought H and I were going along real well then about a month or so ago I felt a shift in the wrong direction. He seemed to become distant and didn't have much interest in sex. I know he hasn't been happy in years M to me, but we really were recovering. I know I'm not the "woman of his dreams" anymore. I accept that. I have changed, we get along much much better than we did before bomb. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm not his type anymore, one example is he likes to hike, I started going with him last Summer but I can't keep up with him. he is also unhappy in his job, I know that isn't my fault but we all know that they tend to blame us for everything negative in their lives.

He's also not in love with me, that's a hard pill to swallow but I have only myself to blame for that. At least he doesn't tell me he loves me, his actions are quite different though.

I feel like right now that we are 2 lonely people in an unhappy marriage. Oh I'm happy and glad he is still here, but I can't help feeling he's just here because it's easier than the alternative.

I don't excite him. I'm old and I think he wants someone younger. But he also has a fear of being alone. I realize all of this and although it isn't ideal, I've tried to make our lives happier together. I feel like he is 'settling' and I'm settling too for a situation that isn't ideal but in my mind I still have him and I'll take it because he has my heart. Oh how much easier this would be if he didn't have my heart.

Lisa

Hi Lisa,

I'm sorry that you're back and tht you feel like "bomb-dropping" stage all over again...

It's hard to tell from your post what's fact (eg, happened thru action) and what's a result of your ASSumptions. Like the part about you not exciting him, him wanting someone younger, etc....

Can you tell us what you're seeing as actions, what h has actually said (not that that makes it fact...we know that! LOL)...

I don't know enough about your sitch to remember where in the process you are but I DO know that ebbing and flowing of desire and interest and commitment...for both parties is not, ahem, unheard of in these parts....The overarching goal is an UPWARD trend in all of those to be sure...but it is NOT a unidirectional process.

I'll bet if you tell us more we can relate!

Sage

HI lisa, I agree with you it doesn't seem like the happiest time in your lives, but girl I can feel you are putting yourself down here.

YOU feel you're not the woman of his dreams anymore... well turn into the woman of his dreams! Remember the small things that certainly were a factor for his interest when your relationship started? WEll time to get them back

Seriously, everyone changes, that doesn't makes us less, just changed, and change doesn't have to be something bad.
Maybe you can't keep up with him on his hikes, ok, so sit down and compromise on a way where both of you can enjoy the hike. I know me and Rui loved it, but I do have some trouble keeping up sometimes, so we just agreed on a pace that suits us both, and more resting time.

If he is with you, there has to be some love there for you. Maybe he's not the telling type. Many men don't feel confortable with saying those words, but the actions count as much as words. SOmetimes more!

YOu shouldn't be focusing on what you "think" he wants> Because you can never really know unless he tells you. That is under the "assumption" field, and doesn't really help much.
Rather you should focus on what things you feel he enjoys with you and bring those up.
But mostly, try to find positives in your relationship that you can build up into more positives. And for that you need to feel positive as well. Maybe you are feeling a bit depressed with the whole situation. I know I did. IF that is so, maybe your doctor can help.
Just remember that the power to turn the situation around is in your hands as well. And focus on where you want this relationship to go.
Hope this helps
nightshade

Hi Lisa,

Quote:

He's also not in love with me, that's a hard pill to swallow but I have only myself to blame for that. At least
he doesn't tell me he loves me, his actions are quite different though.

What do you blame yourself for?

Quote:

I don't excite him. I'm old and I think he wants someone younger.

Age is a state of mind. Why do you think he wants someone younger? Has he said this?

Quote:

Oh how much easier this would be if he didn't have my heart.

That's why it's called dbing..if we didn't have hearts we'd all be having A's, and having A's and on and on.

Also, would you mind giving a brief recap of your sitch? I've only been here six months. I know I posted to you a few weeks ago, you had some great insights.
It seems like you're assuming lots and doing some mindreading, also.

Cathy

your last thread

glanced over your last thread and noticed that you were feeling a bit more positive then.

These things can be cyclical, sometimes our own fears or doubts cause us to act a certain way, wich causes them to act a certain way..etc etc etc....

don't know if you read over your last thread before starting this one but you said a lot of really great things that would still apply now in the advice you were giving others so I wont repeat your wise words right back to you.

hoping you find a way out of this slump cause that's all I think it is.

it all just takes time...

LL

sage, i feel he wants someone younger because the female "friend" he was talking to at time of bomb was 16 years younger than him.

he doesn't tell me how he feels, so I have to guess. I have known him for many years and can probably get close.

On an occasion that I made myself available to him sexually a couple weeks ago he acted less than excited about it. I got insecure and checked on the condom stash (that were bought a couple years ago to increase his stamina) and one was missing that wasn't used with me. I asked him about that and he blamed our 18 year old son who has a girlfriend. he also put on some cologne to go work out and I asked him about that and he said it was to not 'stink' when he was in contact with other members (it's a self defense class). however, there have been no calls to or from his cell phone to anyone. he is always where he should be. I came home from work unexpected to him I found out and he was watching a porno on his computer. He doesn't know I know that, but it ws very obvious that he didn't expect me at that time. I felt like an intruder in my own house. he was very quiet and withdrawn after that.

nightshade, I do take rests and he's very patient on the hikes. I just feel like a failure in his eyes.

he used to be the telling type, used to tell me 20 times a day that he loved me.

i thought I was succeeding in becoming again the girl he fell in love with but in a text earlier he told me I wasn't happy either in the M, the very words he said at time of bomb 21 months ago. I can't BELIEVE we're back to that stage.

thanks for stopping by Lisa

leftandknowwhy, H dropped the bomb when we were M for 19 years. His exact words were "I don't know that I'm in love anymore". This bomb was bound to happen, I know that now because we couldn't have kept going like we were. I didn't show him respect, he got to where he wasn't showing it to me either. There was EA woman, he denies ANY involvement still to this day but I know better. They sat in his truck one night after a class they were in that they met at and he left here on his bike to call her several times. Maybe there wasn't any emotional connection for her other than friends but I know he had some. It's what gave him the nerve to drop the bomb.

I told him to leave several weeks after that, he said "where will I go" I said "that's not my problem". He never left. He decided to stay with me and try and work on it. We had been working on it ever since. And we were successful. I would have given us a -1 at time of bomb with 0 being D, a few months ago I'd have given us a 7.

I blame myself because I did cause a lot of the damage all by myself. He loved me so much once. I took him for granted. I was a royal bitch at times. I read in books about what kills love, and I am guilty of most of it. Lisa

lostlove, I'd like it to be just slump but when he said that I wasn't happy either, with EITHER being the opperative word that tells me he's not again. We have made a lot of progress and I can tell from his email tonight that he is not feeling totally distant and detached like he was a time of bomb 21 months ago. He was very done then, his words and boy could I tell. He was not happy to hear from me back then. the thing is I've always had to pry everyting out of him and I still am having to do that. Lisa

Thank you for the link LL

It is indeed a much more positive post and I"m sure that you can find there many things that can uplift you right now.
I really understand what you are feeling. I've been going trough some of those cycles myself, and so is Rui. But I'm learning how to fight them.
He choose to be stay with you and in the marriage. That's the main point.
He's acting in a caring way and that is a good. People sometimes have their ups and downs. It's us that tend to always link then to the affairs because that's what 's on our mind, and what hurt us. But many times it doesn't have anything to do with it.
THe problem is that once we start feeling negative there's some sort of a chain reaction and then things do get more negative.
Make a list of all the good things that happened.
Share it with him if he's receptive.
Bring your self confidence up with a makeover if that helps.
I remember there was a point RUi had no idea of who he was going to find when he got home LOL different hair style different style of clothes... come to think about it he still never knows

ANd don't think things will not get better.. they will if both of you want
nightshade

nightshade, yep, it doesn't take much for the old insecurities to come back. at times like this I think there has been too much water under the bridge to eve be good again in the long run, but then I also think that there has been too much healing these past 21 months to not continue getting better. He sent me an email telling me we need to talk without getting mad or defensive and ended it with "your loving husband". Lisa

Lisa, you don't have to feel like a failure. YOu are not!
Either in his eyes or yours.
You are just a person tha twen trought a lot of pain and is hoping to get her marriage back , fully.
You don't have to be perfect, because nobody is. And you don't have to blame yourself.
YOu cannot turn back into the girl that he feel in love with, because that was a long time ago and both of you changed since then. However you can be the woman he loves and that's just as important.
It's funny you talking about the girl he fell in love with, because rui told me that at the time of his affair. "I just want my girl back" I couldn't really do that, literaly at least, but I was able to give him a "taste" of how girlish I still feel

Maybe him feeling that you're not completely happy might be making him feel like a failure as well. And if that's so this will only go in circles. BReak the cycle. Find things you enjoy to do, both with him and by yourself. Smile... you can't imagine the power of a smile!
Make life vibrant for you and life will be vibrant for both of you.- in theory

-

A hug
nigthshade

Quote:

We have made a lot of progress and I can tell from his email tonight that he is not feeling totally distant and detached like he was a time of bomb 21 months ago.

Lisa,

just want to be clear on this one...he is NOT acting TOTALY detached like he was before??

Quote:

I'd like it to be just slump but when he said that I wasn't happy either, with EITHER being the opperative word that tells me he's not again.

when I'm not happy in the r..h tends not to be happy in the r...we then end up in a place where I blame my unhappiness with the r on how he is "being" and he blames my unhappiness for his unhappiness etc etc etc....

if you could just look at this as a "slump" a "phase" a "transitioning point" another "swing of the pendulum" etc and get back in the mindframe you were in your last thread what would change?

Please don't allow yourself to sit and entertain thoughts that you are not the woman for h, that he wants someone more ow's age, or looks or anything..I did that for far to long we can't make ourselves younger, shorter, blonder (well there is bleach but why

). All we can do is make ourselves the best US that we can be.

as far as the condom goes? is there reason to disbelive it was son who took it?

the cologne before working out? heck I used to get a bit concerned when h put on nice smelling after shave to go to work but then I'm the one who put in on the vanity and suggested he use it...I also got myself in a pickle when I suggested to h that wearing a baseball hat all day everyday wasn't helping him with his hair that he complained about and then much to my dismay felt a bit concerned when he "did" his hair before leaving the house...(sheesh I'm difficult aren't I)

point I'm trying to make is when we carry a negative attitude about the state of the r, we feel it, they feel it and the feeling just spreads like a weed. Same principal applies in reverse.

LL

Quote:

"your loving husband".

now that doesn't sound much like another bomb dropping to me!

LL

Nope , it doesn't sound like that to me either

ANd it is true, when I'm down, Rui tends to pick the feeling and it seems exactly like LL says.

Maybe before the talk you have time to right a few points you would like to discuss. Make sure to include good stuff that is happening as well.
ANother thought, maybe he's just confused. Whe tend to do to others what we like done to us, maybe he's actions are meant to show you he loves you, but they might not be the ones that reassure you of that. And that might get him confused and blaming himself for your feeling down.
Just an idea
Hugs
nightshade

no not totally detached like back then at all. that was so blatant and obvious.

about the condom, son would get his own, and he would have had no way of knowing that we had them in the first place. what ever, I've decided to let that situation go. H always seems to be able to put me in my place in a disagreement and I do not have the energy for this one. it's just that it all happened at once, the condom, the cologne, the distance, the non-interest in sex with me.

I'll be curious to find out what I've done wrong this time, what he's gonna say to me. I have to admit I was confused and thrown off guard at feeling like an intruder in my own house earlier today. I was quiet after that, simply because I was dumbfounded. Not pissed, just confused and dumbfounded. Confused and dumbfounded at his seeming lack of interest in sex with ME but willingness to watch porno and take care of his needs himself if you know what I mean and I'm sure you all do. Yes, I literally caught him with his pants down. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass him. Lisa

so did you guys talk?

don't leave us hanging here.

LL

Hi lostlove, well apparently this 'distance' that I felt was real, it occured as a result of him listening to a cd set called 'the emotionally healthy marriage", it's by a pastor and in it he refers to pornography being a sin and treating wives with respect and not sex objects etc. and it turns out that that really got to him, he said that he started feeling guilty and therefore withdrew from me so as not to "use me". I had already listened to this cd set and it didn't cross my mind that he would take those parts of it so seriously. That's what it all boils down to.

H said that he gave up on the porn and looking at it on the web etc. and along with this pastor saying to treat wives with more respect and not sex objects etc. that he got turned off. Then I heard about how visual men are and all that. well I know that. so anyway, that's what caused the rift. we are getting along better because we talked about it. He told that if I was the one giving him cleavage shots etc. that he wouldn't need to look at it elsewhere. men! Lisa

So go to V.S. and buy the push-up bras and give him the cleavage shots already!!!!

Ellie

Quote:

well apparently this 'distance' that I felt was real,

yes real, but not for the reasons you were thinking!

and I agree with kml, start showing him some skin but not so much as to lead him to feel guilty for it...or heck let him know that you apreciate his "not wanting to use you" but that as a man and wife it is ok to share your bodies.

Even in the bible (I know part of this is one of the old testament readings you can have at a catholic wedding) the couple pray for forgivness just before they ravage eachother so if they can do it so can you.

LL