How to do this? Everything feels so awkward. - 04/15/16 01:11 PM
It's been a long time since I've posted here! After 1 year and 9 months of separation from my husband who insisted that he would never come home, I heard words that I had been longing to hear! "The last few weeks I haven't been able to get you off my mind. I've been having dreams about you. Dreams about being a family again, of making love to each other and then you crying afterward because of everything I've put you through."
These words came to me after I admitted to him that early in our separation, while I was very vulnerable, his best friend showered me with compliments, innappropriate texts, and kissed me twice...and I let him. I have no idea why I indulged in this behavior whatsoever, before insisting that it end after a very short period...because his friend isn't attractive to me whatsoever and I am not spiteful. We discovered that this mutual friend of ours has been lying to both of us about each other in an effort to keep us from reconciling because he wanted to make me his wife. This was just Monday. DH and I spoke about it on the phone on Wednesday night (which was amazing because he has refused to communicate with me about important things in any fashion other than texting since he left...he even broke up with me via text...) Yesterday he texted me to talk about music - our primary shared interest - and we ended up casually chatting all day. I was busy cleaning so I didn't rush to respond to him and when I would go for a while without texting, he would text again - as if he was almost clinging to his phone waiting to hear from me. What a WONDERFUL feeling! He suggested that he take me to an open mic night (to observe, not perform) "sometime." Which I think was his asking me to go on a date? But what's up with this noncommittal "sometime?" We decided that the kids and I would travel to his town 30 minutes away last night and go to a park as a family. We've done random things as a family a few times since we separated for various reasons, so i didn't think it would do any harm as long as we don't imply to the kids that we are working on anything. The lack of clarity is driving me insane. I am really battling self control when it comes to bombarding him with questions. Is it ok for me to ask him "are we in the beginning stages of trying again...or are we just being friendly?" Do I need to ask? Does the combination of his statements this week say that we are going to try again? We've spent so much time now with him being cold and distant and my being guarded, trying to follow the rules and respect boundaries...that now it is very awkward and we both agreed that we don't know how to behave with each other...
Thoughts? I feel like I'm dangling from a limb in limbo...and the lack of clarity, as I said, is making me feel very anxious.
These words came to me after I admitted to him that early in our separation, while I was very vulnerable, his best friend showered me with compliments, innappropriate texts, and kissed me twice...and I let him. I have no idea why I indulged in this behavior whatsoever, before insisting that it end after a very short period...because his friend isn't attractive to me whatsoever and I am not spiteful. We discovered that this mutual friend of ours has been lying to both of us about each other in an effort to keep us from reconciling because he wanted to make me his wife. This was just Monday. DH and I spoke about it on the phone on Wednesday night (which was amazing because he has refused to communicate with me about important things in any fashion other than texting since he left...he even broke up with me via text...) Yesterday he texted me to talk about music - our primary shared interest - and we ended up casually chatting all day. I was busy cleaning so I didn't rush to respond to him and when I would go for a while without texting, he would text again - as if he was almost clinging to his phone waiting to hear from me. What a WONDERFUL feeling! He suggested that he take me to an open mic night (to observe, not perform) "sometime." Which I think was his asking me to go on a date? But what's up with this noncommittal "sometime?" We decided that the kids and I would travel to his town 30 minutes away last night and go to a park as a family. We've done random things as a family a few times since we separated for various reasons, so i didn't think it would do any harm as long as we don't imply to the kids that we are working on anything. The lack of clarity is driving me insane. I am really battling self control when it comes to bombarding him with questions. Is it ok for me to ask him "are we in the beginning stages of trying again...or are we just being friendly?" Do I need to ask? Does the combination of his statements this week say that we are going to try again? We've spent so much time now with him being cold and distant and my being guarded, trying to follow the rules and respect boundaries...that now it is very awkward and we both agreed that we don't know how to behave with each other...
Thoughts? I feel like I'm dangling from a limb in limbo...and the lack of clarity, as I said, is making me feel very anxious.